It Is What It Is: This Is My Final Blog Post

This is my final blog post. There are several reasons for this, including that I have concluded over the course of the six years that I have written these posts that the 'ascent' which I have hoped for, and strived for, could very likely never happen. At least, not to the extent that would even make it something worth writing about. I started this blog in 2019, and this is my 101st post. That number represents a lot of hours of soul searching, dark confessions, slim hopes and lots of tears from the heartbreak that I've grappled with and am trying to heal from, for most of my life.

Many of you may recall my struggling with the decision about whether to continue to blog, and if so, how often. My reasons for that ranged from my having physical pain from carpal tunnel type symptoms, when I was originally attempting to write very lengthy, detailed, posts, every week, to my moving, to where I am now, and feeling frustrated, because I feel that I can't write openly about much of what I'm experiencing now, because it is my present circumstances, rather than past ones, that the majority of my posts are about. There are several reasons that I feel that I can't write more details about a lot of people and things affecting me here, from my own personal safety to the fact that these blog posts are read by people in 70 countries now, and the people who are in my life, in, any, way-- whether they are affecting my life in good or bad ways-- have a reasonable expectation to live their own lives without things being said about them on the internet 'for all the world to see'. Believe me, the temptation, at times, for me to do a 'Tell All' about, some, of these people, was real. Especially, when they have pissed me off! But, I didn't use this blog to do that, even though some of them may feel that I did at times. I told the truth about my own life, which includes, anything, and anyone, in my life, that has had an impact on it in any meaningful or lasting way. I was very honest about what I shared here, even when it revealed some ugly truth about me and things I have done which, I wish, I could undo. Because of that candor, this blog is able to describe who I am, for better and for worse, and my posts can answer almost any question that someone has about me of any importance. It really is, my life story, up until it ends with this post. Whatever does or doesn't happen, to and for me, in the future, will never be revealed here, now. Not even significant developments in my life, should those ever occur. Given, my past, my age, and my situation I must conclude at this point that, the odds of my dreams coming true aren't in my favor.

                                               

Why am I deciding to definitely stop writing this now? I have already shared some of the reasons that I have considered doing this, in my previous posts, but there's one overarching reason that was the deciding factor for me, after my ambivalence about ending my blog. It goes all the way back to what I chose to call my blog, in 2019, as I began this journaling journey: "Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections". I just got tears in my eyes typing that, because it hints at a feeling of optimism, a determination, in my mindset, and, maybe, just, deep, faith-- that I still had, back then-- that, somehow, God would make a way, where there seemed to be no way, or perhaps a miracle would be imparted to me by the Universe, which would finally fulfill the deepest desires of my very human heart. I am actually a realist at my core, though, and I just don't see that ever happening.

I am battle-scarred and very burned out, but I have some sense of pride that I've at least 'survived' everything that I've been through, in my life, however torn and tattered I am by it all. The dark night of the soul has surely taken a toll on me but what has led to my decision to stop blogging about my life is my acknowledgment that, even the best of what has happened to and for me can't be considered to be any significant 'ascent' that would deliver me out of the dark, and into the light of all the love and laughter that I have dreamed about, and prayed for, for so long. I do tell God that, I know, He is good to me, in so many ways, for which I am truly, deeply, grateful. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and even though I will spend it alone, by choice-- given the other available alternatives, which were not anything that's particularly appealing to me-- because of the Covid virus, among other things-- I am well aware that, I am so blessed, in so many ways. It is my being deprived of or denied a fulfilling romantic relationship that gets me down, the most, though. I am a passionate person (and frankly, a very 'horny' one), so being celibate for 26 years, and counting, at this point, has been extremely frustrating, and unfulfilling, for me. I make regular use of my vibrators, and they serve me very well. But I've wanted to do things, with a man, that I just can't do with a machine. That is what I'm missing most, in my life. Just because the hair turns gray on the outside does not mean there is any diminishing of, 'the fire in the furnace', within, so to speak!

My sense of humor, even about disappointments and deprivations, is what carries me through, many times, when I have no alternative but to laugh or cry, so I will share some of that with you regarding this otherwise hopeless-seeming situation.  I wrote about John Noble, AKA 'JDaddy74' online, in a previous post. Whenever I watch one of his videos-- especially, the ones with his shirt off-- it just makes me smile. (I love a hairy chest on a man!) His facial features don't appeal to me, but  I put a photo of him in a black hat and no shirt on my large desktop computer as my lock screen background. So, every day, I smile to myself, because while I am turning on my computer, it is TURNING ME ON, too! (The photo is below.) It gets even better, though! I ALSO, made this photo the lock screen background for my smartphone, so every time I need to unlock my phone, I have to stroke his body somewhere, with my finger, to do that. The available 'choices' are ALL delightful, and delicious, for me! Umm, umm, UMM! (I am SMILING, really BIG, right now!)

    

 John Noble, AKA JDaddy74 

Some sombersome situations have happened, though, which are things that I can find nothing funny about, at all. This past Saturday, I got an email from my sister, saying that Dad died, on September 10th of this year. If you read my posts about him, and our relationship, then you will know that, I was No Contact with him, for many years, and I vowed that I would not attend his funeral when he didn't allow me to be at my brother Mike's funeral after he committed suicide by gun. I was in Omaha, Nebraska and wasn't to blame in any way for Mike's death in Greensboro, North Carolina. My mother, sent me, ONE, very small, color, photo, of my brother, lying in his casket. That was all my family shared with me, in the whole situation, and there was absolutely no reason, for it. I have no issue, whatsoever, with Pam not telling me about Dad's death sooner. I was fine with that. I felt nothing, about his passing, because he really never engaged in a relationship with me even while I spent 18 years growing up in his house. He spent so much time watching TV. He would glare at me scornfully, or snap at me angrily, if I dared, to interrupt that, in any way. He was a fearsome figure in the household, that had a chilling effect. We all make choices in life, and those have consequences. Both my parents are gone, now, but they were already long gone from my life for years due to their behavior toward me causing me to go No Contact. My mother was actually a narcissist and my dad was an absentee father-- even when, he was in the same house with me. Neither of them were affirming or affectionate toward me. These people were not what I would call a 'loving' family. It wasn't a warm, nurturing, safe-feeling home.

It could be argued that they showed love in their own way but it was often hurtful and harmful, and I finally went No Contact, to try, to heal, from the damage, and destructiveness, of how they treated me. NO love, can be better than BAD love. I did what I had to do, to survive the dysfunction in that family. I wish, it had been different-- better-- for all of us. My sister Pam, who was the youngest member of my family of origin, once told me that, after the rest of us were grown and gone, she had to intervene to break up physical fights between our parents. How awful for her! When I was very little, their fights escalated into, physical, violence also, which was genuinely terrifying to me as a small child that depended on these two grownups for my very survival; traumatizing me in ways I never recovered from. My son, Jay, once chastised me that I 'made my mother cry', though. My mother and father made sure to undermine my relationship with my son which led to my heartbreaking decision to transfer his custody to his father and stepmother, to be raised by them, the rest of the way, after I had been the only one caring for him, 24/7, after he was born, while his dad was too busy socializing to bother with it. I contacted my son after he was grown, and HE made ME cry, by disrespecting me!

I chose to be SELFLESS, in order to give him the BEST possible life he could have. I had never even wanted to have any kids because I was so afraid that the family dysfunction would cause my relationship with any kids of my own to become toxic as well. Ironically, that is exactly what happened, anyway, due to the way that my family portrayed me. As my son grew up, he heard that, I was the black sheep, of the family (their SCAPEGOAT, actually, to keep any focus off THEIR OWN sins). He bought into it, and after he and I had remained close for several years of his early childhood, he ultimately cut off his relationship with me for no reason that he ever gave me, when he was in his early 20s. I reached out to him when he was around 38 years old, but he clearly did not want a relationship with me, so I let it go. But, I messaged him, again, this year, just to send my condolences, when I saw online that his stepmother, who had raised him with his father, had passed away, in May of this year. I sent a sympathy card to Jim, as well, but, neither one of them ever acknowledged, or responded to, that. I wrote something on my Facebook account about Linnea when she passed though that shows who I am and MY HEART about it. I'm copying & pasting that below, for you to see. This is what I said about her:

"Deborah Robinson

June 8

I came across a post indicating that my son's stepmother passed away, less than a month ago.

Linnea was without a doubt THE BEST HUMAN BEING that I have EVER KNOWN in my life!

She was technically his stepmother because I gave birth to my son, but I transferred his custody to his father, my ex-husband, Jim Carlin, after telling him that I REALLY LIKED HER, and that I would give him custody of our son Jay IF HE MARRIED LINNEA. They married soon after.

I JUST KNEW that SHE was SOMEONE SPECIAL, and would be a great influence on both Jim and our baby boy Jay. It was the best possible resolution of a bad situation. (Jim had only married me because I unexpectedly became pregnant, which neither of us had planned on, or really wanted.)

While I was in the process of divorcing Jim, I suggested that he spend his evenings teaching ballroom dance instead of just going out. He was a career Air Force officer at the time, but I had seen a job ad in the paper for Ballroom Dance Instructors, and he already had that training. He took my advice, and THAT is how HE MET LINNEA. They fell in love before our divorce was even final. HE NEEDED HER, and SHE NEEDED HIM. They were PERFECT FOR ONE ANOTHER!

IT NEARLY KILLED ME to LET GO of MY GUYS that I LOVED SO MUCH, but I knew IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD DO FOR JIM AND JAY, AND THEIR HAPPINESS, and I WAS RIGHT!

Because Linnea was THE PERFECT MOTHER for Jay, after THEY had BEEN A FAMILY for a while, and I could see that IT WAS INDEED GOING VERY WELL, I told her that I wanted to give my parental rights to Jay up, for her to be able to adopt Jay as her own son.

Ironically, I had a baby, but never wanted to do that, because I was afraid my family's dysfunction would make me a bad mother, but SHE was the PERFECT mother-figure who was never able to have her own children to raise. She did adopt Jay, so in the eyes of the law I HAVE NO SON, and she and Jim adopted a Korean girl while Jim was stationed there in the Air Force. They did have a baby girl of their own, but she died during childbirth, as I understand it. LIFE IS TRULY ODD, WITH HOW THINGS GO, AT TIMES.

She had not asked me to legally give up my son to her, because she was so compassionate, including toward me, and she KNEW how HARD THAT WOULD BE for me to do. But, after I approached her about it, because it was [the] best thing for Jay, and for them, traveling the world with Jim in the service, she and I went to a judge TOGETHER, to get it done, which floored the judge, who had not seen that kind of mutual love and supportiveness between an ex-wife and the new wife, before. Then we made a copy of the decree that would fit into a picture frame, and surprised Jim with that, for a Christmas gift, because he had told her that I would not ever do that because of how deeply I loved my son. It was BECAUSE I LOVED JAY that I WANTED TO DO THAT.

But, EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I did it because LINNEA WAS WORTH IT.

She was one of those people that BLESSES EVERYBODY SHE MEETS. She was gracious, caring, compassionate, loving. All the time. To everyone. She was a better person, BY FAR, than I will EVER be, and Jim was LUCKY to HAVE HER.

So, I know that Jim is enduring the biggest loss of his life, right now. They had over 40 AMAZING years TOGETHER, HAPPILY MARRIED. She was the BEST thing that EVER happened to him, I am sure. In some ways, she was the best thing to ever happen to ME, too.

I ADMIRED HER SO MUCH! I have tears filling my eyes as I write this post. She was a great lady in every way. I miss her, too."

Neighborly - Characteristic of a good neighbor, especially helpful, friendly, or kind.

The overt disrespect, that neighbors of mine, who have affiliated themselves with this clique against me here, have shown me, has been so, over-the-top, at times, that I find it hard to fathom that its perpetrated by people in their 50s - 80s! The neighbor next door actually took her leaf blower that she had finally, temporarily, turned off because I was attempting to speak to her, and deliberately blasted me in the face with it at very close range. She doesn't think I deserve basic respect!

The management had graciously hired professional landscapers, to come remove the leaves on the lots, and the crew had just come through with a team of 3 men with leaf blowers, who had blown all the leaves out onto the paved street in front of the houses here, in order to come back through with a large suction hose, and remove them all. Management had sent us all an email, outlining what to expect, and what to do and not to do, so this day would go smoothly for the landscapers.

[Below is part of the email, sent to all residents, about the leaf removal process. Although our management emailed it to us, it was provided by the landscapers.]

"They will NOT be able to remove leaves from porches, roofs, fenced areas or flower beds in yards
-Homeowners should NOT pile leaves on their own - piles hide things that can damage [the] machines and they will need to blow leaves in such a way that their machine is able to pick them up.
-They will NOT get every leaf. Sometimes people have the misconception that every leaf will be gone when they leave. They project that they will remove 80% to 90% of the leaves that are on the ground when they arrive."

The crew which had just come through apparently did not remove a high enough percentage of the leaves for my neighbor to be satisfied, so, she disregarded the information, and guidance, from the email, and started blowing leaves from HER flower bed into MY yard, which had just been prepped by the men who would be coming back through very soon to vacuum up the leaves they had just blown out onto the street. This neighbor is ALWAYS so DISRESPECTFUL to me that I dislike EVER engaging with her; but fair is fair, so I had first stayed up on my porch and simply used my pointer finger to motion to her to blow the leaves onto the street with all the others. Because her leaf blower is so loud I was not SAYING anything to her. She goes out of her way to demonstrate her disrespect of me, any chance she gets, though, so she glared at me and motioned to her EAR that she couldn't HEAR me. She goes to ridiculous lengths, like that, to make things as difficult for me as possible, whenever I have to deal with her, and this is just one example of that, since I wasn't SAYING anything AT ALL, for her to HEAR. I merely motioned toward the pile of leaves out on the street that she had just seen the landscaping crew put there, to, literally, point out that it was where the new pile that she was blowing out of her flower bed onto my lot now should be blown to by her instead.

She was now just beside my porch steps, as she ignored me standing right there on my porch, and she continued creating this new pile of leaves ON MY LOT, NOT HERS; completely disregarding what I was properly indicating that she should be doing instead, per the guidelines we were all given about it. So, I went inside my house and got my leaf rake, and I went back out and raked up her pile of leaves, putting them with the pile on the street. Despite my doing that, to make it easier for the workmen doing the job, she kept on, blowing more leaves from her flower bed directly toward my house and onto my lot, rather than to the street. She has heard me say that I always try to avoid being around leaf blowers because of the potential to damage my hearing. (My hearing was damaged, in one ear, when my last husband struck me on the side of the head, to where I was only able to open my mouth slightly, to spoon in liquids, for nourishment, for days, afterward. So, I am protective of my remaining hearing, and try to keep it from being damaged, if I can possibly prevent that from happening.) I assure you that, this neighbor was deliberately baiting me by everything that she was doing in this situation, while I was standing right there, watching her disrespect me and the workmen that way, as I became more and more frustrated, at how anyone could be so unnecessarily hostile to their next-door neighbor. (This, is the same, neighbor, by the way, that went to management behind my back to ask them if she could plant a tree-- that SHE ALREADY BOUGHT-- on MY lot, so that she would not even have to discuss it with me! She CLEARLY knew that was wrong to do to me in the first place, or she would never have TRIED to handle it that way. Can you imagine? I could not ever  do the things she has done to me to any neighbor, or to anyone else. Fortunately, that time, the manager did the right thing, by telling her that, she had to ask me, and I said no, because she already chose how to landscape her own lot, including by having her flower bed jut over into some of my lot, as it is, without, consulting me, and I pay just as much every month, for my lot, as she does, for hers. Unlike her, I am not asking for more than my fair share; but I am asking for what is fair, and I have a reasonable expectation of being able to develop my own landscaping for my lot without being denied that right and privilege because of her selfishness and greed. I have never tried to take advantage of her or of any other neighbor--

NOR WOULD I!

                                                   

Such horrible behavior, as she and the other clique bitches have done toward me here, is galling, to me! There are many ongoing instances, of this neighbor doing such things to me. When I have tried to be civil to her, she has merely continued to undermine me in every possible way, and when I catch her at it she lies to my face. Her deep disrespect of me is palpable. Since she lives next door to me, she does anything she can to undermine, and irritate, and disenfranchise, me, of my rights and privileges as a resident here. Her behavior disrupts, and destroys, my peace, and privacy, also. She has greatly diminished my quality of life that I had here before she moved in. There's just no way I can get along with such people, who care nothing about, being respectful, fair or truthful. Having her living right next door to me is emotionally excruciating at this point. She is evil, toward me. 

The day that I am describing here now, I had already tried-- twice-- to get her to stop blowing those leaves onto my lot instead of out to the pile on the street that  was only a few feet away at most, from where she continued to do this. She tries to damage my reputation as all of the clique-affiliated people here try hard to do, which is extremely distressing to me because it distorts how people here think of me, and therefore, it affects how they treat me, even if they are not in the clique themselves. My reputation matters to me! What she was doing now, with blowing her leaves onto my lot, was also intended to do that because clearly it would also make it appear to the landscapers that I WAS THE ONE who did not respect them enough to follow the directions they had provided us through our management to make this large task go as smoothly for them as possible by resident cooperation and compliance. Had her pile of leaves been left in my yard, they would likely see that as something that I did, when they came back, to vacuum up their prepared leaf pile on the street, right in front of our houses. After I raked her leaves out to the street, I stood face-to-face, with her, again, to try to get her to stop, because she continued doing it even after all this. I confronted her directly and with a very frustrated look on my face, I told her to blow them toward the street! This time, I WAS articulating this to her, and this time, she had, briefly, stopped, her loud leaf blower, just long enough to sneer, at me, and say, "GROW UP!" Then, she pointed her leaf blower upward, right at my face at very close range, and blasted my face with it. Shocked at such treatment of me-- and for no good reason whatsoever!--  I exclaimed "Bitch!", as I finally lost my temper, and I told her to "STOP!" Seeing that she had pushed me to exactly where she wanted me, she then, simply, said, what she should have said from the beginning, which was, "Okay", as she began blowing the rest of the leaves from her lot out onto the street. It blows my mind that anyone acting like she does toward me would say "Grow up", to ME, when I am not the one of the two of us that is behaving in these ways that she is. There  is nothing "grown up" about the ways she has behaved toward, and about, me. I have either done things of good will toward my neighbors, or nothing at all. But I have never behaved anything like these shameful things that they do toward me.

Management provided a beautifully done Thanksgiving-themed appreciation meal for the residents earlier this month, but I didn't go. I saw pictures from it though, and it was lovely. I vacillated between, going, or not going. They held it outdoors, under an open tent, so my Covid concerns would have been somewhat alleviated, which was thoughtful of them. I decided the day before that, I would try to go. (I just teared up as I began recalling that day, and all I was feeling.) When I moved here in the midst of the pandemic, I was very afraid of catching Covid, so I didn't go to any of the social events here. When the clique defamation of me began, the gossip and lies about me were absolutely awful. The rumors they started, were so shocking that I couldn't imagine how anyone claiming to be a Christian could have started that campaign against me. It hurt to see so many people here believe the things they heard, even when they had never even met me or gotten to know me for themselves. I could tell who had succumbed to the toxic tongue wagging since those people avoided me in a very obvious way. My other next-door neighbor who is in her 80s used to put her hand up beside her face in order to avoid the sight of me, and would walk by me very fast, from the moment that she moved in. It was odd and ridiculous behavior, that came from whatever pure bullcrap the 'so-called Christian' clique leader, that started this shit, on my very first day living here, had said to her, about me, when she befriended this woman. It seemed to me like she was competing with me for friends and that she was determined to do all that she could to make sure that I didn't have ANY, because I resisted her trying to control me, when I first moved here; politely, but firmly. Her smear campaign against me gave me a lot of extra crap to have to deal with, that I didn't need, and created a very steep uphill climb for me to try to make, any, real, friends, here. It was both calculated and cruel. I did try, but the spread of this malicious gossip was just too pervasive, and poisoned people against me. So, I mostly gave up, and just stayed in my house and kept to myself 99% of the time. The resident appreciation dinner this month would have been the very first event that I had ever attended here but the stress-- of trying to overcome my anxiety about it-- proved to be too much to cope with, and in the end, although, I could see, the tent, and hear, the voices, of the attendees, from my house, I stayed home, and felt sad. My eyes have tears in them now, just recalling how hard that day was for me. I had really wanted to go!

Not Crazy

They tell others that I'm crazy.

That's just another lie,

They use to shift the the focus,

And be their alibi.

These bitches have been trouble

From the very start.

Spreading ugly rumors

That really broke my heart.

It was a warm day, especially, for this time of year, and the weather was sunny. I saw some people wearing shorts! The photographs that I saw showed a beautiful banquet had been prepared. There were long tables and chairs for people, in and around the tent. It was so thoughtful of management to go to all this trouble and expense to show their appreciation of the residents here. I often don't sleep very well, anymore, for various reasons, which makes me so tired that, I am not good company to anyone then. This had also been the case for several days before the event, but the night before, I prayed, and asked God to, please, help me to get a solid night's sleep because I had decided that I would try to attend after all. That night, I slept straight through the night, which I almost never do, anymore (even  if it's just because I have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom), and I was so amazed and excited by that! I had even gone to bed early for me, as I am normally a 'night owl', and stay up quite late. God seemed to be answering all my prayers, to help me to go to this get-together for the community that I moved to, just over 3 years ago now. I was nervous, but, I was excited, too. I got up earlier than I usually do because of going to bed earlier, and I showered and shampooed my hair, and began to choose an outfit to get ready to go. But, the closer it got to the time for the event, the more my anxiety increased, until it got a little past the start time, and I was still home, really, struggling, by then, to get through, a full-on anxiety attack, at that point. (I'm starting to cry again now just thinking about it.) I could not get it under control. I was so sad, and disappointed, because I had REALLY TRIED to GO. I peeked out my front door, at that community gathering, a few times, wishing, I were there, but I just couldn't control the trauma that I felt.

The thing that got to me, that kept me from going, when it came down to it, was all of the times that I have been shunned by people here who believed the clique gossip and turned on me because of it, which causes me a lot of anxiety because  I can't stop it from happening, or defend myself, from those hateful, hurtful, lies, and things they say, to alienate me from the community. Every time, someone is open to getting to know me and will converse with me, I always feel very uneasy about someone in the clique seeing us talking together, because they go to those people, after they see us, and turn many of them against me. Because I wouldn't be able to talk to ANYONE, at the dinner, without, the clique members, who were there, seeing everyone that I would try to converse with, I just didn't try. I know what happens, when I try. So, I stayed home, so that I wouldn't have even more people hurting me, by suddenly changing toward me, 180°, because of this crap.

I just don't need the extra grief, of my trying to overcome this, huge, obstacle, to developing friendships, here, that these 50 - 80-year-old clique bitches created to alienate me from the other community members. I have seen so many, otherwise good people, turn on me, and rarely, do any of them become truly friendly toward me, again, after this happens. The clique members won. I just do not understand, how any adult, could be this vicious. I could never have done such an, evil, smear campaign to any of them. These are, senior citizens, bullying senior citizens. They did it to some others, too, who all moved away, citing that as one of their reasons for not staying in this community. But, I've been their main target, from the start. Because God blessed me with this home of my own, I'm still here trusting that He has a Plan and a Purpose for bringing me here. But, my anxiety about all this has been overwhelming at times. I was even very nearly suicidal over it, at one point.

When I started this blog, 6 years and 101 posts ago, I had such hope that things would turn out better for me than they have. It is disheartening. But, I still have so much to be truly grateful for, and I recognize that despite its persecutions and pitfalls, my life right now is immensely better than the lives of so many others on this planet. Thanksgiving, is tomorrow. I will cook a frozen turkey TV dinner, with some boxed stuffing, on the side, and it will taste good, and I will be grateful. My food is not fancy, but I am never hungry. I used to make things from scratch, for past holidays, but I am just SOOOOOOOO WEARY, right now, and I crave privacy and peace, to try to restore my soul. GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME! HE TRULY IS! I'm still in good health, live independently, have a beautiful home in a lovely location,  I watch happy Hallmark movies, every night, as I find what, female, fulfillment, I can, from watching the on-screen romances, and I still have my sense of humor! 

I still don't own a car, but I enjoy going for walks, and those are good for me. The new digital keyboard is waiting for me to try to relearn how to play piano, which I haven't done for decades, and I got myself an, adult, kick scooter as an alternate mode of transportation to my feet and my bicycle. I want to build a LEGO city as I find architecture fascinating, and I can't wait to pull out my old art supplies, and I still want to learn how to paint with watercolors. I also want to cook from scratch more than I have lately, and bake, of course. I want to put my new MP3 player in my ears, and go exploring. I still haven't seen much of this area, but from what I can tell, it's a very nice place to live. I have a bad habit of saving my good things for 'someday', but, that day, never comes. Just, another today-- that is a blessing in itself, because I am still alive, to enjoy music, and dance around, and rejoice in each breath and heartbeat that God still graces me with. I am determined to wear my 'good' clothes, and stop 'saving them'. Maybe, by wearing them, I might even catch the eye of someone new who will love me well like I've longed for and need.

It amazed me when I met someone who was finally able to dislodge Jim from my heart! He had been the one man that no one had ever been able to remove from my heart. NO ONE had EVEN COME CLOSE, before THIS man DID that-- after 40 years! I am forever grateful to him for that; but then I had to get over him, also. It was simply impossible for me to get to know this man and, not, love him, even though I did not see that coming, at all, until it hit me in the heart full force. He's not someone that I can ever be with though, and I am a realist, so I look forward to hopefully meeting the man that will be 'the third time's the charm' guy for me. I've known a lot of men in my life, but my heart has only completely loved two of  them. My second husband, Jim, who is my son's father, and this one, that got me over Jim. God gave them to other women though, so they aren't His Plan for me.  I don't know if God has someone for me. Mutual love, always seems to elude me. 

Well, I just started crying as I prepared to say this, but, it is time for me to go on with my life-- and whatever it does, or doesn't, turn out to be-- and I won't be on here, blogging, about it, because, THIS IS GOODBYE. There's just so much that I can't really write, in detail about, regarding my life here, for various reasons, and it looks like I'll need a miracle to ever get to a full 'ascent' through the dark night of the soul. Right now, and for a very long time, I have been living in the dark, in various ways, but hoping for the light. Maybe I just won't have that on this earth, but I still have the hope that I will have that, someday, in Heaven, and eternity is forever! To all of you who shared my life's journey, this far, by reading this blog, I thank you for doing that. It was comforting, motivating, and inspiring to have you alongside me as I shared tears and laughter, hurts and hopes, and so much more.
I wish you all the best, all the love, and all the light. And, always, ASCENT. - Deb

I Hate Roller Coasters & I've Been On One

This is dedicated to a, very patient, caring, friend of mine, who helped me survive this particular 'dark night of the soul', that I am describing in this post. Her name, is not given here, however, for fear that she would then be even more targeted by the clique where we live, than she already is. I have worried, excessively, that she will be even further mistreated by these people if they know that she is my friend.

She was my light, helping, to lead me back to sanity, when darkness overtook me.

I hate roller coasters, whether they are mechanical, or emotional. I do not like the ride they take me on. I like, standing on solid ground, and having the sense that I have sure footing, in my situation. I have not had that feeling of security, for quite awhile now. I am, currently, recovering from, what could only be described as, my having a nervous breakdown*. Everything I have been through (been put through by people), became too much to bear, and I fell into such a dark despair that, all I could do, for awhile, was free fall, helplessly, as I struggled to even find the will to go on. Basic things, like showering or brushing my hair, were neglected because it took any strength that I could still find, within me, to battle the despondency, that had me in its clutches, and was shaking the very life out of me. I have never been so scared that I would not be able to survive, what life was handing me to have to deal with, and I have been through ALOT, in my life. As I clung to my faith in God, I sent up, weak, whispered, prayers pleading for God to "help me!" because I was barely eating, or sleeping, or functioning, well, at all. What I was experiencing felt like being in an airplane that was headed nose first straight toward the ground, at full speed, unable to pull itself up, to avoid crashing. I was doing all I could, but it was not enough. NOTHING, was working. The pain of the situation pummeled me.

I posted this on my personal FACEBOOK page:

I am just tired. Too MUCH heartache for too LITTLE joy. Hope just feels like a liability to me. It seems like it always opens me up to MORE PAIN &    DISAPPOINTMENT & GENUINE CRUELTY from people. I DON'T WANT my heart to believe it can ever HAVE what it WANTS. It FEELS LIKE A LIE. I'm going to settle for what I CAN have and DO ALL I CAN to be ENTHUSIASTIC about those things. I don't know how else to keep going. MY HEART IS SO BROKEN. There are no words.

I also posted:

I am living this.

On Twitter, I retweeted this tweet, that I saw in my Timeline:

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Gossip can be an insidious form of bullying or harassment. If the intent is to demean, propagate lies or half truths about people, or designed to hurt, denigrate and destroy reputations behind people's backs, then gossip has crossed a line into harassment.

Adding, my own comment, onto the retweet:

I AM LIVING THIS. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!

A friend on Twitter sent me this. It describes EXACTLY HOW I FEEL right now:

I have A REALLY GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM ONLINE which REALLY HELPS ME ALOT.

This is something that I wrote when I was struggling to recover from the nervous breakdown. My writing helps me to process things that I am thinking and feeling.  I had never had this much of a mental collapse before, and it scared me so much that I hope it is the last one that I will ever have. I didn't think I would survive it. Nothing that I have ever done, previously, worked in this situation; or helped me with the things that I was thinking and feeling because of it. Honestly, for a time, it, truly, looked like, this thing, was going to be the death of me, in some way, or other. I cried out for God to show me His Grace to help me get through it, while I watched, helplessly, as I tried to dog paddle, in this, raging, sea of emotions, and not be drowned by them all. The internal gauge on my emotions began telling me things that, it never had, before. Not, this way. Not, this long. Not, this deep. . . .

Have you ever given someone much more credit than they deserved, and eventually realized that they never were the person that meant the world to you? Has someone ever so fooled you that your heart blossomed around them, but once it was fully open, like a flower, fragile and sweet, they cut you off in a cold, cruel, way, and even seemed to enjoy watching you wither, and fade away? Have you ever been so wrong in your assessment of people that you nearly didn't survive the shock of finally seeing what they are really like, and you doubt your ability to size people up, and worse, to ever be able to fully trust anyone ever again?

Has your heart ever been so broken, and your soul in such deep pain, that your eyes look like sad pools of tears in the mirror, and your cry sounds like that of a wounded animal that is scared, and anxious, and bleeding, and unsure if it will even survive the blows that it took from the hand that it once trusted to care for it? Have you ever wondered if you will smile, or laugh, or even want to live, again? Have you ever felt that you had to watch everyone you interact with closely for clues of possible betrayal, because you're surrounded by people who have defamed your character and spread truly vicious rumors about you, and even told people to not befriend you-- to the point that people who barely know you or don't even know you at all won't even speak to you, either because they believe the gossip and don't even give you a chance by getting to know you themselves, or they whisper quickly and quietly, before they rush away, from your walking up to them, before those opposing you see them, that they don't necessarily believe ALL the things they hear about you, but they just don't want to get involved, or be put in the middle of it, or be ostracized this way themselves due to association with you?

Do you ever feel like a second-class citizen, because you don't even get voicemails or emails responded to, AT ALL, by people that have been your heroes in the past, who used to, be there for you, for a while, anyway, and have to wonder if that change is because they either heard the ugly rumors, and believed all that, without ever once asking you about it, or they started the rumors themselves, for whatever reason they want to discredit you for, and hurt you in some way, and they don't want to be held accountable for their actions (despite saying they are Christians who believe in God, who would then also believe in Judgement Day)?

I never stood a chance. Before I even packed up my things, loaded a truck, and moved to what God had just done a miracle to bless me with as 'the desire of my heart' to own my own home, I NEVER STOOD A CHANCE in this 'community' with its HATEFUL PEOPLE. TRULY MEAN, HYPOCRITICAL, UGLY, people. The clique was in place before I even got here, but it grew larger, as new residents arrived, and were recruited to join its ranks, undermining the entire environment of what could have been 'Heaven on Earth', for us all, here.

Have you ever come close to being suicidal because people have so shocked you, with their cruelty, and manipulations-- that were actually NOT truly CARING, but were designed to cause you to LOWER YOUR GUARD, AND TRUST THEM, so they could manipulate you, with their actual motivation being to discredit you, to make you look bad? To make you look like the problem, after they push you and push you and accuse you and mistreat you, until you finally say a 'bad' word to their face, or look and sound hysterical, from frustration and outrage. . . when they make sure they have a witness to that, just so they can 'document' that YOU acted like that. They NEVER SHOW ANYONE ELSE how THEY have acted, though-- unless, it's those that are IN ON THIS SHAM, and are HELPING THEM DO IT to you.

People you liked- even loved-- and once trusted, turn out to have an agenda to discredit you, and possibly even go so far as to cost you your dream. The ONE AND ONLY DREAM COME TRUE you have EVER HAD in YOUR ENTIRE LIFE hangs in the balance, and you feel the FEAR of knowing they could COME IN FOR THE KILL-- and FINISH YOU OFF-- at any moment. These are people that YOU TRUSTED; who MADE THIS DREAM POSSIBLE, that they then turned into a nightmare, by mistreating, and disrespecting, you, in some hard and humiliating ways. The WORST part of it is, you don't know WHY.

Recently, something that I have been grappling with for quite a while now became too much for me to bear. I felt, and acted, like I was having a nervous breakdown, because of it. I became so despondent, so filled with despair, that I felt afraid as I found myself in a dark freefall, and I felt like I couldn't pull myself out of it. Like a terrifying movie scene, where a plane suddenly malfunctions for some reason and starts a nosedive straight toward the ground, is a fair representation of how I was feeling, and I truly didn't know what to do about it. When people look at me, they often size me up to be some fragile female, likely because I'm small, in body type, and my general demeanor (unless I'm upset in some way) is normally gentle, and friendly. Because of that, some are taken aback when they finally push me too far and feel the full force of my anger at them. 

I've been through ALOT in my life and if I am anything I am a survivor! Up until this 'dark night of the soul' happened to me I had come through every, hellish, thing I have ever been dealt in my life, and lived to tell it, including, in this blog. So, I was in new territory, emotionally, when I started to see that I wasn't doing well-- at all-- in successfully dealing with this thing now. Returning to my movie analogy, it went as far as that heart-pounding scene where the plane almost crashes into the ground nose first and all the souls aboard are about to perish, but at the very last second, the pilot is able to pull it back up, again, avoiding a disaster.

DANGER! Approaching 90% on my self-destruction gauge. . . . Approaching 95% . . . . Approaching 98%. With a mere 2%, left, to go, with me so exhausted in every way that I was passively watching my own imminent demise, at this point, because I had nothing left in me to oppose it, anymore. I EXPECTED TO DIE, at this point, if only because THERE WAS NO MORE 'FIGHT' LEFT IN ME. It was then that I felt a shaft of light hit my extremely weary soul, straight from Heaven, bringing a tiny hint of hope, with it, and stopping my head-on collision with giving up altogether, that I was right up against, by then. I have never felt so scared as I felt being in the throes of this mocking and menacing mindset, and what looked like, no way out, right before God's Grace got to me, just in the nick of time, saving me.

My weak pleas to God, and one friend staying alongside me, as I battled it, finally helped me to pull up out of it, but not before I felt that I had hit a 98% chance of imminent impact. My deep desire to live, which has seen me through every, 'dark night of the soul', that has been my destiny to endure, was, barely, stronger than the desire to be done, with all the bullshit, people have inflicted on me, in the last couple of years. Those claiming to be "Christians", have treated me the worst. No matter what I do or don't do nothing has remedied alot of it, and I am left feeling anxious, and angry, about having this bullshit affecting my quality of life. For alot of reasons, including personal safety, I cannot write openly, about specific details, as long as I am here, in this situation. It has been, a real struggle, to describe, to you, what my life is like, in this location and circumstance, while not being able to give you more details or expound on it in my blog posts. I can tell you that I have treated these people better than they are treating me, all things considered. They have defamed, discredited and disparaged me, which deeply distresses me due to my pet peeve being someone not treating me with respect. To complicate it, even more, these same people HAVE been there for me in some VERY significant ways, in between, all the other times, that they HAVE NOT 'shown up' to support me, or worse, have undermined my reputation, here, and caused problems for me, in my relationships with some others, by, saying things, about me, they really shouldn't.

It is a very fair and honest statement to say that this is a dysfunctional, and even toxic, environment in some significant ways, and perhaps more so for me, since I have been the main target of alot of the gossip, which includes some very serious lies about me. It is disheartening to continually try to overcome what is largely an undeserved reputation. There are people here who HAVE NEVER MET ME but think so badly of me, because of the things they have been told, about me; and they do not even keep an open mind to give me a chance and decide for themselves. I am a flawed person with faults, to be sure, but isn't everyone, including those who do this to me? I read something online just this past week, that said, 'For a world full of imperfect people who have their own faults, isn't it amazing how many of them stay busy judging others?' To be sure, WE ALL do it to someone, sometime, about something. But, I am dealing with people who have made it their Calling in life, to sully, and even trash, my reputation, where I live, including in ways which are not at all accurate. TRUTH has ALWAYS MATTERED to ME. The way I see it is that God knows THE WHOLE TRUTH, already, and every one of us will FACE OUR MAKER on Judgement Day, for OUR OWN SINS; not for SOMEONE ELSE'S. So, if my ultimate Judge ALREADY KNOWS THE TRUTH and it WILL ALL COME OUT IN THE END, why would I LIE NOW? Lies have a way of COMING TO LIGHT EVENTUALLY, and I am a firm believer in Karma showing up at some point (although often not soon enough for me). I have redacted the blog posts I have written about where I live now and intend to keep on doing that for as long as I live here. Since I moved here to have the blessing from God of owning my own home-- which was the deepest Desire Of My Heart-- and I LOVE MY HOME here, I am not planning to go anywhere else and therefore will NEVER be able to tell you the specifics of my situation. I continue, to protect people, who have disrespected me, spread rumors about me, and told lies about me-- for, a number of reasons; not the least of which, is because, I DO NOT have ANY desire to hurt THEM or THEIR LIVES, INCLUDING, in the ways that they HAVE DONE THAT to ME, and MY life. The ones behaving most like they are pious, and therefore 'in a religious huff' toward me, for BEING A SINNER in THEIR EYES, don't seem to know Bible scripture as well as I do, despite being churchgoers, etc.

Here are some applicable Bible verses that they either don't know or don't live by:

"Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to." 1 Timothy 5:13

"With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors." Proverbs 11:9

"Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the LORD." Leviticus 19:16

"Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it." James 4:11

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless." James 1:26

"Do not spread false reports." Exodus 23:1

"Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips and spreads slander is a fool." Proverbs 10:18

"The tongue has the power of life and death." Proverbs 18:21

"All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me." Psalms 41:7

There are many more such verses, throughout God's Word, but I don't see these people living by these things, as much as they are judging, gossiping about, and defaming me, as well as other 'targets' of their wagging tongues who came here wanting a wonderful life, in a place that could, so easily, be experienced as being very close to 'Heaven on Earth'. It is a true tragedy, that 50, 60, 70 and even 80 year old people, both women and men, saw fit to bring the toxicity here. Do they not even realize how much this affects and diminishes THEIR OWN quality of life?

I was never bullied by anyone, in my entire life, until I arrived here, with my high hopes, and my moving boxes, and began being bossed around by a neighbor and bullied by her from my very first day here. Because I resisted both her controlling character and her intrusive interference, in my private life, which, frankly, was so over-the-top that I cried-- and cried out to God-- every day for the first couple of weeks, because of it, I began to avoid her. I had tried confronting this issue head on by speaking directly with her about it, because she was making me miserable!  I was even encouraged that we could overcome it, and get along well together, as she admitted to me that she had prayed about this very behavior of hers, and the Lord had told her, Himself, that she was doing this, to me, and should stop. Being unable or unwilling to put her energy behind behaving better, toward me, instead, she began to gossip, about me, and spread slanderous lies, about me. She would even pull people aside, that she saw getting to know me, or even befriending me, and tell them that they (the clique she helped form here whose members already ran off several people who moved here-- some moved out almost as soon as they were unpacked, because they concluded that, this was no way to live) didn't LIKE me, so this person SHOULDN'T EITHER. She boasted that she 'had the ear' of the manager and that he always asked her what her opinion was of the new residents which intimidated people 'not to cross her', because of this 'power' she claimed to have here. Several people have nervously whispered to me that they don't like it, that the clique 'runs this place', but that, they feel pressured, to 'go along, to get along' with the clique rather than risk being ostracized the way I and others have been. Grown women, including myself, when I asked for a meeting, about it, with the manager, have sat in the office IN TEARS, because of the awful impact, clique bullies, have had, on our lives. Some, fled, and others caved in, and joined them, rather than continue to be 'punished', for not doing so. One woman, that came to me, several times, deeply distressed by the bullying she was experiencing, whom  I always comforted, TURNED ON ME, after JOINING THEM! Can you IMAGINE that happening to YOU when you and she BOTH KNOW that you DIDN'T HAVE TO stick YOUR neck out, FOR HER, and AFTER YOU DID SO, to be COMPASSIONATE to her, SHE then turns on YOU? I have LIVED this here, among SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

I am a STRONG person, who has BEEN PUT THROUGH SO MUCH in my life. That's why, this blog, about my life, was given the title it has. I have been forced to face so much HEARTACHE. I always had a Desire Of My Heart, to own my own home-- but it was IMPOSSIBLE, for me! Just a few years, before, GOD DID THIS, for me-- made this MIRACLE HAPPEN, for me-- I had been in a homeless shelter. The Bible says that, "Nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). I trust God, TAKING HIM AT HIS WORD. Reminding Him, of His Word, assurances, and promises, to me, as His daughter in the faith, I CRIED OUT TO HIM, for what I have now-- this HOME, OF MY OWN!-- because I KNEW that I NEEDED IT! For me it WASN'T just a WANT. It was a genuine NEED, to have, more, peace, and privacy, in my life. I WATCHED GOD, DO THIS-- FOR ME! TO THIS DAY, I STILL get tears in my eyes, and start to cry, from sheer, AMAZEMENT, and GRATITUDE, that God GAVE ME this DESIRE OF MY HEART! My home is EVERYTHING I ever DREAMED of! I love it, SO MUCH! I've

been exhausted at times, by the physical, emotional, and mental demands placed on me, here, due to various aspects of my new and different lifestyle, but I am so HAPPY, with my life here. Despite, everything, MY HOME is well worth fighting for.

Even so I have been so saddened by things I have been subjected to by people at times, that I came perilously close to NOT SURVIVING IT ALL. I could give you so many examples of my trying to be supportive, and even protective, of the people here, that I deeply care about, and truly love.  As readers of my blog, you know I have even gone to great lengths to be as nondescript as possible while discussing the effects of individuals here, on me, and my life, while still trying to write about my life, here-- which these people became a part of, when I moved here, and are therefore also a part of my 'life story' now. I have been thrown under the bus, by the people that, I care about the most, here. Even in the face of my continuing to be protective and supportive of them! To say that, this, has hurt me, deeply, is an understatement. While I AM a very strong person, is some ways, I am ALSO VERY FRAGILE, in other ways, and having to go through some of the biggest heartbreak of my entire life here has left me broken in some ways, that make me much more vulnerable, now. When I was battling the despondency, that threatened to DO ME IN, just a few weeks ago, I sometimes wondered sadly if the people here that are treating me in some, very, disrespectful, and hurtful, ways would have felt even a little bit sad if I did not make it through that, or whether they would have actually been glad that I was gone; celebrating my being gone, however that came about.

We hear alot about the impact of bullies and such people on young people. As an adult, even a senior citizen, now, I felt like I could survive it because I know that  it really says ALOT more about the PEOPLE DOING IT than it says about the ones THEY TARGET to do this to. No ONE thing that anyone here has done to me could have ever driven me to the, deep, despair, that I finally fell into, due to my being worn down by the never-ending onslaught of this shit toward me that started my very first day here and has never really stopped, to this very day, almost 2 years later. If I told you all the things that grown up people have put me through here I GUARANTEE that you would be SHOCKED. Because this is MY HOME, and I DON'T WANT TO STOOP TO THIS LEVEL OF BEHAVIOR, I have continued to cover for the very people who DO THESE THINGS TO ME. The way I see it, GOD KNOWS about all of it, and the day WILL come that they will have to explain themselves to Him. The fact that it has ACTUALLY BEEN THE CHRISTIANS, who sit in church pews on Sunday, who have TREATED ME THE WORST, here, is HARD TO BELIEVE, I know. The Bible, tells us that, in the End Times, the love of many will grow cold. People will turn on those that we never thought they would. If it's THIS BAD NOW, I feel truly sorry for those who will still be on the Earth when ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

There is SO MUCH that I COULD say, but that I CONTINUE NOT TO SAY-- even to defend myself, in the face of all these lies, false accusations, and slander. I know that it may be hard to understand but I ACTUALLY LOVE ALL THESE PEOPLE. I do not LIKE some of them, but I TRULY CARE ABOUT THEM and WISH NO HARM ON THEM, in ANY way, at ANY time. I spend all my time-- mostly all alone, inside my beautiful house!-- trying, to LIVE IN PEACE, and AVOID, BEING VICTIMIZED, any more than I already am. I SHOULD be out walking, every day, for my cardio, and other health-related reasons (even if just for communing with Nature, in order to try to feel less stressed; at least, for awhile). I hesitate to do alot of things, here, that I wanted to do when I came here, because those things might expose me to more, criticism, and blame, for things that, I am NOT EVEN DOING! A part of me wants to flaunt my freedom to be out and about just being 'me', right in the face of these people who-- no matter, WHAT I DO, or DON'T DO-- ACCUSE ME of alot, and spread gossip about that, to add insult to injury. Some of the untrue rumors about me here have been so VICIOUS that they TOOK MY BREATH AWAY, when I finally heard about them. Often, my ONLY COMFORT has been that GOD KNOWS THE WHOLE TRUTH. Sometimes, a friend here risks being supportive of me, too, but other times they can't take being ostracized, for befriending me, and it ruins the friendship. I can't say that I blame them considering the price they are made to pay for even being seen talking to me here. It is JUST SO SAD-- for ALL of us. Including, those clique members that created this hateful and toxic environment.

 

It has created so much division, causing people to feel that, THEY HAVE TO TAKE SIDES, when most people say that, they don't even want to be dragged into this thing. As I said before, several people in a relatively short span of time who had been genuinely excited and enthusiastic about moving here, for the lifestyle that they believed they would find here, have already moved away, specifically citing, their needing to escape this crap for their own peace of mind. It undermines the joy, of living here, as well as, the serenity, of the environment, and the sense of safety, that is needed for peace of mind. WHY would GROWN UPS who are ALSO SENIOR CITIZENS, for the most part, even WANT to CREATE this, CATTY, PETTY,  TOXIC TONGUE-WAGGING, as THEIR OWN HOME? WHAT is the PAYOFF, for this?  It seems to me they wanted POWER AND CONTROL OVER THEIR ENVIRONMENT but EVERY person EVERY day gets out of bed (if they are lucky enough to still be alive) and CHOOSES what THEY are going to USE THEIR POWER FOR. ALL OF US HAVE PERSONAL POWER which we wield in whatever way we choose to make our own little corner of the world what it is. HOW, WE USE THAT, IS ENTIRELY, UP TO US. I have misused that personal power in ways that I should not have at times, but I have never decided to trash anyone's life including just for SPORT or SPITE as it seems people have done to their neighbors here. I had thought that I could be stronger, than to let them get to me so badly. But after, almost, two years, of

this shit, they have worn me down, so far, that I almost couldn't go on anymore.

God will hold them accountable for bullying me. They came VERY close to seeing the FULL EFFECT, of their personal power, ON ME, and, on MY LIFE, due to, HOW they have CHOSEN to use it. To their 'credit' it was even powerful enough to cost someone their WILL TO LIVE. I had to battle back from finally having a complete nervous breakdown, because of, how UNFAIRLY, and even, CRUELLY, I have been treated here, by so many that have, affinities for, and affiliations with, the clique members. My main motivations, that I used, to WILL MYSELF TO SURVIVE, were the fact that, I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that THIS HOME is GOD'S WILL FOR ME, and His Word, promises me, in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you, and not  to  harm  you, plans to give you hope and a future." The other thing, that kept me going, until I recovered my equilibrium enough that, I knew, that I would be alright, now, was my sheer, clenched teeth, DETERMINATION that I would NOT give these, hateful, people the satisfaction (or, the devil in them, either!). How, they have chosen, to treat ME, and OTHER people here, has NOTHING TO DO WITH God. They can tell themselves that, but holy scripture DOES NOT BACK THAT UP. It is a 'RELIGIOUS spirit'-- NOT GOD'S SPIRIT-- that causes them to believe it is actually God's Will, to, deliberately, try to destroy someone's quality of life, because they can't stand the speck, in that person's eye, while they IGNORE the BEAM in THEIR OWN eye.

 

After I started to feel stronger and steadier, with the help of the people that know and care about me who are my support system, I created profiles for what I hope to find in a man, on, two, online dating sites. The response to both has truly been overwhelming! It has helped to heal my badly damaged self-esteem, to see how I am so sought after by so many men who do not live here to be affected by all the gossip, rumors, and even outright lies that are told about me in this community. I have come close to meeting five of these men in person already but I am focused on finding what I want more than my being what they want, when the two things are not matching up, well enough, so far, causing me to decide not to meet them, after all, but to keep looking for someone closer to the man I hope to find for me. Finding a comforting companion will go a long way toward stopping some rumors about me, here, that are no longer true, and some that were never true from the start. It isn't easy to find a good man in my age group that is still single. Many of the men have been dumped and divorced by their wives. Some are widowed. The online dating scene can be daunting, and even dangerous, but after everything, I have been subjected to here, in this community, it seems like a much better idea than doing any socializing here where the Get Togethers and Meet And Greets are opportunities for the residents to see and hear even more things to spread gossip about. The little I have heard about it, since I don't go to those, here, has caused me to cringe. I have not been the only one here targeted by the clique mentality. Others describe trying to attend those events, to meet their neighbors, but being too traumatized to risk exposing themselves again, to the cold shoulders and the haughty once-overs they were subjected to when they did attend. I can't think of anything that I would rather avoid more than a social get-together that I know is going to feel like, I deliberately placed myself in 'enemy territory'. I don't need it.

I finally decided that I would address the rumors about me here, since they are already spread far and wide throughout the community that I live in and not by me. Therefore, why shouldn't I also be able to discuss them, and which are lies.

MOST, of the RUMORS, LIES, HALF-TRUTHS, and GOSSIP, told, about me, come from people who claim to be churchgoing Christians who are Bible Thumpers**. They, either, don't KNOW, or don't CARE, that those things-- that, THEY DO, TO ME-- ARE SINS. I DON'T SEE 'JESUS', in ANY, of that, but, THEY, put ME, down.

 

I keep entirely to myself about 95% of the time, yet I still have so many things said, and spread, about me. Without going into details, about who said what, in these rumors about me which are often exaggerations, and some are even pure fiction, people have said that I have been OUTSIDE NAKED. (NOT TRUE.) It has been said that I accused someone on staff of rape. (NOT TRUE.) [By the way, it

so happens that, I have been COMPLETELY CELIBATE, for more than 25 YEARS, now, making that rumor really ridiculous!] The rumor that I had a serious crush  on a man here USED TO BE TRUE, but not for about A YEAR NOW, and that was actually very short-lived largely because of how badly he treated me because of  it. He was my 'role model' for finding 'a good man' for awhile, until I realized he was continuing to talk badly about me, to several people, in a way that affected their relationships with me, in a problematic way. CLEARLY, people who actually CARE about you DON'T DO THAT, and I realized that, I had given him WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT, which I stopped doing, then. Because I chose to be polite and to  be pleasant, when I did interact with him, he continued, to say the things about me, which negatively affected other peoples' opinions of me. He seems to enjoy subjecting me to public disrespect and ridicule by him, if I am anywhere around him. So, for quite a while now I do all I can to avoid him altogether. He has just not seemed to ever realize that, I am just being polite. When he speaks to me I have responded in a cordial manner. Sometimes, someone's ego does not allow them to accept the facts. There is alot more I could say about it or any of these rumors people here spread about me but I will leave it there because this is my home, and despite everything, I CARE about ALL the people here, and have NO desire to hurt THEM; even though they have chosen to HURT ME in many ways. This particular man, will forever have my gratitude, for the good things, that he brought to my life; in between, the awful ways, he treats me, in front of others.

One rumor about me is TRUE. I called 911, due to the clique members, because they came to the door of my home-- knowing before they did that, they weren't welcome, because of all the other awful ways they have treated me here-- and I did not even have their sign here in my home, which they ALSO knew, because I had removed their sign-- from MY yard-- and taken it to the manager's office for them to get from him. I DID THAT in an EFFORT to AVOID A CONFRONTATIONAL SCENE with these people which THEY were DETERMINED was GOING to HAPPEN anyway, because their GANGING UP ON ME and OUTNUMBERING ME made them BOLD, and EVEN MEANER TO ME. When they showed up AT MY HOME and began POUNDING ON MY DOOR-- including, ON THE DOOR GLASS-- I was not about to OPEN the door. NOTHING, could have COME OF THAT, but a SCENE which had no real PURPOSE except to try to FURTHER INTIMIDATE AND BULLY ME. They KNEW  I was ALL ALONE inside my home. As distressing as it was to me, that they were doing this, I still waited for about 10 minutes or more of them POUNDING on my door BEFORE I called 911 because it was clear to me that they were not going to stop. I HAD EVERY RIGHT, to NOT OPEN MY DOOR, but THEY weren't GIVING me that right. Someone being polite about it would have knocked once or twice, and realizing you weren't going to come to the door for whatever reason, would have left the premises. NOT these CLIQUE members. One of them is the same woman who started harassing and bullying me from MY FIRST DAY HERE. They KEPT ON POUNDING on my door, until I truly feared they would BREAK THE GLASS, of the lengthy window in the door, and unlock the door then, to let themselves come in.

Is it illegal to knock on your neighbor's door?

Yes. It's called harassment. You absolutely can be arrested for that, and charged with trespassing, disturbing the peace, harassment or disorderly conduct.
 

What constitutes harassment from a neighbor?

Knocking on your door to pester you, or approaching you when you go outside, to do the same.

Smirking at you, laughing at you, or staring you down whenever you leave your property or get home, or walk or drive past them.

Spreading malicious gossip about you to the other neighbors to try and isolate you, or encouraging other neighbors they’re friendly with to be hostile towards you or mess with you in some way.

They might claim that you’re harassing THEM.

Just generally monitoring everything you do, or you feel as though you’re being monitored by them.

If you feel that you never live in peace at your property, or dread coming home, you’re probably being harassed.

Do I have to answer the door?

Citizens are not required to answer the door.

I had the 911 Operator STAY ON THE LINE WITH ME, because it was EXTREMELY DISTRESSING AND TRAUMATIZING TO ME. All told, they POUNDED ON MY DOOR for a SOLID HALF HOUR OR MORE. They only, finally, STOPPED when the DEPUTY arrived on scene. Even so, he made light of it, in his report-- despite it fitting the standard LEGAL definition of HARASSMENT, which IS A CRIME; and the manager, tried to say that, I wasn't 'REALLY' UPSET, by being subjected to that, to which, I told him-- several, times-- to GET THE 911 TAPE, and LISTEN TO IT. He didn't DO that, because the Sheriff's department employee, who provided ME with copies of the DISMISSIVE deputy's report, which said my 911 Call was "UNFOUNDED", and the FULL audio recording of my 911 Call, that awful evening, told me, they would

have a record, of anyone asking for these things, and that, I WAS THE ONLY ONE who had EVER requested them. My heart sank to hear that, because the manager had 'made light' of what I was going through in that situation, saying to me more than once, with an amused look on his face, something like, "WERE YOU, REALLY, AFRAID for your safety that you needed to call 911?" EVERY TIME I replied to him "GET THE TAPE! LISTEN, TO THE TAPE!" At first, he said, he could get it. Then, he told me that, he found out, he couldn't get it. I waited for 8 months to even try to get those records, for myself, BECAUSE HE made it SOUND like it was DIFFICULT, to IMPOSSIBLE, to DO. It turns out that ANYONE COULD GET THOSE RECORDS, I was told, and all they had to do was what I did. Fill out a form online and wait for them to be emailed at no cost. I got them 2 days or less after filling out the form.

 

It was hard for me to sit through that recording, hearing my fear and anxiety, SO CLEARLY, on that tape, from last Fall. It was TRULY INSULTING to read the report, the deputy filed about the incident, indicating that my 911 Call wasn't for a GOOD REASON. The audio file is easy to share, if I choose to, because, it is an email. So far, I sent it to one friend, who said that THEY could HEAR the FEAR and ANXIETY in my voice, throughout the call that DOCUMENTED the ORDEAL, I was subjected to. Hearing what I went through made them both sad and angry. I thought about, sending it to the manager, that belittled my feelings, about that incident, and told me, he couldn't get the recording. But he has shown me so much disrespect in so many ways, so many times, that I knew it really wouldn't matter, if he heard it or not. He dismisses ALOT of what I think and feel. It is clear he doesn't respect me. 

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered. (Proverbs 11:13 ESV)

I would REALLY LIKE to ACTUALLY SEE 'JESUS' in THESE PEOPLE, FOR A CHANGE, that have PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH HERE. The ones that CLAIM to BELONG TO HIM, anyway. One of the men involved in starting the worst rumor about me here once gave me the name of his pastor and told me to watch that spiritual leader of his preach online. People have told me to do that, before, about the churches and pastors they are associated with, and frankly I rarely follow through because they don't impress me much as representatives of the church or pastor they tell me to watch. Because, I respected THIS man, at the time, I DID, look up HIS pastor, on the internet, and watch. He treated me badly, several times, after that, though. I NEVER TOLD A SOUL something VERY PERSONAL that HE told me about someone in his own family because I had no idea if it was private information that he didn't want to go public with, or be gossiped about, and it wasn't my place to tell. Later,  I learned that he had actually told people here about it very freely and openly but it WAS his news to tell, and HE MADE THAT DECISION. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE. I was shocked, hurt, and deeply disappointed, when this same, 'Christian' man told SEVERAL PEOPLE here, that I KNOW OF, GOSSIP about ME, including, things that got spun into a story that was outrageously defaming of me (the rape accusation rumor), which HE started with ANOTHER 'Christian' (who is a clique member), by badmouthing me together, for something that happened that was actually not my fault, but was the manager's fault, and his fault, which I won't expound on, here. It has been the CHRISTIANS here that have said the worst things, about me, and they know, that, I am, also, a Christian. They need to focus on THEIR OWN SINS. Come Judgement Day, GOD isn't going to ASK THEM about MY SINS, but THEIRS. A friend recently told me, someone started a Bible Study, here, but just based on 

my personal experiences, with the 'Christians' here, I have NO desire to GO to it.

By the way, I thought about embedding the audio recording of my 911 Call here, in this blog post, but it includes, specific, information about my location. Despite my being, 'thrown under the bus', to protect themselves, at my expense, and all the things people say, about me, here, including, things that slander and defame me, and really deeply hurt me, I TRULY CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, and I have no desire to treat THEM like they have treated me. I have tried to be HELPFUL to them, and even, a BLESSING, to them, in the ways, that I can. I am doing much better, now, mentally, and emotionally, than I was a few weeks ago.  During that complete breakdown I suffered, I didn't even have it in me to BRUSH MY HAIR. I had to start taking a sleeping pill each night to be able to sleep. I'm gaining back the weight that I dropped because I could barely eat. I lost about 10 pounds due to that, and I am a slender size 6 who should NEVER be LOSING WEIGHT if I can help it. It TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME to SURVIVE when I had that breakdown and EVEN WITH ALL THAT, I STILL almost did not make it. That is SO SAD, because I CHERISH LIFE, despite how DIFFICULT it has often been for me in so many ways.

But, by the GRACE OF GOD and the patient SUPPORT of A FRIEND I RECOVERED from the nervous breakdown I had here, just a few weeks ago, that nearly drove me to commit suicide. I LOVE LIFE-- and, believe it or not, I love my life HERE. I have just been SUBJECTED TO SO MUCH since I came here, that it finally caused me to have a mental and emotional breakdown, from the 'BULLCRAP OVERLOAD'.

 

I'm SO GLAD I RECOVERED, and am dancing and singing and baking, and feeling like myself again! I have blog readers in 63 countries, now. Because, I feel a real responsibility, to the readers of this blog, which is about my life, and is especially about the 'dark nights of the soul' that I have had to survive, throughout my life,  I want you to know that I would never simply stop writing my blog posts without telling you I was going to do that and why. The only way there would cease to be posts, otherwise, is if something unforeseen happened, that is out of my control, that prevented me from writing any more posts. If it's in my power and ability to tell you, what is happening, with me, I will ALWAYS let you know. You have come alongside me, through my blogging about my life, to share my life's pilgrimage. I want to you to know that YOU MATTER TO ME and I CHERISH YOUR PRESENCE in my life. I will never just 'leave you hanging' to wonder whatever happened to me.

I had a FAITHFUL BLOG READER in Portugal, for more than 2 years, after I began publishing these ongoing installments of my life story online. I saw them show up in my STATS page, month after month, post after post. Of course, all, I could see was their country, listed there. I started, looking for them, there, after I put each post online. Always smiling to myself, and feeling comforted, when they appeared in my stats. That reader, and one in Germany-- who is STILL WITH ME HERE, had always been my most faithful readers, besides, those that are here, in the United States. Then Covid came, and spread throughout the world, putting ALL OF US at risk. Each time I posted something to my blog, I would PRAY that my readers are all still alive and well. I would check the Stats data for my blog, feeling reassured when I saw the countries show up that represented my usual readers. I breathed  a sigh of real relief. I wanted them to be safe, and well! Then, Portugal, suddenly stopped showing up. I checked and checked and checked again. One month, Two months, Three months, . . . . A whole year. . . . Then, two years. NO, PORTUGAL. 

That country never showed up in my stats again. I NEVER KNEW what happened.  I PRAYED for them-- that they were ALRIGHT. That they were SAFE. Maybe, they MOVED, to another country, I told myself. I even hoped, they had simply, tired of reading about my life. ANYTHING, except my fear that they caught Covid and did not survive. I even thought maybe they were elderly and just passed away of old age. I JUST DON'T KNOW, what HAPPENED to THAT person in PORTUGAL. I doubt  I will EVER know, in this life. I don't want to EVER LEAVE MY READERS HANGING, WONDERING, WHAT BECAME OF ME. That is why I will always TELL YOU, if I can.  I AM STILL HERE, and I am glad that YOU are STILL HERE, with me. THANK YOU!

         

*Nervous breakdown - Nervous breakdown is a term used to describe symptoms of intense mental and emotional distress, which is most often due to a sudden or prolonged period of stress. It is a mental health crisis which is usually brought on by severe depression, stress or anxiety, and is mostly characterized by extremely impairing feelings, that overwhelm the person having the breakdown, and render them unable to concentrate, or make decisions. They feel like, they have reached rock bottom emotionally. They cannot function in their day-to-day life, even to do the most basic tasks, during, this-- potentially, life-threatening-- mental collapse. They feel burned out; and may have sudden outbursts of uncontrollable anger or crying because of their struggle to cope. They are in a very fragile frame of mind.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-nervous-breakdown-4172381
"Sometimes this stress is chronic, and seems to build up over time, until a person simply cannot cope anymore. In other cases, crisis situations can trigger an acute period of intense distress that leads to symptoms of a breakdown."

The most common signs that someone is having a mental breakdown are:

Hopelessness.
Thoughts of suicide.
Sense of worthlessness.
Unable to sleep.
Lacking appetite.
Inability to focus.
Severe disappointment with their life.

**Bible Thumper - One who uses the Bible to attack/defame others character instead of as a guide to proper living.