It Is What It Is: This Is My Final Blog Post

This is my final blog post. There are several reasons for this, including that I have concluded over the course of the six years that I have written these posts that the 'ascent' which I have hoped for, and strived for, could very likely never happen. At least, not to the extent that would even make it something worth writing about. I started this blog in 2019, and this is my 101st post. That number represents a lot of hours of soul searching, dark confessions, slim hopes and lots of tears from the heartbreak that I've grappled with and am trying to heal from, for most of my life.

Many of you may recall my struggling with the decision about whether to continue to blog, and if so, how often. My reasons for that ranged from my having physical pain from carpal tunnel type symptoms, when I was originally attempting to write very lengthy, detailed, posts, every week, to my moving, to where I am now, and feeling frustrated, because I feel that I can't write openly about much of what I'm experiencing now, because it is my present circumstances, rather than past ones, that the majority of my posts are about. There are several reasons that I feel that I can't write more details about a lot of people and things affecting me here, from my own personal safety to the fact that these blog posts are read by people in 70 countries now, and the people who are in my life, in, any, way-- whether they are affecting my life in good or bad ways-- have a reasonable expectation to live their own lives without things being said about them on the internet 'for all the world to see'. Believe me, the temptation, at times, for me to do a 'Tell All' about, some, of these people, was real. Especially, when they have pissed me off! But, I didn't use this blog to do that, even though some of them may feel that I did at times. I told the truth about my own life, which includes, anything, and anyone, in my life, that has had an impact on it in any meaningful or lasting way. I was very honest about what I shared here, even when it revealed some ugly truth about me and things I have done which, I wish, I could undo. Because of that candor, this blog is able to describe who I am, for better and for worse, and my posts can answer almost any question that someone has about me of any importance. It really is, my life story, up until it ends with this post. Whatever does or doesn't happen, to and for me, in the future, will never be revealed here, now. Not even significant developments in my life, should those ever occur. Given, my past, my age, and my situation I must conclude at this point that, the odds of my dreams coming true aren't in my favor.

                                               

Why am I deciding to definitely stop writing this now? I have already shared some of the reasons that I have considered doing this, in my previous posts, but there's one overarching reason that was the deciding factor for me, after my ambivalence about ending my blog. It goes all the way back to what I chose to call my blog, in 2019, as I began this journaling journey: "Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections". I just got tears in my eyes typing that, because it hints at a feeling of optimism, a determination, in my mindset, and, maybe, just, deep, faith-- that I still had, back then-- that, somehow, God would make a way, where there seemed to be no way, or perhaps a miracle would be imparted to me by the Universe, which would finally fulfill the deepest desires of my very human heart. I am actually a realist at my core, though, and I just don't see that ever happening.

I am battle-scarred and very burned out, but I have some sense of pride that I've at least 'survived' everything that I've been through, in my life, however torn and tattered I am by it all. The dark night of the soul has surely taken a toll on me but what has led to my decision to stop blogging about my life is my acknowledgment that, even the best of what has happened to and for me can't be considered to be any significant 'ascent' that would deliver me out of the dark, and into the light of all the love and laughter that I have dreamed about, and prayed for, for so long. I do tell God that, I know, He is good to me, in so many ways, for which I am truly, deeply, grateful. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and even though I will spend it alone, by choice-- given the other available alternatives, which were not anything that's particularly appealing to me-- because of the Covid virus, among other things-- I am well aware that, I am so blessed, in so many ways. It is my being deprived of or denied a fulfilling romantic relationship that gets me down, the most, though. I am a passionate person (and frankly, a very 'horny' one), so being celibate for 26 years, and counting, at this point, has been extremely frustrating, and unfulfilling, for me. I make regular use of my vibrators, and they serve me very well. But I've wanted to do things, with a man, that I just can't do with a machine. That is what I'm missing most, in my life. Just because the hair turns gray on the outside does not mean there is any diminishing of, 'the fire in the furnace', within, so to speak!

My sense of humor, even about disappointments and deprivations, is what carries me through, many times, when I have no alternative but to laugh or cry, so I will share some of that with you regarding this otherwise hopeless-seeming situation.  I wrote about John Noble, AKA 'JDaddy74' online, in a previous post. Whenever I watch one of his videos-- especially, the ones with his shirt off-- it just makes me smile. (I love a hairy chest on a man!) His facial features don't appeal to me, but  I put a photo of him in a black hat and no shirt on my large desktop computer as my lock screen background. So, every day, I smile to myself, because while I am turning on my computer, it is TURNING ME ON, too! (The photo is below.) It gets even better, though! I ALSO, made this photo the lock screen background for my smartphone, so every time I need to unlock my phone, I have to stroke his body somewhere, with my finger, to do that. The available 'choices' are ALL delightful, and delicious, for me! Umm, umm, UMM! (I am SMILING, really BIG, right now!)

    

 John Noble, AKA JDaddy74 

Some sombersome situations have happened, though, which are things that I can find nothing funny about, at all. This past Saturday, I got an email from my sister, saying that Dad died, on September 10th of this year. If you read my posts about him, and our relationship, then you will know that, I was No Contact with him, for many years, and I vowed that I would not attend his funeral when he didn't allow me to be at my brother Mike's funeral after he committed suicide by gun. I was in Omaha, Nebraska and wasn't to blame in any way for Mike's death in Greensboro, North Carolina. My mother, sent me, ONE, very small, color, photo, of my brother, lying in his casket. That was all my family shared with me, in the whole situation, and there was absolutely no reason, for it. I have no issue, whatsoever, with Pam not telling me about Dad's death sooner. I was fine with that. I felt nothing, about his passing, because he really never engaged in a relationship with me even while I spent 18 years growing up in his house. He spent so much time watching TV. He would glare at me scornfully, or snap at me angrily, if I dared, to interrupt that, in any way. He was a fearsome figure in the household, that had a chilling effect. We all make choices in life, and those have consequences. Both my parents are gone, now, but they were already long gone from my life for years due to their behavior toward me causing me to go No Contact. My mother was actually a narcissist and my dad was an absentee father-- even when, he was in the same house with me. Neither of them were affirming or affectionate toward me. These people were not what I would call a 'loving' family. It wasn't a warm, nurturing, safe-feeling home.

It could be argued that they showed love in their own way but it was often hurtful and harmful, and I finally went No Contact, to try, to heal, from the damage, and destructiveness, of how they treated me. NO love, can be better than BAD love. I did what I had to do, to survive the dysfunction in that family. I wish, it had been different-- better-- for all of us. My sister Pam, who was the youngest member of my family of origin, once told me that, after the rest of us were grown and gone, she had to intervene to break up physical fights between our parents. How awful for her! When I was very little, their fights escalated into, physical, violence also, which was genuinely terrifying to me as a small child that depended on these two grownups for my very survival; traumatizing me in ways I never recovered from. My son, Jay, once chastised me that I 'made my mother cry', though. My mother and father made sure to undermine my relationship with my son which led to my heartbreaking decision to transfer his custody to his father and stepmother, to be raised by them, the rest of the way, after I had been the only one caring for him, 24/7, after he was born, while his dad was too busy socializing to bother with it. I contacted my son after he was grown, and HE made ME cry, by disrespecting me!

I chose to be SELFLESS, in order to give him the BEST possible life he could have. I had never even wanted to have any kids because I was so afraid that the family dysfunction would cause my relationship with any kids of my own to become toxic as well. Ironically, that is exactly what happened, anyway, due to the way that my family portrayed me. As my son grew up, he heard that, I was the black sheep, of the family (their SCAPEGOAT, actually, to keep any focus off THEIR OWN sins). He bought into it, and after he and I had remained close for several years of his early childhood, he ultimately cut off his relationship with me for no reason that he ever gave me, when he was in his early 20s. I reached out to him when he was around 38 years old, but he clearly did not want a relationship with me, so I let it go. But, I messaged him, again, this year, just to send my condolences, when I saw online that his stepmother, who had raised him with his father, had passed away, in May of this year. I sent a sympathy card to Jim, as well, but, neither one of them ever acknowledged, or responded to, that. I wrote something on my Facebook account about Linnea when she passed though that shows who I am and MY HEART about it. I'm copying & pasting that below, for you to see. This is what I said about her:

"Deborah Robinson

June 8

I came across a post indicating that my son's stepmother passed away, less than a month ago.

Linnea was without a doubt THE BEST HUMAN BEING that I have EVER KNOWN in my life!

She was technically his stepmother because I gave birth to my son, but I transferred his custody to his father, my ex-husband, Jim Carlin, after telling him that I REALLY LIKED HER, and that I would give him custody of our son Jay IF HE MARRIED LINNEA. They married soon after.

I JUST KNEW that SHE was SOMEONE SPECIAL, and would be a great influence on both Jim and our baby boy Jay. It was the best possible resolution of a bad situation. (Jim had only married me because I unexpectedly became pregnant, which neither of us had planned on, or really wanted.)

While I was in the process of divorcing Jim, I suggested that he spend his evenings teaching ballroom dance instead of just going out. He was a career Air Force officer at the time, but I had seen a job ad in the paper for Ballroom Dance Instructors, and he already had that training. He took my advice, and THAT is how HE MET LINNEA. They fell in love before our divorce was even final. HE NEEDED HER, and SHE NEEDED HIM. They were PERFECT FOR ONE ANOTHER!

IT NEARLY KILLED ME to LET GO of MY GUYS that I LOVED SO MUCH, but I knew IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD DO FOR JIM AND JAY, AND THEIR HAPPINESS, and I WAS RIGHT!

Because Linnea was THE PERFECT MOTHER for Jay, after THEY had BEEN A FAMILY for a while, and I could see that IT WAS INDEED GOING VERY WELL, I told her that I wanted to give my parental rights to Jay up, for her to be able to adopt Jay as her own son.

Ironically, I had a baby, but never wanted to do that, because I was afraid my family's dysfunction would make me a bad mother, but SHE was the PERFECT mother-figure who was never able to have her own children to raise. She did adopt Jay, so in the eyes of the law I HAVE NO SON, and she and Jim adopted a Korean girl while Jim was stationed there in the Air Force. They did have a baby girl of their own, but she died during childbirth, as I understand it. LIFE IS TRULY ODD, WITH HOW THINGS GO, AT TIMES.

She had not asked me to legally give up my son to her, because she was so compassionate, including toward me, and she KNEW how HARD THAT WOULD BE for me to do. But, after I approached her about it, because it was [the] best thing for Jay, and for them, traveling the world with Jim in the service, she and I went to a judge TOGETHER, to get it done, which floored the judge, who had not seen that kind of mutual love and supportiveness between an ex-wife and the new wife, before. Then we made a copy of the decree that would fit into a picture frame, and surprised Jim with that, for a Christmas gift, because he had told her that I would not ever do that because of how deeply I loved my son. It was BECAUSE I LOVED JAY that I WANTED TO DO THAT.

But, EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I did it because LINNEA WAS WORTH IT.

She was one of those people that BLESSES EVERYBODY SHE MEETS. She was gracious, caring, compassionate, loving. All the time. To everyone. She was a better person, BY FAR, than I will EVER be, and Jim was LUCKY to HAVE HER.

So, I know that Jim is enduring the biggest loss of his life, right now. They had over 40 AMAZING years TOGETHER, HAPPILY MARRIED. She was the BEST thing that EVER happened to him, I am sure. In some ways, she was the best thing to ever happen to ME, too.

I ADMIRED HER SO MUCH! I have tears filling my eyes as I write this post. She was a great lady in every way. I miss her, too."

Neighborly - Characteristic of a good neighbor, especially helpful, friendly, or kind.

The overt disrespect, that neighbors of mine, who have affiliated themselves with this clique against me here, have shown me, has been so, over-the-top, at times, that I find it hard to fathom that its perpetrated by people in their 50s - 80s! The neighbor next door actually took her leaf blower that she had finally, temporarily, turned off because I was attempting to speak to her, and deliberately blasted me in the face with it at very close range. She doesn't think I deserve basic respect!

The management had graciously hired professional landscapers, to come remove the leaves on the lots, and the crew had just come through with a team of 3 men with leaf blowers, who had blown all the leaves out onto the paved street in front of the houses here, in order to come back through with a large suction hose, and remove them all. Management had sent us all an email, outlining what to expect, and what to do and not to do, so this day would go smoothly for the landscapers.

[Below is part of the email, sent to all residents, about the leaf removal process. Although our management emailed it to us, it was provided by the landscapers.]

"They will NOT be able to remove leaves from porches, roofs, fenced areas or flower beds in yards
-Homeowners should NOT pile leaves on their own - piles hide things that can damage [the] machines and they will need to blow leaves in such a way that their machine is able to pick them up.
-They will NOT get every leaf. Sometimes people have the misconception that every leaf will be gone when they leave. They project that they will remove 80% to 90% of the leaves that are on the ground when they arrive."

The crew which had just come through apparently did not remove a high enough percentage of the leaves for my neighbor to be satisfied, so, she disregarded the information, and guidance, from the email, and started blowing leaves from HER flower bed into MY yard, which had just been prepped by the men who would be coming back through very soon to vacuum up the leaves they had just blown out onto the street. This neighbor is ALWAYS so DISRESPECTFUL to me that I dislike EVER engaging with her; but fair is fair, so I had first stayed up on my porch and simply used my pointer finger to motion to her to blow the leaves onto the street with all the others. Because her leaf blower is so loud I was not SAYING anything to her. She goes out of her way to demonstrate her disrespect of me, any chance she gets, though, so she glared at me and motioned to her EAR that she couldn't HEAR me. She goes to ridiculous lengths, like that, to make things as difficult for me as possible, whenever I have to deal with her, and this is just one example of that, since I wasn't SAYING anything AT ALL, for her to HEAR. I merely motioned toward the pile of leaves out on the street that she had just seen the landscaping crew put there, to, literally, point out that it was where the new pile that she was blowing out of her flower bed onto my lot now should be blown to by her instead.

She was now just beside my porch steps, as she ignored me standing right there on my porch, and she continued creating this new pile of leaves ON MY LOT, NOT HERS; completely disregarding what I was properly indicating that she should be doing instead, per the guidelines we were all given about it. So, I went inside my house and got my leaf rake, and I went back out and raked up her pile of leaves, putting them with the pile on the street. Despite my doing that, to make it easier for the workmen doing the job, she kept on, blowing more leaves from her flower bed directly toward my house and onto my lot, rather than to the street. She has heard me say that I always try to avoid being around leaf blowers because of the potential to damage my hearing. (My hearing was damaged, in one ear, when my last husband struck me on the side of the head, to where I was only able to open my mouth slightly, to spoon in liquids, for nourishment, for days, afterward. So, I am protective of my remaining hearing, and try to keep it from being damaged, if I can possibly prevent that from happening.) I assure you that, this neighbor was deliberately baiting me by everything that she was doing in this situation, while I was standing right there, watching her disrespect me and the workmen that way, as I became more and more frustrated, at how anyone could be so unnecessarily hostile to their next-door neighbor. (This, is the same, neighbor, by the way, that went to management behind my back to ask them if she could plant a tree-- that SHE ALREADY BOUGHT-- on MY lot, so that she would not even have to discuss it with me! She CLEARLY knew that was wrong to do to me in the first place, or she would never have TRIED to handle it that way. Can you imagine? I could not ever  do the things she has done to me to any neighbor, or to anyone else. Fortunately, that time, the manager did the right thing, by telling her that, she had to ask me, and I said no, because she already chose how to landscape her own lot, including by having her flower bed jut over into some of my lot, as it is, without, consulting me, and I pay just as much every month, for my lot, as she does, for hers. Unlike her, I am not asking for more than my fair share; but I am asking for what is fair, and I have a reasonable expectation of being able to develop my own landscaping for my lot without being denied that right and privilege because of her selfishness and greed. I have never tried to take advantage of her or of any other neighbor--

NOR WOULD I!

                                                   

Such horrible behavior, as she and the other clique bitches have done toward me here, is galling, to me! There are many ongoing instances, of this neighbor doing such things to me. When I have tried to be civil to her, she has merely continued to undermine me in every possible way, and when I catch her at it she lies to my face. Her deep disrespect of me is palpable. Since she lives next door to me, she does anything she can to undermine, and irritate, and disenfranchise, me, of my rights and privileges as a resident here. Her behavior disrupts, and destroys, my peace, and privacy, also. She has greatly diminished my quality of life that I had here before she moved in. There's just no way I can get along with such people, who care nothing about, being respectful, fair or truthful. Having her living right next door to me is emotionally excruciating at this point. She is evil, toward me. 

The day that I am describing here now, I had already tried-- twice-- to get her to stop blowing those leaves onto my lot instead of out to the pile on the street that  was only a few feet away at most, from where she continued to do this. She tries to damage my reputation as all of the clique-affiliated people here try hard to do, which is extremely distressing to me because it distorts how people here think of me, and therefore, it affects how they treat me, even if they are not in the clique themselves. My reputation matters to me! What she was doing now, with blowing her leaves onto my lot, was also intended to do that because clearly it would also make it appear to the landscapers that I WAS THE ONE who did not respect them enough to follow the directions they had provided us through our management to make this large task go as smoothly for them as possible by resident cooperation and compliance. Had her pile of leaves been left in my yard, they would likely see that as something that I did, when they came back, to vacuum up their prepared leaf pile on the street, right in front of our houses. After I raked her leaves out to the street, I stood face-to-face, with her, again, to try to get her to stop, because she continued doing it even after all this. I confronted her directly and with a very frustrated look on my face, I told her to blow them toward the street! This time, I WAS articulating this to her, and this time, she had, briefly, stopped, her loud leaf blower, just long enough to sneer, at me, and say, "GROW UP!" Then, she pointed her leaf blower upward, right at my face at very close range, and blasted my face with it. Shocked at such treatment of me-- and for no good reason whatsoever!--  I exclaimed "Bitch!", as I finally lost my temper, and I told her to "STOP!" Seeing that she had pushed me to exactly where she wanted me, she then, simply, said, what she should have said from the beginning, which was, "Okay", as she began blowing the rest of the leaves from her lot out onto the street. It blows my mind that anyone acting like she does toward me would say "Grow up", to ME, when I am not the one of the two of us that is behaving in these ways that she is. There  is nothing "grown up" about the ways she has behaved toward, and about, me. I have either done things of good will toward my neighbors, or nothing at all. But I have never behaved anything like these shameful things that they do toward me.

Management provided a beautifully done Thanksgiving-themed appreciation meal for the residents earlier this month, but I didn't go. I saw pictures from it though, and it was lovely. I vacillated between, going, or not going. They held it outdoors, under an open tent, so my Covid concerns would have been somewhat alleviated, which was thoughtful of them. I decided the day before that, I would try to go. (I just teared up as I began recalling that day, and all I was feeling.) When I moved here in the midst of the pandemic, I was very afraid of catching Covid, so I didn't go to any of the social events here. When the clique defamation of me began, the gossip and lies about me were absolutely awful. The rumors they started, were so shocking that I couldn't imagine how anyone claiming to be a Christian could have started that campaign against me. It hurt to see so many people here believe the things they heard, even when they had never even met me or gotten to know me for themselves. I could tell who had succumbed to the toxic tongue wagging since those people avoided me in a very obvious way. My other next-door neighbor who is in her 80s used to put her hand up beside her face in order to avoid the sight of me, and would walk by me very fast, from the moment that she moved in. It was odd and ridiculous behavior, that came from whatever pure bullcrap the 'so-called Christian' clique leader, that started this shit, on my very first day living here, had said to her, about me, when she befriended this woman. It seemed to me like she was competing with me for friends and that she was determined to do all that she could to make sure that I didn't have ANY, because I resisted her trying to control me, when I first moved here; politely, but firmly. Her smear campaign against me gave me a lot of extra crap to have to deal with, that I didn't need, and created a very steep uphill climb for me to try to make, any, real, friends, here. It was both calculated and cruel. I did try, but the spread of this malicious gossip was just too pervasive, and poisoned people against me. So, I mostly gave up, and just stayed in my house and kept to myself 99% of the time. The resident appreciation dinner this month would have been the very first event that I had ever attended here but the stress-- of trying to overcome my anxiety about it-- proved to be too much to cope with, and in the end, although, I could see, the tent, and hear, the voices, of the attendees, from my house, I stayed home, and felt sad. My eyes have tears in them now, just recalling how hard that day was for me. I had really wanted to go!

Not Crazy

They tell others that I'm crazy.

That's just another lie,

They use to shift the the focus,

And be their alibi.

These bitches have been trouble

From the very start.

Spreading ugly rumors

That really broke my heart.

It was a warm day, especially, for this time of year, and the weather was sunny. I saw some people wearing shorts! The photographs that I saw showed a beautiful banquet had been prepared. There were long tables and chairs for people, in and around the tent. It was so thoughtful of management to go to all this trouble and expense to show their appreciation of the residents here. I often don't sleep very well, anymore, for various reasons, which makes me so tired that, I am not good company to anyone then. This had also been the case for several days before the event, but the night before, I prayed, and asked God to, please, help me to get a solid night's sleep because I had decided that I would try to attend after all. That night, I slept straight through the night, which I almost never do, anymore (even  if it's just because I have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom), and I was so amazed and excited by that! I had even gone to bed early for me, as I am normally a 'night owl', and stay up quite late. God seemed to be answering all my prayers, to help me to go to this get-together for the community that I moved to, just over 3 years ago now. I was nervous, but, I was excited, too. I got up earlier than I usually do because of going to bed earlier, and I showered and shampooed my hair, and began to choose an outfit to get ready to go. But, the closer it got to the time for the event, the more my anxiety increased, until it got a little past the start time, and I was still home, really, struggling, by then, to get through, a full-on anxiety attack, at that point. (I'm starting to cry again now just thinking about it.) I could not get it under control. I was so sad, and disappointed, because I had REALLY TRIED to GO. I peeked out my front door, at that community gathering, a few times, wishing, I were there, but I just couldn't control the trauma that I felt.

The thing that got to me, that kept me from going, when it came down to it, was all of the times that I have been shunned by people here who believed the clique gossip and turned on me because of it, which causes me a lot of anxiety because  I can't stop it from happening, or defend myself, from those hateful, hurtful, lies, and things they say, to alienate me from the community. Every time, someone is open to getting to know me and will converse with me, I always feel very uneasy about someone in the clique seeing us talking together, because they go to those people, after they see us, and turn many of them against me. Because I wouldn't be able to talk to ANYONE, at the dinner, without, the clique members, who were there, seeing everyone that I would try to converse with, I just didn't try. I know what happens, when I try. So, I stayed home, so that I wouldn't have even more people hurting me, by suddenly changing toward me, 180°, because of this crap.

I just don't need the extra grief, of my trying to overcome this, huge, obstacle, to developing friendships, here, that these 50 - 80-year-old clique bitches created to alienate me from the other community members. I have seen so many, otherwise good people, turn on me, and rarely, do any of them become truly friendly toward me, again, after this happens. The clique members won. I just do not understand, how any adult, could be this vicious. I could never have done such an, evil, smear campaign to any of them. These are, senior citizens, bullying senior citizens. They did it to some others, too, who all moved away, citing that as one of their reasons for not staying in this community. But, I've been their main target, from the start. Because God blessed me with this home of my own, I'm still here trusting that He has a Plan and a Purpose for bringing me here. But, my anxiety about all this has been overwhelming at times. I was even very nearly suicidal over it, at one point.

When I started this blog, 6 years and 101 posts ago, I had such hope that things would turn out better for me than they have. It is disheartening. But, I still have so much to be truly grateful for, and I recognize that despite its persecutions and pitfalls, my life right now is immensely better than the lives of so many others on this planet. Thanksgiving, is tomorrow. I will cook a frozen turkey TV dinner, with some boxed stuffing, on the side, and it will taste good, and I will be grateful. My food is not fancy, but I am never hungry. I used to make things from scratch, for past holidays, but I am just SOOOOOOOO WEARY, right now, and I crave privacy and peace, to try to restore my soul. GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME! HE TRULY IS! I'm still in good health, live independently, have a beautiful home in a lovely location,  I watch happy Hallmark movies, every night, as I find what, female, fulfillment, I can, from watching the on-screen romances, and I still have my sense of humor! 

I still don't own a car, but I enjoy going for walks, and those are good for me. The new digital keyboard is waiting for me to try to relearn how to play piano, which I haven't done for decades, and I got myself an, adult, kick scooter as an alternate mode of transportation to my feet and my bicycle. I want to build a LEGO city as I find architecture fascinating, and I can't wait to pull out my old art supplies, and I still want to learn how to paint with watercolors. I also want to cook from scratch more than I have lately, and bake, of course. I want to put my new MP3 player in my ears, and go exploring. I still haven't seen much of this area, but from what I can tell, it's a very nice place to live. I have a bad habit of saving my good things for 'someday', but, that day, never comes. Just, another today-- that is a blessing in itself, because I am still alive, to enjoy music, and dance around, and rejoice in each breath and heartbeat that God still graces me with. I am determined to wear my 'good' clothes, and stop 'saving them'. Maybe, by wearing them, I might even catch the eye of someone new who will love me well like I've longed for and need.

It amazed me when I met someone who was finally able to dislodge Jim from my heart! He had been the one man that no one had ever been able to remove from my heart. NO ONE had EVEN COME CLOSE, before THIS man DID that-- after 40 years! I am forever grateful to him for that; but then I had to get over him, also. It was simply impossible for me to get to know this man and, not, love him, even though I did not see that coming, at all, until it hit me in the heart full force. He's not someone that I can ever be with though, and I am a realist, so I look forward to hopefully meeting the man that will be 'the third time's the charm' guy for me. I've known a lot of men in my life, but my heart has only completely loved two of  them. My second husband, Jim, who is my son's father, and this one, that got me over Jim. God gave them to other women though, so they aren't His Plan for me.  I don't know if God has someone for me. Mutual love, always seems to elude me. 

Well, I just started crying as I prepared to say this, but, it is time for me to go on with my life-- and whatever it does, or doesn't, turn out to be-- and I won't be on here, blogging, about it, because, THIS IS GOODBYE. There's just so much that I can't really write, in detail about, regarding my life here, for various reasons, and it looks like I'll need a miracle to ever get to a full 'ascent' through the dark night of the soul. Right now, and for a very long time, I have been living in the dark, in various ways, but hoping for the light. Maybe I just won't have that on this earth, but I still have the hope that I will have that, someday, in Heaven, and eternity is forever! To all of you who shared my life's journey, this far, by reading this blog, I thank you for doing that. It was comforting, motivating, and inspiring to have you alongside me as I shared tears and laughter, hurts and hopes, and so much more.
I wish you all the best, all the love, and all the light. And, always, ASCENT. - Deb

Bad Luck? Bad Men? Or Family Curses?

I deleted the personal profile that I had on one singles' website, after David broke my heart. I kept the other one of the two on the site where Joe and I had seemed to have a strong, and promising, connection, with one another, before it fell apart, when he got angry at me over David. So far no one else, that is interesting to me, has messaged me, on the remaining dating site, since those two men both caught my attention and even captured my heart; so I have been tempted to delete it, as well, and give up. Again. I definitely don't need my heart broken anymore, if I can possibly prevent that from happening. There's been far too much pain as it is from my relationships with other human beings, and not nearly enough, happiness, joy, or fulfillment, when those people have been in my life. Because of that, I am very much living in a 'cut my losses' mode by doing all that I can to avoid relationships of any kind with people who seem to me to be, disrespectful, fake, untrustworthy, shallow, selfish, manipulative, two-faced, abusive, dangerous, controlling, a liar or gossip, betrayer, tormentor (such as a narcissist who's compelled to put the victim through things that are very destructive), and even, just plain stupid, people. This certainly narrows down who I'm willing to open up to, and welcome into my life. It also, definitely, narrows the field of men I will even consider as potential partners.

The Bible speaks of several generational family curses but also asserts that 'In the last days the love of many will grow cold' (Matthew 24:12) in general; so between those two things I feel like my chances to experience, real, love in my life-- of any kind-- is somewhere between slim to none. While that's a very depressing thought to me, it seems to be the way that things have almost always gone for me, in love relationships throughout my life. It is what it is. In my struggle to understand why so many people seem to have found-- real-- love while I have never really had 'all the stars align' for me with that, I do ponder whether, I am just not lovable, or if I should give more credence to the possibility of an actual curse, on my family, as it relates to this. During my last divorce, I took back my maiden name. I don't know too much about my father's family because he really didn't ever talk about it at all when I was growing up, or even after. But, since I am related by blood I may also be under a curse passed down on his side of the family, if there is such a thing. It may be farfetched, but as I search for answers, that I don't have, and have never had, as to why love has so eluded me throughout my life, I am willing to consider all possibilities. After all, scripture says in no uncertain terms that curses are real.

I never knew my father's father. The only time he was even brought up to me, as a child, was when we were told that he had died, from being pinned, between his tractor and a trailer or something connected to it, and he was crushed to death. I think that was what happened anyway. My father was a man of few words, and a stern bearing, for the most part, so not very much was said to us, about it, at all; and I was just a young girl when this happened. We dressed up in Sunday clothes and went to the man's funeral, and that was that. My dad spent his life estranged from his parents, and I also spent the majority of my life estranged from mine, in first an emotional and then, also, a physical sense. That could be another possible Robinson curse in itself, although I was, and am, the only family member to sever ties with my family of origin, after I was thrust into the role of family black sheep, AKA scapegoat, which had, and has, everything, to do with that decision, of mine.

 

I am not sure if my father's parents were still together, but I seem to recall a step father being in the picture, and running my dad off, when he wasn't old enough to be on his own. I did meet my father's mother, and someone told me that she also dabbled in witchcraft. I don't know if that was true but ignorant country folk often hold onto alot of superstitions and such that, at the very least, can cause them to engage in some strange things. I believe his parents were divorced and my father divorced my mother, late, in life (in their mid-to-late-60s, I think it was), after my brother's suicide (by a self-inflicted gunshot to the heart) caused them to be even more strained with one another than they were before that. My dad's three sisters all also divorced I think. I'm not sure about one, but recall us visiting her, and her husband was an alcoholic. She scolded him for scaring us children by his behavior in that condition. Other than, that, tense, visit, we had very few interactions, with her. I feel fairly certain that their marriage did not make it, though. The other two sisters definitely divorced. After working so hard, for so many years, building their farm and their family, Peggy's husband Bill began to gamble, in, high stakes, card games, and bet the family farm, and lost it. Everything, they had worked hard for, was gone. Ginny's husband was the uncle that attempted to pull me into their bed and sexually molest me one weekend when I was sleeping over at their house. My family had gone on a trip and I didn't want to go on that long drive, so I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house, for a couple of days. Uncle Jim had never done that to me before, or after, but it was, really scary, for me, because it happened when my aunt left for work Saturday morning, and I was alone in the house with this uncle, who became a sexual predator. They did not divorce for that though. It turned out he did this kind of crap to other young female relatives, besides me. But, they got divorced when he ran off with the woman that was Aunt Ginny's best friend. Ginny never had it easy, in her search for real love, either. The next man she trusted her heart and life to stole all her money and left her. I lost touch with her as the years went by, so I don't know, what happened, after that. All this marital misery makes me wonder if there really is some curse at work, in my family tree, that is actually undermining our chances, for real lasting love, or if there is just alot of bad people in the world who don't make good romantic partners. My only brother, Mike, killed himself, because of the constant lack of fulfilling romantic love, in his life. His luck with women was so bad that, he died a virgin at the age of 40. Brokenhearted, he had become despondent from the complete hopelessness he felt about ever being loved by any woman that he loved. He was on the phone with the most recent one that was rejecting him, however nicely, when she heard the gun go off, and called the police. I talked to the detective, about it, by phone, and he told me all of this.

On my mother's side of the family, her mother, was married three times. The first one was rather abusive I believe because she went to great lengths to hide one of her pregnancies from this man, despite it being his child. The second was a happy match, but I believe he died of cancer. The third was not affectionate but stood by her until his death. I think there were 7 children altogether from these marriages, 5 of which had long, loving, marriages, one that got pregnant out of wedlock, but found a man willing to marry her and stay with her and be a stepfather to her son that she conceived, and one (my mother), that was the only one, of the 7, to ever be divorced. Based on that, including because she married a Robinson and they all got divorced on his side of the family, there could be grounds for believing there is something to the Robinson family curse. My sister Pat never divorced, but she had a different father than my dad, apparently from an affair our mother had, with the man who fathered her, so she wouldn't come under this Robinson curse, if there is one, although she was raised right along with us as if she were a Robinson. Lastly, my youngest sister, has never divorced, but is a Robinson, and I can't explain why she seems to have avoided a 'doomed' relationship. She, often, seems, bitchy and bossy, but her husband seems to go along with her every mood, pout, and sulk so I think that she is so strong-willed that she probably made his life miserable, if he didn't kowtow to her. He makes excuses for her no matter how badly she behaves just to 'keep the peace', as much as possible. She is extremely overbearing, when she is not getting her own way with everything, and/or isn't happy for any reason, no matter how small a thing is triggering her, very volatile temperament. She has a fairly dark and dour personality, that rears its ugly head when she is not getting her way. She makes me cringe! I'm so relieved to be back to 'No Contact' with her after accommodating her during the settling of our mother's estate after she died, only to have Pam return to her frequently surly self again, soon after I had signed all the paperwork and she no longer needed my help with all of that. Her husband explains away, and excuses, all her ugly behaviors, so I truly do think that he has been severely hen-pecked by her over the years to act that way about how she is.

I think his religious faith prevents him from ever seriously considering getting out. He's a good guy, but he helped create the overbearing monster she can be, by his rationalizations to himself and others, as he seems to disregard her, over-the-top, bad behaviors, rather than, really, confront, the punitive posturing, that she does. Because he doesn't do that, he enables her to continue carrying on in these ways.

As for me, I'm not an easy woman to love, either, in my own ways. I'm extremely honest about things, including subjects that many find uncomfortable to confront, and more people than not aren't big fans of honesty. I'm a loner and a homebody. I love my privacy! I didn't like marriage, and don't want to try that anymore, with anyone, despite my religious upbringing; but I would like a romantic partner-- if I can ever find a really good guy that it can work out with (which hasn't happened, so far). When someone pushes my buttons, until they really piss me off, I have a righteous indignation that explodes, into full anger, if I am being disrespected, or mistreated in some way, which isn't being dealt with, and stopped. I'm extremely independent. I don't let others control me by their attitudes, or actions, opinions, or oppression. I don't care, who doesn't like me, or what I am doing with my life.

 

People that have known me a long time, and never seen me lose my temper, are shocked, if/when that happens, because I normally just 'live and let live', and am generally gentle with people, although I am not particularly 'social', since I am an introvert by nature. When people piss me off, usually by mistreating me, I can go from happy to hostile, and warm and friendly to cold as ice, in an instant. Once I lose my temper it takes me A VERY LONG TIME to calm down toward that person or persons, again; IF EVER. Some people have PUSHED ME SO FAR that, there IS NO GOING BACK to being on good terms with me. I simply lost any and all desire to put up with them, or their bullshit, anymore. Once I get REALLY PISSED OFF, I don't often cool down. That person has TURNED ME OFF, and the way I see it is, I JUST DON'T NEED THEM, in my life. I can be quick, to WRITE PEOPLE OFF, if they DON'T TREAT ME WELL. Sometimes, men have miscalculated that they matter, to me, SO MUCH, that I will TAKE THEIR SHIT. As people on social media sites put it they 'fuck around, and find out', when I DON'T DO THAT. I will tell them to leave, and hold the door open for them, to get out of my life, without batting an eye, or shedding a tear, if they try to make me choose between valuing myself or them. I ALWAYS CHOOSE ME if they make the mistake of MAKING THAT A CHOICE for me. It isn't just men that I do that with. I do that with ANYONE that MISTREATS ME. I have NO motivation to fight for any relationship that I am NOT TREATED WELL IN.

I'm ALOT HAPPIER when people like THAT are GONE from my life. Good riddance!

It is SAD to me, when people that THINK I LOVE THEM will use THAT, as a reason to take me for granted, disrespect me, mistreat me, humiliate me and abuse me. When they start that shit I allow it to go on however long it takes to KILL OFF MY LOVE FOR THEM, by using, the deep hurt, and anger, at being treated that badly. They seem to be unaware of my using it to motivate me to get rid of them. They seem to mistakenly believe that I'm alright with their treating me badly, because  I, seemingly at least, allowed them to get away with it. However, I bide my time, and ONCE THEY'VE DESTROYED MY LOVE, I CUT THEM LOOSE, and they are left, truly shocked, like, "What the hell happened? She never reacted like that before!" My answer to that is, "Listen up, DUMB JERK, YOU MADE THAT POSSIBLE FOR ME to STOP CARING ABOUT YOU, and now you are OUT OF MY HEART AND MY LIFE!"

So, with my deep need to be alone, so much of the time, and my desire to avoid being mistreated, or married, that prevents men from ultimately dominating me, and my volcanic temper that is usually hidden out of sight but is scary to people,  if or when it erupts, my fierce independence, which makes me 'need' people alot less than they think that I do and makes me well able to cut them out of my life, far more quickly and easily than most people are able to do, or want to do, I can be a real challenge, for anyone trying to love me, or even just find their place, in my life. Whether it's a family member, a friend, a romantic partner, a neighbor or anyone else, I live my life on my own terms, and while I do not try to impose my will on how others live their life I'm protective and possessive of how I live mine.

These things, about me, may be what make me so hard to love. I am going to be 'me', and be true to who and what I am, though, regardless of who likes it or has a problem with it. I need to be loved for myself or else it isn't really love. It is not always the unloved person that is the problem preventing love, either. I think that I am actually very lovable, once I am comfortable enough to open up to someone and let my personality shine through! If someone gets to know me, for who I am, and makes me feel safe to be open and loving, with them, I'll have a much better chance of finally finding love. Other people not acting loving, for whatever reason, can prevent love, from being part of the relationship. I think about the fun things, I could do with someone, in a romantic relationship, but Covid is also still around, and I would have to contend with that highly contagious virus if I stop isolating to become intimate with someone. I feel like, COVID, has RUINED MY LIFE, in ways.

 

 

I don't try to rule and run other people for my own gain, or for control over them and the situation. I like, giving and receiving, mutual respect, and understanding, reciprocity, equality, yin and yang, sharing joy and laughter, nurturing each other, affection. I thrive in that kind of environment and relationship! I smile more in it, reveling in the sacred sweetness of sharing life with another soul in a safe space.  I would never want to try to get what I thought I wanted or needed from another person by bullying, browbeating, coercion, or control. The ones that try that crap on me are excluded from my life; banished because of their bullshit. I don't need it, and if they choose to act that way toward me, I don't need them. I'd rather do without people like that. They are JOY STEALERS. I'm VERY protective of my joy!

I really don't know if I have never found REAL romantic love with anyone because of bad luck, bad men, or family curses. I just know that it is the ONE desire of my heart that STILL ELUDES ME; and with the added oppression of Covid, spreading, yet again, in a, never-ending, morphing into different strains, I don't even think it is possible for me to, physically, be with a man, safely, even if I finally find a good one. It is frustrating to me though that jerks and bitches seem to have no trouble finding a romantic partner in their lives, but people like me that want to give love even more than get love, but hope for both those things, seem to spend our lives doing without, for whatever reason. If I am not lovable because of imperfections, then how are other, clearly imperfect, people, able to find real love, in their lives?

 

I hope I'm not under a curse when it comes to finding love, but it seems like that:

I don't have the answers. I do know that, I can be, a difficult person to deal with, though; including, because, my expectations are high. I totally turn off, toward a man, if I find out they lied, to me. I believe God always reveals to me if someone lies to me, because He is a God of truth. It doesn't always happen right away, but in the end the TRUTH will come out: Luke 8:17 (NIV) "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." When I find out that I was lied to, the hurt, and betrayal, drive a wedge between me and the person who did that to me, and I allow the pain of it to alter my feelings about them. After all, they showed me that they don't respect me, by doing that. I don't feel respect for people who don't respect me, because I know that, I am worth treating well! I also know, they don't lie because of what is wrong with me. They lie, because of, what is wrong with them. I may never know, why I can't seem to find the right guy, but I do know, I'm worth treating with real respect, even with my faults and flaws. I've been around enough people in my life to know that I am A VERY SPECIAL WOMAN, in some significant ways. I know that a man would be lucky to have my love in his life; but would I be lucky to have his, or would I regret ever letting him into my heart? I don't want to waste my love on someone that doesn't appreciate it and doesn't reciprocate it. I DESERVE BETTER.

My Fault? Or, Was I, Blamed, By Default?

Since Adam blamed Eve for his own sin, in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6-13), when God confronted them both about their sin, the name of the game has been blame. However, to muddy the waters even more, on the issue of who is actually at fault, there are also some assertions that are bandied about as truisms, which clearly state otherwise, such as: "People blame their  environment. There is only one person to blame — and only one — themselves." - Robert Collier; "No one is  to blame. It is neither their fault nor ours. It's the misfortune of being born when  a whole world is dying." - Alexander Herzen; "No one is a failure until they blame somebody else." - Charles Jones "Take  your  life  in  your  own  hands  and what happens? A terrible thing: no one is to blame." - Erica Jong, and so on. It is very easy to blame others; but don't those people who come through our lives, in any way, whether, they are, tiptoeing, traipsing, or trampling, bear the responsibility, for what they said or did that had an impact and an effect on us for good or bad? As someone who has spent my lifetime bearing the brunt, and paying high prices for, being made the scapegoat and a villain, after I have been being victimized by others, I'm more than tired, of people putting their sin and guilt off onto me. It is theirs! I have my own flaws, and failings, to deal with, and take responsibility for. Penalizing me for their shortcomings and sins too, is both unfair and unrighteous.

Alli summed it up well in a recent Tweet and gave me permission to share it here:

Alli R @alli_redmond · 3h

I get really tired of people holding me responsible for the situation when I’m not the one who abused someone or covered-up that abuse. 

I’m tired of the gaslighting - The fact that I’ve been made out to be the problem, when I didn’t create the problem.

  

There are people who say that we actually create a contract with God, before our incarnation, into this world, and that it may include our choosing our own gender, race, family, etc., for some 'higher purpose', or 'higher good', to be accomplished through our grappling with life, on those terms, all the days, of our existence, on Earth. If such a thing is true, then it may well be said, that we are actually much more responsible, and therefore, much more to blame, for how this life turns out for us, than anyone else involved. However, even if we assisted our very Creator, in such a way, to preprogram us for all those attributes (or liabilities, as the case may be) I have never heard anyone say that, we also have some say in who and what all the other people are, who will ever touch, and affect, our lives for better or for worse. There is an expression that we 'make our mark' in this world which acknowledges that we each have an impact on those around us. Whether, that is simply from us smiling at a stranger as we pass them on the sidewalk, or we are neglecting to tell those that we love what we feel, for them, there are rarely any human interactions that are neutral in their effect on each of us. We humans are alot like 'relational thermometers', continually registering in our emotions in real time whether someone we interact with or choose not to, or someone interacting with us or choosing not to, is causing or contributing to a perception we have, of warmth or welcome, or is instead distancing or even destructive. I firmly believe there is a mutual responsibility for any interaction between people. But, if one or more involved chooses to turn toxic toward the other(s), in some way, it's all but impossible to come away from it unscathed. Harm, has been done. Damage, has been inflicted. When those, who wrong others, refuse to acknowledge it, insult is added to the injury that was caused by this injustice. Scripture says we each are to "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31). The intent of this is to prevent these wrongs altogether. So many days in so many ways humans fail to sincerely put this into practice. The result is a world of hurt, that is full of victims; and lots of people are more than willing to blame these victims to deflect the blame away from themselves; because they have an agenda of some sort such as to discredit  a victim, so they won't be believed; or they are onlookers or outsiders, that have some sort of bias toward the, actual, perpetrator, causing them to take their side. 

They would love to convince others, and even us, as their victims, that it's all our fault. Biblically speaking, a scapegoat* is to bear the burdens of others' sins cast upon them. This indoctrination affects the course of our life and our relationships especially if, or when, we become so beaten down from this continual disavowing we get from others, who refuse to acknowledge or accept the truth, that, despite our knowing better, somewhere deep inside we begin to believe that, we actually do deserve this treatment, somehow, even though neither us or the others doing their best to make us feel this way, can ever come up with any real reason for it. Even society itself can treat us in ways that reinforce that it is our 'deserved' lot, making it difficult, if not impossible, to be successful, or achieve our goals in life. 

This, is one of my pet peeves. That, people try to insinuate, or instigate, such an outrageous injustice in order to deflect, their own, responsibility, in the matter, if they were involved; or if they're a bystander in some sense, they merely absolve their preferred person in some sort of dysfunctional, and dishonest, 'loyalty test'.

On Pinterest ("Deborah Gayle Robinson"), I have a Board, titled, "I Call Bullshit!" The Pins are all supposedly sage sayings, I come across, that I disagree with the premise of, that is put forth, so I Pin them to this Board. Here are three of them:

 

I was, completely, shattered, as a human being, by my last husband, who was a narcissist. They get into the lives of their victims by telling us what we need and want to hear. The fact that they can hide how evil they are, so successfully, until they 'have' us, and then, slowly reveal how destructive they are, shows just how insidious this abuse is. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally decimated, by this monster that I was married to. I had loved him. I was harmed by him. I was not responsible for the terror that I came to feel because of this man. His actions caused those feelings in me. I could, and do still, definitely blame him for what I have felt about being treated so horribly. Our reactions, are not always a choice.  Referencing the two Pins, that follow, I also can't think of one single time, in my life, that I gave someone permission to hurt me in the ways that they did! And I didn't have a family whether growing up or when married that I experienced the joy of, really, feeling loved, in return. The "no matter what" from the second Pin, below, refers to an unconditional love. Besides God, and my cockatiel, CeeBee, I never ever experienced unconditional love. Only tentative and transactional love.           

   

I have not found, any of the three statements, to be the case in my life. In fact, I was blamed by family members who were loyal to them, when the men in my life took advantage of me, used me, or abused me, and then things did not work out, between us. Each, of those men, were supported, comforted, accepted and loved, by their families, while I was blamed, and shamed, as the scapegoat, by my own.

I find it hard to imagine, that I would have, ever, chosen the hurtful family I grew up in, for any reason, at all, including, a noble one, were that conjecture, about a contract, with God, found to be true. I believe that for His own reasons, He made me to be, a white female, and placed me in the family I was born into, as well as making me an American citizen. He knows all the days of our lives, before we are even born, the Bible says, in Psalm 139:16, because of His omniscience. Life, has sometimes left me feeling like His placing me on this planet was not a very "good idea", based on outcomes, but I am nevertheless, a "God idea"! I take comfort in the fact that God is a God of truth; and even though it makes my life alot harder,  I believe that the truth is so important in my relationships. Especially, in the long run. Regardless of where it ends up, with these relationships, I always appreciate knowing exactly where I stand with someone. It is the wondering, that wears me down. That, never being sure, if they are, being slick, or, being straight, with me.

   

Because, I am honest, I am a threat, in the eyes of, family members, and some others, simply because, I say what is true, however unpleasant, or, unpalatable, that may be, to them; and, they don't want to address that, or deal with that, if they can possibly avoid it. This, is one of the biggest reasons, that I become the scapegoat. Since they can't alter what is, actually, the truth they want to simply shut me up, about it, so, I don't speak the truth; and, when, they can't, do that, they do their best to discredit me, to anyone who will listen and believe the crap they say, about me, in order to, try to, prevent the real truth from, ever, coming out, taking hold, and making them accountable, and possibly ashamed, for their own misdeeds. Jesus was crucified, for His truth-telling. Being honest makes me  'a real and present danger' to those who have dark secrets, and sins, to hide; so running me off, by mistreatment, leaves these people without my presence, and truth telling, to do their dirty deeds with hands that are not clean but have been whitewashed, as they count on no one being the wiser. Unfortunately for victims  of these people, that is, most often, exactly, how it all plays out. It has been the story of my life, and has dispossessed me of plenty which has driven me to pure despair, despondency, and at times, depression. So many people behave as if no Judgment Day is coming. Since, I have to stand before my Maker, and Judge, on that day, and He already knows everything, I see no reason, not to be honest, in my dealings here on Earth. I am who and what I am. So many people hate truth. "No blame should attach to telling the truth. But it does, it does."-Anita Brookner. 

  

I grew up in a dysfunctional home, which led to both, dysfunctional relationships, and dysfunctional career paths. Robbed of my own voice when I was a child, I've alternated, much of the time, as an adult, between, being silent and seething, or outspoken in a righteously resentful way, as I struggle, to (learn how to) find my own voice, speak up, in my own defense, when it is warranted, and establish my boundaries with people, along better lines. It was, and still is, a mighty struggle, for me! Not only did my identity, and confidence, not get established early on, in my life, but while trying to develop, these things, later, I am also having to swim against the strong currents of all the negative messaging buried inside my mind, especially from my narcissistic mother, but also from my emotionally aloof father that almost always only interacted with me to be stern or punitive, and the toxic dynamics, throughout, my family of origin, which came with, my being made the family scapegoat, AKA the black sheep of the family. All of this has made my life so much harder, for me, than anyone, who has never been through it, could ever possibly understand. Emotionally, it feels like I am trying to trudge forward, with all of my strength, while walking in a mud pit that is up to my waist. It is difficult and exhausting, to say the least. >sigh< I have had to live my life without a real support system, as far as families go. I also wasn't taught skills that I needed, to have successful relationships with others, because such things were not modeled in my home life for the most part when I was growing up. 'Family' never felt safe. 

I didn't even realize until I began dredging up, and processing, my thoughts and emotions over things from my past, in order to write my post for this blog, there were some powerful things, inside me, that were causing me to decide to do the things that I did. Only, in writing about my life, here, did I begin to really realize some, of the reasons, behind my poor choices, at times. For example, I divorced my son's father because he really gave me no choice, or love, or encouragement to do otherwise, with us; and I believe, to this day, that it was the only, possible, decision I could have made. But when I wrote several long blog posts, about the relationship with him, things came into clearer focus, for me, and I realized, that,  I never should have agreed, to marry him, at all, when, I found myself pregnant, with our son, Jay. I remember feeling very torn, about that decision, at the time.

I told myself, it was the best thing to do, for our baby, and I did deeply love Jim. But, it never could have worked, with Jim and I. I truly think I would have never wanted the lifestyle that he wanted, for himself. Or, to live with the ambitions he had, with the emphasis he placed on prestige, power and achievement, meant to gain him worldly approval, admiration and likely adoration. My personal priorities and my deepest desires had been much more, inward-focused, on the quality, of the personal relationship itself, and my longing to share a deep, loving bond. We were just not focused on the same things, at all. I think back, to our dating days, now, and see that we were never really compatible in our visions for the future. I was gloriously happy, most of the time, while, we were, alone, together, when we were dating, and living together, while both stationed at Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Mississippi. But, he used that time, of accessing all of my affection for him to recharge his 'social butterfly' battery, to, let off steam, in order to better focus on his, real, goals, which all existed outside, of 'us'; out in the whole, wide, world and among the throngs of other people on the planet. Conquering me, was just a hobby. A diversion for him. Something (and, in my case, someone) that he did in his spare time, to use up excess energy, that, he couldn't use all of, in his pursuit of popularity. His channeling such drive, made him great in bed. But, not great to fall in love with, or be married to. I was so in love with him, that I could not, or I chose not, to see, at the time, that we could never have worked out, as a couple.

I had wanted to believe in the Disney 'Happily Ever After' ending, back then, but,  it wasn't that, with us. I had still, naively, thought, that love would conquer all. I did love him beyond a doubt; more than any human being I've ever loved. But it was one-sided. What he wanted was an extension of himself ambitions and all; a worthy representative, of himself, that could, also, charm his associates and help boost him up the Ladder Of Success that he was so driven to climb to its heights.  I was not that girl. I would never have been able to be that girl. It was not who I was. Then, or now. Jim considered me to be, a hindrance. His goals, left me cold. Clearly, I knew who I was, and what I needed, somewhere deep inside me, but I never could have put that into words to say to him, back then. I didn't know how to consciously get in touch with my own voice, and goals, and desires until years later. Now that I have become my own advocate, I won't stop speaking my mind. This strength of 'self' has led to, my deciding, that men, and marriage, are, most definitely, NOT for ME, and I have been living much more happily being single for decades now than any fleeting, fickle happiness I found in romantic relationships.

I see it, clearly, now, and yet there is a part of me that will love him forever! The only man I feel that way about. That, partly, explains, why I made 'bottom of the barrel' marital choices, when I got married after that. Deep down, I knew I could never replace him, or love anyone else, the way that I loved him. But, I also had the disapproval of his parents, coming against me. They treated me like I wasn't good enough for him; and when we got married because I turned up pregnant, I feel that both them and Jim felt that I did that to trap him, when I didn't at all. I never wanted to have kids because I was too afraid of my upbringing channeling through me and damaging an innocent child the way that I was damaged when I went through it. I also told Jim that I was no longer on birth control, because we had been apart for a good while before this happened and I didn't sleep with any one else, during all that time, because, I was totally in love with him. He said he would pull out but apparently he didn't. When he and my mother both told me to get an abortion, I didn't, because this was OUR child, and I believed God allowed this to happen for a reason. Of course, I was blamed, for ALL of this, by Jim AND HIS family, and MY family, although, HE, obviously, had a hand in this (or, rather, another, body part, of his, involved). Because of my years of indoctrination, from my own family, that asserted there is a reason, that I DESERVE to be treated like  I am the PROBLEM or the INSTIGATOR (even of things that I had NOTHING to do with!), I took on the SMELL OF GUILT, whether something was actually MY FAULT OR NOT; and MOST of the time WHATEVER it WAS, WAS NOT actually my fault. I found myself BEHAVING as if I WERE guilty and worthy of blame, when rationally  I knew that it wasn't true, of me. This is just SOME, of the awful legacy, of being blamed for things I didn't even do, or that were not my fault, throughout my life. To add to my pain, my 'loved ones' simply left me struggling, in the quicksand of the guilt that they poured all over and around me while they moved on with their lives, unencumbered, by guilt, shame, or responsibility; exonerating themselves. One species, that will, never, become extinct, in this world, is family scapegoats. 

 

There were other things, too, that, broke my heart, and made me feel that, I did not HAVE better, in my life, because somehow or other I did not DESERVE better. ONLY my relationship with God has taught me that, this is a LIE. Throughout, my life, to this very day, circumstances continue, to try to convince me, that I do not deserve to have the desires of my heart. I know God's Word well though, and He says in scripture "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)." While, my desires, now, are, no longer, to have a man, or romantic love, in my life, I have other deep desires that I hope will happen for me! Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just cannot seem to have things go as we wish that they would. I'm usually fairly accepting of this, because of my deep faith in God. He created me, and I figure that He is well able to bring about HIS Will, for my life, regardless, of what I do, or don't do, or want, or don't want. Nevertheless, I am only human, and the damage done, to my soul, by being, the scapegoat, for other peoples' sins, throughout my life, hinders me, and holds me back, in many ways. >sigh< I seem to not only have to pay the price for things I do wrong, but for the wrongdoing of others, as well; and that is AFTER they have first sinned against me, in some way, doing some type of harm, to me, or my life. I remain incredulous, that people can wrong me and walk away unscathed by the situation, while, I have to, pick up the pieces, and try, yet again, to recover, from whatever they did to me. When things unravel, this way, I try, to comfort myself, by saying that, if, whatever, fell through, was God's Will, for me, He would surely have brought it to pass. Even so I do try to hold people accountable for how they treat me, just as God holds each of us accountable, to Him, for how we treat one another in this life. I take comfort that everybody who's wronged me will face the judgment seat of God. They might get away with it now but only in the short run. God KNOWS who is to blame and for what. There's just no GASLIGHTING** God!

There are unfortunately many other examples of my being blamed, and punished for the indiscretions of others, by not only family members, spouses, and in-laws, but the military, civilian employers, and potential employers, as well. I have been made to take the fall*** for things, after I have already been victimized, in these situations. Righteousness, does not, always reign, on this fallen planet. That's for sure! Here is just one example: During the years, I worked as a nightclub dancer,  I was well aware, that, it was only a matter of time, until I would, inevitably, 'age out' of being able to make my living that way. As much as I loved being a dancer, there would come a day, that the party was over, for me, just as it did, for all the other girls, who got into the business for whatever reasons. So, there were times that I left dancing, at least for awhile, to explore other possibilities; trying to find the best answer for me. The very first career aspiration that I ever had, as a pre-schooler, was that I had wanted to be a homemaker, when I grew up! I loved my dollhouse and my Easy Bake Oven. Something about homemaking captivated me and I just felt happy doing domestic types of things. So, I would get married, but it never worked out, for very long, because, I made those choices much too soon in those relationships, and ended up with 'buyer's remorse' after buying the 'bull', my last two husbands handed me, and waking up, from a dream, to a nightmare, complete with a legally binding Marriage Certificate, that had to be undone with a divorce, each time. (After 4 husbands, and 5 marriages, it is NO WONDER, that I, FINALLY came to my senses, and 'swore off' going that route, for over 3 decades, now.) I also tried other things I thought I might be good at or that interested me, along the way. One of those, was that, I applied, with the City of Omaha, Human Resources department, for a job, as a, 911 Operator. With my, previous, Certified Nursing Assistant schooling, and experience, and clerical skills (which were partly developed while I was in the Air Force, and was assigned to clerical duties), I felt that I had strong enough skills to do well in this job. So, I went through the steps.

As the series of written tests, interviews, and tours of the 911 facility started, we were told, that this process was such that, candidates for the job would either be advanced, to the next step, at each stage of the process, or not be going forward at all because they had been deemed to not be a good match for this position. In other words, you either made it, to the hire, one step, at a time, or you were out, of the running, to be a 911 Operator. The City of Omaha HR department, and 911 managers, were very specific, about that. I am a fairly intelligent person, so I did very well with the initial written testing that we were given and I advanced to the next step, because of that. This process continued, over a period of weeks, and I was, beyond, excited, to finally be invited to the Operations Center for a final job interview with the new 911 Director, Mark Conry. (This was many years ago, and Omaha, and Douglas County, Dispatch Operations, had not been combined, yet.) There were, some 'red flags', that happened, during my time there, for this, very important, interview, but I couldn't be sure what was behind these odd behaviors by Director Conry, and the supervisor that worked just under him. All I knew was that I'd successfully completed each and every step to be hired for this job, and I had, earned, this opportunity, to be hired, for this good paying position, that also, had benefits. However, as this last day in the lengthy, involved process transpired  I began to be increasingly uneasy as to what the 'benefits' were considered to be.

It is difficult to not be reactive when things in our present circumstances begin to remind us of, unpleasant, or, frightening, experiences, from our past. We all have baggage, from things, we have been through. Especially, things that traumatized, us. While, I continued, to put on my, smiling, pleasant, 'job interview' face, I was confused, and concerned, by what was happening. When, the supervisor ushered me into Director Conry's office, he seemed to be unusually agitated, although we had just had a congenial conversation as I waited for my turn to go in to this last step in the hiring process. It just didn't seem right that this man who had worked for decades in the highly stressful 911 Call Center environment would be 'jumpy'; especially to this extent! Then, as Mark Conry began to ask me questions, during our one-on-one, final, interview, before hires were made, this supervisor kept on coming back into his office, time and time and time and time again. It seemed as if he was trying to keep watch, of some sort, on the situation, but, I was not sure why. Mr. Conry finally lost patience with this behavior of his, and snapped at him, to get out of his office, and stop coming in, on our interview, together. Because I had passed every single step, with flying colors, earning my right to be hired, by their own statements, I knew, that this interview was actually merely a formality. Mr. Conry finished the interview by grinning at me, ear to ear, and saying that he would be making the calls the next day to those he was hiring. Finally, a real job!  I loved being a dancer, but this was a real career opportunity, as a 911 Operator.

When I went back to my apartment I was so excited that I couldn't sit still! Since he had said that he wasn't going to call anyone he was hiring until the next day I walked to the Old Market from my downtown apartment and got a few groceries. We did not have cell phones or personal computers back then, but my phone had an answering machine. So, I felt, dismayed, when I got home, and saw the light, blinking, on the machine, alerting me, to a missed call. Sure enough, Mark Conry had called--- and I wasn't home to take that call! All his message really said was, to call him back, and he left the number. I was very apprehensive, about it, since he had specifically said that he was going to call the new hires the next day and I had just left his office, after the final interview, a couple of hours earlier! It didn't seem possible that he was calling me today, instead, because he wasn't planning to hire me! . . . I didn't know WHAT to think, as I dialed the number, he left, with my hands shaking from the stress. It only rang once or twice before he answered and the first thing out of his mouth caused me to think, "UH OH!" My heart sank, not because, he wasn't hiring me, because, HE WAS HIRING ME, as it turned out. But, this is how the call with him went, which ruined it all, for me, and left me, in  a quandary, as to what I should do next. He, turned my dream, into a nightmare.

As soon, as he answered the phone, he said, thanks for calling him back; that it was his home phone number, and that 'he was a bachelor', and was just making himself a sandwich. (Please remember that my ONLY association and interaction with this man was in a professional, employer-employee, capacity, and ours was not, in any way, a personal relationship.) He described his new 'bachelor pad' to me, where he lived now, explaining that his wife was divorcing him, and that he had taken Terminal Leave, from the Air Force (with some, higher, enlisted, rank), so he could move to Omaha, to start this new job, as 911 Director. He described how lonely he felt. My heart JUST SANK, as this man said all these things, which were not appropriate to the way in which we knew one another nor the fact that the ONLY reason this, unattractive, man, even HAD my home telephone number, was because it was on my JOB APPLICATION. I hadn't met this guy in a bar and given him my home phone number, to call me up sometime, to chat, or to come on to me, which, he, surely, seemed, to me, to be doing. Then, he gave me, the ULTIMATE INSULT, to MY ACHIEVEMENTS during the HIRING PROCESS (which, I was so PROUD OF!). I had EARNED this job hire, and he said, he WAS hiring me, but he PUT it THIS way--- in such a way, that tried, from the outset, to frame it,  as a, benevolent, gesture, by him, toward me; like he was 'doing me a big favor'  that would, therefore, ingratiate me to him, during my entire employment there.

He said that, HE was PERSONALLY going to take me 'under his wing', and, MAKE SURE, that I SUCCEEDED, at this job. He said that, I was to come into his office, and SHUT THE DOOR, and that, he would MAKE SURE, that I had JOB SECURITY. Devastated, I thought back to wondering why the supervisor had kept nervously coming in during my interview with him, only hours earlier, and I felt like, it was becoming clear, to me, that he had been trying to keep Mark Conry from making  moves on me then and there. That behavior had seemed so strange, at the time. During this phone call, when Mr. Conry had told me to call him back at his home, he also, said to me, that, although, he was still calling, other, hires the next day, as he had told us, all, that he was going to do, I was THE ONLY ONE that he had called THE SAME DAY, with the 'good news', and that it was another favor he did JUST FOR ME and NO ONE ELSE because he didn't want me to have to wait for it.                         

As SOON as I HUNG UP from that call, I KNEW the job--- that I HAD EARNED by my OWN SKILLS AND CAPABILITIES--- was tainted in a very bad way by how he framed it like he was doing me this BIG 'FAVOR', and I HAD to COME TO HIM, on  a REGULAR BASIS, he said, and COME TO HIS OFFICE AND CLOSE THE DOOR in order to 'SUCCEED' at it. I had already been through rape, and lost my Air Force career over sexual harassment. I couldn't work under this kind of understanding with, my boss, on a new job, and he was MAKING IT CLEAR, from the OUTSET, I had to work there UNDER HIS TERMS, to be ALLOWED to SUCCEED in this job. I knew, that he had just made it a non-starter, for me; UNLESS I could get City of Omaha Human Resources to do something, about it. Because, of how, the world works, I knew, that was a long shot. After all, they had JUST HIRED HIM, as the NEW 911 Director. But, I also knew that I could NOT start that JOB, under these terms, that he had laid out, for me, so clearly. So, I had really already LOST the job, as soon as he DID THIS to me; unless HR would HELP ME. HR had a female head of the department, named Michelle Frost. She was also an attorney, I think.  I went to see her, and she sat there, stone-faced, as I described, these troubling things, to her. She said she would look into it, and give me a call in a day or two. At the time, I had become friends with the receptionist, for HR, and she told me, that Ms. Frost had called Mark Conry into her office, and asked him, about these things I told her, and that HE ADMITTED TO IT! I was SHOCKED, that he told her that, what I said, was true! But, when, Michelle Frost called me, herself, with her findings, she told me, that I had NEVER BEEN OFFERED THE JOB, at all, and that,  I WOULDN'T have EVER been offered the job; and, that I'd IMAGINED a job offer.

I was SO UPSET BY THIS. I KNEW that SHE knew, that THIS WASN'T TRUE. (She didn't know that my receptionist friend, in HR, who was privy to the office gossip, had kept me in the loop, on what was REALLY HAPPENING, behind the scenes.) I reminded her, with anger in my voice, that BOTH HR, and 911 management, had SPECIFICALLY told us, SEVERAL times, in NO uncertain terms, that all of the 911 job candidates could only advance toward the hire one step at a time and not by some cumulative, overall, scoring, at the end of all the steps, combined. I said, I was just at my final interview and tour of the facility, and I could NOT have BEEN there, had I not successfully passed EVERY SINGLE STEP, up until that point. She refused to acknowledge any of the facts, so I knew that, no matter what, the job could NEVER be MINE, NOW, because of Conry, and HR; and, I had EARNED, and DESERVED, that job, based on, MY OWN MERIT. I was so mad. It was so unfair. I ended up getting an attorney, to fight it, but as it turned out, he was in the same cocktail party circuit as Michelle Frost, and decided to "settle for something quick, and cheap", another attorney who was watching my case against the city told me that he had confided, to her; which ALSO made me really mad. It dragged on, for months, and, the longer it did, the madder, I got, about it. It was insult, added to injury, for me. Also, although the City of Omaha would admit NO wrongdoing, OF COURSE, they had STILL drawn up a NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENT, and, a GAG ORDER, which they were going to require me to sign before I would even get the check for a mere $5,000.00. By that point, I had planned to MOVE AWAY, and go somewhere OTHER than this city, that I loved, that had wronged me in all of this.  I had just been waiting for the check to fund my move. I was going to the beach! When the female attorney told me, that my male attorney, had simply settled for "something quick, and cheap", I was so incensed, and felt so disrespected, that I called his office and FIRED HIM, then called City of Omaha HR, asked for Michelle Frost, and told her, to put that check somewhere that would give her a paper cut.

So, because I never got the check, or signed the Nondisclosure or Gag Order, I'm able to talk about it, to this day, if I so choose. My faith in God stayed strong and in fact, His Holy Spirit was really moving, on me, and through me, alot, during all this. I had Visions, and God gave me A VERY SPECIFIC Word Of Knowledge, for a lady at a church that I had never met in person but had talked to over the phone. She'd been praying with ME, over the phone, during this ordeal, but I didn't know ANYTHING about HER personal life. When God gave me this, very personal, Word to tell her, I OBEYED, and she told me, that it was EXACTLY, what her family, was dealing with, and it helped them, to KNOW, God's Will in the situation! I was able to move to the beach, also, because some Catholic sisters that I also prayed with over the phone showed up unannounced, at my apartment, with a sizeable check, made out to me, saying that God had suddenly told them to bring me this money. They had no idea, that I had canceled the financial settlement with the city. They were simply obeying God, who knows all things. Mark Conry, went on to work for many years as the 911 Director, while I lost MY 911 job opportunity BECAUSE OF HIM. The City, continued its business, without penalty, although it overlooked his wrongs, and MADE ME PAY THE PRICE for HIM, and THEM, by NOT DOING RIGHT by me. I DID NOTHING WRONG (aside from, when I called Michelle Frost up, and told her NO DEAL that she could put that measly $5,000.00 CHECK UP HER ASS). This, is just one more example, for this blog post, about me being blamed for the sins of others, when, it was NOT MY FAULT. I wrote this poem, during that ordeal:

No Milk Of Human Kindness

Woke, after barely sleeping,

To the sound of gentle rain--

The tears of God from Heaven--

Does He care about my pain?

My attorney left a message:

My case is winding down,

But we've still not seen the money 

That could help me leave this town . . . .

Sixteen years here, trying to live,

Has very nearly killed me!

There is no milk of human kindness

In any face or heart that I see.

Oh, well, maybe there is some, here and there,

And some weak substitutions

That give a civil overtone

To this town's social institutions.

I walked in the rain to the Post Office--

The guy there snickered in my face

When I asked a simple question

Like I should've learned my place.

I walked back to my apartment building,

No umbrella, in light rain.

Wondering, pondering seriously

Just who is true insane!

Am I the crazy person, here,

Because I seek sweet human touch?

When did caring, sharing, trusting

Become expecting too damn much?

What changed in people's hearts and minds

That made me seem silly, sick, or scared

Over years, through changing times,

For my belief that humans should have cared?

I saw the mailman in the hallway;

He turned to me to say,

"Don't check your box; it's empty--

I have nothing for you today."

"You, and the rest of the world," I replied.

To hide my tears, I turned and was gone

Back into my apartment then,

Cold, damp, needy, and alone.

Someone also said to me today

"Don't do what you don't wanna do . . ."

But, really, what difference does it make,

When what you do want is not an option for you.

Next week I start back as a dancer . . .

Which I swore I would never do . . . 

But at least in a bar I can justify

Why I'll show my body, but not heart, to you--

You-- other folks in this town, on this planet

That just wouldn't spare me a drink

Of the milk of human kindness--

It's okay, 'cause yours soured and stinks!

Keep your non-nourishing substitutions

To yourself, 'cause I'll be drinking wine.

I won't thirst for the milk of your kindness again

'Cause it's just been a waste of my time.

- This ode to Omaha

   written in its entirety

   on May 3, 1996, by

   Deborah Gayle Robinson   

    

* Scapegoating - Wikipedia 

Scapegoating is the practice of singling out a person or group for unmerited blame and consequent negative treatment.

"A scapegoat is defined as a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings and faults of others. The origin of the word is an ancient Jewish tradition in which a goat was symbolically sent into the wilderness to atone for the people's sins."  https://www.regain.us/advice/family/are-you-the-family-scapegoat-signs-you-may-be-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/

"If you were the scapegoat of your family, what you have experienced is emotional and psychological abuse. Victims of scapegoating often suffer from addiction, depression, PTSD and/or obsessive compulsive disorders." https://blavity.com/12-things-the-family-scapegoat-will-know-to-be-true/12-things-the-family-scapegoat-will-know-to-be-true?category1=editorial-desk&category2=relationships

"Incredible as it might seem, there are families that scapegoat a loved one even into and including adulthood. For a variety of reasons we will explore one member becomes the target of accusations, blame, criticism and ostracism. While it’s happening, family members are totally unaware of what they are doing and would deny it if confronted with their behavior. Often, scapegoating begins in childhood and continues into and throughout adulthood.

Why would a family choose a loved one to bully and scapegoat? The answer has a lot to do with the concept of scapegoating and the purpose it serves. Scapegoating is often a way for families to hide problems that they cannot face." https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/toxic-families-who-scapegoat/

"In my personal and professional experience, children selected as scapegoats – like Chet – usually stand out. They possess a presence that is palpable to others. They often have a keen sense of fairness and instinctively protest injustice. They are perceptive and can see bad character when it’s present. They are often very empathic and care about others’ feelings. They are often protective of people they care about. They can be very intelligent. Most of all, they are tough. The malignant narcissist only chooses a child as a scapegoat who can take it. The former wants to see the child suffer but not so much that they cannot keep hurting them habitually." https://jreidtherapy.com/scapegoated-by-narcissistic-parent/

"She will pay a lifelong price for sins she did not commit, however, because it is difficult and painful to extract oneself from one’s family. It is counter to the most basic of human needs for home, shelter, affiliation. It is a cruel and inexcusable undertaking for a family to scapegoat a member.

If you look at the research regarding the fate of individuals who have been relentlessly bullied, you can draw conclusions about what happens to scapegoated family members, for scapegoating is bullying with focused and long-term intensity. Some bullied children go on to become bullies themselves. Some develop social skills to divert and challenge bullying, though the scars of having been bullied may insert themselves into their lives in many ways for many years to come. Others, however, do not survive, driven to suicide." https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blameless-burden-scapegoating-in-dysfunctional-families-0130174

"Narcissists often look charming on the outside but cause great pain and trauma for their victims."

https://mindandbodyworks.com/survivors-and-thrivers-of-narcissistic-abuse/

"People doubt the abuse took place - Narcissistic abuse is often subtle. When it happens in public, it might be so well disguised that others hear or see the same behaviors and fail to recognize them as abuse. You might not even fully understand what’s happening. You only know you feel confused, upset, or even guilty for your 'mistakes.' . . . A narcissistic parent might gently say, . . . 'You’re so clumsy. You just can’t help yourself, can you?' They laugh with everyone in the room while patting your shoulder to make the insult seem well intentioned." https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome#doubt-from-others

"They will call you crazy — listing all the events when you tried to speak up for yourself. They will make you question your own memory and sanity, distorting the past and pretending it didn’t even happen." https://medium.com/mind-cafe/what-if-im-the-narcissist-and-not-the-victim-88ccde8fe62d

** Gaslighting - Gaslighting is a slow form of brainwashing that makes a victim question their reality. Typical gaslighting techniques include denying something when there's proof, projecting onto others, and telling blatant lies. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

*** Take the fall - informal phrase meaning to receive blame or punishment, typically in the place of another person.

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The following, two, items, are helpful articles, related to the themes, of this post:

". . . repeating the mantra: 'I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you' . . . he healed himself first. . . . It is by making the unconscious conscious that you come to develop healthy relationships that originate from your authentic self." 

https://medium.com/the-mission/why-people-always-treat-you-according-to-the-way-you-unconsciously-treat-yourself-c4f0e1ae21d

"To encourage positive and discourage offensive behavior:

Do not reward behaviors in others that you wish to eliminate.

Follow actor Alan Alda's advice: 'Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they're fair with you.'

Learn to speak up assertively.

Do not reward unkind behavior from others.

If someone treats you badly, say so—do not smile and pretend it's okay."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-well/201109/are-you-teaching-people-treat-you-badly