Trying To Describe What 'The Dark Night Of The Soul' Was, And Wasn't, For Me. . . .

In 2007 I experienced 'The Dark Night Of The Soul'. I didn't know what it was, or that it even had a name and could be described and even defined to some extent, at the time. Only in researching this interface, between God and myself, at the public library and discovering that there were actually quite a few books on the subject which I could check out, take home, and read, did I even know that others had in fact gone through precisely this same mystery. At the time, it helped me a great deal to know that I wasn't, in fact, crazy, and that I also wasn't alone in this happening to me.

Ever since I was a very small child, around age 2, I have had occasional visions, and also times of God's Spirit moving on my human nature to give me a holy heart. When I was growing up, I had no idea what these happenings were or that they were not the norm, apparently, for many if not most other people. To me, it was just the way it was, not a special spiritual experience set apart from all other aspects of everyday life. By the time I was a teen, I began to try to tell others about this, such as my counselor at Christian summer camp, who explained away what I know I saw as simply a visual distortion caused by a light being on at night outside our cabin. I also tried to talk to the pastor of the Presbyterian church I attended with my family, about my increasing awareness of the Holy Spirit of God and His movement in my life, but he seemed to have no idea at all what I was speaking of and basically dismissed both that and me, saying he thought I was just overwrought, as I wept uncontrollably from this strong spiritual power that was so affecting me. At one point in my life, long after I knew with absolute certainty that this is in fact a 'God' thing, and that I am definitely not insane, I answered someone honestly (who was assigned to assist me in finding housing when I became homeless) as she probed me with extremely in-depth questions, about all aspects of my life, during her interview. As a result of that, she then had me locked up briefly in a VA mental ward, by stating in writing about me that "She thinks she sees Jesus, and that He tapped her on the back!" (This was related to a very specific incident I had told her about, that had demonstrated for me in a profound way what Grace was, in regard to her question about 'whether I had ever killed someone'.) >sigh!< It has helped me to know the Word of God very well by now, and to read in it that Jesus warned His followers that we would go through some of the same mistreatment that He did, and that it was said of Him, as well, when He walked the Earth, that He was either crazy or possessed by a demon! As disconcerting as that was to be locked away involuntarily over my honest testimony, it did not surprise me, in this world. The food was good; I kept my sense of humor through the ordeal; made some new friends among the patients and staff; and soon enough I was released--- and with no medications prescribed for my 'condition' at all, I might add--- as the staff realized that this is genuinely who I am and there was no clinical evidence that I had lost my mind.

It is what it is. . . .

Despite my being fairly used to these spiritual encounters with God, throughout my lifetime, 'The Dark Night Of The Soul' was extremely difficult and dismaying to deal with; in a league all its own! I was struggling, at the time that it happened to me, with finally and fully coming to terms with the undeniable fact that my family of origin would never be affirming or affectionate toward me, causing a fairly dejected mood to linger in me following my return to Nebraska. I had gone to great trouble and expense, yet again, in my making--- what I knew was, for me--- one final move back to North Carolina in a last ditch hope that, in realizing the years were fleeting, these people might finally have woken up to the truth that it really is now or never, to try at least, to make things right between us all. However, nothing was any different during that move back there, for me, than it had always been. So, 'The Dark Night Of The Soul' was not a result of that, for me (since I was used to that by then), as much as it was a remedy! Through this awe-inspiring, totally transformative spiritual experience, I became united with God in an undeniable, unbreakable, unapologetic bond. Nothing prior had done this as completely, in me.

By way of comparison, it was in no way like what I had gone through following my being raped by a stranger at age 21. While I had felt like I was in a very dark space at that time also (but more as if I were in a tunnel with no light at the end of it), there was no redemption for me in, from, or due to that. It brought me to a bad place, and left me there, shut down and shut off sexually. [I was finally completely set free from all that, amazingly (since many if not most women who have been raped never recover from it to be able to be their fully sexual selves again), by the man who would become my second husband. But that is another story for another time.] None of the events along the timeline of my natural life, especially those which had punctuated it with their negative, frightening, or hurtful impacts, had ever caused anything like 'The Dark Night Of The Soul', despite the distress each of them had left me to deal with.

This God-ordained phenomenon that I was put through was not directly linked to any depressive emotions, in particular, even though some were present in my life at the time it occurred. It  was more a rite of passage, through primarily visionary means, into a much deeper relationship with God; probably for true seekers, as I am, but I cannot say that even that fact initiated this action toward me on God's part. The cause seemed to be God's seeking intimate oneness with my created soul. 'The Dark Night Of The Soul' was a process culminating with my being brought into and through a specific vision, which worked on me like a boot camp does on recruits. Briefly, intensely, with a specific goal, it conformed my former identity (which had previously retained egoistic views, furthering my 'apartness' from Him) into a strikingly revised one. The OIC (the One In Charge; God, in this case) was bringing me into line with His Will using a very focused methodology on me. Clearly He knew what He wanted from me, with me, and how to achieve that. Come to think of it, this pursuit also rather reminds me of how a Horse Whisperer tames a resistant animal by inducing it into wanting to comply. God knew what it would take with me specifically, to achieve complete unity between us.

The vision came upon me when and as God Willed. More than once it appeared and enveloped me. In its coming at all, and returning again and again, it seemed to be providing me with opportunities to reply, in some way, to several very specific but unspoken questions. With this apparent agenda, it was facilitating my making these desired responses through both its inspiration and impetus. I was being required, albeit by exercising my free will, to decide--- to settle, once and for all!--- certain things, in order to align myself with God's Will for our relationship. This vision always took place at times that I was fully awake. I was initially so distracted by the actual experience of both its unwavering persistence and its vivid realism that my realizing there was actually a point and a purpose to it took awhile. In trying to describe it to you here, I can more easily find analogies than words which can actually convey the scope of this spiritual experience of mine. (There are however many writings, in books and online, by others who have lived through 'The Dark Night Of The Soul', with their own ways of trying to describe that. I can only attempt here to convey what it was like for me.) Some immersive video games, and very probably Virtual Reality headsets (which I have never used), might offer a close comparison in this day and age. They, also, have the ability to cause sensations and emotions to be felt in the body, soul, and spirit, when the person is drawn into their scenarios that, while those are not actually of this natural world, either, can look and feel very real to the one interacting with it at the time. The vision given me by God wasn't a game, though, and it caused real, life-altering changes in me that have remained undiminished through everything in my life since then, also imprinting each moment with a much deeper meaning, related to the intimacy I have with God, as a result of it. The filter through which I view all things to do with life traces directly back to my having experienced 'The Dark Night Of The Soul'.

This vision I had, produced by God, was of the total darkness of nothingness, which enveloped me completely. It was as if God had not yet spoken any of His creative words in Genesis to "Let there be" anything visible; yet I was there, the one and only thing in that enormous, pitch black expanse! At first I felt completely alone, very small, and frightened, while I hovered there as if floating in the midst of it, in a prone position. When I slowly began to adjust, somewhat, to such an overwhelming experience, I became aware that I was actually being held there as I was, in this vast space, by some unseen form of suspension. I was facing downward, prostrate, seeing nothing but nothingness, all around me, no matter where I looked. It was total isolation; unnerving for a human, as we are social creatures by nature. Complete quiet. No light, No sound. NOTHING. But me. Or so I thought, at first.

I realized, by revelation, as I could not actually see my back, that there was one very thin thread--- as fragile as a strand of spider's web!--- as the only thing that was actually holding me in the midst of this scene, thereby also being the only thing keeping me from falling into this nothingness of no end. I felt a bit panicked by this, and squirmed slightly in my distress (as I REALLY don't like HEIGHTS, or the queasy sensation of hanging and hovering suspended over a dark abyss). I tried to keep still, then, being also afraid of my possibly snapping the line which I believed, initially, was my only link to survival of any kind within this powerfully real vision. That slender string, suspending me, was rather like an umbilical chord connecting the fetus within a womb to the one that is providing for its very survival. Then, I had a gradual awareness that the single strand, seemingly holding me there, was not actually what was truly holding me at all--- or keeping me from falling into this horrifying depth of darkness.

There is always whatever circumstance we may find ourselves in, and there is always the one, overriding factor, as well, which is ". . . but GOD!". It was God holding me! I was not alone. I was not without hope. With Him there with me, I wasn't even without Light, even though my perception had been that I was totally immersed in darkness. That single, slim strand I had originally credited as my saver actually could never have held me, for even an instant, in the natural. It was only able to hold me there in the vision because God was the empowerment behind its seeming ability to do that! I wasn't actually being held by a thread at all. I was being held fast and firmly--- and forever--- by God. I wriggled again, but this time with energized, excited trust that I wouldn't--- and couldn't--- fall, because God Himself was with me there, sustaining me. Through the vision, I experienced this truth in a uniquely profound way: When nothing and no one else is there, for me, God is! I became internally, and eternally, imprinted with spiritual truths such as that, which I could recite, before this, but not fully believe at my core, until this happened. He would never leave me or forsake me! I felt complete confidence then; not in that string, or in myself, at all, but in Him. Totally! I had finally fully realized that He is there for me, sustaining me, and meeting my need--- whatever that may be, at any given time, because He loves me. He cared for me, then; He has kept me in His care until now; and He will care for me through Eternity! Out of a negative situation I became positive of this fact!

I began to relax, completely, like that feeling after a long-held breath is breathed out, while I was still being held--- by God!--- within this vision, for a time. Although nothing looked any different, about it, nor had outwardly changed in my life, now I had a pervasive knowing of my omnipresent God. I had an absolute assurance within me that even if He were to choose to hold me there, for eternity, in that vision, I would still be alright! I would not ever fall, I would not ever be alone, and I would not ever be separated from His Love for me. It was so freeing and comforting and joyful that I just simply rested there, then, reveling in these realizations that had traveled a long way to finally get there, for me, from my doctrinal head to my doubting heart which had been miraculously and permanently transformed then into one of absolute faith in Him by my going through 'The Dark Night Of The Soul'. I have continued resting completely in Him, and in His thrilling love for me, from then until now, just as peacefully as a trusting infant falls asleep while being held in its parent's arms, no matter what may be going on around it. I realized that anyone and anything else could come and go, and may do that, but that life without Him is no life at all, regardless of the course it takes. So, with Him with me, I didn't feel alone, abandoned, or alarmed by any thing that was going on in my life then, or since then.

It was God solely sustaining me during 'The Dark Night Of The Soul', in that spiritual abyss, that dark void, which He took me into and through to demonstrate who He is for me, in His wisdom, and by His timing, all those years ago. That process was both initially terrifying and ultimately comforting. It was extremely unsettling at the outset; but completely reassuring by its conclusion. That experience went a very long way toward my permanently proclaiming that I would not, could not, come uncoupled from Him again, not even to run from His Will for me, no matter how difficult it might get or how bad things might appear to be in my life at times. I was able, due to 'The Dark Night Of The Soul', to begin trusting completely that God is with me, in and through all things, and that none of what happens to me is a surprise or shock to Him that He isn't prepared to deal with, on my behalf. In addition to that, although nothing else is really needed, I 'fell in love' with God! After I had been the recipient of several of the punier versions of human love in my life, in comparison to how deep, true, pervasive, and unwavering God's love is for me, I guess you could say I 'fell in love with Love', because that is Who God is.

He took me to a place, through 'The Dark Night Of The Soul', to bring me to a place, of complete unity and intimacy with Him. While I never would have or could have chosen that route for myself, I am eternally grateful that God did that to me, and for me. While living my life now in and with Him, every moment of every day, I still have human problems and issues like anyone else on this planet. I also have a deep and lasting joy ever since I was Led through 'The Dark Night Of The Soul'! No matter what does or doesn't happen to me in this life, I have this precious personal relationship with God now that this world didn't give and this world can't take away! As a result I live much more gratefully. Every morning the first thing I do is stand and praise God for being who He is, and then for all He does, because HE IS MY GREATEST BLESSING! The last thing I do before bed each night is that same thing. No matter what the day brought my way, I was never alone in it. God is my life, my everything, and my "all in all" (1 Corinthians 15:28).