Time just seems to fly by so fast for me anymore, though, and there are even both spiritual and scientific theories as to why that is. Some say that God is hastening the End Times, based on verses in Matthew 24 and other scriptures. Some scientific theories state that technology in our lives is simply speeding up our perception of time, while others refer to Einstein's theory to explain that time itself is actually speeding up. Having a sense of humor, and holding my life with an open hand (because, after all, it is actually more in God's than in mine), I say that the older we get the faster time seems to fly, which therefore must also explain why senior citizens are more prone to dizzy spells as we age! LOL While my blogging is important to me, I also conscientiously try to maintain a well-balanced lifestyle as much as possible, which simply staying indoors typing away on my posts would not be. This. is. hard. work. No doubt about it. Preparing some of these posts has been seriously draining, for me, due to my having to bring to the forefront of my consciousness some extremely difficult subjects, to which emotions are attached, and then keep them there awhile, as in 'however long it takes' in order for me to be able to describe them here the best that I can. I have had to recuperate from reliving some things that I wrote about here in my Blog. Yet, at the same time, I have felt a release within my spirit once I have finished each post and published it, like a purging for my soul. That factor has encouraged me to continue with my blogging, even when it has felt emotionally overwhelming to me at times.
In the same way that God has given me poems to pen, songs to sing, and sermons and other teachings, many of which I have put in my Christian newsletters, it was also Him Who originally Led me to begin this Blog. I prayed about that when I first sensed it, because there are so many other things that I am trying to accomplish right now in my life which I am already focusing on. Then I waited on His counsel, to be sure about it, as I knew that a Blog would be both time consuming and emotionally taxing, for me, to say the least. God is all wise, so I have learned to fully trust, and even deeply appreciate, His Leading. Since this Blog was first begun, the Lord has always let me know in my spirit, usually at least several days in advance, what each current post is to be about, causing me to then ruminate, remember, and record exactly what I need to share here in order to fulfill that specific assignment. As I begin to type, His Holy Spirit also gives me the ability to deal directly with the subject matter, while strengthening me through the trials and tribulations which I have experienced as I do this, all of which has often been extremely difficult for me. With each post, I have simply followed His Lead, knowing that I could not cover some of these topics at all without the unction He has provided me to do so.
In the same way that God has given me poems to pen, songs to sing, and sermons and other teachings, many of which I have put in my Christian newsletters, it was also Him Who originally Led me to begin this Blog. I prayed about that when I first sensed it, because there are so many other things that I am trying to accomplish right now in my life which I am already focusing on. Then I waited on His counsel, to be sure about it, as I knew that a Blog would be both time consuming and emotionally taxing, for me, to say the least. God is all wise, so I have learned to fully trust, and even deeply appreciate, His Leading. Since this Blog was first begun, the Lord has always let me know in my spirit, usually at least several days in advance, what each current post is to be about, causing me to then ruminate, remember, and record exactly what I need to share here in order to fulfill that specific assignment. As I begin to type, His Holy Spirit also gives me the ability to deal directly with the subject matter, while strengthening me through the trials and tribulations which I have experienced as I do this, all of which has often been extremely difficult for me. With each post, I have simply followed His Lead, knowing that I could not cover some of these topics at all without the unction He has provided me to do so.
This post is the only one, so far, that I still didn't know what its topic was to be even as I sat down here at my PC to prepare it, although I did feel that I was supposed to write one. This being very unusual, I wondered some about that, as the days passed, and then today arrived, without me having had any revelation or insight into what I was to share here. I wasn't unnerved by that at all, though, because I live and move and have my being within my relationship with my God. I knew that He knew, even when I didn't, and that 'in due time' He would let me know what I needed to know, even if it came down to 'the last minute', or beyond that! God knows EXACTLY what He is doing. He isn't worried. He isn't unsure. He isn't unprepared. So, in His hands as I am, neither am I! As is described in Matthew 10:19, when one finds oneself in a situation that requires effective communication in the moment, "do not worry about what you are going to say or how you will say it; when the time comes, you will be given what you will say." There are even times, in my doing this Blog, that I have said to the Holy Spirit, "I need You to write this, through me, as I cannot do this on my own ability."
So, earlier today, I took a shower, did three loads of laundry, had a conversation with a robin out on my patio, and waited on God to Lead me. When late afternoon arrived, I sat down here, turned on my PC, and simply asked Him, "Okay, Lord, what is it that You want me to write about today?" His reply, in my spirit, was equally simple. "I want you to write about you." So, I picked up some of my old poems, as they wait for their turn to hopefully be included in my Blog, but felt the Holy Spirit check me in my spirit, saying, 'This is not the day for those'. Then, I opened my Christian Newsletter/Sermon notebook, as I still have not felt Led to include even one of those here on my Blog, as yet, and thought this might finally be the time to do so; but again I felt the Lord saying, 'Not today', for that. So, searching my heart, I then recalled that yesterday I had a thought that I did feel moved to share here, and this time I also had peace about going in that direction with this Blog post, so I shall! Colossians 3:15 says "Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were Called . . . ." Another translation of that verse is one of my favorite ways of looking at this teaching: "And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [member's of Christ's] one body you were also Called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]." So, this is on my heart to say today:
As I watched the national newscast yesterday evening, which showed the areas currently having severe storms and tornadoes, I had a thought about this dangerous situation that so many people are currently facing. Regarding our time on Earth, with all its uncertainty and fragility, there is one thought that summarizes it in such a way as to bring it into perspective: For each of us, whatever it is that we are experiencing during our life on Earth is as BAD as it will EVER be, for us, IF we are going to spend Eternity with God! But for the non-believer, the life that they live on this Earth is a GOOD as it will EVER be, for them. My worst days, as a Christian, are still FAR better than the BEST days of someone that is living their life, and facing Eternity, without the Lord as their Savior.
So, earlier today, I took a shower, did three loads of laundry, had a conversation with a robin out on my patio, and waited on God to Lead me. When late afternoon arrived, I sat down here, turned on my PC, and simply asked Him, "Okay, Lord, what is it that You want me to write about today?" His reply, in my spirit, was equally simple. "I want you to write about you." So, I picked up some of my old poems, as they wait for their turn to hopefully be included in my Blog, but felt the Holy Spirit check me in my spirit, saying, 'This is not the day for those'. Then, I opened my Christian Newsletter/Sermon notebook, as I still have not felt Led to include even one of those here on my Blog, as yet, and thought this might finally be the time to do so; but again I felt the Lord saying, 'Not today', for that. So, searching my heart, I then recalled that yesterday I had a thought that I did feel moved to share here, and this time I also had peace about going in that direction with this Blog post, so I shall! Colossians 3:15 says "Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were Called . . . ." Another translation of that verse is one of my favorite ways of looking at this teaching: "And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [member's of Christ's] one body you were also Called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]." So, this is on my heart to say today:
As I watched the national newscast yesterday evening, which showed the areas currently having severe storms and tornadoes, I had a thought about this dangerous situation that so many people are currently facing. Regarding our time on Earth, with all its uncertainty and fragility, there is one thought that summarizes it in such a way as to bring it into perspective: For each of us, whatever it is that we are experiencing during our life on Earth is as BAD as it will EVER be, for us, IF we are going to spend Eternity with God! But for the non-believer, the life that they live on this Earth is a GOOD as it will EVER be, for them. My worst days, as a Christian, are still FAR better than the BEST days of someone that is living their life, and facing Eternity, without the Lord as their Savior.
On today's newscast, it was reported that a woman, sound asleep in her bed overnight, was killed when one of the tornadoes ripped her home apart, ending her life on Earth in the process. As I saw the video of that devastation, my thought was, 'I pray that her soul was right with God'. As a believer, she would now have begun experiencing the rest of and the BEST of her (eternal) life! I have read and studied about many peoples' NDEs, and those who spent some time in Heaven (before returning to their bodies and this earthly life, to tell about it) most often say that, having been there and experienced that fullness of peace, health, vitality, and joy, they did not want to ever leave there or to return to their life on Earth, even if their life here had been a very good and enjoyable one by human standards. Unless one is included in the Rapture of the Church, in the End Times, it is simply a FACT that NO ONE gets out of THIS life ALIVE! We all, each, face Eternity. Life is as fragile as our next breath and heartbeat, needed to keep us here in our physical body. Moment by moment, that is ALL that stands between each one of us and whatever Eternity we have chosen, by our own Free Will, to experience. I have said it before and I will continue to say this: I don't know how ANYONE gets through THIS life, OR faces the NEXT, without the Lord! The ONLY guarantees about life are: we WILL die, and we WILL experience Eternity SOMEWHERE.
It comforts me, especially through my heartache and grief I have had in my Earthly life, and when there are tornadoes striking, to KNOW THAT I KNOW that the WORST of my life is ALL HERE ON EARTH, and that the BEST IS ALL AHEAD OF ME, which I will also experience FOREVER. Even my BEST days here on Earth will someday pale greatly in comparison to my life, as a believer, in Eternity. So, the best thing I can do for now is to take comfort in knowing that I am God's, and that He holds me lovingly in His care, as I focus on following His Lead, and undertaking, and hopefully completing, my course which He has set before me. I am on Earth for His purposes. [Reference 2 Timothy 4 and Romans 8]
For the remainder of this post I will share some of the various sayings that I have placed throughout my apartment, which encourage, inspire, remind, or warn me. These are on my refrigerator, on plaques on my walls, on shelves of my bookcase, and are even taped to the inside of my front door, because they have significance to ME, based on how my life on Earth has unfolded and impacted me and my development as a person. THIS person. For this post my assignment was to talk about me, which therefore should also include descriptions of those things in my life which resonate with and reflect me, revealing who I am, and what I feel, as 'ME'. Each one of these truly represents my values, my personality, and my heart, in some way or other. Their presence in my home demonstrates what is truly important to me about life.
From the front of my fridge:
[a magnet] "Jesus Loves You . . . but I'm His Favorite!" (while not biblically sound doctrine, in that God is no respecter of persons, there are nevertheless days when I have a little fun with myself reading this. Reference Romans 2:11 - 16 and Acts 10:25 - 37)
[a magnet] "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.- Anatole France" (God sent CeeBee, my cockatiel, into my life, and changed it for the better forever! Because of the deep, pure love that we shared together, I need to tell this beautiful story in one of my posts here, when the Lord tells me it is the time to do that. I still, and will, have pictures of CeeBee throughout my apartment, despite his leaving his Earthsuit the Summer of 2011. CeeBee, and my Aunt Gladys, are now the only family photos that I have displayed in my home. Looking at them always fills me with joy, warmth, and love! They also both represent God, and His Love shown me through them, as excellent ambassadors of the Lord. I am deeply blessed to have had them in my life on Earth! Also, when people visit, they inevitably ask questions about photos I have displayed in my apartment, which has led to my not being able to answer those questions, or in a positive way, at times, depending on the photos, so I eliminated that problem recently by putting all other photos away in a closet. I felt no joy viewing those photos, anymore, anyway, so why leave heartache staring me in the face, for no reason, and risk having to respond to inquiries that would only further stir up that sadness? I don't live that way. I like for my home to reflect all that is me and all that is true. My home reflects my love of God, and His for me, and is a safe and nurturing environment for me.)
[a magnet] "Meals in this kitchen seasoned with love." (Even when I order Schwan's home delivery foods, at times, to fill up my freezer and make my meal planning easy, instead of doing my home cooking which I also enjoy, I still add my own spices and flavorings, et cetera, to 'make it my own'.)
[a xeroxed cartoon, showing two dumbfounded Polar Bear parents looking at their cub, all standing in an arctic landscape, with their baby asserting his own feelings and identity which does not match theirs, despite their apparent efforts to influence this little one to conform] (The cub, standing his ground, saying to them) "I don't care what you say--- I'm cold!"
[a small scrap of paper torn from a magazine at some point in my past:] "It is important to act in your own self-interest, not based on negative self-critical thoughts. Taking action in your own self-interest can help combat these thoughts. Make a list of the activities and people who bring you joy. Then, make a list of those that bring negative emotions. Take your own side and spend the majority of your time with people and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself."
[a small scrap of paper from some publication] "Green tea is a great antioxidant that is 200 times more powerful than vitamin E and 500 times more powerful than vitamin C. Instead of choosing coffee or regular tea, choose green tea."
[a small scrap of paper torn from some article in newsprint] "I think it's very critical that God's people hold to the standard of Scripture--- and that standard is pretty absolute. It doesn't give us alot of room for wiggle"
[a small scrap of paper from some magazine article] "Quindlen encourages her readers to lay down their backpacks full of bricks, forget the expectations of friends, family and society, and follow their hearts."
From the plaques on my walls:
"I saw that. - God" (LOL; so TRUE though. He DOES SEE and KNOW ALL!)
"TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART Prov 3:5"
From various papers I sat on my bookcase:
[An old daily calendar page that so resonated with me that I kept it all these years and placed it on my bookshelf along with my books] "Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. - Anonymous"
[from a small, plain cardboard Christmas card, made by a young child for their church's food pantry, which was attached to a bag of food and necessities that I got at the Lutheran church pantry several years ago when I was destitute. Inside the card, the little child had drawn only a star, shaped more like a cross with 4 points, in yellow crayon. The back of the card had a printed sticker: "May God Bless you This Holiday Season! Kountze Memorial and St. Michael's Lutheran Food Pantry Volunteers." The front of the card is the reason it so touched me that I saved it and have kept it out in plain view in my apartment all the years since. The small child drew a smiling angel with a halo and wings in black crayon. Then, above that, in yellow crayon, the little one wrote] "Remember Gowd\gesus (or jesus; : ) it's hard to tell) love you". I even photographed it and made that the screen background for a cell phone because it is probably THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that any person NEEDS to KNOW! And, like the little child said, "Remember"!
[from a small card] "Serenity Prayer God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr"
[from an old daily calendar page] "The Dilemma of Life Do we desire to be with Christ in the resurrection? It seems that most of us are not waiting for this new life but instead are doing everything possible to prolong our mortal lives. Still, as we grow more deeply into the spiritual life--- the life in communion with our risen Lord--- we gradually get in touch with our desire to move through the gate of death into eternal life with Christ. This is no death wish but a desire for the fulfillment of all desires. Paul strongly experienced that desire. He writes, 'Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would be a positive gain . . . I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and to be with Christ, and this is by far the stronger desire--- and yet for your sake to stay alive in this body is a more urgent need' (Philippians 1:21-24). This is a dilemma that few of us have, but it lays bare the core of the spiritual struggle."
[I have two separate papers on my bookcase showing the various names of God. From one of them] "THE NAMES OF GOD REVEAL THE NATURE OF GOD . . . Jehovah El Shaddai God our supplier (= the God of More Than Enough!) Jehovah-Nissi God my Banner Elohim God our Creator Jehovah-Tsidkenu God my Righteousness Jehovah-Rapha God my Healer Jehovah-Jireh God my Provider Jehovah-Rohi God my Shepherd Jehovah Our Eternal God Jehovah-Shalom God my Peace Adonai Master, Lord Jehovah-M'kadesh God my Sanctifier Jehovah-Shammah God the Abiding Presence"
From various papers I taped on the inside of my front door:
"If people don't treat you well, they shouldn't be in your life in any way. - #METOO & Men/man on CBS news"
"The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7"
[a copy of the Ani Lo teaching from my copy of Rabbi Jonathan Cahn's book "The Book Of Mysteries"] (Ani Lo means "I am His." I LOVE that I belong to God! He IS my life, my everything, and my all in all! 1 Corinthians 15:28)
I cannot find one of my favorites now, since my last move into this apartment, that I tore from a magazine many years ago because for me it is VERY TRUE, and explains well why I have chosen to remain single and uninvolved with any man: "Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." I hope to do at least one post sometime, if not more, to cover all the subject matter about my years working as an exotic dancer in nightclubs and what that was like, et cetera. This little saying, that I just quoted here, ALWAYS made me think of those days, especially, because, in the dressing room, the dancers were ALWAYS complaining about men being so STUPID, and, since sitting with the customers (between my dances on stage) was a job requirement (because it sells the drinks that paid my base salary, apart from the tips I was given), it became a funny kind of epidemic to hear ALMOST EVERY GUY describe their problems with women in their life as being because "SHE IS JUST CRAZY!!!" There's alot more to that, with these guys who say this, which is another story for another time here.
Still, I admit, as a woman, that I WAS THE STUPID ONE (partly because of my not knowing ALL that I know NOW) TO HAVE EVER LET ANY MAN INTO MY LIFE AT ALL, in any close or intimate way, when I was younger and had been sold that dangerous (and even almost deadly, for me) stereotype that 'Someday my Prince will come' and bring me a 'Happily Ever After'. Disney has been changing that stereotype somewhat in its newer movies, at least, and making more females the heroine of their own story, which is as it should be!
I honestly thought that the JOY of becoming a Senior Citizen would be that men wouldn't try to get in my life anymore (which really, for them, means my pants, as they keep making clear to me even now). But I have even had to SHUT DOWN my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, here at this apartment, for coming on to me sexually, several times, despite my stopping that each time he has tried it, during the past month. Ugh. I AM NOT INTERESTED! Men COST me WAY MORE than they EVER gave me, and in so many ways, once they came into my life. If I had only known, I believe that I would have remained a virgin, staying celibate for my entire life!
I had a good friend and mentor, named Vivian Gulleen, when I was in my late twenties. She was a Senior Citizen at that time. We went to the same church, and were connected to one another by the pastor after I went to him for counseling once and he heard some of what I was going through back then. Vivian had been a missionary in a foreign country, until retiring and returning to the States where she had some family. She had lived an interesting, fulfilling life, and had died a virgin. She told me she never found any man that could love her like she saw her parents love one another, so she never married. I didn't have a positive parental example, including of a loving couple, as she did. I think that my situation in my upbringing had alot to do with why I sought 'love' in any form I felt I could find it, even if it was only 'crumbs' or was a really poor substitute for REAL love. I DID LEARN MY LESSON, finally, though, and have turned down EVERY man offering me an ongoing personal 'relationship' with them, ever since my last divorce in my thirties. I won't 'put out', for them, either! I got so used up by men that I have nothing left to offer them. Good thing, too; for ME.
For the remainder of this post I will share some of the various sayings that I have placed throughout my apartment, which encourage, inspire, remind, or warn me. These are on my refrigerator, on plaques on my walls, on shelves of my bookcase, and are even taped to the inside of my front door, because they have significance to ME, based on how my life on Earth has unfolded and impacted me and my development as a person. THIS person. For this post my assignment was to talk about me, which therefore should also include descriptions of those things in my life which resonate with and reflect me, revealing who I am, and what I feel, as 'ME'. Each one of these truly represents my values, my personality, and my heart, in some way or other. Their presence in my home demonstrates what is truly important to me about life.
From the front of my fridge:
[a magnet] "Jesus Loves You . . . but I'm His Favorite!" (while not biblically sound doctrine, in that God is no respecter of persons, there are nevertheless days when I have a little fun with myself reading this. Reference Romans 2:11 - 16 and Acts 10:25 - 37)
[a magnet] "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.- Anatole France" (God sent CeeBee, my cockatiel, into my life, and changed it for the better forever! Because of the deep, pure love that we shared together, I need to tell this beautiful story in one of my posts here, when the Lord tells me it is the time to do that. I still, and will, have pictures of CeeBee throughout my apartment, despite his leaving his Earthsuit the Summer of 2011. CeeBee, and my Aunt Gladys, are now the only family photos that I have displayed in my home. Looking at them always fills me with joy, warmth, and love! They also both represent God, and His Love shown me through them, as excellent ambassadors of the Lord. I am deeply blessed to have had them in my life on Earth! Also, when people visit, they inevitably ask questions about photos I have displayed in my apartment, which has led to my not being able to answer those questions, or in a positive way, at times, depending on the photos, so I eliminated that problem recently by putting all other photos away in a closet. I felt no joy viewing those photos, anymore, anyway, so why leave heartache staring me in the face, for no reason, and risk having to respond to inquiries that would only further stir up that sadness? I don't live that way. I like for my home to reflect all that is me and all that is true. My home reflects my love of God, and His for me, and is a safe and nurturing environment for me.)
[a magnet] "Meals in this kitchen seasoned with love." (Even when I order Schwan's home delivery foods, at times, to fill up my freezer and make my meal planning easy, instead of doing my home cooking which I also enjoy, I still add my own spices and flavorings, et cetera, to 'make it my own'.)
[a xeroxed cartoon, showing two dumbfounded Polar Bear parents looking at their cub, all standing in an arctic landscape, with their baby asserting his own feelings and identity which does not match theirs, despite their apparent efforts to influence this little one to conform] (The cub, standing his ground, saying to them) "I don't care what you say--- I'm cold!"
[a small scrap of paper torn from a magazine at some point in my past:] "It is important to act in your own self-interest, not based on negative self-critical thoughts. Taking action in your own self-interest can help combat these thoughts. Make a list of the activities and people who bring you joy. Then, make a list of those that bring negative emotions. Take your own side and spend the majority of your time with people and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself."
[a small scrap of paper from some publication] "Green tea is a great antioxidant that is 200 times more powerful than vitamin E and 500 times more powerful than vitamin C. Instead of choosing coffee or regular tea, choose green tea."
[a small scrap of paper torn from some article in newsprint] "I think it's very critical that God's people hold to the standard of Scripture--- and that standard is pretty absolute. It doesn't give us alot of room for wiggle"
[a small scrap of paper from some magazine article] "Quindlen encourages her readers to lay down their backpacks full of bricks, forget the expectations of friends, family and society, and follow their hearts."
From the plaques on my walls:
"I saw that. - God" (LOL; so TRUE though. He DOES SEE and KNOW ALL!)
"TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART Prov 3:5"
From various papers I sat on my bookcase:
[An old daily calendar page that so resonated with me that I kept it all these years and placed it on my bookshelf along with my books] "Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. - Anonymous"
[from a small, plain cardboard Christmas card, made by a young child for their church's food pantry, which was attached to a bag of food and necessities that I got at the Lutheran church pantry several years ago when I was destitute. Inside the card, the little child had drawn only a star, shaped more like a cross with 4 points, in yellow crayon. The back of the card had a printed sticker: "May God Bless you This Holiday Season! Kountze Memorial and St. Michael's Lutheran Food Pantry Volunteers." The front of the card is the reason it so touched me that I saved it and have kept it out in plain view in my apartment all the years since. The small child drew a smiling angel with a halo and wings in black crayon. Then, above that, in yellow crayon, the little one wrote] "Remember Gowd\gesus (or jesus; : ) it's hard to tell) love you". I even photographed it and made that the screen background for a cell phone because it is probably THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that any person NEEDS to KNOW! And, like the little child said, "Remember"!
[from a small card] "Serenity Prayer God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr"
[from an old daily calendar page] "The Dilemma of Life Do we desire to be with Christ in the resurrection? It seems that most of us are not waiting for this new life but instead are doing everything possible to prolong our mortal lives. Still, as we grow more deeply into the spiritual life--- the life in communion with our risen Lord--- we gradually get in touch with our desire to move through the gate of death into eternal life with Christ. This is no death wish but a desire for the fulfillment of all desires. Paul strongly experienced that desire. He writes, 'Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would be a positive gain . . . I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and to be with Christ, and this is by far the stronger desire--- and yet for your sake to stay alive in this body is a more urgent need' (Philippians 1:21-24). This is a dilemma that few of us have, but it lays bare the core of the spiritual struggle."
[I have two separate papers on my bookcase showing the various names of God. From one of them] "THE NAMES OF GOD REVEAL THE NATURE OF GOD . . . Jehovah El Shaddai God our supplier (= the God of More Than Enough!) Jehovah-Nissi God my Banner Elohim God our Creator Jehovah-Tsidkenu God my Righteousness Jehovah-Rapha God my Healer Jehovah-Jireh God my Provider Jehovah-Rohi God my Shepherd Jehovah Our Eternal God Jehovah-Shalom God my Peace Adonai Master, Lord Jehovah-M'kadesh God my Sanctifier Jehovah-Shammah God the Abiding Presence"
From various papers I taped on the inside of my front door:
"If people don't treat you well, they shouldn't be in your life in any way. - #METOO & Men/man on CBS news"
"The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7"
[a copy of the Ani Lo teaching from my copy of Rabbi Jonathan Cahn's book "The Book Of Mysteries"] (Ani Lo means "I am His." I LOVE that I belong to God! He IS my life, my everything, and my all in all! 1 Corinthians 15:28)
I cannot find one of my favorites now, since my last move into this apartment, that I tore from a magazine many years ago because for me it is VERY TRUE, and explains well why I have chosen to remain single and uninvolved with any man: "Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." I hope to do at least one post sometime, if not more, to cover all the subject matter about my years working as an exotic dancer in nightclubs and what that was like, et cetera. This little saying, that I just quoted here, ALWAYS made me think of those days, especially, because, in the dressing room, the dancers were ALWAYS complaining about men being so STUPID, and, since sitting with the customers (between my dances on stage) was a job requirement (because it sells the drinks that paid my base salary, apart from the tips I was given), it became a funny kind of epidemic to hear ALMOST EVERY GUY describe their problems with women in their life as being because "SHE IS JUST CRAZY!!!" There's alot more to that, with these guys who say this, which is another story for another time here.
Still, I admit, as a woman, that I WAS THE STUPID ONE (partly because of my not knowing ALL that I know NOW) TO HAVE EVER LET ANY MAN INTO MY LIFE AT ALL, in any close or intimate way, when I was younger and had been sold that dangerous (and even almost deadly, for me) stereotype that 'Someday my Prince will come' and bring me a 'Happily Ever After'. Disney has been changing that stereotype somewhat in its newer movies, at least, and making more females the heroine of their own story, which is as it should be!
I honestly thought that the JOY of becoming a Senior Citizen would be that men wouldn't try to get in my life anymore (which really, for them, means my pants, as they keep making clear to me even now). But I have even had to SHUT DOWN my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, here at this apartment, for coming on to me sexually, several times, despite my stopping that each time he has tried it, during the past month. Ugh. I AM NOT INTERESTED! Men COST me WAY MORE than they EVER gave me, and in so many ways, once they came into my life. If I had only known, I believe that I would have remained a virgin, staying celibate for my entire life!
I had a good friend and mentor, named Vivian Gulleen, when I was in my late twenties. She was a Senior Citizen at that time. We went to the same church, and were connected to one another by the pastor after I went to him for counseling once and he heard some of what I was going through back then. Vivian had been a missionary in a foreign country, until retiring and returning to the States where she had some family. She had lived an interesting, fulfilling life, and had died a virgin. She told me she never found any man that could love her like she saw her parents love one another, so she never married. I didn't have a positive parental example, including of a loving couple, as she did. I think that my situation in my upbringing had alot to do with why I sought 'love' in any form I felt I could find it, even if it was only 'crumbs' or was a really poor substitute for REAL love. I DID LEARN MY LESSON, finally, though, and have turned down EVERY man offering me an ongoing personal 'relationship' with them, ever since my last divorce in my thirties. I won't 'put out', for them, either! I got so used up by men that I have nothing left to offer them. Good thing, too; for ME.
I literally THANK GOD on a REGULAR BASIS that I am SINGLE and DONE with all that bull crap that men brought into my life with them! The Bible says that the Lord will be my Husband, and it is WONDERFUL to belong to, and with, someone that is ALWAYS TRUTHFUL, NEVER HURTS OR HARMS ME IN ANY WAY, CAN'T GIVE ME SOME STD, et cetera. Males have SO NOT BEEN WORTH IT, in MY life! But, for now, enough about ME. I fulfilled this week's post assignment, being myself as I am in truth, for better or worse. I don't attempt to be anything other than exactly who and what I am, because God knows every thing about me, and I live before Him. He knows even better than I do why I became as I am, and why I feel as I do about things. I hope to do a post, at some point, on all the 'straws placed on the camel's back' that led to my developing my very low opinion of men in general. I do have men friends, and enjoy that, unless or until they 'come on to' me, which happens more than it doesn't. Then, seeing what their end game is in our relationship, I shut it down. I am always very open and honest with them that I will ONLY be a FRIEND; NOTHING ELSE! The overall QUALITY of my life IMPROVED GREATLY once I did NOT allow ANY man to get into my PRIVATE life anymore! I just wish I had known to do this when I was younger! I would have CUT ALOT OF LOSSES in my life. Better late than never!
I have one additional item to share here, from a small piece of paper, that I really like and have kept over the years: "The Single Woman: Freedom comes when you realize that not everyone needs to like you! Insecurity asks "Do you like me?" Confidence asks "Do I like you?" The latter of these criteria is how I live my life. However, at times people MISTAKE my showing them a caring concern (which is solely based on my living my Faith before God and NOTHING MORE, because of my own burnout) as my personally being some kind of a 'chump' that they can either disrespect or take advantage of. Only a certain type of person thinks and responds this way, not even realizing what the truth even is about me or the situation between us, or that this reflects badly on them, rather than on me, because God knows all hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). So, they make a BIG MISTAKE! I don't even really LIKE human beings, in general, anymore, after ODing on their BULLCRAP. Genesis 6:5-7 even describes God Himself having similar feelings toward the human race, for the same reason that I feel as I do. Some I do still care for and about; primarily friends, and always based on the fact that I can respect and trust them. Also, they show me respect, and appreciate me for who I am, both seeing and acknowledging my good qualities. In general, though, I'm happier talking to my houseplants than to people!
I continue to feel the emotional 'tire tracks across my back' from those that have been in my life and run me down in some way or other. If God were not the very center, the very heart, of my life, or didn't matter enough to me to make a real difference in my choices, I am sure that my life's outcome would not even be as good as it is now. I HATE injustice, abuse, and lies. Because of those things, especially, I developed a bad temper due to my deep anger at this crap being done toward me throughout my life. People who think they know me, but don't (much to their own surprise), are genuinely shocked to find out this is even in me, because I do manage to genuinely lead with the Lord and His love in my interactions with others most of the time. Paul described this as 'becoming all things to all people' for the cause of Christ (1 Corinthians 9:22). If I personally lose respect for someone, or find that I can't trust them, it becomes death to any future relationship between us. I don't participate in relational interactions if trust and respect, either way between us, are missing. It just isn't healthy for me.
I have one additional item to share here, from a small piece of paper, that I really like and have kept over the years: "The Single Woman: Freedom comes when you realize that not everyone needs to like you! Insecurity asks "Do you like me?" Confidence asks "Do I like you?" The latter of these criteria is how I live my life. However, at times people MISTAKE my showing them a caring concern (which is solely based on my living my Faith before God and NOTHING MORE, because of my own burnout) as my personally being some kind of a 'chump' that they can either disrespect or take advantage of. Only a certain type of person thinks and responds this way, not even realizing what the truth even is about me or the situation between us, or that this reflects badly on them, rather than on me, because God knows all hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). So, they make a BIG MISTAKE! I don't even really LIKE human beings, in general, anymore, after ODing on their BULLCRAP. Genesis 6:5-7 even describes God Himself having similar feelings toward the human race, for the same reason that I feel as I do. Some I do still care for and about; primarily friends, and always based on the fact that I can respect and trust them. Also, they show me respect, and appreciate me for who I am, both seeing and acknowledging my good qualities. In general, though, I'm happier talking to my houseplants than to people!
I continue to feel the emotional 'tire tracks across my back' from those that have been in my life and run me down in some way or other. If God were not the very center, the very heart, of my life, or didn't matter enough to me to make a real difference in my choices, I am sure that my life's outcome would not even be as good as it is now. I HATE injustice, abuse, and lies. Because of those things, especially, I developed a bad temper due to my deep anger at this crap being done toward me throughout my life. People who think they know me, but don't (much to their own surprise), are genuinely shocked to find out this is even in me, because I do manage to genuinely lead with the Lord and His love in my interactions with others most of the time. Paul described this as 'becoming all things to all people' for the cause of Christ (1 Corinthians 9:22). If I personally lose respect for someone, or find that I can't trust them, it becomes death to any future relationship between us. I don't participate in relational interactions if trust and respect, either way between us, are missing. It just isn't healthy for me.
NOTE: Vivian Gulleen, who is mentioned in this post, is further described in my post "'A Lesson To A Younger Woman, From An Older Woman': A Devotional That I Wrote", dated 8/21/19.
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