The thoughts and intentions of the heart....

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to  the division  of soul  and of spirit, of joints  and of  marrow,  and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12 ESV

God knows everything, including what I think or feel, and whether I wish that I did not think or feel some of those things. Like the psalmist in the Bible, I write alot of these things down. That's often the way I process them and how I try to get some of them out of my system, once and for all, if they're unwelcome or painful for me. Here's more of my creative writing (below) which I had told you some months ago I would share with you, from the haiku, lyrics, and poems, I have written over the years, and finally gathered together in one place, to be able to, finish some, tweak others, toss some out, altogether, and share some. PRIVATE thoughts and feelings are reflected in some of them. In fact I write them for that very reason in order to grapple with, the implications, and complications, of, whatever, 'this' is, in my life. 

Haiku

The sweet sounds of birds,

Twittering up in the trees,

Soothe my stressed-out soul.

 

The fall leaves dress up,

and dance in their brightest clothes,

to celebrate life.

The leaves can teach us so much about life. They come into this world when the spring arrives with its season of hopefulness, ever attempting to reach their full potential. In the summer, they shelter and shade others from the sweltering sun and strong storms. When fall comes they dress up in festive colors and dance in the breeze before their departure, aware that their time on the earth is finite yet celebrating that, it was theirs, for a time. When the cold winter comes, they still provide memories for us of their blessing and beauty while creatures find comfort and warmth underneath their crunchy brown remains. The newly appearing buds on dead-looking tree limbs remind us that, the cycle of life, will start again, soon.

These lyrics are meant to be humorous and lighthearted but will probably 'offend' the 'religious' types, who usually turn out to be, the world's biggest hypocrites....

 

🎵 I Want To Be Sexy In Heaven 🎵

I want to be sexy in Heaven.

I still want men to look my way,

When my soul has departed

 From its earthly shell of clay.

How could Heaven be happy,

If it isn't any fun?

If men stopped chasing me, in Heaven,

And all the 'flirty stuff' was done.

I wonder if Heaven's too holy,

For it to really be much fun?

I still want to go dancing,

When this life on earth is done!

God knows I am only human.

I like music and blue jeans.

I want to laugh and sing in Heaven,

Without the 'religious' being mean.

There is nothing more fun! -- if it is mutual.

"I remember the jokes, laughs, smiles,... and I doubt you remember any of that.”

 

David and I used to tell each other that we made each other grin really big. It was a very good sign, that we enjoyed each other. I think that relationship really could have been something, but it got ruined, by us, both, needing something the other one either could not or would not give. We made getting our own way about those issues a personal priority, rather than, accommodate each other, and compromise, and it cost us both the relationship. I have thought of him so often, but I feel that maybe we just weren't meant to be, because love would have found a way. Right?

Love Does That

I stare off into space,

With a big grin on my face,

Whenever you cross my mind.

The butterflies I feel,

At the thought of you,

Make my knees weak every time.

You bring me so much joy,

And you make me laugh.

I hate to be apart.

No one in this world,

Matters more to me.

Love does that to a heart.

 - Deborah Robinson

You Happened To My Heart

I didn't see it coming.

I didn't have a clue, 

That you would catch my eye,

And I'd fall in love with you.

I should have had my guard up,

From the very start.

But I didn't do that, and

You happened to my heart.

You became my heaven,

And you became my hell.

I was in a freefall, and

I wasn't doing well.

I tried to keep from sliding

Down that slippery slope,

But I couldn't keep my footing,

And I couldn't seem to cope.

I tried to stop the feelings.

I swear I did my best.

I didn't want to feel them.

They made things such a mess.

I stay away from you now.

I'm trying to be smart.

I don't need the pain because

You happened to my heart.

- Deborah Robinson

God Didn't Make You For Me

I never meant to love you.

I wish I never had.

I didn't see it coming.

I wasn't feeling glad.

Because it's clear to see,

God didn't make you for me.

Memories I once cherished

Now look like tarnished gold.

The butterflies are gone now.

They don't stay where it's cold.

I had to set them free.

God didn't make you for me.

Your heart is something special.

A treasure to be sure.

The way you care for others

Is genuine and pure.

I never had the key.

God didn't make you for me.

No one ever touched me

Like you touched my soul.

The laughter felt so good and

The smiles made me feel whole.

But there never was a 'we'.

God didn't make you for me.

I want you to be happy,

When she's lying in your arms.

Her loving all your strengths,

You enjoying all her charms.

That's the way it should be.

God made you for her and not me.

- Deborah Robinson

“And something inside me just . . . broke. That’s the only way I could describe it.”

I have realized in recent months that in many ways I have dehumanized males in a very similar way to how we women complain that men do that to us. It is doing them a grave disservice, as the other half of humanity. I have been quick to label them, have made unflattering assumptions about them and not accepted them as the people that they are. My doing that cost me love, including in my relationship with David that was blooming so well up until the point that I did that to him. (He failed me too. Our relationship ended because of impactful mutual shortcomings.) 

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, and I want to STOP, but I also need opportunities for an interactive relationship with a man that will make it possible for me to work on that, with them, and try to put that bad habit behind me. Because I have been let down and abused by men in so many ways in my life I don't give that gender alot of credit for having many other men that are not like that and would not treat me those ways. I am not making excuses for my poor behavior(s) of late, that I have been very disappointed to see in me and want to rid myself of, when I point out: I have been deeply affected by YEARS of ISOLATION FROM COVID (which continues

to this day...) and, other, respiratory viruses, etc., no healthy family relationships, celibacy for more than 25 years now and not being in a romantic relationship with anyone for more than half my life now (I'll be 68 next year), I don't have a car, to get out and explore or take a vacation. I feel burned out by the endless routine of each day, for years now, that feels like I'm stuck in a loop of living like that movie 'Groundhog Day' portrays. I am a flesh and blood human being, who has, several, deep, real, needs, that are not being met, AT ALL, for an extremely long period of time (if they EVER have), and it is all causing damage to my soul that is leading to my having fits of temper now because of my deep frustration and anger that even erupts into rage at times as I look Heavenward, in exasperation, and let God know how tired I am of living this way, when every day is closer to my last day on earth and real, hopeless, despair about, ever, having my needs or wants met, is settling on me like a very oppressive thick black fog, almost all the time, anymore. I NEED to SMILE and LAUGH and GET OUT ALOT MORE and TAKE A VACATION and GO TO THE BEACH, and HAVE SOME REAL FUN, and BE HUGGED, by people, and KISSED PASSIONATELY by a man, and be told "I LOVE YOU!" and so many things that just seem like they are NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN for ME. It just feels TOO HOPELESS and TOO LATE for the rest of my heart's desires to come true. I was 65 before the desire of my heart to have a home of my own finally happened and that happened ONLY because God did a MIRACLE for me to have this amazing blessing in my life.

“What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?”

Sometimes MY LIFE feels like some SICK JOKE. I have really been battling feeling very depressed lately. I almost never smile anymore, and I rarely laugh. I literally stand in front of a full-length mirror and GIVE MYSELF HUGS, so that, my physical body can experience SOME of the sensation of that very needed human nurturing. Needless to say, that doesn't have quite the healing impact that, being hugged by someone else-- someone special to me-- would have on both my body and soul. I feel SO SCARED inside, ALMOST ALL THE TIME, anymore. I feel like . . . it is JUST TOO LATE for ANY of MY DREAMS to COME TRUE. It is hard to motivate, when ALL HOPE SEEMS LOST. I keep trying to do my best with what I am handed to have to deal with, but I am NOT DOING WELL, right now, and I am, honestly, not sure, if I will MAKE IT THROUGH this. This year, I have felt FAR MORE FRAGILE than I EVER have IN MY ENTIRE LIFE-- and that is saying alot, because I have BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH in my life. I don't know what people see, when they look at me, now, or interact with me, but I am as fragile as a feather, now, which is terrifying, in itself, since so many people around me have dealt treacherously with me by eviscerating my reputation, which prevents people from wanting to have relationships with me, that could be the very ones that help pull me out of this dark place I am in now. It appears that those defaming me have wanted me to end up like I am now, so they have no motivation to stop 'trash talking' me to others, with lies and other crap. It is devastatingly cruel and evil, and even more mind-blowing to me is the fact that, the worst, of them, are quick to call themselves 'Christians', too. I am sitting here, shaking my head at the thought, of that claim of theirs. They have nearly 'finished me off' this year. I know now that, they CAN, destroy me, and they seem to WANT to do that. I could never imagine doing to anyone what they've done, to me, here. Do they NOT KNOW that THE LORD SEES THEM doing all these ugly things to me?

“I wish I could go back to a time when I could smile and it didn’t take everything in me to do it.”

'Sad' doesn't even BEGIN to describe how HEARTBROKEN these people have made me. Then, I get blamed for MY REACTION, to it. I get treated like my reaction to it is actually my having an 'attitude' about it, rather than, it actually being that, I AM TRULY TRAUMATIZED, by these types of ABUSES, of me. I just want to live my life in peace, and they have ROBBED ME OF THAT. I keep trying, my best, to FIND MY FOOTING again, but so far it has eluded me. I just try to stay focused on my goals and keep going, working on achieving those things, and looking forward to when I CAN HAVE A VACATION and RENEW MY SPIRIT, sometime in the future. >sigh!< I have 'propped myself up' emotionally by watching nonstop Christmas movies on 3 different networks (Hallmark, Great American Family, and Lifetime), but I also cry at some point in my watching them, out of wistfulness that I WANT THAT KIND OF LIFE, where there are supportive, caring people in my life and it culminates with a passionate kiss, between me and a very good man, who is totally in love with me. ALL I can do is LIVE VICARIOUSLY through these movies, and try to imagine what that might be like, as I have nothing in my real life to help me know, what it's like.

“And in the end, we were all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”

EVERY DAY, THAT PASSES, is PRECIOUS, and IRREPLACEABLE, and WASTED in SO MANY WAYS. I look at this world, with all the wars, and terrorism, and hatred, and want, and need, and I have NEVER FELT SO HOPELESS in my ENTIRE LIFE as I DO NOW. HOW can I HOPE to EVER find MY happiness in a world GONE MAD? It ISN'T EQUIPPED to GIVE ME THAT HAPPINESS. IT COULD CARE LESS. NO ONE CARES, I find myself muttering under my breath, as I go about another day that seems just like all the ones before it, for the last few YEARS, now. So many of the very things that bring JOY to life seem OUT OF REACH for me. I was SO CLOSE to finding love with DAVID, until it suddenly collapsed under the accumulating weight of BOTH of our EXPECTATIONS of THE OTHER one. Alot, of our messages, to one another, are copy and pasted into the following blog post: Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: Is There ANY Man Who's RIGHT For ME?  We seemed to be so close to finding real love with one another. If I can't have love I will settle for lust.

“Behind my smile is a breaking heart, behind my laugh I’m falling apart, behind my eyes are tears at night, behind my body is a soul trying to fight.”

I came across a guy online on Facebook who is my idea of the hottest guy on the planet-- for MY taste in men. (I have a friend who says, she doesn't see, the 'sex appeal' in him but I SURE DO!) So much so that I made his photo my lock screen background on my 27" computer monitor. He goes by 'Jdaddy74', on social media sites, but his actual name is John Noble. He's married and lives in Arizona, but he became my 'GO TO' FANTASY GUY, now, and I do not feel guilty about it, because his wife and grown daughters know he posts videos of him dancing sexy and they are occasionally in those videos, with him, as well as, some of his male friends or family members. I am so grateful to him, though, for BEING WHAT I NEED a MAN to BE, just so, I KNOW that, THEY ARE OUT THERE, if I should ever BE SO LUCKY. He loves country music, like I do, now, and he has a hairy chest-- but he recently waxed it or something, to remove that, which was a huge disappointment, to me, because I think that a hairy chest is so manly. He's about 50 years old, and refers to himself, on some of his videos, as being a 'grandpa'. He's ALOT of fun to watch because he LOVES to dance, just like I do, and he dances alot like the men in the 'Magic Mike' movies. He also TELLS OFF his HATERS (who are outnumbered by all of his Followers!) who put him down because of dancing like that when they don't HAVE TO watch. While the rest of us are smiling, because of the JOY he brings us, the haters accuse him of having a midlife crisis and other negative crap. He's just very kind, and masculine, and even silly-- which, I also love, about him. He's fun!

I could watch him ALL DAY! He just seems like A REALLY GOOD MAN, to ME!

Here are some of the Comments he gets from his Followers on Facebook . . . .

We all  you.

You make this senior smile, love from Culpeper Virginia

Awesome videos! You're great!

Love watching you dance. Keep it up.

I Support your courage to be authentically you. Woo Hooo

You look good in your jeans!!! Your moves are great!! Love watching you!!!

I love your videos!! Keep up the good vibes!!!!

Thanks for all the smiles you put on ppl faces

Good morning handsome!

The negative folks are just jealous, don't worry about those folk.

You and your beautiful family always has my family support

We get a kick out of your videos we are from Johnson City Tennessee God bless

Youre a nice man, ignore the haters! You put a smile on lots of faces...we need more joy in the world 

Good morning. Never worry about what other people think. Live your life to the fullest..

You be you.

We enjoy your videos 

Keep doing what you do forget the negative people. You create smiles and makes my day 

Looking good

You look like ya'll are having fun. Thank you for all smiles you give us.

Nice handsome looking fun loving man.

Awesome picture of a good man . Just saying!!!! I call it like I see it!!!!

Sexy that's all in one word

I like all of your videos I don't like other people being mean u do this because you like to dance and have fun I will be watching for new dances keep it up Jdaddy74

I thought about getting a photo of him, to hang on the wall at the end of my bed, so I would see his, bare-chested, blue-jeaned, body, FIRST THING UPON WAKING UP EACH DAY. Just the sight of him MAKES ME SMILE. Because he is the photo on my computer lock screen now, I hate to put in my password on my PC, to go past his photo, when I turn my computer on each day (as HE TURNS ME ON, each day, now, too! LOL!). He has SO MANY ATTRIBUTES that I WANT in a man. Somebody, looking, and acting, like him, would MAKE ME SO HAPPY, and BE SO FUN FOR ME! 

>sigh!< His photo, that is the one ON MY PC SCREEN now, is below. Um, um, um, um, UM!!! HE IS SOOOOO HOT to me! HE MAKES ME SMILE! Almost nothing does anymore-- but HE ALWAYS DOES! I have fantasies about WHAT I WOULD DO to a BODY like THAT on a MAN, and I won't even GO INTO THE DETAILS of THAT here, lest I be accused of 'WRITING PORN' in my blog now! He has a boyish charm, but HE IS ALL MAN. I am SITTING HERE SMILING now because I just added his photo here in this post for you to see and now I can't stop staring at it . . . . I can't even write any more on this blog, right now, because I can't think clearly after being so . . . DISTRACTED . . . by this man's hot body. Since I came across him online, I've saved so many of his dance videos on Facebook. So many that, the site sent me a notice that, I had 'recently saved over 200 videos', when I barely had ANY videos, saved, before. He posts ALOT of them, and his dancing looks much the same in all of them, but that it JUST FINE WITH ME. He certainly WEARS THE CHARGE DOWN on my vibrator, as my new, 'Go To' FANTASY MAN. Oh, man! I have to log off now, for the night. I can't keep a clear thought in my head after seeing his photo, to be able to write anymore, right now. >sigh!< I put links to some of his videos below. 

He is the closest thing to HAPPINESS, for me, IN MY LIFE, now, so I'm grateful, to him and for him. There's an EPIDEMIC of FRUSTRATED and UNFULFILLED WOMEN like ME in this country. HE CHEERS US UP when NO ONE and NOTHING ELSE does, and he leaves us SMILING, at least. We NEED more men like HIM in THIS WORLD!

Hi, I'm John Noble. Jdaddy74 on social media sites.

OH, BABY!

YES, PLEASE!

Here are some videos of him . . . .

https://www.facebook.com/reel/972747617116733

https://www.facebook.com/reel/6862014977226837

https://www.facebook.com/reel/385461357159285

https://www.facebook.com/reel/841488077753953

Here's a short video clip from the 'Magic Mike' movie series, also, that is similar to how 'Jdaddy74' dances. I have these movies on DVD. I don't even know or care, if they actually have a plot line, to them. LOL! I just want to watch, all, of the dance scenes. Channing Tatum, has that very attractive ability to be so sincere and sexy at the same time. Not just one or the other. He's one of my fantasies, due to that.

Magic Mike Dance Clip - YouTube

I still have alot of other creative writing starts, and scribbles, on various pieces of paper, that I can share more of, at some point. I am going to hit "Publish" and get this November blog post online, though, because I am really exhausted right now. The cold weather, has caused me concern about the pipes, in my house, so for the last several nights, now (as well as facing another night of it, still, tonight), I have stayed up all night until well past dawn to monitor the situation and do what I can to prevent any issues from developing. I do not have money for contractors, to fix things that break. I'm so sleep deprived right now that I feel like a zombie. I don't know if this post even sounds coherent, because I was utterly exhausted as I was writing it. >sigh!< I ordered a full-size artificial Christmas tree to put up this year, because I haven't decorated at all since I moved here, aside from a yard sign, the year before last, that said 'Jesus is the reason for the season' or some such thing.

It is still in the box, and December is almost upon us, now, so I am wondering if I will even end up putting it up this year. I feel so burned out, by everything I have been through, and been put through, by people. Christmas is my favorite holiday! (I don't like the cold, though.) I just don't feel 'festive', right now. I feel like I am, still, just trying to SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD, that seems increasingly loveless and dark, to me. God is SO GOOD TO ME, and I DO have SO MUCH to be GRATEFUL to Him for! My GRATITUDE to God is what motivates me the most. (The sight of John Noble dancing, is what motivates me the second most! WHATEVER WORKS!) I am just feeling REALLY FRAGILE right now, so I'm trying to focus on taking care of me and hoping that things will 'fall into place' for me, in the new year, more than they have, for awhile now. I wish for you readers ALL the LIGHT and LOVE your life can hold! If YOU have someone special, in your life, please, realize, HOW MANY OF US DON'T, have that, and make sure to TELL them WHAT THEY MEAN TO YOU. I hope they tell YOU what YOU mean to them, too. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE THAT FOR ME.

P.S. I saw this on social media, after I published this post, and it really resonated with me. It's the one thing that I really need that I feel like I've never had in life.

I Hate Roller Coasters & I've Been On One

This is dedicated to a, very patient, caring, friend of mine, who helped me survive this particular 'dark night of the soul', that I am describing in this post. Her name, is not given here, however, for fear that she would then be even more targeted by the clique where we live, than she already is. I have worried, excessively, that she will be even further mistreated by these people if they know that she is my friend.

She was my light, helping, to lead me back to sanity, when darkness overtook me.

I hate roller coasters, whether they are mechanical, or emotional. I do not like the ride they take me on. I like, standing on solid ground, and having the sense that I have sure footing, in my situation. I have not had that feeling of security, for quite awhile now. I am, currently, recovering from, what could only be described as, my having a nervous breakdown*. Everything I have been through (been put through by people), became too much to bear, and I fell into such a dark despair that, all I could do, for awhile, was free fall, helplessly, as I struggled to even find the will to go on. Basic things, like showering or brushing my hair, were neglected because it took any strength that I could still find, within me, to battle the despondency, that had me in its clutches, and was shaking the very life out of me. I have never been so scared that I would not be able to survive, what life was handing me to have to deal with, and I have been through ALOT, in my life. As I clung to my faith in God, I sent up, weak, whispered, prayers pleading for God to "help me!" because I was barely eating, or sleeping, or functioning, well, at all. What I was experiencing felt like being in an airplane that was headed nose first straight toward the ground, at full speed, unable to pull itself up, to avoid crashing. I was doing all I could, but it was not enough. NOTHING, was working. The pain of the situation pummeled me.

I posted this on my personal FACEBOOK page:

I am just tired. Too MUCH heartache for too LITTLE joy. Hope just feels like a liability to me. It seems like it always opens me up to MORE PAIN &    DISAPPOINTMENT & GENUINE CRUELTY from people. I DON'T WANT my heart to believe it can ever HAVE what it WANTS. It FEELS LIKE A LIE. I'm going to settle for what I CAN have and DO ALL I CAN to be ENTHUSIASTIC about those things. I don't know how else to keep going. MY HEART IS SO BROKEN. There are no words.

I also posted:

I am living this.

On Twitter, I retweeted this tweet, that I saw in my Timeline:

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Gossip can be an insidious form of bullying or harassment. If the intent is to demean, propagate lies or half truths about people, or designed to hurt, denigrate and destroy reputations behind people's backs, then gossip has crossed a line into harassment.

Adding, my own comment, onto the retweet:

I AM LIVING THIS. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!

A friend on Twitter sent me this. It describes EXACTLY HOW I FEEL right now:

I have A REALLY GREAT SUPPORT SYSTEM ONLINE which REALLY HELPS ME ALOT.

This is something that I wrote when I was struggling to recover from the nervous breakdown. My writing helps me to process things that I am thinking and feeling.  I had never had this much of a mental collapse before, and it scared me so much that I hope it is the last one that I will ever have. I didn't think I would survive it. Nothing that I have ever done, previously, worked in this situation; or helped me with the things that I was thinking and feeling because of it. Honestly, for a time, it, truly, looked like, this thing, was going to be the death of me, in some way, or other. I cried out for God to show me His Grace to help me get through it, while I watched, helplessly, as I tried to dog paddle, in this, raging, sea of emotions, and not be drowned by them all. The internal gauge on my emotions began telling me things that, it never had, before. Not, this way. Not, this long. Not, this deep. . . .

Have you ever given someone much more credit than they deserved, and eventually realized that they never were the person that meant the world to you? Has someone ever so fooled you that your heart blossomed around them, but once it was fully open, like a flower, fragile and sweet, they cut you off in a cold, cruel, way, and even seemed to enjoy watching you wither, and fade away? Have you ever been so wrong in your assessment of people that you nearly didn't survive the shock of finally seeing what they are really like, and you doubt your ability to size people up, and worse, to ever be able to fully trust anyone ever again?

Has your heart ever been so broken, and your soul in such deep pain, that your eyes look like sad pools of tears in the mirror, and your cry sounds like that of a wounded animal that is scared, and anxious, and bleeding, and unsure if it will even survive the blows that it took from the hand that it once trusted to care for it? Have you ever wondered if you will smile, or laugh, or even want to live, again? Have you ever felt that you had to watch everyone you interact with closely for clues of possible betrayal, because you're surrounded by people who have defamed your character and spread truly vicious rumors about you, and even told people to not befriend you-- to the point that people who barely know you or don't even know you at all won't even speak to you, either because they believe the gossip and don't even give you a chance by getting to know you themselves, or they whisper quickly and quietly, before they rush away, from your walking up to them, before those opposing you see them, that they don't necessarily believe ALL the things they hear about you, but they just don't want to get involved, or be put in the middle of it, or be ostracized this way themselves due to association with you?

Do you ever feel like a second-class citizen, because you don't even get voicemails or emails responded to, AT ALL, by people that have been your heroes in the past, who used to, be there for you, for a while, anyway, and have to wonder if that change is because they either heard the ugly rumors, and believed all that, without ever once asking you about it, or they started the rumors themselves, for whatever reason they want to discredit you for, and hurt you in some way, and they don't want to be held accountable for their actions (despite saying they are Christians who believe in God, who would then also believe in Judgement Day)?

I never stood a chance. Before I even packed up my things, loaded a truck, and moved to what God had just done a miracle to bless me with as 'the desire of my heart' to own my own home, I NEVER STOOD A CHANCE in this 'community' with its HATEFUL PEOPLE. TRULY MEAN, HYPOCRITICAL, UGLY, people. The clique was in place before I even got here, but it grew larger, as new residents arrived, and were recruited to join its ranks, undermining the entire environment of what could have been 'Heaven on Earth', for us all, here.

Have you ever come close to being suicidal because people have so shocked you, with their cruelty, and manipulations-- that were actually NOT truly CARING, but were designed to cause you to LOWER YOUR GUARD, AND TRUST THEM, so they could manipulate you, with their actual motivation being to discredit you, to make you look bad? To make you look like the problem, after they push you and push you and accuse you and mistreat you, until you finally say a 'bad' word to their face, or look and sound hysterical, from frustration and outrage. . . when they make sure they have a witness to that, just so they can 'document' that YOU acted like that. They NEVER SHOW ANYONE ELSE how THEY have acted, though-- unless, it's those that are IN ON THIS SHAM, and are HELPING THEM DO IT to you.

People you liked- even loved-- and once trusted, turn out to have an agenda to discredit you, and possibly even go so far as to cost you your dream. The ONE AND ONLY DREAM COME TRUE you have EVER HAD in YOUR ENTIRE LIFE hangs in the balance, and you feel the FEAR of knowing they could COME IN FOR THE KILL-- and FINISH YOU OFF-- at any moment. These are people that YOU TRUSTED; who MADE THIS DREAM POSSIBLE, that they then turned into a nightmare, by mistreating, and disrespecting, you, in some hard and humiliating ways. The WORST part of it is, you don't know WHY.

Recently, something that I have been grappling with for quite a while now became too much for me to bear. I felt, and acted, like I was having a nervous breakdown, because of it. I became so despondent, so filled with despair, that I felt afraid as I found myself in a dark freefall, and I felt like I couldn't pull myself out of it. Like a terrifying movie scene, where a plane suddenly malfunctions for some reason and starts a nosedive straight toward the ground, is a fair representation of how I was feeling, and I truly didn't know what to do about it. When people look at me, they often size me up to be some fragile female, likely because I'm small, in body type, and my general demeanor (unless I'm upset in some way) is normally gentle, and friendly. Because of that, some are taken aback when they finally push me too far and feel the full force of my anger at them. 

I've been through ALOT in my life and if I am anything I am a survivor! Up until this 'dark night of the soul' happened to me I had come through every, hellish, thing I have ever been dealt in my life, and lived to tell it, including, in this blog. So, I was in new territory, emotionally, when I started to see that I wasn't doing well-- at all-- in successfully dealing with this thing now. Returning to my movie analogy, it went as far as that heart-pounding scene where the plane almost crashes into the ground nose first and all the souls aboard are about to perish, but at the very last second, the pilot is able to pull it back up, again, avoiding a disaster.

DANGER! Approaching 90% on my self-destruction gauge. . . . Approaching 95% . . . . Approaching 98%. With a mere 2%, left, to go, with me so exhausted in every way that I was passively watching my own imminent demise, at this point, because I had nothing left in me to oppose it, anymore. I EXPECTED TO DIE, at this point, if only because THERE WAS NO MORE 'FIGHT' LEFT IN ME. It was then that I felt a shaft of light hit my extremely weary soul, straight from Heaven, bringing a tiny hint of hope, with it, and stopping my head-on collision with giving up altogether, that I was right up against, by then. I have never felt so scared as I felt being in the throes of this mocking and menacing mindset, and what looked like, no way out, right before God's Grace got to me, just in the nick of time, saving me.

My weak pleas to God, and one friend staying alongside me, as I battled it, finally helped me to pull up out of it, but not before I felt that I had hit a 98% chance of imminent impact. My deep desire to live, which has seen me through every, 'dark night of the soul', that has been my destiny to endure, was, barely, stronger than the desire to be done, with all the bullshit, people have inflicted on me, in the last couple of years. Those claiming to be "Christians", have treated me the worst. No matter what I do or don't do nothing has remedied alot of it, and I am left feeling anxious, and angry, about having this bullshit affecting my quality of life. For alot of reasons, including personal safety, I cannot write openly, about specific details, as long as I am here, in this situation. It has been, a real struggle, to describe, to you, what my life is like, in this location and circumstance, while not being able to give you more details or expound on it in my blog posts. I can tell you that I have treated these people better than they are treating me, all things considered. They have defamed, discredited and disparaged me, which deeply distresses me due to my pet peeve being someone not treating me with respect. To complicate it, even more, these same people HAVE been there for me in some VERY significant ways, in between, all the other times, that they HAVE NOT 'shown up' to support me, or worse, have undermined my reputation, here, and caused problems for me, in my relationships with some others, by, saying things, about me, they really shouldn't.

It is a very fair and honest statement to say that this is a dysfunctional, and even toxic, environment in some significant ways, and perhaps more so for me, since I have been the main target of alot of the gossip, which includes some very serious lies about me. It is disheartening to continually try to overcome what is largely an undeserved reputation. There are people here who HAVE NEVER MET ME but think so badly of me, because of the things they have been told, about me; and they do not even keep an open mind to give me a chance and decide for themselves. I am a flawed person with faults, to be sure, but isn't everyone, including those who do this to me? I read something online just this past week, that said, 'For a world full of imperfect people who have their own faults, isn't it amazing how many of them stay busy judging others?' To be sure, WE ALL do it to someone, sometime, about something. But, I am dealing with people who have made it their Calling in life, to sully, and even trash, my reputation, where I live, including in ways which are not at all accurate. TRUTH has ALWAYS MATTERED to ME. The way I see it is that God knows THE WHOLE TRUTH, already, and every one of us will FACE OUR MAKER on Judgement Day, for OUR OWN SINS; not for SOMEONE ELSE'S. So, if my ultimate Judge ALREADY KNOWS THE TRUTH and it WILL ALL COME OUT IN THE END, why would I LIE NOW? Lies have a way of COMING TO LIGHT EVENTUALLY, and I am a firm believer in Karma showing up at some point (although often not soon enough for me). I have redacted the blog posts I have written about where I live now and intend to keep on doing that for as long as I live here. Since I moved here to have the blessing from God of owning my own home-- which was the deepest Desire Of My Heart-- and I LOVE MY HOME here, I am not planning to go anywhere else and therefore will NEVER be able to tell you the specifics of my situation. I continue, to protect people, who have disrespected me, spread rumors about me, and told lies about me-- for, a number of reasons; not the least of which, is because, I DO NOT have ANY desire to hurt THEM or THEIR LIVES, INCLUDING, in the ways that they HAVE DONE THAT to ME, and MY life. The ones behaving most like they are pious, and therefore 'in a religious huff' toward me, for BEING A SINNER in THEIR EYES, don't seem to know Bible scripture as well as I do, despite being churchgoers, etc.

Here are some applicable Bible verses that they either don't know or don't live by:

"Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things they ought not to." 1 Timothy 5:13

"With their mouths the godless destroy their neighbors." Proverbs 11:9

"Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the LORD." Leviticus 19:16

"Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it." James 4:11

"Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless." James 1:26

"Do not spread false reports." Exodus 23:1

"Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips and spreads slander is a fool." Proverbs 10:18

"The tongue has the power of life and death." Proverbs 18:21

"All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me." Psalms 41:7

There are many more such verses, throughout God's Word, but I don't see these people living by these things, as much as they are judging, gossiping about, and defaming me, as well as other 'targets' of their wagging tongues who came here wanting a wonderful life, in a place that could, so easily, be experienced as being very close to 'Heaven on Earth'. It is a true tragedy, that 50, 60, 70 and even 80 year old people, both women and men, saw fit to bring the toxicity here. Do they not even realize how much this affects and diminishes THEIR OWN quality of life?

I was never bullied by anyone, in my entire life, until I arrived here, with my high hopes, and my moving boxes, and began being bossed around by a neighbor and bullied by her from my very first day here. Because I resisted both her controlling character and her intrusive interference, in my private life, which, frankly, was so over-the-top that I cried-- and cried out to God-- every day for the first couple of weeks, because of it, I began to avoid her. I had tried confronting this issue head on by speaking directly with her about it, because she was making me miserable!  I was even encouraged that we could overcome it, and get along well together, as she admitted to me that she had prayed about this very behavior of hers, and the Lord had told her, Himself, that she was doing this, to me, and should stop. Being unable or unwilling to put her energy behind behaving better, toward me, instead, she began to gossip, about me, and spread slanderous lies, about me. She would even pull people aside, that she saw getting to know me, or even befriending me, and tell them that they (the clique she helped form here whose members already ran off several people who moved here-- some moved out almost as soon as they were unpacked, because they concluded that, this was no way to live) didn't LIKE me, so this person SHOULDN'T EITHER. She boasted that she 'had the ear' of the manager and that he always asked her what her opinion was of the new residents which intimidated people 'not to cross her', because of this 'power' she claimed to have here. Several people have nervously whispered to me that they don't like it, that the clique 'runs this place', but that, they feel pressured, to 'go along, to get along' with the clique rather than risk being ostracized the way I and others have been. Grown women, including myself, when I asked for a meeting, about it, with the manager, have sat in the office IN TEARS, because of the awful impact, clique bullies, have had, on our lives. Some, fled, and others caved in, and joined them, rather than continue to be 'punished', for not doing so. One woman, that came to me, several times, deeply distressed by the bullying she was experiencing, whom  I always comforted, TURNED ON ME, after JOINING THEM! Can you IMAGINE that happening to YOU when you and she BOTH KNOW that you DIDN'T HAVE TO stick YOUR neck out, FOR HER, and AFTER YOU DID SO, to be COMPASSIONATE to her, SHE then turns on YOU? I have LIVED this here, among SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

I am a STRONG person, who has BEEN PUT THROUGH SO MUCH in my life. That's why, this blog, about my life, was given the title it has. I have been forced to face so much HEARTACHE. I always had a Desire Of My Heart, to own my own home-- but it was IMPOSSIBLE, for me! Just a few years, before, GOD DID THIS, for me-- made this MIRACLE HAPPEN, for me-- I had been in a homeless shelter. The Bible says that, "Nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). I trust God, TAKING HIM AT HIS WORD. Reminding Him, of His Word, assurances, and promises, to me, as His daughter in the faith, I CRIED OUT TO HIM, for what I have now-- this HOME, OF MY OWN!-- because I KNEW that I NEEDED IT! For me it WASN'T just a WANT. It was a genuine NEED, to have, more, peace, and privacy, in my life. I WATCHED GOD, DO THIS-- FOR ME! TO THIS DAY, I STILL get tears in my eyes, and start to cry, from sheer, AMAZEMENT, and GRATITUDE, that God GAVE ME this DESIRE OF MY HEART! My home is EVERYTHING I ever DREAMED of! I love it, SO MUCH! I've

been exhausted at times, by the physical, emotional, and mental demands placed on me, here, due to various aspects of my new and different lifestyle, but I am so HAPPY, with my life here. Despite, everything, MY HOME is well worth fighting for.

Even so I have been so saddened by things I have been subjected to by people at times, that I came perilously close to NOT SURVIVING IT ALL. I could give you so many examples of my trying to be supportive, and even protective, of the people here, that I deeply care about, and truly love.  As readers of my blog, you know I have even gone to great lengths to be as nondescript as possible while discussing the effects of individuals here, on me, and my life, while still trying to write about my life, here-- which these people became a part of, when I moved here, and are therefore also a part of my 'life story' now. I have been thrown under the bus, by the people that, I care about the most, here. Even in the face of my continuing to be protective and supportive of them! To say that, this, has hurt me, deeply, is an understatement. While I AM a very strong person, is some ways, I am ALSO VERY FRAGILE, in other ways, and having to go through some of the biggest heartbreak of my entire life here has left me broken in some ways, that make me much more vulnerable, now. When I was battling the despondency, that threatened to DO ME IN, just a few weeks ago, I sometimes wondered sadly if the people here that are treating me in some, very, disrespectful, and hurtful, ways would have felt even a little bit sad if I did not make it through that, or whether they would have actually been glad that I was gone; celebrating my being gone, however that came about.

We hear alot about the impact of bullies and such people on young people. As an adult, even a senior citizen, now, I felt like I could survive it because I know that  it really says ALOT more about the PEOPLE DOING IT than it says about the ones THEY TARGET to do this to. No ONE thing that anyone here has done to me could have ever driven me to the, deep, despair, that I finally fell into, due to my being worn down by the never-ending onslaught of this shit toward me that started my very first day here and has never really stopped, to this very day, almost 2 years later. If I told you all the things that grown up people have put me through here I GUARANTEE that you would be SHOCKED. Because this is MY HOME, and I DON'T WANT TO STOOP TO THIS LEVEL OF BEHAVIOR, I have continued to cover for the very people who DO THESE THINGS TO ME. The way I see it, GOD KNOWS about all of it, and the day WILL come that they will have to explain themselves to Him. The fact that it has ACTUALLY BEEN THE CHRISTIANS, who sit in church pews on Sunday, who have TREATED ME THE WORST, here, is HARD TO BELIEVE, I know. The Bible, tells us that, in the End Times, the love of many will grow cold. People will turn on those that we never thought they would. If it's THIS BAD NOW, I feel truly sorry for those who will still be on the Earth when ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

There is SO MUCH that I COULD say, but that I CONTINUE NOT TO SAY-- even to defend myself, in the face of all these lies, false accusations, and slander. I know that it may be hard to understand but I ACTUALLY LOVE ALL THESE PEOPLE. I do not LIKE some of them, but I TRULY CARE ABOUT THEM and WISH NO HARM ON THEM, in ANY way, at ANY time. I spend all my time-- mostly all alone, inside my beautiful house!-- trying, to LIVE IN PEACE, and AVOID, BEING VICTIMIZED, any more than I already am. I SHOULD be out walking, every day, for my cardio, and other health-related reasons (even if just for communing with Nature, in order to try to feel less stressed; at least, for awhile). I hesitate to do alot of things, here, that I wanted to do when I came here, because those things might expose me to more, criticism, and blame, for things that, I am NOT EVEN DOING! A part of me wants to flaunt my freedom to be out and about just being 'me', right in the face of these people who-- no matter, WHAT I DO, or DON'T DO-- ACCUSE ME of alot, and spread gossip about that, to add insult to injury. Some of the untrue rumors about me here have been so VICIOUS that they TOOK MY BREATH AWAY, when I finally heard about them. Often, my ONLY COMFORT has been that GOD KNOWS THE WHOLE TRUTH. Sometimes, a friend here risks being supportive of me, too, but other times they can't take being ostracized, for befriending me, and it ruins the friendship. I can't say that I blame them considering the price they are made to pay for even being seen talking to me here. It is JUST SO SAD-- for ALL of us. Including, those clique members that created this hateful and toxic environment.

 

It has created so much division, causing people to feel that, THEY HAVE TO TAKE SIDES, when most people say that, they don't even want to be dragged into this thing. As I said before, several people in a relatively short span of time who had been genuinely excited and enthusiastic about moving here, for the lifestyle that they believed they would find here, have already moved away, specifically citing, their needing to escape this crap for their own peace of mind. It undermines the joy, of living here, as well as, the serenity, of the environment, and the sense of safety, that is needed for peace of mind. WHY would GROWN UPS who are ALSO SENIOR CITIZENS, for the most part, even WANT to CREATE this, CATTY, PETTY,  TOXIC TONGUE-WAGGING, as THEIR OWN HOME? WHAT is the PAYOFF, for this?  It seems to me they wanted POWER AND CONTROL OVER THEIR ENVIRONMENT but EVERY person EVERY day gets out of bed (if they are lucky enough to still be alive) and CHOOSES what THEY are going to USE THEIR POWER FOR. ALL OF US HAVE PERSONAL POWER which we wield in whatever way we choose to make our own little corner of the world what it is. HOW, WE USE THAT, IS ENTIRELY, UP TO US. I have misused that personal power in ways that I should not have at times, but I have never decided to trash anyone's life including just for SPORT or SPITE as it seems people have done to their neighbors here. I had thought that I could be stronger, than to let them get to me so badly. But after, almost, two years, of

this shit, they have worn me down, so far, that I almost couldn't go on anymore.

God will hold them accountable for bullying me. They came VERY close to seeing the FULL EFFECT, of their personal power, ON ME, and, on MY LIFE, due to, HOW they have CHOSEN to use it. To their 'credit' it was even powerful enough to cost someone their WILL TO LIVE. I had to battle back from finally having a complete nervous breakdown, because of, how UNFAIRLY, and even, CRUELLY, I have been treated here, by so many that have, affinities for, and affiliations with, the clique members. My main motivations, that I used, to WILL MYSELF TO SURVIVE, were the fact that, I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that THIS HOME is GOD'S WILL FOR ME, and His Word, promises me, in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you, and not  to  harm  you, plans to give you hope and a future." The other thing, that kept me going, until I recovered my equilibrium enough that, I knew, that I would be alright, now, was my sheer, clenched teeth, DETERMINATION that I would NOT give these, hateful, people the satisfaction (or, the devil in them, either!). How, they have chosen, to treat ME, and OTHER people here, has NOTHING TO DO WITH God. They can tell themselves that, but holy scripture DOES NOT BACK THAT UP. It is a 'RELIGIOUS spirit'-- NOT GOD'S SPIRIT-- that causes them to believe it is actually God's Will, to, deliberately, try to destroy someone's quality of life, because they can't stand the speck, in that person's eye, while they IGNORE the BEAM in THEIR OWN eye.

 

After I started to feel stronger and steadier, with the help of the people that know and care about me who are my support system, I created profiles for what I hope to find in a man, on, two, online dating sites. The response to both has truly been overwhelming! It has helped to heal my badly damaged self-esteem, to see how I am so sought after by so many men who do not live here to be affected by all the gossip, rumors, and even outright lies that are told about me in this community. I have come close to meeting five of these men in person already but I am focused on finding what I want more than my being what they want, when the two things are not matching up, well enough, so far, causing me to decide not to meet them, after all, but to keep looking for someone closer to the man I hope to find for me. Finding a comforting companion will go a long way toward stopping some rumors about me, here, that are no longer true, and some that were never true from the start. It isn't easy to find a good man in my age group that is still single. Many of the men have been dumped and divorced by their wives. Some are widowed. The online dating scene can be daunting, and even dangerous, but after everything, I have been subjected to here, in this community, it seems like a much better idea than doing any socializing here where the Get Togethers and Meet And Greets are opportunities for the residents to see and hear even more things to spread gossip about. The little I have heard about it, since I don't go to those, here, has caused me to cringe. I have not been the only one here targeted by the clique mentality. Others describe trying to attend those events, to meet their neighbors, but being too traumatized to risk exposing themselves again, to the cold shoulders and the haughty once-overs they were subjected to when they did attend. I can't think of anything that I would rather avoid more than a social get-together that I know is going to feel like, I deliberately placed myself in 'enemy territory'. I don't need it.

I finally decided that I would address the rumors about me here, since they are already spread far and wide throughout the community that I live in and not by me. Therefore, why shouldn't I also be able to discuss them, and which are lies.

MOST, of the RUMORS, LIES, HALF-TRUTHS, and GOSSIP, told, about me, come from people who claim to be churchgoing Christians who are Bible Thumpers**. They, either, don't KNOW, or don't CARE, that those things-- that, THEY DO, TO ME-- ARE SINS. I DON'T SEE 'JESUS', in ANY, of that, but, THEY, put ME, down.

 

I keep entirely to myself about 95% of the time, yet I still have so many things said, and spread, about me. Without going into details, about who said what, in these rumors about me which are often exaggerations, and some are even pure fiction, people have said that I have been OUTSIDE NAKED. (NOT TRUE.) It has been said that I accused someone on staff of rape. (NOT TRUE.) [By the way, it

so happens that, I have been COMPLETELY CELIBATE, for more than 25 YEARS, now, making that rumor really ridiculous!] The rumor that I had a serious crush  on a man here USED TO BE TRUE, but not for about A YEAR NOW, and that was actually very short-lived largely because of how badly he treated me because of  it. He was my 'role model' for finding 'a good man' for awhile, until I realized he was continuing to talk badly about me, to several people, in a way that affected their relationships with me, in a problematic way. CLEARLY, people who actually CARE about you DON'T DO THAT, and I realized that, I had given him WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT, which I stopped doing, then. Because I chose to be polite and to  be pleasant, when I did interact with him, he continued, to say the things about me, which negatively affected other peoples' opinions of me. He seems to enjoy subjecting me to public disrespect and ridicule by him, if I am anywhere around him. So, for quite a while now I do all I can to avoid him altogether. He has just not seemed to ever realize that, I am just being polite. When he speaks to me I have responded in a cordial manner. Sometimes, someone's ego does not allow them to accept the facts. There is alot more I could say about it or any of these rumors people here spread about me but I will leave it there because this is my home, and despite everything, I CARE about ALL the people here, and have NO desire to hurt THEM; even though they have chosen to HURT ME in many ways. This particular man, will forever have my gratitude, for the good things, that he brought to my life; in between, the awful ways, he treats me, in front of others.

One rumor about me is TRUE. I called 911, due to the clique members, because they came to the door of my home-- knowing before they did that, they weren't welcome, because of all the other awful ways they have treated me here-- and I did not even have their sign here in my home, which they ALSO knew, because I had removed their sign-- from MY yard-- and taken it to the manager's office for them to get from him. I DID THAT in an EFFORT to AVOID A CONFRONTATIONAL SCENE with these people which THEY were DETERMINED was GOING to HAPPEN anyway, because their GANGING UP ON ME and OUTNUMBERING ME made them BOLD, and EVEN MEANER TO ME. When they showed up AT MY HOME and began POUNDING ON MY DOOR-- including, ON THE DOOR GLASS-- I was not about to OPEN the door. NOTHING, could have COME OF THAT, but a SCENE which had no real PURPOSE except to try to FURTHER INTIMIDATE AND BULLY ME. They KNEW  I was ALL ALONE inside my home. As distressing as it was to me, that they were doing this, I still waited for about 10 minutes or more of them POUNDING on my door BEFORE I called 911 because it was clear to me that they were not going to stop. I HAD EVERY RIGHT, to NOT OPEN MY DOOR, but THEY weren't GIVING me that right. Someone being polite about it would have knocked once or twice, and realizing you weren't going to come to the door for whatever reason, would have left the premises. NOT these CLIQUE members. One of them is the same woman who started harassing and bullying me from MY FIRST DAY HERE. They KEPT ON POUNDING on my door, until I truly feared they would BREAK THE GLASS, of the lengthy window in the door, and unlock the door then, to let themselves come in.

Is it illegal to knock on your neighbor's door?

Yes. It's called harassment. You absolutely can be arrested for that, and charged with trespassing, disturbing the peace, harassment or disorderly conduct.
 

What constitutes harassment from a neighbor?

Knocking on your door to pester you, or approaching you when you go outside, to do the same.

Smirking at you, laughing at you, or staring you down whenever you leave your property or get home, or walk or drive past them.

Spreading malicious gossip about you to the other neighbors to try and isolate you, or encouraging other neighbors they’re friendly with to be hostile towards you or mess with you in some way.

They might claim that you’re harassing THEM.

Just generally monitoring everything you do, or you feel as though you’re being monitored by them.

If you feel that you never live in peace at your property, or dread coming home, you’re probably being harassed.

Do I have to answer the door?

Citizens are not required to answer the door.

I had the 911 Operator STAY ON THE LINE WITH ME, because it was EXTREMELY DISTRESSING AND TRAUMATIZING TO ME. All told, they POUNDED ON MY DOOR for a SOLID HALF HOUR OR MORE. They only, finally, STOPPED when the DEPUTY arrived on scene. Even so, he made light of it, in his report-- despite it fitting the standard LEGAL definition of HARASSMENT, which IS A CRIME; and the manager, tried to say that, I wasn't 'REALLY' UPSET, by being subjected to that, to which, I told him-- several, times-- to GET THE 911 TAPE, and LISTEN TO IT. He didn't DO that, because the Sheriff's department employee, who provided ME with copies of the DISMISSIVE deputy's report, which said my 911 Call was "UNFOUNDED", and the FULL audio recording of my 911 Call, that awful evening, told me, they would

have a record, of anyone asking for these things, and that, I WAS THE ONLY ONE who had EVER requested them. My heart sank to hear that, because the manager had 'made light' of what I was going through in that situation, saying to me more than once, with an amused look on his face, something like, "WERE YOU, REALLY, AFRAID for your safety that you needed to call 911?" EVERY TIME I replied to him "GET THE TAPE! LISTEN, TO THE TAPE!" At first, he said, he could get it. Then, he told me that, he found out, he couldn't get it. I waited for 8 months to even try to get those records, for myself, BECAUSE HE made it SOUND like it was DIFFICULT, to IMPOSSIBLE, to DO. It turns out that ANYONE COULD GET THOSE RECORDS, I was told, and all they had to do was what I did. Fill out a form online and wait for them to be emailed at no cost. I got them 2 days or less after filling out the form.

 

It was hard for me to sit through that recording, hearing my fear and anxiety, SO CLEARLY, on that tape, from last Fall. It was TRULY INSULTING to read the report, the deputy filed about the incident, indicating that my 911 Call wasn't for a GOOD REASON. The audio file is easy to share, if I choose to, because, it is an email. So far, I sent it to one friend, who said that THEY could HEAR the FEAR and ANXIETY in my voice, throughout the call that DOCUMENTED the ORDEAL, I was subjected to. Hearing what I went through made them both sad and angry. I thought about, sending it to the manager, that belittled my feelings, about that incident, and told me, he couldn't get the recording. But he has shown me so much disrespect in so many ways, so many times, that I knew it really wouldn't matter, if he heard it or not. He dismisses ALOT of what I think and feel. It is clear he doesn't respect me. 

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered. (Proverbs 11:13 ESV)

I would REALLY LIKE to ACTUALLY SEE 'JESUS' in THESE PEOPLE, FOR A CHANGE, that have PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH HERE. The ones that CLAIM to BELONG TO HIM, anyway. One of the men involved in starting the worst rumor about me here once gave me the name of his pastor and told me to watch that spiritual leader of his preach online. People have told me to do that, before, about the churches and pastors they are associated with, and frankly I rarely follow through because they don't impress me much as representatives of the church or pastor they tell me to watch. Because, I respected THIS man, at the time, I DID, look up HIS pastor, on the internet, and watch. He treated me badly, several times, after that, though. I NEVER TOLD A SOUL something VERY PERSONAL that HE told me about someone in his own family because I had no idea if it was private information that he didn't want to go public with, or be gossiped about, and it wasn't my place to tell. Later,  I learned that he had actually told people here about it very freely and openly but it WAS his news to tell, and HE MADE THAT DECISION. I NEVER TOLD ANYONE. I was shocked, hurt, and deeply disappointed, when this same, 'Christian' man told SEVERAL PEOPLE here, that I KNOW OF, GOSSIP about ME, including, things that got spun into a story that was outrageously defaming of me (the rape accusation rumor), which HE started with ANOTHER 'Christian' (who is a clique member), by badmouthing me together, for something that happened that was actually not my fault, but was the manager's fault, and his fault, which I won't expound on, here. It has been the CHRISTIANS here that have said the worst things, about me, and they know, that, I am, also, a Christian. They need to focus on THEIR OWN SINS. Come Judgement Day, GOD isn't going to ASK THEM about MY SINS, but THEIRS. A friend recently told me, someone started a Bible Study, here, but just based on 

my personal experiences, with the 'Christians' here, I have NO desire to GO to it.

By the way, I thought about embedding the audio recording of my 911 Call here, in this blog post, but it includes, specific, information about my location. Despite my being, 'thrown under the bus', to protect themselves, at my expense, and all the things people say, about me, here, including, things that slander and defame me, and really deeply hurt me, I TRULY CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, and I have no desire to treat THEM like they have treated me. I have tried to be HELPFUL to them, and even, a BLESSING, to them, in the ways, that I can. I am doing much better, now, mentally, and emotionally, than I was a few weeks ago.  During that complete breakdown I suffered, I didn't even have it in me to BRUSH MY HAIR. I had to start taking a sleeping pill each night to be able to sleep. I'm gaining back the weight that I dropped because I could barely eat. I lost about 10 pounds due to that, and I am a slender size 6 who should NEVER be LOSING WEIGHT if I can help it. It TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME to SURVIVE when I had that breakdown and EVEN WITH ALL THAT, I STILL almost did not make it. That is SO SAD, because I CHERISH LIFE, despite how DIFFICULT it has often been for me in so many ways.

But, by the GRACE OF GOD and the patient SUPPORT of A FRIEND I RECOVERED from the nervous breakdown I had here, just a few weeks ago, that nearly drove me to commit suicide. I LOVE LIFE-- and, believe it or not, I love my life HERE. I have just been SUBJECTED TO SO MUCH since I came here, that it finally caused me to have a mental and emotional breakdown, from the 'BULLCRAP OVERLOAD'.

 

I'm SO GLAD I RECOVERED, and am dancing and singing and baking, and feeling like myself again! I have blog readers in 63 countries, now. Because, I feel a real responsibility, to the readers of this blog, which is about my life, and is especially about the 'dark nights of the soul' that I have had to survive, throughout my life,  I want you to know that I would never simply stop writing my blog posts without telling you I was going to do that and why. The only way there would cease to be posts, otherwise, is if something unforeseen happened, that is out of my control, that prevented me from writing any more posts. If it's in my power and ability to tell you, what is happening, with me, I will ALWAYS let you know. You have come alongside me, through my blogging about my life, to share my life's pilgrimage. I want to you to know that YOU MATTER TO ME and I CHERISH YOUR PRESENCE in my life. I will never just 'leave you hanging' to wonder whatever happened to me.

I had a FAITHFUL BLOG READER in Portugal, for more than 2 years, after I began publishing these ongoing installments of my life story online. I saw them show up in my STATS page, month after month, post after post. Of course, all, I could see was their country, listed there. I started, looking for them, there, after I put each post online. Always smiling to myself, and feeling comforted, when they appeared in my stats. That reader, and one in Germany-- who is STILL WITH ME HERE, had always been my most faithful readers, besides, those that are here, in the United States. Then Covid came, and spread throughout the world, putting ALL OF US at risk. Each time I posted something to my blog, I would PRAY that my readers are all still alive and well. I would check the Stats data for my blog, feeling reassured when I saw the countries show up that represented my usual readers. I breathed  a sigh of real relief. I wanted them to be safe, and well! Then, Portugal, suddenly stopped showing up. I checked and checked and checked again. One month, Two months, Three months, . . . . A whole year. . . . Then, two years. NO, PORTUGAL. 

That country never showed up in my stats again. I NEVER KNEW what happened.  I PRAYED for them-- that they were ALRIGHT. That they were SAFE. Maybe, they MOVED, to another country, I told myself. I even hoped, they had simply, tired of reading about my life. ANYTHING, except my fear that they caught Covid and did not survive. I even thought maybe they were elderly and just passed away of old age. I JUST DON'T KNOW, what HAPPENED to THAT person in PORTUGAL. I doubt  I will EVER know, in this life. I don't want to EVER LEAVE MY READERS HANGING, WONDERING, WHAT BECAME OF ME. That is why I will always TELL YOU, if I can.  I AM STILL HERE, and I am glad that YOU are STILL HERE, with me. THANK YOU!

         

*Nervous breakdown - Nervous breakdown is a term used to describe symptoms of intense mental and emotional distress, which is most often due to a sudden or prolonged period of stress. It is a mental health crisis which is usually brought on by severe depression, stress or anxiety, and is mostly characterized by extremely impairing feelings, that overwhelm the person having the breakdown, and render them unable to concentrate, or make decisions. They feel like, they have reached rock bottom emotionally. They cannot function in their day-to-day life, even to do the most basic tasks, during, this-- potentially, life-threatening-- mental collapse. They feel burned out; and may have sudden outbursts of uncontrollable anger or crying because of their struggle to cope. They are in a very fragile frame of mind.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-nervous-breakdown-4172381
"Sometimes this stress is chronic, and seems to build up over time, until a person simply cannot cope anymore. In other cases, crisis situations can trigger an acute period of intense distress that leads to symptoms of a breakdown."

The most common signs that someone is having a mental breakdown are:

Hopelessness.
Thoughts of suicide.
Sense of worthlessness.
Unable to sleep.
Lacking appetite.
Inability to focus.
Severe disappointment with their life.

**Bible Thumper - One who uses the Bible to attack/defame others character instead of as a guide to proper living.