Wednesday, July 19, 2023

Living My Life In This Love-Starved World

 


Comparatively few people seem to have either the ability, or the desire, to show totally altruistic love to other human beings on this planet-- especially when our own needs are not being met as far as feeling loved by others ourselves. That is the reason people who do so stand out from among the great mass of humanity  on this planet, and why they are given special recognition. Mother Teresa won a Nobel Prize for her effort to demonstrate love to those whom society had largely failed to feel that for, precisely because that was considered to be so rare that it deserved special recognition. She chose to look at others through eyes of love. I felt like I came so CLOSE to FINALLY finding love, a month or so ago. I felt like I was already falling in love with David. It felt special and warm, to me. I allowed myself to be truly hopeful. Then, in the blink of an eye, it ALL crumbled. He had not been as honest with me as I thought he was being, and that is A SURE WAY  TO RUIN THE RELATIONSHIP with me. I had risked being TOTALLY HONEST with him, because I REALLY WANTED a romantic relationship with him and knew that for it to be real and lasting it had to be based on being truthful with one another.

I met him on a singles' dating website. We were planning to finally meet face-to-face, when it fell apart. Because of that, I shut down, deleting my profile, on the site, altogether. IT HURT TOO MUCH. I did keep my personal profile on the other  of the two websites I signed up on to try yet again to find romantic fulfillment in my life. Someone to laugh with and be passionate about and (dare I say it?) find love with. Men are still messaging me on that site, but no one that really appeals  to me, since the thing fell through with Joe on the site, when I let him know that  it was going so well with David, on the other site, so that, I did not lead Joe on. I wouldn't want any guys leading me on. Especially if they thought they had found love with some other woman. Joe got angry, about it, though, and he told me so, in no uncertain terms, in the last Message he sent to me. I replied, I wished him success in his search for whatever he is seeking. Joe had been my favorite of the two men, actually, but David was the one that had made a real effort, to actually create a relationship with me, and that is what I am looking for. Something REAL. It went off the rails with David when he let me know that he was not really being honest with me about what he wants in a woman. When he finally did tell me, as we were preparing to meet one another, his description of her did not match who  I am. I don't know why he was not honest from the start, but he broke my heart.

Referring again to Mother Teresa's attitude toward love, below are some quotes:

“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.”

“Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.”

The world is teeming with people who all just want someone to care about them, and feel like they are special, and worthy of love. Why is it so hard to find, then?
There are days that I truly question what I have to bargain with in this endeavor and other days that I am really not sure I even want to bother trying anymore. I have never met even ONE man in my entire life that I would say is worth it when  it is all said and done. For me, men have always been more trouble than they are worth-- by far. Even so, romance brings a level of magic to one's life that nothing else can provide and a source of true joy. I could be cynical about it and point out that it's really just chemical reactions in the brain that cause us to feel so good in the throes of romantic attraction but regardless of what it is nothing in life comes close to beating it, in my opinion. At least, the very few experiences that I've had with it, have felt pretty wonderful, if short-lived. There is also nothing better than someone feeling THAT way about ME, and letting me know that; if, I am attracted to them. I am definitely not the only one, having a hard time attracting the 'right' person for me. As I continue my search online, now that I have accepted the fact that whatever it was with David is over however much I wish it had worked out, I often see photos of men that literally cause me to stare in disbelief, or shudder. It truly shows that people don't see themselves the way that others see them, when I come across the posted photos of men on these sites that look more like 'arrest' photos, like we see on the newscasts. Some, of the photos, also go from shocking to sad. Looking for love in my age group (late 50s to late 60s) is a really daunting experience, under the best of circumstances, as people's bodies change drastically and they often develop health issues-- some of which are quite serious. I struggle with some heart issues, myself. I never had to wonder, when I was younger, if my making love to someone would be too much for my heart-- or, if their heart could physically handle me. Some men even say in their profiles that, they do not have ED (erectile dysfunction), which is an increasingly common problem, as men age. 

When I was a young woman, I lived in an apartment building, with several single women, and one young married couple. One single woman was raising two teens herself, and was in her early-to-mid-thirties, I think. The other three were senior citizens. Those three would be my peers now. Two, of the senior women, seemed to either be content being alone without a romantic relationship, or resigned. But one, of them-- Blanche-- lived directly above me, and I would visit her, when she invited me to come sit with her on her balcony to talk together. I was doing some dating at the time, but I just wasn't finding the right guy for me. Blanche told me about her deceased husband, and the adventures on the road trips they took that she so missed. One day I asked her if she would ever want to try to find real love again, with someone else, and she rather surprised me, by her, immediate, reply, that she absolutely would want to find love again, in her life. She suffered from a serious heart condition, though, and died, in her sleep, later that very night. She was in her 70s at the time. With what I observed then and what I feel in my own heart now as well as all the other indicators that are found all around me, I think human beings have a deep hunger to have love in their lives, from birth to death.  I don't think that it, ever, goes away, and I don't think anything else satisfies that very human need but the real thing, when it is all said and done. It's sad to think about all the people that want love, and need love, but rarely, if ever, truly find it.

Because of how pervasively unloving the world is, I find myself wondering if I can continue to truly believe in a God of love. A God who can do anything. A God who can do miracles. A God who created men and women to need each other and who wants people to come together in unity, and treat one another well in community.
Humans are supposedly made in His image but I don't really see the resemblance. The Bible says that God puts the solitary in families (Psalm 68:6) but that was the place where I grew up feeling tolerated at best and resented for even existing, for the most part, by the very people whom I needed to model love and a 'safe place' for me. I stayed to myself as much as possible, to avoid the toxicity of the home I was raised in, which, to this day, still causes me problems dealing with all types of social interactions, since I developed in ways that make those things very difficult. It is almost always too stressful for me to open myself up to others so I avoid that as much as possible. It is also frightening because the 'Risk-Reward' of interacting with people has left me badly burned far too many times that I have ventured out of my isolation to try it. People don't realize what a HUGE compliment it is, when I even TRY to TRUST them in ANY way. Sadly, 99% of the time I wish I hadn't tried.

The results haven't exactly encouraged me to want to do more of it. I'm very real, so I don't want to feel like I can't be myself with other people. What's the point of that, after all? I was created to be ME; not, anyone else. If I can't be genuine and honest with someone in a relationship with them then the relationship between us is not going to be those things, either. I really don't want to involve myself in fake relationships; or even just shallow, or insincere, ones. WHY BOTHER? That is junk food for the soul and a complete waste of the precious gift of time. I see so many people posturing, out of fear of the the very people they are interacting with, and people-pleasing, going along with the herd mentality's peer pressure to get along, often at the expense of their own thoughts and feelings, about things. That's truly pathetic to me. It is clear that far more people than not 'grease the wheel', in this way, for the sake of acceptance by the people they do this with, but it's bullshit to me, and I don't do it-- making me the, very unpopular, exception, rather than the rule. Proverbs 24:26 (GNT) says "An honest answer is a sign of true friendship." I think of my being honest with people as, a way of honoring them, by letting them interact with the real me. However, at any point that I sense they are not sincere, with me, I take that as an insult, from them, and back away, shut down, or try to avoid, interacting with them, altogether. I avoid, feeling trapped, in a relationship, that does not feel like it is 'healthy' to me. With how life is now, socially speaking, that does not leave me with many options. Most people bend to peer pressure, in many ways, but I resist being 'other than' who I truly am-- faults, and all. Others often want us to be whatever it is they need us to be, for their own agenda. They don't really like us, certainly don't love us, but they need us to be a pawn in their game, so that, their, needs are met. It is interesting to me that, when I refuse, to do that, their masks come off really quickly and the ugly truth is on full display. It makes me glad that I did not comply, for the sake of, any, relationship with them.




In my ruminations about the state of things as they are on this earth, now, as far as it being so difficult to find truly loving relationships with other human beings, I have realized that, this fact has deeply damaged my beliefs. I have a faith in God which is deeply woven into the whole of my life experiences, and I truly believe, I am still alive today, after all that I have been through, because of, both grace and miracles happening, when I needed both of those things, to remedy my situation.  I can't deny those truths. Yet, I REALLY STRUGGLE now-- especially due to what I have experienced first hand in the community I live in; much, of which, is due to, several, self-proclaimed, Christians, who've treated me in ways that have nothing to do with Jesus' mandate to them, in that regard. It isn't just due to that though.
 
I have prayed many very devout and sincere prayers in my lifetime that I haven't had answered in any affirmative way. People will always rationalize it by trying to comfort (or simply silence) me with platitudes and Bible verses and such, but the fact remains that the needs I bring to God in this way are real, and are not being met, which affects the overall quality of my life, in profound ways. There is a line from the play and movie 'Auntie Mame' that describes my living a loveless life ....






It isn't that I don't want to feel fulfilled in my life. It is that, in many ways, I don't know how, to 'get there, from here', so to speak, given things as they are. Due to all my disheartening disappointments and downright despair, there is nothing that anyone can say, or that I can even tell myself, anymore, that will, 'keep my hopes up', in the face of what life has all-too-clearly taught me that it is, and it isn't. The platitudes just add insult to injury. Most of my life has been lived at this point, and despite it really being 'now or never' to finally have my needs met and my dreams come true, there is no Sign from God, the universe, or Santa Claus, coming to my
rescue, by bringing me what will satisfy those needs, and desires. Rationalizations seem ridiculous, to me, now; and pointless. It all, just seems like, excuses, to me.

Sometimes, the whole 'God' thing seems alot like the 'Santa Claus' myth.

We are taught-- more, than that; indoctrinated-- to believe certain things, about both of them, that may not line up well, if at all, with the reality, of the lives that we lead. There are so many similarities, between the two tales, only, one, can be proven to be a myth, and the other one we are asked and expected to believe by faith. I still remember the day, my parents took us to visit an aunt and uncle and he decided to say to my youngest sister that there was no Santa Claus. My heart sank for her as I watched shock and then sorrow change her expression that had just been a smile before this awful moment that's so traumatic to a child in many cases. She was still young enough to believe, but he ripped that away from her. I always thought, that was so unfair, because it is the adults in our lives that teach us to believe such things in the first place when we are gullible, trusting children. It is such an emotional issue, for young children, too, that doing such a thing can truly traumatize them. I glared at my uncle, for his insensitivity toward my sister. She just sat there, not saying anything, after that 'bomb' was dropped on her, as the tears began to fall silently down her cheeks. He had essentially 'killed' Santa, for her, in a way, and this could never be undone. Yet, as painful as the truth was for her, that day, when she grew up, and had kids of her own, she taught them to believe in Santa Claus also, and the legend continued. Just as it does, around the world, in the hearts and homes of millions of the planet's population. I thought it was a rather cruel thing to teach little ones about the existence of someone such as Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy, et cetera, encouraging them to put their faith and trust in these made-up beings, and then take that away again, at some point, explaining that away rather blithely, as being just one of the costs of 'growing up'. Interestingly, about 85%, of young children in the U.S. believe in Santa* and a very close percentage of 81% of adults in the U.S. believe in God** according to current statistics. Below, are some memes, showing the controversy, about Santa Claus. There are many people, who would use these same memes to describe believing in God. Specifically, a loving God, who truly cares, about needs and desires of the humans on this orb we live our lives on. I can see why, myself.


                     
   






Parents do SO MUCH POSTURING AND PRETENDING to CAUSE children to believe in Santa, but things can come up in real life, that will make that trust and belief a real liability for the child with unmet needs, and wants, that 'Santa' was supposed to meet. It goes past, "There's SANTA!", to "That's actually not REALLY Santa; it's ONE of his many 'helpers'", to "Look! Did you SEE the sleigh just fly by? He will be here soon, so go to sleep!" to "He KNOWS if you've been bad or good; ALL YEAR." to even having to explain to a completely devastated child on Christmas morning, "Yes, Santa KNOWS YOU WERE GOOD, and he cares about you ALOT, but HE JUST COULDN'T COME THIS YEAR. Maybe NEXT year", if the parents or guardians had a situation occur that made them unable to afford Christmas gifts, and such. "Santa is loving BUT . . . ." hurts the child(ren) deeply in that circumstance, BECAUSE OF all the things the child was INDOCTRINATED TO BELIEVE about him by the adults.

It can feel the same way, with the "God is Loving BUT . . . ." stuff.

When we are TAUGHT to believe that God knows everything and can do anything, and then we have, REAL, DEEP, UNMET, NEEDS, that go on for days that turn into weeks, that become months that turn into years, that become decades that begin to feel like, they will last an entire lifetime, without ever being healed, or fulfilled, it can be difficult if not impossible to reconcile those two things with one another.  
People SAY they can EXPLAIN it in sermons and such, but I wonder how they can EXCUSE it, IF God TRULY exists, and HAS ALL THE ATTRIBUTES that we are TOLD that He HAS. Our human minds not only aren't capable of comprehending all that is attributed to God, but our minds can be deceived, including by misinformation, and even far-fetched myths that we choose to believe. Once we accept a concept as true we tend to rationalize everything about our circumstances to fit that 'fact' and disregard anything that crops up that does not align with what we believe to be true. Anyone watching the news has seen cases of extreme deception play out and watched in wonder, and even worry, when people have chosen not to believe what is actually true but have instead embraced and even acted on some strange stories, which they, shockingly, accepted as true, nevertheless, because it fit into some narrative that they wanted to be correct; actual facts be damned. One good example is the Pizzagate Conspiracy Theory, unleashed, in 2016. Edgar Maddison Welch showed up at a pizza restaurant, in another state, firing an AR-15 into that business because he was fed fake stories about nonexistent child abuse there*** which were started solely to discredit a political opponent. Regardless of someone having strong political alignments this example really demonstrates how anything can be strongly believed and therefore acted on, including in some extreme ways. This wasn't the only danger this business was put in, by people with right-leaning political views. They also suffered alot of defamation which affected business, and many actual threats. All because, someone, seriously, believed that Hillary Clinton was running a child sex ring out of there! UNBELIEVABLE; yet believed, by people.

I have heard others say that they were really failed by people of faith, when they were deeply hurting over a situation in their life, because they got platitudes and dogma and toxic positivity**** as responses to their honest pain and struggle. I KEEP IT REAL-- including with God, and even about my sincere doubts, at times, that He is either really 'there' or is going to do anything about the unmet needs I bring to Him to help me with. In my opinion, it is hurtful, when someone has real need in their lives and a God who we are told CAN do ANYTHING doesn't seem to be DOING anything at all. People explain it away in all kinds of ways, but to me it comes down to, He CAN but He WON'T. I don't even want to hear it, when people start saying things that sound like the same kind of explanations given during the Christmas season to kids about Santa. For a child whose parents can't make ends meet to be told that, Santa couldn't come to their house, this year, after teaching them that 'Santa, has the ABILITY to go to EVERY HOME, IN THE WORLD, in ONE night, to BRING PRESENTS to ALL those WHO HAVE BEEN GOOD this year' (AND, THEY HAVE BEEN GOOD), the myth is no longer serving them well. In fact, it is a source of confusion and pain at that point. Santa COULD but he DIDN'T. To make  it worse, the child had sat on Santa's lap just weeks earlier, and was told that his wish would come true. Circumstances changed that had nothing to do with all the indoctrination the child had been given about the abilities and intentions of Santa but Santa was perceived as the one who let them down. Reality, busted the myth.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER what people say when you are really hurting in some way and you just need the FIX, to whatever that issue is, but it never shows up in your life. Even the most well-meaning, and carefully articulated, comments aren't much help, if any at all, if the situation remains unchanged, and the need remains unmet. That being said, there are certain things that can, add real insult to injury.
The standard 'Christianese' replies, are, "Sometimes it's 'Yes', sometimes it's 'No', sometimes it's 'Wait'." "I don't want to JUDGE you, or anything, BUT, maybe, you have unconfessed sin, in your life." "Maybe, your faith, isn't strong enough." "You may be doubting, and that's hindering the answer, to your prayers." "Maybe your motives are wrong." "Maybe, you're not standing on scripture." "It's not His Will."

People say these things to others who are hurting or suffering from unmet needs:

  • “You’ll feel better before you know it.”
  • “You’ll get through it.”
  • “I’m sure it would never happen again.”
  • “Don’t cry.” (or “Be strong for your family.”)
  • “Be happy for what you have left.”
  • “God must have needed him/her in heaven.”
  • “Thank God you have other children.”
  • “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.”
  • “Don’t let it rob you of your joy.”
  • Personal stories that compare this grief or loss to some other grief or loss.
  • Anything that tells the person how they 'should' feel instead of how they do feel
I am 67 now, and I have yet to EVER be loved WELL by ANYONE, except for a few friends. It isn't particularly comforting when my needs for intimacy of all types go unfulfilled, but someone's parting shot, in a conversation about it, is, "Remember, GOD loves you!" There are nights, as I lay in bed using my vibrator to release the pent-up, sexual, tension in my body, enough that I can go to sleep, that I pray to God to please allow me to have the orgasm from this mechanical device, at least, because I have lain there for two hours, unable to get to sleep. For me, vibrators are a Godsend. I feel fairly sure that, I WOULD HAVE LOST MY MIND, by now, if I did not have that outlet. But, it is still sad, to me, that THIS IS NOT GOD'S BEST, for me, as a woman, to have a, small, pink, gadget, instead of a man, and I have not ever met my 'Mr. Right', apparently, based on results, to be ABLE to BE WITH HIM. I even ask God, at times, "Could You not have made even ONE man, for me, to BE WITH in a LOVING RELATIONSHIP?" and "If You DID would You-- PLEASE!-- BRING US TOGETHER, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE?" HOW can I believe that God can do anything if He can't or won't allow me to have ONE PERSON TO LOVE AND BE LOVED BY in my life? I am NOT 'impatient'. Nor, can anyone ACCUSE ME, of that, when I have been celibate for OVER 25 YEARS, now. I REALLY NEED A MIRACLE!

It isn't just being denied, or deprived of, romantic love, with a man, though, that makes it difficult for me to feel hopeful about finding the fulfillment that I need. I prayed alot about getting good, caring, neighbors before I even moved here, and  it is hard for me to reconcile the reality of this sad and stressful situation with the hopeful things that I had prayed so fervently about having, in this place, prior, to moving here. People have done some horrendously hateful, and hurtful, things to me, here, that, I did not deserve, from them, or from anyone, and it has affected me, in some serious ways, that basically come down to me being traumatized, by being bullied and defamed here, so much. Just a couple of months ago, I was not sure I would live through the pain of it all, it has broken my heart so much. I had to struggle with every ounce of strength in me to WANT to KEEP ON GOING, with life itself, THEY BROKE ME SO BADLY, here, by publicly humiliating me, gossiping, about me, and all the other ugly things, they have subjected me to, here, and for no good reason. Even when I feel like God is letting me know He is real and He is 'here' with me, at least in Spirit, I know that it would not be this bad if I only had someone here with me to stand up for me and 'have my back'. These people take advantage of my vulnerability, because I am alone. It is like a sheep, surrounded, by a pack of wolves, for me, here, at times. WHY did God not answer my prayers to give me BETTER NEIGHBORS? I LOVE my HOME here and the area it is in, but  it would have been TRUE HEAVEN ON EARTH for ME had it not been run by clique bitches that made me one of their primary targets. That has not been fun for me. 




They have really diminished the quality of my life, here. It is something that, I've had to deal with, live through, factor in, stop doing things I enjoyed because of it and compensate for the constant assault on my peace of mind that it has caused.
I KNOW without a doubt that God DID THIS MIRACLE and GAVE ME THIS HOUSE, but WHY didn't He do, or why COULDN'T He do, the REST of what I prayed about, before I moved here, that I needed to have here to be able to LIVE MY BEST LIFE in these latter years of it? There are days, that I do wonder, about the reality of a loving God, when I deal with these disappointments in my life, and sometimes, it seems possible to me that the whole 'God' thing is REALLY just another myth that  I have been indoctrinated to accept as actual truth. I can objectively see how that may very well be possible, given things as they are, not only in MY life, but in the world at large. There is SO MUCH NEED for LOVE on this planet, and seemingly so little of it to go around. I find it very difficult to add any love to the deficit, myself, because I'm SO BURNED OUT, by NOT HAVING MY OWN NEEDS MET for SO LONG now. EVERYONE is WANTING and NEEDING to BE LOVED, by someone, but rather than contributing, many of us are dried up from unmet needs, waiting and hoping for someone to 'bring us back to life' again by watering us with a refreshing love.  

It would be sad if the God I have spent my entire life believing in turned out to be another myth, like Santa Claus. Both, of them, are said to show love for mankind. We are taught that both of them can do miracles and both of them desire to bless us with gifts. We are taught that they both work mostly behind the scenes, mostly invisibly. People teach us that both, God and Santa, know everything about us, as far as whether we are being good or bad, and that they reward us accordingly. We are taught to tell God and Santa the deepest desires of our hearts, presumably so they can, and will, meet, those longings, by what they bring into our lives. We are taught to believe in their very existence, even though, alot of the explanations for why so much in this life doesn't match up with what we are taught about them do not make rational sense, therefore demanding that we simply abandon all reason, and logic, and simply accept that, they are real, by a simple act of blind faith that they exist, and that they are the rewarders of those who believe in them. We are taught that they both have alot of 'helpers' of their cause, all over the earth, that represent them and reflect on them, whether that be Santas in every mall, or the Christians doing acts of goodwill and charity, in God's Name. Both God and Santa are the focus of Christmas, and people are encouraged to, seek them out, during the Season, and to celebrate, with them as the focal point of that. We are taught to trust them to want to bless us and if, or when, that falls through, we are given some explanations, or excuses, for that, which often make absolutely no sense in any way. There are TV shows and movies which portray them as real, live, beings (God, of course, being visible in the physical manifestation of Jesus on the earth) although, we do know for a fact that Santa isn't truly one, real, person. Some see the shows about Jesus as being the same way; as dramatizing the life of a person who is not, truly, God's Son. Again, we are taught to simply believe in them both, often by the same adults in our lives when we were, impressionable, children. So, when we find out that SANTA isn't real, HOW do we believe that the SAME people who TAUGHT US ABOUT HIM were TELLING US THE TRUTH, that, JESUS is REAL? 

We are taught that both God and Santa know if we believe(d) in them or not, and that we are accountable to them, for what we do and don't do. God, has the Book Of Life that our names are written in if we are saved by faith. Similarly, Santa has his 'Naughty and Nice' List, that he checks to see, which side, our names, are on. Nothing can keep, either, of them from accomplishing what they set out to do, no matter what the obstacles are. Both God and Santa, bring hope to human hearts. There are, holiday, songs about each one. Bread and wine, symbolically, feed the collective 'body of Christ', while, cookies and milk feed Santa's body. Neither God nor Santa are hindered or constrained, in any way, by things like walls, or lack of  a chimney, in a home. They can both get into any place that they want to access, at any time. It is clear there are alot of parallels between the story of who God is and the tale of who Santa is. SO MANY, similarities. We are taught about BOTH of them by the same adults in our lives, for the most part, who at some point tell us that SANTA ISN'T REAL . . . but that GOD IS REAL. That's what THEY were taught a generation before us by the adults in THEIR lives, when they were children, and those were taught these things by the adults who raised them, and so on. Do you see WHY there are times that despite a LIFETIME of FAITH in GOD BEING REAL, I DO start to QUESTION it, when circumstances in my life are, what they are, and I know that a LOVING and MERCIFUL God, who supposedly can do ANYTHING, CAN answer my prayers-- especially about, long-unmet, needs, I have-- but DOESN'T?

I whisper my prayers into the darkness, when I lie awake, for hours, some nights, hoping, I AM praying to a REAL, LIVING, GOD, and that I HAVEN'T been CONNED. People would be quick to penalize me for that, saying that God rewards faith, and  I am doubting His existence, in those times. But, I believe in a God that, knows, I struggle with doubts at times, because HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME, and I ultimately choose to continue, to trust Him, despite, my real needs not being met. Whether it's about Santa Claus, or God, we each have to decide, what we believe, at times, in our lives; often, in spite of things, that, contradict, what we believe. I do have a hard time understanding why God put a heart of such depth of passion in me, but hasn't seemed to have ONE good man that can or will LOVE ME for ME and BE MY MAN. This really shouldn't be such an IMPOSSIBLE-seeming prayer, to get answered. It is pretty basic. I'm sitting inside a house, typing this, that I SAW God literally do AN IMPOSSIBLE MIRACLE to provide for me, and I am amazed by that every day. THERE WAS NO WAY but HE DID THIS for ME! Why is blessing me with REAL LOVE WITH SOMEONE more difficult than that? GOD IS ABLE TO DO IT, so does that mean, since, He doesn't do it, since He hasn't done it, that I AM NOT WORTHY OF THE BLESSING of LOVE? WHY make me WHO I AM and DENY me the JOY of LOVE? Maybe, I'll ask Santa, for, a loving man, for Christmas. Just in case. 




**** toxic positivity- the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. This is beyond optimism and positive thinking. Toxic positivity rejects, all, difficult emotions, in favor of a cheerful and often falsely-positive facade. While appearing upbeat, it is actually an unhealthy, dysfunctional, emotional management style, without the full acknowledgment of negative emotions, particularly anger and sadness. It doesn't reflect life's reality.

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