The Past Has Nothing To Offer . . .

. . . but memories and lessons. 

I'm longing to get all the projects done that I have been working on for years now and focus on my personal goals and desires, for a change. The things I have been accomplishing are all worthy endeavors, but I'm burned out, by the relentlessness of it all. They needed doing and I feel good about my firmly resolving to stick with it, showing self-discipline and the ability to work hard for delayed gratification, but there's also the truthful scripture that says, "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done." (Ecclesiastes 11:4 Living Bible) I also, feel shocked, and uneasy, about how quickly time seems to be passing now. It's almost halfway through the year! As I turn the calendar pages with the arrival of each new month I wonder where the days have gone. I am given a finite (and unknown) amount of time on this earth, and there is nothing that keeps that in my mind more than the face of the 68-year-old woman in the mirror. My soul within this body still expects to see the 30-something me, that I still feel like, inside, and is struggling to grasp the indisputable and unsettling fact that it's me and not my mother standing here.

I often hear it said that we are not good at living in the present. I am as guilty of living in the past as anyone, and for the most part, it is a pointless place to be. It can't be undone, or re-lived. It can only be remembered, and teach us lessons. It is also often said that change is the only constant. We sometimes see this fact as being a blessing, and sometimes we see it as being a bad thing. Anyone who has lived for very long has seen that changes that we thought would be good brought us bad outcomes at times, and things that we thought were terrible tragedies are sometimes surprising because of the good things that come from them, which we didn't expect. So much of what happens to us in our lives is out of our control. It feels like we're on a wild ride, at times, holding on, for dear life, and other times, we just feel, stymied, and stuck. The things that are in our control are the things that we can do something about, although we can procrastinate and abdicate our responsibilities, instead, accomplishing nothing. I can't speak for anyone else but  I know that I am very wasteful of my allotted amount of time to be alive on earth and I need to do better. Especially, at this point in my life, with my already being in my late 60s now. When I watch newscasts, they mention the passing of others my age, who no longer have the privilege of being alive, or of being able to affect and influence their own destiny, or contribute to the condition of the planet or the other living beings on it. What they did, and didn't do, while here, cannot change. For better, and/or for worse, it's over. As Jesus said, on the cross, "It is finished."  

 

It seems to me that, God gives us Eternity because it will take all of that, to get to everything that we still want to do that we didn't get around to in this life. I have a bookshelf full of beautiful cookbooks, which have enticing recipes, that I would like to try to make, at some point. I'm often hindered in that ambition, by lack of time, energy, or resources, leaving me, feeling wistful, about my not getting the chance, to explore these treasures, in the time that I have. I'm only comforted by my faith in God that I will be able to do this, and more, that I still haven't gotten around to in my lifetime. I have, so many, interests and hobbies, that I want to learn and do and experience, which I never seem to get around to, after doing the daily chores, and meeting the pressing demands of each day. I wonder where the day has gone! Even so I know that I haven't made enough effort to use my time wisely enough. I NEED TO DO BETTER ABOUT THAT! I've SET AN INTENTION* to do better about it.

I find it fascinating that, we can simply walk down the street, on a day that is like most other days in our lives, and suddenly encounter someone or something that  becomes a major part of our lives, from that point on-- NONE, of which, we could have caused to happen ourselves, or even foreseen. Whether Divine intervention, or Destiny, we find ourselves in new relationships and realities because of it. But, we have to do something ourselves, to put ourselves in the place where that was  a possibility, or even a probability, to happen. We had to get out of bed and dress and go out the door, at the very least, to put ourselves in the position that a new thing could happen in our lives as we walked down that street. We have to make an effort. We have to do our part. I have not been doing nearly enough of that. I need to change that, from something that isn't working for me to something that will increase my chances of my dreams coming true. Dreams of fun and romance and adventures, and good times, with friends that I can truly trust. I spend most of my time inside my home. It stands to reason that, if there is a man for me, he is not just going to randomly show up, at my door. I have heard stories that such unlikely things have happened to some people, but that isn't the norm. The odds are much more in my favor if I get out of my house, for a change. Even if I don't meet my Mr. Right that way at least I will be getting more exercise, which I need.

I have no idea if God has any man on this planet who is right for me, but there is  a fable I have heard that makes the point about seizing the opportunities as they are presented to us rather than rejecting them and letting them pass us by while we hope for something (or, someone) else, to come along, and be what we need.

Here is that tale: 

The Drowning Man

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

Life is complicated. At least, it has never been simple for me. >sigh!< My life often feels 'out of alignment', as if, I just can't seem to slip into the gear that will get me where I need or want to go. My frustration with it, is compounded by the fact that, whether I can achieve all my remaining unrequited dreams or not, time, is steadily ticking away, and I can't, slow it down, stop it, or, reset the clock. I don't have the luxury of time, as much, at my age. So, I don't want to waste any of what's left on people or things that are not what I want or need, for myself, for whatever reason. I don't want any bullshit, taking up space in my private life. I don't need, my heart broken, by anybody else. I have already had, more than, my share of, that type of treatment, whether it came from, family members, men in my life, or others. I am not interested in pursuing people or things that do not make me happy. It's now or never for me to finally have what I want and need for me, and that's my sole focus now. Distractions or deviations from that won't be welcomed, by me. I'm a woman on a mission, to fully live my life while I still can. I am determined to find as much fulfillment as possible. No more, looking back, at the past. There are people in the past that I love, deeply, whom it just could not work out with, for various reasons.

There's nothing to be gained by dwelling on those relationships even though those people eclipsed everyone else in my emotions at a point in time. Time, has moved on, and so must I, because I have one life to live, that is passing by quickly, and a human hunger to experience what, mutual, love must be like with someone who is actually right for me, and good for me, for a change. Neither of the men that I will always love in some way, because of how, profoundly, they touched my soul, were those things that I need. For different reasons, those relationships were not viable. Fantasies are fragile in the cold conditions of reality. Being clear-eyed now, with no more stardust in my eyes, and standing strong, as, my own, advocate, without the butterflies, fluttering in my stomach, which used to make my knees so weak, I see that I am better off without them. Both men brought much more misery to my life than joy when it was all said and done. They tenderly touched my heart, took it all the way up to the mountaintop, and then, unceremoniously, threw it over a cliff. It just barely survived, the last one of the two. Would I ever want to go through that again? UH UH. Was it worth it? NO WAY. I want a feast, of fun, and fulfillment, not crumbs, or leftovers. I believe that, 'Mr. Right', will value me, and treat me better. 

I'm at peace with the fact that those two men weren't meant for me. I want to be as pragmatic as possible while focusing on increasing my chances of getting what  I want, with someone new, that it could work out with. I plan to live my life going forward, in the reality of the situation as it is, rather than in foolish fantasies from the past. I can see now, that not having some relationships work out is a blessing in disguise, saving me a lot of disappointment and grief. My focus is on increasing my odds elsewhere. I want romance, passion and sex. I want laughter and love. I want someone I can trust, who won't let me down time and time again. Someone who is really there for me. Jim and I broke up but got back together several times almost immediately after each split, but I see now that it was a mistake to do that because, instead of valuing me as someone special, and treating me better after a breakup, he actually took me for granted, because he could see how deep my love for him was when I took him back after he did things that I'd honestly lost respect for him for. He knew, I was hooked on him, like a helpless fish, caught on a line. I got treated that way by the second of the two men also. He overwhelmed me with a charm that no one had ever unleashed on me before, and once he saw that I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker, he began treating me badly. It devastated me, but he didn't care. It was part of the reason that I battled suicide not all that long ago. It was merely manipulation of my emotions, for whatever reason, that he decided to do that, to me. Ego, maybe? Control over me? I shudder to think, what his reason was. There's nothing worse for a woman than loving a good man who doesn't turn out to be a good man. At least, to her. I learned a lot of lessons from him, though.

 

    

I'm not going to care about any man, more than, I care about myself, and what I need, going forward. If THAT isn't there, I won't be, either. I will not allow myself to be shortchanged and disrespected and remain in the relationship with anyone. Both men taught me, what I DO want in a man and what I DON'T want in a man.  I don't want to ever be married again, anyway, so I would prefer dating different guys, rather than settle down with just one. Keep things light and fun, so I don't get my heart broken again. It's hard to find as many men to date, at my age, but  I really want to date younger men because I am so energetic and fun-loving still! 

Ideally, I will come across one man, along the way, that will make a good lover. I have been celibate for over 25 years now. That's a long time! TOO Long. I'm also monogamous, when it comes to sex, for health reasons, etc. I hope to be able to just 'play the field', for a while, and out of that find someone who is fun, and hot, to me. I'M SO EXCITED, because I have been delaying gratification for years, and very soon now I should be able to FINALLY focus on HAVING SOME FUN! NO ONE ELSE 'has skin in the game' when it comes to my achieving my goals. IT'S UP TO ME to DO ALL I CAN to MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I was shattered for a long time, after these men DEVASTATED me and left me licking my own wounds, while they have both enjoyed their relationships with wonderful women, who, truthfully, are probably too good for them. I don't have them, but I have MYSELF back, now.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21 NIV)

I'm smart and funny and passionate and enthusiastic, and I have been giving my heart to the wrong men my whole life. I want to guard that treasure, much more carefully, going forward. I don't want to have to spend ANY more of MY, precious, time trying to get over some creep that conned me, like, my last husband, whom  I refer to as 'a son of Satan', or some charmer that nearly costs me my life when they suddenly turn that off and leave me wondering what happened to my heart. MY HEART IS NOT A GAME TO BE PLAYED WITH. I really want to focus on finding  a guy who VALUES, honesty, and sincerity. The next time, a man makes my eyes shine bright, with love, for him, I want him to be WORTH IT, for a change. In the meantime, I plan to have a lot of fun flirting! More than finding LOVE, I just need to HAVE SOME FUN, now. I HOPE I have a GOOD SUMMER this year. I am READY!

* Setting an intention: Intention setting is the process of creating a clear and focused mental or emotional intention for a specific goal or outcome. It involves consciously directing your thoughts and energy toward a desired outcome or experience, with the aim of increasing the likelihood of achieving it. It is the process of identifying and articulating your values, aspirations, and how you want to live your life. It's about creating a mental framework that guides your actions, thoughts, and reactions.

Where Things Stand, For Me, Right Now:

I chose the title of this blog post to catch you up on what's been going on in my life because I haven't been blogging for a few months, but I'm also using it as a reference to my current leg injuries, that I'm trying to recover from, for the last couple of weeks or so now. I'm frustrated by being sidelined in some ways, with that, because I was so productive lately, getting through my lengthy 'To Do List'

in a much faster and more fulfilling way, than I had been doing for quite awhile. Not blogging was one of the biggest reasons that happened because all of those hours, over several days, it, usually, takes me to write most of these posts, was freed up to use toward achieving that goal instead. Being able to focus on these other things that are also important to me was a wonderful feeling, reducing my stress more as each task was checked off my list as being "done" finally. I made some real progress but I still have more to do, that I can't do currently, because those are the very things that led to injuring both my legs. My left leg is healing much faster than the right one. I was on my knees, for prolonged periods, to do  the big project that was still on my list. It was coming together well! I was close  to finally being finished with it, until I had to stop-- for now at least-- because of both my legs swelling up from my knees all the way through both my feet. It has affected what I can do and not do to some extent although thankfully (especially since, I live alone, and must be able to be autonomous, to care for myself) I am able to bear weight on both legs, as well as sit and stand. My left leg appears to  be improving but I have had little-to-no improvement of my right leg so far. It is the more swollen of the two, and the only one with any pain, due to the injuries.

Everything about having good health has taken on much more importance to me as I have gotten older. My concerns are compounded by the fact that if I lose my ability to be independent everything else that matters most to me will be deeply, and possibly permanently, affected by that. Young people can, usually, take their good health for granted, but as we age, that often changes, significantly. When I was in my early twenties, I recall feeling so bored, because of life being so much of 'the same old same old' almost all the time. As I got older, and, also, because, so many things on this earth seem to be becoming more unstable and uncertain,  I've realized that being bored is a true luxury, which far too many people on this planet don't ever have any ability to experience in their lives, at all, due to being  in war zones, or in areas of famine, flood, or fire, and so many other really scary scenarios. I have truly been blessed, so far, to have lived for more than 68 years on earth and be in the, general, circumstances in which I've almost always found myself. Even though I've gone through some truly traumatizing things in my life, as well as some deeply heartbreaking ones, I have never had enemy tanks on my street, or missiles flying overhead my home. I have gone hungry, at times, but it was never due to an inescapable famine in the country that I live in. I have been raped, but I have never had my female parts mutilated by misogynists. As I type this, the entire planet is feeling anxious, because of so much going on that we all wish wouldn't be. Life, is so fragile, and fleeting, and precarious, and precious! It amazes and appalls me how carelessly and callously many people choose to treat this gift of life, whether their own or the lives of others. We're all just one breath, or one heartbeat, away from no longer existing on the earth, and so many things, and far too many people, can take that privilege from us, or from our loved ones. 

Even with all the blessings, that I have had, in my life, by the time I came to live here I was more than a little the worse for wear, and was feeling fairly exhausted from everything that I have been (put) through and from the impact of people on me, who-- in whatever way(s), and for whatever reason(s)-- haven't had my best interests at heart, and who probably didn't treat me the way, they, would want to be treated, if things between us had been reversed. When all of the bull crap and the heartbreak that I have been through here happened to me, on top of all that, it almost cost me my life, by being 'the final straw', breaking me. The struggle to not commit suicide was real, and it truly frightened me, because I deeply cherish the gift of life, and try hard to take care of my health and such, to, hopefully, live  a long life. That was about a year ago, that I had to struggle mightily, to not give in to those thoughts of self-destruction. I almost didn't make it through that, and  it really took a toll on me. Until I moved here, I had never really experienced the  bullying that leads people to commit suicide. When I would see news stories, and read articles, about people going through this, I used to wonder, how words from other people could cause anyone to despair of living. I couldn't imagine that. I've just gotten tears in my eyes, typing this, now, because what I am about to say is that, NOW I KNOW, because, people here, have put me through that. My eyes are filled to the brim with tears now, because of the sadness, and the anger, I feel, at being mistreated this way. They couldn't possibly have any good reason for doing this to me, but that hasn't stopped them; and these are grown adults in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80s. Their behavior deeply disgusts me. Especially when it has come from the, supposedly, 'devout' Christians, that should know better-- and, do better. The fact that they have been the 'leaders' of this movement, to disrespect, and discredit, me, has made it even more painful for me, because they know that  I am also a Christian. This community could have been something truly special for everyone here, but they, chose, to interject this toxicity into the lives of residents here, and it can't be undone now. The damage has been done. Not only to me but to others they targeted as well-- some of whom moved away to escape it and how bad it made them feel. Others moved away who weren't targeted, but didn't like it being such a prominent part of life here, and its effect on the, social, atmosphere.

I just looked at myself in the mirror, and I look, tired, pale, and, noticeably, older, than when I moved here full of excitement at, finally, having this miracle happen, for me, of owning my own home. From my very first day here, the main leader of the clique, also the main instigator, of people treating me badly, from, ostracizing me, to defaming me by outright lies, has disrupted and destroyed my privacy and my peace. It can never be undone-- all the damage that has caused to my life, in this community, by affecting and undermining my initial opportunities for healthy, happy, relationships, with the residents, and staff-- causing me to continually feel ill-at-ease and uncertain, as to what the people that I am interacting with actually believe about me, from all the gossip and untruths told about me, by these clique members, and others, as it spread. I am deeply angry about it. There is no way I will ever choose to be friends with these people who have done this to me. It told me all I need or want to know about their own character. After receiving advice to practice 'Radical Acceptance'* of them, though, for my own sake, I recently began trying to at least act 'neighborly' when I encounter them by being willing to speak to them as I pass by. It is one of the hardest things I have ever even attempted. I don't like them!-- for how they treated me-- and I don't trust them enough to feel safe being vulnerable, around, or with, them.  My main coping mechanism for how I deal with people who mistreat me has always been to, shut down, and withdraw.

I honestly didn't think that I could even attempt to 'accept' these people. This is a very small community though that seems to very often be mainly fueled by gossip

wearing the more pious mask of concern. Maybe, I am just being cynical, to put it that way, but my instincts say that I am right about this-- especially regarding the clique members-- because, if I weren't, how does one explain how these Christian people (that many, but not all, of the clique claim to be) never showed me a bit of 'godly' concern, while they were defaming me, to anyone and everyone they tried to recruit into the clique, against me? Especially the 'leaders', who knew that I am a Christian 'sister in the Lord', and that I had chosen to show them grace and care even after they started disrespecting me, in the beginning, to demonstrate that to them. What they said about me was so over-the-top, and so hateful, that the time came when my normal reaction, to such treatment, to just avoid them, altogether, as much as possible, became how I coped. I disliked them, to the point that, even the sight of them, filled me with resentment, rage, and other unhealthy emotions, boiling inside of me, continually. It was affecting my health, and well-being, while they lived their lives happily because this wasn't being done to them but by them. For my own sake, I had to try to accept that this is who these people are. I'm not even the only resident that they did this type of crap to. I'm just the main target.

Because it is not based on my liking these people (because I don't) but on simply accepting that, they are who they are, and it is what it is, I had to, really, grapple with making the conscious choice to even say "Hi" to them. It took everything, in me, but I did start doing that, this past week. Someone who knew I considered it asked me if I felt better, now that I had started to at least be social, toward them, and I replied, no, I do not feel any better. Only my outward behavior changed. Not my feelings about, all, the ways and times, throughout, my years living here, they have openly shown me disrespect and even outright hostility. They made a choice. There are consequences, for choices that we make in this life. Including, for them.

 

The only thing concerning me, about my being willing to treat them civilly, now, is that they will misperceive my actions, as somehow accepting that, what they have done, is 'okay' with me, when nothing could be further from the truth. I choose to try to be nice toward almost everyone, as much as possible, but unfortunately, it's often taken as 'weakness' or 'stupidity' by people that can't comprehend the great strength (including strength of character) that it takes for me to do that, at times.

So, that is something new that I am trying (without, much desire, or enthusiasm) to accomplish-- for my own sake. Disliking them, as much as I do, was eating me up inside. My focus, and concern, are for my own health and well-being. If God is going to accomplish anything else, in this situation, He is going to have to do it. I acknowledge that He can; especially, since my change in behavior has opened up  a door, for Him to work through. But, I can tell you, it would take, a true miracle!

Some significant things, have happened to me, here, which I consider to be true miracles. God finally blessed me with a home of my very own-- which was, truly, impossible, when I started crying out to Him about my needing this, for my soul.  But, I saw the circumstances, and timing, coming together, in such a way that, it could only be Him bringing this to be. That fact has comforted me a lot, including as I struggled with being suicidal last Spring. While I have often felt undermined, by all the gossip here, I cling, tenaciously, to what I know to be true and of good report**, from the Lord, who is, Himself, Truth. Romans 8:28 is the banner Bible verse over me: "And we know that  God causes everything  to work together  for the  good  of  those  who  love  God  and  are called according to His purpose for them." (NLT) While I see some of the miracles that He has done for me, with my own eyes, others are things that He has done in my heart. That shows me that I can have my heart changed, by Him,-- including, how I feel toward people, if He so chooses. It is not always possible to fathom all the ways, and means, that are the catalysts for change in our lives. Some seem sent by God, but, others, more like some Special Delivery from the Devil himself. In the end, though, God is the one who causes everything to work together for our good-- even the things that, seem to us to be, so bad, especially as we are in the midst of experiencing them.

I have often cried out to God for a 'special someone', to love, and be loved by, in my life. That still has never come together for me, but there are times that I feel that, all things considered, where men are concerned, God is trying to spare me, from, more, of the aggravation, and angst, that men seem to bring into my life. I have such a deep capacity for love. Most, humans, never get to see that, though, because they usually don't inspire, or awaken that, in my heart. I have learned to be very circumspect, and cautious, where other human beings are concerned, due to being handled so carelessly and coldly by so many of them, throughout my life.

I have been significantly let down (an understatement!) by so many people, in so  many ways. I am generally extremely wary of other human beings, which, makes it very difficult for one of them to get into my heart. That is a sacred space, to be sure. Very few people have been able to do it, and probably have no idea, what a compliment, that is, to them, when they do. I've dated countless men. I was also married, several, times, before I, finally, realized, in my thirties, that I do not like marriage, and I have stayed single ever since. Yet there have only been two men  in my entire life, so far, who completely captured my heart. The tragedy of that is neither one of them even wanted it. As I stare at that sentence, I shake my head, trying to make sense of that. The odds should have been in my favor, that, out of all the men, I have known in my life, ONE, would have been my soul mate. When  I was working as a dancer I talked to thousands of men in those nightclubs, and I even married two of them from there, but I didn't really love either one of them. I just tried (and failed) to make the best of a bad situation. The first man that ever actually captured my heart (and then threw it back) was my second husband Jim; my son's father. My heart was solidly stuck on him. I couldn't get over loving him, no matter how hard I tried. In the meantime, he married a wonderful woman, as his second wife, and they've had a very good marriage, together, all these years. 

The only other man, that my heart ever truly loved, was not even trying to get in my heart, and I don't think that either one of us saw that coming, or were happy about it, at all. All I got was the worst heartbreak of my life, and the unexpected gift that, he was able to finally bump Jim out of where he had been lodged in my heart without budging for so many years. That, amazed me, because no one had ever been anywhere near able to do that, and this man did it without trying to! I suffered, enormously, trying to get over the man, that 'cured me' of loving Jim. I  was finally able to kill the butterflies and stop the weak knees he caused, and get free of the torment of that, by allowing myself to feel the anger, in me, at how he disrespected me and humiliated me as his way of reacting to the unwelcome and unwanted feelings that I had for him. He was an expert exterminator of my love. My heart's finally free of deeply loving any man now, which I consider to be a gift to me, because I am fully open to finding my person now, if God made a man for me. Maybe that old expression, "The third time's the charm", will be true for me, where love is concerned! I, finally, feel excited, about the possibilities, instead of feeling stuck loving either one of the two men that, for their own reasons, didn't want me. This is one of the main reasons that I stopped blogging, the end of last year, until I resumed it, now. Sitting here writing this is not getting me outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and isn't helping me meet someone who might be my soul mate, before I run out of time to ever have them in my life if I do find them. 

Right before I decided to attempt the 'Radical Acceptance' regarding my situation here, I felt the toxic impact of living surrounded by clique members so strongly, I didn't think it would be good for my holistic health to continue to live like this. For a very brief moment in time, I seriously leaned toward leaving, but God reminded me what He did for me, to bring me here, and give me my home, and that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), which is what I've been up against here, because, it IS such a GREAT BLESSING, from GOD, for me. Acts 2:28 (NLT) says, "You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence." I have often told God that, I trust Him, because, I can take Him at His Word. He DID bring me here, and He DID give me my home, that brings me such joy every day. I just have to keep on trusting Him, to work out all the other stuff.

I am trying to get past all that. I would so much rather have a positive report, to share with you, such as the 'Radical Acceptance' bringing something about that's better for us all. This could be such a great place, for ALL of us to be, if this kind  of petty crap was stopped, once and for all, and everyone made a genuine effort  to behave better toward one another. God does miracles, so there's always hope! 

I have been delayed in getting the last few things of my 'To Do List' done, while I try to heal my two legs. Since, working on those projects led to these injuries, in the first place, I don't think I should do anymore of them, unless and until all the swelling and tenderness goes down. This frustrating setback is keeping me home right now, preventing my getting out there to meet new people beyond this small community which, I hope, will lead to my, finally, finding true love, at some point! If you pray, please pray for my health and healing, and that I find the RIGHT guy to CAPTURE MY HEART, next time I fall in love. When I pray about it, I tell God, I  hope, whoever he is, will have similar attributes to the only two men I have ever truly loved, but maybe not the same faults (even though everybody has some). I  did not feel respected by either one of the men I loved, and that is a pet peeve of mine. At the very least, I hope the man for me will love music, love to dance, and make me laugh! I also hope they will be honest with me because I hate being lied to. I don't see how anyone can truly love someone that doesn't respect them, and that is not honest with them. Sexual attraction, however strong, only goes so far.

If this healing of my legs takes a long time, I might not have much of anything to  share with you here next month, because of being so curtailed and constrained by it. It is so frustrating, because I truly thought I would already be totally done with the long 'To Do List', finally, and fixing myself up, and getting out of the house, to go explore, and enjoy some of my hobbies such as photography and drawing, and hopefully meet some fun people to become friends with, and maybe my Mr. Right!

(If I do meet 'my guy', there are going to be some, private, things that I won't be sharing, here, of course, because I don't want him to resent my being a blogger!)   

* Radical Acceptance: "At its most basic, radical acceptance is a practice that involves accepting emotions, thoughts and circumstances that are unchangeable and out of your control. To radically accept means to completely recognize and accept the reality you’re in—even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Regularly practicing radical acceptance can help us cope with painful emotions so we can move on or even come up with a plan to make an uncomfortable situation better." - Nicole McDermott https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-radical-acceptance/#:~:text=At%20its%20most%20basic%2C%20radical,reality%20includes%20pain%20or%20discomfort.

** "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4:8 (King James Bible)

UPDATE

Dear Readers,

Today I am just updating you so you know where things stand, generally, because I don't want to leave you hanging not knowing what's going on with me right now.

When I stopped writing the blog posts the end of last year, it was because I need to 'get out there', before it's too late and I run out of time to LIVE my life. Sitting here typing takes time, energy and focus away from my attempting to have more of my needs met, and hopefully make more of my dreams come true! I thought I would finally be ready to go do something about all that, as this new year began, but the projects I have been working on all seem to take longer than I think they will. I have been making significant progress, working my way down that lengthy 'To Do List', since I wasn't spending the hours, that it normally takes me, to write each blog, sitting here typing, for the last three months. I'm still not finished with all those things that I need to do, despite the 'Finish Line' coming into view, more clearly, now, with each thing I complete and cross off the list. Sometimes, when I get one of these things done, it causes me to realize that, a NEW project needs to be ADDED to my list, so I don't really gain any ground, with getting through all of these things. I also still have the old PC, with the, tired, keyboard, that now skips spaces as I type on it, causing me to have to back up and fix those gaps in words.

>sigh!<

What I have wanted to share with you-- enough to resume writing my blog-- are things that I have been learning, and struggling with, and, trying, to make peace with, in my life here. Things that have made me angry -- even ENRAGED. Things that have hurt me. Things that, very nearly, caused me to abandon what matters to me, just to flee from the relentless stress of having to deal with other peoples' BULLSHIT. There is nowhere on the planet to go to find guaranteed peace though so there really is NO ESCAPE from these people in or aligned with the clique, who have made my life so miserable here; or others like them. I almost allowed them to run me off, including from the aspects of my life that do make me happy-- just to BE RID OF THEM. But when I recovered from my RAGE at them from the most recent round of their CRAP I saw that THEY are NOT WORTH my losing the GOOD things in my life over! I was talking with a neighbor, yesterday, who asked me if I were moving, which could have been because I was outside with a suitcase I was taking to the dumpster or even just because EVERYTHING about my life seems to get GOSSIPED ABOUT, here, and I had asked a few neighbors for empty boxes, if they had any to spare, from their deliveries and such, around the time that I also considered moving away, because of the clique. Several residents actually moved away, from this, otherwise idyllic, place to live, and cited the clique as their main reason, or as one of their most compelling reasons. Even though, I've been their main target-- from my FIRST day here, and for 2 1/2 YEARS, now-- I hadn't ever seriously contemplated moving away from here for any reason, including because of them-- despite the, TRULY HORRIBLE, GOSSIP, RUMORS, and OUTRIGHT LIES, that they have SPREAD, ABOUT ME, HERE-- until, last month, when I became SO ENRAGED that I almost decided to do that. That would have been a real tragedy, though, because there is so much that is good about my life here, now, IN SPITE OF THEM, and because I would have lost everything that matters most, to me, in my life, just to get these bitches out of my life. THEY ARE, WHO THEY ARE. I said to the neighbor who asked me yesterday if I were moving that my living here's a TRUE MIRACLE FROM GOD that HE DID FOR ME, and that it's actually SATAN who comes to steal, kill, and destroy; that the devil seems to do A LOT of his work on this earth through people-- who consider themselves 'good' Christians; and that I realized, it was not wise, or worth it, to let go of this, one-and-only, Desire Of My Heart, that I have EVER HAD, in MY LIFE, because of these people, when it is not even about who I AM, but about who THEY are, and THEIR LACK OF CHARACTER.

So, I need to stop, for now, because, I really have gotten ALOT more DONE, since I stopped blogging for awhile, but I still have more that I need to do, so I can get out of the house, alot more, to try to make more of my dreams come true. I want to have more FUN in my life, and hope for a summer romance if I meet someone! Sometime this month I will write the post about these things I am learning, about me, my life, and how I want to live it, and who I will allow in it-- or not!-- though.

Not 'Happily Ever After' But It Is 'The End'

. . . of this blog.

Christmas Eve 2023

Every Christmas in the past, I was always drawn to the light emanating from the Christmas tree, as I sat alone, in the otherwise dark room, late at night, sending my silent prayers and wishes to God for what I hoped that my future would hold. Those deep desires always had something to do with love. Coming from a family that was not warm or affectionate, and never truly finding love with anyone else, I've felt 'love-starved', my entire life. So many years passed, with no one special in my life of any kind, that those have now become decades, that I'm well aware almost equal an entire expected lifespan for a human being. I just never found a reciprocal relationship to fill the hole in my soul where a mutual love needs to be to heal my badly broken heart. That, intrinsic, human need has remained unmet.  This year, I have felt more hopeless about it happening, than any time in my life.

So, I suppose it's symbolic that, this year, I managed to take my new 6' artificial Christmas tree out of the box, assemble it, and even make an admirable attempt to make the branches look somewhat more realistic, which, I only did because of  a friend's encouragement that I do so, who said, it would bring me some "hope", but I can find no motivation in me whatsoever to put the lights or decorations on it. It is sitting unlighted and unadorned, in the corner of this very room, as I type this; mostly enveloped by the darkness rather than emanating a hopeful glow, as the only light in the house is coming from this computer screen that I'm sitting in front of as I type this. The outside of my home is just as dark, visually creating a black hole of sorts, on a street that is otherwise showcasing each neighbor's light displays for the holiday season. I can't seem to motivate to do any better. I can't muster any hope. I don't know if I am depressed, despondent, or just realistic as  I acknowledge to myself and now to you here that, at this point, I don't think my life is suddenly going to become more of what I've always needed or longed for it to be, since it never has before in all this time, even though I've prayed a lifetime of prayers about that very thing finally happening for me. Why try? It is what it is.

There seems to be a permanent disconnect, between the desires of my heart and how my life actually goes. I simply cannot believe that I will ever have a, 'happily ever after', at this point. No prayer that I've ever prayed, nothing I've ever done, has helped the situation, or made this much-needed miracle ever happen for me.

I don't know why God made me and put me on this earth but it just doesn't seem to have anything to do with my loving and being loved by someone special. Satan seems to have won, by blocking any real love that might have ever come my way, otherwise. I'm resigned to it, at this point. I really have lost all hope that Disney's strongly implied promise, of 'happily ever after', that every little girl seems to buy into from a very young age, has any part whatsoever in my destiny. I just started to tear up as I began to type this next statement: I feel like completely 'damaged goods', that is just not lovable. As painful and distressing as that is, I can't 'fix' it, because I've tried, all I know to do about it, over the course of my lifetime. When it is all said and done, God created me, to be, uniquely, me, and I have to be true to that-- who, and what, that is-- even though, it seems to make me less lovable.

I am a survivor and, so far, I have managed to find some way to keep putting one foot in front of the other, continuing my pilgrimage on this planet. I'm hoping that something about me will bring God glory, since I was His idea. As far as my hopes and dreams, that are smashed to smithereens by all the blows they have suffered over the years, it is simply a fact that, most of my life is behind me now, because I'll be 68 years old, this coming February. It feels too late, and I feel too tired, for 'special', to happen, for me, now. I'd love to be proved wrong about that, though.

I live with both my faults and my qualities 24/7, and all things considered I really like me, even though, who, and what, that is doesn't seem to win me 'the popular vote', in situations where people prefer to be more insincere and superficial. I am far more honest than most people, which makes them uncomfortable, but I don't want to be fake to be befriended. I'm a very genuine-- what you see, is what you get-- person. I am also very funny, love to laugh, and dance around, and sing out loud. I love to feel free to be me, whether I am alone or with others. Even though I have genuine compassion I finally learned that I need to set boundaries because other people drained me dry due to my giving nature to the point of total burnout for me. I had to realize that the one person I needed to advocate for, and nurture, was myself, which I was totally neglecting, while thinking that someone sometime would at least finally reciprocate all the loving care that I gave them, which never happened. I love so selflessly and deeply, when I love, that I have to try to guard my heart because people with wrong motives sense or see that about me and will exploit it for their own purposes that usually have nothing to do with caring about me in return. I barely survived the experience the last time I loved someone, and  I definitely don't want to risk that again, with them, or with anyone like them. If I don't match the description I just gave of myself, to people interacting with me, it is because I have walls up protecting myself due to either not knowing or trusting them. I usually start out giving people the benefit of the doubt, showing them my friendly, funny, nature, but if I see that they don't respect or value that in me I go behind my wall of cool reserve or cordial aloofness; and in the case of people who mistreat me in some way, I avoid them, all I can, and when I can't do that, I stay shut down as completely as possible around them in order to try to protect myself.

When I was beginning this blog, almost 5 years ago, now, I had to give it a title. I finally decided on what I did (Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections) because I had felt, at the time, that even though I have gone through some really difficult things, I would, ultimately, triumph over these things at some point (whether that was due to a miracle, or perhaps by my sheer determination), eventually coming out of the long dark night of the soul into the light and life that I have always longed for and needed. However, at this point I not only do not feel like I have been 'ascending' no matter how hard I've tried, but I feel like I haven't even ever really gotten off the ground despite still managing to 'crash and burn'. I just don't have the stamina anymore to keep enduring so much in life that is truly discouraging to me and still manage to find optimism about the ultimate outcome.

I am tired. I am damaged. I am broken in a way that feels 'beyond repair', at this point. The naivete of youth wore off decades ago. There's just nothing left, in me, that believes things will ever get any better. A lot of people live lives without love. I had hoped against hope that I would not be one of those, but the reality is that,  I have been for whatever reason. Destiny? A curse? I marvel at how some people seem to lead such charmed lives in comparison to my own with almost all of their dreams coming true for them. I would not even know how to act, if that had ever happened for me, because I have almost no experience with that, in my own life.

On Christmas Day, I set my stack of tissues beside me to wipe my runny nose if I cried during the Hallmark holiday movies that I watched back-to-back all day long as I sat on the sofa in my pajamas and robe, but I never did cry, once, that whole day. I had cried at some point during almost every romantic movie that I watched all season, up until that point. I just felt numb now. Like love that culminated in a 'happily ever after' was some concept that had nothing at all to do with me or my life. I long ago started living my life in 'the bachelor(ette) mode' because of being by myself all these years with no one to do things for or to impress, so my choice for Christmas dinner may sound somewhat elegant but it was far from it. I looked in the freezer, and the pantry, when I got hungry, before deciding to have, salmon and Asian Brussels sprouts. This meal wasn't plated in a festive holiday pairing for my dining pleasure, though. It was actually a small pouch of flaked fish, that I ate right out of the package that it came in after I tore the top off, and frozen sprouts from Walmart with soy sauce poured over them, that I ate right from the pan that I cooked them in. Even the gingerbread that I had for dessert was from a box and I mixed it up right in the pan I baked it in to avoid dirtying a bowl. All the things I had bought to bake homemade treats, like I used to, are still sitting in the pantry. I had also bought all the ingredients to make a brand-new recipe for an entree I'd seen online, which I still have because I just wasn't motivated to make it after all. Considering the way that I have felt for a while now I was just proud of myself for even getting up and being willing to deal with a new day at all, because I stopped believing, there is ever going to be one in which my dreams will finally come true. 

I don't make 'New Year's Resolutions' anymore, because, as is the case with most people, those, don't seem to last, beyond mid-February. I have realized, however, that for me to have any real chance of finding more happiness than I have, so far, in my life, I have to do something different. That is one of the main reasons that I am not going to continue writing this blog. This, will be my last post. I have sat in front of this (now, very, old, and tired) desktop computer for nearly 5 years, now, spending a lot of hours typing these, often quite long, posts, and crying a lot, as I relive to recount all these things in my life that have contributed to my 'dark night of the soul'. This, final, post will be the 90th one that I have toiled, and teared up, over, for this blog. Most of these blog posts have not been easy for me to write for various reasons, but this month's is even more difficult, because it will be my very last one, so I have to decide, what I still need to say, or not say, here. It is now or never, for that. I just don't think it is realistic for me to keep writing this blog that by its very title indicates that I think I will eventually have a 'happily ever after' at some point, when, I no longer think that I will. I'm just hoping I can survive, now.

It would really be amazing, though, if I changed how I live my life and did end up finding real love finally, and I owe it to myself to make an effort to do that, rather than not even try. Surely, God put at least one person on the planet that is meant to be with me. They won't come, knocking on my door, so I have to go find them.

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I really need for so many things to be different, in my life. It's become all too obvious to me that unless or until I do things differently, I will continue getting the same results, and not have any hope, that these aspects of my life can ever get any better than they have been. I really feel the impact of every day being a gift to me, now that I'm a senior citizen. I also feel that a large majority of the days of my life that are already spent and gone have been wasted by me while I, passively, waited, and prayed, and hoped against hope that things would finally fall into place. That did not happen, so I need to spend my time and energy doing all I can to find-- and live-- the life I have always dreamed of rather than sitting here alone in front of this computer writing about why I don't have it. After all, it isn't just going to come to me while I sit here, isolated and unfulfilled.  I have had almost 5 years of writing this blog to figure that out. I am not getting what I need or want this way. I'm in a downward spiral, that I need to pull out of.

I started writing this blog in February of 2019. I had never blogged before. It was started for only one reason-- my counselor at the VA (I'm a veteran) told me that  I should write down these stories from my life so I could process them, and make peace with them, as much as possible. She didn't specify what way to write them. I had done a lot of journaling in notebooks with a pen prior to that, which had not seemed to help me 'make peace with things' very much, if at all. All I had to show for that was a stack of old notebooks, and writer's cramp. Typing on a keyboard is so much easier, so I began to pray, about whether I should start writing a blog, to do as my counselor had advised me. I told God that if I did this, I was going to be honest about everything, because, otherwise, it would not really resolve anything. The Bible says, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."  (John 8:32) I believe that it honors God when we are truthful about things. He IS Truth.

When I felt like God was saying to write it, I created this blog and gave the VA the link to it for my counselor to be able to access it. Then, I sat at this very keyboard that has served me well in writing all these posts and that now has keys that stick as I type, and I started pouring out my broken heart about all the disappointment, damage, and despair, that I have been so deeply affected by, throughout my life. I wrote about the things that weren't the happier moments, because those were the ones that I needed to (try to) come to terms with. Some were really hard to write. Alot of tears fell as I wrote about those things, and I even had anxiety attacks as I wrote about some of the things that have traumatized me. The portrait of me, and my life, that they painted, was not a pretty picture, for so many reasons, including because of my own sin, and shortcomings. It took alot for me to be as transparent as I have been in these posts. I cannot even begin to calculate how many hours of my life I have sat here in front of this computer screen typing all these blog posts. My hope is that, in some way or other, what I have shared here will help others, in their lives, whether that is because they have been through similar things or other reasons. When we can turn our pain into purpose, it can help us, and others, heal.

I have often turned some of my pain into poems, to try to purge it from my heart. I wrote a lot of them about, love, longing, and heartbreak. I said that I would put more of them in my blog along the way, so I am including the ones below to fulfill that promise, since this is my last post. I don't know the dates that I wrote them.

Memories On My Mind  

I don't wanna have him on my mind.

He's gone but my brain just hits rewind.

It makes me relive my broken heart,

From the end all the way back to the start.

It has been really hard to take.

I keep on seeing my mistakes.

I wish it was different but it's not.

This broken heart is all I've got.

How can I make these memories go?

There must be some way that I don't know.

It hurts to remember all that pain.

I don't want to feel all that again.

He was my Heaven and my Hell.

There's really nothing more to tell.

So, what makes these memories haunt my soul?

Why can't I seem to get control?

He's gone but in my mind I see,

Him standing here in front of me.

The Heart Whisperer

haiku

He was the heart whisperer,

Taming my wild heart,

Like no one else had or could.

It's All In Your Mind

Who gets to decide, if what you feel,

Is just a crush, or something real?

I've been through that, and it's not fun.

They start a fire, and then they run.

They use their head to judge my heart,

When it is, clearly, torn apart.

They twist the tale, and say a lot,

To make it seem, like it was not,

A special thing, if just for me,

Because there never was a 'we'.

Making sure, they take no blame,

Because for them, it was a game.

They make the truth be redefined.

 When it's not in their heart,

"It's all In your mind."

Feeling The Loss

free verse

I've lost more than I ever had.

Got my heart broke without ever being loved.

Sometimes it really seems like,

 I get none of the good and all of the bad.

I wish my heart had never cared.

I can't control the things it feels.

It holds me prisoner sometimes,

When I want to be free of the pain.

It can be a real bully,

Stopping my smile and stealing my joy,

Leaving me bleeding and broken in spirit,

Because of its unceasing blows.

Why can't my heart be my friend,

Instead of an enemy that tells me such lies?

It can be so untrustworthy and cruel.

I don't ever want to love again,

Unless their heart is sharing the risk, as well.

One-way love is no love at all.

Just another way to have a heartbreak.

Who needs that? Not me, for sure,

But my sadistic heart set me up to fall,

And I fell so hard that,

I shattered into a million pieces

That all still believed the love was right, and real.

The heart can be a very convincing liar.

All it brought me was the loss of someone,

That I never even had.

Hateful heart, hurting me,

When that was the last thing that I needed.

Heart Of Gold 

You gotta love 'heart of gold' people.

They make this cruel world safe,

For those of us with broken hearts

To come out of our dark place,

To the light of their love,

They kindly share with us,

While we find our way again,

And slowly learn to trust.

God bless all the 'heart of gold' people.

I'm grateful to them all,

For taking time to be for me,

A soft place I can fall.

I would not have made it

This far if not for them.

They listen without judgement,

And try to understand.

They really are my heroes,

Helping me get through,

The things that nearly crushed me,

That this world has put me through.

This life is not easy. Everyone has their share of heartache and unmet needs they have to deal with; at least, at some point in their lives. I hoped that my mistakes and failures, that I described in these posts, along with all the other things that I spoke of here, would help someone else to avoid the brokenness in their own life.  I wondered what my readers' lives were like, and I felt like they (I just teared up, typing this sentence) were newfound friends, that had come alongside me, on my journey. I knew they could judge me-- even harshly, for some of the things that I shared here; but I also knew that so many of us long for someone to just be 'real' in this world. So few people seem to be comfortable telling the truth! Truth, is the thing that never really goes away, so whether it is comfortable, or uncomfortable, to live with, it's factual, it's real, it's solid, and it's never-changing. It doesn't shift like it feels when we are standing on sand, so it makes a strong foundation. I can cope with it better than I can with lies and 'spin doctoring', and manipulation and fake stuff. For me to feel secure with a person, or in a place, I have to know, who people really are and what I am actually dealing with. It is anxiety-producing and even excruciating, to not have any idea, about these things. It torments my soul.

I sat here reading through a few of my posts, late last night, that some unknown reader had chosen, from almost 90 posts, to read, in the last couple of days. The ones they selected, were mostly about my describing things not working out with men in my life and how I had been mistreated by men. Some were messy from a formatting perspective (which I was too tired to correct, last night, but have done so now), and some were 'messy' due to all the emotions those posts expressed. I read those old posts, with somewhat fresh eyes, because they were, mostly, from 2019, the first year, I started writing this blog, and one post was from a couple of years ago. They were all very long posts, so I wondered how much of that deluge of my descriptions the reader had stuck with and why they were so curious about those past parts of my life. Two of them were about my second husband Jim, who I'd referred to as 'the one man that I would love forever' until one other man that I encountered came along, and changed that, by making it two men, I've felt that way about, in my entire life, as he left Jim in his dust, because, he was the better man, of the two. No one else had ever been able to do that, to my heart, in all 40 years, since I gave Jim my heart and then he broke it so badly. So, naturally I did not think that anyone ever could do that, so I didn't see that coming. Of course, I got my heart broken-- the worst I ever have, by far-- but I learned, how deeply, I could actually care about someone, and that was a revelation to me about myself. I'd never felt anything like that, before, or even anything close to it. Even for Jim.

As I read about my relationship with Jim, last night, I saw it so differently, now. I was only 24 when I met him, and he was over a year younger than me, I think. I had expected him to be more of a man, when it was clear he was still so much of  a boy. More than that, though, as I read, I saw how broken I was even back then and I wondered how anyone that damaged could, or would, ever be loved by any man. Jim did do some really wonderful things for me that brought me some deep and lasting healing. The sexual healing that he gifted me with opened up options, for my future, that I likely would not have had without that relationship with him.  Because of his skill in the sack, I went from being, sexually shut down, from rape trauma, to 'running hot', in my sexuality. He connected me to that part of myself. 

If a woman is lucky enough to find a truly talented man, sexually speaking, like I did, with Jim, his being a great lover will awaken that, dormant, sexual, part of a woman, to herself, and when that happens, she can never go back again, to what is generally settled for, as 'regular sex' with a man. The 'Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am', quick stuff, selfishly done, and over with, by a man, in mere minutes. It  is impossible to settle for that once you know, how great, the difference is, being in bed with a man who totally turns you on, and takes you to a place of pleasure beyond anything you could conceive before. The lack, of sexual skill, that far too many men never bother to improve on, can't 'turn the ignition on and rev up the engine' in a woman's body and soul before it's over, which is why a lot of women do not like, and therefore avoid, sex. It is not fun, or fulfilling, for them! Sadly, if that's all they have ever known with a man, they don't even realize that the men have never taken them to the place of bliss that, their body is capable of feeling.

I'm forever grateful to Jim, for that one thing alone. Many women never get that.

Even so, I would never want him back because I still vividly remember how badly he treated me when we weren't having sex with one another and how he made it clear to me that everyone else in his life always mattered more to him than I did.

It's clear that I need a man whom I haven't met yet, and I'm hoping the changes that I plan to make in my life will lead to me meeting someone that will prove, to me, that they respect me and value me, which, neither, of the other two men did, based on how badly they treated me, at times. No woman wants a man who does not respect her and isn't honest with her. I know I don't. I underlined part of this: 

Sometimes taking care of the self means we have to let go of relationships that are causing us harm, pain, frustration, and spiritual inflammation.​​​​​​​​ When it comes to letting go, it helps to consciously accept that none of us ever let go because we want to. Letting go is always painful. We let go because the person we trusted has acted in a way that has caused us to understand that the trust we once had is gone. We let go because we understand that the person we care for does not value who we are. We let go because, no matter how many times we have tried to resolve an issue, the issue never gets resolved. We let go because the relationship and communication between us and the other is too painful--it is unbalanced--one-sided--and or abusive.​​​​​​​​ - Lisa A. Romano, Breakthrough Life Coach

I don't know if I will ever, truly, be loved, by anyone, but I am at least open to the possibility. By the time I read those blog posts, last night, I saw myself as just too damaged to ever be loved, though. (I felt tears in my eyes, just typing that.) So, I think I may be on the right track by simply hoping to find a good lover with sex as the focus, not love. Even that will be a challenge for me to find, though. In my age group there is a much bigger chance that a man will have a health condition that's affecting his ability to function sexually, such as, erectile dysfunction, and prostate trouble. I don't want a man to have to take a pill, to get hard, for me. I have been

celibate for so many years now that, I have no idea how my body will be, sexually speaking, as a, post-menopausal woman. I only have my vibrator use to indicate I still have a very strong sexual desire but I don't know how I would do with a man.

I am still open to meeting men, but I think that I want it to stay lighthearted, and fun, and not turn into something that can put me through the HELL of heartbreak, again. I love to laugh! I have a good sense of humor, but I am also a very serious person, so it is actually not that easy to get me to laugh. The Bible even says that "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22).  I truly believe that, God prescribes laughter, and joy, for us to be our healthiest, and happiest. That is what I long for. Lots of laughter (and sex; but, hopefully, not at the same time)! I want to have some fun at this point in my life, because my life hasn't been alot of fun overall. It really is now or never for me to have happiness in my life. I am still not sure how to find it though, and it hasn't exactly found me. Below is something that I posted online about a year ago that is an example of my love of writing and my sense of humor. This guy posted the following with the picture of the cats. . . .

Album cover. Go …

I love captioning photos! The 'creative writer' in me comes out to play! So, I wrote the following captions, for the 'album cover' photograph of the cats group. The top line of each set would be the name of the band of cats, and the lower is the album title, for each set. I referenced the photo directly, to match the mood. This kind of thing is so much fun for me! I love accessing my creative expression. It flexes me.

Deb Robinson

December 8, 2022

Hairball Hellions

Coming For Your Catnip

Mean Mousers

The Last Of Nine Lives

Stray Cats

I Ain't Yo Pet

Beantoes Band

I Ain't No Pussy

Feral Felines

Keep Your Fleas To Yourself

Someone that can make me laugh is the number one thing that I need in a man to live as joyfully as possible regardless of whatever unknowns life may have in store for me. Jim, my first real love, did not make me laugh, but I did not realize at that young age how important that special attribute is in a man. I know it now, though, because, the only other man I have ever really loved, did make me laugh-- often-- and it was a wonderful thing, that I truly appreciated, about him, and have missed a lot. However, he was very disrespectful toward me, a liar at times and extremely manipulative, which are all huge turn offs to me, in a person, so I wouldn't be able to ever trust him, and wouldn't want somebody like that in my life, even if I could.

 

As silly as it may sound, a hairy chest, would be the second most important thing, to me, about a man. Bald chests on males looks like boys not men, to me. A hairy chest on a man turns me on in very primal ways, that I can't even articulate here, because it would start to sound more like I was writing porn! It is not possible, for me, to be attracted to a man that's slick-chested. A hairy chest on a man is one of the main attributes of the male body which emphasizes the absolute asset of their having masculinity in comparison to my femininity. It's contrast. Vive la différence!

 

That being said, though, a man might have other things about him which are deal breakers. As an example, I love watching a lot of the videos, online, of John Noble (who goes by Jdaddy74) dancing, but besides the fact that he is a happily married family man, I have seen his camo clothes, for hunting, and the animal heads hung on the walls behind him, in those same videos, and all those things would prevent me from ever having an actual relationship with him if it were even possible to do.

Nobody is perfect, including me, but for a man to be, the perfect one for me, they have to have some specific traits and not have certain other ones. Otherwise, they may be one of several men, that I fantasize about, sexually, when I am getting off with my vibrator to release the pent-up tension in my body from being celibate for so long, but I would never actually be with them in real life, even if that were ever possible. Women can have carnal appetites just like men do and just want orgasm for the pure pleasure of experiencing that ecstatic throbbing sensation that allows me to fall asleep with a gratified giggle and a big smile on my face! We are sexual creatures, just like men are, only we are far more often shortchanged in the sack, by inadequate male partners who are more focused on what they can get from us than what they can do for us, as their lovers. That is why, I realize that, I may be better off having sex with my toys, than being disappointed by a man, in my bed. 

I'm putting this out there into the Universe, to try to activate the law of attraction:

My perfect man would have a combination of attributes from both of the men that I have deeply loved, and some of the characteristics of 'Jdaddy74'. He would have to be free-spirited enough to enjoy suddenly breaking into a dance and/or a song, on his own or with me, and accept that I frequently do this myself. He would have to have a ready smile a lot of the time, and medium build; not thin, and definitely not fat. I want a man to be taller than me, because I am 5'9" and 6' in high heels but I like feeling smaller than and protected by a man. I would like for him to not care what other people think of him if he is at peace with who and what he is. He has to be a nonsmoker. I want someone who, doesn't allow the opinions of others to sway what he thinks about and feels for me. I want him to know his own mind, and heart, and live true, to those things. I want a man who is intelligent, that can comprehend, and converse about, a lot, of things, like Jim was. I don't want some sports fanatic that watches games all the time. I want a man who loves the beach like me. I definitely don't want a narcissist or abuser, who charms me then harms me as soon as they see that they have totally captured my heart. That is so cruel.

I have had enough experiences with men, by now, to know what I want and need, and don't want and need, in a romantic partner. I want a man who is protective of my privacy, and isn't telling people things that are none of their business and that are personal to me. I hate being lied to, and gossiped about. It angers me deeply, and is a total turn off. I want to be hugged and held and kissed and shown lots of physical affection. I want us to give one another massages. I want a man that will defend, and protect, me, not criticize or mistreat me. I want a man that will never humiliate me, either in private or in public; especially, to save face, for himself, at my expense. I want a man who will give me butterflies, in my stomach, and make my knees weak when I think of him, or he touches me. I want him to be my hero!

He has to be honest, especially with me. He needs to communicate with me about anything and everything. I have to be able to trust him. He should show me, I am his priority, over other people, if we are a couple. I need a man to be, the man, in the relationship, and appreciate that I am his woman. A manly man who is strong but gentle. That combination is devastatingly hot, to me. I don't like facial hair on a man. I want a man who loves staying home and cuddling together and enjoying the simple pleasures of private time, not a party animal, or a social butterfly, that always wants to go out and party and be the center of attention, like Jim was. Jim felt restless, and unhappy, and unfulfilled, by staying home but I love to be home!

I need a man who understands I am a night person, and that I always have been, and always will be, because that affects my daily routine, and the hours that I am available and unavailable, to him. A man who is a good, safe, driver; and protects me from contagious viruses and such because he knows I am high risk for serious complications if I catch those things and he wants to keep me safe all that he can.

I've learned, sometimes the hard way, by what I've gone through with men in my relationships with them, what I want and need, and don't want or need, in a man. That information is helpful, to me, because, if I ever do meet him, I will recognize him, because of who and what he is, and isn't. Neither one, of the two men that I have truly, deeply, loved in my life were right for me, for a variety of reasons. But they were, and always will be, very special to me, for how, wonderful, they were, in all the ways that they were, apart from their obvious faults, and shortcomings, some of which, caused them to hurt me deeply, and even break my heart. People aren't perfect. We all, hurt each other. Sometimes, without even meaning to, and sometimes, even intentionally. Despite, all of that, I do hope that, somewhere on this planet is my person, that God made just for me, to love and be loved by, and that we will finally find one another, because time is getting short. When it works, there is nothing better, on this earth, than love! It makes all of the mundane and monotonous things about life seem so much more worthwhile too. Love is magic!

So, starting now, I am going to spend more time out and about, than I have been while writing this blog the last several years. I will be pursuing my other interests and hobbies, most of which I have neglected, for far too long, now. I will be going for more walks, spending more time in Nature. Maybe, I will even meet someone, but even if I don't it will be healthier for me than sitting here not getting fresh air or exercise. Studies say that being inactive damages our health, and shortens our lifespan. I don't want to do either of those things. I have this, one, life and I want to live it, as fully as possible. Hopefully at some point I will have better outcomes.

   

Thank you, every single one of you, for being readers of my blog, especially those of you who have been faithful readers for these many years now. It feels like you joined me on my journey and walked alongside me through some dark days. I so appreciate you, and I am truly, deeply, humbled that you felt that my words were worth your time to read. I hope that some of them gave you something to ponder about your own life. We are each on a pilgrimage, that is uniquely our own, while still being similar to every other solitary soul, in the great mass of humanity, that is happy, and hopeful, and hurting at various times, as we each try to live our life. It seems fitting, to me, to include, my very first blog post, below, in this final one.

The Remarkable Power That A Word Has

[This is my very first Blog. I feel that I have worthwhile words to say here. Through my blogging I may also discover whether others of you, in this cyber space, share that opinion with me. I would truly appreciate your input and interaction here, because, of all the things that words are, I believe that their being a bridge between us is surely one of the most important ones. - Deb]

In thinking back over a wide variety of instances throughout my own life, I find it remarkable that a single word used, or left unused yet still greatly affecting the outcome, either at or about those times, has so much power! Power to transform, or tear down. Power to heal or hurt. Power to unite or isolate. POWER.

Words are the foundational currency of our relationships with one another. The words of others have deeply and even permanently affected my life in many ways. I have warmed to a word of kindness. I have withdrawn when a word is abusive. I have embraced when a word is loving. I have winced, as if punched in the gut, when a word was cruel, and I didn't need that. I have wept, while being comforted, by a word that was warm, when I did need that. I, also, have affirmed, encouraged, entertained, pledged, promised, rejected, renounced, sworn, and many other things, which I do to express myself as a human being, by a word.

While it is sometimes emphasized by the tone, or dramatized by the volume, used to convey it, the word itself is still what possesses the true power. Many if not most of our memories center around things like a baby's first word, being asked out on a date, being told we are hired, or fired, a wedding vow, someone telling us they're pregnant, a disagreement, an emergency phone call, the good-bye of a loved one, the condolences of our friends, the preaching of a sermon that speaks right to our heart as if it's for us alone, and so much more. Whether the result of it was positive or negative in my life, some specific word, which was spoken to me at a certain time, has quite often dropped anchor and tethered my soul to that memory; even, and especially, those times when I have wished that weren't so.

The Bible informs us, starting with its very first chapter, of the creative power behind a spoken word. The Scriptures pervasively teach us that a word has real and impacting power, including the power to bless or curse. Matthew 12:37 says "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned". Even Jesus Himself was also called 'The Word'! Simply because it was the most important words that I could ever teach him, I even taught my cockatiel to say "Praise God!" and he said it, then, for almost twenty years.   

An unspoken word also holds a lot of power in our lives, whether for good or bad. The silence, from a word not being spoken which is nevertheless present and palpable in the situation, still conveys that word is there, causing it to permeate our psyche as surely as if it had been spoken. Those moments can be filled with such significance and intensity that they have even been called a pregnant pause.

Being a wordsmith is very hard work, and can be extremely difficult to do well. As I begin to grapple with that daunting challenge in this new format, for me, of blogging, I have no idea how I will do with this! In creating and sharing this Blog with you, it is my hope that each of us will come to fully appreciate the remarkable power that a word has, both for us and from us. My prayer is that we are all affected by that truth, and that our words will be used to encourage, inspire, and move others, to a better place in their lives, and not a worse one.

In a word, I'm inviting you to enter in, not just to my life as it has been or to my world as I know it, but to me.

- Deb