Two Steps Forward And One Step Back

I appreciate progress. POSITIVE, progress, anyway. There are some situations in this life where progression is not a positive thing. Disease, damage, deterioration, et cetera.

I feel frustrated so often lately because I just cannot seem to get enough traction toward achieving goals that I have for myself. Even though I'm a lot more patient than I used to be (which is ironic in that I have less time left to achieve my goals, now that I am in my late 60s) and I'm able to discipline myself much better when it comes to delayed gratification than I used to be able to do, the hindrances, and obstacles, that I, continually, have to deal with, are dragging me down, mentally.

I am gratified by all the progress that I have made with so many things, and I try to remind myself of that when I start to feel helpless, and hopeless, in the face of the lingering list of things that I still need, and want, to achieve in my life. What I have accomplished is actually impressive by my standards and I need to be proud of all of that. I recall being able to tackle every single thing, on my 'To Do List', in the past, though, and in a relatively short amount of time, which is, no longer the case, in my life. There are some new limitations now that did not exist before that I'm always grappling with. Some are entirely out of my control, and others I could probably do more about, but, for various reasons, I haven't. All of this, causes me to alternate between being mad at the situations and mad at myself, for not doing more about those that I can. >sigh!< EVERY decision, we make, AFFECTS our life.

I can't control that Covid is still in high transmission, including here, although I at least contribute to it not being spread more by my self-isolation away from others which keeps me from catching it. That choice leaves me with virtually no social life though. I don't go to church services or out dancing or eat indoors at restaurants, although I did sit outside of one to eat lunch with a friend, once, a couple of years ago. I don't date, or kiss, or make love (or have an orgasm that isn't coming from my vibrator), because I am 'high risk for serious illness or death' if I catch Covid. I have only had it once, so far, but avoiding catching it again has left me with no life in a lot of ways. The irony is not lost on me, that in trying to protect my life I have in effect stopped living it. I merely exist in 'survival mode', most of the time, since Covid first covered the world with its highly transmissible potential death sentence several years ago. I caught it frighteningly easily a couple of years ago, and had it for 8 days. I couldn't taste my food, and my breathing seemed to struggle around the 6th day, which scared me, because of seeing the images of intubated patients in ICUs and refrigerated trucks acting as morgues, as well as hearing the constant sound of ambulance sirens back then because of this pandemic. Some Long Covid symptoms that I developed eventually left me, although I was stressed by my not knowing whether that would be the case, at the time. Catching Covid-- EVER!-- is clearly a crapshoot, and is a gamble that I am not willing to take, for anything, or anyone, currently in my life. For me it would be too great a sacrifice, because of a lifetime of my return on investment being so poor when I allow people into my life and close to me. No one knows, each time they catch Covid, how serious it will be, for them, until they are in the throes of it. Based on how my life has gone and the
sacrifices that I have made, in order to socialize with people, in general, and most especially for those that I have loved, what I would be risking, to expose myself to other people, is simply not worth, what that could cost me, for what it gives me. I don't just mean, health wise. I mean, in any, and even, every, way. PEOPLE, have not been worth it for me. Humans have done me much more harm than good, and because of that I don't see taking life or death risks for them to be a smart choice.

One of my personal goals is to learn to dance the tango, although now that I'm 68 I have serious doubts about my knees being able to do the steps without buckling. I even have a very specific song that I want to dance the tango to-- David Bowie's 'Let's Dance'. I realized one day when I had two tabs up on my computer that this song syncs perfectly with the tango moves! [David Bowie - Let's Dance (Official Video) - YouTube] While I like traditional tango music, also, Bowie's song just motivates me more! This style of dance is very much in-your-face for many of the steps, though, which makes it one of those high-risk behaviors I do my best to avoid altogether. I would not want my tango dance to 'go viral', in the pathogenic sense, of the word. The risk of catching Covid continually complicates my life! Sadly, I decided against pursuing learning the dance steps that I long to do, because of my trying to avoid potential missteps in my goal of protecting my health, and along with that my life. 

I have a lifelong phobia* of needles, but, terror, over the Covid pandemic, caused  me to finally be willing to take the first two Pfizer vaccines for it in 2021. The only noticeable physical reaction I had to the first one was the shot site soreness, that is typical for injections into the arm, which lasted for a few days. When I took the second shot, though, I became alarmed, because I felt so unwell from that, and it took a longer time to stop feeling those effects. It seemed like all my organs were inflamed by the vaccine-- especially my kidneys. I actually felt poisoned! Because of that, and my not knowing if the shots did anything to damage my body, in any way-- and, if they did, would that be permanent harm?-- I stopped getting Covid vaccines, ever since then; protecting myself by solely relying on almost complete social isolation, along with mask wearing as needed. I just haven't come across a good reason for me to risk it. I am a loner by nature, as well. I LIKE being alone. 

Finally having a home of my very own was amazing progress that I honestly never thought I would have in my lifetime. My finances took a hit, though, with both the expected and unexpected expenses that come with that. I can't just call a landlord and have him send the maintenance man to repair things, anymore. I have to find and hire my own contractors now, and pay them, myself, for everything they do. I don't even own a car, so I am by no means an affluent person. More than 3 years into it I still have a list of things that this house needs that will cost me thousands of dollars to do. Money that I don't even have, right now. I have to get my savings built up again, though, because I am all alone in this life, with no one to take care of me, but me (and God), and I don't have the income to do both of these things, at the same time. It has to be, one or the other. Right now, I am more concerned about getting some money saved in the bank again if only as an Emergency Fund because it is way too stressful for me knowing that there is nothing there now for any possible life event that I might face. The house does need those things done, at some point, though, and that will probably drain my bank account, again, as I start trying to accomplish all that; hopefully, sometime next year. While having a home of my very own is a huge step forward from where I was, there have been some significant setbacks, from the beginning, that have thwarted my progress.

I was a homeless veteran just a few years before God made it possible for me to own this home. This house is the greatest blessing He's EVER given me, after the great Gift of Himself, and my cockatiel baby, CeeBee, who 'flew Home to Heaven' in 2011. NO HUMAN BEING is even in THE TOP THREE BLESSINGS of my life, for me. I don't think my standards are too high, and regardless, they are what they are. Too many people, who have been in my life, have fallen short, let me down, and worst of all, damaged me, by their presence. Because, of that, I have a dim view of much of humanity, and I am very circumspect when dealing with people. 

What I have been subjected to by people here certainly hasn't helped that view, and in fact, has made the aversion even more pronounced, in me. I had to start scheduling VA telehealth mental health appointments, because of it. I have also called the VA Crisis Line at times, when I have been unable to reduce the stress from this situation, by myself. The gossip, lies, and, truly, horrible, rumors, that the clique here started, and spread, about me, has damaged my reputation and my relationships in this community. It is hard to see neighbors that I could have had good friendships with changing, toward me, because they have heard-- and apparently, believed-- these things about me. Finally having my own home, has been greatly diminished and offset by my having to live my life in the face of all the ongoing defamation of me. I even had another telehealth call about it today. 

When I told my primary care provider that I needed to be scheduled for regular mental health appointments, now, because of this situation being so depressing and distressing to me, to the point that, I became so despondent about it that I didn't know if I could survive it, at one point, and I told her just a couple of the lies that have been told about me by clique members, she was shocked by what she heard was being done to me, to the point that she became speechless. She was so stunned that I had to say to her, on the phone call, "Are you still there?" Hers was a, normal, reaction, to how I have been treated by these people, but I very rarely get that reaction from anyone here, that I have ever reached out to, about it. I even got scolded angrily by one woman here, for simply trying to tell her why her saying to me about it, "Well Deb, people will be people" was a tone deaf assessment of the seriousness of the situation. I was actually explaining to her at the time that my despair over it and the stress and strain it put me under had very nearly cost me my life, when I began to briefly consider suicide, due to  it, in May of 2023. She literally YELLED at me, and said that, 'She didn't want to hear it!' She had no trouble hearing the ugly gossip and lies, about me, though; that was clear to see. She adamantly dismissed the 'clique stuff' as simply being something that I was either, overexaggerating, or it didn't exist, at all. That was very unhelpful to me. My primary care provider's, stunned, reaction to what I've been put through by these people here was an absolutely accurate response, for the seriousness of the situation. It is comforting, to have someone acknowledge the difficulty of living surrounded by the very group of people doing this to me. I have the intense inner conflict of LOVING my home, AND the surrounding area I live in here, but feeling extremely stressed and anxious about how much my life has been altered here, by these, toxic-tongued, bitches. Since it started my first day here, by the main instigator, on my street, I have NEVER had a FAIR chance  to get to know other people here, without them being skeptical, or even wary, of me, because of the horrible and often untrue things they have heard ABOUT ME. So, even as I have gotten more settled here, I have this ongoing obstacle that is

a form of oppression, that I'm forced to deal with, in order to live here; that I try  to overcome, often unsuccessfully, because of dangerous, damaging, defamation.

This situation pervades every aspect of my life, in this, otherwise, idyllic setting.

It all originated from one bigmouth bitch neighbor on my street that did not like my setting boundaries with her because she was so intrusive so often that I had no sense of peace, or privacy, in my life-- two things that I have always needed. She is clearly a NARCISSIST-- the THIRD one, to be the bane of my existence** on this earth, after, my own mother, and my last husband. Narcissists, are, THE  MOST DAMAGING PEOPLE that I have EVER encountered-- especially when they make ME their TARGET. They are so PUNITIVE. Their GOAL is to cause you harm. It is NOT a 'fair fight', with them, AT ALL. They seek to DESTROY you if they can, and IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM that you have not done ANYTHING to them to DESERVE THAT from them. It adds INSULT to INJURY that she is also a Christian.

She and I are both in our latter years of life now, and she is even older than I am (so you would think that she would know better, at her age-- only narcissism is a pathology not an ideology), but she chose this path for our relationship. I will not ever be able to have a happy or healthy relationship with this person BECAUSE of all the shockingly cruel things that she's said about me, to our mutual neighbors.

Every day, I thank God for my finally having the perfect home for me, and I hear the sweetest bird calls in the trees outside my window. But every day I also have to deal with my anxiety, because of the things this woman has instigated against me, and I dread even taking my trash out when I need to, just because I have to walk past, not only her house, but the group of neighbors on my street that she's turned against me. It is PURE EVIL, this woman has done to me, and to my life. I have NEVER DESERVED THIS from her-- or from my mother, or my last husband, either. Narcissists don't have a rational reason, for targeting someone, and doing all they can to destroy the person's life. Something dark in their soul drives them to do it. That doesn't excuse it though. She will have to face God about it too, on Judgment Day. Below are some things that help explain what a narcissist is like. I also have a Pinterest account that has a Board I titled "Cligue Target", because of the situation that she has created for me here, and the Pins on that explain it too.

Ever notice the most toxic people.. have more people around them? Bc they are fake and full of stories of lies and gossip.. (sad that gets more attention than the truth speaker.. no one wants to hear that. They stand alone.)

"Narcissists constantly seek validation from others. They need people to praise them, admire them, and make them feel important. This need for validation is a weak point because it shows that their self-esteem is not as solid as they pretend it to be. They rely on others to feel good about themselves."

'People who are narcissistic tend to prefer associations with people that are easier for them to control.'

"Narcissists often dislike the word 'no' because it represents a direct challenge to their perceived authority and control," Dr. McGeehan says. "To a narcissist, 'no' can feel like a rejection or a denial of their importance, which can be very threatening to their ego."

A narcissist will give others misleading information about you. They will tell partial truths mixed with lies. They will sow seeds of dissension to cause doubt in the listeners in an effort to turn them against you.

The scapegoat is most often victimized in a variety of ways, and when they attempt to speak out against the victimization, they are disbelieved and called liars. In addition, they are taken through traumatizing smear campaigns to further discredit and disprove them.

Narcissists use baiting to provoke reactions from their targets. This might be a cruel or condescending comment made with the purpose of starting drama/arguments, making people feel inferior, and/or asserting control, and they will always blame the targets for reacting.

A Narcissist wants to convince you that your emotional reactions to their actions are the problem, when without their actions, you wouldn’t be having those reactions.

Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity. We've had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are. We aren't willing to engage with those who do not honor that. We will show them the door.

The main advice the victim or target of a narcissist gets is "Cut off all contact with them if you can."

https://www.pinterest.com/robinsondeborahg2280/

Here are some Pins from the "Clique Target" Board, which currently has 292 Pins. 

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Truth tellers, whistle-blowers, scapegoats and the real victims are always portrayed as 'crazy.'

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
The truth is irrelevant to toxic individuals. If they can't control you, they set out to ruin you.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Targets are usually anyone who is “different” from the organizational norm. Usually victims are competent, educated, resilient, outspoken, challenge the status quo, are more empathic or attractive and tend to be women.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
When people can't get what they want from you, they'll either cut you off, spread lies or recruit others to hate you too.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

When toxic people know they've done you wrong, they'll often become fixated with trying to destroy your reputation by spreading lies and slandering information about your private life. Smear Campaigns are a severe form of bullying.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Smear Campaigns are a control tactic.

Lana Beth Horowitz @HorowitzLana
Narcissists will talk horribly about their targets. They get to people who have never met the victim, to make sure the first thing they hear is negative. Then it spreads. It's usually that 'the victim has mental problems', this way no one believes the abuse. #SmearCampaign

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Gossip can be an insidious form of bullying or harassment. If the intent is to demean, propagate lies or half truths about people, or designed to hurt, denigrate and destroy reputations behind people's backs, then gossip has crossed a line into harassment.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Smear Campaigns can insidiously spread with no real direction or control once it starts...

Breakingfree @Breakingfreetwo
It changes things when we realize the narcissist intentionally provokes us. They actually enjoy seeing our grief. Happy, having a good time? That's when they're most likely to strike.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Character assassination and ostracization are used to sever the target's belonging to her community.

Wisdom And Skill @WisdomAndSkill

The narcissist agenda: That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That I can, just by defaming her, damage another human being beyond repair.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Just know what they are doing behind your back is also done in front of God.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

A person who doesn't defend you while someone else slanders you is not a friend.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Some people can't support you in public because of how they talk about you in private.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017

Some people will never ask for your side of the story, because the side they heard fits how they want to feel about you.

Lana Beth Horowitz @HorowitzLana

Dear abuser, A victim telling their story of your abuse doesn't ruin your reputation or destroy your "perfect life". You did that, when you chose the behavior. Just becuz you're well liked or have a "nice family" doesn't erase the evil your capable of... no matter how long ago.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
Anyone who easily believes lies about you without hearing your side of the story, was probably looking for a reason to be against you, anyway.

Diane Langberg, PhD @DianeLangberg
It dishonors victims of abuse when we are silent about their experience or pretend it did not occur or was not important.

Christine @cmd8495
People will notice the change in your attitude towards them but won't notice that it was their behavior that made you change.

Nate Postlethwait @nate_postlethwt
There are a lot of brave and kind people who have very little support. They assume it’s because they’re too much, when the reality is, it's because they’re honest. That’s not something easily digested by most people, but especially in a world where performance is key.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Fake is becoming so acceptable that people get offended when you're being real.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Don't change your authenticity for approval.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

"Be the bigger person" is BS advice at times. Your bigness is not determined by your capacity to quietly absorb bullying, degradation, or abuse.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Some people are really so delusional that they think it's disrespectful when you don't just sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect you.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Some people will vilify you so they feel better about what they did to you. God forbid they be held accountable for their BS.

Tell me no Lies Narcissists @lovewins11011
A narcissist uses your anger against you when your anger is justified due to their shit behavior. They do this to deflect accountability.

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness @AwareOfTheNarc

If you reconcile with a narcissist after they have done something horrible to you, or violated your boundaries, the abuse gets worse. They’ll punish and blame you for whatever vile thing they did and assume that you’re ok with it because you allowed them back.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
You don't have to defend yourself or argue with those who don't believe you. God saw it all...

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
I don't walk away to teach people a lesson. I walk away because I learned mine. I'd rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.

Even when I am taking two steps forward and one step back going through life,  including, at times like this, I am greatly comforted by the Presence of my Lord and knowing that HE gave me this home, and I am in His Will, as I deal with all  these things, that are so discouraging, and destructive. The poem, "Footprints", which I included here, has blessed me so much as I continue my pilgrimage***.

* phobia - "A phobia is an anxiety disorder, defined by an irrational, unrealistic, persistent and excessive fear of an object or situation. Phobias typically result in a rapid onset of fear and are usually present for more than six months. Those affected go to great lengths to avoid the situation or object, to a degree greater than the actual danger posed. If the object or situation cannot be avoided, they experience significant distress." - Wikipedia

** the bane of my existence - "The bane of my existence" is an expression that describes a person, thing, or situation that causes constant annoyance, frustration, or unhappiness. It can be used to describe something that makes life difficult or unbearable.

*** 'Pilgrimage' is often used to describe an individual's journey through life, sometimes as a general description of personal growth and exploration, sometimes, as in Christianity, outlining a particular spiritual focus or pathway which it is believed will lead to encounter with God.

Where Things Stand, For Me, Right Now:

I chose the title of this blog post to catch you up on what's been going on in my life because I haven't been blogging for a few months, but I'm also using it as a reference to my current leg injuries, that I'm trying to recover from, for the last couple of weeks or so now. I'm frustrated by being sidelined in some ways, with that, because I was so productive lately, getting through my lengthy 'To Do List'

in a much faster and more fulfilling way, than I had been doing for quite awhile. Not blogging was one of the biggest reasons that happened because all of those hours, over several days, it, usually, takes me to write most of these posts, was freed up to use toward achieving that goal instead. Being able to focus on these other things that are also important to me was a wonderful feeling, reducing my stress more as each task was checked off my list as being "done" finally. I made some real progress but I still have more to do, that I can't do currently, because those are the very things that led to injuring both my legs. My left leg is healing much faster than the right one. I was on my knees, for prolonged periods, to do  the big project that was still on my list. It was coming together well! I was close  to finally being finished with it, until I had to stop-- for now at least-- because of both my legs swelling up from my knees all the way through both my feet. It has affected what I can do and not do to some extent although thankfully (especially since, I live alone, and must be able to be autonomous, to care for myself) I am able to bear weight on both legs, as well as sit and stand. My left leg appears to  be improving but I have had little-to-no improvement of my right leg so far. It is the more swollen of the two, and the only one with any pain, due to the injuries.

Everything about having good health has taken on much more importance to me as I have gotten older. My concerns are compounded by the fact that if I lose my ability to be independent everything else that matters most to me will be deeply, and possibly permanently, affected by that. Young people can, usually, take their good health for granted, but as we age, that often changes, significantly. When I was in my early twenties, I recall feeling so bored, because of life being so much of 'the same old same old' almost all the time. As I got older, and, also, because, so many things on this earth seem to be becoming more unstable and uncertain,  I've realized that being bored is a true luxury, which far too many people on this planet don't ever have any ability to experience in their lives, at all, due to being  in war zones, or in areas of famine, flood, or fire, and so many other really scary scenarios. I have truly been blessed, so far, to have lived for more than 68 years on earth and be in the, general, circumstances in which I've almost always found myself. Even though I've gone through some truly traumatizing things in my life, as well as some deeply heartbreaking ones, I have never had enemy tanks on my street, or missiles flying overhead my home. I have gone hungry, at times, but it was never due to an inescapable famine in the country that I live in. I have been raped, but I have never had my female parts mutilated by misogynists. As I type this, the entire planet is feeling anxious, because of so much going on that we all wish wouldn't be. Life, is so fragile, and fleeting, and precarious, and precious! It amazes and appalls me how carelessly and callously many people choose to treat this gift of life, whether their own or the lives of others. We're all just one breath, or one heartbeat, away from no longer existing on the earth, and so many things, and far too many people, can take that privilege from us, or from our loved ones. 

Even with all the blessings, that I have had, in my life, by the time I came to live here I was more than a little the worse for wear, and was feeling fairly exhausted from everything that I have been (put) through and from the impact of people on me, who-- in whatever way(s), and for whatever reason(s)-- haven't had my best interests at heart, and who probably didn't treat me the way, they, would want to be treated, if things between us had been reversed. When all of the bull crap and the heartbreak that I have been through here happened to me, on top of all that, it almost cost me my life, by being 'the final straw', breaking me. The struggle to not commit suicide was real, and it truly frightened me, because I deeply cherish the gift of life, and try hard to take care of my health and such, to, hopefully, live  a long life. That was about a year ago, that I had to struggle mightily, to not give in to those thoughts of self-destruction. I almost didn't make it through that, and  it really took a toll on me. Until I moved here, I had never really experienced the  bullying that leads people to commit suicide. When I would see news stories, and read articles, about people going through this, I used to wonder, how words from other people could cause anyone to despair of living. I couldn't imagine that. I've just gotten tears in my eyes, typing this, now, because what I am about to say is that, NOW I KNOW, because, people here, have put me through that. My eyes are filled to the brim with tears now, because of the sadness, and the anger, I feel, at being mistreated this way. They couldn't possibly have any good reason for doing this to me, but that hasn't stopped them; and these are grown adults in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80s. Their behavior deeply disgusts me. Especially when it has come from the, supposedly, 'devout' Christians, that should know better-- and, do better. The fact that they have been the 'leaders' of this movement, to disrespect, and discredit, me, has made it even more painful for me, because they know that  I am also a Christian. This community could have been something truly special for everyone here, but they, chose, to interject this toxicity into the lives of residents here, and it can't be undone now. The damage has been done. Not only to me but to others they targeted as well-- some of whom moved away to escape it and how bad it made them feel. Others moved away who weren't targeted, but didn't like it being such a prominent part of life here, and its effect on the, social, atmosphere.

I just looked at myself in the mirror, and I look, tired, pale, and, noticeably, older, than when I moved here full of excitement at, finally, having this miracle happen, for me, of owning my own home. From my very first day here, the main leader of the clique, also the main instigator, of people treating me badly, from, ostracizing me, to defaming me by outright lies, has disrupted and destroyed my privacy and my peace. It can never be undone-- all the damage that has caused to my life, in this community, by affecting and undermining my initial opportunities for healthy, happy, relationships, with the residents, and staff-- causing me to continually feel ill-at-ease and uncertain, as to what the people that I am interacting with actually believe about me, from all the gossip and untruths told about me, by these clique members, and others, as it spread. I am deeply angry about it. There is no way I will ever choose to be friends with these people who have done this to me. It told me all I need or want to know about their own character. After receiving advice to practice 'Radical Acceptance'* of them, though, for my own sake, I recently began trying to at least act 'neighborly' when I encounter them by being willing to speak to them as I pass by. It is one of the hardest things I have ever even attempted. I don't like them!-- for how they treated me-- and I don't trust them enough to feel safe being vulnerable, around, or with, them.  My main coping mechanism for how I deal with people who mistreat me has always been to, shut down, and withdraw.

I honestly didn't think that I could even attempt to 'accept' these people. This is a very small community though that seems to very often be mainly fueled by gossip

wearing the more pious mask of concern. Maybe, I am just being cynical, to put it that way, but my instincts say that I am right about this-- especially regarding the clique members-- because, if I weren't, how does one explain how these Christian people (that many, but not all, of the clique claim to be) never showed me a bit of 'godly' concern, while they were defaming me, to anyone and everyone they tried to recruit into the clique, against me? Especially the 'leaders', who knew that I am a Christian 'sister in the Lord', and that I had chosen to show them grace and care even after they started disrespecting me, in the beginning, to demonstrate that to them. What they said about me was so over-the-top, and so hateful, that the time came when my normal reaction, to such treatment, to just avoid them, altogether, as much as possible, became how I coped. I disliked them, to the point that, even the sight of them, filled me with resentment, rage, and other unhealthy emotions, boiling inside of me, continually. It was affecting my health, and well-being, while they lived their lives happily because this wasn't being done to them but by them. For my own sake, I had to try to accept that this is who these people are. I'm not even the only resident that they did this type of crap to. I'm just the main target.

Because it is not based on my liking these people (because I don't) but on simply accepting that, they are who they are, and it is what it is, I had to, really, grapple with making the conscious choice to even say "Hi" to them. It took everything, in me, but I did start doing that, this past week. Someone who knew I considered it asked me if I felt better, now that I had started to at least be social, toward them, and I replied, no, I do not feel any better. Only my outward behavior changed. Not my feelings about, all, the ways and times, throughout, my years living here, they have openly shown me disrespect and even outright hostility. They made a choice. There are consequences, for choices that we make in this life. Including, for them.

 

The only thing concerning me, about my being willing to treat them civilly, now, is that they will misperceive my actions, as somehow accepting that, what they have done, is 'okay' with me, when nothing could be further from the truth. I choose to try to be nice toward almost everyone, as much as possible, but unfortunately, it's often taken as 'weakness' or 'stupidity' by people that can't comprehend the great strength (including strength of character) that it takes for me to do that, at times.

So, that is something new that I am trying (without, much desire, or enthusiasm) to accomplish-- for my own sake. Disliking them, as much as I do, was eating me up inside. My focus, and concern, are for my own health and well-being. If God is going to accomplish anything else, in this situation, He is going to have to do it. I acknowledge that He can; especially, since my change in behavior has opened up  a door, for Him to work through. But, I can tell you, it would take, a true miracle!

Some significant things, have happened to me, here, which I consider to be true miracles. God finally blessed me with a home of my very own-- which was, truly, impossible, when I started crying out to Him about my needing this, for my soul.  But, I saw the circumstances, and timing, coming together, in such a way that, it could only be Him bringing this to be. That fact has comforted me a lot, including as I struggled with being suicidal last Spring. While I have often felt undermined, by all the gossip here, I cling, tenaciously, to what I know to be true and of good report**, from the Lord, who is, Himself, Truth. Romans 8:28 is the banner Bible verse over me: "And we know that  God causes everything  to work together  for the  good  of  those  who  love  God  and  are called according to His purpose for them." (NLT) While I see some of the miracles that He has done for me, with my own eyes, others are things that He has done in my heart. That shows me that I can have my heart changed, by Him,-- including, how I feel toward people, if He so chooses. It is not always possible to fathom all the ways, and means, that are the catalysts for change in our lives. Some seem sent by God, but, others, more like some Special Delivery from the Devil himself. In the end, though, God is the one who causes everything to work together for our good-- even the things that, seem to us to be, so bad, especially as we are in the midst of experiencing them.

I have often cried out to God for a 'special someone', to love, and be loved by, in my life. That still has never come together for me, but there are times that I feel that, all things considered, where men are concerned, God is trying to spare me, from, more, of the aggravation, and angst, that men seem to bring into my life. I have such a deep capacity for love. Most, humans, never get to see that, though, because they usually don't inspire, or awaken that, in my heart. I have learned to be very circumspect, and cautious, where other human beings are concerned, due to being handled so carelessly and coldly by so many of them, throughout my life.

I have been significantly let down (an understatement!) by so many people, in so  many ways. I am generally extremely wary of other human beings, which, makes it very difficult for one of them to get into my heart. That is a sacred space, to be sure. Very few people have been able to do it, and probably have no idea, what a compliment, that is, to them, when they do. I've dated countless men. I was also married, several, times, before I, finally, realized, in my thirties, that I do not like marriage, and I have stayed single ever since. Yet there have only been two men  in my entire life, so far, who completely captured my heart. The tragedy of that is neither one of them even wanted it. As I stare at that sentence, I shake my head, trying to make sense of that. The odds should have been in my favor, that, out of all the men, I have known in my life, ONE, would have been my soul mate. When  I was working as a dancer I talked to thousands of men in those nightclubs, and I even married two of them from there, but I didn't really love either one of them. I just tried (and failed) to make the best of a bad situation. The first man that ever actually captured my heart (and then threw it back) was my second husband Jim; my son's father. My heart was solidly stuck on him. I couldn't get over loving him, no matter how hard I tried. In the meantime, he married a wonderful woman, as his second wife, and they've had a very good marriage, together, all these years. 

The only other man, that my heart ever truly loved, was not even trying to get in my heart, and I don't think that either one of us saw that coming, or were happy about it, at all. All I got was the worst heartbreak of my life, and the unexpected gift that, he was able to finally bump Jim out of where he had been lodged in my heart without budging for so many years. That, amazed me, because no one had ever been anywhere near able to do that, and this man did it without trying to! I suffered, enormously, trying to get over the man, that 'cured me' of loving Jim. I  was finally able to kill the butterflies and stop the weak knees he caused, and get free of the torment of that, by allowing myself to feel the anger, in me, at how he disrespected me and humiliated me as his way of reacting to the unwelcome and unwanted feelings that I had for him. He was an expert exterminator of my love. My heart's finally free of deeply loving any man now, which I consider to be a gift to me, because I am fully open to finding my person now, if God made a man for me. Maybe that old expression, "The third time's the charm", will be true for me, where love is concerned! I, finally, feel excited, about the possibilities, instead of feeling stuck loving either one of the two men that, for their own reasons, didn't want me. This is one of the main reasons that I stopped blogging, the end of last year, until I resumed it, now. Sitting here writing this is not getting me outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and isn't helping me meet someone who might be my soul mate, before I run out of time to ever have them in my life if I do find them. 

Right before I decided to attempt the 'Radical Acceptance' regarding my situation here, I felt the toxic impact of living surrounded by clique members so strongly, I didn't think it would be good for my holistic health to continue to live like this. For a very brief moment in time, I seriously leaned toward leaving, but God reminded me what He did for me, to bring me here, and give me my home, and that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), which is what I've been up against here, because, it IS such a GREAT BLESSING, from GOD, for me. Acts 2:28 (NLT) says, "You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence." I have often told God that, I trust Him, because, I can take Him at His Word. He DID bring me here, and He DID give me my home, that brings me such joy every day. I just have to keep on trusting Him, to work out all the other stuff.

I am trying to get past all that. I would so much rather have a positive report, to share with you, such as the 'Radical Acceptance' bringing something about that's better for us all. This could be such a great place, for ALL of us to be, if this kind  of petty crap was stopped, once and for all, and everyone made a genuine effort  to behave better toward one another. God does miracles, so there's always hope! 

I have been delayed in getting the last few things of my 'To Do List' done, while I try to heal my two legs. Since, working on those projects led to these injuries, in the first place, I don't think I should do anymore of them, unless and until all the swelling and tenderness goes down. This frustrating setback is keeping me home right now, preventing my getting out there to meet new people beyond this small community which, I hope, will lead to my, finally, finding true love, at some point! If you pray, please pray for my health and healing, and that I find the RIGHT guy to CAPTURE MY HEART, next time I fall in love. When I pray about it, I tell God, I  hope, whoever he is, will have similar attributes to the only two men I have ever truly loved, but maybe not the same faults (even though everybody has some). I  did not feel respected by either one of the men I loved, and that is a pet peeve of mine. At the very least, I hope the man for me will love music, love to dance, and make me laugh! I also hope they will be honest with me because I hate being lied to. I don't see how anyone can truly love someone that doesn't respect them, and that is not honest with them. Sexual attraction, however strong, only goes so far.

If this healing of my legs takes a long time, I might not have much of anything to  share with you here next month, because of being so curtailed and constrained by it. It is so frustrating, because I truly thought I would already be totally done with the long 'To Do List', finally, and fixing myself up, and getting out of the house, to go explore, and enjoy some of my hobbies such as photography and drawing, and hopefully meet some fun people to become friends with, and maybe my Mr. Right!

(If I do meet 'my guy', there are going to be some, private, things that I won't be sharing, here, of course, because I don't want him to resent my being a blogger!)   

* Radical Acceptance: "At its most basic, radical acceptance is a practice that involves accepting emotions, thoughts and circumstances that are unchangeable and out of your control. To radically accept means to completely recognize and accept the reality you’re in—even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Regularly practicing radical acceptance can help us cope with painful emotions so we can move on or even come up with a plan to make an uncomfortable situation better." - Nicole McDermott https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-radical-acceptance/#:~:text=At%20its%20most%20basic%2C%20radical,reality%20includes%20pain%20or%20discomfort.

** "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4:8 (King James Bible)

Bad Luck? Bad Men? Or Family Curses?

I deleted the personal profile that I had on one singles' website, after David broke my heart. I kept the other one of the two on the site where Joe and I had seemed to have a strong, and promising, connection, with one another, before it fell apart, when he got angry at me over David. So far no one else, that is interesting to me, has messaged me, on the remaining dating site, since those two men both caught my attention and even captured my heart; so I have been tempted to delete it, as well, and give up. Again. I definitely don't need my heart broken anymore, if I can possibly prevent that from happening. There's been far too much pain as it is from my relationships with other human beings, and not nearly enough, happiness, joy, or fulfillment, when those people have been in my life. Because of that, I am very much living in a 'cut my losses' mode by doing all that I can to avoid relationships of any kind with people who seem to me to be, disrespectful, fake, untrustworthy, shallow, selfish, manipulative, two-faced, abusive, dangerous, controlling, a liar or gossip, betrayer, tormentor (such as a narcissist who's compelled to put the victim through things that are very destructive), and even, just plain stupid, people. This certainly narrows down who I'm willing to open up to, and welcome into my life. It also, definitely, narrows the field of men I will even consider as potential partners.

The Bible speaks of several generational family curses but also asserts that 'In the last days the love of many will grow cold' (Matthew 24:12) in general; so between those two things I feel like my chances to experience, real, love in my life-- of any kind-- is somewhere between slim to none. While that's a very depressing thought to me, it seems to be the way that things have almost always gone for me, in love relationships throughout my life. It is what it is. In my struggle to understand why so many people seem to have found-- real-- love while I have never really had 'all the stars align' for me with that, I do ponder whether, I am just not lovable, or if I should give more credence to the possibility of an actual curse, on my family, as it relates to this. During my last divorce, I took back my maiden name. I don't know too much about my father's family because he really didn't ever talk about it at all when I was growing up, or even after. But, since I am related by blood I may also be under a curse passed down on his side of the family, if there is such a thing. It may be farfetched, but as I search for answers, that I don't have, and have never had, as to why love has so eluded me throughout my life, I am willing to consider all possibilities. After all, scripture says in no uncertain terms that curses are real.

I never knew my father's father. The only time he was even brought up to me, as a child, was when we were told that he had died, from being pinned, between his tractor and a trailer or something connected to it, and he was crushed to death. I think that was what happened anyway. My father was a man of few words, and a stern bearing, for the most part, so not very much was said to us, about it, at all; and I was just a young girl when this happened. We dressed up in Sunday clothes and went to the man's funeral, and that was that. My dad spent his life estranged from his parents, and I also spent the majority of my life estranged from mine, in first an emotional and then, also, a physical sense. That could be another possible Robinson curse in itself, although I was, and am, the only family member to sever ties with my family of origin, after I was thrust into the role of family black sheep, AKA scapegoat, which had, and has, everything, to do with that decision, of mine.

 

I am not sure if my father's parents were still together, but I seem to recall a step father being in the picture, and running my dad off, when he wasn't old enough to be on his own. I did meet my father's mother, and someone told me that she also dabbled in witchcraft. I don't know if that was true but ignorant country folk often hold onto alot of superstitions and such that, at the very least, can cause them to engage in some strange things. I believe his parents were divorced and my father divorced my mother, late, in life (in their mid-to-late-60s, I think it was), after my brother's suicide (by a self-inflicted gunshot to the heart) caused them to be even more strained with one another than they were before that. My dad's three sisters all also divorced I think. I'm not sure about one, but recall us visiting her, and her husband was an alcoholic. She scolded him for scaring us children by his behavior in that condition. Other than, that, tense, visit, we had very few interactions, with her. I feel fairly certain that their marriage did not make it, though. The other two sisters definitely divorced. After working so hard, for so many years, building their farm and their family, Peggy's husband Bill began to gamble, in, high stakes, card games, and bet the family farm, and lost it. Everything, they had worked hard for, was gone. Ginny's husband was the uncle that attempted to pull me into their bed and sexually molest me one weekend when I was sleeping over at their house. My family had gone on a trip and I didn't want to go on that long drive, so I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house, for a couple of days. Uncle Jim had never done that to me before, or after, but it was, really scary, for me, because it happened when my aunt left for work Saturday morning, and I was alone in the house with this uncle, who became a sexual predator. They did not divorce for that though. It turned out he did this kind of crap to other young female relatives, besides me. But, they got divorced when he ran off with the woman that was Aunt Ginny's best friend. Ginny never had it easy, in her search for real love, either. The next man she trusted her heart and life to stole all her money and left her. I lost touch with her as the years went by, so I don't know, what happened, after that. All this marital misery makes me wonder if there really is some curse at work, in my family tree, that is actually undermining our chances, for real lasting love, or if there is just alot of bad people in the world who don't make good romantic partners. My only brother, Mike, killed himself, because of the constant lack of fulfilling romantic love, in his life. His luck with women was so bad that, he died a virgin at the age of 40. Brokenhearted, he had become despondent from the complete hopelessness he felt about ever being loved by any woman that he loved. He was on the phone with the most recent one that was rejecting him, however nicely, when she heard the gun go off, and called the police. I talked to the detective, about it, by phone, and he told me all of this.

On my mother's side of the family, her mother, was married three times. The first one was rather abusive I believe because she went to great lengths to hide one of her pregnancies from this man, despite it being his child. The second was a happy match, but I believe he died of cancer. The third was not affectionate but stood by her until his death. I think there were 7 children altogether from these marriages, 5 of which had long, loving, marriages, one that got pregnant out of wedlock, but found a man willing to marry her and stay with her and be a stepfather to her son that she conceived, and one (my mother), that was the only one, of the 7, to ever be divorced. Based on that, including because she married a Robinson and they all got divorced on his side of the family, there could be grounds for believing there is something to the Robinson family curse. My sister Pat never divorced, but she had a different father than my dad, apparently from an affair our mother had, with the man who fathered her, so she wouldn't come under this Robinson curse, if there is one, although she was raised right along with us as if she were a Robinson. Lastly, my youngest sister, has never divorced, but is a Robinson, and I can't explain why she seems to have avoided a 'doomed' relationship. She, often, seems, bitchy and bossy, but her husband seems to go along with her every mood, pout, and sulk so I think that she is so strong-willed that she probably made his life miserable, if he didn't kowtow to her. He makes excuses for her no matter how badly she behaves just to 'keep the peace', as much as possible. She is extremely overbearing, when she is not getting her own way with everything, and/or isn't happy for any reason, no matter how small a thing is triggering her, very volatile temperament. She has a fairly dark and dour personality, that rears its ugly head when she is not getting her way. She makes me cringe! I'm so relieved to be back to 'No Contact' with her after accommodating her during the settling of our mother's estate after she died, only to have Pam return to her frequently surly self again, soon after I had signed all the paperwork and she no longer needed my help with all of that. Her husband explains away, and excuses, all her ugly behaviors, so I truly do think that he has been severely hen-pecked by her over the years to act that way about how she is.

I think his religious faith prevents him from ever seriously considering getting out. He's a good guy, but he helped create the overbearing monster she can be, by his rationalizations to himself and others, as he seems to disregard her, over-the-top, bad behaviors, rather than, really, confront, the punitive posturing, that she does. Because he doesn't do that, he enables her to continue carrying on in these ways.

As for me, I'm not an easy woman to love, either, in my own ways. I'm extremely honest about things, including subjects that many find uncomfortable to confront, and more people than not aren't big fans of honesty. I'm a loner and a homebody. I love my privacy! I didn't like marriage, and don't want to try that anymore, with anyone, despite my religious upbringing; but I would like a romantic partner-- if I can ever find a really good guy that it can work out with (which hasn't happened, so far). When someone pushes my buttons, until they really piss me off, I have a righteous indignation that explodes, into full anger, if I am being disrespected, or mistreated in some way, which isn't being dealt with, and stopped. I'm extremely independent. I don't let others control me by their attitudes, or actions, opinions, or oppression. I don't care, who doesn't like me, or what I am doing with my life.

 

People that have known me a long time, and never seen me lose my temper, are shocked, if/when that happens, because I normally just 'live and let live', and am generally gentle with people, although I am not particularly 'social', since I am an introvert by nature. When people piss me off, usually by mistreating me, I can go from happy to hostile, and warm and friendly to cold as ice, in an instant. Once I lose my temper it takes me A VERY LONG TIME to calm down toward that person or persons, again; IF EVER. Some people have PUSHED ME SO FAR that, there IS NO GOING BACK to being on good terms with me. I simply lost any and all desire to put up with them, or their bullshit, anymore. Once I get REALLY PISSED OFF, I don't often cool down. That person has TURNED ME OFF, and the way I see it is, I JUST DON'T NEED THEM, in my life. I can be quick, to WRITE PEOPLE OFF, if they DON'T TREAT ME WELL. Sometimes, men have miscalculated that they matter, to me, SO MUCH, that I will TAKE THEIR SHIT. As people on social media sites put it they 'fuck around, and find out', when I DON'T DO THAT. I will tell them to leave, and hold the door open for them, to get out of my life, without batting an eye, or shedding a tear, if they try to make me choose between valuing myself or them. I ALWAYS CHOOSE ME if they make the mistake of MAKING THAT A CHOICE for me. It isn't just men that I do that with. I do that with ANYONE that MISTREATS ME. I have NO motivation to fight for any relationship that I am NOT TREATED WELL IN.

I'm ALOT HAPPIER when people like THAT are GONE from my life. Good riddance!

It is SAD to me, when people that THINK I LOVE THEM will use THAT, as a reason to take me for granted, disrespect me, mistreat me, humiliate me and abuse me. When they start that shit I allow it to go on however long it takes to KILL OFF MY LOVE FOR THEM, by using, the deep hurt, and anger, at being treated that badly. They seem to be unaware of my using it to motivate me to get rid of them. They seem to mistakenly believe that I'm alright with their treating me badly, because  I, seemingly at least, allowed them to get away with it. However, I bide my time, and ONCE THEY'VE DESTROYED MY LOVE, I CUT THEM LOOSE, and they are left, truly shocked, like, "What the hell happened? She never reacted like that before!" My answer to that is, "Listen up, DUMB JERK, YOU MADE THAT POSSIBLE FOR ME to STOP CARING ABOUT YOU, and now you are OUT OF MY HEART AND MY LIFE!"

So, with my deep need to be alone, so much of the time, and my desire to avoid being mistreated, or married, that prevents men from ultimately dominating me, and my volcanic temper that is usually hidden out of sight but is scary to people,  if or when it erupts, my fierce independence, which makes me 'need' people alot less than they think that I do and makes me well able to cut them out of my life, far more quickly and easily than most people are able to do, or want to do, I can be a real challenge, for anyone trying to love me, or even just find their place, in my life. Whether it's a family member, a friend, a romantic partner, a neighbor or anyone else, I live my life on my own terms, and while I do not try to impose my will on how others live their life I'm protective and possessive of how I live mine.

These things, about me, may be what make me so hard to love. I am going to be 'me', and be true to who and what I am, though, regardless of who likes it or has a problem with it. I need to be loved for myself or else it isn't really love. It is not always the unloved person that is the problem preventing love, either. I think that I am actually very lovable, once I am comfortable enough to open up to someone and let my personality shine through! If someone gets to know me, for who I am, and makes me feel safe to be open and loving, with them, I'll have a much better chance of finally finding love. Other people not acting loving, for whatever reason, can prevent love, from being part of the relationship. I think about the fun things, I could do with someone, in a romantic relationship, but Covid is also still around, and I would have to contend with that highly contagious virus if I stop isolating to become intimate with someone. I feel like, COVID, has RUINED MY LIFE, in ways.

 

 

I don't try to rule and run other people for my own gain, or for control over them and the situation. I like, giving and receiving, mutual respect, and understanding, reciprocity, equality, yin and yang, sharing joy and laughter, nurturing each other, affection. I thrive in that kind of environment and relationship! I smile more in it, reveling in the sacred sweetness of sharing life with another soul in a safe space.  I would never want to try to get what I thought I wanted or needed from another person by bullying, browbeating, coercion, or control. The ones that try that crap on me are excluded from my life; banished because of their bullshit. I don't need it, and if they choose to act that way toward me, I don't need them. I'd rather do without people like that. They are JOY STEALERS. I'm VERY protective of my joy!

I really don't know if I have never found REAL romantic love with anyone because of bad luck, bad men, or family curses. I just know that it is the ONE desire of my heart that STILL ELUDES ME; and with the added oppression of Covid, spreading, yet again, in a, never-ending, morphing into different strains, I don't even think it is possible for me to, physically, be with a man, safely, even if I finally find a good one. It is frustrating to me though that jerks and bitches seem to have no trouble finding a romantic partner in their lives, but people like me that want to give love even more than get love, but hope for both those things, seem to spend our lives doing without, for whatever reason. If I am not lovable because of imperfections, then how are other, clearly imperfect, people, able to find real love, in their lives?

 

I hope I'm not under a curse when it comes to finding love, but it seems like that:

I don't have the answers. I do know that, I can be, a difficult person to deal with, though; including, because, my expectations are high. I totally turn off, toward a man, if I find out they lied, to me. I believe God always reveals to me if someone lies to me, because He is a God of truth. It doesn't always happen right away, but in the end the TRUTH will come out: Luke 8:17 (NIV) "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." When I find out that I was lied to, the hurt, and betrayal, drive a wedge between me and the person who did that to me, and I allow the pain of it to alter my feelings about them. After all, they showed me that they don't respect me, by doing that. I don't feel respect for people who don't respect me, because I know that, I am worth treating well! I also know, they don't lie because of what is wrong with me. They lie, because of, what is wrong with them. I may never know, why I can't seem to find the right guy, but I do know, I'm worth treating with real respect, even with my faults and flaws. I've been around enough people in my life to know that I am A VERY SPECIAL WOMAN, in some significant ways. I know that a man would be lucky to have my love in his life; but would I be lucky to have his, or would I regret ever letting him into my heart? I don't want to waste my love on someone that doesn't appreciate it and doesn't reciprocate it. I DESERVE BETTER.