The One Man That I Would Love Forever

[Before I get into the specific subject matter, I need to say that although this post must as a necessity include some mention of my serving in the United States Air Force, on Active Duty, the large majority of that chapter of my life must be dealt with in its own post here, at some point, since there is a great deal to be said by me about that situation, on its own.]

Memories can sometimes seem like a subtle soundtrack, in our minds, by replaying little snippets of songs and conversations which take us back to the time when they were the actuality, and the substance, that our senses experienced then. They suddenly slip back into our present day lives, momentarily, or more than that, whether invited or unwelcome, as if they are somehow sensate shadows, nebulous but nevertheless asserting their strong gravitational pull on our emotions. In full disclosure, I dreaded doing this post, and I have tears welling up in my eyes as I begin the task of writing about this chapter of my life, which God is nevertheless gracing me to delve into now. I knew this finally had to come, the day of reckoning for me to deal with these things, here. 

Even though I have already tackled tough events from my life, in this Blog, they were not the same, to me, because those were about people that I had let go of, in some form or other; but I have not ever gotten past this one man whom this post is about. Even saying that here makes me flinch. Because of those feelings, and my admitting to them, I feel foolish, frustrated, silly, and sad. Due to all that transpired in this relationship, it gives me no pleasure, or peace, to say that my heart has still not ever let go of its affection for, or perhaps addiction to, this person, even all these many decades later. I hate saying that. I hate feeling that.

I made a promise to God and to myself, though, that I would always be as honest and transparent as possible in this Blog, even about the humiliating, and hurtful, things in my life, such as this is for me. I have no idea how I will manage to do this, sitting here now, trying to find the words, except for God's Grace helping me, as has been the case with every post I have published here in this Blog about all the other aspects of my life that I have shared here.

Just as it is with God toward us, we can find ourselves still loving someone even after they have betrayed us, lied to us, blatantly chased after others rather than honored our relationship by their fidelity, and resented us for our expecting this relationship between us to remain special, even sacred, because that suddenly seems too constrained to them, after they have taken our heart captive, forsaking us, for a time, or forever, and finally breaking our heart, in the process of doing all these things. Even while wishing we had never met them, because of all those hurtful consequences coming into our lives along with this person, whom we had thought loved us, and feeling as if it were all some horrible 'bait and switch' they have perpetrated on us, we can still feel love for them! We can also want the very best for them, even when that is not what they ultimately brought into our own lives, or to the situation between us. We wish them well, letting them go because they wanted to do so, to move on from us to what they saw as greener pastures.

While I never stopped loving this man, even though I was the one that ended things with him, for many years afterward I was left feeling cold inside, toward him, because of his having broken my heart so badly. For a long time it seemed, even to me, that all he had put me through was enough, if not more than enough, to have destroyed my love for him forever! All I could consciously feel, for the longest time, were only my negative emotions, regarding him. I don't think that I even began to realize that he had, in fact, been the love of my life, or as close as I have ever come to finding that, until much later. It doesn't really matter, now, anyway. Even if it were possible, which it isn't, I could not ever return to what was such a high risk relationship for me in so many ways. I would not want to go back, into what he demonstrated a relationship would have to be like, for me, with him. It would not ever work.

As a woman now well into middle age, I care deeply about my physical and emotional health, and the quality of my life, and no longer have the energy or endurance for any bullcrap now, in my relationships. I just barely managed to deal with that when I was only in my 20s. Although I knew, at the time that I ended the relationship with this man, that I was absolutely still in love with him, I also knew that I would not want to live my life in the way that it was going with him. Not in a marriage, especially, whether with him or with anyone else, ever again. It was truly intolerable for me.

So, my being in relationships with humans does differ from God's with them, in that I simply do not possess all of His strength and stamina for me to be able to deal with the impact of people on my life, in a never ending way, when they are mistreating me. Even if I could, by God's Grace, I don't think that would be a happy or healthy way for me to live. Despite all that I have been put through, in my life, I know positively that I am a rare and special woman, in many ways, and deserving of being loved and appreciated for who I am! 

Once, during a recent conversation with God about this very man, as I was being prepared by Him to work on this post, I was shocked at first, and then I smiled, from the implications that came from what He had just said to me about him. He had responded to my query, as to what He thought my relationship with this man had amounted to, in my life, with "You can do better than that!" And you know what? I believe that now! Even though I must and do share the blame for how things turned out for us, God's statement says to me that He knows what this man put me through, as well as everything else about our relationship, which does include the things I did which weren't, as the Bible says, 'without spot or blemish' behaviorally. However, clearly God also sees me as a woman deserving of better treatment than that, and that whatever, or whomever, He has in store for me, in my future, even if it's not until I get to Heaven, that it, or they, will be "better" for me. 

This gives me something wonderful to look forward to, as I trust that 'God gives me the desires of my heart'! His saying that to me, in our conversation about this man, also signaled to me that there are exciting and wonderful things ahead for me, yet, something which I had really wondered, and prayed, about, simply because of all the things I have already gone through in my life which have been difficult, and painful, for me, and since I am now already in my 60s. If ever there was a person on this planet who just really needs to finally have their turn at having a happy, fun, and fulfilling relationship, it is me! 

Just to know that such a thing actually exists would be a nice change, from what I have seen in my life, which I have been sharing about here in my Blog. For now, though, the following is the beginning of my description of the relationship with this one particular man, who is, so far, the only man that I have not been able to get over, in my life. It will take a couple of posts for me to cover it all here. So, "Off we go into the wild blue yonder."

After arriving at Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Mississippi, once my Basic Training at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas, was over with, I was then placed on AFI status (Awaiting Further Instructions) prior to the start date for my Tech School there, where I would be trained in the specific skill set needed for my job specialty (AFSC). As an Airman Basic, in rank, I was sent to pick up litter on the base grounds, along with other airmen also on AFI, and to do other chores as assigned, as well as sent to watch some documentary films which gave us further historical background about this branch of the military that we had recently joined. 

At one point, I was sent to work for awhile in a coffee house, which I believe was run by the chaplaincy branch on base, called the Fish Bowl. I made coffee, swept the floor, and did other menial tasks there as directed. It was a nice atmosphere, for an AFI position, and I also enjoyed hanging out there when I was off duty, as well, just listening to music and so forth, or socializing with other airmen there. It felt like a morally cleaner version of the airmen's club, which I never really went to, on this base, because I had heard about some of the decadent behaviors that went on in there, and that just didn't sound to me like an atmosphere that I wanted to expose myself to. 

My understanding was that the Fish Bowl was operating on base as an alternative social site, but strictly for those of us who were enlisted personnel. The facts, as I was taught them, were that: (1) it was on the enlisted side of the base, not the officer side, (2) these two areas of the base were geographically, and relationally, segregated, for a reason, and (3) enlisted were not to fraternize in any direct, personal way with the officers, including the ones who had also recently arrived on base after finishing their Officer Training School commissioning program, which at the time was also in San Antonio, at Lackland Air Force Base's Medina Annex (another site kept strictly separate from the enlisted area there).

One afternoon, near the end of my shift at the Fish Bowl, I was sweeping the floor when I saw two young officers sitting down at one of the small tables, playing a game of chess together. My visceral reaction to seeing them there was a mixture of immediate tension and grudging resentment. Why were they in there? I didn't think that they were supposed to be, and I had never seen any other uniformed officers accessing that coffee house, before or after that time. They looked out of place, I believed they were out of place, and I didn't want them there, primarily because it had been ingrained in me, in Basic Training, to respect, even almost revere, their rank, and I had also been taught then that it was taboo to fraternize in any personal way with these people. Not only did that create an invisible barrier between us, in my mind, but it made my having to interact with any of them very uncomfortable for me, at that time, because I had only been in the Air Force for about 3 months or so, at this point, and I took what I had been taught in my military training very seriously. 

Worse, for me, with them in there now, I still had to sweep around where they were sitting. Trying to be as unobtrusive as possible, I got almost all of the floor swept around that area, with me just wanting to be done and get away from there, when one of them looked up from the board and spoke to me. I can't say that I remember now what he even said to me, or the other one with him, who also finally looked up and talked to me there. I'm not sure I remembered much of it at the time, either, because they frankly made me nervous, and I just wanted this to not be happening to me at all, then. 

As the first of the two conversed with me some, I simply tried to maintain military bearing, as I had been taught, and be as polite as possible. After he had spoken with me for a few minutes, the other of the two, whom up until that time hadn't been engaged in the conversation, but had kept his head down as he studied the chess board for what his next move should be, did finally look up, right at me, and talked to me. There was nothing about him, physically, that really stood out to me, at the time. However, when he looked up into my eyes and suddenly spoke to me, something profound happened inside of me that I had never had happen before that, or after that, in my life! It was startling, confusing, and made me feel for a moment like I couldn't breathe. The only way I can really explain it is by comparison to something I have seen on TV. When the show 'Big Bang Theory' is coming on, there is a very rapid montage of successive images, which my eyes can't quite take in to really register what I'm actually seeing, that is used to indicate the passage of eons of Time through the history of humanity. Immediately, as he looked up at me, that is EXACTLY what occurred in my mind's eye! There's no other way I can really explain it. 

It was as if there was actually reincarnation, and he and I had somehow been connected in previous lives and times; or even simply that we were connected in this lifetime, and that the flashes of images I saw covered the history of our relationship, in this life, from beginning to end, all within mere seconds, even though we had just met, and had no personal connection or relationship together at all! This young lieutenant's name was Jim. From Elmira, New York. And that moment, that really shook me up, that I never told anyone about until right now, brought the only man that I would always love, and be unable to get over, into my life.

It is difficult for me to describe how this next thing happened because, as I said, I was simply so nervous talking with them that I honestly can't recall exactly what was said between us. I was also now distracted by my trying to figure out what had just occurred in me internally, with all of those different images rushing at supersonic speed past my mind's eye! While trying to maintain my military composure, I was still feeling very shaken up by the shocking sight of that. Somehow, though, Jim asked me to meet him later, to talk more, as my shift was ending then, and we both agreed to return to the Fish Bowl, later that evening, to do that. 

It amazes me how one, unexpected, moment can change so much about the course of our lives, whether good or bad; or both of those things combined. On the one hand, when all was said and done, with us, we just didn't make it, together. We didn't work out, and whatever love there was between us was not enough, or not strong enough, to survive all the obstacles and opposition to our relationship that we would face. But I still can't simply say 'END OF STORY', about us. What had happened to me when we first met, and so many circumstances that had to come together, time after time, for us to even be with one another at all, has left me truly believing, even in the face of our failure together, that God did intend for us to happen in one another's lives. That it was part of a Master Plan. I ended up surmising that it must have simply been for our son, Jay, to come into the world, since he never could have existed, without us; and our creating that child together, from whatever there was, or had been, between Jim and I, has seemed to be the only lasting thing that resulted from our relationship. 

All those images that had flashed through my head, though, when I first met Jim, left me with a lingering feeling that we were actually more than that, or were supposed to have been more than that, together. Still, it all became something that I would finally decide to just let go of, since Jim did not seem to want it, to want me, anymore, even though I wasn't able to simply 'decide' to just get over it; what I had with him, and felt for him. All of my 'deciding' never resolved that part of it, for me. It doesn't seem, all these many years later, that it ever will, although it is, and long has been, indisputably over, between us. It is what it is. Whatever that is. Whatever that WAS.

Back at my barracks, I was wondering how I was even able to agree to meet a man later that evening that I hadn't even wanted, or been comfortably able, to talk to, just a few hours earlier, while I got ready to do just that! Because I was now off duty, I could change into civilian clothing, and undo my Air Force Regulation 35-10 (at that time) hairstyle, unpinning my tight military bun and letting my long, brunette hair fall down my back in soft waves. I had just come back into my room from the latrine, after brushing my teeth, and was putting my large, new, bottle of mouthwash back into my locker when I dropped it on the hard floor and broke it, shattering glass and spilling the liquid from it, which was now dissolving the floor wax and dulling the shine. 

This was bad! I had only a few minutes left now to get over to the Fish Bowl, in order to meet Jim on time, if he actually was going to show up, himself, there, which remained to be seen. A notice had been posted earlier this same day in the barracks informing all of us that there was to be an inspection, including of our rooms, taking place first thing the next morning. It felt like it was always so much easier to flunk those tough inspections, which had punitive consequences attached to that, than to pass them with flying colors. I sighed, looking down at the mess I had made, because there was just no way around it: that floor would simply HAVE to be re-waxed TONIGHT, since both me and my roommate (who was already out somewhere, at the time) would be in trouble if that floor wasn't perfect for inspection tomorrow, and this wasn't her fault; it was mine. 

I had no way to contact Jim, to either tell him I would be very late, or that I wouldn't be able to meet him that night. This young lieutenant was about to simply be stood up, it seemed, though I wasn't that kind of girl, because I was standing there out of options, as I began to soak up some of the strong-smelling mouthwash with a towel. The door to my room was standing open, and one of the other girls from down the hall was apparently just walking by when she smelled, then saw, this mess I had made in my haste to be on time to meet Jim. Juanita, from Alaska. God Bless her! When she asked me what happened, I told her, and she could see from my face how upset I was about this. I was telling her how sorry I felt that this guy would feel that he was simply stood up, and I was inquiring whether she could go to the Fish Bowl and give him the message from me about what had happened and my having to stay in the barracks to re-do the floor for inspection. 

She flatly refused to do that, instead amazing me by saying that she wanted ME to get OUT of there RIGHT NOW, and get over to the Fish Bowl before I was late to meet Jim, and that SHE would stay and re-wax MY floor, when she didn't even live in this room to be facing any of the consequences for a flunked inspection herself, from this. People aren't usually THAT kind, caring, or self-sacrificing, and believe me, getting that mess cleaned up and that floor in great shape wasn't going to be an easy or fun task for her, as for anyone. It was ONLY because Juanita came along, and offered an unthinkably generous solution, that I ever met Jim at all that night. Without her help, I would not have been able to, because the floor had to be re-done, and dry, before lights out. Jim's and my relationship would never have happened AT ALL, without Juanita volunteering to do that floor! The little details in our lives certainly do make a huge difference in the outcome of it.

Jim and I each ended up being there, and on time, sitting alone together on a couch, in the middle of a room where we were surrounded by other people all doing their own thing there. We just sat and talked, and at some point Jim took my hand in his, and it felt nice, for him to do that. We talked easily together, and I was surprised at how comfortable I felt with him by then, considering my reaction toward the two officers earlier in the day. It also helped that he was in civilian clothes now, too, without the gleaming, golden bars of the insignia for his rank being present anymore, to catch my eye and cause me to feel uptight about it, again. 

He seemed like such a nice guy, and I was also a nice girl. We seemed very well-matched, early on. The weather was still cool at night, then, as it was sometime around early spring when we met, with him putting his jacket on me when I was cold, and me covering his ears with my hands, to warm them, when he was. It felt like he was totally there for me, and I was for him as well. It was simply sweet, at first, between us! I bought him a chess set, for his apartment, though neither of us ever liked it much because the man who had custom made it was supposed to have done it in Air Force blue, but it was like an aqua greenish color, instead. Jim bought me cards that told me how much he cared about me. We spent all of our free time together. 

I waded barefoot into knee deep rain water, for him to snap my photo in it, screaming and splashing as I scurried out of it after I discovered that there were dozens of earthworms down there by my feet, with us both laughing afterward. We took lots of photos of one another, and they always reflected two people just having a good time simply being together. Sometimes he would meet me at the barracks, to eat supper with me in the chow hall, and other times we ate out somewhere. 

Once, he called me up (while on AFI, I was also assigned to desk duty as CQ, Charge of Quarters, in my barracks, for a time), and he asked me what my favorite foods were. Not really wanting to stay on the official government phone line for a personal conversation, I hurriedly told him some of the things I liked, and hung up. When he picked me up later on, after my shift was done, he drove me to his apartment, to surprise me by his having gone shopping for all those items that I told him I liked to eat, and he had prepared them for me, himself! I was so touched by that gesture from him that I never forgot it. 

While some of the memories have become synthesized for me, now, as to when they occurred sequentially, in the course of our relationship, I am describing here how it was, overall, between us, in the beginning, along with my mention of some specific anecdotal incidents which stood out to me, for one reason or another. I was just 24 when these things, which I am speaking of here, took place. I am 63 now, and have lived through an awful lot in my lifetime, both before and since my relationship with Jim, which first began around 40 years ago, now.

The apartment that Jim had rented, to live in while he was in Biloxi for his Tech School, was just a very basic, furnished, place. It was comfortable, though, when I stayed with him there, which was almost all the time, starting soon after we became a couple together. Once, he had spilled some peanuts onto the carpet of his bedroom floor. They remained there for days, although each day there seemed to be less of them, for some reason. I don't recall ever seeing a vacuum cleaner there, although he might have had one. One day, while Jim was in the kitchen preparing something, I had just gone into the bedroom, headed for the bathroom, when I suddenly SCREAMED in horror! Scared by this, I could hear Jim drop whatever he had been holding in his hand in the kitchen, as he quickly met me where I had already retreated back into the livingroom. I told him that I now knew where those nuts had been disappearing to, from off the floor where he had spilled the pile of them days earlier: A LARGE RAT!--- NOT a little MOUSE--- had been right by the bed, where we slept together every night, when I walked in and almost stepped on it, as it was eating those peanuts. 

I jumped up on a chair, while Jim called his landlord to come over, who put some poison in the closet that he thought it got in through, to hopefully kill it. Feeling really shaken up by the size, and close proximity to us, of that thing, I told Jim that I wanted to go back to sleeping in the barracks until it was dead and gone! His reaction was sweet, in that it showed how he had come to depend on me, to be there for him, because he said, as he looked at me so shocked and disappointed, "YOU are going to just LEAVE ME, here ALONE, with that here?" Of course, his needing me to be with him touched my heart, and I stayed! 

However, and I am laughing at us both a bit as I share this, Jim set up his stereo system on the bedroom floor, with one speaker at the end of the bed, and one at the side of the bed (the other side and the head of the bed were against walls), and had music playing out of it all night, for a few nights, to try to keep the rat away from us until it ate the poison and was gone for good. Speaking of floors, I will say that it was much easier to keep my room in the barracks shiny clean and ready for the inspections that happened regularly, after I started basically living with Jim 24/7. Now it was mostly a vacant room, as my roommate spent alot of time away with her boyfriend, as well.

It's odd how things happen in our lives, at times. Even when I can see that God's Hand is at work in my life in some situations, I still don't always know what the outcome is supposed to be, from that, when it's all said and done. Even when there seems to be obvious Signs, along the way, it often remains a mystery to me what those are actually trying to tell me! Maybe they were meant as Warning Signs, which I just didn't recognize at the time. Even though I pray about things, I seldom get crystal clear answers to what I am asking about, despite my imploring God to do that sometimes so that I don't miss His Will about whatever it is. 

I remember back when I had first arrived at Keesler AFB, for my Tech School training, the other female Airmen Basics were talking together in the hallway of our barracks, saying that their only goal now was to snag one of the young officers for themselves (like that was their main focus for even joining the service), now that they were out of the all-female, enlisted environment of their Basic Training back at Lackland. When I heard them saying this, it simply sounded so opportunistic to me, and I was turned off by their telling me that. It just seemed so shallow and self-serving. As strange as it sounds, given what happened with Jim and I, I was in fact the ONLY girl, in those conversations taking place around the barracks in Biloxi, that DIDN'T want that for myself! 

I had entered the military already being very disillusioned by what I had previously experienced of men in my life. What I was after, when I joined the Air Force, was at least a 20 year career, in the service, followed by a solid retirement for myself! That was what I had wanted, expected, hoped for, and worked toward, when I first enlisted. For me to be the girl to end up with a young officer, simply and suddenly dropping into my life seemingly out of the blue, and it becoming an intense and important personal relationship for me, was highly unlikely, and even unwanted by me, when it actually happened. 

In fact, I had kept my heart aloof, from Jim, in the beginning of our relationship, always gladly introducing him to these other girls in my barracks, who had expressed wanting to hook up with a young officer. It seemed, then, that the more I wanted him to meet these other women, the more he seemed to really only want to be with me, at first, with him doing the sweet little things that I already described, here, to seemingly try to win my heart for himself! I was the one, of the two of us, initially resisting actually falling in love. 

At that time, which was still early on in our relationship, he seemed insecure in his relationship with me, because of the fact that I was enjoying our time together but I didn't want to be in love! Sadly, for me, when he did finally convince me how deeply he felt about me, and I finally trusted him, and that, enough to give him my heart, in love, that was when he emotionally began to backpedal, leaving me with first, real confusion, and then, me holding my completely shattered heart in my own hands, once again, in pulverized pieces. Needless to say, all that didn't cause my attitude, and mood, toward him, to be very good.

When I had first met Jim, in the Fish Bowl at Keesler AFB, it hadn't seemed right to me, because it was in an enlisted personnel social hang out.  [Here is reference information, from the internet, for why I felt this way after my initial military training: "The rule across the U.S. Armed Forces is 'commissioned and warrant officers will not fraternize with enlisted members on terms of military equality'. This means no dating, no 'hanging out' together, no sexual relationships, etc. The officer can be charged with fraternization, which is a court-martial punishable offense. The enlisted member can be charged with failure to obey a lawful order or regulation, since all branches of the service have a standing regulation governing professional and unprofessional relationships. P.S. It is true that commissioned and warrant officers can be married to enlisted members, however." Source: Master Sergeant, USAF JAG Corps (this is the military justice branch, which also does military prosecutions when conducting court-martials) Also, from the internet, "You would be in direct violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice; Article 134. But if you think that you can somehow get away with it then by all means." 

And finally, from the website https://www.ucmjdefense.com/resources/military-offenses/fraternization-ucmj-art-134.html is this: "The Manual for Courts-Martial specifically includes fraternization between officer and enlisted personnel as an offense under UCMJ art. 134."] From what I saw, and experienced firsthand, while I was in the Air Force, it was mainly the officers that trampled this precept, more than the enlisted. Although, for it to go on, at least when it did mutually and voluntarily, clearly both of these groups were participating in this forbidden socialization with one another. 

When all was said and done, it ended up feeling to me like Jim had been the officer stalking enlisted prey, not Johnny Hunter, at the Fish Bowl that first day; behaving toward me, later on, as if it were simply a point of ego, for him, that I would finally find him irresistible enough to give him all of me, my heart included, even though in the end it was pretty apparent that it was only my body that interested him. I had joined the military for one reason only: to find a career for myself. When the other enlisted girls were telling me what their goal was, which differed greatly from mine, I was also the only one of us who felt extremely uncomfortable around anyone wearing rank on their uniforms, then, because of our being trained that 'never the twain shall meet', so to speak, where they were concerned. 

I was trying to be autonomous, too, by focusing on my own goals, for my life, rather than allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated again by some man for their own selfish ends. I had already gone through a bad marriage, with another man also named Jim [Reference my Blog post titled "My First Marriage: I Grew To Like Him As My Cousin But Not Really As My Husband"], and my first divorce at age 22, after I had given him access to my life, which had allowed him to put in place his plans for me that he wanted, ultimately at my expense, both ending my university studies and undermining my future goals. Now, after being off to a great start, from enlisting in the Air Force, with my having received the ribbon for Excellence during Basic Training, which I wore on my dress blues uniform, along with my receiving the Certificate for being the only Honor Graduate out of the hundred or so girls there were between my and our sister Flight at Lackland, I was excitedly planning out my military future, and setting my goals for that, which didn't include a deeply personal relationship with a man. 

However, as can be better understood through having read several of my previous posts about my upbringing, and family relationships, I got sidetracked once again, by this Jim, this time, due to my vulnerability from my very deep human hunger to be, and to feel, loved by someone, which was deepened by those deficits during my growing up years, and which affected so many of my choices as an adult, especially as a young one.

When Jim, a Second Lieutenant, was to attend an official Dining Out function on base, at the Officer's Club, he invited me as his date. I don't know whether anyone would have questioned my being there or not, since I had come to learn that the line drawn between officers and enlisted, to supposedly separate them was, in practice, a lot more flexible and fluid than was indicated during Basic Training; but also with my long hair and my Southern accent (and this base was in the deep South), I could easily be mistaken for being a local civilian girl. Jim, as a New Yorker, would squeal with delight and tease me when I would simply say his name, back then, because, as he put it, I could take his THREE LETTER name and make it into a TWO SYLLABLE word, in my pronouncing it as "Jee-yam". 

I only had my military uniforms (blues and fatigues), and some civilian jeans, shorts, t-shirts, and tank tops, to wear, so he took me to the local Edgewater Mall and bought me a long, flowing, peach-colored evening dress to wear to the Dining Out, along with the high heels and purse to go with it, plus, a flower ornament for my hair. His Tech School class mates met up with us after our arrival, and told me how very pretty I looked that night. I felt like a princess! It was the closest I ever came to living the Disney dream in real life. Jim was in his semi-formal mess dress uniform, for the event, and by then I wasn't nervous around displays of rank, anymore. 

After a lovely dinner, we danced there together, for our first time, to a live band playing a song with the words "happy anniversary" in the lyrics, making me sentimentally wonder if that was a Sign of what would happen with us, someday. Jim and I also both loved the music of that era, and disco dancing, especially on the brightly lit dance floors in the nightclubs during those disco days. Jim was quite a good dancer, and he taught me a couple of the routines from the movie 'Saturday Night Fever' which he had learned. Sometimes, I still do little parts of that, standing in my living room, of what I can recall from what he showed me how to do, so long ago now! To this day, I can't hear songs like 'Too Hot' by Kool & the Gang, 'Shining Star' by The Manhattans, 'Give Me The Night' by George Benson, without immediately identifying them with Jim, and how I felt about him in 1980. He always tuned in to Casey Kasem's Top 40 countdown on the radio, every weekend, both at his place, as we were getting ready to go out and do something fun, and then in the car, as we were going somewhere. He had worked at a radio station as a DJ, I think, when he was still living in Elmira. Music was always very important to us; something we were both truly into, as being the soundtrack for each of our lives, and our love. We would drive places with the radio playing all the hit songs, and my feet up on the passenger side dashboard (this was before air bags were in cars), just young, excited about life, and enjoying ourselves together! 

We also spent time at the beach, there on the Gulf Coast. On one 3-day holiday weekend, Jim took me to Disney World in Orlando, Florida, where we camped out (we slept in the hatchback of his car, at the campsite), along with several of his classmates from Tech School, who got caught in a downpour, while sleeping in their tents, before dawn on the last day, and pulled up stakes and went home. Jim and I stayed cuddled and cozy, though, in his little car, leaving later on. This paragraph sums up the bright and sunny side of our relationship together, when we dated.

Even with all that, though, issues had already arisen between us, which were affecting our relationship. Left to ourselves, we had both been very happy with one another, and Jim seemed as satisfied with our relationship as I was, with nothing in this life being perfect, by any means. But we would never really be able to simply stay to ourselves, because Jim especially was an extremely extroverted person, in his personality, and he seemed to feed off of socializing continually with lots of different people. I understood this about him, and it was fine with me, for him to be who he was. The issue I had with it, though, was that he was very deeply affected by others' outside opinions, and apparently gave that more sway in his own feelings and decisions than what he was even thinking and feeling about things for himself. Because of that, more often than not any of the negative thoughts he had or expressed to me, about our relationship with one another, seemed to come from those other people that were outside our relationship. Jim allowed their opinions to sow seeds of doubt about us, in himself, without affirming anything that was good about what we had together, with these people. 

On the way to Disney World, driving there in his car, to meet up with some of his Tech School chums, he let me know, as we were just talking together, that he had sought the opinion of these friends about his and my relationship with one another, and that the consensus seemed to be that they thought we weren't right for one another. That was devastating for me to hear, and it came at me just as I was about to spend the 3-day weekend with them, wondering who said what, and why, since they had always been so kind and complimentary to me when we did things with them sometimes, such as going over to one of the girl's apartments to dye Easter eggs. For me, my relationship with him was my real-life Disney fairy tale come true, with Jim as my truly amazing Prince Charming, and hopefully a Happily Ever After ending to our love story together! 

Wondering all weekend who had said what, about us, to cause a chill between Jim and I toward one another, I was still feeling stung by that as he and I sat in a dark theater together, there at Disney World, watching some animated presentation. Suddenly, the two cartoon characters, from the movie, of Cinderella and her Prince Charming, were on the screen rapturously dancing in one another's arms, with their happy ending assured them, despite the interference of outsiders in their relationship together! When they had appeared on the screen, Jim reached over, right then, and took my hand, just as he had done the very first day I had met him, and so many other sweet, and significant, times before. This time, though, I reacted viscerally in a negative way, to his doing that, and just as quickly as he had reached for my hand I pushed his away from me, feeling now that it must merely be some gratuitous gesture toward me, on his part, with no real sincerity or commitment toward me behind it, anymore, to give it that special meaning it had always had for me before. If Jim even noticed my reacting that way, this time, which he surely must have, he never said anything about it; to me anyway. 

I began to wonder, though, exactly how much of our private relationship he was running past other people, who were not a part of it, to ask and even poll them about their opinions, seemingly to cause changes and adjustments in how he felt toward me himself, which was very unsettling to me. And unfair, I thought. As a grown man, could he not navigate our relationship for himself more than that? Especially if he did, in fact, actually LOVE me! This was contributing greatly to my beginning to doubt his love for me, which caused me to close down toward him more and more, due to my desperately trying to protect my own heart from being broken by him. So, the small crevice which had appeared as a fault line in the ground we stood on, together, was starting toward becoming the chasm that ultimately formed between us, separating us, and our love, from one another, forever after. In regard to this, I was also about to find out, when his father entered the picture, that this growing rift, which I felt others were causing between us, would only get worse until, I believe, it had a huge hand in Jim's emotionally abandoning me, and our relationship. But, due to the length of these posts, I will cover that in the next one that I write about us, since it cannot all be covered in one post, here.

There were various forces which began to slowly but surely drag our relationship down, even over to the dark side, and once it was there, it never seemed to see the light again. While I had started staying over at Jim's apartment off base, after awhile, we didn't rush into a sexual relationship, which looking back surprises me because of my perception, rightly or wrongly, which I developed of Jim, over time, that he lived to do anything sexual with anyone at any time that he could! We had started with hand holding, and we kissed and such, but full on sex took a bit longer to get started between us. 

Jim and I went to New Orleans on a day trip, once, and while there we walked through an old, historical cemetery filled with above ground tombs, of which several had missing bricks, and a musty smell coming from inside them. It must have subconsciously troubled me, because that night, as I slept beside Jim in his bed back at his apartment, I had a horrible nightmare, and more asleep than awake I suddenly jumped over him to get out of the bed and ran to the other side of the room, standing there in the dark, shaking. 

Awakened by this, Jim turned on the light as he sat up on the side of the bed, naked, looking at me, sheer terror on my face! He moved as if to come toward me, but I scratched frantically at the air and looked so afraid that he thought better of it, and stayed where he was. Even as I began to feel more awake, I still was so very afraid, that it took me several minutes to be able to switch my thoughts and emotions over from the nightmare to the reality. It amounted to me having a complete panic attack! I slowly, through my hyperventilating, managed to finally say to Jim "I . . . was . . . raped." 

Compassion and awareness came over his previously confused and concerned look, and, empathetically, he suddenly pulled the sheet over to cover his exposed penis. I told him about my nightmare having been a very upsetting combination dream, where in it the man who had actually raped me in Greensboro years before had grabbed me, from inside one of the tombs with some of the missing bricks, like we had just seen in New Orleans, and pulled me into it, with him, raping me. 

[This link is a helpful reference, to this reaction among rape victims, such as me: https://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/a19899018/ptsd-after-rape/] Staying where he was, sitting on the bed, covered, because my expression remained one of horror, he laid his open hand on the bed cover, and waited patiently for me to very slowly be able to walk back across the bedroom, and eventually put my hand in his, as a sign of my trust of this man, after that violation of me by another. He told me that night that he would be with me through this challenge, that he would not forsake me over it, and that he would do anything and everything in his power and ability to help me to deal with it and hopefully to get past it. He was true to his word; about that. I would always be grateful to him for it . . . .

Because of his taking his time with me, starting with basics in our lovemaking, and building on that, he slowly but surely brought me from my sexual dysfunction to the place where I reveled in our sexual relationship! From my confining level of frigidity in the bedroom, Jim was able to set me freer, by far, than I had ever been before, to explore and enjoy my own sexuality, with him as my talented tour guide in the sack, causing me to become nearly nymphomaniacal in our relationship together! We had sex so constantly that I sometimes had trouble standing upright at attention, when in formation on base, because my vagina was so tender, and likely bruised, from all the thrusting it received. 

One morning, as we were leaving Jim's apartment, on the second floor, headed down the stairs to leave for the base, the couple who lived beneath him was standing in the doorway of their apartment on first floor, bleary-eyed and in bathrobes, saying to us as we came past them, "Don't you two EVER sleep?" Neither of us said anything, because it was clear to all of us that the answer could only be 'Not much', and partly from embarrassment, and partly from the joy of that fact, I had a little smile on my face from that! 

There were plenty of times, in bed with Jim, that I recall thinking that 'If I died and went to Heaven, I don't think I could feel any happier than I do at this moment!' I was well satisfied with our sex life. More than just that, though, I was fulfilled from his being there for me in every way, back then. I was young, and in love, and enjoying my personal life really for the first time in my life. My favorite music, to this day, primarily disco, is because it was the soundtrack of our relationship. It was our special time! Until it wasn't, anymore. Even as I watched it slowly but surely turning from a great place to an awful place, with us, there didn't seem to be anything at all that I could do about that. My heart started breaking, and it would continue to, from then on out.

While Jim was working with me on becoming more relaxed and responsive in bed, he had begun giving me alcohol to reduce my anxiety and help me to lose some of my inhibitions. It was very effective for that, and became a regular part of our routine, with him also benefiting from the way that affected me in bed. After awhile, there came a time that he expressed to me that he was very concerned about continuing with that in order for me to function as well with him sexually, even though he was also the one always supplying all those drinks I had, by either making them for me, at his place, or by buying them when we went out. He also drank, and though it usually didn't seem to affect him as much as it did me, there were still some times that it was problematic in ways with him, as well. The night of the Dining Out, after we had come back to his place, and I was already sitting in bed while he finished up in the bathroom, he fell flat on his face on the bedroom floor as he came into the room, apparently passed out drunk. This was rare for him, though; that was something that happened with me more often. 

He once introduced me to a married enlisted couple, Bill and Kathy, who looked as outwardly conservative in their appearance as Jim himself did. However, just as it was for me, with Jim, I was also seeing with them that I truly can't judge a book by its cover! To me, these two looked like the typical 'All American, conservative couple'. However, after Jim and I had gone out, somewhere, probably with them, and were dropping them off where they lived afterward, the three of them let me know that they had all been sexually involved, together, as a threesome, and were offering me the opportunity to participate in that as well, with them. Even though I had been drinking some that night, too, I was taken aback, and declined the offer, asking Jim about it afterward on the way back to his place. He told me that he had gotten very drunk one night and ended up doing that with them. He also described a costume party he had been to, where he said that he went wrapped in nothing but a sheet, leaving some of it trailing behind him, as a sperm, and that he had thought it was pretty funny when a young woman there had said to him, "Don't sit next to me, because I'm ovulating!" 

While I had come pretty far out of my shell, with Jim, I was now beginning to see sides of him which I hadn't even known had existed, and which went in a totally opposite direction to anything that I would ever be comfortable with, at the deepest core of who I am. This was deeply disturbing to me, on many levels, including due to my dawning realization that I probably would not be able to keep up with how far he wanted to go, with his own sexual explorations. I began to suddenly see that I was not going to be able to ever be enough for this man, by myself, to satisfy him sexually, especially since I had no desire at all to be anything other than monogamous, and heterosexual, with him alone! Even when I was under the influence of alcohol, there were some places he had already gone, and he had tried to go to, with me, and even more that he wanted to do sexually, still, that I knew I would never want to participate in. I couldn't be what he seemed to want!

Underneath all of it, my default position was, and would remain, in spite of everything (including some of my own actions, at some points in my life), quite a conservative one, when all was said and done, despite how it looked outwardly at the time. It seemed to me, though, that Jim's default position was turning out to be one of freewheeling, adventurous, promiscuity, with very few, if any, boundaries; and it shocked me! It saddened me, too, because that sweet man I had met and fallen in love with seemed to be vanishing right before my eyes, causing me to wonder if I had ever really known him at all! 

He had later told me, regarding that first day we had met at the Fish Bowl, that the other officer he was in there with, John Hunter, had wanted to come there to try to score some enlisted pussy, basically, because he was about to get married and settle down, and had wanted to 'sow some wild oats' just prior to that. While Jim ascribed that action to John's being in there, that day, saying that he had just come along with John (while apparently knowing that was this man's intention, the whole time, though), I noticed that I never saw Johnny again, on the enlisted side of the base, but Jim was always over there, even when he was not there to be with me. He created several activities that he could do with the enlisted personnel, such as when he taught a class on fiscal responsibility, gave free dance lessons, and set up an evening bonfire on the beach, all of which looked altruistic, outwardly, but now I was beginning to wonder about his true intentions with those things, because it was turning out to be Jim that appeared to be the one always out to score with the ladies, especially the enlisted ones it seemed, to some extent or other. 

It would lead to some very hurtful experiences with him, for me, as I was old-fashioned enough to consider myself exclusively involved with this man whom I was in love with, that I had thought also loved me!?! Now, I wasn't sure of anything, anymore, as far as he was concerned, which was extremely unsettling to me. I wasn't sure if I even really ever knew him, or if I wanted to, at this point, depending on who he actually was, which I was completely unsure of, now; or where his behavioral default position truly was! I was in deep waters, with him, now, that were already actually over my head, feeling like I could no longer feel solid ground under my feet. This caused me to feel very scared, and extremely insecure about our relationship with one another. Even though this was years before HIV/Aids would appear on the sexual scene, which could literally kill you (and for which there was initially no treatment, making it a definite death sentence), there were still several other STDs, which could cause other problems, some of which could even infect someone incurably, for life, that someone like myself could catch from their non-monogamous sexual partner. Jim had become a very high risk person for me to be sexually involved with, in any way, in my eyes. This love relationship, that had started out seeming so sweet and special between the two of us, to me anyway, was now increasingly becoming a living nightmare which I was fully awake for.

More and more, over the course of our relationship, I became haunted by the similarities between it and what the lyrics to the song 'Too Hot' were saying, feeling ominous dread.

Too Hot                (For me, this song seemed to be what Jim was saying to me, about us)

Kool & The Gang

At seventeen we fell in love   (we were young)
High school sweethearts        (we met at the base where our school was)
Love was so brand new
We took the vows of man and wife  
Forever, for life
I remember how we made our way
A little patience, the time we pray

Can't imagine that this love is through
Feelin' the pain, girl when you lose
Oh it's too hot, too hot, lady
Gotta run for shelter
Gotta run for shade

It's too hot, too hot, lady
We gotta cool this anger
What a mess we made
So long ago you were my love, oh my love

Flyin' high we never took the time   (Air Force reference, emotionally, to me)
To stop and feel the need
Funny how those years go by
Changing you, changing me            (I'm sitting here right now, crying, from these words)
I remember love's fever
In our hearts, girl and in our minds

Can't imagine that this love is through
Feelin' the pain, girl when you lose
Oh it's too hot, too hot, lady
Gotta run for shelter
Gotta run…

It's too hot, too hot, lady
Gotta cool this anger
What a mess that we've made 
So long ago you were my love
Feeling the pain

Oh, it's too hot, too hot, lady
Gotta run for shelter
Gotta run for shade
It's too hot, too hot, lady
Gotta cool this anger
From this mess that we've made

It's too hot, too hot, lady
Gotta run for shelter
Gotta run for shade

It's too hot, so so hot . . . .

To this day, I still react to hearing that song with tears, unable to think of anything or anyone other than Jim, and how the loss of our love felt to me; just as I feel when I am confronted with 'our' other songs of that time, such as 'Shining Star' by the Manhattans:

Shining Star           (For me, this song seemed to be what I was saying to Jim, about us)

The Manhattans

Oohh yeah
Honey you are my shining star
Don't you go away
Oh baby
Wanna be right here where you are 
Until my dying day, yeah baby

So many have tried
Tried to find a love like yours and mine
Girl don't you realize
How you hypnotize
Make me love you more each time, yeah baby

Honey I'll never leave you lonely
Give my love to you only
To you only, to you only

Honey you are my shining star
Don't you go away
No baby
Wanna be right here where you are
Until my dying day, yeah baby

Feels so good when we're lying here 
Next to each other lost in love, yeah baby
Baby when we touch, love you so much 
You're all I've ever dreamed of, yeah baby

Honey I'll never leave you lonely
Give my love to you only
To you only, to you only

Honey you are my shining star
Don't you go away girl
No…

[NOTE: As I have been sitting here preparing this post, today (which is a process that actually takes me many hours, over several days, to do such ones as this), it was sometimes cloudy, but it had not been stormy. In fact, it had even been sunny almost all day today, as I was working on this post, up until the point that I started to share these song lyrics here, because they say so much in my describing what this one person meant to me in my life. While I did tear up, as I always seem to when I am hearing or thinking about the words to these songs, which were 'our songs', to me, I was startled by seeing that, just exactly as I began to put the lyrics into my Blog, and describe how deeply they still touch me, the sky suddenly opened up into a full, heavy downpour, here! I had to tell you about that, because I have always said that I feel God also cries with me, when I am especially sad or hurting, with the rain as His 'tears from Heaven'. I have already been describing, here in this post, the strange Signs, and unusual twists and turns, which brought, and for awhile kept, Jim and I together in our relationship. Before God, Whom I love with all that I am, I testify that right at this very moment there is a very sudden, heavy rain falling, after it had been beautiful, and sunny, almost all day here, until I was listing the song lyrics in this post! I don't know what it means, exactly, but I believe with all my heart it is a Sign of God crying with me, just as I felt it was when I was working on another, particularly painful, post, and that happened. Also, as I finished putting the lyrics on here, highlighting those of them with the deepest meaning to me, then writing this note about what had happened with the rain, the sun began to come back out again, and the rain lightened and began to stop, as suddenly as it had appeared, for those specific minutes. And, now, it's over. Both the rain and the relationship. Gone as quickly as they came.]

One more song that summed up what it was like for me, being with Jim, with how he was:

Give Me the Night           (These lyrics reflect the way that Jim loved to engage life, then)

George Benson

Whenever dark has fallen
You know the spirit of the party starts to come alive
Until the day is dawning
You can throw out all your blues and hit the city lights

'Cause there's music in the air
And lots of loving everywhere
So give me the night
Give me the night (Feelin' evening, alright tonight)

You need the evening action
A place to dine, a glass of wine a little late romance
It's a chain reaction
You'll see the people of the world coming out to dance

'Cause there's music in the air
And lots of loving everywhere
So give me the night
Give me the night (Feelin' evening, alright tonight)

So come on out tonight
And we'll lead the others on a ride through paradise
And if you feel all right
Then we can be lovers 'cause

I see that starlight look in your eyes             (That IS how I looked at Jim!)
And…                                                               (As did other girls, he charmed, that I saw)

This man who had totally been there for me, so tenderly nurturing my needs, whom I had adored, now seemed completely indifferent to my concerns about any of these drastic changes in him. This is the same man who had so thoughtfully fixed me that special dinner, and given me the card, that day, that said he loved me! He was the one to show that first. He was the one to say that first. And, now, I wondered, 'Was it all a LIE?' Was it a GAME, with him? Was having me fall in love with him, so utterly and completely, something he simply gave himself points for, egotistically (because almost as soon as I loved him back, and let him know that, these complete changes started unfolding in his behavior)? I felt conflicted now. I was in love with Jim, but NOT with this OTHER Jim; and, really, WHICH one was actually HIM? The REAL Jim?!? I didn't know, but more and more I had a sinking feeling that the sweet, sensitive man I had fallen in love with, that had said he loved me, was gone for good! I began to even believe that the truth about why he was in the Fish Bowl was for HIM to find an easy target to lay, not John. If that were true, then I was his chump, and it could explain why he suddenly seemed so different, after he knew that he completely had me. I didn't know what to think, but more and more of what I thought about him wasn't very good. 

On his birthday, June 2, we celebrated with some of his Tech School friends, which included some young female officers who attended there with him. I have a photograph of him from that day, standing on the beach, wearing two of those coned, cardboard, birthday hats, one on each side of his head, covering his ears, wearing his bathing trunks, with his arm outstretched high, pointing at something he saw out on the water. He had acted like a hairy-chested, 5'9", three-year-old, for much of that day, as I recall, totally wrapped up in himself. After being at the beach, several people had come back to his apartment, to keep the party going. I have never been much of a party person, but I was finding out that Jim seemed to live for partying, and wilder times than I would ever be comfortable with. Feeling concerned, annoyed, and frightened, by this change in him, I wondered who this man even was . . . because he was no one that I recognized, anymore.

It had been a long day. First, at the beach in the hot sun and humidity of the Gulf Coast, and now back at his place, where the group of his friends eventually thinned out some. Earlier that evening, feeling tired from the sun and probably after some drinks as well, I went into his bedroom and laid down on the bed, where we always slept together, and went to sleep. When I woke up, hours later, in the wee hours of the early morning by that time, he was still partying on, out in the living room, with only two remaining, female, friends. They were playing some kind of a game, cards or such, apparently from what I heard of the conversation for rubbers--- CONDOMS--- as their 'prize'! If I had not woken up when I did, since Jim was the only one left now at his party with a penis, what good would that 'prize' have done either female winning it, unless he was planning, as part of their 'prize', to wear it, and use it, for them? 

Remembering his behavior with Bill and Kathy, the married couple he had a threesome with, and his previous partying (un)dressed as a SPERM, I didn't think this was any innocent-ending scenario playing itself out, in the next room from where I had lain sleeping in the same bed he and I shared together. Feeling so disrespected and upset by his insensitivity, and his apparently wanting to have it both ways, all the time, anymore, hurting me deeply in the process, I left his apartment. Unable to return to my barracks on base, without a ride, I went and sat in the hallway of another apartment building in this complex, waiting until I heard the two women finally leave, then I went back to Jim's place, got all my things, and had him take me back to the base, yet again. My getting upset by his wild behavior, enough for me to require that he take me back to the barracks to stay, instead of there with him, was becoming a pattern with us.

Even though I usually stayed with him at his apartment, because of these disturbing deeds of his, due to which he so disgusted me, which were increasingly frequent, I didn't want to even be around him anymore! Worse, although it was already bad enough, now, even when he knew that I was upset about his extreme and risky behaviors, both socially and sexually, he never addressed my concerns, or explained, or apologized. It became all about him, and only about him! What he wanted, and when, and how. Everything was on his terms now. He was the star in his own show; the center of his own universe, and I was just one little, obviously expendable player in this game, to him, based on the fact that actions speak louder than words. 

He began to repulse me more and more often, by the things he was doing now, and it caused a lot of tension between us. On top of it really concerning me, about him, and for him, he was always completely indifferent toward my expressing any of my anger or hurt or worry about any of it, especially as it impacted our own relationship, causing me to leave him, breaking up with him, several times. However, because I was still so completely in love with the part of him that I thought, or wished, was still inside him, somewhere, and desperately hoping that he would, sooner or later, default back to that, again, instead of acting out as this Wild Child like he was doing almost all the time, now, I would return to him, very soon, after each time that I left him. We were in a very bad pattern for sure, now.

Besides that, our sex life together was undeniably hot, between us, and I had also become addicted to him, in that way, to the point where I only thought about, and wanted to be with, him. Even while I was surrounded by many other young men that wanted, and tried, to be with me, as one of the proportionally few, and relatively attractive, females on this military base full of testosterone-driven males, I only had eyes for this man, who was acting more and more like a real jerk, toward me. There wasn't one single day, while I was in the service, that men didn't try to date me, or do more than that with me. 

While I did date other servicemen, after I was sent to Offutt AFB, in Nebraska, as my permanent change of station, leaving Keesler, and Jim's apparent rejection of our relationship, behind me, with him still in school there, I was never able to get romantically involved with any of them, beyond just some kissing outside my dorm on base, sitting in the car, with just one of them, once. There are other things I will say about this, when I do my post on my military service at some point, in this Blog, but it needs to be said here in this post that, during my entire time in the military, I managed, despite all the focus on and intentions toward me, by a large number of males, to never have sex with anyone, other than Jim, even after we weren't even on the same base together anymore.

Right before I was to finish my Tech School and graduate, leaving Keesler then for Offutt Air Force Base, in Nebraska, I was studying for my final, comprehensive, course exam, at Jim's apartment, because of my trying to be with him as much as possible before I was to PCS from this base. He had arranged to host an enlisted social group, for an evening bonfire on the beach, and would be gone for awhile that evening. I decided, after talking to him about it, to also go along, so I could spend more time with him before I would soon be gone altogether to my permanent duty station. I reminded him that it was very important that I still get back in time to finish studying for my final test, though, the grade of which would become part of my permanent military record. He didn't seem to react to my going on the outing with him one way or the other, but behaved in a very neutral way about that. 

Only a handful, of young enlisted women, attended the event. Jim was very focused on getting to know these girls better, and I was left to watch him doing this, from across the bonfire on the opposite side. At one point, I shared a funny song that I had learned at summer camp as a kid, singing it sounding off key, because that was the comical way it was to be sung, as it had been taught to me. Apparently the girls there (and perhaps Jim as well) just thought that I couldn't carry a tune at all, as they had very critical expressions on their faces as they listened to me sing. Jim simply looked like I was an embarrassment, to him, there. So, I went back to the car, shortly after, as it was also getting quite late at night by then, and studied some of my test material, I had brought along with me, by using the overhead light in his car.

He remained at the bonfire with the girls, not seeming to want to part with one another, as the girls hung onto him, and his every word to them, for about another hour or more. When he finally got to the car, I was hurt, and I was pissed. I felt disrespected by him. He simply acted indifferent to my being upset about how the evening had gone, although as his live-in girlfriend, 99.99% of the time, then, it was terribly painful to me that he didn't even seem in the least bit sad about my PCSing soon, and he wasn't communicating anything to me at all, especially about what I, or our relationship together, even meant to him. It was so underwhelming that I can't even recall our actual good-bye. 

Nevertheless, I received the top score on the final exam, in my Tech School, out of all the students in that class, making me the Honor Graduate again, for that, and I was given recognition for it from the Air Force. At least they appreciated my effort and contribution! I should have simply stayed focused on that, to start with, and not allowed myself to be sidetracked by Jim's apparently superficial and insincere charm. I am sure I would have been better off, if I had. That deep, human, hunger to be loved, though, had dragged me down again, to a place that I didn't want to be. A place that made me very unhappy.

I felt very used by him, like I had simply been a chump for trusting him at all, especially for giving him my heart! When we got back to his place, I didn't say one word more about it, because he wasn't communicating with me at all, anyway, and seemed totally unconcerned with the fact that I felt so mistreated by him. I gathered my belongings that I kept there, because I was pretty much living with him at his apartment off base, and I silently stood by the door, indicating I wanted to just go back on base to my room at the barracks. So, that's where he took me, never saying anything at all to me, about how that night had gone, or why he was so completely indifferent to my needs, or what he thought was the depth, or not, of our personal relationship with one another. 

It had become ALWAYS ABOUT HIM, somewhere along the way, and I was left in the dust, of that, as if I had been dropped there, by him, and then backed over, to add insult to injury! I was left feeling like CHUMP CHANGE, totally disrespected and uncared for. Yet, because I had finally been convinced, by his earlier efforts, to give him my heart, and I had given it to him completely, I couldn't seem to extricate it, now, even though it seemed clearer than clear that I needed to. I felt humiliated, and even worse that that, all of my obvious pain seemed to feed Jim's ego, as if he had simply 'scored' me, as just one more notch on his 'Woman Slayer' belt for having messed me up this badly on an emotional level. 

My cheeks still burn right now, from the humiliation of that, as I sit here writing about it almost 40 years later! I didn't understand him at all, anymore; how he could be so cold and emotionally distant, toward me, after his doing all he could to 'win' me, and so sweetly, before this stuff started. It seemed like the classic thing you hear about men just being into the thrill of bagging (more like 'bedding') their prey, and how bored they get once they've caught it, when the challenge is gone for them, then. Just playing games with people's lives! The pain and grief I felt, watching this happen and not being able to do anything about it, unable to reach him behind his barrier of aloofness he had set up now between us, was gut-wrenching for me. I would have been so much better off, in my life, if I had never met him! But, it was TOO LATE for that, now. The damage was done, with even more of that to follow, in my relationship with this man.

After coming to Offutt, I did call Jim, at the start of a three-day holiday weekend, to tell him I wanted to fly back to see him, and I did. We ended up spending the entire weekend having sex. However, when I first arrived there, back at Keesler, I took the base shuttle bus, to go around to see some of my friends there who were still in school. While doing that, I ran into a girl from my old unit, right on that shuttle bus, who, knowing that I knew Jim (because he had met several of the girls in my unit through me, while I was stationed there, as I introduced them), told me that SHE actually had a FIRST DATE with HIM, THAT EVENING, and asked me if I would please give him the message, since I would be seeing him later, that she would not be keeping that date with him because she had just found out earlier this same day that she had contacted a venereal disease from some guy she had screwed at the Airman's Club, as she put it, and had just had to get a big shot in her butt to try to cure that! 

I was horrified, and I told Jim her message later on, showing him my panic that he could have caught a serious STD had their date happened on that very evening! I couldn't imagine being that careless, or casual, about one's own health and safety! So, I realized, he had continued to harvest his dates from the enlisted side of the base, including using those introductions I had made, between him and the girls I knew in my unit there, to be a ready source of social, if not sexual, activity for himself now that I was no longer on this base. I asked him if he was at all concerned that he could have caught something from this girl he was supposed to be with, this same night that I got into town for the weekend, but he never seemed phased by any of my concerns about what I saw as his high risk behaviors. 

His female neighbor, who lived directly across from him, a new face to me, saw he and I together in the hallway between their apartments, while I was there, and they both acted rather oddly regarding my presence there, upon seeing one another, causing me to suspect that he was finding no shortage of interested young women wherever he was, anymore. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to just let go, after so much writing was on the wall by now, about the direction that he wanted to take in his life, which was very apparently the polar opposite of where I wanted to go with mine! 

What had that 'life flashing before my eyes' thing even MEANT, back when I had first met him at the Fish Bowl? Did I still love this person, or even know who he was, to be able to actually know whether I loved him, for him, or not? Or was I simply sexually addicted to the man who had freed me from my frigidity, and then made me into a near nympho now, sexually, but only with him? I couldn't find the answers to any of these things. All I knew for sure was that my heart was truly breaking, over this man, while he seemed very indifferent to that happening to me, adding insult to my injury, and leaving me hurt, confused, angry, sad, and completely at a loss as to how to deal with any of this with him, now. [Reference the following website, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201205/the-mysteries-implausible-relationships for an excellent overview of the possible causes involved here.] 

One thing about Jim that amazed me was that he was always able to do whatever he felt like, at any time, in any place, with anyone, without having any seemingly serious or negative repercussions ever coming back on him because of it! Even apart from what he did with, and to, me, other things he did, during his military career, such as what he and Bill and Kathy, an enlisted couple, had all said they had done, together, could have also led to his court-martial. Yet he would make it all the way through his full Air Force career, while remaining virtually unscathed by scandal, as far as I knew, even becoming a military contractor after that. 

As for me, partly because I was so thoroughly hung up on him that I couldn't see straight, and that left me an emotional wreck, I reported to my next duty station in a very vulnerable frame of mind. I was brokenhearted, greatly distracted by my love, and deep concern, for Jim, back at Keesler, and having a monogamous heart, by default, I fought off every one of the many men trying to get in my life (and my uniform pants) at my new base. I cried a lot. I missed Jim all the time, unable to forget him or to get over him. I ended up emotionally drained, and physically sick; and largely because my heart still belonged to Jim, even though it was also excruciatingly clear to me that he didn't seem to want it, anymore, I monogamously refused to have sex with anyone else. 

There are alot of things about my military service which will be expounded on, in a post addressing that, at some point. For now, though, it needs to be said that, devastated by the loss of Jim in my life, whom I simply couldn't get over, despite knowing that I should, and desperately trying to protect myself from being even further victimized, as a very vulnerable, and enlisted, woman, I finally ended up turning in my own, married, commander at Offutt AFB, also a (first) lieutenant named Jim (I have developed a real phobia about that name, since I had an uncle Jim, too, who molested me when I was 11), after he tried several times to coerce, and even order me, to have sex with him. I absolutely refused to, even after he TOLD me in no uncertain terms that we WERE going to have SEX, despite having NO personal relationship with one another, because I knew that I wouldn't ever do that with him! 

Because of my being in this hyper-male-dominated environment of the military, I was then threatened, intimidated, discredited, humiliated, and ultimately discharged from the Air Force, losing my military career. So, apparently I was in no trouble, when I 'fraternized' with Jim, back in Biloxi, but when I flatly refused to 'fraternize' with another officer, in Omaha, both of whom were lieutenants, I was the one that ended up discharged from the Air Force! I am sure that both men went on their way without any real consequences, of any negative nature, from their behavior, as far as their official military careers went, while I was left scared, and stressed out, and completely brokenhearted, from all of it, across the board, when it was all said and done. 

If ever there was a cautionary tale, for enlisted women, to show them it would be much better for them, in the long run, if they simply stuck to their training, and didn't fraternize, my sad story is it (even though they could still lose their military career, for finally doing the RIGHT thing, just as I did!). These people, these men, these Air Force officers, left me hurt and angry, for similar reasons, but in different ways, after my being both barraged by and brokenhearted from them, as an enlisted female. 

All these years later, it is not about any of that anymore, for me. My military career is long gone. My marriage to Jim is long over with. Now it is about my finally interjecting the truth into the situation, since it has stood, as it was, for all these decades since, without my doing that. What I want, here and now, is for the truth to finally take its rightful, and righteous, place, in regard to all of these things, which so greatly affected my life, and its outcomes.

I suppose I could have titled this post "A Cautionary Tale After Falling In Love With An Officer I Wasn't Even Supposed To Be Seeing As An Enlisted Girl", and had it summed up by that fairly well. Although I feel absolutely foolish writing about this man, whom it never worked out with, nor ever could, while also admitting here that to this day I have still never gotten over him, out of all the men that I have ever known, I am willing, for all that, to feel as humiliated as I do, sharing this now, in order for me to continue to provide an honest look into my life; what is has been like, and how it has affected me. This part of my story, about Jim, is a very important chapter in my life, for several reasons, not the least of which is that we have a son together, and so it simply has to be included in this Blog because of that. 

There is an old movie, from 1961, starring Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty, called 'Splendor In The Grass'. The story line is alot like what happened with Jim and I. Even the underlying themes are so similar that it's scary! Just as it was with the two of us, their relationship was also largely undermined, and ultimately destroyed, because of negative influences, many of which came from others outside of their relationship with one another. These forces damaged and derailed their relationship with one another, altering the course of their lives. 

The movie also did not have a Hollywood happy ending, as far as this couple was concerned. What Jim and I had together ultimately got swallowed whole, by the darkness, both in and around us, and that's the last I knew of where it stood, between us, through all these years since. He moved on, and remarried, and I tried to. The real-life Disney fairy tale was over, for me, with this man that I still loved with my whole self, and it did not end with "And they lived happily ever after", for the two of us, together. 

Love is too tender to tamper with. They say that you never do get over your first, TRUE, love. Jim was that, for me. So, I would have to say that is totally true. As is what I shared in this post.

When all was said and done, the very last lines, at the end of the movie I spoke of, are: "Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind." That's a challenge, for me.

I Remembered It Was Iszak's Birthday . . .

                               [This is one of my Christian devotionals which I wrote]

I moved to a different apartment during the late summer, in a new neighborhood for me, and got to know the staff of the nearby family discount store fairly well as I frequently bought things from there in the process of my getting settled. Being mindful---  most of the time---  to try to reflect God's love to others, in a more personalized way whenever possible, in my sphere of influence as a Christian, I made a mental note to myself one day when the store manager, Iszak, told me in our conversation at the checkout that his birthday was (months from then but) a few days before Christmas. Then, I wrote it down on my calendar as soon as I got home, before I could forget it amidst all the other things I had going on in my own life to think about. I felt that it would be meaningful to him for me to honor him with that acknowledgement, come December, with me also planning to thank him, once again, on that day, for all his help to me. 

I regularly went to him with my ever-evolving list of things that I needed or wanted in my life but wasn't finding easily, or at all, on my own, and he always graciously made himself available to help guide me to the right thing at the right time, meeting my needs. Iszak was always a very diligent worker, which included his willingly, even graciously, taking the time to listen attentively regarding my ongoing search for whatever it was that I was looking for at the time in order to make my life more satisfying. As we talked together, over time, whenever I would stop in, with my list in hand, to find him still faithfully working to provide me and others with exactly what we were in need of, he sometimes shared with me how he felt unappreciated, in general, for all he was always doing to keep things going as conscientiously as he did, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. It was never ending, for him, and often a thankless-seeming cycle, to be sure!

I admired how he held up under all of that, while still remaining charitable toward everyone, especially when it was clear at times that he was wearied by the extensive ingratitude, sometimes even feeling drained by the demands placed on him. It was a fairly thankless position, that he was in, and it was obvious that the return, on the investment of himself, seemed to be much less, by comparison. He wasn't really a complainer, by nature, either. He was just honestly stating the facts when he described how one-sided it often felt to him, with him giving his all while receiving so little in return from so many! He was definitely worth more, for being who he was, and for doing what he did, than he was often treated like.

When my calendar informed me in December that Iszak's birthday had finally arrived, the designated day to celebrate his taking his place on this planet to make his mark on it, including all the things he accomplished through his work, which I directly benefited from, and truly appreciated, I went over to the store to seek him out. While also getting what I needed for myself, to prepare for what the weather man was assuring us would be a significant change coming along with the first day of winter, I found Iszak there, still faithfully working as hard as ever, even on his own birthday. I told him that I had taken note of the fact that this day was his birthday, heartily wishing him the very best day, thanking him again for all that he did to help me, and spending some time talking with him about what the events of the day meant through his eyes. 

Seeming unused to such mindful care being shown toward him, he thanked me, after recovering from the sheer shock of the sentiments shown him. He was so used to doing all of his work, often behind the scenes, day in and day out, largely unnoticed, unless someone sought him out with a complaint, or they needed something from him that they hadn't been able to get, on their own, that he hardly knew how to receive the honor and thanks that I was giving him, for what he did for me and everyone else, all the time. I had just wanted to let him know, especially on this significant day to him personally, that he, and all that he always did for me, mattered to me, and that I appreciated him. He deserved to know that, directly from me.

The next morning, in the early quiet, while I was giving my praise and adoration to God as I do every day, because of the intimate relationship we share, and because of His joy, in receiving that from me, I was mindful of the approaching birthday of my Savior, also. I thought about the challenge we have as humans, who are all too often preoccupied, distracted, multitasking, life-juggling people, to not only consciously center Jesus foremost in our celebration of Christmas, but at times to even remember to invite or include Him at all, in the midst all the activities that surround this holiday. But it's His birthday!

As I recalled the care I had taken to note the date of Iszak's upcoming birthday, months ahead of time, in order for me to remember to personally honor him when the day finally came, by my acknowledgement of its significance to him, along with my simply taking the time to seek him out, and thank him, on that day, I felt a blush of shame, and a pang of sadness, from my sudden realization that in the many Christmas memories I have from over the years, of family, food, holiday lights, music, and presents, MY SAVIOR, Jesus, seemed to be conspicuously absent from much of that. And it's HIS birthday!

Christmas far too often seems to be about our celebration of so many other things, than His birthday, among us. He gets forgotten, or forsaken, under piles of glittery gift wrap, festively decorated cookies, and shiny new purchases beckoning us to explore and enjoy them. But it's His birthday! HIS birthday. So much of the time, it seems, our including Him at all has been relegated to only being an afterthought, at best. Christmas is also often remembered as being either a 'good' or 'bad' day by us, based on how things unfolded for us, in our interactions and experiences on this special day, with hardly a thought in our heads about whose birthday it actually is, or how the day went for Him. I wondered to myself why we so often have so much trouble keeping in mind what the celebration is truly for?

We humans are always so personally needy! And that very neediness can cause such selfishness in us. As Jesus' birthday, the Christmas celebration really isn't even about us, as much as it is FOR us! Because it's HIS birthday! And He was born to die, FOR us. That precious baby, lying asleep amidst the livestock, "did come for to die" as the carol 'I Wonder As I Wander' describes. We are to celebrate the birthday of Jesus because He was born, among us, as Emmanuel---  God WITH us!---  and through His coming, living, and dying FOR US we are redeemed from our sin and SET FREE by Him, to live eternally, and joyfully, with Him! That all began, for us, with His birthday. That is worth our taking note of, our honoring Him, and our celebrating, WITH Him!

While the ordinary people in our everyday lives are often so unused to being shown honor by us, or our actually celebrating them, as part of our appreciation for their contribution to our lives, that it causes them to be shocked when it happens like Iszak was on his birthday, God is also largely unused to being honored by many of us. However, with Him being God, He is also acutely aware that He alone is truly THE ONE deserving of being given all of our praise and appreciation!

God created us for a very personal relationship with Him, and our honoring Him on a regular basis, and especially on His own birthday, is a very important part of that. Happy Birthday, Jesus! I took note of the fact that it's Your special day today, and I want to thank You for all that You do every day, even on Your own birthday, to help me, and to guide me to exactly what I need from You, at any given time, in my life's journey. May those of us whom You have saved not ever neglect, or ever forget, to include You in our Christmas celebration.

          I Wonder as I Wander*

     I wonder as I wander out under the sky,

       How Jesus the Savior did come for to die.

       For poor on'ry people like you and like I...

    I wonder as I wander out under the sky.

              When Mary birthed Jesus 'twas in a cow's stall,

                    With wise men and farmers and shepherds and all.

                  But high from God's heaven a star's light did fall,

        And the promise of ages it then did recall.

   If Jesus had wanted for any wee thing,

    A star in the sky, or a bird on the wing,

         Or all of God's angels in heaven for to sing,

                He surely could have it, 'cause he was the King.

                           * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Wonder_as_I_Wander

Luke 17:11 - 19; John 5:17; Psalm 103:1 - 5; Luke 2:11 - 14; Revel. 4:11; Psalm 100:1 - 5