My Cockatiel, CeeBee, was my soulmate*. One definition is: "Your soul mate is the one you love unconditionally with all your heart." - urbandictionary.com
My soulmate CeeBee wasn't a person though. He was a small bird. A 'normal grey' cockatiel, to be exact. A, well cared for, cockatiel, can live for 20 years, or more. I did all I could to give CeeBee a healthy, happy, life. But, he 'flew home to Heaven' just a few months short of his 20th birthday, in the summer of 2011. I miss him. I always will, until I can join him, in Heaven, someday, and we will never have to be separated from one another again. He is one of the greatest treasures, waiting for me, in Heaven. To this day, I still, speak out loud to his spirit. Eleven years, so far, and counting. I haven't known alot of real love in my life, but I do know that when it is real, it never dies. I love CeeBee, just as deeply and completely as I did when he was with me on this Earth. No one's ever come close, to being, the blessing, in my life, that CeeBee was-- and is. Loving him opened my heart up when I wanted to close it down completely because of people betraying and abusing me, so many times and so many ways. God knew, that I needed CeeBee in my life, to teach me what intimate, unconditional love feels like, so He sent him to me. Twice, actually, whether, you believe that, or not. I don't really care, what you believe about it, or about me. It is what it is. I am what I am. I believe, that real miracles can and do happen when true love is involved and that God's not restricted by any limitations that we put on Him, because of our small thinking, biases or unbelief. God is good at making a way, where there seems to be no way, for love, to reach the intended recipient that deeply needs to be touched and changed by that love. I needed this bird, badly, although, it would take some convincing, and a miracle of God, for me to realize that. We humans can be so blind, to what God is doing, in our lives. He, often, has to break through, our doubt, and our fear, to get us to see the blessing He has prepared, for us. I would have missed out, on knowing and loving CeeBee, had an angel of God not intervened to make sure that we didn't miss our moment of connection, which would bring, this, transformational, relationship, into my life.
God brought CeeBee into my life, very unexpectedly, about 6 months before the end of my last, and very abusive, marriage, to the man I refer to as, 'the son of Satan. [https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-devils-in-details-my-marriage-to.html] It was TOTALLY A GOD THING. A miracle. Even in a bad marriage-- and this one was a nightmare for me-- there are some moments of relative normalcy in the midst of the constant cycle of abuse. It was not always the case that I was being victimized by my narcissistic husband as far as it being some overt manifestation such as physical abuse and visits to the ER, although he was constantly abusing me in some form or fashion, if only by all of the continual uncertainty, he caused me to live with, moment to moment, which wore on me so much mentally and kept me from having any sense of security or peace of mind in that marriage from hell. It took NOTHING, to SET HIM OFF, on another tantrum or tirade, that often left me cringing in a ball on the floor trying my best to minimize where his physical blows could strike me, as he said hateful words to me that crushed my spirit. >sigh< I'm so glad that once I get this post written, I don't have to remember those times in my life again-- at least in order to write about them, here. I already have tears in my eyes, trying to write about it now. It was, without a doubt, the WORST chapter in my life and I've had to go through ALOT OF BAD THINGS, in MY life, so THAT is really saying something. It REALLY DAMAGED ME in SO MANY WAYS. THAT CRAP HAS TO BE DEMONIC . . . .
>sigh!<
On this particular evening we had gone over the bridge from Nebraska to Council Bluffs, Iowa, to go to Mall of the Bluffs. There was a restaurant that served an all you can eat buffet, there, where we had gone out for supper that night. After we ate all that food, our stomachs were too full, to be comfortable being constrained by seat belts, on the ride home in the car. So, we, aimlessly, ambled through this mall, waiting for our bellies to feel less full, before we started back, to Bellevue. I was the one of the two of us that was STAUNCHLY ANTI-PET, at the time, and my husband knew that about me. We had just completed fairly extensive renovations on his house, that I moved into just before I married him; including all new, wall-to-wall carpet, throughout the house. He had wanted a dog. I didn't want to have to deal with poops, pee, and, possible, fleas or ticks, from that. I also knew that I would be the one who would end up having to do most of the care, for a pet, and I had enough, to deal with, in the situation that I was in, without, adding that. He most likely would have also begun threatening to harm, or kill, the dog, adding it, to the long list of things, that he said, and did, to torment me, on a regular basis. Many such men have a history of also abusing animals. I couldn't protect ME well!
I KNEW, I would HAVE TO get out of this horrible and life-threatening relationship, at SOME point, but I was so physically and mentally 'beat down' by this time, that I just couldn't even contemplate dealing with, more, uncertainty, and upheaval, in my life at that point, as odd as it may sound, to anyone reading this, who has not gone through it. One thing my family had always done throughout my life, was to throw money at me. As nice as it is having money, they used it both as a method of guilt-tripping and controlling me. It gave them an inroad into my life, that they didn't have any other way, because I, otherwise, kept shutting them out, for their dysfunctional abuse of me emotionally and mentally, by making me be the family scapegoat. After, alot, of back-and-forth, with it, I, eventually, did, stick with, NO CONTACT. When I had to interact with my youngest sister after many years of No Contact with any member of my family of origin (because of my mother's death), and I, overly-optimistically, allowed her to come back into my life, face-to-face, it became immediately apparent that it was the same old dysfunctional family crap, and I wasn't having that, back in my life, after all that I have suffered, from that. My sister (who is an engineer, as is her husband) even started doing the financial generosity, that my family always used, to keep me tethered to them, when they otherwise weren't good to me at all, in any of the ways, that matter most, in life.
There is a Bible verse, that says, "Better to eat a dry crust of bread with peace of mind than have a banquet in a house full of trouble." (Proverbs 17:1 Good News Translation) Despite, her, financial, generosity, it was, immediately, clear that she fully intended to mistreat me in the same toxic family pattern even after all these years of them losing me for doing that; and I disallowed it from her. I returned to No Contact and am going to live out my life protecting myself from ANYONE EVER ABUSING ME in ANY way EVER AGAIN-- mentally, emotionally, or physically. I am actually HAPPIER, HAVING NO MONEY, than PUTTING UP WITH THAT SHIT from a 'loved one' who is DESTROYING ME in ways, and thinks, I'LL TAKE THAT CRAP, for the MONEY they give me. It's just another form of prostitution. No thank you! I got money from my family when I was in that marriage to Mark, too. Not alot, but I had been saving it, hiding it away, in a dresser drawer, when it came in the mail in their holiday and birthday cards to me. My husband had no idea that I had that money, and I was trying to keep it that way, because I knew that he would, likely, take it away, from me. One, of the ways, he controlled me, was preventing access to money. For me to have any hope of getting out of this marriage, and into some situation that would be better for me, I would at least need some money, for that.
Since, I was the one, of the two of us, that had no interest in, or desire for, a pet, I was restless when my husband went into The Pet Ark, which was the pet shop in the mall, at that time. Wandering into the store behind him, I was not paying any attention to any of the animals, for sale, in there. I thought of this as just being a mini-trip to a 'zoo', of sorts, and then when my husband finished looking at them, we could be on our way home. It was getting late, so I was feeling ready to leave. It was a very quiet weeknight so there weren't nearly the number of people in the mall that there were on the weekends. This tiny pet shop had NO business on this particular evening, close to mall closing time, now, except for, my husband, and I, being in there for, what I thought would be, just a few minutes, at most, since we weren't actually going to buy anything, in there. The owner, David Sipherd (whom I didn't know at the time), was standing behind the cash register, by the entrance to this very small shop, as Mark and I wandered in. He didn't interact with us and I was relieved about that, as I thought he might try to sell us a pet and I was the one who DEFINITELY DID NOT WANT ONE. My husband eventually went over to a glass-sided, open-topped, enclosure, where there were, about a dozen, gray birds inside, which all looked the same, and were also, very unappealing, to me, due to their beaks, and talons. He reached in and lifted one of them onto his hand. I was skittish, around it, as I looked at the veiny-looking feet, with claws; and I made a point not to get too close, to this thing, as I was afraid that it might, peck, at me! Even though, this was, a small bird, compared to my size, I was, still, scared of it. All I wanted was for my husband to tire of holding it and put it down, so we could leave, and go home. I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION AT ALL of TOUCHING IT!
A tall man, with strangely 'kind' eyes, approached us. He was the only other one, in the tiny pet shop, that evening, except for, the store owner, Dave, at the front. Although it was Mark who was holding this bird, this man came up to us and was trying to encourage me, to hold this same cockatiel, that my husband had on his hand. I found it very annoying. I knew, we weren't buying anything in there, and I did not like the way the talons and beak, of this creature, looked like they could injure me, if I got too close. I also wondered, as this man kept looking intently at ME, and persisted in, trying his best, to get ME to HOLD THIS BIRD, WHY, he was SO FOCUSED, on THIS BIRD, that Mark was holding, the whole time, since, there were about 11, others, that LOOKED JUST LIKE IT, in this pen, right beside us. It felt so pushy, to me, that I finally began showing signs of frustration, because he would NOT stop! I asked him, rather sharply, if he, WORKED, at this store, telling him that, WE were NOT getting a PET. At all! His answer confused me, even more than, his pushiness, about it. He responded that, he did not work there. So, since he wouldn't make any commission on a sale, et cetera, in that store, as he didn't even WORK there, WHY was he SO INTENT on me HOLDING THAT ONE BIRD?!? I KNEW that, I had NO INTENTION, AT ALL, of HOLDING that bird. I had refused to even get CLOSE to it, while my husband was holding it. I have NO EXPLANATION, FOR THIS, WHATSOEVER, therefore, when I tell you that I DID END UP HOLDING THAT BIRD! I am, still, shaking my head, at that, as I type this! I TOTALLY KNEW that I WOULD NOT DO THAT. EVER. AT ALL. END OF DISCUSSION. Yet somehow,
I DID.
Although there had been others, just like it, that he COULD have CONVINCED me to hold on my hand, that tall man, with the, strangely, 'kind' eyes, who had been, looking intently, into MY eyes, during this, had only focused on getting me to hold the one that Mark had been holding. It was ALL SO STRANGE SOMEHOW. It takes alot longer to describe this situation, here, in print, than it took for it to transpire, in real time, and I was IN THE MOMENT when it was happening so I was trying to mentally process what was taking place then, the best I could, given the fact that none of it really made any sense, from a logical standpoint; given the situation as it was. He didn't know us. He didn't work there. He hadn't, been, interacting, with Mark, at all, although my husband was the one already holding the bird. He didn't try to get me to hold any of the other birds, that looked just like it, to me; AND, I was SURE that, I was NEVER going to HOLD THAT BIRD, on MY HAND! POSITIVE!
I was more shocked than Mark was when I ended up allowing him to transfer this creature from his hand onto mine. It only took a moment. As quick, as it went, to do that, and for me to say, "I CAN'T BELIEVE, I am HOLDING this bird!", I looked up from my hand, and THAT MAN WAS GONE. Just like HE VANISHED, INTO THIN AIR! It was, UNNERVING! Actually, SPOOKY! It was such a tiny little store, and no one else was in there. He couldn't have walked out of view that quickly, or left the store that fast, because the enclosure these birds were in was halfway back in the store. I was dumbfounded, by this! There was NO LOGICAL EXPLANATION, for his 'vanishing into thin air' like HE DID. I wouldn't have time to try to process that, in my mind, though, because as soon as Mark was no longer holding this bird on his own hand he was ready to leave now to go home. He said, "Let's go", and headed toward the door. I just stood there, stuck, standing in that spot, seemingly unable to move my feet or to set the bird down in the pen with the others or comprehend what was happening to me! I had NO IDEA, what was GOING ON, WITH ME, NOW.
I felt like, my feet had been glued to the floor. THEY WOULDN'T MOVE. I, couldn't move! IT MADE NO SENSE, WHATSOEVER! HOW could I explain something, that I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF?!? Mark turned back to see if I were coming. He looked angry when he saw that I hadn't moved from that same spot, and that the bird was still on my hand, as I stood there. He began to get that menacing tone I feared, in his voice, that sounded like a threatening growl. "I said, LET'S GO!" I definitely, didn't want him to get upset, and start, striking, me, as soon as he had me out in the car where there would be no witnesses to such treatment of me, by him. That tone, in his voice, filled me with real dread. Even so, I STILL COULDN'T MOVE MY FEET and I DIDN'T KNOW WHY, so I COULDN'T EXPLAIN IT TO HIM! He marched back indignantly to where I was still standing in that store, and took the bird off my hand, placing it on the far side of the pen, from where I was standing, back in with all the others, saying, to me, almost, in my face, this time, "I SAID, LET'S GO!" and he stood there waiting for me to follow him out of the store. But, I said to him, "I can't leave without this bird." (I had NO IDEA, AT ALL, why those words were even coming OUT OF MY MOUTH!) With an incredulous expression on his face, because I was the TOTALLY-DON'T-WANT-A-PET-person, of the two of us, which he well knew, and, just 5 minutes, earlier, I had been scared to even, hold, that bird, he stared at my face like I had completely lost my mind. I think he was waiting, to hear me say, I was just joking. But, I didn't. I wasn't. And, I HAD NO IDEA WHY! This didn't even make ANY sense to ME! Then, with his jaw set in an angry expression, he said, to me, "Well, I'M NOT GETTING IT! I said, LET'S GO!"
I had learned to fear his anger, but something supernatural was happening to me and I couldn't ignore that. I began to suspect that the tall man with the strangely 'kind' eyes, that had seemed to LOOK RIGHT INTO ME, although, he didn't KNOW me, AT ALL, was an angel, of the Lord. The Bible tells us, "Do not neglect to show kindness to strangers; for, in this way, some, without knowing it, have had angels as their guests." (Hebrews 13:2 Weymouth New Testament) There was simply NO WAY that ANY human being could have VANISHED INTO THIN AIR in the time that it took to transfer the bird from Mark's hand to mine; and none, of the rest of this scene, made, any, 'earthly' sense, either. Including, TO ME! Oddly, since Mark and I were about to leave the store, logically speaking, I had watched intently, as he'd taken this bird off my hand and placed it back in the pen with the others, in order to keep track of its location, among all the others, that looked almost identical, to it. WHY, would I DO that, if we were LEAVING?!? (I asked MYSELF this question!)
For the first time since this strange 'whatever it was' came over me, it felt like my feet were no longer stuck to the floor, and I stepped closer to the birds enclosure. Although Mark had set that bird down on the far side of the pen, I had kept track, of it, and then ANOTHER VERY STRANGE THING HAPPENED. This woman who had just been too scared to hold one of these creatures, with the beaks and the claws, on her hand, suddenly put her hand down into the bird enclosure, where, a dozen of these things were. As I stood, on the far side from where the one had been set back in there, so the other 11, or so, were standing between us, that one bird ran through all the others, across, that enclosure, and jumped onto my lowered hand. I raised my hand up, with the bird on it, and my husband's expression told me he thought he had knocked my head against walls so many times by now, that I had finally become, BRAIN DAMAGED. Feeling helpless, for so many reasons, I looked at Mark, and with tears in my eyes I said to him, "I can't leave without this bird!" Somehow, I KNEW, it was, a GOD THING; and I have learned to NEVER DISOBEY, when THAT is the case. I TRUST GOD, COMPLETELY. MY LIFE, IS IN, HIS, HANDS.
Mark retorted, "Well, I'M NOT BUYING IT!" That is when, I told him, about the money I had saved up (and been hiding in a dresser drawer, at home, as the start of my 'escape fund'; if I lived that long, since, his abuse, was coming, harder, and faster, as time went on, and I was living in a danger zone in the cycle of abuse by him, at this point). I had NO idea how much this bird even COST. All I KNEW, was that I COULDN'T LEAVE WITHOUT THIS BIRD-- that I was just SCARED OF, only a few minutes before. It didn't make any sense, even to me. I just KNEW that I had to do this. Mark was surprised, that I had accumulated any money of my own, but now that he knew that he wanted to get it away from me. Money allows autonomy and part of what an abuser does is try to make sure that their victim doesn't have access to either. He knew I would keep my word and pay him back, for his buying this bird for me, so he quickly agreed to get it, then. Since he was the one paying for it, at the store, he took it up to the front cash register and began to check out while I stayed behind, halfway back in the small pet shop, staring, at the birds, in the enclosure, where this bird, which I was about to take home with me, had just been. I was struggling, to comprehend, what was even happening, with all of this, unfolding so oddly, and unexpectedly, to a woman who did not even WANT a PET!
I felt someone looking at me, near the store entrance, and since my husband was up there, buying the bird, and whatever else it needed, to be cared for, I thought, that he must be ready to go now. As I looked that way, though, I saw that he was still up at the cash register; but the tall man with the strangely kind, intense eyes was standing there-- JUST OUTSIDE THE STORE ENTRANCE!-- and although Mark had been the one, of the two of us, initially, holding this bird, and I hadn't wanted to even touch it, myself, and he was the one, up at the front buying it, now, while I stayed back by the cockatiel pen further back in the store, and this strange man couldn't possibly know the bird was about to be mine, not Mark's, because he had seemed to vanish into thin air, the moment I took the bird from Mark's hand, onto mine, and was nowhere in sight, inside, or outside, the store, while all of this was going on, after he'd simply disappeared, in a split second, when there was no way he COULD have, YET HE DID, he looked past Mark, who was up front, buying, this bird, and into MY eyes. I gasped when I saw him, outside the store, because all of this had happened in a very short span of time, and when he had just vanished, I had, immediately, looked to see where he went, and THERE WAS NO WAY that he COULD have left, that area, that fast, without me SEEING WHERE HE WENT! With laser-like focus, he looked ONLY at ME, and said, these stunning words, to me: "I KNEW THAT WAS YOUR BIRD!" I just stood there in shock staring back at him.
HOW COULD HE EVEN KNOW? Anyone else that had seen this scene unfold, would LOGICALLY assume that the man of this couple, who had handled and appeared to be interested in this bird, was buying this, because he wanted it, while the woman (me) of this couple, was fearful and resistant, to even taking it onto her hand. The man, up at the register, buying it, not long after, MUST WANT THIS BIRD. NO ONE who WASN'T AROUND AT ALL, to SEE what had happened AFTER the tall man with the strangely kind eyes had, disappeared, into thin air, would EVER assume, that I wanted this bird! This man had disappeared, and WASN'T EVEN AROUND, so HOW could he KNOW that?!? WHY, was he SO INSISTENT, that I hold this ONE bird? HE DIDN'T EVEN WORK THERE! HOW did HE even GET OUTSIDE THE STORE, when, I had a CLEAR VIEW of the store layout and the entrance, when he vanished in just a split second, after I took the bird onto my hand, from Mark's. There was SIMPLY NO WAY, that ANY, of this, strange situation, which defied logic, made any rational sense, AT ALL. To ANYONE. INCLUDING ME. Continuing this strange synchronicity, when the store owner had gathered everything, that the bird needed, to go home, with us, such as the cage, seeds, toys, and such, the total came to EXACTLY THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT I HAD HIDDEN AWAY AT HOME! 'Signs' were significant.
On the way home with this bird and its supplies I told Mark that it needed a name but we had no idea whether this was a male or a female since the pet shop owner had told us that, until they have gone through several molts the feathers wouldn't grow in definitively enough, to indicate which sex this one was. So, I was trying to think of a gender-neutral name for this baby bird. Dave knew when it was hatched though, and its birthdate was mid-November-- the same as my son Jay's, but one day earlier. Since Jay wasn't with me, after I transferred his custody, to his father, and stepmother, so that, he could have a better life, in a two-parent home, it was, comforting, to me, somehow, to have THIS 'baby' to care for now, and BE MINE. I decided that, since we had bought this bird in Council Bluffs, Iowa, and it was also referred to as 'CB', that I would name this bird 'CB', only, I 'fleshed it out', to look like more of a name . . . spelling it, "CeeBee". When, we got the bird home, I took it out of the box it had traveled in, and went down the hall toward the bedroom to get the money, I had hidden away, to repay Mark, for purchasing, the bird, and all that, it needed; for me. I kept my word. As my husband began to set up the cage, with the seed and supplies, for it to be placed into, it was just standing out on the carpet, which was also amazing because, that new carpeting, had been one of the main reasons I was so anti-pet. Yet, here we were in the, most unlikely, situation! As I headed down the hallway, this tiny little creature walked behind me, and as it did, it walked straight into my heart! There was NO TURNING BACK from then on.
It did take me a little while to adjust to holding it with those veiny-looking, clawed feet, against my skin. Very soon, though, it no longer bothered me at all, because I began to only see this bird through the eyes of, unconditional, love. That doesn't see or care about any flaws in the one that is loved. We began bonding, more and more, each day, especially during the work week, when Mark wasn't also at home. It was not long before I was moving CeeBee's cage around the house, to be closer to me, while I was doing my daily tasks. It stole my heart, from the preciousness, of the moment, when I was peeling potatoes for supper one evening, and CeeBee was in his cage, watching me. Because, I was focusing on the peeling of potatoes, CeeBee seemed to be feeling ignored by me. So this 'feathered fluff', that was my new 'baby', began emphatically calling out to me by clearly referring to me by the name that I called myself, when I would talk to them. IT STOLE MY HEART, that it was calling for "MAMA! MAMA! MAMA!" I began to feel, fiercely protective, love, for this bird-- the way, a mother feels, toward her own offspring. It was clear that my heart had been captured by CeeBee! Soon, after this, I began, trying to teach
this little creature how to talk, because, I was well aware that, every day could be my last one, on earth, due to my husband's, ever-increasing, abusiveness, toward me, and CeeBee was equally vulnerable to that now (which, I felt so badly about).
I wanted him to learn a Bible verse, for his first phrase, that was, very significant, given our rather dire situation. All that we had, moment-to-moment, was our one
breath. If at any time, Mark's abusiveness, took that, from one, or both, of us, we would, cease to exist, on this earth. So, every day, while, he was gone to work, at the Air Force base, I said, that verse, over, and over, again, to CeeBee, trying, my best, to get this little angel-bird-baby to say it, too; to no avail. The scripture was Psalm 150:6. "Let everything that has breath, praise the LORD. Praise the LORD." (NIV) I tried to get this little, living, love, of mine, to simply say "Praise the Lord", but I wasn't having any luck at all with it. No matter how many times I repeated it to CeeBee, not a word, came out of their beak. NOT EVEN ONE SYLLABLE. So then I tried to shorten the phrase, to "Praise God", but there just seemed to be no way, to get CeeBee to speak, aside from calling for "Mama!" >sigh< I even tried to say it with an emphasis on the "G" sound, thinking that, guttural-sounding, consonant might be, what was hardest, about speaking this phrase. NOTHING. This bird, just sat there, on my finger, in front of my face, as I kept saying the words, again, and again. Staring at me blankly. I asked Dave, at the pet shop, about this on a phone call, one day, and he said, some birds will talk and some won't. Just wait, and see. I didn't give up, even though, it looked hopeless. Every day, while Mark was gone, I sat CeeBee on my finger, and, repeated, "Praise God! PRAISE God! PRAISE G-G-GOD!" After months, of this, even though, I had kept trying, I figured it was a NO, for him to ever actually say it. The closest to saying it, that my little bird had ever come, so far, was to mimic the tone, in my voice, as I said the two words, without there being any intelligible articulation of the actual phrase. Someone else hearing him could not have understood, what he was trying to say, unless they knew what the words were, which he was attempting to say. This was just babbling baby talk.
Although I couldn't really explain WHY at the time, I was SURE that CeeBee was a 'GOD THING', in my life-- put there for a reason. Even so, I felt so sad, for placing this little bird in harm's way, now, by bringing it into, this, house, where Mark was more and more abusive, as time passed. I would take CeeBee out of the cage and play. Around the age of 6 months this bird began to get more adventurous and as babies of many species tend to do, wanted to bite on things that should not be bit by a bird. So, I needed a 'scolding' name, like parents use for emphasis to get the children to mind. A middle name. By this time Dave told me that, based on molts, CeeBee had gone through, that, he thought, this bird was, probably, a female, but that, I wouldn't be able to be sure, for about a year. The males have darker, more definitive coloring, to their feathers, when they reach maturity. Based on, his best guess, for CeeBee, then, I added the middle (scolding!) name of "Marie", so when I was trying to emphasize, what things were "NO NOs", done, around the house, I would say, "CeeBee! Stop! . . . CeeBee, STOP! . . . CEEBEE MARIE, Mommy, said, STOP!!!" When CeeBee reached a year old, 'she' turned out to be a 'he', but after 6 months, of using his 'scolding' name, to discipline him, I just, couldn't change it. So, it was like that song about 'A Boy Named Sue'**. I put CeeBee on my hand to ask him, in a face-to-face chat, one day, if he felt secure, in his masculinity, given what turned out to be the unfortunate middle name of "Marie". I smiled as I typed that, because it just shows how I interacted with CeeBee in FUN ways, too, letting my sense of humor show with him! I was able to be completely MYSELF with him; and BE LOVED FOR IT. THAT has NEVER happened, for me, with HUMANS. I could laugh and play, and even be silly, with him. I DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE to SHOW me, 'safe', loving, relationships as far as human beings go. Because of my background with that, my BEST efforts at it, as far as human beings go, are, still, so SKEWED.
I FELT BAD for little CeeBee, when Mark would hit me and be yelling over me, as I cringed down on the floor, in as small a ball as I could get into, to try, to minimize where he could strike me, THIS time. When it was in the same room with CeeBee, I would try to look at my bird-baby, while covering my head with my arms as best I could, to see how HE was doing, during this TERROR, going on, in this house. He usually, gripped the side cage bars, with his feet, when, he had to witness this, as if he were trying to, get as close to ME, as he could, from inside his cage. I was so sad to see his little body, VISIBLY SHAKING, during these things, though, because he was, SO SCARED. My eyes just teared up, typing this, about those memories. I really didn't think that CeeBee or I would actually make it out, of that, alive. Mark used to threaten to put CeeBee in the kitchen garbage disposal, and turn it on, or, put him outside, in the freezing, Nebraska winter, weather, where he would not be able to survive. I can't write any more, about that, now, because, it is too painful. This should be enough, for you to understand, what we were living in, and dealing with. When Mark would get home from work, and I heard the chain on the garage door, suddenly, jerk taut, before it began to, slowly, raise the door for Mark to pull his car inside, for the night, I always, got a, sick feeling, in the pit of my stomach, as I immediately wondered whether this would finally be the day, that I would die,
and maybe, CeeBee, with me.
Six months after CeeBee came into my life, we, both, finally got out of that HELL HOUSE. People had been growing increasingly alarmed, for our safety, and some, had said, to me, "You should just GO INTO A SHELTER, to GET OUT OF THERE!" I had called shelters, because at that time I didn't know anything about how those operated, but they told me that PETS WERE NOT ALLOWED, so I REFUSED, to go. People told me, I was CRAZY, for doing that, and that I should just SELL CeeBee, and THINK OF MYSELF, before I was KILLED. I WOULD NOT DO THAT, THOUGH. I didn't know ANYTHING for sure, then, EXCEPT for ONE THING. I believed with all my heart that it was GOD-- through an 'angel unaware'-- who had put CeeBee in my life, and I ABSOLUTELY TRUST GOD! I don't even ALWAYS trust MYSELF but I DO ALWAYS TRUST GOD. HE has shown Himself WORTHY of MY TRUST. I was not willing to undo the ONE THING I KNEW was RIGHT in MY LIFE which was CeeBee. I didn't know then if we would make it out alive. I just knew, that we were BOTH in God's WILL, and therefore, FULLY IN GOD'S HANDS. COME WHAT MAY. No one seemed to understand that I WOULDN'T just OVERRIDE God's Will about it, even though I WAS IN DANGER. The end of the marriage came soon after Mark hit me in the face, totally unprovoked, and unexpected, when I was about to leave, with him, for a church service, he had agreed to attend. He'd punched my glasses into my face, causing alot of blood and the need for several stitches to my face by the ER doctor on duty. The next day, CeeBee would be part of a MIRACLE that SAVED MY LIFE! I would NOT still be on this planet, had that not happened as it did then.
I had begun noticing, for awhile, before this, that the ONLY time I wasn't in PAIN, emotionally (as well as, mentally, and sometimes, physically, if Mark had hit me), was WHEN I WAS ASLEEP. Every morning, as soon as I opened my eyes to face a new day, I began to cry, because a new day held nothing for me, that I needed it to. It didn't offer me any HOPE. I had become hopeless. This, particular morning, which followed, the day, that I had to get stitches, in my face, from my husband, striking me, I woke up, and JUST LAY THERE SILENTLY IN TEARS. CeeBee was in his cage in the livingroom, where Mark made me leave him, because he said that having this little bird in the bedroom, with us, made him feel like, 'we were being watched', and it, 'creeped him out', even though, CeeBee's cage, was covered, at night. Mark, was at work, at the Air Force base, where, he was an NCO, although he was arrested for this assault on me at some point, giving me a couple of days, to get out, fast, after my RN friend, Judi Taylor, said that she would help me with an emergency Garage Sale, to get me some money, to escape, this, hell! As I lay there in bed, after waking, I was not, saying, anything, at all, out loud. I had just started silently crying, as soon, as I opened my eyes, as I lay there, staring up at the ceiling, unable, to focus my thoughts, into anything, constructive. I could feel the pain, on my face, at the site of, this most recent, injury that Mark inflicted on me. Slowly, sluggishly, I, dragged, myself, out of bed, to go to the bathroom. As I saw my face, in the mirror, with purple and yellow bruises, all around the stitched up area of my face, my eyes welled up with tears. I had NOTHING LEFT IN ME, to GO ON LIKE THIS. I walked woodenly, toward the livingroom, pulling the cover off
CeeBee's cage as I got there. I normally greeted him and interacted with him, but not this morning. I really, didn't even look, at my little, bird-baby. I just lay down, on the couch, on my back, staring up at the ceiling, not saying a word. I was just,
SO TIRED, of living this way!
At some point, as I lay there thinking, with CeeBee's cage just beside me, I made a decision, that I was going to go back into the bathroom, and take sleeping pills, so I could 'climb up in God's loving lap', so to speak, and just FALL BACK ASLEEP; FOR GOOD. It wasn't that, I WANTED to DIE. I didn't WANT to DIE, AT ALL. I was just so WORN OUT and WORN DOWN, that I couldn't COPE with another NEW day that HELD, NO, PROMISE, or HOPE, for me, of ANYTHING, SAFE, or HAPPY. I had realized that, I HURT, ALL THE TIME, now, except when, I was finally asleep; and my dreams were troubled even then, but I was at least unconscious enough to be unaware of the outward dangers of another day in this marriage to this son of the devil. I. WAS. JUST. DONE. I COULDN'T DO IT, ANYMORE. I hadn't said a word, to CeeBee, nor was I now. I had been, completely, silent, since I woke up. I couldn't even pray, anymore. I was SO BROKEN, that, I wasn't even thinking AT ALL about what would happen, to CeeBee, if I wasn't there, for him, anymore. I had told the ER doctor the night before that Mark was abusing me, and I honestly figured that, this man who had completely ignored BOTH Protection Orders issued against him, that were supposed to, help keep me safe, as a domestic abuse victim, was going to be back, to this house, soon, TO KILL CEEBEE AND I. Feeling that I didn't want to wait for the inevitable, at this point, and feeling completely unable to cope with it any longer, I had just barely begun to sit up on the couch where I'd been laying and thinking, when I saw CeeBee, acting very strangely-- in a way that HE NEVER HAD, BEFORE! I was so deeply concerned for him that I momentarily forgot that I was on the way, to the bathroom, to commit suicide, by taking sleeping pills. As I stared at him, feeling really panicked, about what I was seeing, CeeBee continued leaning forward, toward me, on his perch, and opening and closing his beak again and again and again, looking as if, he were CHOKING, or GAGGING on something! I didn't know what to do, as I sat there, watching him, seem to struggle, this way. I said to him, "CeeBee! ARE YOU OKAY? What's wrong? Did you choke on a toy or a piece of food?" Now, I was concerned, and crying, for my baby bird! He kept on looking right at me, his beak opening and closing, again and again, as he seemed to be, trying to get something out of his mouth, or airway. CeeBee was struggling, so much, and I had no idea how to HELP him! I thought that, he was about to die.
Then it happened.
Another miracle. Just at that moment. A Sign, from God, that saved my life!
CeeBee, somehow, said, a CLEAR, "PRAISE G-G-GOD!"; for the FIRST TIME EVER!
After MONTHS, of NOT, EVER, BEING ABLE, to SAY it, CLEARLY!
Without ANY prompting from ME, since, I had not been interacting with him, then.
I started sobbing, witnessing the TIMING of this MIRACLE of God's intervention to SAVE MY LIFE, through CeeBee.
The Bible says, in Psalm 139:16, that ". . . all my days were written in Your book, and ordained for me before one of them came to be." (Berean Study Bible) When the tall man, with the, strangely, kind eyes, had gone to, such lengths, in The Pet Ark, to make sure, that CeeBee and I came together in this life, I KNEW that this HAD to be AN ANGEL OF THE LORD, sent to help me, because, there was nothing 'natural', about how, any, of that, manifested itself, that day. GOD KNEW that, all these months later, I would decide, to 'go to sleep FOREVER', so He ENABLED my angel-bird-baby-boy, that He sent me, to CLEARLY SAY "Praise God!" at the exact moment that it would SAVE MY LIFE. I'm STILL in AWE of how MUCH God CARES, about me. PURE LOVE is such a HEALING FORCE! I have only known, THAT TYPE, of love, with God, and with CeeBee, in my life. HUMAN LOVE just DOESN'T WORK OUT for ME, because, even though I FEEL it, I DON'T KNOW HOW, to get it 'right'. When, this happened that day, with CeeBee, I never went to take those pills; and I said to him, with tears streaming down my face, that "If that wasn't a Sign from God, that, somehow, He will make a way, where there seems to be no way, then I don't know what is!" Not long after, my friend Judi called me, and suggested that, we have a Garage Sale, so that I could get out of there quickly, before Mark came back, after being arrested for assaulting me. We did that, and got me out and into hiding just hours before he was released from jail and came looking for me, there.
It was hard on CeeBee and I at first. I couldn't go back to dancing for awhile since that was the first place that Mark would try to find me, and I KNEW that he would try; whether, that was, to beg me, to come back, to him, again, or so he could kill me, now, because I had gotten away. FOR GOOD, THIS TIME. So, I worked in jobs that didn't pay nearly that well, such as stores and pizza parlors. I had to work at, multiple, jobs, at once, as I tried to get back on my feet, financially. Some days, I only returned home, long enough to change my clothes, before I went to my next job. One night, I came home very weary. Exhausted from, trying to maintain, this pace. I was gone more than I was home, and when I was home, I was sleeping or showering, for the most part. I sat down on the floor next to CeeBee's cage, since I had sold almost all our belongings to get out of Mark's house to safety, including beds and chairs, et cetera. With, my last little bit, of energy, for the day, I opened the door of CeeBee's cage, and stuck my hand in there, to invite him out to spend a few moments with me before bed; but he wouldn't get on my hand or come out.
He just hissed at me, and tried to bite my hand! I was SO SAD. I realized that, he was beginning, to lose his tameness, toward me, since he was almost never being held, or interacted with, anymore, more than, a very few, minutes, a day, before I rushed out the door to one or more of my jobs. I left my hand inside his cage and fell asleep, there on the floor, where I slept now, after promising that I would find a way to get a better-paying job, so that I would not have to be gone so much, to work multiple jobs, like now. Soon after, a friend from church, told me she started working for temp agencies, and there was always an assignment when one ended so I should sign up, with them, too. I did, and she was right. Working as a clerical temp gave me better pay, a regular, 8 - 5, work schedule, and every night as well as weekends with CeeBee. A man from my church helped me move my remaining belongings into a studio apartment, with a patio, where, I sat outside, on summer evenings, and listened to the crickets. I was finding PEACE, in my life, again, with CeeBee by my side! Things were starting to feel ALOT BETTER, for us. It was such a small apartment, but we were so happy, there, for a few years; before I started, dancing again, and we moved into bigger, nicer, even more luxurious apartments, in downtown Omaha. CeeBee and I had a NICE LIFE TOGETHER, we both enjoyed!
I put CeeBee in his carrier basket, which was a rectangular, plastic container with an open-weave pattern to it, which I could easily carry in my hand, and we would go for walks, together, through city parks, arts festivals, to parades, and sitting in the Old Market, alone, or, visiting with friends, or, sitting outdoors at a restaurant. I secured the lid to the basket with shoelaces, so it wouldn't come off, if I tripped, and I placed a water dish and some of his seeds and other foods in there for him. It was so nice being outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and these outings were good for us, to do together, except, when, 'Stalker Cop', Darren, an Omaha Police Officer, on the downtown beat, where I lived (where he was on, both, cruiser, and bike, patrol, accessing the entire area, that way-- so there was no escaping him!) was following me all around, almost all the time, for over a decade of my life. We had been friends at first, but then that fell apart when he began stalking me, and it frustrated me, and creeped me out. He was mostly just watching me. That was, annoying, and disturbing, and invaded my privacy. On, the one hand, I am a very open person, as far as communication and honesty. On the other hand, I am very private, in my personal life, when it is something sacred to me that I'm protective of. It, just depends, on, what it is, and how I am feeling, about it. I am very picky about who I let in, to my 'private space', and most people are not welcome there. I have written about Darren in other posts, so I want to avoid digressing into that now (as, digressing, is one of my worst habits, when I am trying to communicate. >sigh!<). I will just say here that this stalker cop continually intruded on my time alone with CeeBee, which was SACRED TO ME. Especially when, I was working six nights a week, as a dancer, in nightclubs, and didn't get home until 2 AM, or later. Afternoon excursions with CeeBee were OUR TIME TOGETHER, for SUN, and FUN. [This post describes alot more, about Darren intruding on my walks with CeeBee: https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2021/05/there-is-naked-woman-in-park.html]
When CeeBee reached his full adulthood, he began to, express, his normal, male, cockatiel, desires and behaviors, which I indulged, because I believe suppressing normal, healthy, natural, desires, is unhealthy, over the long term; and he, and I (99.99% of the time), were both, celibate, as far as not having sexual partners in our lives. I don't care, what you think, about this. I'm going to be honest about it. Because, my baby, was a BIRD, I DON'T THINK, it, COUNTS, as, INCEST. CeeBee began wiggling his tail, from side to side, when I was holding him on my hand. It didn't take me long to realize that, he was expressing his SEXUAL needs; and, as the object of his deep love and affection, he was EXPRESSING THAT TOWARD ME. He would adjust his grip on my hand (PAINFUL, if he was needing a PEDICURE at the time! OUCH!), and his pelvic positioning, as he did this. As he got going, with it, he began making a constant sound, with his voice, which was cute, but I really can't describe it here. He would also intermittently peck at my hand with his beak quite enthusiastically, as he got more excited; enjoying himself, as he was getting off. I started smiling, and blushing, right now, as I prepared to type this, about it, but once I realized that I WAS HIS ONLY SEX LIFE and in a sense HIS PARTNER, I began to, mimic, that 'chirp' that he would do, during, what I came to refer to as, "swishtail"-- because of the motion he made, against my hand, while doing it-- so in effect I was FAKING ORGASMS for this MALE COCKATIEL! REAL LOVE ministers COMPASSION, though, for the REAL NEEDS of the LOVED ONE(S). It just seemed to matter to CeeBee, if I also 'participated'; and living with him had made me see that, there was a tender, touching, side, to the male ego; maybe even in, HUMAN MALES. In fact, one day, when I was in a, really bad, mood-- as in a "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache" type of mood, CeeBee began to do his "swishtail" on my hand while I was slumped down sullenly on the couch, watching TV. I ignored him but he began to intently search my face looking for any sign that I was in it WITH him or that he was PLEASING ME, AS WELL. My eyes teared up, typing this about that, special, even sacred, moment, when I REALIZED, that IT MATTERED TO THE MALE, THAT LOVED ME, if I WAS 'SEEMING SATISFIED', OR NOT, and WHETHER I WAS RESPONDING, with the ENTHUSIASM that HE was, during this sex act. I had always figured MALES were REALLY only interested in GETTING THEMSELVES OFF.
It was CeeBee that TAUGHT me that this was NOT the case; that I MATTERED too, to HIM! It was humbling, for me, to learn HOW WRONG I WAS, about some of the NEGATIVE ASSUMPTIONS, I had made, about MALES, over the years, because of, my BAD EXPERIENCES, with them. When he finally climaxed, he would finish with one, deep, thrust, against my hand, leaving, his, cockatiel, ejaculate, on my hand (which I discreetly went to wash off, afterward). Once I realized that he had REAL FEELINGS about these interactions with me, I happily and humbly accommodated him. I would hold him, afterward-- as he lit up a cigarette (JUST KIDDING!!! THAT was, JUST MY SENSE OF HUMOR, SHOWING; about, the CIGARETTE, anyway. The REST, of what I am saying is TRUE and FACTUAL)-- and I would softly stroke him, along his back, and down his tailfeathers, while telling him with an APPRECIATIVE tone in my voice, "CeeBee! You have the LONGEST TAIL!" It was SO CUTE, to see how he puffed his chest out when I said that to him. Although CeeBee was a male BIRD, HE, is the ONE, that TAUGHT ME, how SACRED and SWEET, the 'male ego', and, male sexuality, actually are. In a way, I consider that ANOTHER MIRACLE he did, for me, in my life, because I had a COMPLETELY TARNISHED VIEW OF MALES before living, including, intimately, with CeeBee. I was HONORED, to 'KNOW' HIM.
In case you wonder, why I didn't just get him a female cockatiel, instead, they do not usually STAY TAME toward A PERSON when they have a bird mate so you end up cleaning the cage and maintaining the pair but you have no pet bonded to you. With CeeBee's strong sex drive (which is alot like mine actually, despite my being celibate, for a very long time, now-- and, for most of my life, in fact-- >sigh!< ) I would have ended up with a prolific number of 'grandbirds' because I never would have been able to sell or give away CeeBee's babies. I lived in apartments, also. I sometimes had trouble, getting ONE bird, to be ALLOWED, by the landlords. They feared that a bird would chew up the property, and birds can get on chirping jags, which can be quite loud, potentially, disturbing the neighbors. Birds, are louder in groups, too, because they're continually communicating vocally with one another. CeeBee and I loved one another, passionately, even though we weren't the same species. I called him, my 'feather-chested studmuffin', and he showed me, he felt very loved, by me, and was, very happy, with me, in our life together. I miss him! I don't want another bird, though. Nobody could ever replace him or what we had together, and after my being the nurturer to others all my life THIS is MY TIME for ME and MY needs, as best I can meet them, given the inevitable limitations of life.
I could write, several, long, blog posts, about CeeBee, and NEVER cover it all. We were soul mates. I feel tears trying to start as I type this because of the pain and joy, of remembering, all, the things, that I am, about him, now, to write this post. This one will have to suffice. I have photographs of CeeBee throughout my home, to this day, and I THANK GOD FOR HIM, STILL, even though, he waits, in Heaven, for me, now. I am greatly comforted to know that, when I am with him, again, we
will be TOGETHER FOREVER! I am starting to cry now. I am SO GRATEFUL to God for Him BLESSING ME WITH CEEBEE. I am ALSO GRATEFUL to CeeBee. He taught me SO MUCH about LOVE. UNCONDITIONAL, LOVE. Even, INTIMATE love. CeeBee was, my, LONGEST, CLOSEST, RELATIONSHIP, that I EVER had, with ANYBODY, on this earth, at, just under, 20 years, together. Even so, it was never long enough. I will put some pictures, of him, at the end of this post. I need to try to go on, with writing this, now, though, because it is making me really sad, and there are some things that, I simply, have to, talk about, here, for the saga of CeeBee and I to be understood. . . .
At what would turn out to be the end of his life, we had to move to a much lower level of apartment, because I couldn't be employed, as a dancer, anymore at age 55, which is how old I was when CeeBee got sick and died, and the economy had tanked. ALOT. Although, it was, recovering, statistics, showed, that, middle-aged, females, were the last ones being hired, or getting good jobs, as it did so, at that time. That, impacted me, of course; and CeeBee, as well. We had to leave luxury living behind, during those, leaner times, especially, in the years after I could not work as a dancer any longer, which had provided me the most money. Eventually we had to move into this third floor walk-up. I cleaned it up the best I could, and made it into a comfortable home for the two of us. CeeBee liked to climb up onto his tallest cage, by the livingroom window, to look out the window and watch the birds and people outside. (I am TRYING SO HARD, not to CRY, as I try to tell this part, of the story.) There were a couple of, really mean-spirited, women who had become embittered by life, and wanted to bring me down to their level of misery, that lived in that building. One of them-- the 'ringleader'-- lived, just below, us. I had 'laid hands' on her back, and prayed fervently, for her healing, when we first met, having no idea, how treacherous she was, at the time, because she claimed to be a Christian, too. There have been SO MANY TIMES, in my life, that, jealous, bitches have tried to WIPE THE SMILE OFF MY FACE and TAKE THE JOY FROM MY HEART, just because, I am usually smiling and upbeat, despite my circumstances, so these miserable souls think that I'm not afflicted with heartache and problems like THEY ARE, and they decide to THEREFORE CREATE SOME FOR ME. They have NO idea AT ALL, that, if it weren't for the sheer GRACE OF GOD, I would not even be ALIVE, NOW, BECAUSE, of, ALL, THAT I HAVE BEEN, PUT THROUGH, in my life.
She resented us for moving in above her, just because she could hear me walking around, and CeeBee, would chirp-- loudly-- for about 5 full minutes, every time, I returned home, from being gone, anywhere, at all, as if he hadn't set eyes on me, for a decade, instead of just part of a day. Because she was nice to my face, I had no idea what she was really like-- at first. I took her at face value, and treated her with neighborly friendliness and concern. I don't choose to live like that, anymore. Someone, living, near me, is NOT AT ALL enough REASON, for me to assume they are going to treat me right, or be the kind of human being that I even WANT to be FRIENDS with. PROXIMITY to my HOME does NOT equal ACCESS to my LIFE, or to MY BUSINESS. I learned that, the hard way, when, IT COST ME CEEBEE; AND due to OTHER problems, that people, have created for me, just because they live near me. I didn't KNOW at first that she was unhappy with us living above her, and she would ask me questions, that I answered honestly, because I didn't know that she was a DANGER to WHAT MATTERED MOST TO ME-- CeeBee. In, one, conversation, she asked me what were safety hazards for my bird baby, and I told her. Included on the list, were certain, fumes, and, especially deadly, were the fumes that come off of, overheated, nonstick, cookware. I told her, how I had tossed out ALL of my non-stick pots and pans when I got CeeBee once I learned how deadly they could be for birds. There is documentation that, just a small amount of those fumes can kill a small bird, like CeeBee, and that the fumes can travel through entire homes, killing birds that are not even near the kitchen. Such fumes can also escape into a neighbor's apartment, through openings, between the two places, such as around the HVAC, and plumbing pipes, and such. I had, emphasized, the danger, of these types of fumes, in our conversation, because I thought that, since she CARED (or, so, I had THOUGHT AT THE TIME), SHE would even be EXTRA CAREFUL about the heat of her stove, or oven, not getting hot enough to release such toxic chemicals into the air, which could, affect CeeBee. I couldn't always be home, because I had to go to work. I was only able to get part-time work, in a mall clothing store. So I needed every dollar, to cover the money, I owed, to the landlord, and I relied on a SNAP card, and some food pantries, for the food, that I got, during that season of our situation. Not long after that conversation, with her, though, I started hearing her smoke alarm going off in her apartment frequently. Becoming very concerned and fearful for CeeBee's safety I knocked on her door and asked her about it. She simply said, that she would be more careful, but also replied, to my question, that she was, using NONSTICK, pots and pans, which were, clearly, overheating, often.
I can't say, for sure, that, SHE KILLED MY BABY, but I strongly suspect she did, or at the very least, hastened his demise. He was nearly 20 years old by that time. I had always made sure he got great veterinary care. He even got Well Baby check-ups, just to stay on top of, all his health needs, and catch anything, that might be wrong; early on. I referred to his doctor as his 'PETiatrician'! When CeeBee had to go to the vet, he would be agitated as he waited in the exam room for the doctor, so I would hold him close to my heart, and sing to him, adapting a Stevie Wonder song, 'My Cherie Amour', by saying instead "My CeeBee Marie, my precious angel bird from God. My CeeBee Marie, my precious angel bird, from God! My CeeBee Marie, my precious angel bird, that God sent me. My precious angel bird from God." (I am starting to cry, typing this, now. It's hard to see the keys through my tears, to type. I have to pause, until, I can stop, crying, before, I can go on.) The vet, said that, CeeBee was the TAMEST bird, he had EVER seen. CeeBee's and my LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER was, literally, LEGENDARY, for anyone, WHO KNEW US!
We were, a TRUE LOVE STORY. I OPENED MY HEART, to this 'little man', that God sent, into my life, to keep me from completely closing my heart, after my abusive husband, BROKE ME; BODY, SOUL, AND SPIRIT. I DIDN'T WANT TO, LOVE AGAIN, but GOD, knew that, I NEEDED to. He sent a SAFE and SPECIAL relationship, with CeeBee to HEAL MY BROKEN HEART and to BLESS MY LIFE with HIS PRESENCE in it. I used to say, to CeeBee, as I held him close to my heart, cupping him with my hand, and kissing him on top of his head, that, "I can tell, how MUCH God LOVES me, CeeBee, because out of ALL the mommies that have EVER lived on this earth He LET ME BE YOUR MOMMY!" After my knowing the love of GOD, as my greatest blessing, experiencing, the life and love that CeeBee and I shared, together, for, 2 decades, was my second-greatest blessing of my ENTIRE life. I DON'T EVEN HAVE a HUMAN ranking in the TOP THREE, because the third one is, my having a home. I have gone through homelessness, and domestic abuse, so having my own 'safe' place to live is TRULY, a blessing, from God; that is the ONLY, ACTUAL, 'Desire of my HEART' that God has EVER ALLOWED ME TO HAVE; for whatever reason. I AM SO GRATEFUL for it, and honestly, STILL expect to wake up, and realize that THIS ISN'T REAL, but is JUST A DREAM. LIFE has taught ME that I DON'T DESERVE any REALLY GOOD BLESSINGS. So, the couple of times, I have gotten those, I haven't felt I even DESERVED them and have always felt afraid that I couldn't KEEP them!
I am SO UNUSED to something AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL, happening, to me, that when it DOES, I DON'T KNOW HOW, to HANDLE that, because I feel like it is JUST a DREAM that will VANISH, and I couldn't bear, more, heartache, than I have had.
CeeBee had some illnesses and injuries, in his life, but he had always gotten well; BEFORE NOW. One day, when the, downstairs, neighbor's, smoke alarm, went off, again, I rushed, down there, and knocked, on her door, asking her to, PLEASE, BE MORE CAREFUL. I told her that those fumes weren't good for HER health, either. I realized then, that she was doing this DELIBERATELY. Other things began to come to light, around that time, as well, revealing her actual motives and behavior. She had turned the landlady against me, whom I had gotten along extremely well with at first, by telling her that, I was complaining, about things, like the laundry room not being clean, et cetera, when I NEVER HAD! The landlady was a Christian, too, so, as I prayed about, what was going on, behind my back, that, I hadn't, figured out, quite yet, God led me to have a conversation with her, to clear things up, and she realized that Denise was the one that had come to her claiming that I was the one, complaining, when I had never had ANY conversations, with this neighbor, AT ALL, about any such thing! She and I realized, simultaneously, that, this neighbor, of mine, was actually the instigator. I HATE to have to say what I did NEXT, after I REALIZED what I was dealing with, from Denise, this downstairs neighbor. When I got home from work, the next day, and CeeBee began his usual, daily, 5-minutes-long, loud chirping, because of his UNBOUNDED JOY at HIS MOMMY getting home,
I PANICKED, and STRUCK HIM, in the MOUTH, by, sharply, hitting, his beak. I was crying, after he just stopped, looking at his very loving Mommy in PURE SHOCK. I had a DESPERATE urge, to TRY to SHUT HIM UP (squelching his JOY!), attempting to, prevent him from DISTURBING DENISE downstairs, because NOW I REALIZED, that SHE, was TRYING to KILL HIM. There was NOTHING, the landlady nor I could DO, because, she had every right, to cook with, WHATEVER, PANS, she wanted to. I had NEVER hit CeeBee, before that, or after that, but it broke his heart and mine that I did that, even this once. I didn't know HOW to PROTECT MY BABY from this!
I wasn't, financially, able, to move us, out of there. I felt so helpless, and sad. Not long, after that, CeeBee began to refuse to get in his carrier basket, to go outside, for walks. He had NEVER done that, before. Now, he, regularly, did it. His appetite became quite poor. I, desperately, researched, ANY, CURES for, or HELP with, this, online; after, he went to bed at night, and I told him, I loved him, and covered his cage, for the night. My friend and CeeBee's, 'Uncle' Jack, came, to take me, to get CeeBee some special dietary items, which, we hoped would help. Wheatgrass was recommended, for him, because his vet said that he had also developed fatty liver syndrome. It detoxifies and regenerates the liver. Fatty liver disease can cause the death of cockatiels, like CeeBee. I had tried my best to give him a healthy diet but now he was, obviously, NOT FEELING WELL AT ALL and I was LOSING MY MIND as I tried to find SOMETHING to HELP him! I CRIED OUT TO GOD! I did not think that I could SURVIVE the LOSS of my BELOVED BABY. My LIFE COMPANION-- the BEST and MOST LASTING, I have ever known, to this day. I've NEVER experienced, ANY LOVE, LIKE THIS, WITH ANYONE ELSE, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! I was, the BEST, 'me', when, I was with CeeBee, BECAUSE OF, HIS LOVE FOR ME. God, began to prepare me, although I STILL FOUGHT IT (I am crying AGAIN, NOW, typing THIS), and the 'reality check' came for me when I called his vet-- who KNEW how MUCH I LOVED CeeBee, and how CLOSE, we were, to one another-- the day before CeeBee would 'fly Home to Heaven', leaving me behind, on this earth, WITHOUT HIM, and alone. I KNEW, when I called the doctor in tears, begging them for ANYTHING they could DO, for CeeBee, and they said, "There is NOTHING ELSE, that WE can DO", that, I was about to lose my SOULMATE. I just CLUNG to the Grace of GOD, trusting Him, with this excruciating, soul-searing, PAIN that I was in. He would HAVE TO get me THROUGH THIS, or I would, NEVER, SURVIVE, THIS, LOSS. (I am CRYING, NOW.)
During, our last days, together, CeeBee tried to climb up his tall cage by the front window, where he loved to look out, but, his strength was failing him. It was July, and very hot weather. Even so, he was, EXTREMELY FLUFFED UP, in a way, he had NEVER been, before, trying, to keep warm. So, I turned on the HEAT, when, I was needing the air conditioning, in this Heat Wave, and I even, KEPT TURNING IT UP, as I tried to make CeeBee, as comfortable, as possible. At this point, he had been feeling unwell, for weeks, and I had made sure, to stay home, with him, when, he seemed to need me, to be there, for him, now. I was sweltering in this apartment with, the heat on, despite the summer temperatures, and I barely took time away from his sight, to bathe, or anything else. When, I would put CeeBee to bed, each night, I would stay up, as long as I could, peeking into the small opening, I left in his cage covering, to check on him. He slept on the upper perch, in his cage, high up, inside it, so that is the height that I had the opening, in the cover, to see him, so that I could look in on him without disturbing him. Then, I got up, as early as I could, with barely any sleep, at all, night after night, to see how he was doing. All I did was FOCUS ON CEEBEE'S NEEDS, those last days of his life. NOTHING ELSE, MATTERED, TO ME, AT ALL. Jack came over, to see how he was doing, because he and CeeBee were buddies ever since I worked with Jack at BODIES the Exhibition where he was a docent, and I ran the Gift Shop. (It was a temporary job, we had, when this traveling exbibit came to Omaha for awhile.) I let Jack know that I was about to lose my "precious Marie" as I, sometimes, also called CeeBee. (That was one of my 'pet' names, for my pet.) I asked Jack to take some photographs, of us together, because I had so few of those. I had taken lots of photos of CeeBee, but it was hard for me to photograph us together well. One, of those, is posted below.
I was just holding CeeBee close to my heart and stroking him softly and tenderly, as Jack snapped a few pictures of us together on what I referred to as 'the loving couch', because THAT is where, CeeBee and I always sat to cuddle together. That same couch is in my home today and I seriously doubt that I will ever part with it. After Jack left, I talked to CeeBee about Heaven, as I continued, to hold him, and stroke him, softly; explaining that he would be going to see Jesus, soon, and that He can do ANYTHING-- INCLUDING MIRACLES-- and that he should communicate with Jesus if he decided he wanted to try to come back to me, while I was still on Earth. I told CeeBee that, if he would rather, wait, for me, there, because Heaven was going to be so beautiful, and his body wouldn't ever get sick, there, that was okay with me, too. At one point, as I spoke to him about these things, he wanted me to put him down on the floor, so I did, and he went straight over to his carrier basket, which, he never did, on his own initiative, like that, before, and turned to look at me, as if to say, "Put me in it, Mommy, and take me (somewhere)." I had no idea, if he thought I could carry him to Heaven, that I was, describing, to him, or if he was telling me that, HE DIDN'T FEEL WELL, and needed, to go to the vet, since he always went THERE in this basket, and he knew that this was who made him well again, when we went there, all, the other times, in his life. Either way, I had to shake my head, and say, "CeeBee, Mommy can't take you there, this time. I can't go to Heaven, with you, yet, and your PETiatrician already told me, when I called them, today, that there is nothing else, that, they, can do now, to help us."
God had been trying to prepare me for the day of CeeBee's death, but no amount of Grace could possibly get me through that day, unscathed, when it finally came.
When it was time for CeeBee to go to bed I sat him up on the highest perch in his cage which was his preferred sleeping spot, because he was too weak to climb up to it on his own now. I told him, "Mommy loves you, CeeBee! Always and forever; In Jesus' Name." I covered the cage, except for, the small opening, directly, level, with the perch, he slept on, to be able to check on him. I, normally, got up, every night, at some point, to pee, and check on him, and, at this point, I was only able to get a couple of, restless, anxious, hours, of sleep, each night. On this particular night, I was so exhausted, that I'd slept longer than I had been, without checking on him, for awhile. The sun was already up, on this hot summer day, and I looked into CeeBee's cage, to see, how my bird baby was doing. (I am crying again, now. I keep having to clear my eyes of tears, to be able to see, to type this.) He wasn't on his perch! HE WASN'T ON HIS PERCH! (I am CRYING SO HARD right now.) I couldn't, see, him, at all, and I CRIED OUT, TO GOD, saying, "I CAN'T DO THIS! I CAN'T! I CAN'T, TAKE THIS COVER OFF THIS CAGE! I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO IT!" I was sobbing. I just couldn't look. There was a FEAR, that I had; that I had, SILENTLY, prayed, to God, about, but had NEVER SPOKEN OUT LOUD, including in CeeBee's hearing. So, he COULDN'T have KNOWN about it at all. But, GOD, knew. I had ONLY, SILENTLY, TOLD GOD, about this! I had, told Him, that, whenever, He would, require, me, to lose CeeBee, that the ONE thing, I ABSOLUTELY COULDN'T HANDLE, in that horrible situation, would be for, CeeBee to be found dead, LYING ON HIS BACK, with his TOES, curled tight, like I had seen in wild birds, that I had come across, outside. It was awhile, before I could bring myself to take the cover off the cage, so I could look inside of it, fully. I could only see the high perch in it, where CeeBee always slept, through the small opening that I had left in the cover the night before. I cried out to God, to HELP me, and He did more, for me, in that awful, heartbreaking, moment, than I could EVER have HOPED FOR. God is good!
I, very, slowly, began to open the cage cover, from the top down. As I looked in at each level, as I headed downward from the top to the bottom of the cage, CeeBee was nowhere to be seen. As I got to the last part, where I would HAVE TO see the bottom, of the cage, I thought it would be the death of me, if I had to see him, on his back, with his talons curled in, tightly, like EVERY DEAD BIRD that I HAD EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE had looked. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Hoping against hope for a miracle, that I would see him there, ALIVE, I finished dropping the cover around the base of his cage, and, there he was. On the bottom of the cage. He was dead. But, to my GRATEFUL AMAZEMENT, God has ANSWERED THAT ONE PRAYER that I had, about my having to deal with this, unspeakable, moment, of grief, in my life.
At some point, CeeBee had managed to get down from his high perch, to the floor of the cage. Whether, he fell off, the perch, from being too weak, and sick, to hold on, to it, any longer, or whether, he, somehow, managed, to climb down, with, the last strength, he had, in his little body, before he passed away, I have no idea. He, was STANDING UP, beside, the DOOR, to his cage. (I'm fighting tears, all through, trying to write this. IT IS SO HARD; even all these years later. OUR LOVE WAS SO DEEP AND REAL.) His feet, were both standing up, UNCURLED, looking OPEN, and as normal, as they did, his entire life, when he was alive. GOD, IS SO, MERCIFUL!
The ONLY way, I even knew, he was DEAD, was because, although, he stood, fully upright, feet flat on the floor, as if he were still alive, his head was leaning against the cage bars, right next to the door I brought him out of each day to hold him on my hand, to love on him. It was STILL, HEARTBREAKING, because HE WAS GONE. But, God, GAVE ME ANOTHER MIRACLE, through my CeeBee, THAT DAY. If EVER I KNEW that something was SURELY A GOD THING, in MY life, it was this! GOD had sent CeeBee Marie, to me, and through him, and that relationship, MIRACLES had happened, FOR ME, and IN ME. That little bird CHANGED WHO I AM, and MY LIFE,
FOREVER.
LOVE has a way of DOING THAT.
REAL love.
I have not, experienced that with another human being, in my lifetime. Not really. Or, at least, not FULLY. BUT, NOW, I KNOW-- I, ACTUALLY, KNOW!-- WHAT, REAL, LOVE, IS; and what it FEELS like in my heart. I don't even ASK God for that, with a person, because, for ME, Miss 'Damaged Goods', that seems, TRULY impossible; and there's like a CURSE ON ME, or SOMETHING, that ANYONE that I could really love, is someone that, there's NO WAY that could EVER happen with them. I am a realist. IT IS WHAT IT IS. It has always been this way for me. It's TOO LATE, now.
If CeeBee had to go, he went, in the best way, possible, given the situation. I felt deeply, sorrowful, and guilty, though, for NOT, BEING, THERE, FOR HIM, to, JUST HOLD HIM, when, his time came, to 'fly Home to Heaven'. Besides the fact that I was physically, mentally, and emotionally, exhausted, by that time, I have to say, in full disclosure, that I was ALSO A SELFISH COWARD, about it. I did not think I could handle it, so I AVOIDED BEING THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED. In other words I DIDN'T KNOW WHEN he would actually die, but had I checked on him that night and found him, still alive, standing there, by the cage door, obviously, waiting for, or hoping for, ME, to HOLD HIM, WHILE, HE DIED, IN, MY HANDS, I TRULY DON'T THINK THAT I COULD HAVE HANDLED THAT. I was a complete wreck, as it was. I called Jack, and was sobbing so hard, he could barely understand anything that I was saying to him. Wanting to memorialize CeeBee in the moment that I knew of his passing, I took his tape recorder (that I had used to make him tapes of us, so that he could listen to those, and be comforted by them, when I had to leave him to go to work) and recorded what I was doing and feeling now. I made a cassette tape, of me, doing things like calling Jack, to tell him that CeeBee had died. I just let myself be uncensored and open about my grief, as I tried to describe how God had done a TREMENDOUSLY COMFORTING Miracle, for me, with how I found him, standing!-- with his feet flat!-- not lying on his back-- and his toes, not, curled in.
I don't know how long, old cassette tapes, hold up, before they're just not able to even be played, anymore. Those tapes have been moved several times since then and have been through alot. But, I have still, to THIS day, NEVER PLAYED THAT. I just CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO LISTEN TO THEM, AT ALL. It traumatizes me, to try.
I, still, have, the tape, these, 11, years, later, and I STILL CANNOT LISTEN TO IT.
When it comes to really LOVING someone, DEEPLY like THIS, I'm a real COWARD.
It is SO INTENSE, IN ME, that I JUST DON'T THINK THAT I CAN HANDLE IT, at all.
Nothing, about HUMAN relationships, has ever convinced me that it's SAFE for me to LOVE THEM THIS DEEPLY. I've had a lifetime of truly traumatizing relationships so I am terrified to ever love another person as deeply as I allowed myself to love CeeBee. I had almost 20 years with CeeBee, though, to 'bloom' within that sacred space that was our relationship with one another. More importantly, from the very moment, that CeeBee and I met one another, IT WAS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR TO ME, that this was ABSOLUTELY a GOD-ORDAINED RELATIONSHIP, blessed, to succeed, through any and all obstacles in our path. I NEEDED, that kind, of REASSURANCE. That was the very thing that caused me to overcome my cowardice from the start.
I KNEW that if THIS was a GOD thing, for me, that HE would work it all out for us.
And, He DID.
IT WAS AMAZING!
The LOVE, that CeeBee and I shared-- and STILL DO!-- even though it's spirit-to-spirit, for now.
HE DID, COME BACK, TO ME, ONCE, THOUGH; ON THIS EARTH, IN THIS LIFE. As a Christian, I am well aware that, generally speaking, alot of them are taught not to believe in reincarnation. But I have learned that God CANNOT BE BOXED IN or LIMITED by our LACK OF FAITH OR UNDERSTANDING. He is everywhere, at once. He, created everything. He can do, whatever, He wants to. Details matter to Him!
What God does is, always, about LOVE.
There are many things online about pet reincarnation, but what I will share here isn't theories or conjectures, but my very own, personal, experience, with this. I have been someone who, is very spiritually attuned (although, people who know me best, sometimes will, rightfully, point out, that I am, uniquely, and unusually, able to exist, nearly simultaneously, in both, the spiritual, and physical, realms). When I don't have answers that I need, in my life, I always look first to Signs or clues manifesting in a spiritual way. Miracles and what are called God Winks, are happening all around us and in our lives, constantly, but more often than not we either fail to see them, for whatever reason (too busy, distracted, cynical, jaded, unbelieving, et cetera), or we simply, shrug them off, dismissing them, as being, insignificant, when they, actually, are trying to tell us something to help or bless us. Not only did God give me ANOTHER really significant MIRACLE, when CeeBee left his 'earthsuit' in the amazing way that he did-- which was, SUCH A 'GIFT' TO ME, in my time of all-consuming grief, but almost immediately, another BIG Sign took place, that took me about 3 or so times to REALIZE that IT WAS A SIGN TO ME! I was in such pain and heartache over CeeBee leaving me that, it took me a while, before it sank in, through all that, that THIS WAS, IN FACT, A VERY CLEAR SIGN, TO ME! Specifically, God gave me a Sign-- ALMOST RIGHT AWAY, after the death of my beloved bird-- that CeeBee WAS INDEED COMING BACK, TO ME, ON EARTH. I JUST KEPT MISSING THE SIGN, until, in SHEER FRUSTRATION, about it, I finally REALIZED, WHAT WAS HAPPENING-- and WHY. Then, I just, TRUSTED, it.
I hurt so badly from the loss of CeeBee that, especially, just after he passed, my, grieving, felt, PALPABLE. My HEART HURT, SO MUCH, that it, LITERALLY, felt like, CeeBee was, WALKING AROUND INSIDE, the PHYSICAL chambers of my heart! It was SO PAINFUL. I often felt like I couldn't BREATHE and when I broke down into sobs, they sounded more like some wild, wounded, animal, than anything coming out of a human being. I had never heard heard sounds like THAT come out of me.
Because I was in such grief, and I knew that I never wanted another bird because no one could EVER replace CeeBee for me, I called the Nebraska Humane Society, right away, after CeeBee died, to offer them all of his things. He had been a, well-cared for, bird-baby, by me. Spoiled, in every way, that I could do, for him. In the almost-20-years that we had together I had accumulated several cages of various sizes, from the smallest, to the largest, floor-standing, size. I had lots of food and water dishes, for him. There were stacks of boxes, that had assorted perches and toys inside them. It was alot of stuff, that I couldn't bear to look at, now, because I KNEW that I would NEVER want another bird. CeeBee was my SOULMATE. When I called the humane society, the call went to voicemail, so I left my phone number and told them, VERY SPECIFICALLY, that MY pet had just passed away, and that, I wanted to DONATE all of his things to them for the birds there. With CeeBee gone I was finally able to take time to shower, and try, to get some sleep. Before, I did, any of that, though, I went to the hardware store and bought supplies to bury his body. I encased it in several layers of assorted things, then placed it in a suitcase, because, I lived in an apartment, where I had no land, that I owned, to be able to bury him, and I could not bring myself to just toss his body into the dumpster like it was trash. I tucked his 'bead baby' into the side pocket of the suitcase. This was
his favorite toy. It was egg-shaped, and he, diligently, nested over it, protectively, as male cockatiels also do, as if it were, our baby, that he was trying to hatch. HE NEVER GAVE UP ON NURTURING that egg-like toy, to his dying day; as he tried to birth, what he, clearly, saw as his baby, according to natural instincts, that he had about it. When I got back, from buying the burial supplies, there was, a voicemail, from the Nebraska Humane Society, returning my call to them, which said, to me:
We are so sorry that you lost your bird. If anyone turns it into us, here, we saved your Contact Information, and will call you. Please call us back, when you get this message, though, with, a further description, of your, Lost Pet, so that, we will be able to identify it, for you, should someone find your bird and turn in it to us here.
I could NOT understand HOW they could POSSIBLY have MISUNDERSTOOD what my voicemail to them had said, about my wanting to donate all of CeeBee's toys and things to them because he had passed away, and I was not going to want to get another bird. It was VERY CONFUSING TO ME! Determined, to get the things out of my apartment, and therefore out of my sight-- because even though, he'd JUST DIED, I was in such searing pain, that I could not bear to look at any of his belongings, anymore-- I CALLED the Nebraska Humane Society, a SECOND time, and left ANOTHER voicemail, explaining, through my tears, as clearly, as I could, that my bird had just passed away, so I wanted to give all his things to them, for the birds that they had at their shelter. I told them, it was, several cages, dishes, toys, perches, et cetera. Then, I could not delay it, any longer, so I had to, touch, my baby's lifeless body, from where it still stood, upright; right by the door of his cage, but standing up on the floor, there, as if he were waiting for his Mommy, to come, and take him out of there, and hold him. MY HEART WAS JUST BREAKING! I got that done, and was cleaning out his cage, which, he had just been in, when my phone rang and I let that go to voicemail, because, what I was doing, was all that I could deal with, at that moment. I was crying. When I played the message a little later on, I was incredulous to hear that the Nebraska Humane Society had left me a SECOND message saying, AGAIN, that, no one had turned in a lost pet, that matched the description I had left them, but that, they would keep all of the Contact Information for me, and would let me know if anyone turned that bird in.
?!?!?
I could not understand, AT ALL, WHY, these people, couldn't comprehend WHAT I WAS TELLING THEM!!! That shelter even has, several, extensions, for the various departments, and I had NOT been leaving, MY messages, to them, on the one for Lost and Found animals. I was, completely, confused, by their two return calls, to me, and it was getting irritating, at this point, because each time I called them, I had to KEEP REPEATING THE FACT that MY BIRD HAD JUST PASSED AWAY, which was VERY PAINFUL FOR ME to have to keep articulating; since he had, JUST died. So, feeling a little angry, at what I saw as either their ineptitude or insensitivity, I called them AGAIN, and in a very clipped manner, which emphasized every single word, that I was saying, to them, I left ANOTHER voicemail, for the APPROPRIATE department, CAREFULLY and CLEARLY EXPLAINING to them that . . . "MY BIRD IS NOT LOST! He PASSED AWAY, TODAY! HE IS, DEAD, as in, NO LONGER ALIVE, ON THIS EARTH! NO ONE, will be TURNING HIM IN to you as a LOST PET, because he FLEW HOME, TO HEAVEN, and is, NO LONGER LIVING, ON THIS EARTH. MY BIRD, IS DEAD! So, if you would LIKE to have all of his belongings, for the birds living in your shelter, please, call me back, ABOUT, THAT! THANK YOU." I went to take my shower, then, and afterward I found another message from the shelter, which was continuing, this insanity, of their SEEMINGLY COMPLETE lack of COMPREHENSION. I COULD NOT BELIEVE that they left me ANOTHER message actually saying to me that . . . they were sorry that my pet was lost, but if anyone found it and turned it into the shelter, they would let me know. At that moment, of pain, and frustration, and anger, and sobbing, I FINALLY REALIZED, WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH HERE!
SOMETHING SUPERNATURAL had to be going on with this BLOCKING of my trying to GIVE ALL CEEBEE'S THINGS AWAY. This, agency, could not POSSIBLY have, this many, different, employees, hearing, my voicemails, to them, and EACH OF THEM, seeming to think that I was saying to them that, my PET WAS LOST; not DEAD! It had been, DIFFERENT, employees, calling me back, each time, and leaving, these, weird, replies. If they just, did not want the things, I was offering them, I believe, they would have just SAID that, in at least ONE, of these voicemails, to me. There was no way, I could reach, an actual person, when I called there, which forced me to leave several voicemails, now, that were as CLEAR as I could MAKE them. WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD, "DIED"?!? It took, ALL this, before, it FINALLY DAWNED ON ME that, my efforts to do this, were, definitely, being thwarted, and I realized that, it was, a CLEAR MESSAGE, FROM, GOD, TO ME . . . letting me know, that, I SHOULD NOT give CeeBee's things away, because HE WOULD BE NEEDING THEM, again. I didn't know HOW, I didn't know WHEN, but I suddenly KNEW THAT I KNEW, that, this, was the ONLY possible EXPLANATION, for this bizarre series of voicemails from the shelter. Especially because, I was SO VERY CLEAR about what I was saying, to them. So, I kept, all of CeeBee's belongings; but I did, move that large, floor-standing, cage, which had been right by the livingroom window where CeeBee loved to sit and look outside. I placed it in the far corner of the room, and covered it with a dark sheet. Then, as best I could, and TRUSTING GOD, although I didn't UNDERSTAND WHEN, or HOW, this would HAPPEN, I did my best to go on, with my life, without my precious bird baby. There was such a void in my life now.
One afternoon, several months, later, when, the days, had started, getting colder, and dusk, came alot earlier, I had been sitting on the sofa doing my Bible study. I looked up and realized that because it was just starting to get dark now, I did not have, the privacy, I preferred, since, my window shade was still open. So, I stood up from where I'd been sitting, and walked over to the window to shut the shade. Just as I did that, I saw something in the air, in that room, and gasped as I saw a semi-transparent form which I could see through, that LOOKED like, CeeBee, and was grayish-white, in coloring. It was flying toward, where CeeBee's cage used to be by that window, and it had stopped in mid-air, and did that, 'Oh, CRAP! I don't know what to do now!' type of, momentary HOVER, that CeeBee used to do when he would be flying around our apartment, and realize that, he didn't have, a good place to land. Then, HE VANISHED INTO THIN AIR! This was, both, unsettling and encouraging, to me, all at once. My, CeeBee, was TRYING, TO COME HOME! I just didn't want to continue, living in this place, where, CeeBee, had left his earthsuit, and where, that bitch, downstairs, had, most likely, hastened the sharp decline in his health, as well; so I packed up and moved away from that place and all those bad memories. I spoke out loud to CeeBee's spirit, often, though (I still do to this day), and I made sure to TELL HIM that 'we were moving' and that, his spirit was to be sure to stay attached to ME, and NOT THIS APARTMENT, we had lived in, so that he would know where I was, when he finally figured out with God's Help how to come home to me. That, was the only time, I saw, his spirit, in that apartment.
After I moved, and got unpacked and settled in to the new place, I made a list to go shopping, for some things that I needed, for it. All of CeeBee's belongings had made the move, as well, although, I still had that, largest, floor-standing, cage in the corner, covered by a dark sheet. The rest of his things were stacked in boxes, beside it. I didn't know how long, the process, would take, or, frankly, whether he would have the life-force or energy needed to carry it off beyond what I had seen him try to do, so far, to manifest himself. I did occasionally see that apparition, of CeeBee, flying around the new apartment, for a few seconds, at the most, before it vanished from sight. I continued to speak to him spirit-to-spirit, telling him that if he just couldn't manage, to do it, not to feel badly, about it, because, we will be together, someday, for all eternity. I didn't want him to feel frustrated, about it, if it just couldn't happen, for him, despite what appeared to be his best efforts at it.
I tried to comfort him, and cheer him up, by inviting his spirit to go along with me down to the Old Market-- one of his favorite places, to sit with me, and watch, the world, go by. I could FEEL CeeBee's presence with me fairly often but I rarely saw the ghostlike image of him. It was just not a constant thing. I knew he was trying. This day, that I went shopping, for the last of the 'finishing touches', that this new apartment needed, to finally be 'all done', I was really focused on finding all those things, and making sure that they were the best price, that I could get them for. I was not even thinking about CeeBee, during that shopping trip, because of all the hunting for the items, and doing price comparisons, that I was concentrating on. I was blindsided, therefore, when I stepped outside of a store, to look at my list, to see which direction I wanted to go in, with that, next, and I heard CeeBee, speak, to me then, in a clear and understandable way; yet, it was internal, and had been spirit-to-spirit. As surely, as I knew anything, in my life, I, heard, CeeBee's, spirit, say, to me, "Mommy! I'm coming BACK! And, THIS time, I WANT to be YELLOW!"
As he spoke this, he seemed to be directing my sight, to look across the street, at a pet store. Not only had I not been thinking about CeeBee AT ALL, prior to this, I did not have, ANY trip, to ANY pet store, on my LIST, either, or on my MIND. This, could NOT BE IGNORED, though, so I walked over there, since, CeeBee had made me aware, that, he wanted me to go there; to see, what he might be trying to tell me. On the way there, though, I spoke to him, spirit-to-spirit, and told him that, I was experiencing a financial strain right then, due to the move and expenses with that, and that, cockatiels, like he was, cost more money than I had right then. He needed to know that, but I also did not want to discourage him. I said, "CeeBee, I think that you should ask God to help us with that part, too. If, He has decided, to make a way for you to come home to me again, after you died, which is a miracle, in itself, if it happens, for us, then, He can help me afford to buy you back. He can even make a way to do that, where it costs us nothing-- because HE'S GOD! They won't just let me walk into their pet store, that I'm headed to now, at your urging, and say, 'Oh, THAT is MY bird, who has come back to me, from the dead; so I will just be taking him, home, with me, now.' Stores, SELL things, CeeBee! If, you are telling me, that you've reincarnated, and that, you're IN THIS STORE, now, I have to tell you, that, at this moment, I DO NOT HAVE the MONEY I would NEED to get you OUT of there to take you home. I just spent most of my available cash buying things for the new apartment, because, I didn't know, this was coming up, today!"
When I entered the pet store I immediately asked the first employee I saw then if they sold cockatiels, and how much they cost there. I couldn't possibly explain, to them, what was going on! Only people of faith, or crazy people, or both, would be able to grasp what I was saying, on any level of understanding, about the concept OR the situation. >sigh!< I felt, a little concerned, as to whether CeeBee actually knew, what he was talking about, when they replied that, the only birds, they sell, are budgies, AKA parakeets, and they pointed back to the tall glass enclosure that housed them all. I was glad they didn't come back there with me, to assist me, as I had NO IDEA, WHAT CeeBee was TRYING to tell me-- other than, he, apparently, wanted to see if 'blonds have more fun', as they say, because, he told me that, he wanted to be yellow, instead of, mostly gray, like he was in his, original, cockatiel, body. I walked around the bird pen, looking intently, at every bird in it, asking the yellow ones, in a whisper, as I tried my best to avoid looking like a CRAZY person, to the staff and customers, in there, who were milling about, "CeeBee! IS THAT, YOU?" I spent a good deal of time, in there, doing that, and in the end, I just did not feel, in my spirit, that CeeBee was reincarnated as one of the birds in there. I left, the store, telling him, as much, spirit-to-spirit, as I headed home. >sigh!< I just couldn't put the pieces of this puzzle together! CeeBee, had been a cockatiel. Did he, NOT KNOW, when he directed me to go into that pet store, that they only had budgies? Some of those were yellow, but none of them seemed to be him, as I interacted with them, in there, looking for a clue, or a confirmation, from one of them, that, never, happened. Some, cockatiels, are yellow, too, but there weren't any, of them, in there. They, didn't even sell those, in that store! I had spent alot of time in there, interacting with the budgies, which were all that they had, there. When it was all said and done it didn't seem to me that any of them were CeeBee. CeeBee had 'flown home to Heaven' the previous year on July 17, 2011, and I did not know exactly when or how God would DO THIS THING FOR US, but I KNEW in my SPIRIT, that all the Signs were there, to indicate that this miracle was coming.
On, May 22, 2012, I was watching the national, evening, news broadcast. I like to stay well-informed, on, local, national, and world, events; and ABC News had just come on TV, with their nightly broadcast. It was springtime, now, and I could hear the children, that lived in this, large, apartment complex, that I moved to, playing out in the front courtyard. It was a group, of preteen boys, that were a bit unruly, and had a tendency to, often, do things, that, they shouldn't, because, they never seemed to be supervised by any adults. I had my back door open, to get fresh air. It faced the alley, just behind my building. Just beyond that, was a tall fence, that encircled the elementary school next door to the apartment complex. I was trying to hear the newcast, over the noise the boys were making, out front, that I heard, all-too-clearly, through my window screen. They seemed, to be trying, to tease, a squirrel in the courtyard, for entertainment. I had spoken to these boys before, to no avail, and to their parents, about their activities, around the apartments. Right at that moment, I heard the Holy Spirit, within me, direct me to look outside, the, open, back door, to my apartment. I was really focused on the news, so I, quickly, looked out my back door, but saw nothing, that struck me as unusual; and as God so often does, with us, He didn't EXPLAIN WHAT HE MEANT. He just, expected me to obey; which I did, but didn't see anything, that looked, out of the ordinary. As I went back to watching the news, the Holy Spirit told me, AGAIN, to GO LOOK OUT MY BACK DOOR. I did, and all I noticed, this time, was what looked like one of the tiny wild birds, that are often seen laying dead on the city sidewalks, after a harsh storm, with high winds; standing on the chain-link fence of the school. Other than that, nothing, looked out of the ordinary, at all. So, a second, time, I went back to watching the news, after obeying the Holy Spirit, immediately, both times, but not seeing anything unusual-- and He wasn't TELLING me WHAT I SHOULD SEE! I did hear, that, rowdy, group of boys, through my window, though, who had just been, making mischief, in the front courtyard, saying that they were going to go back to the alley, to go onto the school playground, just on the other side of the fence. As I heard them, saying that, and they started around, toward the back, the Spirit of God spoke much more loudly and insistently in my spirit, saying, a THIRD time, to GO LOOK OUTSIDE! By that time, I KNEW I needed to FIGURE OUT whatever He was being SO INSISTENT about, so I put on my flipflops quickly and headed down the back stairs, to the alley, and toward the fence, where that little bird still stood.
The, only, reason I did that, was because, God knew, that those boys, mistreated, wildlife, and since, that little bird-- that I had thought, from afar, was one of those wild birds, frequently seen around the city-- was still standing in the same spot on the fence, I was concerned that it might be injured and unable to fly or something like that, and that, the boys, who were going to be back there, any moment, now, would probably 'finish it off' if it were in any way vulnerable enough to be a victim of their boredom and brutality. I thought that I would, at least, check on it, to see about its condition, and try my best, to help it, if it needed help. I wanted to keep it safe from those boy bullies! As I approached it, though, I realized that it wasn't one of those wild birds, at all, but, a . . . yellow . . . budgie! As soon as, I could see WHAT it was, I immediately KNEW what the Holy Spirit had kept trying to tell me, and I knew, WHO it was! CeeBee, WAS HOME! HE DID IT! By God's, amazing Grace, HE WAS BACK! I have seen quite a few escaped birds, of this breed, in my lifetime, and NEVER, if I tried, to help, one of them, did they stay put, and let me touch them. They ALWAYS FLEW OFF, OUT OF FEAR! Because, it was, God's, Holy Spirit, who KEPT telling me, about THIS one, and CeeBee had told me he wanted to come back yellow, directing me to a pet store, that ONLY SOLD THIS BREED, I KNEW THAT I KNEW THAT I KNEW, that THIS was CeeBee! The, puzzle pieces, all came together and the picture was finally CLEAR to me. As I approached him and the mean boys were, just coming around the corner, headed that way, I just said, "CeeBee! GET ON!" as I sat my hand beside him, along the top of the fence. He immediately got on my hand and stayed put as I left the fence and walked across the alley, climbing up the back stairs to my apartment. To HIS home. OUR home! He wasn't injured in any way either. He had just sat on the fence right behind my apartment, where God had either placed him or directed him, and waited for me!
Once inside, I set him down on the window sill so he could look outside and I said to him, "Welcome home, CeeBee! Sit right there while Mommy sets up your cage, and food and water dishes, and toys for you." And, he did! He just sat and calmly watched me reassemble his belongings, for him, and then he went in his cage, to rest. Because of God giving me so many Signs that CeeBee would return to me, I had made sure to keep a container of fresh bird seed available, in my apartment, at all times, to be able to feed him, if this happened, and he made it home. I felt, that I STILL needed to check to see if anyone in the area had lost their budgie, to cover all the bases, so I did everything in my power, for a few weeks, to find any, other, possible, pet parent, of this bird. Nobody seemed to have lost this bird. So, based on, all the evidence, that I had, and the fact that, CeeBee's behaviors were so similar, this time around, despite his being a different breed of bird, now, I just accepted that God had done STILL ANOTHER MAJOR MIRACLE, in my life, through CeeBee, and our deep, abiding, love, for one another. Because CeeBee CHOSE, to be a budgie, I didn't want to show him, how frustrated that made me. His coat of feathers, as a cockatiel, had been thick, and soft, feeling alot like cat fur, as I had petted and stroked his body, before. Now, his feathers were shorter, and stubbier, and felt courser, to the touch. So, he was, no longer, 'soft and cuddly'. We had so enjoyed doing that, in his former life, and now, we, both, missed that. Other than that, we went back to enjoying our walks with him in his carrier basket, and most of the other things, that we used to do, together. I had to, make adjustments, for his smaller size now, too, though, with whatever we were doing. He didn't do any 'swishtail', in this incarnation, either. (I don't know whether God 'had a talk', with him, about that, while he was in Heaven, or not. He just didn't do it, anymore.) I called his former vet to make an appointment for him, for a Well Baby Checkup. I simply, told them that, CeeBee was back, in a new body, and they didn't question it; at least, not out loud, to me. I don't know, if they thought, I had lost my mind, or not, and I didn't care. Based on everything that had transpired, with this, from the day he had died, I KNEW that I was TELLING THE TRUTH, about it, no matter HOW 'crazy' it sounded. God, can do ANYTHING! And, GOD DID THIS. I BELIEVE!
We were BOTH frustrated that we just couldn't CUDDLE TOGETHER, the way that we used to, when CeeBee was in a, more comfortable (for BOTH of us), cockatiel body. God apparently let CeeBee CHOOSE the body for this reincarnation, but he didn't get to do a 'test drive' in it, before he took it on himself to clothe his spirit, so that he could be earthbound, again, to return to live with me. He was with me for another 2 1/2 years in this budgie body, before he suddenly got sick, after he stayed very close by my side while I was sick with a bad flu that I caught; until I was better. I don't know, what he had. Birds are notorious for hiding their illness until they are SO SICK that they CAN'T HIDE IT anymore. I had called his doctor, when he seemed to be feeling, a little, unwell. But, by the next morning, he was, so much sicker, that, even though, some friends of mine, came and rushed us to his PETiatrician, he died, in the vet's hands, as soon, as they took him out, of his cage, to examine him. I think it's important, to note that, even as sick as he was, when, he could only stand on the bottom of his cage, at that point, he, somehow, managed, to STAY ON HIS FEET, and not, fall over dead, onto his back. His spirit, left this body, as soon as the vet lifted him out of his cage, though. I believe that CeeBee STAYED ON HIS FEET, again, for ME, because of, that PRAYER of mine to God, about that, during his first incarnation. (I am tearing up, again, now. I have CRIED, ALOT, writing this post.) I brought his body, back home, and put it in, the same suitcase, as his first one was laid to rest. I still have, that suitcase, with his bird bodies in it. I do not own any land of my own, to give him, a proper burial. I love, and respect, him, too much, to put his bodies into a dumpster, somewhere!
[NOTE: CeeBee left his cockatiel earthsuit, and flew home, to Heaven, on July 16, 2011, and he left his budgie (parakeet) body in November 2014 shortly before his 11/14 birthday.]
Right now, I am really in need of more space, where I live, so I need to clear out, more, things. I have been, working on that challenge, all along. It is a, slow, and, somewhat, steady, process. I have thought about, tossing out the suitcase; but, I JUST CAN'T. My SOULMATE'S, BODIES, are in there! I was, VERY REASSURED, by CeeBee coming BACK to me, if only for 2 1/2 more years together, here on Earth. I SAW WHAT GOD CAN DO!-- and WILL DO!-- for LOVE. When, it is, as DEEP, and REAL, as the love that CeeBee and I had, and will always have, for one another. I am AT PEACE, now, knowing, that God is indeed keeping CeeBee and I connected, through our love; eternally. At this point, I DON'T WANT him to rejoin me here on Earth. There are alot more, perils, and pitfalls, now, than, there were, then, that I have trouble dealing with, myself, now. The world, has just become too, daunting, and dangerous, for me to want CeeBee to be, exposed to it, in another 'earthsuit', that can, get sick, suffer, and die. I am content to know that someday, I will JOIN HIM, in Heaven, where neither of us can get sick, or die, ever again; and, when, I do go Home to Heaven, my precious CeeBee Marie and I will be together forever.
CeeBee, standing on 'the Loving Couch', where we always sat together, to cuddle. I still have this same couch to this day. It's more than a couch. It's 'family' to me.
CeeBee, inside his Cheerios box, where he placed his 'bead baby' toy, so that, he could nest upon it, as male cockatiels do. He was very devoted to trying to hatch this somewhat-egg-shaped wooden ball, on this toy; that he saw as his offspring.
CeeBee, enjoying his popcorn, and looking at Mommy (me) with such love! I don't know if he got more IN him, or ON him, as he ate that popcorn! He was so happy!
One of the photos that my friend, Jack, took of CeeBee and I, together, before he died. I hadn't taken care of myself, much at all, while he was sick, and struggling, so that is why, my gray roots showed so much, under my blonde hair color. I was, barely doing, anything, to take care of me. I was laser-focused on being there for CeeBee. I KNEW, that CEEBEE WAS DYING, any time, now, at THIS point. The vet had told me that there was NOTHING ELSE THAT THEY COULD DO FOR CEEBEE. I was very sad, and somber, and trying, not to burden CeeBee, with my grief. I just wanted HIM to FEEL MY LOVE FOR HIM. My strong, sure and eternal love for him! This is also where I sat with him as I explained to him that, he would be going to be with Jesus, soon, and that, He would, help, him with anything that he needed.
CeeBee, in his budgie body, versus, his cockatiel body, after he returned, to me.
CeeBee looking at Mommy. He was very good with posing for pictures, in both of his bodies.
CeeBee sitting on one of his tree limb perches, looking out the window, which he enjoyed doing in both of his bodies. He also went on walks with me in his carrier basket, in both bodies. We even went to a fair and rode the carousel together! A lady that had a booth, there, with the little yellow rubber duckies floating, in the water, was captivated by him, and gave him one of the yellow rubber ducks as a toy companion, to take home with him! We did everything together, both, of his incarnations, and we had alot of fun, and shared alot of love, with one another!
Based on, my own, experience of it, I can tell you in all honesty that it's accurate. The following things from this article were all things that did happen with CeeBee. I just saw this article, for the first time, when I got to this part of my blog post. I had no idea, other people ever even had this happen to them-- or how common it actually is-- until, after, I had been through these things, with CeeBee, for myself:
"They can also do something totally out of character that gets your attention" [He walked over to his carrier basket, THAT ONCE, and looked intently at me-- clearly asking me, to put him in it, and take him (somewhere); the day before, he died.]
"Laura suggests that you talk to your pet, sharing as much of your own faith or knowledge as you can. Animals are profoundly attuned to the spiritual realm and will readily grasp the reality of the afterlife." [Because my faith is central to who I am, and in my life, I felt led, in the spirit, to do this, sitting on 'the Loving Couch' with CeeBee, not long before he died, because I knew that he was about to enter the spirit realm, soon, where the Lord would be able to communicate clearly with him, and is not limited, in what, He would be able to do, for us, in this situation.]
"... pets can be guardian angels that take pet forms." [Speaks for itself, with us.]
"They reincarnate because they are part of your soul's journey. When they come back it's to help you continue learning lessons and be part of your soul's journey to move forward." [CeeBee, definitely, is a, MAJOR PLAYER, in, MY, DIVINE DESTINY.]
"When pets do reincarnate, they can reincarnate in the same life, and more than once. When Brent sees a pet transitioning to the afterlife, they will tell her if they will reincarnate and when, and be very specific about where and when and how they will come back – including colorings and markings." [CeeBee told me that he wanted to come back, and that, 'this time he (specifically) wanted, to be yellow'.]
"Sometimes a reincarnated pet will look remarkably like its previous self, and sometimes not. They will show some kind of evidence, however, that confirms that sense of 'knowing.' For instance, they'll settle in unusually fast, have similar habits or other behavioral clues." [CeeBee did come back as a bird; but a budgie. He also showed DEFINITE EVIDENCE, right from the moment, we, physically, reconnected, on Earth, that HE WAS HIM. He DID settle in unusually fast, and he had other behavioral clues.]
"Often your pet will come to you in spirit form to comfort you, and you many experience uncanny signs from a pet from the other side." [CeeBee's spirit has appeared to me quite a few times, in the years since he left his physical bodies. He has always manifested as his original cockatiel self, when he does this; never as a budgie/parakeet. Neither, he, nor I, were as pleased, with that second incarnation, as he likely had hoped to be. Coming back as a smaller bird, the second time, may also have been the only way he could fully manifest, in the physical realm, since when he kept trying to appear again after his (cockatiel) death, I could always see through his spirit, as it could never manage to, take solid form. Perhaps an energy issue? I don't have ALL the ANSWERS. I only KNOW what I KNOW, from going through this, with him, firsthand.]
"Or you will feel them beside you and sense them around." [Alot of the time, this happens, with CeeBee and I, to this very day. We love, one another, deeply, and are, very, intimately, connected, souls. He hasn't manifested much anymore, but I frequently sense his unique presence, in my life; still, with me.]
* soulmate - A soulmate is someone whom you feel deeply connected to and you have a special relationship with. It's about totally being yourself with someone, and knowing they are right there with you, side by side. Someone that you know and love very much. It's a connection of minds, a mutual respect, an unconditional love and a total understanding.
