It Is What It Is: This Is My Final Blog Post

This is my final blog post. There are several reasons for this, including that I have concluded over the course of the six years that I have written these posts that the 'ascent' which I have hoped for, and strived for, could very likely never happen. At least, not to the extent that would even make it something worth writing about. I started this blog in 2019, and this is my 101st post. That number represents a lot of hours of soul searching, dark confessions, slim hopes and lots of tears from the heartbreak that I've grappled with and am trying to heal from, for most of my life.

Many of you may recall my struggling with the decision about whether to continue to blog, and if so, how often. My reasons for that ranged from my having physical pain from carpal tunnel type symptoms, when I was originally attempting to write very lengthy, detailed, posts, every week, to my moving, to where I am now, and feeling frustrated, because I feel that I can't write openly about much of what I'm experiencing now, because it is my present circumstances, rather than past ones, that the majority of my posts are about. There are several reasons that I feel that I can't write more details about a lot of people and things affecting me here, from my own personal safety to the fact that these blog posts are read by people in 70 countries now, and the people who are in my life, in, any, way-- whether they are affecting my life in good or bad ways-- have a reasonable expectation to live their own lives without things being said about them on the internet 'for all the world to see'. Believe me, the temptation, at times, for me to do a 'Tell All' about, some, of these people, was real. Especially, when they have pissed me off! But, I didn't use this blog to do that, even though some of them may feel that I did at times. I told the truth about my own life, which includes, anything, and anyone, in my life, that has had an impact on it in any meaningful or lasting way. I was very honest about what I shared here, even when it revealed some ugly truth about me and things I have done which, I wish, I could undo. Because of that candor, this blog is able to describe who I am, for better and for worse, and my posts can answer almost any question that someone has about me of any importance. It really is, my life story, up until it ends with this post. Whatever does or doesn't happen, to and for me, in the future, will never be revealed here, now. Not even significant developments in my life, should those ever occur. Given, my past, my age, and my situation I must conclude at this point that, the odds of my dreams coming true aren't in my favor.

                                               

Why am I deciding to definitely stop writing this now? I have already shared some of the reasons that I have considered doing this, in my previous posts, but there's one overarching reason that was the deciding factor for me, after my ambivalence about ending my blog. It goes all the way back to what I chose to call my blog, in 2019, as I began this journaling journey: "Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections". I just got tears in my eyes typing that, because it hints at a feeling of optimism, a determination, in my mindset, and, maybe, just, deep, faith-- that I still had, back then-- that, somehow, God would make a way, where there seemed to be no way, or perhaps a miracle would be imparted to me by the Universe, which would finally fulfill the deepest desires of my very human heart. I am actually a realist at my core, though, and I just don't see that ever happening.

I am battle-scarred and very burned out, but I have some sense of pride that I've at least 'survived' everything that I've been through, in my life, however torn and tattered I am by it all. The dark night of the soul has surely taken a toll on me but what has led to my decision to stop blogging about my life is my acknowledgment that, even the best of what has happened to and for me can't be considered to be any significant 'ascent' that would deliver me out of the dark, and into the light of all the love and laughter that I have dreamed about, and prayed for, for so long. I do tell God that, I know, He is good to me, in so many ways, for which I am truly, deeply, grateful. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and even though I will spend it alone, by choice-- given the other available alternatives, which were not anything that's particularly appealing to me-- because of the Covid virus, among other things-- I am well aware that, I am so blessed, in so many ways. It is my being deprived of or denied a fulfilling romantic relationship that gets me down, the most, though. I am a passionate person (and frankly, a very 'horny' one), so being celibate for 26 years, and counting, at this point, has been extremely frustrating, and unfulfilling, for me. I make regular use of my vibrators, and they serve me very well. But I've wanted to do things, with a man, that I just can't do with a machine. That is what I'm missing most, in my life. Just because the hair turns gray on the outside does not mean there is any diminishing of, 'the fire in the furnace', within, so to speak!

My sense of humor, even about disappointments and deprivations, is what carries me through, many times, when I have no alternative but to laugh or cry, so I will share some of that with you regarding this otherwise hopeless-seeming situation.  I wrote about John Noble, AKA 'JDaddy74' online, in a previous post. Whenever I watch one of his videos-- especially, the ones with his shirt off-- it just makes me smile. (I love a hairy chest on a man!) His facial features don't appeal to me, but  I put a photo of him in a black hat and no shirt on my large desktop computer as my lock screen background. So, every day, I smile to myself, because while I am turning on my computer, it is TURNING ME ON, too! (The photo is below.) It gets even better, though! I ALSO, made this photo the lock screen background for my smartphone, so every time I need to unlock my phone, I have to stroke his body somewhere, with my finger, to do that. The available 'choices' are ALL delightful, and delicious, for me! Umm, umm, UMM! (I am SMILING, really BIG, right now!)

    

 John Noble, AKA JDaddy74 

Some sombersome situations have happened, though, which are things that I can find nothing funny about, at all. This past Saturday, I got an email from my sister, saying that Dad died, on September 10th of this year. If you read my posts about him, and our relationship, then you will know that, I was No Contact with him, for many years, and I vowed that I would not attend his funeral when he didn't allow me to be at my brother Mike's funeral after he committed suicide by gun. I was in Omaha, Nebraska and wasn't to blame in any way for Mike's death in Greensboro, North Carolina. My mother, sent me, ONE, very small, color, photo, of my brother, lying in his casket. That was all my family shared with me, in the whole situation, and there was absolutely no reason, for it. I have no issue, whatsoever, with Pam not telling me about Dad's death sooner. I was fine with that. I felt nothing, about his passing, because he really never engaged in a relationship with me even while I spent 18 years growing up in his house. He spent so much time watching TV. He would glare at me scornfully, or snap at me angrily, if I dared, to interrupt that, in any way. He was a fearsome figure in the household, that had a chilling effect. We all make choices in life, and those have consequences. Both my parents are gone, now, but they were already long gone from my life for years due to their behavior toward me causing me to go No Contact. My mother was actually a narcissist and my dad was an absentee father-- even when, he was in the same house with me. Neither of them were affirming or affectionate toward me. These people were not what I would call a 'loving' family. It wasn't a warm, nurturing, safe-feeling home.

It could be argued that they showed love in their own way but it was often hurtful and harmful, and I finally went No Contact, to try, to heal, from the damage, and destructiveness, of how they treated me. NO love, can be better than BAD love. I did what I had to do, to survive the dysfunction in that family. I wish, it had been different-- better-- for all of us. My sister Pam, who was the youngest member of my family of origin, once told me that, after the rest of us were grown and gone, she had to intervene to break up physical fights between our parents. How awful for her! When I was very little, their fights escalated into, physical, violence also, which was genuinely terrifying to me as a small child that depended on these two grownups for my very survival; traumatizing me in ways I never recovered from. My son, Jay, once chastised me that I 'made my mother cry', though. My mother and father made sure to undermine my relationship with my son which led to my heartbreaking decision to transfer his custody to his father and stepmother, to be raised by them, the rest of the way, after I had been the only one caring for him, 24/7, after he was born, while his dad was too busy socializing to bother with it. I contacted my son after he was grown, and HE made ME cry, by disrespecting me!

I chose to be SELFLESS, in order to give him the BEST possible life he could have. I had never even wanted to have any kids because I was so afraid that the family dysfunction would cause my relationship with any kids of my own to become toxic as well. Ironically, that is exactly what happened, anyway, due to the way that my family portrayed me. As my son grew up, he heard that, I was the black sheep, of the family (their SCAPEGOAT, actually, to keep any focus off THEIR OWN sins). He bought into it, and after he and I had remained close for several years of his early childhood, he ultimately cut off his relationship with me for no reason that he ever gave me, when he was in his early 20s. I reached out to him when he was around 38 years old, but he clearly did not want a relationship with me, so I let it go. But, I messaged him, again, this year, just to send my condolences, when I saw online that his stepmother, who had raised him with his father, had passed away, in May of this year. I sent a sympathy card to Jim, as well, but, neither one of them ever acknowledged, or responded to, that. I wrote something on my Facebook account about Linnea when she passed though that shows who I am and MY HEART about it. I'm copying & pasting that below, for you to see. This is what I said about her:

"Deborah Robinson

June 8

I came across a post indicating that my son's stepmother passed away, less than a month ago.

Linnea was without a doubt THE BEST HUMAN BEING that I have EVER KNOWN in my life!

She was technically his stepmother because I gave birth to my son, but I transferred his custody to his father, my ex-husband, Jim Carlin, after telling him that I REALLY LIKED HER, and that I would give him custody of our son Jay IF HE MARRIED LINNEA. They married soon after.

I JUST KNEW that SHE was SOMEONE SPECIAL, and would be a great influence on both Jim and our baby boy Jay. It was the best possible resolution of a bad situation. (Jim had only married me because I unexpectedly became pregnant, which neither of us had planned on, or really wanted.)

While I was in the process of divorcing Jim, I suggested that he spend his evenings teaching ballroom dance instead of just going out. He was a career Air Force officer at the time, but I had seen a job ad in the paper for Ballroom Dance Instructors, and he already had that training. He took my advice, and THAT is how HE MET LINNEA. They fell in love before our divorce was even final. HE NEEDED HER, and SHE NEEDED HIM. They were PERFECT FOR ONE ANOTHER!

IT NEARLY KILLED ME to LET GO of MY GUYS that I LOVED SO MUCH, but I knew IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD DO FOR JIM AND JAY, AND THEIR HAPPINESS, and I WAS RIGHT!

Because Linnea was THE PERFECT MOTHER for Jay, after THEY had BEEN A FAMILY for a while, and I could see that IT WAS INDEED GOING VERY WELL, I told her that I wanted to give my parental rights to Jay up, for her to be able to adopt Jay as her own son.

Ironically, I had a baby, but never wanted to do that, because I was afraid my family's dysfunction would make me a bad mother, but SHE was the PERFECT mother-figure who was never able to have her own children to raise. She did adopt Jay, so in the eyes of the law I HAVE NO SON, and she and Jim adopted a Korean girl while Jim was stationed there in the Air Force. They did have a baby girl of their own, but she died during childbirth, as I understand it. LIFE IS TRULY ODD, WITH HOW THINGS GO, AT TIMES.

She had not asked me to legally give up my son to her, because she was so compassionate, including toward me, and she KNEW how HARD THAT WOULD BE for me to do. But, after I approached her about it, because it was [the] best thing for Jay, and for them, traveling the world with Jim in the service, she and I went to a judge TOGETHER, to get it done, which floored the judge, who had not seen that kind of mutual love and supportiveness between an ex-wife and the new wife, before. Then we made a copy of the decree that would fit into a picture frame, and surprised Jim with that, for a Christmas gift, because he had told her that I would not ever do that because of how deeply I loved my son. It was BECAUSE I LOVED JAY that I WANTED TO DO THAT.

But, EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I did it because LINNEA WAS WORTH IT.

She was one of those people that BLESSES EVERYBODY SHE MEETS. She was gracious, caring, compassionate, loving. All the time. To everyone. She was a better person, BY FAR, than I will EVER be, and Jim was LUCKY to HAVE HER.

So, I know that Jim is enduring the biggest loss of his life, right now. They had over 40 AMAZING years TOGETHER, HAPPILY MARRIED. She was the BEST thing that EVER happened to him, I am sure. In some ways, she was the best thing to ever happen to ME, too.

I ADMIRED HER SO MUCH! I have tears filling my eyes as I write this post. She was a great lady in every way. I miss her, too."

Neighborly - Characteristic of a good neighbor, especially helpful, friendly, or kind.

The overt disrespect, that neighbors of mine, who have affiliated themselves with this clique against me here, have shown me, has been so, over-the-top, at times, that I find it hard to fathom that its perpetrated by people in their 50s - 80s! The neighbor next door actually took her leaf blower that she had finally, temporarily, turned off because I was attempting to speak to her, and deliberately blasted me in the face with it at very close range. She doesn't think I deserve basic respect!

The management had graciously hired professional landscapers, to come remove the leaves on the lots, and the crew had just come through with a team of 3 men with leaf blowers, who had blown all the leaves out onto the paved street in front of the houses here, in order to come back through with a large suction hose, and remove them all. Management had sent us all an email, outlining what to expect, and what to do and not to do, so this day would go smoothly for the landscapers.

[Below is part of the email, sent to all residents, about the leaf removal process. Although our management emailed it to us, it was provided by the landscapers.]

"They will NOT be able to remove leaves from porches, roofs, fenced areas or flower beds in yards
-Homeowners should NOT pile leaves on their own - piles hide things that can damage [the] machines and they will need to blow leaves in such a way that their machine is able to pick them up.
-They will NOT get every leaf. Sometimes people have the misconception that every leaf will be gone when they leave. They project that they will remove 80% to 90% of the leaves that are on the ground when they arrive."

The crew which had just come through apparently did not remove a high enough percentage of the leaves for my neighbor to be satisfied, so, she disregarded the information, and guidance, from the email, and started blowing leaves from HER flower bed into MY yard, which had just been prepped by the men who would be coming back through very soon to vacuum up the leaves they had just blown out onto the street. This neighbor is ALWAYS so DISRESPECTFUL to me that I dislike EVER engaging with her; but fair is fair, so I had first stayed up on my porch and simply used my pointer finger to motion to her to blow the leaves onto the street with all the others. Because her leaf blower is so loud I was not SAYING anything to her. She goes out of her way to demonstrate her disrespect of me, any chance she gets, though, so she glared at me and motioned to her EAR that she couldn't HEAR me. She goes to ridiculous lengths, like that, to make things as difficult for me as possible, whenever I have to deal with her, and this is just one example of that, since I wasn't SAYING anything AT ALL, for her to HEAR. I merely motioned toward the pile of leaves out on the street that she had just seen the landscaping crew put there, to, literally, point out that it was where the new pile that she was blowing out of her flower bed onto my lot now should be blown to by her instead.

She was now just beside my porch steps, as she ignored me standing right there on my porch, and she continued creating this new pile of leaves ON MY LOT, NOT HERS; completely disregarding what I was properly indicating that she should be doing instead, per the guidelines we were all given about it. So, I went inside my house and got my leaf rake, and I went back out and raked up her pile of leaves, putting them with the pile on the street. Despite my doing that, to make it easier for the workmen doing the job, she kept on, blowing more leaves from her flower bed directly toward my house and onto my lot, rather than to the street. She has heard me say that I always try to avoid being around leaf blowers because of the potential to damage my hearing. (My hearing was damaged, in one ear, when my last husband struck me on the side of the head, to where I was only able to open my mouth slightly, to spoon in liquids, for nourishment, for days, afterward. So, I am protective of my remaining hearing, and try to keep it from being damaged, if I can possibly prevent that from happening.) I assure you that, this neighbor was deliberately baiting me by everything that she was doing in this situation, while I was standing right there, watching her disrespect me and the workmen that way, as I became more and more frustrated, at how anyone could be so unnecessarily hostile to their next-door neighbor. (This, is the same, neighbor, by the way, that went to management behind my back to ask them if she could plant a tree-- that SHE ALREADY BOUGHT-- on MY lot, so that she would not even have to discuss it with me! She CLEARLY knew that was wrong to do to me in the first place, or she would never have TRIED to handle it that way. Can you imagine? I could not ever  do the things she has done to me to any neighbor, or to anyone else. Fortunately, that time, the manager did the right thing, by telling her that, she had to ask me, and I said no, because she already chose how to landscape her own lot, including by having her flower bed jut over into some of my lot, as it is, without, consulting me, and I pay just as much every month, for my lot, as she does, for hers. Unlike her, I am not asking for more than my fair share; but I am asking for what is fair, and I have a reasonable expectation of being able to develop my own landscaping for my lot without being denied that right and privilege because of her selfishness and greed. I have never tried to take advantage of her or of any other neighbor--

NOR WOULD I!

                                                   

Such horrible behavior, as she and the other clique bitches have done toward me here, is galling, to me! There are many ongoing instances, of this neighbor doing such things to me. When I have tried to be civil to her, she has merely continued to undermine me in every possible way, and when I catch her at it she lies to my face. Her deep disrespect of me is palpable. Since she lives next door to me, she does anything she can to undermine, and irritate, and disenfranchise, me, of my rights and privileges as a resident here. Her behavior disrupts, and destroys, my peace, and privacy, also. She has greatly diminished my quality of life that I had here before she moved in. There's just no way I can get along with such people, who care nothing about, being respectful, fair or truthful. Having her living right next door to me is emotionally excruciating at this point. She is evil, toward me. 

The day that I am describing here now, I had already tried-- twice-- to get her to stop blowing those leaves onto my lot instead of out to the pile on the street that  was only a few feet away at most, from where she continued to do this. She tries to damage my reputation as all of the clique-affiliated people here try hard to do, which is extremely distressing to me because it distorts how people here think of me, and therefore, it affects how they treat me, even if they are not in the clique themselves. My reputation matters to me! What she was doing now, with blowing her leaves onto my lot, was also intended to do that because clearly it would also make it appear to the landscapers that I WAS THE ONE who did not respect them enough to follow the directions they had provided us through our management to make this large task go as smoothly for them as possible by resident cooperation and compliance. Had her pile of leaves been left in my yard, they would likely see that as something that I did, when they came back, to vacuum up their prepared leaf pile on the street, right in front of our houses. After I raked her leaves out to the street, I stood face-to-face, with her, again, to try to get her to stop, because she continued doing it even after all this. I confronted her directly and with a very frustrated look on my face, I told her to blow them toward the street! This time, I WAS articulating this to her, and this time, she had, briefly, stopped, her loud leaf blower, just long enough to sneer, at me, and say, "GROW UP!" Then, she pointed her leaf blower upward, right at my face at very close range, and blasted my face with it. Shocked at such treatment of me-- and for no good reason whatsoever!--  I exclaimed "Bitch!", as I finally lost my temper, and I told her to "STOP!" Seeing that she had pushed me to exactly where she wanted me, she then, simply, said, what she should have said from the beginning, which was, "Okay", as she began blowing the rest of the leaves from her lot out onto the street. It blows my mind that anyone acting like she does toward me would say "Grow up", to ME, when I am not the one of the two of us that is behaving in these ways that she is. There  is nothing "grown up" about the ways she has behaved toward, and about, me. I have either done things of good will toward my neighbors, or nothing at all. But I have never behaved anything like these shameful things that they do toward me.

Management provided a beautifully done Thanksgiving-themed appreciation meal for the residents earlier this month, but I didn't go. I saw pictures from it though, and it was lovely. I vacillated between, going, or not going. They held it outdoors, under an open tent, so my Covid concerns would have been somewhat alleviated, which was thoughtful of them. I decided the day before that, I would try to go. (I just teared up as I began recalling that day, and all I was feeling.) When I moved here in the midst of the pandemic, I was very afraid of catching Covid, so I didn't go to any of the social events here. When the clique defamation of me began, the gossip and lies about me were absolutely awful. The rumors they started, were so shocking that I couldn't imagine how anyone claiming to be a Christian could have started that campaign against me. It hurt to see so many people here believe the things they heard, even when they had never even met me or gotten to know me for themselves. I could tell who had succumbed to the toxic tongue wagging since those people avoided me in a very obvious way. My other next-door neighbor who is in her 80s used to put her hand up beside her face in order to avoid the sight of me, and would walk by me very fast, from the moment that she moved in. It was odd and ridiculous behavior, that came from whatever pure bullcrap the 'so-called Christian' clique leader, that started this shit, on my very first day living here, had said to her, about me, when she befriended this woman. It seemed to me like she was competing with me for friends and that she was determined to do all that she could to make sure that I didn't have ANY, because I resisted her trying to control me, when I first moved here; politely, but firmly. Her smear campaign against me gave me a lot of extra crap to have to deal with, that I didn't need, and created a very steep uphill climb for me to try to make, any, real, friends, here. It was both calculated and cruel. I did try, but the spread of this malicious gossip was just too pervasive, and poisoned people against me. So, I mostly gave up, and just stayed in my house and kept to myself 99% of the time. The resident appreciation dinner this month would have been the very first event that I had ever attended here but the stress-- of trying to overcome my anxiety about it-- proved to be too much to cope with, and in the end, although, I could see, the tent, and hear, the voices, of the attendees, from my house, I stayed home, and felt sad. My eyes have tears in them now, just recalling how hard that day was for me. I had really wanted to go!

Not Crazy

They tell others that I'm crazy.

That's just another lie,

They use to shift the the focus,

And be their alibi.

These bitches have been trouble

From the very start.

Spreading ugly rumors

That really broke my heart.

It was a warm day, especially, for this time of year, and the weather was sunny. I saw some people wearing shorts! The photographs that I saw showed a beautiful banquet had been prepared. There were long tables and chairs for people, in and around the tent. It was so thoughtful of management to go to all this trouble and expense to show their appreciation of the residents here. I often don't sleep very well, anymore, for various reasons, which makes me so tired that, I am not good company to anyone then. This had also been the case for several days before the event, but the night before, I prayed, and asked God to, please, help me to get a solid night's sleep because I had decided that I would try to attend after all. That night, I slept straight through the night, which I almost never do, anymore (even  if it's just because I have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom), and I was so amazed and excited by that! I had even gone to bed early for me, as I am normally a 'night owl', and stay up quite late. God seemed to be answering all my prayers, to help me to go to this get-together for the community that I moved to, just over 3 years ago now. I was nervous, but, I was excited, too. I got up earlier than I usually do because of going to bed earlier, and I showered and shampooed my hair, and began to choose an outfit to get ready to go. But, the closer it got to the time for the event, the more my anxiety increased, until it got a little past the start time, and I was still home, really, struggling, by then, to get through, a full-on anxiety attack, at that point. (I'm starting to cry again now just thinking about it.) I could not get it under control. I was so sad, and disappointed, because I had REALLY TRIED to GO. I peeked out my front door, at that community gathering, a few times, wishing, I were there, but I just couldn't control the trauma that I felt.

The thing that got to me, that kept me from going, when it came down to it, was all of the times that I have been shunned by people here who believed the clique gossip and turned on me because of it, which causes me a lot of anxiety because  I can't stop it from happening, or defend myself, from those hateful, hurtful, lies, and things they say, to alienate me from the community. Every time, someone is open to getting to know me and will converse with me, I always feel very uneasy about someone in the clique seeing us talking together, because they go to those people, after they see us, and turn many of them against me. Because I wouldn't be able to talk to ANYONE, at the dinner, without, the clique members, who were there, seeing everyone that I would try to converse with, I just didn't try. I know what happens, when I try. So, I stayed home, so that I wouldn't have even more people hurting me, by suddenly changing toward me, 180°, because of this crap.

I just don't need the extra grief, of my trying to overcome this, huge, obstacle, to developing friendships, here, that these 50 - 80-year-old clique bitches created to alienate me from the other community members. I have seen so many, otherwise good people, turn on me, and rarely, do any of them become truly friendly toward me, again, after this happens. The clique members won. I just do not understand, how any adult, could be this vicious. I could never have done such an, evil, smear campaign to any of them. These are, senior citizens, bullying senior citizens. They did it to some others, too, who all moved away, citing that as one of their reasons for not staying in this community. But, I've been their main target, from the start. Because God blessed me with this home of my own, I'm still here trusting that He has a Plan and a Purpose for bringing me here. But, my anxiety about all this has been overwhelming at times. I was even very nearly suicidal over it, at one point.

When I started this blog, 6 years and 101 posts ago, I had such hope that things would turn out better for me than they have. It is disheartening. But, I still have so much to be truly grateful for, and I recognize that despite its persecutions and pitfalls, my life right now is immensely better than the lives of so many others on this planet. Thanksgiving, is tomorrow. I will cook a frozen turkey TV dinner, with some boxed stuffing, on the side, and it will taste good, and I will be grateful. My food is not fancy, but I am never hungry. I used to make things from scratch, for past holidays, but I am just SOOOOOOOO WEARY, right now, and I crave privacy and peace, to try to restore my soul. GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME! HE TRULY IS! I'm still in good health, live independently, have a beautiful home in a lovely location,  I watch happy Hallmark movies, every night, as I find what, female, fulfillment, I can, from watching the on-screen romances, and I still have my sense of humor! 

I still don't own a car, but I enjoy going for walks, and those are good for me. The new digital keyboard is waiting for me to try to relearn how to play piano, which I haven't done for decades, and I got myself an, adult, kick scooter as an alternate mode of transportation to my feet and my bicycle. I want to build a LEGO city as I find architecture fascinating, and I can't wait to pull out my old art supplies, and I still want to learn how to paint with watercolors. I also want to cook from scratch more than I have lately, and bake, of course. I want to put my new MP3 player in my ears, and go exploring. I still haven't seen much of this area, but from what I can tell, it's a very nice place to live. I have a bad habit of saving my good things for 'someday', but, that day, never comes. Just, another today-- that is a blessing in itself, because I am still alive, to enjoy music, and dance around, and rejoice in each breath and heartbeat that God still graces me with. I am determined to wear my 'good' clothes, and stop 'saving them'. Maybe, by wearing them, I might even catch the eye of someone new who will love me well like I've longed for and need.

It amazed me when I met someone who was finally able to dislodge Jim from my heart! He had been the one man that no one had ever been able to remove from my heart. NO ONE had EVEN COME CLOSE, before THIS man DID that-- after 40 years! I am forever grateful to him for that; but then I had to get over him, also. It was simply impossible for me to get to know this man and, not, love him, even though I did not see that coming, at all, until it hit me in the heart full force. He's not someone that I can ever be with though, and I am a realist, so I look forward to hopefully meeting the man that will be 'the third time's the charm' guy for me. I've known a lot of men in my life, but my heart has only completely loved two of  them. My second husband, Jim, who is my son's father, and this one, that got me over Jim. God gave them to other women though, so they aren't His Plan for me.  I don't know if God has someone for me. Mutual love, always seems to elude me. 

Well, I just started crying as I prepared to say this, but, it is time for me to go on with my life-- and whatever it does, or doesn't, turn out to be-- and I won't be on here, blogging, about it, because, THIS IS GOODBYE. There's just so much that I can't really write, in detail about, regarding my life here, for various reasons, and it looks like I'll need a miracle to ever get to a full 'ascent' through the dark night of the soul. Right now, and for a very long time, I have been living in the dark, in various ways, but hoping for the light. Maybe I just won't have that on this earth, but I still have the hope that I will have that, someday, in Heaven, and eternity is forever! To all of you who shared my life's journey, this far, by reading this blog, I thank you for doing that. It was comforting, motivating, and inspiring to have you alongside me as I shared tears and laughter, hurts and hopes, and so much more.
I wish you all the best, all the love, and all the light. And, always, ASCENT. - Deb

Where Things Stand, For Me, Right Now:

I chose the title of this blog post to catch you up on what's been going on in my life because I haven't been blogging for a few months, but I'm also using it as a reference to my current leg injuries, that I'm trying to recover from, for the last couple of weeks or so now. I'm frustrated by being sidelined in some ways, with that, because I was so productive lately, getting through my lengthy 'To Do List'

in a much faster and more fulfilling way, than I had been doing for quite awhile. Not blogging was one of the biggest reasons that happened because all of those hours, over several days, it, usually, takes me to write most of these posts, was freed up to use toward achieving that goal instead. Being able to focus on these other things that are also important to me was a wonderful feeling, reducing my stress more as each task was checked off my list as being "done" finally. I made some real progress but I still have more to do, that I can't do currently, because those are the very things that led to injuring both my legs. My left leg is healing much faster than the right one. I was on my knees, for prolonged periods, to do  the big project that was still on my list. It was coming together well! I was close  to finally being finished with it, until I had to stop-- for now at least-- because of both my legs swelling up from my knees all the way through both my feet. It has affected what I can do and not do to some extent although thankfully (especially since, I live alone, and must be able to be autonomous, to care for myself) I am able to bear weight on both legs, as well as sit and stand. My left leg appears to  be improving but I have had little-to-no improvement of my right leg so far. It is the more swollen of the two, and the only one with any pain, due to the injuries.

Everything about having good health has taken on much more importance to me as I have gotten older. My concerns are compounded by the fact that if I lose my ability to be independent everything else that matters most to me will be deeply, and possibly permanently, affected by that. Young people can, usually, take their good health for granted, but as we age, that often changes, significantly. When I was in my early twenties, I recall feeling so bored, because of life being so much of 'the same old same old' almost all the time. As I got older, and, also, because, so many things on this earth seem to be becoming more unstable and uncertain,  I've realized that being bored is a true luxury, which far too many people on this planet don't ever have any ability to experience in their lives, at all, due to being  in war zones, or in areas of famine, flood, or fire, and so many other really scary scenarios. I have truly been blessed, so far, to have lived for more than 68 years on earth and be in the, general, circumstances in which I've almost always found myself. Even though I've gone through some truly traumatizing things in my life, as well as some deeply heartbreaking ones, I have never had enemy tanks on my street, or missiles flying overhead my home. I have gone hungry, at times, but it was never due to an inescapable famine in the country that I live in. I have been raped, but I have never had my female parts mutilated by misogynists. As I type this, the entire planet is feeling anxious, because of so much going on that we all wish wouldn't be. Life, is so fragile, and fleeting, and precarious, and precious! It amazes and appalls me how carelessly and callously many people choose to treat this gift of life, whether their own or the lives of others. We're all just one breath, or one heartbeat, away from no longer existing on the earth, and so many things, and far too many people, can take that privilege from us, or from our loved ones. 

Even with all the blessings, that I have had, in my life, by the time I came to live here I was more than a little the worse for wear, and was feeling fairly exhausted from everything that I have been (put) through and from the impact of people on me, who-- in whatever way(s), and for whatever reason(s)-- haven't had my best interests at heart, and who probably didn't treat me the way, they, would want to be treated, if things between us had been reversed. When all of the bull crap and the heartbreak that I have been through here happened to me, on top of all that, it almost cost me my life, by being 'the final straw', breaking me. The struggle to not commit suicide was real, and it truly frightened me, because I deeply cherish the gift of life, and try hard to take care of my health and such, to, hopefully, live  a long life. That was about a year ago, that I had to struggle mightily, to not give in to those thoughts of self-destruction. I almost didn't make it through that, and  it really took a toll on me. Until I moved here, I had never really experienced the  bullying that leads people to commit suicide. When I would see news stories, and read articles, about people going through this, I used to wonder, how words from other people could cause anyone to despair of living. I couldn't imagine that. I've just gotten tears in my eyes, typing this, now, because what I am about to say is that, NOW I KNOW, because, people here, have put me through that. My eyes are filled to the brim with tears now, because of the sadness, and the anger, I feel, at being mistreated this way. They couldn't possibly have any good reason for doing this to me, but that hasn't stopped them; and these are grown adults in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80s. Their behavior deeply disgusts me. Especially when it has come from the, supposedly, 'devout' Christians, that should know better-- and, do better. The fact that they have been the 'leaders' of this movement, to disrespect, and discredit, me, has made it even more painful for me, because they know that  I am also a Christian. This community could have been something truly special for everyone here, but they, chose, to interject this toxicity into the lives of residents here, and it can't be undone now. The damage has been done. Not only to me but to others they targeted as well-- some of whom moved away to escape it and how bad it made them feel. Others moved away who weren't targeted, but didn't like it being such a prominent part of life here, and its effect on the, social, atmosphere.

I just looked at myself in the mirror, and I look, tired, pale, and, noticeably, older, than when I moved here full of excitement at, finally, having this miracle happen, for me, of owning my own home. From my very first day here, the main leader of the clique, also the main instigator, of people treating me badly, from, ostracizing me, to defaming me by outright lies, has disrupted and destroyed my privacy and my peace. It can never be undone-- all the damage that has caused to my life, in this community, by affecting and undermining my initial opportunities for healthy, happy, relationships, with the residents, and staff-- causing me to continually feel ill-at-ease and uncertain, as to what the people that I am interacting with actually believe about me, from all the gossip and untruths told about me, by these clique members, and others, as it spread. I am deeply angry about it. There is no way I will ever choose to be friends with these people who have done this to me. It told me all I need or want to know about their own character. After receiving advice to practice 'Radical Acceptance'* of them, though, for my own sake, I recently began trying to at least act 'neighborly' when I encounter them by being willing to speak to them as I pass by. It is one of the hardest things I have ever even attempted. I don't like them!-- for how they treated me-- and I don't trust them enough to feel safe being vulnerable, around, or with, them.  My main coping mechanism for how I deal with people who mistreat me has always been to, shut down, and withdraw.

I honestly didn't think that I could even attempt to 'accept' these people. This is a very small community though that seems to very often be mainly fueled by gossip

wearing the more pious mask of concern. Maybe, I am just being cynical, to put it that way, but my instincts say that I am right about this-- especially regarding the clique members-- because, if I weren't, how does one explain how these Christian people (that many, but not all, of the clique claim to be) never showed me a bit of 'godly' concern, while they were defaming me, to anyone and everyone they tried to recruit into the clique, against me? Especially the 'leaders', who knew that I am a Christian 'sister in the Lord', and that I had chosen to show them grace and care even after they started disrespecting me, in the beginning, to demonstrate that to them. What they said about me was so over-the-top, and so hateful, that the time came when my normal reaction, to such treatment, to just avoid them, altogether, as much as possible, became how I coped. I disliked them, to the point that, even the sight of them, filled me with resentment, rage, and other unhealthy emotions, boiling inside of me, continually. It was affecting my health, and well-being, while they lived their lives happily because this wasn't being done to them but by them. For my own sake, I had to try to accept that this is who these people are. I'm not even the only resident that they did this type of crap to. I'm just the main target.

Because it is not based on my liking these people (because I don't) but on simply accepting that, they are who they are, and it is what it is, I had to, really, grapple with making the conscious choice to even say "Hi" to them. It took everything, in me, but I did start doing that, this past week. Someone who knew I considered it asked me if I felt better, now that I had started to at least be social, toward them, and I replied, no, I do not feel any better. Only my outward behavior changed. Not my feelings about, all, the ways and times, throughout, my years living here, they have openly shown me disrespect and even outright hostility. They made a choice. There are consequences, for choices that we make in this life. Including, for them.

 

The only thing concerning me, about my being willing to treat them civilly, now, is that they will misperceive my actions, as somehow accepting that, what they have done, is 'okay' with me, when nothing could be further from the truth. I choose to try to be nice toward almost everyone, as much as possible, but unfortunately, it's often taken as 'weakness' or 'stupidity' by people that can't comprehend the great strength (including strength of character) that it takes for me to do that, at times.

So, that is something new that I am trying (without, much desire, or enthusiasm) to accomplish-- for my own sake. Disliking them, as much as I do, was eating me up inside. My focus, and concern, are for my own health and well-being. If God is going to accomplish anything else, in this situation, He is going to have to do it. I acknowledge that He can; especially, since my change in behavior has opened up  a door, for Him to work through. But, I can tell you, it would take, a true miracle!

Some significant things, have happened to me, here, which I consider to be true miracles. God finally blessed me with a home of my very own-- which was, truly, impossible, when I started crying out to Him about my needing this, for my soul.  But, I saw the circumstances, and timing, coming together, in such a way that, it could only be Him bringing this to be. That fact has comforted me a lot, including as I struggled with being suicidal last Spring. While I have often felt undermined, by all the gossip here, I cling, tenaciously, to what I know to be true and of good report**, from the Lord, who is, Himself, Truth. Romans 8:28 is the banner Bible verse over me: "And we know that  God causes everything  to work together  for the  good  of  those  who  love  God  and  are called according to His purpose for them." (NLT) While I see some of the miracles that He has done for me, with my own eyes, others are things that He has done in my heart. That shows me that I can have my heart changed, by Him,-- including, how I feel toward people, if He so chooses. It is not always possible to fathom all the ways, and means, that are the catalysts for change in our lives. Some seem sent by God, but, others, more like some Special Delivery from the Devil himself. In the end, though, God is the one who causes everything to work together for our good-- even the things that, seem to us to be, so bad, especially as we are in the midst of experiencing them.

I have often cried out to God for a 'special someone', to love, and be loved by, in my life. That still has never come together for me, but there are times that I feel that, all things considered, where men are concerned, God is trying to spare me, from, more, of the aggravation, and angst, that men seem to bring into my life. I have such a deep capacity for love. Most, humans, never get to see that, though, because they usually don't inspire, or awaken that, in my heart. I have learned to be very circumspect, and cautious, where other human beings are concerned, due to being handled so carelessly and coldly by so many of them, throughout my life.

I have been significantly let down (an understatement!) by so many people, in so  many ways. I am generally extremely wary of other human beings, which, makes it very difficult for one of them to get into my heart. That is a sacred space, to be sure. Very few people have been able to do it, and probably have no idea, what a compliment, that is, to them, when they do. I've dated countless men. I was also married, several, times, before I, finally, realized, in my thirties, that I do not like marriage, and I have stayed single ever since. Yet there have only been two men  in my entire life, so far, who completely captured my heart. The tragedy of that is neither one of them even wanted it. As I stare at that sentence, I shake my head, trying to make sense of that. The odds should have been in my favor, that, out of all the men, I have known in my life, ONE, would have been my soul mate. When  I was working as a dancer I talked to thousands of men in those nightclubs, and I even married two of them from there, but I didn't really love either one of them. I just tried (and failed) to make the best of a bad situation. The first man that ever actually captured my heart (and then threw it back) was my second husband Jim; my son's father. My heart was solidly stuck on him. I couldn't get over loving him, no matter how hard I tried. In the meantime, he married a wonderful woman, as his second wife, and they've had a very good marriage, together, all these years. 

The only other man, that my heart ever truly loved, was not even trying to get in my heart, and I don't think that either one of us saw that coming, or were happy about it, at all. All I got was the worst heartbreak of my life, and the unexpected gift that, he was able to finally bump Jim out of where he had been lodged in my heart without budging for so many years. That, amazed me, because no one had ever been anywhere near able to do that, and this man did it without trying to! I suffered, enormously, trying to get over the man, that 'cured me' of loving Jim. I  was finally able to kill the butterflies and stop the weak knees he caused, and get free of the torment of that, by allowing myself to feel the anger, in me, at how he disrespected me and humiliated me as his way of reacting to the unwelcome and unwanted feelings that I had for him. He was an expert exterminator of my love. My heart's finally free of deeply loving any man now, which I consider to be a gift to me, because I am fully open to finding my person now, if God made a man for me. Maybe that old expression, "The third time's the charm", will be true for me, where love is concerned! I, finally, feel excited, about the possibilities, instead of feeling stuck loving either one of the two men that, for their own reasons, didn't want me. This is one of the main reasons that I stopped blogging, the end of last year, until I resumed it, now. Sitting here writing this is not getting me outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and isn't helping me meet someone who might be my soul mate, before I run out of time to ever have them in my life if I do find them. 

Right before I decided to attempt the 'Radical Acceptance' regarding my situation here, I felt the toxic impact of living surrounded by clique members so strongly, I didn't think it would be good for my holistic health to continue to live like this. For a very brief moment in time, I seriously leaned toward leaving, but God reminded me what He did for me, to bring me here, and give me my home, and that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), which is what I've been up against here, because, it IS such a GREAT BLESSING, from GOD, for me. Acts 2:28 (NLT) says, "You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence." I have often told God that, I trust Him, because, I can take Him at His Word. He DID bring me here, and He DID give me my home, that brings me such joy every day. I just have to keep on trusting Him, to work out all the other stuff.

I am trying to get past all that. I would so much rather have a positive report, to share with you, such as the 'Radical Acceptance' bringing something about that's better for us all. This could be such a great place, for ALL of us to be, if this kind  of petty crap was stopped, once and for all, and everyone made a genuine effort  to behave better toward one another. God does miracles, so there's always hope! 

I have been delayed in getting the last few things of my 'To Do List' done, while I try to heal my two legs. Since, working on those projects led to these injuries, in the first place, I don't think I should do anymore of them, unless and until all the swelling and tenderness goes down. This frustrating setback is keeping me home right now, preventing my getting out there to meet new people beyond this small community which, I hope, will lead to my, finally, finding true love, at some point! If you pray, please pray for my health and healing, and that I find the RIGHT guy to CAPTURE MY HEART, next time I fall in love. When I pray about it, I tell God, I  hope, whoever he is, will have similar attributes to the only two men I have ever truly loved, but maybe not the same faults (even though everybody has some). I  did not feel respected by either one of the men I loved, and that is a pet peeve of mine. At the very least, I hope the man for me will love music, love to dance, and make me laugh! I also hope they will be honest with me because I hate being lied to. I don't see how anyone can truly love someone that doesn't respect them, and that is not honest with them. Sexual attraction, however strong, only goes so far.

If this healing of my legs takes a long time, I might not have much of anything to  share with you here next month, because of being so curtailed and constrained by it. It is so frustrating, because I truly thought I would already be totally done with the long 'To Do List', finally, and fixing myself up, and getting out of the house, to go explore, and enjoy some of my hobbies such as photography and drawing, and hopefully meet some fun people to become friends with, and maybe my Mr. Right!

(If I do meet 'my guy', there are going to be some, private, things that I won't be sharing, here, of course, because I don't want him to resent my being a blogger!)   

* Radical Acceptance: "At its most basic, radical acceptance is a practice that involves accepting emotions, thoughts and circumstances that are unchangeable and out of your control. To radically accept means to completely recognize and accept the reality you’re in—even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Regularly practicing radical acceptance can help us cope with painful emotions so we can move on or even come up with a plan to make an uncomfortable situation better." - Nicole McDermott https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-radical-acceptance/#:~:text=At%20its%20most%20basic%2C%20radical,reality%20includes%20pain%20or%20discomfort.

** "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4:8 (King James Bible)

I'm Torn Between Showing Grace Or Fury

As a Christian I am called to forgive others. The Bible even 'strongly encourages' that I do that, by saying, "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:15 NIV) God knows (literally!) that I have committed my share of sins. That being said though, I think that everyone tends to give more weight to the transgressions of others, while 'grading' their own 'on the curve', so to speak. We can explain our own, justifying them, to ourselves at least. The fact remains, however, that the Bible also says, in Romans 3:23 (NIV), "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". Every person on the planet is  a sinner, whether we acknowledge, or admit, that, or not. The human 'disease' of being infected by Original Sin and then becoming further tainted by our own sins causes a depravity in our souls that causes us not to care, or not to care enough,  if we sin, which almost always affects other people, besides making our own lives worse in some ways. Sin can infect a rational mind and make it have crazy ideas. 

I empathize with the Apostle Paul who wrote of this very struggle (Romans 7:18), "I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." (ESV) I truly love the Lord, however it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to forgive, or even WANT to forgive, the sins that others have done toward me (either by commission or omission), which have hurt me deeply, damaged me, traumatized me, scarred me, broken me and alot of other things which have left me 'the worse for wear' (an understatement).

I am caught between the fury I feel toward them for hurting me when I don't feel that I deserved that from them and the grace God calls me to extend to them, in spite of their wronging me, even in some extreme ways. My default position is to cut these people out of my life. It has, finally, dawned on me, late in life, that if I throw everyone who is a sinner out of my life to (try to) prevent their causing me more pain than they already have, there won't be anybody left at all, to have any relationship with! To (try to) spare myself more heartbreak at the hands of these people, I have become more and more isolated in life. Humans, are social beings. Therefore, despite, protecting myself from more pain, I am not living my best life.

To my credit (because of all I've been put through by people in my life), I usually 

do try to extend grace instead of unleashing my fury on them for wronging me in some way. Rather than this making the relationships better, when I do this (as a, generous, gift, to them) it seems to somehow cause them to think that I am just passively accepting their bad behaviors, toward me, when that is not the case, at all. The advice to 'be the bigger person' has never worked well, for me. It causes people to think that, I am a pushover, a weak person, with no boundaries for the way that I will allow others to behave toward me (due to my having self respect).

I seem to often end up getting taken advantage of, mistreated even more, looked down on, thought of as stupid, and disrespected, when I 'turn the other cheek' to people who are not treating me well. It also has not helped when I have used the coping and communication tools that counselors have advised me to do, over the years, either. One example among many is the breakdown in the relationship with my sister. Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: 'Bossy Bitch' is NOT a LOVE LANGUAGE. is my blog post about her. There is much more I could say about how she chose to treat me over the years. Because she had been my favorite family member, as we grew up, I had hoped she would not get sucked into all of the family dysfunction, that had cast me as family 'scapegoat' because I was the one who wanted us all to be honest about the toxic behaviors going on in that house. I knew it was damaging to me, in some profound ways, and I had felt protective toward her, as well, because of it; until she sadly started to show signs of ostracizing me too. It is the scapegoat who is isolated in this toxic family scene.

I could have been bitter about how I was treated by these people who were family by blood, but when I finally went No Contact and stayed that way, for 15 years, to try to protect myself from the damaging, and destructive, ways that I was treated by them, I still replied to her email that came out of the blue, after all that time. I could not help but notice that she had, clearly, had my email address all along but had not used it to communicate with me, until she needed my help, now. She was telling me in it that our mother was injured and ill, after a fall, and soon after that email, from her, came the one saying that, our mother had passed away. She, was the executor, of our mother's will, and over the next many months she needed my full cooperation to accomplish all of the things that were required in the settling of our mother's estate. I graciously provided that support for, and assistance to, her, the whole way through, to the best of my ability, considering that, Covid was new on the scene, the world over, and I was terrified of it. I even moved, much closer, to the family, after that, but I felt that the only relationship with my relatives that showed any promise was with her. She helped, to get the truck unloaded, but was quite surprisingly, to me, extremely bossy toward me immediately afterward; in a very loud voice, outdoors, in earshot of the other residents of this community that I had just moved halfway across the country to live in. It was not any 'older sister syndrome', because I am the oldest daughter, and she is the youngest member of the family and about 6 years younger than I am. She is a Scorpio though, which I believe explains some of it, although that doesn't excuse it. Somewhere along the way she began to, also, have the, narcissistic, traits of our mother. Narcissists are extremely dangerous for my well-being. They are the ONE THING on the planet, I have learned the hard way, can, absolutely, dangerously, DECIMATE me. In effect they are my kryptonite (something that can seriously weaken or harm someone). 

When counselors gave me advice, about how to deal with difficult people that are even, potentially, deadly, for me to deal with, in some situations, because of their extremely negative impact on my mental, emotional, and even physical health, it apparently did not take into account that the person, or persons, that I would use that advice on, would not simply comply with it, because I hoped to have a better relationship with them without me being victimized, by their dysfunction (or, sin).  I was told that setting strong boundaries with people by my communicating how I will or will not allow them to behave toward me would create happier relationships for me. At the very least, healthier ones. I do not want dysfunctional, destructive, relationships with anyone! It is clear we have no control over how people treat us or react to us, however, which leaves me with the dilemma of how to have happy relationships with people, if they are set on treating me disrespectfully, and such.

When I seem to be left with no choice but to end relationships with others who by their own choosing are not treating me well I don't see any way to prevent a total cessation of the interactions between us, that are causing me damage or distress. I am showing self-respect by standing my ground in the face of such treatment. I was blindsided and, totally, taken aback, when my sister Pam, suddenly, began to act that way, toward me, out of nowhere. I was both horrified and hurt. I kept my own voice even, though, as I said to her, in a very firm, and direct, way, "DO NOT DISRESPECT ME. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT." When she returned for a second visit to my new home 3 weeks later she was not here for more than a few minutes before I sensed that, she had come in already having an attitude, of hostility, toward me.

Not long after that she stood up, and screamed at me, before leaving my home in a huff, because she wasn't happy that I was describing to her how, unfortunately, right I had been, about the nosey neighbor down the street, who, ruined, my first week in my new community, by trying to boss me around, from my first day here. That woman, was so oppressively overbearing that she singlehandedly caused me to think that I had made a huge mistake moving here, which left me in tears, as I struggled to feel excited and happy about this move despite how horrible she was.

My sister had noted herself, the day that I moved in, how frequently this neighbor interfered with her unloading the truck even though it had no direct impact on her own home or property, which was down the street, and on the other side. She had nevertheless advised me not to assert my rightful boundaries, with this person, in order to 'go along, to get along' with her, which went against everything, years, of counseling, had taught me to do in such a situation. That advice did nothing at all to prevent this overbearing stranger from making my life miserable, from my first day here. I truly feel that, some situations cannot be reconciled or redeemed with other people because of how they have chosen to act in regard to me. Seeing that my sister's advice only encouraged this woman to become completely invasive, in my private life, which was unacceptable to me, I chose to go with the counselors' advice, to politely, but firmly, state clear boundaries which worked better for what I needed my life to be like, in order for it to be, as healthy and happy as possible.

That did not work with this woman, at all, either, because even when she actually acknowledged to me that she knew she was invading my space too much, she did not seem to have the self control to stop herself, from doing that, to me. She is a very controlling person. That trait in people seems to be their 'Go To' behavior, to bolster their own self-esteem, but that is at the expense of others like me who do not want or need them bossing us around. I'm in my SIXTIES and I don't need it!

  

I think it touched a nerve in my sister because of her being so bossy herself but it did not justify her creating, two, over-the-top, scenes, in her only two visits to my new home. She left me with no choice but to back away again, from a relationship with her, because I had drawn a counselor-advised 'line in the sand' clearly stating to her that she must not show me disrespect, in a relationship with me, and in my own home. When I stated that, very clearly, during her first visit, yet, she CHOSE, to treat me that way again, the only path forward for us would have had to be her changing her ways and making amends for that bad behavior, which she didn't do.

 

I had wanted us to have a, mutually, enjoyable relationship, with one another. But I was not going to be mistreated by her (or, anyone else), and still be expected to maintain a relationship with them, when they chose to, repeatedly, disrespect me. I had made my position perfectly clear, to her, and she 'acted out' in defiance of it.

No other outcome would have been possible, based on how she chose to treat me.

 

That doesn't mean that I don't love my sister, because I do. It also doesn't mean I do not mourn what, I had hoped, we could build together, as our relationship, that we could and would BOTH enjoy. I had measured the guest room of my new home to make sure that, a new, comfortable, bed, that I bought, would fit the space, for both her and my brother-in-law to come often, and enjoy as a second home away from home. I had referred to it as 'her room'. I daydreamed about decorating the Christmas tree, together, each Holiday Season, and making homemade soup, and cookies, for their arrival. All that was shattered when my sister chose to make me feel like I had to walk on eggs IN MY OWN HOME, and MADE ME CRINGE, because of her sudden and uncalled for outbursts that were clearly meant to get me to 'fall in line' with whatever her wishes were in order to allow her to exercise COMPLETE CONTROL of the situation and narrative. It was neither healthy nor happy, for me.

So, how do I 'turn the other cheek', and show grace to people, when my doing so seems to give them permission (in their minds) to mistreat me, with a willfulness that is at my expense? Not many people have ever seen the extent of my temper, but when I have had it with peoples' shit and decide there is nothing to be gained by 'stuffing' my anger, anymore, and I unleash it for them to see, some have said that it truly shocked (and, at times, even scared) them, because, I am so benign-seeming, for the most part. I do prefer to be respectful toward others, but I don't always get that treatment in return. I, usually, stay calm in my interactions, even then, but when someone takes that as being permission to openly disrespect me,  I start to feel a, smoldering, and sometimes, even seething, fury, within me, that can finally, openly, manifest itself if I get pushed too hard, or too far, to hold it in, anymore. It is a frustrating fact for me that, people seem to take my niceness for weakness. That is a BIG MISCALCULATION on their part. I'm capable of becoming as cold as ice, toward someone, if they take advantage of my, usual, good nature and my, normally, gentle spirit. I'm caring and supportive, but I am also nobody's doormat, and I start to seethe with rage whenever anybody tries to harm me, my well-being, my reputation, or my relationships. There is no excuse, for that. I end up, paying the price, for that, and I didn't deserve to be treated that way at all. If people are being honest with themselves, they know that I haven't done anything to deserve to be mistreated, or disrespected, by them, because I, sincerely, try to treat people well, or at the very least, respectfully; unless or until, they give me a good reason not to. Even then, I, typically, just try to avoid them, at all costs, if at all possible, rather than continue to be exposed to their bad behaviors toward me. I wish no one any harm but I also, definitely, do not want them harming me at all.

For me, this often means dismissing the people, from my life, who insult my soul.

I seem to always get the blame, for others' bad behavior, some way, or other. It is no wonder that human beings are the least enjoyable aspect of my life on earth. I would rather do almost anything than have to interact with another person, alot of the time. It is often so anxiety-producing for me, because I am always anticipating 'the other shoe to drop', or 'the shit to hit the fan' because I chose to optimistically open myself up to risk a relationship, of any kind, with another person. Interacting with other people has often been a huge disappointment, for me. They seem to be draining, to deal with, instead of, a source of nurturance, for my soul. Due to that, I live my life, mostly, isolated, trying to, cut my losses, and heal my wounds, from my encounters with other human beings. They, almost never, leave me, better off, than I was before I took what feels like a HUGE RISK, to me, to open myself up to them. The risk-reward, of my doing this, has not encouraged me to do much of it.

I have to 'feel up to' dealing with other people, to even, try it, at this point. They tend to leave me in worse shape, than I was before I interacted with them, as in, more anxious, more hurt, more traumatized, more angry.... Not everyone puts a detrimental dent in my soul, but so many have, over the course of my life, that I am way past 'gun shy', at this point. Sadly, I assume, from the outset, that most people are going to be some sort of PROBLEM for me, if I OPEN UP TO THEM, and it usually turns out to be that way, sooner or later. I RARELY have relationships, I feel 'SAFE' in; as in, I can fully trust the other person, enough, to really let down my guard with them. The few people, I DO have this with, are so precious to me! 

I know that what I am saying here can make it seem that I simply want to justify my not showing people grace, but I truly do start out showing grace to people, in almost every situation or circumstance, because I actually have a strong aversion to any conflict or confrontation with other people. That being said, I draw the line without hesitation, if, or when, they begin to mistreat me; to put a stop to that. I tend to simply avoid them altogether at that point, though, rather than engage in some scene, that I feel will not help things, and worse, may provoke me to finally lose my temper at them, if only because of my 'righteous indignation' at the ways they are either misunderstanding or misinterpreting my actions; and are doing so in such a way that it doesn't really reflect the truth of the matter or my heart in it.

When they ascribe certain actions or behaviors to me that I am not even doing, to blame me for the situation, it not only frustrates me, it angers me. Sometimes it's to deflect the blame from themselves, also, which adds insult to injury. When they gossip about me, spreading these inaccuracies and slanted stories about me, I get even more upset about it. These types of things have happened to me ALOT, since I moved here. It is such a gossipy environment. The facts, and truth, have little to do with it, as far as the things said about me have gone. Yet I have had to pay the price for people automatically assuming that these things are all accurate, as they spread it themselves, rather than even ask me directly about any of it. It defames my character, damaging my reputation, in ways that I do not deserve. Throughout this ongoing ordeal, my only consolation has been that, GOD KNOWS THE TRUTH. I am a sinner; and I am definitely not a perfect person (nor are ANY of the people saying all these things about me, who are also-- ALL-- sinners-- a fact, that hasn't escaped my attention as I cry out to God about how unfairly I have been treated).

There have been so many twists and turns in things here, for me. I didn't see any of it coming, when I pulled up in my rented moving truck and started my new life here. I naively assumed, this would be a very, mutually, supportive, environment. I truly thought that people would be glad that we are all, unique, individuals, and even celebrate that fact, because, it would, add interest, to the social mix. I think that being 'copycat' clones of one another would be so boring and restrictive. But, that seems to be exactly what the people, who created the clique here, want this place to be like. I don't want anything to do with such a petty mindset and group.

Many of them surround me on my street, unfortunately. It causes a 'catty' feel to the community, that I think hurts how happy of a home it could be for every one of us-- including the clique members. Since I am a Christian, and they know this, about me, I think it's especially egregious that the leaders who created the clique also claim to be 'Christians'. Where is JESUS in ANY of THAT? Someone started a Bible study here, and I want nothing to do with it, because of the involvement of these people. I could never feel comfortable being around people who have done such ugly things to me, and for no reason. There's been ALOT of pointing fingers at MY supposed sins, here, and often by people whom I, not only, have not done anything to, but have been victimized by, myself, by their, spreading gossip, and lies, about me. I know if this was reversed they would not want me to have done any such thing to them. This sad and stressful situation comes from the fact that the people decide they can treat me however badly they want to, and for no real reason, because I chose to 'turn the other cheek' (Matthew 5:39) and show them grace (which is, UNMERITED FAVOR), when they have treated me so hurtfully. So many times, as I passed by the house of one of the main creators of the clique, I greeted her politely as I kept on walking while all the while knowing that she was telling people here not to be friends with me but to just 'cut me off', because she didn't like me. (The only thing she can really dislike me for is my not allowing her to control me, which is what she tried to do from my first day living here, since it is the same woman who was, repeatedly, bothering us about where my truck was parked to be unloaded when I moved here; which just happened to be where the OWNER OF THE COMMUNITY had parked it for me, because HE THOUGHT IT WAS BEST THERE.) I had people here sign a birthday card, for her, and I stayed silent, so many times, while she sniped at me with mean-spirited comments when I was just walking by, to take my trash to the dumpster or get my mail. I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, NOT BOTHERING HER, but SHE saw fit to treat ME that way.

Another, 'Christian', here, that pointed fingers at my supposed sins, once told me about his pastor and church, and gave me the information to view the link online.  I actually did that because at the time I admired his faith and had no idea that he was one of the main ones cooperating with the clique leaders to spread rumors. I eventually found out about that and it explained alot that just hadn't added up to me before. It is a very hard situation to try to explain here, though, both because it is deeply hurtful and very complicated. I just felt tears start forming in my eyes at the mere thought of reliving the TRAUMA of this series of events in order to try to describe it, now. It got so bad for me that, at one point, I came close to suicide over it all, which truly scared me. I was 98% leaning toward suicide, and only the grace of God, and one friend here who still seems to believe in me and my having a good heart despite the things that, I am sure, she has also been told about me, kept that from happening. Because I am someone who does not go around trying to hurt anybody, and because I am a very 'live and let live' type of person, who is very accepting of other people being unique individuals, the brutal browbeatings I have endured here for simply being me and doing the best I can with what I have been handed here to have to deal with have been very hard on me. In John 10:10 the Bible says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." God Himself, has always been my greatest blessing, because, He is Truth and Love and Mercy and Grace. After Him, my beloved cockatiel, CeeBee, was my second greatest blessing, in this life. He is in Heaven now, since the summer of 2011, and someday, when it is God's timing,  I shall be with him again, forever. My third greatest blessing, I have EVER had, in my entire life, is THIS HOME. God did a MIRACLE to make this IMPOSSIBLE thing POSSIBLE for ME, and I still cannot fully comprehend that IT IS REALLY MINE and that God DID this, to BLESS ME with one of the DEEPEST DESIRES OF MY HEART. (The other desire of my heart has been to be deeply, truly, loved, by a good man, at some point, so I can finally know what BEING LOVED 'WELL' actually feels like.)

Because this home brings me SO MUCH JOY and is SUCH A BLESSING (because I have NEVER HAD MY OWN HOME before this, and it did not happen until my mid-60s) it makes sense that, Satan would come after it, with a vengeance, to create despair and hopelessness in my heart. I expect that from this enemy. What I was NOT expecting was how he would do MOST of his work through the CHRISTIANS.

The man that told me to watch the services from his church online gossiped about me and spread some rumors that were some of the worst defamations of me. One of the other men here, that he talked to about me, began to treat me really badly after inviting me over to his house one day. We stayed outside on the front porch, but he was very drunk and kept pulling his penis out of his shorts while telling me to touch it. I can't go into all the details, that led up to, him treating me that way. It felt really bad, to me, though, and truly traumatized me, even though, I did not leave. I just kept showing him the grace that, so many, here, have not shown me. Despite how badly he and others have treated me here, they always treat me like  I am worse than them by far. I wonder what God will have to say to them about it. He isn't going to let them get away with that, when they are standing before Him.

My computer is old and tired, and has been crashing again and again and again all day, and at this point, I just need to finish this post and hit 'publish' while it is still able to do so. There is still SO MUCH that I HAVEN'T SPOKEN ABOUT HERE. Some of it is just too private to me, and some is just too painful to me. You may wonder why I did not just get up and leave that hot afternoon when this drunk neighbor, I was visiting, treated me that way. There are several reasons for that, but mainly I was just so despondent and demoralized, by then, that I did not feel like, anyone, here would treat me any better; so maybe that's all I deserved. I was emotionally 'punch drunk', from, all the blows, to my self-esteem, by people here, by then. It really affected me, deeply. This man even tried to, force, my head down, onto his penis, at one point, saying to me, "Suck it. Just suck on it." It was so deeply sad, to me, that a neighbor I had never mistreated thought I deserved that, from him. I often show people so much more grace than they show me, while I stuff alot of fury down inside me from the injustice and unrighteousness of it all. It hurts alot. 

I wish him no harm and have prayed for him to recover from health issues he has had to deal with. But, I have not tried to socialize with him in any way since then, nor would I, after he treated me that badly. He seems oblivious to the fact that, I was seriously traumatized by his behavior toward me that day, and appears to be either clueless or totally insensitive to the fact that I really would rather not have any interactions with him, after that humiliating and hurtful ordeal. When, I have been outside walking, he has spoken to me, on a couple of occasions, since then. He has NEVER APOLOGIZED, but speaks with me as if NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. 

I feel very stressed when he engages me in conversation, of course, because I do not wish to be spoken to in the manner that he did on that awful day, ever again.  I cringe when he converses with me, because I am still very reactive, in my soul, to him traumatizing me in that way. I feel it was sexual harassment, if not sexual assault. I am someone who prefers to 'live and let live'; doing my best, to accept people as they are. But, when they manifest their character in such a way that, it victimizes me, in some way, I draw the line. I have shown this man great grace. I would really prefer that he not try to force me to talk to him though as I tense up terribly when I even set eyes on him now. My mind, and emotions, go back to the day that he thought treating me like that was alright. The first time that he spoke to me, after the incident on his front porch, was when I was coming home from a walk in Nature which is usually very relaxing for me. Standing on his porch, which I consider 'the scene of the crime', against me, by him, he called out to me, and I stopped but I did not leave the road or go any closer to where he was. He actually said that 'I should come visit him again sometime' as I cringed at his cluelessness

and felt my blood pressure going up, from a combination of both fear and anger. I thought to myself as he said that to me that 'That will never happen' as I went on my way. Even so I showed him grace on that day. The only other day he talked to me I was walking along the street to take my trash to the dumpster and he pulled up beside me in his car. I immediately felt a strong 'fight or flight' response to this and my body tensed up. Other neighbors were outside, in their yards, and he had just been talking with one of the other men that live here, before he saw me, and began to drive his car alongside me as I walked (trying my best to get away from him). He offered to take my trash to the dumpster which was in sight of me, and I didn't need or want his help, or anything else from him, except to leave me alone.

 

I nevertheless showed him grace as I curtly responded that I didn't need that and I kept on walking. He continued driving alongside me, though, refusing, to accept my response, which traumatized me then because my mind went back to the day on his porch when I kept saying I did not want to touch or suck his, pulled-out-of-his-pants, though flaccid, penis, when he kept pressing, and pressuring, me to do so. I tried to walk faster, and my voice rose from fear, and repulsion, as I said in a tone that was clearly agitated, now, "I DO NOT NEED, your HELP, to take my trash out." One of the neighbors looked at me, with an expression that indicated to me I was being seen as behaving RUDELY TO THIS MAN, now, for the (unnecessarily, in THEIR mind) SHARP TONE my voice had taken on toward him. After all, they likely reasoned to themselves that, HE was ONLY TRYING TO HELP. He, was ONLY BEING 'NICE', when in reality, I was actually the one who was TRULY SHOWING GRACE. I could not stop, in this situation, and 'set the record straight', to this onlooker, who was glancing at me now with a critical eye toward my, perceived, mistreatment, of this man. I have had to endure this type of assumption, about my actual character and disposition, frequently, here, as people observe situations I am involved in, or interacting in, and they take, how I am behaving, out of context, because, they do not know all the facts. That's never stopped them, from passing harsh judgments, on me, however. It is extremely frustrating, to me! Even after, I spoke to this man in a much more annoyed tone of voice, the second time, he pressed me, to accept his help (that I clearly did not need or want) to take my trash out, he continued to drive alongside me, even as I was now mere feet from the dumpster, saying that I should let him help me. At that point, my voice grew loud as I emphatically said to him, for THE THIRD TIME IN A ROW that, 'I DID NOT NEED HIS HELP!' A man who lives near the dumpster was out in his yard and witnessed this exchange between me and this other neighbor (who had truly traumatized me and left me with some emotional scars, besides causing me great anxiety NOW, since he was AGAIN NOT ACCEPTING MY SAYING "NO!", to him, in YET ANOTHER INTERACTION, BETWEEN US). I couldn't tell what he was thinking about what he thought he was witnessing but by this point in the prolonged interaction, I was feeling and sounding stressed, and upset at this man. I wasn't able to hide my annoyance and agitation anymore.

As the man, finally, started to drive away, when I was at the dumpster, he said, to me, in a surly tone of voice that showed he was not happy with my reaction to his offer or persistence, "I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU!" The onlookers could not possibly have known, or likely even understood (since, they were also men), what this, innocuous-seeming, exchange was actually putting me through, as a woman. Despite my fears and feelings about my being forced to deal with this man, again, which I have NO desire to do, I had actually TRIED VERY HARD to be, as pleasant as possible, toward him, and I was definitely extending ALOT of grace toward him.

I have written poems my whole life. I even have a poem I wrote when I was just  8 years old! I write them when my heart is full of some strong emotion, whether that is good or bad, happy or sad. I wrote the following one September 20, 2020 before the miracle of, finally, owning my own home happened for me! It sums up the despair I have often felt about how my life has gone so far and how worn out  I am from the discouraging and exhausting relentlessness of it all. I wasn't trying to step on Pink Floyd's toes with the title of it. It just reflected what I was feeling.

The Dark Side Of The Moon


Some people are living their dream,

Others are living their nightmare.

I'm somewhere in-between,

But closer to the dark side of the moon.

Chased that carrot around the track

Meant to motivate; can't be caught.

I chased that tease to hell and back,

While I starved, on the dark side of the moon.

The dark is colder than the light.

Feels like there's no one here but me.

My heart's burned out, from 'fight or flight'.

I'm worn out, by the dark side of the moon.

I've just 'survived' for so damn long.

I thought I'd, finally, get to live.

My dreams have died; my hope is gone,

From too long, on the dark side of the moon.

Death is dancing, all around me.

What a mocker, torment is.

I don't possess the needed key,

To escape from the dark side of the moon.

What's the answer? I don't have it.

But this will never feel like home.

My soul was not designed to fit

A life lived on the dark side of the moon.

My hope lies in God's Hands alone.

My feeble voice cries out, to Him,

Then turns into a woeful moan.

I'm stuck here, on the dark side of the moon.

- Deborah Gayle Robinson 

[NOTE: I do intend to share many more of my poems, here in my blog, at some point, but I have been extremely busy lately, so I just didn't have the time to do that this month, more than the one, above, that I shared. I have not forgotten.]

Needless to say, God's giving me this home was a really big deal, for me. A series of miracles, along with God's grace, made this possible for me! That fact, and the gratitude, I feel-- every day-- to Him, for this, great blessing, in my life, helps me to hang on through the, truly awful, ways I have been treated here at times. This home brings me such joy. When I had given up hope, God did this miracle for me.

It is just a shame that, in direct opposition to God doing this amazing thing in my life, Satan has continually done everything he can, often, through the 'Christians', here, to try to ruin it for me. If I did not have absolute trust in God I do not think that I could have, or would have, survived some of these things traumatizing me.

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When people tell you who they are, Maya Angelou famously advised, believe them. Just as importantly, however, when people try to tell you who you are, don't believe them. You are the only custodian of your own integrity, and the assumptions made by those that misunderstand who you are and what you stand for reveal a great deal about them and absolutely nothing about you.                                                                                                                    - Maria Popova

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It is hard to know where to start to unravel these things that I will try to describe, that I have gone through in the years since I was led here by the Lord. Despite all these things, I still believe that God has a plan and a purpose for me moving here and I look forward to the revelation, and the fulfillment, of that, at some point. As I wait for that to happen, I 'trust in the Lord with all my heart, and do not lean on my own understanding. In all my ways, I acknowledge Him, and I believe that, in time, He will straighten things out', in ways that only He can, as scripture, directs me, to do, in Proverbs 3: 5 & 6. I have shown everyone that I've described in this post so much grace, but there are also times that I felt fury, at them, for trashing my reputation to make themselves look like they were better people than me and acting 'holier than thou', which is pure hypocrisy on their part. I don't wish any of them any harm, even though they have harmed me. God is the Judge of each one of us, so I leave it to Him to deal with them, including on my behalf, in His timing.

When I first came here, I was devastated to learn that my newly built home had a mold issue in it that actually caused me a, life threatening, allergic reaction within the first 24 hours that I moved into it. As hideous as it is, I am about to show you a photograph of me from that, frightening, first day, when my face contorted from the sudden swelling, and my throat began swelling up inside, threatening to block my airway. I had already gone to drop off the rental truck at the dealer so that my sister and brother-in-law could head home, after unloading it, all day. I had asked them to stay another night or two but they felt that they needed to leave because of other commitments. It was now late at night, and I was alone, in a place that I had never even set eyes on, before I moved here. I had bought the house online, and concluded the transaction by phone and by mail. I vetted the owner who was also the developer, and had my sister physically visit the community to see if it all aligned with what they said about it online. Everything was fine, except for Covid, creating supply chain issues, and parts shortages, which were affecting the build.

I was in a very tenuous situation with my landlord in Omaha who rightfully began to press me on when I was going to move, since I had to delay that several times after being contacted by the owner/developer here, to tell me that there was, yet another, delay. As weeks became months more, of waiting, surrounded by moving boxes that had been packed long ago, now, I felt depression settle over me due to my living in limbo so long. I explained to them that I was at risk of homelessness, again in my life, because the landlord was getting very impatient that I move, as I had told him, I would be doing that, a few times, at this point. Things were tense.

This is how I looked my first 24 - 48 hours living in this house. My throat was also swollen inside, which partially closed my airway. My lips were numb, and I couldn't drink from a cup or a glass. I could not speak properly because of the swelling both inside and out. It was definitely potentially life threatening.

For comparison, this is how I normally look, since moving here.

When the day finally came for me to move, I came out of the isolation I had lived in, in that apartment, to drive halfway across the country to my new home. I was, and am, terrified of Covid, because I am high risk for serious illness or death, in a few different ways. Besides the fear of a high medical bill, should I be hospitalized with it, there is the terror that I could end up intubated in the ICU, fighting for my life. Scenes of people going through that, on the news, increased my anxiety, and fear. I had to come out of complete isolation in that apartment to travel out in the open to get here, with there being NOWHERE IN THE WORLD that was Covid free or completely without risk for me. When I got here, I immediately went back into isolating myself, from Covid. It didn't help to calm me that I heard neighbors here saying they, currently, had Covid, and were not wearing masks. One of them, was in the ICU fighting for his life at one point. He finally recovered but that was scary.

 

I hate needles. Although I still endured them, to get the first two, Pfizer, vaccines, even those did not prevent me from catching Covid when two men who were anti-maskers were in my home briefly because I needed their help to stand up a huge, heavy, cabinet, I was in the process of building, for some needed extra storage. It had to be one of them that gave Covid to me because I was not around any other people. That was in June of 2022. I was sick 8 days, but I was able to stay home.

My next door neighbor raked all the leaves that fell from any trees, onto her yard, over into my yard, raking them into a huge pile, just behind my house, where she thought that I wouldn't see them. I stood at my window and watched her do it on at least two occasions, though. She and I will never be friends, because of all the ways, and times, she has shown me disrespect. The list is long, for this, from her.

I once moved a silly sign from my yard, that I knew, the clique members had put there,  after I first photographed its exact location, to document, beyond dispute, that it was, in fact, in my yard. I took several pictures of it from all angles, before I pulled it up, and removed it, taking it to the manager's office. It said something like, 'This is not a race track. Slow down', because, they had claimed people were speeding, through here (which, I never saw anyone do on this street, myself). No one asked me, before they did it, and I would have said no, because, I don't even have a car, so I am, clearly, not speeding through here, myself, and they placed it right beside, my, attractive, often complimented, address sign, in my yard, which, detracted from that. I had every right to remove it. It was catty, of them, to do it, in the first place. As I walked past, the bossy neighbor's house, on my street, she saw me with it, and started screaming at me. I was mad. I was fed up. I was sick of her shit, that she started, from DAY ONE, of my moving here! Who the hell did she think she was?! I had 'turned the other cheek', at that point, for a year and a half, with this bitch. I had passively put up with her cruel comments about me, as I simply walked past her house, on the way to take out trash, get my mail, or just go for a walk; just to do my best, to keep the peace. On THIS day, I was SICK OF THEIR SHIT-- this catty little clique, that surrounds me, on my street-- and, when she started screaming at me, that it was THEIR SIGN, and I could NOT MOVE IT, I raised my voice to MATCH HERS and shouted back at her, with, unleashed, fury in my voice, "If this is YOUR sign, then you should put it on YOUR lot! NOT MY LOT!" 

That was all I had to say about it. I had no desire to get into more of a screaming match, with her, or be forced into more of a scene than she had already caused. I dropped it off at the manager's office, who had already left for the day, and then I went home. She did not miss a chance to take yet another verbal snipe at me as I walked back by to go home. I was not there for very long before I suddenly heard voices outside, on my porch. Looking up, I saw two of the clique members, on MY porch! They knew, we were not friends, at all, and that they were not welcome, at my house, because of how extremely disrespectfully they had chosen to treat me, for a long time. That, did not deter them, though, from FULL ON, HARASSING ME, on this particular day. They began knocking, LOUD, and HARD, on my front door-- mostly on the glass window in the center of the door. I refused to answer, because it was crystal clear that they had come to my home to cause more of a scene with me, and they felt brave enough to do so by GANGING UP ON ME (as a third clique member was also hovering nearby and had been with them, both before and after this incident, that I am describing, now). Nothing good could come of my opening my door, to engage in anything, with these women, so I did not answer my door-- which, as a homeowner, is my absolute, legal, right to do in such a scary situation.

They did not leave, however, but KEPT ON KNOCKING LOUDLY, so I, finally, called 911, because I became increasingly concerned that, they were going to break the glass, and perhaps even, just come in, then, despite the fact that, I was not at all REQUIRED to OPEN MY DOOR, to these bullying bitches. Anyone, showing respect for me, would have knocked once, or maybe twice, politely, and if, I chose, not to answer my door, for any reason, they would have respected my right to do so and left. They were not there for any reason except to gang up on me, and harass me, and bully me because they fed off of each other's bitchy bravado. A clique is really just a gang; and they were ganging up on me. I did not want my house damaged by them, and I truly felt they were going to break the glass window in the door at any moment. They had no right, or reason, to treat me this way. The bossy clique leader had already screamed at me, for taking their silly sign to the office, so she knew, full well, that I DIDN'T HAVE IT, WITH ME, IN MY HOUSE. That is just more proof that they only wanted to, openly, disrespect me. I'd always chosen to show them grace, for the sake of the community, especially since I DO NOT LIKE THEM. But this was EXTREME MISTREATMENT OF ME FOR NO REASON and I WAS DONE.

I waited about 10 minutes before calling the cops, so the whole thing went on for about A HALF HOUR! It just demonstrated HOW MUCH they DISRESPECT ME that they didn't even ACCEPT or ALLOW that as a homeowner, I have EVERY RIGHT to REFUSE TO ANSWER MY DOOR-- ESPECIALLY, to people who CLEARLY HAVE EVIL INTENTIONS, TOWARD ME. I have NO DOUBT that this scene would have BLOWN UP EVEN MORE, if I had not been mature enough, and wise enough, to NOT OPEN THE DOOR TO THEM. Think of how much HATRED OF ME, someone would have to have, to CONTINUE almost breaking my door down, to get at me, when if anyone asked them what I have EVER ACTUALLY DONE to THEM they would REALLY HAVE NO REASON, to TREAT ME THIS WAY, AT ALL. They will never admit, that they are furious, with me, simply because I would not allow these OVERBEARING BITCHES to CONTROL ME. I don't like them because of how badly they have chosen to treat me. I am friendly to everyone, unless they give me a reason NOT to be, as THESE people have done-- MULTIPLE TIMES. Even so, I have not, ever, done anything, to them like they have done to me. I quietly go about my business, trying to live my own life with as much peace, and privacy, as possible. I don't bully anyone. I don't try to hurt anyone. I don't gang up on any person here. I, generally, choose, to be gentle with people unless I am being treated disrespectfully by them. Then I WILL stand up for myself, if need be. Especially if my showing them grace causes me to be more mistreated because many people seem to take it as a WEAKNESS, in me. I feel alot of fury at being wronged in any way, that I have chosen not to unleash. 

These are people in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even, 80s, in this clique, by the way. These are not, junior high school, kids. These are adults, who should know better.

There are alot of other things that I have been put through, here, but for my own reasons I have chosen to still keep some of them to myself, and some of it I have been too upset to talk about. Also, because I do choose to show grace to others, I have not spoken of some things because my not sharing it extends grace to those involved. I am, by far, one of the best human beings, here, though. I will say that. I just want you to know that, even though, I have spoken of some of it, here, I've been put through ALOT of other things also. Many, of which, are as bad, or worse, than what I have felt that I could tell you about here. There are reasons which are associated with my showing others grace, that prevent me from going into details about some situations. Just trust me, when I say that, it's been alot, and some of it is more serious, and sad, and scary, than the things that I have told you here. I am working hard on making my life here more of the blessing that God intended it to be, for me, and I am making progress with my goals, that will lead to me being healthier and happier. I am excited, about my future, here, and looking forward to whatever, God, has planned, for me. I trust God completely, and I take Him at His Word. Numbers 23:19, says that, "God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken and will He not make it good?" This is a 'God' thing, that He has done for me. One of my favorite Bible verses is Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you," says the LORD, "plans for peace, and well-being, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Amplified Bible) It sounds good to me!