You Can't Change How You Really Feel . . .

. . . but those feelings may change.

We feel what we feel. Even if or when we try to change whatever that is, rise above whatever that is, deny whatever that is, repent of whatever that is, wish we didn't feel whatever that is, hate feeling whatever that is, feel sad, depressed, angry, or some other dark emotion, about whatever that is... and so forth.

Someone can browbeat you because of what you feel, even try to 'beat it out of you' in some way, including physically, such as when a parent spanks a child, or an abusive person strikes their partner. They try to punish you for feeling what you feel, to try to make you stop feeling whatever that is, for whatever reason they have for doing that. But, while they can make you sit down, on the outside, so to speak, by, outwardly, altering your behavior, because you want to avoid more of their punishment, you may still be standing up, on the inside, feeling whatever it is that you truly feel in your heart of hearts. This causes stress for the person who is simply feeling honest emotions, which they didn't create, and they can't control. Emotions that perhaps they are very unhappy about having, themselves; that they wish were not within them. Yet, they cannot just make those disappear, even when the feelings are painful, inconvenient, embarrassing, or unwanted-- by someone else, themselves, or both. Not even when they are made the target of retaliation, or public humiliation, judgement, and scorn, for whatever it is that they feel.

People lying to me is my main pet peeve. It causes me not to trust them, which causes me not to respect them, which destroys alot, or even all, of the positive feelings I may have had about that person. Lying about me is right up there, too, as something that I tend to loathe people for doing to me. There is no way to feel friendly toward anyone who defames my character and undermines my reputation, usually to try to make themselves look like a better person than they are, at my expense. The last person that I truly loved did, both, those things, to me, but I welcomed that, from him, inasmuch as I didn't want to love him in the first place, and I knew that it would go a long way in destroying the caring feelings that I had. It took a while, but that did finally happen, setting me free from the bondage of it.

I had already, always, been doing whatever I could, to get those feelings out of my heart. I didn't see them coming, I didn't want them in me, and I wanted it to stop, for my own sake. I had hated being in the throes of something that strong, that I couldn't control, despite my best efforts. I was dismayed, and daunted, by that. Even so, his doing those hurtful things to me was very effective in eating away at whatever good feelings I had toward him. That finally broke it, in me, as I ended up, not trusting him, not respecting him, not feeling any affection toward him, having no desire toward him, and generally wanting nothing to do with him, if I could possibly help it. So, I feel alot better now! I had felt like my mind had been hijacked, by those feelings, that had come out of nowhere, and then completely overwhelmed me. But my sanity has been restored to me, now, so I can think rationally again. It feels almost as if I have been freed from the pit of Hell itself.

Instead of the heat of passion, that used to grip me, when I thought of him, and, literally, nearly bring me to my knees, as my legs gave way from all the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I now feel something like disdain, and a coolness toward him that would make brusque cordiality all I could muster toward him if I ever had to interact with him again in the future (which I am intent on continuing to avoid, all that I possibly can, because of how badly he treated me for feeling what I felt, in spite of my trying not to, and I never tried to force on him). I don't like him as a person, after seeing how many ways he chose to (often publicly) shame me, when I wasn't doing anything at all that warranted that from him. God as my witness. 

I don't think that I hate him (although sometimes it feels like I do), despite his causing me to become so despondent, by how badly he treated me, when I was doing nothing at all to deserve to be treated that way, that at one point I truly didn't think that I would survive it. He continually treated me so disrespectfully, and almost always in front of an audience of other people. I became suicidal about it, briefly, but that is a dangerous place to find oneself emotionally, regardless of how quickly it passed, with the help of a friend, and by God's Grace. I think that it must simply be his male ego causing him to refuse to let go of believing that I still have those feelings for him, because I couldn't seem to convince him otherwise, despite telling him that plainly to his face. I think that's actually rather funny, and pathetic, that he really doesn't seem able to see himself through my eyes, to know my aversion toward him. What I see in him now, isn't very nice, for the most part.

 

What I see-- who I came to know him as-- is not someone that I would ever think highly enough of to want to be with, even if that were possible, which it isn't, anyway. I deserve way better than that type of person, and I have spent half my life choosing to do without a man because of that fact. I was very thrown by the feelings that I had toward him for awhile, because I wasn't able to control my emotions, as much as I wanted to, and tried. I struggled constantly, and mightily, to get rid of those feelings I had for him. I didn't make the warm feelings that I used to have toward him happen, and I didn't cause the cool feelings that I have toward him now to happen. How he treated me caused both those things in me. He acted, and I reacted. Cause and effect. Life happens and we feel what we feel.

Now I am immune to his calculating charm, because I see him for who he is, and who that is, is a man that I would never be able to trust again. Trust is a critical component of loving someone, for me. Even with friends, or family members. I used to consider him a friend. He destroyed that. He is such a jerk toward me that when I have simply smiled, to be polite, or been courteous, to be civil, he started ranting and raving at me-- almost always in front of some third party-- accusing me of still having feelings for him. He doesn't seem to notice that I continue to consciously avoid him, which I have actually done for a long time now. I just don't need his bullshit. He was disrespectful toward me even before all this happened.

It is offensive to me, especially because I am not doing anything toward him at all to be accused of anything like that. But, it also makes him seem really silly to me. After all, WHAT IS THERE TO LIKE, in being treated this way, by him? I truly think he just tries to keep this thing going for the sake of his own ego. Proverbs 28:1 says that "The wicked run when no one is chasing them." I think this describes him because, among alot of other things, he has lied to me, gossiped about me, caused people to openly judge me when they wouldn't have had any reason to, otherwise. He is a Christian. Jesus wouldn't do any of those things toward me.

                                                                                                      

He keeps acting like I am sinning toward him, while the whole time, in various ways, he is sinning toward me by biblical standards. Instead of thumping his Bible at me, he should read the verses that apply to his own sins. Hypocrite. He has openly condemned ME for FEELINGS I had, that I never tried to act on, but he seems to have no problem lying, or spreading gossip about me, which are sins that have had real consequences in my life, including damaging my relationships with other people who would otherwise have no other reason to treat me badly; but they have done that on his behalf to show their bias for and support of him. I once felt like he was my favorite person on the planet. I once considered him to be my best friend. I believed that he was actually trying to help me with some serious things that I really needed someone's support for. I didn't want to have other feelings. They just happened, when I wasn't expecting them to happen at all, which really threw me. But my reaction to that happening was always to try to stop it. I never tried to act on those feelings toward him. I didn't try to hurt him.

 

Now I feel much happier, having nothing at all to do with him-- not interacting with him, or having to endure more unprompted and undeserved accusations from him, when I know that I am merely being polite to him in the most basic of ways during any interactions. His doing that, to me, so many times, especially, when I did not deserve it, finally made me feel so frustrated that I lost my temper about it, and said "Fuck you!" to his face. I had just had it with his bullshit. Since then, my only goal regarding him has been to avoid him if at all possible which I continue doing. 

I am enjoying my private life now, and he has nothing to do with that. He is not welcome in that anymore. I am much happier now without him anywhere around me! If I was simply smiling (to be congenial, rather than hostile), he accused me of having feelings for him, that he had already destroyed in me, by mistreating me, so much. If I acted happy, or joyful, for reasons that had nothing to do with him, he glared at me suspiciously, as if my vivacious personality (that is 'me', when I am simply enjoying my life, in general) was some 'come on' toward him. If I had a conversation with him about things that were not remotely personal, he went off on me that it was really about him. It was so frustrating trying to deal with him, and he took it to the point of such ridiculousness, that I finally lost my temper. I had always felt very angry about that, but I finally just quit holding my tongue about it for the sake of trying to at least remain on pleasant terms with him when I needed to talk to him about non-personal things that were important. 

To make it even more maddening than it was, I had actually been actively avoiding him, for a lengthy amount of time, but even so, several times, he saw me walking past, on my way to go somewhere, or to speak with someone else, etc., and he would call out to me (which I tried to ignore, if I were far enough away from him to seem to not hear him), when I was living my life and minding my own business. He also came up to me, to interject himself into my conversations with someone else, or to show me something personal on his phone that he thought would interest me, and such, when I was not even talking to him, nor trying to talk to him. I would have preferred not to, truth be told, as interacting with him was rarely if ever enjoyable for me. I often found him to be very irritating and annoying, from the very beginning, which is one of the biggest reasons why I was shocked when I did develop a crush on him, for a short time, that felt pretty intense in me, for awhile. Nevertheless, I chose to respond politely, when he did these things, while he continually accused me of having ulterior motives related to some strong feeling for him (that I had already told him, clearly, no longer existed in me), whenever I needed to converse with him-- with someone else present!-- that was in no way personal, or affectionate toward him. It was so unfair. Because I was not doing anything to deserve to be continually accused of feelings for him that I did not have, for a long time now, I realized he kept it going for some selfish reason, at my expense, but I have never been sure of what his agenda actually is, for his doing that to me. He almost always seemed to do it in front of others, apparently to discredit me, for whatever his reason. Perhaps just for his ego.

People often make this mistake with me, then wonder why I change toward them.

I held my temper, and my tongue, about it, far, far, far, longer than I should have, but when I finally lost my temper at him about it, he acted like the victim, then, too, and blamed me, as if he didn't have that coming, for how badly, and unfairly, he had been treating me, for so long. Personally, I think he is a chauvinist, and a misogynist, at heart. I also began to notice, whenever I would read things about narcissists online, that he almost always matched what that was describing. That was the scariest realization of all, because a narcissist will intentionally set out to destroy a person, their self-esteem, their life, and their happiness, out of whatever egotistical reasons, that they convince themselves, due to their own deep-seated insecurities, that they are entitled to do that, to their target. He seemed to enjoy subjecting me to his unfair accusations, and he did so often with a smirk on his face, like it was some fun game to him that he was really enjoying at my expense.

 

But I just gave it all to God, who knows the full truth about everything, and have done my best to go on with my own life, which he is not directly a part of. That's another reason I want to find my 'Mr. Right', finally. With, that, man, in my life, I couldn't keep being accused of things, anymore, that I am not feeling, or doing.

 

Even so, precisely because feelings are complicated, this man, that has been doing all this to me, is one of only a couple of people who have affected me so deeply that they have actually changed who I am as a person, forever, in both good ways (believe it or not) and bad ways. The other one of those people was my second husband, Jim. For better, and for worse, it is what it is; or, was. I am glad to be past those romantic emotions, toward both those men, so my heart is fully open to embrace a future with a man that hopefully will not mistreat me, as these two men did, each in their own way. If I don't ever meet such a man-- one that I deserve, that will treat me well-- I will continue to do without, rather than settle for less. My head thinks alot more clearly with all the butterflies gone from my gut, and I know that I would not want either one of these two men, that I loved the most in my life, so far, to be with me, because they would not make me happy. I don't want the type of life that they live, either. It is just not my scene. I prefer alot of alone time, as an introvert. People, in general, are a huge drain, to me. They both like having alot of people around them. I'm very private. I also could never trust either one of those two men again. Without trust, and respect, there can be no love, of any kind, including friendship. I choose to appreciate the good things that they brought into my life, and I try to let go of the bad things; and put it all behind me.

I should have continued trusting my gut, because it's a very good judge of people. Had I done that I could have avoided the whole situation with the accuser. My very first impressions of him were that, he was a chauvinist, had a very condescending streak in him that seemed to come from him being full of himself; that, because of that, or some other reason, he, definitely, didn't respect me; that he did not want to bother to do the right thing by me, if he could possibly avoid it, when I needed his help; that he was very manipulative; not a truthful person; and, at times, was even rather stupid. When my feelings did change toward him, in spite of all these things, it was partly because he began to behave very differently toward me, and he has a powerful, practiced, charm, that he used to weave his spell on me. Even so it was primarily a physical attraction to his manliness, for me. l'm also a sucker (clearly) for anyone who makes me laugh-- which, he managed to do, quite often.

I was excited to see myself start falling in love with David-- the man I met online, not long ago, on a singles' dating website. I was so hopeful that he was 'the one'! We talked about anything and everything, we made one another laugh, we were sexually turned on by one another. It was a mutual attraction that seemed to be blossoming into real love. I was brokenhearted, when it fell apart, with him, just before we were finally going to meet in person, because I found out that he was doing 'the typical man thing' of telling me some things that he wasn't really honest about, in order to 'get lucky' with me. I was shocked, because I had always been completely honest with him about everything, and thought he was doing the same. I was also hurt, and angry, about it. I had told him how important respecting me, and being honest with me, was, to me, and that if a man didn't do those things toward me it was a deal breaker. There would be no romantic relationship. David had given me his phone number, just before this happened that it fell apart with us, because we were actually making the plans for him to come stay with me that upcoming weekend. I never called him, though, after that, even though I have missed him and thought of him so often, ever since then. I can't seem to forget about David. Sometimes, I am tempted to call him. But then, I don't, because I told him clearly how imperative it was that he respect me and be honest with me, and he missed the mark, with those things. I have to stay strong, and let it go. 

I have high standards for any man that I would ever be willing to give my heart to. I am more casual with my body, meaning that I would have sex with a man, that I was attracted to, and had a strong chemistry with, even if I was not in love with him. That was not the case, years ago, when I had convinced myself, due to my religious upbringing, that I had to be in love-- or at least have the intent to get married to the man-- to have sex with them. That stern and stuffy puritanical morality imposed its suffocating straitjacket on my personal fulfillment, and led to my having several divorces. It was male-patriarchy-created-religiosity, largely to get, and control, women, rearing its ugly head, to get women to compromise what we really want and need, in order to have a man in our lives and our bed, and it caused me alot of grief, in the past, when I tried to abide by it, because I ended up with the short end of that deal; every time. That is why I say in my singles' site profiles that I have no interest in being married again. Ever. I was very attracted to David (still am; sigh!) and was already starting to fall in love with him. So, we very likely would have had sex had he come here to meet me the weekend that it all fell apart. I haven't been able to get David, or that fact, out of my mind. I just keep consoling myself that I found out just in time to avoid another heartbreak. It would never work out, between me and any man that does not respect me; which includes, being honest with me, and treating me well, among other things. I knew I was far too attracted to David to resist going back into it with him, if he tried to get with me, after it fell apart, so I deleted my profile on that website. I still have my other profile, on another singles' dating website, and in my Inbox, just today, there were four, new, men, messaging me. One even looks somewhat promising! 

I am really picky because I know what I am worth, so it's really hard for me to find someone that I want to be with. I am encouraged, by finding-- two!-- good guys, from this online search, for love and sex, already, though, in Joe and David, even though those didn't work out, when it came to meeting one another. Joe was just plain hot. He pushed EVERY button with me, as far as being a total sexual turn-on. But, David had more depth to him, and he was attractive, which is why he was the one of the two I started falling for. Maybe, 'the third time's the charm' with this singles' site search! I am very hopeful, optimistic, and excited, about my future prospects for finding the romantic fulfillment that I have never, really, found, in my life. The closest I ever came was with my second husband, Jim, but he still fell far short of someone that I would be willing to spend my life with. So, I divorced him (even though he was great in bed). Regardless of whether I ever find my 'Mr. Right' or not, true feelings-- whatever they are-- JUST ARE. I can't MAKE myself feel love for someone, or stop feeling love for them. It'll either happen, or it won't.

We cannot control what we feel. I don't think that any of us decide, in our heads, what we will feel, about people, or places, etc. Our emotions reflect our honest reaction to how we experience people, places, and things, that come through our lives. I still feel like I am partly in love with David, even though I won't call him, because he lied to me, and I hate that, because it ruins relationships for me when I can't trust someone. I love the beach, but I have friends that don't like it at all. I hate pasta, while it seems that most people love it. I did not plan to hate pasta, or try to hate pasta. I just feel a genuine dislike for pasta. When we encounter people or experience things, our feelings-- whatever those are-- just naturally occur in us, as a consequence of how that affected us. I hope I get to experience mutual love!

How can I deeply love someone, whom I later feel nothing at all for, but wariness, distrust, and resentment? The answer to that question seems to me to be that we only know other people in the way(s) that they choose to reveal themselves to us, by how they behave, which triggers emotions in us that we can't control, one way or the other. Those feelings are just our natural reaction to what the other person decides to show us about who they are. That emotional reaction that we have, to how we perceive them, is subject to change if and when what they show us about themselves changes. If we believe someone is being truthful with us, and later we discover that they lied to us, it profoundly affects how we feel toward that person.

I have been fooled, and betrayed, by people, that I truly cared about, causing me to be 'once bitten, twice shy' in regard to them going forward (compound that, for multiple 'bites', from some of them, including friends that I gave my full trust to-- which was a huge compliment to them-- only to realize that my doing so was a big mistake). I am to the point, now, that I really wonder, is anyone, or anything, ever really, who, or what, we think they are? It amazes me, that we can go from loving someone, even more than any other person on the planet that we've ever known, and then find ourselves wondering if we ever, really, knew them, at all. Even more than that, it's like they've become some kind of stranger to us, now, that we don't know, and that we don't think, now, that we even want to know. Feelings changed.

Miscellany About Me

It is late afternoon on Wednesday, the day of the week that I try to post here on my Blog. This will be the thirteenth week in a row that I have managed that, although I am not certain, as I move forward with this, that I will always be able to keep that pace publishing these posts. There isn't nearly as much of a conflict in my time management when I am sitting here writing these posts during the weeks of Winter or early Spring, when the weather is cold and often dreary and Mother Nature is not yet beckoning me to come outside and dance for joy with her at the signs of new life bursting forth everywhere once again. As we move into late Spring now, and soon Summer, God Willing, there are many other time-and-energy-consuming activities for me to experience and explore, such as arts & crafts festivals, live music performances in the parks, outings to the zoo, and leisurely walks along the Missouri riverfront. I want to make homemade ice cream, once the luscious Summer fruits are ripe and juicy, and I have promised one of my homemade chocolate cakes to the neighbors here, at some point, which have been raved about before by neighbors and staff at other places I have lived who requested seconds, thirds, and even the recipe! (My own favorite cake I love to make and eat is my Orange cake, with fresh-squeezed orange juice in both the batter and the icing. Yum!) 

Time just seems to fly by so fast for me anymore, though, and there are even both spiritual and scientific theories as to why that is. Some say that God is hastening the End Times, based on verses in Matthew 24 and other scriptures. Some scientific theories state that technology in our lives is simply speeding up our perception of time, while others refer to Einstein's theory to explain that time itself is actually speeding up. Having a sense of humor, and holding my life with an open hand (because, after all, it is actually more in God's than in mine), I say that the older we get the faster time seems to fly, which therefore must also explain why senior citizens are more prone to dizzy spells as we age! LOL While my blogging is important to me, I also conscientiously try to maintain a well-balanced lifestyle as much as possible, which simply staying indoors typing away on my posts would not be. This. is. hard. work. No doubt about it. Preparing some of these posts has been seriously draining, for me, due to my having to bring to the forefront of my consciousness some extremely difficult subjects, to which emotions are attached, and then keep them there awhile, as in 'however long it takes' in order for me to be able to describe them here the best that I can. I have had to recuperate from reliving some things that I wrote about here in my Blog. Yet, at the same time, I have felt a release within my spirit once I have finished each post and published it, like a purging for my soul. That factor has encouraged me to continue with my blogging, even when it has felt emotionally overwhelming to me at times.

In the same way that God has given me poems to pen, songs to sing, and sermons and other teachings, many of which I have put in my Christian newsletters, it was also Him Who originally Led me to begin this Blog. I prayed about that when I first sensed it, because there are so many other things that I am trying to accomplish right now in my life which I am already focusing on. Then I waited on His counsel, to be sure about it, as I knew that a Blog would be both time consuming and emotionally taxing, for me, to say the least. God is all wise, so I have learned to fully trust, and even deeply appreciate, His Leading. Since this Blog was first begun, the Lord has always let me know in my spirit, usually at least several days in advance, what each current post is to be about, causing me to then ruminate, remember, and record exactly what I need to share here in order to fulfill that specific assignment. As I begin to type, His Holy Spirit also gives me the ability to deal directly with the subject matter, while strengthening me through the trials and tribulations which I have experienced as I do this, all of which has often been extremely difficult for me. With each post, I have simply followed His Lead, knowing that I could not cover some of these topics at all without the unction He has provided me to do so. 

This post is the only one, so far, that I still didn't know what its topic was to be even as I sat down here at my PC to prepare it, although I did feel that I was supposed to write one. This being very unusual, I wondered some about that, as the days passed, and then today arrived, without me having had any revelation or insight into what I was to share here. I wasn't unnerved by that at all, though, because I live and move and have my being within my relationship with my God. I knew that He knew, even when I didn't, and that 'in due time' He would let me know what I needed to know, even if it came down to 'the last minute', or beyond that! God knows EXACTLY what He is doing. He isn't worried. He isn't unsure. He isn't unprepared. So, in His hands as I am, neither am I! As is described in Matthew 10:19, when one finds oneself in a situation that requires effective communication in the moment, "do not worry about what you are going to say or how you will say it; when the time comes, you will be given what you will say." There are even times, in my doing this Blog, that I have said to the Holy Spirit, "I need You to write this, through me, as I cannot do this on my own ability."

So, earlier today, I took a shower, did three loads of laundry, had a conversation with a robin out on my patio, and waited on God to Lead me. When late afternoon arrived, I sat down here, turned on my PC, and simply asked Him, "Okay, Lord, what is it that You want me to write about today?" His reply, in my spirit, was equally simple. "I want you to write about you." So, I picked up some of my old poems, as they wait for their turn to hopefully be included in my Blog, but felt the Holy Spirit check me in my spirit, saying, 'This is not the day for those'. Then, I opened my Christian Newsletter/Sermon notebook, as I still have not felt Led to include even one of those here on my Blog, as yet, and thought this might finally be the time to do so; but again I felt the Lord saying, 'Not today', for that. So, searching my heart, I then recalled that yesterday I had a thought that I did feel moved to share here, and this time I also had peace about going in that direction with this Blog post, so I shall! Colossians 3:15 says "Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were Called . . . ." Another translation of that verse is one of my favorite ways of looking at this teaching: "And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [member's of Christ's] one body you were also Called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]." So, this is on my heart to say today:

As I watched the national newscast yesterday evening, which showed the areas currently having severe storms and tornadoes, I had a thought about this dangerous situation that so many people are currently facing. Regarding our time on Earth, with all its uncertainty and fragility, there is one thought that summarizes it in such a way as to bring it into perspective: For each of us, whatever it is that we are experiencing during our life on Earth is as BAD as it will EVER be, for us, IF we are going to spend Eternity with God! But for the non-believer, the life that they live on this Earth is a GOOD as it will EVER be, for them. My worst days, as a Christian, are still FAR better than the BEST days of someone that is living their life, and facing Eternity, without the Lord as their Savior. 

On today's newscast, it was reported that a woman, sound asleep in her bed overnight, was killed when one of the tornadoes ripped her home apart, ending her life on Earth in the process. As I saw the video of that devastation, my thought was, 'I pray that her soul was right with God'. As a believer, she would now have begun experiencing the rest of and the BEST of her (eternal) life! I have read and studied about many peoples' NDEs, and those who spent some time in Heaven (before returning to their bodies and this earthly life, to tell about it) most often say that, having been there and experienced that fullness of peace, health, vitality, and joy, they did not want to ever leave there or to return to their life on Earth, even if their life here had been a very good and enjoyable one by human standards. Unless one is included in the Rapture of the Church, in the End Times, it is simply a FACT that NO ONE gets out of THIS life ALIVE! We all, each, face Eternity. Life is as fragile as our next breath and heartbeat, needed to keep us here in our physical body. Moment by moment, that is ALL that stands between each one of us and whatever Eternity we have chosen, by our own Free Will, to experience. I have said it before and I will continue to say this: I don't know how ANYONE gets through THIS life, OR faces the NEXT, without the Lord! The ONLY guarantees about life are: we WILL die, and we WILL experience Eternity SOMEWHERE.

It comforts me, especially through my heartache and grief I have had in my Earthly life, and when there are tornadoes striking, to KNOW THAT I KNOW that the WORST of my life is ALL HERE ON EARTH, and that the BEST IS ALL AHEAD OF ME, which I will also experience FOREVER. Even my BEST days here on Earth will someday pale greatly in comparison to my life, as a believer, in Eternity. So, the best thing I can do for now is to take comfort in knowing that I am God's, and that He holds me lovingly in His care, as I focus on following His Lead, and undertaking, and hopefully completing, my course which He has set before me. I am on Earth for His purposes. [Reference 2 Timothy 4 and Romans 8]

For the remainder of this post I will share some of the various sayings that I have placed throughout my apartment, which encourage, inspire, remind, or warn me. These are on my refrigerator, on plaques on my walls, on shelves of my bookcase, and are even taped to the inside of my front door, because they have significance to ME, based on how my life on Earth has unfolded and impacted me and my development as a person. THIS person. For this post my assignment was to talk about me, which therefore should also include descriptions of those things in my life which resonate with and reflect me, revealing who I am, and what I feel, as 'ME'. Each one of these truly represents my values, my personality, and my heart, in some way or other. Their presence in my home demonstrates what is truly important to me about life.

From the front of my fridge:

[a magnet] "Jesus Loves You . . . but I'm His Favorite!" (while not biblically sound doctrine, in that God is no respecter of persons, there are nevertheless days when I have a little fun with myself reading this. Reference Romans 2:11 - 16 and Acts 10:25 - 37)

[a magnet] "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.- Anatole France" (God sent CeeBee, my cockatiel, into my life, and changed it for the better forever! Because of the deep, pure love that we shared together, I need to tell this beautiful story in one of my posts here, when the Lord tells me it is the time to do that. I still, and will, have pictures of CeeBee throughout my apartment, despite his leaving his Earthsuit the Summer of 2011. CeeBee, and my Aunt Gladys, are now the only family photos that I have displayed in my home. Looking at them always fills me with joy, warmth, and love! They also both represent God, and His Love shown me through them, as excellent ambassadors of the Lord. I am deeply blessed to have had them in my life on Earth! Also, when people visit, they inevitably ask questions about photos I have displayed in my apartment, which has led to my not being able to answer those questions, or in a positive way, at times, depending on the photos, so I eliminated that problem recently by putting all other photos away in a closet. I felt no joy viewing those photos, anymore, anyway, so why leave heartache staring me in the face, for no reason, and risk having to respond to inquiries that would only further stir up that sadness? I don't live that way. I like for my home to reflect all that is me and all that is true. My home reflects my love of God, and His for me, and is a safe and nurturing environment for me.)

[a magnet] "Meals in this kitchen seasoned with love." (Even when I order Schwan's home delivery foods, at times, to fill up my freezer and make my meal planning easy, instead of doing my home cooking which I also enjoy, I still add my own spices and flavorings, et cetera, to 'make it my own'.)

[a xeroxed cartoon, showing two dumbfounded Polar Bear parents looking at their cub, all standing in an arctic landscape, with their baby asserting his own feelings and identity which does not match theirs, despite their apparent efforts to influence this little one to conform] (The cub, standing his ground, saying to them) "I don't care what you say--- I'm cold!"

[a small scrap of paper torn from a magazine at some point in my past:] "It is important to act in your own self-interest, not based on negative self-critical thoughts. Taking action in your own self-interest can help combat these thoughts. Make a list of the activities and people who bring you joy. Then, make a list of those that bring negative emotions. Take your own side and spend the majority of your time with people and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself."

[a small scrap of paper from some publication] "Green tea is a great antioxidant that is 200 times more powerful than vitamin E and 500 times more powerful than vitamin C. Instead of choosing coffee or regular tea, choose green tea."

[a small scrap of paper torn from some article in newsprint] "I think it's very critical that God's people hold to the standard of Scripture--- and that standard is pretty absolute. It doesn't give us alot of room for wiggle"

[a small scrap of paper from some magazine article] "Quindlen encourages her readers to lay down their backpacks full of bricks, forget the expectations of friends, family and society, and follow their hearts."

From the plaques on my walls:

"I saw that. - God" (LOL; so TRUE though. He DOES SEE and KNOW ALL!)

"TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART Prov 3:5"

From various papers I sat on my bookcase:

[An old daily calendar page that so resonated with me that I kept it all these years and placed it on my bookshelf along with my books] "Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. - Anonymous"

[from a small, plain cardboard Christmas card, made by a young child for their church's food pantry, which was attached to a bag of food and necessities that I got at the Lutheran church pantry several years ago when I was destitute. Inside the card, the little child had drawn only a star, shaped more like a cross with 4 points, in yellow crayon. The back of the card had a printed sticker: "May God Bless you This Holiday Season! Kountze Memorial and St. Michael's Lutheran Food Pantry Volunteers." The front of the card is the reason it so touched me that I saved it and have kept it out in plain view in my apartment all the years since. The small child drew a smiling angel with a halo and wings in black crayon. Then, above that, in yellow crayon, the little one wrote] "Remember Gowd\gesus (or jesus;  : )  it's hard to tell) love you". I even photographed it and made that the screen background for a cell phone because it is probably THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that any person NEEDS to KNOW! And, like the little child said, "Remember"!

[from a small card] "Serenity Prayer God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr"

[from an old daily calendar page] "The Dilemma of Life Do we desire to be with Christ in the resurrection? It seems that most of us are not waiting for this new life but instead are doing everything possible to prolong our mortal lives. Still, as we grow more deeply into the spiritual life--- the life in communion with our risen Lord--- we gradually get in touch with our desire to move through the gate of death into eternal life with Christ. This is no death wish but a desire for the fulfillment of all desires. Paul strongly experienced that desire. He writes, 'Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would be a positive gain . . . I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and to be with Christ, and this is by far the stronger desire--- and yet for your sake to stay alive in this body is a more urgent need' (Philippians 1:21-24). This is a dilemma that few of us have, but it lays bare the core of the spiritual struggle."

[I have two separate papers on my bookcase showing the various names of God. From one of them] "THE NAMES OF GOD REVEAL THE NATURE OF GOD . . . Jehovah El Shaddai God our supplier (= the God of More Than Enough!) Jehovah-Nissi God my Banner Elohim God our Creator Jehovah-Tsidkenu God my Righteousness Jehovah-Rapha God my Healer Jehovah-Jireh God my Provider Jehovah-Rohi God my Shepherd Jehovah Our Eternal God Jehovah-Shalom God my Peace Adonai Master, Lord Jehovah-M'kadesh God my Sanctifier Jehovah-Shammah God the Abiding Presence"

From various papers I taped on the inside of my front door:

"If people don't treat you well, they shouldn't be in your life in any way. - #METOO & Men/man on CBS news"

"The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7"

[a copy of the Ani Lo teaching from my copy of Rabbi Jonathan Cahn's book "The Book Of Mysteries"] (Ani Lo means "I am His." I LOVE that I belong to God! He IS my life, my everything, and my all in all! 1 Corinthians 15:28)

I cannot find one of my favorites now, since my last move into this apartment, that I tore from a magazine many years ago because for me it is VERY TRUE, and explains well why I have chosen to remain single and uninvolved with any man: "Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." I hope to do at least one post sometime, if not more, to cover all the subject matter about my years working as an exotic dancer in nightclubs and what that was like, et cetera. This little saying, that I just quoted here, ALWAYS made me think of those days, especially, because, in the dressing room, the dancers were ALWAYS complaining about men being so STUPID, and, since sitting with the customers (between my dances on stage) was a job requirement (because it sells the drinks that paid my base salary, apart from the tips I was given), it became a funny kind of epidemic to hear ALMOST EVERY GUY describe their problems with women in their life as being because "SHE IS JUST CRAZY!!!" There's alot more to that, with these guys who say this, which is another story for another time here.

Still, I admit, as a woman, that I WAS THE STUPID ONE (partly because of my not knowing ALL that I know NOW) TO HAVE EVER LET ANY MAN INTO MY LIFE AT ALL, in any close or intimate way, when I was younger and had been sold that dangerous (and even almost deadly, for me) stereotype that 'Someday my Prince will come' and bring me a 'Happily Ever After'. Disney has been changing that stereotype somewhat in its newer movies, at least, and making more females the heroine of their own story, which is as it should be!

I honestly thought that the JOY of becoming a Senior Citizen would be that men wouldn't try to get in my life anymore (which really, for them, means my pants, as they keep making clear to me even now). But I have even had to SHUT DOWN my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, here at this apartment, for coming on to me sexually, several times, despite my stopping that each time he has tried it, during the past month. Ugh. I AM NOT INTERESTED! Men COST me WAY MORE than they EVER gave me, and in so many ways, once they came into my life. If I had only known, I believe that I would have remained a virgin, staying celibate for my entire life!

I had a good friend and mentor, named Vivian Gulleen, when I was in my late twenties. She was a Senior Citizen at that time. We went to the same church, and were connected to one another by the pastor after I went to him for counseling once and he heard some of what I was going through back then. Vivian had been a missionary in a foreign country, until retiring and returning to the States where she had some family. She had lived an interesting, fulfilling life, and had died a virgin. She told me she never found any man that could love her like she saw her parents love one another, so she never married. I didn't have a positive parental example, including of a loving couple, as she did. I think that my situation in my upbringing had alot to do with why I sought 'love' in any form I felt I could find it, even if it was only 'crumbs' or was a really poor substitute for REAL love. I DID LEARN MY LESSON, finally, though, and have turned down EVERY man offering me an ongoing personal 'relationship' with them, ever since my last divorce in my thirties. I won't 'put out', for them, either! I got so used up by men that I have nothing left to offer them. Good thing, too; for ME.

I literally THANK GOD on a REGULAR BASIS that I am SINGLE and DONE with all that bull crap that men brought into my life with them! The Bible says that the Lord will be my Husband, and it is WONDERFUL to belong to, and with, someone that is ALWAYS TRUTHFUL, NEVER HURTS OR HARMS ME IN ANY WAY, CAN'T GIVE ME SOME STD, et cetera. Males have SO NOT BEEN WORTH IT, in MY life! But, for now, enough about ME. I fulfilled this week's post assignment, being myself as I am in truth, for better or worse. I don't attempt to be anything other than exactly who and what I am, because God knows every thing about me, and I live before Him. He knows even better than I do why I became as I am, and why I feel as I do about things. I hope to do a post, at some point, on all the 'straws placed on the camel's back' that led to my developing my very low opinion of men in general. I do have men friends, and enjoy that, unless or until they 'come on to' me, which happens more than it doesn't. Then, seeing what their end game is in our relationship, I shut it down. I am always very open and honest with them that I will ONLY be a FRIEND; NOTHING ELSE! The overall QUALITY of my life IMPROVED GREATLY once I did NOT allow ANY man to get into my PRIVATE life anymore! I just wish I had known to do this when I was younger! I would have CUT ALOT OF LOSSES in my life. Better late than never!

I have one additional item to share here, from a small piece of paper, that I really like and have kept over the years: "The Single Woman: Freedom comes when you realize that not everyone needs to like you! Insecurity asks "Do you like me?" Confidence asks "Do I like you?" The latter of these criteria is how I live my life. However, at times people MISTAKE my showing them a caring concern (which is solely based on my living my Faith before God and NOTHING MORE, because of my own burnout) as my personally being some kind of a 'chump' that they can either disrespect or take advantage of. Only a certain type of person thinks and responds this way, not even realizing what the truth even is about me or the situation between us, or that this reflects badly on them, rather than on me, because God knows all hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). So, they make a BIG MISTAKE! I don't even really LIKE human beings, in general, anymore, after ODing on their BULLCRAP. Genesis 6:5-7 even describes God Himself having similar feelings toward the human race, for the same reason that I feel as I do. Some I do still care for and about; primarily friends, and always based on the fact that I can respect and trust them. Also, they show me respect, and appreciate me for who I am, both seeing and acknowledging my good qualities. In general, though, I'm happier talking to my houseplants than to people!

I continue to feel the emotional 'tire tracks across my back' from those that have been in my life and run me down in some way or other. If God were not the very center, the very heart, of my life, or didn't matter enough to me to make a real difference in my choices, I am sure that my life's outcome would not even be as good as it is now. I HATE injustice, abuse, and lies. Because of those things, especially, I developed a bad temper due to my deep anger at this crap being done toward me throughout my life. People who think they know me, but don't (much to their own surprise), are genuinely shocked to find out this is even in me, because I do manage to genuinely lead with the Lord and His love in my interactions with others most of the time. Paul described this as 'becoming all things to all people' for the cause of Christ (1 Corinthians 9:22). If I personally lose respect for someone, or find that I can't trust them, it becomes death to any future relationship between us. I don't participate in relational interactions if trust and respect, either way between us, are missing. It just isn't healthy for me.