Where Things Stand, For Me, Right Now:

I chose the title of this blog post to catch you up on what's been going on in my life because I haven't been blogging for a few months, but I'm also using it as a reference to my current leg injuries, that I'm trying to recover from, for the last couple of weeks or so now. I'm frustrated by being sidelined in some ways, with that, because I was so productive lately, getting through my lengthy 'To Do List'

in a much faster and more fulfilling way, than I had been doing for quite awhile. Not blogging was one of the biggest reasons that happened because all of those hours, over several days, it, usually, takes me to write most of these posts, was freed up to use toward achieving that goal instead. Being able to focus on these other things that are also important to me was a wonderful feeling, reducing my stress more as each task was checked off my list as being "done" finally. I made some real progress but I still have more to do, that I can't do currently, because those are the very things that led to injuring both my legs. My left leg is healing much faster than the right one. I was on my knees, for prolonged periods, to do  the big project that was still on my list. It was coming together well! I was close  to finally being finished with it, until I had to stop-- for now at least-- because of both my legs swelling up from my knees all the way through both my feet. It has affected what I can do and not do to some extent although thankfully (especially since, I live alone, and must be able to be autonomous, to care for myself) I am able to bear weight on both legs, as well as sit and stand. My left leg appears to  be improving but I have had little-to-no improvement of my right leg so far. It is the more swollen of the two, and the only one with any pain, due to the injuries.

Everything about having good health has taken on much more importance to me as I have gotten older. My concerns are compounded by the fact that if I lose my ability to be independent everything else that matters most to me will be deeply, and possibly permanently, affected by that. Young people can, usually, take their good health for granted, but as we age, that often changes, significantly. When I was in my early twenties, I recall feeling so bored, because of life being so much of 'the same old same old' almost all the time. As I got older, and, also, because, so many things on this earth seem to be becoming more unstable and uncertain,  I've realized that being bored is a true luxury, which far too many people on this planet don't ever have any ability to experience in their lives, at all, due to being  in war zones, or in areas of famine, flood, or fire, and so many other really scary scenarios. I have truly been blessed, so far, to have lived for more than 68 years on earth and be in the, general, circumstances in which I've almost always found myself. Even though I've gone through some truly traumatizing things in my life, as well as some deeply heartbreaking ones, I have never had enemy tanks on my street, or missiles flying overhead my home. I have gone hungry, at times, but it was never due to an inescapable famine in the country that I live in. I have been raped, but I have never had my female parts mutilated by misogynists. As I type this, the entire planet is feeling anxious, because of so much going on that we all wish wouldn't be. Life, is so fragile, and fleeting, and precarious, and precious! It amazes and appalls me how carelessly and callously many people choose to treat this gift of life, whether their own or the lives of others. We're all just one breath, or one heartbeat, away from no longer existing on the earth, and so many things, and far too many people, can take that privilege from us, or from our loved ones. 

Even with all the blessings, that I have had, in my life, by the time I came to live here I was more than a little the worse for wear, and was feeling fairly exhausted from everything that I have been (put) through and from the impact of people on me, who-- in whatever way(s), and for whatever reason(s)-- haven't had my best interests at heart, and who probably didn't treat me the way, they, would want to be treated, if things between us had been reversed. When all of the bull crap and the heartbreak that I have been through here happened to me, on top of all that, it almost cost me my life, by being 'the final straw', breaking me. The struggle to not commit suicide was real, and it truly frightened me, because I deeply cherish the gift of life, and try hard to take care of my health and such, to, hopefully, live  a long life. That was about a year ago, that I had to struggle mightily, to not give in to those thoughts of self-destruction. I almost didn't make it through that, and  it really took a toll on me. Until I moved here, I had never really experienced the  bullying that leads people to commit suicide. When I would see news stories, and read articles, about people going through this, I used to wonder, how words from other people could cause anyone to despair of living. I couldn't imagine that. I've just gotten tears in my eyes, typing this, now, because what I am about to say is that, NOW I KNOW, because, people here, have put me through that. My eyes are filled to the brim with tears now, because of the sadness, and the anger, I feel, at being mistreated this way. They couldn't possibly have any good reason for doing this to me, but that hasn't stopped them; and these are grown adults in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80s. Their behavior deeply disgusts me. Especially when it has come from the, supposedly, 'devout' Christians, that should know better-- and, do better. The fact that they have been the 'leaders' of this movement, to disrespect, and discredit, me, has made it even more painful for me, because they know that  I am also a Christian. This community could have been something truly special for everyone here, but they, chose, to interject this toxicity into the lives of residents here, and it can't be undone now. The damage has been done. Not only to me but to others they targeted as well-- some of whom moved away to escape it and how bad it made them feel. Others moved away who weren't targeted, but didn't like it being such a prominent part of life here, and its effect on the, social, atmosphere.

I just looked at myself in the mirror, and I look, tired, pale, and, noticeably, older, than when I moved here full of excitement at, finally, having this miracle happen, for me, of owning my own home. From my very first day here, the main leader of the clique, also the main instigator, of people treating me badly, from, ostracizing me, to defaming me by outright lies, has disrupted and destroyed my privacy and my peace. It can never be undone-- all the damage that has caused to my life, in this community, by affecting and undermining my initial opportunities for healthy, happy, relationships, with the residents, and staff-- causing me to continually feel ill-at-ease and uncertain, as to what the people that I am interacting with actually believe about me, from all the gossip and untruths told about me, by these clique members, and others, as it spread. I am deeply angry about it. There is no way I will ever choose to be friends with these people who have done this to me. It told me all I need or want to know about their own character. After receiving advice to practice 'Radical Acceptance'* of them, though, for my own sake, I recently began trying to at least act 'neighborly' when I encounter them by being willing to speak to them as I pass by. It is one of the hardest things I have ever even attempted. I don't like them!-- for how they treated me-- and I don't trust them enough to feel safe being vulnerable, around, or with, them.  My main coping mechanism for how I deal with people who mistreat me has always been to, shut down, and withdraw.

I honestly didn't think that I could even attempt to 'accept' these people. This is a very small community though that seems to very often be mainly fueled by gossip

wearing the more pious mask of concern. Maybe, I am just being cynical, to put it that way, but my instincts say that I am right about this-- especially regarding the clique members-- because, if I weren't, how does one explain how these Christian people (that many, but not all, of the clique claim to be) never showed me a bit of 'godly' concern, while they were defaming me, to anyone and everyone they tried to recruit into the clique, against me? Especially the 'leaders', who knew that I am a Christian 'sister in the Lord', and that I had chosen to show them grace and care even after they started disrespecting me, in the beginning, to demonstrate that to them. What they said about me was so over-the-top, and so hateful, that the time came when my normal reaction, to such treatment, to just avoid them, altogether, as much as possible, became how I coped. I disliked them, to the point that, even the sight of them, filled me with resentment, rage, and other unhealthy emotions, boiling inside of me, continually. It was affecting my health, and well-being, while they lived their lives happily because this wasn't being done to them but by them. For my own sake, I had to try to accept that this is who these people are. I'm not even the only resident that they did this type of crap to. I'm just the main target.

Because it is not based on my liking these people (because I don't) but on simply accepting that, they are who they are, and it is what it is, I had to, really, grapple with making the conscious choice to even say "Hi" to them. It took everything, in me, but I did start doing that, this past week. Someone who knew I considered it asked me if I felt better, now that I had started to at least be social, toward them, and I replied, no, I do not feel any better. Only my outward behavior changed. Not my feelings about, all, the ways and times, throughout, my years living here, they have openly shown me disrespect and even outright hostility. They made a choice. There are consequences, for choices that we make in this life. Including, for them.

 

The only thing concerning me, about my being willing to treat them civilly, now, is that they will misperceive my actions, as somehow accepting that, what they have done, is 'okay' with me, when nothing could be further from the truth. I choose to try to be nice toward almost everyone, as much as possible, but unfortunately, it's often taken as 'weakness' or 'stupidity' by people that can't comprehend the great strength (including strength of character) that it takes for me to do that, at times.

So, that is something new that I am trying (without, much desire, or enthusiasm) to accomplish-- for my own sake. Disliking them, as much as I do, was eating me up inside. My focus, and concern, are for my own health and well-being. If God is going to accomplish anything else, in this situation, He is going to have to do it. I acknowledge that He can; especially, since my change in behavior has opened up  a door, for Him to work through. But, I can tell you, it would take, a true miracle!

Some significant things, have happened to me, here, which I consider to be true miracles. God finally blessed me with a home of my very own-- which was, truly, impossible, when I started crying out to Him about my needing this, for my soul.  But, I saw the circumstances, and timing, coming together, in such a way that, it could only be Him bringing this to be. That fact has comforted me a lot, including as I struggled with being suicidal last Spring. While I have often felt undermined, by all the gossip here, I cling, tenaciously, to what I know to be true and of good report**, from the Lord, who is, Himself, Truth. Romans 8:28 is the banner Bible verse over me: "And we know that  God causes everything  to work together  for the  good  of  those  who  love  God  and  are called according to His purpose for them." (NLT) While I see some of the miracles that He has done for me, with my own eyes, others are things that He has done in my heart. That shows me that I can have my heart changed, by Him,-- including, how I feel toward people, if He so chooses. It is not always possible to fathom all the ways, and means, that are the catalysts for change in our lives. Some seem sent by God, but, others, more like some Special Delivery from the Devil himself. In the end, though, God is the one who causes everything to work together for our good-- even the things that, seem to us to be, so bad, especially as we are in the midst of experiencing them.

I have often cried out to God for a 'special someone', to love, and be loved by, in my life. That still has never come together for me, but there are times that I feel that, all things considered, where men are concerned, God is trying to spare me, from, more, of the aggravation, and angst, that men seem to bring into my life. I have such a deep capacity for love. Most, humans, never get to see that, though, because they usually don't inspire, or awaken that, in my heart. I have learned to be very circumspect, and cautious, where other human beings are concerned, due to being handled so carelessly and coldly by so many of them, throughout my life.

I have been significantly let down (an understatement!) by so many people, in so  many ways. I am generally extremely wary of other human beings, which, makes it very difficult for one of them to get into my heart. That is a sacred space, to be sure. Very few people have been able to do it, and probably have no idea, what a compliment, that is, to them, when they do. I've dated countless men. I was also married, several, times, before I, finally, realized, in my thirties, that I do not like marriage, and I have stayed single ever since. Yet there have only been two men  in my entire life, so far, who completely captured my heart. The tragedy of that is neither one of them even wanted it. As I stare at that sentence, I shake my head, trying to make sense of that. The odds should have been in my favor, that, out of all the men, I have known in my life, ONE, would have been my soul mate. When  I was working as a dancer I talked to thousands of men in those nightclubs, and I even married two of them from there, but I didn't really love either one of them. I just tried (and failed) to make the best of a bad situation. The first man that ever actually captured my heart (and then threw it back) was my second husband Jim; my son's father. My heart was solidly stuck on him. I couldn't get over loving him, no matter how hard I tried. In the meantime, he married a wonderful woman, as his second wife, and they've had a very good marriage, together, all these years. 

The only other man, that my heart ever truly loved, was not even trying to get in my heart, and I don't think that either one of us saw that coming, or were happy about it, at all. All I got was the worst heartbreak of my life, and the unexpected gift that, he was able to finally bump Jim out of where he had been lodged in my heart without budging for so many years. That, amazed me, because no one had ever been anywhere near able to do that, and this man did it without trying to! I suffered, enormously, trying to get over the man, that 'cured me' of loving Jim. I  was finally able to kill the butterflies and stop the weak knees he caused, and get free of the torment of that, by allowing myself to feel the anger, in me, at how he disrespected me and humiliated me as his way of reacting to the unwelcome and unwanted feelings that I had for him. He was an expert exterminator of my love. My heart's finally free of deeply loving any man now, which I consider to be a gift to me, because I am fully open to finding my person now, if God made a man for me. Maybe that old expression, "The third time's the charm", will be true for me, where love is concerned! I, finally, feel excited, about the possibilities, instead of feeling stuck loving either one of the two men that, for their own reasons, didn't want me. This is one of the main reasons that I stopped blogging, the end of last year, until I resumed it, now. Sitting here writing this is not getting me outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and isn't helping me meet someone who might be my soul mate, before I run out of time to ever have them in my life if I do find them. 

Right before I decided to attempt the 'Radical Acceptance' regarding my situation here, I felt the toxic impact of living surrounded by clique members so strongly, I didn't think it would be good for my holistic health to continue to live like this. For a very brief moment in time, I seriously leaned toward leaving, but God reminded me what He did for me, to bring me here, and give me my home, and that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), which is what I've been up against here, because, it IS such a GREAT BLESSING, from GOD, for me. Acts 2:28 (NLT) says, "You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence." I have often told God that, I trust Him, because, I can take Him at His Word. He DID bring me here, and He DID give me my home, that brings me such joy every day. I just have to keep on trusting Him, to work out all the other stuff.

I am trying to get past all that. I would so much rather have a positive report, to share with you, such as the 'Radical Acceptance' bringing something about that's better for us all. This could be such a great place, for ALL of us to be, if this kind  of petty crap was stopped, once and for all, and everyone made a genuine effort  to behave better toward one another. God does miracles, so there's always hope! 

I have been delayed in getting the last few things of my 'To Do List' done, while I try to heal my two legs. Since, working on those projects led to these injuries, in the first place, I don't think I should do anymore of them, unless and until all the swelling and tenderness goes down. This frustrating setback is keeping me home right now, preventing my getting out there to meet new people beyond this small community which, I hope, will lead to my, finally, finding true love, at some point! If you pray, please pray for my health and healing, and that I find the RIGHT guy to CAPTURE MY HEART, next time I fall in love. When I pray about it, I tell God, I  hope, whoever he is, will have similar attributes to the only two men I have ever truly loved, but maybe not the same faults (even though everybody has some). I  did not feel respected by either one of the men I loved, and that is a pet peeve of mine. At the very least, I hope the man for me will love music, love to dance, and make me laugh! I also hope they will be honest with me because I hate being lied to. I don't see how anyone can truly love someone that doesn't respect them, and that is not honest with them. Sexual attraction, however strong, only goes so far.

If this healing of my legs takes a long time, I might not have much of anything to  share with you here next month, because of being so curtailed and constrained by it. It is so frustrating, because I truly thought I would already be totally done with the long 'To Do List', finally, and fixing myself up, and getting out of the house, to go explore, and enjoy some of my hobbies such as photography and drawing, and hopefully meet some fun people to become friends with, and maybe my Mr. Right!

(If I do meet 'my guy', there are going to be some, private, things that I won't be sharing, here, of course, because I don't want him to resent my being a blogger!)   

* Radical Acceptance: "At its most basic, radical acceptance is a practice that involves accepting emotions, thoughts and circumstances that are unchangeable and out of your control. To radically accept means to completely recognize and accept the reality you’re in—even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Regularly practicing radical acceptance can help us cope with painful emotions so we can move on or even come up with a plan to make an uncomfortable situation better." - Nicole McDermott https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-radical-acceptance/#:~:text=At%20its%20most%20basic%2C%20radical,reality%20includes%20pain%20or%20discomfort.

** "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4:8 (King James Bible)

You Can't Change How You Really Feel . . .

. . . but those feelings may change.

We feel what we feel. Even if or when we try to change whatever that is, rise above whatever that is, deny whatever that is, repent of whatever that is, wish we didn't feel whatever that is, hate feeling whatever that is, feel sad, depressed, angry, or some other dark emotion, about whatever that is... and so forth.

Someone can browbeat you because of what you feel, even try to 'beat it out of you' in some way, including physically, such as when a parent spanks a child, or an abusive person strikes their partner. They try to punish you for feeling what you feel, to try to make you stop feeling whatever that is, for whatever reason they have for doing that. But, while they can make you sit down, on the outside, so to speak, by, outwardly, altering your behavior, because you want to avoid more of their punishment, you may still be standing up, on the inside, feeling whatever it is that you truly feel in your heart of hearts. This causes stress for the person who is simply feeling honest emotions, which they didn't create, and they can't control. Emotions that perhaps they are very unhappy about having, themselves; that they wish were not within them. Yet, they cannot just make those disappear, even when the feelings are painful, inconvenient, embarrassing, or unwanted-- by someone else, themselves, or both. Not even when they are made the target of retaliation, or public humiliation, judgement, and scorn, for whatever it is that they feel.

People lying to me is my main pet peeve. It causes me not to trust them, which causes me not to respect them, which destroys alot, or even all, of the positive feelings I may have had about that person. Lying about me is right up there, too, as something that I tend to loathe people for doing to me. There is no way to feel friendly toward anyone who defames my character and undermines my reputation, usually to try to make themselves look like a better person than they are, at my expense. The last person that I truly loved did, both, those things, to me, but I welcomed that, from him, inasmuch as I didn't want to love him in the first place, and I knew that it would go a long way in destroying the caring feelings that I had. It took a while, but that did finally happen, setting me free from the bondage of it.

I had already, always, been doing whatever I could, to get those feelings out of my heart. I didn't see them coming, I didn't want them in me, and I wanted it to stop, for my own sake. I had hated being in the throes of something that strong, that I couldn't control, despite my best efforts. I was dismayed, and daunted, by that. Even so, his doing those hurtful things to me was very effective in eating away at whatever good feelings I had toward him. That finally broke it, in me, as I ended up, not trusting him, not respecting him, not feeling any affection toward him, having no desire toward him, and generally wanting nothing to do with him, if I could possibly help it. So, I feel alot better now! I had felt like my mind had been hijacked, by those feelings, that had come out of nowhere, and then completely overwhelmed me. But my sanity has been restored to me, now, so I can think rationally again. It feels almost as if I have been freed from the pit of Hell itself.

Instead of the heat of passion, that used to grip me, when I thought of him, and, literally, nearly bring me to my knees, as my legs gave way from all the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I now feel something like disdain, and a coolness toward him that would make brusque cordiality all I could muster toward him if I ever had to interact with him again in the future (which I am intent on continuing to avoid, all that I possibly can, because of how badly he treated me for feeling what I felt, in spite of my trying not to, and I never tried to force on him). I don't like him as a person, after seeing how many ways he chose to (often publicly) shame me, when I wasn't doing anything at all that warranted that from him. God as my witness. 

I don't think that I hate him (although sometimes it feels like I do), despite his causing me to become so despondent, by how badly he treated me, when I was doing nothing at all to deserve to be treated that way, that at one point I truly didn't think that I would survive it. He continually treated me so disrespectfully, and almost always in front of an audience of other people. I became suicidal about it, briefly, but that is a dangerous place to find oneself emotionally, regardless of how quickly it passed, with the help of a friend, and by God's Grace. I think that it must simply be his male ego causing him to refuse to let go of believing that I still have those feelings for him, because I couldn't seem to convince him otherwise, despite telling him that plainly to his face. I think that's actually rather funny, and pathetic, that he really doesn't seem able to see himself through my eyes, to know my aversion toward him. What I see in him now, isn't very nice, for the most part.

 

What I see-- who I came to know him as-- is not someone that I would ever think highly enough of to want to be with, even if that were possible, which it isn't, anyway. I deserve way better than that type of person, and I have spent half my life choosing to do without a man because of that fact. I was very thrown by the feelings that I had toward him for awhile, because I wasn't able to control my emotions, as much as I wanted to, and tried. I struggled constantly, and mightily, to get rid of those feelings I had for him. I didn't make the warm feelings that I used to have toward him happen, and I didn't cause the cool feelings that I have toward him now to happen. How he treated me caused both those things in me. He acted, and I reacted. Cause and effect. Life happens and we feel what we feel.

Now I am immune to his calculating charm, because I see him for who he is, and who that is, is a man that I would never be able to trust again. Trust is a critical component of loving someone, for me. Even with friends, or family members. I used to consider him a friend. He destroyed that. He is such a jerk toward me that when I have simply smiled, to be polite, or been courteous, to be civil, he started ranting and raving at me-- almost always in front of some third party-- accusing me of still having feelings for him. He doesn't seem to notice that I continue to consciously avoid him, which I have actually done for a long time now. I just don't need his bullshit. He was disrespectful toward me even before all this happened.

It is offensive to me, especially because I am not doing anything toward him at all to be accused of anything like that. But, it also makes him seem really silly to me. After all, WHAT IS THERE TO LIKE, in being treated this way, by him? I truly think he just tries to keep this thing going for the sake of his own ego. Proverbs 28:1 says that "The wicked run when no one is chasing them." I think this describes him because, among alot of other things, he has lied to me, gossiped about me, caused people to openly judge me when they wouldn't have had any reason to, otherwise. He is a Christian. Jesus wouldn't do any of those things toward me.

                                                                                                      

He keeps acting like I am sinning toward him, while the whole time, in various ways, he is sinning toward me by biblical standards. Instead of thumping his Bible at me, he should read the verses that apply to his own sins. Hypocrite. He has openly condemned ME for FEELINGS I had, that I never tried to act on, but he seems to have no problem lying, or spreading gossip about me, which are sins that have had real consequences in my life, including damaging my relationships with other people who would otherwise have no other reason to treat me badly; but they have done that on his behalf to show their bias for and support of him. I once felt like he was my favorite person on the planet. I once considered him to be my best friend. I believed that he was actually trying to help me with some serious things that I really needed someone's support for. I didn't want to have other feelings. They just happened, when I wasn't expecting them to happen at all, which really threw me. But my reaction to that happening was always to try to stop it. I never tried to act on those feelings toward him. I didn't try to hurt him.

 

Now I feel much happier, having nothing at all to do with him-- not interacting with him, or having to endure more unprompted and undeserved accusations from him, when I know that I am merely being polite to him in the most basic of ways during any interactions. His doing that, to me, so many times, especially, when I did not deserve it, finally made me feel so frustrated that I lost my temper about it, and said "Fuck you!" to his face. I had just had it with his bullshit. Since then, my only goal regarding him has been to avoid him if at all possible which I continue doing. 

I am enjoying my private life now, and he has nothing to do with that. He is not welcome in that anymore. I am much happier now without him anywhere around me! If I was simply smiling (to be congenial, rather than hostile), he accused me of having feelings for him, that he had already destroyed in me, by mistreating me, so much. If I acted happy, or joyful, for reasons that had nothing to do with him, he glared at me suspiciously, as if my vivacious personality (that is 'me', when I am simply enjoying my life, in general) was some 'come on' toward him. If I had a conversation with him about things that were not remotely personal, he went off on me that it was really about him. It was so frustrating trying to deal with him, and he took it to the point of such ridiculousness, that I finally lost my temper. I had always felt very angry about that, but I finally just quit holding my tongue about it for the sake of trying to at least remain on pleasant terms with him when I needed to talk to him about non-personal things that were important. 

To make it even more maddening than it was, I had actually been actively avoiding him, for a lengthy amount of time, but even so, several times, he saw me walking past, on my way to go somewhere, or to speak with someone else, etc., and he would call out to me (which I tried to ignore, if I were far enough away from him to seem to not hear him), when I was living my life and minding my own business. He also came up to me, to interject himself into my conversations with someone else, or to show me something personal on his phone that he thought would interest me, and such, when I was not even talking to him, nor trying to talk to him. I would have preferred not to, truth be told, as interacting with him was rarely if ever enjoyable for me. I often found him to be very irritating and annoying, from the very beginning, which is one of the biggest reasons why I was shocked when I did develop a crush on him, for a short time, that felt pretty intense in me, for awhile. Nevertheless, I chose to respond politely, when he did these things, while he continually accused me of having ulterior motives related to some strong feeling for him (that I had already told him, clearly, no longer existed in me), whenever I needed to converse with him-- with someone else present!-- that was in no way personal, or affectionate toward him. It was so unfair. Because I was not doing anything to deserve to be continually accused of feelings for him that I did not have, for a long time now, I realized he kept it going for some selfish reason, at my expense, but I have never been sure of what his agenda actually is, for his doing that to me. He almost always seemed to do it in front of others, apparently to discredit me, for whatever his reason. Perhaps just for his ego.

People often make this mistake with me, then wonder why I change toward them.

I held my temper, and my tongue, about it, far, far, far, longer than I should have, but when I finally lost my temper at him about it, he acted like the victim, then, too, and blamed me, as if he didn't have that coming, for how badly, and unfairly, he had been treating me, for so long. Personally, I think he is a chauvinist, and a misogynist, at heart. I also began to notice, whenever I would read things about narcissists online, that he almost always matched what that was describing. That was the scariest realization of all, because a narcissist will intentionally set out to destroy a person, their self-esteem, their life, and their happiness, out of whatever egotistical reasons, that they convince themselves, due to their own deep-seated insecurities, that they are entitled to do that, to their target. He seemed to enjoy subjecting me to his unfair accusations, and he did so often with a smirk on his face, like it was some fun game to him that he was really enjoying at my expense.

 

But I just gave it all to God, who knows the full truth about everything, and have done my best to go on with my own life, which he is not directly a part of. That's another reason I want to find my 'Mr. Right', finally. With, that, man, in my life, I couldn't keep being accused of things, anymore, that I am not feeling, or doing.

 

Even so, precisely because feelings are complicated, this man, that has been doing all this to me, is one of only a couple of people who have affected me so deeply that they have actually changed who I am as a person, forever, in both good ways (believe it or not) and bad ways. The other one of those people was my second husband, Jim. For better, and for worse, it is what it is; or, was. I am glad to be past those romantic emotions, toward both those men, so my heart is fully open to embrace a future with a man that hopefully will not mistreat me, as these two men did, each in their own way. If I don't ever meet such a man-- one that I deserve, that will treat me well-- I will continue to do without, rather than settle for less. My head thinks alot more clearly with all the butterflies gone from my gut, and I know that I would not want either one of these two men, that I loved the most in my life, so far, to be with me, because they would not make me happy. I don't want the type of life that they live, either. It is just not my scene. I prefer alot of alone time, as an introvert. People, in general, are a huge drain, to me. They both like having alot of people around them. I'm very private. I also could never trust either one of those two men again. Without trust, and respect, there can be no love, of any kind, including friendship. I choose to appreciate the good things that they brought into my life, and I try to let go of the bad things; and put it all behind me.

I should have continued trusting my gut, because it's a very good judge of people. Had I done that I could have avoided the whole situation with the accuser. My very first impressions of him were that, he was a chauvinist, had a very condescending streak in him that seemed to come from him being full of himself; that, because of that, or some other reason, he, definitely, didn't respect me; that he did not want to bother to do the right thing by me, if he could possibly avoid it, when I needed his help; that he was very manipulative; not a truthful person; and, at times, was even rather stupid. When my feelings did change toward him, in spite of all these things, it was partly because he began to behave very differently toward me, and he has a powerful, practiced, charm, that he used to weave his spell on me. Even so it was primarily a physical attraction to his manliness, for me. l'm also a sucker (clearly) for anyone who makes me laugh-- which, he managed to do, quite often.

I was excited to see myself start falling in love with David-- the man I met online, not long ago, on a singles' dating website. I was so hopeful that he was 'the one'! We talked about anything and everything, we made one another laugh, we were sexually turned on by one another. It was a mutual attraction that seemed to be blossoming into real love. I was brokenhearted, when it fell apart, with him, just before we were finally going to meet in person, because I found out that he was doing 'the typical man thing' of telling me some things that he wasn't really honest about, in order to 'get lucky' with me. I was shocked, because I had always been completely honest with him about everything, and thought he was doing the same. I was also hurt, and angry, about it. I had told him how important respecting me, and being honest with me, was, to me, and that if a man didn't do those things toward me it was a deal breaker. There would be no romantic relationship. David had given me his phone number, just before this happened that it fell apart with us, because we were actually making the plans for him to come stay with me that upcoming weekend. I never called him, though, after that, even though I have missed him and thought of him so often, ever since then. I can't seem to forget about David. Sometimes, I am tempted to call him. But then, I don't, because I told him clearly how imperative it was that he respect me and be honest with me, and he missed the mark, with those things. I have to stay strong, and let it go. 

I have high standards for any man that I would ever be willing to give my heart to. I am more casual with my body, meaning that I would have sex with a man, that I was attracted to, and had a strong chemistry with, even if I was not in love with him. That was not the case, years ago, when I had convinced myself, due to my religious upbringing, that I had to be in love-- or at least have the intent to get married to the man-- to have sex with them. That stern and stuffy puritanical morality imposed its suffocating straitjacket on my personal fulfillment, and led to my having several divorces. It was male-patriarchy-created-religiosity, largely to get, and control, women, rearing its ugly head, to get women to compromise what we really want and need, in order to have a man in our lives and our bed, and it caused me alot of grief, in the past, when I tried to abide by it, because I ended up with the short end of that deal; every time. That is why I say in my singles' site profiles that I have no interest in being married again. Ever. I was very attracted to David (still am; sigh!) and was already starting to fall in love with him. So, we very likely would have had sex had he come here to meet me the weekend that it all fell apart. I haven't been able to get David, or that fact, out of my mind. I just keep consoling myself that I found out just in time to avoid another heartbreak. It would never work out, between me and any man that does not respect me; which includes, being honest with me, and treating me well, among other things. I knew I was far too attracted to David to resist going back into it with him, if he tried to get with me, after it fell apart, so I deleted my profile on that website. I still have my other profile, on another singles' dating website, and in my Inbox, just today, there were four, new, men, messaging me. One even looks somewhat promising! 

I am really picky because I know what I am worth, so it's really hard for me to find someone that I want to be with. I am encouraged, by finding-- two!-- good guys, from this online search, for love and sex, already, though, in Joe and David, even though those didn't work out, when it came to meeting one another. Joe was just plain hot. He pushed EVERY button with me, as far as being a total sexual turn-on. But, David had more depth to him, and he was attractive, which is why he was the one of the two I started falling for. Maybe, 'the third time's the charm' with this singles' site search! I am very hopeful, optimistic, and excited, about my future prospects for finding the romantic fulfillment that I have never, really, found, in my life. The closest I ever came was with my second husband, Jim, but he still fell far short of someone that I would be willing to spend my life with. So, I divorced him (even though he was great in bed). Regardless of whether I ever find my 'Mr. Right' or not, true feelings-- whatever they are-- JUST ARE. I can't MAKE myself feel love for someone, or stop feeling love for them. It'll either happen, or it won't.

We cannot control what we feel. I don't think that any of us decide, in our heads, what we will feel, about people, or places, etc. Our emotions reflect our honest reaction to how we experience people, places, and things, that come through our lives. I still feel like I am partly in love with David, even though I won't call him, because he lied to me, and I hate that, because it ruins relationships for me when I can't trust someone. I love the beach, but I have friends that don't like it at all. I hate pasta, while it seems that most people love it. I did not plan to hate pasta, or try to hate pasta. I just feel a genuine dislike for pasta. When we encounter people or experience things, our feelings-- whatever those are-- just naturally occur in us, as a consequence of how that affected us. I hope I get to experience mutual love!

How can I deeply love someone, whom I later feel nothing at all for, but wariness, distrust, and resentment? The answer to that question seems to me to be that we only know other people in the way(s) that they choose to reveal themselves to us, by how they behave, which triggers emotions in us that we can't control, one way or the other. Those feelings are just our natural reaction to what the other person decides to show us about who they are. That emotional reaction that we have, to how we perceive them, is subject to change if and when what they show us about themselves changes. If we believe someone is being truthful with us, and later we discover that they lied to us, it profoundly affects how we feel toward that person.

I have been fooled, and betrayed, by people, that I truly cared about, causing me to be 'once bitten, twice shy' in regard to them going forward (compound that, for multiple 'bites', from some of them, including friends that I gave my full trust to-- which was a huge compliment to them-- only to realize that my doing so was a big mistake). I am to the point, now, that I really wonder, is anyone, or anything, ever really, who, or what, we think they are? It amazes me, that we can go from loving someone, even more than any other person on the planet that we've ever known, and then find ourselves wondering if we ever, really, knew them, at all. Even more than that, it's like they've become some kind of stranger to us, now, that we don't know, and that we don't think, now, that we even want to know. Feelings changed.

I Hate Roller Coasters & I've Been On One

This is dedicated to a, very patient, caring, friend of mine, who helped me survive this particular 'dark night of the soul', that I am describing in this post. Her name, is not given here, however, for fear that she would then be even more targeted by the clique where we live, than she already is. I have worried, excessively, that she will be even further mistreated by these people if they know that she is my friend.

She was my light, helping, to lead me back to sanity, when darkness overtook me.

I hate roller coasters, whether they are mechanical, or emotional. I do not like the ride they take me on. I like, standing on solid ground, and having the sense that I have sure footing, in my situation. I have not had that feeling of security, for quite awhile now. I am, currently, recovering from, what could only be described as, my having a nervous breakdown*. Everything I have been through (been put through by people), became too much to bear, and I fell into such a dark despair that, all I could do, for awhile, was free fall, helplessly, as I struggled to even find the will to go on. Basic things, like showering or brushing my hair, were neglected because it took any strength that I could still find, within me, to battle the despondency, that had me in its clutches, and was shaking the very life out of me. I have never been so scared that I would not be able to survive, what life was handing me to have to deal with, and I have been through ALOT, in my life. As I clung to my faith in God, I sent up, weak, whispered, prayers pleading for God to "help me!" because I was barely eating, or sleeping, or functioning, well, at all. What I was experiencing felt like being in an airplane that was headed nose first straight toward the ground, at full speed, unable to pull itself up, to avoid crashing. I was doing all I could, but it was not enough. NOTHING, was working. The pain of the situation pummeled me.

I posted this on my personal FACEBOOK page:

I am just tired. Too MUCH heartache for too LITTLE joy. Hope just feels like a liability to me. It seems like it always opens me up to MORE PAIN &    DISAPPOINTMENT & GENUINE CRUELTY from people. I DON'T WANT my heart to believe it can ever HAVE what it WANTS. It FEELS LIKE A LIE. I'm going to settle for what I CAN have and DO ALL I CAN to be ENTHUSIASTIC about those things. I don't know how else to keep going. MY HEART IS SO BROKEN. There are no words.

I also posted:

I am living this.

On Twitter, I retweeted this tweet, that I saw in my Timeline:

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Gossip can be an insidious form of bullying or harassment. If the intent is to demean, propagate lies or half truths about people, or designed to hurt, denigrate and destroy reputations behind people's backs, then gossip has crossed a line into harassment.

Adding, my own comment, onto the retweet:

I AM LIVING THIS. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!

A friend on Twitter sent me this. It describes EXACTLY HOW I FEEL right now:

I have A REALLY GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM ONLINE which REALLY HELPS ME ALOT.

This is something that I wrote when I was struggling to recover from the nervous breakdown. My writing helps me to process things that I am thinking and feeling.  I had never had this much of a mental collapse before, and it scared me so much that I hope it is the last one that I will ever have. I didn't think I would survive it. Nothing that I have ever done, previously, worked in this situation; or helped me with the things that I was thinking and feeling because of it. Honestly, for a time, it, truly, looked like, this thing, was going to be the death of me, in some way, or other. I cried out for God to show me His Grace to help me get through it, while I watched, helplessly, as I tried to dog paddle, in this, raging, sea of emotions, and not be drowned by them all. The internal gauge on my emotions began telling me things that, it never had, before. Not, this way. Not, this long. Not, this deep. . . .

Have you ever given someone much more credit than they deserved, and eventually realized that they never were the person that meant the world to you? Has someone ever so fooled you that your heart blossomed around them, but once it was fully open, like a flower, fragile and sweet, they cut you off in a cold, cruel, way, and even seemed to enjoy watching you wither, and fade away? Have you ever been so wrong in your assessment of people that you nearly didn't survive the shock of finally seeing what they are really like, and you doubt your ability to size people up, and worse, to ever be able to fully trust anyone ever again?

Has your heart ever been so broken, and your soul in such deep pain, that your eyes look like sad pools of tears in the mirror, and your cry sounds like that of a wounded animal that is scared, and anxious, and bleeding, and unsure if it will even survive the blows that it took from the hand that it once trusted to care for it? Have you ever wondered if you will smile, or laugh, or even want to live, again? Have you ever felt that you had to watch everyone you interact with closely for clues of possible betrayal, because you're surrounded by people who have defamed your character and spread truly vicious rumors about you, and even told people to not befriend you-- to the point that people who barely know you or don't even know you at all won't even speak to you, either because they believe the gossip and don't even give you a chance by getting to know you themselves, or they whisper quickly and quietly, before they rush away, from your walking up to them, before those opposing you see them, that they don't necessarily believe ALL the things they hear about you, but they just don't want to get involved, or be put in the middle of it, or be ostracized this way themselves due to association with you?

Do you ever feel like a second-class citizen, because you don't even get voicemails or emails responded to, AT ALL, by people that have been your heroes in the past, who used to, be there for you, for a while, anyway, and have to wonder if that change is because they either heard the ugly rumors, and believed all that, without ever once asking you about it, or they started the rumors themselves, for whatever reason they want to discredit you for, and hurt you in some way, and they don't want to be held accountable for their actions (despite saying they are Christians who believe in God, who would then also believe in Judgement Day)?

I never stood a chance. Before I even packed up my things, loaded a truck, and moved to what God had just done a miracle to bless me with as 'the desire of my heart' to own my own home, I NEVER STOOD A CHANCE in this 'community' with its HATEFUL PEOPLE. TRULY MEAN, HYPOCRITICAL, UGLY, people. The clique was in place before I even got here, but it grew larger, as new residents arrived, and were recruited to join its ranks, undermining the entire environment of what could have been 'Heaven on Earth', for us all, here.

Have you ever come close to being suicidal because people have so shocked you, with their cruelty, and manipulations-- that were actually NOT truly CARING, but were designed to cause you to LOWER YOUR GUARD, AND TRUST THEM, so they could manipulate you, with their actual motivation being to discredit you, to make you look bad? To make you look like the problem, after they push you and push you and accuse you and mistreat you, until you finally say a 'bad' word to their face, or look and sound hysterical, from frustration and outrage. . . when they make sure they have a witness to that, just so they can 'document' that YOU acted like that. They NEVER SHOW ANYONE ELSE how THEY have acted, though-- unless, it's those that are IN ON THIS SHAM, and are HELPING THEM DO IT to you.

People you liked- even loved-- and once trusted, turn out to have an agenda to discredit you, and possibly even go so far as to cost you your dream. The ONE AND ONLY DREAM COME TRUE you have EVER HAD in YOUR ENTIRE LIFE hangs in the balance, and you feel the FEAR of knowing they could COME IN FOR THE KILL-- and FINISH YOU OFF-- at any moment. These are people that YOU TRUSTED; who MADE THIS DREAM POSSIBLE, that they then turned into a nightmare, by mistreating, and disrespecting, you, in some hard and humiliating ways. The WORST part of it is, you don't know WHY.

Recently, something that I have been grappling with for quite a while now became too much for me to bear. I felt, and acted, like I was having a nervous breakdown, because of it. I became so despondent, so filled with despair, that I felt afraid as I found myself in a dark freefall, and I felt like I couldn't pull myself out of it. Like a terrifying movie scene, where a plane suddenly malfunctions for some reason and starts a nosedive straight toward the ground, is a fair representation of how I was feeling, and I truly didn't know what to do about it. When people look at me, they often size me up to be some fragile female, likely because I'm small, in body type, and my general demeanor (unless I'm upset in some way) is normally gentle, and friendly. Because of that, some are taken aback when they finally push me too far and feel the full force of my anger at them. 

I've been through ALOT in my life and if I am anything I am a survivor! Up until this 'dark night of the soul' happened to me I had come through every, hellish, thing I have ever been dealt in my life, and lived to tell it, including, in this blog. So, I was in new territory, emotionally, when I started to see that I wasn't doing well-- at all-- in successfully dealing with this thing now. Returning to my movie analogy, it went as far as that heart-pounding scene where the plane almost crashes into the ground nose first and all the souls aboard are about to perish, but at the very last second, the pilot is able to pull it back up, again, avoiding a disaster.

DANGER! Approaching 90% on my self-destruction gauge. . . . Approaching 95% . . . . Approaching 98%. With a mere 2%, left, to go, with me so exhausted in every way that I was passively watching my own imminent demise, at this point, because I had nothing left in me to oppose it, anymore. I EXPECTED TO DIE, at this point, if only because THERE WAS NO MORE 'FIGHT' LEFT IN ME. It was then that I felt a shaft of light hit my extremely weary soul, straight from Heaven, bringing a tiny hint of hope, with it, and stopping my head-on collision with giving up altogether, that I was right up against, by then. I have never felt so scared as I felt being in the throes of this mocking and menacing mindset, and what looked like, no way out, right before God's Grace got to me, just in the nick of time, saving me.

My weak pleas to God, and one friend staying alongside me, as I battled it, finally helped me to pull up out of it, but not before I felt that I had hit a 98% chance of imminent impact. My deep desire to live, which has seen me through every, 'dark night of the soul', that has been my destiny to endure, was, barely, stronger than the desire to be done, with all the bullshit, people have inflicted on me, in the last couple of years. Those claiming to be "Christians", have treated me the worst. No matter what I do or don't do nothing has remedied alot of it, and I am left feeling anxious, and angry, about having this bullshit affecting my quality of life. For alot of reasons, including personal safety, I cannot write openly, about specific details, as long as I am here, in this situation. It has been, a real struggle, to describe, to you, what my life is like, in this location and circumstance, while not being able to give you more details or expound on it in my blog posts. I can tell you that I have treated these people better than they are treating me, all things considered. They have defamed, discredited and disparaged me, which deeply distresses me due to my pet peeve being someone not treating me with respect. To complicate it, even more, these same people HAVE been there for me in some VERY significant ways, in between, all the other times, that they HAVE NOT 'shown up' to support me, or worse, have undermined my reputation, here, and caused problems for me, in my relationships with some others, by, saying things, about me, they really shouldn't.

It is a very fair and honest statement to say that this is a dysfunctional, and even toxic, environment in some significant ways, and perhaps more so for me, since I have been the main target of alot of the gossip, which includes some very serious lies about me. It is disheartening to continually try to overcome what is largely an undeserved reputation. There are people here who HAVE NEVER MET ME but think so badly of me, because of the things they have been told, about me; and they do not even keep an open mind to give me a chance and decide for themselves. I am a flawed person with faults, to be sure, but isn't everyone, including those who do this to me? I read something online just this past week, that said, 'For a world full of imperfect people who have their own faults, isn't it amazing how many of them stay busy judging others?' To be sure, WE ALL do it to someone, sometime, about something. But, I am dealing with people who have made it their Calling in life, to sully, and even trash, my reputation, where I live, including in ways which are not at all accurate. TRUTH has ALWAYS MATTERED to ME. The way I see it is that God knows THE WHOLE TRUTH, already, and every one of us will FACE OUR MAKER on Judgement Day, for OUR OWN SINS; not for SOMEONE ELSE'S. So, if my ultimate Judge ALREADY KNOWS THE TRUTH and it WILL ALL COME OUT IN THE END, why would I LIE NOW? Lies have a way of COMING TO LIGHT EVENTUALLY, and I am a firm believer in Karma showing up at some point (although often not soon enough for me). I have redacted the blog posts I have written about where I live now and intend to keep on doing that for as long as I live here. Since I moved here to have the blessing from God of owning my own home-- which was the deepest Desire Of My Heart-- and I LOVE MY HOME here, I am not planning to go anywhere else and therefore will NEVER be able to tell you the specifics of my situation. I continue, to protect people, who have disrespected me, spread rumors about me, and told lies about me-- for, a number of reasons; not the least of which, is because, I DO NOT have ANY desire to hurt THEM or THEIR LIVES, INCLUDING, in the ways that they HAVE DONE THAT to ME, and MY life. The ones behaving most like they are pious, and therefore 'in a religious huff' toward me, for BEING A SINNER in THEIR EYES, don't seem to know Bible scripture as well as I do, despite being churchgoers, etc.

Here are some applicable Bible verses that they either don't know or don't live by:

"Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to." 1 Timothy 5:13

"With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors." Proverbs 11:9

"Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the LORD." Leviticus 19:16

"Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it." James 4:11

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless." James 1:26

"Do not spread false reports." Exodus 23:1

"Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips and spreads slander is a fool." Proverbs 10:18

"The tongue has the power of life and death." Proverbs 18:21

"All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me." Psalms 41:7

There are many more such verses, throughout God's Word, but I don't see these people living by these things, as much as they are judging, gossiping about, and defaming me, as well as other 'targets' of their wagging tongues who came here wanting a wonderful life, in a place that could, so easily, be experienced as being very close to 'Heaven on Earth'. It is a true tragedy, that 50, 60, 70 and even 80 year old people, both women and men, saw fit to bring the toxicity here. Do they not even realize how much this affects and diminishes THEIR OWN quality of life?

I was never bullied by anyone, in my entire life, until I arrived here, with my high hopes, and my moving boxes, and began being bossed around by a neighbor and bullied by her from my very first day here. Because I resisted both her controlling character and her intrusive interference, in my private life, which, frankly, was so over-the-top that I cried-- and cried out to God-- every day for the first couple of weeks, because of it, I began to avoid her. I had tried confronting this issue head on by speaking directly with her about it, because she was making me miserable!  I was even encouraged that we could overcome it, and get along well together, as she admitted to me that she had prayed about this very behavior of hers, and the Lord had told her, Himself, that she was doing this, to me, and should stop. Being unable or unwilling to put her energy behind behaving better, toward me, instead, she began to gossip, about me, and spread slanderous lies, about me. She would even pull people aside, that she saw getting to know me, or even befriending me, and tell them that they (the clique she helped form here whose members already ran off several people who moved here-- some moved out almost as soon as they were unpacked, because they concluded that, this was no way to live) didn't LIKE me, so this person SHOULDN'T EITHER. She boasted that she 'had the ear' of the manager and that he always asked her what her opinion was of the new residents which intimidated people 'not to cross her', because of this 'power' she claimed to have here. Several people have nervously whispered to me that they don't like it, that the clique 'runs this place', but that, they feel pressured, to 'go along, to get along' with the clique rather than risk being ostracized the way I and others have been. Grown women, including myself, when I asked for a meeting, about it, with the manager, have sat in the office IN TEARS, because of the awful impact, clique bullies, have had, on our lives. Some, fled, and others caved in, and joined them, rather than continue to be 'punished', for not doing so. One woman, that came to me, several times, deeply distressed by the bullying she was experiencing, whom  I always comforted, TURNED ON ME, after JOINING THEM! Can you IMAGINE that happening to YOU when you and she BOTH KNOW that you DIDN'T HAVE TO stick YOUR neck out, FOR HER, and AFTER YOU DID SO, to be COMPASSIONATE to her, SHE then turns on YOU? I have LIVED this here, among SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

I am a STRONG person, who has BEEN PUT THROUGH SO MUCH in my life. That's why, this blog, about my life, was given the title it has. I have been forced to face so much HEARTACHE. I always had a Desire Of My Heart, to own my own home-- but it was IMPOSSIBLE, for me! Just a few years, before, GOD DID THIS, for me-- made this MIRACLE HAPPEN, for me-- I had been in a homeless shelter. The Bible says that, "Nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). I trust God, TAKING HIM AT HIS WORD. Reminding Him, of His Word, assurances, and promises, to me, as His daughter in the faith, I CRIED OUT TO HIM, for what I have now-- this HOME, OF MY OWN!-- because I KNEW that I NEEDED IT! For me it WASN'T just a WANT. It was a genuine NEED, to have, more, peace, and privacy, in my life. I WATCHED GOD, DO THIS-- FOR ME! TO THIS DAY, I STILL get tears in my eyes, and start to cry, from sheer, AMAZEMENT, and GRATITUDE, that God GAVE ME this DESIRE OF MY HEART! My home is EVERYTHING I ever DREAMED of! I love it, SO MUCH! I've

been exhausted at times, by the physical, emotional, and mental demands placed on me, here, due to various aspects of my new and different lifestyle, but I am so HAPPY, with my life here. Despite, everything, MY HOME is well worth fighting for.

Even so I have been so saddened by things I have been subjected to by people at times, that I came perilously close to NOT SURVIVING IT ALL. I could give you so many examples of my trying to be supportive, and even protective, of the people here, that I deeply care about, and truly love.  As readers of my blog, you know I have even gone to great lengths to be as nondescript as possible while discussing the effects of individuals here, on me, and my life, while still trying to write about my life, here-- which these people became a part of, when I moved here, and are therefore also a part of my 'life story' now. I have been thrown under the bus, by the people that, I care about the most, here. Even in the face of my continuing to be protective and supportive of them! To say that, this, has hurt me, deeply, is an understatement. While I AM a very strong person, is some ways, I am ALSO VERY FRAGILE, in other ways, and having to go through some of the biggest heartbreak of my entire life here has left me broken in some ways, that make me much more vulnerable, now. When I was battling the despondency, that threatened to DO ME IN, just a few weeks ago, I sometimes wondered sadly if the people here that are treating me in some, very, disrespectful, and hurtful, ways would have felt even a little bit sad if I did not make it through that, or whether they would have actually been glad that I was gone; celebrating my being gone, however that came about.

We hear alot about the impact of bullies and such people on young people. As an adult, even a senior citizen, now, I felt like I could survive it because I know that  it really says ALOT more about the PEOPLE DOING IT than it says about the ones THEY TARGET to do this to. No ONE thing that anyone here has done to me could have ever driven me to the, deep, despair, that I finally fell into, due to my being worn down by the never-ending onslaught of this shit toward me that started my very first day here and has never really stopped, to this very day, almost 2 years later. If I told you all the things that grown up people have put me through here I GUARANTEE that you would be SHOCKED. Because this is MY HOME, and I DON'T WANT TO STOOP TO THIS LEVEL OF BEHAVIOR, I have continued to cover for the very people who DO THESE THINGS TO ME. The way I see it, GOD KNOWS about all of it, and the day WILL come that they will have to explain themselves to Him. The fact that it has ACTUALLY BEEN THE CHRISTIANS, who sit in church pews on Sunday, who have TREATED ME THE WORST, here, is HARD TO BELIEVE, I know. The Bible, tells us that, in the End Times, the love of many will grow cold. People will turn on those that we never thought they would. If it's THIS BAD NOW, I feel truly sorry for those who will still be on the Earth when ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

There is SO MUCH that I COULD say, but that I CONTINUE NOT TO SAY-- even to defend myself, in the face of all these lies, false accusations, and slander. I know that it may be hard to understand but I ACTUALLY LOVE ALL THESE PEOPLE. I do not LIKE some of them, but I TRULY CARE ABOUT THEM and WISH NO HARM ON THEM, in ANY way, at ANY time. I spend all my time-- mostly all alone, inside my beautiful house!-- trying, to LIVE IN PEACE, and AVOID, BEING VICTIMIZED, any more than I already am. I SHOULD be out walking, every day, for my cardio, and other health-related reasons (even if just for communing with Nature, in order to try to feel less stressed; at least, for awhile). I hesitate to do alot of things, here, that I wanted to do when I came here, because those things might expose me to more, criticism, and blame, for things that, I am NOT EVEN DOING! A part of me wants to flaunt my freedom to be out and about just being 'me', right in the face of these people who-- no matter, WHAT I DO, or DON'T DO-- ACCUSE ME of alot, and spread gossip about that, to add insult to injury. Some of the untrue rumors about me here have been so VICIOUS that they TOOK MY BREATH AWAY, when I finally heard about them. Often, my ONLY COMFORT has been that GOD KNOWS THE WHOLE TRUTH. Sometimes, a friend here risks being supportive of me, too, but other times they can't take being ostracized, for befriending me, and it ruins the friendship. I can't say that I blame them considering the price they are made to pay for even being seen talking to me here. It is JUST SO SAD-- for ALL of us. Including, those clique members that created this hateful and toxic environment.

 

It has created so much division, causing people to feel that, THEY HAVE TO TAKE SIDES, when most people say that, they don't even want to be dragged into this thing. As I said before, several people in a relatively short span of time who had been genuinely excited and enthusiastic about moving here, for the lifestyle that they believed they would find here, have already moved away, specifically citing, their needing to escape this crap for their own peace of mind. It undermines the joy, of living here, as well as, the serenity, of the environment, and the sense of safety, that is needed for peace of mind. WHY would GROWN UPS who are ALSO SENIOR CITIZENS, for the most part, even WANT to CREATE this, CATTY, PETTY,  TOXIC TONGUE-WAGGING, as THEIR OWN HOME? WHAT is the PAYOFF, for this?  It seems to me they wanted POWER AND CONTROL OVER THEIR ENVIRONMENT but EVERY person EVERY day gets out of bed (if they are lucky enough to still be alive) and CHOOSES what THEY are going to USE THEIR POWER FOR. ALL OF US HAVE PERSONAL POWER which we wield in whatever way we choose to make our own little corner of the world what it is. HOW, WE USE THAT, IS ENTIRELY, UP TO US. I have misused that personal power in ways that I should not have at times, but I have never decided to trash anyone's life including just for SPORT or SPITE as it seems people have done to their neighbors here. I had thought that I could be stronger, than to let them get to me so badly. But after, almost, two years, of

this shit, they have worn me down, so far, that I almost couldn't go on anymore.

God will hold them accountable for bullying me. They came VERY close to seeing the FULL EFFECT, of their personal power, ON ME, and, on MY LIFE, due to, HOW they have CHOSEN to use it. To their 'credit' it was even powerful enough to cost someone their WILL TO LIVE. I had to battle back from finally having a complete nervous breakdown, because of, how UNFAIRLY, and even, CRUELLY, I have been treated here, by so many that have, affinities for, and affiliations with, the clique members. My main motivations, that I used, to WILL MYSELF TO SURVIVE, were the fact that, I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that THIS HOME is GOD'S WILL FOR ME, and His Word, promises me, in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you, and not  to  harm  you, plans to give you hope and a future." The other thing, that kept me going, until I recovered my equilibrium enough that, I knew, that I would be alright, now, was my sheer, clenched teeth, DETERMINATION that I would NOT give these, hateful, people the satisfaction (or, the devil in them, either!). How, they have chosen, to treat ME, and OTHER people here, has NOTHING TO DO WITH God. They can tell themselves that, but holy scripture DOES NOT BACK THAT UP. It is a 'RELIGIOUS spirit'-- NOT GOD'S SPIRIT-- that causes them to believe it is actually God's Will, to, deliberately, try to destroy someone's quality of life, because they can't stand the speck, in that person's eye, while they IGNORE the BEAM in THEIR OWN eye.

 

After I started to feel stronger and steadier, with the help of the people that know and care about me who are my support system, I created profiles for what I hope to find in a man, on, two, online dating sites. The response to both has truly been overwhelming! It has helped to heal my badly damaged self-esteem, to see how I am so sought after by so many men who do not live here to be affected by all the gossip, rumors, and even outright lies that are told about me in this community. I have come close to meeting five of these men in person already but I am focused on finding what I want more than my being what they want, when the two things are not matching up, well enough, so far, causing me to decide not to meet them, after all, but to keep looking for someone closer to the man I hope to find for me. Finding a comforting companion will go a long way toward stopping some rumors about me, here, that are no longer true, and some that were never true from the start. It isn't easy to find a good man in my age group that is still single. Many of the men have been dumped and divorced by their wives. Some are widowed. The online dating scene can be daunting, and even dangerous, but after everything, I have been subjected to here, in this community, it seems like a much better idea than doing any socializing here where the Get Togethers and Meet And Greets are opportunities for the residents to see and hear even more things to spread gossip about. The little I have heard about it, since I don't go to those, here, has caused me to cringe. I have not been the only one here targeted by the clique mentality. Others describe trying to attend those events, to meet their neighbors, but being too traumatized to risk exposing themselves again, to the cold shoulders and the haughty once-overs they were subjected to when they did attend. I can't think of anything that I would rather avoid more than a social get-together that I know is going to feel like, I deliberately placed myself in 'enemy territory'. I don't need it.

I finally decided that I would address the rumors about me here, since they are already spread far and wide throughout the community that I live in and not by me. Therefore, why shouldn't I also be able to discuss them, and which are lies.

MOST, of the RUMORS, LIES, HALF-TRUTHS, and GOSSIP, told, about me, come from people who claim to be churchgoing Christians who are Bible Thumpers**. They, either, don't KNOW, or don't CARE, that those things-- that, THEY DO, TO ME-- ARE SINS. I DON'T SEE 'JESUS', in ANY, of that, but, THEY, put ME, down.

 

I keep entirely to myself about 95% of the time, yet I still have so many things said, and spread, about me. Without going into details, about who said what, in these rumors about me which are often exaggerations, and some are even pure fiction, people have said that I have been OUTSIDE NAKED. (NOT TRUE.) It has been said that I accused someone on staff of rape. (NOT TRUE.) [By the way, it

so happens that, I have been COMPLETELY CELIBATE, for more than 25 YEARS, now, making that rumor really ridiculous!] The rumor that I had a serious crush  on a man here USED TO BE TRUE, but not for about A YEAR NOW, and that was actually very short-lived largely because of how badly he treated me because of  it. He was my 'role model' for finding 'a good man' for awhile, until I realized he was continuing to talk badly about me, to several people, in a way that affected their relationships with me, in a problematic way. CLEARLY, people who actually CARE about you DON'T DO THAT, and I realized that, I had given him WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT, which I stopped doing, then. Because I chose to be polite and to  be pleasant, when I did interact with him, he continued, to say the things about me, which negatively affected other peoples' opinions of me. He seems to enjoy subjecting me to public disrespect and ridicule by him, if I am anywhere around him. So, for quite a while now I do all I can to avoid him altogether. He has just not seemed to ever realize that, I am just being polite. When he speaks to me I have responded in a cordial manner. Sometimes, someone's ego does not allow them to accept the facts. There is alot more I could say about it or any of these rumors people here spread about me but I will leave it there because this is my home, and despite everything, I CARE about ALL the people here, and have NO desire to hurt THEM; even though they have chosen to HURT ME in many ways. This particular man, will forever have my gratitude, for the good things, that he brought to my life; in between, the awful ways, he treats me, in front of others.

One rumor about me is TRUE. I called 911, due to the clique members, because they came to the door of my home-- knowing before they did that, they weren't welcome, because of all the other awful ways they have treated me here-- and I did not even have their sign here in my home, which they ALSO knew, because I had removed their sign-- from MY yard-- and taken it to the manager's office for them to get from him. I DID THAT in an EFFORT to AVOID A CONFRONTATIONAL SCENE with these people which THEY were DETERMINED was GOING to HAPPEN anyway, because their GANGING UP ON ME and OUTNUMBERING ME made them BOLD, and EVEN MEANER TO ME. When they showed up AT MY HOME and began POUNDING ON MY DOOR-- including, ON THE DOOR GLASS-- I was not about to OPEN the door. NOTHING, could have COME OF THAT, but a SCENE which had no real PURPOSE except to try to FURTHER INTIMIDATE AND BULLY ME. They KNEW  I was ALL ALONE inside my home. As distressing as it was to me, that they were doing this, I still waited for about 10 minutes or more of them POUNDING on my door BEFORE I called 911 because it was clear to me that they were not going to stop. I HAD EVERY RIGHT, to NOT OPEN MY DOOR, but THEY weren't GIVING me that right. Someone being polite about it would have knocked once or twice, and realizing you weren't going to come to the door for whatever reason, would have left the premises. NOT these CLIQUE members. One of them is the same woman who started harassing and bullying me from MY FIRST DAY HERE. They KEPT ON POUNDING on my door, until I truly feared they would BREAK THE GLASS, of the lengthy window in the door, and unlock the door then, to let themselves come in.

Is it illegal to knock on your neighbor's door?

Yes. It's called harassment. You absolutely can be arrested for that, and charged with trespassing, disturbing the peace, harassment or disorderly conduct.
 

What constitutes harassment from a neighbor?

Knocking on your door to pester you, or approaching you when you go outside, to do the same.

Smirking at you, laughing at you, or staring you down whenever you leave your property or get home, or walk or drive past them.

Spreading malicious gossip about you to the other neighbors to try and isolate you, or encouraging other neighbors they’re friendly with to be hostile towards you or mess with you in some way.

They might claim that you’re harassing THEM.

Just generally monitoring everything you do, or you feel as though you’re being monitored by them.

If you feel that you never live in peace at your property, or dread coming home, you’re probably being harassed.

Do I have to answer the door?

Citizens are not required to answer the door.

I had the 911 Operator STAY ON THE LINE WITH ME, because it was EXTREMELY DISTRESSING AND TRAUMATIZING TO ME. All told, they POUNDED ON MY DOOR for a SOLID HALF HOUR OR MORE. They only, finally, STOPPED when the DEPUTY arrived on scene. Even so, he made light of it, in his report-- despite it fitting the standard LEGAL definition of HARASSMENT, which IS A CRIME; and the manager, tried to say that, I wasn't 'REALLY' UPSET, by being subjected to that, to which, I told him-- several, times-- to GET THE 911 TAPE, and LISTEN TO IT. He didn't DO that, because the Sheriff's department employee, who provided ME with copies of the DISMISSIVE deputy's report, which said my 911 Call was "UNFOUNDED", and the FULL audio recording of my 911 Call, that awful evening, told me, they would

have a record, of anyone asking for these things, and that, I WAS THE ONLY ONE who had EVER requested them. My heart sank to hear that, because the manager had 'made light' of what I was going through in that situation, saying to me more than once, with an amused look on his face, something like, "WERE YOU, REALLY, AFRAID for your safety that you needed to call 911?" EVERY TIME I replied to him "GET THE TAPE! LISTEN, TO THE TAPE!" At first, he said, he could get it. Then, he told me that, he found out, he couldn't get it. I waited for 8 months to even try to get those records, for myself, BECAUSE HE made it SOUND like it was DIFFICULT, to IMPOSSIBLE, to DO. It turns out that ANYONE COULD GET THOSE RECORDS, I was told, and all they had to do was what I did. Fill out a form online and wait for them to be emailed at no cost. I got them 2 days or less after filling out the form.

 

It was hard for me to sit through that recording, hearing my fear and anxiety, SO CLEARLY, on that tape, from last Fall. It was TRULY INSULTING to read the report, the deputy filed about the incident, indicating that my 911 Call wasn't for a GOOD REASON. The audio file is easy to share, if I choose to, because, it is an email. So far, I sent it to one friend, who said that THEY could HEAR the FEAR and ANXIETY in my voice, throughout the call that DOCUMENTED the ORDEAL, I was subjected to. Hearing what I went through made them both sad and angry. I thought about, sending it to the manager, that belittled my feelings, about that incident, and told me, he couldn't get the recording. But he has shown me so much disrespect in so many ways, so many times, that I knew it really wouldn't matter, if he heard it or not. He dismisses ALOT of what I think and feel. It is clear he doesn't respect me. 

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered. (Proverbs 11:13 ESV)

I would REALLY LIKE to ACTUALLY SEE 'JESUS' in THESE PEOPLE, FOR A CHANGE, that have PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH HERE. The ones that CLAIM to BELONG TO HIM, anyway. One of the men involved in starting the worst rumor about me here once gave me the name of his pastor and told me to watch that spiritual leader of his preach online. People have told me to do that, before, about the churches and pastors they are associated with, and frankly I rarely follow through because they don't impress me much as representatives of the church or pastor they tell me to watch. Because, I respected THIS man, at the time, I DID, look up HIS pastor, on the internet, and watch. He treated me badly, several times, after that, though. I NEVER TOLD A SOUL something VERY PERSONAL that HE told me about someone in his own family because I had no idea if it was private information that he didn't want to go public with, or be gossiped about, and it wasn't my place to tell. Later,  I learned that he had actually told people here about it very freely and openly but it WAS his news to tell, and HE MADE THAT DECISION. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE. I was shocked, hurt, and deeply disappointed, when this same, 'Christian' man told SEVERAL PEOPLE here, that I KNOW OF, GOSSIP about ME, including, things that got spun into a story that was outrageously defaming of me (the rape accusation rumor), which HE started with ANOTHER 'Christian' (who is a clique member), by badmouthing me together, for something that happened that was actually not my fault, but was the manager's fault, and his fault, which I won't expound on, here. It has been the CHRISTIANS here that have said the worst things, about me, and they know, that, I am, also, a Christian. They need to focus on THEIR OWN SINS. Come Judgement Day, GOD isn't going to ASK THEM about MY SINS, but THEIRS. A friend recently told me, someone started a Bible Study, here, but just based on 

my personal experiences, with the 'Christians' here, I have NO desire to GO to it.

By the way, I thought about embedding the audio recording of my 911 Call here, in this blog post, but it includes, specific, information about my location. Despite my being, 'thrown under the bus', to protect themselves, at my expense, and all the things people say, about me, here, including, things that slander and defame me, and really deeply hurt me, I TRULY CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, and I have no desire to treat THEM like they have treated me. I have tried to be HELPFUL to them, and even, a BLESSING, to them, in the ways, that I can. I am doing much better, now, mentally, and emotionally, than I was a few weeks ago.  During that complete breakdown I suffered, I didn't even have it in me to BRUSH MY HAIR. I had to start taking a sleeping pill each night to be able to sleep. I'm gaining back the weight that I dropped because I could barely eat. I lost about 10 pounds due to that, and I am a slender size 6 who should NEVER be LOSING WEIGHT if I can help it. It TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME to SURVIVE when I had that breakdown and EVEN WITH ALL THAT, I STILL almost did not make it. That is SO SAD, because I CHERISH LIFE, despite how DIFFICULT it has often been for me in so many ways.

But, by the GRACE OF GOD and the patient SUPPORT of A FRIEND I RECOVERED from the nervous breakdown I had here, just a few weeks ago, that nearly drove me to commit suicide. I LOVE LIFE-- and, believe it or not, I love my life HERE. I have just been SUBJECTED TO SO MUCH since I came here, that it finally caused me to have a mental and emotional breakdown, from the 'BULLCRAP OVERLOAD'.

 

I'm SO GLAD I RECOVERED, and am dancing and singing and baking, and feeling like myself again! I have blog readers in 63 countries, now. Because, I feel a real responsibility, to the readers of this blog, which is about my life, and is especially about the 'dark nights of the soul' that I have had to survive, throughout my life,  I want you to know that I would never simply stop writing my blog posts without telling you I was going to do that and why. The only way there would cease to be posts, otherwise, is if something unforeseen happened, that is out of my control, that prevented me from writing any more posts. If it's in my power and ability to tell you, what is happening, with me, I will ALWAYS let you know. You have come alongside me, through my blogging about my life, to share my life's pilgrimage. I want to you to know that YOU MATTER TO ME and I CHERISH YOUR PRESENCE in my life. I will never just 'leave you hanging' to wonder whatever happened to me.

I had a FAITHFUL BLOG READER in Portugal, for more than 2 years, after I began publishing these ongoing installments of my life story online. I saw them show up in my STATS page, month after month, post after post. Of course, all, I could see was their country, listed there. I started, looking for them, there, after I put each post online. Always smiling to myself, and feeling comforted, when they appeared in my stats. That reader, and one in Germany-- who is STILL WITH ME HERE, had always been my most faithful readers, besides, those that are here, in the United States. Then Covid came, and spread throughout the world, putting ALL OF US at risk. Each time I posted something to my blog, I would PRAY that my readers are all still alive and well. I would check the Stats data for my blog, feeling reassured when I saw the countries show up that represented my usual readers. I breathed  a sigh of real relief. I wanted them to be safe, and well! Then, Portugal, suddenly stopped showing up. I checked and checked and checked again. One month, Two months, Three months, . . . . A whole year. . . . Then, two years. NO, PORTUGAL. 

That country never showed up in my stats again. I NEVER KNEW what happened.  I PRAYED for them-- that they were ALRIGHT. That they were SAFE. Maybe, they MOVED, to another country, I told myself. I even hoped, they had simply, tired of reading about my life. ANYTHING, except my fear that they caught Covid and did not survive. I even thought maybe they were elderly and just passed away of old age. I JUST DON'T KNOW, what HAPPENED to THAT person in PORTUGAL. I doubt  I will EVER know, in this life. I don't want to EVER LEAVE MY READERS HANGING, WONDERING, WHAT BECAME OF ME. That is why I will always TELL YOU, if I can.  I AM STILL HERE, and I am glad that YOU are STILL HERE, with me. THANK YOU!

         

*Nervous breakdown - Nervous breakdown is a term used to describe symptoms of intense mental and emotional distress, which is most often due to a sudden or prolonged period of stress. It is a mental health crisis which is usually brought on by severe depression, stress or anxiety, and is mostly characterized by extremely impairing feelings, that overwhelm the person having the breakdown, and render them unable to concentrate, or make decisions. They feel like, they have reached rock bottom emotionally. They cannot function in their day-to-day life, even to do the most basic tasks, during, this-- potentially, life-threatening-- mental collapse. They feel burned out; and may have sudden outbursts of uncontrollable anger or crying because of their struggle to cope. They are in a very fragile frame of mind.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-nervous-breakdown-4172381
"Sometimes this stress is chronic, and seems to build up over time, until a person simply cannot cope anymore. In other cases, crisis situations can trigger an acute period of intense distress that leads to symptoms of a breakdown."

The most common signs that someone is having a mental breakdown are:

Hopelessness.
Thoughts of suicide.
Sense of worthlessness.
Unable to sleep.
Lacking appetite.
Inability to focus.
Severe disappointment with their life.

**Bible Thumper - One who uses the Bible to attack/defame others character instead of as a guide to proper living.