The thoughts and intentions of the heart....

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to  the division  of soul  and of spirit, of joints  and of  marrow,  and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12 ESV

God knows everything, including what I think or feel, and whether I wish that I did not think or feel some of those things. Like the psalmist in the Bible, I write alot of these things down. That's often the way I process them and how I try to get some of them out of my system, once and for all, if they're unwelcome or painful for me. Here's more of my creative writing (below) which I had told you some months ago I would share with you, from the haiku, lyrics, and poems, I have written over the years, and finally gathered together in one place, to be able to, finish some, tweak others, toss some out, altogether, and share some. PRIVATE thoughts and feelings are reflected in some of them. In fact I write them for that very reason in order to grapple with, the implications, and complications, of, whatever, 'this' is, in my life. 

Haiku

The sweet sounds of birds,

Twittering up in the trees,

Soothe my stressed-out soul.

 

The fall leaves dress up,

and dance in their brightest clothes,

to celebrate life.

The leaves can teach us so much about life. They come into this world when the spring arrives with its season of hopefulness, ever attempting to reach their full potential. In the summer, they shelter and shade others from the sweltering sun and strong storms. When fall comes they dress up in festive colors and dance in the breeze before their departure, aware that their time on the earth is finite yet celebrating that, it was theirs, for a time. When the cold winter comes, they still provide memories for us of their blessing and beauty while creatures find comfort and warmth underneath their crunchy brown remains. The newly appearing buds on dead-looking tree limbs remind us that, the cycle of life, will start again, soon.

These lyrics are meant to be humorous and lighthearted but will probably 'offend' the 'religious' types, who usually turn out to be, the world's biggest hypocrites....

 

🎵 I Want To Be Sexy In Heaven 🎵

I want to be sexy in Heaven.

I still want men to look my way,

When my soul has departed

 From its earthly shell of clay.

How could Heaven be happy,

If it isn't any fun?

If men stopped chasing me, in Heaven,

And all the 'flirty stuff' was done.

I wonder if Heaven's too holy,

For it to really be much fun?

I still want to go dancing,

When this life on earth is done!

God knows I am only human.

I like music and blue jeans.

I want to laugh and sing in Heaven,

Without the 'religious' being mean.

There is nothing more fun! -- if it is mutual.

"I remember the jokes, laughs, smiles,... and I doubt you remember any of that.”

 

David and I used to tell each other that we made each other grin really big. It was a very good sign, that we enjoyed each other. I think that relationship really could have been something, but it got ruined, by us, both, needing something the other one either could not or would not give. We made getting our own way about those issues a personal priority, rather than, accommodate each other, and compromise, and it cost us both the relationship. I have thought of him so often, but I feel that maybe we just weren't meant to be, because love would have found a way. Right?

Love Does That

I stare off into space,

With a big grin on my face,

Whenever you cross my mind.

The butterflies I feel,

At the thought of you,

Make my knees weak every time.

You bring me so much joy,

And you make me laugh.

I hate to be apart.

No one in this world,

Matters more to me.

Love does that to a heart.

 - Deborah Robinson

You Happened To My Heart

I didn't see it coming.

I didn't have a clue, 

That you would catch my eye,

And I'd fall in love with you.

I should have had my guard up,

From the very start.

But I didn't do that, and

You happened to my heart.

You became my heaven,

And you became my hell.

I was in a freefall, and

I wasn't doing well.

I tried to keep from sliding

Down that slippery slope,

But I couldn't keep my footing,

And I couldn't seem to cope.

I tried to stop the feelings.

I swear I did my best.

I didn't want to feel them.

They made things such a mess.

I stay away from you now.

I'm trying to be smart.

I don't need the pain because

You happened to my heart.

- Deborah Robinson

God Didn't Make You For Me

I never meant to love you.

I wish I never had.

I didn't see it coming.

I wasn't feeling glad.

Because it's clear to see,

God didn't make you for me.

Memories I once cherished

Now look like tarnished gold.

The butterflies are gone now.

They don't stay where it's cold.

I had to set them free.

God didn't make you for me.

Your heart is something special.

A treasure to be sure.

The way you care for others

Is genuine and pure.

I never had the key.

God didn't make you for me.

No one ever touched me

Like you touched my soul.

The laughter felt so good and

The smiles made me feel whole.

But there never was a 'we'.

God didn't make you for me.

I want you to be happy,

When she's lying in your arms.

Her loving all your strengths,

You enjoying all her charms.

That's the way it should be.

God made you for her and not me.

- Deborah Robinson

“And something inside me just . . . broke. That’s the only way I could describe it.”

I have realized in recent months that in many ways I have dehumanized males in a very similar way to how we women complain that men do that to us. It is doing them a grave disservice, as the other half of humanity. I have been quick to label them, have made unflattering assumptions about them and not accepted them as the people that they are. My doing that cost me love, including in my relationship with David that was blooming so well up until the point that I did that to him. (He failed me too. Our relationship ended because of impactful mutual shortcomings.) 

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, and I want to STOP, but I also need opportunities for an interactive relationship with a man that will make it possible for me to work on that, with them, and try to put that bad habit behind me. Because I have been let down and abused by men in so many ways in my life I don't give that gender alot of credit for having many other men that are not like that and would not treat me those ways. I am not making excuses for my poor behavior(s) of late, that I have been very disappointed to see in me and want to rid myself of, when I point out: I have been deeply affected by YEARS of ISOLATION FROM COVID (which continues

to this day...) and, other, respiratory viruses, etc., no healthy family relationships, celibacy for more than 25 years now and not being in a romantic relationship with anyone for more than half my life now (I'll be 68 next year), I don't have a car, to get out and explore or take a vacation. I feel burned out by the endless routine of each day, for years now, that feels like I'm stuck in a loop of living like that movie 'Groundhog Day' portrays. I am a flesh and blood human being, who has, several, deep, real, needs, that are not being met, AT ALL, for an extremely long period of time (if they EVER have), and it is all causing damage to my soul that is leading to my having fits of temper now because of my deep frustration and anger that even erupts into rage at times as I look Heavenward, in exasperation, and let God know how tired I am of living this way, when every day is closer to my last day on earth and real, hopeless, despair about, ever, having my needs or wants met, is settling on me like a very oppressive thick black fog, almost all the time, anymore. I NEED to SMILE and LAUGH and GET OUT ALOT MORE and TAKE A VACATION and GO TO THE BEACH, and HAVE SOME REAL FUN, and BE HUGGED, by people, and KISSED PASSIONATELY by a man, and be told "I LOVE YOU!" and so many things that just seem like they are NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN for ME. It just feels TOO HOPELESS and TOO LATE for the rest of my heart's desires to come true. I was 65 before the desire of my heart to have a home of my own finally happened and that happened ONLY because God did a MIRACLE for me to have this amazing blessing in my life.

“What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?”

Sometimes MY LIFE feels like some SICK JOKE. I have really been battling feeling very depressed lately. I almost never smile anymore, and I rarely laugh. I literally stand in front of a full-length mirror and GIVE MYSELF HUGS, so that, my physical body can experience SOME of the sensation of that very needed human nurturing. Needless to say, that doesn't have quite the healing impact that, being hugged by someone else-- someone special to me-- would have on both my body and soul. I feel SO SCARED inside, ALMOST ALL THE TIME, anymore. I feel like . . . it is JUST TOO LATE for ANY of MY DREAMS to COME TRUE. It is hard to motivate, when ALL HOPE SEEMS LOST. I keep trying to do my best with what I am handed to have to deal with, but I am NOT DOING WELL, right now, and I am, honestly, not sure, if I will MAKE IT THROUGH this. This year, I have felt FAR MORE FRAGILE than I EVER have IN MY ENTIRE LIFE-- and that is saying alot, because I have BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH in my life. I don't know what people see, when they look at me, now, or interact with me, but I am as fragile as a feather, now, which is terrifying, in itself, since so many people around me have dealt treacherously with me by eviscerating my reputation, which prevents people from wanting to have relationships with me, that could be the very ones that help pull me out of this dark place I am in now. It appears that those defaming me have wanted me to end up like I am now, so they have no motivation to stop 'trash talking' me to others, with lies and other crap. It is devastatingly cruel and evil, and even more mind-blowing to me is the fact that, the worst, of them, are quick to call themselves 'Christians', too. I am sitting here, shaking my head at the thought, of that claim of theirs. They have nearly 'finished me off' this year. I know now that, they CAN, destroy me, and they seem to WANT to do that. I could never imagine doing to anyone what they've done, to me, here. Do they NOT KNOW that THE LORD SEES THEM doing all these ugly things to me?

“I wish I could go back to a time when I could smile and it didn’t take everything in me to do it.”

'Sad' doesn't even BEGIN to describe how HEARTBROKEN these people have made me. Then, I get blamed for MY REACTION, to it. I get treated like my reaction to it is actually my having an 'attitude' about it, rather than, it actually being that, I AM TRULY TRAUMATIZED, by these types of ABUSES, of me. I just want to live my life in peace, and they have ROBBED ME OF THAT. I keep trying, my best, to FIND MY FOOTING again, but so far it has eluded me. I just try to stay focused on my goals and keep going, working on achieving those things, and looking forward to when I CAN HAVE A VACATION and RENEW MY SPIRIT, sometime in the future. >sigh!< I have 'propped myself up' emotionally by watching nonstop Christmas movies on 3 different networks (Hallmark, Great American Family, and Lifetime), but I also cry at some point in my watching them, out of wistfulness that I WANT THAT KIND OF LIFE, where there are supportive, caring people in my life and it culminates with a passionate kiss, between me and a very good man, who is totally in love with me. ALL I can do is LIVE VICARIOUSLY through these movies, and try to imagine what that might be like, as I have nothing in my real life to help me know, what it's like.

“And in the end, we were all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”

EVERY DAY, THAT PASSES, is PRECIOUS, and IRREPLACEABLE, and WASTED in SO MANY WAYS. I look at this world, with all the wars, and terrorism, and hatred, and want, and need, and I have NEVER FELT SO HOPELESS in my ENTIRE LIFE as I DO NOW. HOW can I HOPE to EVER find MY happiness in a world GONE MAD? It ISN'T EQUIPPED to GIVE ME THAT HAPPINESS. IT COULD CARE LESS. NO ONE CARES, I find myself muttering under my breath, as I go about another day that seems just like all the ones before it, for the last few YEARS, now. So many of the very things that bring JOY to life seem OUT OF REACH for me. I was SO CLOSE to finding love with DAVID, until it suddenly collapsed under the accumulating weight of BOTH of our EXPECTATIONS of THE OTHER one. Alot, of our messages, to one another, are copy and pasted into the following blog post: Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: Is There ANY Man Who's RIGHT For ME?  We seemed to be so close to finding real love with one another. If I can't have love I will settle for lust.

“Behind my smile is a breaking heart, behind my laugh I’m falling apart, behind my eyes are tears at night, behind my body is a soul trying to fight.”

I came across a guy online on Facebook who is my idea of the hottest guy on the planet-- for MY taste in men. (I have a friend who says, she doesn't see, the 'sex appeal' in him but I SURE DO!) So much so that I made his photo my lock screen background on my 27" computer monitor. He goes by 'Jdaddy74', on social media sites, but his actual name is John Noble. He's married and lives in Arizona, but he became my 'GO TO' FANTASY GUY, now, and I do not feel guilty about it, because his wife and grown daughters know he posts videos of him dancing sexy and they are occasionally in those videos, with him, as well as, some of his male friends or family members. I am so grateful to him, though, for BEING WHAT I NEED a MAN to BE, just so, I KNOW that, THEY ARE OUT THERE, if I should ever BE SO LUCKY. He loves country music, like I do, now, and he has a hairy chest-- but he recently waxed it or something, to remove that, which was a huge disappointment, to me, because I think that a hairy chest is so manly. He's about 50 years old, and refers to himself, on some of his videos, as being a 'grandpa'. He's ALOT of fun to watch because he LOVES to dance, just like I do, and he dances alot like the men in the 'Magic Mike' movies. He also TELLS OFF his HATERS (who are outnumbered by all of his Followers!) who put him down because of dancing like that when they don't HAVE TO watch. While the rest of us are smiling, because of the JOY he brings us, the haters accuse him of having a midlife crisis and other negative crap. He's just very kind, and masculine, and even silly-- which, I also love, about him. He's fun!

I could watch him ALL DAY! He just seems like A REALLY GOOD MAN, to ME!

Here are some of the Comments he gets from his Followers on Facebook . . . .

We all  you.

You make this senior smile, love from Culpeper Virginia

Awesome videos! You're great!

Love watching you dance. Keep it up.

I Support your courage to be authentically you. Woo Hooo

You look good in your jeans!!! Your moves are great!! Love watching you!!!

I love your videos!! Keep up the good vibes!!!!

Thanks for all the smiles you put on ppl faces

Good morning handsome!

The negative folks are just jealous, don't worry about those folk.

You and your beautiful family always has my family support

We get a kick out of your videos we are from Johnson City Tennessee God bless

Youre a nice man, ignore the haters! You put a smile on lots of faces...we need more joy in the world 

Good morning. Never worry about what other people think. Live your life to the fullest..

You be you.

We enjoy your videos 

Keep doing what you do forget the negative people. You create smiles and makes my day 

Looking good

You look like ya'll are having fun. Thank you for all smiles you give us.

Nice handsome looking fun loving man.

Awesome picture of a good man . Just saying!!!! I call it like I see it!!!!

Sexy that's all in one word

I like all of your videos I don't like other people being mean u do this because you like to dance and have fun I will be watching for new dances keep it up Jdaddy74

I thought about getting a photo of him, to hang on the wall at the end of my bed, so I would see his, bare-chested, blue-jeaned, body, FIRST THING UPON WAKING UP EACH DAY. Just the sight of him MAKES ME SMILE. Because he is the photo on my computer lock screen now, I hate to put in my password on my PC, to go past his photo, when I turn my computer on each day (as HE TURNS ME ON, each day, now, too! LOL!). He has SO MANY ATTRIBUTES that I WANT in a man. Somebody, looking, and acting, like him, would MAKE ME SO HAPPY, and BE SO FUN FOR ME! 

>sigh!< His photo, that is the one ON MY PC SCREEN now, is below. Um, um, um, um, UM!!! HE IS SOOOOO HOT to me! HE MAKES ME SMILE! Almost nothing does anymore-- but HE ALWAYS DOES! I have fantasies about WHAT I WOULD DO to a BODY like THAT on a MAN, and I won't even GO INTO THE DETAILS of THAT here, lest I be accused of 'WRITING PORN' in my blog now! He has a boyish charm, but HE IS ALL MAN. I am SITTING HERE SMILING now because I just added his photo here in this post for you to see and now I can't stop staring at it . . . . I can't even write any more on this blog, right now, because I can't think clearly after being so . . . DISTRACTED . . . by this man's hot body. Since I came across him online, I've saved so many of his dance videos on Facebook. So many that, the site sent me a notice that, I had 'recently saved over 200 videos', when I barely had ANY videos, saved, before. He posts ALOT of them, and his dancing looks much the same in all of them, but that it JUST FINE WITH ME. He certainly WEARS THE CHARGE DOWN on my vibrator, as my new, 'Go To' FANTASY MAN. Oh, man! I have to log off now, for the night. I can't keep a clear thought in my head after seeing his photo, to be able to write anymore, right now. >sigh!< I put links to some of his videos below. 

He is the closest thing to HAPPINESS, for me, IN MY LIFE, now, so I'm grateful, to him and for him. There's an EPIDEMIC of FRUSTRATED and UNFULFILLED WOMEN like ME in this country. HE CHEERS US UP when NO ONE and NOTHING ELSE does, and he leaves us SMILING, at least. We NEED more men like HIM in THIS WORLD!

Hi, I'm John Noble. Jdaddy74 on social media sites.

OH, BABY!

YES, PLEASE!

Here are some videos of him . . . .

https://www.facebook.com/reel/972747617116733

https://www.facebook.com/reel/6862014977226837

https://www.facebook.com/reel/385461357159285

https://www.facebook.com/reel/841488077753953

Here's a short video clip from the 'Magic Mike' movie series, also, that is similar to how 'Jdaddy74' dances. I have these movies on DVD. I don't even know or care, if they actually have a plot line, to them. LOL! I just want to watch, all, of the dance scenes. Channing Tatum, has that very attractive ability to be so sincere and sexy at the same time. Not just one or the other. He's one of my fantasies, due to that.

Magic Mike Dance Clip - YouTube

I still have alot of other creative writing starts, and scribbles, on various pieces of paper, that I can share more of, at some point. I am going to hit "Publish" and get this November blog post online, though, because I am really exhausted right now. The cold weather, has caused me concern about the pipes, in my house, so for the last several nights, now (as well as facing another night of it, still, tonight), I have stayed up all night until well past dawn to monitor the situation and do what I can to prevent any issues from developing. I do not have money for contractors, to fix things that break. I'm so sleep deprived right now that I feel like a zombie. I don't know if this post even sounds coherent, because I was utterly exhausted as I was writing it. >sigh!< I ordered a full-size artificial Christmas tree to put up this year, because I haven't decorated at all since I moved here, aside from a yard sign, the year before last, that said 'Jesus is the reason for the season' or some such thing.

It is still in the box, and December is almost upon us, now, so I am wondering if I will even end up putting it up this year. I feel so burned out, by everything I have been through, and been put through, by people. Christmas is my favorite holiday! (I don't like the cold, though.) I just don't feel 'festive', right now. I feel like I am, still, just trying to SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD, that seems increasingly loveless and dark, to me. God is SO GOOD TO ME, and I DO have SO MUCH to be GRATEFUL to Him for! My GRATITUDE to God is what motivates me the most. (The sight of John Noble dancing, is what motivates me the second most! WHATEVER WORKS!) I am just feeling REALLY FRAGILE right now, so I'm trying to focus on taking care of me and hoping that things will 'fall into place' for me, in the new year, more than they have, for awhile now. I wish for you readers ALL the LIGHT and LOVE your life can hold! If YOU have someone special, in your life, please, realize, HOW MANY OF US DON'T, have that, and make sure to TELL them WHAT THEY MEAN TO YOU. I hope they tell YOU what YOU mean to them, too. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE THAT FOR ME.

P.S. I saw this on social media, after I published this post, and it really resonated with me. It's the one thing that I really need that I feel like I've never had in life.

Sometimes, Even Smart People Are Stupid

This is a cautionary tale, for others, as well, to stick to your boundaries. I didn't, when mine were tested, and this happened to me because of my not doing that.

Richard EveryWriter @realeverywriter

I'll be honest, today, . . .

i’m writing to save my own life . . .

to find the answers

i already know

but don’t believe. 

i don’t want to die

without facing my truths.

I've had to (try to) process 'a whole shitload' of, very strong, emotions, in the last year, that I never thought I would even have to contend with at all at this point in my life; including shock, shame, and despair. I also realized that letting my guard down, and trusting someone, again, meant my becoming, the butt of a joke, and, the target of all the gossip, for being stupid enough to think they cared about me. I admit defeat. They devastated me. I got played, and worse than that, I have NO ONE to BLAME but MYSELF. EVERY TIME I have EVER trusted ANYONE in my life, I have REGRETTED IT. I had learned my lesson, well, and my head was on straight, about not letting people get too close to me. I was indomitable this way. Immune. No one, had been allowed to get inside my head, or, worst of all, inside my tender heart, which I fiercely protected from being shattered anymore after all the times that it has been. There are so many reasons that I should have known better, and done better. All I know is that when my heart got hijacked by some overwhelming and overpowering feelings I was no longer in the driver's seat. I was as drunk on, and reeling from, what I was feeling, as I have ever been by anything, or anyone. Ever. As hard, as it is to do, now, however, in the aftermath, of that fiasco, I have actually welcomed my being forced (admittedly against my will) to walk through a valley of humiliation, from this situation; as surprising as that might sound. Doing so drives the point home to me, in an excruciatingly, unforgettable, way, that this was something that can never be, and will never be. It was quite obviously (now) just some dream, or fantasy, that had started to seem far too real, for me, which could only and would only look like a living nightmare in the harsh realities of the clear light of day, with my eyes fully open, and focused, on the facts, as they are.

I'm much more of a realist about life's adversities and sorrows. If it took my being burned this badly to cause me to want to steer clear of this consuming flame then so be it! I had already tried everything, I knew to do, to stop it from happening in the first place, and when the other person did not help me, with that, but doubled down on the very behaviors which were causing me to feel like I did, I fell in love, because of the signal that sent to me. I felt so angry, and violated, because I was trapped in strong and sticky emotions then that I knew I shouldn't be having, and I couldn't get free of them. I tried everything I could think of to get over it; to get past it. It even drove me to drink, despite, my being, extremely, health conscious.

I'd gone the last 25 years only having a couple of beers, in all that time. I started drinking wine by the bottle. I didn't even bother with a glass. Just 'bottoms up' to my lips, drinking it down, as fast, as I could, after eating a few saltine crackers in an effort to keep from throwing up. I was trying to numb the pain. I was trying to dull my pure panic, that this had happened to me. You know, that feeling you get, when, one moment, you were, perfectly healthy, and strong, and the next minute, you become aware that, you are coming down with something, like the flu, that is making you debilitated, and dizzy, and disoriented, and NOTHING you can do, will stop it? That, is what this felt like, to me. It was just as unwelcome. It was just as unwanted. Feeling, those things, for this person, wasn't going to do me any good, and I hated having it in me, to have to deal with, 24/7, once it hit me and bowled me over. I was trying my best to honor the realities involved, while sliding down a slippery slope, of attraction and desire. Of course it had to end in a crash landing. There was never any other possible outcome for the obviously-one-sided feelings.

I've had some success with drinking wine, to give me the giggles and temporarily take away the sadness and stress that I feel when life is fully frustrating me, with its tendency to be both complicated and contrary. That is, before, I have to begin nursing the inevitable effects of a hangover, and assessing, fallout from, anything that I recall doing which may be under the heading of 'regrettable deeds'. I'm not endorsing any form of escapism as being the way to live life on a daily basis. But, for me, there is a certain level of 'bullcrap overload' that leads to a much-needed, drunken binge, to help me destress, from that, and to regain my lost perspective.

When I began writing this post (over the course of several weeks time, as I could find words to articulate it), I was struggling to recover, from both humiliation and  a hangover-- neither of which are painless or easy to get rid of. It was comforting to Google 'How do I recover from humiliation?' and see many websites appear, to offer advice, and observations, which have helped me, to get back on the road to recovery, right away. It was difficult, and daunting, at first, to be sure, but I have come to terms with it all, much more quickly, now, than I did at times in the past. Sadly, part of that is simply because I have had so much practice at my having to find some way to survive after people have broken my heart, during the course of my life. I am exposing my tender underbelly, so to speak, by talking about it now rather than, covering up, the fact that I messed up, and my messing up messed me up. I got there, with help, from others, messing up, as well, but, at the end of the day, I can only give my own testimony, and answer for my own sins. Whether  I like it or not, I am called to live my life by scriptures such as James 5:16, which says that we are to confess our sins to one another. But people are quick to judge others. We human beings almost always ascribe more weight toward, and disdain for, others' sins, compared to our own. People also have their loyalties and biases which affect how they react both for and against other people. A father who takes a dim view of a man whose behavior negatively impacted his daughter's life, may be the very same man who, scorns, and scolds, a woman for her holding his close friend accountable, for damage done, to her life, by playing games with her heart. Human beings are such emotional creatures that, thoughts, and actions, whether, on our own behalf, or a loved one's of ours, often have very little to do with either objective or impartial decisions on matters involving these relationships. It makes it more of, a loyalty test, than a truly, righteous, judgement, because of that bias.

                                                

                                          . . . or their loved ones.

When I've gotten stuck in social quicksand and started sinking to the point where it began to feel like it could be the death of me, it's been because, I have allowed someone to convince, or entice, me to stray from my own values. You would think that hard-won lessons about living would be grasped firmly and held onto for dear life. After all, we often carry the emotional scars of our lifelong learning to remind us that, what hasn't killed us has made us stronger, and, hopefully, wiser. Hurt, is not something that we are keen to, ever, experience, again, if we can avoid doing so. Heartache can feel more searing than touching a hot stove burner, at least, to me, and there is no soothing balm to take the sting out of it. Probably, 99.99% of people go to great lengths to hide their humiliation, and I would normally do that, as well, but I have become increasingly aware that this situation has been shared, through gossip that, apparently, came from someone, other than myself, who was directly involved, so it's already out there, casting me as both, the villain, and the fool. Gee. How fun, is that, for me? I don't even want to try to fathom the reason, that they would do that, to me. Especially, since, they have to know that they had a hand in this happening, in the first place, to be sure; and that, I was very angry with them, about the things, they did, to stir these feelings up, even more, in me, after I emailed them, and asked them, in writing, not to do that to me, because I realized that it was affecting me and I wanted to avoid this very thing taking hold of my heart. I had asked them for their help in preventing this from happening to me and they did the opposite of what I asked them. It became so obvious, due to that, and other ways, they treated me, that they do not respect me. That fact is a

blessing in disguise, actually, because, I have always been someone who needs to be respected, more than loved. In this case, I was neither, but, for me, disrespect is a relational deal breaker, helping me to sever the personal tie, that had evolved in my relationship with this person. I am grateful for anything that has helped me to destroy the emotions that had developed in me toward them. I did not want it!

I am not saying this out of bitterness but am simply stating the facts. I would not want this person even if that were possible, which it isn't and never will be. I saw plenty of Red Flags-- too many really-- that let me know that this person was not right for me. The main reason, being that, disrespecting, me, has, always, been a deal breaker, for me, and they, definitely, did not, respect me--  showing me that, through both, their words, and their actions, time and time and time again. When we were friends, it was the happiest phase of this relationship, to me, but there is no going back now, to that simpler situation. When we first met, he was rude and often unresponsive. I even felt sure that he was stupid, for awhile. So I had never expected that we could ever even become friends. As I look back on everything, I wonder now if we ever really were friends, or if he was just playing me, to control me, and to get on my good side, including so that I would stop complaining about how he was before. It worked. That friendship, as I saw it, was a source of alot of laughter for me, even though as amusing as he was he was also very annoying at times. I am equally annoying in my way, and very frustrating to deal with as well, though, in between my, also, being funny, and, enigmatically, charming, at times. So, in between all the banter and laughter we were mutually irritating quite often.

The day came that is was especially obvious and hurtful that he didn't respect me.

There was alot, that he did, that day, to directly interject himself into my personal life, when he knew, before, he did all that, that I had been drinking. It seemed to be, amusing, to him, but I was in that condition because I already felt humiliated, and completely stressed out, by him. When he exposed my vulnerability that way, that day, he brought someone else along, with him, that I didn't even know at all.
That, was one of the incidents, that so devastated me that I called the Crisis Line. The person that he brought with him, that didn't even know me, later called me a drunk, to my face, when I had only had 2 bottles of wine on 2 different occasions, and a few canned drinks at a neighbor's house one day, after going for 25 YEARS, without drinking more than a couple of beers, total. His treatment of me gave this person permission to-- also (like, him)-- disrespect me. It was, extremely, painful.
Around this time was when I realized, my biggest humiliation, came from the fact that I had actually thought he was my friend, and really cared about me, and was a decent guy. There was alot of other things, that showed me very clearly that he did not respect me, at all, but I am not going to go into them here. God, knows it.

You may be wondering why I would have ever considered this person to be a true friend, to me. I wonder that myself, now that our relationship with one another is over, and everything's been said and done, that has left it like this. But, it wasn't, always, this way-- at least, not, on the surface, when taken at face value. We had originally been antagonistic toward one another. For whatever his reason, he, was the one, of the two of us, that made a real effort to improve interactions between us. Especially because, he began to seem caring and supportive, and he made me laugh so often, and so easily, we came to be friends with one another. Or so I had thought. As time went on, the, veneer, on that, seemed to be, thinner, than, I had first believed. His 'caring', seemed to be more of a charm which was, intended, to control me. Instead of his seeming stupid anymore he just seemed 'slick'*, to me.

I noticed that he would always shut me down whenever I tried to express genuine distress about the situation with my being a target of the clique where I live and I kept wondering, why he didn't see, or acknowledge, that one of his closest friends was the main instigator of bullying me, since, he continued, to defend them; even at my expense. He told me that I should be friends with one of the women, that is associated with the clique, but never asked me, one single time, about my side of the situation, and what, these people, have put me through. He doesn't know any of that, to this day, therefore-- except for, my, finally, providing the proof, that his best buddy in the group was actually calling people over to her and literally telling them, NOT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME. This woman is in her late 70s, and presents herself as a devout Christian to him. His friendship, with her, remains, unchanged, despite how she has treated me. So, his loyalties continued to lie with others, and was, never, really, there, for me, even during (what I had originally believed, was) our friendship. Someone, truly, caring about me, would not have felt comfortable, remaining, close, to such a perpetrator, that has caused so many problems, in my life, here, because of her meanness, and gossip. He's never even been curious, or concerned, enough, to ask me about any of the incidents with the clique members that caused an alienation to occur between us when I was friendly to them before.

Instead of telling me to be nice to them, when he has never asked me for my side of the story, he should have at least listened to how I have been treated by them, instead of shutting me down, before I can tell him any of it; and then, if he wants to play 'peacemaker', so much, he could have addressed their behavior, which has been the source of the breakdown in these relationships. There isn't one thing the people in this clique can truthfully claim that I did to them, but, they wronged me. I am not one to, continue in relationships with people who have treated me badly.

Why, should I do that, and open myself up to more of the same? TREAT ME WELL.

 

No one has ever made me laugh as easily, or as much, as him, though, which felt great frankly. I'm a sucker for a good laugh, so that gained him some real ground with me. Laughter opens up the heart, and that was his gateway into mine. From his influence, in my life, I learned to appreciate, and then, really, truly, like a new genre of music, that I had barely paid any attention to, before. It is, honestly, my favorite music to listen to now! I would have never believed that could happen, to me. I would have lost a money bet, on that not ever happening with me, for sure.
I will always care about him, as someone who became, very significant, in my life, for both good and bad reasons, whether or not, I ever should have; and I have no desire to hurt him, in any way. EVER. I wish him all the best. The bottom line is, I have only myself to blame. I started the superficial flirting, because it was fun, for me. Then, I couldn't get him to help me stop it, when it, suddenly, started to feel, too real, to me, and scared me. I got hurt and humiliated and that really is all my fault. This, is a cautionary tale, to anyone, reading this. DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE. I should have known better-- absolutely!-- and, I paid the price. I am so sorry, that any of it happened, and the saddest thing of all is it can't be undone. So, I extend grace, to him, because I am so in need of that, myself. I don't feel hatred or hard feelings. I just feel like I WAS REALLY STUPID, for a woman that is normally fairly intelligent. It hurt ALOT, that he disrespected me. But, the awful truth is, I taught him to. I cannot blame him for this; but it did take mistakes on both our parts for it to end up this way. We don't interact at all, anymore, and both think that's best.

Nothing significant ever happened between us thank God. I need to say that here.
I should also say that he did, finally, 'pull the plug' on it, but not way back when I asked him to, to prevent this, from happening, to me, in the first place. I do, fault him, for that. If he had done that, helped me with that, when I saw trouble ahead and asked him to help me to keep that from happening, instead of doing, more of, the very behaviors that, I was telling him, I was most susceptible to, this could all have been avoided, then, rather than, avoiding, one another, now, because, it did, happen. That's why I got so angry at him, about it. I asked him, not to encourage it, in me, but, he did, for whatever reason; and, he knows that. Maybe, it was just an ego trip, to see a woman's eyes shine that way when she looked at him, but he was not in a position, to be entitled, to that, from me, and I did not want to be, in a position, to provide that, extra boost, for him, and end up with nothing, to show for it, but being teased and heartbroken. This became a dark night of the soul, for me, so it is being addressed in this post, but I am not planning to expound on any of this or describe more, about it, in any future blog posts, that I might write. This post, provides a sufficient overview. All things considered, and that, covers alot of ground, with us, I know that, he has had a huge impact, on me, personally, and is one of those people that I will never forget. Even if I really wish that I could, now.

                                                                       
I did lose alot of respect for him, though, because of how he treated me, and how he handled this situation with me. He brought several other people into it to make himself look like he is just a totally innocent victim of it, when he absolutely needs to share the responsibility and the blame; and I'm the object of gossip because he did that. I have also had to endure these people putting me down, including to my face, while, he sat there, and tried to get me to say that he did not do anything to cause any of this-- which I refused to do for him, because that would be a lie, and he knows it; even if he won't admit it. I wasn't saying anything about it to anyone until, I finally told one person (my best friend), because, I had, no one, to turn to.

My friend, gave me his word, that he will not share, what I told him, with anyone.

@ML_Philosophy
Nobody notices your pain, but everyone notices your mistakes.

The whole community seems to know about it though, and that is, directly due to, how the man involved chose to handle it; in an, obviously, very disrespectful way, toward me. He, and his friends, have been the ones, that have spread this gossip. That is really disappointing to me, to put it mildly, because I had given him alot of credit, for being a, genuinely, nice guy, and he is also a Christian. When I realized how much damage they have done to my reputation, behind the scenes, as if that means, nothing, at all, to them, for the quality of my life, here, in this community,

by their, causing people, to view me differently, and decide, not to befriend me, in some cases, because of it, I felt really sad. I just can't imagine why they would do that. It's become crystal clear, that they have, however, and it is affecting my life.

Now, I can see why, he remains so close to the clique member that's gossiped the most, about me. It's because he has also been doing that. Even so, I stand on the fact that, God, brought me here. This is, His Will, and Plan, and His Word, always, stands true, including Romans 8:28, my favorite verse and the mantra for my life:

 

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose." [Amplified Bible]

I am just focused on going on with my life, and keeping my distance, at this point.
The humiliation has been very humbling for me, and I think that I have needed to learn a real lesson from all this. I also think, it wouldn't be wise to try to stand on that slippery slope, again, and believe, I can stay, firmly, on my feet, when, I slid, almost all the way down it, before. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. I didn't expect that at all when it happened, but now, I know, that it can; because it did. No one, was more shocked (and upset, about it!) than me, but it also, truly, terrified, me. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Just like, the car that gets hit by a train, on the tracks, and is totaled, I was blindsided. I cannot handle something like that! I do not know how to deal with it. It is crazymaking**, for me, because of that. I was miserable, and that made me so pissed off. It's no wonder it drove me to drink, when nothing, or no one, had, for 25 YEARS, prior to that! I was self-destructing, and I couldn't get a grip on my emotions, at all. It was horrible. I HATED IT. I am also left terrified it could happen to me again, now that I am back to being 'myself'. I hadn't thought that I would, ever, have to deal with something like that, at this point in my life. I was therefore not happy when I had to, because I didn't have a choice. It was too much for me. I am so much happier, being free, and independent. Not, controlled, by overpowering feelings. It also hurt like hell, to have someone mean so much to me and see, clearly, that I did not mean much to them. It had to be that way, too. There is more I have to say about it, in the following message to my blog readers.

A MESSAGE FROM ME TO MY READERS:

I now have readers in 60 countries around the world, and I am both amazed and humbled by that. Thank you, for sharing, my journey, through my true life story,  in this blog. It is my hope and prayer that your seeing me so openly describe my struggles and sins will assure you that you are not alone in your own challenges. The human experience is something that, we each get out of bed every day, and grapple with; with varied results for that effort. Some do better than others, and my struggle is real. I have not had the easiest time, with it, but I remain so very grateful to God that it's not been any worse. Every mercy and grace that He and others have shown to me have been the only reason that I have made it this far. 

The header of my blog, reprinted below, has been my promise to God, to myself and to my readers, that I would tell the truth in my posts to the very best of my ability, and I have done that. However, in recent months, I've been experiencing  a, very stressful, dilemma regarding, how, to write about, my, life, fully, when it involves people who are in my life right now in some way or other. Most of them know that I write a blog about my life and therefore they can potentially be in it, making them a part of my story which is being shared here with the world. I am not trying to 'gossip'. I am doing my best, to describe the effect of these people, and their sins, and shortcomings, on me, and my life, as well as, give an honest account of my own failings, and faults. I have written what there is to say about my past except that there's things I could expound on about my youngest sister. That just leaves me with what I have to say about the present. The difficulty I'm encountering, with that challenge, is that I am going into stress overload, trying  to process my thoughts and emotions in real time, without the opportunity to sit with the situation as it is for awhile, to see where the dust settles, before I make  a written pronouncement here as to how I'm feeling about whatever is going on,  in my life, at the moment. I can, capture that, fairly well, in a tweet, or post, on social media sites but to write a blog post in the in-depth way that characterizes my writing here, and seems to sum things up, with some conclusion, as I discuss or describe the subject matter, requires an achieved introspection from me that I can't always mentally muster when it is needed from me, so soon, to write these.

"I cannot make these stories from my life nice and neat or, rather, whitewashed and sweet, in order to make them more palatable, or easier to cope with, for anyone reading them. Whenever the truth gets watered-down, it stops being the truth! I have lived through all these things. It is my story. It is what it is. Our lives are greatly affected by the pervasive consequences of Original Sin, the sins of others, and our own sin, and we must acknowledge that."

As of this post, I have written 68 posts in the nearly 4 years that I have blogged. Most of them are lengthy, detailed, accounts, of whatever aspect of my life I was covering in each one, as I felt that I could deal with the particular subject matter.

Wise_Chimp @wise_chimp

Writing things down is the best way to clear your mind. Success demands clarity.

As a result of my trying my best to be completely honest about the actual events as they were, while also trying to 'be the bigger person', and heavily redact main incidents, or leave them out altogether, which could both clarify and substantiate  what I am talking about here, I now feel burdened, by my needing to write these posts, because I'm not including the meat of the matter on these current events. Especially when due to my decision to handle it this way, I am having to struggle mightily with that effort on a continual basis. This is proving to be so difficult and  draining for me that it is taxing my health in some really concerning ways, at this point. I am now frequently not feeling well, I am not sleeping well, and I seem to be stuck in a state of heightened anxiety, almost all of the time. Clearly, I cannot continue to do this to myself. This blog was begun in order for me to process the events of my life that had transpired, so that I could achieve some level of peace and healing in regard to them and their effect on me. Now the very act of writing these posts is perhaps the most toxic thing I am doing, to myself. It simply must stop. At least, for now, and for the foreseeable future. The joy of my tackling the challenge of writing-- especially, about such intimate subject matter, as the good, the bad, and the ugly, which is all a part of my life-- is completely missing for me now, in this endeavor. It has come very close to feeling like an exercise in futility.

Even though I'm only describing the people involved by general descriptions here, there is so much that I feel like I can't share, here and now, about them, that it is very hard for me to still feel that I can write coherent posts, anymore, with things as they are. I am straining, to do all that I feel like I can, to protect the person, at the heart of this post, even though, they really messed me up, emotionally, to the point that I had to call the Veterans Crisis Line, twice, and I also had to talk to my doctor on a few occasions, about the harmful effect of this, on my blood pressure, when it became elevated from this situation to a concerning degree and I couldn't get it to come back down. I have had to fight my way back, to feeling like, I am in my right and reasonable mind, again, after all of this got a grip on me and caused me to be, totally, turned away, from, my true north***. How, do I, fully, articulate something, about a person or circumstance here, when I'm leaving out all I can in these blog posts in order to avoid it being gossip? They have gossiped to, several, people, about me, regarding this very situation, which has caused others to show, open, disrespect, to me, or, at the very least, to see me in a bad light, since, they do not have, and would not, even care about, having, all, the facts, now that they have been, adversely, affected, by hearing, only one side, of the situation. I know firsthand that this person leaves out some really significant things about their part in all this, because they subjected me to a 'conversation' (verbal attack, on me) in which they tried at one point to get me to say they had no blame, and I sat silent, rather than lie about that for them; and by their own choosing they brought a few other people into that deeply distressing dialogue. They have to know God knows. When, our ultimate Judge, knows all of it, I am not willing to contradict that truth.

The only person that I did, finally, confide in about it is my best friend here, who has assured me that, he is trustworthy, with not sharing the things I've told him. The following Facebook Messenger post I sent to him recently, while I have been working on this blog post, speaks of my life improving so much, by this situation ending, and me going on with my life. I am much happier now this way, but I do realize that I also need to stop writing my blog posts, too, on a regular, required basis, as I have been doing, which is why I am writing this message to all of my readers. I have prayed about it, for some months now, and I don't feel like I am  to stop writing my blog altogether. I do-- desperately-- need to reclaim my time, and start doing alot more for my holistic health such as more exercise than I am getting by sitting here, writing, for hours and days and weeks, on end, for years. There is also a realization in me that, now that I have covered all of my past life, in large measure, by the posts that I have written over these past few years, the challenge now is for me to, actively, live my present-day life, more so than write about it. There is only so much sand, in the hour glass, of my numbered days on this earth, and I have been setting aside, fully living, my life, for years now, as I took all this time to sit here, at my computer, and write about it. My writing blog posts has not been a waste of time, because, through that, I received, alot more clarity about things, that I wrote about, which brought about more healing to my injured soul. In other ways, it has shown me, how many open wounds, there still are in my psyche, that I am not yet healed of. Two steps forward, one step back,  it feels like as I try to be my best possible self while simultaneously being such a damaged soul. As I often say summarily, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I am what I am. This relationship-- this friendship that got trampled to death by all the other feelings I found myself dealing with, in dismay-- which, this post, is about, was a source of much laughter and, frankly intermittent, support and I miss having those aspects in my life, because they made my world a happier and warmer place. It, also, left me feeling, angry, indignant, gossiped about, stressed, played, treated extremely disrespectfully, at times, and like I am actually better off without it, on the whole.

The Facebook Messenger post, to my best friend, about this relationship situation:

The helplessness of being in its grasp emotionally and the vulnerability of it being able to wreck you is truly terrifying though and I am SO GLAD to BE BACK to my SANE SELF after my bout of TEMPORARY INSANITY! LOL! I am SO MUCH HAPPIER when I am NOT in such clutches and can have RATIONAL THOUGHTS again. I've been SINGLE and CELIBATE for SEVERAL DECADES now for GOOD REASON-- I LIKE BEING SINGLE (I just don't like being CELIBATE-- but my vibrators are a WONDERFUL 'fix' for that problem!). Um Hmmm.

I am celibate, but I address my health holistically, and sexual function, is a part of that. In fact, because, I have been living celibate, for so long, I developed vaginal atrophy according to my doctor, and was told that I needed to insert something in my vagina for stimulating blood flow, to try to stop the progression of this-- which can become increasingly problematic if it is not dealt with. That is why I started to rely on vibrators, because, an actual partner, has not been an option, for me, and my health-- body, soul, and spirit-- is very important to me. I have found that it's also a great stress release, which is an added bonus! Because vibrators are a very necessary part of my life now due to the vaginal atrophy, and a routine part of my healthcare-- doctor's orders-- my best friend, who happens to be, a male, is used to me saying that word. He's heard me use it regularly (the word not the vibrator, LOL!)-- probably 50 times so far. The ONCE I said it to this other guy, when I was drunk, he hung up on me. I sit here, shaking my head, at that, because, he is the same guy that stood outside my bathroom window, one day,... and is a hypocrite. I saw that and God saw that, so his acting holier-than-thou doesn't cut it with me. I also, didn't, act all self-righteous, or gossip about him, or make trouble, about it. I am a Christian saved by grace, but I do not feign a personal holiness that I don't have, and would never do so with someone that has seen different behavior, from me, and knows who I am, aside from that facade. I told him one day it was CRAP.

Although I have always published my blog posts on a regular schedule, to make it easier for my readers to know when the next one was available to them, and also, have let you know if something came up which was delaying a post, giving a time that I thought it would be published, online, after that delay, I am not going to be able to do that anymore, going forward, at least, for awhile. I really, really, really, need, to-- totally-- change, my daily habits, and routine, to address all my health concerns, and hopefully connect with more of a sense of being well grounded and at peace, again. >sigh< I believe, it's become a matter of survival, for me, at this point, and possibly, even, a life-or-death decision, because of the terrible toll, this stress has taken, on me, especially, in recent months. I hope, you will forgive me, and indulge me, as I do this for myself, now. Whenever I do post something new, on my blog, I will post a notice about that on social media: Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I have an Instagram account, but don't really enjoy using that platform, at this juncture. I also need to spend alot less time on social media going forward. I have health programs that I have never viewed or engaged with, for learning Tai Chi, for developing my yoga poses, for doing more dance-ercise routines and even

some movies, which I purchased, years ago, but have never even seen (including, Fifty Shades Of Grey-- inspiration for fantasies, that are the necessary fuel for the vibrators to work!). I need to exercise more, including walk more. Sitting, so long,

as I do here while I am writing these lengthy blog posts, has caused me to have a pain in my hip, that I cannot allow, because it can progress, into causing me to be lame. I have a long list of projects that I need to do, on my home, and I also want to do more cooking, and baking, and sharing those things, with others, as I can. A vacation, would do me a world of good, as well. I haven't had one for many years.

@xirtempest Sometimes, the truth is so incredibly difficult to accept, it feels like it betrays you. It cuts so deeply into your perception of reality, your ego dies for a moment. Then you come back and realize your closest and dearest friend disguised as the enemy, actually saved your life.

I have tears in my eyes saying this but the inevitable rejection by my friend that I so deeply cared about left me feeling so damaged in my self-esteem, even though I know that, there was no other possible outcome, regardless, of the value I do or do not have as a human being, so in that sense I really should not take it as hard as I have, personally. Nevertheless, I need to do what I can to repair the damage to myself, which has manifested in several different forms as I have acted out my anger and pain that this even happened to me at all, when I didn't expect it and I wasn't wanting it. I can only work on me, and at this point, I feel that, I have alot of work to do, on me. In fact, that, alone, should, keep me quite busy, for awhile! So, thank you again, readers, for your presence in my life. For being companions, to me, as I walk the path that is unique to who and what and where I am in life. I promise I will keep you posted if I publish anything new on this blog of mine, and you are always welcome to check back, to see for yourself, as well. You may even get something out of reading past posts. There are now 68 posts, to choose from.

Christine @cmd8495 
It's not that you're afraid of love. It's the fear that everyone else is just like the last person who destroyed you.

- Deb Robinson

 

                                                           

* slick: a person who is smooth and persuasive but untrustworthy. 

** crazymaking: (Urban Dictionary definition) obsessive thoughts or overwhelming desire for something or someone, that causes a conflict struggle between meeting moral versus primitive needs/urges.

*** true north: "We’re talking about your own true north. That inner sense of what you want to accomplish in life. That calling keeps you on the right track, to being your authentic self." https://www.betterup.com/blog/find-your-true-north