I'm Longing For Peace In Turbulent Times

These are turbulent times.

Upheaval, and uncertainty, and strife, seem to be everywhere. There's simply no escaping it anymore, as much as I would like to because I'm burned out by it all. More than anything in the world I would just like to have some real PEACE in my life. That precious privilege has eluded me for most of my life. I burst into tears, today, from feeling totally tired of trying to attain that, because it just seems so, impossible, to me, now, to either find it or keep it. It seems like such a waste of my limited energy to expend the effort to even try to find it or have it. It seems pointless to me to try to get there, from where I am, mentally, and emotionally, almost all the time, anymore. I feel so depleted, even drained dry, at this point, from trying so hard for so long to achieve even a miniscule measure of peace. I just teared up, again, typing that sentence. I am struggling to see my computer screen and keyboard, through my eyes filling with tears, which are now trickling down my cheeks. I have longed for loving relationships my whole life because of coming from a family that was not affectionate, or even particularly affirming. It left me with such a hunger in my soul, to know what the warmth and joy of that would be like; and I am far from the only one. This is such a love-starved world.

Bars exist because people are seeking some peace of mind. There may be longing for love involved, or many other reasons, that patrons come through the doors of those establishments, including, a craving for some excitement, of some sort. But when it is all said and done, if they achieve their goal, whatever that is, they gain some peace of mind. At least, for awhile, and, usually, ahead, of any hangover, or regret sinking in. Churches exist because of people wanting to find some peace of mind. 'Comfort food'* is called that because it brings people peace of mind. When someone inflicts self-harm by cutting themselves, they do it to distract them from mental or emotional anguish, in order to obtain even temporary peace, by feeling some relief, in their troubled soul, despite it being a desperate, and dysfunctional, act, on their part, which has no positive, long term, benefits, for their overall well-being. Whether we're seeking peace through relationships, food, some sort of self-harm, reassurances about eternity, or a lot of other things, what we are craving is that peace. How can anyone possibly find, and hold on to, pervasive or permanent peace, while living life on this planet, that's becoming more turbulent all the time?

The Bible has many verses that say it is indeed possible to live and walk in peace while being on this planet. I have never found any way to do that for longer than mere moments, though, all things taken into account about my life with all of its heartbreak, deprivation, terror, and trauma. Having a deep and profound faith in God and His Grace and Mercy has helped me to have the moments of peace, that  I cling to as my strong, sure foundation as I go about living life in this constantly convulsing world, but it doesn't shut out all the sadness and strife that affect me so deeply, which come from the conflict and chaos, that pervade the planet, now.  I can barely stand to watch the news anymore because it is so anxiety-producing for me. Everything seems to be experiencing a constant crisis: shockingly severe weather events, that many say are due to global warming approaching a point of no return, important elections which will have an impact on everything about our lives, in some way or another, acts of violence, that we have seen are possible to occur, without warning, anywhere, anytime, and, mutating, viruses, that are mild for some, but deadly for others, and there is simply no way to calculate, how this  might affect us, if we become ill. Even, deep faith in God, offers no guarantee, of the outcome, should such things happen to us. The gift of life is far more fragile, than we seem to realize, necessitating, at least for me, that it's always held with deep gratitude and an open hand, even amidst all that is distressing, depressing, and dismaying. For me this is easier said than done, though, and I confess that I have given way to pure despair at times. Especially in recent years, as I confront the uncertainties and unknowns that come with aging and the implications of the many ways that this issue alone can cause disruption, and destruction, to my life. I'm a loner, who lives without much of a support system. Health, financial, or any number of issues can develop into something which prevents me from continuing to maintain my lifestyle in the way I prefer it to be, which would affect my peace. 

The entire world is continually trying to achieve peace. It's just how we go about it that differs so greatly. Some people marry because they seek a peace that a sense of security brings, while others, divorce their spouse, to find peace for themselves, since they didn't find peace in the relationship. Wars are started because someone seeks their own peace at the expense of someone else's. Homes are built, to have the peacefulness of privacy, that flooding and fires demolish. I doubt there is even one American parent of school age children that sends their kids to school without having at least some subconscious apprehension about the possibility of a shooter.

Peace, offers humanity the best chance for survival, and prosperity. Proverbs 17:1 in the Bible (Contemporary English Version) says that, "A dry crust of bread eaten in peace and quiet is better than a feast eaten where everyone argues." There are people we depend on in our communities to keep the peace, including when there are others who are disturbing the peace. Without peace there is no, real, sense of security. Right now, in my personal life, and in America and throughout the world, there are so many threats to peace. The reason that I keep to myself so much, is to try to have, and maintain, my sense of peacefulness, if at all possible. I began to live this way-- as, a loner-- when I was a child, growing up in a household that didn't ever feel truly peaceful to me, at all, or anything else, that was particularly positive. Keeping to myself was a quiet act of desperation, to try, to minimize the damage done to my soul, from sensing the constant undercurrent of tension from the dysfunction of the family dynamic. I never felt emotionally, or mentally, 'safe' in that environment. To this day, I shut down around and shun anyone that gives me that feeling. Even so, it is nearly impossible for me to find much peace inside my own home, all alone, because of 24/7 news and other stressful shows, on the television and on the internet. Everything going on throughout the entire world is almost all reported on, by someone somewhere, making its way into news feeds. Because much of the news affects me, to some degree or other, I feel like I can't just look away, or 'unplug', from seeing or hearing all these things, even as I feel my stress level and blood pressure elevating as I try to assess the implications of it all. We live in a world where mutually assured destruction is a possibility at any time, and some people get into politics for personal gain, rather than for altruistic reasons. If those, who are in control of the situation, aren't caring and careful, we could face things that, if we survived them, would, annihilate, our sense of peace. I long for peace, but I am at the mercy of others, who may not value it, so highly.

There is truth to the saying that 'Ignorance is bliss.' Little children wave at anyone and hug everyone. Then they are taught biases and prejudices. They get hurt, and maybe even violated in some way that scars them for life, by the people they care about and trusted. Their youthful optimism gets severely challenged, as their view of this world they live in enlarges with new information and understanding. I recall how shocked and sad I felt, as a high school student, when we were shown a film,

about the atomic bomb, and the devastating destruction that weapon caused. The realization of such a thing being unleashed on this planet was hard for me to bear.

Now, I know so much more, about human nature and politics and governance and wars. I don't have the luxury of any naivete regarding what's at stake and what is possible. Underneath this and other overarching threats to my very existence, I'm just trying to be as happy as possible, given my situation. As the years gave gone by, that has gotten a lot harder for me. I have more financial vulnerabilities now. I have more health issues now. I have less time in my lifespan now. These facts and more, crowd into my thoughts, and emotions, at random times, on any given day.

I try to focus on the positives and there are many of those but it's a daily struggle and a constant challenge. Music helps. Exercise helps. Laughing helps. Nature, can help, such as when I hear beautiful birdsongs outside my window. But underneath everything is my feeling of frustration that some of my deepest heart's desires are not happening for me, and perhaps never will happen for me. Especially given the world as it is now. Even the fact that thousands of men in my age group died, in a war, as young men, depriving thousands of women from the chance of knowing or loving them, very possibly including me, makes me both sad and angry. It may be the sole reason that I never met my Mr. Right. Guys who were just ahead of me in school were drafted to fight in Vietnam. What was really accomplished with all the sacrifice of those lives? Those men could have loved and been loved, instead of it. I have, still, NEVER KNOWN, what BEING LOVED, WELL, BY SOMEONE feels like. I often think about those men, that died in the war of my generation, because of it.

                                                                                  

Although stress enters my life though the media inside my home, the most stress for me has always come from interacting with other people. I have come to dread it, because it is so often such a letdown to me, and even worse, does me damage in ways. I have been truly traumatized by peoples' treatment of me, which affects me a lot. Perhaps their behavior is how they handle their own lack of peace, but I can't handle more cruel blows to my psyche, at this point, so I mostly avoid other human beings, now, to try to avoid additional harm being inflicted on me by them.

That creates a conflict inside me, though, because I can't find my person, or other loving, and nurturing, relationships, if I do not go outside my house and socialize. I can either, cut my losses, or take a risk. I have become very risk averse, though.

I do think it's vital to not expose myself to people who have shown me that, they are not for me, and do not have my best interests at heart. I will NEVER want to be around or socialize with people that I don't genuinely enjoy their company. It isn't worth it to me to settle for that. I would rather do without altogether. If I'm not blessed by someone's presence in my life, then I prefer their absence. I love  to smile and laugh! The people that I most enjoy being with are those who bring laughter to my life. The person that I have loved most, was someone who made me laugh, so easily, and so often. They were such a blessing to me because of it.

Most of my life is lived now, so I am more selective than ever about who I spend my time with. I realize, more than ever, how very, very, precious time itself is. If someone or something does not make me happy, I don't want it in my life, at all.

I think that everyone wants peace, but when someone takes it at someone else's expense, it will never truly be peace; for them, or for the one(s) they deprived of it. That often has both unforeseen consequences and a ripple effect on more than just the person(s) they took peace away from to have their own at their expense. These are people who want something else, more than they want to live in peace. For me, I gauge the 'success' of my day based on how peaceful it was, as well as how productive. I always feel better on the days I get things done, but I only feel it was a 'good' day if I came through it maintaining my sense of personal peace. I have a lot of daily struggles, with anxiety, and OCD, and sometimes, even darker, things, like depression, and despondency, so it is really notable and unfortunately rare, in these times, if I get through a day feeling relatively at peace in my world.

 

Having a home of my own is a haven for me for having more peace in my life, for many reasons, but because of the viciousness of the clique defamation of me with all the gossip, and lies, that has turned so many against me, I have been, terribly traumatized, here, too. So, the bad has canceled out the good, so far, and I am in an 'existing' mode, rather than a 'living fully' mode, as I try to deal with the huge drain on my soul, of all that evil that has been unleashed against me here, mostly by OTHER CHRISTIANS, who SHOULD know, they are ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD, for this. I have called the Veterans Crisis Line, many times, because of the distress it causes me, and I have telehealth counseling sessions with a mental health doctor due to it, also. This situation has sadly stolen my joy, which I really miss having. I love the sense of security I get in the peace and quiet of my own home, but peace is hard to have even with the shades drawn and the door locked, because of being

surrounded by these people. I am in constant emotional conflict because my home is the BEST earthly blessing God's EVER given me but the community the house is in does not feel 'safe' for me mentally, emotionally, and sometimes, physically. My faith in God, is what's kept me, through all this, and my knowing that, He blessed me with my home. It will be, three years, in August, that I came here, because of God blessing me with my house, but this campaign of cruelty, against me, started MY VERY FIRST DAY here. It has REALLY TAKEN A TOLL ON ME. I have asked God, at times, if He has changed His Will that I be here, but He CONTINUES to TELL me that HE HAS A REASON for ME to be HERE, and HE DOES NOT LIE, so I trust Him.

PEACE is VERY HARD to FIND here, for me, but GOD is my peace, especially when I can't find it in my circumstances or situation. I can tell you for a fact I would not have made it this far in my life, or living in this kind of heartbreaking meanness, if it were not for God being my life, my everything, and my all in all! My attempts to find peace, in other ways, have not gone very well. I often end up getting agitated

BECAUSE I am trying to center myself, in a sense of peace, but, it is ELUDING me. I usually do better when, I just, cry to out God, for his Grace, to help me, because IT MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE, in my day. There is nothing like the Grace of God!

Rather than STRUGGLING TO FIND PEACE, I just RECEIVE HIS PEACE, as a gift, to me, and as long as I REST IN THAT PEACE, it REMAINS, WITH ME, throughout, the day. If I start fussing and fretting, that amazing Grace lifts from me, leaving me to struggle, in my own strength, because of taking my focus off of God. It is nowhere close to being adequate to deal with all of the stress in my life now, though, that's

constantly coming from so many sources, of all sizes. God's GRACE is what makes EVERYTHING easier to bear, easier to cope with, easier to do, and easier to rejoice in, despite the trials and tribulations that come with these things. I am grateful to God, but even more than that, I AM GRATEFUL FOR GOD. HE is truly, my all in all.

 

Amazing Grace 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

*Comfort food- food that provides consolation or a feeling of well-being, typically any with a high sugar or other carbohydrate content and associated with childhood or home cooking.

The Past Has Nothing To Offer . . .

. . . but memories and lessons. 

I'm longing to get all the projects done that I have been working on for years now and focus on my personal goals and desires, for a change. The things I have been accomplishing are all worthy endeavors, but I'm burned out, by the relentlessness of it all. They needed doing and I feel good about my firmly resolving to stick with it, showing self-discipline and the ability to work hard for delayed gratification, but there's also the truthful scripture that says, "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done." (Ecclesiastes 11:4 Living Bible) I also, feel shocked, and uneasy, about how quickly time seems to be passing now. It's almost halfway through the year! As I turn the calendar pages with the arrival of each new month I wonder where the days have gone. I am given a finite (and unknown) amount of time on this earth, and there is nothing that keeps that in my mind more than the face of the 68-year-old woman in the mirror. My soul within this body still expects to see the 30-something me, that I still feel like, inside, and is struggling to grasp the indisputable and unsettling fact that it's me and not my mother standing here.

I often hear it said that we are not good at living in the present. I am as guilty of living in the past as anyone, and for the most part, it is a pointless place to be. It can't be undone, or re-lived. It can only be remembered, and teach us lessons. It is also often said that change is the only constant. We sometimes see this fact as being a blessing, and sometimes we see it as being a bad thing. Anyone who has lived for very long has seen that changes that we thought would be good brought us bad outcomes at times, and things that we thought were terrible tragedies are sometimes surprising because of the good things that come from them, which we didn't expect. So much of what happens to us in our lives is out of our control. It feels like we're on a wild ride, at times, holding on, for dear life, and other times, we just feel, stymied, and stuck. The things that are in our control are the things that we can do something about, although we can procrastinate and abdicate our responsibilities, instead, accomplishing nothing. I can't speak for anyone else but  I know that I am very wasteful of my allotted amount of time to be alive on earth and I need to do better. Especially, at this point in my life, with my already being in my late 60s now. When I watch newscasts, they mention the passing of others my age, who no longer have the privilege of being alive, or of being able to affect and influence their own destiny, or contribute to the condition of the planet or the other living beings on it. What they did, and didn't do, while here, cannot change. For better, and/or for worse, it's over. As Jesus said, on the cross, "It is finished."  

 

It seems to me that, God gives us Eternity because it will take all of that, to get to everything that we still want to do that we didn't get around to in this life. I have a bookshelf full of beautiful cookbooks, which have enticing recipes, that I would like to try to make, at some point. I'm often hindered in that ambition, by lack of time, energy, or resources, leaving me, feeling wistful, about my not getting the chance, to explore these treasures, in the time that I have. I'm only comforted by my faith in God that I will be able to do this, and more, that I still haven't gotten around to in my lifetime. I have, so many, interests and hobbies, that I want to learn and do and experience, which I never seem to get around to, after doing the daily chores, and meeting the pressing demands of each day. I wonder where the day has gone! Even so I know that I haven't made enough effort to use my time wisely enough. I NEED TO DO BETTER ABOUT THAT! I've SET AN INTENTION* to do better about it.

I find it fascinating that, we can simply walk down the street, on a day that is like most other days in our lives, and suddenly encounter someone or something that  becomes a major part of our lives, from that point on-- NONE, of which, we could have caused to happen ourselves, or even foreseen. Whether Divine intervention, or Destiny, we find ourselves in new relationships and realities because of it. But, we have to do something ourselves, to put ourselves in the place where that was  a possibility, or even a probability, to happen. We had to get out of bed and dress and go out the door, at the very least, to put ourselves in the position that a new thing could happen in our lives as we walked down that street. We have to make an effort. We have to do our part. I have not been doing nearly enough of that. I need to change that, from something that isn't working for me to something that will increase my chances of my dreams coming true. Dreams of fun and romance and adventures, and good times, with friends that I can truly trust. I spend most of my time inside my home. It stands to reason that, if there is a man for me, he is not just going to randomly show up, at my door. I have heard stories that such unlikely things have happened to some people, but that isn't the norm. The odds are much more in my favor if I get out of my house, for a change. Even if I don't meet my Mr. Right that way at least I will be getting more exercise, which I need.

I have no idea if God has any man on this planet who is right for me, but there is  a fable I have heard that makes the point about seizing the opportunities as they are presented to us rather than rejecting them and letting them pass us by while we hope for something (or, someone) else, to come along, and be what we need.

Here is that tale: 

The Drowning Man

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

Life is complicated. At least, it has never been simple for me. >sigh!< My life often feels 'out of alignment', as if, I just can't seem to slip into the gear that will get me where I need or want to go. My frustration with it, is compounded by the fact that, whether I can achieve all my remaining unrequited dreams or not, time, is steadily ticking away, and I can't, slow it down, stop it, or, reset the clock. I don't have the luxury of time, as much, at my age. So, I don't want to waste any of what's left on people or things that are not what I want or need, for myself, for whatever reason. I don't want any bullshit, taking up space in my private life. I don't need, my heart broken, by anybody else. I have already had, more than, my share of, that type of treatment, whether it came from, family members, men in my life, or others. I am not interested in pursuing people or things that do not make me happy. It's now or never for me to finally have what I want and need for me, and that's my sole focus now. Distractions or deviations from that won't be welcomed, by me. I'm a woman on a mission, to fully live my life while I still can. I am determined to find as much fulfillment as possible. No more, looking back, at the past. There are people in the past that I love, deeply, whom it just could not work out with, for various reasons.

There's nothing to be gained by dwelling on those relationships even though those people eclipsed everyone else in my emotions at a point in time. Time, has moved on, and so must I, because I have one life to live, that is passing by quickly, and a human hunger to experience what, mutual, love must be like with someone who is actually right for me, and good for me, for a change. Neither of the men that I will always love in some way, because of how, profoundly, they touched my soul, were those things that I need. For different reasons, those relationships were not viable. Fantasies are fragile in the cold conditions of reality. Being clear-eyed now, with no more stardust in my eyes, and standing strong, as, my own, advocate, without the butterflies, fluttering in my stomach, which used to make my knees so weak, I see that I am better off without them. Both men brought much more misery to my life than joy when it was all said and done. They tenderly touched my heart, took it all the way up to the mountaintop, and then, unceremoniously, threw it over a cliff. It just barely survived, the last one of the two. Would I ever want to go through that again? UH UH. Was it worth it? NO WAY. I want a feast, of fun, and fulfillment, not crumbs, or leftovers. I believe that, 'Mr. Right', will value me, and treat me better. 

I'm at peace with the fact that those two men weren't meant for me. I want to be as pragmatic as possible while focusing on increasing my chances of getting what  I want, with someone new, that it could work out with. I plan to live my life going forward, in the reality of the situation as it is, rather than in foolish fantasies from the past. I can see now, that not having some relationships work out is a blessing in disguise, saving me a lot of disappointment and grief. My focus is on increasing my odds elsewhere. I want romance, passion and sex. I want laughter and love. I want someone I can trust, who won't let me down time and time again. Someone who is really there for me. Jim and I broke up but got back together several times almost immediately after each split, but I see now that it was a mistake to do that because, instead of valuing me as someone special, and treating me better after a breakup, he actually took me for granted, because he could see how deep my love for him was when I took him back after he did things that I'd honestly lost respect for him for. He knew, I was hooked on him, like a helpless fish, caught on a line. I got treated that way by the second of the two men also. He overwhelmed me with a charm that no one had ever unleashed on me before, and once he saw that I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker, he began treating me badly. It devastated me, but he didn't care. It was part of the reason that I battled suicide not all that long ago. It was merely manipulation of my emotions, for whatever reason, that he decided to do that, to me. Ego, maybe? Control over me? I shudder to think, what his reason was. There's nothing worse for a woman than loving a good man who doesn't turn out to be a good man. At least, to her. I learned a lot of lessons from him, though.

 

    

I'm not going to care about any man, more than, I care about myself, and what I need, going forward. If THAT isn't there, I won't be, either. I will not allow myself to be shortchanged and disrespected and remain in the relationship with anyone. Both men taught me, what I DO want in a man and what I DON'T want in a man.  I don't want to ever be married again, anyway, so I would prefer dating different guys, rather than settle down with just one. Keep things light and fun, so I don't get my heart broken again. It's hard to find as many men to date, at my age, but  I really want to date younger men because I am so energetic and fun-loving still! 

Ideally, I will come across one man, along the way, that will make a good lover. I have been celibate for over 25 years now. That's a long time! TOO Long. I'm also monogamous, when it comes to sex, for health reasons, etc. I hope to be able to just 'play the field', for a while, and out of that find someone who is fun, and hot, to me. I'M SO EXCITED, because I have been delaying gratification for years, and very soon now I should be able to FINALLY focus on HAVING SOME FUN! NO ONE ELSE 'has skin in the game' when it comes to my achieving my goals. IT'S UP TO ME to DO ALL I CAN to MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I was shattered for a long time, after these men DEVASTATED me and left me licking my own wounds, while they have both enjoyed their relationships with wonderful women, who, truthfully, are probably too good for them. I don't have them, but I have MYSELF back, now.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21 NIV)

I'm smart and funny and passionate and enthusiastic, and I have been giving my heart to the wrong men my whole life. I want to guard that treasure, much more carefully, going forward. I don't want to have to spend ANY more of MY, precious, time trying to get over some creep that conned me, like, my last husband, whom  I refer to as 'a son of Satan', or some charmer that nearly costs me my life when they suddenly turn that off and leave me wondering what happened to my heart. MY HEART IS NOT A GAME TO BE PLAYED WITH. I really want to focus on finding  a guy who VALUES, honesty, and sincerity. The next time, a man makes my eyes shine bright, with love, for him, I want him to be WORTH IT, for a change. In the meantime, I plan to have a lot of fun flirting! More than finding LOVE, I just need to HAVE SOME FUN, now. I HOPE I have a GOOD SUMMER this year. I am READY!

* Setting an intention: Intention setting is the process of creating a clear and focused mental or emotional intention for a specific goal or outcome. It involves consciously directing your thoughts and energy toward a desired outcome or experience, with the aim of increasing the likelihood of achieving it. It is the process of identifying and articulating your values, aspirations, and how you want to live your life. It's about creating a mental framework that guides your actions, thoughts, and reactions.

You Can't Change How You Really Feel . . .

. . . but those feelings may change.

We feel what we feel. Even if or when we try to change whatever that is, rise above whatever that is, deny whatever that is, repent of whatever that is, wish we didn't feel whatever that is, hate feeling whatever that is, feel sad, depressed, angry, or some other dark emotion, about whatever that is... and so forth.

Someone can browbeat you because of what you feel, even try to 'beat it out of you' in some way, including physically, such as when a parent spanks a child, or an abusive person strikes their partner. They try to punish you for feeling what you feel, to try to make you stop feeling whatever that is, for whatever reason they have for doing that. But, while they can make you sit down, on the outside, so to speak, by, outwardly, altering your behavior, because you want to avoid more of their punishment, you may still be standing up, on the inside, feeling whatever it is that you truly feel in your heart of hearts. This causes stress for the person who is simply feeling honest emotions, which they didn't create, and they can't control. Emotions that perhaps they are very unhappy about having, themselves; that they wish were not within them. Yet, they cannot just make those disappear, even when the feelings are painful, inconvenient, embarrassing, or unwanted-- by someone else, themselves, or both. Not even when they are made the target of retaliation, or public humiliation, judgement, and scorn, for whatever it is that they feel.

People lying to me is my main pet peeve. It causes me not to trust them, which causes me not to respect them, which destroys alot, or even all, of the positive feelings I may have had about that person. Lying about me is right up there, too, as something that I tend to loathe people for doing to me. There is no way to feel friendly toward anyone who defames my character and undermines my reputation, usually to try to make themselves look like a better person than they are, at my expense. The last person that I truly loved did, both, those things, to me, but I welcomed that, from him, inasmuch as I didn't want to love him in the first place, and I knew that it would go a long way in destroying the caring feelings that I had. It took a while, but that did finally happen, setting me free from the bondage of it.

I had already, always, been doing whatever I could, to get those feelings out of my heart. I didn't see them coming, I didn't want them in me, and I wanted it to stop, for my own sake. I had hated being in the throes of something that strong, that I couldn't control, despite my best efforts. I was dismayed, and daunted, by that. Even so, his doing those hurtful things to me was very effective in eating away at whatever good feelings I had toward him. That finally broke it, in me, as I ended up, not trusting him, not respecting him, not feeling any affection toward him, having no desire toward him, and generally wanting nothing to do with him, if I could possibly help it. So, I feel alot better now! I had felt like my mind had been hijacked, by those feelings, that had come out of nowhere, and then completely overwhelmed me. But my sanity has been restored to me, now, so I can think rationally again. It feels almost as if I have been freed from the pit of Hell itself.

Instead of the heat of passion, that used to grip me, when I thought of him, and, literally, nearly bring me to my knees, as my legs gave way from all the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I now feel something like disdain, and a coolness toward him that would make brusque cordiality all I could muster toward him if I ever had to interact with him again in the future (which I am intent on continuing to avoid, all that I possibly can, because of how badly he treated me for feeling what I felt, in spite of my trying not to, and I never tried to force on him). I don't like him as a person, after seeing how many ways he chose to (often publicly) shame me, when I wasn't doing anything at all that warranted that from him. God as my witness. 

I don't think that I hate him (although sometimes it feels like I do), despite his causing me to become so despondent, by how badly he treated me, when I was doing nothing at all to deserve to be treated that way, that at one point I truly didn't think that I would survive it. He continually treated me so disrespectfully, and almost always in front of an audience of other people. I became suicidal about it, briefly, but that is a dangerous place to find oneself emotionally, regardless of how quickly it passed, with the help of a friend, and by God's Grace. I think that it must simply be his male ego causing him to refuse to let go of believing that I still have those feelings for him, because I couldn't seem to convince him otherwise, despite telling him that plainly to his face. I think that's actually rather funny, and pathetic, that he really doesn't seem able to see himself through my eyes, to know my aversion toward him. What I see in him now, isn't very nice, for the most part.

 

What I see-- who I came to know him as-- is not someone that I would ever think highly enough of to want to be with, even if that were possible, which it isn't, anyway. I deserve way better than that type of person, and I have spent half my life choosing to do without a man because of that fact. I was very thrown by the feelings that I had toward him for awhile, because I wasn't able to control my emotions, as much as I wanted to, and tried. I struggled constantly, and mightily, to get rid of those feelings I had for him. I didn't make the warm feelings that I used to have toward him happen, and I didn't cause the cool feelings that I have toward him now to happen. How he treated me caused both those things in me. He acted, and I reacted. Cause and effect. Life happens and we feel what we feel.

Now I am immune to his calculating charm, because I see him for who he is, and who that is, is a man that I would never be able to trust again. Trust is a critical component of loving someone, for me. Even with friends, or family members. I used to consider him a friend. He destroyed that. He is such a jerk toward me that when I have simply smiled, to be polite, or been courteous, to be civil, he started ranting and raving at me-- almost always in front of some third party-- accusing me of still having feelings for him. He doesn't seem to notice that I continue to consciously avoid him, which I have actually done for a long time now. I just don't need his bullshit. He was disrespectful toward me even before all this happened.

It is offensive to me, especially because I am not doing anything toward him at all to be accused of anything like that. But, it also makes him seem really silly to me. After all, WHAT IS THERE TO LIKE, in being treated this way, by him? I truly think he just tries to keep this thing going for the sake of his own ego. Proverbs 28:1 says that "The wicked run when no one is chasing them." I think this describes him because, among alot of other things, he has lied to me, gossiped about me, caused people to openly judge me when they wouldn't have had any reason to, otherwise. He is a Christian. Jesus wouldn't do any of those things toward me.

                                                                                                      

He keeps acting like I am sinning toward him, while the whole time, in various ways, he is sinning toward me by biblical standards. Instead of thumping his Bible at me, he should read the verses that apply to his own sins. Hypocrite. He has openly condemned ME for FEELINGS I had, that I never tried to act on, but he seems to have no problem lying, or spreading gossip about me, which are sins that have had real consequences in my life, including damaging my relationships with other people who would otherwise have no other reason to treat me badly; but they have done that on his behalf to show their bias for and support of him. I once felt like he was my favorite person on the planet. I once considered him to be my best friend. I believed that he was actually trying to help me with some serious things that I really needed someone's support for. I didn't want to have other feelings. They just happened, when I wasn't expecting them to happen at all, which really threw me. But my reaction to that happening was always to try to stop it. I never tried to act on those feelings toward him. I didn't try to hurt him.

 

Now I feel much happier, having nothing at all to do with him-- not interacting with him, or having to endure more unprompted and undeserved accusations from him, when I know that I am merely being polite to him in the most basic of ways during any interactions. His doing that, to me, so many times, especially, when I did not deserve it, finally made me feel so frustrated that I lost my temper about it, and said "Fuck you!" to his face. I had just had it with his bullshit. Since then, my only goal regarding him has been to avoid him if at all possible which I continue doing. 

I am enjoying my private life now, and he has nothing to do with that. He is not welcome in that anymore. I am much happier now without him anywhere around me! If I was simply smiling (to be congenial, rather than hostile), he accused me of having feelings for him, that he had already destroyed in me, by mistreating me, so much. If I acted happy, or joyful, for reasons that had nothing to do with him, he glared at me suspiciously, as if my vivacious personality (that is 'me', when I am simply enjoying my life, in general) was some 'come on' toward him. If I had a conversation with him about things that were not remotely personal, he went off on me that it was really about him. It was so frustrating trying to deal with him, and he took it to the point of such ridiculousness, that I finally lost my temper. I had always felt very angry about that, but I finally just quit holding my tongue about it for the sake of trying to at least remain on pleasant terms with him when I needed to talk to him about non-personal things that were important. 

To make it even more maddening than it was, I had actually been actively avoiding him, for a lengthy amount of time, but even so, several times, he saw me walking past, on my way to go somewhere, or to speak with someone else, etc., and he would call out to me (which I tried to ignore, if I were far enough away from him to seem to not hear him), when I was living my life and minding my own business. He also came up to me, to interject himself into my conversations with someone else, or to show me something personal on his phone that he thought would interest me, and such, when I was not even talking to him, nor trying to talk to him. I would have preferred not to, truth be told, as interacting with him was rarely if ever enjoyable for me. I often found him to be very irritating and annoying, from the very beginning, which is one of the biggest reasons why I was shocked when I did develop a crush on him, for a short time, that felt pretty intense in me, for awhile. Nevertheless, I chose to respond politely, when he did these things, while he continually accused me of having ulterior motives related to some strong feeling for him (that I had already told him, clearly, no longer existed in me), whenever I needed to converse with him-- with someone else present!-- that was in no way personal, or affectionate toward him. It was so unfair. Because I was not doing anything to deserve to be continually accused of feelings for him that I did not have, for a long time now, I realized he kept it going for some selfish reason, at my expense, but I have never been sure of what his agenda actually is, for his doing that to me. He almost always seemed to do it in front of others, apparently to discredit me, for whatever his reason. Perhaps just for his ego.

People often make this mistake with me, then wonder why I change toward them.

I held my temper, and my tongue, about it, far, far, far, longer than I should have, but when I finally lost my temper at him about it, he acted like the victim, then, too, and blamed me, as if he didn't have that coming, for how badly, and unfairly, he had been treating me, for so long. Personally, I think he is a chauvinist, and a misogynist, at heart. I also began to notice, whenever I would read things about narcissists online, that he almost always matched what that was describing. That was the scariest realization of all, because a narcissist will intentionally set out to destroy a person, their self-esteem, their life, and their happiness, out of whatever egotistical reasons, that they convince themselves, due to their own deep-seated insecurities, that they are entitled to do that, to their target. He seemed to enjoy subjecting me to his unfair accusations, and he did so often with a smirk on his face, like it was some fun game to him that he was really enjoying at my expense.

 

But I just gave it all to God, who knows the full truth about everything, and have done my best to go on with my own life, which he is not directly a part of. That's another reason I want to find my 'Mr. Right', finally. With, that, man, in my life, I couldn't keep being accused of things, anymore, that I am not feeling, or doing.

 

Even so, precisely because feelings are complicated, this man, that has been doing all this to me, is one of only a couple of people who have affected me so deeply that they have actually changed who I am as a person, forever, in both good ways (believe it or not) and bad ways. The other one of those people was my second husband, Jim. For better, and for worse, it is what it is; or, was. I am glad to be past those romantic emotions, toward both those men, so my heart is fully open to embrace a future with a man that hopefully will not mistreat me, as these two men did, each in their own way. If I don't ever meet such a man-- one that I deserve, that will treat me well-- I will continue to do without, rather than settle for less. My head thinks alot more clearly with all the butterflies gone from my gut, and I know that I would not want either one of these two men, that I loved the most in my life, so far, to be with me, because they would not make me happy. I don't want the type of life that they live, either. It is just not my scene. I prefer alot of alone time, as an introvert. People, in general, are a huge drain, to me. They both like having alot of people around them. I'm very private. I also could never trust either one of those two men again. Without trust, and respect, there can be no love, of any kind, including friendship. I choose to appreciate the good things that they brought into my life, and I try to let go of the bad things; and put it all behind me.

I should have continued trusting my gut, because it's a very good judge of people. Had I done that I could have avoided the whole situation with the accuser. My very first impressions of him were that, he was a chauvinist, had a very condescending streak in him that seemed to come from him being full of himself; that, because of that, or some other reason, he, definitely, didn't respect me; that he did not want to bother to do the right thing by me, if he could possibly avoid it, when I needed his help; that he was very manipulative; not a truthful person; and, at times, was even rather stupid. When my feelings did change toward him, in spite of all these things, it was partly because he began to behave very differently toward me, and he has a powerful, practiced, charm, that he used to weave his spell on me. Even so it was primarily a physical attraction to his manliness, for me. l'm also a sucker (clearly) for anyone who makes me laugh-- which, he managed to do, quite often.

I was excited to see myself start falling in love with David-- the man I met online, not long ago, on a singles' dating website. I was so hopeful that he was 'the one'! We talked about anything and everything, we made one another laugh, we were sexually turned on by one another. It was a mutual attraction that seemed to be blossoming into real love. I was brokenhearted, when it fell apart, with him, just before we were finally going to meet in person, because I found out that he was doing 'the typical man thing' of telling me some things that he wasn't really honest about, in order to 'get lucky' with me. I was shocked, because I had always been completely honest with him about everything, and thought he was doing the same. I was also hurt, and angry, about it. I had told him how important respecting me, and being honest with me, was, to me, and that if a man didn't do those things toward me it was a deal breaker. There would be no romantic relationship. David had given me his phone number, just before this happened that it fell apart with us, because we were actually making the plans for him to come stay with me that upcoming weekend. I never called him, though, after that, even though I have missed him and thought of him so often, ever since then. I can't seem to forget about David. Sometimes, I am tempted to call him. But then, I don't, because I told him clearly how imperative it was that he respect me and be honest with me, and he missed the mark, with those things. I have to stay strong, and let it go. 

I have high standards for any man that I would ever be willing to give my heart to. I am more casual with my body, meaning that I would have sex with a man, that I was attracted to, and had a strong chemistry with, even if I was not in love with him. That was not the case, years ago, when I had convinced myself, due to my religious upbringing, that I had to be in love-- or at least have the intent to get married to the man-- to have sex with them. That stern and stuffy puritanical morality imposed its suffocating straitjacket on my personal fulfillment, and led to my having several divorces. It was male-patriarchy-created-religiosity, largely to get, and control, women, rearing its ugly head, to get women to compromise what we really want and need, in order to have a man in our lives and our bed, and it caused me alot of grief, in the past, when I tried to abide by it, because I ended up with the short end of that deal; every time. That is why I say in my singles' site profiles that I have no interest in being married again. Ever. I was very attracted to David (still am; sigh!) and was already starting to fall in love with him. So, we very likely would have had sex had he come here to meet me the weekend that it all fell apart. I haven't been able to get David, or that fact, out of my mind. I just keep consoling myself that I found out just in time to avoid another heartbreak. It would never work out, between me and any man that does not respect me; which includes, being honest with me, and treating me well, among other things. I knew I was far too attracted to David to resist going back into it with him, if he tried to get with me, after it fell apart, so I deleted my profile on that website. I still have my other profile, on another singles' dating website, and in my Inbox, just today, there were four, new, men, messaging me. One even looks somewhat promising! 

I am really picky because I know what I am worth, so it's really hard for me to find someone that I want to be with. I am encouraged, by finding-- two!-- good guys, from this online search, for love and sex, already, though, in Joe and David, even though those didn't work out, when it came to meeting one another. Joe was just plain hot. He pushed EVERY button with me, as far as being a total sexual turn-on. But, David had more depth to him, and he was attractive, which is why he was the one of the two I started falling for. Maybe, 'the third time's the charm' with this singles' site search! I am very hopeful, optimistic, and excited, about my future prospects for finding the romantic fulfillment that I have never, really, found, in my life. The closest I ever came was with my second husband, Jim, but he still fell far short of someone that I would be willing to spend my life with. So, I divorced him (even though he was great in bed). Regardless of whether I ever find my 'Mr. Right' or not, true feelings-- whatever they are-- JUST ARE. I can't MAKE myself feel love for someone, or stop feeling love for them. It'll either happen, or it won't.

We cannot control what we feel. I don't think that any of us decide, in our heads, what we will feel, about people, or places, etc. Our emotions reflect our honest reaction to how we experience people, places, and things, that come through our lives. I still feel like I am partly in love with David, even though I won't call him, because he lied to me, and I hate that, because it ruins relationships for me when I can't trust someone. I love the beach, but I have friends that don't like it at all. I hate pasta, while it seems that most people love it. I did not plan to hate pasta, or try to hate pasta. I just feel a genuine dislike for pasta. When we encounter people or experience things, our feelings-- whatever those are-- just naturally occur in us, as a consequence of how that affected us. I hope I get to experience mutual love!

How can I deeply love someone, whom I later feel nothing at all for, but wariness, distrust, and resentment? The answer to that question seems to me to be that we only know other people in the way(s) that they choose to reveal themselves to us, by how they behave, which triggers emotions in us that we can't control, one way or the other. Those feelings are just our natural reaction to what the other person decides to show us about who they are. That emotional reaction that we have, to how we perceive them, is subject to change if and when what they show us about themselves changes. If we believe someone is being truthful with us, and later we discover that they lied to us, it profoundly affects how we feel toward that person.

I have been fooled, and betrayed, by people, that I truly cared about, causing me to be 'once bitten, twice shy' in regard to them going forward (compound that, for multiple 'bites', from some of them, including friends that I gave my full trust to-- which was a huge compliment to them-- only to realize that my doing so was a big mistake). I am to the point, now, that I really wonder, is anyone, or anything, ever really, who, or what, we think they are? It amazes me, that we can go from loving someone, even more than any other person on the planet that we've ever known, and then find ourselves wondering if we ever, really, knew them, at all. Even more than that, it's like they've become some kind of stranger to us, now, that we don't know, and that we don't think, now, that we even want to know. Feelings changed.