'Mr. Right': The Heartache And The Hope

I've never met my 'Mr. Right', since, it has never, really, worked out, with anyone. 

At this point, I seriously wonder if God even made a man that is meant to love me.

Almost all of the ones who have wanted me have been men I am not interested in.

The, extremely limited, times that I have felt love, or lust, for a man, it ultimately just could not become anything viable, given the particular circumstances as they were. Life has been really cruel like that, for me. The heartache crushes my hope.

There's only been a couple of men who have gotten my heart to fully open up, to them, and I regretted that, because, once they got inside of it, they started to be disdainful toward me, after being attentive, and caring, up until then; breaking it. Why, do I seem to only meet men who mentally, emotionally, or physically, abuse me? Is that all there is, in the male population, or am I somehow being a magnet for these men? It is almost impossible for me to trust any man now. The last one that I loved I fell for without even meaning to, because he was fun and funny and attentive and caring once I got to know him, but now I view him as being another abuser and it's really taken a toll on me. As I struggle to get myself free of all the emotional turmoil that this sad situation has brought into my life I have called the Veterans Crisis Line so many times about it, as I try to cope with the aftermath of it, that I have become a regular caller. I am so glad they are there for me, but I'd so much rather not be in crisis over a clown who seems clueless about the effect, this has had, on me. I'm devastated for so many reasons, because this happened to my heart. This is not something that I expected or wanted to have to deal with at this point in my life. There is nothing worse than getting, publicly, browbeaten, several times, now, over feeling something that, I did not want, or expect to feel, in the first place. I feel so fragile right now and not at all up to dealing with more blows about it, which I shouldn't have to be subjected to, because I am not doing anything, at all, to deserve to be called out and chastised for it. I just use all that to fuel the anger, that smolders in my soul, which has been eroding the emotions, I had toward this man, so that it will kill it off in me, once and for all! I want that. The more, I am angry, about it, the more it destroys my positive feelings, toward this person. Seeing the treatment of me as emotional and mental abuse helps me. It would be much more difficult to get over them if they weren't being such a jerk.

Mutual love just never seems to align, for me. Because of my experiences dealing with men, I have been-- and I still am!-- extremely happy being single. Men have been a huge disappointment in my life. A woman's heart wants her man to be her hero, but the reality is that men can really be far from that, in everyday life. We-- or at least me-- give up wishing they were all that we long for them to be, and at least get off their ass which is parked in front of their video game or sports show, and take the trash out; or put the toilet seat down, or stop snoring!  I've also had enough men in bed with me to know, due to this 'representative sampling', of the male population, that the majority are only average as lovers, some are seriously lacking in skill, and very few are the stuff romance novels and the Fifty Shades of Grey movies allude to, as leaving us breathless, and, totally, tamed into a blissful submission by their seductive skillset. While, I much prefer staying single, due to my experiences as a married woman being so very disappointing and distressing, I'd like to have a lover in my life now even though a vibrator admittedly beats out every man that I have ever had sex with, except for one. My second husband Jim. I remember, thinking that, if I died and went to Heaven, it could not possibly feel any better than my being, under the spell of, his tantalizing talent at lovemaking!

That man became the standard that I set, for having sex, in my off-and-on-again search for a man who could get me to that same point, of pure pleasure. My first husband (who was also named Jim), was not at all good in bed. Since he was my very first experience of sex, I was bewildered, that THIS was the glorified human experience that people constantly clamored for. I avoided having sex with him all that I could, because it was so unsatisfying. THAT is an understatement. It didn't help that he was very unimpressive, both in and out of bed. There was NOTHING that attracted me to him. It was not until I was with my second husband Jim that  I finally knew what all the fuss was about, regarding sex, love, and what it is that a man and a woman can do for one another. I remain grateful to him, to this day, for giving me my sex education. He turned me on in a way I can still access after all these years. I smolder and sizzle from the sheer sensuality of it, although it is my vibrators that take me over the finish line now because as I said at the outset  I have never been blessed to find 'Mr. Right'; or him, find me. It's the ONE thing I still want to have in my life that's been missing from my fulfillment factor. It's not looking at all likely at this point, though, which bums me out bigtime. In this post I'm sharing something I wrote to my first husband and something that I wrote to my 'Mr. Right', whom I've clearly never encountered. I have such a deep capacity for passion, with the right person, that I feel it is a true tragedy I have no human outlet to express it. God bless, the merciful person who invented vibrators! If not for them, I would have lost my mind from all the pent-up passion I have no other outlet for. While it has its limitations, doing that, always, puts a smile on my face!

The Bible Belt*, which both my first husband, Jim, and I were raised in seems set on strangling many, normal, human desires out of a person in its quest to impose a strict (and often very hypocritical) piety on the adherents. This tightly buttoned up** behavior was reflected in Jim's approach to me, which I really resented. We never had sex any other way than in the 'Missionary Position'***. Even the name of it is so puritanical! There was no spontaneity, no adventure, no exploration, no fun, having sex with him. I didn't know that he was bad in bed, because I had no one else to compare it to, but when I met, my second, Jim he not only turned me on but he set me free to fully embrace my female sexuality without judgement or inhibition. The bed was our playground, and we spent most of our hours together there, reveling in the joy of our mutual and well-matched passion. To this day, he is unforgettable, for me, over 40 years later, because of his skill, in lovemaking. I did not know what was wrong, in my relationship with my first husband, Jim, that caused me to avoid sex with him, for the majority of our marriage. I only knew, it didn't feel good, and I didn't enjoy doing it with him, so I tried to get out of it. His mentality didn't only affect us in bed though. His rigid mindset stifled me at every turn. It felt like my very soul was kept under House Arrest, as he constantly tried to hold me back, and keep me down, so that I was unable to blossom into myself. It was such a relief, to me, when that marriage finally ended. I had gone from my parents' house into this marriage with him and had never been on my own before that. As I moved into my very first apartment, I felt lost, at first. I was totally out of touch with my own, unique, identity, because I'd never been allowed to have it, either by my parents or by Jim. It took me years to really find my own voice, and speak my mind, with the assurance that I had the absolute right to do so. I smile, as I think about that now, because once I finally found my voice, to speak up and speak out, anybody that knows me can tell you that, I NEVER STOP using it! Even this blog attests to that. I wrote this to my first husband, 45 or so years ago now:

Jim:

You've made me ashamed of my human need,

You've made me afraid to act upon my inner voids**** and urges.

You've imprisoned me & chained me to you alone with your jealousy-- which destroys everything beautiful in life, frightens or hastens it all away.

You've destroyed my dreams; made me feel wrong, hopeless, sinful to dream; put price tags on all my worldly aspirations or talked of why my dreams are impractical or impossible. It is no wonder I am dead & despondent inside; one cannot live without one's dreams.

My inner self seeks fulfillment of its needs, tries to act upon its needs to define itself, to come to know itself & find peace in realizing gratification of its needs. Yet in fear & jealousy, that I need more than you are & you offer, to fulfill my human voids, you try to brainwash me, dictate to me, your rules that apply to me (but not yourself) so that I am bound too tight with them to step from your rule, your domination of my life. You keep me from sunlight; I am withering. You try to water me alone, but I need the sunlight from outside too.

You don't inspire growth within me, or any maturing. [NOTE: He married me when I was only 18 years old. Just a teenager! He, was 27.] I am convinced you are the worst thing possible for me in my life. I don't need you.

Four years of my life were tied up in that loveless marriage. I do not want to EVER be MARRIED again-- legally chained to someone by a piece of paper, that a lawyer needs hundreds of dollars to undo, if it's bad. I AM monogamous though, and I do want to find, one, special man, to be with! I also don't want to live with anyone at this point in my life, though. I LIKE being SINGLE! I PREFER living ALONE! In alot of ways, I am just not a 'typical' female, including because I am very cerebral but also sexually hot-blooded. Besides all that, I am not religious, but I am extremely spiritual. There's always ALOT going on with me, both inside and out, but, despite all that, God has always been at the core of who I am and He's the reason for my existence. He decided that Deb (me) was a good thing to put on the earth, at this particular time in human history, and so here I am; still trying to connect with my purpose for being on the planet. >sigh!< At this point, I don't know if I EVER will, given the way life has been going for me, so far. Lately, I am just proud of myself for not giving up on life altogether. My brother killed himself (I wrote a blog post, about him, and about that, previously). I was told that my father attempted to do that too, at some point, when I was just a child. I have chosen to survive, alot, in my life, and it's all taken a huge toll, on me. Hence, my blog being titled, "Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections". What helps me to keep going is being grateful. Gratitude for God's goodness to me gets me through most of the tempest and the turmoil. When even that does not lift my spirits, music will almost always elevate my mood. My other, 'Go To', coping mechanism is using my vibrator. Puts me right to sleep, grinning like a possum, and giggling with glee like a schoolgirl, EVERY TIME. There is nothing like 'NO FAIL' ORGASMS. With men, it's never a sure thing. Having dark chocolate around to nibble on doesn't hurt either!

I really am not sure if God made a man meant for me. I have had more men want me than most women ever do, and several even married me. But I still don't think that I have EVER been 'LOVED WELL'. My second husband (the second Jim) was a great LOVER, but he did NOT love me the way that I have needed to be loved, out of bed. That has alot to do with why I divorced him even though he was GREAT in bed. When I was sorting through all my old, saved, mementos last Autumn, I saw a, lengthy, letter that I had written on some notebook paper. Apparently I poured my heart out in it to someone, somewhere, that I still have never met to this day. I wrote this letter sometime in 2008, so I was 52.  My beloved cockatiel,  CeeBee, was still in my life, at the time that I wrote this, but he died almost a dozen years ago, now. I'm transcribing the letter word for word exactly as I wrote it. Here it is:

Open Letter To My Man From God   

(who hasn't found me yet, or vice versa)

     The two most significant relationships in my life are with my God and with my bird. Because of their unconditional, never-failing love for me, they have my undying gratitude/loyalty. With people it's harder-- way harder-- both to be loved unconditionally & to love unconditionally. In fact, the high divorce rate & other social indicators show that really, with humans, that's either very, very rare or just totally impossible. Knowing that my God is the One I have asked to send 'the' man He designed for me gives me courage and peace & when I feel dubious there even IS anyone like you. I remind myself that God gives us the desires within our heart, & that my feelings about you are part of His GPS (Godly Positioning System) that will help me to 'recognize' you as you when you finally manifest physically in my life.

     I often tell CeeBee, my bird boy, that one of the very BEST reasons I KNOW HOW MUCH God Loves ME is that out of ALL the 'mommies' that have ever lived on this Earth, He let me be HIS 'mommy'! The other night, as I prayed asking God to bring 'you' into my life to be a family with God, CeeBee, and I, I thought to myself that I would know it is 'you' finally here in my life when I can say that I can tell God Loves me because out of ALL the women in the world God created 'you' to love ME. When some things feel 'right', you know-- just as you feel when something is not right. . . . I have told God often that as much as I am intimate, passionate, & 'in love' with Him, I am incapable of loving ANY man unless I REALLY can SEE that He (God) is living in him and looking at me through Jesus' (eyes of) love living in him. There is NO other way it can or will happen. I haven't dated now for several years-- I could have; I just didn't WANT to. I don't EVER want 'a' man just to have 'a' man. Actually, MUCH of my life NOW has been better NOT having one (compared to having a WRONG one, for me). There is ONLY ONE man that I EVER want. He is unique. He is special. He is a God-designed one-of-a-kind, complementary to (how God designed) me. Except for 'you' I will otherwise remain single, humanly speaking, as God is my Husband now already, as the Bible declares, & I just wouldn't make a place in my life or heart for anyone less than my true 'soulmate' because I've been-there-done-that, & it was NOT worth it. I am actually really happy being celibate and single. I have been both those things for years now, and the man God would design for me would find that to be important to us both. I am not about just having sex with someone else while waiting for the 'right' mate because you bring all that to the table . . . and the bedroom. 

     I'm VERY different from 'most' women in MANY SIGNIFICANT ways. . . . I am NOT 'business as usual' for the most part, although I AM a woman so I DO possess 'female' traits and attributes.

     When I was a little girl in NC I grew up going to school with the Lt. Governor's twin girls. By the time we were pre-teens, their father was elected Governor of the state, & we slid down the big banisters in the Governor's Mansion and played pranks on the security detail and house staff. As a young woman I turned down Nanny jobs with famous and rich employers based on weighing ALL factors of the situation. I don't get the clamoring to be around them nor am I ever deeply impressed with the high profile of their public lives or positions. They get headaches, diarrhea, gas, bad breath, and are imperfect just like ALL the REST of us. I was a Nanny for a Washington power player & his wife once. Photos of this man at oval tables at the U.S. president's side were in their home office. I flew with them from East to West coast just for them to go to a wedding they were invited to. When you're a live-in Nanny you REALLY KNOW people during their REAL life 'Down Time' and it is NOT glamorous even if it takes place within the walls of a mansion. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE! Truly!

     I am a regular-looking woman-- middle-aged now, at that. I 'fix up well' (a guy once told me!) to 'attractive' but I am NOT (physically) 'beautiful'! I would never WANT a Brad Pitt or some such guy that women are idiots over because he would ALWAYS-- committed or not, to me & our relationship-- have Angelina Jolies that ARE (physically) beautiful WORKING to wedge in between us, & I don't want to ALWAYS have to wonder . . . on a 'weak' day-- when we've had a disagreement or can't be together-- whether he will give in to her or initiate such a betrayal himself. There is too much at stake. Diseases can kill now. And I DON'T need another man in my life just to have MY heart broken and my life and home turned upside down again. . . . 

     So with ME-- as we're talking about MY man here-- it won't be held FOR you or AGAINST you if you have power, fame, or money. All that's an EQUAL playing field, to me, because of who I am, my life experiences; all that I have done & seen in my own life. I don't WANT a 'Pretty Boy' OR an UGLY boy. I want a regular-to-attractive-enough looking man, physically, who is healthy & fit & does NOT have EITHER bulging 'jock' muscles OR a 9-months-pregnant 'gut' hanging over his belt.

     It would not 'work' with a sports nut who has to park in front of a TV for every game. I want someone I can grow a backyard vegetable garden with, side-by-side in the soil, and go on a picnic with where the bread is fresh home-baked & the tomatoes & lettuce on the sandwiches we grew ourselves. Squire Rushnell and his wife wrote on couples praying together-- you must do that with me. My little bird boy MUST be a 'little one' you will interact with, protect, and enjoy-- telling me he's drowned because you left the toilet seat up, knowing he was out of the cage & has full flight, & you fell asleep on the sofa WON'T CUT IT and IS A DEAL BREAKER FOR SURE! 'Little ones' MUST be considered, cared for, & PROTECTED, and I DO NOT WANT a STUPID man! I've met far too MANY 'stupid' men, & I will NOT suffer another STUPID man in my life. Example: If you think it's FUNNY that other men risk death, & leaving their wives widowed & children fatherless, because some IDIOT hang glides into a narrow gorge and gets STUCK halfway down its rock wall-- JUST FOR KICKS AND GIGGLES-- which the financially-strapped local citizens have to PAY THOUSANDS FOR a massive rescue effort involving a dozen people for hours so this IDIOT can be safely rescued to then just walk away & laugh, planning his NEXT attempt-- MOVE ON!!! NOW!!! You are STUCK ON STUPID and are NOT ANY MAN I would E-V-E-R have in MY life, even if we were the LAST two people on OUR PLANET! There are TOO MANY STUPID GUYS! GEEZ! They DISGUST ME! Truly!

     Whether you live in the canyons of NYC (I love NYC!) or just a LITTLE farm where the crickets are the symphony after dark is IRRELEVANT to me. I can dress up or dress down, clean up or get dirty. If you want to go green & live simply along the lines of Henry David Thoreau at Walden's Pond or Ed Begley, Hollywood actor, I'm game to adapt. I DON'T like being in very TALL buildings. A few floors height is about all I'm comfortable with. I have slept on a floor covered by a piece of carpet to keep warm, [and] in luxurious mansions, and most levels in between. I have lived with the rich in their lifestyle to a shared extent. I have lived middle class and I have been poor enough to eat ketchup on a spoon because there WAS nothing else. I have had my own experience of 'fame', 'glamor', [having a] 'following', limos, when dancing on stage in nightclubs, for the entire spectrum of the male population. . . . I have lain face down on my livingroom floor, alone with my tears, pouring out myself before God because I am so HUNGRY to GO DEEPER with Him in our relationship and my heart ACHES to GET there!

     If you are so in love with Jesus that you would give me UP if you KNEW 'we' were NOT God's Will for one another, then YOUR priority matches MINE. If you are GENUINELY KIND, GROUNDED, appreciate SIMPLE things, no matter WHAT your lifestyle or economic level, and ARE NOT LIKE MOST MEN, and you KNOW it and are GLAD about it, you MIGHT be MY man from God.

     There's more I could write to you, but CeeBee needs me now to cook him some lunch, and LIVING THINGS (in our care) CAN'T WAIT! I've asked God to bring you NOW, and I've been turning away ALL others (even this week) because YOU are MY man from God and the ONLY one I want in my private, personal, life. And, I will KNOW you when you find me, through God's GPS, just as I 'recognized' CeeBee as mine when I FIRST MET HIM-- and we're 17 years, sharing goofy, passionate, intense LOVE now!

                                                             Yours in Christ our Lord,

                                                             me.

I wrote that 15 years ago, and I still have not ever met this man, so I don't know whether he exists or not, but the odds, of that, are not in my favor. Therefore, all things considered, I am going to focus on finding a man that's good company and makes me laugh, who makes me feel safe with him, and never abuses me, in any way, shape, or form. THAT is going to be hard enough, for me, to find. That is the only thing I don't have in my life that I feel like I need, to be as happy as possible in my remaining years on the planet. I still have so much passion in me, and such a capacity to laugh, and play, and have fun, that it would be a waste, not to share those things, about me, with someone special. The smile's been wiped off my face by being mistreated, and I don't laugh nearly enough anymore. I miss 'me', and I want to get back to feeling like my happy self, again. To get there, I need to have better relationships in my life, and not just with a man that will become my lover.  I have been shocked at how many people-- almost all, of whom, claim to be good Christians-- have treated me so very badly, rather than be compassionate, loving, or merciful toward me. I have no desire to be anything like them or to have them in my life. Alot of people on social media sites talk about this often, saying that it turns them off, to anything to do with God, seeing how, these 'religious' folk treat others. I am to the point that, I would be much more comfortable standing before God in my sinful state than being in the presence of the so-called 'Christians' with their piety. Their behavior, and treatment of me, has alot to do with my becoming how I am, now. I could care less, about their holier-than-thou judgements, of me. I think they really ought to be more concerned about God's Judgement of them. I have to stand before Him for my sins someday and they're accountable for theirs.

All I know, right now, is that, my 'Mr. Right' never showed up, in my life, and my heart is so broken, now, that anyone, I can find, who will just treat me well, and make me laugh, would be a great improvement, in my life. So, that is my goal. I know it would help squelch the rumors, too, that are rampant, because of people gossiping about me. Isn't it funny, that Christians don't seem to ever think about the fact that, THEIR, GOSSIP, is ALSO a SIN, in God's eyes? I am just focused on living my life and their opinions of me really don't matter to me. If anything, that just pisses me off more, and makes me want to avoid having anything to do with any of them. I just don't need it. There's that saying, "If not now, when?" I need to focus on being as happy as I can, with what life IS giving me, and stop feeling sad about the things that it is not giving me. It really is 'Now or never' to live my life, and that's what I intend to do. I think, I've lost all hope, that 'Mr. Right' even exists, or is ever going to come into my life. So, I just need to make the best out of what possibilities there are, for me. It is what it is. Maybe I am just unlovable.

Dare I hope?

Maybe Tina Turner was right . . . .

What's love got to do, got to do with it?
What's love but a second hand emotion?
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

https://www.google.com/search?sxsrf=APwXEdffhuVPO7eohUVMpTLJ0_vGHkIcuw:1679886901193&source=lnms&tbm=vid&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjLo4iwkvv9AhU3LUQIHaFVC5QQ0pQJegQIBxAC&q=what%27s%20love%20got%20to%20do%20with%20it%20lyrics&biw=1865&bih=908&dpr=1.03#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:f705f22f,vid:mw78mrc6K5A  

*The Bible Belt is a region of the Southern United States in which socially conservative Protestant Christianity plays a strong role in society. Church attendance across the denominations is generally higher than the nation's average.

** buttoned up: reserved or inhibited 

*** Missionary Position: The Random House Unabridged Dictionary (second edition) explains that it was “so-called because it was allegedly favored by Christian missionaries working among indigenous peoples, in preference to positions in which the man approaches the woman from behind.”

**** void: an unfilled space in a wall, building, or other structure.
an emptiness caused by the loss or lack of something.

Sometimes, Even Smart People Are Stupid

This is a cautionary tale, for others, as well, to stick to your boundaries. I didn't, when mine were tested, and this happened to me because of my not doing that.

Richard EveryWriter @realeverywriter

I'll be honest, today, . . .

i’m writing to save my own life . . .

to find the answers

i already know

but don’t believe. 

i don’t want to die

without facing my truths.

I've had to (try to) process 'a whole shitload' of, very strong, emotions, in the last year, that I never thought I would even have to contend with at all at this point in my life; including shock, shame, and despair. I also realized that letting my guard down, and trusting someone, again, meant my becoming, the butt of a joke, and, the target of all the gossip, for being stupid enough to think they cared about me. I admit defeat. They devastated me. I got played, and worse than that, I have NO ONE to BLAME but MYSELF. EVERY TIME I have EVER trusted ANYONE in my life, I have REGRETTED IT. I had learned my lesson, well, and my head was on straight, about not letting people get too close to me. I was indomitable this way. Immune. No one, had been allowed to get inside my head, or, worst of all, inside my tender heart, which I fiercely protected from being shattered anymore after all the times that it has been. There are so many reasons that I should have known better, and done better. All I know is that when my heart got hijacked by some overwhelming and overpowering feelings I was no longer in the driver's seat. I was as drunk on, and reeling from, what I was feeling, as I have ever been by anything, or anyone. Ever. As hard, as it is to do, now, however, in the aftermath, of that fiasco, I have actually welcomed my being forced (admittedly against my will) to walk through a valley of humiliation, from this situation; as surprising as that might sound. Doing so drives the point home to me, in an excruciatingly, unforgettable, way, that this was something that can never be, and will never be. It was quite obviously (now) just some dream, or fantasy, that had started to seem far too real, for me, which could only and would only look like a living nightmare in the harsh realities of the clear light of day, with my eyes fully open, and focused, on the facts, as they are.

I'm much more of a realist about life's adversities and sorrows. If it took my being burned this badly to cause me to want to steer clear of this consuming flame then so be it! I had already tried everything, I knew to do, to stop it from happening in the first place, and when the other person did not help me, with that, but doubled down on the very behaviors which were causing me to feel like I did, I fell in love, because of the signal that sent to me. I felt so angry, and violated, because I was trapped in strong and sticky emotions then that I knew I shouldn't be having, and I couldn't get free of them. I tried everything I could think of to get over it; to get past it. It even drove me to drink, despite, my being, extremely, health conscious.

I'd gone the last 25 years only having a couple of beers, in all that time. I started drinking wine by the bottle. I didn't even bother with a glass. Just 'bottoms up' to my lips, drinking it down, as fast, as I could, after eating a few saltine crackers in an effort to keep from throwing up. I was trying to numb the pain. I was trying to dull my pure panic, that this had happened to me. You know, that feeling you get, when, one moment, you were, perfectly healthy, and strong, and the next minute, you become aware that, you are coming down with something, like the flu, that is making you debilitated, and dizzy, and disoriented, and NOTHING you can do, will stop it? That, is what this felt like, to me. It was just as unwelcome. It was just as unwanted. Feeling, those things, for this person, wasn't going to do me any good, and I hated having it in me, to have to deal with, 24/7, once it hit me and bowled me over. I was trying my best to honor the realities involved, while sliding down a slippery slope, of attraction and desire. Of course it had to end in a crash landing. There was never any other possible outcome for the obviously-one-sided feelings.

I've had some success with drinking wine, to give me the giggles and temporarily take away the sadness and stress that I feel when life is fully frustrating me, with its tendency to be both complicated and contrary. That is, before, I have to begin nursing the inevitable effects of a hangover, and assessing, fallout from, anything that I recall doing which may be under the heading of 'regrettable deeds'. I'm not endorsing any form of escapism as being the way to live life on a daily basis. But, for me, there is a certain level of 'bullcrap overload' that leads to a much-needed, drunken binge, to help me destress, from that, and to regain my lost perspective.

When I began writing this post (over the course of several weeks time, as I could find words to articulate it), I was struggling to recover, from both humiliation and  a hangover-- neither of which are painless or easy to get rid of. It was comforting to Google 'How do I recover from humiliation?' and see many websites appear, to offer advice, and observations, which have helped me, to get back on the road to recovery, right away. It was difficult, and daunting, at first, to be sure, but I have come to terms with it all, much more quickly, now, than I did at times in the past. Sadly, part of that is simply because I have had so much practice at my having to find some way to survive after people have broken my heart, during the course of my life. I am exposing my tender underbelly, so to speak, by talking about it now rather than, covering up, the fact that I messed up, and my messing up messed me up. I got there, with help, from others, messing up, as well, but, at the end of the day, I can only give my own testimony, and answer for my own sins. Whether  I like it or not, I am called to live my life by scriptures such as James 5:16, which says that we are to confess our sins to one another. But people are quick to judge others. We human beings almost always ascribe more weight toward, and disdain for, others' sins, compared to our own. People also have their loyalties and biases which affect how they react both for and against other people. A father who takes a dim view of a man whose behavior negatively impacted his daughter's life, may be the very same man who, scorns, and scolds, a woman for her holding his close friend accountable, for damage done, to her life, by playing games with her heart. Human beings are such emotional creatures that, thoughts, and actions, whether, on our own behalf, or a loved one's of ours, often have very little to do with either objective or impartial decisions on matters involving these relationships. It makes it more of, a loyalty test, than a truly, righteous, judgement, because of that bias.

                                                

                                          . . . or their loved ones.

When I've gotten stuck in social quicksand and started sinking to the point where it began to feel like it could be the death of me, it's been because, I have allowed someone to convince, or entice, me to stray from my own values. You would think that hard-won lessons about living would be grasped firmly and held onto for dear life. After all, we often carry the emotional scars of our lifelong learning to remind us that, what hasn't killed us has made us stronger, and, hopefully, wiser. Hurt, is not something that we are keen to, ever, experience, again, if we can avoid doing so. Heartache can feel more searing than touching a hot stove burner, at least, to me, and there is no soothing balm to take the sting out of it. Probably, 99.99% of people go to great lengths to hide their humiliation, and I would normally do that, as well, but I have become increasingly aware that this situation has been shared, through gossip that, apparently, came from someone, other than myself, who was directly involved, so it's already out there, casting me as both, the villain, and the fool. Gee. How fun, is that, for me? I don't even want to try to fathom the reason, that they would do that, to me. Especially, since, they have to know that they had a hand in this happening, in the first place, to be sure; and that, I was very angry with them, about the things, they did, to stir these feelings up, even more, in me, after I emailed them, and asked them, in writing, not to do that to me, because I realized that it was affecting me and I wanted to avoid this very thing taking hold of my heart. I had asked them for their help in preventing this from happening to me and they did the opposite of what I asked them. It became so obvious, due to that, and other ways, they treated me, that they do not respect me. That fact is a

blessing in disguise, actually, because, I have always been someone who needs to be respected, more than loved. In this case, I was neither, but, for me, disrespect is a relational deal breaker, helping me to sever the personal tie, that had evolved in my relationship with this person. I am grateful for anything that has helped me to destroy the emotions that had developed in me toward them. I did not want it!

I am not saying this out of bitterness but am simply stating the facts. I would not want this person even if that were possible, which it isn't and never will be. I saw plenty of Red Flags-- too many really-- that let me know that this person was not right for me. The main reason, being that, disrespecting, me, has, always, been a deal breaker, for me, and they, definitely, did not, respect me--  showing me that, through both, their words, and their actions, time and time and time again. When we were friends, it was the happiest phase of this relationship, to me, but there is no going back now, to that simpler situation. When we first met, he was rude and often unresponsive. I even felt sure that he was stupid, for awhile. So I had never expected that we could ever even become friends. As I look back on everything, I wonder now if we ever really were friends, or if he was just playing me, to control me, and to get on my good side, including so that I would stop complaining about how he was before. It worked. That friendship, as I saw it, was a source of alot of laughter for me, even though as amusing as he was he was also very annoying at times. I am equally annoying in my way, and very frustrating to deal with as well, though, in between my, also, being funny, and, enigmatically, charming, at times. So, in between all the banter and laughter we were mutually irritating quite often.

The day came that is was especially obvious and hurtful that he didn't respect me.

There was alot, that he did, that day, to directly interject himself into my personal life, when he knew, before, he did all that, that I had been drinking. It seemed to be, amusing, to him, but I was in that condition because I already felt humiliated, and completely stressed out, by him. When he exposed my vulnerability that way, that day, he brought someone else along, with him, that I didn't even know at all.
That, was one of the incidents, that so devastated me that I called the Crisis Line. The person that he brought with him, that didn't even know me, later called me a drunk, to my face, when I had only had 2 bottles of wine on 2 different occasions, and a few canned drinks at a neighbor's house one day, after going for 25 YEARS, without drinking more than a couple of beers, total. His treatment of me gave this person permission to-- also (like, him)-- disrespect me. It was, extremely, painful.
Around this time was when I realized, my biggest humiliation, came from the fact that I had actually thought he was my friend, and really cared about me, and was a decent guy. There was alot of other things, that showed me very clearly that he did not respect me, at all, but I am not going to go into them here. God, knows it.

You may be wondering why I would have ever considered this person to be a true friend, to me. I wonder that myself, now that our relationship with one another is over, and everything's been said and done, that has left it like this. But, it wasn't, always, this way-- at least, not, on the surface, when taken at face value. We had originally been antagonistic toward one another. For whatever his reason, he, was the one, of the two of us, that made a real effort to improve interactions between us. Especially because, he began to seem caring and supportive, and he made me laugh so often, and so easily, we came to be friends with one another. Or so I had thought. As time went on, the, veneer, on that, seemed to be, thinner, than, I had first believed. His 'caring', seemed to be more of a charm which was, intended, to control me. Instead of his seeming stupid anymore he just seemed 'slick'*, to me.

I noticed that he would always shut me down whenever I tried to express genuine distress about the situation with my being a target of the clique where I live and I kept wondering, why he didn't see, or acknowledge, that one of his closest friends was the main instigator of bullying me, since, he continued, to defend them; even at my expense. He told me that I should be friends with one of the women, that is associated with the clique, but never asked me, one single time, about my side of the situation, and what, these people, have put me through. He doesn't know any of that, to this day, therefore-- except for, my, finally, providing the proof, that his best buddy in the group was actually calling people over to her and literally telling them, NOT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME. This woman is in her late 70s, and presents herself as a devout Christian to him. His friendship, with her, remains, unchanged, despite how she has treated me. So, his loyalties continued to lie with others, and was, never, really, there, for me, even during (what I had originally believed, was) our friendship. Someone, truly, caring about me, would not have felt comfortable, remaining, close, to such a perpetrator, that has caused so many problems, in my life, here, because of her meanness, and gossip. He's never even been curious, or concerned, enough, to ask me about any of the incidents with the clique members that caused an alienation to occur between us when I was friendly to them before.

Instead of telling me to be nice to them, when he has never asked me for my side of the story, he should have at least listened to how I have been treated by them, instead of shutting me down, before I can tell him any of it; and then, if he wants to play 'peacemaker', so much, he could have addressed their behavior, which has been the source of the breakdown in these relationships. There isn't one thing the people in this clique can truthfully claim that I did to them, but, they wronged me. I am not one to, continue in relationships with people who have treated me badly.

Why, should I do that, and open myself up to more of the same? TREAT ME WELL.

 

No one has ever made me laugh as easily, or as much, as him, though, which felt great frankly. I'm a sucker for a good laugh, so that gained him some real ground with me. Laughter opens up the heart, and that was his gateway into mine. From his influence, in my life, I learned to appreciate, and then, really, truly, like a new genre of music, that I had barely paid any attention to, before. It is, honestly, my favorite music to listen to now! I would have never believed that could happen, to me. I would have lost a money bet, on that not ever happening with me, for sure.
I will always care about him, as someone who became, very significant, in my life, for both good and bad reasons, whether or not, I ever should have; and I have no desire to hurt him, in any way. EVER. I wish him all the best. The bottom line is, I have only myself to blame. I started the superficial flirting, because it was fun, for me. Then, I couldn't get him to help me stop it, when it, suddenly, started to feel, too real, to me, and scared me. I got hurt and humiliated and that really is all my fault. This, is a cautionary tale, to anyone, reading this. DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE. I should have known better-- absolutely!-- and, I paid the price. I am so sorry, that any of it happened, and the saddest thing of all is it can't be undone. So, I extend grace, to him, because I am so in need of that, myself. I don't feel hatred or hard feelings. I just feel like I WAS REALLY STUPID, for a woman that is normally fairly intelligent. It hurt ALOT, that he disrespected me. But, the awful truth is, I taught him to. I cannot blame him for this; but it did take mistakes on both our parts for it to end up this way. We don't interact at all, anymore, and both think that's best.

Nothing significant ever happened between us thank God. I need to say that here.
I should also say that he did, finally, 'pull the plug' on it, but not way back when I asked him to, to prevent this, from happening, to me, in the first place. I do, fault him, for that. If he had done that, helped me with that, when I saw trouble ahead and asked him to help me to keep that from happening, instead of doing, more of, the very behaviors that, I was telling him, I was most susceptible to, this could all have been avoided, then, rather than, avoiding, one another, now, because, it did, happen. That's why I got so angry at him, about it. I asked him, not to encourage it, in me, but, he did, for whatever reason; and, he knows that. Maybe, it was just an ego trip, to see a woman's eyes shine that way when she looked at him, but he was not in a position, to be entitled, to that, from me, and I did not want to be, in a position, to provide that, extra boost, for him, and end up with nothing, to show for it, but being teased and heartbroken. This became a dark night of the soul, for me, so it is being addressed in this post, but I am not planning to expound on any of this or describe more, about it, in any future blog posts, that I might write. This post, provides a sufficient overview. All things considered, and that, covers alot of ground, with us, I know that, he has had a huge impact, on me, personally, and is one of those people that I will never forget. Even if I really wish that I could, now.

                                                                       
I did lose alot of respect for him, though, because of how he treated me, and how he handled this situation with me. He brought several other people into it to make himself look like he is just a totally innocent victim of it, when he absolutely needs to share the responsibility and the blame; and I'm the object of gossip because he did that. I have also had to endure these people putting me down, including to my face, while, he sat there, and tried to get me to say that he did not do anything to cause any of this-- which I refused to do for him, because that would be a lie, and he knows it; even if he won't admit it. I wasn't saying anything about it to anyone until, I finally told one person (my best friend), because, I had, no one, to turn to.

My friend, gave me his word, that he will not share, what I told him, with anyone.

@ML_Philosophy
Nobody notices your pain, but everyone notices your mistakes.

The whole community seems to know about it though, and that is, directly due to, how the man involved chose to handle it; in an, obviously, very disrespectful way, toward me. He, and his friends, have been the ones, that have spread this gossip. That is really disappointing to me, to put it mildly, because I had given him alot of credit, for being a, genuinely, nice guy, and he is also a Christian. When I realized how much damage they have done to my reputation, behind the scenes, as if that means, nothing, at all, to them, for the quality of my life, here, in this community,

by their, causing people, to view me differently, and decide, not to befriend me, in some cases, because of it, I felt really sad. I just can't imagine why they would do that. It's become crystal clear, that they have, however, and it is affecting my life.

Now, I can see why, he remains so close to the clique member that's gossiped the most, about me. It's because he has also been doing that. Even so, I stand on the fact that, God, brought me here. This is, His Will, and Plan, and His Word, always, stands true, including Romans 8:28, my favorite verse and the mantra for my life:

 

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose." [Amplified Bible]

I am just focused on going on with my life, and keeping my distance, at this point.
The humiliation has been very humbling for me, and I think that I have needed to learn a real lesson from all this. I also think, it wouldn't be wise to try to stand on that slippery slope, again, and believe, I can stay, firmly, on my feet, when, I slid, almost all the way down it, before. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. I didn't expect that at all when it happened, but now, I know, that it can; because it did. No one, was more shocked (and upset, about it!) than me, but it also, truly, terrified, me. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Just like, the car that gets hit by a train, on the tracks, and is totaled, I was blindsided. I cannot handle something like that! I do not know how to deal with it. It is crazymaking**, for me, because of that. I was miserable, and that made me so pissed off. It's no wonder it drove me to drink, when nothing, or no one, had, for 25 YEARS, prior to that! I was self-destructing, and I couldn't get a grip on my emotions, at all. It was horrible. I HATED IT. I am also left terrified it could happen to me again, now that I am back to being 'myself'. I hadn't thought that I would, ever, have to deal with something like that, at this point in my life. I was therefore not happy when I had to, because I didn't have a choice. It was too much for me. I am so much happier, being free, and independent. Not, controlled, by overpowering feelings. It also hurt like hell, to have someone mean so much to me and see, clearly, that I did not mean much to them. It had to be that way, too. There is more I have to say about it, in the following message to my blog readers.

A MESSAGE FROM ME TO MY READERS:

I now have readers in 60 countries around the world, and I am both amazed and humbled by that. Thank you, for sharing, my journey, through my true life story,  in this blog. It is my hope and prayer that your seeing me so openly describe my struggles and sins will assure you that you are not alone in your own challenges. The human experience is something that, we each get out of bed every day, and grapple with; with varied results for that effort. Some do better than others, and my struggle is real. I have not had the easiest time, with it, but I remain so very grateful to God that it's not been any worse. Every mercy and grace that He and others have shown to me have been the only reason that I have made it this far. 

The header of my blog, reprinted below, has been my promise to God, to myself and to my readers, that I would tell the truth in my posts to the very best of my ability, and I have done that. However, in recent months, I've been experiencing  a, very stressful, dilemma regarding, how, to write about, my, life, fully, when it involves people who are in my life right now in some way or other. Most of them know that I write a blog about my life and therefore they can potentially be in it, making them a part of my story which is being shared here with the world. I am not trying to 'gossip'. I am doing my best, to describe the effect of these people, and their sins, and shortcomings, on me, and my life, as well as, give an honest account of my own failings, and faults. I have written what there is to say about my past except that there's things I could expound on about my youngest sister. That just leaves me with what I have to say about the present. The difficulty I'm encountering, with that challenge, is that I am going into stress overload, trying  to process my thoughts and emotions in real time, without the opportunity to sit with the situation as it is for awhile, to see where the dust settles, before I make  a written pronouncement here as to how I'm feeling about whatever is going on,  in my life, at the moment. I can, capture that, fairly well, in a tweet, or post, on social media sites but to write a blog post in the in-depth way that characterizes my writing here, and seems to sum things up, with some conclusion, as I discuss or describe the subject matter, requires an achieved introspection from me that I can't always mentally muster when it is needed from me, so soon, to write these.

"I cannot make these stories from my life nice and neat or, rather, whitewashed and sweet, in order to make them more palatable, or easier to cope with, for anyone reading them. Whenever the truth gets watered-down, it stops being the truth! I have lived through all these things. It is my story. It is what it is. Our lives are greatly affected by the pervasive consequences of Original Sin, the sins of others, and our own sin, and we must acknowledge that."

As of this post, I have written 68 posts in the nearly 4 years that I have blogged. Most of them are lengthy, detailed, accounts, of whatever aspect of my life I was covering in each one, as I felt that I could deal with the particular subject matter.

Wise_Chimp @wise_chimp

Writing things down is the best way to clear your mind. Success demands clarity.

As a result of my trying my best to be completely honest about the actual events as they were, while also trying to 'be the bigger person', and heavily redact main incidents, or leave them out altogether, which could both clarify and substantiate  what I am talking about here, I now feel burdened, by my needing to write these posts, because I'm not including the meat of the matter on these current events. Especially when due to my decision to handle it this way, I am having to struggle mightily with that effort on a continual basis. This is proving to be so difficult and  draining for me that it is taxing my health in some really concerning ways, at this point. I am now frequently not feeling well, I am not sleeping well, and I seem to be stuck in a state of heightened anxiety, almost all of the time. Clearly, I cannot continue to do this to myself. This blog was begun in order for me to process the events of my life that had transpired, so that I could achieve some level of peace and healing in regard to them and their effect on me. Now the very act of writing these posts is perhaps the most toxic thing I am doing, to myself. It simply must stop. At least, for now, and for the foreseeable future. The joy of my tackling the challenge of writing-- especially, about such intimate subject matter, as the good, the bad, and the ugly, which is all a part of my life-- is completely missing for me now, in this endeavor. It has come very close to feeling like an exercise in futility.

Even though I'm only describing the people involved by general descriptions here, there is so much that I feel like I can't share, here and now, about them, that it is very hard for me to still feel that I can write coherent posts, anymore, with things as they are. I am straining, to do all that I feel like I can, to protect the person, at the heart of this post, even though, they really messed me up, emotionally, to the point that I had to call the Veterans Crisis Line, twice, and I also had to talk to my doctor on a few occasions, about the harmful effect of this, on my blood pressure, when it became elevated from this situation to a concerning degree and I couldn't get it to come back down. I have had to fight my way back, to feeling like, I am in my right and reasonable mind, again, after all of this got a grip on me and caused me to be, totally, turned away, from, my true north***. How, do I, fully, articulate something, about a person or circumstance here, when I'm leaving out all I can in these blog posts in order to avoid it being gossip? They have gossiped to, several, people, about me, regarding this very situation, which has caused others to show, open, disrespect, to me, or, at the very least, to see me in a bad light, since, they do not have, and would not, even care about, having, all, the facts, now that they have been, adversely, affected, by hearing, only one side, of the situation. I know firsthand that this person leaves out some really significant things about their part in all this, because they subjected me to a 'conversation' (verbal attack, on me) in which they tried at one point to get me to say they had no blame, and I sat silent, rather than lie about that for them; and by their own choosing they brought a few other people into that deeply distressing dialogue. They have to know God knows. When, our ultimate Judge, knows all of it, I am not willing to contradict that truth.

The only person that I did, finally, confide in about it is my best friend here, who has assured me that, he is trustworthy, with not sharing the things I've told him. The following Facebook Messenger post I sent to him recently, while I have been working on this blog post, speaks of my life improving so much, by this situation ending, and me going on with my life. I am much happier now this way, but I do realize that I also need to stop writing my blog posts, too, on a regular, required basis, as I have been doing, which is why I am writing this message to all of my readers. I have prayed about it, for some months now, and I don't feel like I am  to stop writing my blog altogether. I do-- desperately-- need to reclaim my time, and start doing alot more for my holistic health such as more exercise than I am getting by sitting here, writing, for hours and days and weeks, on end, for years. There is also a realization in me that, now that I have covered all of my past life, in large measure, by the posts that I have written over these past few years, the challenge now is for me to, actively, live my present-day life, more so than write about it. There is only so much sand, in the hour glass, of my numbered days on this earth, and I have been setting aside, fully living, my life, for years now, as I took all this time to sit here, at my computer, and write about it. My writing blog posts has not been a waste of time, because, through that, I received, alot more clarity about things, that I wrote about, which brought about more healing to my injured soul. In other ways, it has shown me, how many open wounds, there still are in my psyche, that I am not yet healed of. Two steps forward, one step back,  it feels like as I try to be my best possible self while simultaneously being such a damaged soul. As I often say summarily, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I am what I am. This relationship-- this friendship that got trampled to death by all the other feelings I found myself dealing with, in dismay-- which, this post, is about, was a source of much laughter and, frankly intermittent, support and I miss having those aspects in my life, because they made my world a happier and warmer place. It, also, left me feeling, angry, indignant, gossiped about, stressed, played, treated extremely disrespectfully, at times, and like I am actually better off without it, on the whole.

The Facebook Messenger post, to my best friend, about this relationship situation:

The helplessness of being in its grasp emotionally and the vulnerability of it being able to wreck you is truly terrifying though and I am SO GLAD to BE BACK to my SANE SELF after my bout of TEMPORARY INSANITY! LOL! I am SO MUCH HAPPIER when I am NOT in such clutches and can have RATIONAL THOUGHTS again. I've been SINGLE and CELIBATE for SEVERAL DECADES now for GOOD REASON-- I LIKE BEING SINGLE (I just don't like being CELIBATE-- but my vibrators are a WONDERFUL 'fix' for that problem!). Um Hmmm.

I am celibate, but I address my health holistically, and sexual function, is a part of that. In fact, because, I have been living celibate, for so long, I developed vaginal atrophy according to my doctor, and was told that I needed to insert something in my vagina for stimulating blood flow, to try to stop the progression of this-- which can become increasingly problematic if it is not dealt with. That is why I started to rely on vibrators, because, an actual partner, has not been an option, for me, and my health-- body, soul, and spirit-- is very important to me. I have found that it's also a great stress release, which is an added bonus! Because vibrators are a very necessary part of my life now due to the vaginal atrophy, and a routine part of my healthcare-- doctor's orders-- my best friend, who happens to be, a male, is used to me saying that word. He's heard me use it regularly (the word not the vibrator, LOL!)-- probably 50 times so far. The ONCE I said it to this other guy, when I was drunk, he hung up on me. I sit here, shaking my head, at that, because, he is the same guy that stood outside my bathroom window, one day,... and is a hypocrite. I saw that and God saw that, so his acting holier-than-thou doesn't cut it with me. I also, didn't, act all self-righteous, or gossip about him, or make trouble, about it. I am a Christian saved by grace, but I do not feign a personal holiness that I don't have, and would never do so with someone that has seen different behavior, from me, and knows who I am, aside from that facade. I told him one day it was CRAP.

Although I have always published my blog posts on a regular schedule, to make it easier for my readers to know when the next one was available to them, and also, have let you know if something came up which was delaying a post, giving a time that I thought it would be published, online, after that delay, I am not going to be able to do that anymore, going forward, at least, for awhile. I really, really, really, need, to-- totally-- change, my daily habits, and routine, to address all my health concerns, and hopefully connect with more of a sense of being well grounded and at peace, again. >sigh< I believe, it's become a matter of survival, for me, at this point, and possibly, even, a life-or-death decision, because of the terrible toll, this stress has taken, on me, especially, in recent months. I hope, you will forgive me, and indulge me, as I do this for myself, now. Whenever I do post something new, on my blog, I will post a notice about that on social media: Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I have an Instagram account, but don't really enjoy using that platform, at this juncture. I also need to spend alot less time on social media going forward. I have health programs that I have never viewed or engaged with, for learning Tai Chi, for developing my yoga poses, for doing more dance-ercise routines and even

some movies, which I purchased, years ago, but have never even seen (including, Fifty Shades Of Grey-- inspiration for fantasies, that are the necessary fuel for the vibrators to work!). I need to exercise more, including walk more. Sitting, so long,

as I do here while I am writing these lengthy blog posts, has caused me to have a pain in my hip, that I cannot allow, because it can progress, into causing me to be lame. I have a long list of projects that I need to do, on my home, and I also want to do more cooking, and baking, and sharing those things, with others, as I can. A vacation, would do me a world of good, as well. I haven't had one for many years.

@xirtempest Sometimes, the truth is so incredibly difficult to accept, it feels like it betrays you. It cuts so deeply into your perception of reality, your ego dies for a moment. Then you come back and realize your closest and dearest friend disguised as the enemy, actually saved your life.

I have tears in my eyes saying this but the inevitable rejection by my friend that I so deeply cared about left me feeling so damaged in my self-esteem, even though I know that, there was no other possible outcome, regardless, of the value I do or do not have as a human being, so in that sense I really should not take it as hard as I have, personally. Nevertheless, I need to do what I can to repair the damage to myself, which has manifested in several different forms as I have acted out my anger and pain that this even happened to me at all, when I didn't expect it and I wasn't wanting it. I can only work on me, and at this point, I feel that, I have alot of work to do, on me. In fact, that, alone, should, keep me quite busy, for awhile! So, thank you again, readers, for your presence in my life. For being companions, to me, as I walk the path that is unique to who and what and where I am in life. I promise I will keep you posted if I publish anything new on this blog of mine, and you are always welcome to check back, to see for yourself, as well. You may even get something out of reading past posts. There are now 68 posts, to choose from.

Christine @cmd8495 
It's not that you're afraid of love. It's the fear that everyone else is just like the last person who destroyed you.

- Deb Robinson

 

                                                           

* slick: a person who is smooth and persuasive but untrustworthy. 

** crazymaking: (Urban Dictionary definition) obsessive thoughts or overwhelming desire for something or someone, that causes a conflict struggle between meeting moral versus primitive needs/urges.

*** true north: "We’re talking about your own true north. That inner sense of what you want to accomplish in life. That calling keeps you on the right track, to being your authentic self." https://www.betterup.com/blog/find-your-true-north