After we got married, we were still living in the very small studio apartment, for awhile, that Jim had rented as a bachelor, when he arrived to report to his first permanent duty station at Offutt Air Force Base in Nebraska. I was home all day, and was not feeling very well alot of the time, due to my pregnancy with our son. Whether for this reason, or some other, Jim bought me a tiny teacup poodle puppy that I wanted. She was the runt of the litter. As she squatted to pee, at the house of the woman that was selling these dogs, the whole puddle was only about 1/8 of a teaspoon! I was taken with this tiny, black, fur baby, who was so full of exuberance! Going to her new home, with us, she curled up and slept, in the PALM of my hand! She also liked to curl up in the cozy pocket of my bathrobe. (I didn't even know, then, this dog breed is called Pocket Poodles! I also did not know that they often come with serious health conditions, but we would find that out soon.) Butterbar, which I named her, after the nickname for Jim's 2nd lieutenant rank in the Air Force, was a consoling companion, to me; at first. The busy tenant parking lot was just a few feet away from the apartment door, so to take her outside for walks, safely, I had to 'jimmy rig' a leash to even fit her. There happened to be a gag toy that was a real fad about that time; the Invisible Dog Leash. It made it look as if someone was walking an invisible dog. Butterbar was so small that, even when the grass was not very tall, people would ask me if I had one of those toy leashes. They usually didn't even BELIEVE me, when I told them that, in fact, there REALLY WAS A DOG on the end of the leash that I was holding! We had to move out of Jim's apartment, though, soon after we got Butterbar, because of a NO PET policy there, which he hadn't known, or told me, about. So, someone actually believed we had a real dog!
With our baby due in a few months, it had also made sense for us to leave that extremely small apartment, for the two bedroom townhouse which we moved into, where there would then be a nursery for the baby. Jim wasn't really saying much of anything, to me, about anything, for the most part, though, for me to really know how he was actually feeling, about any of this. Even so, I gave him alot of credit, for making the effort that he did, then, in the situation we were in. Not because he shouldn't have done that, since he had gotten me pregnant, but because there are unfortunately alot of guys who simply don't, and won't, step up, in such a situation as ours, of an unplanned pregnancy, and a resulting 'shotgun wedding'. He had also changed his mind, after first telling me to get an abortion, and never said that to me again. This change of heart, from him, had caused me to think that his initial response, to go do that, had just been a knee-jerk reaction to his being told, by the woman whom he had just recently, and very decidedly, put behind him, once and for all, that he had also left his baby behind, inside of her, as well, before moving on. Jim had chosen to legally marry me, too; which was an honorable gesture. I came to believe that he had only done that for the military CHAMPUS insurance to cover this.Since we were now legally married, I was officially a Dependent of a member of the military, which also entitled us to the CHAMPUS health coverage, for both my prenatal care and the delivery of the baby. However, I needed to have an official Military Dependent ID to access this care, and those were issued on base, where I was not allowed to go, without threat of arrest by the Security Police, and prosecution for trespassing, due to the Letter of Barment, which I had been given at the time I was Discharged, from this very same Air Force base, months earlier. [My post from July 10, 2019, "My Career In The United States Air Force: It Took Flight, Then Crashed And Burned", covers this situation in detail.] Jim was trying to resolve this, and in the process of that, it was required, or recommended, that he take me to see a psychologist, to do an evaluation of me. I had not been threatening to anyone, in any way, while I was stationed there, at Offutt Air Force Base! I had just turned in my married commander, finally, for trying to force me to have sex with him! Due to this, I was threatened, and lied about, by this officer's other subordinates, and supporters, because I had done that. They got away with all of that, which they had done toward me, but I was ultimately DISCHARGED! It was a horribly unfair, even unrighteous, situation, and now that was also complicating this marriage, and the birth of our baby, adding insult to injury. My having to also be assessed, now, regarding my posing any real 'danger' to the base, or anyone on it, was another humiliation that I was being put through by the Air Force. It didn't even comfort me, at all, when someone explained to me that I was in no way singled out, when I was issued such a Barment, from the base; that it was 'standard procedure', rightly or wrongly, in many such cases as mine. So, Jim and I had to 'jump through hoops', in order to get me onto the base, again, to get the Dependent ID I was now entitled to.
"Dear Major Kilroy:
I am writing to furnish you some data relative to Deborah Carlin and her request to reenter Offutt Air Force Base.
I met Lieutenant and Mrs. Carlin in my office on April 13, 1981. During that time Mrs. Carlin informed me of the circumstances surrounding the situation and dilemma she is currently facing. I believe that Mrs. Carlin was truthful in her account of what transpired in her short Air Force career. This information was corroborated by Lieutenant Carlin and by written documentation I have seen regarding her discharge.
Even though her handling of the situation as she did was probably not in her best interest she is now aware of the consequences of her behavior. I believe her reactions were the result of fear, frustration, and perhaps some immaturity. I do not believe, however, that her classification of personality disorder is at this time valid. This is furnished on the basis of my counseling with Mrs. Carlin and her spouse, the results of two standardized inventories that were administered to Mrs. Carlin and the results of an Incomplete Sentences test.
The results of the other inventories administered indicate that Mrs. Carlin has a positive self concept, that she is concerned about her abilities to get along with others and has the stamina necessary to accomplish important things in her life. Both of these inventories indicate that her psychological makeup is pretty much average and normal in difference to an earlier classification as having a personality disorder.
Major Kilroy, May 22, 1981, Page 2
One of the difficulties I have noted in my work with her so far has been her sense of trust in others. She has been conditioned from early childhood to be trusting of others and believe what others tell her. Perhaps this might be construed as naivety on her part, however, at the time of her difficulties her responses probably indicated a method of survival and nothing more.
[Note: That is exactly what I had felt like, as I was going through those things--- like I was stuck in some stressful survival mode; trying to cope with things that I shouldn't have had to, at all, in the only way I could think how to, at the time this was happening to me.]
At this stage of her life, after assessment, I would not concur with the diagnostic classification she has been labeled with and its far reaching implications which I believe will have a detrimental effect on her future life.
I believe Mrs. Carlin's psychological makeup at this time has changed dramatically from December, 1980. As I have stated, her decision making skills were obviously impaired when she was going through the many crises she was faced with while on active duty. I would recommend that based on my evaluation of her at this time that she would cause no harm nor any embarrassment to the U.S Air Force and that the circumstances surrounding her discharge and ultimate barring from Offutt be evaluated to the fullest. Should this occur I believe the label affixed earlier would be deleted.
If I can be of further assistance in this matter I shall be happy to comply.
Sincerely,(signed)
J. F. Bertinetti, Ph.D
Counseling Psychologist"
It helped us. After approaching the base gate, in order for me to enter to obtain my ID, I believe we had a Security Police escort, to CBPO, to do that, but I am not certain about this, now. I do remember feeling very anxious, and intimidated, during my going through that process, though.
With the ID obtained for me, now, we were able to get started with the needed medical care for the baby and I. [Because this post is the third one dedicated to discussing my relationship with this man, is lengthy in itself, and I have already covered a lot of this in other posts which I have already published here, I will move on to aspects of this which may not have been touched on at all, about this, as yet, in this Blog, while recommending that you read my posts dated 4/3/19, 6/26/19, 7/10/19, and 7/24/19, for specific background information, related to this part of my life story.] Something that Jim never knew, about this situation that we were in together, was that I would become one of those silly women who develop a real crush on their gynecologist! I must mention that here, because of the catalyst causing it, which is directly related to Jim, and how he was toward me, throughout my pregnancy, and our short-lived marriage to one another; as well as even before that, actually. My OB/GYN was tall, dark, nice-looking, and very warm and friendly. He always had a big smile, for me, was always looking out for my best interests, and was very supportive of, and nurturing toward, me. His 'bedside manner' was both caring and comforting. I WAS STARVING FOR THIS very treatment, toward me, but by my husband, Jim, during the ordeal of my having a baby, which I had never planned to be doing, especially since I was extremely medically squeamish. Also very stressful for me, in all this, was the fact that, as far as I could see, based on gauging Jim's actions the best I could, since 'actions speak louder than words' (and Jim's words, to me, were so few and far between), I had probably only been married, by this man that I loved, as a result of that mishap. Jim withheld communication from me, the majority of the time, and also didn't seem to be emotionally connected to me, at all, meaning there was no affirmation from him, or show of affection toward me. Because the two of us couldn't risk becoming sexually involved, with one another, anymore, due to genital warts, which had appeared along with the pregnancy, at least until the baby finally came, and the warts finally left, the two of us also avoided any and all physical contact with one another which would undermine our needed resolve to abstain from sex. This included hugs, kisses, back rubs, cuddling, and even hand holding! This might seem like drastic measures, but our strong sexual chemistry together made our touching one another, in any way, too risky for us.
Jim got all the necessary items for the baby's nursery, while I sewed some curtains, for it, from a fun, colorful, animal print fabric. He even finally, although rather reluctantly, it had seemed to me, PURCHASED FURNITURE, for where we now lived. This apartment was not 'furnished', like those other places he had previously rented, for himself. His commander, I believe it was, also sent us a box full of his and his wife's old set of pots and pans, to be a Starter Set for us, which we appreciated. Jim bought the needed maternity and baby clothes. He went with me to all of my prenatal OB/GYN appointments, and our Lamaze classes. He had even allowed my gynecologist to examine his penis, in the exam room that I was in, during one of my prenatal checkups, after I had suddenly developed those genital warts in the course of my pregnancy. Jim's willingness to do that was important, because we were still sexually active together, at first. At least, as much as I could tolerate of that, since I was nauseous so much of the time, especially during the first several months. It had felt like even more was stacked against us, and any real chance of our ever making this relationship between us work, by the time that I had finally stopped being as sick to my stomach, during the latter part of my pregnancy, but we still weren't able to have sex, together, because of those genital warts, which had suddenly showed up. The doctor had warned us that they could possibly complicate the delivery of the baby, especially if they spread, or became internalized, also, by things like penile penetration. [Reference my April 3, 2019 post, "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free . . . ", for more on it.]
It didn't help the relationship between us, at all, that we weren't able to have sex together. The chemistry between us created an almost insatiable appetite to enjoy each other in bed! Due to Doctor's Orders, to shut our sex life down, now, for what was, at that time, the unforeseeable future (because we didn't know, then, if the warts would, in fact, disappear, once the pregnancy was over; but they did), it just felt like the Death Knell, for our relationship. Because it was such a powerful force (and therefore, subject), for us, neither Jim nor I were communicating directly, with one another, about these complications affecting our sex life, or, rather, the huge impact, on us, of its nonexistence, now. I was having my own, very intense, struggles, within me, to stick to the Doctor's Orders about it, to protect our baby. I was determined to do that, for the duration of the pregnancy, and I did, but only by disciplining myself to not even contemplate how attracted I was, especially sexually, to Jim. Because it felt like he was literally irresistible, to me, I stuffed all of my attraction for him as far down in me as I could (avoiding any of that reaching my vagina, however, since it was now the baby's 'birth canal'). From that point on, I only, and always, behaved around him like he was more of a brother, to me. I didn't hug him, kiss him, rub him, help get him off, or any other such things, because I felt sure that, if I even did the least of these physical things with him, that I wouldn't be able to hold myself back, from being sexually engaged with him once again. This conviction of mine was really drummed into me, by the FACT that our behavioral pattern with one another, while I was stationed at Keesler Air Force Base, was this very thing! We just couldn't keep our hands off of one another, at all!Jim got all the necessary items for the baby's nursery, while I sewed some curtains, for it, from a fun, colorful, animal print fabric. He even finally, although rather reluctantly, it had seemed to me, PURCHASED FURNITURE, for where we now lived. This apartment was not 'furnished', like those other places he had previously rented, for himself. His commander, I believe it was, also sent us a box full of his and his wife's old set of pots and pans, to be a Starter Set for us, which we appreciated. Jim bought the needed maternity and baby clothes. He went with me to all of my prenatal OB/GYN appointments, and our Lamaze classes. He had even allowed my gynecologist to examine his penis, in the exam room that I was in, during one of my prenatal checkups, after I had suddenly developed those genital warts in the course of my pregnancy. Jim's willingness to do that was important, because we were still sexually active together, at first. At least, as much as I could tolerate of that, since I was nauseous so much of the time, especially during the first several months. It had felt like even more was stacked against us, and any real chance of our ever making this relationship between us work, by the time that I had finally stopped being as sick to my stomach, during the latter part of my pregnancy, but we still weren't able to have sex, together, because of those genital warts, which had suddenly showed up. The doctor had warned us that they could possibly complicate the delivery of the baby, especially if they spread, or became internalized, also, by things like penile penetration. [Reference my April 3, 2019 post, "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free . . . ", for more on it.]
So, I tried to give him some type of sexual outlet, at home, by reading to him, each night, from a book by Jackie Collins, as we lay there together, now UNABLE to do, at all, what we couldn't seem to STOP ourselves from doing before, with one another. I think the book was Lovers and Gamblers, because I remember there was a plane crash in the story, with the main characters stranded in a jungle together. Even with all that going on, it was still a very sex-infused plot line (although perhaps more tame-seeming, now, in comparison with Fifty Shades Of Grey, which appeared 3 1/2 decades later, in this genre). In hindsight, it may not have been the best thing for me to do, to try to address and engage his sexuality in this way, but I was trying to do what I could, for Jim, sexually speaking, in this indirect way, by providing him with some potential self-pleasuring fantasy fodder. At the same time, I was making sure to keep away from any direct focus on our own sexual energy, toward one another. While I realized, later, that my doing this might have merely made things worse for him, during our doctor-advised abstinence, or even inadvertently helped encourage him to go outside of the marriage for some sexual gratification, he never communicated to me anything about this causing an issue, for him, either way. I just didn't know what else I could possibly do, about his strong sexuality, and those needs he had, given our situation. (Meanwhile, I was not allowed, by my doctor, to do anything at all about my own needs, because of those genital warts with the pregnancy, which was not easy for me, at all, either!) I knew that I could not touch Jim, after the doctor told us not to have sex, because I knew that I literally would not be able to resist having sex with him! I just absolutely knew that!
Once we had moved into the townhouse apartment, I began to notice some things that he had started doing there that he had not been doing before. I also began hearing about some things, he was doing, now, which he had been doing before, which was inappropriate interactions, at least socially, with other women. All of this added up, in my mind, to Jim not wanting to be in this marriage, with me. For one thing, he had developed a constant case of 'fidgety feet'. That may not sound like much, as either a sign or a symptom of 'relational health', but this seemed (along with the other things that he both was, and wasn't, doing now) to indicate that he had a strong desire, at least subconsciously, to walk-- or run-- away from the marriage. He could not simply sit still, anymore, and he never seemed to be at peace, now. Then, too, that could have developed from his certain agitation over the complete cessation of our sex life, after it being 'full throttle' with us, before. The continual moving of his feet, as he sat, first one and then the other, back and forth, in rapid, repetitive, 'air tapping' succession, not only caught my eye, but caught my attention, because it was something new, now.
Also, one night, which turned out to be just the first, of many, for this behavior by him, he just left, to go out somewhere, with nothing at all said to me, by him, about where he was going, or when he would be back. The townhouse was in a rather remote residential area, a little way off from the side of a highway, between Bellevue and Papillion. He always had the only car, for us, at the time, too. There were no cell phones, back then; only landlines. I had no idea where he was, in case of emergency, or any such need, and I was pregnant! With any close, and caring, relationship, including between a married couple, with a baby on the way, this behavior would never happen, simply out of mutual love and respect for one another. This was done openly, by him, with me right there watching it! (Sadly, he even did this crap after the baby arrived.) I still recall standing at our bedroom window, late at night, in the dark, watching the snow falling, in deepening drifts, when it was very close to the due date for the delivery of our baby. I was so EXTREMELY ANXIOUS that I might go into labor, then, all alone there, and have NO idea how to even try to contact him, to get me to the hospital. I felt vulnerable, abandoned, and scared, as I waited for our baby to be born. I was never really sure where Jim was, much of the time; either physically or emotionally! I never knew how he felt about me, because he never told me. Not since the cards he had given me back in Biloxi after we first met, claiming to love me then. All I could go on was the fact that actions speak louder than words, and throughout our brief marriage, his behaviors had often SCREAMED that he wanted to NOT BE IN THIS, WITH ME.
One of the times that Jim had left, he came into the bedroom, the next morning, from his being gone until then, after leaving the night before, looking gray in pallor, and haggard, saying that he had just been sitting behind our townhouse, all night, in its private garage, in his car with the engine running. I knew that what he was telling me was impossible, because, if he HAD sat in the garage ALL NIGHT, with the car engine running, as he described to me, HE WOULD BE DEAD from the fumes.This kind of 'crazy' behavior was NOT AT ALL like him, although there had been a couple of these irrational incidents, from him, back at the studio apartment! For him to even 'play around' with some tale that sounded like either a fake, or unsuccessful, suicide attempt, by him, was extremely concerning to me! This particular incident was a one time, and really scary, thing, with him, and I sat watching him call in sick to his boss on base, that day, saying that he really didn't feel well. I knew that I couldn't tell anyone about this, because he could lose his security clearance, and his Air Force career, over anything that seemed this unstable. If that had happened again, more than the once, I would have been forced to get him some help, but it didn't. It sure sent a clear message, of SOME sort, to ME, by him, though! Whatever the specific reason, that he would do 'that' (whichever thing 'that' actually WAS), it seemed to me to be due to his deep unhappiness with our situation; the marriage, at the very least, and possibly even because of the baby on the way, as well. He NEVER SAID THAT, or anything like that, to me, directly, but these unusual ways that he was 'acting out' now, were certainly indicative of SOMETHING BEING REALLY WRONG, going on with him. He seemed happier when he was headed in to the base, to work, and out to the other places without me, wherever those were each time, on the several evenings that happened with him. I could only imagine that this 'acting out' was his way of SCREAMING that HE DIDN'T WANT ME, and was MISERABLE in our marriage, making me feel even more rejected, while my belly continued growing bigger, from his child inside me, until I eventually felt COMPLETELY rejected by him. I could not have been in a worse place, emotionally, while I was in this marriage, and having this baby. Did he ever consider, or care, how trapped I felt, by all this; and my body was taken over by the baby, and the genital warts, as well. So, while he appeared to be going out, socializing to some unknown extent, with someone, somewhere, I was sitting at home, carrying his baby.
Once, when we were getting out of the car in the mall parking lot, when I both looked and felt rather hideous, due to such a big belly (from a big baby) protruding from my otherwise slender body, a woman nearby us laughed out loud at how I looked, which was rather like a stick figure that had swallowed a barrel. Jim just seemed embarrassed, FOR me, rather than supportive, OF me. I was SO LONELY, in our marriage! In contrast to this, my doctor seemed so CARING and ATTENTIVE, toward me, and since he was really the only other man that I had any type of direct relationship with, during this time of such loneliness and isolation for me, I ended up smitten with him, especially by the end of my pregnancy, and of my marriage. He was happily married, and NOTHING about the crush that I had on him, then, ever developed into any kind of a real, romantic, relationship, between us. I just felt that it was important to include this even happening, with me, here, because that resulted from my living in a relational DESERT, with my husband, and it also continued on, in my emotions, for some time. I NEEDED a 'HERO'!
THIS was one of the things that resulted from all that, because it was actually JIM that I was always, truly, in love with, although I became so hurt, and felt so angry at him, and rejected by him, that I began to bury those vulnerable, loving, feelings that I had for him. I was trying to stop my living with constant heartbreak, because of him! Even while we were still married, it got to the point that I didn't feel, then, and for a very long time afterward, that I even still loved him at all! The best way to show you, here, how much I had emotionally distanced myself, from my husband, Jim, who had first, and continually, emotionally distanced himself from me, is to include the poem that I wrote--- about 'Dr. John'; my OB/GYN--- while I was still married to him. Jim had pushed me away, so many ways, for so long, through so much, that this is where my emotions went, when I no longer felt I could, or should, invest them in my relationship with, or love for, him. My heart had simply sought some happier place, that did not bring all the pain to it that loving Jim did. (There are some gaps, still, in the story of Jim and I, that need to be filled in, here in my Blog, at some point, but it will take still another, fourth, post, at least, to try to get the rest of that documented here!) Suffice it to say, for now, that this poem is included here, in THIS post, to clearly document the lack of emotional (or any other type of) intimacy, between my husband and I, which I have been addressing in this post. This is the very reason I think it is important to include (the words of) my poem, here and now, that I wrote about this other man, who WAS so caring toward me, whom I then became emotionally attached to, since HE was that way with me, and Jim WASN'T; and I NEEDED that! Because of all that Jim put me through, my HEART was CLEARLY NO LONGER WITH HIM, on a conscious level, by this time. As I said in my first post about him, dated 6/26/19, I wouldn't even be AWARE that I had still, and always, loved Jim, until MANY years, even DECADES, later, due to all of those bad feelings I developed toward him from how he treated me. The date on the poem tells me that our son, Jay, was only slightly younger than 5 months old, when I penned this wistful poem:
Nebraska Snow
D.G.C. / 7 Apr 82
Nebraska snow,
You warm my heart.
It wasn't like that
At the start.
I used to curse
Your icy chill;
Now I greet you
With a thrill.
Falling freely
As you do
Causes me to
Envy you.
You cover every
Inch of earth
Around us with
Your wintry worth,
And in the
Area you touch
Lives the one
I love so much.
As a blanket--
Huge, unfurled--
You blend as one
Our separate worlds.
He doesn't know
My love exists,He doesn't know
But we both share
Your wakening kiss,
So touch his cheekTho he won't see
The kiss passed on
Thru you from me.
One day, late in my pregnancy, when I was hideously huge, from Jim's child in my belly, I was very upset, after another phone call with my mother, because she was rejecting my request, of her, to come to Nebraska, to help me when the baby was born, at the time. (She did eventually agree to do it, after I had begged her on several occasions, for this needed help, while I would be adjusting to being a brand new mother.) The reason, that she gave me, was that she was upset with me, for making HER into a GRANDMOTHER, at too young of an age! She was 50, then. At 25, I was the same age she was when she had me. I was feeling alot of frustration, and anguish, for several reasons, after just getting off the phone with her, and I was trying to talk to Jim about it. I was very emotional, as I was telling him about all this, while he was just standing at the sink in the bathroom, focusing more on putting in his contacts, so that he could go out, somewhere, again; and barely acknowledging me, or my concerns. In utter dejection, feeling so disrespected, by both him and my mother, I dropped to the floor, on all fours, crying, with my big baby belly hanging down, looking like some pathetic animal, in my pain, saying to Jim, through now hysterical sobs of despair, "WHY can't you LOVE ME?!? My mother?!? YOU?!? WHY? WHY? . . . WHY?!?" Seeing me there, down on the floor like that, just outside of the bathroom where he was standing, Jim briefly started toward me, looking for a moment as if he were actually going to comfort me, which would have been a first, in our marriage. (He did comfort me, just once, when we were first dating, and I told him about my being raped.) But, then he seemed to think better of it, for whatever reason. He finished getting himself ready to go out, basically stepped over me, then, to go down the stairs, on his way out, and just left me there, down on the floor on my hands and knees, still sobbing my heart out. Just. Left. Me.
Jim did take me to play Putt Putt, and to eat out, when I was no longer as nauseous. He also liked to play Pac Man. I enjoyed watching him do that, because he looked so happy when he was doing that, like the way he used to ALWAYS be, back when we had first met, at Keesler. How I missed what he was like, back then! Most of the time, after we were married, he seemed to have whatever his fun was when he WASN'T with me. Sometimes, he did take me out with him, in the evenings, but it would be sexualized atmospheres, which left me feeling like I was a 'bloated balloon' in those places, since I was so pregnant by then. He took me to Mickey's Nite Club in downtown Omaha, sitting us right by the stage, to look upward at the go-go girls in their thong bikinis. The dancers focused on Jim and I, too, speaking to us about my being pregnant, so perhaps Jim was using my condition to his advantage! He also took me to The Max, which back then was primarily a gay bar. A girl 'hit on me', in the ladies room, right away, causing me to get really nervous, then, when Jim seemed to be taking longer in the men's room than usual. I'd always remembered him telling me about his sexual adventures with the enlisted, married, couple that he had the menage a trois with, when they were all drunk, back in Biloxi. Because of that, I saw Jim as being bisexual, not straight, and also as a high risk person to be involved with sexually. Due to the issue with my pregnancy currently causing me to be celibate, I wasn't concerned for myself, at the moment, as far as him possibly getting, and then giving me, some STD. I was worried, though, that he might have chosen to go to The Max, in the first place, to possibly make some quick connection, in the men's room, for anal or oral sex, which is why I was anxiously watching the men's room door, until he came out. I was always very aware of my having the feeling that there was nothing reassuring, to me, at all, about any aspect of my relationship with, or love for, this man, and that fact wore on me. I felt uneasy, and unsure; all the time! It was like being in water over my head, unable to touch the bottom. Although he was never physically abusive toward me, in the sense of domestic violence, I still never really felt 'safe', with him, for reasons that had to do with his behaviors, which had negatively impacted my emotional and mental well-being, and sense of sexual safety, throughout our relationship.
I became friends with the wife of one of Jim's co-workers. This couple was centered on and grounded in their strong religious faith, so decent, moral, values were the very foundation for their lives, and relationship, which she described in detail to me, during all of our phone calls together. This woman also told me that she and her husband had been out, and had seen my husband, Jim, sitting in the darkest, back corner, booth of the restaurant, all alone with some woman, whom they knew wasn't me. They felt that I should know because, for one thing, they saw this as having moral implications, and for another, with me being pregnant, any marital infidelity on his part could affect the health of both me and the baby. (They had no idea that we were prevented from having sex together, for the time being.) I recall just feeling devastated, as I heard about Jim's social activities, outside of our home and marriage; and indirectly from his co-worker, through this man's wife. Because of what our marriage was based on, I didn't feel that I had the right to really challenge him about it; even as his wife. CLEARLY, I may have LEGALLY been his spouse, but EMOTIONALLY I was NO SUCH THING, to him! I wondered if he ever thought, even one time, about how this would have felt TO HIM, if this situation was reversed. It didn't seem that he had considered that, or me, in his decisions. When he told me that he had to go TDY, somewhere completely unspecified, by him, for a couple or a few days, on one or two occasions, I didn't even believe him, by then. I felt like he was likely just staying over with some woman, or taking Leave, to go somewhere fun, with some girl, just like he had taken me to Walt Disney World with him, for a 3-day weekend, when we dated. For someone who had always cared more about what other people thought of him than almost anything else, in his life, Jim seemed to be getting more careless, or callous, about that, now. Others telling me things about seeing him out on what looked like dates, to them, had actually happened on a few separate occasions. It was EXTREMELY DISHEARTENING, for me to hear! Unlike my husband, these good people thought that I had a right to know where my husband was, both while I was pregnant and after I had the baby. Even when they said Jim had seen them, see him, he never brought it up, with me, at home, or offered any excuse or explanation, to me. I never confronted him about this, at the time, either, or asked him about it, because it was more and more clear to me that he had not married me for anything to do with love for me, which I felt gave me no real marital, or moral, ground to stand on, about it. I just mostly stayed focused on dealing with the pregnancy, and preparing for the arrival of the baby. What else could I do? For now.
I THINK that Jim was a COMMUNICATIONS officer, during his Air Force career, but if that's so, you'd never know it, by how many times, and how many things, he did not communicate to me! Considering how much I had enjoyed Jim and I talking together, the first time we met, and how openly he had talked to me, in the beginning of our relationship with one another, this was very disheartening, seeing him shut down, toward me. Looking back, I suppose that was the biggest sign that he was emotionally vacating our relationship. Remembering how Jim had shared his thoughts, and laughed, and teased me, and all the fun that we had together, in the beginning of our relationship, it was heartbreaking for me to see him shut me out, by shutting down verbally, not even telling me what was going on with him, anymore. I wondered if this behavior was due to what we women are warned about, that a man only makes an effort, with you, until he 'has' you, and then it just goes downhill, after that, because for him the thrill of 'the hunt' is over. It was a horrible feeling to simply not know WHAT to think, about any of this, with him, and have no clue as to what to do about it! I felt this behavior by him also showed that he had come to disrespect me, because I kept trying to get him to open up, to me, once again, and he simply wouldn't, anymore. That left me with conjecture, about him, but not communication, from him. All I had to go on, really, was his actions, which said alot.
He had taught me, over time, that the sweet, almost shy, Jim, whom I had fallen completely in love with, back at Keesler Air Force Base, when we first met, there, was really not the primary part of his personality; and that he was actually capable of doing almost anything, with anyone, at any time, due to indulging his carnal appetites. He took me out to eat at a Greek restaurant, for dinner one evening, which featured live entertainment. A scantily-costumed belly dancer went all around the room, between the tables, and up close to the patrons. The night that Jim took me there, I could not have been more pregnant, because, as it turned out, I would go into labor the very next night. I was uncomfortable, I felt unattractive and certainly ANYTHING BUT 'sexy'. As Jim kept his eyes glued to every sinuous move of the dancer's rhythmic, curvaceous hips, leaving me to feel virtually invisible, to him, despite how HUGE I was with (his) child, now, I felt something in me reach a Breaking Point, and I honestly think that was the moment when I realized that I definitely wanted to divorce him. Soon, I would spend 27 hours, laboring to bring his son into the world, beginning at 10 PM the very next night. Even with THAT RIGHT UPON US now, his attention was never focused on me. Nor was he affirming me, comforting me, or, seemingly, caring about me. For a man who had once brought me such complete joy and deep fulfillment, Jim had now become someone who left me feeling heartbroken and inadequate, instead. I knew I deserved better! His INDIFFERENT treatment of me caused me to rise up in anger, and in one very heated conversation, that I had with him, in our bedroom one evening, I literally had a 'knee-jerk reaction', to his insensitivity to me! This was after the baby had been born, when I was feeling more like myself, again, with my injured self-esteem improving, now, along with that. We were finally having that fight about his going out all the time, and about my being told by concerned friends that they saw him out, with women, in secluded booths, and such. In my complete exasperation with, and rage toward, him, my knee suddenly came up, and connected with his crotch. As he fell to the floor, going into a fetal position, holding his private parts, temporarily paralyzed by the pain, I simply stepped over him, leaving HIM, there, on the floor, THIS time, and walked out of our bedroom, to go do some chores, after saying to him "YOU are NOTHING but a MALE WHORE!!!" I was SO SICK OF THIS CRAP, with him, that I didn't even feel sorry at all about doing that. I didn't trust him. I didn't want him. I didn't even think that I still loved him. I. Was. Fed. UP!
He lived to be liked, and well thought of. His perceived reputation, with others, mattered more to him than the practical reality of it. His personality was at once both complex and elementary. He did outrageous acts, at times, in those social settings where he intuitively understood that he would be accepted, in that behavior, but would chastise me for falling below his otherwise high (but superficial!) standards. Some examples would be: he took me to a piano bar, when we were in Biloxi, and bought me extremely (good, but) potent drinks, then suddenly frowning with disapproval, at me, and, of me, because those drinks, naturally, had affected me, he took me home (to have sex with me), while telling me, on the way there, that I had embarrassed him because I slurred a word, when I answered our waitress, although he admitted I WAS IN NO WAY RUDE TO HER, AT ALL! He used to LOVE my being playfully provocative, with him, showing peeks, of me, while wearing my dresses, when we dated. But, after we were married, and I'd had the baby (looking like my size 6 self, again!), I bent over, very briefly, just to pick up something lying in the yard, rather than daintily stoop down, knees bent, in the more 'ladylike' manner, and he 'jumped down my throat', about that, immediately, and critically, while looking all around, warily, out of his concern that the neighbors, whom we didn't even know, anyway, might be watching from their windows, and might possibly be saying that he had some TART for a wife; which was about HIM, in his mind; NOT about ME. If I felt any embarrassment, at all, from neighbors possibly seeing us, out on the front lawn, together, just then, it would have been from my feeling humiliated that others were seeing how very unloving my husband was behaving toward me. Considering the FACT that Jim had OFTEN behaved WAY WORSE than ANYTHING I HAD EVER DONE, over the course of our relationship, but THEN THOUGHT that HE had the RIGHT to CRITIQUE ME, in such a way as this, was very reminiscent of his father's double standard, regarding behaviors, and I WAS NOT HAVING THAT, NOW, from HIM! My overall opinion of Jim's behaviors was FAR worse than HIS could EVER be, of MINE.
Meanwhile, by this time, our baby was born, and I was home, mostly alone, taking care of him, 24/7. Jim was VERY INTO HAVING FUN, after all, and nothing about our situation was that, to him. It wasn't really for me, either, but he didn't seem to consider or care about that fact. One evening, Jay was lying on his back, in his crib, wriggling out of pure delight, and trilling loudly, from sheer joy, in the most adorable way! He had never made that particular sound before this. Since babies develop and change very rapidly, you have to catch, and cherish, these precious, often non-repeatable, moments, like this one was, as they come, before they're gone! But Jim didn't show ANY interest in his small, sweet, son, doing that. I was standing in the doorway of the nursery, because I didn't want the baby to stop, if he should see me there, listening to the obvious expression of his happiness. Jim was just a few feet away from me, at the bathroom sink, putting in his contacts to go out somewhere, again. With the baby still trilling, delightedly, which was totally captivating me, as soon as Jim had his contacts in, he hurried past me, and our baby, without a word; with NO acknowledgement of EITHER ONE OF US; and LEFT. That was so hurtful, to me, that he did that. Jay was innocently oblivious, to what was happening in our home, and he continued to make this joyful noise, in his crib, while Jim went out the door.
To ADD to my feeling hurt and rejected, from Jim's doing this type of thing, he REMAINED very verbal and open with OTHERS; which even INCLUDED OUR DOG, Butterbar, whenever he was home. BUT NOT WITH ME! Eventually, I quit trying to get him to open up to me, anymore, and I stopped communicating with him much, after that, tired of my being on that very lonely, one-way street for so long now. He had started using this silent treatment, and the seemingly indifferent unresponsiveness to my concerns, when we were both stationed at Keesler, to shut me down, and blow me off, whenever I would be upset about some of his 'having it both ways' behaviors, while he had me living with him, for all intents and purposes, as his girlfriend, as he did those. I had HATED that pattern, when it had developed between us, then, and I hated it just as much now; maybe more, since we were, after all, MARRIED NOW. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE, with him! I felt like this pattern that we were in was like me saying to him that "You can mistreat me, and I will ask for more, by sticking around, since you won't talk to me about it, and you won't stop doing it." This nightmare, for me, was the SAME painful pattern our relationship had fallen into, back in Biloxi. I just couldn't, and wouldn't, do it anymore, not only because it was just too painful for me, but because nothing good EVER came of my doing that, in my relationship with him. I came to believe that he did this to me deliberately, knowing that it DROVE ME AWAY, so that I WOULD, yet again, be the one to OUTWARDLY end our relationship, juat like it was with us at Keesler. With him always so concerned with what others thought, ABOUT HIM, and anything that REFLECTED ON him, he would not want to 'get the blame', so to speak, especially with us being married, and having a child, now. This way, by his PROVOKING ME TO END IT, due to his behaviorally exiting our relationship, until I felt I had NO CHOICE, his associates could hear his sad sob story, and he would be consoled, maybe even congratulated, by them, then; but not blamed. In truth, HE had ALREADY ENDED the relationship, the marriage, between us, both by what he was doing, and not doing, toward me.
When Jim would stay home in the evening, after he came home from work, he would usually start playing with our poodle, Butterbar, training her to do more tricks for him; PRAISING HER in the most LOVING WAY! I would sit watching this, with tears in my eyes. Jim didn't even tell me about his day, or ask about mine, or show much of any interest in our baby, Jay. I was doing the best that I could, with a VERY difficult situation, but Jim NEVER had a KIND word, and certainly not any PRAISE, for ME. Only for the DOG! Butterbar seemed to become Jim's pet, along the way. She adored him, as I did, only HE WAS NICE TO HER. I became resentful of, and even jealous toward, my own little dog! That was so pathetic, but so understandable, as well, given how completely deprived I was of any affection, or even just affirmation, from Jim, while she got both of those things, and more, from him. I was the one caring for her, feeding her, and cleaning up after her, while Jim even refused to put the oily drops from her vet in her ears, because SHE HATED THAT so much! She would snap and snarl, at ME, because I WAS LEFT TO DO THIS 'DIRTY DEED' to her. (She had ear mites, which led to what seemed like incessant rounds of drops, and oily ears, for her. She also had a serious heart murmur, which had required surgery, which I will cover in another post.) She came to view me as someone she didn't want around her, because I represented her pain and frustration from the ear drops being rubbed into her ears so frequently, even though I was doing it out of love for her, and for her own good, which she probably couldn't understand. But she saw Jim as her fun, loving, person, who never hurt her. He would talk with her, and laugh with her, and show affection to her. ALL the communication and socialization that he refused to do with me, anymore. Just like how he had charmed me, at first, she was shown only his fun side, and adored him for that.
I was literally AFRAID of how attracted to Jim I was, both while I was trying to protect the fetus, by abstaining from sex with him during the pregnancy, and when I was deciding to divorce him, because, sexual attraction or not, between us, he had consistently behaved, especially during the marriage, in ways that conveyed to me that he DID NOT WANT TO BE there! IN IT. WITH ME. His reasons were never clear to me, but the fact that he acted out that he HAD REASONS to FEEL that way, was enough, for me to SET HIM FREE, to find what he DID want for himself, and his life. I was letting go of someone that I was still deeply in love with, because it was very obvious to me that he wasn't happy, and either didn't love me, or want me, or both, if in fact he ever really had. I wanted him to be happy, and apparently for him that was not with me. I also didn't want to live my life with a miserable person, tied to me, who didn't really want to be with me, causing me to constantly feel unloved and rejected; and who would, behaviorally at least, continually be reminding me that, for them, I wasn't worth, or worthy of, their love. Of course, Jim's HURTING ME SO MUCH during our relationship, by these behaviors, causing me to feel disrespected and unloved by him, went a long way to 'strongly encouraging' me to JUST LET GO of him. It WASN'T just a one-sided decision, by ME, to end our marriage. Jim had actually ended it, behaviorally, before I finally ended it, officially, to move on with my own life, as best I could. I took my cues from, and made my decisions by, Jim's actions and attitudes, because I didn't want a one-way love relationship, even though I loved him more than any person on this planet. Since he was barely communicating with me verbally, about anything, his actions and attitudes were all I had to go by, in gauging the situation between us, for me to know whether he even wanted to remain married to me, or revert to our original agreement, for me to have the baby, then take it, and leave. The future I faced WITH Jim wasn't one that I wanted.
In my heart of hearts, I have always felt that Jim was a precious person, to me, and that I loved him; and even still do, in a SWEET and SAD, forever, kind of way. I would say that he touched my heart, by his at least trying to deal with all these things that came along, and complicated his life (as well as mine!). Perhaps due to HIS OWN PAIN, from all of this, he had grown quiet, with me, because of something like that old adage speaks about, which says 'If you can't say something nice about someone (or something), then DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL'. I felt very shut out, rejected, and lonely, then, with him, because he wasn't really talking to me about anything that he was thinking and feeling; about us, the baby, or me. Maybe he was actually trying to SPARE me, rather than DEPRIVE me, by his ceasing to communicate with me about what was in his heart then. I don't know. I will likely NEVER know. But, UNDERNEATH ALL OF IT, I think that he did the best he could; and I thought that was sweet, and very good, of him, to TRY; and THAT REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART. THAT is what I felt, about him, ALL ALONG, only it was BURIED DEEP BENEATH ALL MY HURT AND ANGER! I hadn't WANTED to get pregnant. I hadn't WANTED a marriage based on a BABY, and not because I WAS LOVED, especially when I LOVED THIS MAN. I had not wanted our good times to be bulldozed, and buried, by others' opinions about us; or made second place to superficial things. BOTH of us were trying to make the best of this bad situation, then, but EMOTIONALLY we had STOPPED BEING THERE FOR EACH OTHER, and it HURT! He did a good job of hiding himself from me, in our marriage, emotionally speaking. Perhaps he wasn't being his charming self with me, anymore, to help wean me from my loving him, so I would be ready to let go, and leave. (Well, I did let go, and leave, divorcing him, but I still NEVER stopped loving him!) Sometimes, due to my anger toward him, I felt like maybe I had given my whole heart to some guy who was just another jerk; and I couldn't bring myself to admit that, even to myself. What I actually think is closer to the truth is that Jim was a good man underneath it all. He is also the one that taught me HOW DEEPLY I COULD LOVE another person! Because of all that he was, to me, he will always be precious to me. There is just no getting around that. When we dated, Jim was even my own, private, Sex Therapist, successfully taking me from my Rape Trauma frigidity to near nymphomania; restoring my own sexuality to me so that I could fully express myself as a whole human being, then, during my life. In that sense, he made other relationships possible for me, by giving me my 'unlocked' body back! But he kept my heart. And to this very day, I continue to pay a painful price, for my relationship with him, and it seems like it shall be that way forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment
This Blog is more like a personal journal, with its very detailed, and honest, look at my various life experiences, and how those, and the people involved in them, have impacted me. In creating and sharing this Blog with you, it is my hope that each of us will fully appreciate the remarkable power that a word has, for us, and from us. My prayer is that we are all affected by that truth, for better. I appreciate your input, and interaction, here. [Please note that Comment Moderation is activated.]