Two Steps Forward And One Step Back

I appreciate progress. POSITIVE, progress, anyway. There are some situations in this life where progression is not a positive thing. Disease, damage, deterioration, et cetera.

I feel frustrated so often lately because I just cannot seem to get enough traction toward achieving goals that I have for myself. Even though I'm a lot more patient than I used to be (which is ironic in that I have less time left to achieve my goals, now that I am in my late 60s) and I'm able to discipline myself much better when it comes to delayed gratification than I used to be able to do, the hindrances, and obstacles, that I, continually, have to deal with, are dragging me down, mentally.

I am gratified by all the progress that I have made with so many things, and I try to remind myself of that when I start to feel helpless, and hopeless, in the face of the lingering list of things that I still need, and want, to achieve in my life. What I have accomplished is actually impressive by my standards and I need to be proud of all of that. I recall being able to tackle every single thing, on my 'To Do List', in the past, though, and in a relatively short amount of time, which is, no longer the case, in my life. There are some new limitations now that did not exist before that I'm always grappling with. Some are entirely out of my control, and others I could probably do more about, but, for various reasons, I haven't. All of this, causes me to alternate between being mad at the situations and mad at myself, for not doing more about those that I can. >sigh!< EVERY decision, we make, AFFECTS our life.

I can't control that Covid is still in high transmission, including here, although I at least contribute to it not being spread more by my self-isolation away from others which keeps me from catching it. That choice leaves me with virtually no social life though. I don't go to church services or out dancing or eat indoors at restaurants, although I did sit outside of one to eat lunch with a friend, once, a couple of years ago. I don't date, or kiss, or make love (or have an orgasm that isn't coming from my vibrator), because I am 'high risk for serious illness or death' if I catch Covid. I have only had it once, so far, but avoiding catching it again has left me with no life in a lot of ways. The irony is not lost on me, that in trying to protect my life I have in effect stopped living it. I merely exist in 'survival mode', most of the time, since Covid first covered the world with its highly transmissible potential death sentence several years ago. I caught it frighteningly easily a couple of years ago, and had it for 8 days. I couldn't taste my food, and my breathing seemed to struggle around the 6th day, which scared me, because of seeing the images of intubated patients in ICUs and refrigerated trucks acting as morgues, as well as hearing the constant sound of ambulance sirens back then because of this pandemic. Some Long Covid symptoms that I developed eventually left me, although I was stressed by my not knowing whether that would be the case, at the time. Catching Covid-- EVER!-- is clearly a crapshoot, and is a gamble that I am not willing to take, for anything, or anyone, currently in my life. For me it would be too great a sacrifice, because of a lifetime of my return on investment being so poor when I allow people into my life and close to me. No one knows, each time they catch Covid, how serious it will be, for them, until they are in the throes of it. Based on how my life has gone and the
sacrifices that I have made, in order to socialize with people, in general, and most especially for those that I have loved, what I would be risking, to expose myself to other people, is simply not worth, what that could cost me, for what it gives me. I don't just mean, health wise. I mean, in any, and even, every, way. PEOPLE, have not been worth it for me. Humans have done me much more harm than good, and because of that I don't see taking life or death risks for them to be a smart choice.

One of my personal goals is to learn to dance the tango, although now that I'm 68 I have serious doubts about my knees being able to do the steps without buckling. I even have a very specific song that I want to dance the tango to-- David Bowie's 'Let's Dance'. I realized one day when I had two tabs up on my computer that this song syncs perfectly with the tango moves! [David Bowie - Let's Dance (Official Video) - YouTube] While I like traditional tango music, also, Bowie's song just motivates me more! This style of dance is very much in-your-face for many of the steps, though, which makes it one of those high-risk behaviors I do my best to avoid altogether. I would not want my tango dance to 'go viral', in the pathogenic sense, of the word. The risk of catching Covid continually complicates my life! Sadly, I decided against pursuing learning the dance steps that I long to do, because of my trying to avoid potential missteps in my goal of protecting my health, and along with that my life. 

I have a lifelong phobia* of needles, but, terror, over the Covid pandemic, caused  me to finally be willing to take the first two Pfizer vaccines for it in 2021. The only noticeable physical reaction I had to the first one was the shot site soreness, that is typical for injections into the arm, which lasted for a few days. When I took the second shot, though, I became alarmed, because I felt so unwell from that, and it took a longer time to stop feeling those effects. It seemed like all my organs were inflamed by the vaccine-- especially my kidneys. I actually felt poisoned! Because of that, and my not knowing if the shots did anything to damage my body, in any way-- and, if they did, would that be permanent harm?-- I stopped getting Covid vaccines, ever since then; protecting myself by solely relying on almost complete social isolation, along with mask wearing as needed. I just haven't come across a good reason for me to risk it. I am a loner by nature, as well. I LIKE being alone. 

Finally having a home of my very own was amazing progress that I honestly never thought I would have in my lifetime. My finances took a hit, though, with both the expected and unexpected expenses that come with that. I can't just call a landlord and have him send the maintenance man to repair things, anymore. I have to find and hire my own contractors now, and pay them, myself, for everything they do. I don't even own a car, so I am by no means an affluent person. More than 3 years into it I still have a list of things that this house needs that will cost me thousands of dollars to do. Money that I don't even have, right now. I have to get my savings built up again, though, because I am all alone in this life, with no one to take care of me, but me (and God), and I don't have the income to do both of these things, at the same time. It has to be, one or the other. Right now, I am more concerned about getting some money saved in the bank again if only as an Emergency Fund because it is way too stressful for me knowing that there is nothing there now for any possible life event that I might face. The house does need those things done, at some point, though, and that will probably drain my bank account, again, as I start trying to accomplish all that; hopefully, sometime next year. While having a home of my very own is a huge step forward from where I was, there have been some significant setbacks, from the beginning, that have thwarted my progress.

I was a homeless veteran just a few years before God made it possible for me to own this home. This house is the greatest blessing He's EVER given me, after the great Gift of Himself, and my cockatiel baby, CeeBee, who 'flew Home to Heaven' in 2011. NO HUMAN BEING is even in THE TOP THREE BLESSINGS of my life, for me. I don't think my standards are too high, and regardless, they are what they are. Too many people, who have been in my life, have fallen short, let me down, and worst of all, damaged me, by their presence. Because, of that, I have a dim view of much of humanity, and I am very circumspect when dealing with people. 

What I have been subjected to by people here certainly hasn't helped that view, and in fact, has made the aversion even more pronounced, in me. I had to start scheduling VA telehealth mental health appointments, because of it. I have also called the VA Crisis Line at times, when I have been unable to reduce the stress from this situation, by myself. The gossip, lies, and, truly, horrible, rumors, that the clique here started, and spread, about me, has damaged my reputation and my relationships in this community. It is hard to see neighbors that I could have had good friendships with changing, toward me, because they have heard-- and apparently, believed-- these things about me. Finally having my own home, has been greatly diminished and offset by my having to live my life in the face of all the ongoing defamation of me. I even had another telehealth call about it today. 

When I told my primary care provider that I needed to be scheduled for regular mental health appointments, now, because of this situation being so depressing and distressing to me, to the point that, I became so despondent about it that I didn't know if I could survive it, at one point, and I told her just a couple of the lies that have been told about me by clique members, she was shocked by what she heard was being done to me, to the point that she became speechless. She was so stunned that I had to say to her, on the phone call, "Are you still there?" Hers was a, normal, reaction, to how I have been treated by these people, but I very rarely get that reaction from anyone here, that I have ever reached out to, about it. I even got scolded angrily by one woman here, for simply trying to tell her why her saying to me about it, "Well Deb, people will be people" was a tone deaf assessment of the seriousness of the situation. I was actually explaining to her at the time that my despair over it and the stress and strain it put me under had very nearly cost me my life, when I began to briefly consider suicide, due to  it, in May of 2023. She literally YELLED at me, and said that, 'She didn't want to hear it!' She had no trouble hearing the ugly gossip and lies, about me, though; that was clear to see. She adamantly dismissed the 'clique stuff' as simply being something that I was either, overexaggerating, or it didn't exist, at all. That was very unhelpful to me. My primary care provider's, stunned, reaction to what I've been put through by these people here was an absolutely accurate response, for the seriousness of the situation. It is comforting, to have someone acknowledge the difficulty of living surrounded by the very group of people doing this to me. I have the intense inner conflict of LOVING my home, AND the surrounding area I live in here, but feeling extremely stressed and anxious about how much my life has been altered here, by these, toxic-tongued, bitches. Since it started my first day here, by the main instigator, on my street, I have NEVER had a FAIR chance  to get to know other people here, without them being skeptical, or even wary, of me, because of the horrible and often untrue things they have heard ABOUT ME. So, even as I have gotten more settled here, I have this ongoing obstacle that is

a form of oppression, that I'm forced to deal with, in order to live here; that I try  to overcome, often unsuccessfully, because of dangerous, damaging, defamation.

This situation pervades every aspect of my life, in this, otherwise, idyllic setting.

It all originated from one bigmouth bitch neighbor on my street that did not like my setting boundaries with her because she was so intrusive so often that I had no sense of peace, or privacy, in my life-- two things that I have always needed. She is clearly a NARCISSIST-- the THIRD one, to be the bane of my existence** on this earth, after, my own mother, and my last husband. Narcissists, are, THE  MOST DAMAGING PEOPLE that I have EVER encountered-- especially when they make ME their TARGET. They are so PUNITIVE. Their GOAL is to cause you harm. It is NOT a 'fair fight', with them, AT ALL. They seek to DESTROY you if they can, and IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM that you have not done ANYTHING to them to DESERVE THAT from them. It adds INSULT to INJURY that she is also a Christian.

She and I are both in our latter years of life now, and she is even older than I am (so you would think that she would know better, at her age-- only narcissism is a pathology not an ideology), but she chose this path for our relationship. I will not ever be able to have a happy or healthy relationship with this person BECAUSE of all the shockingly cruel things that she's said about me, to our mutual neighbors.

Every day, I thank God for my finally having the perfect home for me, and I hear the sweetest bird calls in the trees outside my window. But every day I also have to deal with my anxiety, because of the things this woman has instigated against me, and I dread even taking my trash out when I need to, just because I have to walk past, not only her house, but the group of neighbors on my street that she's turned against me. It is PURE EVIL, this woman has done to me, and to my life. I have NEVER DESERVED THIS from her-- or from my mother, or my last husband, either. Narcissists don't have a rational reason, for targeting someone, and doing all they can to destroy the person's life. Something dark in their soul drives them to do it. That doesn't excuse it though. She will have to face God about it too, on Judgment Day. Below are some things that help explain what a narcissist is like. I also have a Pinterest account that has a Board I titled "Cligue Target", because of the situation that she has created for me here, and the Pins on that explain it too.

Ever notice the most toxic people.. have more people around them? Bc they are fake and full of stories of lies and gossip.. (sad that gets more attention than the truth speaker.. no one wants to hear that. They stand alone.)

"Narcissists constantly seek validation from others. They need people to praise them, admire them, and make them feel important. This need for validation is a weak point because it shows that their self-esteem is not as solid as they pretend it to be. They rely on others to feel good about themselves."

'People who are narcissistic tend to prefer associations with people that are easier for them to control.'

"Narcissists often dislike the word 'no' because it represents a direct challenge to their perceived authority and control," Dr. McGeehan says. "To a narcissist, 'no' can feel like a rejection or a denial of their importance, which can be very threatening to their ego."

A narcissist will give others misleading information about you. They will tell partial truths mixed with lies. They will sow seeds of dissension to cause doubt in the listeners in an effort to turn them against you.

The scapegoat is most often victimized in a variety of ways, and when they attempt to speak out against the victimization, they are disbelieved and called liars. In addition, they are taken through traumatizing smear campaigns to further discredit and disprove them.

Narcissists use baiting to provoke reactions from their targets. This might be a cruel or condescending comment made with the purpose of starting drama/arguments, making people feel inferior, and/or asserting control, and they will always blame the targets for reacting.

A Narcissist wants to convince you that your emotional reactions to their actions are the problem, when without their actions, you wouldn’t be having those reactions.

Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity. We've had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are. We aren't willing to engage with those who do not honor that. We will show them the door.

The main advice the victim or target of a narcissist gets is "Cut off all contact with them if you can."

https://www.pinterest.com/robinsondeborahg2280/

Here are some Pins from the "Clique Target" Board, which currently has 292 Pins. 

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Truth tellers, whistle-blowers, scapegoats and the real victims are always portrayed as 'crazy.'

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
The truth is irrelevant to toxic individuals. If they can't control you, they set out to ruin you.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Targets are usually anyone who is “different” from the organizational norm. Usually victims are competent, educated, resilient, outspoken, challenge the status quo, are more empathic or attractive and tend to be women.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
When people can't get what they want from you, they'll either cut you off, spread lies or recruit others to hate you too.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

When toxic people know they've done you wrong, they'll often become fixated with trying to destroy your reputation by spreading lies and slandering information about your private life. Smear Campaigns are a severe form of bullying.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Smear Campaigns are a control tactic.

Lana Beth Horowitz @HorowitzLana
Narcissists will talk horribly about their targets. They get to people who have never met the victim, to make sure the first thing they hear is negative. Then it spreads. It's usually that 'the victim has mental problems', this way no one believes the abuse. #SmearCampaign

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Gossip can be an insidious form of bullying or harassment. If the intent is to demean, propagate lies or half truths about people, or designed to hurt, denigrate and destroy reputations behind people's backs, then gossip has crossed a line into harassment.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Smear Campaigns can insidiously spread with no real direction or control once it starts...

Breakingfree @Breakingfreetwo
It changes things when we realize the narcissist intentionally provokes us. They actually enjoy seeing our grief. Happy, having a good time? That's when they're most likely to strike.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Character assassination and ostracization are used to sever the target's belonging to her community.

Wisdom And Skill @WisdomAndSkill

The narcissist agenda: That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That I can, just by defaming her, damage another human being beyond repair.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Just know what they are doing behind your back is also done in front of God.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

A person who doesn't defend you while someone else slanders you is not a friend.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Some people can't support you in public because of how they talk about you in private.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017

Some people will never ask for your side of the story, because the side they heard fits how they want to feel about you.

Lana Beth Horowitz @HorowitzLana

Dear abuser, A victim telling their story of your abuse doesn't ruin your reputation or destroy your "perfect life". You did that, when you chose the behavior. Just becuz you're well liked or have a "nice family" doesn't erase the evil your capable of... no matter how long ago.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
Anyone who easily believes lies about you without hearing your side of the story, was probably looking for a reason to be against you, anyway.

Diane Langberg, PhD @DianeLangberg
It dishonors victims of abuse when we are silent about their experience or pretend it did not occur or was not important.

Christine @cmd8495
People will notice the change in your attitude towards them but won't notice that it was their behavior that made you change.

Nate Postlethwait @nate_postlethwt
There are a lot of brave and kind people who have very little support. They assume it’s because they’re too much, when the reality is, it's because they’re honest. That’s not something easily digested by most people, but especially in a world where performance is key.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Fake is becoming so acceptable that people get offended when you're being real.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Don't change your authenticity for approval.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

"Be the bigger person" is BS advice at times. Your bigness is not determined by your capacity to quietly absorb bullying, degradation, or abuse.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Some people are really so delusional that they think it's disrespectful when you don't just sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect you.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Some people will vilify you so they feel better about what they did to you. God forbid they be held accountable for their BS.

Tell me no Lies Narcissists @lovewins11011
A narcissist uses your anger against you when your anger is justified due to their shit behavior. They do this to deflect accountability.

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness @AwareOfTheNarc

If you reconcile with a narcissist after they have done something horrible to you, or violated your boundaries, the abuse gets worse. They’ll punish and blame you for whatever vile thing they did and assume that you’re ok with it because you allowed them back.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
You don't have to defend yourself or argue with those who don't believe you. God saw it all...

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
I don't walk away to teach people a lesson. I walk away because I learned mine. I'd rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.

Even when I am taking two steps forward and one step back going through life,  including, at times like this, I am greatly comforted by the Presence of my Lord and knowing that HE gave me this home, and I am in His Will, as I deal with all  these things, that are so discouraging, and destructive. The poem, "Footprints", which I included here, has blessed me so much as I continue my pilgrimage***.

* phobia - "A phobia is an anxiety disorder, defined by an irrational, unrealistic, persistent and excessive fear of an object or situation. Phobias typically result in a rapid onset of fear and are usually present for more than six months. Those affected go to great lengths to avoid the situation or object, to a degree greater than the actual danger posed. If the object or situation cannot be avoided, they experience significant distress." - Wikipedia

** the bane of my existence - "The bane of my existence" is an expression that describes a person, thing, or situation that causes constant annoyance, frustration, or unhappiness. It can be used to describe something that makes life difficult or unbearable.

*** 'Pilgrimage' is often used to describe an individual's journey through life, sometimes as a general description of personal growth and exploration, sometimes, as in Christianity, outlining a particular spiritual focus or pathway which it is believed will lead to encounter with God.

Not 'Happily Ever After' But It Is 'The End'

. . . of this blog.

Christmas Eve 2023

Every Christmas in the past, I was always drawn to the light emanating from the Christmas tree, as I sat alone, in the otherwise dark room, late at night, sending my silent prayers and wishes to God for what I hoped that my future would hold. Those deep desires always had something to do with love. Coming from a family that was not warm or affectionate, and never truly finding love with anyone else, I've felt 'love-starved', my entire life. So many years passed, with no one special in my life of any kind, that those have now become decades, that I'm well aware almost equal an entire expected lifespan for a human being. I just never found a reciprocal relationship to fill the hole in my soul where a mutual love needs to be to heal my badly broken heart. That, intrinsic, human need has remained unmet.  This year, I have felt more hopeless about it happening, than any time in my life.

So, I suppose it's symbolic that, this year, I managed to take my new 6' artificial Christmas tree out of the box, assemble it, and even make an admirable attempt to make the branches look somewhat more realistic, which, I only did because of  a friend's encouragement that I do so, who said, it would bring me some "hope", but I can find no motivation in me whatsoever to put the lights or decorations on it. It is sitting unlighted and unadorned, in the corner of this very room, as I type this; mostly enveloped by the darkness rather than emanating a hopeful glow, as the only light in the house is coming from this computer screen that I'm sitting in front of as I type this. The outside of my home is just as dark, visually creating a black hole of sorts, on a street that is otherwise showcasing each neighbor's light displays for the holiday season. I can't seem to motivate to do any better. I can't muster any hope. I don't know if I am depressed, despondent, or just realistic as  I acknowledge to myself and now to you here that, at this point, I don't think my life is suddenly going to become more of what I've always needed or longed for it to be, since it never has before in all this time, even though I've prayed a lifetime of prayers about that very thing finally happening for me. Why try? It is what it is.

There seems to be a permanent disconnect, between the desires of my heart and how my life actually goes. I simply cannot believe that I will ever have a, 'happily ever after', at this point. No prayer that I've ever prayed, nothing I've ever done, has helped the situation, or made this much-needed miracle ever happen for me.

I don't know why God made me and put me on this earth but it just doesn't seem to have anything to do with my loving and being loved by someone special. Satan seems to have won, by blocking any real love that might have ever come my way, otherwise. I'm resigned to it, at this point. I really have lost all hope that Disney's strongly implied promise, of 'happily ever after', that every little girl seems to buy into from a very young age, has any part whatsoever in my destiny. I just started to tear up as I began to type this next statement: I feel like completely 'damaged goods', that is just not lovable. As painful and distressing as that is, I can't 'fix' it, because I've tried, all I know to do about it, over the course of my lifetime. When it is all said and done, God created me, to be, uniquely, me, and I have to be true to that-- who, and what, that is-- even though, it seems to make me less lovable.

I am a survivor and, so far, I have managed to find some way to keep putting one foot in front of the other, continuing my pilgrimage on this planet. I'm hoping that something about me will bring God glory, since I was His idea. As far as my hopes and dreams, that are smashed to smithereens by all the blows they have suffered over the years, it is simply a fact that, most of my life is behind me now, because I'll be 68 years old, this coming February. It feels too late, and I feel too tired, for 'special', to happen, for me, now. I'd love to be proved wrong about that, though.

I live with both my faults and my qualities 24/7, and all things considered I really like me, even though, who, and what, that is doesn't seem to win me 'the popular vote', in situations where people prefer to be more insincere and superficial. I am far more honest than most people, which makes them uncomfortable, but I don't want to be fake to be befriended. I'm a very genuine-- what you see, is what you get-- person. I am also very funny, love to laugh, and dance around, and sing out loud. I love to feel free to be me, whether I am alone or with others. Even though I have genuine compassion I finally learned that I need to set boundaries because other people drained me dry due to my giving nature to the point of total burnout for me. I had to realize that the one person I needed to advocate for, and nurture, was myself, which I was totally neglecting, while thinking that someone sometime would at least finally reciprocate all the loving care that I gave them, which never happened. I love so selflessly and deeply, when I love, that I have to try to guard my heart because people with wrong motives sense or see that about me and will exploit it for their own purposes that usually have nothing to do with caring about me in return. I barely survived the experience the last time I loved someone, and  I definitely don't want to risk that again, with them, or with anyone like them. If I don't match the description I just gave of myself, to people interacting with me, it is because I have walls up protecting myself due to either not knowing or trusting them. I usually start out giving people the benefit of the doubt, showing them my friendly, funny, nature, but if I see that they don't respect or value that in me I go behind my wall of cool reserve or cordial aloofness; and in the case of people who mistreat me in some way, I avoid them, all I can, and when I can't do that, I stay shut down as completely as possible around them in order to try to protect myself.

When I was beginning this blog, almost 5 years ago, now, I had to give it a title. I finally decided on what I did (Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections) because I had felt, at the time, that even though I have gone through some really difficult things, I would, ultimately, triumph over these things at some point (whether that was due to a miracle, or perhaps by my sheer determination), eventually coming out of the long dark night of the soul into the light and life that I have always longed for and needed. However, at this point I not only do not feel like I have been 'ascending' no matter how hard I've tried, but I feel like I haven't even ever really gotten off the ground despite still managing to 'crash and burn'. I just don't have the stamina anymore to keep enduring so much in life that is truly discouraging to me and still manage to find optimism about the ultimate outcome.

I am tired. I am damaged. I am broken in a way that feels 'beyond repair', at this point. The naivete of youth wore off decades ago. There's just nothing left, in me, that believes things will ever get any better. A lot of people live lives without love. I had hoped against hope that I would not be one of those, but the reality is that,  I have been for whatever reason. Destiny? A curse? I marvel at how some people seem to lead such charmed lives in comparison to my own with almost all of their dreams coming true for them. I would not even know how to act, if that had ever happened for me, because I have almost no experience with that, in my own life.

On Christmas Day, I set my stack of tissues beside me to wipe my runny nose if I cried during the Hallmark holiday movies that I watched back-to-back all day long as I sat on the sofa in my pajamas and robe, but I never did cry, once, that whole day. I had cried at some point during almost every romantic movie that I watched all season, up until that point. I just felt numb now. Like love that culminated in a 'happily ever after' was some concept that had nothing at all to do with me or my life. I long ago started living my life in 'the bachelor(ette) mode' because of being by myself all these years with no one to do things for or to impress, so my choice for Christmas dinner may sound somewhat elegant but it was far from it. I looked in the freezer, and the pantry, when I got hungry, before deciding to have, salmon and Asian Brussels sprouts. This meal wasn't plated in a festive holiday pairing for my dining pleasure, though. It was actually a small pouch of flaked fish, that I ate right out of the package that it came in after I tore the top off, and frozen sprouts from Walmart with soy sauce poured over them, that I ate right from the pan that I cooked them in. Even the gingerbread that I had for dessert was from a box and I mixed it up right in the pan I baked it in to avoid dirtying a bowl. All the things I had bought to bake homemade treats, like I used to, are still sitting in the pantry. I had also bought all the ingredients to make a brand-new recipe for an entree I'd seen online, which I still have because I just wasn't motivated to make it after all. Considering the way that I have felt for a while now I was just proud of myself for even getting up and being willing to deal with a new day at all, because I stopped believing, there is ever going to be one in which my dreams will finally come true. 

I don't make 'New Year's Resolutions' anymore, because, as is the case with most people, those, don't seem to last, beyond mid-February. I have realized, however, that for me to have any real chance of finding more happiness than I have, so far, in my life, I have to do something different. That is one of the main reasons that I am not going to continue writing this blog. This, will be my last post. I have sat in front of this (now, very, old, and tired) desktop computer for nearly 5 years, now, spending a lot of hours typing these, often quite long, posts, and crying a lot, as I relive to recount all these things in my life that have contributed to my 'dark night of the soul'. This, final, post will be the 90th one that I have toiled, and teared up, over, for this blog. Most of these blog posts have not been easy for me to write for various reasons, but this month's is even more difficult, because it will be my very last one, so I have to decide, what I still need to say, or not say, here. It is now or never, for that. I just don't think it is realistic for me to keep writing this blog that by its very title indicates that I think I will eventually have a 'happily ever after' at some point, when, I no longer think that I will. I'm just hoping I can survive, now.

It would really be amazing, though, if I changed how I live my life and did end up finding real love finally, and I owe it to myself to make an effort to do that, rather than not even try. Surely, God put at least one person on the planet that is meant to be with me. They won't come, knocking on my door, so I have to go find them.

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I really need for so many things to be different, in my life. It's become all too obvious to me that unless or until I do things differently, I will continue getting the same results, and not have any hope, that these aspects of my life can ever get any better than they have been. I really feel the impact of every day being a gift to me, now that I'm a senior citizen. I also feel that a large majority of the days of my life that are already spent and gone have been wasted by me while I, passively, waited, and prayed, and hoped against hope that things would finally fall into place. That did not happen, so I need to spend my time and energy doing all I can to find-- and live-- the life I have always dreamed of rather than sitting here alone in front of this computer writing about why I don't have it. After all, it isn't just going to come to me while I sit here, isolated and unfulfilled.  I have had almost 5 years of writing this blog to figure that out. I am not getting what I need or want this way. I'm in a downward spiral, that I need to pull out of.

I started writing this blog in February of 2019. I had never blogged before. It was started for only one reason-- my counselor at the VA (I'm a veteran) told me that  I should write down these stories from my life so I could process them, and make peace with them, as much as possible. She didn't specify what way to write them. I had done a lot of journaling in notebooks with a pen prior to that, which had not seemed to help me 'make peace with things' very much, if at all. All I had to show for that was a stack of old notebooks, and writer's cramp. Typing on a keyboard is so much easier, so I began to pray, about whether I should start writing a blog, to do as my counselor had advised me. I told God that if I did this, I was going to be honest about everything, because, otherwise, it would not really resolve anything. The Bible says, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."  (John 8:32) I believe that it honors God when we are truthful about things. He IS Truth.

When I felt like God was saying to write it, I created this blog and gave the VA the link to it for my counselor to be able to access it. Then, I sat at this very keyboard that has served me well in writing all these posts and that now has keys that stick as I type, and I started pouring out my broken heart about all the disappointment, damage, and despair, that I have been so deeply affected by, throughout my life. I wrote about the things that weren't the happier moments, because those were the ones that I needed to (try to) come to terms with. Some were really hard to write. Alot of tears fell as I wrote about those things, and I even had anxiety attacks as I wrote about some of the things that have traumatized me. The portrait of me, and my life, that they painted, was not a pretty picture, for so many reasons, including because of my own sin, and shortcomings. It took alot for me to be as transparent as I have been in these posts. I cannot even begin to calculate how many hours of my life I have sat here in front of this computer screen typing all these blog posts. My hope is that, in some way or other, what I have shared here will help others, in their lives, whether that is because they have been through similar things or other reasons. When we can turn our pain into purpose, it can help us, and others, heal.

I have often turned some of my pain into poems, to try to purge it from my heart. I wrote a lot of them about, love, longing, and heartbreak. I said that I would put more of them in my blog along the way, so I am including the ones below to fulfill that promise, since this is my last post. I don't know the dates that I wrote them.

Memories On My Mind  

I don't wanna have him on my mind.

He's gone but my brain just hits rewind.

It makes me relive my broken heart,

From the end all the way back to the start.

It has been really hard to take.

I keep on seeing my mistakes.

I wish it was different but it's not.

This broken heart is all I've got.

How can I make these memories go?

There must be some way that I don't know.

It hurts to remember all that pain.

I don't want to feel all that again.

He was my Heaven and my Hell.

There's really nothing more to tell.

So, what makes these memories haunt my soul?

Why can't I seem to get control?

He's gone but in my mind I see,

Him standing here in front of me.

The Heart Whisperer

haiku

He was the heart whisperer,

Taming my wild heart,

Like no one else had or could.

It's All In Your Mind

Who gets to decide, if what you feel,

Is just a crush, or something real?

I've been through that, and it's not fun.

They start a fire, and then they run.

They use their head to judge my heart,

When it is, clearly, torn apart.

They twist the tale, and say a lot,

To make it seem, like it was not,

A special thing, if just for me,

Because there never was a 'we'.

Making sure, they take no blame,

Because for them, it was a game.

They make the truth be redefined.

 When it's not in their heart,

"It's all In your mind."

Feeling The Loss

free verse

I've lost more than I ever had.

Got my heart broke without ever being loved.

Sometimes it really seems like,

 I get none of the good and all of the bad.

I wish my heart had never cared.

I can't control the things it feels.

It holds me prisoner sometimes,

When I want to be free of the pain.

It can be a real bully,

Stopping my smile and stealing my joy,

Leaving me bleeding and broken in spirit,

Because of its unceasing blows.

Why can't my heart be my friend,

Instead of an enemy that tells me such lies?

It can be so untrustworthy and cruel.

I don't ever want to love again,

Unless their heart is sharing the risk, as well.

One-way love is no love at all.

Just another way to have a heartbreak.

Who needs that? Not me, for sure,

But my sadistic heart set me up to fall,

And I fell so hard that,

I shattered into a million pieces

That all still believed the love was right, and real.

The heart can be a very convincing liar.

All it brought me was the loss of someone,

That I never even had.

Hateful heart, hurting me,

When that was the last thing that I needed.

Heart Of Gold 

You gotta love 'heart of gold' people.

They make this cruel world safe,

For those of us with broken hearts

To come out of our dark place,

To the light of their love,

They kindly share with us,

While we find our way again,

And slowly learn to trust.

God bless all the 'heart of gold' people.

I'm grateful to them all,

For taking time to be for me,

A soft place I can fall.

I would not have made it

This far if not for them.

They listen without judgement,

And try to understand.

They really are my heroes,

Helping me get through,

The things that nearly crushed me,

That this world has put me through.

This life is not easy. Everyone has their share of heartache and unmet needs they have to deal with; at least, at some point in their lives. I hoped that my mistakes and failures, that I described in these posts, along with all the other things that I spoke of here, would help someone else to avoid the brokenness in their own life.  I wondered what my readers' lives were like, and I felt like they (I just teared up, typing this sentence) were newfound friends, that had come alongside me, on my journey. I knew they could judge me-- even harshly, for some of the things that I shared here; but I also knew that so many of us long for someone to just be 'real' in this world. So few people seem to be comfortable telling the truth! Truth, is the thing that never really goes away, so whether it is comfortable, or uncomfortable, to live with, it's factual, it's real, it's solid, and it's never-changing. It doesn't shift like it feels when we are standing on sand, so it makes a strong foundation. I can cope with it better than I can with lies and 'spin doctoring', and manipulation and fake stuff. For me to feel secure with a person, or in a place, I have to know, who people really are and what I am actually dealing with. It is anxiety-producing and even excruciating, to not have any idea, about these things. It torments my soul.

I sat here reading through a few of my posts, late last night, that some unknown reader had chosen, from almost 90 posts, to read, in the last couple of days. The ones they selected, were mostly about my describing things not working out with men in my life and how I had been mistreated by men. Some were messy from a formatting perspective (which I was too tired to correct, last night, but have done so now), and some were 'messy' due to all the emotions those posts expressed. I read those old posts, with somewhat fresh eyes, because they were, mostly, from 2019, the first year, I started writing this blog, and one post was from a couple of years ago. They were all very long posts, so I wondered how much of that deluge of my descriptions the reader had stuck with and why they were so curious about those past parts of my life. Two of them were about my second husband Jim, who I'd referred to as 'the one man that I would love forever' until one other man that I encountered came along, and changed that, by making it two men, I've felt that way about, in my entire life, as he left Jim in his dust, because, he was the better man, of the two. No one else had ever been able to do that, to my heart, in all 40 years, since I gave Jim my heart and then he broke it so badly. So, naturally I did not think that anyone ever could do that, so I didn't see that coming. Of course, I got my heart broken-- the worst I ever have, by far-- but I learned, how deeply, I could actually care about someone, and that was a revelation to me about myself. I'd never felt anything like that, before, or even anything close to it. Even for Jim.

As I read about my relationship with Jim, last night, I saw it so differently, now. I was only 24 when I met him, and he was over a year younger than me, I think. I had expected him to be more of a man, when it was clear he was still so much of  a boy. More than that, though, as I read, I saw how broken I was even back then and I wondered how anyone that damaged could, or would, ever be loved by any man. Jim did do some really wonderful things for me that brought me some deep and lasting healing. The sexual healing that he gifted me with opened up options, for my future, that I likely would not have had without that relationship with him.  Because of his skill in the sack, I went from being, sexually shut down, from rape trauma, to 'running hot', in my sexuality. He connected me to that part of myself. 

If a woman is lucky enough to find a truly talented man, sexually speaking, like I did, with Jim, his being a great lover will awaken that, dormant, sexual, part of a woman, to herself, and when that happens, she can never go back again, to what is generally settled for, as 'regular sex' with a man. The 'Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am', quick stuff, selfishly done, and over with, by a man, in mere minutes. It  is impossible to settle for that once you know, how great, the difference is, being in bed with a man who totally turns you on, and takes you to a place of pleasure beyond anything you could conceive before. The lack, of sexual skill, that far too many men never bother to improve on, can't 'turn the ignition on and rev up the engine' in a woman's body and soul before it's over, which is why a lot of women do not like, and therefore avoid, sex. It is not fun, or fulfilling, for them! Sadly, if that's all they have ever known with a man, they don't even realize that the men have never taken them to the place of bliss that, their body is capable of feeling.

I'm forever grateful to Jim, for that one thing alone. Many women never get that.

Even so, I would never want him back because I still vividly remember how badly he treated me when we weren't having sex with one another and how he made it clear to me that everyone else in his life always mattered more to him than I did.

It's clear that I need a man whom I haven't met yet, and I'm hoping the changes that I plan to make in my life will lead to me meeting someone that will prove, to me, that they respect me and value me, which, neither, of the other two men did, based on how badly they treated me, at times. No woman wants a man who does not respect her and isn't honest with her. I know I don't. I underlined part of this: 

Sometimes taking care of the self means we have to let go of relationships that are causing us harm, pain, frustration, and spiritual inflammation.​​​​​​​​ When it comes to letting go, it helps to consciously accept that none of us ever let go because we want to. Letting go is always painful. We let go because the person we trusted has acted in a way that has caused us to understand that the trust we once had is gone. We let go because we understand that the person we care for does not value who we are. We let go because, no matter how many times we have tried to resolve an issue, the issue never gets resolved. We let go because the relationship and communication between us and the other is too painful--it is unbalanced--one-sided--and or abusive.​​​​​​​​ - Lisa A. Romano, Breakthrough Life Coach

I don't know if I will ever, truly, be loved, by anyone, but I am at least open to the possibility. By the time I read those blog posts, last night, I saw myself as just too damaged to ever be loved, though. (I felt tears in my eyes, just typing that.) So, I think I may be on the right track by simply hoping to find a good lover with sex as the focus, not love. Even that will be a challenge for me to find, though. In my age group there is a much bigger chance that a man will have a health condition that's affecting his ability to function sexually, such as, erectile dysfunction, and prostate trouble. I don't want a man to have to take a pill, to get hard, for me. I have been

celibate for so many years now that, I have no idea how my body will be, sexually speaking, as a, post-menopausal woman. I only have my vibrator use to indicate I still have a very strong sexual desire but I don't know how I would do with a man.

I am still open to meeting men, but I think that I want it to stay lighthearted, and fun, and not turn into something that can put me through the HELL of heartbreak, again. I love to laugh! I have a good sense of humor, but I am also a very serious person, so it is actually not that easy to get me to laugh. The Bible even says that "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22).  I truly believe that, God prescribes laughter, and joy, for us to be our healthiest, and happiest. That is what I long for. Lots of laughter (and sex; but, hopefully, not at the same time)! I want to have some fun at this point in my life, because my life hasn't been alot of fun overall. It really is now or never for me to have happiness in my life. I am still not sure how to find it though, and it hasn't exactly found me. Below is something that I posted online about a year ago that is an example of my love of writing and my sense of humor. This guy posted the following with the picture of the cats. . . .

Album cover. Go …

I love captioning photos! The 'creative writer' in me comes out to play! So, I wrote the following captions, for the 'album cover' photograph of the cats group. The top line of each set would be the name of the band of cats, and the lower is the album title, for each set. I referenced the photo directly, to match the mood. This kind of thing is so much fun for me! I love accessing my creative expression. It flexes me.

Deb Robinson

December 8, 2022

Hairball Hellions

Coming For Your Catnip

Mean Mousers

The Last Of Nine Lives

Stray Cats

I Ain't Yo Pet

Beantoes Band

I Ain't No Pussy

Feral Felines

Keep Your Fleas To Yourself

Someone that can make me laugh is the number one thing that I need in a man to live as joyfully as possible regardless of whatever unknowns life may have in store for me. Jim, my first real love, did not make me laugh, but I did not realize at that young age how important that special attribute is in a man. I know it now, though, because, the only other man I have ever really loved, did make me laugh-- often-- and it was a wonderful thing, that I truly appreciated, about him, and have missed a lot. However, he was very disrespectful toward me, a liar at times and extremely manipulative, which are all huge turn offs to me, in a person, so I wouldn't be able to ever trust him, and wouldn't want somebody like that in my life, even if I could.

 

As silly as it may sound, a hairy chest, would be the second most important thing, to me, about a man. Bald chests on males looks like boys not men, to me. A hairy chest on a man turns me on in very primal ways, that I can't even articulate here, because it would start to sound more like I was writing porn! It is not possible, for me, to be attracted to a man that's slick-chested. A hairy chest on a man is one of the main attributes of the male body which emphasizes the absolute asset of their having masculinity in comparison to my femininity. It's contrast. Vive la différence!

 

That being said, though, a man might have other things about him which are deal breakers. As an example, I love watching a lot of the videos, online, of John Noble (who goes by Jdaddy74) dancing, but besides the fact that he is a happily married family man, I have seen his camo clothes, for hunting, and the animal heads hung on the walls behind him, in those same videos, and all those things would prevent me from ever having an actual relationship with him if it were even possible to do.

Nobody is perfect, including me, but for a man to be, the perfect one for me, they have to have some specific traits and not have certain other ones. Otherwise, they may be one of several men, that I fantasize about, sexually, when I am getting off with my vibrator to release the pent-up tension in my body from being celibate for so long, but I would never actually be with them in real life, even if that were ever possible. Women can have carnal appetites just like men do and just want orgasm for the pure pleasure of experiencing that ecstatic throbbing sensation that allows me to fall asleep with a gratified giggle and a big smile on my face! We are sexual creatures, just like men are, only we are far more often shortchanged in the sack, by inadequate male partners who are more focused on what they can get from us than what they can do for us, as their lovers. That is why, I realize that, I may be better off having sex with my toys, than being disappointed by a man, in my bed. 

I'm putting this out there into the Universe, to try to activate the law of attraction:

My perfect man would have a combination of attributes from both of the men that I have deeply loved, and some of the characteristics of 'Jdaddy74'. He would have to be free-spirited enough to enjoy suddenly breaking into a dance and/or a song, on his own or with me, and accept that I frequently do this myself. He would have to have a ready smile a lot of the time, and medium build; not thin, and definitely not fat. I want a man to be taller than me, because I am 5'9" and 6' in high heels but I like feeling smaller than and protected by a man. I would like for him to not care what other people think of him if he is at peace with who and what he is. He has to be a nonsmoker. I want someone who, doesn't allow the opinions of others to sway what he thinks about and feels for me. I want him to know his own mind, and heart, and live true, to those things. I want a man who is intelligent, that can comprehend, and converse about, a lot, of things, like Jim was. I don't want some sports fanatic that watches games all the time. I want a man who loves the beach like me. I definitely don't want a narcissist or abuser, who charms me then harms me as soon as they see that they have totally captured my heart. That is so cruel.

I have had enough experiences with men, by now, to know what I want and need, and don't want and need, in a romantic partner. I want a man who is protective of my privacy, and isn't telling people things that are none of their business and that are personal to me. I hate being lied to, and gossiped about. It angers me deeply, and is a total turn off. I want to be hugged and held and kissed and shown lots of physical affection. I want us to give one another massages. I want a man that will defend, and protect, me, not criticize or mistreat me. I want a man that will never humiliate me, either in private or in public; especially, to save face, for himself, at my expense. I want a man who will give me butterflies, in my stomach, and make my knees weak when I think of him, or he touches me. I want him to be my hero!

He has to be honest, especially with me. He needs to communicate with me about anything and everything. I have to be able to trust him. He should show me, I am his priority, over other people, if we are a couple. I need a man to be, the man, in the relationship, and appreciate that I am his woman. A manly man who is strong but gentle. That combination is devastatingly hot, to me. I don't like facial hair on a man. I want a man who loves staying home and cuddling together and enjoying the simple pleasures of private time, not a party animal, or a social butterfly, that always wants to go out and party and be the center of attention, like Jim was. Jim felt restless, and unhappy, and unfulfilled, by staying home but I love to be home!

I need a man who understands I am a night person, and that I always have been, and always will be, because that affects my daily routine, and the hours that I am available and unavailable, to him. A man who is a good, safe, driver; and protects me from contagious viruses and such because he knows I am high risk for serious complications if I catch those things and he wants to keep me safe all that he can.

I've learned, sometimes the hard way, by what I've gone through with men in my relationships with them, what I want and need, and don't want or need, in a man. That information is helpful, to me, because, if I ever do meet him, I will recognize him, because of who and what he is, and isn't. Neither one, of the two men that I have truly, deeply, loved in my life were right for me, for a variety of reasons. But they were, and always will be, very special to me, for how, wonderful, they were, in all the ways that they were, apart from their obvious faults, and shortcomings, some of which, caused them to hurt me deeply, and even break my heart. People aren't perfect. We all, hurt each other. Sometimes, without even meaning to, and sometimes, even intentionally. Despite, all of that, I do hope that, somewhere on this planet is my person, that God made just for me, to love and be loved by, and that we will finally find one another, because time is getting short. When it works, there is nothing better, on this earth, than love! It makes all of the mundane and monotonous things about life seem so much more worthwhile too. Love is magic!

So, starting now, I am going to spend more time out and about, than I have been while writing this blog the last several years. I will be pursuing my other interests and hobbies, most of which I have neglected, for far too long, now. I will be going for more walks, spending more time in Nature. Maybe, I will even meet someone, but even if I don't it will be healthier for me than sitting here not getting fresh air or exercise. Studies say that being inactive damages our health, and shortens our lifespan. I don't want to do either of those things. I have this, one, life and I want to live it, as fully as possible. Hopefully at some point I will have better outcomes.

   

Thank you, every single one of you, for being readers of my blog, especially those of you who have been faithful readers for these many years now. It feels like you joined me on my journey and walked alongside me through some dark days. I so appreciate you, and I am truly, deeply, humbled that you felt that my words were worth your time to read. I hope that some of them gave you something to ponder about your own life. We are each on a pilgrimage, that is uniquely our own, while still being similar to every other solitary soul, in the great mass of humanity, that is happy, and hopeful, and hurting at various times, as we each try to live our life. It seems fitting, to me, to include, my very first blog post, below, in this final one.

The Remarkable Power That A Word Has

[This is my very first Blog. I feel that I have worthwhile words to say here. Through my blogging I may also discover whether others of you, in this cyber space, share that opinion with me. I would truly appreciate your input and interaction here, because, of all the things that words are, I believe that their being a bridge between us is surely one of the most important ones. - Deb]

In thinking back over a wide variety of instances throughout my own life, I find it remarkable that a single word used, or left unused yet still greatly affecting the outcome, either at or about those times, has so much power! Power to transform, or tear down. Power to heal or hurt. Power to unite or isolate. POWER.

Words are the foundational currency of our relationships with one another. The words of others have deeply and even permanently affected my life in many ways. I have warmed to a word of kindness. I have withdrawn when a word is abusive. I have embraced when a word is loving. I have winced, as if punched in the gut, when a word was cruel, and I didn't need that. I have wept, while being comforted, by a word that was warm, when I did need that. I, also, have affirmed, encouraged, entertained, pledged, promised, rejected, renounced, sworn, and many other things, which I do to express myself as a human being, by a word.

While it is sometimes emphasized by the tone, or dramatized by the volume, used to convey it, the word itself is still what possesses the true power. Many if not most of our memories center around things like a baby's first word, being asked out on a date, being told we are hired, or fired, a wedding vow, someone telling us they're pregnant, a disagreement, an emergency phone call, the good-bye of a loved one, the condolences of our friends, the preaching of a sermon that speaks right to our heart as if it's for us alone, and so much more. Whether the result of it was positive or negative in my life, some specific word, which was spoken to me at a certain time, has quite often dropped anchor and tethered my soul to that memory; even, and especially, those times when I have wished that weren't so.

The Bible informs us, starting with its very first chapter, of the creative power behind a spoken word. The Scriptures pervasively teach us that a word has real and impacting power, including the power to bless or curse. Matthew 12:37 says "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned". Even Jesus Himself was also called 'The Word'! Simply because it was the most important words that I could ever teach him, I even taught my cockatiel to say "Praise God!" and he said it, then, for almost twenty years.   

An unspoken word also holds a lot of power in our lives, whether for good or bad. The silence, from a word not being spoken which is nevertheless present and palpable in the situation, still conveys that word is there, causing it to permeate our psyche as surely as if it had been spoken. Those moments can be filled with such significance and intensity that they have even been called a pregnant pause.

Being a wordsmith is very hard work, and can be extremely difficult to do well. As I begin to grapple with that daunting challenge in this new format, for me, of blogging, I have no idea how I will do with this! In creating and sharing this Blog with you, it is my hope that each of us will come to fully appreciate the remarkable power that a word has, both for us and from us. My prayer is that we are all affected by that truth, and that our words will be used to encourage, inspire, and move others, to a better place in their lives, and not a worse one.

In a word, I'm inviting you to enter in, not just to my life as it has been or to my world as I know it, but to me.

- Deb