The Past Has Nothing To Offer . . .

. . . but memories and lessons. 

I'm longing to get all the projects done that I have been working on for years now and focus on my personal goals and desires, for a change. The things I have been accomplishing are all worthy endeavors, but I'm burned out, by the relentlessness of it all. They needed doing and I feel good about my firmly resolving to stick with it, showing self-discipline and the ability to work hard for delayed gratification, but there's also the truthful scripture that says, "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done." (Ecclesiastes 11:4 Living Bible) I also, feel shocked, and uneasy, about how quickly time seems to be passing now. It's almost halfway through the year! As I turn the calendar pages with the arrival of each new month I wonder where the days have gone. I am given a finite (and unknown) amount of time on this earth, and there is nothing that keeps that in my mind more than the face of the 68-year-old woman in the mirror. My soul within this body still expects to see the 30-something me, that I still feel like, inside, and is struggling to grasp the indisputable and unsettling fact that it's me and not my mother standing here.

I often hear it said that we are not good at living in the present. I am as guilty of living in the past as anyone, and for the most part, it is a pointless place to be. It can't be undone, or re-lived. It can only be remembered, and teach us lessons. It is also often said that change is the only constant. We sometimes see this fact as being a blessing, and sometimes we see it as being a bad thing. Anyone who has lived for very long has seen that changes that we thought would be good brought us bad outcomes at times, and things that we thought were terrible tragedies are sometimes surprising because of the good things that come from them, which we didn't expect. So much of what happens to us in our lives is out of our control. It feels like we're on a wild ride, at times, holding on, for dear life, and other times, we just feel, stymied, and stuck. The things that are in our control are the things that we can do something about, although we can procrastinate and abdicate our responsibilities, instead, accomplishing nothing. I can't speak for anyone else but  I know that I am very wasteful of my allotted amount of time to be alive on earth and I need to do better. Especially, at this point in my life, with my already being in my late 60s now. When I watch newscasts, they mention the passing of others my age, who no longer have the privilege of being alive, or of being able to affect and influence their own destiny, or contribute to the condition of the planet or the other living beings on it. What they did, and didn't do, while here, cannot change. For better, and/or for worse, it's over. As Jesus said, on the cross, "It is finished."  

 

It seems to me that, God gives us Eternity because it will take all of that, to get to everything that we still want to do that we didn't get around to in this life. I have a bookshelf full of beautiful cookbooks, which have enticing recipes, that I would like to try to make, at some point. I'm often hindered in that ambition, by lack of time, energy, or resources, leaving me, feeling wistful, about my not getting the chance, to explore these treasures, in the time that I have. I'm only comforted by my faith in God that I will be able to do this, and more, that I still haven't gotten around to in my lifetime. I have, so many, interests and hobbies, that I want to learn and do and experience, which I never seem to get around to, after doing the daily chores, and meeting the pressing demands of each day. I wonder where the day has gone! Even so I know that I haven't made enough effort to use my time wisely enough. I NEED TO DO BETTER ABOUT THAT! I've SET AN INTENTION* to do better about it.

I find it fascinating that, we can simply walk down the street, on a day that is like most other days in our lives, and suddenly encounter someone or something that  becomes a major part of our lives, from that point on-- NONE, of which, we could have caused to happen ourselves, or even foreseen. Whether Divine intervention, or Destiny, we find ourselves in new relationships and realities because of it. But, we have to do something ourselves, to put ourselves in the place where that was  a possibility, or even a probability, to happen. We had to get out of bed and dress and go out the door, at the very least, to put ourselves in the position that a new thing could happen in our lives as we walked down that street. We have to make an effort. We have to do our part. I have not been doing nearly enough of that. I need to change that, from something that isn't working for me to something that will increase my chances of my dreams coming true. Dreams of fun and romance and adventures, and good times, with friends that I can truly trust. I spend most of my time inside my home. It stands to reason that, if there is a man for me, he is not just going to randomly show up, at my door. I have heard stories that such unlikely things have happened to some people, but that isn't the norm. The odds are much more in my favor if I get out of my house, for a change. Even if I don't meet my Mr. Right that way at least I will be getting more exercise, which I need.

I have no idea if God has any man on this planet who is right for me, but there is  a fable I have heard that makes the point about seizing the opportunities as they are presented to us rather than rejecting them and letting them pass us by while we hope for something (or, someone) else, to come along, and be what we need.

Here is that tale: 

The Drowning Man

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

Life is complicated. At least, it has never been simple for me. >sigh!< My life often feels 'out of alignment', as if, I just can't seem to slip into the gear that will get me where I need or want to go. My frustration with it, is compounded by the fact that, whether I can achieve all my remaining unrequited dreams or not, time, is steadily ticking away, and I can't, slow it down, stop it, or, reset the clock. I don't have the luxury of time, as much, at my age. So, I don't want to waste any of what's left on people or things that are not what I want or need, for myself, for whatever reason. I don't want any bullshit, taking up space in my private life. I don't need, my heart broken, by anybody else. I have already had, more than, my share of, that type of treatment, whether it came from, family members, men in my life, or others. I am not interested in pursuing people or things that do not make me happy. It's now or never for me to finally have what I want and need for me, and that's my sole focus now. Distractions or deviations from that won't be welcomed, by me. I'm a woman on a mission, to fully live my life while I still can. I am determined to find as much fulfillment as possible. No more, looking back, at the past. There are people in the past that I love, deeply, whom it just could not work out with, for various reasons.

There's nothing to be gained by dwelling on those relationships even though those people eclipsed everyone else in my emotions at a point in time. Time, has moved on, and so must I, because I have one life to live, that is passing by quickly, and a human hunger to experience what, mutual, love must be like with someone who is actually right for me, and good for me, for a change. Neither of the men that I will always love in some way, because of how, profoundly, they touched my soul, were those things that I need. For different reasons, those relationships were not viable. Fantasies are fragile in the cold conditions of reality. Being clear-eyed now, with no more stardust in my eyes, and standing strong, as, my own, advocate, without the butterflies, fluttering in my stomach, which used to make my knees so weak, I see that I am better off without them. Both men brought much more misery to my life than joy when it was all said and done. They tenderly touched my heart, took it all the way up to the mountaintop, and then, unceremoniously, threw it over a cliff. It just barely survived, the last one of the two. Would I ever want to go through that again? UH UH. Was it worth it? NO WAY. I want a feast, of fun, and fulfillment, not crumbs, or leftovers. I believe that, 'Mr. Right', will value me, and treat me better. 

I'm at peace with the fact that those two men weren't meant for me. I want to be as pragmatic as possible while focusing on increasing my chances of getting what  I want, with someone new, that it could work out with. I plan to live my life going forward, in the reality of the situation as it is, rather than in foolish fantasies from the past. I can see now, that not having some relationships work out is a blessing in disguise, saving me a lot of disappointment and grief. My focus is on increasing my odds elsewhere. I want romance, passion and sex. I want laughter and love. I want someone I can trust, who won't let me down time and time again. Someone who is really there for me. Jim and I broke up but got back together several times almost immediately after each split, but I see now that it was a mistake to do that because, instead of valuing me as someone special, and treating me better after a breakup, he actually took me for granted, because he could see how deep my love for him was when I took him back after he did things that I'd honestly lost respect for him for. He knew, I was hooked on him, like a helpless fish, caught on a line. I got treated that way by the second of the two men also. He overwhelmed me with a charm that no one had ever unleashed on me before, and once he saw that I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker, he began treating me badly. It devastated me, but he didn't care. It was part of the reason that I battled suicide not all that long ago. It was merely manipulation of my emotions, for whatever reason, that he decided to do that, to me. Ego, maybe? Control over me? I shudder to think, what his reason was. There's nothing worse for a woman than loving a good man who doesn't turn out to be a good man. At least, to her. I learned a lot of lessons from him, though.

 

    

I'm not going to care about any man, more than, I care about myself, and what I need, going forward. If THAT isn't there, I won't be, either. I will not allow myself to be shortchanged and disrespected and remain in the relationship with anyone. Both men taught me, what I DO want in a man and what I DON'T want in a man.  I don't want to ever be married again, anyway, so I would prefer dating different guys, rather than settle down with just one. Keep things light and fun, so I don't get my heart broken again. It's hard to find as many men to date, at my age, but  I really want to date younger men because I am so energetic and fun-loving still! 

Ideally, I will come across one man, along the way, that will make a good lover. I have been celibate for over 25 years now. That's a long time! TOO Long. I'm also monogamous, when it comes to sex, for health reasons, etc. I hope to be able to just 'play the field', for a while, and out of that find someone who is fun, and hot, to me. I'M SO EXCITED, because I have been delaying gratification for years, and very soon now I should be able to FINALLY focus on HAVING SOME FUN! NO ONE ELSE 'has skin in the game' when it comes to my achieving my goals. IT'S UP TO ME to DO ALL I CAN to MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I was shattered for a long time, after these men DEVASTATED me and left me licking my own wounds, while they have both enjoyed their relationships with wonderful women, who, truthfully, are probably too good for them. I don't have them, but I have MYSELF back, now.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21 NIV)

I'm smart and funny and passionate and enthusiastic, and I have been giving my heart to the wrong men my whole life. I want to guard that treasure, much more carefully, going forward. I don't want to have to spend ANY more of MY, precious, time trying to get over some creep that conned me, like, my last husband, whom  I refer to as 'a son of Satan', or some charmer that nearly costs me my life when they suddenly turn that off and leave me wondering what happened to my heart. MY HEART IS NOT A GAME TO BE PLAYED WITH. I really want to focus on finding  a guy who VALUES, honesty, and sincerity. The next time, a man makes my eyes shine bright, with love, for him, I want him to be WORTH IT, for a change. In the meantime, I plan to have a lot of fun flirting! More than finding LOVE, I just need to HAVE SOME FUN, now. I HOPE I have a GOOD SUMMER this year. I am READY!

* Setting an intention: Intention setting is the process of creating a clear and focused mental or emotional intention for a specific goal or outcome. It involves consciously directing your thoughts and energy toward a desired outcome or experience, with the aim of increasing the likelihood of achieving it. It is the process of identifying and articulating your values, aspirations, and how you want to live your life. It's about creating a mental framework that guides your actions, thoughts, and reactions.