Now, Is Another, Dark Night, For My Soul

I am sitting here right now, on the morning of the day that I publish my post online each month, staring at the blank computer screen, that is waiting, with blinking cursor, for me to express my thoughts here. I have begun this month's post half a dozen times already on as many different subjects from my life story, before this one, that I am typing now. With some of them, I couldn't even get past a couple of sentences for one reason or another. It just didn't seem that this was the time, to share that particular part, of what life has been like for me. It felt like I was mired in mud, and, even sinking, at times, in the emotional quagmire; unable, to get any traction, to pull my thoughts together, on the subject, at hand, or be able to pull the post out of the ditch, it was in, to be properly prepared for publication in my blog. I just pulled up Facebook, on another tab on my computer, to find a photograph that I saw on there yesterday, to share with you here. As the website came up, the first thing I saw was a post of someone's that simply said "God is the only reason I made it this far. I'm blessed." For me, just seeing that this morning is another one of those small, but meaningful, both personal and poignant, things, that happen along the way, in life, which Squire Rushnell describes, in his books, as God Winks*, since THIS is something that I say to God, and about God, continually; because it is true. It is absolutely true. >sigh!<  I have experienced these moments along the way in life, but it wasn't until a friend at my church in Wilmington, North Carolina gave me a small book with a big impact, When God Winks: How The Power Of Coincidence Guides Your Life, that I had something, to call those little moments, that somehow, vaguely, and at times, specifically, appear to be signposts, along the road of my pilgrimage** on this planet. I included a link at the end of this post to a Preview of the book, so you can actually read some of it for yourself, to see what I mean, about it, firsthand.  I consider it a MUST READ, for anyone and everyone, that is trying to navigate their way through this life, in all its uncertainties, with some sense of a Plan and a Purpose being woven into the fabric of our experiences, along the way. It can bring comfort, when the journey seems dark, or chaotic. 

That is definitely how my life feels, to me, right now; and, for awhile, now, actually. It has really been taking a toll, on me, too. I am definitely feeling ALOT the WORSE FOR WEAR. I feel like I'm a sad-looking, tattered, rag doll, gripped, in the teeth of some destructive dog breed, which is biting me, repeatedly, causing sharp pain to pierce through me, while more and more, of the soft, fragile, stuffing inside me, is being ripped right out of me during this vicious assault that is leaving me limp and helpless. My eyes teared up just typing the description of what it feels like to be me, right now. I FEEL SO SAD. I feel so TIRED! Not even so much, physically (although, that is a part of it), as I'm feeling in the depth of my SOUL. I feel a THOUSAND different things right now, about my life, about this world, and even about God. It's as if, all these thoughts are huge waves that are nearly drowning me from their weight and depth while my arms tire, more and more, from desperately trying, to tread water, to find air, to stay afloat, and not drown. Life is SO PRECIOUS TO ME. It is ALSO so PAINFUL. God has created me, and caused me to be here, as this person, at this time, in the whole span of human history. I am significant, because I was His idea, because I am here, and because I have an impact, on the world. By being, and expressing, who I am, while I am a part of it. Sometimes, it is a relief, to know that, the day will come, that God will finally call me home to Him, in Heaven; in His time, and in His way. My still existing simply says to me that He is not through, that I am not through with His assignment to me, on this Earth. For better, for worse, and alot, of fluctuation, in-between, those two things, I have touched the lives of others, making a difference in those lives, some way or other, by my presence there, just as they also impact me, and my life. Life is hard, though. No doubt, about it. Especially, this year, for ALL OF US, on this Earth. It brings this Bible verse, to mind, for me: "Men's hearts  failing  them  for  fear, and for looking toward those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken." (Luke 21:26 KJV) I have felt, I am on the edge of having a heart attack or a stroke from the sheer stress of this season of my life. I have felt true terror, for several reasons, that leaves me in pure despair, because I can't seem to do much of anything about the situations, that are causing this. My hope has been taken hostage.

Hope, is a necessary ingredient, to human survival. People can, literally, die, of a broken heart. So, I am extremely concerned, about my physiological, and psychological, heart, being able to bear up under the fact that my hope hangs, by the slimmest of threads, anymore; even though the other end of that thread is attached to God. If I may, indulge myself, in this, request: Would you, please, pray, for me? (My eyes teared up, again, as I asked you that, because, I really do need that, so much, right now!) One of the God Winks that I have had in my life has to do with the shower curtain that's hanging in my bathroom, now, of all things. (God Winks are often like that.)  When I moved into this apartment, after being a homeless, female, veteran, over a long, and difficult, summer, I needed a new shower curtain to go with this bathroom. I looked for one several times at different places during my various shopping trips but there was simply not one that even came close to going well with the color scheme. So, I only had a clear, vinyl, liner, as I continued my search for just the right curtain. After finishing a thorough investigation of all the different colors and styles that Walmart offered, one day, I gave up, entirely, and decided that I would just stop looking and simply continue using that stiff plastic one that was hanging by my tub now. I was tired, and wanted to get home, by that point, anyway. It may have been a small thing, in the overall scheme of things, but it was also discouraging, to me. The reason, for that, though, was because, I had felt the Holy Spirit, whispering, inside me, that HE had JUST THE ONE, for ME, picked out, and that I JUST HAD TO TRUST HIM on that. Some people say that God doesn't care about the little details, of our everyday lives, but the Bible says that He even NUMBERS ALL THE HAIRS on our head (Luke 12:7), and THAT indicates an INTIMACY, and a CONSTANT AWARENESS, of our daily, even, moment-to-moment, circumstances, down to our losing a single hair from our head. I just wasn't finding the shower curtain that I KNEW He was TELLING ME that He had picked out JUST FOR ME. He even seemed to be enthusiastic about it; actually excited, that I was about to finally find this 'gift' from Him, that came from His knowing ME, so well, that He KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. The PERFECT one for ME.

Although, I had GIVEN UP HOPE, and started to leave the aisle, to leave, the store, I turned back, because I felt Him telling me, that it was THERE; that WHAT I NEEDED was right there but I JUST WASN'T SEEING IT, yet! I looked through all the different styles, and colors, hanging up along the long aisle, and STILL DIDN'T SEE IT.  I KNEW it HAD to be there though because He was saying in my spirit that IT WAS. That this, was the store, and the shopping trip, and the day that I find the PERFECT shower curtain for my bathroom. So I stood, in the aisle, and whispered, to Him, in my own spirit, saying, "Holy Spirit, I KNOW, you are TELLING ME that IT'S HERE, somewhere, but I don't SEE it! Will You GUIDE ME, to where, it is, and HELP me TO SEE IT?" Then, I sensed Him Leading me back to a certain area, which, I had ALREADY CHECKED, at least twice, now. So, I looked, a THIRD time.  I saw one, that I REALLY LIKED--- one that I would describe as being "SO 'ME'" because it had several SCRIPTURE verses all along it from top to bottom and they were some of my FAVORITE ones. I had already seen this shower curtain though, and it was completely the wrong colors. But, when I looked at it again, this time, though, I FELT the Holy Spirit quickening in me, as if to alert me to pay closer attention. This WAS the PERFECT one for ME, because of the Bible verses on it, that I loved. But, the color was wrong. Knowing that He would NEVER LEAD ME ASTRAY though, I looked behind the ones of that style that were hanging in the front, of the row, of them, and, JUST BEHIND THEM, as if, He had HIDDEN IT AWAY, JUST FOR ME, to FINALLY FIND IT, THEN, was the same style, with the Bible verses, in the COLORS EXACTLY MATCHING my bathroom! One color, was EXACTLY the shade, of the tiles in the shower, and other colors, on it, matched the colors of the photograph that I had hung on the wall, in the bathroom, of a charming Nature scene with birds. I KNEW it was THE ONE, as SOON, as I SAW it! But, when I got it home, and held it up, against the colors in that room, I was still AMAZED, how PERFECTLY it matched EVERYTHING, in there; even though, I knew that the Holy Spirit would never have done anything LESS THAN THAT for me about it, because He had given me His Word, before I ever saw it, that He had that for me, to bless me. 

Those Bible verses, on the shower curtain, are something I see several times every day. They are some of the scriptures that mean the most to me. The one at the top, says something, that gives me a promise, from God, as I continue to struggle with my distress and my despondency over so many things, in my life, and, in the world, right now, that I don't feel like I can deal with, anymore; but I simply have no choice. I have to find some way to keep going. To not give up. I cling to God, and His Word, and His Spirit, to help me live this life, He has created me for, and Called me to; even though I cry, when I open my eyes each morning to a new day, anymore. It is just another opportunity for me to feel the dread, disgust, dismay, and damage, done, to me, to my country, and to my world which is making it so dangerous, destructive, and depressing. I am a human being. I get sad. I get scared. I feel vulnerable. I get my heart broken. It is literally taking all, I can do, to keep going, anymore, at this point. I honestly don't think I can even deal with all that's before me, that I have to, now. Knowing, there isn't a choice, is not giving me the motivation I need, to muster the strength, somehow, from somewhere, to do what I have to, as a consequence of how wrongly I am treated, at times. Speaking truth, speaking up, for what is right, causes me to share in some of the sufferings of Christ. He said that it would be that way, in this world, for His followers. So, I am not at all surprised. Just really disappointed, by people. I tend to present people with the opportunity, to rise, to their higher selves, and there are some that are very rarely comfortable at that altitude, spiritually speaking. When they rebel against it, it's not God, they strike out, at, but Him IN ME. Even so, I still FEEL THAT, DEEPLY, in several ways, because of the interconnection I have with God. It's EXTREMELY HARD for me to bear. 

The Holy Spirit knows, about all the things that I am going through, now, that are so extremely difficult, and disheartening, for me. It is ALOT, to be sure, and I DO NEED PRAYER, if you are so inclined to do so, to God, on my behalf. Be assured, that HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT ALL OF IT, and also, how best to answer the prayers, that I, or you, bring to him, regarding a situation. He gave me that very specific shower curtain, by both His Leading and His Provision, with the very verses on it that are SO COMFORTING, TO ME. I believe God's Word, and I claim these promises in those shower curtain scripture verses, as MY SAVING GRACE, and as MY ONLY HOPE, right now. It is very important; especially, because, apart from the truth, and the power, of God's Word, I would, otherwise, feel so hopeless and helpless, about things right now. That verse that's at the top of the shower curtain, that I spoke of, is this one, and I CLING FOR MY LIFE to the PROMISE, it contains; that THE DAY WILL COME, that I will not be HEART SICK, anymore, in any way, because, my HOPE will NO LONGER BE DEFERRED, when God WILL FINALLY, AT LONG LAST, FULFILL, MY LONGING, for the desires of my heart***, that I bring before Him day after day: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12 NIV) [Note: You can see the verse in the photo of the shower curtain.]

For this month's post, this one will have to suffice. It is what I wrote today after six completely different attempts, and subjects, which I could not focus on, well enough to finish, because of everything else that I am, just barely, dealing with, right now, in my life. It's become a lengthy chapter of my life in itself; what I have been going through, the last few years. Some of it has been covered here: https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2020/02/why-i-have-become-female-chauvinist.html. Right now, though, the more significant aspects, of my current situation, are still unfolding toward the final resolution in real time; playing itself out to its ultimate, probably, even predictable, conclusion. Because of that, this chapter of my life is continuing to write itself at the moment. Someday, however, I should be able to sum it up, by writing about it all, here, as I struggle to process all my various and strong emotions, about it all. So, while I can't go into detail, about these things, that are oppressing my spirit, currently, there is still alot more to cover about my career as a dancer and other subjects regarding the life I have lived, and how those, and the people involved in them, have impacted me. Overall, the years I was a dancer were some of the happiest in my life although life is never a smooth, glassy, trouble-free sea that we float on in perfect peace. Sadly for me the current years have proved to be some of my most miserable years. I could well argue that I have deserved to be treated better, for what I have given to the situation I'm in over these years, especially to help others. But that would not help anything because it has not made much of a difference in it to the present day, as far as protecting me from problems or providing me more peace. I simply TAKE IT ALL TO GOD, on a daily basis--- sometimes, even a moment-to-moment one--- and try my best, to SURVIVE it all, when it often truly feels to me like it is DOING ME IN, from the SHEER STRESS OF IT ALL. >sigh!< I am living with ALOT, of different emotions, in me, now. 

I have written poems my whole life; ever since I was a very young child (and lyrics too). I even have a poem, which I wrote, when I was just 8 years old! I usually write them when my heart is full, of some strong emotion, whether good, or bad, happy, or sad. I sat and wrote the following one 9/20/20. It pretty much sums up the despair, I am feeling, about everything, right now, and how worn out I am, from the relentlessness of it all. (P.S. I wasn't trying to step on Pink Floyd's toes, with the title, etc. That phrase just resonated, with what I have been feeling ALOT lately.)

The Dark Side Of The Moon 

Some people are living their dream,

Others are living their nightmare.

I'm somewhere in-between,

But closer to the dark side of the moon.

Chased that carrot around the track

Meant to motivate; can't be caught.

I chased that tease to hell and back,

While I starved, on the dark side of the moon.

The dark is colder than the light.

Feels like there's no one here but me.

My heart's burned out, from 'fight or flight'.

I'm worn out, by the dark side of the moon.

I've just 'survived' for so damn long.

I thought I'd, finally, get to live.

My dreams have died; my hope is gone,

From too long, on the dark side of the moon.

Death is dancing, all around me.

What a mocker, torment is.

I don't possess the needed key,

To escape from the dark side of the moon.

What's the answer? I don't have it.

But this will never feel like home.

My soul was not designed to fit

A life lived on the dark side of the moon.

My hope lies in God's Hands alone.

My feeble voice cries out, to Him,

Then turns into a woeful moan.

I'm stuck here, on the dark side of the moon.

                           - Deborah Gayle Robinson

                               

That brings me to the other photo that I also want to share with you here. It is the photograph that I came across on Facebook, yesterday, which I mentioned to you at the beginning of this post. When I saw it, and still now, every time I look at it, my HEART JUST GOES OUT to this PRECIOUS GIRL, in what is, OBVIOUSLY, her own DEEP HEARTACHE, AND SUFFERING. >sigh!<  There is SO MUCH OF IT, in this world, we all share. My own face has looked much like hers does here, seeing myself in the mirror, these days, as I continue to BREAK  DOWN into UNCONTROLLABLE  SOBS, from my own, stress, and heartbreak. But, I daresay, even WITHOUT KNOWING, the specific details, of HER CIRCUMSTANCES, that SHE has EVEN MORE to look so MISERABLE about than I DO, now, in my life. My heart just breaks, for her sadness, and pain. Her fear, and despair. ALL, OF WHICH, are SO CLEARLY EXPRESSED, on her PRECIOUS FACE!  I just want to HUG her. To SOMEHOW MAKE IT BETTER for her.

I didn't think that MY HEART could POSSIBLY break any MORE than it ALREADY IS RIGHT NOW, because of my own problems, UNTIL, I SAW THIS. I have tears, in my eyes, as I look, into hers. I DON'T KNOW HOW to make MY OWN SITUATION ANY BETTER, and I know of only one thing that I CAN DO, FOR HER, right now, which is what I am doing for myself, and THAT IS TO PRAY. I feel God's Hand is upon her. I have prayed, specific scripture, promises over her and for her since first seeing this photo of her. I know she will remain in my thoughts and prayers, and I ask YOU to JOIN ME in PRAYING FOR HER. WHATEVER she is GOING THROUGH, just from what I have SEEN ON THE NEWS about Yemen I KNOW that it MUST be ALOT WORSE, EVEN BY FAR, than what is CAUSING ME TERROR in MY life, here and now. May God, KEEP HER, and BLESS HER. PLEASE PRAY, FOR THIS GIRL. Thank you!

With ALL she's LOST, she GAVE a SMILE, through her TERROR and her TEARS. I RESPECT HER, IMMENSELY, but NOT THE MEN, that PUT THEIR EGOS ahead of the PEACE, AND SAFETY, of VULNERABLE PEOPLE. THOSE MEN DISGUST ME. They WILL ANSWER TO GOD, for it, someday, while LITTLE GIRLS, like THIS ONE, will sit securely, on God's Lap, AND WATCH. Amen.

* What does a God wink mean? Noun. God wink (plural God winks) An event or personal experience, often identified as coincidence, so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as the answer to a prayer. 

** A pilgrimage is a journey, often into an unknown or foreign place, where a person goes in search of new or expanded meaning about their self, others, nature, or a higher good, through the experience. It can lead to a personal transformation.

*** Psalm 37:4 (ESV) is another promise from God, which says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I DO, so HE WILL. Amen! So be it!

NOTE: To read an actual Preview, of the wonderful, must-read, book, of Squire Rushnell's, go to this link, and page down the screen, to be able to actually read parts of it. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND his books on this subject! (NOTE: the PC screen, behind it, goes dark when you go to this Preview link, but the pages of the Preview itself are not):  https://www.google.com/books/edition/When_GOD_Winks/cLzAAgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover