It Is What It Is: This Is My Final Blog Post

This is my final blog post. There are several reasons for this, including that I have concluded over the course of the six years that I have written these posts that the 'ascent' which I have hoped for, and strived for, could very likely never happen. At least, not to the extent that would even make it something worth writing about. I started this blog in 2019, and this is my 101st post. That number represents a lot of hours of soul searching, dark confessions, slim hopes and lots of tears from the heartbreak that I've grappled with and am trying to heal from, for most of my life.

Many of you may recall my struggling with the decision about whether to continue to blog, and if so, how often. My reasons for that ranged from my having physical pain from carpal tunnel type symptoms, when I was originally attempting to write very lengthy, detailed, posts, every week, to my moving, to where I am now, and feeling frustrated, because I feel that I can't write openly about much of what I'm experiencing now, because it is my present circumstances, rather than past ones, that the majority of my posts are about. There are several reasons that I feel that I can't write more details about a lot of people and things affecting me here, from my own personal safety to the fact that these blog posts are read by people in 70 countries now, and the people who are in my life, in, any, way-- whether they are affecting my life in good or bad ways-- have a reasonable expectation to live their own lives without things being said about them on the internet 'for all the world to see'. Believe me, the temptation, at times, for me to do a 'Tell All' about, some, of these people, was real. Especially, when they have pissed me off! But, I didn't use this blog to do that, even though some of them may feel that I did at times. I told the truth about my own life, which includes, anything, and anyone, in my life, that has had an impact on it in any meaningful or lasting way. I was very honest about what I shared here, even when it revealed some ugly truth about me and things I have done which, I wish, I could undo. Because of that candor, this blog is able to describe who I am, for better and for worse, and my posts can answer almost any question that someone has about me of any importance. It really is, my life story, up until it ends with this post. Whatever does or doesn't happen, to and for me, in the future, will never be revealed here, now. Not even significant developments in my life, should those ever occur. Given, my past, my age, and my situation I must conclude at this point that, the odds of my dreams coming true aren't in my favor.

                                               

Why am I deciding to definitely stop writing this now? I have already shared some of the reasons that I have considered doing this, in my previous posts, but there's one overarching reason that was the deciding factor for me, after my ambivalence about ending my blog. It goes all the way back to what I chose to call my blog, in 2019, as I began this journaling journey: "Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections". I just got tears in my eyes typing that, because it hints at a feeling of optimism, a determination, in my mindset, and, maybe, just, deep, faith-- that I still had, back then-- that, somehow, God would make a way, where there seemed to be no way, or perhaps a miracle would be imparted to me by the Universe, which would finally fulfill the deepest desires of my very human heart. I am actually a realist at my core, though, and I just don't see that ever happening.

I am battle-scarred and very burned out, but I have some sense of pride that I've at least 'survived' everything that I've been through, in my life, however torn and tattered I am by it all. The dark night of the soul has surely taken a toll on me but what has led to my decision to stop blogging about my life is my acknowledgment that, even the best of what has happened to and for me can't be considered to be any significant 'ascent' that would deliver me out of the dark, and into the light of all the love and laughter that I have dreamed about, and prayed for, for so long. I do tell God that, I know, He is good to me, in so many ways, for which I am truly, deeply, grateful. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and even though I will spend it alone, by choice-- given the other available alternatives, which were not anything that's particularly appealing to me-- because of the Covid virus, among other things-- I am well aware that, I am so blessed, in so many ways. It is my being deprived of or denied a fulfilling romantic relationship that gets me down, the most, though. I am a passionate person (and frankly, a very 'horny' one), so being celibate for 26 years, and counting, at this point, has been extremely frustrating, and unfulfilling, for me. I make regular use of my vibrators, and they serve me very well. But I've wanted to do things, with a man, that I just can't do with a machine. That is what I'm missing most, in my life. Just because the hair turns gray on the outside does not mean there is any diminishing of, 'the fire in the furnace', within, so to speak!

My sense of humor, even about disappointments and deprivations, is what carries me through, many times, when I have no alternative but to laugh or cry, so I will share some of that with you regarding this otherwise hopeless-seeming situation.  I wrote about John Noble, AKA 'JDaddy74' online, in a previous post. Whenever I watch one of his videos-- especially, the ones with his shirt off-- it just makes me smile. (I love a hairy chest on a man!) His facial features don't appeal to me, but  I put a photo of him in a black hat and no shirt on my large desktop computer as my lock screen background. So, every day, I smile to myself, because while I am turning on my computer, it is TURNING ME ON, too! (The photo is below.) It gets even better, though! I ALSO, made this photo the lock screen background for my smartphone, so every time I need to unlock my phone, I have to stroke his body somewhere, with my finger, to do that. The available 'choices' are ALL delightful, and delicious, for me! Umm, umm, UMM! (I am SMILING, really BIG, right now!)

    

 John Noble, AKA JDaddy74 

Some sombersome situations have happened, though, which are things that I can find nothing funny about, at all. This past Saturday, I got an email from my sister, saying that Dad died, on September 10th of this year. If you read my posts about him, and our relationship, then you will know that, I was No Contact with him, for many years, and I vowed that I would not attend his funeral when he didn't allow me to be at my brother Mike's funeral after he committed suicide by gun. I was in Omaha, Nebraska and wasn't to blame in any way for Mike's death in Greensboro, North Carolina. My mother, sent me, ONE, very small, color, photo, of my brother, lying in his casket. That was all my family shared with me, in the whole situation, and there was absolutely no reason, for it. I have no issue, whatsoever, with Pam not telling me about Dad's death sooner. I was fine with that. I felt nothing, about his passing, because he really never engaged in a relationship with me even while I spent 18 years growing up in his house. He spent so much time watching TV. He would glare at me scornfully, or snap at me angrily, if I dared, to interrupt that, in any way. He was a fearsome figure in the household, that had a chilling effect. We all make choices in life, and those have consequences. Both my parents are gone, now, but they were already long gone from my life for years due to their behavior toward me causing me to go No Contact. My mother was actually a narcissist and my dad was an absentee father-- even when, he was in the same house with me. Neither of them were affirming or affectionate toward me. These people were not what I would call a 'loving' family. It wasn't a warm, nurturing, safe-feeling home.

It could be argued that they showed love in their own way but it was often hurtful and harmful, and I finally went No Contact, to try, to heal, from the damage, and destructiveness, of how they treated me. NO love, can be better than BAD love. I did what I had to do, to survive the dysfunction in that family. I wish, it had been different-- better-- for all of us. My sister Pam, who was the youngest member of my family of origin, once told me that, after the rest of us were grown and gone, she had to intervene to break up physical fights between our parents. How awful for her! When I was very little, their fights escalated into, physical, violence also, which was genuinely terrifying to me as a small child that depended on these two grownups for my very survival; traumatizing me in ways I never recovered from. My son, Jay, once chastised me that I 'made my mother cry', though. My mother and father made sure to undermine my relationship with my son which led to my heartbreaking decision to transfer his custody to his father and stepmother, to be raised by them, the rest of the way, after I had been the only one caring for him, 24/7, after he was born, while his dad was too busy socializing to bother with it. I contacted my son after he was grown, and HE made ME cry, by disrespecting me!

I chose to be SELFLESS, in order to give him the BEST possible life he could have. I had never even wanted to have any kids because I was so afraid that the family dysfunction would cause my relationship with any kids of my own to become toxic as well. Ironically, that is exactly what happened, anyway, due to the way that my family portrayed me. As my son grew up, he heard that, I was the black sheep, of the family (their SCAPEGOAT, actually, to keep any focus off THEIR OWN sins). He bought into it, and after he and I had remained close for several years of his early childhood, he ultimately cut off his relationship with me for no reason that he ever gave me, when he was in his early 20s. I reached out to him when he was around 38 years old, but he clearly did not want a relationship with me, so I let it go. But, I messaged him, again, this year, just to send my condolences, when I saw online that his stepmother, who had raised him with his father, had passed away, in May of this year. I sent a sympathy card to Jim, as well, but, neither one of them ever acknowledged, or responded to, that. I wrote something on my Facebook account about Linnea when she passed though that shows who I am and MY HEART about it. I'm copying & pasting that below, for you to see. This is what I said about her:

"Deborah Robinson

June 8

I came across a post indicating that my son's stepmother passed away, less than a month ago.

Linnea was without a doubt THE BEST HUMAN BEING that I have EVER KNOWN in my life!

She was technically his stepmother because I gave birth to my son, but I transferred his custody to his father, my ex-husband, Jim Carlin, after telling him that I REALLY LIKED HER, and that I would give him custody of our son Jay IF HE MARRIED LINNEA. They married soon after.

I JUST KNEW that SHE was SOMEONE SPECIAL, and would be a great influence on both Jim and our baby boy Jay. It was the best possible resolution of a bad situation. (Jim had only married me because I unexpectedly became pregnant, which neither of us had planned on, or really wanted.)

While I was in the process of divorcing Jim, I suggested that he spend his evenings teaching ballroom dance instead of just going out. He was a career Air Force officer at the time, but I had seen a job ad in the paper for Ballroom Dance Instructors, and he already had that training. He took my advice, and THAT is how HE MET LINNEA. They fell in love before our divorce was even final. HE NEEDED HER, and SHE NEEDED HIM. They were PERFECT FOR ONE ANOTHER!

IT NEARLY KILLED ME to LET GO of MY GUYS that I LOVED SO MUCH, but I knew IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD DO FOR JIM AND JAY, AND THEIR HAPPINESS, and I WAS RIGHT!

Because Linnea was THE PERFECT MOTHER for Jay, after THEY had BEEN A FAMILY for a while, and I could see that IT WAS INDEED GOING VERY WELL, I told her that I wanted to give my parental rights to Jay up, for her to be able to adopt Jay as her own son.

Ironically, I had a baby, but never wanted to do that, because I was afraid my family's dysfunction would make me a bad mother, but SHE was the PERFECT mother-figure who was never able to have her own children to raise. She did adopt Jay, so in the eyes of the law I HAVE NO SON, and she and Jim adopted a Korean girl while Jim was stationed there in the Air Force. They did have a baby girl of their own, but she died during childbirth, as I understand it. LIFE IS TRULY ODD, WITH HOW THINGS GO, AT TIMES.

She had not asked me to legally give up my son to her, because she was so compassionate, including toward me, and she KNEW how HARD THAT WOULD BE for me to do. But, after I approached her about it, because it was [the] best thing for Jay, and for them, traveling the world with Jim in the service, she and I went to a judge TOGETHER, to get it done, which floored the judge, who had not seen that kind of mutual love and supportiveness between an ex-wife and the new wife, before. Then we made a copy of the decree that would fit into a picture frame, and surprised Jim with that, for a Christmas gift, because he had told her that I would not ever do that because of how deeply I loved my son. It was BECAUSE I LOVED JAY that I WANTED TO DO THAT.

But, EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I did it because LINNEA WAS WORTH IT.

She was one of those people that BLESSES EVERYBODY SHE MEETS. She was gracious, caring, compassionate, loving. All the time. To everyone. She was a better person, BY FAR, than I will EVER be, and Jim was LUCKY to HAVE HER.

So, I know that Jim is enduring the biggest loss of his life, right now. They had over 40 AMAZING years TOGETHER, HAPPILY MARRIED. She was the BEST thing that EVER happened to him, I am sure. In some ways, she was the best thing to ever happen to ME, too.

I ADMIRED HER SO MUCH! I have tears filling my eyes as I write this post. She was a great lady in every way. I miss her, too."

Neighborly - Characteristic of a good neighbor, especially helpful, friendly, or kind.

The overt disrespect, that neighbors of mine, who have affiliated themselves with this clique against me here, have shown me, has been so, over-the-top, at times, that I find it hard to fathom that its perpetrated by people in their 50s - 80s! The neighbor next door actually took her leaf blower that she had finally, temporarily, turned off because I was attempting to speak to her, and deliberately blasted me in the face with it at very close range. She doesn't think I deserve basic respect!

The management had graciously hired professional landscapers, to come remove the leaves on the lots, and the crew had just come through with a team of 3 men with leaf blowers, who had blown all the leaves out onto the paved street in front of the houses here, in order to come back through with a large suction hose, and remove them all. Management had sent us all an email, outlining what to expect, and what to do and not to do, so this day would go smoothly for the landscapers.

[Below is part of the email, sent to all residents, about the leaf removal process. Although our management emailed it to us, it was provided by the landscapers.]

"They will NOT be able to remove leaves from porches, roofs, fenced areas or flower beds in yards
-Homeowners should NOT pile leaves on their own - piles hide things that can damage [the] machines and they will need to blow leaves in such a way that their machine is able to pick them up.
-They will NOT get every leaf. Sometimes people have the misconception that every leaf will be gone when they leave. They project that they will remove 80% to 90% of the leaves that are on the ground when they arrive."

The crew which had just come through apparently did not remove a high enough percentage of the leaves for my neighbor to be satisfied, so, she disregarded the information, and guidance, from the email, and started blowing leaves from HER flower bed into MY yard, which had just been prepped by the men who would be coming back through very soon to vacuum up the leaves they had just blown out onto the street. This neighbor is ALWAYS so DISRESPECTFUL to me that I dislike EVER engaging with her; but fair is fair, so I had first stayed up on my porch and simply used my pointer finger to motion to her to blow the leaves onto the street with all the others. Because her leaf blower is so loud I was not SAYING anything to her. She goes out of her way to demonstrate her disrespect of me, any chance she gets, though, so she glared at me and motioned to her EAR that she couldn't HEAR me. She goes to ridiculous lengths, like that, to make things as difficult for me as possible, whenever I have to deal with her, and this is just one example of that, since I wasn't SAYING anything AT ALL, for her to HEAR. I merely motioned toward the pile of leaves out on the street that she had just seen the landscaping crew put there, to, literally, point out that it was where the new pile that she was blowing out of her flower bed onto my lot now should be blown to by her instead.

She was now just beside my porch steps, as she ignored me standing right there on my porch, and she continued creating this new pile of leaves ON MY LOT, NOT HERS; completely disregarding what I was properly indicating that she should be doing instead, per the guidelines we were all given about it. So, I went inside my house and got my leaf rake, and I went back out and raked up her pile of leaves, putting them with the pile on the street. Despite my doing that, to make it easier for the workmen doing the job, she kept on, blowing more leaves from her flower bed directly toward my house and onto my lot, rather than to the street. She has heard me say that I always try to avoid being around leaf blowers because of the potential to damage my hearing. (My hearing was damaged, in one ear, when my last husband struck me on the side of the head, to where I was only able to open my mouth slightly, to spoon in liquids, for nourishment, for days, afterward. So, I am protective of my remaining hearing, and try to keep it from being damaged, if I can possibly prevent that from happening.) I assure you that, this neighbor was deliberately baiting me by everything that she was doing in this situation, while I was standing right there, watching her disrespect me and the workmen that way, as I became more and more frustrated, at how anyone could be so unnecessarily hostile to their next-door neighbor. (This, is the same, neighbor, by the way, that went to management behind my back to ask them if she could plant a tree-- that SHE ALREADY BOUGHT-- on MY lot, so that she would not even have to discuss it with me! She CLEARLY knew that was wrong to do to me in the first place, or she would never have TRIED to handle it that way. Can you imagine? I could not ever  do the things she has done to me to any neighbor, or to anyone else. Fortunately, that time, the manager did the right thing, by telling her that, she had to ask me, and I said no, because she already chose how to landscape her own lot, including by having her flower bed jut over into some of my lot, as it is, without, consulting me, and I pay just as much every month, for my lot, as she does, for hers. Unlike her, I am not asking for more than my fair share; but I am asking for what is fair, and I have a reasonable expectation of being able to develop my own landscaping for my lot without being denied that right and privilege because of her selfishness and greed. I have never tried to take advantage of her or of any other neighbor--

NOR WOULD I!

                                                   

Such horrible behavior, as she and the other clique bitches have done toward me here, is galling, to me! There are many ongoing instances, of this neighbor doing such things to me. When I have tried to be civil to her, she has merely continued to undermine me in every possible way, and when I catch her at it she lies to my face. Her deep disrespect of me is palpable. Since she lives next door to me, she does anything she can to undermine, and irritate, and disenfranchise, me, of my rights and privileges as a resident here. Her behavior disrupts, and destroys, my peace, and privacy, also. She has greatly diminished my quality of life that I had here before she moved in. There's just no way I can get along with such people, who care nothing about, being respectful, fair or truthful. Having her living right next door to me is emotionally excruciating at this point. She is evil, toward me. 

The day that I am describing here now, I had already tried-- twice-- to get her to stop blowing those leaves onto my lot instead of out to the pile on the street that  was only a few feet away at most, from where she continued to do this. She tries to damage my reputation as all of the clique-affiliated people here try hard to do, which is extremely distressing to me because it distorts how people here think of me, and therefore, it affects how they treat me, even if they are not in the clique themselves. My reputation matters to me! What she was doing now, with blowing her leaves onto my lot, was also intended to do that because clearly it would also make it appear to the landscapers that I WAS THE ONE who did not respect them enough to follow the directions they had provided us through our management to make this large task go as smoothly for them as possible by resident cooperation and compliance. Had her pile of leaves been left in my yard, they would likely see that as something that I did, when they came back, to vacuum up their prepared leaf pile on the street, right in front of our houses. After I raked her leaves out to the street, I stood face-to-face, with her, again, to try to get her to stop, because she continued doing it even after all this. I confronted her directly and with a very frustrated look on my face, I told her to blow them toward the street! This time, I WAS articulating this to her, and this time, she had, briefly, stopped, her loud leaf blower, just long enough to sneer, at me, and say, "GROW UP!" Then, she pointed her leaf blower upward, right at my face at very close range, and blasted my face with it. Shocked at such treatment of me-- and for no good reason whatsoever!--  I exclaimed "Bitch!", as I finally lost my temper, and I told her to "STOP!" Seeing that she had pushed me to exactly where she wanted me, she then, simply, said, what she should have said from the beginning, which was, "Okay", as she began blowing the rest of the leaves from her lot out onto the street. It blows my mind that anyone acting like she does toward me would say "Grow up", to ME, when I am not the one of the two of us that is behaving in these ways that she is. There  is nothing "grown up" about the ways she has behaved toward, and about, me. I have either done things of good will toward my neighbors, or nothing at all. But I have never behaved anything like these shameful things that they do toward me.

Management provided a beautifully done Thanksgiving-themed appreciation meal for the residents earlier this month, but I didn't go. I saw pictures from it though, and it was lovely. I vacillated between, going, or not going. They held it outdoors, under an open tent, so my Covid concerns would have been somewhat alleviated, which was thoughtful of them. I decided the day before that, I would try to go. (I just teared up as I began recalling that day, and all I was feeling.) When I moved here in the midst of the pandemic, I was very afraid of catching Covid, so I didn't go to any of the social events here. When the clique defamation of me began, the gossip and lies about me were absolutely awful. The rumors they started, were so shocking that I couldn't imagine how anyone claiming to be a Christian could have started that campaign against me. It hurt to see so many people here believe the things they heard, even when they had never even met me or gotten to know me for themselves. I could tell who had succumbed to the toxic tongue wagging since those people avoided me in a very obvious way. My other next-door neighbor who is in her 80s used to put her hand up beside her face in order to avoid the sight of me, and would walk by me very fast, from the moment that she moved in. It was odd and ridiculous behavior, that came from whatever pure bullcrap the 'so-called Christian' clique leader, that started this shit, on my very first day living here, had said to her, about me, when she befriended this woman. It seemed to me like she was competing with me for friends and that she was determined to do all that she could to make sure that I didn't have ANY, because I resisted her trying to control me, when I first moved here; politely, but firmly. Her smear campaign against me gave me a lot of extra crap to have to deal with, that I didn't need, and created a very steep uphill climb for me to try to make, any, real, friends, here. It was both calculated and cruel. I did try, but the spread of this malicious gossip was just too pervasive, and poisoned people against me. So, I mostly gave up, and just stayed in my house and kept to myself 99% of the time. The resident appreciation dinner this month would have been the very first event that I had ever attended here but the stress-- of trying to overcome my anxiety about it-- proved to be too much to cope with, and in the end, although, I could see, the tent, and hear, the voices, of the attendees, from my house, I stayed home, and felt sad. My eyes have tears in them now, just recalling how hard that day was for me. I had really wanted to go!

Not Crazy

They tell others that I'm crazy.

That's just another lie,

They use to shift the the focus,

And be their alibi.

These bitches have been trouble

From the very start.

Spreading ugly rumors

That really broke my heart.

It was a warm day, especially, for this time of year, and the weather was sunny. I saw some people wearing shorts! The photographs that I saw showed a beautiful banquet had been prepared. There were long tables and chairs for people, in and around the tent. It was so thoughtful of management to go to all this trouble and expense to show their appreciation of the residents here. I often don't sleep very well, anymore, for various reasons, which makes me so tired that, I am not good company to anyone then. This had also been the case for several days before the event, but the night before, I prayed, and asked God to, please, help me to get a solid night's sleep because I had decided that I would try to attend after all. That night, I slept straight through the night, which I almost never do, anymore (even  if it's just because I have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom), and I was so amazed and excited by that! I had even gone to bed early for me, as I am normally a 'night owl', and stay up quite late. God seemed to be answering all my prayers, to help me to go to this get-together for the community that I moved to, just over 3 years ago now. I was nervous, but, I was excited, too. I got up earlier than I usually do because of going to bed earlier, and I showered and shampooed my hair, and began to choose an outfit to get ready to go. But, the closer it got to the time for the event, the more my anxiety increased, until it got a little past the start time, and I was still home, really, struggling, by then, to get through, a full-on anxiety attack, at that point. (I'm starting to cry again now just thinking about it.) I could not get it under control. I was so sad, and disappointed, because I had REALLY TRIED to GO. I peeked out my front door, at that community gathering, a few times, wishing, I were there, but I just couldn't control the trauma that I felt.

The thing that got to me, that kept me from going, when it came down to it, was all of the times that I have been shunned by people here who believed the clique gossip and turned on me because of it, which causes me a lot of anxiety because  I can't stop it from happening, or defend myself, from those hateful, hurtful, lies, and things they say, to alienate me from the community. Every time, someone is open to getting to know me and will converse with me, I always feel very uneasy about someone in the clique seeing us talking together, because they go to those people, after they see us, and turn many of them against me. Because I wouldn't be able to talk to ANYONE, at the dinner, without, the clique members, who were there, seeing everyone that I would try to converse with, I just didn't try. I know what happens, when I try. So, I stayed home, so that I wouldn't have even more people hurting me, by suddenly changing toward me, 180°, because of this crap.

I just don't need the extra grief, of my trying to overcome this, huge, obstacle, to developing friendships, here, that these 50 - 80-year-old clique bitches created to alienate me from the other community members. I have seen so many, otherwise good people, turn on me, and rarely, do any of them become truly friendly toward me, again, after this happens. The clique members won. I just do not understand, how any adult, could be this vicious. I could never have done such an, evil, smear campaign to any of them. These are, senior citizens, bullying senior citizens. They did it to some others, too, who all moved away, citing that as one of their reasons for not staying in this community. But, I've been their main target, from the start. Because God blessed me with this home of my own, I'm still here trusting that He has a Plan and a Purpose for bringing me here. But, my anxiety about all this has been overwhelming at times. I was even very nearly suicidal over it, at one point.

When I started this blog, 6 years and 101 posts ago, I had such hope that things would turn out better for me than they have. It is disheartening. But, I still have so much to be truly grateful for, and I recognize that despite its persecutions and pitfalls, my life right now is immensely better than the lives of so many others on this planet. Thanksgiving, is tomorrow. I will cook a frozen turkey TV dinner, with some boxed stuffing, on the side, and it will taste good, and I will be grateful. My food is not fancy, but I am never hungry. I used to make things from scratch, for past holidays, but I am just SOOOOOOOO WEARY, right now, and I crave privacy and peace, to try to restore my soul. GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME! HE TRULY IS! I'm still in good health, live independently, have a beautiful home in a lovely location,  I watch happy Hallmark movies, every night, as I find what, female, fulfillment, I can, from watching the on-screen romances, and I still have my sense of humor! 

I still don't own a car, but I enjoy going for walks, and those are good for me. The new digital keyboard is waiting for me to try to relearn how to play piano, which I haven't done for decades, and I got myself an, adult, kick scooter as an alternate mode of transportation to my feet and my bicycle. I want to build a LEGO city as I find architecture fascinating, and I can't wait to pull out my old art supplies, and I still want to learn how to paint with watercolors. I also want to cook from scratch more than I have lately, and bake, of course. I want to put my new MP3 player in my ears, and go exploring. I still haven't seen much of this area, but from what I can tell, it's a very nice place to live. I have a bad habit of saving my good things for 'someday', but, that day, never comes. Just, another today-- that is a blessing in itself, because I am still alive, to enjoy music, and dance around, and rejoice in each breath and heartbeat that God still graces me with. I am determined to wear my 'good' clothes, and stop 'saving them'. Maybe, by wearing them, I might even catch the eye of someone new who will love me well like I've longed for and need.

It amazed me when I met someone who was finally able to dislodge Jim from my heart! He had been the one man that no one had ever been able to remove from my heart. NO ONE had EVEN COME CLOSE, before THIS man DID that-- after 40 years! I am forever grateful to him for that; but then I had to get over him, also. It was simply impossible for me to get to know this man and, not, love him, even though I did not see that coming, at all, until it hit me in the heart full force. He's not someone that I can ever be with though, and I am a realist, so I look forward to hopefully meeting the man that will be 'the third time's the charm' guy for me. I've known a lot of men in my life, but my heart has only completely loved two of  them. My second husband, Jim, who is my son's father, and this one, that got me over Jim. God gave them to other women though, so they aren't His Plan for me.  I don't know if God has someone for me. Mutual love, always seems to elude me. 

Well, I just started crying as I prepared to say this, but, it is time for me to go on with my life-- and whatever it does, or doesn't, turn out to be-- and I won't be on here, blogging, about it, because, THIS IS GOODBYE. There's just so much that I can't really write, in detail about, regarding my life here, for various reasons, and it looks like I'll need a miracle to ever get to a full 'ascent' through the dark night of the soul. Right now, and for a very long time, I have been living in the dark, in various ways, but hoping for the light. Maybe I just won't have that on this earth, but I still have the hope that I will have that, someday, in Heaven, and eternity is forever! To all of you who shared my life's journey, this far, by reading this blog, I thank you for doing that. It was comforting, motivating, and inspiring to have you alongside me as I shared tears and laughter, hurts and hopes, and so much more.
I wish you all the best, all the love, and all the light. And, always, ASCENT. - Deb

Life As, A Real-Life, 'Alice In Wonderland'

I have had a hell of a time writing this blog post. I have restarted it, from scratch, several times now. If this is what you see online, you will know that I FINALLY got through the tremendous, stressful, challenge, of articulating these things from my life. Most likely, though, I will be bald, for awhile, as I feel very close to pulling my hair out over trying to get this said and done. (Apparently, I can still find traces of my sense of humor, in me, somewhere. >sigh!< ) My aim is to accurately describe my life; not to intentionally 'roast' someone. I am in a state of exhaustion because I have been going through so much for so long that I am extremely depleted in my body, soul, and spirit. I would give almost anything for a walk on the beach and to feel some serenity and sanity return to my tempest-tossed temperament. Truth, is very important to me. It can be approached in a number of ways, though, that can avoid being used as a weapon. My intention is not to hurt anyone and I really wish they would have that same spirit toward me. We're all accountable for our actions however; and I do not think it is right, or proper, for someone to mistreat me, and then, expect me, to not ever say anything, about that. Especially, when it, deeply, affects me, and it becomes a part of my life story-- which, I write about, here. The blog's title is, clearly, stating that, I write about the 'dark nights of the soul', that I have been given to have to get through, as best I can. The word "ascent", reflects my deep desire that, at some point, I will, finally, overcome all the assaults on my happiness, that I endure, and live in the light of, peace, joy, laughter, and love.  A big, and perhaps, impossible, aspiration, given the fact that, this planet, I live on, seems to devolve into, increasing, depravity, every day, and my personal life, has been rife with troubling turmoil, and a ratio of life experiences that has seemed to slant, much more, toward, 'bad' ones, than 'good'. I have a (VERY BADLY) broken heart.  A, small, sliver, of hope, still, within me, is the, one, thing, that, keeps me going, toward that goal; one WEARY step after another.  My deep faith, in God, is my strong anchor as I have clung to what, and where, I see Him leading me, and trust Him, to bring about His Will, and Plan, despite, how things LOOK. The Bible says, we are to "walk by faith and not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7).  I trust God, and His Word, even when, I don't, fully, trust, anyone else. INCLUDING, MYSELF.

Life is largely viewed the way it is because of the lens we choose to look through. If we look for the bad, it is surely there, and if we look for the good, it is there as well. Recently, someone was (based on results: making the mistake of) asking me the, seemingly, socially innocuous question, "How are you?" In my defense, I had gone to see them, with a smile on my face, solely to give them a gift, which I felt would be welcome, and which they liked, and received with appreciation. I did not go to stay long or have a long conversation, as I was trying to get some things off my To Do list before the approaching weekend. They appeared to also be about to go home for their weekend plans, as well. By all intents and purposes, this should not have ended up being the outburst from me that it was, following the inquiry. I hesitated, struggling, to decide, what to say, in response, when, a sudden flood of my pent-up emotions started attaching themselves to the words which had begun pouring from my mouth. I had been stuffing all that inside me, saying nothing, to anyone, about how I was feeling, for a lengthy amount of time, at this point, and, the dam just burst. As my frustration level began to be expressed, my voice rose, and its volume increased. It could not be stopped at this point as I poured out my very real grief and heartache over some of the ways that I have been treated that are just so wrong; which, this person already knew about, because they had been witness to the things that I was describing. The injustice of it all angered me, and my temper showed, as well. To make this hysteria I was having worse, the person didn't lead me into a nearby room, where they could shut the door until the steam was all out of my hurting soul, over this, ongoing, issue, that I am dealing with. I was asked to "walk with me", as they began to open doors, to the outside, letting this 'go public' at that point should anyone else be around, and then, outside with them, to stand there, in the light of day, as I got the rest of it off my chest, finally finishing this crescendo of righteous indignation I was voicing. None, of which, I'd had any intention of saying at all when I went there merely to give them the item that I thought could well be a blessing, to them, which, they said that it truly was.

How fine you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are fortunate your condition is not permanent. You're lucky, too. Red eyes suit so few. - Cheshire Cat

It happened because their question seemed to CARE how I am doing, and as they also know, probably better than anyone else in my life right now, I have been put through, some, really, ridiculous, and stressful, situations, in recent weeks, which have caused me to hardly sleep for days on end, lately, and cry (which I normally rarely do, unless I am VERY STRESSED BY SOMETHING), with a sound that is not 'human' but more akin to what comes from the mouth of a wounded animal. Yet I don't know if they asked me how I was because they DO care, or just to be polite. Regardless of which one their intention was, I emailed them saying that I am sure they regretted, asking me that question, based on the results. I did not want that to happen, or intend for that to. I have, clearly, just reached my breaking point in having to deal with some truly bizarre things, that people have perpetrated in my life. I would likely be coping with it much better than I am, if it were coming from people that I don't like, or care about. But, these things are coming from people I not only care about but even deeply love. I think that's why it has been especially hard on me. I am walking by faith, as far as all the reasons that God led me here, and I know that, at some point, His Will, will manifest more clearly, in the natural realm. But these people have already so touched and affected me that they have literally altered who I am as a person, in some profound ways, and I needed that.

 

It can be confusing, and uncomfortable, to be the clay, on the potter's wheel, and feel like, such a, wobbly, off-center, mess, while having no idea what the potter is trying to achieve, as you see yourself transforming in ways that are profound and permanent. From things as simple-- but surprising-- as seeing my taste in music, change, so drastically, that a genre, that I never listened to or valued, is now my favorite music of all, prompting me to purchase 35 songs, of it, for my playlist, to my gentleness and generosity toward people who have put me through some bad things, because I care, more about them, than the level of hurt, they have caused me, I am not the same person that God Led here, for His, mysterious, reasons; in some significant ways. I could definitely delve into a diatribe about the things they have done to me, and it would be justified. I do not think it is fair, for someone to cause so much crap in someone's life, and not expect them to say anything about it. God knows that the counselors on the Veterans Crisis Line all know me by now.

NO   ONE   DOES    [PLAY   FAIR]    IF   THEY   THINK   THEY   CAN   GET   AWAY   WITH   IT.   - Cheshire Cat

 
As for the other, equally colorful, characters in my life, now, I feel an affection for them all; even those that have been such bitches to me that I don't like them, for it. They don't see my slight smile, after I walk past them talking together, and am glad to see, they are living their lives in a way that is bringing them happiness. (I just wish they didn't ALSO contribute their bitchy bullshit to MINE because I am a loner, by nature, and I choose to spend the majority of my time alone. I need, the PEACE of PRIVACY, alot, more than most people.) Because of the sometimes crazy Cast Of Characters here (which includes me, in their eyes, because I'm different in some really notable ways myself, being very eccentric, and more uninhibited, than most),  I realized recently that I frequently feel as if I'm Alice in Wonderland. It is a crazy community, in some ways; no doubt about it. It is also, generally, a caring one. These people test me and try me, to my core, but they also are a blessing to me-- even the bitches, believe it or not. I am not at all happy with how badly they treat me-- often in ways that, it goes without saying, they would pitch a fit over if I had done the very same things to them-- but I understand that, how they act, is really out of WHO THEY ARE, not WHO I AM. It is the same way about my being a loner. It's not about them, although, they react to it as if it is a slight, or insult, to them, because they prefer to talk together, often, and gather in groups, to gossip.

I'm JUST BEING ME-- whom I have ALWAYS BEEN, long before I came here. It has everything to do with HOW I COPE with life, and is NOT me avoiding them (except for the secondhand smoke which I do dislike, including because I have respiratory issues). When I have any thoughts, about them, at all, it is things, like, "I REALLY WISH they would quiet their dog! I love that dog but it's BARKED for 20 MINUTES and I WAS, in bed, ASLEEP, before that started." Later, that same day, although, I am, sleep deprived, due to that, I will be in the kitchen, looking in my pantry, and I will think to myself, "I will be so glad, when I FINALLY have the time and money to start baking, again, so I can offer a cake to the community (which includes the bitches, because, for better or for worse, WE ALL LIVE HERE TOGETHER). There is no one here that I wish ANY ILL WILL TO, despite how horribly some of them have treated me. I may not LIKE everyone but God's Spirit in me HELPS me love them. I don't SHOW love for people, though, if my doing so opens me up to their abuse. That's happened to me with several people here, and I withdraw, when they do it.

Just the other day, I was heading home after a walk when a neighbor I had drinks with, last summer, called out a greeting to me, after we hadn't spoken since some serious bullshit happened back then, that left me feeling violated and outraged. It was an appropriate gesture, which I accepted, as I stopped on the street to stand and chat with them a few minutes. I expressed concern and compassion for them, and let them know that me and another person here had prayed together for him, when he was ill. As I turned to go home he invited me to stop by for a drink again sometime. While I am SURE that THAT will NEVER HAPPEN, again, after the fiasco it was last year (his even offering that seemed so clueless, and tone deaf, to me), I smiled, because I knew his intention was to reconcile with his neighbor, and that was a welcome act on his part. Sometimes-- actually, ALOT OF TIMES-- when, we are dealing with other people, the BEST THING WE CAN DO is show them GRACE. I would TRULY BE LOST, in EVERY way, WITHOUT GOD'S GRACE. So, even when I get SO ANGRY AT PEOPLE at times, for how they treat me-- especially, when they REALLY HURT ME DEEPLY, as quite a few people here have, sad to say-- my hope, is that my broken heart, and this dysfunctional community, will eventually, by our choices and efforts, begin to be a place of PEACE, that we ALL FEEL THE LOVE in.

There isn't ANYBODY I have met here that I don't truly care about, and even love. They make it REALLY DIFFICULT, FOR ME, to not only, EXPRESS that, but to, FEEL it, some days. That's for sure! Nevertheless, GOD BROUGHT ME HERE, and I'm so GRATEFUL TO HIM for that! In spite of everything, I know that I know that I know that THERE IS NOWHERE ELSE, in this WORLD, that I would rather be! I hope this community will become something as special, to EVERYONE here, as it is TO ME! I can't always express my appreciation, and gratitude, here, because people cannot accept it for what it is. They sometimes give it more meaning or manipulation that I did not mean, by it, which deeply discourages me from saying anything to them, at all. It's hard for me to trust people, as it is. There's not one person here, that I totally trust, at this point, not to hurt or betray me, which is sad. To NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU STAND with someone, is a SCARY THING FOR ME. I have a very deep need to FEEL SAFE, in my surroundings, and I can't feel that way when people are treating me in some of the hurtful and hateful ways they have done to me, here. I have experienced some pretty petty behaviors from people. Even, right now. It all comes down to people NOT LOVING THEIR NEIGHBOR, like they do themselves. It is going to become, and be, whatever the people here make it. Sometimes I really wonder, if what they are contributing to the community is WHAT, THEY WANT, it to be like. THIS IS THEIR HOME, and MY home. It would be SO MUCH NICER for ALL of us if everyone either MADE IT BETTER, or AT LEAST didn't spend SO MUCH time and energy, on gossip and schemes, that MAKE IT WORSE. NO ONE would want to shit in their own food dish, and then try to nourish their body by eating that CRAP.

In a way, that is EXACTLY what some people here are DOING. That will never lead to good results, for ANYONE here; including them. I long for people to STOP being JERKS to others here and show some genuine, neighborly, good will, so things can IMPROVE. When, someone is doing UGLY things, to ME, it is NEVER going to make me WANT to INTERACT WITH THEM. Their actions, place me in a protective mode, where I avoid them, and have no desire to interact with them, or open myself up, to them, in any way. I truly don't understand how people can treat people in ways that THEY WOULD BE UPSET AT if that were done to THEM. For things to IMPROVE someone would have to demonstrate 'good faith', by treating me how, they, would expect me to treat them, were it reversed. When I am DISRESPECTED it DOESN'T encourage me to WANT to interact, with the people who are treating me that way.

This community is going to be what people make it. Bottom line. Some people, do seem to prefer feeding from the same pot they shit in, so to speak. I have no idea why that has been their choice. Ego. Insecurity. Women, that are elbowing others, to secure their hierarchy in the henhouse, and that, becomes their priority, over a better quality of life; including for themselves. For many of us here, we are in our 'Golden Years'. Some, that moved here, have already passed away. Any of us, can expect something to, take us out, of life on this earth, due to our health issues, or such, any time now, although I am sure that, WE, ALL, HOPE to LIVE, for decades more. I just find it REALLY SAD that the LAST LEGACY people here seem to WANT to LEAVE BEHIND THEM is the one that, they have been demonstrating, so far. To be honest, I have actually cried out to God, at times, about people here that have done some REALLY CRUEL, and MEAN-SPIRITED, things, to me, that I KNOW that, if I did those things, to THEM, they wouldn't appreciate that AT ALL. When I have been, DEEPLY WOUNDED, by their actions, toward me, and/or, LOST MY TEMPER, over it, I have even told God that I WOULDN'T MISS THEM AT ALL, IF THEY DIED THIS MINUTE! Wouldn't they RATHER the community MOURN THE LOSS, of them, among us, and all talk together of, HOW MUCH THEY WILL BE MISSED? I wonder what people are thinking, when they sully their standing here, by behaving badly.  I DEFINITELY have MY faults and shortcomings. I am NOT PERFECT EITHER. But I CAN say for certain that I have never TRIED to HURT someone ON PURPOSE. The way I write my blog posts about my life now, which is here, REFLECTS that truth.

People know that I write a blog about my life-- ESPECIALLY the 'dark nights of the soul', which are the BAD things. Many know it is read by people around the world, in 62 countries, now. (THANK YOU, Readers!) You might think that, they would be more careful about how they treat me, since, those experiences, and interactions, become a part of MY LIFE, and therefore a part of my life story. Even that, doesn't seem to motivate them, to BEHAVE BETTER, TOWARD ME; which, is REALLY ALL I WANT. Just to be TREATED BETTER, than I have been, on many occasions, since I moved here. >sigh< It is what it is. We, all, have to decide, individually, and, as a community, if this is what we REALLY WANT IT TO BE. After all, it BELONGS to ALL OF US. I don't know what people here will decide to do, BUT I HAVE FAITH, in our future, here. Not because of THEM, or ME, necessarily, but because the ONE thing that I KNOW FOR SURE is that, GOD BROUGHT ME HERE, in the course of doing a MIRACLE for me! The Bible says that, He desires that I BE BLESSED, and tells me in ...

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.

MY FAITH AND HOPE are in THE LORD.

Amen.

Deb