I deleted the personal profile that I had on one singles' website, after David broke my heart. I kept the other one of the two on the site where Joe and I had seemed to have a strong, and promising, connection, with one another, before it fell apart, when he got angry at me over David. So far no one else, that is interesting to me, has messaged me, on the remaining dating site, since those two men both caught my attention and even captured my heart; so I have been tempted to delete it, as well, and give up. Again. I definitely don't need my heart broken anymore, if I can possibly prevent that from happening. There's been far too much pain as it is from my relationships with other human beings, and not nearly enough, happiness, joy, or fulfillment, when those people have been in my life. Because of that, I am very much living in a 'cut my losses' mode by doing all that I can to avoid relationships of any kind with people who seem to me to be, disrespectful, fake, untrustworthy, shallow, selfish, manipulative, two-faced, abusive, dangerous, controlling, a liar or gossip, betrayer, tormentor (such as a narcissist who's compelled to put the victim through things that are very destructive), and even, just plain stupid, people. This certainly narrows down who I'm willing to open up to, and welcome into my life. It also, definitely, narrows the field of men I will even consider as potential partners.
The Bible speaks of several generational family curses but also asserts that 'In the last days the love of many will grow cold' (Matthew 24:12) in general; so between those two things I feel like my chances to experience, real, love in my life-- of any kind-- is somewhere between slim to none. While that's a very depressing thought to me, it seems to be the way that things have almost always gone for me, in love relationships throughout my life. It is what it is. In my struggle to understand why so many people seem to have found-- real-- love while I have never really had 'all the stars align' for me with that, I do ponder whether, I am just not lovable, or if I should give more credence to the possibility of an actual curse, on my family, as it relates to this. During my last divorce, I took back my maiden name. I don't know too much about my father's family because he really didn't ever talk about it at all when I was growing up, or even after. But, since I am related by blood I may also be under a curse passed down on his side of the family, if there is such a thing. It may be farfetched, but as I search for answers, that I don't have, and have never had, as to why love has so eluded me throughout my life, I am willing to consider all possibilities. After all, scripture says in no uncertain terms that curses are real.
I never knew my father's father. The only time he was even brought up to me, as a child, was when we were told that he had died, from being pinned, between his tractor and a trailer or something connected to it, and he was crushed to death. I think that was what happened anyway. My father was a man of few words, and a stern bearing, for the most part, so not very much was said to us, about it, at all; and I was just a young girl when this happened. We dressed up in Sunday clothes and went to the man's funeral, and that was that. My dad spent his life estranged from his parents, and I also spent the majority of my life estranged from mine, in first an emotional and then, also, a physical sense. That could be another possible Robinson curse in itself, although I was, and am, the only family member to sever ties with my family of origin, after I was thrust into the role of family black sheep, AKA scapegoat, which had, and has, everything, to do with that decision, of mine.
I am not sure if my father's parents were still together, but I seem to recall a step father being in the picture, and running my dad off, when he wasn't old enough to be on his own. I did meet my father's mother, and someone told me that she also dabbled in witchcraft. I don't know if that was true but ignorant country folk often hold onto alot of superstitions and such that, at the very least, can cause them to engage in some strange things. I believe his parents were divorced and my father divorced my mother, late, in life (in their mid-to-late-60s, I think it was), after my brother's suicide (by a self-inflicted gunshot to the heart) caused them to be even more strained with one another than they were before that. My dad's three sisters all also divorced I think. I'm not sure about one, but recall us visiting her, and her husband was an alcoholic. She scolded him for scaring us children by his behavior in that condition. Other than, that, tense, visit, we had very few interactions, with her. I feel fairly certain that their marriage did not make it, though. The other two sisters definitely divorced. After working so hard, for so many years, building their farm and their family, Peggy's husband Bill began to gamble, in, high stakes, card games, and bet the family farm, and lost it. Everything, they had worked hard for, was gone. Ginny's husband was the uncle that attempted to pull me into their bed and sexually molest me one weekend when I was sleeping over at their house. My family had gone on a trip and I didn't want to go on that long drive, so I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house, for a couple of days. Uncle Jim had never done that to me before, or after, but it was, really scary, for me, because it happened when my aunt left for work Saturday morning, and I was alone in the house with this uncle, who became a sexual predator. They did not divorce for that though. It turned out he did this kind of crap to other young female relatives, besides me. But, they got divorced when he ran off with the woman that was Aunt Ginny's best friend. Ginny never had it easy, in her search for real love, either. The next man she trusted her heart and life to stole all her money and left her. I lost touch with her as the years went by, so I don't know, what happened, after that. All this marital misery makes me wonder if there really is some curse at work, in my family tree, that is actually undermining our chances, for real lasting love, or if there is just alot of bad people in the world who don't make good romantic partners. My only brother, Mike, killed himself, because of the constant lack of fulfilling romantic love, in his life. His luck with women was so bad that, he died a virgin at the age of 40. Brokenhearted, he had become despondent from the complete hopelessness he felt about ever being loved by any woman that he loved. He was on the phone with the most recent one that was rejecting him, however nicely, when she heard the gun go off, and called the police. I talked to the detective, about it, by phone, and he told me all of this.
On my mother's side of the family, her mother, was married three times. The first one was rather abusive I believe because she went to great lengths to hide one of her pregnancies from this man, despite it being his child. The second was a happy match, but I believe he died of cancer. The third was not affectionate but stood by her until his death. I think there were 7 children altogether from these marriages, 5 of which had long, loving, marriages, one that got pregnant out of wedlock, but found a man willing to marry her and stay with her and be a stepfather to her son that she conceived, and one (my mother), that was the only one, of the 7, to ever be divorced. Based on that, including because she married a Robinson and they all got divorced on his side of the family, there could be grounds for believing there is something to the Robinson family curse. My sister Pat never divorced, but she had a different father than my dad, apparently from an affair our mother had, with the man who fathered her, so she wouldn't come under this Robinson curse, if there is one, although she was raised right along with us as if she were a Robinson. Lastly, my youngest sister, has never divorced, but is a Robinson, and I can't explain why she seems to have avoided a 'doomed' relationship. She, often, seems, bitchy and bossy, but her husband seems to go along with her every mood, pout, and sulk so I think that she is so strong-willed that she probably made his life miserable, if he didn't kowtow to her. He makes excuses for her no matter how badly she behaves just to 'keep the peace', as much as possible. She is extremely overbearing, when she is not getting her own way with everything, and/or isn't happy for any reason, no matter how small a thing is triggering her, very volatile temperament. She has a fairly dark and dour personality, that rears its ugly head when she is not getting her way. She makes me cringe! I'm so relieved to be back to 'No Contact' with her after accommodating her during the settling of our mother's estate after she died, only to have Pam return to her frequently surly self again, soon after I had signed all the paperwork and she no longer needed my help with all of that. Her husband explains away, and excuses, all her ugly behaviors, so I truly do think that he has been severely hen-pecked by her over the years to act that way about how she is.
I think his religious faith prevents him from ever seriously considering getting out. He's a good guy, but he helped create the overbearing monster she can be, by his rationalizations to himself and others, as he seems to disregard her, over-the-top, bad behaviors, rather than, really, confront, the punitive posturing, that she does. Because he doesn't do that, he enables her to continue carrying on in these ways.
As for me, I'm not an easy woman to love, either, in my own ways. I'm extremely honest about things, including subjects that many find uncomfortable to confront, and more people than not aren't big fans of honesty. I'm a loner and a homebody. I love my privacy! I didn't like marriage, and don't want to try that anymore, with anyone, despite my religious upbringing; but I would like a romantic partner-- if I can ever find a really good guy that it can work out with (which hasn't happened, so far). When someone pushes my buttons, until they really piss me off, I have a righteous indignation that explodes, into full anger, if I am being disrespected, or mistreated in some way, which isn't being dealt with, and stopped. I'm extremely independent. I don't let others control me by their attitudes, or actions, opinions, or oppression. I don't care, who doesn't like me, or what I am doing with my life.
People that have known me a long time, and never seen me lose my temper, are shocked, if/when that happens, because I normally just 'live and let live', and am generally gentle with people, although I am not particularly 'social', since I am an introvert by nature. When people piss me off, usually by mistreating me, I can go from happy to hostile, and warm and friendly to cold as ice, in an instant. Once I lose my temper it takes me A VERY LONG TIME to calm down toward that person or persons, again; IF EVER. Some people have PUSHED ME SO FAR that, there IS NO GOING BACK to being on good terms with me. I simply lost any and all desire to put up with them, or their bullshit, anymore. Once I get REALLY PISSED OFF, I don't often cool down. That person has TURNED ME OFF, and the way I see it is, I JUST DON'T NEED THEM, in my life. I can be quick, to WRITE PEOPLE OFF, if they DON'T TREAT ME WELL. Sometimes, men have miscalculated that they matter, to me, SO MUCH, that I will TAKE THEIR SHIT. As people on social media sites put it they 'fuck around, and find out', when I DON'T DO THAT. I will tell them to leave, and hold the door open for them, to get out of my life, without batting an eye, or shedding a tear, if they try to make me choose between valuing myself or them. I ALWAYS CHOOSE ME if they make the mistake of MAKING THAT A CHOICE for me. It isn't just men that I do that with. I do that with ANYONE that MISTREATS ME. I have NO motivation to fight for any relationship that I am NOT TREATED WELL IN.
I'm ALOT HAPPIER when people like THAT are GONE from my life. Good riddance!
It is SAD to me, when people that THINK I LOVE THEM will use THAT, as a reason to take me for granted, disrespect me, mistreat me, humiliate me and abuse me. When they start that shit I allow it to go on however long it takes to KILL OFF MY LOVE FOR THEM, by using, the deep hurt, and anger, at being treated that badly. They seem to be unaware of my using it to motivate me to get rid of them. They seem to mistakenly believe that I'm alright with their treating me badly, because I, seemingly at least, allowed them to get away with it. However, I bide my time, and ONCE THEY'VE DESTROYED MY LOVE, I CUT THEM LOOSE, and they are left, truly shocked, like, "What the hell happened? She never reacted like that before!" My answer to that is, "Listen up, DUMB JERK, YOU MADE THAT POSSIBLE FOR ME to STOP CARING ABOUT YOU, and now you are OUT OF MY HEART AND MY LIFE!"
So, with my deep need to be alone, so much of the time, and my desire to avoid being mistreated, or married, that prevents men from ultimately dominating me, and my volcanic temper that is usually hidden out of sight but is scary to people, if or when it erupts, my fierce independence, which makes me 'need' people alot less than they think that I do and makes me well able to cut them out of my life, far more quickly and easily than most people are able to do, or want to do, I can be a real challenge, for anyone trying to love me, or even just find their place, in my life. Whether it's a family member, a friend, a romantic partner, a neighbor or anyone else, I live my life on my own terms, and while I do not try to impose my will on how others live their life I'm protective and possessive of how I live mine.
These things, about me, may be what make me so hard to love. I am going to be 'me', and be true to who and what I am, though, regardless of who likes it or has a problem with it. I need to be loved for myself or else it isn't really love. It is not always the unloved person that is the problem preventing love, either. I think that I am actually very lovable, once I am comfortable enough to open up to someone and let my personality shine through! If someone gets to know me, for who I am, and makes me feel safe to be open and loving, with them, I'll have a much better chance of finally finding love. Other people not acting loving, for whatever reason, can prevent love, from being part of the relationship. I think about the fun things, I could do with someone, in a romantic relationship, but Covid is also still around, and I would have to contend with that highly contagious virus if I stop isolating to become intimate with someone. I feel like, COVID, has RUINED MY LIFE, in ways.
I don't try to rule and run other people for my own gain, or for control over them and the situation. I like, giving and receiving, mutual respect, and understanding, reciprocity, equality, yin and yang, sharing joy and laughter, nurturing each other, affection. I thrive in that kind of environment and relationship! I smile more in it, reveling in the sacred sweetness of sharing life with another soul in a safe space. I would never want to try to get what I thought I wanted or needed from another person by bullying, browbeating, coercion, or control. The ones that try that crap on me are excluded from my life; banished because of their bullshit. I don't need it, and if they choose to act that way toward me, I don't need them. I'd rather do without people like that. They are JOY STEALERS. I'm VERY protective of my joy!
I really don't know if I have never found REAL romantic love with anyone because of bad luck, bad men, or family curses. I just know that it is the ONE desire of my heart that STILL ELUDES ME; and with the added oppression of Covid, spreading, yet again, in a, never-ending, morphing into different strains, I don't even think it is possible for me to, physically, be with a man, safely, even if I finally find a good one. It is frustrating to me though that jerks and bitches seem to have no trouble finding a romantic partner in their lives, but people like me that want to give love even more than get love, but hope for both those things, seem to spend our lives doing without, for whatever reason. If I am not lovable because of imperfections, then how are other, clearly imperfect, people, able to find real love, in their lives?
I hope I'm not under a curse when it comes to finding love, but it seems like that:
I don't have the answers. I do know that, I can be, a difficult person to deal with, though; including, because, my expectations are high. I totally turn off, toward a man, if I find out they lied, to me. I believe God always reveals to me if someone lies to me, because He is a God of truth. It doesn't always happen right away, but in the end the TRUTH will come out: Luke 8:17 (NIV) "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." When I find out that I was lied to, the hurt, and betrayal, drive a wedge between me and the person who did that to me, and I allow the pain of it to alter my feelings about them. After all, they showed me that they don't respect me, by doing that. I don't feel respect for people who don't respect me, because I know that, I am worth treating well! I also know, they don't lie because of what is wrong with me. They lie, because of, what is wrong with them. I may never know, why I can't seem to find the right guy, but I do know, I'm worth treating with real respect, even with my faults and flaws. I've been around enough people in my life to know that I am A VERY SPECIAL WOMAN, in some significant ways. I know that a man would be lucky to have my love in his life; but would I be lucky to have his, or would I regret ever letting him into my heart? I don't want to waste my love on someone that doesn't appreciate it and doesn't reciprocate it. I DESERVE BETTER.
