One Size Fits All: The Only Sin That Exists

Every single sin since Original Sin occurred in the Garden of Eden comes down to just one thing: selfishness. We face a constant challenge, because of it. Although we are born into this world with our sinful nature, that causes our egocentric self to want what we want when we want it, for ourselves, to be gratified, and feel as fulfilled as possible, as individuals, we are also, almost immediately, tempered by being taught generally acceptable socialization standards, as well as, constricting religious dogma, which tell us to, treat others as we would want to be treated, at the very least, and even strive for sacrificing our own wants and needs, for those of others. Whether you call it guidance, or guilt trips, optimization, or oppression, we must deal with being, continually, called on to be as selfless as possible. From the time we are toddlers, who hear the stern sound, of a "NO! NO!", for reaching out to grasp things we want, it seems that, we are always being told to subjugate our own desires, for the good of others. Since that goes against human nature, it creates a constant conflict in us, individually. We also see the ripples, and results, throughout society. Wars are fought for selfish reasons. Crimes are committed for selfish reasons. Corruption is caused by selfishness. Everything that is causing all the hurt and heartache on the earth comes down to the only sin that really exists.

The mother of all sins. Selfishness. It causes us to be in continual discord not only within ourselves, but with others, as well, as we struggle, however unsuccessfully, on any given day, to balance our craving with our caring. I for one am exhausted, by it. Despite what religious bigots, and hypocrites, try to yoke the rest of us into, while they are the ones most often exposed in the news, for being and doing what they tell the rest of us, not to do, lest we live in the heat of hellfire for all eternity, every single human being on this fallen planet, was, a sinner, is, a sinner, and will be, a sinner, in some form or fashion, every damn day of our lives. Making myself miserable by constantly putting other peoples' needs and wants ahead of my own burned me out, in recent years. I lived most of my life being excessively altruistic and I had nothing to show for it, in my own life, but being, used, exploited, toyed with, and abused by people that took all I had to offer them, drained me dry, and left me lifeless in my own soul after giving me NOTHING that I NEEDED in return. A poured out pitcher has nothing to offer anybody. I STILL haven't met ANYBODY that seems to take MY needs seriously, and respect them, and address them, in a way that is helpful, happy, and healing, for me. I just keep on being disappointed. If it's not, finally, MY TURN to have MY NEEDS met now, WHEN WILL IT EVER BE? It seems that people always want to get THEIR needs met AT MY EXPENSE, while disparaging MY normal human needs as just being sin, that I need to not indulge. The way I see it, my needs are unmet BECAUSE they SELFISHLY took what THEY needed from ME and left me hanging with more heartache adding insult to injury. They even throw me under the bus, while they're at it, rather than own their part in it all. I end up feeling, hurt, humiliated, and violated. I can't trust people, now.

Human beings tend to want to 'rank' sins, with the greatest being murder or some such thing, and the least being 'telling a little white lie'-- with, whatever, their own particular sins are often getting a free pass, in their rationale. I do this as much as any other person on the planet. It is something that I constantly struggle with and I have no doubt that many, if not most, others are having to grapple with this, too. We know, what our own weaknesses and temptations are, all too well, whether we act on those, or not. But, we tend to think, rather judgmentally, that somehow the other people should be so strong and virtuous at all times and under all conditions. What keeps us up at night usually isn't our own sins but those of others, that have affected us in some way. We each are the only human being that we can control or change, though. I can't speak for you, but I am only OH SO human (sigh!) and the nearly irresistible gravitational pull of some sin on me, sometimes causes me to be willing to throw all caution to the wind, and go for something that I am longing for.

I have been told to sit tight in my little Christian box and 'be a good little girl', and at some point, God would reward me for 'doing the right thing'. Well, I'm 66 years old now, and at this point in my life, my needs are still not met, and I am PAST MY BREAKING POINT, with being, able to, or really care, whether I, meet the needs of others, when it seems like, my doing that, is always at my expense, and my needs are, still, waiting. I'm sad and I'm mad, that other peoples' selfishness has caused me so much grief in my life; and that, they don't ever seem to care, about that, or own, their part in, breaking my heart. Their, behavior, basically, SETS OFF A BOMB in MY life, leaving DAMAGE and DEVASTATION behind. Playing with peoples' hearts should be ILLEGAL-- IT IS NOT A GAME. PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T PLAY WITH ANOTHER PERSON'S HEART. It is so hard, and takes so long, to recover from that. If you just need your EGO STROKED, please, find some other way, to do that, than HURTING SOMEONE, WHO DEEPLY CARES ABOUT YOU. It is such an inequity.

I've managed not to sin more times than not, but 'doing without' is little comfort, when I am left with the cold, harsh, reality, of my moral compass directing me to  a place of deprivation where my deep desires are not met. We human beings are hungry creatures. We get strong cravings at times, that seem to get a hold of us, and drive our willpower into the ground; sometimes even wrecking our lives, and those of others, if we give in, to that. The alternative path is just as daunting, to my soul, though. Living life, almost all the time, without, the desires of my heart finding fulfillment, in the everyday reality of my existence, on this earth, is a sad truth, for me. I live my life the majority of the time, stuck in the most frustrating limbo, between not having my deepest desires met for a variety of circumstantial reasons, and what could or would happen if I didn't continue to be as disciplined, as I usually am about the temptation, and let myself 'go there'. There's good and bad to everything; no matter what. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. There is no completely 'Happily Ever After' on this fallen planet. I can congratulate myself that, due to my normally taking the moral high ground, the days of my life better prepare me to stand before the Judgement Throne of God one day. Surely He will see, appreciate, and even reward me, when I am trying my best, to do things His way. At least that is what, all the religious teachings, have led me to believe. This kind, of existence, leaves me feeling, so unfulfilled, and so miserable, sometimes, though, that there are days that, I think that I'd be better off, if He just called me Home, to Him, now! It just doesn't feel worth it, to me, to be living my life on this planet in a kind of, spiritual, 'survival mode', when what I consider to be, some of the most, basic, human needs, OF THE SOUL, aren't met-- really, EVER. The Bible tells us that, "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23), but, to be totally honest, about it, LIFE has often left me feeling COMPLETELY SHORTCHANGED, with my list of UNMET NEEDS remaining, UNCHANGED, day, after day, week, after week, year, after year and even decade, after decade. 'Frustrated' is an UNDERSTATEMENT for me at this point. I am, absolutely, completely, thoroughly, BROKENHEARTED, now.

Although, I'm a Christian, I am honest, and keep it real. The way I figure it, God, already knows, everything, I'm thinking and feeling, anyway, so I am honest with Him, too. He IS a God of TRUTH, after all. It is RELIGION, that tries to train us to do all the 'religious posturing' that doesn't really resonate with what's going on in us, as real, flesh and blood, people, who are struggling with sin, every single day.  I CALL BULLSHIT, on the image I posted just above this paragraph. That is what I have been taught, my whole life, but, in my experience, it has been pure bullcrap. I did ALOT MORE FOR PEOPLE than they EVER did for ME, with NOTHING to show for that. Sure, I could feel like I did 'good deeds' for all of them, but MY TURN TO HAVE MY NEEDS MET NEVER SEEMED TO COME-- TO THIS DAY. Because of that I try NOT to involve myself in OTHER PEOPLES' NEEDS, at this point. Let somebody else take a turn at meeting all those things for others. I need to MEET MINE NOW.

ALL the things that I was taught along the way, that I am to DO, in order to HAVE a HAPPY life, HAVE NOT WORKED FOR ME. I would think that, BY NOW, at age 66, there would have been SOMETHING GOOD, to SHOW FOR all of that self-sacrifice, and good works. Sure, I have really messed up at times, and have had seasons of moral lapses, in judgment, and behavior, along the way, but for the large majority of the time, I have acted altruistically, and unselfishly, and even, courageously, on behalf of others; sometimes LETTING GO of WHAT I HAD because it was the BEST thing to do-- for THOSE THAT, I LOVED-- INCLUDING, my LETTING GO of THEM. I have covered all of this in blog posts over the years. 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' has NOT WORKED FOR ME. Being a good person, thereby sowing good seeds, in good soil, has not worked, for me. Sending out good things so that karma would reward that, has not worked for me. NOTHING HAS WORKED FOR ME! If there was any way for good things to be thwarted, that is exactly what has happened, in my life. I even made many, unselfish, decisions to let go of what (little) I DID have, so that OTHERS could have THEIR best chances, for happiness. Doing that NEARLY KILLED ME, but, I DID IT ANYWAY, RATHER THAN, BE SELFISH and keep 'mine', when it wasn't what was best, for the others involved. Even so, it seems that MY TURN has NEVER COME. I feel tears in my eyes typing that. Why is it so difficult as to seem impossible for me to have the things in life that almost all human beings seem to take for granted, as being their birthright? Basic blessings, of life on earth. It does something, to a person, when they don't experience those things. I have learned to be good at meeting all of my own needs-- as much, as is possible, with that. But we were designed to meet one another's needs, to a large extent, and I never seem to encounter the people who can, really, do that, for me. What they want is not what I want. Or, I want what they are, but they are not in a position to give that to me. So, I see, that, they exist, but, that, does ME no good!

Doing the 'right' thing, is small comfort, when, knowing that, I did that, yet again, is ALL, that I have, to show, for the situation. Any 'heavenly rewards' seem, so far away, and are little comfort to me now, as I struggle to live with the stress of such constant frustration. I saw this tweet online, recently, and it really resonated, with me, at this point: "More like what could possibly go right?" I am exhausted in my SOUL at this point. I mean, JUST REALLY BURNED OUT. Twice in recent weeks, I have opened up a bottle of Riunite (which I consider the taste of, to be, 'kool-aid with a kick'), and drank it down, within minutes; without bothering to use a glass. This is after not drinking more than a couple of beers, total, in the last 25 years. I am not doing well, overall, right now. I'm crumbling under the strain of what I call Bullcrap Overload. People bring their shit into my life, but nothing that will soothe, or save, me, and I just can't handle any more heartbreak, in my life, at this point! If you have read my blog posts over the years you should know why this would be the case for me, after all that. I AM COMPLETELY BROKEN. I am not STANDING so much, anymore, as I am REELING, punch-drunk (even, without the wine), from all the BLOWS TO MY SOUL, that I have SUFFERED IN THIS LIFE. I'm terrified now of what could happen if ANYONE adds, even ONE MORE STRAW, to this camel's back. I have had to spend my entire life, being a STRONG person, from the time I was a little girl and realized that, I was caught in the middle of my parents very troubled relationship. I NEED A HUG! I NEED a 'SAFE' place to JUST BE ME, and not have to warily watch my back, around bitches, and backstabbers. I NEED PRIVACY. I NEED PEACE. I NEED to be ABLE to FINALLY have MY needs met-- without, that, being a 'sin'. I live in a world that seems to be populated with the wrong people that don't or, for whatever reason, can't, give me what I need, in the relationship with them. I AM POURED OUT, at this point! I am, SO TIRED, of NOT HAVING MY NEEDS MET, and being treated like IT IS 'SINFUL' that I EVEN NEED THEM TO BE. I am human!

WHEN IS IT EVER MY TURN? It feels CRUEL to me to KEEP BEING DENIED, by the 'guilt trip', of 'sin'. Other people have fairly easily, and apparently with no pang of conscience-- which adds insult to injury-- sinned at my expense, leaving me more broken than ever. It TAKES SO MUCH, for me to TRUST anyone, at this point, and when I do, I REGRET IT ALMOST EVERY TIME. I can't help but wonder, if they had been on the receiving end, of what they have done to me, if they would like being treated the way that they have treated me. The half-first-cousin, who was told, to protect me, when I went away to college, but, compromised my virginity, causing me to drop out of school and marry him, when I did not even love him, was being selfish. The stranger, who raped me in his pickup truck, while telling me as he did so, that he 'just wanted to know if I could LOVE', was being selfish. I'm the victim of ONE sin, and one sin only. Selfishness. I, have been selfish, too, at times, but I have apparently been alot better at NOT DOING THAT to other people than alot of other people are at NOT DOING THAT to ME. I am to the point now, based on how things have gone for me, up until this point in my life, that even under the threat, of hell, for 'misbehaving', I don't think I can hold on any longer with MY needs not being met. SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE. I AM ONLY HUMAN. The DEPRIVATION is DAMAGING ME. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, and I can't win no matter what I DO or DON'T do. My SOUL is DRIED UP from DESPAIR at this point.

This blog is about my going through, multiple, dark nights of the soul. This is one, of those times. When I've passed by people on the street, sitting on the curb, and sipping wine out of a paper bag, I've often wondered what their lives were like up until this happened to them. They had to have had parents or at least caregivers. Did they get hugs? Did their teachers in school, identify their strengths and skills, which everyone has some of, and encourage and inspire them to be at their best? Did somebody badly break their heart, when they were an adult, wanting a home and a family of their own? Did their employer, screw them over, some way, out of greed, or indifference to their contribution, to the company? Did their friend offer  a drug to them, when they were vulnerable, telling them, it would make all of the pain go away, and now, they can't do without that drug, because, the withdrawal, is so excruciating? How on earth did they end up sitting in ragged, smelly clothes and their own urine, and vomit, as other people pass by them, turning away, and showing no compassion, as if this isn't another, actual, human being. Repulsed at the sight. Everyone has a story. Things, they have lived through, that have made them the person they are, today. Right now, I have a 3rd bottle of wine chilled in the fridge, just waiting, for the next day that, I just want to numb the pain, I feel from my broken heart, because, it is searing my soul, every minute, of every day, right now, and it gets to be MORE than I CAN COPE WITH at times, anymore. I'm well-trained in having to live with heartbreak in my life. It's actually NORMAL FOR ME now, to live that way. I just, foolishly, thought that, IT WAS FINALLY MY TURN to have the things that make life so sweet, that I still desire, in my heart. What is hindering that, is the selfishness of other people. People that have gossiped about me, after I wouldn't let them in to my inner sanctuary, of peace, and privacy, that I want MY home to be-- because, THAT IS WHAT I NEED, NOW. Others, awakened emotions in me, that have caused me to be in complete turmoil; then, thrown me under the bus, by not owning that, they did this, to me. Others have shut me out, simply because, SOMEONE ELSE, TOLD THEM TO, even though, THEY don't KNOW me, themselves, to have made, their own decision, about me. There has not been alot of 'treating me like they would want to be treated', but they all seem quick to criticize ME, for how I have REACTED, to BEING TREATED THESE WAYS. Fuck that.

With SO MUCH SELFISHNESS in the world, it doesn't seem that I have much hope of anyone REALLY CARING ENOUGH to meet MY needs. Because of that, I have, at least, finally gotten more selfish, myself, about addressing MY OWN NEEDS before I even contemplate meeting anyone else's. Even so, because of a lifetime of being brainwashed, to always try to put others' needs ahead of my own, there are times that I STILL allow myself to be inconvenienced, or even, harmed, in some way, by a person who crosses my path, and expresses an unmet need that they have, and I 'rise to the occasion', to try to help them with that, in whatever way that I can. I often end up regretting that, now, though, because I not only go out of my way to help them feel better about their situation (that has nothing really to do with me), but I somehow end up paying a price, for my making that selfless effort, for them. I'm still struggling to allow myself to become much more proactive, about, making sure, that I meet, my own needs, first and foremost, since, nobody else, seems to want to do that for me; because my social conditioning has caused me to feel it is wrong, to advocate for myself, and for what I need. I became, terribly burned out, by living life as a self-sacrificing person. No one, really appreciated that I did that, for them, and I became increasingly resentful because those same people couldn't be bothered to meet any of my needs-- if I even dared, to express, any of those. I made some very different choices, when I moved to a new location, after realizing that no one will ever have my best interests at heart MORE THAN I DO; and likely, they WON'T EVEN COME CLOSE to caring about my needs compared to their own.

I make sure, not to get entrenched in, and therefore, weighed down by, the lives, and problems, of others, unless, it is, someone that I, really do, care about; what they are going through. These, are the last years of my life. It's now or never, for me, to focus on GETTING MY NEEDS MET, before I simply RUN OUT OF TIME, and IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME. If I squander these days, continuing in the same old self-sacrificial way, that I always used to, live my life like, I would have no one else to blame, for my not having my needs met, except, for myself; and, I know, I would feel bitter about letting that happen, if I could have helped it not be that way, but didn't do that, for myself. I can't make other people care about or bother to meet my needs, but I can make myself care about that and spend my time in the ways that help me to reach that goal, as much as possible. I have to MAKE THIS be MY TIME; be MY TURN. Nobody else wakes up really thinking or caring about whether my needs are met or not. There's a selfishness to human nature but we also have to advocate for ourselves, and for our own needs, especially, when no one else is. While, all, selfishness, could be considered sin, by someone who isn't getting their needs met, by others, because of it, I think, it is sin when, our being selfish, hurts another person, because we wanted what we wanted for ourselves and didn't care about the effect that could or would have on others. Driving drunk, is an example.

In full disclosure, I have no idea whether this post will even be coherent. Not only has my internet been a nightmare, recently, being extremely slow, freezing up, or crashing altogether, but I am also just so broken, right now. Even as articulate as  I am, I HAVE NO WORDS, which can describe my current sadness and pain. I just have to HELP MYSELF get through it, by God's Grace, and maybe, more bottles of wine, to, at least, leave me numb enough to get the giggles for awhile, instead of crying so much, because my heart is so broken. Not long ago, I was so "joyful". I laughed, often and easily, and I felt like I could finally have a brighter future, and that it would FINALLY BE MY TURN, for MY UNMET NEEDS to be MET. Now, I hope  that, I can survive, each day, while I don't feel the least bit certain, that I can. All  I know for sure, is that, I HAVE TO. By God's Grace, somehow, some way, I HAVE TO. I have to continue the journey, that God's Called me to, in faith, and trust, in Him. I am NOT, by any means, a 'saint', as in, a PERFECT PERSON. Nor do I want to be such, an obviously fake, specimen of humanity. I just, love, and trust, GOD. He's brought me through every trial and tribulation in my life, and it comforts me to know that He will see me through my present challenges, as well. I got hurt by the selfishness of others, but I got hurt by my own selfishness, too. I don't know, if, or when, it will ever BE MY TURN to get MY needs met, finally. But, I know that  I can TRUTHFULLY say before God that I NEVER WANTED THEM MET at somebody else's expense. I could NEVER be happy if HAVING that COST SOMEBODY THEIRS. So, in some ways, such as advocating for myself, and my own needs, I am selfish, but in other ways, I STILL refuse to be selfish, if it costs somebody, what is theirs. Surely, at SOME point, God has something FOR ME. I am a VERY UNIQUE woman, so I absolutely believe, that, even though, I'm DAMAGED GOODS, because of all I have been through, in my life, and therefore, I'M ALOT, to DEAL WITH, I will be, a BLESSING, to the right person. I told my friend, Erik, the other day, as we talked, that somebody will get TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE, with me, because, I am two VERY DIFFERENT WOMEN, in one body. Deb, who is tenderhearted and fragile and Stevie, my dancer alter ego, who 'takes no prisoners', and can be 'hell on wheels'!

My mind, is a mess, and a maze, right now, readers, but, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I will try my best to do better by next month's post. This is the BEST I can DO for now.