Bad Luck? Bad Men? Or Family Curses?

I deleted the personal profile that I had on one singles' website, after David broke my heart. I kept the other one of the two on the site where Joe and I had seemed to have a strong, and promising, connection, with one another, before it fell apart, when he got angry at me over David. So far no one else, that is interesting to me, has messaged me, on the remaining dating site, since those two men both caught my attention and even captured my heart; so I have been tempted to delete it, as well, and give up. Again. I definitely don't need my heart broken anymore, if I can possibly prevent that from happening. There's been far too much pain as it is from my relationships with other human beings, and not nearly enough, happiness, joy, or fulfillment, when those people have been in my life. Because of that, I am very much living in a 'cut my losses' mode by doing all that I can to avoid relationships of any kind with people who seem to me to be, disrespectful, fake, untrustworthy, shallow, selfish, manipulative, two-faced, abusive, dangerous, controlling, a liar or gossip, betrayer, tormentor (such as a narcissist who's compelled to put the victim through things that are very destructive), and even, just plain stupid, people. This certainly narrows down who I'm willing to open up to, and welcome into my life. It also, definitely, narrows the field of men I will even consider as potential partners.

The Bible speaks of several generational family curses but also asserts that 'In the last days the love of many will grow cold' (Matthew 24:12) in general; so between those two things I feel like my chances to experience, real, love in my life-- of any kind-- is somewhere between slim to none. While that's a very depressing thought to me, it seems to be the way that things have almost always gone for me, in love relationships throughout my life. It is what it is. In my struggle to understand why so many people seem to have found-- real-- love while I have never really had 'all the stars align' for me with that, I do ponder whether, I am just not lovable, or if I should give more credence to the possibility of an actual curse, on my family, as it relates to this. During my last divorce, I took back my maiden name. I don't know too much about my father's family because he really didn't ever talk about it at all when I was growing up, or even after. But, since I am related by blood I may also be under a curse passed down on his side of the family, if there is such a thing. It may be farfetched, but as I search for answers, that I don't have, and have never had, as to why love has so eluded me throughout my life, I am willing to consider all possibilities. After all, scripture says in no uncertain terms that curses are real.

I never knew my father's father. The only time he was even brought up to me, as a child, was when we were told that he had died, from being pinned, between his tractor and a trailer or something connected to it, and he was crushed to death. I think that was what happened anyway. My father was a man of few words, and a stern bearing, for the most part, so not very much was said to us, about it, at all; and I was just a young girl when this happened. We dressed up in Sunday clothes and went to the man's funeral, and that was that. My dad spent his life estranged from his parents, and I also spent the majority of my life estranged from mine, in first an emotional and then, also, a physical sense. That could be another possible Robinson curse in itself, although I was, and am, the only family member to sever ties with my family of origin, after I was thrust into the role of family black sheep, AKA scapegoat, which had, and has, everything, to do with that decision, of mine.

 

I am not sure if my father's parents were still together, but I seem to recall a step father being in the picture, and running my dad off, when he wasn't old enough to be on his own. I did meet my father's mother, and someone told me that she also dabbled in witchcraft. I don't know if that was true but ignorant country folk often hold onto alot of superstitions and such that, at the very least, can cause them to engage in some strange things. I believe his parents were divorced and my father divorced my mother, late, in life (in their mid-to-late-60s, I think it was), after my brother's suicide (by a self-inflicted gunshot to the heart) caused them to be even more strained with one another than they were before that. My dad's three sisters all also divorced I think. I'm not sure about one, but recall us visiting her, and her husband was an alcoholic. She scolded him for scaring us children by his behavior in that condition. Other than, that, tense, visit, we had very few interactions, with her. I feel fairly certain that their marriage did not make it, though. The other two sisters definitely divorced. After working so hard, for so many years, building their farm and their family, Peggy's husband Bill began to gamble, in, high stakes, card games, and bet the family farm, and lost it. Everything, they had worked hard for, was gone. Ginny's husband was the uncle that attempted to pull me into their bed and sexually molest me one weekend when I was sleeping over at their house. My family had gone on a trip and I didn't want to go on that long drive, so I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house, for a couple of days. Uncle Jim had never done that to me before, or after, but it was, really scary, for me, because it happened when my aunt left for work Saturday morning, and I was alone in the house with this uncle, who became a sexual predator. They did not divorce for that though. It turned out he did this kind of crap to other young female relatives, besides me. But, they got divorced when he ran off with the woman that was Aunt Ginny's best friend. Ginny never had it easy, in her search for real love, either. The next man she trusted her heart and life to stole all her money and left her. I lost touch with her as the years went by, so I don't know, what happened, after that. All this marital misery makes me wonder if there really is some curse at work, in my family tree, that is actually undermining our chances, for real lasting love, or if there is just alot of bad people in the world who don't make good romantic partners. My only brother, Mike, killed himself, because of the constant lack of fulfilling romantic love, in his life. His luck with women was so bad that, he died a virgin at the age of 40. Brokenhearted, he had become despondent from the complete hopelessness he felt about ever being loved by any woman that he loved. He was on the phone with the most recent one that was rejecting him, however nicely, when she heard the gun go off, and called the police. I talked to the detective, about it, by phone, and he told me all of this.

On my mother's side of the family, her mother, was married three times. The first one was rather abusive I believe because she went to great lengths to hide one of her pregnancies from this man, despite it being his child. The second was a happy match, but I believe he died of cancer. The third was not affectionate but stood by her until his death. I think there were 7 children altogether from these marriages, 5 of which had long, loving, marriages, one that got pregnant out of wedlock, but found a man willing to marry her and stay with her and be a stepfather to her son that she conceived, and one (my mother), that was the only one, of the 7, to ever be divorced. Based on that, including because she married a Robinson and they all got divorced on his side of the family, there could be grounds for believing there is something to the Robinson family curse. My sister Pat never divorced, but she had a different father than my dad, apparently from an affair our mother had, with the man who fathered her, so she wouldn't come under this Robinson curse, if there is one, although she was raised right along with us as if she were a Robinson. Lastly, my youngest sister, has never divorced, but is a Robinson, and I can't explain why she seems to have avoided a 'doomed' relationship. She, often, seems, bitchy and bossy, but her husband seems to go along with her every mood, pout, and sulk so I think that she is so strong-willed that she probably made his life miserable, if he didn't kowtow to her. He makes excuses for her no matter how badly she behaves just to 'keep the peace', as much as possible. She is extremely overbearing, when she is not getting her own way with everything, and/or isn't happy for any reason, no matter how small a thing is triggering her, very volatile temperament. She has a fairly dark and dour personality, that rears its ugly head when she is not getting her way. She makes me cringe! I'm so relieved to be back to 'No Contact' with her after accommodating her during the settling of our mother's estate after she died, only to have Pam return to her frequently surly self again, soon after I had signed all the paperwork and she no longer needed my help with all of that. Her husband explains away, and excuses, all her ugly behaviors, so I truly do think that he has been severely hen-pecked by her over the years to act that way about how she is.

I think his religious faith prevents him from ever seriously considering getting out. He's a good guy, but he helped create the overbearing monster she can be, by his rationalizations to himself and others, as he seems to disregard her, over-the-top, bad behaviors, rather than, really, confront, the punitive posturing, that she does. Because he doesn't do that, he enables her to continue carrying on in these ways.

As for me, I'm not an easy woman to love, either, in my own ways. I'm extremely honest about things, including subjects that many find uncomfortable to confront, and more people than not aren't big fans of honesty. I'm a loner and a homebody. I love my privacy! I didn't like marriage, and don't want to try that anymore, with anyone, despite my religious upbringing; but I would like a romantic partner-- if I can ever find a really good guy that it can work out with (which hasn't happened, so far). When someone pushes my buttons, until they really piss me off, I have a righteous indignation that explodes, into full anger, if I am being disrespected, or mistreated in some way, which isn't being dealt with, and stopped. I'm extremely independent. I don't let others control me by their attitudes, or actions, opinions, or oppression. I don't care, who doesn't like me, or what I am doing with my life.

 

People that have known me a long time, and never seen me lose my temper, are shocked, if/when that happens, because I normally just 'live and let live', and am generally gentle with people, although I am not particularly 'social', since I am an introvert by nature. When people piss me off, usually by mistreating me, I can go from happy to hostile, and warm and friendly to cold as ice, in an instant. Once I lose my temper it takes me A VERY LONG TIME to calm down toward that person or persons, again; IF EVER. Some people have PUSHED ME SO FAR that, there IS NO GOING BACK to being on good terms with me. I simply lost any and all desire to put up with them, or their bullshit, anymore. Once I get REALLY PISSED OFF, I don't often cool down. That person has TURNED ME OFF, and the way I see it is, I JUST DON'T NEED THEM, in my life. I can be quick, to WRITE PEOPLE OFF, if they DON'T TREAT ME WELL. Sometimes, men have miscalculated that they matter, to me, SO MUCH, that I will TAKE THEIR SHIT. As people on social media sites put it they 'fuck around, and find out', when I DON'T DO THAT. I will tell them to leave, and hold the door open for them, to get out of my life, without batting an eye, or shedding a tear, if they try to make me choose between valuing myself or them. I ALWAYS CHOOSE ME if they make the mistake of MAKING THAT A CHOICE for me. It isn't just men that I do that with. I do that with ANYONE that MISTREATS ME. I have NO motivation to fight for any relationship that I am NOT TREATED WELL IN.

I'm ALOT HAPPIER when people like THAT are GONE from my life. Good riddance!

It is SAD to me, when people that THINK I LOVE THEM will use THAT, as a reason to take me for granted, disrespect me, mistreat me, humiliate me and abuse me. When they start that shit I allow it to go on however long it takes to KILL OFF MY LOVE FOR THEM, by using, the deep hurt, and anger, at being treated that badly. They seem to be unaware of my using it to motivate me to get rid of them. They seem to mistakenly believe that I'm alright with their treating me badly, because  I, seemingly at least, allowed them to get away with it. However, I bide my time, and ONCE THEY'VE DESTROYED MY LOVE, I CUT THEM LOOSE, and they are left, truly shocked, like, "What the hell happened? She never reacted like that before!" My answer to that is, "Listen up, DUMB JERK, YOU MADE THAT POSSIBLE FOR ME to STOP CARING ABOUT YOU, and now you are OUT OF MY HEART AND MY LIFE!"

So, with my deep need to be alone, so much of the time, and my desire to avoid being mistreated, or married, that prevents men from ultimately dominating me, and my volcanic temper that is usually hidden out of sight but is scary to people,  if or when it erupts, my fierce independence, which makes me 'need' people alot less than they think that I do and makes me well able to cut them out of my life, far more quickly and easily than most people are able to do, or want to do, I can be a real challenge, for anyone trying to love me, or even just find their place, in my life. Whether it's a family member, a friend, a romantic partner, a neighbor or anyone else, I live my life on my own terms, and while I do not try to impose my will on how others live their life I'm protective and possessive of how I live mine.

These things, about me, may be what make me so hard to love. I am going to be 'me', and be true to who and what I am, though, regardless of who likes it or has a problem with it. I need to be loved for myself or else it isn't really love. It is not always the unloved person that is the problem preventing love, either. I think that I am actually very lovable, once I am comfortable enough to open up to someone and let my personality shine through! If someone gets to know me, for who I am, and makes me feel safe to be open and loving, with them, I'll have a much better chance of finally finding love. Other people not acting loving, for whatever reason, can prevent love, from being part of the relationship. I think about the fun things, I could do with someone, in a romantic relationship, but Covid is also still around, and I would have to contend with that highly contagious virus if I stop isolating to become intimate with someone. I feel like, COVID, has RUINED MY LIFE, in ways.

 

 

I don't try to rule and run other people for my own gain, or for control over them and the situation. I like, giving and receiving, mutual respect, and understanding, reciprocity, equality, yin and yang, sharing joy and laughter, nurturing each other, affection. I thrive in that kind of environment and relationship! I smile more in it, reveling in the sacred sweetness of sharing life with another soul in a safe space.  I would never want to try to get what I thought I wanted or needed from another person by bullying, browbeating, coercion, or control. The ones that try that crap on me are excluded from my life; banished because of their bullshit. I don't need it, and if they choose to act that way toward me, I don't need them. I'd rather do without people like that. They are JOY STEALERS. I'm VERY protective of my joy!

I really don't know if I have never found REAL romantic love with anyone because of bad luck, bad men, or family curses. I just know that it is the ONE desire of my heart that STILL ELUDES ME; and with the added oppression of Covid, spreading, yet again, in a, never-ending, morphing into different strains, I don't even think it is possible for me to, physically, be with a man, safely, even if I finally find a good one. It is frustrating to me though that jerks and bitches seem to have no trouble finding a romantic partner in their lives, but people like me that want to give love even more than get love, but hope for both those things, seem to spend our lives doing without, for whatever reason. If I am not lovable because of imperfections, then how are other, clearly imperfect, people, able to find real love, in their lives?

 

I hope I'm not under a curse when it comes to finding love, but it seems like that:

I don't have the answers. I do know that, I can be, a difficult person to deal with, though; including, because, my expectations are high. I totally turn off, toward a man, if I find out they lied, to me. I believe God always reveals to me if someone lies to me, because He is a God of truth. It doesn't always happen right away, but in the end the TRUTH will come out: Luke 8:17 (NIV) "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." When I find out that I was lied to, the hurt, and betrayal, drive a wedge between me and the person who did that to me, and I allow the pain of it to alter my feelings about them. After all, they showed me that they don't respect me, by doing that. I don't feel respect for people who don't respect me, because I know that, I am worth treating well! I also know, they don't lie because of what is wrong with me. They lie, because of, what is wrong with them. I may never know, why I can't seem to find the right guy, but I do know, I'm worth treating with real respect, even with my faults and flaws. I've been around enough people in my life to know that I am A VERY SPECIAL WOMAN, in some significant ways. I know that a man would be lucky to have my love in his life; but would I be lucky to have his, or would I regret ever letting him into my heart? I don't want to waste my love on someone that doesn't appreciate it and doesn't reciprocate it. I DESERVE BETTER.

Bullies, Bitches, and Backstabbers

“I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz.

                                                          

Human beings are my least favorite species. They are surely the most two-faced, and treacherous. Some are better than others, and my few-but-true friends have their good points or they wouldn't be my friends, because I am really picky when

it comes to people I allow into my life. Beliefs and behaviors are shaped by what we learn about others and ourselves in interactions with one another. I didn't get the best foundation for my thoughts about and reactions to other human beings, because of being raised in a home that largely lacked affection and affirmation. I felt emotionally, and sometimes physically, unsafe, in that environment, and that left its mark on me, to be sure. I was raised in the South where there was prissy, pristine, adherence to sitting in a church pew on Sunday mornings wearing white gloves and the requisite hat of that era for all females to at least outwardly show reverence. Patent leather shoes, and petticoat, were also required, as reverential regalia that I was told I had to wear, to be acceptable to God, when it turned out,  it was really to earn the approval of others, by meeting their standard for all little Southern girls, of that time. Most people-- including, Southerners-- wear jeans or shorts to church now and as far as I know lightning hasn't struck any of them yet. It is my belief that God wants us to be real with Him and one another; not phony.

You were born to be real, not perfect.

                                                          

I had a racist father, and a miserable mother, and siblings that were never, really, there for each other, as we each tried to cope with the situation as best we could. My whole family tree would have testified at any Wednesday night church service that they were devout religious folk, but I don't think my Uncle Jim would've told the congregation that he attempted to sexually assault me when I was 12, or my Uncle Edwyn would have told everyone how, he, started a church, himself, at one point but it never really took root, perhaps because whenever a black couple had tried to attend one of his Christian services he told them it was not for them, and invited them to leave and attend a, segregated, church across town, instead. The South is particularly good at 'keeping up appearances', at all costs, and, some, of those costs are high. Things are not always what they seem to be on the surface. No matter what people do or don't do, the truth seems to always come out in the end. Is anything, or anybody, what, they seem, to be, at face value? I don't even trust my gut, anymore, because I keep being shocked, on a regular basis, when I had thought that I knew, who, or what, I was dealing with. Who can I even trust?

The truth always comes out in the end, no matter how hard anyone tries to hide it or stop it. Lies are just a temporary delay. I think, God, intended it to be that way.

God is Truth, and, is a God of truth, so we can't really have one without the other.

The trouble is people seem to forget that they are sinners, and when people start to forget that fact, it fosters alot of, pride, and hypocrisy, in people, who begin to, then, regard themselves, their particular religious affiliation, and their friends and family, as being the 'true' Christians, but this or that person or religious group are not. That leads to them passing holier-than-thou judgements on others; losing an awareness that, GOD KNOWS, about every single person's sins and shortcomings, and it is HIM, that will be our final Judge, in the end. My pet peeve, is when these fellow Christians call out my sins and pride themselves on exposing what they see as mine, as they cover up (even while, simultaneously, demonstrating!) their own. Who the hell do they think they are, doing that to me? IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF. However, even WHEN I KNOW, that they are DOING THAT, TO ME, I don't, usually, expose theirs, in that way, choosing instead to let the Lord 'sift them like wheat'*. I also leave alot of the crap to karma which has a way of leveling the playing field.

                                                             

I am 'real', so the 'perfect' people criticize and ostracize me for that, and I COULD CARE LESS! I just CONSIDER THE SOURCE. They, are showing ME, who THEY are.

                                                          

This post is about bullies, bitches and backstabbers and that includes some of my neighbors. A clique, of them, anyway. Thankfully, other people, here, are my true friends. They, are worth everything, to me, because, they allow me the right, and privilege, of being myself; and they, are my friend, WHEN THEY KNOW WHO I AM. What a BLESSING TRUE FRIENDS are IN THIS WORLD! They make our lives more meaningful, and more fun. I'm SO DEEPLY GRATEFUL to GOD for THEM in my life! As for these other hateful people who have defamed me and damaged my quality of life, by their gossip and rumors they have perpetrated and perpetuated against me, they will look me right in the eye, and say that, they are a GOOD Christian. I sit here, shaking my head, as I think back over, how they have mistreated me (as a fellow Christian, too!) in ways that one would normally think would only be done to someone's worst enemies; if then. These are, definitely, not things that, JESUS, would do. Why, is it, that people who have only been saved by God's GRACE, tend to be the ones not showing it to others? It causes an 'us against them' exclusivity. When people mistreat me my usual reaction is to shut them out of my life in order to protect myself from as much harm, from them, as possible. I learned to do this when I was made to be the scapegoat for my dysfunctional family, from the time I was a small child and couldn't possibly have been to blame for all of the toxicity in that unhappy home. I've acquired certain traits, that have become a part of who I am now, from the things people have put me through that broke my tender heart.

At my core, I'm much like a puppy who is so joyful and open, wanting to be loved, until they mistreat me, physically, emotionally and/or mentally. Then I shut down.

                                                             

I cherish my, personal, relationship with God, but I do not consider myself to be a 'religious' person. I see several ways that Man's religion damaged my relationship with God, and with others, and I read social media posts about this very issue, all the time, from people whose lives, and faith, have also, been deeply damaged, by the dissonance between, what a religion says, it will bring to our lives, and what it actually does. Just based on the results of that in my life, alone, I believe that the effect that religion has on human beings is more often than not, to force us into a false piety, that hinders us, from having the very freedom that Christ promised us that we would find, by knowing, and embracing, truth! I see religious dogma, and doctrine, as forces for destructive dysfunction in peoples' lives. There are so many different denominations within Christianity, and church splits occurring, within alot of those, as well. It seems fairly obvious, that, unity, and love, are lacking, among alot of churchgoers. From what I have read people saying online about Christians, many of them don't want anything at all to do with such human beings, and sadly, their God, because Christians, they observe, and experience, have horrified them! They don't see LOVE, or TRUTH, or anything else at all appealing, that would draw them in. The human heart, is hungry for, love, and acceptance; not judgement, or scorn. Below are comments that were posted online, which are some examples, of it. I simply went on a social media site and typed in 'Christian' just now to get the posts, shown, as I knew without a doubt, sadly, that these are all too easy to find.

@Ralpharmony

Spoke with some colleagues today about THE GOSPEL of Jesus... Then I noticed that Religion has done more damage than we can imagine... I mean, the minds of some people have been so damaged by religion, they see Christianity as a joke.

@BenjaminMoss116
I believe a lot of people oppose Christianity because they have been hurt and damaged by Christians.

@as_king55
There’s a person in my life who I’m convinced doesn’t like me solely because I’m Christian, even though I’ve made every effort to prove I’m not “one of those”. I’m sad! Not for me that this person doesn’t like me, I’m sad because people are so damaged by toxic Christianity

@mstarjd

If you want to know what’s wrong with so many Christians today, dip your toes into the Beth Moore timeline where tons of dudes are twisting themselves into pretzels to justify not loving others.

@yonglivingnow
Wow, don’t be like this POS - especially if you call yourself a Christian. His church must be guiding their patrons to do some bad stuff. It’s stuff like this that will polarize common people to become atheists.

@saintejoan

The entire SBC is under investigation for sexual abuse, and yet Southern Baptists are like “you know what the real problem is? Beth Moore.”

@OliviaCastetter
Replying to @saintejoan
Ah, yes, the classic "We can't blame the victims coming forward because we know they're telling the truth, so let's deflect to an empowered woman!" tactic.

@mccraechum

Christianity goes hand in hand with racism. Racism is enabled by Christianity. Not to mention misogyny and basically everything else bad. Stop enabling Christians and hold them accountable.

@dont_correct

White Christian Nationalists are not religious, they are an anti-American hate group. I feel bad for actual christians who have had their religion hijacked this way.

@Jane57Lisa

CHRISTIAN does not mean what it used to nor what it is supposed to mean. Not anymore. Might as well face it "Christians." The name, the image of Christianity has been forever changed and severely damaged by ... politics. This is what you've sacrificed for politics.

@TommasinaResist
Like the Pharisees... today’s evangelicals have damaged the name of Christianity by misusing the faith as a political weapon driven by greed & thirst for power.

@dbergstresser
Yeah, I’m a Christian, but I think that Christianity as a “brand” is being damaged by folks who use the religion as a hammer for beating up on folks, basically a tool for gratifying their own lusts for power and dominance.

@MrCasey62

St. John Eudes, on bad priests: “Instead of leading their people to God, they drag Christian souls into hell in their train. St. Gregory the Great says that priests and pastors will stand condemned before God as the murderers of any souls lost through neglect or silence.”

@AndrewRChapman
Sadly, some people are still damaged by this shit even decades after leaving Christianity. It is abusive.

@DrBobini
He is certainly no Christian. True Christians are followers of Christ, who would NEVER do hateful, harmful things to anyone, even nonbelievers. Christians are to love and care for others, second only to loving God.

@t1jediabetic
I don’t know. I feel like there is a God. But I’m so damaged by Christianity, it’s hard to grasp. I think religion and church are far too fucked up to fix.

@christianamillr

it absolutely boggles my mind how Christians can come up with all kinds of excuses for talking bad about someone behind their back.

@DrShamwell
Let them judge you.  Let  them  misunderstand  you.  Let them gossip about you. Their opinions aren’t your problems. You stay kind, committed to love and free in your authenticity.  No matter what  they do  or say, don’t you  doubt  your worth.

@MindHaste

Never stop being a good person because of bad people.

@alli_processing
All the rejection and lack of love from the Christian community taught me the importance of loving myself.

@JD_Quotes2017

Don’t you hate when people can't see the wrong in their actions, but see the wrong in yours?!

                                                   

Men have broken my heart badly at times in my life. Not that women are any less heartbreaking, in how they treat me at times, but it's a different type of pain that they cause me, by the cessation of any chance of having a supportive sisterhood. Women can be so vicious, vindictive, and venomous toward any woman that they feel resentful of, for any reason, and they justify this behavior, to themselves and others, for little or no provocation, by the other female object of their, singular, or shared, scorn. >sigh!< The cat claws come out; and it can turn ugly immediately. Women are quick to 'size up (what they perceive as) the competition' and go into battle mode to secure their place in the pecking order of hens in the barnyard. In  a previous post I described my first experience with this type of thing when I was in junior high school, and I feel like I am back in junior high school now, with this. [See https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2022/02/you-will-always-have-lot-of-friends.html.] The shock, for me, though, comes from the fact that the females currently treating me this way are mostly senior citizens, in their 60s to 80s! I was, so looking forward to, sharing life with people in my age group, until I arrived at my destination, and was disliked, from Day One, of moving here, by women that couldn't control me, and didn't appreciate me voicing any opinions of my own unless it was to affirm, and strictly adhere to, their views. Because it is such a new lifestyle for me I had no idea that this type of 'retirement living' in my 'golden years' would be so fraught with such females, until I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone several months ago, now, and she told me that this syndrome was apparently 'a thing', in this type of largely-senior-adult-community.

https://www.seniorhomes.com/bullying-in-senior-living-communities/ "Bullying is an increasingly common problem among seniors. While the communal-living nature of senior living communities can open the door for the formation of cliques and similar social behaviors, even seniors living in their own homes independently can be subject to bullying within their social circles."

https://www.floridatoday.com/story/life/wellness/2021/10/26/bullying-common-among-seniors-including-assisted-living-facilities/6123165001/ "Examples of bullying behavior in older adults (in and out of senior living communities) may include criticizing, ridiculing or making jokes about another person, lying or gossiping about a peer, invading a person’s space, or offensive gestures and facial expressions. .... Senior communities that don't actively promote good conduct among residents can create a thriving environment for a bully.

When explaining why bullying occurs in seniors, Pennsylvania's former Secretary of Aging, Dr. Linda Rhodes notes that “...elder bullies might have exhibited this behavior during their lifetime. Aging factors such as loss of relationships, valued roles and feeling powerless... can exacerbate the need to exert control and ignite a late-life round of bullying behavior.”

You know how you tell when someone is miserable with their own life? It's when they are looking for ways to destroy someone else's life.

I sat, shocked, with the phone to my ear, as she informed me that bullying was a frequent issue among older people in such settings. I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THIS, and it was very bad news. At this point, in what appears to be, the devolution, of Mankind, based on all the stories we hear anymore from the local to international 

newscasts, and social media, I suppose, I should not have been so surprised, as I was, when she told me about this. After all, there was a news story just last week [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/aqib-talib-ex-nfl-stars-brother-sought-fatal-shooting-coach-mike-hickmon-youth-football-game/] that a man shot and killed a coach at a youth football game. "It all happened in front of the young kids - some younger than 9-years-old -  who were  playing  and  watching  the game. Another coach told  CBS Dallas  many of them  are now scarred. Mayes said, "Half of them couldn't sleep. They've been crying, worried, don't want  to play football.  I mean, what can you expect? They're nine, they're babies." So much about our society is so loveless now, in a way that, I never thought, I would see, or experience, in my lifetime. One thing is for sure, though. The stereotype has been shattered for me, of older women being 'sweet little old ladies'. I would sooner interact with a felon, that is armed and dangerous, than a female, in my age group, at this point. Both, can potentially do damage to me, only I can calculate the risk from the felon, and the, even irreparable, harm that they could cause me, but I wasn't at all prepared for, or anticipating any possibility of, the assault on my reputation from the clique.

People start hating you when they cannot control you.

In my case it started from my very first day here-- a move, that was a miracle of God, for me, that I had hoped would bring me the privacy and peace that I didn't get living in apartments in a big city. On paper and on the surface this new home was everything that I had cried out to God for, to feed my soul in the latter years of what has been a trying and traumatic life for me, the whole way through, with few exceptions. Only, it became, more of a, 'Be careful what you wish for', reality check, upon my arrival, after driving, myself, halfway across the country, in a 26' diesel rental moving truck. All alone. At 65. If I'm anything, I'm very independent and spunky. Even so, including because it was in the middle of a deadly pandemic that I encountered everywhere I went, I was scared. The journey had been a real white-knuckle ride, for me, for several reasons. But I KNEW that, ON THE OTHER END, of this trial and tribulation of a trip, God had the deepest desire of my heart waiting for me. An actual home-- of my very own! So late, in life, that were it not for the ABSOLUTE MIRACLE of THIS HAPPENING FOR ME by the GRACE of GOD, I would have most likely spent my entire time on Earth NEVER KNOWING what this FELT LIKE-- God GIVING ME an, ACTUAL, DEEP, 'DESIRE OF MY HEART', that was ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE, any other way, than by HIS doing this FOR ME! A year later, I am STILL IN AWE of it. I STILL feel like IT'S A DREAM that I have to pinch myself, to be sure that, IT IS REAL. When the unexpected and undesirable things started to happen, with this move, from the very start, I just held onto my FAITH that GOD DID THIS, FOR ME, and BECAUSE OF THAT, HE WOULD BE FAITHFUL to HELP ME, in this circumstance that I found myself in. NOTHING, AND NO ONE, IS PERFECT, in this world, so I don't understand people that will simply say that it is better for me to abandon this amazing blessing from God He did, just because it came with some very unpleasant, and unwanted, surprises, I've had to deal with.

Ignore the things your haters are saying, trust God and start praying.

Adult bullies target people with differences from themselves, especially those who have high morals and integrity. If a new  [resident]  refuses to join an established clique, adult bullies target them. If new [residents] do not conform, they also may be targeted.

Because people tend to pass judgements on others in some very superficial ways  I know there are people here that THINK they know ALL THERE IS to know about me, yet really HAVE NO IDEA who I actually am, at my core, as far as my values. For one thing, I would never do to any of the people involved, in this clique, what they have done, to me. If I don't have a real rapport with someone that I meet, I simply don't interact with them, or associate with them, any more than I have to. But, I don't go around gossiping, about them, continually, in petty ways, or try to turn other people against them by a smear campaign. People are going to be who they are. Also, 'Water seeks its own level', as it is said. I have enough integrity to tell the truth about things, and I don't try to be vindictive toward people who hurt me. I have at least, responded, to these people, every time, they have spoken, to me, even while knowing full well how they have treated me; both, to my face and behind my back. I will continue to do that, although, I don't initiate conversations, and I am not interested in forming friendships, with these types of human beings.

@ML_Philosophy

Don't revenge, just cut them off.

Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There's nothing they won't tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they will end the friendship.

@Stopworkplacebu

You can survive a smear campaign... Go about your normal routines.. It will anger you more some days than others, but remember... Guilty people produce smear campaigns.. innocent people have no need...

People of integrity do not hide their reactions or opinions. They do not manipulate others through deception and they do not pretend to be something they are not.

Ever notice how people who don't tolerate lies, disrespect, or deceit are always labeled difficult, unstable, crazy or bitter?

No matter what people think of me, they will always peg me wrong, in some way.

People are so narrow in their thinking. I REALLY LOVE THE LORD. HE'S MY LIFE. I also, still like to dance around my house, doing some of the moves that I learned as a dancer in the nightclubs, decades ago. One thing doesn't make me religious, and the other thing doesn't make me a tramp or whatever other derogatory term that people love to hang on girls that worked in that job. As of this very day I am a woman who went 33 YEARS without KISSING any man until I kissed a man, not long ago, just to see if there was any way that I could actually become interested in him; but it was no use. There was nothing there at all, for me. No butterflies in my stomach, making my knees feel weak. That was the only 'sexual' thing I have done with ANY man for HALF MY LIFETIME, now! I haven't actually had sex for 25 years, and counting, too. I am THAT PICKY. My criteria, and standards, for such a thing, are that high. I know DANCER'S with HEARTS OF GOLD, and PASTORS that are WOMANIZING WEASELS. So, people don't, put other people down, because of FACTS. They put them down because of, BIAS, and JEALOUSY, and FEAR, and alot of other, dark emotions, THAT ARE DRIVING THEM to BE WHO THEY ARE. It is not really ABOUT, the one they are TEARING DOWN, with THEIR GOSSIP. They reveal, MUCH MORE about THEMSELVES, by behaving this way, than, about their TARGET.

                                                                                        

A friend told me once that my personality is a "joyful" one, and that is true of me, when people aren't bringing me down. I am just trying to have some lighthearted fun in my life-- especially as this pandemic drags on and on and on for years now with no end in sight, and other contagious diseases are also spreading, now, such as Monkeypox. I am a free-spirited individual, who is not at all prone to give in to peer pressure. My natural inclination is to live life as a loner, for the most part, as  I have found that, it is much more peaceful, that way, because with people comes drama. I am also a fairly cerebral individual who tends to think for myself most of the time. So, my disposition does not predispose me to want alot of people, in my private life, with their fingerprints, and footprints, all over, my sacred 'safe' space.

Trauma survivors often feel they don’t belong. Society condemns authenticity & vulnerability, yet both are necessary for a survivor to heal. When we are able to work through that trauma we find the safe belonging in ourselves & respect that  as the most sacred place to be.

@MindHaste

Privacy protects you from toxic people. 

                                                         

If I don't feel comfortable, BEING MYSELF, with someone, and I can't RELAX, with them, or feel like I can really TRUST them, then I don't want to, hang out with, or spend time socializing with, these people. I don't even want to interact with them at all, any more than is absolutely necessary. I really do not feel like I am ever all alone even though I'm physically isolated, especially given the ongoing pandemic, around 95% of the time now. I live my life with a continual awareness that God is with me, in spirit, and I talk to Him-- including out loud-- throughout every day. I also entertain myself in many ways. I talk to myself (ALSO, including, OUT LOUD) and I even do a variety of funny voices to amuse myself as well as adopt a variety of 'colorful' personas, and do whatever I am doing around the house in character! I LOVE TO LAUGH, including laughing at myself! Especially deep, full, belly laughs.

                   

@Stopworkplacebu

Please do yourself a favour. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.

                                                                             

Sometimes, just because, I have a strong sense of humor, I will begin to 'debate', something, with myself (again, OUT LOUD), as I cook supper or such, and tell ME to STOP ARGUING with ME because SHE'S ENTITLED TO HER FEELINGS AND HER OPINION. Just things to make me laugh! I'm actually REALLY GOOD COMPANY for myself, so I am NEVER BORED. I have lots of interests and hobbies-- too many to have time for, actually. I am very curious, and am an advocate of lifelong learning about all kinds of things. I am fairly well-informed, intelligent, and eclectic. Many, things, interest and inspire me. I am better company (and, much more fun!) than most people that I meet will ever hope to be-- BY FAR-- so, their presence, in my life, is not particularly appealing to me and is of little to no necessity for the most part. I am VERY PICKY about WHO I ALLOW IN to my PRIVATE LIFE. ALWAYS. So, if someone was LET IN, to MY world, they can know with certainty that they were someone special to me. Maybe 1% of the people that I meet are someone I let in to my heart and my life. I do not TRUST anyone easily. That, TAKES ALOT, for me. I am a fun but flawed person and I shut down around people that have shown me that they can't-- or won't-- accept me as I am. I am on this earth to JUST BE 'ME' and the whole spectrum of attributes and attitudes, accomplishments and anxiety that goes along with that. NO ONE is perfect, despite how, they act as if they are, at times. I'm very much a LIVE AND LET LIVE person, unless and until someone's behaviors are affecting me or my life in a detrimental way. Then I will speak up or begin to avoid them like the plague. I've learned how to advocate for myself now.

                                                       

I will never hate anyone but I will distance myself from people who do not value me.

@Stopworkplacebu

Distancing yourself from anyone who makes you feel like your voice or feelings are irrelevant is key to your survival.

I don't know who needs to hear this but...You are not selfish for distancing yourself from the people that drain you, manipulate you, or hurt you.

It's not that I don't play well with others... I just don't play well with liars, users, thieves, manipulators, bullies and assholes.

I had been through so much, for so long, before, I ever moved here, including, in the apartment that I lived in, for 4, long, miserable, years, just prior, to this, that  I had actually doubted at times that I would ever LIVE TO SEE this MIRACLE, that God did for me, by blessing me with this home of my own. I was DESPERATELY in need of PEACE and PRIVACY, when I finally arrived here. Now comes my dilemma as to how to actually describe the clique members that have made my living here alot less welcoming than I had hoped. As I see it there are 3 different ways that I can do this. Normally I am very detailed in my descriptions of people and places I have been affected by in my life-- especially, those, that I would consider to have caused a 'dark night of the soul', for me, in some way-- as the behaviors of these people have surely done. Although, these adults are accountable for their actions, and these people have been a problematic, and painful, addition to the landscape of my life, they are nevertheless my neighbors. I do have some blog readers here also, and I have no desire to spread gossip in this community because there is far too much of that, already. So, I have removed the, detailed, descriptions of them. I also could have depicted it, using memes, alone, but, I have some things to say.

I, chose, to do this, because of who I AM, and for the sake of my home and of my community, that I am a part of now. Because it has so negatively affected my life, I have needed to write, this blog post, about it. Whether, it is, the behavior, of the clique, who have done this to me, or my decision about how I would approach the subject matter, here, given the situation, our actions speak louder than our words.

 

                                                                                      

Nobody trashes your name better than someone who's afraid you'll tell people the truth.

Gossip is one of the most hostile things you can do to another human being because you might be ruining the reputation of a good person. Don't say it unless you would be OK saying it in front of the person.

Deborah Gayle Robinson @DeborahGayleRo1
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY LIFE IS LIKE NOW. WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

Someone here started a truly horrendous rumor, about me, that wasn't true at all, and not only defamed me, and my reputation, but one of the employees, here, as well, which, neither of us deserved. I cannot believe that, there are grown people, who do such, ugly, things, to one another; apparently, just for spite. Gossip which causes scandals is a very destructive thing. If I described, all of the incidents, and examples, you would be able to clearly see, for yourselves, that I've been, bullied, and backstabbed, by bitches. Their neighbor. Just someone that, they happen to live in close proximity to! We are not, FAMILY. We are not, FRIENDS. GOD KNOWS

WHAT THEY HAVE DONE, AND HOW THEY HAVE TREATED ME, THOUGH. HE ALSO, KNOWS, IF I ACTUALLY, DESERVED, HOW THEY TREATED ME. Nothing is HIDDEN!

I truly feel traumatized just thinking about what it's been like for me, with that, in the past year of my life. Detailing all of this won't make it stop, though. It is likely to continue for as long as the perpetrators of it live here. There are those that say the victim(s) of it should leave. (I am not the only one; just the MAIN one.) But it makes no sense, to say that, as if it's some solution, because 'haters gonna hate', and as long as, THEY ARE HERE, they will CONTINUE, to cause INNOCENT victims to suffer this fate, when they, unknowingly, move here right into the path of these people. These bullies, bitches, and backstabbers put others down to try to elevate themselves, but they're actually placing themselves below their victims when they do this. They are showing everyone what petty people they actually are. It is what it is. I feel sad for them, though-- that they're so insecure, fearful, jealous, mean, that they choose to spend the last, precious, years, months, or days they have on this earth, doing this, to someone, who has never done anything to them, but tell them, who I am, and how, I want, to live, my life. Strangely, that seems, to make them so unhappy! I just don't fit into their agenda, which they can't accept, about me. They each have wanted me to be a pushover, that they can control, while not acknowledging, or accepting, MY preferences, for how I wish to live MY OWN LIFE!

Funny how you became the villain in their story only after you stood up for yourself.

i can’t stress this enough. if you feel judged by them whenever you open up or share something personal about yourself, do yourself a favor and stop sharing things with them. especially after you’ve communicated that you dislike how they make you feel with their words.

@Stopworkplacebu

Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

If they don't value your boundaries, they were planning on manipulating you, and that's a form of control.

When you can't play the role they give you, they don't want you...

One minute they talk to you, the next minute they talk about you.... The funny part is they think you don't know...

"Agreeing to things just to keep the peace is actually a trauma response. When you do this you're disrespecting your boundaries. No more making yourself uncomfortable for others to feel comfortable. You have control now. You run your life. Take up space and use your voice." ~DJ Love Light How to Stop Agreeing to Things That Aren't Good for You - Tiny Buddha

When people can't get want they want from you, they either cut you out, spread lies or recruit others to hate you. Ignore them because they are toxic for your soul.

By design, a narcissist presents their "truth" in places where it can't be held to any level of scrutiny by their targets and will only emerge from that controlled environment once they have recruited the flying monkeys they couldn't have otherwise obtained via full disclosure.

It is a massive red flag when someone tries to disconnect you from other people, for any reason.

It’s weird that when several people don’t like you they form into a group

I, inadvertently, activated their hostility, like stirring up a hornet's nest, simply by, thinking for myself, and expressing my own opinions. They haven't liked that they can't control who I am. They have, made sure that, I have, paid, the price, for my freedom from that control. They've turned people against me, including those who barely know me-- and even some that have never even met me! They told vicious rumors and lies about me. The main instigator of this smear campaign against me that amounts to defamation of character, even told people, including, a real friend of mine (who told me exactly what, she was saying, about me) to 'Just cut me off. Do not be friends with me. That, they (the clique), aren't, so this person shouldn't be either'. This person is in their 70s! THINK ABOUT THAT. They are NOT, in junior high school. I sit here, shaking my head, at, such behaviors, as I am typing this. I could give you so many examples, of the petty things they have put me through. I have decided, NOT, to DO THAT, AT THIS POINT, though, because, THIS PLACE, IS STILL MY HOME. MY HOME! So, I do not want to give too much attention to these, mean-spirited jerks, that blow the concept of elderly women being 'sweet little old ladies' right out of the water. I absolutely do take great comfort in the fact that, in the end, they HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD, FOR EVERY SINGLE THING THEY DO TO ME, AND THEIR OTHER TARGETS. Also, from what I'VE seen, KARMA, is a BIGGER BITCH than THEY ARE. Since I was a loner before I came here, and will likely stay that way, I don't feel the least bit 'deprived' by their shutting me out. Actually, it's kind of a RELIEF, after the interactions with these people, were so intrusive, in my life. I don't do well, with UNEXPECTED KNOCKS at MY DOOR. I am a VERY private person, about my home life. It is VERY SACRED, TO ME! I don't SHARE that 'SAFE' SPACE with JUST ANYBODY. I DECIDE, WHO GETS THAT PRIVILEGE, AND HONOR.

When you begin to set boundaries... think of it as a new chapter, where access into your life is by "invite only"

Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge or as a personal insult on them, and think that you are nothing but a problem, but in reality, it's their toxic or abusive behaviors that led to those boundaries in the first place.

I am not, at all, like the women in the clique, and I think, that, makes me special! I don't want to be like everyone else, with a 'herd mentality', or be, a cloned copy. My personality, in its "joyful" state (which, is 'me', unless someone has hurt me or made me mad by mistreating or disrespecting me, or someone else) is bright and bubbly. I have a very vivacious personality. These things about me are the reason why, I strongly suspect that, many, of these women, that keep, targeting me, are actually, jealous of me; threatened by me, for some reason. Not one of them, has anything or anybody that I would want, though. When I came here I was the very same 'ME', with the women, as I was with the men; but, the women did not react well, to that, so I naturally gravitated toward the men here, that accepted me, for 'me'. As a result, my closest friends here, so far, have been guys. I wasn't allowed to be MYSELF, by the women, and, I WAS NOT HAVING THAT! THESE are MY LAST YEARS to be ALL that I CAN be, WHILE I STILL CAN, and I want to experience ALL of it. I'm not living for anybody else but ME. If I don't live fully NOW, I NEVER will.

If not NOW, WHEN?

I feel, time ticking, more, than ever, before, in my life. Especially, with Covid, and such, on the scene, longevity is just not something that any of us at any age, can count on, anymore. I'm not going to spend my precious days of life being brought down by neighbors, that are not family and are not even friends, that I did not let control me or directly disrespect me, and I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF. The way I see it, these people, are AROUND my life, but they are not IN my life. I CHOOSE, who gets THAT PRIVILEGE, and, IT WILL NOT BE THEM. From what I've heard here, in conversations with other people, there is nobody, that likes, everybody, here. The clique members, were shut out of my life because of how THEY treated ME. There isn't ONE thing that ANY of them can EVER truly claim, that I DID, to THEM. I just stood up for myself, by setting boundaries, I need, in place, that they did not like.

Someone who uses your anger against you when your anger is justified due to their bad behavior is a person who is manipulative to their core. They will do anything to escape accountability for their crimes. Usually, by blaming the victims and using defamation to discredit victims.

"Be the bigger person" is BS advice. My bigness is not determined by my capacity to quietly absorb bullying, degradation, or abuse.

To this day, there isn't one time, that they've spoken to me, that I haven't replied.

I have left it to them to speak first, because, in each case, they were the one that walked away from me, or turned on me, when I had been interacting with them. I find it very interesting that one of the things they brainwashed people with, about me, is saying that I am too talkative. By doing this they have created reactions in people to me that have caused them to treat me very rudely. It isn't even rational based on the facts. I spend 95% of my time alone, away from everyone here. I'm not saying anything at all to the very people that spread this rumor about me that makes people reactive to me in a negative way. These same women, interact with one another often on a daily basis. Those conversations last for varying lengths of time, up to, quite lengthy, ones-- much, longer, than I've ever spoken with any of them in the past-- as well as being much more frequently, than my loner self ever wanted to be involved in; which is, therefore, one of the things, I avoided, getting entangled in, when I moved here. Sometimes, it seems like the people, that have been recruited into this clique, don't think, for themselves, at all! They believe, all that they are told about me, without questioning it, and let it affect their behavior toward me, and their reactions to my trying to be friendly, with them. So, I finally just stopped trying. I haven't been to a single social event, here; initially, because of Covid, but, additionally, because, I've been traumatized by seeing residents act as if I'm anathema, to them, even when they have only met me, barely spoken to me, or don't even know me, at all. This woman's tongue, that turned these people against me, is the same tongue she uses to claim she's a Christian, and pray with. I am by no means perfect. I struggle against my own sinfulness, at times. But she has done this, to me, consistently, over a long span of time, showing no signs of a repentant heart. I've often wondered how she lives with herself or sleeps at night.

You cannot treat people like garbage and worship God at the same time.

"Rumors are created by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots." - Paulo Coelho

Rumors can make you dislike innocent people. Don't judge people off of what others are saying about them. Be wise, get to know them for yourself, then form your own opinion. The one talking to you, may be the one you need to stay away from.

Anyone who easily believes lies about you without hearing your side of the story first was probably looking for a reason to be against you anyway.

@Stopworkplacebu

Only cowards blame the victims. It's their way of escaping accountability for their choice to commit a crime against you.

100% of bullies, sociopaths, narcissists, and manipulators who tell you you're too sensitive, are saying it because, they do not want to be held responsible, for your reaction, when they mistreat you... Criminals hate accountability.

When people hear, and accept, something as truth, they will act on that, even if it is actually not the truth; or not always, the truth. This clique, injected biases, into peoples' minds about me, that have affected their thoughts about me; therefore it has affected their behavior, toward me, and, rarely, do they give me the benefit of the doubt, and determine whether they like me for themselves. I come up against this barrier that the clique created to cause people to shut me out, here, all of the time. They've caused this to be an enormous obstacle, for me to overcome, which quite honestly, I'm often not willing or able to do. This clique has made things alot harder for me, for no reason, other than meanness. The, main, one, doing this, to me, is a churchgoing Christian. If they ever actually ask themselves, "What would Jesus do?", I doubt the answer would be that He would do these things to me. I'm also a Christian, and when I first moved here, this woman, and I, talked about our faith in God. So, SHE IS WELL AWARE, that she is treating another Christian these ways. I have endured this treatment ever since my first day, living here; just over a year ago, now. Sometimes, the, calculated, cruelty, of this, has taken my breath away. Especially after the unconscionable rumor was started that I accused a staff member of attempted rape, when NOTHING OF THE KIND, happened, like that, AT ALL, and I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT! It was gut-wrenching, to hear this!

To know that, this, evil lie, was going around, and that people were believing that.

I have NEVER taken management's time, to tell them, MY SIDE OF THIS, so they could SEE that I haven't done ANYTHING TO THESE PEOPLE to warrant being the object of such malicious mudslinging. The one, that I've described, that has done the most damage, to me, from my first day here, and that knows, that I'm also a Christian, was known to me, from the beginning, for being who, and what, she is. Yet I saw several packages addressed to her, one day, shortly after I moved here, sitting on the porch outside of the office, and I took them to her, because it didn't seem that she knew they were there in the central delivery area. When I dropped them off, at her house, she told me that, her birthday, was coming up, very soon, and the date. Having moved here, only about 6 weeks before, this conversation, I was still social distancing, and taking, other precautions, because of, the Covid-19 pandemic. But I went home, and found a birthday card, and I took it around to as many other residents here as I could find, asking them to sign it, for her birthday.

That SAYS ALOT ABOUT ME because I was LITERALLY TERRIFIED OF COVID, back then, yet I was walking right up to anyone, I could find, to get her card filled with well wishes, and love, so that, she would have a wonderful birthday. Some, of the people, even snickered, to one another, right in front of me; actually, saying that, this new neighbor (me) that SHE DESPISES, is going around gathering signatures and statements on her birthday card, and that she would, therefore, NOT LIKE IT.

It was not a SECRET from ANYONE-- INCLUDING, ME-- that she intensely disliked me; and for no good reason. I had no illusions about that, or how she treated me behind my back. I just saw an opportunity to BLESS A FELLOW CHRISTIAN, and I did that. Even so I am NOT an 'ASS KISSER' AT ALL! I didn't do that so she would 'like' me. I DON'T LIKE HER. I think she's mean, and a fake. I was simply treating her as Jesus told me to: 'Love your neighbor as yourself; do good unto those who persecute you', etc. I would want somebody to give me a loving birthday card, so  I did that for HER, because, I LOVE THE LORD. I left it at her door. She knew that, I was the one behind it, because a couple of weeks after her birthday, when I was walking past her house, she finally thanked me for it, in a very offhanded manner. It didn't change a thing, in her heart, and I did not have any illusions at all, that it would. When, someone, is so willing, to hurt me, that much, in ALL the ways, that she has, deliberately, impacting my quality of life, here, negatively, most of which, I am not even mentioning here, there is no hope. I would NEVER TRUST HER now,

even if she DID suddenly ACT NICE toward me. She is the CONTROL FREAK, and I am the FREE SPIRIT. There is no middle ground, for these two POLAR OPPOSITES.

I keep my faith in GOD, through, all of these things, because I have the BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE BROUGHT ME HERE, for HIS PURPOSES, and I, ABSOLUTELY, COMPLETELY, TRUST HIM! So I am very happy to be here and waiting to see what God will do in my life, despite these and other difficult things. I am excited for my future, here! I see God doing alot of work on me, and in me. Some days I feel like I'm WORSE THAN EVER--- FRUSTRATED at my FAILINGS and struggling to believe that 'God is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me'. Other days, I see myself, growing and changing, for the better, in some ways, and I'm humbled, by that; in awe of how the Potter works this clay that is His daughter, Deborah, on the potter's wheel. I can see, some of the reasons, why God has brought me here.

I am getting to know some women here, now, too, that do not seem to have been tainted, so far, by the gossip and rumors about me that the clique has started and spread. Because of all that being done to me, I'm very traumatized, and tentative, about getting to know, anyone, here, anymore. It has really taken a toll on my life here. I live by, the Bible verse, Romans 8:28, though, and I take God at His Word! I know that I know that I know, that GOD DID THIS MIRACLE, and He brought me here, for His reasons. So, I was Called here, according to His Plan for me. Romans 8:28 says "And we know, that in all things, God works for the good, of those, who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." There is NOTHING, and NO ONE, on Earth that is PERFECT, INCLUDING HERE. I just try to STAY FOCUSED on TRUSTING GOD, and THANKING HIM, for all the POSITIVES about my life here!

I don't DENY or IGNORE the BAD THINGS, and VERY REAL CHALLENGES, that I've had to deal with, during this past year. I AM A REALIST. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I'm just determined to, live my own life, and be as happy, each day, as I possibly can. This clique CANNOT STEAL MY JOY, and they seem to have TRIED to do that MIGHTILY.

The Bible says, "For they sow the wind and they shall reap the whirlwind." (Hosea 8:7) and "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a person sows he will also reap." (Galatians 6:7) I'm just LIVING MY LIFE; not bothering them. God knows all things and searches all hearts. I am in His Hands not the cliques' hands.

                                               

* To 'sift as wheat' means to separate the grain from the chaff.