I'm Longing For Peace In Turbulent Times

These are turbulent times.

Upheaval, and uncertainty, and strife, seem to be everywhere. There's simply no escaping it anymore, as much as I would like to because I'm burned out by it all. More than anything in the world I would just like to have some real PEACE in my life. That precious privilege has eluded me for most of my life. I burst into tears, today, from feeling totally tired of trying to attain that, because it just seems so, impossible, to me, now, to either find it or keep it. It seems like such a waste of my limited energy to expend the effort to even try to find it or have it. It seems pointless to me to try to get there, from where I am, mentally, and emotionally, almost all the time, anymore. I feel so depleted, even drained dry, at this point, from trying so hard for so long to achieve even a miniscule measure of peace. I just teared up, again, typing that sentence. I am struggling to see my computer screen and keyboard, through my eyes filling with tears, which are now trickling down my cheeks. I have longed for loving relationships my whole life because of coming from a family that was not affectionate, or even particularly affirming. It left me with such a hunger in my soul, to know what the warmth and joy of that would be like; and I am far from the only one. This is such a love-starved world.

Bars exist because people are seeking some peace of mind. There may be longing for love involved, or many other reasons, that patrons come through the doors of those establishments, including, a craving for some excitement, of some sort. But when it is all said and done, if they achieve their goal, whatever that is, they gain some peace of mind. At least, for awhile, and, usually, ahead, of any hangover, or regret sinking in. Churches exist because of people wanting to find some peace of mind. 'Comfort food'* is called that because it brings people peace of mind. When someone inflicts self-harm by cutting themselves, they do it to distract them from mental or emotional anguish, in order to obtain even temporary peace, by feeling some relief, in their troubled soul, despite it being a desperate, and dysfunctional, act, on their part, which has no positive, long term, benefits, for their overall well-being. Whether we're seeking peace through relationships, food, some sort of self-harm, reassurances about eternity, or a lot of other things, what we are craving is that peace. How can anyone possibly find, and hold on to, pervasive or permanent peace, while living life on this planet, that's becoming more turbulent all the time?

The Bible has many verses that say it is indeed possible to live and walk in peace while being on this planet. I have never found any way to do that for longer than mere moments, though, all things taken into account about my life with all of its heartbreak, deprivation, terror, and trauma. Having a deep and profound faith in God and His Grace and Mercy has helped me to have the moments of peace, that  I cling to as my strong, sure foundation as I go about living life in this constantly convulsing world, but it doesn't shut out all the sadness and strife that affect me so deeply, which come from the conflict and chaos, that pervade the planet, now.  I can barely stand to watch the news anymore because it is so anxiety-producing for me. Everything seems to be experiencing a constant crisis: shockingly severe weather events, that many say are due to global warming approaching a point of no return, important elections which will have an impact on everything about our lives, in some way or another, acts of violence, that we have seen are possible to occur, without warning, anywhere, anytime, and, mutating, viruses, that are mild for some, but deadly for others, and there is simply no way to calculate, how this  might affect us, if we become ill. Even, deep faith in God, offers no guarantee, of the outcome, should such things happen to us. The gift of life is far more fragile, than we seem to realize, necessitating, at least for me, that it's always held with deep gratitude and an open hand, even amidst all that is distressing, depressing, and dismaying. For me this is easier said than done, though, and I confess that I have given way to pure despair at times. Especially in recent years, as I confront the uncertainties and unknowns that come with aging and the implications of the many ways that this issue alone can cause disruption, and destruction, to my life. I'm a loner, who lives without much of a support system. Health, financial, or any number of issues can develop into something which prevents me from continuing to maintain my lifestyle in the way I prefer it to be, which would affect my peace. 

The entire world is continually trying to achieve peace. It's just how we go about it that differs so greatly. Some people marry because they seek a peace that a sense of security brings, while others, divorce their spouse, to find peace for themselves, since they didn't find peace in the relationship. Wars are started because someone seeks their own peace at the expense of someone else's. Homes are built, to have the peacefulness of privacy, that flooding and fires demolish. I doubt there is even one American parent of school age children that sends their kids to school without having at least some subconscious apprehension about the possibility of a shooter.

Peace, offers humanity the best chance for survival, and prosperity. Proverbs 17:1 in the Bible (Contemporary English Version) says that, "A dry crust of bread eaten in peace and quiet is better than a feast eaten where everyone argues." There are people we depend on in our communities to keep the peace, including when there are others who are disturbing the peace. Without peace there is no, real, sense of security. Right now, in my personal life, and in America and throughout the world, there are so many threats to peace. The reason that I keep to myself so much, is to try to have, and maintain, my sense of peacefulness, if at all possible. I began to live this way-- as, a loner-- when I was a child, growing up in a household that didn't ever feel truly peaceful to me, at all, or anything else, that was particularly positive. Keeping to myself was a quiet act of desperation, to try, to minimize the damage done to my soul, from sensing the constant undercurrent of tension from the dysfunction of the family dynamic. I never felt emotionally, or mentally, 'safe' in that environment. To this day, I shut down around and shun anyone that gives me that feeling. Even so, it is nearly impossible for me to find much peace inside my own home, all alone, because of 24/7 news and other stressful shows, on the television and on the internet. Everything going on throughout the entire world is almost all reported on, by someone somewhere, making its way into news feeds. Because much of the news affects me, to some degree or other, I feel like I can't just look away, or 'unplug', from seeing or hearing all these things, even as I feel my stress level and blood pressure elevating as I try to assess the implications of it all. We live in a world where mutually assured destruction is a possibility at any time, and some people get into politics for personal gain, rather than for altruistic reasons. If those, who are in control of the situation, aren't caring and careful, we could face things that, if we survived them, would, annihilate, our sense of peace. I long for peace, but I am at the mercy of others, who may not value it, so highly.

There is truth to the saying that 'Ignorance is bliss.' Little children wave at anyone and hug everyone. Then they are taught biases and prejudices. They get hurt, and maybe even violated in some way that scars them for life, by the people they care about and trusted. Their youthful optimism gets severely challenged, as their view of this world they live in enlarges with new information and understanding. I recall how shocked and sad I felt, as a high school student, when we were shown a film,

about the atomic bomb, and the devastating destruction that weapon caused. The realization of such a thing being unleashed on this planet was hard for me to bear.

Now, I know so much more, about human nature and politics and governance and wars. I don't have the luxury of any naivete regarding what's at stake and what is possible. Underneath this and other overarching threats to my very existence, I'm just trying to be as happy as possible, given my situation. As the years gave gone by, that has gotten a lot harder for me. I have more financial vulnerabilities now. I have more health issues now. I have less time in my lifespan now. These facts and more, crowd into my thoughts, and emotions, at random times, on any given day.

I try to focus on the positives and there are many of those but it's a daily struggle and a constant challenge. Music helps. Exercise helps. Laughing helps. Nature, can help, such as when I hear beautiful birdsongs outside my window. But underneath everything is my feeling of frustration that some of my deepest heart's desires are not happening for me, and perhaps never will happen for me. Especially given the world as it is now. Even the fact that thousands of men in my age group died, in a war, as young men, depriving thousands of women from the chance of knowing or loving them, very possibly including me, makes me both sad and angry. It may be the sole reason that I never met my Mr. Right. Guys who were just ahead of me in school were drafted to fight in Vietnam. What was really accomplished with all the sacrifice of those lives? Those men could have loved and been loved, instead of it. I have, still, NEVER KNOWN, what BEING LOVED, WELL, BY SOMEONE feels like. I often think about those men, that died in the war of my generation, because of it.

                                                                                  

Although stress enters my life though the media inside my home, the most stress for me has always come from interacting with other people. I have come to dread it, because it is so often such a letdown to me, and even worse, does me damage in ways. I have been truly traumatized by peoples' treatment of me, which affects me a lot. Perhaps their behavior is how they handle their own lack of peace, but I can't handle more cruel blows to my psyche, at this point, so I mostly avoid other human beings, now, to try to avoid additional harm being inflicted on me by them.

That creates a conflict inside me, though, because I can't find my person, or other loving, and nurturing, relationships, if I do not go outside my house and socialize. I can either, cut my losses, or take a risk. I have become very risk averse, though.

I do think it's vital to not expose myself to people who have shown me that, they are not for me, and do not have my best interests at heart. I will NEVER want to be around or socialize with people that I don't genuinely enjoy their company. It isn't worth it to me to settle for that. I would rather do without altogether. If I'm not blessed by someone's presence in my life, then I prefer their absence. I love  to smile and laugh! The people that I most enjoy being with are those who bring laughter to my life. The person that I have loved most, was someone who made me laugh, so easily, and so often. They were such a blessing to me because of it.

Most of my life is lived now, so I am more selective than ever about who I spend my time with. I realize, more than ever, how very, very, precious time itself is. If someone or something does not make me happy, I don't want it in my life, at all.

I think that everyone wants peace, but when someone takes it at someone else's expense, it will never truly be peace; for them, or for the one(s) they deprived of it. That often has both unforeseen consequences and a ripple effect on more than just the person(s) they took peace away from to have their own at their expense. These are people who want something else, more than they want to live in peace. For me, I gauge the 'success' of my day based on how peaceful it was, as well as how productive. I always feel better on the days I get things done, but I only feel it was a 'good' day if I came through it maintaining my sense of personal peace. I have a lot of daily struggles, with anxiety, and OCD, and sometimes, even darker, things, like depression, and despondency, so it is really notable and unfortunately rare, in these times, if I get through a day feeling relatively at peace in my world.

 

Having a home of my own is a haven for me for having more peace in my life, for many reasons, but because of the viciousness of the clique defamation of me with all the gossip, and lies, that has turned so many against me, I have been, terribly traumatized, here, too. So, the bad has canceled out the good, so far, and I am in an 'existing' mode, rather than a 'living fully' mode, as I try to deal with the huge drain on my soul, of all that evil that has been unleashed against me here, mostly by OTHER CHRISTIANS, who SHOULD know, they are ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD, for this. I have called the Veterans Crisis Line, many times, because of the distress it causes me, and I have telehealth counseling sessions with a mental health doctor due to it, also. This situation has sadly stolen my joy, which I really miss having. I love the sense of security I get in the peace and quiet of my own home, but peace is hard to have even with the shades drawn and the door locked, because of being

surrounded by these people. I am in constant emotional conflict because my home is the BEST earthly blessing God's EVER given me but the community the house is in does not feel 'safe' for me mentally, emotionally, and sometimes, physically. My faith in God, is what's kept me, through all this, and my knowing that, He blessed me with my home. It will be, three years, in August, that I came here, because of God blessing me with my house, but this campaign of cruelty, against me, started MY VERY FIRST DAY here. It has REALLY TAKEN A TOLL ON ME. I have asked God, at times, if He has changed His Will that I be here, but He CONTINUES to TELL me that HE HAS A REASON for ME to be HERE, and HE DOES NOT LIE, so I trust Him.

PEACE is VERY HARD to FIND here, for me, but GOD is my peace, especially when I can't find it in my circumstances or situation. I can tell you for a fact I would not have made it this far in my life, or living in this kind of heartbreaking meanness, if it were not for God being my life, my everything, and my all in all! My attempts to find peace, in other ways, have not gone very well. I often end up getting agitated

BECAUSE I am trying to center myself, in a sense of peace, but, it is ELUDING me. I usually do better when, I just, cry to out God, for his Grace, to help me, because IT MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE, in my day. There is nothing like the Grace of God!

Rather than STRUGGLING TO FIND PEACE, I just RECEIVE HIS PEACE, as a gift, to me, and as long as I REST IN THAT PEACE, it REMAINS, WITH ME, throughout, the day. If I start fussing and fretting, that amazing Grace lifts from me, leaving me to struggle, in my own strength, because of taking my focus off of God. It is nowhere close to being adequate to deal with all of the stress in my life now, though, that's

constantly coming from so many sources, of all sizes. God's GRACE is what makes EVERYTHING easier to bear, easier to cope with, easier to do, and easier to rejoice in, despite the trials and tribulations that come with these things. I am grateful to God, but even more than that, I AM GRATEFUL FOR GOD. HE is truly, my all in all.

 

Amazing Grace 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

*Comfort food- food that provides consolation or a feeling of well-being, typically any with a high sugar or other carbohydrate content and associated with childhood or home cooking.

Life As, A Real-Life, 'Alice In Wonderland'

I have had a hell of a time writing this blog post. I have restarted it, from scratch, several times now. If this is what you see online, you will know that I FINALLY got through the tremendous, stressful, challenge, of articulating these things from my life. Most likely, though, I will be bald, for awhile, as I feel very close to pulling my hair out over trying to get this said and done. (Apparently, I can still find traces of my sense of humor, in me, somewhere. >sigh!< ) My aim is to accurately describe my life; not to intentionally 'roast' someone. I am in a state of exhaustion because I have been going through so much for so long that I am extremely depleted in my body, soul, and spirit. I would give almost anything for a walk on the beach and to feel some serenity and sanity return to my tempest-tossed temperament. Truth, is very important to me. It can be approached in a number of ways, though, that can avoid being used as a weapon. My intention is not to hurt anyone and I really wish they would have that same spirit toward me. We're all accountable for our actions however; and I do not think it is right, or proper, for someone to mistreat me, and then, expect me, to not ever say anything, about that. Especially, when it, deeply, affects me, and it becomes a part of my life story-- which, I write about, here. The blog's title is, clearly, stating that, I write about the 'dark nights of the soul', that I have been given to have to get through, as best I can. The word "ascent", reflects my deep desire that, at some point, I will, finally, overcome all the assaults on my happiness, that I endure, and live in the light of, peace, joy, laughter, and love.  A big, and perhaps, impossible, aspiration, given the fact that, this planet, I live on, seems to devolve into, increasing, depravity, every day, and my personal life, has been rife with troubling turmoil, and a ratio of life experiences that has seemed to slant, much more, toward, 'bad' ones, than 'good'. I have a (VERY BADLY) broken heart.  A, small, sliver, of hope, still, within me, is the, one, thing, that, keeps me going, toward that goal; one WEARY step after another.  My deep faith, in God, is my strong anchor as I have clung to what, and where, I see Him leading me, and trust Him, to bring about His Will, and Plan, despite, how things LOOK. The Bible says, we are to "walk by faith and not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7).  I trust God, and His Word, even when, I don't, fully, trust, anyone else. INCLUDING, MYSELF.

Life is largely viewed the way it is because of the lens we choose to look through. If we look for the bad, it is surely there, and if we look for the good, it is there as well. Recently, someone was (based on results: making the mistake of) asking me the, seemingly, socially innocuous question, "How are you?" In my defense, I had gone to see them, with a smile on my face, solely to give them a gift, which I felt would be welcome, and which they liked, and received with appreciation. I did not go to stay long or have a long conversation, as I was trying to get some things off my To Do list before the approaching weekend. They appeared to also be about to go home for their weekend plans, as well. By all intents and purposes, this should not have ended up being the outburst from me that it was, following the inquiry. I hesitated, struggling, to decide, what to say, in response, when, a sudden flood of my pent-up emotions started attaching themselves to the words which had begun pouring from my mouth. I had been stuffing all that inside me, saying nothing, to anyone, about how I was feeling, for a lengthy amount of time, at this point, and, the dam just burst. As my frustration level began to be expressed, my voice rose, and its volume increased. It could not be stopped at this point as I poured out my very real grief and heartache over some of the ways that I have been treated that are just so wrong; which, this person already knew about, because they had been witness to the things that I was describing. The injustice of it all angered me, and my temper showed, as well. To make this hysteria I was having worse, the person didn't lead me into a nearby room, where they could shut the door until the steam was all out of my hurting soul, over this, ongoing, issue, that I am dealing with. I was asked to "walk with me", as they began to open doors, to the outside, letting this 'go public' at that point should anyone else be around, and then, outside with them, to stand there, in the light of day, as I got the rest of it off my chest, finally finishing this crescendo of righteous indignation I was voicing. None, of which, I'd had any intention of saying at all when I went there merely to give them the item that I thought could well be a blessing, to them, which, they said that it truly was.

How fine you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are fortunate your condition is not permanent. You're lucky, too. Red eyes suit so few. - Cheshire Cat

It happened because their question seemed to CARE how I am doing, and as they also know, probably better than anyone else in my life right now, I have been put through, some, really, ridiculous, and stressful, situations, in recent weeks, which have caused me to hardly sleep for days on end, lately, and cry (which I normally rarely do, unless I am VERY STRESSED BY SOMETHING), with a sound that is not 'human' but more akin to what comes from the mouth of a wounded animal. Yet I don't know if they asked me how I was because they DO care, or just to be polite. Regardless of which one their intention was, I emailed them saying that I am sure they regretted, asking me that question, based on the results. I did not want that to happen, or intend for that to. I have, clearly, just reached my breaking point in having to deal with some truly bizarre things, that people have perpetrated in my life. I would likely be coping with it much better than I am, if it were coming from people that I don't like, or care about. But, these things are coming from people I not only care about but even deeply love. I think that's why it has been especially hard on me. I am walking by faith, as far as all the reasons that God led me here, and I know that, at some point, His Will, will manifest more clearly, in the natural realm. But these people have already so touched and affected me that they have literally altered who I am as a person, in some profound ways, and I needed that.

 

It can be confusing, and uncomfortable, to be the clay, on the potter's wheel, and feel like, such a, wobbly, off-center, mess, while having no idea what the potter is trying to achieve, as you see yourself transforming in ways that are profound and permanent. From things as simple-- but surprising-- as seeing my taste in music, change, so drastically, that a genre, that I never listened to or valued, is now my favorite music of all, prompting me to purchase 35 songs, of it, for my playlist, to my gentleness and generosity toward people who have put me through some bad things, because I care, more about them, than the level of hurt, they have caused me, I am not the same person that God Led here, for His, mysterious, reasons; in some significant ways. I could definitely delve into a diatribe about the things they have done to me, and it would be justified. I do not think it is fair, for someone to cause so much crap in someone's life, and not expect them to say anything about it. God knows that the counselors on the Veterans Crisis Line all know me by now.

NO   ONE   DOES    [PLAY   FAIR]    IF   THEY   THINK   THEY   CAN   GET   AWAY   WITH   IT.   - Cheshire Cat

 
As for the other, equally colorful, characters in my life, now, I feel an affection for them all; even those that have been such bitches to me that I don't like them, for it. They don't see my slight smile, after I walk past them talking together, and am glad to see, they are living their lives in a way that is bringing them happiness. (I just wish they didn't ALSO contribute their bitchy bullshit to MINE because I am a loner, by nature, and I choose to spend the majority of my time alone. I need, the PEACE of PRIVACY, alot, more than most people.) Because of the sometimes crazy Cast Of Characters here (which includes me, in their eyes, because I'm different in some really notable ways myself, being very eccentric, and more uninhibited, than most),  I realized recently that I frequently feel as if I'm Alice in Wonderland. It is a crazy community, in some ways; no doubt about it. It is also, generally, a caring one. These people test me and try me, to my core, but they also are a blessing to me-- even the bitches, believe it or not. I am not at all happy with how badly they treat me-- often in ways that, it goes without saying, they would pitch a fit over if I had done the very same things to them-- but I understand that, how they act, is really out of WHO THEY ARE, not WHO I AM. It is the same way about my being a loner. It's not about them, although, they react to it as if it is a slight, or insult, to them, because they prefer to talk together, often, and gather in groups, to gossip.

I'm JUST BEING ME-- whom I have ALWAYS BEEN, long before I came here. It has everything to do with HOW I COPE with life, and is NOT me avoiding them (except for the secondhand smoke which I do dislike, including because I have respiratory issues). When I have any thoughts, about them, at all, it is things, like, "I REALLY WISH they would quiet their dog! I love that dog but it's BARKED for 20 MINUTES and I WAS, in bed, ASLEEP, before that started." Later, that same day, although, I am, sleep deprived, due to that, I will be in the kitchen, looking in my pantry, and I will think to myself, "I will be so glad, when I FINALLY have the time and money to start baking, again, so I can offer a cake to the community (which includes the bitches, because, for better or for worse, WE ALL LIVE HERE TOGETHER). There is no one here that I wish ANY ILL WILL TO, despite how horribly some of them have treated me. I may not LIKE everyone but God's Spirit in me HELPS me love them. I don't SHOW love for people, though, if my doing so opens me up to their abuse. That's happened to me with several people here, and I withdraw, when they do it.

Just the other day, I was heading home after a walk when a neighbor I had drinks with, last summer, called out a greeting to me, after we hadn't spoken since some serious bullshit happened back then, that left me feeling violated and outraged. It was an appropriate gesture, which I accepted, as I stopped on the street to stand and chat with them a few minutes. I expressed concern and compassion for them, and let them know that me and another person here had prayed together for him, when he was ill. As I turned to go home he invited me to stop by for a drink again sometime. While I am SURE that THAT will NEVER HAPPEN, again, after the fiasco it was last year (his even offering that seemed so clueless, and tone deaf, to me), I smiled, because I knew his intention was to reconcile with his neighbor, and that was a welcome act on his part. Sometimes-- actually, ALOT OF TIMES-- when, we are dealing with other people, the BEST THING WE CAN DO is show them GRACE. I would TRULY BE LOST, in EVERY way, WITHOUT GOD'S GRACE. So, even when I get SO ANGRY AT PEOPLE at times, for how they treat me-- especially, when they REALLY HURT ME DEEPLY, as quite a few people here have, sad to say-- my hope, is that my broken heart, and this dysfunctional community, will eventually, by our choices and efforts, begin to be a place of PEACE, that we ALL FEEL THE LOVE in.

There isn't ANYBODY I have met here that I don't truly care about, and even love. They make it REALLY DIFFICULT, FOR ME, to not only, EXPRESS that, but to, FEEL it, some days. That's for sure! Nevertheless, GOD BROUGHT ME HERE, and I'm so GRATEFUL TO HIM for that! In spite of everything, I know that I know that I know that THERE IS NOWHERE ELSE, in this WORLD, that I would rather be! I hope this community will become something as special, to EVERYONE here, as it is TO ME! I can't always express my appreciation, and gratitude, here, because people cannot accept it for what it is. They sometimes give it more meaning or manipulation that I did not mean, by it, which deeply discourages me from saying anything to them, at all. It's hard for me to trust people, as it is. There's not one person here, that I totally trust, at this point, not to hurt or betray me, which is sad. To NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU STAND with someone, is a SCARY THING FOR ME. I have a very deep need to FEEL SAFE, in my surroundings, and I can't feel that way when people are treating me in some of the hurtful and hateful ways they have done to me, here. I have experienced some pretty petty behaviors from people. Even, right now. It all comes down to people NOT LOVING THEIR NEIGHBOR, like they do themselves. It is going to become, and be, whatever the people here make it. Sometimes I really wonder, if what they are contributing to the community is WHAT, THEY WANT, it to be like. THIS IS THEIR HOME, and MY home. It would be SO MUCH NICER for ALL of us if everyone either MADE IT BETTER, or AT LEAST didn't spend SO MUCH time and energy, on gossip and schemes, that MAKE IT WORSE. NO ONE would want to shit in their own food dish, and then try to nourish their body by eating that CRAP.

In a way, that is EXACTLY what some people here are DOING. That will never lead to good results, for ANYONE here; including them. I long for people to STOP being JERKS to others here and show some genuine, neighborly, good will, so things can IMPROVE. When, someone is doing UGLY things, to ME, it is NEVER going to make me WANT to INTERACT WITH THEM. Their actions, place me in a protective mode, where I avoid them, and have no desire to interact with them, or open myself up, to them, in any way. I truly don't understand how people can treat people in ways that THEY WOULD BE UPSET AT if that were done to THEM. For things to IMPROVE someone would have to demonstrate 'good faith', by treating me how, they, would expect me to treat them, were it reversed. When I am DISRESPECTED it DOESN'T encourage me to WANT to interact, with the people who are treating me that way.

This community is going to be what people make it. Bottom line. Some people, do seem to prefer feeding from the same pot they shit in, so to speak. I have no idea why that has been their choice. Ego. Insecurity. Women, that are elbowing others, to secure their hierarchy in the henhouse, and that, becomes their priority, over a better quality of life; including for themselves. For many of us here, we are in our 'Golden Years'. Some, that moved here, have already passed away. Any of us, can expect something to, take us out, of life on this earth, due to our health issues, or such, any time now, although I am sure that, WE, ALL, HOPE to LIVE, for decades more. I just find it REALLY SAD that the LAST LEGACY people here seem to WANT to LEAVE BEHIND THEM is the one that, they have been demonstrating, so far. To be honest, I have actually cried out to God, at times, about people here that have done some REALLY CRUEL, and MEAN-SPIRITED, things, to me, that I KNOW that, if I did those things, to THEM, they wouldn't appreciate that AT ALL. When I have been, DEEPLY WOUNDED, by their actions, toward me, and/or, LOST MY TEMPER, over it, I have even told God that I WOULDN'T MISS THEM AT ALL, IF THEY DIED THIS MINUTE! Wouldn't they RATHER the community MOURN THE LOSS, of them, among us, and all talk together of, HOW MUCH THEY WILL BE MISSED? I wonder what people are thinking, when they sully their standing here, by behaving badly.  I DEFINITELY have MY faults and shortcomings. I am NOT PERFECT EITHER. But I CAN say for certain that I have never TRIED to HURT someone ON PURPOSE. The way I write my blog posts about my life now, which is here, REFLECTS that truth.

People know that I write a blog about my life-- ESPECIALLY the 'dark nights of the soul', which are the BAD things. Many know it is read by people around the world, in 62 countries, now. (THANK YOU, Readers!) You might think that, they would be more careful about how they treat me, since, those experiences, and interactions, become a part of MY LIFE, and therefore a part of my life story. Even that, doesn't seem to motivate them, to BEHAVE BETTER, TOWARD ME; which, is REALLY ALL I WANT. Just to be TREATED BETTER, than I have been, on many occasions, since I moved here. >sigh< It is what it is. We, all, have to decide, individually, and, as a community, if this is what we REALLY WANT IT TO BE. After all, it BELONGS to ALL OF US. I don't know what people here will decide to do, BUT I HAVE FAITH, in our future, here. Not because of THEM, or ME, necessarily, but because the ONE thing that I KNOW FOR SURE is that, GOD BROUGHT ME HERE, in the course of doing a MIRACLE for me! The Bible says that, He desires that I BE BLESSED, and tells me in ...

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.

MY FAITH AND HOPE are in THE LORD.

Amen.

Deb

 

Sometimes, Even Smart People Are Stupid

This is a cautionary tale, for others, as well, to stick to your boundaries. I didn't, when mine were tested, and this happened to me because of my not doing that.

Richard EveryWriter @realeverywriter

I'll be honest, today, . . .

i’m writing to save my own life . . .

to find the answers

i already know

but don’t believe. 

i don’t want to die

without facing my truths.

I've had to (try to) process 'a whole shitload' of, very strong, emotions, in the last year, that I never thought I would even have to contend with at all at this point in my life; including shock, shame, and despair. I also realized that letting my guard down, and trusting someone, again, meant my becoming, the butt of a joke, and, the target of all the gossip, for being stupid enough to think they cared about me. I admit defeat. They devastated me. I got played, and worse than that, I have NO ONE to BLAME but MYSELF. EVERY TIME I have EVER trusted ANYONE in my life, I have REGRETTED IT. I had learned my lesson, well, and my head was on straight, about not letting people get too close to me. I was indomitable this way. Immune. No one, had been allowed to get inside my head, or, worst of all, inside my tender heart, which I fiercely protected from being shattered anymore after all the times that it has been. There are so many reasons that I should have known better, and done better. All I know is that when my heart got hijacked by some overwhelming and overpowering feelings I was no longer in the driver's seat. I was as drunk on, and reeling from, what I was feeling, as I have ever been by anything, or anyone. Ever. As hard, as it is to do, now, however, in the aftermath, of that fiasco, I have actually welcomed my being forced (admittedly against my will) to walk through a valley of humiliation, from this situation; as surprising as that might sound. Doing so drives the point home to me, in an excruciatingly, unforgettable, way, that this was something that can never be, and will never be. It was quite obviously (now) just some dream, or fantasy, that had started to seem far too real, for me, which could only and would only look like a living nightmare in the harsh realities of the clear light of day, with my eyes fully open, and focused, on the facts, as they are.

I'm much more of a realist about life's adversities and sorrows. If it took my being burned this badly to cause me to want to steer clear of this consuming flame then so be it! I had already tried everything, I knew to do, to stop it from happening in the first place, and when the other person did not help me, with that, but doubled down on the very behaviors which were causing me to feel like I did, I fell in love, because of the signal that sent to me. I felt so angry, and violated, because I was trapped in strong and sticky emotions then that I knew I shouldn't be having, and I couldn't get free of them. I tried everything I could think of to get over it; to get past it. It even drove me to drink, despite, my being, extremely, health conscious.

I'd gone the last 25 years only having a couple of beers, in all that time. I started drinking wine by the bottle. I didn't even bother with a glass. Just 'bottoms up' to my lips, drinking it down, as fast, as I could, after eating a few saltine crackers in an effort to keep from throwing up. I was trying to numb the pain. I was trying to dull my pure panic, that this had happened to me. You know, that feeling you get, when, one moment, you were, perfectly healthy, and strong, and the next minute, you become aware that, you are coming down with something, like the flu, that is making you debilitated, and dizzy, and disoriented, and NOTHING you can do, will stop it? That, is what this felt like, to me. It was just as unwelcome. It was just as unwanted. Feeling, those things, for this person, wasn't going to do me any good, and I hated having it in me, to have to deal with, 24/7, once it hit me and bowled me over. I was trying my best to honor the realities involved, while sliding down a slippery slope, of attraction and desire. Of course it had to end in a crash landing. There was never any other possible outcome for the obviously-one-sided feelings.

I've had some success with drinking wine, to give me the giggles and temporarily take away the sadness and stress that I feel when life is fully frustrating me, with its tendency to be both complicated and contrary. That is, before, I have to begin nursing the inevitable effects of a hangover, and assessing, fallout from, anything that I recall doing which may be under the heading of 'regrettable deeds'. I'm not endorsing any form of escapism as being the way to live life on a daily basis. But, for me, there is a certain level of 'bullcrap overload' that leads to a much-needed, drunken binge, to help me destress, from that, and to regain my lost perspective.

When I began writing this post (over the course of several weeks time, as I could find words to articulate it), I was struggling to recover, from both humiliation and  a hangover-- neither of which are painless or easy to get rid of. It was comforting to Google 'How do I recover from humiliation?' and see many websites appear, to offer advice, and observations, which have helped me, to get back on the road to recovery, right away. It was difficult, and daunting, at first, to be sure, but I have come to terms with it all, much more quickly, now, than I did at times in the past. Sadly, part of that is simply because I have had so much practice at my having to find some way to survive after people have broken my heart, during the course of my life. I am exposing my tender underbelly, so to speak, by talking about it now rather than, covering up, the fact that I messed up, and my messing up messed me up. I got there, with help, from others, messing up, as well, but, at the end of the day, I can only give my own testimony, and answer for my own sins. Whether  I like it or not, I am called to live my life by scriptures such as James 5:16, which says that we are to confess our sins to one another. But people are quick to judge others. We human beings almost always ascribe more weight toward, and disdain for, others' sins, compared to our own. People also have their loyalties and biases which affect how they react both for and against other people. A father who takes a dim view of a man whose behavior negatively impacted his daughter's life, may be the very same man who, scorns, and scolds, a woman for her holding his close friend accountable, for damage done, to her life, by playing games with her heart. Human beings are such emotional creatures that, thoughts, and actions, whether, on our own behalf, or a loved one's of ours, often have very little to do with either objective or impartial decisions on matters involving these relationships. It makes it more of, a loyalty test, than a truly, righteous, judgement, because of that bias.

                                                

                                          . . . or their loved ones.

When I've gotten stuck in social quicksand and started sinking to the point where it began to feel like it could be the death of me, it's been because, I have allowed someone to convince, or entice, me to stray from my own values. You would think that hard-won lessons about living would be grasped firmly and held onto for dear life. After all, we often carry the emotional scars of our lifelong learning to remind us that, what hasn't killed us has made us stronger, and, hopefully, wiser. Hurt, is not something that we are keen to, ever, experience, again, if we can avoid doing so. Heartache can feel more searing than touching a hot stove burner, at least, to me, and there is no soothing balm to take the sting out of it. Probably, 99.99% of people go to great lengths to hide their humiliation, and I would normally do that, as well, but I have become increasingly aware that this situation has been shared, through gossip that, apparently, came from someone, other than myself, who was directly involved, so it's already out there, casting me as both, the villain, and the fool. Gee. How fun, is that, for me? I don't even want to try to fathom the reason, that they would do that, to me. Especially, since, they have to know that they had a hand in this happening, in the first place, to be sure; and that, I was very angry with them, about the things, they did, to stir these feelings up, even more, in me, after I emailed them, and asked them, in writing, not to do that to me, because I realized that it was affecting me and I wanted to avoid this very thing taking hold of my heart. I had asked them for their help in preventing this from happening to me and they did the opposite of what I asked them. It became so obvious, due to that, and other ways, they treated me, that they do not respect me. That fact is a

blessing in disguise, actually, because, I have always been someone who needs to be respected, more than loved. In this case, I was neither, but, for me, disrespect is a relational deal breaker, helping me to sever the personal tie, that had evolved in my relationship with this person. I am grateful for anything that has helped me to destroy the emotions that had developed in me toward them. I did not want it!

I am not saying this out of bitterness but am simply stating the facts. I would not want this person even if that were possible, which it isn't and never will be. I saw plenty of Red Flags-- too many really-- that let me know that this person was not right for me. The main reason, being that, disrespecting, me, has, always, been a deal breaker, for me, and they, definitely, did not, respect me--  showing me that, through both, their words, and their actions, time and time and time again. When we were friends, it was the happiest phase of this relationship, to me, but there is no going back now, to that simpler situation. When we first met, he was rude and often unresponsive. I even felt sure that he was stupid, for awhile. So I had never expected that we could ever even become friends. As I look back on everything, I wonder now if we ever really were friends, or if he was just playing me, to control me, and to get on my good side, including so that I would stop complaining about how he was before. It worked. That friendship, as I saw it, was a source of alot of laughter for me, even though as amusing as he was he was also very annoying at times. I am equally annoying in my way, and very frustrating to deal with as well, though, in between my, also, being funny, and, enigmatically, charming, at times. So, in between all the banter and laughter we were mutually irritating quite often.

The day came that is was especially obvious and hurtful that he didn't respect me.

There was alot, that he did, that day, to directly interject himself into my personal life, when he knew, before, he did all that, that I had been drinking. It seemed to be, amusing, to him, but I was in that condition because I already felt humiliated, and completely stressed out, by him. When he exposed my vulnerability that way, that day, he brought someone else along, with him, that I didn't even know at all.
That, was one of the incidents, that so devastated me that I called the Crisis Line. The person that he brought with him, that didn't even know me, later called me a drunk, to my face, when I had only had 2 bottles of wine on 2 different occasions, and a few canned drinks at a neighbor's house one day, after going for 25 YEARS, without drinking more than a couple of beers, total. His treatment of me gave this person permission to-- also (like, him)-- disrespect me. It was, extremely, painful.
Around this time was when I realized, my biggest humiliation, came from the fact that I had actually thought he was my friend, and really cared about me, and was a decent guy. There was alot of other things, that showed me very clearly that he did not respect me, at all, but I am not going to go into them here. God, knows it.

You may be wondering why I would have ever considered this person to be a true friend, to me. I wonder that myself, now that our relationship with one another is over, and everything's been said and done, that has left it like this. But, it wasn't, always, this way-- at least, not, on the surface, when taken at face value. We had originally been antagonistic toward one another. For whatever his reason, he, was the one, of the two of us, that made a real effort to improve interactions between us. Especially because, he began to seem caring and supportive, and he made me laugh so often, and so easily, we came to be friends with one another. Or so I had thought. As time went on, the, veneer, on that, seemed to be, thinner, than, I had first believed. His 'caring', seemed to be more of a charm which was, intended, to control me. Instead of his seeming stupid anymore he just seemed 'slick'*, to me.

I noticed that he would always shut me down whenever I tried to express genuine distress about the situation with my being a target of the clique where I live and I kept wondering, why he didn't see, or acknowledge, that one of his closest friends was the main instigator of bullying me, since, he continued, to defend them; even at my expense. He told me that I should be friends with one of the women, that is associated with the clique, but never asked me, one single time, about my side of the situation, and what, these people, have put me through. He doesn't know any of that, to this day, therefore-- except for, my, finally, providing the proof, that his best buddy in the group was actually calling people over to her and literally telling them, NOT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME. This woman is in her late 70s, and presents herself as a devout Christian to him. His friendship, with her, remains, unchanged, despite how she has treated me. So, his loyalties continued to lie with others, and was, never, really, there, for me, even during (what I had originally believed, was) our friendship. Someone, truly, caring about me, would not have felt comfortable, remaining, close, to such a perpetrator, that has caused so many problems, in my life, here, because of her meanness, and gossip. He's never even been curious, or concerned, enough, to ask me about any of the incidents with the clique members that caused an alienation to occur between us when I was friendly to them before.

Instead of telling me to be nice to them, when he has never asked me for my side of the story, he should have at least listened to how I have been treated by them, instead of shutting me down, before I can tell him any of it; and then, if he wants to play 'peacemaker', so much, he could have addressed their behavior, which has been the source of the breakdown in these relationships. There isn't one thing the people in this clique can truthfully claim that I did to them, but, they wronged me. I am not one to, continue in relationships with people who have treated me badly.

Why, should I do that, and open myself up to more of the same? TREAT ME WELL.

 

No one has ever made me laugh as easily, or as much, as him, though, which felt great frankly. I'm a sucker for a good laugh, so that gained him some real ground with me. Laughter opens up the heart, and that was his gateway into mine. From his influence, in my life, I learned to appreciate, and then, really, truly, like a new genre of music, that I had barely paid any attention to, before. It is, honestly, my favorite music to listen to now! I would have never believed that could happen, to me. I would have lost a money bet, on that not ever happening with me, for sure.
I will always care about him, as someone who became, very significant, in my life, for both good and bad reasons, whether or not, I ever should have; and I have no desire to hurt him, in any way. EVER. I wish him all the best. The bottom line is, I have only myself to blame. I started the superficial flirting, because it was fun, for me. Then, I couldn't get him to help me stop it, when it, suddenly, started to feel, too real, to me, and scared me. I got hurt and humiliated and that really is all my fault. This, is a cautionary tale, to anyone, reading this. DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE. I should have known better-- absolutely!-- and, I paid the price. I am so sorry, that any of it happened, and the saddest thing of all is it can't be undone. So, I extend grace, to him, because I am so in need of that, myself. I don't feel hatred or hard feelings. I just feel like I WAS REALLY STUPID, for a woman that is normally fairly intelligent. It hurt ALOT, that he disrespected me. But, the awful truth is, I taught him to. I cannot blame him for this; but it did take mistakes on both our parts for it to end up this way. We don't interact at all, anymore, and both think that's best.

Nothing significant ever happened between us thank God. I need to say that here.
I should also say that he did, finally, 'pull the plug' on it, but not way back when I asked him to, to prevent this, from happening, to me, in the first place. I do, fault him, for that. If he had done that, helped me with that, when I saw trouble ahead and asked him to help me to keep that from happening, instead of doing, more of, the very behaviors that, I was telling him, I was most susceptible to, this could all have been avoided, then, rather than, avoiding, one another, now, because, it did, happen. That's why I got so angry at him, about it. I asked him, not to encourage it, in me, but, he did, for whatever reason; and, he knows that. Maybe, it was just an ego trip, to see a woman's eyes shine that way when she looked at him, but he was not in a position, to be entitled, to that, from me, and I did not want to be, in a position, to provide that, extra boost, for him, and end up with nothing, to show for it, but being teased and heartbroken. This became a dark night of the soul, for me, so it is being addressed in this post, but I am not planning to expound on any of this or describe more, about it, in any future blog posts, that I might write. This post, provides a sufficient overview. All things considered, and that, covers alot of ground, with us, I know that, he has had a huge impact, on me, personally, and is one of those people that I will never forget. Even if I really wish that I could, now.

                                                                       
I did lose alot of respect for him, though, because of how he treated me, and how he handled this situation with me. He brought several other people into it to make himself look like he is just a totally innocent victim of it, when he absolutely needs to share the responsibility and the blame; and I'm the object of gossip because he did that. I have also had to endure these people putting me down, including to my face, while, he sat there, and tried to get me to say that he did not do anything to cause any of this-- which I refused to do for him, because that would be a lie, and he knows it; even if he won't admit it. I wasn't saying anything about it to anyone until, I finally told one person (my best friend), because, I had, no one, to turn to.

My friend, gave me his word, that he will not share, what I told him, with anyone.

@ML_Philosophy
Nobody notices your pain, but everyone notices your mistakes.

The whole community seems to know about it though, and that is, directly due to, how the man involved chose to handle it; in an, obviously, very disrespectful way, toward me. He, and his friends, have been the ones, that have spread this gossip. That is really disappointing to me, to put it mildly, because I had given him alot of credit, for being a, genuinely, nice guy, and he is also a Christian. When I realized how much damage they have done to my reputation, behind the scenes, as if that means, nothing, at all, to them, for the quality of my life, here, in this community,

by their, causing people, to view me differently, and decide, not to befriend me, in some cases, because of it, I felt really sad. I just can't imagine why they would do that. It's become crystal clear, that they have, however, and it is affecting my life.

Now, I can see why, he remains so close to the clique member that's gossiped the most, about me. It's because he has also been doing that. Even so, I stand on the fact that, God, brought me here. This is, His Will, and Plan, and His Word, always, stands true, including Romans 8:28, my favorite verse and the mantra for my life:

 

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose." [Amplified Bible]

I am just focused on going on with my life, and keeping my distance, at this point.
The humiliation has been very humbling for me, and I think that I have needed to learn a real lesson from all this. I also think, it wouldn't be wise to try to stand on that slippery slope, again, and believe, I can stay, firmly, on my feet, when, I slid, almost all the way down it, before. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. I didn't expect that at all when it happened, but now, I know, that it can; because it did. No one, was more shocked (and upset, about it!) than me, but it also, truly, terrified, me. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Just like, the car that gets hit by a train, on the tracks, and is totaled, I was blindsided. I cannot handle something like that! I do not know how to deal with it. It is crazymaking**, for me, because of that. I was miserable, and that made me so pissed off. It's no wonder it drove me to drink, when nothing, or no one, had, for 25 YEARS, prior to that! I was self-destructing, and I couldn't get a grip on my emotions, at all. It was horrible. I HATED IT. I am also left terrified it could happen to me again, now that I am back to being 'myself'. I hadn't thought that I would, ever, have to deal with something like that, at this point in my life. I was therefore not happy when I had to, because I didn't have a choice. It was too much for me. I am so much happier, being free, and independent. Not, controlled, by overpowering feelings. It also hurt like hell, to have someone mean so much to me and see, clearly, that I did not mean much to them. It had to be that way, too. There is more I have to say about it, in the following message to my blog readers.

A MESSAGE FROM ME TO MY READERS:

I now have readers in 60 countries around the world, and I am both amazed and humbled by that. Thank you, for sharing, my journey, through my true life story,  in this blog. It is my hope and prayer that your seeing me so openly describe my struggles and sins will assure you that you are not alone in your own challenges. The human experience is something that, we each get out of bed every day, and grapple with; with varied results for that effort. Some do better than others, and my struggle is real. I have not had the easiest time, with it, but I remain so very grateful to God that it's not been any worse. Every mercy and grace that He and others have shown to me have been the only reason that I have made it this far. 

The header of my blog, reprinted below, has been my promise to God, to myself and to my readers, that I would tell the truth in my posts to the very best of my ability, and I have done that. However, in recent months, I've been experiencing  a, very stressful, dilemma regarding, how, to write about, my, life, fully, when it involves people who are in my life right now in some way or other. Most of them know that I write a blog about my life and therefore they can potentially be in it, making them a part of my story which is being shared here with the world. I am not trying to 'gossip'. I am doing my best, to describe the effect of these people, and their sins, and shortcomings, on me, and my life, as well as, give an honest account of my own failings, and faults. I have written what there is to say about my past except that there's things I could expound on about my youngest sister. That just leaves me with what I have to say about the present. The difficulty I'm encountering, with that challenge, is that I am going into stress overload, trying  to process my thoughts and emotions in real time, without the opportunity to sit with the situation as it is for awhile, to see where the dust settles, before I make  a written pronouncement here as to how I'm feeling about whatever is going on,  in my life, at the moment. I can, capture that, fairly well, in a tweet, or post, on social media sites but to write a blog post in the in-depth way that characterizes my writing here, and seems to sum things up, with some conclusion, as I discuss or describe the subject matter, requires an achieved introspection from me that I can't always mentally muster when it is needed from me, so soon, to write these.

"I cannot make these stories from my life nice and neat or, rather, whitewashed and sweet, in order to make them more palatable, or easier to cope with, for anyone reading them. Whenever the truth gets watered-down, it stops being the truth! I have lived through all these things. It is my story. It is what it is. Our lives are greatly affected by the pervasive consequences of Original Sin, the sins of others, and our own sin, and we must acknowledge that."

As of this post, I have written 68 posts in the nearly 4 years that I have blogged. Most of them are lengthy, detailed, accounts, of whatever aspect of my life I was covering in each one, as I felt that I could deal with the particular subject matter.

Wise_Chimp @wise_chimp

Writing things down is the best way to clear your mind. Success demands clarity.

As a result of my trying my best to be completely honest about the actual events as they were, while also trying to 'be the bigger person', and heavily redact main incidents, or leave them out altogether, which could both clarify and substantiate  what I am talking about here, I now feel burdened, by my needing to write these posts, because I'm not including the meat of the matter on these current events. Especially when due to my decision to handle it this way, I am having to struggle mightily with that effort on a continual basis. This is proving to be so difficult and  draining for me that it is taxing my health in some really concerning ways, at this point. I am now frequently not feeling well, I am not sleeping well, and I seem to be stuck in a state of heightened anxiety, almost all of the time. Clearly, I cannot continue to do this to myself. This blog was begun in order for me to process the events of my life that had transpired, so that I could achieve some level of peace and healing in regard to them and their effect on me. Now the very act of writing these posts is perhaps the most toxic thing I am doing, to myself. It simply must stop. At least, for now, and for the foreseeable future. The joy of my tackling the challenge of writing-- especially, about such intimate subject matter, as the good, the bad, and the ugly, which is all a part of my life-- is completely missing for me now, in this endeavor. It has come very close to feeling like an exercise in futility.

Even though I'm only describing the people involved by general descriptions here, there is so much that I feel like I can't share, here and now, about them, that it is very hard for me to still feel that I can write coherent posts, anymore, with things as they are. I am straining, to do all that I feel like I can, to protect the person, at the heart of this post, even though, they really messed me up, emotionally, to the point that I had to call the Veterans Crisis Line, twice, and I also had to talk to my doctor on a few occasions, about the harmful effect of this, on my blood pressure, when it became elevated from this situation to a concerning degree and I couldn't get it to come back down. I have had to fight my way back, to feeling like, I am in my right and reasonable mind, again, after all of this got a grip on me and caused me to be, totally, turned away, from, my true north***. How, do I, fully, articulate something, about a person or circumstance here, when I'm leaving out all I can in these blog posts in order to avoid it being gossip? They have gossiped to, several, people, about me, regarding this very situation, which has caused others to show, open, disrespect, to me, or, at the very least, to see me in a bad light, since, they do not have, and would not, even care about, having, all, the facts, now that they have been, adversely, affected, by hearing, only one side, of the situation. I know firsthand that this person leaves out some really significant things about their part in all this, because they subjected me to a 'conversation' (verbal attack, on me) in which they tried at one point to get me to say they had no blame, and I sat silent, rather than lie about that for them; and by their own choosing they brought a few other people into that deeply distressing dialogue. They have to know God knows. When, our ultimate Judge, knows all of it, I am not willing to contradict that truth.

The only person that I did, finally, confide in about it is my best friend here, who has assured me that, he is trustworthy, with not sharing the things I've told him. The following Facebook Messenger post I sent to him recently, while I have been working on this blog post, speaks of my life improving so much, by this situation ending, and me going on with my life. I am much happier now this way, but I do realize that I also need to stop writing my blog posts, too, on a regular, required basis, as I have been doing, which is why I am writing this message to all of my readers. I have prayed about it, for some months now, and I don't feel like I am  to stop writing my blog altogether. I do-- desperately-- need to reclaim my time, and start doing alot more for my holistic health such as more exercise than I am getting by sitting here, writing, for hours and days and weeks, on end, for years. There is also a realization in me that, now that I have covered all of my past life, in large measure, by the posts that I have written over these past few years, the challenge now is for me to, actively, live my present-day life, more so than write about it. There is only so much sand, in the hour glass, of my numbered days on this earth, and I have been setting aside, fully living, my life, for years now, as I took all this time to sit here, at my computer, and write about it. My writing blog posts has not been a waste of time, because, through that, I received, alot more clarity about things, that I wrote about, which brought about more healing to my injured soul. In other ways, it has shown me, how many open wounds, there still are in my psyche, that I am not yet healed of. Two steps forward, one step back,  it feels like as I try to be my best possible self while simultaneously being such a damaged soul. As I often say summarily, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I am what I am. This relationship-- this friendship that got trampled to death by all the other feelings I found myself dealing with, in dismay-- which, this post, is about, was a source of much laughter and, frankly intermittent, support and I miss having those aspects in my life, because they made my world a happier and warmer place. It, also, left me feeling, angry, indignant, gossiped about, stressed, played, treated extremely disrespectfully, at times, and like I am actually better off without it, on the whole.

The Facebook Messenger post, to my best friend, about this relationship situation:

The helplessness of being in its grasp emotionally and the vulnerability of it being able to wreck you is truly terrifying though and I am SO GLAD to BE BACK to my SANE SELF after my bout of TEMPORARY INSANITY! LOL! I am SO MUCH HAPPIER when I am NOT in such clutches and can have RATIONAL THOUGHTS again. I've been SINGLE and CELIBATE for SEVERAL DECADES now for GOOD REASON-- I LIKE BEING SINGLE (I just don't like being CELIBATE-- but my vibrators are a WONDERFUL 'fix' for that problem!). Um Hmmm.

I am celibate, but I address my health holistically, and sexual function, is a part of that. In fact, because, I have been living celibate, for so long, I developed vaginal atrophy according to my doctor, and was told that I needed to insert something in my vagina for stimulating blood flow, to try to stop the progression of this-- which can become increasingly problematic if it is not dealt with. That is why I started to rely on vibrators, because, an actual partner, has not been an option, for me, and my health-- body, soul, and spirit-- is very important to me. I have found that it's also a great stress release, which is an added bonus! Because vibrators are a very necessary part of my life now due to the vaginal atrophy, and a routine part of my healthcare-- doctor's orders-- my best friend, who happens to be, a male, is used to me saying that word. He's heard me use it regularly (the word not the vibrator, LOL!)-- probably 50 times so far. The ONCE I said it to this other guy, when I was drunk, he hung up on me. I sit here, shaking my head, at that, because, he is the same guy that stood outside my bathroom window, one day,... and is a hypocrite. I saw that and God saw that, so his acting holier-than-thou doesn't cut it with me. I also, didn't, act all self-righteous, or gossip about him, or make trouble, about it. I am a Christian saved by grace, but I do not feign a personal holiness that I don't have, and would never do so with someone that has seen different behavior, from me, and knows who I am, aside from that facade. I told him one day it was CRAP.

Although I have always published my blog posts on a regular schedule, to make it easier for my readers to know when the next one was available to them, and also, have let you know if something came up which was delaying a post, giving a time that I thought it would be published, online, after that delay, I am not going to be able to do that anymore, going forward, at least, for awhile. I really, really, really, need, to-- totally-- change, my daily habits, and routine, to address all my health concerns, and hopefully connect with more of a sense of being well grounded and at peace, again. >sigh< I believe, it's become a matter of survival, for me, at this point, and possibly, even, a life-or-death decision, because of the terrible toll, this stress has taken, on me, especially, in recent months. I hope, you will forgive me, and indulge me, as I do this for myself, now. Whenever I do post something new, on my blog, I will post a notice about that on social media: Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I have an Instagram account, but don't really enjoy using that platform, at this juncture. I also need to spend alot less time on social media going forward. I have health programs that I have never viewed or engaged with, for learning Tai Chi, for developing my yoga poses, for doing more dance-ercise routines and even

some movies, which I purchased, years ago, but have never even seen (including, Fifty Shades Of Grey-- inspiration for fantasies, that are the necessary fuel for the vibrators to work!). I need to exercise more, including walk more. Sitting, so long,

as I do here while I am writing these lengthy blog posts, has caused me to have a pain in my hip, that I cannot allow, because it can progress, into causing me to be lame. I have a long list of projects that I need to do, on my home, and I also want to do more cooking, and baking, and sharing those things, with others, as I can. A vacation, would do me a world of good, as well. I haven't had one for many years.

@xirtempest Sometimes, the truth is so incredibly difficult to accept, it feels like it betrays you. It cuts so deeply into your perception of reality, your ego dies for a moment. Then you come back and realize your closest and dearest friend disguised as the enemy, actually saved your life.

I have tears in my eyes saying this but the inevitable rejection by my friend that I so deeply cared about left me feeling so damaged in my self-esteem, even though I know that, there was no other possible outcome, regardless, of the value I do or do not have as a human being, so in that sense I really should not take it as hard as I have, personally. Nevertheless, I need to do what I can to repair the damage to myself, which has manifested in several different forms as I have acted out my anger and pain that this even happened to me at all, when I didn't expect it and I wasn't wanting it. I can only work on me, and at this point, I feel that, I have alot of work to do, on me. In fact, that, alone, should, keep me quite busy, for awhile! So, thank you again, readers, for your presence in my life. For being companions, to me, as I walk the path that is unique to who and what and where I am in life. I promise I will keep you posted if I publish anything new on this blog of mine, and you are always welcome to check back, to see for yourself, as well. You may even get something out of reading past posts. There are now 68 posts, to choose from.

Christine @cmd8495 
It's not that you're afraid of love. It's the fear that everyone else is just like the last person who destroyed you.

- Deb Robinson

 

                                                           

* slick: a person who is smooth and persuasive but untrustworthy. 

** crazymaking: (Urban Dictionary definition) obsessive thoughts or overwhelming desire for something or someone, that causes a conflict struggle between meeting moral versus primitive needs/urges.

*** true north: "We’re talking about your own true north. That inner sense of what you want to accomplish in life. That calling keeps you on the right track, to being your authentic self." https://www.betterup.com/blog/find-your-true-north