I'm Torn Between Showing Grace Or Fury

As a Christian I am called to forgive others. The Bible even 'strongly encourages' that I do that, by saying, "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:15 NIV) God knows (literally!) that I have committed my share of sins. That being said though, I think that everyone tends to give more weight to the transgressions of others, while 'grading' their own 'on the curve', so to speak. We can explain our own, justifying them, to ourselves at least. The fact remains, however, that the Bible also says, in Romans 3:23 (NIV), "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". Every person on the planet is  a sinner, whether we acknowledge, or admit, that, or not. The human 'disease' of being infected by Original Sin and then becoming further tainted by our own sins causes a depravity in our souls that causes us not to care, or not to care enough,  if we sin, which almost always affects other people, besides making our own lives worse in some ways. Sin can infect a rational mind and make it have crazy ideas. 

I empathize with the Apostle Paul who wrote of this very struggle (Romans 7:18), "I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." (ESV) I truly love the Lord, however it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to forgive, or even WANT to forgive, the sins that others have done toward me (either by commission or omission), which have hurt me deeply, damaged me, traumatized me, scarred me, broken me and alot of other things which have left me 'the worse for wear' (an understatement).

I am caught between the fury I feel toward them for hurting me when I don't feel that I deserved that from them and the grace God calls me to extend to them, in spite of their wronging me, even in some extreme ways. My default position is to cut these people out of my life. It has, finally, dawned on me, late in life, that if I throw everyone who is a sinner out of my life to (try to) prevent their causing me more pain than they already have, there won't be anybody left at all, to have any relationship with! To (try to) spare myself more heartbreak at the hands of these people, I have become more and more isolated in life. Humans, are social beings. Therefore, despite, protecting myself from more pain, I am not living my best life.

To my credit (because of all I've been put through by people in my life), I usually 

do try to extend grace instead of unleashing my fury on them for wronging me in some way. Rather than this making the relationships better, when I do this (as a, generous, gift, to them) it seems to somehow cause them to think that I am just passively accepting their bad behaviors, toward me, when that is not the case, at all. The advice to 'be the bigger person' has never worked well, for me. It causes people to think that, I am a pushover, a weak person, with no boundaries for the way that I will allow others to behave toward me (due to my having self respect).

I seem to often end up getting taken advantage of, mistreated even more, looked down on, thought of as stupid, and disrespected, when I 'turn the other cheek' to people who are not treating me well. It also has not helped when I have used the coping and communication tools that counselors have advised me to do, over the years, either. One example among many is the breakdown in the relationship with my sister. Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: 'Bossy Bitch' is NOT a LOVE LANGUAGE. is my blog post about her. There is much more I could say about how she chose to treat me over the years. Because she had been my favorite family member, as we grew up, I had hoped she would not get sucked into all of the family dysfunction, that had cast me as family 'scapegoat' because I was the one who wanted us all to be honest about the toxic behaviors going on in that house. I knew it was damaging to me, in some profound ways, and I had felt protective toward her, as well, because of it; until she sadly started to show signs of ostracizing me too. It is the scapegoat who is isolated in this toxic family scene.

I could have been bitter about how I was treated by these people who were family by blood, but when I finally went No Contact and stayed that way, for 15 years, to try to protect myself from the damaging, and destructive, ways that I was treated by them, I still replied to her email that came out of the blue, after all that time. I could not help but notice that she had, clearly, had my email address all along but had not used it to communicate with me, until she needed my help, now. She was telling me in it that our mother was injured and ill, after a fall, and soon after that email, from her, came the one saying that, our mother had passed away. She, was the executor, of our mother's will, and over the next many months she needed my full cooperation to accomplish all of the things that were required in the settling of our mother's estate. I graciously provided that support for, and assistance to, her, the whole way through, to the best of my ability, considering that, Covid was new on the scene, the world over, and I was terrified of it. I even moved, much closer, to the family, after that, but I felt that the only relationship with my relatives that showed any promise was with her. She helped, to get the truck unloaded, but was quite surprisingly, to me, extremely bossy toward me immediately afterward; in a very loud voice, outdoors, in earshot of the other residents of this community that I had just moved halfway across the country to live in. It was not any 'older sister syndrome', because I am the oldest daughter, and she is the youngest member of the family and about 6 years younger than I am. She is a Scorpio though, which I believe explains some of it, although that doesn't excuse it. Somewhere along the way she began to, also, have the, narcissistic, traits of our mother. Narcissists are extremely dangerous for my well-being. They are the ONE THING on the planet, I have learned the hard way, can, absolutely, dangerously, DECIMATE me. In effect they are my kryptonite (something that can seriously weaken or harm someone). 

When counselors gave me advice, about how to deal with difficult people that are even, potentially, deadly, for me to deal with, in some situations, because of their extremely negative impact on my mental, emotional, and even physical health, it apparently did not take into account that the person, or persons, that I would use that advice on, would not simply comply with it, because I hoped to have a better relationship with them without me being victimized, by their dysfunction (or, sin).  I was told that setting strong boundaries with people by my communicating how I will or will not allow them to behave toward me would create happier relationships for me. At the very least, healthier ones. I do not want dysfunctional, destructive, relationships with anyone! It is clear we have no control over how people treat us or react to us, however, which leaves me with the dilemma of how to have happy relationships with people, if they are set on treating me disrespectfully, and such.

When I seem to be left with no choice but to end relationships with others who by their own choosing are not treating me well I don't see any way to prevent a total cessation of the interactions between us, that are causing me damage or distress. I am showing self-respect by standing my ground in the face of such treatment. I was blindsided and, totally, taken aback, when my sister Pam, suddenly, began to act that way, toward me, out of nowhere. I was both horrified and hurt. I kept my own voice even, though, as I said to her, in a very firm, and direct, way, "DO NOT DISRESPECT ME. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT." When she returned for a second visit to my new home 3 weeks later she was not here for more than a few minutes before I sensed that, she had come in already having an attitude, of hostility, toward me.

Not long after that she stood up, and screamed at me, before leaving my home in a huff, because she wasn't happy that I was describing to her how, unfortunately, right I had been, about the nosey neighbor down the street, who, ruined, my first week in my new community, by trying to boss me around, from my first day here. That woman, was so oppressively overbearing that she singlehandedly caused me to think that I had made a huge mistake moving here, which left me in tears, as I struggled to feel excited and happy about this move despite how horrible she was.

My sister had noted herself, the day that I moved in, how frequently this neighbor interfered with her unloading the truck even though it had no direct impact on her own home or property, which was down the street, and on the other side. She had nevertheless advised me not to assert my rightful boundaries, with this person, in order to 'go along, to get along' with her, which went against everything, years, of counseling, had taught me to do in such a situation. That advice did nothing at all to prevent this overbearing stranger from making my life miserable, from my first day here. I truly feel that, some situations cannot be reconciled or redeemed with other people because of how they have chosen to act in regard to me. Seeing that my sister's advice only encouraged this woman to become completely invasive, in my private life, which was unacceptable to me, I chose to go with the counselors' advice, to politely, but firmly, state clear boundaries which worked better for what I needed my life to be like, in order for it to be, as healthy and happy as possible.

That did not work with this woman, at all, either, because even when she actually acknowledged to me that she knew she was invading my space too much, she did not seem to have the self control to stop herself, from doing that, to me. She is a very controlling person. That trait in people seems to be their 'Go To' behavior, to bolster their own self-esteem, but that is at the expense of others like me who do not want or need them bossing us around. I'm in my SIXTIES and I don't need it!

  

I think it touched a nerve in my sister because of her being so bossy herself but it did not justify her creating, two, over-the-top, scenes, in her only two visits to my new home. She left me with no choice but to back away again, from a relationship with her, because I had drawn a counselor-advised 'line in the sand' clearly stating to her that she must not show me disrespect, in a relationship with me, and in my own home. When I stated that, very clearly, during her first visit, yet, she CHOSE, to treat me that way again, the only path forward for us would have had to be her changing her ways and making amends for that bad behavior, which she didn't do.

 

I had wanted us to have a, mutually, enjoyable relationship, with one another. But I was not going to be mistreated by her (or, anyone else), and still be expected to maintain a relationship with them, when they chose to, repeatedly, disrespect me. I had made my position perfectly clear, to her, and she 'acted out' in defiance of it.

No other outcome would have been possible, based on how she chose to treat me.

 

That doesn't mean that I don't love my sister, because I do. It also doesn't mean I do not mourn what, I had hoped, we could build together, as our relationship, that we could and would BOTH enjoy. I had measured the guest room of my new home to make sure that, a new, comfortable, bed, that I bought, would fit the space, for both her and my brother-in-law to come often, and enjoy as a second home away from home. I had referred to it as 'her room'. I daydreamed about decorating the Christmas tree, together, each Holiday Season, and making homemade soup, and cookies, for their arrival. All that was shattered when my sister chose to make me feel like I had to walk on eggs IN MY OWN HOME, and MADE ME CRINGE, because of her sudden and uncalled for outbursts that were clearly meant to get me to 'fall in line' with whatever her wishes were in order to allow her to exercise COMPLETE CONTROL of the situation and narrative. It was neither healthy nor happy, for me.

So, how do I 'turn the other cheek', and show grace to people, when my doing so seems to give them permission (in their minds) to mistreat me, with a willfulness that is at my expense? Not many people have ever seen the extent of my temper, but when I have had it with peoples' shit and decide there is nothing to be gained by 'stuffing' my anger, anymore, and I unleash it for them to see, some have said that it truly shocked (and, at times, even scared) them, because, I am so benign-seeming, for the most part. I do prefer to be respectful toward others, but I don't always get that treatment in return. I, usually, stay calm in my interactions, even then, but when someone takes that as being permission to openly disrespect me,  I start to feel a, smoldering, and sometimes, even seething, fury, within me, that can finally, openly, manifest itself if I get pushed too hard, or too far, to hold it in, anymore. It is a frustrating fact for me that, people seem to take my niceness for weakness. That is a BIG MISCALCULATION on their part. I'm capable of becoming as cold as ice, toward someone, if they take advantage of my, usual, good nature and my, normally, gentle spirit. I'm caring and supportive, but I am also nobody's doormat, and I start to seethe with rage whenever anybody tries to harm me, my well-being, my reputation, or my relationships. There is no excuse, for that. I end up, paying the price, for that, and I didn't deserve to be treated that way at all. If people are being honest with themselves, they know that I haven't done anything to deserve to be mistreated, or disrespected, by them, because I, sincerely, try to treat people well, or at the very least, respectfully; unless or until, they give me a good reason not to. Even then, I, typically, just try to avoid them, at all costs, if at all possible, rather than continue to be exposed to their bad behaviors toward me. I wish no one any harm but I also, definitely, do not want them harming me at all.

For me, this often means dismissing the people, from my life, who insult my soul.

I seem to always get the blame, for others' bad behavior, some way, or other. It is no wonder that human beings are the least enjoyable aspect of my life on earth. I would rather do almost anything than have to interact with another person, alot of the time. It is often so anxiety-producing for me, because I am always anticipating 'the other shoe to drop', or 'the shit to hit the fan' because I chose to optimistically open myself up to risk a relationship, of any kind, with another person. Interacting with other people has often been a huge disappointment, for me. They seem to be draining, to deal with, instead of, a source of nurturance, for my soul. Due to that, I live my life, mostly, isolated, trying to, cut my losses, and heal my wounds, from my encounters with other human beings. They, almost never, leave me, better off, than I was before I took what feels like a HUGE RISK, to me, to open myself up to them. The risk-reward, of my doing this, has not encouraged me to do much of it.

I have to 'feel up to' dealing with other people, to even, try it, at this point. They tend to leave me in worse shape, than I was before I interacted with them, as in, more anxious, more hurt, more traumatized, more angry.... Not everyone puts a detrimental dent in my soul, but so many have, over the course of my life, that I am way past 'gun shy', at this point. Sadly, I assume, from the outset, that most people are going to be some sort of PROBLEM for me, if I OPEN UP TO THEM, and it usually turns out to be that way, sooner or later. I RARELY have relationships, I feel 'SAFE' in; as in, I can fully trust the other person, enough, to really let down my guard with them. The few people, I DO have this with, are so precious to me! 

I know that what I am saying here can make it seem that I simply want to justify my not showing people grace, but I truly do start out showing grace to people, in almost every situation or circumstance, because I actually have a strong aversion to any conflict or confrontation with other people. That being said, I draw the line without hesitation, if, or when, they begin to mistreat me; to put a stop to that. I tend to simply avoid them altogether at that point, though, rather than engage in some scene, that I feel will not help things, and worse, may provoke me to finally lose my temper at them, if only because of my 'righteous indignation' at the ways they are either misunderstanding or misinterpreting my actions; and are doing so in such a way that it doesn't really reflect the truth of the matter or my heart in it.

When they ascribe certain actions or behaviors to me that I am not even doing, to blame me for the situation, it not only frustrates me, it angers me. Sometimes it's to deflect the blame from themselves, also, which adds insult to injury. When they gossip about me, spreading these inaccuracies and slanted stories about me, I get even more upset about it. These types of things have happened to me ALOT, since I moved here. It is such a gossipy environment. The facts, and truth, have little to do with it, as far as the things said about me have gone. Yet I have had to pay the price for people automatically assuming that these things are all accurate, as they spread it themselves, rather than even ask me directly about any of it. It defames my character, damaging my reputation, in ways that I do not deserve. Throughout this ongoing ordeal, my only consolation has been that, GOD KNOWS THE TRUTH. I am a sinner; and I am definitely not a perfect person (nor are ANY of the people saying all these things about me, who are also-- ALL-- sinners-- a fact, that hasn't escaped my attention as I cry out to God about how unfairly I have been treated).

There have been so many twists and turns in things here, for me. I didn't see any of it coming, when I pulled up in my rented moving truck and started my new life here. I naively assumed, this would be a very, mutually, supportive, environment. I truly thought that people would be glad that we are all, unique, individuals, and even celebrate that fact, because, it would, add interest, to the social mix. I think that being 'copycat' clones of one another would be so boring and restrictive. But, that seems to be exactly what the people, who created the clique here, want this place to be like. I don't want anything to do with such a petty mindset and group.

Many of them surround me on my street, unfortunately. It causes a 'catty' feel to the community, that I think hurts how happy of a home it could be for every one of us-- including the clique members. Since I am a Christian, and they know this, about me, I think it's especially egregious that the leaders who created the clique also claim to be 'Christians'. Where is JESUS in ANY of THAT? Someone started a Bible study here, and I want nothing to do with it, because of the involvement of these people. I could never feel comfortable being around people who have done such ugly things to me, and for no reason. There's been ALOT of pointing fingers at MY supposed sins, here, and often by people whom I, not only, have not done anything to, but have been victimized by, myself, by their, spreading gossip, and lies, about me. I know if this was reversed they would not want me to have done any such thing to them. This sad and stressful situation comes from the fact that the people decide they can treat me however badly they want to, and for no real reason, because I chose to 'turn the other cheek' (Matthew 5:39) and show them grace (which is, UNMERITED FAVOR), when they have treated me so hurtfully. So many times, as I passed by the house of one of the main creators of the clique, I greeted her politely as I kept on walking while all the while knowing that she was telling people here not to be friends with me but to just 'cut me off', because she didn't like me. (The only thing she can really dislike me for is my not allowing her to control me, which is what she tried to do from my first day living here, since it is the same woman who was, repeatedly, bothering us about where my truck was parked to be unloaded when I moved here; which just happened to be where the OWNER OF THE COMMUNITY had parked it for me, because HE THOUGHT IT WAS BEST THERE.) I had people here sign a birthday card, for her, and I stayed silent, so many times, while she sniped at me with mean-spirited comments when I was just walking by, to take my trash to the dumpster or get my mail. I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, NOT BOTHERING HER, but SHE saw fit to treat ME that way.

Another, 'Christian', here, that pointed fingers at my supposed sins, once told me about his pastor and church, and gave me the information to view the link online.  I actually did that because at the time I admired his faith and had no idea that he was one of the main ones cooperating with the clique leaders to spread rumors. I eventually found out about that and it explained alot that just hadn't added up to me before. It is a very hard situation to try to explain here, though, both because it is deeply hurtful and very complicated. I just felt tears start forming in my eyes at the mere thought of reliving the TRAUMA of this series of events in order to try to describe it, now. It got so bad for me that, at one point, I came close to suicide over it all, which truly scared me. I was 98% leaning toward suicide, and only the grace of God, and one friend here who still seems to believe in me and my having a good heart despite the things that, I am sure, she has also been told about me, kept that from happening. Because I am someone who does not go around trying to hurt anybody, and because I am a very 'live and let live' type of person, who is very accepting of other people being unique individuals, the brutal browbeatings I have endured here for simply being me and doing the best I can with what I have been handed here to have to deal with have been very hard on me. In John 10:10 the Bible says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." God Himself, has always been my greatest blessing, because, He is Truth and Love and Mercy and Grace. After Him, my beloved cockatiel, CeeBee, was my second greatest blessing, in this life. He is in Heaven now, since the summer of 2011, and someday, when it is God's timing,  I shall be with him again, forever. My third greatest blessing, I have EVER had, in my entire life, is THIS HOME. God did a MIRACLE to make this IMPOSSIBLE thing POSSIBLE for ME, and I still cannot fully comprehend that IT IS REALLY MINE and that God DID this, to BLESS ME with one of the DEEPEST DESIRES OF MY HEART. (The other desire of my heart has been to be deeply, truly, loved, by a good man, at some point, so I can finally know what BEING LOVED 'WELL' actually feels like.)

Because this home brings me SO MUCH JOY and is SUCH A BLESSING (because I have NEVER HAD MY OWN HOME before this, and it did not happen until my mid-60s) it makes sense that, Satan would come after it, with a vengeance, to create despair and hopelessness in my heart. I expect that from this enemy. What I was NOT expecting was how he would do MOST of his work through the CHRISTIANS.

The man that told me to watch the services from his church online gossiped about me and spread some rumors that were some of the worst defamations of me. One of the other men here, that he talked to about me, began to treat me really badly after inviting me over to his house one day. We stayed outside on the front porch, but he was very drunk and kept pulling his penis out of his shorts while telling me to touch it. I can't go into all the details, that led up to, him treating me that way. It felt really bad, to me, though, and truly traumatized me, even though, I did not leave. I just kept showing him the grace that, so many, here, have not shown me. Despite how badly he and others have treated me here, they always treat me like  I am worse than them by far. I wonder what God will have to say to them about it. He isn't going to let them get away with that, when they are standing before Him.

My computer is old and tired, and has been crashing again and again and again all day, and at this point, I just need to finish this post and hit 'publish' while it is still able to do so. There is still SO MUCH that I HAVEN'T SPOKEN ABOUT HERE. Some of it is just too private to me, and some is just too painful to me. You may wonder why I did not just get up and leave that hot afternoon when this drunk neighbor, I was visiting, treated me that way. There are several reasons for that, but mainly I was just so despondent and demoralized, by then, that I did not feel like, anyone, here would treat me any better; so maybe that's all I deserved. I was emotionally 'punch drunk', from, all the blows, to my self-esteem, by people here, by then. It really affected me, deeply. This man even tried to, force, my head down, onto his penis, at one point, saying to me, "Suck it. Just suck on it." It was so deeply sad, to me, that a neighbor I had never mistreated thought I deserved that, from him. I often show people so much more grace than they show me, while I stuff alot of fury down inside me from the injustice and unrighteousness of it all. It hurts alot. 

I wish him no harm and have prayed for him to recover from health issues he has had to deal with. But, I have not tried to socialize with him in any way since then, nor would I, after he treated me that badly. He seems oblivious to the fact that, I was seriously traumatized by his behavior toward me that day, and appears to be either clueless or totally insensitive to the fact that I really would rather not have any interactions with him, after that humiliating and hurtful ordeal. When, I have been outside walking, he has spoken to me, on a couple of occasions, since then. He has NEVER APOLOGIZED, but speaks with me as if NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. 

I feel very stressed when he engages me in conversation, of course, because I do not wish to be spoken to in the manner that he did on that awful day, ever again.  I cringe when he converses with me, because I am still very reactive, in my soul, to him traumatizing me in that way. I feel it was sexual harassment, if not sexual assault. I am someone who prefers to 'live and let live'; doing my best, to accept people as they are. But, when they manifest their character in such a way that, it victimizes me, in some way, I draw the line. I have shown this man great grace. I would really prefer that he not try to force me to talk to him though as I tense up terribly when I even set eyes on him now. My mind, and emotions, go back to the day that he thought treating me like that was alright. The first time that he spoke to me, after the incident on his front porch, was when I was coming home from a walk in Nature which is usually very relaxing for me. Standing on his porch, which I consider 'the scene of the crime', against me, by him, he called out to me, and I stopped but I did not leave the road or go any closer to where he was. He actually said that 'I should come visit him again sometime' as I cringed at his cluelessness

and felt my blood pressure going up, from a combination of both fear and anger. I thought to myself as he said that to me that 'That will never happen' as I went on my way. Even so I showed him grace on that day. The only other day he talked to me I was walking along the street to take my trash to the dumpster and he pulled up beside me in his car. I immediately felt a strong 'fight or flight' response to this and my body tensed up. Other neighbors were outside, in their yards, and he had just been talking with one of the other men that live here, before he saw me, and began to drive his car alongside me as I walked (trying my best to get away from him). He offered to take my trash to the dumpster which was in sight of me, and I didn't need or want his help, or anything else from him, except to leave me alone.

 

I nevertheless showed him grace as I curtly responded that I didn't need that and I kept on walking. He continued driving alongside me, though, refusing, to accept my response, which traumatized me then because my mind went back to the day on his porch when I kept saying I did not want to touch or suck his, pulled-out-of-his-pants, though flaccid, penis, when he kept pressing, and pressuring, me to do so. I tried to walk faster, and my voice rose from fear, and repulsion, as I said in a tone that was clearly agitated, now, "I DO NOT NEED, your HELP, to take my trash out." One of the neighbors looked at me, with an expression that indicated to me I was being seen as behaving RUDELY TO THIS MAN, now, for the (unnecessarily, in THEIR mind) SHARP TONE my voice had taken on toward him. After all, they likely reasoned to themselves that, HE was ONLY TRYING TO HELP. He, was ONLY BEING 'NICE', when in reality, I was actually the one who was TRULY SHOWING GRACE. I could not stop, in this situation, and 'set the record straight', to this onlooker, who was glancing at me now with a critical eye toward my, perceived, mistreatment, of this man. I have had to endure this type of assumption, about my actual character and disposition, frequently, here, as people observe situations I am involved in, or interacting in, and they take, how I am behaving, out of context, because, they do not know all the facts. That's never stopped them, from passing harsh judgments, on me, however. It is extremely frustrating, to me! Even after, I spoke to this man in a much more annoyed tone of voice, the second time, he pressed me, to accept his help (that I clearly did not need or want) to take my trash out, he continued to drive alongside me, even as I was now mere feet from the dumpster, saying that I should let him help me. At that point, my voice grew loud as I emphatically said to him, for THE THIRD TIME IN A ROW that, 'I DID NOT NEED HIS HELP!' A man who lives near the dumpster was out in his yard and witnessed this exchange between me and this other neighbor (who had truly traumatized me and left me with some emotional scars, besides causing me great anxiety NOW, since he was AGAIN NOT ACCEPTING MY SAYING "NO!", to him, in YET ANOTHER INTERACTION, BETWEEN US). I couldn't tell what he was thinking about what he thought he was witnessing but by this point in the prolonged interaction, I was feeling and sounding stressed, and upset at this man. I wasn't able to hide my annoyance and agitation anymore.

As the man, finally, started to drive away, when I was at the dumpster, he said, to me, in a surly tone of voice that showed he was not happy with my reaction to his offer or persistence, "I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU!" The onlookers could not possibly have known, or likely even understood (since, they were also men), what this, innocuous-seeming, exchange was actually putting me through, as a woman. Despite my fears and feelings about my being forced to deal with this man, again, which I have NO desire to do, I had actually TRIED VERY HARD to be, as pleasant as possible, toward him, and I was definitely extending ALOT of grace toward him.

I have written poems my whole life. I even have a poem I wrote when I was just  8 years old! I write them when my heart is full of some strong emotion, whether that is good or bad, happy or sad. I wrote the following one September 20, 2020 before the miracle of, finally, owning my own home happened for me! It sums up the despair I have often felt about how my life has gone so far and how worn out  I am from the discouraging and exhausting relentlessness of it all. I wasn't trying to step on Pink Floyd's toes with the title of it. It just reflected what I was feeling.

The Dark Side Of The Moon


Some people are living their dream,

Others are living their nightmare.

I'm somewhere in-between,

But closer to the dark side of the moon.

Chased that carrot around the track

Meant to motivate; can't be caught.

I chased that tease to hell and back,

While I starved, on the dark side of the moon.

The dark is colder than the light.

Feels like there's no one here but me.

My heart's burned out, from 'fight or flight'.

I'm worn out, by the dark side of the moon.

I've just 'survived' for so damn long.

I thought I'd, finally, get to live.

My dreams have died; my hope is gone,

From too long, on the dark side of the moon.

Death is dancing, all around me.

What a mocker, torment is.

I don't possess the needed key,

To escape from the dark side of the moon.

What's the answer? I don't have it.

But this will never feel like home.

My soul was not designed to fit

A life lived on the dark side of the moon.

My hope lies in God's Hands alone.

My feeble voice cries out, to Him,

Then turns into a woeful moan.

I'm stuck here, on the dark side of the moon.

- Deborah Gayle Robinson 

[NOTE: I do intend to share many more of my poems, here in my blog, at some point, but I have been extremely busy lately, so I just didn't have the time to do that this month, more than the one, above, that I shared. I have not forgotten.]

Needless to say, God's giving me this home was a really big deal, for me. A series of miracles, along with God's grace, made this possible for me! That fact, and the gratitude, I feel-- every day-- to Him, for this, great blessing, in my life, helps me to hang on through the, truly awful, ways I have been treated here at times. This home brings me such joy. When I had given up hope, God did this miracle for me.

It is just a shame that, in direct opposition to God doing this amazing thing in my life, Satan has continually done everything he can, often, through the 'Christians', here, to try to ruin it for me. If I did not have absolute trust in God I do not think that I could have, or would have, survived some of these things traumatizing me.

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When people tell you who they are, Maya Angelou famously advised, believe them. Just as importantly, however, when people try to tell you who you are, don't believe them. You are the only custodian of your own integrity, and the assumptions made by those that misunderstand who you are and what you stand for reveal a great deal about them and absolutely nothing about you.                                                                                                                    - Maria Popova

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It is hard to know where to start to unravel these things that I will try to describe, that I have gone through in the years since I was led here by the Lord. Despite all these things, I still believe that God has a plan and a purpose for me moving here and I look forward to the revelation, and the fulfillment, of that, at some point. As I wait for that to happen, I 'trust in the Lord with all my heart, and do not lean on my own understanding. In all my ways, I acknowledge Him, and I believe that, in time, He will straighten things out', in ways that only He can, as scripture, directs me, to do, in Proverbs 3: 5 & 6. I have shown everyone that I've described in this post so much grace, but there are also times that I felt fury, at them, for trashing my reputation to make themselves look like they were better people than me and acting 'holier than thou', which is pure hypocrisy on their part. I don't wish any of them any harm, even though they have harmed me. God is the Judge of each one of us, so I leave it to Him to deal with them, including on my behalf, in His timing.

When I first came here, I was devastated to learn that my newly built home had a mold issue in it that actually caused me a, life threatening, allergic reaction within the first 24 hours that I moved into it. As hideous as it is, I am about to show you a photograph of me from that, frightening, first day, when my face contorted from the sudden swelling, and my throat began swelling up inside, threatening to block my airway. I had already gone to drop off the rental truck at the dealer so that my sister and brother-in-law could head home, after unloading it, all day. I had asked them to stay another night or two but they felt that they needed to leave because of other commitments. It was now late at night, and I was alone, in a place that I had never even set eyes on, before I moved here. I had bought the house online, and concluded the transaction by phone and by mail. I vetted the owner who was also the developer, and had my sister physically visit the community to see if it all aligned with what they said about it online. Everything was fine, except for Covid, creating supply chain issues, and parts shortages, which were affecting the build.

I was in a very tenuous situation with my landlord in Omaha who rightfully began to press me on when I was going to move, since I had to delay that several times after being contacted by the owner/developer here, to tell me that there was, yet another, delay. As weeks became months more, of waiting, surrounded by moving boxes that had been packed long ago, now, I felt depression settle over me due to my living in limbo so long. I explained to them that I was at risk of homelessness, again in my life, because the landlord was getting very impatient that I move, as I had told him, I would be doing that, a few times, at this point. Things were tense.

This is how I looked my first 24 - 48 hours living in this house. My throat was also swollen inside, which partially closed my airway. My lips were numb, and I couldn't drink from a cup or a glass. I could not speak properly because of the swelling both inside and out. It was definitely potentially life threatening.

For comparison, this is how I normally look, since moving here.

When the day finally came for me to move, I came out of the isolation I had lived in, in that apartment, to drive halfway across the country to my new home. I was, and am, terrified of Covid, because I am high risk for serious illness or death, in a few different ways. Besides the fear of a high medical bill, should I be hospitalized with it, there is the terror that I could end up intubated in the ICU, fighting for my life. Scenes of people going through that, on the news, increased my anxiety, and fear. I had to come out of complete isolation in that apartment to travel out in the open to get here, with there being NOWHERE IN THE WORLD that was Covid free or completely without risk for me. When I got here, I immediately went back into isolating myself, from Covid. It didn't help to calm me that I heard neighbors here saying they, currently, had Covid, and were not wearing masks. One of them, was in the ICU fighting for his life at one point. He finally recovered but that was scary.

 

I hate needles. Although I still endured them, to get the first two, Pfizer, vaccines, even those did not prevent me from catching Covid when two men who were anti-maskers were in my home briefly because I needed their help to stand up a huge, heavy, cabinet, I was in the process of building, for some needed extra storage. It had to be one of them that gave Covid to me because I was not around any other people. That was in June of 2022. I was sick 8 days, but I was able to stay home.

My next door neighbor raked all the leaves that fell from any trees, onto her yard, over into my yard, raking them into a huge pile, just behind my house, where she thought that I wouldn't see them. I stood at my window and watched her do it on at least two occasions, though. She and I will never be friends, because of all the ways, and times, she has shown me disrespect. The list is long, for this, from her.

I once moved a silly sign from my yard, that I knew, the clique members had put there,  after I first photographed its exact location, to document, beyond dispute, that it was, in fact, in my yard. I took several pictures of it from all angles, before I pulled it up, and removed it, taking it to the manager's office. It said something like, 'This is not a race track. Slow down', because, they had claimed people were speeding, through here (which, I never saw anyone do on this street, myself). No one asked me, before they did it, and I would have said no, because, I don't even have a car, so I am, clearly, not speeding through here, myself, and they placed it right beside, my, attractive, often complimented, address sign, in my yard, which, detracted from that. I had every right to remove it. It was catty, of them, to do it, in the first place. As I walked past, the bossy neighbor's house, on my street, she saw me with it, and started screaming at me. I was mad. I was fed up. I was sick of her shit, that she started, from DAY ONE, of my moving here! Who the hell did she think she was?! I had 'turned the other cheek', at that point, for a year and a half, with this bitch. I had passively put up with her cruel comments about me, as I simply walked past her house, on the way to take out trash, get my mail, or just go for a walk; just to do my best, to keep the peace. On THIS day, I was SICK OF THEIR SHIT-- this catty little clique, that surrounds me, on my street-- and, when she started screaming at me, that it was THEIR SIGN, and I could NOT MOVE IT, I raised my voice to MATCH HERS and shouted back at her, with, unleashed, fury in my voice, "If this is YOUR sign, then you should put it on YOUR lot! NOT MY LOT!" 

That was all I had to say about it. I had no desire to get into more of a screaming match, with her, or be forced into more of a scene than she had already caused. I dropped it off at the manager's office, who had already left for the day, and then I went home. She did not miss a chance to take yet another verbal snipe at me as I walked back by to go home. I was not there for very long before I suddenly heard voices outside, on my porch. Looking up, I saw two of the clique members, on MY porch! They knew, we were not friends, at all, and that they were not welcome, at my house, because of how extremely disrespectfully they had chosen to treat me, for a long time. That, did not deter them, though, from FULL ON, HARASSING ME, on this particular day. They began knocking, LOUD, and HARD, on my front door-- mostly on the glass window in the center of the door. I refused to answer, because it was crystal clear that they had come to my home to cause more of a scene with me, and they felt brave enough to do so by GANGING UP ON ME (as a third clique member was also hovering nearby and had been with them, both before and after this incident, that I am describing, now). Nothing good could come of my opening my door, to engage in anything, with these women, so I did not answer my door-- which, as a homeowner, is my absolute, legal, right to do in such a scary situation.

They did not leave, however, but KEPT ON KNOCKING LOUDLY, so I, finally, called 911, because I became increasingly concerned that, they were going to break the glass, and perhaps even, just come in, then, despite the fact that, I was not at all REQUIRED to OPEN MY DOOR, to these bullying bitches. Anyone, showing respect for me, would have knocked once, or maybe twice, politely, and if, I chose, not to answer my door, for any reason, they would have respected my right to do so and left. They were not there for any reason except to gang up on me, and harass me, and bully me because they fed off of each other's bitchy bravado. A clique is really just a gang; and they were ganging up on me. I did not want my house damaged by them, and I truly felt they were going to break the glass window in the door at any moment. They had no right, or reason, to treat me this way. The bossy clique leader had already screamed at me, for taking their silly sign to the office, so she knew, full well, that I DIDN'T HAVE IT, WITH ME, IN MY HOUSE. That is just more proof that they only wanted to, openly, disrespect me. I'd always chosen to show them grace, for the sake of the community, especially since I DO NOT LIKE THEM. But this was EXTREME MISTREATMENT OF ME FOR NO REASON and I WAS DONE.

I waited about 10 minutes before calling the cops, so the whole thing went on for about A HALF HOUR! It just demonstrated HOW MUCH they DISRESPECT ME that they didn't even ACCEPT or ALLOW that as a homeowner, I have EVERY RIGHT to REFUSE TO ANSWER MY DOOR-- ESPECIALLY, to people who CLEARLY HAVE EVIL INTENTIONS, TOWARD ME. I have NO DOUBT that this scene would have BLOWN UP EVEN MORE, if I had not been mature enough, and wise enough, to NOT OPEN THE DOOR TO THEM. Think of how much HATRED OF ME, someone would have to have, to CONTINUE almost breaking my door down, to get at me, when if anyone asked them what I have EVER ACTUALLY DONE to THEM they would REALLY HAVE NO REASON, to TREAT ME THIS WAY, AT ALL. They will never admit, that they are furious, with me, simply because I would not allow these OVERBEARING BITCHES to CONTROL ME. I don't like them because of how badly they have chosen to treat me. I am friendly to everyone, unless they give me a reason NOT to be, as THESE people have done-- MULTIPLE TIMES. Even so, I have not, ever, done anything, to them like they have done to me. I quietly go about my business, trying to live my own life with as much peace, and privacy, as possible. I don't bully anyone. I don't try to hurt anyone. I don't gang up on any person here. I, generally, choose, to be gentle with people unless I am being treated disrespectfully by them. Then I WILL stand up for myself, if need be. Especially if my showing them grace causes me to be more mistreated because many people seem to take it as a WEAKNESS, in me. I feel alot of fury at being wronged in any way, that I have chosen not to unleash. 

These are people in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even, 80s, in this clique, by the way. These are not, junior high school, kids. These are adults, who should know better.

There are alot of other things that I have been put through, here, but for my own reasons I have chosen to still keep some of them to myself, and some of it I have been too upset to talk about. Also, because I do choose to show grace to others, I have not spoken of some things because my not sharing it extends grace to those involved. I am, by far, one of the best human beings, here, though. I will say that. I just want you to know that, even though, I have spoken of some of it, here, I've been put through ALOT of other things also. Many, of which, are as bad, or worse, than what I have felt that I could tell you about here. There are reasons which are associated with my showing others grace, that prevent me from going into details about some situations. Just trust me, when I say that, it's been alot, and some of it is more serious, and sad, and scary, than the things that I have told you here. I am working hard on making my life here more of the blessing that God intended it to be, for me, and I am making progress with my goals, that will lead to me being healthier and happier. I am excited, about my future, here, and looking forward to whatever, God, has planned, for me. I trust God completely, and I take Him at His Word. Numbers 23:19, says that, "God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken and will He not make it good?" This is a 'God' thing, that He has done for me. One of my favorite Bible verses is Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you," says the LORD, "plans for peace, and well-being, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Amplified Bible) It sounds good to me!

I Hate Roller Coasters & I've Been On One

This is dedicated to a, very patient, caring, friend of mine, who helped me survive this particular 'dark night of the soul', that I am describing in this post. Her name, is not given here, however, for fear that she would then be even more targeted by the clique where we live, than she already is. I have worried, excessively, that she will be even further mistreated by these people if they know that she is my friend.

She was my light, helping, to lead me back to sanity, when darkness overtook me.

I hate roller coasters, whether they are mechanical, or emotional. I do not like the ride they take me on. I like, standing on solid ground, and having the sense that I have sure footing, in my situation. I have not had that feeling of security, for quite awhile now. I am, currently, recovering from, what could only be described as, my having a nervous breakdown*. Everything I have been through (been put through by people), became too much to bear, and I fell into such a dark despair that, all I could do, for awhile, was free fall, helplessly, as I struggled to even find the will to go on. Basic things, like showering or brushing my hair, were neglected because it took any strength that I could still find, within me, to battle the despondency, that had me in its clutches, and was shaking the very life out of me. I have never been so scared that I would not be able to survive, what life was handing me to have to deal with, and I have been through ALOT, in my life. As I clung to my faith in God, I sent up, weak, whispered, prayers pleading for God to "help me!" because I was barely eating, or sleeping, or functioning, well, at all. What I was experiencing felt like being in an airplane that was headed nose first straight toward the ground, at full speed, unable to pull itself up, to avoid crashing. I was doing all I could, but it was not enough. NOTHING, was working. The pain of the situation pummeled me.

I posted this on my personal FACEBOOK page:

I am just tired. Too MUCH heartache for too LITTLE joy. Hope just feels like a liability to me. It seems like it always opens me up to MORE PAIN &    DISAPPOINTMENT & GENUINE CRUELTY from people. I DON'T WANT my heart to believe it can ever HAVE what it WANTS. It FEELS LIKE A LIE. I'm going to settle for what I CAN have and DO ALL I CAN to be ENTHUSIASTIC about those things. I don't know how else to keep going. MY HEART IS SO BROKEN. There are no words.

I also posted:

I am living this.

On Twitter, I retweeted this tweet, that I saw in my Timeline:

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Gossip can be an insidious form of bullying or harassment. If the intent is to demean, propagate lies or half truths about people, or designed to hurt, denigrate and destroy reputations behind people's backs, then gossip has crossed a line into harassment.

Adding, my own comment, onto the retweet:

I AM LIVING THIS. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!

A friend on Twitter sent me this. It describes EXACTLY HOW I FEEL right now:

I have A REALLY GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM ONLINE which REALLY HELPS ME ALOT.

This is something that I wrote when I was struggling to recover from the nervous breakdown. My writing helps me to process things that I am thinking and feeling.  I had never had this much of a mental collapse before, and it scared me so much that I hope it is the last one that I will ever have. I didn't think I would survive it. Nothing that I have ever done, previously, worked in this situation; or helped me with the things that I was thinking and feeling because of it. Honestly, for a time, it, truly, looked like, this thing, was going to be the death of me, in some way, or other. I cried out for God to show me His Grace to help me get through it, while I watched, helplessly, as I tried to dog paddle, in this, raging, sea of emotions, and not be drowned by them all. The internal gauge on my emotions began telling me things that, it never had, before. Not, this way. Not, this long. Not, this deep. . . .

Have you ever given someone much more credit than they deserved, and eventually realized that they never were the person that meant the world to you? Has someone ever so fooled you that your heart blossomed around them, but once it was fully open, like a flower, fragile and sweet, they cut you off in a cold, cruel, way, and even seemed to enjoy watching you wither, and fade away? Have you ever been so wrong in your assessment of people that you nearly didn't survive the shock of finally seeing what they are really like, and you doubt your ability to size people up, and worse, to ever be able to fully trust anyone ever again?

Has your heart ever been so broken, and your soul in such deep pain, that your eyes look like sad pools of tears in the mirror, and your cry sounds like that of a wounded animal that is scared, and anxious, and bleeding, and unsure if it will even survive the blows that it took from the hand that it once trusted to care for it? Have you ever wondered if you will smile, or laugh, or even want to live, again? Have you ever felt that you had to watch everyone you interact with closely for clues of possible betrayal, because you're surrounded by people who have defamed your character and spread truly vicious rumors about you, and even told people to not befriend you-- to the point that people who barely know you or don't even know you at all won't even speak to you, either because they believe the gossip and don't even give you a chance by getting to know you themselves, or they whisper quickly and quietly, before they rush away, from your walking up to them, before those opposing you see them, that they don't necessarily believe ALL the things they hear about you, but they just don't want to get involved, or be put in the middle of it, or be ostracized this way themselves due to association with you?

Do you ever feel like a second-class citizen, because you don't even get voicemails or emails responded to, AT ALL, by people that have been your heroes in the past, who used to, be there for you, for a while, anyway, and have to wonder if that change is because they either heard the ugly rumors, and believed all that, without ever once asking you about it, or they started the rumors themselves, for whatever reason they want to discredit you for, and hurt you in some way, and they don't want to be held accountable for their actions (despite saying they are Christians who believe in God, who would then also believe in Judgement Day)?

I never stood a chance. Before I even packed up my things, loaded a truck, and moved to what God had just done a miracle to bless me with as 'the desire of my heart' to own my own home, I NEVER STOOD A CHANCE in this 'community' with its HATEFUL PEOPLE. TRULY MEAN, HYPOCRITICAL, UGLY, people. The clique was in place before I even got here, but it grew larger, as new residents arrived, and were recruited to join its ranks, undermining the entire environment of what could have been 'Heaven on Earth', for us all, here.

Have you ever come close to being suicidal because people have so shocked you, with their cruelty, and manipulations-- that were actually NOT truly CARING, but were designed to cause you to LOWER YOUR GUARD, AND TRUST THEM, so they could manipulate you, with their actual motivation being to discredit you, to make you look bad? To make you look like the problem, after they push you and push you and accuse you and mistreat you, until you finally say a 'bad' word to their face, or look and sound hysterical, from frustration and outrage. . . when they make sure they have a witness to that, just so they can 'document' that YOU acted like that. They NEVER SHOW ANYONE ELSE how THEY have acted, though-- unless, it's those that are IN ON THIS SHAM, and are HELPING THEM DO IT to you.

People you liked- even loved-- and once trusted, turn out to have an agenda to discredit you, and possibly even go so far as to cost you your dream. The ONE AND ONLY DREAM COME TRUE you have EVER HAD in YOUR ENTIRE LIFE hangs in the balance, and you feel the FEAR of knowing they could COME IN FOR THE KILL-- and FINISH YOU OFF-- at any moment. These are people that YOU TRUSTED; who MADE THIS DREAM POSSIBLE, that they then turned into a nightmare, by mistreating, and disrespecting, you, in some hard and humiliating ways. The WORST part of it is, you don't know WHY.

Recently, something that I have been grappling with for quite a while now became too much for me to bear. I felt, and acted, like I was having a nervous breakdown, because of it. I became so despondent, so filled with despair, that I felt afraid as I found myself in a dark freefall, and I felt like I couldn't pull myself out of it. Like a terrifying movie scene, where a plane suddenly malfunctions for some reason and starts a nosedive straight toward the ground, is a fair representation of how I was feeling, and I truly didn't know what to do about it. When people look at me, they often size me up to be some fragile female, likely because I'm small, in body type, and my general demeanor (unless I'm upset in some way) is normally gentle, and friendly. Because of that, some are taken aback when they finally push me too far and feel the full force of my anger at them. 

I've been through ALOT in my life and if I am anything I am a survivor! Up until this 'dark night of the soul' happened to me I had come through every, hellish, thing I have ever been dealt in my life, and lived to tell it, including, in this blog. So, I was in new territory, emotionally, when I started to see that I wasn't doing well-- at all-- in successfully dealing with this thing now. Returning to my movie analogy, it went as far as that heart-pounding scene where the plane almost crashes into the ground nose first and all the souls aboard are about to perish, but at the very last second, the pilot is able to pull it back up, again, avoiding a disaster.

DANGER! Approaching 90% on my self-destruction gauge. . . . Approaching 95% . . . . Approaching 98%. With a mere 2%, left, to go, with me so exhausted in every way that I was passively watching my own imminent demise, at this point, because I had nothing left in me to oppose it, anymore. I EXPECTED TO DIE, at this point, if only because THERE WAS NO MORE 'FIGHT' LEFT IN ME. It was then that I felt a shaft of light hit my extremely weary soul, straight from Heaven, bringing a tiny hint of hope, with it, and stopping my head-on collision with giving up altogether, that I was right up against, by then. I have never felt so scared as I felt being in the throes of this mocking and menacing mindset, and what looked like, no way out, right before God's Grace got to me, just in the nick of time, saving me.

My weak pleas to God, and one friend staying alongside me, as I battled it, finally helped me to pull up out of it, but not before I felt that I had hit a 98% chance of imminent impact. My deep desire to live, which has seen me through every, 'dark night of the soul', that has been my destiny to endure, was, barely, stronger than the desire to be done, with all the bullshit, people have inflicted on me, in the last couple of years. Those claiming to be "Christians", have treated me the worst. No matter what I do or don't do nothing has remedied alot of it, and I am left feeling anxious, and angry, about having this bullshit affecting my quality of life. For alot of reasons, including personal safety, I cannot write openly, about specific details, as long as I am here, in this situation. It has been, a real struggle, to describe, to you, what my life is like, in this location and circumstance, while not being able to give you more details or expound on it in my blog posts. I can tell you that I have treated these people better than they are treating me, all things considered. They have defamed, discredited and disparaged me, which deeply distresses me due to my pet peeve being someone not treating me with respect. To complicate it, even more, these same people HAVE been there for me in some VERY significant ways, in between, all the other times, that they HAVE NOT 'shown up' to support me, or worse, have undermined my reputation, here, and caused problems for me, in my relationships with some others, by, saying things, about me, they really shouldn't.

It is a very fair and honest statement to say that this is a dysfunctional, and even toxic, environment in some significant ways, and perhaps more so for me, since I have been the main target of alot of the gossip, which includes some very serious lies about me. It is disheartening to continually try to overcome what is largely an undeserved reputation. There are people here who HAVE NEVER MET ME but think so badly of me, because of the things they have been told, about me; and they do not even keep an open mind to give me a chance and decide for themselves. I am a flawed person with faults, to be sure, but isn't everyone, including those who do this to me? I read something online just this past week, that said, 'For a world full of imperfect people who have their own faults, isn't it amazing how many of them stay busy judging others?' To be sure, WE ALL do it to someone, sometime, about something. But, I am dealing with people who have made it their Calling in life, to sully, and even trash, my reputation, where I live, including in ways which are not at all accurate. TRUTH has ALWAYS MATTERED to ME. The way I see it is that God knows THE WHOLE TRUTH, already, and every one of us will FACE OUR MAKER on Judgement Day, for OUR OWN SINS; not for SOMEONE ELSE'S. So, if my ultimate Judge ALREADY KNOWS THE TRUTH and it WILL ALL COME OUT IN THE END, why would I LIE NOW? Lies have a way of COMING TO LIGHT EVENTUALLY, and I am a firm believer in Karma showing up at some point (although often not soon enough for me). I have redacted the blog posts I have written about where I live now and intend to keep on doing that for as long as I live here. Since I moved here to have the blessing from God of owning my own home-- which was the deepest Desire Of My Heart-- and I LOVE MY HOME here, I am not planning to go anywhere else and therefore will NEVER be able to tell you the specifics of my situation. I continue, to protect people, who have disrespected me, spread rumors about me, and told lies about me-- for, a number of reasons; not the least of which, is because, I DO NOT have ANY desire to hurt THEM or THEIR LIVES, INCLUDING, in the ways that they HAVE DONE THAT to ME, and MY life. The ones behaving most like they are pious, and therefore 'in a religious huff' toward me, for BEING A SINNER in THEIR EYES, don't seem to know Bible scripture as well as I do, despite being churchgoers, etc.

Here are some applicable Bible verses that they either don't know or don't live by:

"Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to." 1 Timothy 5:13

"With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors." Proverbs 11:9

"Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the LORD." Leviticus 19:16

"Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it." James 4:11

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless." James 1:26

"Do not spread false reports." Exodus 23:1

"Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips and spreads slander is a fool." Proverbs 10:18

"The tongue has the power of life and death." Proverbs 18:21

"All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me." Psalms 41:7

There are many more such verses, throughout God's Word, but I don't see these people living by these things, as much as they are judging, gossiping about, and defaming me, as well as other 'targets' of their wagging tongues who came here wanting a wonderful life, in a place that could, so easily, be experienced as being very close to 'Heaven on Earth'. It is a true tragedy, that 50, 60, 70 and even 80 year old people, both women and men, saw fit to bring the toxicity here. Do they not even realize how much this affects and diminishes THEIR OWN quality of life?

I was never bullied by anyone, in my entire life, until I arrived here, with my high hopes, and my moving boxes, and began being bossed around by a neighbor and bullied by her from my very first day here. Because I resisted both her controlling character and her intrusive interference, in my private life, which, frankly, was so over-the-top that I cried-- and cried out to God-- every day for the first couple of weeks, because of it, I began to avoid her. I had tried confronting this issue head on by speaking directly with her about it, because she was making me miserable!  I was even encouraged that we could overcome it, and get along well together, as she admitted to me that she had prayed about this very behavior of hers, and the Lord had told her, Himself, that she was doing this, to me, and should stop. Being unable or unwilling to put her energy behind behaving better, toward me, instead, she began to gossip, about me, and spread slanderous lies, about me. She would even pull people aside, that she saw getting to know me, or even befriending me, and tell them that they (the clique she helped form here whose members already ran off several people who moved here-- some moved out almost as soon as they were unpacked, because they concluded that, this was no way to live) didn't LIKE me, so this person SHOULDN'T EITHER. She boasted that she 'had the ear' of the manager and that he always asked her what her opinion was of the new residents which intimidated people 'not to cross her', because of this 'power' she claimed to have here. Several people have nervously whispered to me that they don't like it, that the clique 'runs this place', but that, they feel pressured, to 'go along, to get along' with the clique rather than risk being ostracized the way I and others have been. Grown women, including myself, when I asked for a meeting, about it, with the manager, have sat in the office IN TEARS, because of the awful impact, clique bullies, have had, on our lives. Some, fled, and others caved in, and joined them, rather than continue to be 'punished', for not doing so. One woman, that came to me, several times, deeply distressed by the bullying she was experiencing, whom  I always comforted, TURNED ON ME, after JOINING THEM! Can you IMAGINE that happening to YOU when you and she BOTH KNOW that you DIDN'T HAVE TO stick YOUR neck out, FOR HER, and AFTER YOU DID SO, to be COMPASSIONATE to her, SHE then turns on YOU? I have LIVED this here, among SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

I am a STRONG person, who has BEEN PUT THROUGH SO MUCH in my life. That's why, this blog, about my life, was given the title it has. I have been forced to face so much HEARTACHE. I always had a Desire Of My Heart, to own my own home-- but it was IMPOSSIBLE, for me! Just a few years, before, GOD DID THIS, for me-- made this MIRACLE HAPPEN, for me-- I had been in a homeless shelter. The Bible says that, "Nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). I trust God, TAKING HIM AT HIS WORD. Reminding Him, of His Word, assurances, and promises, to me, as His daughter in the faith, I CRIED OUT TO HIM, for what I have now-- this HOME, OF MY OWN!-- because I KNEW that I NEEDED IT! For me it WASN'T just a WANT. It was a genuine NEED, to have, more, peace, and privacy, in my life. I WATCHED GOD, DO THIS-- FOR ME! TO THIS DAY, I STILL get tears in my eyes, and start to cry, from sheer, AMAZEMENT, and GRATITUDE, that God GAVE ME this DESIRE OF MY HEART! My home is EVERYTHING I ever DREAMED of! I love it, SO MUCH! I've

been exhausted at times, by the physical, emotional, and mental demands placed on me, here, due to various aspects of my new and different lifestyle, but I am so HAPPY, with my life here. Despite, everything, MY HOME is well worth fighting for.

Even so I have been so saddened by things I have been subjected to by people at times, that I came perilously close to NOT SURVIVING IT ALL. I could give you so many examples of my trying to be supportive, and even protective, of the people here, that I deeply care about, and truly love.  As readers of my blog, you know I have even gone to great lengths to be as nondescript as possible while discussing the effects of individuals here, on me, and my life, while still trying to write about my life, here-- which these people became a part of, when I moved here, and are therefore also a part of my 'life story' now. I have been thrown under the bus, by the people that, I care about the most, here. Even in the face of my continuing to be protective and supportive of them! To say that, this, has hurt me, deeply, is an understatement. While I AM a very strong person, is some ways, I am ALSO VERY FRAGILE, in other ways, and having to go through some of the biggest heartbreak of my entire life here has left me broken in some ways, that make me much more vulnerable, now. When I was battling the despondency, that threatened to DO ME IN, just a few weeks ago, I sometimes wondered sadly if the people here that are treating me in some, very, disrespectful, and hurtful, ways would have felt even a little bit sad if I did not make it through that, or whether they would have actually been glad that I was gone; celebrating my being gone, however that came about.

We hear alot about the impact of bullies and such people on young people. As an adult, even a senior citizen, now, I felt like I could survive it because I know that  it really says ALOT more about the PEOPLE DOING IT than it says about the ones THEY TARGET to do this to. No ONE thing that anyone here has done to me could have ever driven me to the, deep, despair, that I finally fell into, due to my being worn down by the never-ending onslaught of this shit toward me that started my very first day here and has never really stopped, to this very day, almost 2 years later. If I told you all the things that grown up people have put me through here I GUARANTEE that you would be SHOCKED. Because this is MY HOME, and I DON'T WANT TO STOOP TO THIS LEVEL OF BEHAVIOR, I have continued to cover for the very people who DO THESE THINGS TO ME. The way I see it, GOD KNOWS about all of it, and the day WILL come that they will have to explain themselves to Him. The fact that it has ACTUALLY BEEN THE CHRISTIANS, who sit in church pews on Sunday, who have TREATED ME THE WORST, here, is HARD TO BELIEVE, I know. The Bible, tells us that, in the End Times, the love of many will grow cold. People will turn on those that we never thought they would. If it's THIS BAD NOW, I feel truly sorry for those who will still be on the Earth when ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

There is SO MUCH that I COULD say, but that I CONTINUE NOT TO SAY-- even to defend myself, in the face of all these lies, false accusations, and slander. I know that it may be hard to understand but I ACTUALLY LOVE ALL THESE PEOPLE. I do not LIKE some of them, but I TRULY CARE ABOUT THEM and WISH NO HARM ON THEM, in ANY way, at ANY time. I spend all my time-- mostly all alone, inside my beautiful house!-- trying, to LIVE IN PEACE, and AVOID, BEING VICTIMIZED, any more than I already am. I SHOULD be out walking, every day, for my cardio, and other health-related reasons (even if just for communing with Nature, in order to try to feel less stressed; at least, for awhile). I hesitate to do alot of things, here, that I wanted to do when I came here, because those things might expose me to more, criticism, and blame, for things that, I am NOT EVEN DOING! A part of me wants to flaunt my freedom to be out and about just being 'me', right in the face of these people who-- no matter, WHAT I DO, or DON'T DO-- ACCUSE ME of alot, and spread gossip about that, to add insult to injury. Some of the untrue rumors about me here have been so VICIOUS that they TOOK MY BREATH AWAY, when I finally heard about them. Often, my ONLY COMFORT has been that GOD KNOWS THE WHOLE TRUTH. Sometimes, a friend here risks being supportive of me, too, but other times they can't take being ostracized, for befriending me, and it ruins the friendship. I can't say that I blame them considering the price they are made to pay for even being seen talking to me here. It is JUST SO SAD-- for ALL of us. Including, those clique members that created this hateful and toxic environment.

 

It has created so much division, causing people to feel that, THEY HAVE TO TAKE SIDES, when most people say that, they don't even want to be dragged into this thing. As I said before, several people in a relatively short span of time who had been genuinely excited and enthusiastic about moving here, for the lifestyle that they believed they would find here, have already moved away, specifically citing, their needing to escape this crap for their own peace of mind. It undermines the joy, of living here, as well as, the serenity, of the environment, and the sense of safety, that is needed for peace of mind. WHY would GROWN UPS who are ALSO SENIOR CITIZENS, for the most part, even WANT to CREATE this, CATTY, PETTY,  TOXIC TONGUE-WAGGING, as THEIR OWN HOME? WHAT is the PAYOFF, for this?  It seems to me they wanted POWER AND CONTROL OVER THEIR ENVIRONMENT but EVERY person EVERY day gets out of bed (if they are lucky enough to still be alive) and CHOOSES what THEY are going to USE THEIR POWER FOR. ALL OF US HAVE PERSONAL POWER which we wield in whatever way we choose to make our own little corner of the world what it is. HOW, WE USE THAT, IS ENTIRELY, UP TO US. I have misused that personal power in ways that I should not have at times, but I have never decided to trash anyone's life including just for SPORT or SPITE as it seems people have done to their neighbors here. I had thought that I could be stronger, than to let them get to me so badly. But after, almost, two years, of

this shit, they have worn me down, so far, that I almost couldn't go on anymore.

God will hold them accountable for bullying me. They came VERY close to seeing the FULL EFFECT, of their personal power, ON ME, and, on MY LIFE, due to, HOW they have CHOSEN to use it. To their 'credit' it was even powerful enough to cost someone their WILL TO LIVE. I had to battle back from finally having a complete nervous breakdown, because of, how UNFAIRLY, and even, CRUELLY, I have been treated here, by so many that have, affinities for, and affiliations with, the clique members. My main motivations, that I used, to WILL MYSELF TO SURVIVE, were the fact that, I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that THIS HOME is GOD'S WILL FOR ME, and His Word, promises me, in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you, and not  to  harm  you, plans to give you hope and a future." The other thing, that kept me going, until I recovered my equilibrium enough that, I knew, that I would be alright, now, was my sheer, clenched teeth, DETERMINATION that I would NOT give these, hateful, people the satisfaction (or, the devil in them, either!). How, they have chosen, to treat ME, and OTHER people here, has NOTHING TO DO WITH God. They can tell themselves that, but holy scripture DOES NOT BACK THAT UP. It is a 'RELIGIOUS spirit'-- NOT GOD'S SPIRIT-- that causes them to believe it is actually God's Will, to, deliberately, try to destroy someone's quality of life, because they can't stand the speck, in that person's eye, while they IGNORE the BEAM in THEIR OWN eye.

 

After I started to feel stronger and steadier, with the help of the people that know and care about me who are my support system, I created profiles for what I hope to find in a man, on, two, online dating sites. The response to both has truly been overwhelming! It has helped to heal my badly damaged self-esteem, to see how I am so sought after by so many men who do not live here to be affected by all the gossip, rumors, and even outright lies that are told about me in this community. I have come close to meeting five of these men in person already but I am focused on finding what I want more than my being what they want, when the two things are not matching up, well enough, so far, causing me to decide not to meet them, after all, but to keep looking for someone closer to the man I hope to find for me. Finding a comforting companion will go a long way toward stopping some rumors about me, here, that are no longer true, and some that were never true from the start. It isn't easy to find a good man in my age group that is still single. Many of the men have been dumped and divorced by their wives. Some are widowed. The online dating scene can be daunting, and even dangerous, but after everything, I have been subjected to here, in this community, it seems like a much better idea than doing any socializing here where the Get Togethers and Meet And Greets are opportunities for the residents to see and hear even more things to spread gossip about. The little I have heard about it, since I don't go to those, here, has caused me to cringe. I have not been the only one here targeted by the clique mentality. Others describe trying to attend those events, to meet their neighbors, but being too traumatized to risk exposing themselves again, to the cold shoulders and the haughty once-overs they were subjected to when they did attend. I can't think of anything that I would rather avoid more than a social get-together that I know is going to feel like, I deliberately placed myself in 'enemy territory'. I don't need it.

I finally decided that I would address the rumors about me here, since they are already spread far and wide throughout the community that I live in and not by me. Therefore, why shouldn't I also be able to discuss them, and which are lies.

MOST, of the RUMORS, LIES, HALF-TRUTHS, and GOSSIP, told, about me, come from people who claim to be churchgoing Christians who are Bible Thumpers**. They, either, don't KNOW, or don't CARE, that those things-- that, THEY DO, TO ME-- ARE SINS. I DON'T SEE 'JESUS', in ANY, of that, but, THEY, put ME, down.

 

I keep entirely to myself about 95% of the time, yet I still have so many things said, and spread, about me. Without going into details, about who said what, in these rumors about me which are often exaggerations, and some are even pure fiction, people have said that I have been OUTSIDE NAKED. (NOT TRUE.) It has been said that I accused someone on staff of rape. (NOT TRUE.) [By the way, it

so happens that, I have been COMPLETELY CELIBATE, for more than 25 YEARS, now, making that rumor really ridiculous!] The rumor that I had a serious crush  on a man here USED TO BE TRUE, but not for about A YEAR NOW, and that was actually very short-lived largely because of how badly he treated me because of  it. He was my 'role model' for finding 'a good man' for awhile, until I realized he was continuing to talk badly about me, to several people, in a way that affected their relationships with me, in a problematic way. CLEARLY, people who actually CARE about you DON'T DO THAT, and I realized that, I had given him WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT, which I stopped doing, then. Because I chose to be polite and to  be pleasant, when I did interact with him, he continued, to say the things about me, which negatively affected other peoples' opinions of me. He seems to enjoy subjecting me to public disrespect and ridicule by him, if I am anywhere around him. So, for quite a while now I do all I can to avoid him altogether. He has just not seemed to ever realize that, I am just being polite. When he speaks to me I have responded in a cordial manner. Sometimes, someone's ego does not allow them to accept the facts. There is alot more I could say about it or any of these rumors people here spread about me but I will leave it there because this is my home, and despite everything, I CARE about ALL the people here, and have NO desire to hurt THEM; even though they have chosen to HURT ME in many ways. This particular man, will forever have my gratitude, for the good things, that he brought to my life; in between, the awful ways, he treats me, in front of others.

One rumor about me is TRUE. I called 911, due to the clique members, because they came to the door of my home-- knowing before they did that, they weren't welcome, because of all the other awful ways they have treated me here-- and I did not even have their sign here in my home, which they ALSO knew, because I had removed their sign-- from MY yard-- and taken it to the manager's office for them to get from him. I DID THAT in an EFFORT to AVOID A CONFRONTATIONAL SCENE with these people which THEY were DETERMINED was GOING to HAPPEN anyway, because their GANGING UP ON ME and OUTNUMBERING ME made them BOLD, and EVEN MEANER TO ME. When they showed up AT MY HOME and began POUNDING ON MY DOOR-- including, ON THE DOOR GLASS-- I was not about to OPEN the door. NOTHING, could have COME OF THAT, but a SCENE which had no real PURPOSE except to try to FURTHER INTIMIDATE AND BULLY ME. They KNEW  I was ALL ALONE inside my home. As distressing as it was to me, that they were doing this, I still waited for about 10 minutes or more of them POUNDING on my door BEFORE I called 911 because it was clear to me that they were not going to stop. I HAD EVERY RIGHT, to NOT OPEN MY DOOR, but THEY weren't GIVING me that right. Someone being polite about it would have knocked once or twice, and realizing you weren't going to come to the door for whatever reason, would have left the premises. NOT these CLIQUE members. One of them is the same woman who started harassing and bullying me from MY FIRST DAY HERE. They KEPT ON POUNDING on my door, until I truly feared they would BREAK THE GLASS, of the lengthy window in the door, and unlock the door then, to let themselves come in.

Is it illegal to knock on your neighbor's door?

Yes. It's called harassment. You absolutely can be arrested for that, and charged with trespassing, disturbing the peace, harassment or disorderly conduct.
 

What constitutes harassment from a neighbor?

Knocking on your door to pester you, or approaching you when you go outside, to do the same.

Smirking at you, laughing at you, or staring you down whenever you leave your property or get home, or walk or drive past them.

Spreading malicious gossip about you to the other neighbors to try and isolate you, or encouraging other neighbors they’re friendly with to be hostile towards you or mess with you in some way.

They might claim that you’re harassing THEM.

Just generally monitoring everything you do, or you feel as though you’re being monitored by them.

If you feel that you never live in peace at your property, or dread coming home, you’re probably being harassed.

Do I have to answer the door?

Citizens are not required to answer the door.

I had the 911 Operator STAY ON THE LINE WITH ME, because it was EXTREMELY DISTRESSING AND TRAUMATIZING TO ME. All told, they POUNDED ON MY DOOR for a SOLID HALF HOUR OR MORE. They only, finally, STOPPED when the DEPUTY arrived on scene. Even so, he made light of it, in his report-- despite it fitting the standard LEGAL definition of HARASSMENT, which IS A CRIME; and the manager, tried to say that, I wasn't 'REALLY' UPSET, by being subjected to that, to which, I told him-- several, times-- to GET THE 911 TAPE, and LISTEN TO IT. He didn't DO that, because the Sheriff's department employee, who provided ME with copies of the DISMISSIVE deputy's report, which said my 911 Call was "UNFOUNDED", and the FULL audio recording of my 911 Call, that awful evening, told me, they would

have a record, of anyone asking for these things, and that, I WAS THE ONLY ONE who had EVER requested them. My heart sank to hear that, because the manager had 'made light' of what I was going through in that situation, saying to me more than once, with an amused look on his face, something like, "WERE YOU, REALLY, AFRAID for your safety that you needed to call 911?" EVERY TIME I replied to him "GET THE TAPE! LISTEN, TO THE TAPE!" At first, he said, he could get it. Then, he told me that, he found out, he couldn't get it. I waited for 8 months to even try to get those records, for myself, BECAUSE HE made it SOUND like it was DIFFICULT, to IMPOSSIBLE, to DO. It turns out that ANYONE COULD GET THOSE RECORDS, I was told, and all they had to do was what I did. Fill out a form online and wait for them to be emailed at no cost. I got them 2 days or less after filling out the form.

 

It was hard for me to sit through that recording, hearing my fear and anxiety, SO CLEARLY, on that tape, from last Fall. It was TRULY INSULTING to read the report, the deputy filed about the incident, indicating that my 911 Call wasn't for a GOOD REASON. The audio file is easy to share, if I choose to, because, it is an email. So far, I sent it to one friend, who said that THEY could HEAR the FEAR and ANXIETY in my voice, throughout the call that DOCUMENTED the ORDEAL, I was subjected to. Hearing what I went through made them both sad and angry. I thought about, sending it to the manager, that belittled my feelings, about that incident, and told me, he couldn't get the recording. But he has shown me so much disrespect in so many ways, so many times, that I knew it really wouldn't matter, if he heard it or not. He dismisses ALOT of what I think and feel. It is clear he doesn't respect me. 

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered. (Proverbs 11:13 ESV)

I would REALLY LIKE to ACTUALLY SEE 'JESUS' in THESE PEOPLE, FOR A CHANGE, that have PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH HERE. The ones that CLAIM to BELONG TO HIM, anyway. One of the men involved in starting the worst rumor about me here once gave me the name of his pastor and told me to watch that spiritual leader of his preach online. People have told me to do that, before, about the churches and pastors they are associated with, and frankly I rarely follow through because they don't impress me much as representatives of the church or pastor they tell me to watch. Because, I respected THIS man, at the time, I DID, look up HIS pastor, on the internet, and watch. He treated me badly, several times, after that, though. I NEVER TOLD A SOUL something VERY PERSONAL that HE told me about someone in his own family because I had no idea if it was private information that he didn't want to go public with, or be gossiped about, and it wasn't my place to tell. Later,  I learned that he had actually told people here about it very freely and openly but it WAS his news to tell, and HE MADE THAT DECISION. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE. I was shocked, hurt, and deeply disappointed, when this same, 'Christian' man told SEVERAL PEOPLE here, that I KNOW OF, GOSSIP about ME, including, things that got spun into a story that was outrageously defaming of me (the rape accusation rumor), which HE started with ANOTHER 'Christian' (who is a clique member), by badmouthing me together, for something that happened that was actually not my fault, but was the manager's fault, and his fault, which I won't expound on, here. It has been the CHRISTIANS here that have said the worst things, about me, and they know, that, I am, also, a Christian. They need to focus on THEIR OWN SINS. Come Judgement Day, GOD isn't going to ASK THEM about MY SINS, but THEIRS. A friend recently told me, someone started a Bible Study, here, but just based on 

my personal experiences, with the 'Christians' here, I have NO desire to GO to it.

By the way, I thought about embedding the audio recording of my 911 Call here, in this blog post, but it includes, specific, information about my location. Despite my being, 'thrown under the bus', to protect themselves, at my expense, and all the things people say, about me, here, including, things that slander and defame me, and really deeply hurt me, I TRULY CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, and I have no desire to treat THEM like they have treated me. I have tried to be HELPFUL to them, and even, a BLESSING, to them, in the ways, that I can. I am doing much better, now, mentally, and emotionally, than I was a few weeks ago.  During that complete breakdown I suffered, I didn't even have it in me to BRUSH MY HAIR. I had to start taking a sleeping pill each night to be able to sleep. I'm gaining back the weight that I dropped because I could barely eat. I lost about 10 pounds due to that, and I am a slender size 6 who should NEVER be LOSING WEIGHT if I can help it. It TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME to SURVIVE when I had that breakdown and EVEN WITH ALL THAT, I STILL almost did not make it. That is SO SAD, because I CHERISH LIFE, despite how DIFFICULT it has often been for me in so many ways.

But, by the GRACE OF GOD and the patient SUPPORT of A FRIEND I RECOVERED from the nervous breakdown I had here, just a few weeks ago, that nearly drove me to commit suicide. I LOVE LIFE-- and, believe it or not, I love my life HERE. I have just been SUBJECTED TO SO MUCH since I came here, that it finally caused me to have a mental and emotional breakdown, from the 'BULLCRAP OVERLOAD'.

 

I'm SO GLAD I RECOVERED, and am dancing and singing and baking, and feeling like myself again! I have blog readers in 63 countries, now. Because, I feel a real responsibility, to the readers of this blog, which is about my life, and is especially about the 'dark nights of the soul' that I have had to survive, throughout my life,  I want you to know that I would never simply stop writing my blog posts without telling you I was going to do that and why. The only way there would cease to be posts, otherwise, is if something unforeseen happened, that is out of my control, that prevented me from writing any more posts. If it's in my power and ability to tell you, what is happening, with me, I will ALWAYS let you know. You have come alongside me, through my blogging about my life, to share my life's pilgrimage. I want to you to know that YOU MATTER TO ME and I CHERISH YOUR PRESENCE in my life. I will never just 'leave you hanging' to wonder whatever happened to me.

I had a FAITHFUL BLOG READER in Portugal, for more than 2 years, after I began publishing these ongoing installments of my life story online. I saw them show up in my STATS page, month after month, post after post. Of course, all, I could see was their country, listed there. I started, looking for them, there, after I put each post online. Always smiling to myself, and feeling comforted, when they appeared in my stats. That reader, and one in Germany-- who is STILL WITH ME HERE, had always been my most faithful readers, besides, those that are here, in the United States. Then Covid came, and spread throughout the world, putting ALL OF US at risk. Each time I posted something to my blog, I would PRAY that my readers are all still alive and well. I would check the Stats data for my blog, feeling reassured when I saw the countries show up that represented my usual readers. I breathed  a sigh of real relief. I wanted them to be safe, and well! Then, Portugal, suddenly stopped showing up. I checked and checked and checked again. One month, Two months, Three months, . . . . A whole year. . . . Then, two years. NO, PORTUGAL. 

That country never showed up in my stats again. I NEVER KNEW what happened.  I PRAYED for them-- that they were ALRIGHT. That they were SAFE. Maybe, they MOVED, to another country, I told myself. I even hoped, they had simply, tired of reading about my life. ANYTHING, except my fear that they caught Covid and did not survive. I even thought maybe they were elderly and just passed away of old age. I JUST DON'T KNOW, what HAPPENED to THAT person in PORTUGAL. I doubt  I will EVER know, in this life. I don't want to EVER LEAVE MY READERS HANGING, WONDERING, WHAT BECAME OF ME. That is why I will always TELL YOU, if I can.  I AM STILL HERE, and I am glad that YOU are STILL HERE, with me. THANK YOU!

         

*Nervous breakdown - Nervous breakdown is a term used to describe symptoms of intense mental and emotional distress, which is most often due to a sudden or prolonged period of stress. It is a mental health crisis which is usually brought on by severe depression, stress or anxiety, and is mostly characterized by extremely impairing feelings, that overwhelm the person having the breakdown, and render them unable to concentrate, or make decisions. They feel like, they have reached rock bottom emotionally. They cannot function in their day-to-day life, even to do the most basic tasks, during, this-- potentially, life-threatening-- mental collapse. They feel burned out; and may have sudden outbursts of uncontrollable anger or crying because of their struggle to cope. They are in a very fragile frame of mind.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-nervous-breakdown-4172381
"Sometimes this stress is chronic, and seems to build up over time, until a person simply cannot cope anymore. In other cases, crisis situations can trigger an acute period of intense distress that leads to symptoms of a breakdown."

The most common signs that someone is having a mental breakdown are:

Hopelessness.
Thoughts of suicide.
Sense of worthlessness.
Unable to sleep.
Lacking appetite.
Inability to focus.
Severe disappointment with their life.

**Bible Thumper - One who uses the Bible to attack/defame others character instead of as a guide to proper living.