I don't do well with winter. Even though, I moved back to the South, last summer, I still feel down, on gray, cloudy days; even depressed, if they go on long enough, and I'm deprived of the sight of a bright, blue, sky, with heating degrees from the sun, to warm both my soul and my body. I seem to have SAD** to some extent. I am much more outgoing and upbeat during warmer weather. I feel closed in when it is cold outside, and I am staying inside, to avoid that, as much as possible; and the ongoing pandemic only amplifies that feeling in me, since it has caused me to stay self-quarantined, for what is becoming an extremely extended period of time. Add the flu season to that, which we are now also in, and I am a veritable hermit.
The last couple of days have even added another layer of frustration and stress to my life. A winter storm is upon us, that poses risks to my new home that I bought just 5 months ago. I have lived in apartments virtually my entire adult life, except for briefly living in houses during my last two marriages. This move has created a real learning curve, for me, for many reasons, as I struggle to deal with the extra responsibilities, and liabilities, of home ownership, at 65 years of age, for the first time in my life. Although, I know, that the Lord directed me to come here, and He gave me this house as a blessing, I have cried alot of tears these last months due to feeling overwhelmed by this move. I am having to grow into the role of being a homeowner, and I hope that I can also, relax, into it too, when I finally have more of this figured out, and feel like I can handle it better than I have been, in several cases. A new home, a new town, new neighbors, and a, potentially deadly, Covid-19 virus that keeps reinventing itself and becoming more and more contagious, at this point, is alot for me to take on, all at once. The situation with my sister didn't help me, transition, smoothly, either. [Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: 'Bossy Bitch' is NOT a LOVE LANGUAGE.] I was burned out, by all the sustained, and acute, stress, from, my landlord issues, back in Omaha, Nebraska, before, I ever even moved, here. [Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: It's Said, When Life Gives You Lemons . . .] I was, physically, mentally, and emotionally pushed past my limit of what I felt I could either cope with or endure by the time the rental truck was loaded up, with all my belongings in it, for me to drive halfway across the country, to arrive at this, new, and uncertain, adventure.
My apprehensions were all heightened, by this move taking place in the middle of a, worldwide, pandemic, where, no place, is safe, and people, here, almost never wear face masks to protect themselves, or others. It has been very unsettling for me, as I try to integrate into this community, while staying safe, from the risk all these people pose to me individually. I continue to try my best to self-quarantine as much as I can even though I have had both Pfizer vaccinations. I cannot get a booster shot until spring, based on the, current, guidelines. Several neighbors on the small street that I have moved to have had Covid-- just since I've lived here! Another neighbor that lives here but on another street, just came home from the hospital, after being, in the ICU, then, at a rehab facility, with their bout of Covid. Yet, the people here are, largely, unvaccinated, by their own choice. They also do not wear masks, socially distance, or take any of the, recommended, precautions against exposure, and transmission, as a general rule. They're more careful when they are around me though, for the most part, because I've made it very clear to anyone coming near me that, I am doing all I can to avoid catching Covid. I want to live through this pandemic, with, my, health, as intact as possible. It is frankly annoying when my 25-year-old, next-door neighbor, a young man, who works on an ambulance transporting patients and who's had Covid while he has been living next-door to me (and who didn't use a mask even while he had it, unless I asked him to) tells me, after he recovered, that I, just worry too much. I have 40 years on him, and I have respiratory, and heart, vulnerabilities, that all place me in the high-risk category for serious illness or death if I should catch Covid. No one else has the right to put my health at risk or tell me to take protecting my health less seriously! I only have one life, and I am the one, living, my life. Not any of them. All, of this, background, information, about, where I am coming from, in both my attitudes and actions, will come to bear when I describe the incident with another neighbor, which just happened, that raised my blood pressure, and pissed me off.
The local-- and national-- news, reported for, at least, the last full week, that this area of the country, was about to get a, significant, winter storm. Something that the people, in this part, of the country, are not used to seeing, or dealing with. It was covered from every conceivable angle, for several days. When it was coming, what was coming, what to do, and, not to do, before, during, and after, it arrived. I moved here from Omaha where winter storms are a normal, and expected, part of living there, so I am already well-versed in the survival skills and conventional wisdom on how to hunker down and get through it, as well as possible. The news reports got more specific, and detailed, as the storm approached, so no one here had any real excuse for not knowing what to do once this thing hit. The residents were told, to get groceries ahead of the storm, not to use, generators, indoors, in a power outage, and anything, and everything, else, they could, possibly, need to know, to prepare for this situation. The TV news anchors and weather forecasters told their viewers things like, "There is a massive winter storm on the way, with 5 states declaring states of emergency (one of which is ours, according to the map, that accompanied this report)", and "Duke Energy estimating 750,000 customers could lose power at some point due to the winter storm". The TV screen began to have the banner crawling across it, with all the current information, closures, and such, as we entered the Winter Storm Warning. People told me when I came here that we would be lucky to even see snow here, at all, and if we did, it would likely be just a dusting that would vanish as quickly as it came. This, was not that! This was a bigger deal; but, the news media did an over-the-top job of educating folks about what to expect, and what to do. As the big storm began to arrive, they told people, "Unless it's an emergency, don't go out in it. Just stay home." Forecasters said that it wasn't just snow, coming, but sleet, and freezing rain, as well. The ice was making travel, especially, dangerous, they warned, as they added full-length, emergency newscasts to their programming to keep everyone very well-informed.
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U.S. sets somber record as Covid deaths surpass 800,000, more than any other country
Of course, that wasn't all they reported on though. Along with this information we were also told that the, highly contagious, Omicron variant, of Covid, was causing the current cases to hit new record highs, and that, we should each do all that we can to help the burned-out medical workers and the overwhelmed hospitals by not getting ourselves in a situation where we would need to be seen for some medical condition, or weather-related injury. Although, most people in this area behave as if there is no pandemic going on, including those who have already had it, at least once, articles like this are being published and posted all over social media and on news outlet's websites: U.S. sets somber record as Covid deaths surpass 800,000, more than any other country (msn.com) The news reads like "Jan. 16 (UPI) -- The United States has surpassed 850,000 total COVID-19 deaths just one month after reporting 800,000 fatalities related to the virus according to current data released Sunday. Data, collected by Johns Hopkins University, shows that the United States has reported 850,247 COVID-19 deaths since the start of the pandemic along with 65,404,580 infections, with a seven-day average, of more than 800,000 new daily cases nationwide amid the presence of the Omicron variant." Some, of the people, who have had Covid, have gotten it, again, and those who are vaccinated, can still experience breakthrough cases of Covid. The current Omicron variant is especially contagious. This has been widely reported, for weeks, now, if not longer. I take all this very seriously, and have told people-- anyone, and everyone, that, I have had to deal with, since the pandemic first started-- that I take all possible precautions. My landlord, in Omaha, delivery drivers, neighbors, contractors that came to work on some issues with my new house, postal employees, the medical personnel who have given me my 2 Covid-19 vaccinations. I think that there must be something, about, how I look, or come across, to people, that, for some reason, causes them to not take me seriously, when I am being very serious. Sometimes, it just seems like people simply don't think that I mean what I say, which is, really annoying, to me. I don't talk just to hear myself make noise! I say what I mean, as clearly as I can, and I mean what I say! So, I just don't get the disconnect, between that and how people respond and behave toward me, that conveys my communication isn't regarded or remembered by them. This troubles me. Alot. I feel disrespected, too.
I know that I am an unusual person. The assumption, especially about females, is that, we want to be, loved, liked, cared about, more than anything, and will make great sacrifices, to have that, from people. That is not true, of me. I don't care so much about who loves or likes me or cares about me, especially if they expect me to suppress who I am, and what I feel, in order to have that, from them. If I can't BE 'me', then it wouldn't BE 'me' that they would be loving, liking or caring about, anyway! I read once that, insecurity asks, "Do they like me?" but confidence asks, "Do I like them?" I have that, latter, viewpoint. I do, want people, I love, like, and care about, in my life, but the bottom line, is that, I don't need people, enough to twist myself into a knot, and deny who I truly am, in order to get that from them. I would much rather be respected than loved, if I have to choose. My personal pet peeve is someone disrespecting me. That'll damage or end a relationship with me.Whether it was my sister, Pam, pitching a pure hissy fit, when she visited my new home for the second (and final) visit, on 9-11, of last year, when I began to share with her in a calm, but direct, discussion, how she could behave more respectfully and supportive toward me versus her habit of criticizing and invalidating my views and feelings about things going on in my own life, that I shared with her (after I'd said to her, during her first visit, on August 20-21 of last year, due to her, hostility, and haughtiness, toward me, "DO NOT DISRESPECT ME! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT."), or a neighbor, whom I have repeatedly told, I have allergies and asthma, but they keep blowing their cigarette smoke in my face, I cannot fathom what causes them to continue treating me in the very same ways that I am protesting. To me that is extremely disrespectful. It's one thing if they've never been told by me, but when they have been told, and yet they continue to ignore or override my wishes about it, with that affecting, my life, my health, my safety, my peace, in some way, then I start to feel, really pissed off, about it. I live my life as a loner, for the most part, and the primary reason for this is that, I find human beings to be much more of a hassle and heartache than a source of help or happiness, for me. My experiences, with other people, over my lifetime, have left me burned out, and burdened, worn out, and wary, sad, and skeptical, angry, and apathetic. If I avoid, dealing directly with people, I don't have to deal (at least directly) with their BULLCRAP in my life.
My life experience has taught me that, they 'drain my tank', more than they fill it. I just can't afford to feel that depleted, anymore, by interacting with other people, now that I am almost 66 and my daily supply of stamina is not what it used to be. It, NEVER WAS WORTH IT, before. It is, ESPECIALLY, NOT WORTH IT, to me, NOW. I honestly try, to be as caring and conversant as I can, when I am forced to speak to others, but they usually take that for granted as their due, and don't realize it's quite a huge sacrifice, often, of my own peace of mind, that I am making for their benefit, when I engage in interactions with them. They expect my graciousness in every encounter, irrespective of, my previously expressed preferences. What I tell them I need, is not taken into account, if it isn't in line with what they want to do. This is especially distressing to me when I can SEE that, they are REALLY TRYING, in their own way, to be nice, to me, by whatever they are saying or doing, when it is, actually, showing me, complete disregard, and disrespect, if it goes against the boundaries that I expressed, to them, that I need in place-- particularly for health and safety reasons. That is when their 'niceties' lose alot of, or all, points with me. I hate, being blamed, for being an 'ingrate', when, for whatever reasons, I have to restate and reassert my needs and boundaries, with them, again, while they glare at me as if I'm the wicked witch of the west and say indignantly, "I was just trying to be NICE!" That may very well be, but there is a saying that is also applicable to such interactions, between people: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Friday, I contacted the property manager, by email, asking, if he could tell me, or show me, where, my main water shutoff valve is, to my new house, in case pipes should burst, during the approaching winter storm (which began Saturday night); along with some other concerns, that I had backlogged, because I put off dealing with people as much, and as long, as I can, anymore. He wanted to show me the neighbor's valve, when he came over, because my neighbor had frozen pipes, the day before, and the storm wasn't even here yet, making me feel anxious that his pipes could burst, and potentially, cause damage to my home, next-door. I didn't want to become responsible for touching this neighbor's fixtures, though, due to, possible, liability, issues if I should do something wrong involving his home; so, I refused, to involve myself, with that. The property manager-- a busy man!-- left, without, showing me the cutoff valve for MY house, though. So, I considered that interaction to be a waste of, both, of, our valuable time. After several phone calls back and forth, following that, with him asking me, to hold, while he was tied up, with other things he was taking care of, then not returning to the phone for such extended times that I finally had to hang up, he, unexpectedly, showed up again, scaring me, by suddenly banging on the window, at the side of my house, when I had no idea he was even back, or that it was him, doing that out there. I was left feeling a bit jumpy, by his doing that, although, at least he showed me the valve; telling me how to work it if an emergency did arise. I try to, proactively, prepare. When I moved here, I discovered that, there was mold growing in my newly-built house, which the warranty doesn't cover even though it's brand new. I have been slowly trying to address the fix for that, myself, after I pressed the point with the man who sold it to me, but the two things that were done to address it, by them, were to send someone to spray it with something (but it continued to spread due to its origin being along a recessed door which they didn't remove to access that) and send a company contractor of theirs who did remove the mold-damaged door and also sprayed (though it continued to grow into the drywall, at that point) and stuffed some insulation into the still-wet area where the problem originated which kept the moisture trapped that had created the conditions for mold forming in the first place. I asked him, that day, what he had done, there (below my house, in a crawlspace) and what he told me, to my face, turned out to be an outright lie. He even admitted that to me, when I confronted him, about it, later, after I hired my own contractor as a follow-up, who initially did a free inspection, for me, and they took video and photographs, documenting what they found. It was, disheartening, to not only have mold, in a brand-new house, that had already damaged it, but to have it spread, with 'band-aid' solutions, and lies, being offered as 'fixes', while, I was having allergic reactions, and asthma attacks (and finally, an anxiety attack), because, of this issue. It was enormously stressful for me. It was also clear to me that the problem was not seriously being addressed and alleviated; which is when I took matters into my own hands, as the homeowner, and began trying to pay to get it fixed, correctly, myself, while, navigating, the risks, of being around people, in my own home, during this Covid-19 epidemic. I have only lived here 5 months!
As I am writing this, I am only halfway through the needed repairs and mitigation measures that I have had to deal with due to the mold issue, that was created by water and moisture problems. I have spent $2,000.00 of my own money on it, so far, which took me down to a near-0 bank balance, at that point, since, I had just paid for a new house, and an expensive move to come live in it. While waiting for this current, extra-contagious, Omicron variant wave, of the coronavirus to end, I have been trying to recover some, financially, by saving some money. The budget will only be strained again, even more, when I am able to resume paying my own contractors to restore my home to as good a condition as possible, at some point. Between trying to budget for the unexpected 'emergency' expense from that, and decide when it's safe, to risk, having contractors come back into my home when I am doing all I can to stay away from people during this pandemic, I was, already, stressed before the weather reports started saying an unusually big storm for this area was headed our way, and warning us of the potential for power outages, and broken water pipes. The last thing I need is any more water-related issues to deal with, or having to hire contractors, to do, even more, repairs on my new house! I haven't gotten through the first round, of all that, yet! This explains some, not all, of the reasons that my blood pressure was rising higher and higher, as I asked for the property manager to show me the main water shutoff valve to my house (and I was nervous about my next-door neighbor's frozen pipe-issue he had just before the storm hit here). We were actually on a phone call discussing it, when this man suddenly banged sharply on the window outside, frightening me! He had not used the phone, in his other hand, which he was talking to me on at that very moment, to simply tell me that he was back, and standing outside of my house. I was glad, for his help, but, any extra stress, in my life, is just not something I need, now. It mattered to me, to proactively learn where the valve was, before the unusual-for-this-area storm arrived, because, it wouldn't help much, to wait, until after, a pipe broke, during the approaching extreme winter weather conditions, and then, have NO idea WHAT to DO; and possibly, be unable to reach anyone, at that point, who could come out, in the bad weather, and help me in that emergency situation. The newscasts were telling people to stay off the roads altogether when the storm hit.
There have been, and still are, other challenges, to my being a new homeowner. I have felt fairly stressed, fairly often, as I grow into this, new, role. It is a different lifestyle, for me, than I have ever experienced before. It has extra responsibilities, and liabilities (including, legal, ones); some of which, I am, still, unaware of, I am sure. I feel, especially, vulnerable since my savings 'cushion' was used for hiring a contractor to begin to address the structural problems with my house due to mold and moisture issues, that were here to greet me as an unwelcome 'Welcome Gift', when I arrived. This is, still, a MUCH BETTER LIFESTYLE for ME than what I had to deal with as an apartment tenant, renting from a jerk landlord. This house is, still, so pretty and enjoyable, in many ways, and the lifestyle is more of what I needed, to soothe my soul, in that, I am surrounded by nature, now, rather than concrete, and crowds, sirens and stressful city-living. But, suffice it to say that, at this point in my life, and my experiences with people overall, I prefer to be left alone for the most part. I have been, conditioned, by what people put me through, to see them as being treacherous creatures who are more than willing to victimize me in some way, and are far more likely to leave me disappointed, let down, or with an added problem that I didn't have, before their presence in my life, than to be a source of happiness, joy, safety, security, peace or blessings. My Life Lessons have hurt me.
In between the property manager's coming, and leaving, without showing me my water shutoff valve, and then coming back later, unexpectedly, to finally show me where it was, along with the long hold times I endured, on several phone calls, to try, to coordinate, his schedule with my needs, questions, and concerns, I started to get a headache-- the type that I have learned I get when my blood pressure is spiking upward. Sure enough, as I put the cuff on my arm, to take a reading, my blood pressure was high. When, I get so stressed, that it goes up, like that, it can sometimes take days for me to get it down to safe levels again; especially, during cold weather. I was already feeling extremely anxious about the fact that this was going to be the first, severe, storm that my home was going to go through. I was also concerned by the weather forecasters warning that there was no way around the fact that it would, definitely, produce power outages (which happened but not here this time; thank God!). Before, I left Omaha, last summer, we had a several-days-long power outage, in the hot weather, which, spoiled hundreds of dollars of food, that I had just bought to have for the entire month. I had to throw ALL of it away and buy it again, which was a huge blow to my budget. Then, after I moved here, we had a power outage, that lasted only a few hours. But, when, an outage happens, you just don't know, at the time, HOW LONG it WILL LAST, making that, very, anxiety-provoking. I'd told the property manager that, I planned to stay up, through the night, on Saturday, to do all that I knew to do, to help keep my pipes from freezing, and/or bursting. So, I knew, that by Sunday, I would be very tired.
He also, didn't wear a mask, when he came to show me the valve, although, he is someone who has, normally, been extra considerate, about my wanting to socially distance, etc. So, when he was showing me, I asked him to keep a good distance, from me, because, Omicron, is, especially, contagious. I have masks, but they are telling us now that most of these masks that we are using aren't effective, against preventing Omicron, and I don't have the, recommended, N95, mask, or such, for that; only the, papery, surgical masks, and the cloth masks, to layer. I wear, both, at once, usually, whenever I have to be around people. Just ONE breath, could be the death of me, if someone I am close to is contagious, with Covid. That singular fact is the main driver of my determination to avoid other people at all costs; and even more, than I normally used to, prior to the pandemic. It is stressful to know that, one, careless, interaction, could be, the death of me! Or, if not death, cause me to be hospitalized, in some horrible fight, for my breath, and my life, that, if I survived, could leave me suffering symptoms of Long Covid, and struggling, on a, modest, fixed, monthly, income to pay off my part of a huge medical bill, since no insurance coverage pays for all of that. Healthcare in the U.S. is extremely costly! I have become, more, and more, of a 'better safe, than sorry' girl, as life goes on. If I let people get close to me, and I do not advocate for myself or protect myself, and they are not, taking Covid-19 seriously, as I am, then, I risk allowing them to harm my health, and possibly, cost me my life. Covid-19 is nothing to take lightly.
I was grateful for being shown the water shutoff valve, although, I ended up with elevated blood pressure, and a near-anxiety attack, before all the back-and-forth was done between me and the property manager; such as, him saying to me, he would do something to my new house if it was what I wanted even though it was the wrong thing for it, to which I said, 'How is that helpful, if you're teaching me, what is best for me as a new homeowner, but then you say, you will do whatever, when you know that I'm on a big learning curve, with all of this, and I often don't KNOW, what is BEST, for the house?' I didn't bother to detail alot of it, here. Even though, he sometimes is, not so good for my stress level, he is not someone that I am referring to in this post, as seeming to be 'stuck on stupid'. (He's shown me care and concern, including when, I had a full-on anxiety attack, once; and made me smile and laugh in spite of my being really stressed at times, which helps me, alot!) I am saying, other, people, seem to be stuck on stupid, like, some people, I heard about, on the, local, newscasts, today, as it related to the storm; which did finally arrive here, late, Saturday night, and went on throughout much of Sunday. As sweet as she is, I am also referring to one of my neighbors here, too. She was well-intentioned. I am certain, of that! She is such a nice person. Probably, in her 70s now, at least. However, she 'officially' earned her way into my viewing her as being somewhat stuck on stupid, due to what seemed, to me, to be her complete thoughtlessness, and utter disregard, for either, my safety, or her own, with what she did, in the midst of the slick snow and sleet that was just dumped on us. The news reports said, we got 9.5" of assorted types of frozen precipitation, this time.
I had told the property manager that I would be staying up all night, on Saturday night, into Sunday, to help my house not to have pipes bursting in the cold winter storm. The high risk of a power outage greatly added to my stress level, because there would be no hot water and no heat in the house, to help warm the pipes, if that happened. It made for a long, and anxious, night, for me. I had not felt well, either, after my blood pressure went up because of the stress of trying to get the information I needed, to prepare myself, to protect my new home, on top of that. By the time Sunday came, and there was an end in sight, for the storm, mid-day, I finally laid down to sleep. I wasn't asleep more than an hour or so when I woke, because, I thought, I heard a knocking, at my door. I got up, got dressed quickly, and looked out the front door, but I didn't see anyone. Just, the fairly deep snow, everywhere, through my tired eyes. I felt edgy, now, and, being awake made me aware again of my needing to try to keep the pipes warm, still, as the wind gusts were strong, at the time, adding to the wind chill, in the air, and the temperature never got above freezing, the entire day. So, with almost no sleep, I decided that I would begin working on this blog post. I was concerned that, with the threat, of power outages, I wouldn't be able to get this post composed, on my computer, or even get it online, on time, if the power went out at any time during the storm or its aftermath. I was tired. I was stressed. I was worried. Trying to make the best of a bad situation, that was largely out of my control, I comforted myself that, at least, I would have a calm, quiet, day to myself, inside my house, because of the storm outside. All the newscasts were telling people, not to go out in it, unless, it was a true emergency. I had my shades shut to help keep the cold out, and I felt the luxury of pure privacy for a change as I sat down at my computer to work on this post. The houses here are extremely close together, so even when I'm inside my own home I often have no real privacy, if the shades are open and people are out and about. With only the hour or so of sleep in the last 24 hours, I had barely begun to work on this post, when I thought I heard a knock at my front door, as I had thought I heard earlier when I was asleep, and which, woke me up, after only about an hour and a half, leaving me feeling frustrated, and short-tempered, from fatigue. I hoped it was just the wind or the weather as I wearily got up to go look.
Going over to the door, I opened the shade, taking care not to open the door, and let the heat out, which was protecting my pipes. I have, already, had to deal with finding, and hiring, contractors for the, necessary, repair projects which I had not expected with a, brand-new, house, that I have only lived in for 5 months, so far. It is an extra expense that I had not foreseen, this soon into being a homeowner, and I wasn't financially prepared for that to happen so early on. Strained, by this, financially, it just makes sense, to me, to do all that I can, to avoid having, more, home projects, to have to budget for. I, also, want to stay well! Medical expenses can bankrupt people, because the cost of a simple band-aid can cost hundreds in a hospital setting! It really is outrageous. Newscasts have been saying that Covid cases are rising right now; "skyrocketing", with doctors they interview saying it is 'a war zone' with ZERO ICU beds available, and their patients being treated in the hallways. I'm doing all that I can to never have to go through such a truly terrible experience-- physically, or financially! I have conscientiously let everyone, I come anywhere near, know, that I am, self-quarantining, social distancing, and all other protective and preventive measures that are recommended, to avoid catching the Covid-19 virus. No one's going to advocate for, and protect, my health, more than me. But, when I consistently let other people know that I take this pandemic very seriously, they really have no choice, but to comply, with the protective measures, or stay away from me, altogether. After all, I am staying away from all of them, in my own house, which protects them as much as it does me. There really isn't any, totally safe, middle ground, with that. As it was, about a week before Christmas a neighbor lady had knocked on my door, and although, I resented, the visit, due to my having already told her that I'm isolating all I can during this pandemic, it was the holidays, so I went beyond, what I felt comfortable, risking, to talk with her at my door, for a bit. She was the only person I was anywhere, physically, close to in that timeframe. I caught a cold, just after that, although, other than talking to her I had stayed closed in my own home, all alone, with no other people around me. I had to have caught that, viral, respiratory illness during my close exposure to her.
I was, sniffling, sneezing, and run down-- throughout the entire Christmas week-- due to catching cold. It really negatively impacted my holiday enjoyment, as I had to constantly address my symptoms, day and night, for about a week and a half. I was scared, too, because they were just reporting, then, that the Omicron variant of Covid could be mistaken for a cold, in some people, and I did not have a test to take; nor was I willing to venture out anywhere, with the news reporting Omicron was rampantly spreading everywhere and was by far the most easily caught strain of Covid, so far. Sure, she was 'just trying to be nice'; and feeling more, obligated, than friendly, when she showed up, at my door, while I was trying my very best to avoid all other people (which I had told this woman; more than once), I, also, was 'just trying to be nice'. I got sick, though, after that, and almost certainly because of that-- which I really resented. WE ARE IN A RAGING PANDEMIC! I DON'T NEED PEOPLE COMING TO MY HOME, WHERE I AM TRYING TO ISOLATE, TO CHAT WITH ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaggghh!!! She could surely see the fear, in my eyes! She told me how she had just had a mini stroke. She is an older woman who is therefore more vulnerable and at risk, for many illnesses and injuries, now. She had previously had a car accident, shortly after moving here (which was after I had moved here) because she wasn't paying proper attention and had also been following too closely apparently, so when a truck stopped suddenly in front of her, she had rear-ended them, and had to get her car towed. The tow truck driver was the one who dropped her off at her house, which is, just across from mine. She is exposed to strangers, in that way, when transmission of Covid is high everywhere right now, and even more so here than many places, because almost no one here wears masks and/or follows the protective protocols. She also constantly goes out in public, to go shopping, and such. She makes the choice to do these things, that could lead to, her catching Covid-- especially, as it is spreading, so fast, right now, with a record number of cases. The national news reported tonight that 99% of all counties, in the U.S., are reporting, increased, or record, numbers, of Covid cases.
I appreciate that this neighbor does wear a mask lately, when she decides to show up on my porch to 'visit', for no real reason. Clearly, that is on my behalf, because I never see her wearing one, around here, otherwise, even as she is talking to the other neighbors, on our street. At least, whenever, I see her. People can get Covid and not have symptoms. The news has frequently reported recently that someone comes to the hospital for a completely unrelated reason only to be surprised when they are also diagnosed with Covid-19, when tested. When she decides to pay me these visits-- that I would really rather she not do, in the first place-- even though there is a mask barrier, hers was loose, and kept falling below her nose, which she kept pulling back up, over and over and over again. I have papery surgical masks, and cloth masks, to layer over that, but N95 and other such medical-grade masks are now being recommended for use, instead, because Omicron's so contagious it is causing alot of breakthrough cases, even when people are fully vaccinated, and are wearing masks and such. I can't get my booster until Spring. I've had both of the Pfizer shots, last year, and that, is all; aside from, my, isolating, masking, etc. This neighbor woman, or anyone else around here, has every right to choose how much they do, or don't, take risks, with their health. But, she doesn't have a right to bring those risks, that she takes, with her health, to my door-- especially for no good reason-- and, by doing so, put my health, safety, and even my life, at risk of serious illness, or death, should she spread Covid, by engaging in risky behaviors!
On this snowy day, when I was stressed and sleepy, and wanted and needed to be left alone, I looked out the shade, thinking that, surely, in this weather, I wouldn't actually see someone standing there, intruding in my life at a moment when I felt least willing, or able, to deal with that, I saw the neighbor woman from across the street! Although, she's not been the only one, doing this, despite, my telling them all that I am trying to stay quarantined, I was not happy to see someone standing there, at all, regardless of who it was, or why. I felt bewildered, angry, concerned, stressed, because she had made this trek, across the slick, snowy, street, climbed my not-swept-or-shoveled steps, walked onto my, mostly snow-covered, porch, in her bathrobe, and she is, at least, in her 70s. My eyebrows, arched sharply, into a look of absolute incredulity, as I stared through the glass, at her. Was there, some EMERGENCY, I wondered, as I looked, at her, through the window, with my face in a frown, as I mentally calculated how much risk to my own health and safety, this woman posed for me, in this moment, that I so wished, she wasn't standing here, uninvited, and unwanted, at my door, in this storm. I had checked online, to see if there was a, legal, resident requirement, to shovel snow off of my front steps and porch leading to my door, and there was nothing listed, for this area; likely due to this type of weather occurring so seldom here. When I lived in Omaha, there were laws, that sidewalks, steps, and so forth, had to be cleared, of snow or ice, within a short span of time, after, the precipitation had finally stopped falling. Even so, a maintenance man, or even the landlord, at times, took care of doing that, when I lived in apartments, back in Nebraska. It was something that, I never had to deal with, myself, which, is why, I do not own a snow shovel, so far. No one, including, me, thought I would ever have any real need, for one, here in this southern state.
I was TIRED. I didn't WANT to HAVE TO DEAL WITH this 'visit' from this woman. I just stood there, not even bothering to grab my masks, by the door. I did nothing to indicate that I was going to open the door because I had no intention of it. Had I had my masks on they would have hidden, half of, my facial expression. I didn't try, to hide my annoyance, this time, though; with a mask or anything else. I just stood there while my soul silently screamed within me, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!?" Despite the fact that, I prefer my own company, to that of most, of the people, I have encountered and interacted with, in my life, I have not been a bad neighbor, nor have I been, uncaring, toward them, or particularly unfriendly, even though, out of eventual desperation, I have become much more direct with them, at times, such as, when they violate my boundaries, a few too many times for me to hold my tongue, or my temper, about it, at that point. To my mind, this woman was doing that now, even though, as we all know (LET'S ALL SAY IT TOGETHER!), she was 'just being nice'; in her own mind, at least. >sigh!< She was standing on my porch, in her bathrobe, holding a plastic container with some baked good in it. I don't want to LOSE MY LIFE, taking a COOKIE, BUN, or PIECE OF CAKE from the hand of someone that in no way lives by the very restrictive safety measures that I do during this pandemic. That may sound like I am just being dramatic, or even extreme, but I've never heard anyone sound less than surprised and often scared when they come down with Covid, in the midst of whatever way they had decided they were going to navigate the landscape of living in these times. NO ONE has a right to make those decisions FOR ME by PUTTING ME AT RISK-- especially, when it isn't necessary to do so; such as, to bring over some baked item in a container!
That isn't even all, there was, to it, though. I haven't even gotten to the part of it, where, I describe WHY, to me, I view this well-meaning woman as being, stuck on stupid, to a large extent. It is ALSO the reason that I didn't hide my ANGER at her in my facial expression. She has not lived here, more than a couple of months, so far. In that time-- this very short time, that I've known her-- her carelessness has caused a serious car accident, and, this same, carelessness, could well lead to her catching Covid. She continually lets her dog run loose outside, without a leash, to poop where she pleases (the dog, not the woman), which this woman doesn't pick up, and dispose of properly, then-- ALL in VIOLATION of COMMUNITY POLICY. She has allowed that to occur in MY yard as well ever since she first moved here. I did politely, but clearly, discuss it with her when I first saw that, but she simply chose to ignore what I said while doing as she pleased. I have to be mindful, every time I'm walking outside of my house, now, to avoid getting a shoe sole full of dogshit. After all, I would have to clean it up if it happened even though I am not at fault! Yet, I KNOW, that if I, openly criticized her, for doing this, I would be made out to be the villain in the situation because 'She is such a sweet old lady'. Even though, SHE is the one, VIOLATING the rules, which is negatively impacting me, and I am NOT, violating, the rules. This, kind of person, and situation, really, frustrates me!
That brings me to the reason that I felt, and looked, so angry, with her, when she chose dangerous weather conditions to decide to come over to my house, the day of the snowstorm we just had here. Normally I tend to stuff my emotions down in me, and not express alot of them-- especially toward people that are perpetrators of something that is upsetting to me, in some way. That is a, coping, tactic, that I learned, growing up in my dysfunctional family of origin; and it does not serve me well; at all. In my experience, avoiding direct discussion, and coddling people who are doing something that goes against my comfort level, values, or boundaries, in order to avoid confrontation, usually means, the relationship will still be damaged, by the stress, and resentment, I feel toward them, for whatever that is; and it will often, eventually, blow up, anyway, with me saying something, in anger, that they did not see coming, because, to them (since, I was 'stuffing' my feelings, and not, speaking them, out loud), whatever it was, that I just blew up at them about, had 'never bothered me, before' (even though, it did; it REALLY did). Although, it isn't healthy, for me, to keep my feelings, bottled up, inside, when something is, really bothering me, I have also learned that, even if I speak up about the situation in a conversational, rather than, confrontational, way, the recipient, often, still doesn't receive it well, regardless; and treat me as if I had no right to bring it up to them. What this means is that I can choose to either be mistreated, or blamed, by them.
Human relationships, feel like, a minefield, of mutual missteps. Even when I show them, great acceptance, respectfulness, caring and friendliness, often well beyond what I truly feel, toward them; just in trying to, treat others, as I would like to be treated-- which is the adage that we are told to live our lives by. But, the moment I ask even the smallest thing, of them, that, I need, their, respectfulness, for, they often, either completely disregard my request or expressed need, or they get mad at me for-- finally-- saying something directly to them about it, which made them, accountable, by the fact that, they have, now, been told by me directly, that I feel disrespected by their behavior. These, people, really, already, knew that, before, I said anything to them about it; and neither then, nor now, do they want to bother with, changing, their, attitude, or behavior, that's been, negatively affecting me. It isn't THEIR problem, they feel-- it's MY problem, because, I am the one, suffering, from, and disliking, their attitude or behavior. They are not experiencing being the victim, of, whatever, it is, as I am. It is SO FRUSTRATING to me, that I was taught to treat other people like I want to be treated, by them, but, when I do, they revel in that, enjoying being treated so well, but don't reciprocate it in kind, toward me. This isn't always the case, but, sadly, it is often the case, when I deal with people.
As a result of how difficult it is for me to deal with people, in my private life, I feel like, they are, little more than a liability, for me, and I try to avoid them, as much, as I can, to, in effect, cut my losses. Because of, my deep aversion to dealing with other human beings, generally speaking, you may be surprised, by the fact that, I received a great many-- a very notable amount!-- of Customer Service Excellence recognitions, during the years that I worked in retail sales, following my career as a dancer; when that was finally forced to come to an end. This principle that I am talking about here of just treating people the way that I would want to be treated worked extremely well in that career field and was the sole reason for the success I had in sales and service to the public. It has just never worked well, at all, in my personal relationships. Those that I have much more at stake in personally. Those that matter, the most, in my life. I don't know why, it works so well, with people I don't know, but not well with those that I am around, and interact with, regularly. Could it be because as customers reciprocation is not expected of them in return? I'm shrugging my shoulders as I write this and ponder it. Perhaps it is like the old saying goes, 'Familiarity breeds contempt.' Humans, do seem to, take for granted, disrespect, even mistreat, or abuse, those that they are closest to, emotionally, or even, geographically, and/or care, the most, about, or are, socially, invested, in. I know, there are exceptions to this, but that has been my experience in life-- that, the relationships that should, by all rights, be the most, mutually, respectful ones, whether, it's been, family, a significant other, like a lover or spouse, or neighbors, have not been very reciprocal, responsive or respectful. I avoid relationships now, as much, as I can, while still trying to be, as pleasant, as possible, on the surface. For me, people have proved to be more trouble than they're worth. I see them as a problem more than as a blessing. I'm a product of my Life Lessons good or bad.
The neighbor woman, in her 70s, who told me that, she had suffered a stroke, as recently as last month, was seen as a source of stress, by me, this past weekend, on that day of the snowstorm here. It was alot for this area. She had moved here from the coast. I have no idea if she's ever lived around or been exposed to snow to know how to deal with it, wisely, and safely. I also know her to be careless. So, when she suddenly showed up, ON MY FRONT PORCH, in the middle of weather, I wasn't even going out in (and I came here from Nebraska, where, we are used to severe winter weather), apparently just to bring me some singular sweet (which I didn't want, and didn't take, from her, due to the possibility of the transfer of cold germs, from her, again, if not worse viral pathogens), I felt ANGRY, about it. I am self-isolating, to literally try to save my life, in this pandemic; bottom line. She is, continually, out and about in public, and interacting with others; often unmasked. Omicron, is currently rampant, and highly contagious, even causing breakthrough cases in vaxed people. Record numbers of Covid-19 cases are happening, all over.
>sigh!<
I don't need, someone, coming to my door, short of, an actual EMERGENCY. If she had slipped on, my, snow-covered steps, climbing, up to, or down from, my porch, it would have caused me to be put at risk, of illness, or injury, or both. I could not have simply, left her there, injured, if that had happened, while, she was, taking it upon herself, unbeknownst to me, to take that big of a risk, with, her own, health, and safety, just to walk over, with some, small baked item, during, a winter snow, sleet, and ice, storm. SHE MADE ME RESPONSIBLE FOR HER SAFETY by her doing that, and SHE PUT MY SAFETY AT RISK, by doing that, as well. It was stupid, and, actually, selfish, of her, to put me in that position, where, I would have had to risk my own health and safety at almost 66 years of age, to go outside and try to help her, if something, bad, had happened on my porch, my stairs, or my lot . . . . She may have THOUGHT, she was 'just being nice', but, given her age, her health, the pandemic, and the snowstorm, it was NOT nice, of her, to put ME, squarely, in the middle, of such, a foolish risk, as that, and for such a silly reason. I told her when she came to my door at Christmas, that I stay well-stocked, by ordering all I need online, to be delivered, for the most part, and that I am not wanting to take risks, by bringing any unneeded or unwanted items into my home, that others bring by.
When I spent a week and a half or so feeling like I had a cold, through Christmas, I DID wonder, if I had ACTUALLY been, exposed to, and gotten, a, milder, case, of Omicron (since I am vaccinated). Whatever it was, this same woman was the only person I had compromised my isolation for, by allowing her around me, when she came to my door that other time in December. This second time in January, I was NOT DOING IT AGAIN! I let her SEE my face looking annoyed, and even angry, at her. I wasn't going to 'just be nice' and act like it didn't upset me. After all when I let her know that her behavior of letting her dog roam around anywhere and poop in my yard was something that, should not, be going on, and was actually against community policy, but I stated it firmly WITHOUT letting her see how much it was really pissing me off, at her, she apparently thought it didn't bother me that badly and she kept allowing it to continue; disregarding the rules and disrespecting me. That, told me alot, about how selfish, she actually was, underneath, 'being a nice person'. (It isn't, just her. Alot, of people, are like that. It's a pet peeve, of mine.)
By 'stuffing' my truest, deepest, feelings, about her 'bad' behaviors, I seemed, to her, to actually be accepting of them; and that only reinforced the very behaviors that I need her to STOP DOING. I was not making it CLEAR enough, to her, that I DO NOT APPROVE of her behavior. There's a saying that WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US. We, also, have to pick our battles, wisely, and then be very CLEAR. By not doing so we encourage the troubling behaviors to be repeated or continue.
Perhaps, it was due to, my being, extremely tired; therefore operating on, a short fuse, and resenting her interrupting my attempt to sleep and invading my privacy, but, she SAW, on my face, through the glass, as I refused, to even open the door, that I WAS NOT HAPPY WITH HER BEHAVIOR. I openly scowled at her, waved my arms indicating NO, and raised my voice at her so she could hear me through the glass, that I DID NOT WANT THE 'BAKED GOOD', because, I AM QUARANTINING! Then, I shut the shade, waited, a moment, for her to GO AWAY, and then, feeling the resentment from her burdening ME with HER SAFETY AND WELL-BEING when I was desperately TRYING to STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE and PROTECT MY OWN, I opened the shade again, just long enough, to watch her, struggle, back down the snow-covered stairs, and shuffle safely, back over to her own house. If she'd had another stroke, out in that cold, or fallen, and broken a hip, or an arm, or, in any way, had needed help, or rescue, out in that weather, because of her stupid stunt of walking over to my house in that weather just to bring some bun I would have felt FORCED, to RISK, MY OWN HEALTH, SAFETY, AND, LIFE, as, ALSO, a SENIOR CITIZEN, who is also only about half her weight. Picture it, to know what I mean. If she fell, outside my house, and started crying out, how would it have looked, if I didn't go out and help her, even though I would then be risking injury myself, or possibly, another, viral cold, or even Covid, in the process of that. Her, 'just being nice' was shortsighted, and selfish, in light of the great potential for harm to both of us by her doing that. It REALLY PISSED ME OFF, and THIS time I let her SEE it.
