While I came nowhere close to that goal that I had for myself going in, during what would end up being my brief time in service, there is also no way to call enlisting in the military merely a "job", either, because it encompasses everything about your life, not simply what you do for work. When you join the service, especially as an enlisted person (versus becoming an officer), it renders your self-will strictly submissive to that of others regarding almost everything about your life, at least officially. You no longer have much, if any, control over where you live, with whom, and for how long; what you wear or how you choose to groom yourself as far as your professional appearance; how you behave toward and interact with others; what you eat; how much you exercise; and when you sleep, or don't. You may not even have the final decision in what job you are assigned and trained to do, as that is ultimately a mission-based determination, more than about personal preference, although your aptitudes are taken into account, through the testing that you are given. You belong to 'Uncle Sam' 24/7, in the strictest sense, and cannot even take a sick day or a vacation (Leave) without first getting permission to do so, in order to avoid serious, possibly punitive, consequences. More than just a job, actually even more than a career, it is a unique lifestyle, pervasively affecting every single thing about how you live, which includes calling on you to step up and sacrifice many of your own freedoms, and perhaps even your very life itself, as an American in service of, and for the good of, all citizens of our country, for however long you are a member of the military. This is indeed a noble calling, then, in that sense.
Hindsight is truly 20/20, especially when you are both naive and optimistic about your future. From the very outset of my pursuing a military career, 'the writing was on the wall', complete with dirty depictions reminiscent of those seen in shadowy bathroom stalls, which, as I look back, was already alerting me to what it would actually be like, for me, as a young woman joining the military, long before I ever enlisted. Each time I saw those Red Flags appear in the situation, though, I truly believed (or wanted to believe), at the time, that they were only from extreme and isolated incidents, which surely did not reflect what the structure of actual military life would be like for me, going forward. I refer here to my interactions with the recruiters for the various branches of the service that I considered joining, before finally settling on the Air Force (which in fact was in large part because that was the first, and only, recruiter, of the group of them representing the various branches of the service, that was always a perfect gentleman toward me when we interacted with one another).
Hindsight is truly 20/20, especially when you are both naive and optimistic about your future. From the very outset of my pursuing a military career, 'the writing was on the wall', complete with dirty depictions reminiscent of those seen in shadowy bathroom stalls, which, as I look back, was already alerting me to what it would actually be like, for me, as a young woman joining the military, long before I ever enlisted. Each time I saw those Red Flags appear in the situation, though, I truly believed (or wanted to believe), at the time, that they were only from extreme and isolated incidents, which surely did not reflect what the structure of actual military life would be like for me, going forward. I refer here to my interactions with the recruiters for the various branches of the service that I considered joining, before finally settling on the Air Force (which in fact was in large part because that was the first, and only, recruiter, of the group of them representing the various branches of the service, that was always a perfect gentleman toward me when we interacted with one another).
During my first marriage, to a Navy veteran, who was still active in the Reserves, I called an Army recruiter on the phone, while we were still living in Greensboro, North Carolina, and told him about my interest in joining the service. (My father had been enlisted in the Army, as a young man, and I had seen pictures of him in his uniform back then, in which he looked really happy, so I thought it might be a good place to start.) As we talked over the phone, this recruiter asked me how my reading and math skills were, and so forth, telling me that I would be tested and that I had to have a certain level of scoring to be acceptable for enlistment.
What he was telling me touched on an insecurity that I had about my math skills, because that was the one subject that I had really struggled with in school. When I told him about that, he kindly offered to come by the apartment and talk to me more about it, and bring some practice test examples, in order to gauge exactly where I fell on the spectrum of math ability. I was home with no way to go to the recruitment office, since my husband drove our only car to work. I felt so grateful for this recruiter's help and understanding with this situation, as it was very important to me, especially since it was part of my exploration into how I might possibly be able to finally leave this unhappy marriage, and live on my own now, as well as find a better, and brighter, future for myself.
On the day that the Army recruiter was to come over to the apartment to help me with this, he was right on time, looking very professional in his military uniform, and seeming at first to be very caring about my situation. He asked me more questions about my predicament, especially since, at that time, I would have been enlisting as a married woman, and in a different branch of the service than my husband was in. I explained that it was not a good marriage, between us, but that I needed to be able to find a viable way to leave, instead of being dependent on him, so that we could get a divorce.
After testing me with some math problems, which he told me were like those on the aptitude test that I would have to take, causing me to feel hopeful as he said that I did well enough on those to be able to easily pass, he asked me for a glass of water from the kitchen. I went in to get it for him, and was standing at the sink filling the glass when I suddenly felt him pressed right up against my body, after following me in there! Quickly setting the glass down, I turned to see why he was doing that to me, when he suddenly backed me into the corner, against the wall, and unzipped his uniform pants, pulling out his erect penis so quickly that I don't think he had been wearing any underwear.
I felt physically frozen in fear, as I was trying to figure a way out of this very precarious position that I found myself in, with this happening to me in my own home, alone with this man. My husband and I lived in the end apartment; nobody would likely hear me if I screamed, and I was too afraid to think my voice would work for that anyway as I felt complete panic coming over me, with him trying to get me to fondle his penis now, which I wasn't about to do! My mind was racing as my eyes fell on the clock in the kitchen, showing that it was around noon. Suddenly, using my panic FOR me rather than AGAINST me, since that and my wits were ALL I HAD, to try to protect myself, at this moment, I said to him, "It's time for my husband to come home! He ALWAYS COMES HOME for LUNCH! He will be here ANY MINUTE! You need to go! Quickly!"
Zipping up his pants, he looked none the wiser for my having used this ploy to get him to leave, and, saying that he would be back, the next day, with a bottle of wine for us to share, he left, as I sank to the floor from both fear and relief as I heard the front door close behind him. My husband actually NEVER came home for lunch! How that idea was even able to come to mind for me, especially as scared as I was at the time, I do not know, but I was so glad that it did! Just because I was in a bad marriage does not mean that I wanted anything like that to happen, and I am sure that I was not flirting with this man in any way, as my focus was solely on the recruitment--- for MILITARY service; NOT for this Army recruiter's SEXUAL service!
By the way, he actually DID show up, again, the next day, just as he said he was going to, holding a bottle in his hands. I didn't open the door, or answer as he kept knocking. I simply peeked out the upstairs window of the townhouse until I saw him 'get the message', when I never answered the door, and finally leave. I never heard from him again, and I had no intention of joining the Army after that happened to me! At the time, I just figured that it must just be the LOW CLASS branch of the service, if HE was any representation of it, which, as a Recruiter, he WAS, and I was not interested in anything down on that level of behavior, from a man or a military branch, at all! Because that shook me up alot, and because my husband and I moved from Greensboro to Norfolk, Virginia, soon afterward, when he took a temporary active duty assignment as a Shore Patrol, I didn't look further into the possibility of military enlistment for me, for a couple of years.
By then, my husband and I were finally divorced, after going through the one year of legal separation which was required in North Carolina prior to that. Since I had moved into a little studio apartment in Hickory, North Carolina, when we were first separated, during that year, and for the year following, I had been running, first, Winders, and then, OMM machines, in a noisy, hot, textile plant, and felt worn down by both the humidity and the monotony of this work environment. I began to contemplate contacting recruiters for the military, again, as this small town and my blue collar life there were really starting to close in on me now.
By then, my husband and I were finally divorced, after going through the one year of legal separation which was required in North Carolina prior to that. Since I had moved into a little studio apartment in Hickory, North Carolina, when we were first separated, during that year, and for the year following, I had been running, first, Winders, and then, OMM machines, in a noisy, hot, textile plant, and felt worn down by both the humidity and the monotony of this work environment. I began to contemplate contacting recruiters for the military, again, as this small town and my blue collar life there were really starting to close in on me now.
I didn't think I was tough enough to be a Marine, back then, and I wasn't about to try talking to an Army recruiter again, after the fright I went through with that, before. So, that narrowed it down to either the Navy or the Air Force. (I wish I had been more aware of the Coast Guard, at the time, as I think that might have been a good match for me.) I talked to the Navy recruiter first, because as silly as it may sound, I really like the beach, and I felt that, in the Navy, I would be by the beach wherever I was stationed.
The handsome young recruiter began to date me instead of recruit me, though, which quickly became a problem. One weekend, he left his Trans Am with me, saying I should drive it while he had to go out of town for some recruiting event with the other recruiter in his local office; so I did. When he got back in town, he showed up at my place too drunk to drive his own car himself, though, and proceeded to throw up in my toilet. Then, as he leaned over it, trying to stay upright, he started sobbing, saying that I was such a nice girl, and that I deserved better than him, because he was 'a dog', and had actually gone away with his buddy and two WILD women, to the mountains, for the weekend, because I was too tame of a girl to be enough fun for him.
This bathroom confessional he was giving me left me feeling alot of things, but wanting to join the Navy, anymore, at that point, was not one of them. Why is it that women seem to bear the brunt of this "Boys will be boys" behavior? >sigh!< As I wondered to myself, whether a morally upright recruiter even existed, at all, for ANY branch of the service, it was down to ONE branch NOW, or NOTHING; the Air Force.
I made a point to go to the office, to talk to the Air Force recruiter. I was DONE having any of them come to my apartment! This one was a middle-aged man, who seemed nice, although they all had, at first, but who also openly talked about his wife and their happy family, which was both a plus and a relief, to me! Because he WAS an upstanding guy, who NEVER made a move on me, was always supportive, and decent, toward me, I ended up putting my trust in him.
I made a point to go to the office, to talk to the Air Force recruiter. I was DONE having any of them come to my apartment! This one was a middle-aged man, who seemed nice, although they all had, at first, but who also openly talked about his wife and their happy family, which was both a plus and a relief, to me! Because he WAS an upstanding guy, who NEVER made a move on me, was always supportive, and decent, toward me, I ended up putting my trust in him.
Feeling like he must represent the GENTLEMANLY branch of the service, then, I began to go through the recruitment process, finally. He drove me to Charlotte, to the Armed Forces Entrance and Examination Station (later called the Military Enlistment Processing Station), to take my initial Vocational Aptitude tests and go through a medical evaluation. However, I couldn't have passed either one, at the time, because first of all, I was unable to sleep due to the other recruits, where we were all housed locally overnight, staying up all night acting stupid, and likely due to severe stress from it all, I came down with a UTI and constantly felt I couldn't hold my urine. So, I called my recruiter and he had to drive back AGAIN from Hickory to Charlotte, late at night, to get me. He was not happy with me, at the time, from his being woken up, and our backtracking in the recruitment process as we were now; seeming at the time like he didn't believe me, which hurt.
So, feeling offended by his being offended, when I was telling the truth, I kept on working in the plant at that time, staying where I was, and feeling that the military just must not be in the cards for me, at all. Then, one day, as I was headed home after work, on my bicycle, he happened to be driving by and saw me. He pulled over to talk with me. I told him that I had medical paperwork from my doctor documenting that I HAD IN FACT come down with Acute Cystitis, which is a SUDDEN inflammation of the bladder, when I was in the recruiting process previously.
He apologized to me for letting his sleep deprivation, and long drive that night to come get me from the motel in Charlotte where the recruits were housed for the night, make him irritated with me. Both being sincere, decent people, we were able to get past it, then, and I went back--- healthy, this time--- and completed the recruitment process, officially joining the Air Force! In fact, my recruiter drove me down early the morning of the assessments, so that I didn't have to stay in the motel again.
I had honestly thought the day would NEVER come that I would actually end up in the military, given all the obstacles I had encountered along the way, every time I had tried to. Still, my recruiter had gotten to know me very well, as the person I am, and he said something to me that seemed strange to me, and even ominous, while we drove back to Hickory from Charlotte, after my enlistment was official. As we were talking, he seemed a bit anxious about my preparing to leave for Basic Training soon, and he suddenly said to me, "You know, Debby, I want you to remember, once you get there, if you don't like it--- how it is--- you CAN just tell them that you want OUT of it, and they will help you to LEAVE."
That was so oppositional to anything I was feeling, in my excitement about finally joining the service, and so cryptically confusing to me! It also caused me to feel, in my naivete at the time, that he didn't seem to have alot of faith in my making it in the military, which hurt, especially since he knew me so well by then, and knew what kind of person I was. He almost looked and sounded to me like a man that had somehow 'sold me out' instead of helped me achieve my dream, and was SORRY about that!
What I could not have understood, then, was that he truly didn't think that I would be able to make it in the military environment I was about to enter, but that was because he knew IT, AND he knew ME, as the young woman that I was. Because of all that, he could already foresee that the two were destined for a head on collision, and likely sooner than later. One that would be the fault of the culture I was about to enter, rather than my own, based on their own official standards of conduct, but would nevertheless cause me alot of grief, and add insult to the injury that would be done to me, by blaming me for it, as well. That 'writing on the wall', that I spoke of before, regarding my interactions with almost all of the recruiters I had talked with about enlistment in the service, was about to be seen everywhere that I would turn, once Basic Training was over. I would only be, and feel, protected from undue harm for a short time.
I kept all my official papers I was given, during my Air Force experience, so I still have this first one that I was ever handed: "The United States Air Force Recruiting Service is proud to announce to the whole wide world that Debbie Gray (my first married name) achieved qualifying scores on the Air Force Aptitude Test", dated 3 APR 79. It went on to record my "USAF REPORT CARD AFQT (mental) 91 MECHANICAL 30 (clearly NOT my STRONG suit!) ADMINISTRATIVE 95 GENERAL 90 ELECTRONIC 80".
I kept all my official papers I was given, during my Air Force experience, so I still have this first one that I was ever handed: "The United States Air Force Recruiting Service is proud to announce to the whole wide world that Debbie Gray (my first married name) achieved qualifying scores on the Air Force Aptitude Test", dated 3 APR 79. It went on to record my "USAF REPORT CARD AFQT (mental) 91 MECHANICAL 30 (clearly NOT my STRONG suit!) ADMINISTRATIVE 95 GENERAL 90 ELECTRONIC 80".
Some of the other parts of the process are more vague in my memory, now, but I very much recall the moment I took the oath. There was at least a couple of dozen of us recruits all doing that together, that day, with an officer at the front of the room leading us through the words, after having us raise our right hand, with me saying "I, Debby Gray, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic . . . ." As soon as we finished doing that, the officer who administered the oath came up to me, and only me, out of everyone, and looking right into my eyes, said to me, "I do this ceremony with recruits all the time, here, and I look at their faces as they are saying the words. Most of them have bored or blank looks on their faces, which is very discouraging and disappointing to me! But YOU really stood out, to me, today, because I could see on your face that these words, you were saying, REALLY MATTERED TO YOU. DON'T EVER LOSE THAT!" He was right; it DID mean alot to me. I took serving my country VERY seriously. I would have given my life for it! It definitely, and deeply, mattered to me.
I sold or gave away all my remaining personal belongings from my apartment, after I had packed my suitcase for Basic Training, as well as a footlocker which would rejoin me later, once I arrived at my first permanent duty station, which the military took care of shipping and storing for me until that time. I stayed in the guest room of a friend's house, my last night in Hickory. Early the next morning my recruiter drove me to Charlotte, where I would be experiencing my very first flight in a jet airplane! That seemed rather appropriate, for me to do, as a new member of the Air Force. I had never flown in a jet airplane before this, to even know what to normally expect from this experience.
I sold or gave away all my remaining personal belongings from my apartment, after I had packed my suitcase for Basic Training, as well as a footlocker which would rejoin me later, once I arrived at my first permanent duty station, which the military took care of shipping and storing for me until that time. I stayed in the guest room of a friend's house, my last night in Hickory. Early the next morning my recruiter drove me to Charlotte, where I would be experiencing my very first flight in a jet airplane! That seemed rather appropriate, for me to do, as a new member of the Air Force. I had never flown in a jet airplane before this, to even know what to normally expect from this experience.
At the Charlotte airport, I discovered
upon arriving there that the Air Force flew alot of its new recruits to
San Antonio, Texas, for Basic Training, using Standby seating on the
planes. So, I had to wait at the gate for quite awhile, until there was
finally an unclaimed, available, seat, for me. I remember feeling more than a bit nervous, while trying not to show as much of that as I felt, as I fastened my seat belt for takeoff. A seasoned passenger still noticed it, though, and let me know what to expect, as the plane started moving. The powerful force pressing against my abdomen as the jet took off was amazing to me!
Looking out the window, at what looked like a miniature world full of toy cars and buildings below me, I wondered what my new life would be like, which by comparison loomed so large, up ahead of me, in my imagination. Finally, I was facing a future that seemed exciting to me, full of promise and possibilities! I was about to enter, and live in, a whole new world. I had no idea, then, in that exhilarating moment, that while it's topside was shiny, and structured, and safe, its underbelly would be anything but that, for me, and would cast its huge, dark, shadow over me, and over my military service, for the duration of my time in the Air Force, and even beyond.
I would be left with a deep sadness, and sense of shame, from my experiences in the military. Even while not knowing what else I could have done, to effectively deal with it, at the time, I still blame myself, to this day, for my not knowing how to handle it better than I did, then. In various ways, all of this was going to haunt me, and to hurt me, for the rest of my life.
I didn't arrive at the base until the wee hours of the night. Between my extreme tiredness by then, from the long day which was filled with all new experiences, and the enveloping darkness upon my arrival, it all felt strangely surreal to me, almost like I was having some kind of a dream, as I stepped from the shuttle bus which had collected me along with some others from the airport there and transported us to Lackland Air Force Base. I only vaguely remember being taken to the barracks, along with other recruits, which looked like a large, open dorm room, lined down two entire, opposing, walls with tall, metal lockers, and filled with two corresponding rows of precisely placed metal beds that were each made up with thin sheets and a taut, olive green, wool blanket. Apparently recruits for this group had been trickling in, from all over the country, throughout the day and night, as more continued to arrive even later than I had, while some were there before me, until there ended up being a total of about 50 women, altogether. This group of us was my female Flight in the 3707th Basic Military Training Squadron. [This You Tube video, "USAF BMTS 1980s", is from this exact era, and shows how life was for us, at Lackland, for those 6 weeks that we were there, back then: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vbO25hjEkY ]
I loved Basic Training! My Training Instructor while I was there was a Staff Sergeant, who was the current 'Miss Lackland', in their base pageant. She was tough, but fair, and always helpful. The girls in the Flight were as varied as you can imagine, and some adjusted to this new life better than others. I recall one girl, named Julie, who would literally climb inside of her locker after Lights Out, on many nights, to sob uncontrollably, which did nothing to muffle this heartbreaking noise, as the rest of us all lay in our beds, in the stillness except for that sound, patiently waiting for her to get it out of her system, and quiet down, so we could all get some sleep.
I didn't arrive at the base until the wee hours of the night. Between my extreme tiredness by then, from the long day which was filled with all new experiences, and the enveloping darkness upon my arrival, it all felt strangely surreal to me, almost like I was having some kind of a dream, as I stepped from the shuttle bus which had collected me along with some others from the airport there and transported us to Lackland Air Force Base. I only vaguely remember being taken to the barracks, along with other recruits, which looked like a large, open dorm room, lined down two entire, opposing, walls with tall, metal lockers, and filled with two corresponding rows of precisely placed metal beds that were each made up with thin sheets and a taut, olive green, wool blanket. Apparently recruits for this group had been trickling in, from all over the country, throughout the day and night, as more continued to arrive even later than I had, while some were there before me, until there ended up being a total of about 50 women, altogether. This group of us was my female Flight in the 3707th Basic Military Training Squadron. [This You Tube video, "USAF BMTS 1980s", is from this exact era, and shows how life was for us, at Lackland, for those 6 weeks that we were there, back then: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vbO25hjEkY ]
I loved Basic Training! My Training Instructor while I was there was a Staff Sergeant, who was the current 'Miss Lackland', in their base pageant. She was tough, but fair, and always helpful. The girls in the Flight were as varied as you can imagine, and some adjusted to this new life better than others. I recall one girl, named Julie, who would literally climb inside of her locker after Lights Out, on many nights, to sob uncontrollably, which did nothing to muffle this heartbreaking noise, as the rest of us all lay in our beds, in the stillness except for that sound, patiently waiting for her to get it out of her system, and quiet down, so we could all get some sleep.
I was one that did well, with this new lifestyle! I thrived on the challenges that were thrown at us as a group, as well as those directed at me, personally, along the way, in order to test my resolve and my initiative. Some I did better with than others, of these things. I did not make Marksman, at the shooting range, during training on the M-16 rifle, but I helped the girl beside me earn that distinction, and ribbon for it, by inadvertently plugging her target with my ammo. LOL I did just fine on the Obstacle Course, which was fun, to me, although I got the giggles about halfway up one of the larger ones, helplessly swinging from it, high up in the air, then, like some monkey, as my TI told me to get it together and move on through the Course (while she was smiling about it, with me, herself!). I had trouble with the snappy, slick, About Face, move, with my feet, and once the TI came and untangled me when I got it really wrong, pulling my feet into proper position while I stood in line at attention with the rest of my Flight. There was pretty much NO AVOIDING some 'personal instruction' at some point during Basic Training.
The fatigue uniforms shrank in the dryer, over time, and my TI once told me, as I stood at attention in the breakfast line one morning, that my pants were now too short, to be 35-10 appearance acceptable. I went on through the line, quickly ate the meal which I needed, to strengthen me for the day's activities, then headed back to the barracks, using my sewing skills, and another girl's iron from home, to re-hem and then press my pant legs, all in the span of about a half hour. When my TI next sat eyes on me, she looked down at my pants length again, and her face looked shocked to see that I was now back in compliance with the military dress regulation. That impressed her! She wasn't too happy when I had to sit out the big Parade march, though, unable to participate with the rest of my Flight, due to a very severe shin splint I had developed during Physical Training exercise on the hard tarmac where we did that each day. (I gained 12 pounds, of muscle, from the Training Program!)
However, everything else I did, while in Basic, so impressed her, that she recommended me for "The Honor Graduate Ribbon FOR DEMONSTRATED EXCELLENCE IN ALL PHASES OF BASIC MILITARY AND ACADEMIC TRAINING", which I received on February 6, 1980, along with the Certificate for that award, which I have to this day. I was especially proud of that achievement because of my TI telling me that, of the 100 women between our Flight and our Sister Flight, I was THE ONLY ONE awarded this ribbon, which I always wore on my dress blues during my service!
Right before I was to leave Lackland, for my Tech School, I went to watch my TI crown her successor in the 'Miss Lackland' pageant, one evening. Then I went to check out the Airmen's Club there, doing some dancing, in my military uniform and polished low quarter shoes, to songs from Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall" album which was hugely popular at the time; incorporating some of my new military moves into it. (I eventually mastered About Face!) I was thriving, and I was thrilled, with my new life in the Air Force. If it had stayed the way it was, which I thought that it would, at the time, with this type of professional, supportive, atmosphere and comradery, I feel certain that I could have, and likely would have, enjoyed that 20-year career I had wanted when I joined. But, tragically for me, THAT was NOT to BE . . . .
For every choice that we make, or that is made for us, by others, the course of our lives is then set toward going a certain way, while closing off other paths to us. No matter what that choice is, there are almost always unknown consequences with it, which also affect our destiny. Not being omniscient beings, we simply cannot foresee what those things will be, at the time these decisions are being made. My career choices, whether my own or someone else's who outranked me, would each contribute directly to bringing about the circumstances that would ultimately bring my time in the Air Force to an end, despite the fact that this didn't seem to be the real intention of any of us involved in these decisions about me; until the very last choice, which was made by me. This was mostly a case of 'the pathway to Hell is paved with good intentions'. >sigh!<
For every choice that we make, or that is made for us, by others, the course of our lives is then set toward going a certain way, while closing off other paths to us. No matter what that choice is, there are almost always unknown consequences with it, which also affect our destiny. Not being omniscient beings, we simply cannot foresee what those things will be, at the time these decisions are being made. My career choices, whether my own or someone else's who outranked me, would each contribute directly to bringing about the circumstances that would ultimately bring my time in the Air Force to an end, despite the fact that this didn't seem to be the real intention of any of us involved in these decisions about me; until the very last choice, which was made by me. This was mostly a case of 'the pathway to Hell is paved with good intentions'. >sigh!<
My career, and my life, would have turned out so differently, if I had made better choices. Only I just didn't KNOW what was 'better', at the time these decisions were made! Even if I had chosen something other than I did, I will never know, now, whether the outcome would have ultimately been any different, for me, given the pervasiveness of the problems which I encountered in the military. What it all comes down to, then, is simply that IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Due to further aptitude testing, while I was in Basic Training, it was discovered that I have a natural aptitude for learning languages. Because of that, I was offered the chance to go to one of the most prestigious Tech Schools, in Monterey, California, to become a linguist, for my Air Force job! Although that was extremely appealing to me, I turned it down, because I was told that, in order to ultimately pass the course and qualify for the career in this AFSC, I would also have to parachute out of an airplane, and eat insects, worms, and such, to pass the Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape Training, since many of these language translators work from our spy planes, basically, which can potentially be shot down in or near enemy territory. Having a hair trigger gag reflex, unable to even eat spaghetti because of that, I felt sure that I wouldn't ever be able to do that part of it, so I declined the opportunity.
Because of that, I was assigned, and bused, to a Tech School at Keesler Air Force Base, in Biloxi, Mississippi, in Radio Relay (which a student in the program also told me was nicknamed 'Ditty Bop'). I received my further orders for this AFSC very early on, before my school was even scheduled to start. These orders said I was to report to Tinker Air Force Base, in Oklahoma, where I would be working with a Remote Unit. This would be one that would be sent to some very isolated areas at times, with the personnel involved basically camping out together in tents and such, during that. The emotional impact of that on me would be extremely difficult, because of placing me primarily with males in often remote locations, as I understood it, and the fact that I was already a rape victim, causing me to feel extremely anxious and vulnerable about the prospect of my working in this career field.
Because of that, I was assigned, and bused, to a Tech School at Keesler Air Force Base, in Biloxi, Mississippi, in Radio Relay (which a student in the program also told me was nicknamed 'Ditty Bop'). I received my further orders for this AFSC very early on, before my school was even scheduled to start. These orders said I was to report to Tinker Air Force Base, in Oklahoma, where I would be working with a Remote Unit. This would be one that would be sent to some very isolated areas at times, with the personnel involved basically camping out together in tents and such, during that. The emotional impact of that on me would be extremely difficult, because of placing me primarily with males in often remote locations, as I understood it, and the fact that I was already a rape victim, causing me to feel extremely anxious and vulnerable about the prospect of my working in this career field.
We had been taught in Basic to see a chaplain for any type of personal
issues that weighed upon us; that they were there for us, to be supportive, and a
caring ear for our concerns. So, I decided to do that, regarding this situation. It was late February, then, as I sat waiting for the base shuttle bus, and I was wearing my blue military top coat, when a completely unknown, young, enlisted male walked right up to me, grabbed and lifted up my coat, and peered intently underneath it, directly at my crotch. He then said to me, as I sat there stunned by his inappropriate act of familiarity with a woman he didn't know at all, "What do you HAVE under there?" As he grinned at me, waiting for my response, all I could do was stare at him and think to myself, 'THIS was his relational STARTING POINT, with me?!?'
I had just come out of the much more sexually segregated military experience of Basic Training, and this moment was to be my FIRST SHOCK of how OUT OF LINE the behaviors, toward me, by male military members, would be. Since I happened to be on my way, at that very moment, to talk to a chaplain, about my orders to the Remote Unit for Radio Relay causing me anxiety, for similar reasons, and my needing more boundaries with men, I mentioned this incident to him, as well, as a case in point, while at the base chapel. All I had really wanted or expected from this chaplain was some reassurance about the situation I was facing. That isn't what I got, from him, though, with this day now becoming the first, of many, that I began to lose my naivete regarding the way I had been taught that things were supposed to be, versus how they actually were, in the Air Force.
Unbeknown to me, until after the fact, the chaplain had called my commander, at the 3411 Technical Training Squadron, after my talk with him about my career concerns. Perhaps it wasn't unusual that I was not directly included, in their discussion, or in the decision, about my future. I was, now, although still a human being, perceived as being the property of the United States Government, due to my enlisting in the military. Bottom line, that gave the Air Force the majority vote, at all times, as to what to do with, or about, me, even though it was still my life.
Unbeknown to me, until after the fact, the chaplain had called my commander, at the 3411 Technical Training Squadron, after my talk with him about my career concerns. Perhaps it wasn't unusual that I was not directly included, in their discussion, or in the decision, about my future. I was, now, although still a human being, perceived as being the property of the United States Government, due to my enlisting in the military. Bottom line, that gave the Air Force the majority vote, at all times, as to what to do with, or about, me, even though it was still my life.
Since I was already on AFI duty, while waiting for the start of my Tech School, nothing had seemed to be different about that, in any way, following my chat with the chaplain, that would alert me to the serious situation going on behind the scenes now, regarding me. While some of the details were never disclosed to me, for me to be able to share them here, now, eventually I was called into the commander's office, at the end of one of my AFI shifts working as CQ, in which I fulfilled the receptionist duties at the front desk of the 3411th Training Squadron, just outside where he was. Both he and the First Sergeant, a really great guy named Kenneth Niblick, whom I had gotten to know fairly well while I was there at Keesler, were in the room as I reported to him.
My commander began to tell me that 'the Air Force' had wanted to, and pursued, discharging me, because of my issues from being raped before, and such. That's when I found out that the chaplain hadn't kept my concerns confidential, between us, as his greater obligation was to the Air Force at large. I was devastated, hearing this, as I was still very happy with my military life, up to this point, despite my misgivings about my future duties as part of the Remote Unit, which I had thought still loomed ahead in my future. I was also in shock, as he explained all this to me, because THIS was the FIRST that I was even hearing of any of this, that had been going on behind the scenes without my even knowing about it, up until this moment. I felt tears in my eyes as I responded, to their questioning me about it, that I truly loved being there, and I didn't want to be separated from the service! They told me that they were going to fight for me to stay in; that they had been observing me, and agreed that I seemed quite happy and well-adjusted in my military life; and that I did have an exemplary record, after all, including the ribbon that I wore on my blues uniform for Honor Graduate.
In the weeks that followed, I had that awful feeling of my holding something special, even sacred, to me, with an open hand, knowing that it could suddenly and simply be gone, any time now. My boyfriend at the time, whom I describe in depth in my Blog post titled "The One Man That I Would Love Forever", was still very supportive, and comforting, at this time. I don't think that I could have handled all the acute stress I felt from dealing with the possibility of discharge from the Air Force at the same time as my relationship with him began to disintegrate. At this point, though, he was still in the initial mode of trying to win my heart, by sweetly showing me that he really cared about me, and wanted to impress me, as his love interest. I was so grateful that he was in my life, then; in that way!
In the weeks that followed, I had that awful feeling of my holding something special, even sacred, to me, with an open hand, knowing that it could suddenly and simply be gone, any time now. My boyfriend at the time, whom I describe in depth in my Blog post titled "The One Man That I Would Love Forever", was still very supportive, and comforting, at this time. I don't think that I could have handled all the acute stress I felt from dealing with the possibility of discharge from the Air Force at the same time as my relationship with him began to disintegrate. At this point, though, he was still in the initial mode of trying to win my heart, by sweetly showing me that he really cared about me, and wanted to impress me, as his love interest. I was so grateful that he was in my life, then; in that way!
As I held my breath, awaiting the decision about my future, by the powers that be, I kept hoping for the best, which for me was to be able to stay in and serve. I knew that whatever would be decided about my military career was ultimately out of my hands now. Then, one day, my commander told me to report to him, once again. When I did, I was told that I was being retained by the Air Force! I WAS OVERJOYED! There is no way to describe what it meant to me, but the fact that I just teared up, FOUR DECADES LATER, as I typed those words here, gives you some idea!
He explained that I was being sent to a different Tech School, for 70230C AFSC, Unit/Orderly Room Administrative Assistant, which was also there at Keesler. He said that they were not even going to transfer me to the School Squadron for the students of that particular job specialty, because I had become such a part of the 3411 'family', to them there, and this school was only going to be a 6 week long course, versus the much longer one that their Radio Relay students at the 3411th were in. He said that I would be able to march to class in formation with all of them, since they were taught in the same building on base.
I literally am sitting here starting to cry, describing how much this meant to me! There are no words . . . . It was EVERYTHING to me, for me to be given this opportunity to stay in! I graduated from this course as the top student in my class. The certificate I received for that reads: "THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE Certifies that AMN DEBORAH G. R. GRAY . . . has successfully completed the . . . ADMINISTRATION SPECIALIST (UNIT/ORDERLY ROOM) COURSE . . . Conducted by the USAF Technical Training School, Keesler AFB, Mississippi . . . 2 July 1980." Right after my graduation from Tech School, I was flown to my assigned permanent duty station, at Offutt Air Force Base.
I hadn't traveled to a base, or really done anything else in the military, by myself, since the recruiter had dropped me off at the Charlotte airport when I was headed to Basic Training, just over 6 months ago. Because of the intensity of the experience I was having, with my transitioning from civilian to military life, it seemed like a much longer timespan than that! The Air Force had felt very welcoming, and supportive, during Basic Training, even though that had also been the most rigid and militaristic phase of it. While I was at Keesler, for my Tech School, I was personally valued and protected there, as well, by the people that were over, and around, me, within the 3411th squadron. Arriving at my actual duty station, now, I was both shocked and dismayed to discover-- right from the outset-- that I was not ever going to experience, or feel, those very important, inclusive, things again, while I remained in the Air Force.
I hadn't traveled to a base, or really done anything else in the military, by myself, since the recruiter had dropped me off at the Charlotte airport when I was headed to Basic Training, just over 6 months ago. Because of the intensity of the experience I was having, with my transitioning from civilian to military life, it seemed like a much longer timespan than that! The Air Force had felt very welcoming, and supportive, during Basic Training, even though that had also been the most rigid and militaristic phase of it. While I was at Keesler, for my Tech School, I was personally valued and protected there, as well, by the people that were over, and around, me, within the 3411th squadron. Arriving at my actual duty station, now, I was both shocked and dismayed to discover-- right from the outset-- that I was not ever going to experience, or feel, those very important, inclusive, things again, while I remained in the Air Force.
I arrived at the base over the holiday weekend. Very few people were around at all, either in the barracks (called Dorm 324) or around the base itself. I suddenly felt isolated, and lonely. Since the chow hall in my dorm didn't seem to be open over the weekend, I decided to go explore the base, and in the process try to find something to eat, as I was feeling pretty hungry by this next morning after my arrival there. Leaving the dorm, I saw one lone man outside, and asked him if there was anywhere nearby, on base, that would be open for me to buy some food, as I had just arrived and had no idea where anything was on this base! He directed me to walk all the way around the flight line to the main part of the base, saying there was nothing on this side of the base at all.
It was a long walk, on a hot day, for me, and I was feeling weak, by the time I got to the other side, when he came driving up to me, just as I had finally reached there, now telling me that there was actually a base convenience store very near my dorm which he had 'neglected' to tell me about; but that if I just got into his car, he could take me there. Something about the way that he was acting about it seemed manipulative and unsafe, to me, so I declined. With no one around all weekend, to be any kind of real 'Welcome Committee' to me, upon my arrival, except this guy trying his best to get me into his car, it already didn't feel like it had, to me, at the previous 2 bases. I wasn't prepared for how I was about to feel here, for what would end up being my entire time at Offutt Air Force Base. It was going to feel very discouraging, and even dangerous, to me, here; and the comradery that I had so enjoyed, up until I arrived at this base, where it disappeared, would not ever exist for me again. It was the equivalent of depriving my military life of the very oxygen that it needed to survive.
When the weekend was over, I located the 3428th Technical Training Squadron, where I was now assigned, and reported, with my orders in hand, to the unit commander there, Lieutenant Colonel Noon. I immediately discovered that my arriving there was a problem. This was a high security, vault unit, and I was not even allowed in there, for any length of time, without compromising their ability to perform their mission in an unrestricted way! Also, the necessary security background check, for me to be cleared to work there, was not expected to be completed until about a year later!
Colonel Noon explained to me that they couldn't even let me in there at all, including this time, without first taking extra steps to secure the unit, including turning on some red warning lights, above the entry door and throughout the unit, to indicate to everyone in there that their regular activities must now be curtailed, or cease altogether, for the duration of my presence in there. As I stood at attention, before him, hearing all this, I was bewildered as to why, then, I was given my orders to report to work there?!? I had no idea what I was supposed to do, now.
Colonel Noon was a very affable man, and he certainly empathized with me, especially as it left both of us with a protracted problem, which needed to be solved. He introduced me to Sergeant Trejo, who was to be my supervisor in the Orderly Room, of this unit, whenever I would be cleared to work there. They told me that they would have to find me some temporary assignments, to do on base, for now, up until my security clearance came through. They arranged for me to report to the base PDO, to update and reorganize their files. Because I was an efficient and hard worker, that didn't take me very long to complete, upon which time I reported back to Colonel Noon. Sergeant Trejo said that he was going to find a long-term temporary assignment for me, and one in which I could actually begin working in an Orderly Room, so that I could develop those specific skills needed for my actual AFSC.
In the meantime, Colonel Noon had received a Letter of Appreciation about me, from Lieutenant Colonel Beyer, dated 20 AUG 1980, providing me with a copy, which read "Airman Deborah Gray, assigned to your organization, worked temporarily in the Publications Distribution Office (PDO) while awaiting a security clearance. Although new to the Air Force, she grasped instructions quite quickly and completed several tasks which improved the efficiency of the Office. She showed a sincere sense of motivation and initiative and should prove to be a valuable asset to the Air Force. Please pass on my thanks for a job well done." Colonel Noon added a handwritten note, to me, on the bottom of my copy, saying "Deborah - You did good, already bring credit to yourself and the organization. Keep up the good work and add my thanks."
Colonel Noon took time to get to know me some, along the way, while I was at Offutt and remained officially assigned to his unit for my entire time on the base. This was a very generous gesture, by him, considering that the unit was always Red Lighted for as long as I was in there, every one of these times that I reported to him, and we talked together. He provided me with copies of letters which had been sent to him for my file, enthusiastically telling me that I was off to a fine start with my Air Force career. One letter, dated 6 Feb 80, said, in part, "You have been selected as an Honor Graduate of the Air Force Basic Military Training School. The ribbon and certificate you will receive are given in recognition of your demonstrated excellence in all phases of Basic Military and Academic Training. Wear the ribbon proudly for a job well done. This award is not an end . . . but the beginning . . . . In being selected for this distinctive honor, you have been identified as possessing leadership potential. . . . I am proud of you . . . . Set your cap for an Air Force career . . . with the fine start you've made the sky is the limit. [Colonel Paul, Commander]"
Colonel Noon took time to get to know me some, along the way, while I was at Offutt and remained officially assigned to his unit for my entire time on the base. This was a very generous gesture, by him, considering that the unit was always Red Lighted for as long as I was in there, every one of these times that I reported to him, and we talked together. He provided me with copies of letters which had been sent to him for my file, enthusiastically telling me that I was off to a fine start with my Air Force career. One letter, dated 6 Feb 80, said, in part, "You have been selected as an Honor Graduate of the Air Force Basic Military Training School. The ribbon and certificate you will receive are given in recognition of your demonstrated excellence in all phases of Basic Military and Academic Training. Wear the ribbon proudly for a job well done. This award is not an end . . . but the beginning . . . . In being selected for this distinctive honor, you have been identified as possessing leadership potential. . . . I am proud of you . . . . Set your cap for an Air Force career . . . with the fine start you've made the sky is the limit. [Colonel Paul, Commander]"
The other letter, dated 18 JUL 1980, was to Colonel Noon, about me, and said "AB Deborah Gray, a member of your unit, recently achieved the distinction of Honor Graduate in course E3ABR70230C. To receive this honor, AB Gray had to maintain a course average of 93 percent or better . . . . This accomplishment is attained by less than 10 percent of our graduates. AB Gray's excellence is especially noteworthy in view of the demanding curriculum and extensive individual effort required in and out of the classroom. . . ." [Captain Sullivan, 3400 Technical Training Group] Colonel Noon had also added a brief, typed, indorsement on this second letter he had received about me, on 23 July 1980, which said "Deborah, I am very pleased to add my congratulations to this letter. I am looking forward to having you and your exuberant and willing attitude join and add to our organization. Again, congratulations, you have made a great start."
It was a different story, for me, dealing with Sergeant Trejo, though. He was never supportive, or even nice, to me. When he was in Colonel Noon's presence, with me, he acted courteous toward me, but all the other times we interacted, which was most of those that we did, he made it very clear to me, by what he said outright and how he treated me, that 'women should not be in HIS Air Force'. He didn't approve of it, for whatever reason; he didn't like it; and because of that he made a point to act annoyed and even disgusted every time he dealt with me.
Wanting to get me off his hands, for as long as possible, after our commander told him to find me temporary work on base, he arranged for me to work, long term, in the Orderly Room of 1ACOMM. He said that he had previously worked there, and that those working there were all his friends. After he had me report there, I rarely heard anything more from him. He had simply found a way to get what he only saw as 'the problem of' me off his hands.
I never spoke to Colonel Noon about the many hostile comments and behaviors toward me, by Sergeant Trejo. Colonel Noon was not a phone call kind of commander. Being very caring and personable, he always preferred talking face to face. Knowing this, and that it greatly hindered the function of the unit, whenever I was over there (which was also completely across the base from where 1ACOMM was located), I never put him to the trouble of my coming to see him about any of this. I also felt sure that, if I had done so, it would do nothing at all to change Master Sergeant Trejo's opinion that, if he had his way, he would drum every woman out of 'his' Air Force, entirely.
Also, if I told Colonel Noon how he treated me so differently, out of his view, I feared I either wouldn't be believed, or that Sergeant Trejo would be in trouble with our commander, for it, then, and he was supposed to eventually be my direct supervisor. So, I didn't think that it was a good option for me to say anything. I just took what felt like his bullying me, and I stuffed it down inside me while I tried to cope with that and the other things that were happening to me on this base, which were all beginning to cause me very high levels of stress. As time went on, I came to feel completely demoralized, and very alone. I felt as if I had no Chain of Command, to turn to.
There were problems in the dorm, from the very start, which affected everything about my home life, 24/7. I wasn't allowed to live off base, until I made a higher rank than E2, which I was now, after being in for 6 months. Dorm 324 was a coed dorm, with very long hallways, and doors that were unlocked, between the two sides. The women's bathroom had only a very large, open shower to bathe in, much like the communal ones we had all bathed in together at Basic Training. When I would go to take my shower, I would often have to go back to my room and wait, because some female airman was showering, or more, with her boyfriend, in there! I would be about to enter a toilet stall, and a male would be exiting the one beside me, as he was over there to spend time with his girlfriend.
There were problems in the dorm, from the very start, which affected everything about my home life, 24/7. I wasn't allowed to live off base, until I made a higher rank than E2, which I was now, after being in for 6 months. Dorm 324 was a coed dorm, with very long hallways, and doors that were unlocked, between the two sides. The women's bathroom had only a very large, open shower to bathe in, much like the communal ones we had all bathed in together at Basic Training. When I would go to take my shower, I would often have to go back to my room and wait, because some female airman was showering, or more, with her boyfriend, in there! I would be about to enter a toilet stall, and a male would be exiting the one beside me, as he was over there to spend time with his girlfriend.
There was already almost no privacy, with just us women in the dorm setting, but with the men added to this situation, I was never assured of that being available to me AT ALL. My original roommate had a fiancée that she invited into our room continually. It almost felt as if he lived there! She had been there longer than I had, and she had more stripes of rank than me, so when I did say something to her, about my needing privacy in my own room, she quickly got a real attitude toward me, and pretty much ignored my feelings or concerns. As a result, since I didn't feel comfortable in there, undressing or trying to sleep with them making out and carrying on together, I often sat in a chair in the Day Room, trying to get some kind of rest.
At one point, I had become ill, due to being worn down physically and emotionally, from all of the things that I was going through, on this base, and I ended up with fever, chills, and total laryngitis. Security came through, late one night, and saw me half-lying in a chair, covered by my blanket, shivering and sick, hopelessly trying to sleep in that uncomfortable position. They sternly challenged me, as to why I was not in my own room sleeping, as I SHOULD be. I had no voice to even respond, so they handed me a small notepad, and I wrote out for them what was going on. They seemed outraged by it, on my behalf. Finally! Some one who CARED about something I was going through on this base! They asked me my unit, and look confused when I wrote out that I really didn't HAVE one. When they finally understood that situation, they told me they were going to contact the vault unit commander, where I had my official orders, despite not being able to work there at all, and that this WOULD BE RESOLVED!
Nothing ever came of that, though, and I could only surmise that they had actually reached Sergeant Trejo, instead, who was my supervisor, officially, and that he just didn't care. Either that, or else they hadn't followed through with it, themselves. I don't believe Colonel Noon would have ever ignored this situation I was in. I already explained here why I hesitated to speak with him directly, but also, at one point early on, Sergeant Trejo told me he didn't want me to impose on Colonel Noon's graciousness toward me, anymore, and that I was to contact HIM, instead, about any concerns or needs that I had, from now on. That effectively left me with NOWHERE to turn, since he made it CRYSTAL CLEAR to me that he wouldn't even HAVE me IN 'his' Air Force AT ALL, if he had any CHOICE about it! He was simply NEVER THERE FOR ME, due to his sexist hostility.
I changed rooms, at one point, and had a great roommate then, until she moved out because she had enough rank to. I was then given a new roommate, who also brought her boyfriend in to have sex in our room. Worse still, I would enter the room, to TRY to go to bed, but just leave again, after I saw them lying across the top of MY bed, having intercourse. It was disgusting and distressing, to me! I had previously spoken with this roommate of mine about it, who DIDN'T outrank me, but my feelings about it were simply ignored. When I brought it up to those in charge of the women's side of the dorm, they reacted indifferently about it, as if I were just being too uptight, while letting me know that they could never realistically stop it from going on. There was NOWHERE TO TURN regarding this RAMPANT dorm culture!
This next thing, about this, is actually funny, but it also demonstrates how I COULD RUN, BUT NOT HIDE, from this prevalent problem in the dorm: In desperation, I knocked on the door of another girl's room, late one night, after walking in on my current roommate having sex, yet again, across MY bed; seeking SOME place to get a good night's SLEEP, for a change! When I knocked, this girl I was friends with told me to come in, and I apologized for the late hour, as she was obviously already in bed, in her pitch-dark room. I asked if I could sleep in her spare bed, since she didn't have a roommate for the moment, and she said I could. So, I lay down there, but before going to sleep, was complaining to her about my roommate ALWAYS having her boyfriend in our room! She listened quietly to me, not saying a word. Suddenly, from the darkness, came a male voice from over in HER bed! I suddenly realized that HER OWN BOYFRIEND was in the room with US! GEEZ! Was I the ONLY girl in this entire dorm that was NOT HAVING SEX with anybody? It sure seemed that way, both to me and to others.
I usually ate at the chow hall in our dorm, which was open on weekdays, because the others were over on the other side of the base. I also started dreading going in there, though. As a fairly attractive female, in an extremely male-dominated environment, I seemed to almost always be an object of the attention and attraction of various men on base, and I became 'a sitting target' for this while I was in there trying to eat. Although I suppose it was a compliment, in some ways, it was also overwhelming to me, because it felt like a constant pressure on me, which was added to all the other pressures that I was having to deal with at Offutt.
I usually ate at the chow hall in our dorm, which was open on weekdays, because the others were over on the other side of the base. I also started dreading going in there, though. As a fairly attractive female, in an extremely male-dominated environment, I seemed to almost always be an object of the attention and attraction of various men on base, and I became 'a sitting target' for this while I was in there trying to eat. Although I suppose it was a compliment, in some ways, it was also overwhelming to me, because it felt like a constant pressure on me, which was added to all the other pressures that I was having to deal with at Offutt.
Overall, things just really weren't going very well for me, now that I was stationed here, and I was already very distressed, about that. The sheer volume and intensity of male attention shown toward me seemed stifling, now, though! I began trying to eat my meals as fast as I could, and then escape to my dorm room, hoping that I wouldn't encounter another man, in there, with the various roommates I had while there. It was a relief when for a time I actually had a room to myself, without a roommate and her boyfriend(s) in tow, for awhile! I enjoyed the quiet, and the sleep, and listening to songs on the radio by Air Supply, Olivia Newton-John, Michael Jackson, Queen, and other popular groups of that time. Several of the songs, then, sounded wistful, and sad, and more and more they seemed to be the ones that matched what I was feeling now, inside.
Ironically, since I had turned down the training in Monterey, myself, the men who lived in the dorm that were linguists, for the 6949th Electronic Security Squadron, seemed to be the ones that I ended up dating. I never got sexually involved with any man while I was at Offutt, and only the one, back in Biloxi, the entire time I was in the Air Force. But these men, in this squadron, were the ones that tried to romance me, even pursue me for a potential mate for marriage. While I appreciated them, and their friendship, in my life, and even them teaching me all the dirty words in the foreign languages they were taught in their training, I had no heart for love, or sex, or another heartbreaking involvement with a man. I was, deep down, still completely in love with Jim, who was still in school at Keesler, and whom I never heard from. It took all I had to be able to cope with the pain of that relationship; I knew I didn't need to add another one, to complicate my life and potentially break my heart as well.
Things just never came together, with any of these men, despite their persistent attempts to open my heart (or legs) to that. In fact, they ended up so disillusioning me that they only made me more averse to a romantic relationship. For instance, because one man did everything in his power to PROVE that HE loved ME, and wanted me to TRUST him, he eventually caused me to feel that I might POSSIBLY have misjudged him, lumping him in with 'men in general', and my poor opinion of them which I had developed from all their crap. I was VERY WARY of this type of charm from a man, after Jim worked it on me, at Keesler, and had badly broken my heart from that.
Wanting to tell Frank, to his face, that I was BEGINNING to BELIEVE him, about how he ONLY wanted and CARED ABOUT ME, I went to his room on the other side of the dorm, one morning. It was important for me to tell him in person, because even considering opening up my heart, again, to another man, after Jim had broken it in Biloxi, was a really BIG deal, and something very SPECIAL, to me. When I got there, I stood staring in shock! His door was fully OPEN, and HE was in BED, with a woman; NAKED and giggling together! He saw me standing there, just as I turned to flee, and called out to me, but there was NOTHING he COULD have SAID, to me, at that point.
I began to distrust anything and everything that men were telling me, after that, and just when I thought it couldn't GET any worse, I found out WHY there had been such FOCUSED attention on me, to where I hated to even go and eat in the chow hall, anymore. A guy that remained a friend, to me, and had some conservative values, finally told me what was actually going on. As girls arrived on base, to live in this coed dorm, they were noticed, and pursued, as 'fresh pussy'. Guys that 'had' these girls would then joke with each other, about such Male Ego subjects as WHO HAD HER FIRST, and WHO HAD HER MOST, etc. Sometimes, they even complained to one another that the girl's vagina smelled so bad, from her screwing all the different guys in the dorm that were coming on to her like it was some newfound sexual smorgasbord, that they held their breath while they 'humped' her!
I was literally sickened, hearing about any of this, but it got worse still: Over time, the guys in the dorm, in comparing notes on who 'scored' who, realized that NO ONE HAD BEEN ABLE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AT ALL! As it came to their attention that it seemed that I COULDN'T BE HAD, they took this as EVEN MORE OF A CHALLENGE than usual, and actually STARTED A BETTING POOL, about it, with the 'prize money' going to whichever of them would finally get me to have sex with them. This guy, telling me this, was only now telling me because no one had been able to collect that money, and they finally realized that apparently NO ONE WOULD be getting me OR THAT BET. He said he hadn't told me before because ALL the guys were IN on it, and if I had found out about it, they would have GANGED UP ON HIM, upset that he told me. I couldn't bring myself to BELIEVE anything this nasty and gross, so I went to other guys I knew and confronted them about what I had heard was going on, and THEY CONFIRMED IT. To say that I began to feel then that men can be dogs would be insulting to DOGS! Could I EVER trust ANY man, again, after all this? I became so shut down that I began to spend my time alone as much as possible.
This wasn't even the worst of it, for me, from the men on this base, although that was the most nauseating. This wasn't even the male behavior that would bring down my Air Force career, when I would finally feel forced to confront it. That distinction belongs solely to my commander at 1ACOMM, a married first lieutenant. Sergeant Trejo had told me that I was not to mess up my assignment, he got for me, to work in their Orderly Room there until my clearance to work in my own unit was completed, reminding me that these were former co-workers of his, and his personal friends.
This wasn't even the worst of it, for me, from the men on this base, although that was the most nauseating. This wasn't even the male behavior that would bring down my Air Force career, when I would finally feel forced to confront it. That distinction belongs solely to my commander at 1ACOMM, a married first lieutenant. Sergeant Trejo had told me that I was not to mess up my assignment, he got for me, to work in their Orderly Room there until my clearance to work in my own unit was completed, reminding me that these were former co-workers of his, and his personal friends.
There were several other people working in this room, with me, and ALL of them smoked. There was a constant cloud of cigarette smoke hanging thickly in the air. Back then, there weren't studies out, about the toxic dangers of secondhand smoke, or any nonsmoking regulations in place, for offices such as this, on base. Normally healthy, I started to constantly get sore throats, and stomach aches, and laryngitis-like symptoms, but at the time I didn't equate any of that with my working 8 - 5, Monday through Friday, in the constant haze of this cigarette smoke. When the doctor at the base hospital, looking for reasons that I was suddenly sick much of the time, found out about the smoke, he sent a communication that there should be no smoking allowed, in this Orderly Room, due to my health issues from it.
That did nothing but make my smoking co-workers there upset at me, and being drug addicts, to the nicotine, they never really implemented it. Once the doctor told me that this was the cause of my constantly feeling unwell and being run down, as a result of my body trying to fight off that toxic irritation all the time, and seeing that it was never going to cease, there, I felt anxious and sad as I stood on the front steps, each workday, before going in, trying to breathe the last fresh air for awhile into my lungs as deeply as I could. Walking in there was like having a cloud over my head, literally and figuratively. I was really worried about the effects of it on my health!
The only times, all day, that I could leave this heavily smoke-filled room, was when I went to lunch, the bathroom, or the commander called for me to bring in some papers, to his office down the hall, for him to sign, or a file that he needed. At first, I just thought it was a normal part of my training in this Orderly Room job which I went to Tech School for. Soon, though, he began calling for me to be sent in, and then he would ask me very personal, and private, things, and finally, questions about sex!
The only times, all day, that I could leave this heavily smoke-filled room, was when I went to lunch, the bathroom, or the commander called for me to bring in some papers, to his office down the hall, for him to sign, or a file that he needed. At first, I just thought it was a normal part of my training in this Orderly Room job which I went to Tech School for. Soon, though, he began calling for me to be sent in, and then he would ask me very personal, and private, things, and finally, questions about sex!
I HATED it when the Orderly Room supervisor told me to go in there to him, but I would go, because I was told to, and this commander was a First Lieutenant. I was only a one 'mosquito' stripe airman, who was required to follow orders. I always maintained my military bearing with him, and did my best to sidestep such questions by trying to refocus him on the BUSINESS at hand, but it was no use. He wouldn't STOP, and he HAD to know that I WANTED him to stop! I had evaded, and avoided, all of this, from him, that I could, and had given him NO encouragement AT ALL, in ANY way! While saying "Sir", I would still refuse to answer such questions from him.
He once had the unit cookout at his own house, and I had to go, along with the rest of the 'team'. I watched him with his wife, and wondered how he could not seem to feel in the least bit uncomfortable about his bad behaviors toward me, at work, knowing he had a WIFE to meet those needs, for him, rather than him coming on to me! I HATED THE WHOLE SITUATION! As it got worse, I went in, one day, to talk to the First Sergeant, at 1ACOMM, a Chief Master Sergeant in this sacred role, entrusted with hearing and helping unit members with any concerns. It was the proper move for me, within the Chain of Command which I was currently working in.
He listened intently to all I had to say about the commander's advances on me. Then, he leaned across his desk, and looking me right in the eyes with a hateful glare, he spat his words at me, telling me that Jim (this commander) was a FRIEND of his, and that if I EVER, E-V-E-R, told anybody such LIES about HIS FRIEND, ever again, I would be in ALOT of TROUBLE! This TERRIFIED me, even though I was telling the TRUTH! It shut me down, though, as I recalled Sergeant Trejo telling me that these people were HIS friends, and that I had better DO WELL there since he had placed me there to work with them. I didn't know how much, if any, of this stuff, HE knew they did. I didn't know WHO to trust! Not at the DORM, not at WORK, not on the BASE!
I felt really scared, and really, really, alone. I think that perhaps the Chief had told HIS FRIEND, the commander, that I came to see him about it, and that he had scared me into silence, because this commander got more brazen about it than he already was! I could hardly wait to get through each work day and get OUT of there! The base shuttle bus stop was right there at the corner, near the 1ACOMM building, and I took it up the hill, around the flight line, to the chow hall and dorm, after work.
I felt really scared, and really, really, alone. I think that perhaps the Chief had told HIS FRIEND, the commander, that I came to see him about it, and that he had scared me into silence, because this commander got more brazen about it than he already was! I could hardly wait to get through each work day and get OUT of there! The base shuttle bus stop was right there at the corner, near the 1ACOMM building, and I took it up the hill, around the flight line, to the chow hall and dorm, after work.
One day, as I was standing there, this commander pulled up beside me after leaving work himself, in his little, low-sitting, dark green, MG sports car. He said, "Where are you going, Airman Gray?" I cringed, from him talking to me after hours, as it was bad enough having to deal with him at work, as I said, "I am going to the dorm, SIR!" He replied, "Get in, Airman, and I will give you a ride." "NO, SIR," I replied, always maintaining my military bearing around him, "the shuttle bus will be here any minute (while I PRAYED that it would HURRY and GET THERE!)." He said, "Airman Gray, I said I will give you a ride." Again, I replied, "SIR! No thank you. The bus will be here any minute (it STILL WASN'T SHOWING UP, though, despite my desperate PRAYERS that it WOULD GET THERE, NOW!)" Then, suddenly sounding stern with me, he said, "Airman Gray, I TOLD YOU TO GET IN THE CAR!!!" Looking frantically around, one last time, for the shuttle bus, I got into his car with him, against every instinct for self-preservation and protection that I had, because he was now ordering me to do so, and I COULDN'T MAKE HIM STOP!!!
He also smoked, and he had an already-lit cigarette sitting in his car's open ashtray, which had developed a large end of ash as it sat there. He was a tall man, and this was a small car, and I felt trapped, and crowded, as I tried to find any way for our bodies not to touch during this drive to my dorm. As we came around the flight line, with my dorm almost in sight, he very slowly picked up his cigarette, but he didn't bring it to his lips. He casually, deliberately, brought the cigarette over my blue uniform blouse, and he tapped the ashes from it onto my chest area. As I looked at that, stunned, he just as casually sat the cigarette back down in the ashtray. Then, taking his hand, he reached over and WIPED IT OFF my CHEST, stroking his hand up and down, against me there, as he did so, saying only, "Oh, EXCUSE me, Airman Gray!"
As we pulled up to my dorm, I hurried to get up and out of this low-sitting vehicle, as he looked me right in the eyes and said to me, "Airman Gray, I WILL be BACK, and WE ARE going to HAVE SEX!" and he drove off. I was shaking, I was so scared by that! He wasn't STOPPING this, and I had already done ALL that I could POSSIBLY THINK OF to discourage this behavior toward me from him. Now, he was even threatening to RAPE me, basically, because THERE WAS NO WAY that I was EVER going to VOLUNTARILY have sex with this married man who was also my current commander! Having already gone through rape once, I was determined that I was NOT going to ALLOW THAT to HAPPEN to me, EVER AGAIN! I went to the Social Actions office, on base, the next day, and turned him in to them.
All Hell broke loose, on me, then. I was immediately moved from the 1ACOMM Orderly Room, which was a HUGE relief! But, while Colonel Noon wondered why I hadn't told him what I was going through, over there, Sergeant Trejo called me up, at my next temporary duty assignment, which was in the office at the Capehart Chapel, on base, very upset with me for turning this jerk in. He said to me, on ONE of the SEVERAL threatening-sounding phone calls he made to me, there, "You think YOU HAVE BALLS, don't you, Airman Gray? I am going to RUIN YOU!" I could never tell whether he was mad at me because I had told, or because he thought I was lying about it, or because this man was one of his "friends", or even just because he was a misogynist and I was a woman that had dared to enlist in "his" Air Force. Regardless, the way he treated me was intimidating, and stressful, though, for me, and was NEVER supportive, AT ALL.
All Hell broke loose, on me, then. I was immediately moved from the 1ACOMM Orderly Room, which was a HUGE relief! But, while Colonel Noon wondered why I hadn't told him what I was going through, over there, Sergeant Trejo called me up, at my next temporary duty assignment, which was in the office at the Capehart Chapel, on base, very upset with me for turning this jerk in. He said to me, on ONE of the SEVERAL threatening-sounding phone calls he made to me, there, "You think YOU HAVE BALLS, don't you, Airman Gray? I am going to RUIN YOU!" I could never tell whether he was mad at me because I had told, or because he thought I was lying about it, or because this man was one of his "friends", or even just because he was a misogynist and I was a woman that had dared to enlist in "his" Air Force. Regardless, the way he treated me was intimidating, and stressful, though, for me, and was NEVER supportive, AT ALL.
The people at the chapel were nice to me, and that office wasn't filled with smoke, so it was a better work environment. I was REALLY STRESSED OUT, by this time, though, and seeking help for that was taking me away from my job. I talked with one of the chaplains there, about what was going on and how I felt, but he really didn't seem to get it, being a man. He, though meaning well, I think, was just another one of the many men at Offutt that always seemed to think they were affirming me by this one, peculiar, comment they often made to me, which was "You look nice in your uniform." ??? I NEVER understood, as often as I heard that said to me, what THAT had to DO with ANYTHING!
My supervisor at the chapel liked me so well, at first, that he set up a double date with he and his wife, and his best friend, and me. I dated this man a couple of times, after that, and Will was a GREAT kisser, which I learned sitting in his car with him outside my dorm at the end of our date once. But we never got past that, or the fact that both of us were two lonely, broken-hearted, people, that were both still in love with our ex, and just couldn't overcome that, with, or for, one another. My supervisor was not as fond of me after he felt I had dumped his best friend, though, which wasn't really the case, but he still resented me for it, nevertheless. I started going into the sanctuary of the chapel, to pray, after walking over to Ehrling Berquist hospital, first, to eat lunch, because I was so very distressed that I was now actually becoming depressed. I prayed with my eyes shut, back then, sitting alone on a pew, in the quiet of the sanctuary, with no one else around.
One day, as I learned that Sergeant Trejo and his "friends" at 1ACOMM were starting a Discharge against me, I wondered what my future would be now, if that happened, as I watched all my hopes for a full Air Force career disappearing more with each passing, uncertain, day. As I sat there, silently praying about that, specifically, eyes closed, I FELT someone physically take the ring finger of my left hand and slip a solid, round, wedding band on it! I heard God speak in my spirit at the same time, saying to me, "You will be married in Omaha, Nebraska!" Startled by both these things, I opened my eyes to see who was pranking me by putting this ring on my hand, but no one was in the sanctuary except me! I couldn't SEE the ring, but I COULD FEEL IT on my finger!
One day, as I learned that Sergeant Trejo and his "friends" at 1ACOMM were starting a Discharge against me, I wondered what my future would be now, if that happened, as I watched all my hopes for a full Air Force career disappearing more with each passing, uncertain, day. As I sat there, silently praying about that, specifically, eyes closed, I FELT someone physically take the ring finger of my left hand and slip a solid, round, wedding band on it! I heard God speak in my spirit at the same time, saying to me, "You will be married in Omaha, Nebraska!" Startled by both these things, I opened my eyes to see who was pranking me by putting this ring on my hand, but no one was in the sanctuary except me! I couldn't SEE the ring, but I COULD FEEL IT on my finger!
As a nervous habit, I actually turn a ring around and around on my finger, if I ever have one on, because the feel of that bothers and distracts me. TO THIS DAY, I still sometimes find myself turning that INVISIBLE BUT SOLID ring around and around, on my finger, using my thumb, without even consciously realizing that I am doing that, again; because I continue to FEEL it ON there, although it ISN'T physically THERE! I challenged God's telling me, that day, that I would be married in Omaha, because, at that time, I had NO connection TO Omaha except for arriving at its airport and then reporting to the base in Bellevue.
I never told anyone about that, until right now. It was a very personal, and confusing thing, when it happened to me, and in all the years since. At the time God told me that, I thought it was UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE, because I was about to LEAVE the Omaha area, FOR GOOD, if they indeed managed to discharge me, and with NO happy or personal connection to this area, AT ALL, I had NO desire, or plans, to STAY here! [Note: As I write this, almost 40 years later, it amazes me that, unbeknown to me the day God told me that, I would, IN FACT, return to live here in Omaha! I NEVER would have BELIEVED that, in the chapel that day! So THAT part was true, and all I know is that GOD IS NOT A LIAR, IN ANY WAY. I have to say, though, that when I got married, after that, which was to my second husband, THAT is what originally BROUGHT ME BACK to Omaha to live, BUT he and I did NOT marry in OMAHA; we were married in Papillion; and it didn't work out between us.
God didn't tell me NOT to marry him, but He didn't tell me TO marry him, either, so it makes sense to me that he chose to marry me in the courthouse in Papillion rather than in Omaha. He was the ONLY one of the men that I married, and prayed about that first, that God NEVER gave me a CLEAR answer about. While I did marry two men, after that, both in Omaha, at the courthouse HERE, God DID TELL ME, before I did that, BOTH TIMES, that I was NOT to marry those men; but I rebelled, and did that anyway. Needless to say, they didn't work out, either, and both brought forms of abuse into my life, with the LAST disobedience bringing the WORST of that, to me. THAT CURED ME of any MORE disobedience, and I have remained single ever since, never meeting any man, here in Omaha, after that, that I feel God has ever told me TO marry, here. So, PART of this REMAINS a MYSTERY! And, I have remained celibate, for decades, now.
While I was working at the chapel, these men, connected specifically to the 1ACOMM situation, which also included Sergeant Trejo from my actual unit, which I never got to work in, tried to Discharge me, but CBPO (the Consolidated Base Personnel Office) told them that they couldn't do that because my record was exemplary and they didn't seem to have grounds for that. After I went to Social Actions, I had been sent to talk with Colonel Beyer, from the main 55th Wing on base, about this, and she was outraged by it, knew it was unfair and absurd, and vowed to be directly involved in getting it stopped! However, when I never heard from her again about it, after that conversation in her office, and then tried contacting her, I was told that she was currently a patient in the base hospital, which was apparently leading to her retiring from the Air Force, as a result of it.
While I was working at the chapel, these men, connected specifically to the 1ACOMM situation, which also included Sergeant Trejo from my actual unit, which I never got to work in, tried to Discharge me, but CBPO (the Consolidated Base Personnel Office) told them that they couldn't do that because my record was exemplary and they didn't seem to have grounds for that. After I went to Social Actions, I had been sent to talk with Colonel Beyer, from the main 55th Wing on base, about this, and she was outraged by it, knew it was unfair and absurd, and vowed to be directly involved in getting it stopped! However, when I never heard from her again about it, after that conversation in her office, and then tried contacting her, I was told that she was currently a patient in the base hospital, which was apparently leading to her retiring from the Air Force, as a result of it.
Some of my dorm friends, several of which were males, had known what I was going through, as I had turned to them in my growing fear and grief over it, and they were straining at the bit to jump into this and come to my defense! I asked them not to, though, to protect their own careers, since they were only airmen and NCOs, themselves, making them potential targets also; and they would not have had any 'eye witness' accounts of what had been happening to me directly.
Because of the dire situation, I finally went to see a lawyer in
the Staff Judge Advocates office, since it seemed that seeking the counsel of an Air Force attorney was my best option, now. He was himself an Air Force officer, and began our conversation with a very strange, personal, statement, which seemed anything but professional, to me. As I sat down to speak with him, in his office, he started saying to me that he had just returned from leave, after trying to commit suicide! I wasn't sure why he was telling me any of that, and I wasn't sure either, then, about the soundness of either his mind or his legal advice to me.
He told me that I needed to refuse to complete my CDCs, now, which was my Career Development Course studies, which needed to be completed in order to advance in my career and earn the corresponding rank for that. I was totally confused by that being his only advice to me, and I asked him to please explain to me HOW THAT WOULD HELP my situation. Looking at me wearily, as if I just wasn't getting something that was all too clear to him, he said to me, "Airman Gray, what you have been describing to me is how things are. This type of thing is never going to go away, for you, as a woman in the service, and it is never going to stop happening to you while you are in the Air Force. The best thing you can do, then, since they weren't able to Discharge you the first time they tried to, due to your perfect record, is to CREATE a DING on that record, which they can use to complete a Discharge. I am telling you this is your best option, for your own good, because it is never going to get better, or change, or stop, and these people are only going to continue to try to discredit you until they accomplish their goal and put you out. You have sat here, in tears, telling me how painful all this is for you, and how completely demoralized you feel. You need to help them end it. Otherwise, this just keeps going, and it doesn't seem to me that you can deal with this much longer."
I was devastated by his view of the reality of my situation, and he emotionally 'karate chopped' my resolve to keep trying to fight to stay in, causing me to begin to just. let. it. go. (I am crying, RIGHT NOW, as I type this! It STILL HURTS ME SO DEEPLY!) My Air Force career was DYING in my hands, and there didn't seem to be ANYTHING AT ALL that I could DO to STOP THAT from HAPPENING . . . .
My CDCs were DUE to be done at that time, and Sergeant Trejo was the one that was going to give me my test on that. In truth, I had been studying my CDCs, all along, and knew all the answers! My striving to do my very best, with excellence, had in no way changed, about me. So, when Sergeant Trejo contacted me, to tell me that it was time to take my CDCs test, while he was also one of these people trying to Discharge me, at the same time, I did what the attorney had instructed me to do, and I refused to do them. That caused me to get my first and only official Letter of Reprimand, which I was required to sign off on when I was counseled about it, so I did; but my comment which I wrote on it showed that it was under protest. This Letter was the first, and actually the only, negative mark on my otherwise perfect record.
My CDCs were DUE to be done at that time, and Sergeant Trejo was the one that was going to give me my test on that. In truth, I had been studying my CDCs, all along, and knew all the answers! My striving to do my very best, with excellence, had in no way changed, about me. So, when Sergeant Trejo contacted me, to tell me that it was time to take my CDCs test, while he was also one of these people trying to Discharge me, at the same time, I did what the attorney had instructed me to do, and I refused to do them. That caused me to get my first and only official Letter of Reprimand, which I was required to sign off on when I was counseled about it, so I did; but my comment which I wrote on it showed that it was under protest. This Letter was the first, and actually the only, negative mark on my otherwise perfect record.
About this time, I was sent, by someone involved in all this, for a psychological evaluation at the base hospital, and was later told to report to my unit, to see Colonel Noon, about that. As my naivete evaporated into hopelessness, my attitude became cynical. When I reported to Colonel Noon, who was such a nice man, and always very fatherly toward me, he had the pysch eval report on his desk, and he shared the results with me, as I stood At Ease before him. I had just been myself, and completely honest, with the man who performed my psychological evaluation, and Colonel Noon told me that he had found nothing wrong with me, to suggest that I was in any way unsuitable for serving in the United States Air Force.
Then, he leaned back in his chair, setting down the report, and looking at me standing before him, he said, "Airman Gray, I think that we really need to keep you in! What do YOU think about that?" While GREATLY appreciating his fairness, and faith in me, I stood there stone-faced, resolved now to just let them, these evil liars and haters, finish me off. I was completely discouraged, depleted, demoralized, and even despondent now, over the situation, as it played out, and dragged on. With the stress and strain of me living in limbo continually, and with no hope left for a better outcome or future, based on what the attorney had described to me would be my military life, even going forward from this, I just couldn't do it anymore.
So I answered him, hurting so deeply about that answer that I gave him, that day, that I cannot even type this now, here in my Blog, 4 decades later, without sitting crying at this point of the story. I said to Colonel Noon, my wonderful commander, whom I never actually got to even work for, "Sir, if THIS is what SERVING MY COUNTRY is going to BE LIKE, for me, I don't want to be here." Sighing, looking down again at the report about me, sitting on his desk in front of him, he said to me, "Alright, Airman Gray. I understand."
THAT moment WAS THE END, really, of my Air Force career, although its death would not be quick or pretty. It would still take awhile to 'kill off', with me being put through even more heartbreak, and humiliation, by these people behind my Discharge, which was Sergeant Trejo, First Lieutenant Parlett, who was the man I turned in to Social Actions, and the 1ACOMM Orderly Room staff which were loyal to him, including the only other woman who worked there, with me. She was a rather plain, young married woman, who may never have seen, or been subjected to, the behaviors which I had, by this commander.
They created a second Discharge packet against me, and submitted that to CBPO. When I first set eyes on these statements from these people, in that second, and final, Discharge attempt against me, which were largely lies and ridiculous misrepresentations, typed on official Air Force letterhead, I was still naive enough that I was shocked by that! Not even so much by the false and misleading statements these people were making, at this point in my Offutt Air Force Base experience-- this nightmare that I was having-- but because it was all stated on Air Force letterhead. That was something which had always represented integrity and honor and truth, to me, up until then, since I had only seen it, before this, for other 'official' documents, such as those letters I had received about my always exemplary achievements, which were all headed by "DEPARTMENT OF THE AIR FORCE".
They created a second Discharge packet against me, and submitted that to CBPO. When I first set eyes on these statements from these people, in that second, and final, Discharge attempt against me, which were largely lies and ridiculous misrepresentations, typed on official Air Force letterhead, I was still naive enough that I was shocked by that! Not even so much by the false and misleading statements these people were making, at this point in my Offutt Air Force Base experience-- this nightmare that I was having-- but because it was all stated on Air Force letterhead. That was something which had always represented integrity and honor and truth, to me, up until then, since I had only seen it, before this, for other 'official' documents, such as those letters I had received about my always exemplary achievements, which were all headed by "DEPARTMENT OF THE AIR FORCE".
These people were now representing that THIS crap was what the AIR
FORCE now thought of me, and it was extremely unrighteous, and painful
to me! Because it now included my actual Letter of Reprimand, along with their lies and misrepresentations, the case against me was seemingly strengthened. With that, I was ordered to go before an objective Eval Officer, who was not part of the unit(s) involved, to be interviewed by them directly about the charges made against me in the (second and final) Discharge packet. I hoped that he would see how bogus these things were, after reading them for himself, and recognize what was clearly and wrongly being done to me. It should be VERY OBVIOUS to ANYONE reading what is in my Discharge that there were STILL NOT SUFFICIENT GROUNDS to be DOING this!
Airmen get Letters of Reprimand, at times, and that in itself, especially with only one, alongside an otherwise exemplary record, was not usually an offense worthy of being separated from the service! The rest of the things were so silly sounding that I felt that anyone reading them SHOULD have SEEN that, for themselves! If this officer saw ANY of that, he didn't ACT as if he did. As he turned page after page, addressing these 'official' statements made about me, on Air Force letterhead, he sternly scolded me, and told me I was a disgrace to the Air Force, and had disrespected it, by MY 'bad' behaviors.
Everything in me was SCREAMING that THIS was NOT TRUE, of me, while I hung my head and simply replied to each thing he chastised me about, true or not, with "Yes, Sir.", "Sorry, Sir." "Yes, Sir." I allowed it to stand, as my record, because I felt the writing was on the wall, about my trying to serve in the Air Force, and that the JAG lawyer was probably right, that it would NEVER GET ANY BETTER for me, as the woman I was, in the Air Force. I had lost ALL hope, by this point. I was EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED and TRULY TERRIFIED. . . .
I was removed from my duties at Capehart Chapel, and sent to work in a very small, dingy, room, in the belly of the huge Building D, on base, as the Base Operator. Back then, it was just a black landline phone. So, I was completely isolated, now, from everyone on base, all day, every day, in this job. I was just left to sit there in that silence, when there weren't calls coming in, all alone with my thoughts and feelings, about what was happening to me now. Air Supply had a song on the radio, back then, and it seemed to echo so much of what I was feeling at the time, about my Air Force career, that I would weep whenever I heard it:
ALL OUT OF LOVE
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
Oh, what are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late I know I was so wrong
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late I know I was so wrong
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
There were snow flurries falling lightly as I reported to him, with my
stack of neatly folded uniforms in hand. He had me stand at attention
while he took my 'mosquito' stripe off of every one of them, while
saying to me, hatefully and hurtfully, that I didn't DESERVE to be in
'HIS' AIR FORCE, and I had DISGRACED IT. He then sent me to CBPO, to
process the final paperwork for my Discharge. I believe that he had
deliberately waited, until it was Christmas Eve, because so many people
were off base, away on Leave, now, for the Holidays, and there would be
less witnesses around, to see how I was being treated, and less friends
nearby to support me through this happening to me.
I was removed from my duties at Capehart Chapel, and sent to work in a very small, dingy, room, in the belly of the huge Building D, on base, as the Base Operator. Back then, it was just a black landline phone. So, I was completely isolated, now, from everyone on base, all day, every day, in this job. I was just left to sit there in that silence, when there weren't calls coming in, all alone with my thoughts and feelings, about what was happening to me now. Air Supply had a song on the radio, back then, and it seemed to echo so much of what I was feeling at the time, about my Air Force career, that I would weep whenever I heard it:
ALL OUT OF LOVE
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from these long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
Oh, what are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
What are you thinking of
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late I know I was so wrong
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late I know I was so wrong
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
Whereas Sergeant Trejo had called me up at the chapel, when I worked there, and made threatening and intimidating statements to me, now nobody called me, anymore, about anything at all, except for those needing assistance from me as the Base Operator. The total isolation I was now in, leaving me alone with my troubled thoughts all day, felt like Solitary Confinement to me, as if I were already being punished for what I knew I didn't deserve to have happening to me at all. (I CONTINUE TO CRY, typing this, now; this is VERY, VERY DIFFICULT for me, to describe! It was HEARTBREAKING to me, because I LOVED my country, and serving in the military, when I was allowed to do that without threats, abuse, and intimidation, none of which were SUPPOSED to be happening to me!)
Winter had come, and since I had arrived at Offutt the summer before, and was from the South, I had never in my life experienced BELOW ZERO wind chill factors and such COLD temperatures. It felt like BULLETS blowing through the front of my body, and out the back, even though I was wearing a coat. The landscape, and my future, both looked so dark, gray, and bleak.
I had kept my friends at bay, in order to protect them from any taint from my own situation which could possibly affect theirs. Nothing made sense, or was fair, about any of this that was happening to me, so I was concerned that my friends wouldn't be safe from something similar happening to them, simply because they cared about me and were so outraged watching what was going on, now, that they wanted to speak up, and speak out, about it.
I couldn't have felt any more alone, now, than I did. The Holidays were also approaching. It was almost the end of the year. 1980 had been both a glorious and a horrible year, for me; such a roller coaster of experiences and emotions that I was simply worn out and worn down, from it all, now. Finally, on the morning of Christmas Eve, as I sat in the bleak little room doing my Base Operator job, there was finally a phone call, for me. It was Sergeant Trejo, telling me to get all of my uniforms, and report to him immediately.
Even the fact that it
was Christmas, a time when GIFTS are given, from one person to another,
made this thing, that HE was giving ME, even harder to deal with, now, if
that were even possible. As I went to CBPO, to do my last official
act, in the Air Force, by completing the paperwork, and getting my
complimentery plane ticket from the U.S. Government, back to the
Charlotte airport I had originally flown to Basic from, when I had enlisted, I couldn't
stop sobbing! I was crying uncontrollably, now, with MY HEART JUST
BREAKING! (I continue to cry, NOW, as I am trying my best to type this
through my tears.)
I discovered, as I signed off on each part of the
paperwork set before me, that they had also issued a Letter of Barment
from Offutt Air Force Base, which described that, due to my being a
troublemaker on this installation, I was forbidden to ever enter this
base again, with threat of arrest by the Security Police, if I did so!
As I was leaving Offutt, and the Omaha area BEHIND ME, FOR GOOD, as far
as I knew then, since I HAD NO OTHER TIES TO THE AREA, I didn't see the point
of that. It simply seemed like more insult added to injury, to me, in
how all of this was being handled. The woman helping me with this final
paperwork, at CBPO, seeing my tears falling through this
entire process, said to me, "SOMETHING is WRONG, with this! I don't know
what it is, but YOU CAN FIGHT IT! You SHOULD FIGHT it! Even though you
are being Discharged today, you can FIGHT this!"
Looking up at her from
signing my name on another of the forms, still sniffling and sobbing, I said to her, "I CAN'T! There is NO MORE FIGHT
LEFT in me, now." I flew home to Hickory, to my parents' house, for lack
of anywhere else to really go, and because I had not been consulted at all as
to my final destination, in regard to the plane ticket. It was what it
was, and I was completely physically drained and emotionally exhausted,
now, anyway. There was NOTHING that I could do, now, except for what I was
doing.
I literally cried all the way through my Discharge, starting at CBPO, and
going nonstop, through the drive to the airport, my flight back to
Charlotte, and even after I arrived at my parents' house, and was
sitting alone in their livingroom, late at night after they went to bed,
in the dark except for the Christmas tree lights shining with all their
festive hopefulness. I felt like I had NO hope. I was very, very,
depressed.
I had also been given a "General Discharge, Under Honorable Conditions", rather than an Honorable Discharge, "on the 24th day of DECEMBER 1980", as well as my DD214, which is my "CERTIFICATE OF RELEASE OR DISCHARGE FROM ACTIVE DUTY", which states that I was Discharged under AFM 39-12, with "NARRATIVE REASON FOR SEPARATION" being given as "UNSUITABILITY - PERSONALITY DISORDER - EVAUL OFFICER". Except for the ONE, attorney-directed, Letter of Reprimand that I received, my record had been exemplary the entire way through all of this, which was documented by my file, some of which I received copies of.
I had also been given a "General Discharge, Under Honorable Conditions", rather than an Honorable Discharge, "on the 24th day of DECEMBER 1980", as well as my DD214, which is my "CERTIFICATE OF RELEASE OR DISCHARGE FROM ACTIVE DUTY", which states that I was Discharged under AFM 39-12, with "NARRATIVE REASON FOR SEPARATION" being given as "UNSUITABILITY - PERSONALITY DISORDER - EVAUL OFFICER". Except for the ONE, attorney-directed, Letter of Reprimand that I received, my record had been exemplary the entire way through all of this, which was documented by my file, some of which I received copies of.
For someone who was now called "unsuitable for service", I had THRIVED in the MILITARY environment, and LOVED it, so that DD214 couldn't really be accurate, based on ALL the evidence. I had turned in my married commander, though, for trying to force me to have sex with him, and I had some difficulties with some of the more outrageous behaviors of the males in the military, both because of my values and because I had been raped. NONE of THOSE things, though, involving these MEN, had ever caused me to perform anything less than EXEMPLARY in whatever job I had been assigned to do!
With all that I went through while I was serving in the Air Force, it was still better treatment than other women have gone through, serving our country in the military. There was no Hotline for sexually abused women, when I was in. [Launched in February 2011, the Safe Helpline* serves as DoD's sole sexual assault hotline. https://www.safehelpline.org/about] I remember the newscasts reporting that, once that was available for servicewomen, it was overwhelmed by the volume of calls coming into it, but that they figured this was still only about 1/3 of the women actually being assaulted in our military, who were willing to come forward about what they were going through at the hands of these men that they worked with and for. It was said that the other 2/3 of them never reported their assaults, or the abuse, for various reasons, not the least of which was a sadly valid concern that they would be retaliated on, punished, discredited, and possibly lose their career, which they loved.
With all that I went through while I was serving in the Air Force, it was still better treatment than other women have gone through, serving our country in the military. There was no Hotline for sexually abused women, when I was in. [Launched in February 2011, the Safe Helpline* serves as DoD's sole sexual assault hotline. https://www.safehelpline.org/about] I remember the newscasts reporting that, once that was available for servicewomen, it was overwhelmed by the volume of calls coming into it, but that they figured this was still only about 1/3 of the women actually being assaulted in our military, who were willing to come forward about what they were going through at the hands of these men that they worked with and for. It was said that the other 2/3 of them never reported their assaults, or the abuse, for various reasons, not the least of which was a sadly valid concern that they would be retaliated on, punished, discredited, and possibly lose their career, which they loved.
Since that DID HAPPEN TO ME, I can say that their fears were not unfounded. In working on this Blog post, about my experiences in the military, serving in the Air Force, I came across this link, and wanted to include it here. [https://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/27/us/former-air-force-recruit-speaks-out-about-rape-by-her-sergeant-at-lackland.html] While it isn't about me, specifically, it is pointing out MORE of 'the (acrid) smell of smoke' still coming from this destructive, uncontained, wildfire that is raging through our military, wrecking women's careers, and degrading their very lives in the process!
We are just not perceived as people, with hopes, dreams, and aspirations, of our own, whenever we are treated in these ways. We are seen as toys, to trifle with, and then cast aside, by these men! Men are too often a CONSUMER of women, just USING US, and USING US UP in the process of doing that to us. All of this is part of why I have chosen to remain single, and celibate, for decades now, despite the various 'offers' I have received from men, over the years.
At this point in my life, I don't believe that men could EVER GIVE TO ME more than they have ALREADY TAKEN FROM ME, nor do I believe that they even WANT to. I protect me, now, because when I was in the hands of men, THEY NEVER DID. They only further VICTIMIZED me, until I couldn't allow any more of that, especially by trying to open myself up to them to be respected, cared about, and even loved. I am MORE than my VAGINA.
I seriously wonder, often, if MEN are more than THEIR DICKS. For those of you reading this, THIS is MY feelings about it, which are clearly based on MY OWN EXPERIENCES, as a human being, and a woman. If you don't UNDERSTAND why I feel this way, it's because YOU have NOT been in MY SHOES, or the position that, either relationally or sexually, far too many women are put in, every day, by men. I didn't START OUT, or WANT, to feel this way about men. I wanted GOOD relationships, and even LOVING ones, with them. It was their behaviors and actions toward me that caused this shift in my thinking. I was shaped by my experiences in life, as to how I turned out, just as any of you also were.
[NOTE: Having covered my experiences dealing with the Army, Navy, and Air Force, in my post, I need to add here that, when I was around 34 years old, living back in my home town, briefly, I talked several times with a recruiter about possibly getting a waiver to enlist in the Marines. I don't recall now whether that would have been needed due to my age at that time, or my Air Force Discharge, or both. He sounded very optimistic and reassuring about his being able to do that for me! My HOPES WERE UP so HIGH! Then, he invited me, while I was still in the process of trying to reenlist in the military, to go up to the mountains one weekend, which apparently, from my experience, is what all recruiters stationed in Hickory, North Carolina, like to do with women; plus it prevents them from being seen doing anything unprofessional, or against regulations, in the small town that their offices are located in. He also, like the Navy recruiters previously had done, partied with another recruiter from his office. I declined to do that. After that, he acknowledged and admitted to me that I would have never been able to obtain that waiver at all, and that he had simply been 'stringing me along' to try to get me to have 'gratitude' sex with him. I had already been collecting the personal character references he had requested, for the waiver process, and my mother had even been involved in this, telling him how much it meant to me to be able to serve in the military. So, these issues, I describe in my post, actually were encountered by me as I interacted with male members of EVERY BRANCH OF THE MILITARY! I wanted you to know HOW PERVASIVE THIS IS.]
* "DoD Safe Helpline 877-995-5247 – a groundbreaking crisis support service for members of the DoD community affected by sexual assault. Safe Helpline provides live, one-on-one support and information to the worldwide DoD community. The service is confidential, anonymous, secure and available worldwide, 24/7 by click, call or text ~ providing victims with the help they need anytime, anywhere. Washington, DC. https://www.safehelpline.org/ "
[NOTE: Having covered my experiences dealing with the Army, Navy, and Air Force, in my post, I need to add here that, when I was around 34 years old, living back in my home town, briefly, I talked several times with a recruiter about possibly getting a waiver to enlist in the Marines. I don't recall now whether that would have been needed due to my age at that time, or my Air Force Discharge, or both. He sounded very optimistic and reassuring about his being able to do that for me! My HOPES WERE UP so HIGH! Then, he invited me, while I was still in the process of trying to reenlist in the military, to go up to the mountains one weekend, which apparently, from my experience, is what all recruiters stationed in Hickory, North Carolina, like to do with women; plus it prevents them from being seen doing anything unprofessional, or against regulations, in the small town that their offices are located in. He also, like the Navy recruiters previously had done, partied with another recruiter from his office. I declined to do that. After that, he acknowledged and admitted to me that I would have never been able to obtain that waiver at all, and that he had simply been 'stringing me along' to try to get me to have 'gratitude' sex with him. I had already been collecting the personal character references he had requested, for the waiver process, and my mother had even been involved in this, telling him how much it meant to me to be able to serve in the military. So, these issues, I describe in my post, actually were encountered by me as I interacted with male members of EVERY BRANCH OF THE MILITARY! I wanted you to know HOW PERVASIVE THIS IS.]
* "DoD Safe Helpline 877-995-5247 – a groundbreaking crisis support service for members of the DoD community affected by sexual assault. Safe Helpline provides live, one-on-one support and information to the worldwide DoD community. The service is confidential, anonymous, secure and available worldwide, 24/7 by click, call or text ~ providing victims with the help they need anytime, anywhere. Washington, DC. https://www.safehelpline.org/ "
My TWEET about this ongoing issue from Jul 28 2019 "Deborah Gayle Robinson @DeborahGayleRo1 There SEEMS TO BE NO END to #sexualassaultinthemilitary, indicating that half of our U.S. population is at risk if they serve. It ruined MY military career, too, and was a problem even interacting with the recruiters! Read my Blog post on it . . . ."
ReplyDeleteMy TWEET about this ongoing issue from Jul 29 2019 "Deborah Gayle Robinson @DeborahGayleRo1 As a USAF Active Duty veteran, I WAS WILLING to DIE for my country, but NOT to be RAPED by it! Read my Blog post about this ONGOING ISSUE in the military . . . #sexualassaultinthemilitary"
ReplyDeleteThese men that treat women like nothing more than disposable sex objects always damage our lives, often wreck our lives, and sometimes even take our lives. This young military woman, that is currently in the news, who is (WAS) a HUMAN BEING, and so much more than just another pretty face, gave her life for her country--- OUR country (the United States)--- but not IN service to her country. Her LIFE was TAKEN from her BECAUSE she was IN THE SERVICE, of her country. She enlisted, to make a better life for herself, and her life was taken from her, by a male military member, in a brutally violent way. While I try to describe this to you, here, I am also aware that, for something THIS EVIL AND HORRENDOUS, there are really NO WORDS, that can do it--- or HER--- JUSTICE. The following are quotes from some of the current news stories about this tragic tale: "Vanessa Guillén, a 20-year-old U.S. Army soldier, disappeared April 22, 2020 in the early afternoon at Fort Hood, Texas from the parking lot of her barracks where she was stationed with the 3rd Cavalry Regiment." "A few weeks before Guillén went missing, she told her family that she was being sexually harassed by an unnamed sergeant at Fort Hood, and that other female soldiers had made reports but the complaints against him had been dismissed." "U.S. Army officials at Fort Hood identified the soldier as 20-year-old Spc. Aaron David Robinson of Illinois." "Robinson [said] he killed a female soldier by striking her in the head with a hammer multiple times at his arms room while on post on April 22, the same day Guillen went missing." ". . . then used a hatchet or ax and a machete-type knife to dismember the body. . . . allegedly tried to burn the body, and placed the remains in three separate holes and covered them up." This young woman was barely out of her teens, with her whole life ahead of her. This man was making her life miserable by sexually harassing her to the point that she talked to her family about it deeply troubling her. According to reports, when she stated to him that she would turn him in, for it, as other women had already apparently done, about him, BUT WITH NO RESULTS from the military (which I experienced MYSELF, in the USAF, when I began speaking up about the officer that I was assigned to work under who was continually sexually harassing me), HE TOOK HER LIFE. Should I be GRATEFUL that, while I wasn't MURDERED and DISMEMBERED, by my predator, that I 'only' ultimately became so completely stressed out, intimidated, and frightened, that it COST ME MY CAREER? How MUCH should we LOSE? How MUCH should they be allowed to TAKE from us? And, ALL THIS is because THEY ARE 'HORNY'and/or just enjoy ABUSING THEIR POWER, at our expense (due to having rank, over us, etc., that WE are REQUIRED TO RESPECT), and they think we are ONLY on this Earth to fulfill their SEXUAL needs, with NO REGARD for our OWN NEEDS AND WANTS? I am DISGUSTED. I am OUTRAGED. I KNOW it WILL NOT CHANGE, either, because 'Boys will be boys', and there are FAR MORE males that are 'BOYS', on this Earth, than there are males who are 'MEN'.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteThe White House @WhiteHouse
2h
President Biden just signed an Executive Order to establish sexual harassment as an offense under the Uniform Code of Military Justice — as called for by the I Am Vanessa Guillén Act in the 2022 National Defense Authorization Act.
No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen @NoLieWithBTC
ReplyDelete1h
JUST IN: President Biden has signed an executive order making military sexual harassment a criminal offense and requiring complaints to be handled by independent investigators outside of the military chain of command.