Where Things Stand, For Me, Right Now:

I chose the title of this blog post to catch you up on what's been going on in my life because I haven't been blogging for a few months, but I'm also using it as a reference to my current leg injuries, that I'm trying to recover from, for the last couple of weeks or so now. I'm frustrated by being sidelined in some ways, with that, because I was so productive lately, getting through my lengthy 'To Do List'

in a much faster and more fulfilling way, than I had been doing for quite awhile. Not blogging was one of the biggest reasons that happened because all of those hours, over several days, it, usually, takes me to write most of these posts, was freed up to use toward achieving that goal instead. Being able to focus on these other things that are also important to me was a wonderful feeling, reducing my stress more as each task was checked off my list as being "done" finally. I made some real progress but I still have more to do, that I can't do currently, because those are the very things that led to injuring both my legs. My left leg is healing much faster than the right one. I was on my knees, for prolonged periods, to do  the big project that was still on my list. It was coming together well! I was close  to finally being finished with it, until I had to stop-- for now at least-- because of both my legs swelling up from my knees all the way through both my feet. It has affected what I can do and not do to some extent although thankfully (especially since, I live alone, and must be able to be autonomous, to care for myself) I am able to bear weight on both legs, as well as sit and stand. My left leg appears to  be improving but I have had little-to-no improvement of my right leg so far. It is the more swollen of the two, and the only one with any pain, due to the injuries.

Everything about having good health has taken on much more importance to me as I have gotten older. My concerns are compounded by the fact that if I lose my ability to be independent everything else that matters most to me will be deeply, and possibly permanently, affected by that. Young people can, usually, take their good health for granted, but as we age, that often changes, significantly. When I was in my early twenties, I recall feeling so bored, because of life being so much of 'the same old same old' almost all the time. As I got older, and, also, because, so many things on this earth seem to be becoming more unstable and uncertain,  I've realized that being bored is a true luxury, which far too many people on this planet don't ever have any ability to experience in their lives, at all, due to being  in war zones, or in areas of famine, flood, or fire, and so many other really scary scenarios. I have truly been blessed, so far, to have lived for more than 68 years on earth and be in the, general, circumstances in which I've almost always found myself. Even though I've gone through some truly traumatizing things in my life, as well as some deeply heartbreaking ones, I have never had enemy tanks on my street, or missiles flying overhead my home. I have gone hungry, at times, but it was never due to an inescapable famine in the country that I live in. I have been raped, but I have never had my female parts mutilated by misogynists. As I type this, the entire planet is feeling anxious, because of so much going on that we all wish wouldn't be. Life, is so fragile, and fleeting, and precarious, and precious! It amazes and appalls me how carelessly and callously many people choose to treat this gift of life, whether their own or the lives of others. We're all just one breath, or one heartbeat, away from no longer existing on the earth, and so many things, and far too many people, can take that privilege from us, or from our loved ones. 

Even with all the blessings, that I have had, in my life, by the time I came to live here I was more than a little the worse for wear, and was feeling fairly exhausted from everything that I have been (put) through and from the impact of people on me, who-- in whatever way(s), and for whatever reason(s)-- haven't had my best interests at heart, and who probably didn't treat me the way, they, would want to be treated, if things between us had been reversed. When all of the bull crap and the heartbreak that I have been through here happened to me, on top of all that, it almost cost me my life, by being 'the final straw', breaking me. The struggle to not commit suicide was real, and it truly frightened me, because I deeply cherish the gift of life, and try hard to take care of my health and such, to, hopefully, live  a long life. That was about a year ago, that I had to struggle mightily, to not give in to those thoughts of self-destruction. I almost didn't make it through that, and  it really took a toll on me. Until I moved here, I had never really experienced the  bullying that leads people to commit suicide. When I would see news stories, and read articles, about people going through this, I used to wonder, how words from other people could cause anyone to despair of living. I couldn't imagine that. I've just gotten tears in my eyes, typing this, now, because what I am about to say is that, NOW I KNOW, because, people here, have put me through that. My eyes are filled to the brim with tears now, because of the sadness, and the anger, I feel, at being mistreated this way. They couldn't possibly have any good reason for doing this to me, but that hasn't stopped them; and these are grown adults in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80s. Their behavior deeply disgusts me. Especially when it has come from the, supposedly, 'devout' Christians, that should know better-- and, do better. The fact that they have been the 'leaders' of this movement, to disrespect, and discredit, me, has made it even more painful for me, because they know that  I am also a Christian. This community could have been something truly special for everyone here, but they, chose, to interject this toxicity into the lives of residents here, and it can't be undone now. The damage has been done. Not only to me but to others they targeted as well-- some of whom moved away to escape it and how bad it made them feel. Others moved away who weren't targeted, but didn't like it being such a prominent part of life here, and its effect on the, social, atmosphere.

I just looked at myself in the mirror, and I look, tired, pale, and, noticeably, older, than when I moved here full of excitement at, finally, having this miracle happen, for me, of owning my own home. From my very first day here, the main leader of the clique, also the main instigator, of people treating me badly, from, ostracizing me, to defaming me by outright lies, has disrupted and destroyed my privacy and my peace. It can never be undone-- all the damage that has caused to my life, in this community, by affecting and undermining my initial opportunities for healthy, happy, relationships, with the residents, and staff-- causing me to continually feel ill-at-ease and uncertain, as to what the people that I am interacting with actually believe about me, from all the gossip and untruths told about me, by these clique members, and others, as it spread. I am deeply angry about it. There is no way I will ever choose to be friends with these people who have done this to me. It told me all I need or want to know about their own character. After receiving advice to practice 'Radical Acceptance'* of them, though, for my own sake, I recently began trying to at least act 'neighborly' when I encounter them by being willing to speak to them as I pass by. It is one of the hardest things I have ever even attempted. I don't like them!-- for how they treated me-- and I don't trust them enough to feel safe being vulnerable, around, or with, them.  My main coping mechanism for how I deal with people who mistreat me has always been to, shut down, and withdraw.

I honestly didn't think that I could even attempt to 'accept' these people. This is a very small community though that seems to very often be mainly fueled by gossip

wearing the more pious mask of concern. Maybe, I am just being cynical, to put it that way, but my instincts say that I am right about this-- especially regarding the clique members-- because, if I weren't, how does one explain how these Christian people (that many, but not all, of the clique claim to be) never showed me a bit of 'godly' concern, while they were defaming me, to anyone and everyone they tried to recruit into the clique, against me? Especially the 'leaders', who knew that I am a Christian 'sister in the Lord', and that I had chosen to show them grace and care even after they started disrespecting me, in the beginning, to demonstrate that to them. What they said about me was so over-the-top, and so hateful, that the time came when my normal reaction, to such treatment, to just avoid them, altogether, as much as possible, became how I coped. I disliked them, to the point that, even the sight of them, filled me with resentment, rage, and other unhealthy emotions, boiling inside of me, continually. It was affecting my health, and well-being, while they lived their lives happily because this wasn't being done to them but by them. For my own sake, I had to try to accept that this is who these people are. I'm not even the only resident that they did this type of crap to. I'm just the main target.

Because it is not based on my liking these people (because I don't) but on simply accepting that, they are who they are, and it is what it is, I had to, really, grapple with making the conscious choice to even say "Hi" to them. It took everything, in me, but I did start doing that, this past week. Someone who knew I considered it asked me if I felt better, now that I had started to at least be social, toward them, and I replied, no, I do not feel any better. Only my outward behavior changed. Not my feelings about, all, the ways and times, throughout, my years living here, they have openly shown me disrespect and even outright hostility. They made a choice. There are consequences, for choices that we make in this life. Including, for them.

 

The only thing concerning me, about my being willing to treat them civilly, now, is that they will misperceive my actions, as somehow accepting that, what they have done, is 'okay' with me, when nothing could be further from the truth. I choose to try to be nice toward almost everyone, as much as possible, but unfortunately, it's often taken as 'weakness' or 'stupidity' by people that can't comprehend the great strength (including strength of character) that it takes for me to do that, at times.

So, that is something new that I am trying (without, much desire, or enthusiasm) to accomplish-- for my own sake. Disliking them, as much as I do, was eating me up inside. My focus, and concern, are for my own health and well-being. If God is going to accomplish anything else, in this situation, He is going to have to do it. I acknowledge that He can; especially, since my change in behavior has opened up  a door, for Him to work through. But, I can tell you, it would take, a true miracle!

Some significant things, have happened to me, here, which I consider to be true miracles. God finally blessed me with a home of my very own-- which was, truly, impossible, when I started crying out to Him about my needing this, for my soul.  But, I saw the circumstances, and timing, coming together, in such a way that, it could only be Him bringing this to be. That fact has comforted me a lot, including as I struggled with being suicidal last Spring. While I have often felt undermined, by all the gossip here, I cling, tenaciously, to what I know to be true and of good report**, from the Lord, who is, Himself, Truth. Romans 8:28 is the banner Bible verse over me: "And we know that  God causes everything  to work together  for the  good  of  those  who  love  God  and  are called according to His purpose for them." (NLT) While I see some of the miracles that He has done for me, with my own eyes, others are things that He has done in my heart. That shows me that I can have my heart changed, by Him,-- including, how I feel toward people, if He so chooses. It is not always possible to fathom all the ways, and means, that are the catalysts for change in our lives. Some seem sent by God, but, others, more like some Special Delivery from the Devil himself. In the end, though, God is the one who causes everything to work together for our good-- even the things that, seem to us to be, so bad, especially as we are in the midst of experiencing them.

I have often cried out to God for a 'special someone', to love, and be loved by, in my life. That still has never come together for me, but there are times that I feel that, all things considered, where men are concerned, God is trying to spare me, from, more, of the aggravation, and angst, that men seem to bring into my life. I have such a deep capacity for love. Most, humans, never get to see that, though, because they usually don't inspire, or awaken that, in my heart. I have learned to be very circumspect, and cautious, where other human beings are concerned, due to being handled so carelessly and coldly by so many of them, throughout my life.

I have been significantly let down (an understatement!) by so many people, in so  many ways. I am generally extremely wary of other human beings, which, makes it very difficult for one of them to get into my heart. That is a sacred space, to be sure. Very few people have been able to do it, and probably have no idea, what a compliment, that is, to them, when they do. I've dated countless men. I was also married, several, times, before I, finally, realized, in my thirties, that I do not like marriage, and I have stayed single ever since. Yet there have only been two men  in my entire life, so far, who completely captured my heart. The tragedy of that is neither one of them even wanted it. As I stare at that sentence, I shake my head, trying to make sense of that. The odds should have been in my favor, that, out of all the men, I have known in my life, ONE, would have been my soul mate. When  I was working as a dancer I talked to thousands of men in those nightclubs, and I even married two of them from there, but I didn't really love either one of them. I just tried (and failed) to make the best of a bad situation. The first man that ever actually captured my heart (and then threw it back) was my second husband Jim; my son's father. My heart was solidly stuck on him. I couldn't get over loving him, no matter how hard I tried. In the meantime, he married a wonderful woman, as his second wife, and they've had a very good marriage, together, all these years. 

The only other man, that my heart ever truly loved, was not even trying to get in my heart, and I don't think that either one of us saw that coming, or were happy about it, at all. All I got was the worst heartbreak of my life, and the unexpected gift that, he was able to finally bump Jim out of where he had been lodged in my heart without budging for so many years. That, amazed me, because no one had ever been anywhere near able to do that, and this man did it without trying to! I suffered, enormously, trying to get over the man, that 'cured me' of loving Jim. I  was finally able to kill the butterflies and stop the weak knees he caused, and get free of the torment of that, by allowing myself to feel the anger, in me, at how he disrespected me and humiliated me as his way of reacting to the unwelcome and unwanted feelings that I had for him. He was an expert exterminator of my love. My heart's finally free of deeply loving any man now, which I consider to be a gift to me, because I am fully open to finding my person now, if God made a man for me. Maybe that old expression, "The third time's the charm", will be true for me, where love is concerned! I, finally, feel excited, about the possibilities, instead of feeling stuck loving either one of the two men that, for their own reasons, didn't want me. This is one of the main reasons that I stopped blogging, the end of last year, until I resumed it, now. Sitting here writing this is not getting me outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and isn't helping me meet someone who might be my soul mate, before I run out of time to ever have them in my life if I do find them. 

Right before I decided to attempt the 'Radical Acceptance' regarding my situation here, I felt the toxic impact of living surrounded by clique members so strongly, I didn't think it would be good for my holistic health to continue to live like this. For a very brief moment in time, I seriously leaned toward leaving, but God reminded me what He did for me, to bring me here, and give me my home, and that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), which is what I've been up against here, because, it IS such a GREAT BLESSING, from GOD, for me. Acts 2:28 (NLT) says, "You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence." I have often told God that, I trust Him, because, I can take Him at His Word. He DID bring me here, and He DID give me my home, that brings me such joy every day. I just have to keep on trusting Him, to work out all the other stuff.

I am trying to get past all that. I would so much rather have a positive report, to share with you, such as the 'Radical Acceptance' bringing something about that's better for us all. This could be such a great place, for ALL of us to be, if this kind  of petty crap was stopped, once and for all, and everyone made a genuine effort  to behave better toward one another. God does miracles, so there's always hope! 

I have been delayed in getting the last few things of my 'To Do List' done, while I try to heal my two legs. Since, working on those projects led to these injuries, in the first place, I don't think I should do anymore of them, unless and until all the swelling and tenderness goes down. This frustrating setback is keeping me home right now, preventing my getting out there to meet new people beyond this small community which, I hope, will lead to my, finally, finding true love, at some point! If you pray, please pray for my health and healing, and that I find the RIGHT guy to CAPTURE MY HEART, next time I fall in love. When I pray about it, I tell God, I  hope, whoever he is, will have similar attributes to the only two men I have ever truly loved, but maybe not the same faults (even though everybody has some). I  did not feel respected by either one of the men I loved, and that is a pet peeve of mine. At the very least, I hope the man for me will love music, love to dance, and make me laugh! I also hope they will be honest with me because I hate being lied to. I don't see how anyone can truly love someone that doesn't respect them, and that is not honest with them. Sexual attraction, however strong, only goes so far.

If this healing of my legs takes a long time, I might not have much of anything to  share with you here next month, because of being so curtailed and constrained by it. It is so frustrating, because I truly thought I would already be totally done with the long 'To Do List', finally, and fixing myself up, and getting out of the house, to go explore, and enjoy some of my hobbies such as photography and drawing, and hopefully meet some fun people to become friends with, and maybe my Mr. Right!

(If I do meet 'my guy', there are going to be some, private, things that I won't be sharing, here, of course, because I don't want him to resent my being a blogger!)   

* Radical Acceptance: "At its most basic, radical acceptance is a practice that involves accepting emotions, thoughts and circumstances that are unchangeable and out of your control. To radically accept means to completely recognize and accept the reality you’re in—even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Regularly practicing radical acceptance can help us cope with painful emotions so we can move on or even come up with a plan to make an uncomfortable situation better." - Nicole McDermott https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-radical-acceptance/#:~:text=At%20its%20most%20basic%2C%20radical,reality%20includes%20pain%20or%20discomfort.

** "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4:8 (King James Bible)

Memorabilia, From Assorted Aspects Of My Life, And My Favorite Story Of Faith

I have a variety of things to share in this post. More memorabilia from my own life but also a story written by someone else, that is my favorite story of 'the faith of a child'. The Bible says, having, pure, simple, trusting, child-like, faith in God is very important: "He (Jesus) called a little child to him and placed the child among them and He said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.Therefore whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.'" [Matthew 18:2-4 NIV] As it is the holiday season, children, are frequently the focal point, for the activities that are going on as part of the celebration. Christian children are in Nativity plays, and decorating Christmas trees. Jewish children, are helping to light the candles on the family's menorah and spinning the dreidel. Others are learning the seven principles of Kwanzaa, and lighting their kinara. I wrote a, Christian, devotional, for this blog, the first year of its creation (almost 4 years ago!), and have included the link to it. [https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/12/thank-you-its-perfect-gift-for-me.html] The story that I will share with you, this month, "The Faith Of A Child" by Diana Honaker, isn't a holiday story but has the true meaning of one. After all, what is the foundation of the Christmas message? It's John 3:16. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." God, so LOVED, the world, that He GAVE. This story that I love, and want to share with you here, was published in DECISION magazine [Billy Graham Evangelistic Association], in March 1999.I have no personal affiliation with the ministry but the story warms my heart every time I read it. It is a real reminder of the trusting faith that moves the Lord. I will end this post with that sweet story, but first, I will share some, other, sweet, and not so sweet, things, about my own life story. I have not lived a charmed life.

While sorting through my memorabilia I came across an old photograph of me that was probably taken when I was around 7, or 8, years old, on Christmas morning. I am holding a doll that I just got from Santa Claus. Because I am looking back over my entire life, in hindsight, in this blog, including from the perspective of my being 66 years old now, I am struck by these moments from my past that the old photos portray. These memories, all helped shape the person that I am, for better, and for worse. The photo of me (below) hugging my baby doll displays my innocence. But, right around this time, there was a season of, extreme, marital stress between my parents, which was triggered by my father's lingering anger, hurt, and resentment from my mother's earlier infidelity, and her considering leaving him and taking the children with her then (3 of the 4 being his) that led not only to physical domestic abuse but truly terrifying incidents between them that I heard and sometimes saw while all 3 of my siblings seemed to, obliviously, sleep through those. Those things shattered my sense of safety, frightened me, to depths that, I could not have even articulated at that tender age, even if I had dared to (which I did not; stuffing it all deep down inside me, instead), and scarred me for life, leaving a legacy of anxiety and OCD, and other things that I still have to grapple with, every day of my life, to this day. When my mother got sick and then died, my sister got back in touch with me, during that time, primarily because as Executor for the Will she needed me, to sign off on things, to settle our mom's estate, but, I had been No Contact, with the family, for many years. She told me, then, that, prior to our father finally divorcing our mother late in life, she had also witnessed fights between the two of them that escalated into physical assaults, on one another, and she had to step in, to break it up. When I escaped the family dysfunction, and went No Contact with them, to try to save what was left of my mental health, I left all those, jarring, scarring, things, behind me, until I ended up being a domestic abuse victim myself, when I married.

I always found it surprising, that my father ever even cared enough to try to keep us with him, had their marriage broken up, decades, before, it finally did, because this man was not affectionate, or affirming, and was rarely emotionally expressive toward his children. At least the years that I was under his roof; and, beyond. Add to that, his towering stature, at 6'2" or so, and he was a formidable father to have to, physically, look up to, when I was a small child. He 'disciplined' us by spanking us, with flyswatters, thorny rosebush branches, or his huge hands, leaving marks, on our tender-skinned bodies, that lasted for days. The photo of him (below) is an accurate depiction of his usual demeanor, and ongoing mood, 99% of the time. In fact, he actually looks 'warmer' and more relaxed in this picture, than he normally did! Most often his expression was something between a sulk and a hostile glare if he even seemed to take notice of our presence in the room with him as he parked himself on the couch, in the den, almost all of the time that he was home, and sat staring at the TV, from the time he got home, until the time he went to bed, never wanting to converse with us, or get to know us as we grew up and into the people we became, with individual identities, of our own, apart, from, being his offspring.

 

That is why, the, one, letter, that he ever wrote to me, in my life, so outraged and offended me. Below, is the letter in its entirety, verbatim. I will explain, afterward, why, it made me so angry, at him, since the way I was treated, by him, my whole life, had, everything, to do with that. Here is one anecdotal account, of a different situation that came up between my father and I, though, before I share the letter with you, that will also shed some light on why it affected me, so negatively: One day my sister brought home her current boyfriend at the time and the young man built a fire in the livingroom fireplace (which is pictured above, with the photos on the mantle) but he forgot to open the damper. Smoke quickly filled the room, and ultimately my mother said that she had to have repainting done due to the smoke damage. As Dad was about to come home, any minute, and he was, always, quick to be critical, and irritable, about things going awry, usually before he ever sought out the facts first, if at all, I went outside to meet him, as he arrived, and told him what had just happened, hoping that, he would not say anything, mean, or angry, then, upon walking in and seeing and smelling all the smoke, to further embarrass the young man visiting. But, when I told him about it, my father just glared at me in a very disapproving way, mad at me for telling him because he seemed to think that I was just going behind others' backs to somehow make myself look good! He was always an impossible man to please it seemed, regardless of whatever efforts I made, to be caring, and helpful. I had thought that, giving him a 'heads up' with the situation would avoid any caustic comments by him, because he was so quick to strike out, physically or verbally, and assess the actual situation after he did so.

Now, just after he left our mother, to divorce her, he, suddenly, sends each one of us children a personal letter from himself when he almost never got personal with us about anything, and it seemed to be his attempt at trying to sound like he was being the big man* in this big mess, which was not at all accurate, whether in his relationship with our mother, or his relationship with each one of us. Adding insult to injury, with his letter to me, that tried to make him sound like the 'decent' one, in this divorce situation, he, also, explained away his absentee-father relationship with me, despite his being in the very same house with me the whole time I grew up under that roof. Despite, what he wanted that letter to me to accomplish, all it did was alienate me even further from him, if that was even possible to do by this point, because it spoke of things that, he NEVER EVEN ONCE, affirmed, about me, with me, BEFORE or SINCE that ONE LETTER TO ME, regarding developing talents and skills I had, that he'd NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED, as I grew up in his household. He had neglected EVERY opportunity, to encourage my gifts and abilities, as I was finding myself, as a child growing up in that home, and literally his only focus had been on his watching TV shows, nonstop, the entire time, I had lived in, and later, visited, that house. He was always very quick to criticize me harshly, but never to say anything about my accomplishments or achievements. When I sang solos in a church play, and other such moments and milestones, he never said ONE thing, to me. Children NEED that acceptance, attention, and affirmation from their parents! I was MIDDLE-AGED-- 45 years old!-- when my father sent me the letter in 2001.

Here is his letter to me (just exactly as he wrote it):

[It was typed up and printed out, but signed "Dad" in ink, with his phone number]

Hello To Each of You

   I am not sure just where or how to begin this letter, but I feel like it's time I at least tried to explain a few things.

   Each of you will receive the same letter except for the last paragraph and that will be for you only.

   I have been told that I was never there for you children and I guess to a large degree that's true, I always had to work longer an harder that those around me just to stay even with them, but most of all I was a firm believer that what I was doing was right, I was so sure that if I could give you the things that I never had, like a nice house to live in, a nice car that could carry you where you wanted to go or parties for your Birthday and all those Christmas presents at Christmas, it wasn't until I saw you children spending so much time with your children that I then realized that I had missed out on some of the most important things of your lives, Those times cannot be relived and even if they could I often wonder if they would be different, I'm not sure if that what I am saying makes any sense to you but I don't know how to say it any other way, Except that I now know that I put too much emphasis on material thing and not enough on those around me.

   I have also been told that I have shut you out of what I am planning or what I have already planed, for that I am truly sorry because I never meant to shut any of you out, it was just that I felt that I was going through something that was going to affect us all and I did not want to try to draw any one into it trying to get them to take sides, I did how ever have to have some one to help me and that one person and only that person was told what my plans were, but I did this only because I needed some one to watch after things while I wasn't there, things like picking up my mail and paying bills at a very small two bed room place that I purchased early this year, I also did not discuss this with any of you because whether you believe me or not I do care for your mother very much and I am not going into any of the reasons why I'm doing what I am doing because it make no different what I say where it true or not that will never change the fact that she is now an always be your mother.

   I say to each of you that my home will always be there an open to and for you, I hope that each of you will be a part of my new life, I know that you will see a different person in some ways.

   Deb I know that we have not been very close but I really want you to know that I have always told people about how much talent you have and how much I enjoyed those nights in the shop when you would come out and we would sit and talk and you would draw pictures for me to use as patterns, I feel like I did not give you enough encouragement or help in developing your true talents, it just made me angry to see all that talent going to waste.

Love

Dad

[He signed it and added his phone number, in handwritten ink, to the typed page. But then a second page followed that first page with some additional paragraphs.]

  I want each of you to know that I to hurt much more than I can ever express in words, but I have many great wonderful memories and they will always be there for me to draw on, to me there are more good fun loving memories than there are bad.

   The yesterdays are gone except for the memories, it is now today and tomorrow will be a new day for each of us, I hope I can use the tomorrow's wiser.

   Remember that time waits for no one, Treasure every moment you have, and you will treasure it even moe when you can share it with someone special.  

There is a cautionary tale, in this man's letter, to his, then, middle-aged children, including that, despite your many regrets, in hindsight, especially, after you were told many times, that you were CHOOSING not to develop the relationships, with your own children, you cannot go back and rewrite history or recast the past in a way that makes you feel better about it, by, now, seeing it as much better than it actually was, or as less hurtful, and harmful, to your offsprings' wellbeing, than it really was. Men, in particular, are all-too-often guilty of failing their kids this way. I'm a senior citizen, now, and I'm still dysfunctional, because of an acute absence of a loving, present, engaged, affirming father in my life. Mine was IN THE HOME!

Because of my not having a good family situation, growing up, for various reasons (not just to do with my father, as has been well covered in my previous blog posts now), I tried live-in nanny employment, a few times, partially because I longed to feel a sense of family in a home environment that would not be dysfunctional, and damaging, to me. I smile as I type this next statement: What I realized, was that, to some extent, every family has their sins, and shortcomings, although, not all of them are severe enough, for the survivors, of such a home life, and upbringing, to need therapy and such, like me and many others have needed, to help us with our woundedness. Even so, some of the situations were far better than my upbringing had been but I found that there are frustrating complications to, living, where you work, and for various reasons those jobs did not last for very long. >sigh!< I, still, long for a sense of what an, accepting, affirming, affectionate, family life would be like, but at this point I cannot imagine my ever having that. I have given up hope. When I moved to Bridgeport, Connecticut, for a live-in nanny job, after I had been a Certified Nursing Assistant in a hospital, a nurse who was a friend of mine wrote me a letter. The only page, I seem to still have, of that letter, is numbered "4", on the front, and ends with her signature at the bottom of what would be page 5, on the back of that. Here is some of what she wrote to me, exactly how she wrote it:

You seem to be healing, (starting to anyway). You left Omaha with a few open wounds. Just give it time, Deb. The [name withheld for privacy reasons] family seems fascinating to me. Lots of $ !! Their condo is gorgeous as are the kids. I felt good about your making plans to see New York. You've got more guts than I would have, even on buses, trains, & cabs. (God forbid I ever take a subway with my claustrophobia! sp?) 

     I enjoyed your story about the [name withheld] relatives & the lox- I was reading the letter at work by my telephone and laughed out loud. You have a delightful way of putting words on paper! Have you ever thought of working for a newspaper? I just eat up your letters.

     About your future- and Omaha- & what tomorrow will bring- I really don't know, Deb. Just take one day at a time & try to make the best of each day. There are reasons for everything that happen to us. (When I see God face to face someday, I've got quite a list of things to discuss with him, as I question why I've been handed some of my "crosses".) I just hope things "fall into place" for you. You've entered into an adventure that has to add something positive into your life- if nothing else, to distract you and help pass the time until you can see your son again. You always sound so pessimistic (sp?) when you write about him. Don't! You will always be his biological mother & there will be a bond between you, even though you are not together. Linnea sounds like a very generous person who would never interfere with your relationship. Circumstances have separated you for now- but it won't be forever!!

     I'm going to end this now- keep me in your prayers & I'll do the same for you- Life is so hard-                                                     

     Love,

     Judi

P.S. Sorry it took me so long to answer! I think of you often- write if you get a chance. Once again, I love your interesting letters!

It was, the height of irony, that, soon after, I transferred the custody, of my baby boy to his father and stepmother to raise, so he would have the best possible life that he could, given the situation, I began working as a live-in nanny in someone else's home, caring for and loving their kids. People really don't realize, how hard my life has been, in some ways, and all that I have had to overcome, while going though some extremely painful emotions. Because I choose to be compassionate and gentle with people, normally, unless, they give me reasons not to be, I think that I come across to others, often, as weak, or a pushover, when I am as strong as steel, in SO MANY WAYS, because of, all, that I have been through, in my life!

The landlord of my apartment building, when I was applying to be a live-in nanny, wrote me a letter of reference. I was very touched, by it. It is transcribed, below. 

 

To Whom It May Concern,

Deborah [Last name] is a tenant of mine, . . . 

I personally have two little girls. (Ages 2 & 4) Deborah has been to our apartment several times to visit and babysit on occasion. My little girls like her visits because she gives them alot of attention, hugging, holding, playing and coloring with them. Children respond well to people who are very open and honest with them. This is how I would describe Deborah, as a very open and honest person. 

Being resident manager, I have had to enter her apartment on different times and have always found Deborah to be a very neat and clean person.

If you are looking for someone to take care of your children, I believe Deborah is well suited for the job.

                                                                           Sincerely,

                                                                           Melinda [Last name withheld]

I am a very serious person, but I also have a strong sense of humor! While I was still working in the nursing field on a medical/surgical patient floor at the hospital  I wrote out some of my, corny, jokes, for Valentine's Day, and sent them down to the ER department via the pneumatic tube system, to the head ER doctor, Steve, who was my good friend, at the time, and knew me well. It shows, my silly sense of humor, that comes out around people that I feel safe to be myself around, and like. When, I try to be myself with people, and show them this side of me, if they seem judgmental, uptight or humorless I don't feel open to getting to know them better. After all, if people can't accept you, for, who you are, then, why bother, to befriend them? You were created to be, uniquely, yourself. That, is who, we have to be, in this world, to be, authentic; to keep it real, to be genuine, to be honest. Here are two photos, of me (below), from my days working in the nursing field. I was in my mid-20s. We were required to wear a white uniform (including shoes), back then, which was between the era when nurses had to also wear a white cap at all times, and now, when people working in nursing wear scrubs and sneakers. Back then, we had to take the patients' temperatures manually, by shaking down the thermometers to get a more accurate read, and hold their wrist, to take their pulse. It was hands on. The old photos, from 40 years or so ago, aren't real clear.  I really enjoyed that career field, which ended for me when all the patient lifting I had to do began to throw my back out, more and more often. That led to dancing. I would not want to be in nursing, anymore, in the times, we live in, now, though. I really respect people who are still willing, to be in that line of work, at this point.

Here are my silly Valentine's Day Single's Ads, hospital style, from the mid-1980s:

LGH Valentine Positions to be filled.

Must make application for your specialty area by Feb. 14th to qualify.

A partial list of openings*:

A heart-throb for Cardiology (No heartbreakers apply, please)

Someone sweet for Dietary

Someone uninhibited for Public Relations

An amiable Escort

A Knockout for Anesthesia

Someone highly skilled as well as efficiently fast for ER

Someone insightful for X-Ray

A clean-cut individual for the Surgery Department, preferably sterile

* Valentine inquiries may be directed to any, available, staff. Happy Valentine's Day!

That is reminiscent of the type of things that 'Hawkeye Pierce', and his sidekicks, would do in the TV show M*A*S*H, which was all about medical personnel being silly at times as a stress reliever, because working in medical settings is stressful. 

When I lived in Wilmington, North Carolina for awhile I worked in Medical Records at an Orthopedic clinic. It was a fast-paced, challenging and stressful job because it was a very large practice with multiple doctors. I took it as a temp job, to see if I wanted to settle long-term in the city. I had a very good church there with great people and it was a nice area but when the temp job ended I decided to move on. That was in 2006. The end of the temp assignment coincided with Christmas. The staff gave me a good-bye card. Here are some of the comments, they wrote in it:

Deborah, . . . We will miss your smile and cheery spirit. - Allison; Deborah, I will miss your smiling face! . . . Lauren; Deborah, It has been nice getting to know you. We will miss seeing you around the office! . . . Stacey; . . . It was fantastic getting to joke around & visit w/you . . . . I know there is a fun & interesting career that can't wait to grab you up! Kick it into high gear. - Jennifer; I will miss you, Deborah. . . . Elaine; . . . P.S. Thanks for the beautiful X-mas card in Remembrance of my father. . . . Deborah, I'll miss your positively friendly presence around here. . . . ~ Amanda; . . . I will sure miss all your compliments. You're so kind. - Kimberly

Those co-workers were from, medical records, the business office, surgery scheduling, the front desk, patient check-in/check-out, chart prep, and one was the telephone operator/appointment scheduler there.

A young woman, who was also working there, as a temp, in another department, gave me a Christmas card, that also deeply touched me. Her name was Tiffany. I kept it all these years, to remind me that, one person, including me, and Tiffany, can really make a positive difference in the lives of others. The card has a picture of a Christmas cherub  on it,  and says,  "At Christmas time,  kind deeds  put the smiles on angels' faces." The print on the inside of the card says, "Hope the spirit of Christmas surrounds you like a warm hug." Then, she wrote, "-I know this is a little late. I wish you  the best  and take care.  The 'take time' card  you gave me was great. Take this and get yourself something special. Happy Holidays! Tiffany"  I made a note on the outside of the envelope, to remind myself what brought the tears to my eyes, upon receiving this, from her, and I kept the card, for always. I wrote: "Tiffany is a temp in Transcription- a struggling single Mom driving a noisy beat up car  with sadness in her eyes  and pain deeply etched  into her (relatively young woman's) face-  yet she  gave me a ride  to the bank  after work  in rain in  12-22 traffic . . . She offered that- I didn't ask. Her face, prior to that, had looked struck with  amazement,  warmth, and  a glimmer  of some  needed kind  of hope when  I'd simply  given her  one of boxed  (Guidepost Christian)  Christmas cards w/her name  on it. Her card to me also had a $20.00 BELK gift card in it - a huge and loving sacrifice as I know she struggles hard financially,  as I do, and perhaps more so."  Looking at that card, from 16 years ago, still, brings tears  to my eyes.

My cockatiel, CeeBee, loved the Hershey's Kiss Christmas bells commercial. It has been on TV all these years. I am so grateful that they still have it, for the Season, because, every time, I see and hear it, I speak to CeeBee's spirit, and say, "There is your pretty Christmas bell commercial, CeeBee! I love you always and forever!" My friend, Erik, brought tears to my eyes, several months ago, when I was telling him what that ad meant to CeeBee, and therefore, to me, and he Messaged me a link to it, on Facebook, so that I could, still, access it, if they ever stop showing it, on TV. My eyes often tear up when it comes on. [https://www.google.com/search?q=video+of+the+HErsheys+Kiss+Christmas+beell+commercial&oq=video+of+the+HErsheys+Kiss+Christmas+beell+commercial&aqs=chrome..69i57j33i10i160j33i299j33i22i29i30.10630j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:6ac721b7,vid:4HtSLF4vlrk] CeeBee flew Home to Heaven in July of 2011 just a few months short of his 20th birthday. I saved a newspaper that was on my coffee table when that heartbreak happened, because I scribbled what I was feeling on it at the time. Now, it is a yellowed piece of paper, from the passage of time. The following, is what I wrote, about the death of my bird baby:

"(written on here by me just after CeeBee Marie went to heaven . . . .) Having that sudden, jabbing, take-my-breath-away pain in my stomach, almost like somebody's punched me in the gut, actually leaving a lingering stomach ache, causing me to audibly groan softly and wince. that is PAIN. pain of a hugely impactful loss yet a deep, pure, abiding love. That combination we struggle so with, as humans, of losing yet still having something in our lives & hearts of great value & meaning to us. Then, suddenly, an 'ugly cry' overcomes us. This is Grief. If we didn't CARE , it wouldn't HURT."

                                  CeeBee    November 1991 - July 2011

 

CeeBee wearing as much of his popcorn as he ate!

CeeBee, trying to change the TV channel to something more to his liking?

CeeBee 'nesting' inside an empty cardboard box, with his 'Bead Baby' toy under him, and a snack nearby.

Now, for the holiday season, here is the transcript of the story by Diana Honaker:

Without food or money, she learned a lesson about trusting God.

The Faith Of A Child

"Billy prayed, 'Jesus, we need food because Mom doesn't have any money- and we don't like soup. Please give us some graham crackers too' "

The can of tomato soup stood before me on the nearly empty shelf. I reached for it reluctantly because my kids didn't like tomato soup- unless I fixed cheese sandwiches to go with it. "Lord," I prayed, "You have always taken care of us. We are out of nearly everything except this one can of soup. You know I don't get paid for another week- and the child support check is late. Please show me what to do. I need wisdom."

     My children and I had moved to Prescott, Arizona, only two weeks earlier. Now I stood in our kitchen wondering what to do about food. The money that I had been counting on had not arrived. I knew that I could ask for help from our friends who lived in the area, but I sensed the Holy Spirit nudging me to trust God to meet our needs. I whispered a quick prayer for guidance, picked up the can of soup and headed for the living room.

     I sat down on the floor next to a few of our moving boxes.  My one-year-old son, Brandon, climbed onto my lap and took charge of the can. Billy, age six, made a face and said, "Yuck! Are we having that for dinner?" Avoiding his question, I asked my nine-year-old daughter, Tonya, to turn off the TV.

     "Would you guys please come and sit with me for a minute?" I asked. They agreed.

     "Well, it seems that this is what we will have for dinner tonight," I explained. "We are out of food. Because Mommy has just started a new job, she will not be paid until next week, and we don't have money to buy food. Why don't we pray and ask Jesus to help us- what do you think?"

     "Can't you just go to the store and write a check, Mom?" Billy asked.

     "Checks aren't any good unless you have money in the bank," Tonya corrected. Billy glanced with annoyance at his older sister.

     I retrieved the soup can from Brandon and exchanged it for one of his favorite toys. Then I set the can down in front of us and said, "Why don't we all touch the soup can and ask Jesus to give us the food that we need, OK? Tonya, you pray first, then Billy can pray. Brandon and I will pray last."

     Tonya's prayer was sweet. Then Billy prayed, "Jesus, we need food because Mom doesn't have any money- and we don't like soup. Please give us some graham crackers too." Brandon was tired of sitting still, so I quickly finished by saying, "Thank you, Jesus, for hearing our prayers. Amen." I was concerned about Billy's asking for graham crackers. 

     "Billy, God will give us what we need to eat, but we might have to wait on graham crackers because they are a treat."

     "He will too give us graham crackers! They are important," Billy insisted. 

     While I was heating the soup, I remembered some packets of soda crackers in our car. I kept hoping that I would remember another food item tucked away somewhere. At least Brandon had a couple of jars of baby food to warm his tummy. After we ate the soup and crackers, the kids got ready for bed. The kids said their prayers, and I tucked them in. Quickly all three were asleep. It amazed me how peaceful they looked. They trusted me completely.

     My night was filled with tossing and turning. The decision to trust God for our food seemed unrealistic. We had friends who would help us; was I just being too proud to ask? Did I really have enough faith to do this? Maybe our tomato-soup prayer was just a desperate act. My tired mind and body rested heavily on the bed. The only sound that I heard was the constant song of crickets. Their peaceful melody did not soothe my frightened spirit.

     Morning came quickly. We functioned in our usual manner. I pushed and I prodded. The kids shuffled and groaned. "OK, guys, let's go! Tonya, don't forget your gym suit."

     In his usual energetic way Billy raced to the door. When he swung open the door, his momentum came to a halt. Two bags filled with groceries were sitting in front of our door. We rushed forward to get a closer look. Eagerly we carried them inside, making enough noise to wake up the entire neighborhood.

     Each item was greeted with enthusiasm. Tuna, macaroni and cheese, beans, rice, lemonade and apples were all part of our blessing. Even items like toilet paper were cherished because we had nearly run out of that too.

     As we worked our way into the second bag, we discovered a large blue box. With shouts of delight Billy retrieved the treasure. "See, Mom, I knew that Jesus would give us graham crackers!"

     I hugged Billy, and through tears I answered, "You are right. I'm sorry I didn't believe that He would give us those too." How small my faith seemed next to my son's faith.

     What a lesson I learned that day. It was the faith of a little child that taught me not to limit God. I can bring my needs and my desires to Him. He cares about everything in my life.

"It was the faith of a little child that taught me not to limit God. I can bring my needs and my desires to Him. He cares about everything in my life"

Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, to each and every one of you readers! -Deb

* the big man: A male human being who does or has done something that makes them feel superior to others, or very good about themselves, although, they know that, their accomplishment, or action, in this regard, doesn't truly mean anything.

                                 

One Size Fits All: The Only Sin That Exists

Every single sin since Original Sin occurred in the Garden of Eden comes down to just one thing: selfishness. We face a constant challenge, because of it. Although we are born into this world with our sinful nature, that causes our egocentric self to want what we want when we want it, for ourselves, to be gratified, and feel as fulfilled as possible, as individuals, we are also, almost immediately, tempered by being taught generally acceptable socialization standards, as well as, constricting religious dogma, which tell us to, treat others as we would want to be treated, at the very least, and even strive for sacrificing our own wants and needs, for those of others. Whether you call it guidance, or guilt trips, optimization, or oppression, we must deal with being, continually, called on to be as selfless as possible. From the time we are toddlers, who hear the stern sound, of a "NO! NO!", for reaching out to grasp things we want, it seems that, we are always being told to subjugate our own desires, for the good of others. Since that goes against human nature, it creates a constant conflict in us, individually. We also see the ripples, and results, throughout society. Wars are fought for selfish reasons. Crimes are committed for selfish reasons. Corruption is caused by selfishness. Everything that is causing all the hurt and heartache on the earth comes down to the only sin that really exists.

The mother of all sins. Selfishness. It causes us to be in continual discord not only within ourselves, but with others, as well, as we struggle, however unsuccessfully, on any given day, to balance our craving with our caring. I for one am exhausted, by it. Despite what religious bigots, and hypocrites, try to yoke the rest of us into, while they are the ones most often exposed in the news, for being and doing what they tell the rest of us, not to do, lest we live in the heat of hellfire for all eternity, every single human being on this fallen planet, was, a sinner, is, a sinner, and will be, a sinner, in some form or fashion, every damn day of our lives. Making myself miserable by constantly putting other peoples' needs and wants ahead of my own burned me out, in recent years. I lived most of my life being excessively altruistic and I had nothing to show for it, in my own life, but being, used, exploited, toyed with, and abused by people that took all I had to offer them, drained me dry, and left me lifeless in my own soul after giving me NOTHING that I NEEDED in return. A poured out pitcher has nothing to offer anybody. I STILL haven't met ANYBODY that seems to take MY needs seriously, and respect them, and address them, in a way that is helpful, happy, and healing, for me. I just keep on being disappointed. If it's not, finally, MY TURN to have MY NEEDS met now, WHEN WILL IT EVER BE? It seems that people always want to get THEIR needs met AT MY EXPENSE, while disparaging MY normal human needs as just being sin, that I need to not indulge. The way I see it, my needs are unmet BECAUSE they SELFISHLY took what THEY needed from ME and left me hanging with more heartache adding insult to injury. They even throw me under the bus, while they're at it, rather than own their part in it all. I end up feeling, hurt, humiliated, and violated. I can't trust people, now.

Human beings tend to want to 'rank' sins, with the greatest being murder or some such thing, and the least being 'telling a little white lie'-- with, whatever, their own particular sins are often getting a free pass, in their rationale. I do this as much as any other person on the planet. It is something that I constantly struggle with and I have no doubt that many, if not most, others are having to grapple with this, too. We know, what our own weaknesses and temptations are, all too well, whether we act on those, or not. But, we tend to think, rather judgmentally, that somehow the other people should be so strong and virtuous at all times and under all conditions. What keeps us up at night usually isn't our own sins but those of others, that have affected us in some way. We each are the only human being that we can control or change, though. I can't speak for you, but I am only OH SO human (sigh!) and the nearly irresistible gravitational pull of some sin on me, sometimes causes me to be willing to throw all caution to the wind, and go for something that I am longing for.

I have been told to sit tight in my little Christian box and 'be a good little girl', and at some point, God would reward me for 'doing the right thing'. Well, I'm 66 years old now, and at this point in my life, my needs are still not met, and I am PAST MY BREAKING POINT, with being, able to, or really care, whether I, meet the needs of others, when it seems like, my doing that, is always at my expense, and my needs are, still, waiting. I'm sad and I'm mad, that other peoples' selfishness has caused me so much grief in my life; and that, they don't ever seem to care, about that, or own, their part in, breaking my heart. Their, behavior, basically, SETS OFF A BOMB in MY life, leaving DAMAGE and DEVASTATION behind. Playing with peoples' hearts should be ILLEGAL-- IT IS NOT A GAME. PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T PLAY WITH ANOTHER PERSON'S HEART. It is so hard, and takes so long, to recover from that. If you just need your EGO STROKED, please, find some other way, to do that, than HURTING SOMEONE, WHO DEEPLY CARES ABOUT YOU. It is such an inequity.

I've managed not to sin more times than not, but 'doing without' is little comfort, when I am left with the cold, harsh, reality, of my moral compass directing me to  a place of deprivation where my deep desires are not met. We human beings are hungry creatures. We get strong cravings at times, that seem to get a hold of us, and drive our willpower into the ground; sometimes even wrecking our lives, and those of others, if we give in, to that. The alternative path is just as daunting, to my soul, though. Living life, almost all the time, without, the desires of my heart finding fulfillment, in the everyday reality of my existence, on this earth, is a sad truth, for me. I live my life the majority of the time, stuck in the most frustrating limbo, between not having my deepest desires met for a variety of circumstantial reasons, and what could or would happen if I didn't continue to be as disciplined, as I usually am about the temptation, and let myself 'go there'. There's good and bad to everything; no matter what. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. There is no completely 'Happily Ever After' on this fallen planet. I can congratulate myself that, due to my normally taking the moral high ground, the days of my life better prepare me to stand before the Judgement Throne of God one day. Surely He will see, appreciate, and even reward me, when I am trying my best, to do things His way. At least that is what, all the religious teachings, have led me to believe. This kind, of existence, leaves me feeling, so unfulfilled, and so miserable, sometimes, though, that there are days that, I think that I'd be better off, if He just called me Home, to Him, now! It just doesn't feel worth it, to me, to be living my life on this planet in a kind of, spiritual, 'survival mode', when what I consider to be, some of the most, basic, human needs, OF THE SOUL, aren't met-- really, EVER. The Bible tells us that, "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23), but, to be totally honest, about it, LIFE has often left me feeling COMPLETELY SHORTCHANGED, with my list of UNMET NEEDS remaining, UNCHANGED, day, after day, week, after week, year, after year and even decade, after decade. 'Frustrated' is an UNDERSTATEMENT for me at this point. I am, absolutely, completely, thoroughly, BROKENHEARTED, now.

Although, I'm a Christian, I am honest, and keep it real. The way I figure it, God, already knows, everything, I'm thinking and feeling, anyway, so I am honest with Him, too. He IS a God of TRUTH, after all. It is RELIGION, that tries to train us to do all the 'religious posturing' that doesn't really resonate with what's going on in us, as real, flesh and blood, people, who are struggling with sin, every single day.  I CALL BULLSHIT, on the image I posted just above this paragraph. That is what I have been taught, my whole life, but, in my experience, it has been pure bullcrap. I did ALOT MORE FOR PEOPLE than they EVER did for ME, with NOTHING to show for that. Sure, I could feel like I did 'good deeds' for all of them, but MY TURN TO HAVE MY NEEDS MET NEVER SEEMED TO COME-- TO THIS DAY. Because of that I try NOT to involve myself in OTHER PEOPLES' NEEDS, at this point. Let somebody else take a turn at meeting all those things for others. I need to MEET MINE NOW.

ALL the things that I was taught along the way, that I am to DO, in order to HAVE a HAPPY life, HAVE NOT WORKED FOR ME. I would think that, BY NOW, at age 66, there would have been SOMETHING GOOD, to SHOW FOR all of that self-sacrifice, and good works. Sure, I have really messed up at times, and have had seasons of moral lapses, in judgment, and behavior, along the way, but for the large majority of the time, I have acted altruistically, and unselfishly, and even, courageously, on behalf of others; sometimes LETTING GO of WHAT I HAD because it was the BEST thing to do-- for THOSE THAT, I LOVED-- INCLUDING, my LETTING GO of THEM. I have covered all of this in blog posts over the years. 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' has NOT WORKED FOR ME. Being a good person, thereby sowing good seeds, in good soil, has not worked, for me. Sending out good things so that karma would reward that, has not worked for me. NOTHING HAS WORKED FOR ME! If there was any way for good things to be thwarted, that is exactly what has happened, in my life. I even made many, unselfish, decisions to let go of what (little) I DID have, so that OTHERS could have THEIR best chances, for happiness. Doing that NEARLY KILLED ME, but, I DID IT ANYWAY, RATHER THAN, BE SELFISH and keep 'mine', when it wasn't what was best, for the others involved. Even so, it seems that MY TURN has NEVER COME. I feel tears in my eyes typing that. Why is it so difficult as to seem impossible for me to have the things in life that almost all human beings seem to take for granted, as being their birthright? Basic blessings, of life on earth. It does something, to a person, when they don't experience those things. I have learned to be good at meeting all of my own needs-- as much, as is possible, with that. But we were designed to meet one another's needs, to a large extent, and I never seem to encounter the people who can, really, do that, for me. What they want is not what I want. Or, I want what they are, but they are not in a position to give that to me. So, I see, that, they exist, but, that, does ME no good!

Doing the 'right' thing, is small comfort, when, knowing that, I did that, yet again, is ALL, that I have, to show, for the situation. Any 'heavenly rewards' seem, so far away, and are little comfort to me now, as I struggle to live with the stress of such constant frustration. I saw this tweet online, recently, and it really resonated, with me, at this point: "More like what could possibly go right?" I am exhausted in my SOUL at this point. I mean, JUST REALLY BURNED OUT. Twice in recent weeks, I have opened up a bottle of Riunite (which I consider the taste of, to be, 'kool-aid with a kick'), and drank it down, within minutes; without bothering to use a glass. This is after not drinking more than a couple of beers, total, in the last 25 years. I am not doing well, overall, right now. I'm crumbling under the strain of what I call Bullcrap Overload. People bring their shit into my life, but nothing that will soothe, or save, me, and I just can't handle any more heartbreak, in my life, at this point! If you have read my blog posts over the years you should know why this would be the case for me, after all that. I AM COMPLETELY BROKEN. I am not STANDING so much, anymore, as I am REELING, punch-drunk (even, without the wine), from all the BLOWS TO MY SOUL, that I have SUFFERED IN THIS LIFE. I'm terrified now of what could happen if ANYONE adds, even ONE MORE STRAW, to this camel's back. I have had to spend my entire life, being a STRONG person, from the time I was a little girl and realized that, I was caught in the middle of my parents very troubled relationship. I NEED A HUG! I NEED a 'SAFE' place to JUST BE ME, and not have to warily watch my back, around bitches, and backstabbers. I NEED PRIVACY. I NEED PEACE. I NEED to be ABLE to FINALLY have MY needs met-- without, that, being a 'sin'. I live in a world that seems to be populated with the wrong people that don't or, for whatever reason, can't, give me what I need, in the relationship with them. I AM POURED OUT, at this point! I am, SO TIRED, of NOT HAVING MY NEEDS MET, and being treated like IT IS 'SINFUL' that I EVEN NEED THEM TO BE. I am human!

WHEN IS IT EVER MY TURN? It feels CRUEL to me to KEEP BEING DENIED, by the 'guilt trip', of 'sin'. Other people have fairly easily, and apparently with no pang of conscience-- which adds insult to injury-- sinned at my expense, leaving me more broken than ever. It TAKES SO MUCH, for me to TRUST anyone, at this point, and when I do, I REGRET IT ALMOST EVERY TIME. I can't help but wonder, if they had been on the receiving end, of what they have done to me, if they would like being treated the way that they have treated me. The half-first-cousin, who was told, to protect me, when I went away to college, but, compromised my virginity, causing me to drop out of school and marry him, when I did not even love him, was being selfish. The stranger, who raped me in his pickup truck, while telling me as he did so, that he 'just wanted to know if I could LOVE', was being selfish. I'm the victim of ONE sin, and one sin only. Selfishness. I, have been selfish, too, at times, but I have apparently been alot better at NOT DOING THAT to other people than alot of other people are at NOT DOING THAT to ME. I am to the point now, based on how things have gone for me, up until this point in my life, that even under the threat, of hell, for 'misbehaving', I don't think I can hold on any longer with MY needs not being met. SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE. I AM ONLY HUMAN. The DEPRIVATION is DAMAGING ME. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, and I can't win no matter what I DO or DON'T do. My SOUL is DRIED UP from DESPAIR at this point.

This blog is about my going through, multiple, dark nights of the soul. This is one, of those times. When I've passed by people on the street, sitting on the curb, and sipping wine out of a paper bag, I've often wondered what their lives were like up until this happened to them. They had to have had parents or at least caregivers. Did they get hugs? Did their teachers in school, identify their strengths and skills, which everyone has some of, and encourage and inspire them to be at their best? Did somebody badly break their heart, when they were an adult, wanting a home and a family of their own? Did their employer, screw them over, some way, out of greed, or indifference to their contribution, to the company? Did their friend offer  a drug to them, when they were vulnerable, telling them, it would make all of the pain go away, and now, they can't do without that drug, because, the withdrawal, is so excruciating? How on earth did they end up sitting in ragged, smelly clothes and their own urine, and vomit, as other people pass by them, turning away, and showing no compassion, as if this isn't another, actual, human being. Repulsed at the sight. Everyone has a story. Things, they have lived through, that have made them the person they are, today. Right now, I have a 3rd bottle of wine chilled in the fridge, just waiting, for the next day that, I just want to numb the pain, I feel from my broken heart, because, it is searing my soul, every minute, of every day, right now, and it gets to be MORE than I CAN COPE WITH at times, anymore. I'm well-trained in having to live with heartbreak in my life. It's actually NORMAL FOR ME now, to live that way. I just, foolishly, thought that, IT WAS FINALLY MY TURN to have the things that make life so sweet, that I still desire, in my heart. What is hindering that, is the selfishness of other people. People that have gossiped about me, after I wouldn't let them in to my inner sanctuary, of peace, and privacy, that I want MY home to be-- because, THAT IS WHAT I NEED, NOW. Others, awakened emotions in me, that have caused me to be in complete turmoil; then, thrown me under the bus, by not owning that, they did this, to me. Others have shut me out, simply because, SOMEONE ELSE, TOLD THEM TO, even though, THEY don't KNOW me, themselves, to have made, their own decision, about me. There has not been alot of 'treating me like they would want to be treated', but they all seem quick to criticize ME, for how I have REACTED, to BEING TREATED THESE WAYS. Fuck that.

With SO MUCH SELFISHNESS in the world, it doesn't seem that I have much hope of anyone REALLY CARING ENOUGH to meet MY needs. Because of that, I have, at least, finally gotten more selfish, myself, about addressing MY OWN NEEDS before I even contemplate meeting anyone else's. Even so, because of a lifetime of being brainwashed, to always try to put others' needs ahead of my own, there are times that I STILL allow myself to be inconvenienced, or even, harmed, in some way, by a person who crosses my path, and expresses an unmet need that they have, and I 'rise to the occasion', to try to help them with that, in whatever way that I can. I often end up regretting that, now, though, because I not only go out of my way to help them feel better about their situation (that has nothing really to do with me), but I somehow end up paying a price, for my making that selfless effort, for them. I'm still struggling to allow myself to become much more proactive, about, making sure, that I meet, my own needs, first and foremost, since, nobody else, seems to want to do that for me; because my social conditioning has caused me to feel it is wrong, to advocate for myself, and for what I need. I became, terribly burned out, by living life as a self-sacrificing person. No one, really appreciated that I did that, for them, and I became increasingly resentful because those same people couldn't be bothered to meet any of my needs-- if I even dared, to express, any of those. I made some very different choices, when I moved to a new location, after realizing that no one will ever have my best interests at heart MORE THAN I DO; and likely, they WON'T EVEN COME CLOSE to caring about my needs compared to their own.

I make sure, not to get entrenched in, and therefore, weighed down by, the lives, and problems, of others, unless, it is, someone that I, really do, care about; what they are going through. These, are the last years of my life. It's now or never, for me, to focus on GETTING MY NEEDS MET, before I simply RUN OUT OF TIME, and IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME. If I squander these days, continuing in the same old self-sacrificial way, that I always used to, live my life like, I would have no one else to blame, for my not having my needs met, except, for myself; and, I know, I would feel bitter about letting that happen, if I could have helped it not be that way, but didn't do that, for myself. I can't make other people care about or bother to meet my needs, but I can make myself care about that and spend my time in the ways that help me to reach that goal, as much as possible. I have to MAKE THIS be MY TIME; be MY TURN. Nobody else wakes up really thinking or caring about whether my needs are met or not. There's a selfishness to human nature but we also have to advocate for ourselves, and for our own needs, especially, when no one else is. While, all, selfishness, could be considered sin, by someone who isn't getting their needs met, by others, because of it, I think, it is sin when, our being selfish, hurts another person, because we wanted what we wanted for ourselves and didn't care about the effect that could or would have on others. Driving drunk, is an example.

In full disclosure, I have no idea whether this post will even be coherent. Not only has my internet been a nightmare, recently, being extremely slow, freezing up, or crashing altogether, but I am also just so broken, right now. Even as articulate as  I am, I HAVE NO WORDS, which can describe my current sadness and pain. I just have to HELP MYSELF get through it, by God's Grace, and maybe, more bottles of wine, to, at least, leave me numb enough to get the giggles for awhile, instead of crying so much, because my heart is so broken. Not long ago, I was so "joyful". I laughed, often and easily, and I felt like I could finally have a brighter future, and that it would FINALLY BE MY TURN, for MY UNMET NEEDS to be MET. Now, I hope  that, I can survive, each day, while I don't feel the least bit certain, that I can. All  I know for sure, is that, I HAVE TO. By God's Grace, somehow, some way, I HAVE TO. I have to continue the journey, that God's Called me to, in faith, and trust, in Him. I am NOT, by any means, a 'saint', as in, a PERFECT PERSON. Nor do I want to be such, an obviously fake, specimen of humanity. I just, love, and trust, GOD. He's brought me through every trial and tribulation in my life, and it comforts me to know that He will see me through my present challenges, as well. I got hurt by the selfishness of others, but I got hurt by my own selfishness, too. I don't know, if, or when, it will ever BE MY TURN to get MY needs met, finally. But, I know that  I can TRUTHFULLY say before God that I NEVER WANTED THEM MET at somebody else's expense. I could NEVER be happy if HAVING that COST SOMEBODY THEIRS. So, in some ways, such as advocating for myself, and my own needs, I am selfish, but in other ways, I STILL refuse to be selfish, if it costs somebody, what is theirs. Surely, at SOME point, God has something FOR ME. I am a VERY UNIQUE woman, so I absolutely believe, that, even though, I'm DAMAGED GOODS, because of all I have been through, in my life, and therefore, I'M ALOT, to DEAL WITH, I will be, a BLESSING, to the right person. I told my friend, Erik, the other day, as we talked, that somebody will get TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE, with me, because, I am two VERY DIFFERENT WOMEN, in one body. Deb, who is tenderhearted and fragile and Stevie, my dancer alter ego, who 'takes no prisoners', and can be 'hell on wheels'!

My mind, is a mess, and a maze, right now, readers, but, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I will try my best to do better by next month's post. This is the BEST I can DO for now.