It Is What It Is: This Is My Final Blog Post

This is my final blog post. There are several reasons for this, including that I have concluded over the course of the six years that I have written these posts that the 'ascent' which I have hoped for, and strived for, could very likely never happen. At least, not to the extent that would even make it something worth writing about. I started this blog in 2019, and this is my 101st post. That number represents a lot of hours of soul searching, dark confessions, slim hopes and lots of tears from the heartbreak that I've grappled with and am trying to heal from, for most of my life.

Many of you may recall my struggling with the decision about whether to continue to blog, and if so, how often. My reasons for that ranged from my having physical pain from carpal tunnel type symptoms, when I was originally attempting to write very lengthy, detailed, posts, every week, to my moving, to where I am now, and feeling frustrated, because I feel that I can't write openly about much of what I'm experiencing now, because it is my present circumstances, rather than past ones, that the majority of my posts are about. There are several reasons that I feel that I can't write more details about a lot of people and things affecting me here, from my own personal safety to the fact that these blog posts are read by people in 70 countries now, and the people who are in my life, in, any, way-- whether they are affecting my life in good or bad ways-- have a reasonable expectation to live their own lives without things being said about them on the internet 'for all the world to see'. Believe me, the temptation, at times, for me to do a 'Tell All' about, some, of these people, was real. Especially, when they have pissed me off! But, I didn't use this blog to do that, even though some of them may feel that I did at times. I told the truth about my own life, which includes, anything, and anyone, in my life, that has had an impact on it in any meaningful or lasting way. I was very honest about what I shared here, even when it revealed some ugly truth about me and things I have done which, I wish, I could undo. Because of that candor, this blog is able to describe who I am, for better and for worse, and my posts can answer almost any question that someone has about me of any importance. It really is, my life story, up until it ends with this post. Whatever does or doesn't happen, to and for me, in the future, will never be revealed here, now. Not even significant developments in my life, should those ever occur. Given, my past, my age, and my situation I must conclude at this point that, the odds of my dreams coming true aren't in my favor.

                                               

Why am I deciding to definitely stop writing this now? I have already shared some of the reasons that I have considered doing this, in my previous posts, but there's one overarching reason that was the deciding factor for me, after my ambivalence about ending my blog. It goes all the way back to what I chose to call my blog, in 2019, as I began this journaling journey: "Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections". I just got tears in my eyes typing that, because it hints at a feeling of optimism, a determination, in my mindset, and, maybe, just, deep, faith-- that I still had, back then-- that, somehow, God would make a way, where there seemed to be no way, or perhaps a miracle would be imparted to me by the Universe, which would finally fulfill the deepest desires of my very human heart. I am actually a realist at my core, though, and I just don't see that ever happening.

I am battle-scarred and very burned out, but I have some sense of pride that I've at least 'survived' everything that I've been through, in my life, however torn and tattered I am by it all. The dark night of the soul has surely taken a toll on me but what has led to my decision to stop blogging about my life is my acknowledgment that, even the best of what has happened to and for me can't be considered to be any significant 'ascent' that would deliver me out of the dark, and into the light of all the love and laughter that I have dreamed about, and prayed for, for so long. I do tell God that, I know, He is good to me, in so many ways, for which I am truly, deeply, grateful. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and even though I will spend it alone, by choice-- given the other available alternatives, which were not anything that's particularly appealing to me-- because of the Covid virus, among other things-- I am well aware that, I am so blessed, in so many ways. It is my being deprived of or denied a fulfilling romantic relationship that gets me down, the most, though. I am a passionate person (and frankly, a very 'horny' one), so being celibate for 26 years, and counting, at this point, has been extremely frustrating, and unfulfilling, for me. I make regular use of my vibrators, and they serve me very well. But I've wanted to do things, with a man, that I just can't do with a machine. That is what I'm missing most, in my life. Just because the hair turns gray on the outside does not mean there is any diminishing of, 'the fire in the furnace', within, so to speak!

My sense of humor, even about disappointments and deprivations, is what carries me through, many times, when I have no alternative but to laugh or cry, so I will share some of that with you regarding this otherwise hopeless-seeming situation.  I wrote about John Noble, AKA 'JDaddy74' online, in a previous post. Whenever I watch one of his videos-- especially, the ones with his shirt off-- it just makes me smile. (I love a hairy chest on a man!) His facial features don't appeal to me, but  I put a photo of him in a black hat and no shirt on my large desktop computer as my lock screen background. So, every day, I smile to myself, because while I am turning on my computer, it is TURNING ME ON, too! (The photo is below.) It gets even better, though! I ALSO, made this photo the lock screen background for my smartphone, so every time I need to unlock my phone, I have to stroke his body somewhere, with my finger, to do that. The available 'choices' are ALL delightful, and delicious, for me! Umm, umm, UMM! (I am SMILING, really BIG, right now!)

    

 John Noble, AKA JDaddy74 

Some sombersome situations have happened, though, which are things that I can find nothing funny about, at all. This past Saturday, I got an email from my sister, saying that Dad died, on September 10th of this year. If you read my posts about him, and our relationship, then you will know that, I was No Contact with him, for many years, and I vowed that I would not attend his funeral when he didn't allow me to be at my brother Mike's funeral after he committed suicide by gun. I was in Omaha, Nebraska and wasn't to blame in any way for Mike's death in Greensboro, North Carolina. My mother, sent me, ONE, very small, color, photo, of my brother, lying in his casket. That was all my family shared with me, in the whole situation, and there was absolutely no reason, for it. I have no issue, whatsoever, with Pam not telling me about Dad's death sooner. I was fine with that. I felt nothing, about his passing, because he really never engaged in a relationship with me even while I spent 18 years growing up in his house. He spent so much time watching TV. He would glare at me scornfully, or snap at me angrily, if I dared, to interrupt that, in any way. He was a fearsome figure in the household, that had a chilling effect. We all make choices in life, and those have consequences. Both my parents are gone, now, but they were already long gone from my life for years due to their behavior toward me causing me to go No Contact. My mother was actually a narcissist and my dad was an absentee father-- even when, he was in the same house with me. Neither of them were affirming or affectionate toward me. These people were not what I would call a 'loving' family. It wasn't a warm, nurturing, safe-feeling home.

It could be argued that they showed love in their own way but it was often hurtful and harmful, and I finally went No Contact, to try, to heal, from the damage, and destructiveness, of how they treated me. NO love, can be better than BAD love. I did what I had to do, to survive the dysfunction in that family. I wish, it had been different-- better-- for all of us. My sister Pam, who was the youngest member of my family of origin, once told me that, after the rest of us were grown and gone, she had to intervene to break up physical fights between our parents. How awful for her! When I was very little, their fights escalated into, physical, violence also, which was genuinely terrifying to me as a small child that depended on these two grownups for my very survival; traumatizing me in ways I never recovered from. My son, Jay, once chastised me that I 'made my mother cry', though. My mother and father made sure to undermine my relationship with my son which led to my heartbreaking decision to transfer his custody to his father and stepmother, to be raised by them, the rest of the way, after I had been the only one caring for him, 24/7, after he was born, while his dad was too busy socializing to bother with it. I contacted my son after he was grown, and HE made ME cry, by disrespecting me!

I chose to be SELFLESS, in order to give him the BEST possible life he could have. I had never even wanted to have any kids because I was so afraid that the family dysfunction would cause my relationship with any kids of my own to become toxic as well. Ironically, that is exactly what happened, anyway, due to the way that my family portrayed me. As my son grew up, he heard that, I was the black sheep, of the family (their SCAPEGOAT, actually, to keep any focus off THEIR OWN sins). He bought into it, and after he and I had remained close for several years of his early childhood, he ultimately cut off his relationship with me for no reason that he ever gave me, when he was in his early 20s. I reached out to him when he was around 38 years old, but he clearly did not want a relationship with me, so I let it go. But, I messaged him, again, this year, just to send my condolences, when I saw online that his stepmother, who had raised him with his father, had passed away, in May of this year. I sent a sympathy card to Jim, as well, but, neither one of them ever acknowledged, or responded to, that. I wrote something on my Facebook account about Linnea when she passed though that shows who I am and MY HEART about it. I'm copying & pasting that below, for you to see. This is what I said about her:

"Deborah Robinson

June 8

I came across a post indicating that my son's stepmother passed away, less than a month ago.

Linnea was without a doubt THE BEST HUMAN BEING that I have EVER KNOWN in my life!

She was technically his stepmother because I gave birth to my son, but I transferred his custody to his father, my ex-husband, Jim Carlin, after telling him that I REALLY LIKED HER, and that I would give him custody of our son Jay IF HE MARRIED LINNEA. They married soon after.

I JUST KNEW that SHE was SOMEONE SPECIAL, and would be a great influence on both Jim and our baby boy Jay. It was the best possible resolution of a bad situation. (Jim had only married me because I unexpectedly became pregnant, which neither of us had planned on, or really wanted.)

While I was in the process of divorcing Jim, I suggested that he spend his evenings teaching ballroom dance instead of just going out. He was a career Air Force officer at the time, but I had seen a job ad in the paper for Ballroom Dance Instructors, and he already had that training. He took my advice, and THAT is how HE MET LINNEA. They fell in love before our divorce was even final. HE NEEDED HER, and SHE NEEDED HIM. They were PERFECT FOR ONE ANOTHER!

IT NEARLY KILLED ME to LET GO of MY GUYS that I LOVED SO MUCH, but I knew IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD DO FOR JIM AND JAY, AND THEIR HAPPINESS, and I WAS RIGHT!

Because Linnea was THE PERFECT MOTHER for Jay, after THEY had BEEN A FAMILY for a while, and I could see that IT WAS INDEED GOING VERY WELL, I told her that I wanted to give my parental rights to Jay up, for her to be able to adopt Jay as her own son.

Ironically, I had a baby, but never wanted to do that, because I was afraid my family's dysfunction would make me a bad mother, but SHE was the PERFECT mother-figure who was never able to have her own children to raise. She did adopt Jay, so in the eyes of the law I HAVE NO SON, and she and Jim adopted a Korean girl while Jim was stationed there in the Air Force. They did have a baby girl of their own, but she died during childbirth, as I understand it. LIFE IS TRULY ODD, WITH HOW THINGS GO, AT TIMES.

She had not asked me to legally give up my son to her, because she was so compassionate, including toward me, and she KNEW how HARD THAT WOULD BE for me to do. But, after I approached her about it, because it was [the] best thing for Jay, and for them, traveling the world with Jim in the service, she and I went to a judge TOGETHER, to get it done, which floored the judge, who had not seen that kind of mutual love and supportiveness between an ex-wife and the new wife, before. Then we made a copy of the decree that would fit into a picture frame, and surprised Jim with that, for a Christmas gift, because he had told her that I would not ever do that because of how deeply I loved my son. It was BECAUSE I LOVED JAY that I WANTED TO DO THAT.

But, EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I did it because LINNEA WAS WORTH IT.

She was one of those people that BLESSES EVERYBODY SHE MEETS. She was gracious, caring, compassionate, loving. All the time. To everyone. She was a better person, BY FAR, than I will EVER be, and Jim was LUCKY to HAVE HER.

So, I know that Jim is enduring the biggest loss of his life, right now. They had over 40 AMAZING years TOGETHER, HAPPILY MARRIED. She was the BEST thing that EVER happened to him, I am sure. In some ways, she was the best thing to ever happen to ME, too.

I ADMIRED HER SO MUCH! I have tears filling my eyes as I write this post. She was a great lady in every way. I miss her, too."

Neighborly - Characteristic of a good neighbor, especially helpful, friendly, or kind.

The overt disrespect, that neighbors of mine, who have affiliated themselves with this clique against me here, have shown me, has been so, over-the-top, at times, that I find it hard to fathom that its perpetrated by people in their 50s - 80s! The neighbor next door actually took her leaf blower that she had finally, temporarily, turned off because I was attempting to speak to her, and deliberately blasted me in the face with it at very close range. She doesn't think I deserve basic respect!

The management had graciously hired professional landscapers, to come remove the leaves on the lots, and the crew had just come through with a team of 3 men with leaf blowers, who had blown all the leaves out onto the paved street in front of the houses here, in order to come back through with a large suction hose, and remove them all. Management had sent us all an email, outlining what to expect, and what to do and not to do, so this day would go smoothly for the landscapers.

[Below is part of the email, sent to all residents, about the leaf removal process. Although our management emailed it to us, it was provided by the landscapers.]

"They will NOT be able to remove leaves from porches, roofs, fenced areas or flower beds in yards
-Homeowners should NOT pile leaves on their own - piles hide things that can damage [the] machines and they will need to blow leaves in such a way that their machine is able to pick them up.
-They will NOT get every leaf. Sometimes people have the misconception that every leaf will be gone when they leave. They project that they will remove 80% to 90% of the leaves that are on the ground when they arrive."

The crew which had just come through apparently did not remove a high enough percentage of the leaves for my neighbor to be satisfied, so, she disregarded the information, and guidance, from the email, and started blowing leaves from HER flower bed into MY yard, which had just been prepped by the men who would be coming back through very soon to vacuum up the leaves they had just blown out onto the street. This neighbor is ALWAYS so DISRESPECTFUL to me that I dislike EVER engaging with her; but fair is fair, so I had first stayed up on my porch and simply used my pointer finger to motion to her to blow the leaves onto the street with all the others. Because her leaf blower is so loud I was not SAYING anything to her. She goes out of her way to demonstrate her disrespect of me, any chance she gets, though, so she glared at me and motioned to her EAR that she couldn't HEAR me. She goes to ridiculous lengths, like that, to make things as difficult for me as possible, whenever I have to deal with her, and this is just one example of that, since I wasn't SAYING anything AT ALL, for her to HEAR. I merely motioned toward the pile of leaves out on the street that she had just seen the landscaping crew put there, to, literally, point out that it was where the new pile that she was blowing out of her flower bed onto my lot now should be blown to by her instead.

She was now just beside my porch steps, as she ignored me standing right there on my porch, and she continued creating this new pile of leaves ON MY LOT, NOT HERS; completely disregarding what I was properly indicating that she should be doing instead, per the guidelines we were all given about it. So, I went inside my house and got my leaf rake, and I went back out and raked up her pile of leaves, putting them with the pile on the street. Despite my doing that, to make it easier for the workmen doing the job, she kept on, blowing more leaves from her flower bed directly toward my house and onto my lot, rather than to the street. She has heard me say that I always try to avoid being around leaf blowers because of the potential to damage my hearing. (My hearing was damaged, in one ear, when my last husband struck me on the side of the head, to where I was only able to open my mouth slightly, to spoon in liquids, for nourishment, for days, afterward. So, I am protective of my remaining hearing, and try to keep it from being damaged, if I can possibly prevent that from happening.) I assure you that, this neighbor was deliberately baiting me by everything that she was doing in this situation, while I was standing right there, watching her disrespect me and the workmen that way, as I became more and more frustrated, at how anyone could be so unnecessarily hostile to their next-door neighbor. (This, is the same, neighbor, by the way, that went to management behind my back to ask them if she could plant a tree-- that SHE ALREADY BOUGHT-- on MY lot, so that she would not even have to discuss it with me! She CLEARLY knew that was wrong to do to me in the first place, or she would never have TRIED to handle it that way. Can you imagine? I could not ever  do the things she has done to me to any neighbor, or to anyone else. Fortunately, that time, the manager did the right thing, by telling her that, she had to ask me, and I said no, because she already chose how to landscape her own lot, including by having her flower bed jut over into some of my lot, as it is, without, consulting me, and I pay just as much every month, for my lot, as she does, for hers. Unlike her, I am not asking for more than my fair share; but I am asking for what is fair, and I have a reasonable expectation of being able to develop my own landscaping for my lot without being denied that right and privilege because of her selfishness and greed. I have never tried to take advantage of her or of any other neighbor--

NOR WOULD I!

                                                   

Such horrible behavior, as she and the other clique bitches have done toward me here, is galling, to me! There are many ongoing instances, of this neighbor doing such things to me. When I have tried to be civil to her, she has merely continued to undermine me in every possible way, and when I catch her at it she lies to my face. Her deep disrespect of me is palpable. Since she lives next door to me, she does anything she can to undermine, and irritate, and disenfranchise, me, of my rights and privileges as a resident here. Her behavior disrupts, and destroys, my peace, and privacy, also. She has greatly diminished my quality of life that I had here before she moved in. There's just no way I can get along with such people, who care nothing about, being respectful, fair or truthful. Having her living right next door to me is emotionally excruciating at this point. She is evil, toward me. 

The day that I am describing here now, I had already tried-- twice-- to get her to stop blowing those leaves onto my lot instead of out to the pile on the street that  was only a few feet away at most, from where she continued to do this. She tries to damage my reputation as all of the clique-affiliated people here try hard to do, which is extremely distressing to me because it distorts how people here think of me, and therefore, it affects how they treat me, even if they are not in the clique themselves. My reputation matters to me! What she was doing now, with blowing her leaves onto my lot, was also intended to do that because clearly it would also make it appear to the landscapers that I WAS THE ONE who did not respect them enough to follow the directions they had provided us through our management to make this large task go as smoothly for them as possible by resident cooperation and compliance. Had her pile of leaves been left in my yard, they would likely see that as something that I did, when they came back, to vacuum up their prepared leaf pile on the street, right in front of our houses. After I raked her leaves out to the street, I stood face-to-face, with her, again, to try to get her to stop, because she continued doing it even after all this. I confronted her directly and with a very frustrated look on my face, I told her to blow them toward the street! This time, I WAS articulating this to her, and this time, she had, briefly, stopped, her loud leaf blower, just long enough to sneer, at me, and say, "GROW UP!" Then, she pointed her leaf blower upward, right at my face at very close range, and blasted my face with it. Shocked at such treatment of me-- and for no good reason whatsoever!--  I exclaimed "Bitch!", as I finally lost my temper, and I told her to "STOP!" Seeing that she had pushed me to exactly where she wanted me, she then, simply, said, what she should have said from the beginning, which was, "Okay", as she began blowing the rest of the leaves from her lot out onto the street. It blows my mind that anyone acting like she does toward me would say "Grow up", to ME, when I am not the one of the two of us that is behaving in these ways that she is. There  is nothing "grown up" about the ways she has behaved toward, and about, me. I have either done things of good will toward my neighbors, or nothing at all. But I have never behaved anything like these shameful things that they do toward me.

Management provided a beautifully done Thanksgiving-themed appreciation meal for the residents earlier this month, but I didn't go. I saw pictures from it though, and it was lovely. I vacillated between, going, or not going. They held it outdoors, under an open tent, so my Covid concerns would have been somewhat alleviated, which was thoughtful of them. I decided the day before that, I would try to go. (I just teared up as I began recalling that day, and all I was feeling.) When I moved here in the midst of the pandemic, I was very afraid of catching Covid, so I didn't go to any of the social events here. When the clique defamation of me began, the gossip and lies about me were absolutely awful. The rumors they started, were so shocking that I couldn't imagine how anyone claiming to be a Christian could have started that campaign against me. It hurt to see so many people here believe the things they heard, even when they had never even met me or gotten to know me for themselves. I could tell who had succumbed to the toxic tongue wagging since those people avoided me in a very obvious way. My other next-door neighbor who is in her 80s used to put her hand up beside her face in order to avoid the sight of me, and would walk by me very fast, from the moment that she moved in. It was odd and ridiculous behavior, that came from whatever pure bullcrap the 'so-called Christian' clique leader, that started this shit, on my very first day living here, had said to her, about me, when she befriended this woman. It seemed to me like she was competing with me for friends and that she was determined to do all that she could to make sure that I didn't have ANY, because I resisted her trying to control me, when I first moved here; politely, but firmly. Her smear campaign against me gave me a lot of extra crap to have to deal with, that I didn't need, and created a very steep uphill climb for me to try to make, any, real, friends, here. It was both calculated and cruel. I did try, but the spread of this malicious gossip was just too pervasive, and poisoned people against me. So, I mostly gave up, and just stayed in my house and kept to myself 99% of the time. The resident appreciation dinner this month would have been the very first event that I had ever attended here but the stress-- of trying to overcome my anxiety about it-- proved to be too much to cope with, and in the end, although, I could see, the tent, and hear, the voices, of the attendees, from my house, I stayed home, and felt sad. My eyes have tears in them now, just recalling how hard that day was for me. I had really wanted to go!

Not Crazy

They tell others that I'm crazy.

That's just another lie,

They use to shift the the focus,

And be their alibi.

These bitches have been trouble

From the very start.

Spreading ugly rumors

That really broke my heart.

It was a warm day, especially, for this time of year, and the weather was sunny. I saw some people wearing shorts! The photographs that I saw showed a beautiful banquet had been prepared. There were long tables and chairs for people, in and around the tent. It was so thoughtful of management to go to all this trouble and expense to show their appreciation of the residents here. I often don't sleep very well, anymore, for various reasons, which makes me so tired that, I am not good company to anyone then. This had also been the case for several days before the event, but the night before, I prayed, and asked God to, please, help me to get a solid night's sleep because I had decided that I would try to attend after all. That night, I slept straight through the night, which I almost never do, anymore (even  if it's just because I have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom), and I was so amazed and excited by that! I had even gone to bed early for me, as I am normally a 'night owl', and stay up quite late. God seemed to be answering all my prayers, to help me to go to this get-together for the community that I moved to, just over 3 years ago now. I was nervous, but, I was excited, too. I got up earlier than I usually do because of going to bed earlier, and I showered and shampooed my hair, and began to choose an outfit to get ready to go. But, the closer it got to the time for the event, the more my anxiety increased, until it got a little past the start time, and I was still home, really, struggling, by then, to get through, a full-on anxiety attack, at that point. (I'm starting to cry again now just thinking about it.) I could not get it under control. I was so sad, and disappointed, because I had REALLY TRIED to GO. I peeked out my front door, at that community gathering, a few times, wishing, I were there, but I just couldn't control the trauma that I felt.

The thing that got to me, that kept me from going, when it came down to it, was all of the times that I have been shunned by people here who believed the clique gossip and turned on me because of it, which causes me a lot of anxiety because  I can't stop it from happening, or defend myself, from those hateful, hurtful, lies, and things they say, to alienate me from the community. Every time, someone is open to getting to know me and will converse with me, I always feel very uneasy about someone in the clique seeing us talking together, because they go to those people, after they see us, and turn many of them against me. Because I wouldn't be able to talk to ANYONE, at the dinner, without, the clique members, who were there, seeing everyone that I would try to converse with, I just didn't try. I know what happens, when I try. So, I stayed home, so that I wouldn't have even more people hurting me, by suddenly changing toward me, 180°, because of this crap.

I just don't need the extra grief, of my trying to overcome this, huge, obstacle, to developing friendships, here, that these 50 - 80-year-old clique bitches created to alienate me from the other community members. I have seen so many, otherwise good people, turn on me, and rarely, do any of them become truly friendly toward me, again, after this happens. The clique members won. I just do not understand, how any adult, could be this vicious. I could never have done such an, evil, smear campaign to any of them. These are, senior citizens, bullying senior citizens. They did it to some others, too, who all moved away, citing that as one of their reasons for not staying in this community. But, I've been their main target, from the start. Because God blessed me with this home of my own, I'm still here trusting that He has a Plan and a Purpose for bringing me here. But, my anxiety about all this has been overwhelming at times. I was even very nearly suicidal over it, at one point.

When I started this blog, 6 years and 101 posts ago, I had such hope that things would turn out better for me than they have. It is disheartening. But, I still have so much to be truly grateful for, and I recognize that despite its persecutions and pitfalls, my life right now is immensely better than the lives of so many others on this planet. Thanksgiving, is tomorrow. I will cook a frozen turkey TV dinner, with some boxed stuffing, on the side, and it will taste good, and I will be grateful. My food is not fancy, but I am never hungry. I used to make things from scratch, for past holidays, but I am just SOOOOOOOO WEARY, right now, and I crave privacy and peace, to try to restore my soul. GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME! HE TRULY IS! I'm still in good health, live independently, have a beautiful home in a lovely location,  I watch happy Hallmark movies, every night, as I find what, female, fulfillment, I can, from watching the on-screen romances, and I still have my sense of humor! 

I still don't own a car, but I enjoy going for walks, and those are good for me. The new digital keyboard is waiting for me to try to relearn how to play piano, which I haven't done for decades, and I got myself an, adult, kick scooter as an alternate mode of transportation to my feet and my bicycle. I want to build a LEGO city as I find architecture fascinating, and I can't wait to pull out my old art supplies, and I still want to learn how to paint with watercolors. I also want to cook from scratch more than I have lately, and bake, of course. I want to put my new MP3 player in my ears, and go exploring. I still haven't seen much of this area, but from what I can tell, it's a very nice place to live. I have a bad habit of saving my good things for 'someday', but, that day, never comes. Just, another today-- that is a blessing in itself, because I am still alive, to enjoy music, and dance around, and rejoice in each breath and heartbeat that God still graces me with. I am determined to wear my 'good' clothes, and stop 'saving them'. Maybe, by wearing them, I might even catch the eye of someone new who will love me well like I've longed for and need.

It amazed me when I met someone who was finally able to dislodge Jim from my heart! He had been the one man that no one had ever been able to remove from my heart. NO ONE had EVEN COME CLOSE, before THIS man DID that-- after 40 years! I am forever grateful to him for that; but then I had to get over him, also. It was simply impossible for me to get to know this man and, not, love him, even though I did not see that coming, at all, until it hit me in the heart full force. He's not someone that I can ever be with though, and I am a realist, so I look forward to hopefully meeting the man that will be 'the third time's the charm' guy for me. I've known a lot of men in my life, but my heart has only completely loved two of  them. My second husband, Jim, who is my son's father, and this one, that got me over Jim. God gave them to other women though, so they aren't His Plan for me.  I don't know if God has someone for me. Mutual love, always seems to elude me. 

Well, I just started crying as I prepared to say this, but, it is time for me to go on with my life-- and whatever it does, or doesn't, turn out to be-- and I won't be on here, blogging, about it, because, THIS IS GOODBYE. There's just so much that I can't really write, in detail about, regarding my life here, for various reasons, and it looks like I'll need a miracle to ever get to a full 'ascent' through the dark night of the soul. Right now, and for a very long time, I have been living in the dark, in various ways, but hoping for the light. Maybe I just won't have that on this earth, but I still have the hope that I will have that, someday, in Heaven, and eternity is forever! To all of you who shared my life's journey, this far, by reading this blog, I thank you for doing that. It was comforting, motivating, and inspiring to have you alongside me as I shared tears and laughter, hurts and hopes, and so much more.
I wish you all the best, all the love, and all the light. And, always, ASCENT. - Deb

Not 'Happily Ever After' But It Is 'The End'

. . . of this blog.

Christmas Eve 2023

Every Christmas in the past, I was always drawn to the light emanating from the Christmas tree, as I sat alone, in the otherwise dark room, late at night, sending my silent prayers and wishes to God for what I hoped that my future would hold. Those deep desires always had something to do with love. Coming from a family that was not warm or affectionate, and never truly finding love with anyone else, I've felt 'love-starved', my entire life. So many years passed, with no one special in my life of any kind, that those have now become decades, that I'm well aware almost equal an entire expected lifespan for a human being. I just never found a reciprocal relationship to fill the hole in my soul where a mutual love needs to be to heal my badly broken heart. That, intrinsic, human need has remained unmet.  This year, I have felt more hopeless about it happening, than any time in my life.

So, I suppose it's symbolic that, this year, I managed to take my new 6' artificial Christmas tree out of the box, assemble it, and even make an admirable attempt to make the branches look somewhat more realistic, which, I only did because of  a friend's encouragement that I do so, who said, it would bring me some "hope", but I can find no motivation in me whatsoever to put the lights or decorations on it. It is sitting unlighted and unadorned, in the corner of this very room, as I type this; mostly enveloped by the darkness rather than emanating a hopeful glow, as the only light in the house is coming from this computer screen that I'm sitting in front of as I type this. The outside of my home is just as dark, visually creating a black hole of sorts, on a street that is otherwise showcasing each neighbor's light displays for the holiday season. I can't seem to motivate to do any better. I can't muster any hope. I don't know if I am depressed, despondent, or just realistic as  I acknowledge to myself and now to you here that, at this point, I don't think my life is suddenly going to become more of what I've always needed or longed for it to be, since it never has before in all this time, even though I've prayed a lifetime of prayers about that very thing finally happening for me. Why try? It is what it is.

There seems to be a permanent disconnect, between the desires of my heart and how my life actually goes. I simply cannot believe that I will ever have a, 'happily ever after', at this point. No prayer that I've ever prayed, nothing I've ever done, has helped the situation, or made this much-needed miracle ever happen for me.

I don't know why God made me and put me on this earth but it just doesn't seem to have anything to do with my loving and being loved by someone special. Satan seems to have won, by blocking any real love that might have ever come my way, otherwise. I'm resigned to it, at this point. I really have lost all hope that Disney's strongly implied promise, of 'happily ever after', that every little girl seems to buy into from a very young age, has any part whatsoever in my destiny. I just started to tear up as I began to type this next statement: I feel like completely 'damaged goods', that is just not lovable. As painful and distressing as that is, I can't 'fix' it, because I've tried, all I know to do about it, over the course of my lifetime. When it is all said and done, God created me, to be, uniquely, me, and I have to be true to that-- who, and what, that is-- even though, it seems to make me less lovable.

I am a survivor and, so far, I have managed to find some way to keep putting one foot in front of the other, continuing my pilgrimage on this planet. I'm hoping that something about me will bring God glory, since I was His idea. As far as my hopes and dreams, that are smashed to smithereens by all the blows they have suffered over the years, it is simply a fact that, most of my life is behind me now, because I'll be 68 years old, this coming February. It feels too late, and I feel too tired, for 'special', to happen, for me, now. I'd love to be proved wrong about that, though.

I live with both my faults and my qualities 24/7, and all things considered I really like me, even though, who, and what, that is doesn't seem to win me 'the popular vote', in situations where people prefer to be more insincere and superficial. I am far more honest than most people, which makes them uncomfortable, but I don't want to be fake to be befriended. I'm a very genuine-- what you see, is what you get-- person. I am also very funny, love to laugh, and dance around, and sing out loud. I love to feel free to be me, whether I am alone or with others. Even though I have genuine compassion I finally learned that I need to set boundaries because other people drained me dry due to my giving nature to the point of total burnout for me. I had to realize that the one person I needed to advocate for, and nurture, was myself, which I was totally neglecting, while thinking that someone sometime would at least finally reciprocate all the loving care that I gave them, which never happened. I love so selflessly and deeply, when I love, that I have to try to guard my heart because people with wrong motives sense or see that about me and will exploit it for their own purposes that usually have nothing to do with caring about me in return. I barely survived the experience the last time I loved someone, and  I definitely don't want to risk that again, with them, or with anyone like them. If I don't match the description I just gave of myself, to people interacting with me, it is because I have walls up protecting myself due to either not knowing or trusting them. I usually start out giving people the benefit of the doubt, showing them my friendly, funny, nature, but if I see that they don't respect or value that in me I go behind my wall of cool reserve or cordial aloofness; and in the case of people who mistreat me in some way, I avoid them, all I can, and when I can't do that, I stay shut down as completely as possible around them in order to try to protect myself.

When I was beginning this blog, almost 5 years ago, now, I had to give it a title. I finally decided on what I did (Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections) because I had felt, at the time, that even though I have gone through some really difficult things, I would, ultimately, triumph over these things at some point (whether that was due to a miracle, or perhaps by my sheer determination), eventually coming out of the long dark night of the soul into the light and life that I have always longed for and needed. However, at this point I not only do not feel like I have been 'ascending' no matter how hard I've tried, but I feel like I haven't even ever really gotten off the ground despite still managing to 'crash and burn'. I just don't have the stamina anymore to keep enduring so much in life that is truly discouraging to me and still manage to find optimism about the ultimate outcome.

I am tired. I am damaged. I am broken in a way that feels 'beyond repair', at this point. The naivete of youth wore off decades ago. There's just nothing left, in me, that believes things will ever get any better. A lot of people live lives without love. I had hoped against hope that I would not be one of those, but the reality is that,  I have been for whatever reason. Destiny? A curse? I marvel at how some people seem to lead such charmed lives in comparison to my own with almost all of their dreams coming true for them. I would not even know how to act, if that had ever happened for me, because I have almost no experience with that, in my own life.

On Christmas Day, I set my stack of tissues beside me to wipe my runny nose if I cried during the Hallmark holiday movies that I watched back-to-back all day long as I sat on the sofa in my pajamas and robe, but I never did cry, once, that whole day. I had cried at some point during almost every romantic movie that I watched all season, up until that point. I just felt numb now. Like love that culminated in a 'happily ever after' was some concept that had nothing at all to do with me or my life. I long ago started living my life in 'the bachelor(ette) mode' because of being by myself all these years with no one to do things for or to impress, so my choice for Christmas dinner may sound somewhat elegant but it was far from it. I looked in the freezer, and the pantry, when I got hungry, before deciding to have, salmon and Asian Brussels sprouts. This meal wasn't plated in a festive holiday pairing for my dining pleasure, though. It was actually a small pouch of flaked fish, that I ate right out of the package that it came in after I tore the top off, and frozen sprouts from Walmart with soy sauce poured over them, that I ate right from the pan that I cooked them in. Even the gingerbread that I had for dessert was from a box and I mixed it up right in the pan I baked it in to avoid dirtying a bowl. All the things I had bought to bake homemade treats, like I used to, are still sitting in the pantry. I had also bought all the ingredients to make a brand-new recipe for an entree I'd seen online, which I still have because I just wasn't motivated to make it after all. Considering the way that I have felt for a while now I was just proud of myself for even getting up and being willing to deal with a new day at all, because I stopped believing, there is ever going to be one in which my dreams will finally come true. 

I don't make 'New Year's Resolutions' anymore, because, as is the case with most people, those, don't seem to last, beyond mid-February. I have realized, however, that for me to have any real chance of finding more happiness than I have, so far, in my life, I have to do something different. That is one of the main reasons that I am not going to continue writing this blog. This, will be my last post. I have sat in front of this (now, very, old, and tired) desktop computer for nearly 5 years, now, spending a lot of hours typing these, often quite long, posts, and crying a lot, as I relive to recount all these things in my life that have contributed to my 'dark night of the soul'. This, final, post will be the 90th one that I have toiled, and teared up, over, for this blog. Most of these blog posts have not been easy for me to write for various reasons, but this month's is even more difficult, because it will be my very last one, so I have to decide, what I still need to say, or not say, here. It is now or never, for that. I just don't think it is realistic for me to keep writing this blog that by its very title indicates that I think I will eventually have a 'happily ever after' at some point, when, I no longer think that I will. I'm just hoping I can survive, now.

It would really be amazing, though, if I changed how I live my life and did end up finding real love finally, and I owe it to myself to make an effort to do that, rather than not even try. Surely, God put at least one person on the planet that is meant to be with me. They won't come, knocking on my door, so I have to go find them.

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I really need for so many things to be different, in my life. It's become all too obvious to me that unless or until I do things differently, I will continue getting the same results, and not have any hope, that these aspects of my life can ever get any better than they have been. I really feel the impact of every day being a gift to me, now that I'm a senior citizen. I also feel that a large majority of the days of my life that are already spent and gone have been wasted by me while I, passively, waited, and prayed, and hoped against hope that things would finally fall into place. That did not happen, so I need to spend my time and energy doing all I can to find-- and live-- the life I have always dreamed of rather than sitting here alone in front of this computer writing about why I don't have it. After all, it isn't just going to come to me while I sit here, isolated and unfulfilled.  I have had almost 5 years of writing this blog to figure that out. I am not getting what I need or want this way. I'm in a downward spiral, that I need to pull out of.

I started writing this blog in February of 2019. I had never blogged before. It was started for only one reason-- my counselor at the VA (I'm a veteran) told me that  I should write down these stories from my life so I could process them, and make peace with them, as much as possible. She didn't specify what way to write them. I had done a lot of journaling in notebooks with a pen prior to that, which had not seemed to help me 'make peace with things' very much, if at all. All I had to show for that was a stack of old notebooks, and writer's cramp. Typing on a keyboard is so much easier, so I began to pray, about whether I should start writing a blog, to do as my counselor had advised me. I told God that if I did this, I was going to be honest about everything, because, otherwise, it would not really resolve anything. The Bible says, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."  (John 8:32) I believe that it honors God when we are truthful about things. He IS Truth.

When I felt like God was saying to write it, I created this blog and gave the VA the link to it for my counselor to be able to access it. Then, I sat at this very keyboard that has served me well in writing all these posts and that now has keys that stick as I type, and I started pouring out my broken heart about all the disappointment, damage, and despair, that I have been so deeply affected by, throughout my life. I wrote about the things that weren't the happier moments, because those were the ones that I needed to (try to) come to terms with. Some were really hard to write. Alot of tears fell as I wrote about those things, and I even had anxiety attacks as I wrote about some of the things that have traumatized me. The portrait of me, and my life, that they painted, was not a pretty picture, for so many reasons, including because of my own sin, and shortcomings. It took alot for me to be as transparent as I have been in these posts. I cannot even begin to calculate how many hours of my life I have sat here in front of this computer screen typing all these blog posts. My hope is that, in some way or other, what I have shared here will help others, in their lives, whether that is because they have been through similar things or other reasons. When we can turn our pain into purpose, it can help us, and others, heal.

I have often turned some of my pain into poems, to try to purge it from my heart. I wrote a lot of them about, love, longing, and heartbreak. I said that I would put more of them in my blog along the way, so I am including the ones below to fulfill that promise, since this is my last post. I don't know the dates that I wrote them.

Memories On My Mind  

I don't wanna have him on my mind.

He's gone but my brain just hits rewind.

It makes me relive my broken heart,

From the end all the way back to the start.

It has been really hard to take.

I keep on seeing my mistakes.

I wish it was different but it's not.

This broken heart is all I've got.

How can I make these memories go?

There must be some way that I don't know.

It hurts to remember all that pain.

I don't want to feel all that again.

He was my Heaven and my Hell.

There's really nothing more to tell.

So, what makes these memories haunt my soul?

Why can't I seem to get control?

He's gone but in my mind I see,

Him standing here in front of me.

The Heart Whisperer

haiku

He was the heart whisperer,

Taming my wild heart,

Like no one else had or could.

It's All In Your Mind

Who gets to decide, if what you feel,

Is just a crush, or something real?

I've been through that, and it's not fun.

They start a fire, and then they run.

They use their head to judge my heart,

When it is, clearly, torn apart.

They twist the tale, and say a lot,

To make it seem, like it was not,

A special thing, if just for me,

Because there never was a 'we'.

Making sure, they take no blame,

Because for them, it was a game.

They make the truth be redefined.

 When it's not in their heart,

"It's all In your mind."

Feeling The Loss

free verse

I've lost more than I ever had.

Got my heart broke without ever being loved.

Sometimes it really seems like,

 I get none of the good and all of the bad.

I wish my heart had never cared.

I can't control the things it feels.

It holds me prisoner sometimes,

When I want to be free of the pain.

It can be a real bully,

Stopping my smile and stealing my joy,

Leaving me bleeding and broken in spirit,

Because of its unceasing blows.

Why can't my heart be my friend,

Instead of an enemy that tells me such lies?

It can be so untrustworthy and cruel.

I don't ever want to love again,

Unless their heart is sharing the risk, as well.

One-way love is no love at all.

Just another way to have a heartbreak.

Who needs that? Not me, for sure,

But my sadistic heart set me up to fall,

And I fell so hard that,

I shattered into a million pieces

That all still believed the love was right, and real.

The heart can be a very convincing liar.

All it brought me was the loss of someone,

That I never even had.

Hateful heart, hurting me,

When that was the last thing that I needed.

Heart Of Gold 

You gotta love 'heart of gold' people.

They make this cruel world safe,

For those of us with broken hearts

To come out of our dark place,

To the light of their love,

They kindly share with us,

While we find our way again,

And slowly learn to trust.

God bless all the 'heart of gold' people.

I'm grateful to them all,

For taking time to be for me,

A soft place I can fall.

I would not have made it

This far if not for them.

They listen without judgement,

And try to understand.

They really are my heroes,

Helping me get through,

The things that nearly crushed me,

That this world has put me through.

This life is not easy. Everyone has their share of heartache and unmet needs they have to deal with; at least, at some point in their lives. I hoped that my mistakes and failures, that I described in these posts, along with all the other things that I spoke of here, would help someone else to avoid the brokenness in their own life.  I wondered what my readers' lives were like, and I felt like they (I just teared up, typing this sentence) were newfound friends, that had come alongside me, on my journey. I knew they could judge me-- even harshly, for some of the things that I shared here; but I also knew that so many of us long for someone to just be 'real' in this world. So few people seem to be comfortable telling the truth! Truth, is the thing that never really goes away, so whether it is comfortable, or uncomfortable, to live with, it's factual, it's real, it's solid, and it's never-changing. It doesn't shift like it feels when we are standing on sand, so it makes a strong foundation. I can cope with it better than I can with lies and 'spin doctoring', and manipulation and fake stuff. For me to feel secure with a person, or in a place, I have to know, who people really are and what I am actually dealing with. It is anxiety-producing and even excruciating, to not have any idea, about these things. It torments my soul.

I sat here reading through a few of my posts, late last night, that some unknown reader had chosen, from almost 90 posts, to read, in the last couple of days. The ones they selected, were mostly about my describing things not working out with men in my life and how I had been mistreated by men. Some were messy from a formatting perspective (which I was too tired to correct, last night, but have done so now), and some were 'messy' due to all the emotions those posts expressed. I read those old posts, with somewhat fresh eyes, because they were, mostly, from 2019, the first year, I started writing this blog, and one post was from a couple of years ago. They were all very long posts, so I wondered how much of that deluge of my descriptions the reader had stuck with and why they were so curious about those past parts of my life. Two of them were about my second husband Jim, who I'd referred to as 'the one man that I would love forever' until one other man that I encountered came along, and changed that, by making it two men, I've felt that way about, in my entire life, as he left Jim in his dust, because, he was the better man, of the two. No one else had ever been able to do that, to my heart, in all 40 years, since I gave Jim my heart and then he broke it so badly. So, naturally I did not think that anyone ever could do that, so I didn't see that coming. Of course, I got my heart broken-- the worst I ever have, by far-- but I learned, how deeply, I could actually care about someone, and that was a revelation to me about myself. I'd never felt anything like that, before, or even anything close to it. Even for Jim.

As I read about my relationship with Jim, last night, I saw it so differently, now. I was only 24 when I met him, and he was over a year younger than me, I think. I had expected him to be more of a man, when it was clear he was still so much of  a boy. More than that, though, as I read, I saw how broken I was even back then and I wondered how anyone that damaged could, or would, ever be loved by any man. Jim did do some really wonderful things for me that brought me some deep and lasting healing. The sexual healing that he gifted me with opened up options, for my future, that I likely would not have had without that relationship with him.  Because of his skill in the sack, I went from being, sexually shut down, from rape trauma, to 'running hot', in my sexuality. He connected me to that part of myself. 

If a woman is lucky enough to find a truly talented man, sexually speaking, like I did, with Jim, his being a great lover will awaken that, dormant, sexual, part of a woman, to herself, and when that happens, she can never go back again, to what is generally settled for, as 'regular sex' with a man. The 'Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am', quick stuff, selfishly done, and over with, by a man, in mere minutes. It  is impossible to settle for that once you know, how great, the difference is, being in bed with a man who totally turns you on, and takes you to a place of pleasure beyond anything you could conceive before. The lack, of sexual skill, that far too many men never bother to improve on, can't 'turn the ignition on and rev up the engine' in a woman's body and soul before it's over, which is why a lot of women do not like, and therefore avoid, sex. It is not fun, or fulfilling, for them! Sadly, if that's all they have ever known with a man, they don't even realize that the men have never taken them to the place of bliss that, their body is capable of feeling.

I'm forever grateful to Jim, for that one thing alone. Many women never get that.

Even so, I would never want him back because I still vividly remember how badly he treated me when we weren't having sex with one another and how he made it clear to me that everyone else in his life always mattered more to him than I did.

It's clear that I need a man whom I haven't met yet, and I'm hoping the changes that I plan to make in my life will lead to me meeting someone that will prove, to me, that they respect me and value me, which, neither, of the other two men did, based on how badly they treated me, at times. No woman wants a man who does not respect her and isn't honest with her. I know I don't. I underlined part of this: 

Sometimes taking care of the self means we have to let go of relationships that are causing us harm, pain, frustration, and spiritual inflammation.​​​​​​​​ When it comes to letting go, it helps to consciously accept that none of us ever let go because we want to. Letting go is always painful. We let go because the person we trusted has acted in a way that has caused us to understand that the trust we once had is gone. We let go because we understand that the person we care for does not value who we are. We let go because, no matter how many times we have tried to resolve an issue, the issue never gets resolved. We let go because the relationship and communication between us and the other is too painful--it is unbalanced--one-sided--and or abusive.​​​​​​​​ - Lisa A. Romano, Breakthrough Life Coach

I don't know if I will ever, truly, be loved, by anyone, but I am at least open to the possibility. By the time I read those blog posts, last night, I saw myself as just too damaged to ever be loved, though. (I felt tears in my eyes, just typing that.) So, I think I may be on the right track by simply hoping to find a good lover with sex as the focus, not love. Even that will be a challenge for me to find, though. In my age group there is a much bigger chance that a man will have a health condition that's affecting his ability to function sexually, such as, erectile dysfunction, and prostate trouble. I don't want a man to have to take a pill, to get hard, for me. I have been

celibate for so many years now that, I have no idea how my body will be, sexually speaking, as a, post-menopausal woman. I only have my vibrator use to indicate I still have a very strong sexual desire but I don't know how I would do with a man.

I am still open to meeting men, but I think that I want it to stay lighthearted, and fun, and not turn into something that can put me through the HELL of heartbreak, again. I love to laugh! I have a good sense of humor, but I am also a very serious person, so it is actually not that easy to get me to laugh. The Bible even says that "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22).  I truly believe that, God prescribes laughter, and joy, for us to be our healthiest, and happiest. That is what I long for. Lots of laughter (and sex; but, hopefully, not at the same time)! I want to have some fun at this point in my life, because my life hasn't been alot of fun overall. It really is now or never for me to have happiness in my life. I am still not sure how to find it though, and it hasn't exactly found me. Below is something that I posted online about a year ago that is an example of my love of writing and my sense of humor. This guy posted the following with the picture of the cats. . . .

Album cover. Go …

I love captioning photos! The 'creative writer' in me comes out to play! So, I wrote the following captions, for the 'album cover' photograph of the cats group. The top line of each set would be the name of the band of cats, and the lower is the album title, for each set. I referenced the photo directly, to match the mood. This kind of thing is so much fun for me! I love accessing my creative expression. It flexes me.

Deb Robinson

December 8, 2022

Hairball Hellions

Coming For Your Catnip

Mean Mousers

The Last Of Nine Lives

Stray Cats

I Ain't Yo Pet

Beantoes Band

I Ain't No Pussy

Feral Felines

Keep Your Fleas To Yourself

Someone that can make me laugh is the number one thing that I need in a man to live as joyfully as possible regardless of whatever unknowns life may have in store for me. Jim, my first real love, did not make me laugh, but I did not realize at that young age how important that special attribute is in a man. I know it now, though, because, the only other man I have ever really loved, did make me laugh-- often-- and it was a wonderful thing, that I truly appreciated, about him, and have missed a lot. However, he was very disrespectful toward me, a liar at times and extremely manipulative, which are all huge turn offs to me, in a person, so I wouldn't be able to ever trust him, and wouldn't want somebody like that in my life, even if I could.

 

As silly as it may sound, a hairy chest, would be the second most important thing, to me, about a man. Bald chests on males looks like boys not men, to me. A hairy chest on a man turns me on in very primal ways, that I can't even articulate here, because it would start to sound more like I was writing porn! It is not possible, for me, to be attracted to a man that's slick-chested. A hairy chest on a man is one of the main attributes of the male body which emphasizes the absolute asset of their having masculinity in comparison to my femininity. It's contrast. Vive la différence!

 

That being said, though, a man might have other things about him which are deal breakers. As an example, I love watching a lot of the videos, online, of John Noble (who goes by Jdaddy74) dancing, but besides the fact that he is a happily married family man, I have seen his camo clothes, for hunting, and the animal heads hung on the walls behind him, in those same videos, and all those things would prevent me from ever having an actual relationship with him if it were even possible to do.

Nobody is perfect, including me, but for a man to be, the perfect one for me, they have to have some specific traits and not have certain other ones. Otherwise, they may be one of several men, that I fantasize about, sexually, when I am getting off with my vibrator to release the pent-up tension in my body from being celibate for so long, but I would never actually be with them in real life, even if that were ever possible. Women can have carnal appetites just like men do and just want orgasm for the pure pleasure of experiencing that ecstatic throbbing sensation that allows me to fall asleep with a gratified giggle and a big smile on my face! We are sexual creatures, just like men are, only we are far more often shortchanged in the sack, by inadequate male partners who are more focused on what they can get from us than what they can do for us, as their lovers. That is why, I realize that, I may be better off having sex with my toys, than being disappointed by a man, in my bed. 

I'm putting this out there into the Universe, to try to activate the law of attraction:

My perfect man would have a combination of attributes from both of the men that I have deeply loved, and some of the characteristics of 'Jdaddy74'. He would have to be free-spirited enough to enjoy suddenly breaking into a dance and/or a song, on his own or with me, and accept that I frequently do this myself. He would have to have a ready smile a lot of the time, and medium build; not thin, and definitely not fat. I want a man to be taller than me, because I am 5'9" and 6' in high heels but I like feeling smaller than and protected by a man. I would like for him to not care what other people think of him if he is at peace with who and what he is. He has to be a nonsmoker. I want someone who, doesn't allow the opinions of others to sway what he thinks about and feels for me. I want him to know his own mind, and heart, and live true, to those things. I want a man who is intelligent, that can comprehend, and converse about, a lot, of things, like Jim was. I don't want some sports fanatic that watches games all the time. I want a man who loves the beach like me. I definitely don't want a narcissist or abuser, who charms me then harms me as soon as they see that they have totally captured my heart. That is so cruel.

I have had enough experiences with men, by now, to know what I want and need, and don't want and need, in a romantic partner. I want a man who is protective of my privacy, and isn't telling people things that are none of their business and that are personal to me. I hate being lied to, and gossiped about. It angers me deeply, and is a total turn off. I want to be hugged and held and kissed and shown lots of physical affection. I want us to give one another massages. I want a man that will defend, and protect, me, not criticize or mistreat me. I want a man that will never humiliate me, either in private or in public; especially, to save face, for himself, at my expense. I want a man who will give me butterflies, in my stomach, and make my knees weak when I think of him, or he touches me. I want him to be my hero!

He has to be honest, especially with me. He needs to communicate with me about anything and everything. I have to be able to trust him. He should show me, I am his priority, over other people, if we are a couple. I need a man to be, the man, in the relationship, and appreciate that I am his woman. A manly man who is strong but gentle. That combination is devastatingly hot, to me. I don't like facial hair on a man. I want a man who loves staying home and cuddling together and enjoying the simple pleasures of private time, not a party animal, or a social butterfly, that always wants to go out and party and be the center of attention, like Jim was. Jim felt restless, and unhappy, and unfulfilled, by staying home but I love to be home!

I need a man who understands I am a night person, and that I always have been, and always will be, because that affects my daily routine, and the hours that I am available and unavailable, to him. A man who is a good, safe, driver; and protects me from contagious viruses and such because he knows I am high risk for serious complications if I catch those things and he wants to keep me safe all that he can.

I've learned, sometimes the hard way, by what I've gone through with men in my relationships with them, what I want and need, and don't want or need, in a man. That information is helpful, to me, because, if I ever do meet him, I will recognize him, because of who and what he is, and isn't. Neither one, of the two men that I have truly, deeply, loved in my life were right for me, for a variety of reasons. But they were, and always will be, very special to me, for how, wonderful, they were, in all the ways that they were, apart from their obvious faults, and shortcomings, some of which, caused them to hurt me deeply, and even break my heart. People aren't perfect. We all, hurt each other. Sometimes, without even meaning to, and sometimes, even intentionally. Despite, all of that, I do hope that, somewhere on this planet is my person, that God made just for me, to love and be loved by, and that we will finally find one another, because time is getting short. When it works, there is nothing better, on this earth, than love! It makes all of the mundane and monotonous things about life seem so much more worthwhile too. Love is magic!

So, starting now, I am going to spend more time out and about, than I have been while writing this blog the last several years. I will be pursuing my other interests and hobbies, most of which I have neglected, for far too long, now. I will be going for more walks, spending more time in Nature. Maybe, I will even meet someone, but even if I don't it will be healthier for me than sitting here not getting fresh air or exercise. Studies say that being inactive damages our health, and shortens our lifespan. I don't want to do either of those things. I have this, one, life and I want to live it, as fully as possible. Hopefully at some point I will have better outcomes.

   

Thank you, every single one of you, for being readers of my blog, especially those of you who have been faithful readers for these many years now. It feels like you joined me on my journey and walked alongside me through some dark days. I so appreciate you, and I am truly, deeply, humbled that you felt that my words were worth your time to read. I hope that some of them gave you something to ponder about your own life. We are each on a pilgrimage, that is uniquely our own, while still being similar to every other solitary soul, in the great mass of humanity, that is happy, and hopeful, and hurting at various times, as we each try to live our life. It seems fitting, to me, to include, my very first blog post, below, in this final one.

The Remarkable Power That A Word Has

[This is my very first Blog. I feel that I have worthwhile words to say here. Through my blogging I may also discover whether others of you, in this cyber space, share that opinion with me. I would truly appreciate your input and interaction here, because, of all the things that words are, I believe that their being a bridge between us is surely one of the most important ones. - Deb]

In thinking back over a wide variety of instances throughout my own life, I find it remarkable that a single word used, or left unused yet still greatly affecting the outcome, either at or about those times, has so much power! Power to transform, or tear down. Power to heal or hurt. Power to unite or isolate. POWER.

Words are the foundational currency of our relationships with one another. The words of others have deeply and even permanently affected my life in many ways. I have warmed to a word of kindness. I have withdrawn when a word is abusive. I have embraced when a word is loving. I have winced, as if punched in the gut, when a word was cruel, and I didn't need that. I have wept, while being comforted, by a word that was warm, when I did need that. I, also, have affirmed, encouraged, entertained, pledged, promised, rejected, renounced, sworn, and many other things, which I do to express myself as a human being, by a word.

While it is sometimes emphasized by the tone, or dramatized by the volume, used to convey it, the word itself is still what possesses the true power. Many if not most of our memories center around things like a baby's first word, being asked out on a date, being told we are hired, or fired, a wedding vow, someone telling us they're pregnant, a disagreement, an emergency phone call, the good-bye of a loved one, the condolences of our friends, the preaching of a sermon that speaks right to our heart as if it's for us alone, and so much more. Whether the result of it was positive or negative in my life, some specific word, which was spoken to me at a certain time, has quite often dropped anchor and tethered my soul to that memory; even, and especially, those times when I have wished that weren't so.

The Bible informs us, starting with its very first chapter, of the creative power behind a spoken word. The Scriptures pervasively teach us that a word has real and impacting power, including the power to bless or curse. Matthew 12:37 says "For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned". Even Jesus Himself was also called 'The Word'! Simply because it was the most important words that I could ever teach him, I even taught my cockatiel to say "Praise God!" and he said it, then, for almost twenty years.   

An unspoken word also holds a lot of power in our lives, whether for good or bad. The silence, from a word not being spoken which is nevertheless present and palpable in the situation, still conveys that word is there, causing it to permeate our psyche as surely as if it had been spoken. Those moments can be filled with such significance and intensity that they have even been called a pregnant pause.

Being a wordsmith is very hard work, and can be extremely difficult to do well. As I begin to grapple with that daunting challenge in this new format, for me, of blogging, I have no idea how I will do with this! In creating and sharing this Blog with you, it is my hope that each of us will come to fully appreciate the remarkable power that a word has, both for us and from us. My prayer is that we are all affected by that truth, and that our words will be used to encourage, inspire, and move others, to a better place in their lives, and not a worse one.

In a word, I'm inviting you to enter in, not just to my life as it has been or to my world as I know it, but to me.

- Deb