When I began this Blog, publishing the first post of it here 31 weeks ago, I had never done this before. I have already deeply dealt with and psychologically processed alot of things here as I have worked on each post about my life experiences, and how those, and the people involved in them, have affected me, with the effects of sin in our lives being the bottom line, to all these things, and God, by His grace, salvation, mercy, and help, being the redeeming factor. ( “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28). For some of the longer posts, it took me the full week, from morning until late at night, every day, even doing 'All-Nighters', a few times, to meet what became my self-imposed deadline to post every week on Wednesdays. (I met that goal, too, except I accidentally deleted the July 3rd post, and I had to re-post it, on the 4th, of July.) I am a disciplined person, especially about things that are important, to me. After seeing what it takes, to do this, I doubt that most people could have, or would have, taken this much time, and made the extreme effort, that I have, to cover this much ground in the same amount of time about this many things, and held to this schedule to publish weekly. Most of the blogs I have seen online are either intermittent, or monthly, and most of those posts are much shorter in length than many of mine. They also usually have double-spaced lines, are often more filled with photos, and even ads, than the text, and are not always the type of topics that I have dug down deep to discuss here in my Blog. Theirs might look professional, but MINE has HEART!
Those are not single-spaced, and worked into blocks, of paragraphs, either, like my Blog is for the most part. I have wondered myself why I have done mine is such a different looking format, from all the other blogs that I have seen online. I think it comes from several factors: I had NO idea HOW to blog, when I first started this, and I actually had not paid alot of attention, to how other people were doing theirs, as I began mine, because mine was mine!--- an expression of who and what I am, as a person--- and represents me. The format became my signature style, for this. Although I even wondered, about this, some, myself, I came to think that the eccentric if not neurotic (with either term actually describing me) appearance, of my Blog, had to do with newspapers, printing articles into columns, and making the words fit that defined and confined space to keep it orderly and neat. I like things to be orderly and neat! Another similarity, to that source of print inspiration, for me, is that this Blog is fact not fiction. EVERYTHING in this Blog is TRUE, and if someone asserts that it is not, because of whatever motive that they may have (such as being mentioned, in it, in an unfavorable light, because they became part of MY story, and THAT is what I am telling, here) it says nothing about me, but it would show that they have something to hide and/or they don't want the truth to be believed for whatever personal reason.
Whether now or in Eternity, when we, each, stand before God, the truth WILL come out, so we may as well get used to that, now. It is what it is. I cannot say, for sure, but I think that perhaps another factor, involved in the appearance of my Blog, has been that, as I delved into all these things, about my life, which I often had little or no control over as they happened, my squaring these paragraphs symbolized my simultaneous struggle to square them, with me, emotionally, precisely because I could not control the actual events as they unfolded and affected me in my life, as they all did. This very precise neatness, of appearance, about it, was a diversion, to my having to describe so many events which I often had no real control over, distracting me, from the pain involved in alot of it which I had to relive to write about, by giving me the challenge of choosing the words, to tell my story here, that I could still square off, in my format. We have to feel that some things in life remain in our control, or we would lose our minds, from feeling out of control, altogether, and the intense vulnerability, from that. While I typed, and squared each paragraph, along the way, I was also squaring myself with the reality, of those memories, and whatever emotions I felt because of them, as I was coming to terms with these things in ways that helped me, greatly, but were also very hard for me to deal with. There is a reason there is that expression "the HARD truth", and why so many would rather live a lie, than face the truth.
While working on this Blog, and going back in time, in my memories, and emotions, to when I was different ages, and at different stages, in my life, I saw some things which I had not seen before, about some of the people and events. Some, of those revelations, I shared here, and some of them I didn't, often because the particular post involved was already so lengthy and I didn't think that the new insights would make alot of difference now. So, I have learned alot in my blogging, about myself and others and my relationships with others as I typed for hours of almost every day, while plowing through this backlog of partially-unprocessed emotions, from my memories. I can see why one of my VA counselors recommended that I WRITE about my life experiences, because this HAS been VERY helpful for me to do. This has also been very difficult for me to do. It takes courage, and vulnerability, to face, and describe, all these things from my life. It takes alot of time and effort too. The one thing which has taken up most of my waking hours, day in and day out, for 7 full months now has been this blogging. Life has to be about balance, or it doesn't work well. I have been sleep-deprived; renewed subscriptions for magazines, and ordered interesting books, none of which I have had time to read. I didn't go on walks outdoors on beautiful days, to finish posts, and lived much more like a hermit while I have been sitting here doing this. What I 'got out of my system' here made that huge sacrifice of time worth it, but there are only so many hours in a day, and I am already 63(1/2) years old now, so every moment, of every day, feels even more precious, to me, now, than when I was young and, like all young people seem to, believed that I would have all the time in the world, to do all that I wanted to do, in this life. I can already see that I can never cook all the recipes, see all the places, get involved in all the activities, or learn all the new things, that interest me, and that I want to participate in, in this one lifetime on Earth! It just goes by too fast for all that.
I need to use my time as wisely as possible, and with everything that this Blog has helped me to process, this HAS been a GOOD USE of this time. However, everything has good and bad, to it, and my blogging has also thrown my life out of balance, in a way that is now affecting my health in certain ways. Besides the sleep deprivation, I haven't eaten as well as I usually try to do, when I take the time to cook fresh foods, from scratch, with no preservatives in it. I almost do not exercise at all, anymore, because I am sitting here typing, whereas I exercised EVERY DAY before I began blogging. Alot of my muscle tone is gone now in parts where I was always fit, and strong, before. I have also developed almost constant pain, in my right hand, and I am right handed, so this is a real, ongoing, problem, for me, since I live all alone, and have to do everything, that gets done here, myself, from brushing my teeth, and hair, to cooking, chores, and, well, EVERYTHING! (I cry about that, occasionally, because I feel overwhelmed, by that, at times.) The pain in my hand has progressed, from all the use of it as I type here, to being a pain that is now all the way up my entire right arm and into my right shoulder; and, the pain is bad enough to keep me awake at night. That is a sure sign that I NEED to take a break, from blogging, for awhile, which is what this post is telling you. It has harmed me physically to blog.
I don't want to stop blogging, altogether. There is still so MUCH left to cover, about my life. We were almost to the part about me becoming a dancer, in the nightclubs, which is an interesting chapter, and I very much want to tell you about my cockatiel, CeeBee, who God sent me, by a real miracle, and he saved my life, then lived with me for the most wonderful 2 decades, of my life (which was largely because of HIM!). I still have to cover ALOT MORE, including the last 2, of my 4, husbands, both of which are mentioned in the post dated 3/6/19 titled "Two Memories I Have From My Marriages". I also worked awhile as a live-in nanny, and have lived in several places, although God ultimately always brought me back to Omaha, for some reason, which I am STILL NOT SURE ABOUT. I have already included some of my earlier writings from when I was younger, when those were appropriate for the Blog post, they were added to, but my later writings improved (LOL) alot, from those, I think, and I will be using those in future Blog posts. There are even more subjects, than these, remaining, for me to cover, in this Blog, but for the last month, now, at the very least, I have felt, very much, like I really NEED to TAKE A BREAK from doing this, for awhile, to try to heal and to get a healthier BALANCE back in my life again. The holidays are rapidly approaching. Only 14 weeks, from TODAY, is New Year's Day, 2020! I have holiday shopping to do, VA appointments to go to, and alot of other things to take care of, without feeling that I am neglecting my current weeks' post, as I go, and get those things done.
One day, I clicked on all the various things on my Blogger website, to see what they were and did, and that's when I saw the Stats page. After that I began to peek at it sometimes, and was truly SHOCKED when I saw that I had real-life READERS of my Blog now! I was confused by that, too, because whenever I did GOOGLE searches myself, to see if I could also pull up my Blog online, I couldn't even FIND it without using the direct link to it in the Search. So, HOW, I have always wondered, did ANY of YOU readers EVER even FIND MY BLOG to BEGIN with, to READ IT?!? Because I was VERY curious, about that, I added a way for you to EMAIL ME, through my Blog Profile page. Then because the whole world uses social media sites I added accounts for those as well, although I don't like using those because to me they feel like 'junk food' to my SOUL, and leave me feeling anxious after I am on them instead of happy, so I am never sure if I will keep those or not. I was previously on social media sites, until I deleted ALL those accounts in 2011. I felt ALOT happier, after those were out of my life, even though I lost touch with some of my friends, then (since everybody does everything online, now, it seems!). YOU, the readers of my Blog, are very special to me, because you are real people, living real lives, like I am, who stop by my Blog and spend time with me telling you about what life is like for me. I wonder quite often what life is like for you, as well. The Stats page shows the country the readers are from and what OS and Browser was used to read the Blog but it doesn't show who you are or anything personal about you. Some of you have become regular readers of my Blog, and I thank you, for coming alongside me, here, and sharing my life story, by inviting me, through my Blog, into your life story! You readers are not just here in the United States. You're in Germany, Portugal, Canada, the Netherlands, Belgium, Ukraine, the United Kingdom, Peru, Brazil, Japan, France, Sweden, and Poland. I also have been curious whether you all speak English, or whether you use some translator program, to read this. I am still amazed that ANY of you were able to FIND this Blog online, at all, without any SEO, or labels, done to help that!
When I started the Blog, even though it is online I never thought about anyone else being able to find it and read it, among the many billions of things which are on the world wide web. I told my son, Jay, about it, just before I began it, and after he visited the site once and groused that he 'didn't want to read about himself like he was in a book', I told him (since it isn't REQUIRED reading, anyway, LOL) that, if he didn't like it, THEN (my 4/3/19 post about birthing him, called "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free . . . "), that HE definitely would NOT like what else was coming, in this Blog, and that therefore HE shouldn't READ it! It appeared that he DID revisit it one other time, after that, because my Stats page showed a Blog viewer in the country that he lives in, now, about 3 months after that, but I have not seen that Stat, again, since then. I think that was just before I started writing the series of posts about his father, Jim, so I don't believe that he has seen any of those. Everything that I said about him was ALL true, though, and I'm not about to LIE, to make ANYONE, even MYSELF, feel better, about all this CRAP, in my life! There is always a price to be paid, by someone, whenever a lie is told. So, as I worked on my Blog, week in and week out, I was really just writing it for myself, although it is handy that it is included now, by its web address, in my VA medical records, because it deals with things that affect my (mental, emotional, and physical) health and my counselors are at the VA, including one of the staff pastors. At this point, my Blog has never been search engine optimized, at all, or had labels or tags attached, to the posts, to make them easier to find in an online search. I will be doing that soon, though, as I should be able to find some time for that, now that I won't be writing posts, for awhile (so, hopefully, what has become chronic pain, for me, can heal!). I decided to do those because of you, my readers, which are apparently all around the world! I was simply blogging, about my life, so I could process all the things that I have been through, since the internalized effects, of all that, had been negatively affecting my health. Because of my blogging I've gotten so much 'out of my system' that I had been carrying inside for so long.
For at least the last month I have known, for sure, that I really need to take a break from doing this, for awhile, though. I don't want to spend the Holiday season reliving what is, so often, for me, painful memories, as that time of year already seems to heighten nostalgia, and angst, in us humans, as it is. My arm is going to need a while, to heal, also. So, I am planning, to begin blogging again, God Willing, just after New Year's. By then the Holidays will be over; hopefully the pain in my hand, arm, and shoulder that developed from my blogging so much, for so long, will be healed; and I will have read some magazines, and books, sang some songs, gotten the muscle tone back, in my body, and will be feeling more up to the task, of dealing with all these things that I am writing about, here. I get 'cabin fever', in the winter months, too, so having the distraction of blogging, again, then, can help get me through those cold, snowy, icy months, of January, February, March, and usually April (sometimes even May!). I have gotten in the habit of sitting down here every day, and blogging, now, so I am sure that I will miss doing this, alot, during the next couple of months, that I am taking a break, from it, but I KNOW that I NEED to do this; to take a rest from it, for awhile, now. Hopefully, I will see you, here, again, in the New Year! In the meantime, if you are willing to answer my questions about how you even FOUND this Blog online, and how you are reading/translating it, into your language, if you are, I would appreciate that information. Also, if you simply want to send me an email, for any reason, you can do that any time, through the "Email me" link on my Blog's Profile page. You can find that by going to the main page of my Blog, then, on the right hand side, just before "Blog Archive", click on where it says "View my complete profile". On that page, on the left hand side, under my photo, click on "Contact me Email". I usually check my email every day unless the WiFi is down again, here. >sigh!< The landlord provides us tenants with FREE WiFi, but it is so often UNUSABLE, due to the drain, on it, of all the tenants sharing it at once, and sometimes it has technical glitches, with the equipment that provides it, to us, as well. So, just know that IF you do message me, I will respond to you when I see it there. You MATTER! You are important to God and to me! I wish you all the most BLESSED of Holidays and I am planning, God Willing, to see you, back here, on this very personal journey, through my life, just after the New Year!
Love, Deborah
P.S. If there are any changes, or an update, to what I have told you, here in this post, I will let you know, underneath this post, where it says "Post a Comment". By the way, when I started this Blog, and was just writing for myself, here, I didn't have it enabled, for ANY Comments. I ADDED THAT FEATURE, to it, when I realized that each of YOU were here, reading this, so that YOU could contact me that way, as well, by posting a Comment after the post, with your thoughts, or questions, about what you read, or, about me . . . . So, feel free, to contact me!
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
5 comments:
This Blog is more like a personal journal, with its very detailed, and honest, look at my various life experiences, and how those, and the people involved in them, have impacted me. In creating and sharing this Blog with you, it is my hope that each of us will fully appreciate the remarkable power that a word has, for us, and from us. My prayer is that we are all affected by that truth, for better. I appreciate your input, and interaction, here. [Please note that Comment Moderation is activated.]
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UPDATE: Once I took a break from my weekly blogging, here, it became clear that my nearly constant physical pain, in my right hand, arm, and shoulder, as well as in both knees, was directly linked to, or exacerbated by, my long hours of sitting at my PC, writing my blog posts, as well as vein/pain issues in my left leg worsening, from that. My time away from doing this, for the last several weeks, has resulted in a good deal of physical healing, and with that a lessening of pain, from these issues. However, I am going to try to do one post a month, going forward, instead of the one every week, which I did for 7 straight months, for this Blog. I will begin that change soon, by posting one for this month of October, which I have not yet started writing. I will see how that affects my health, and the overall balance of activities in my life, as well, which taking this break from writing also greatly improved. Since this Blog was begun by me to help with my overall sense of well-being, and holistic health (body, soul, spirit), by dealing with and coming to terms with various events from my life and the people involved in those, it is very important that it continue to be a positive addition to my life, a true help to me, and a good use of my time. Being 63 now, time has become a precious commodity that is often at the forefront of my thoughts as I decide how best to spend it, each day. Life goes by so fast, and once the time is spent, regardless of how that is, it is gone forever. I still have so many interests, hobbies, travels, and other things, that I hope to address and/or accomplish in whatever time I have left on this Earth, and only God knows how long that is.
ReplyDeleteI began writing my 32nd Blog post, today, the one that I have set as my writing goal for October. It does hurt my physical body to sit at the PC to do my blogging, and I have already had to take aspirin for that pain, twice, today, as I am starting back doing this again, now. For health reasons, I have set a much more limited goal, of doing one post a month, now, instead of one post every week. Even before I began to blog, I feel more aches and pains during the colder weather, as it is. In addition to that starting up again, this time of year, I was already experiencing the extremely problematic physical pain as I tried previously, during those 31 straight weeks, to keep up that weekly Blog posting goal, through the warm weather months, until I was finally forced to take a break from it, for the last few weeks, at the start of Autumn. due to the constant pain I was in by then. So, while it helps my soul, to process what I have been through in life, by blogging, I am also facing physical challenges, doing this, and will have to adjust accordingly, meaning that if I begin to get that constant pain in my right hand, arm, and shoulder, again, from doing this, which also kept me awake much of every night, affecting my health overall, then I will be forced to take another, and possibly longer, break from my blogging. I had become quite anxious, before I took that break from this, that it would be permanent physical pain, for me, so I was very relieved to see that those pains all disappeared, though slowly, over weeks, once I stopped sitting here to write, then. I cannot allow myself to redevelop those 24 hour a day strains and pains on my body, again, which caused those continual sleepless nights. My health--- body, soul, and spirit--- is very important to me. So. as I begin to write again, I will simply have to see how much of this I can do, and how often. Thank you for your understanding, those of you who follow my Blog. Your prayers are also always appreciated!
ReplyDelete[This Comment will have to be posted in sections to get it all in here:] This is a Facebook post, that I wrote to my friends, about my writing this blog: "Without apology to anyone, I promote my blog posts, now, especially if it's about something that I know alot of other people are struggling with in their lives. I was first told to write about my life experiences by one of my VA counselors, the summer of 2017, when I ended up in a homeless shelter, and then the VAMC, before I finally got A HOME again (this apt. I live in now). It was to be--- and has been-- part of my own PTSD, and anxiety, issues therapy. It took me awhile to start writing though, because I had writer's cramp from doing so much Journaling, throughout my life,and I was 'over it'; that way. When I got this PC up and running, just over a year ago, now (so, Winter, 2019), I started to notice people's blogs online. I didn't know much about (doing) it, but I did know that typing is alot easier than writing something out. I prayed, about writing about my life, that way, and felt the Lord leading me to do so; so I did.
ReplyDeleteMy blog looks very different from all other blogs online--- because I didn't know what I was doing, except what God told me to do!--- but I was only writing it for an audience of one--- ME--- so that didn't bother me, as I liked it, and that was all. I didn't even know how to use all the 'bells and whistles' in the Blogger software (still don't; some of them!), but I poured my heart and soul into telling my truth, week after week after week for [I think it was 7 months straight, that I wrote a (long) blog post weekly!]. Looking back, I don't even know how that much came out of me, that frequently, for that long! It just really showed me that I had gone though my entire life being shut down, by other people, and silenced; just stuffing what was inside me, then; keeping it all in. That had begun raising my blood pressure, causing heart arrhythmia, and other holistic health issues. So, I guess that, when it was finally ALLOWED (by God, the VA, and ME) to COME OUT OF ME, it just gushed out, like a bunch of backlogged pus in my soul.
There are literally billions of things posted on the internet, from all around the world, so I didn't even have any idea, until several months into it, that I even had READERS of my blog! I just clicked on some of the unknown things on the Blogger site page, one day, out of curiosity, and saw that! Not just from the U.S., but OTHER COUNTRIES! I was TWO things, about that: AMAZED, and HUMBLED. I continue telling my story, for ME, in my blog, and my BP has been much better, and my mental and emotional health has improved some as I get stronger, in who I am; as I stand up for myself, and 'say it like it is', for me! Everyone has to find their own way to cope with this life. THIS has become MY method.
I remember seeing that my blog had readers--- from 9 countries!--- at one point. Also, as I continued learning more about how to blog (since I now had READERS, that I felt responsible for ministering to, as well, WHILE I tell my life story), I learned about 'promoting a blog'. Because my readership kept growing (it is currently at READERS FROM 23 COUNTRIES!), and many of them come back, month after month, I saw a real need, in other people's lives, for the truths I was telling (that most people will not ever even SAY OUT LOUD, mainly because they want to be approved of, more than to be real, so they are afraid to put themselves out there, like I do). I wanted to get the posts out there, available, to let some other sufferer know that they are not alone; they are not the only one; they are not crazy; they are not without worth; etc.
Somehow, by the Grace of God--- Who led me to write this blog, in the first place, KNOWING ME SO WELL and WHAT I WOULD BE SAYING, in it, even before I did!--- people were being Led to, and finding, my blog; and IT WAS SPEAKING TO THEM in their own lives! That continues to amaze and humble me, constantly! As I realized that it was helping some people, I wanted to get the word out (literally) to help more people, since I am trying to get free, and heal from deep wounds, by what I write, and it may well be helping them get free, in their lives, as well. I often wonder, as I see the list of people, reading my post, at any given time, what their lives, in their cities, and countries, are like, for them; and I hope that something I share, in the raw and real way that I do, from the depths of my own soul, helps them to also 'keep on keepin' on'.
ReplyDeleteWhile I do, now, promote my blog, as best I can, and as much as I can, for these reasons, I have not monetized my blog, to earn money from it. I sit and type for many hours, over several days, often 'til my hands and back and neck ache, to say what I feel is in my heart to say, each post that I write. All I get from that is that it is helping to heal some of the huge amount of heartbreak that I have, and, that, by God's amazing Grace, it seems to be resonating with other people on this planet, as well. I am not at all a rich person. I qualify as someone somewhere in the poverty level; financially. I am rich in my relationship with God, though, who IS my life, my everything, and my all-in-all!
So, if and when you see me posting that my blog post is now online, or sharing an excerpt from it, or anything that might seem to you to be self-promotion, or ego, or whatever, and it turns you off, as my somehow not being humble enough, or whatever judgement you assign to my actions, I would ask you, two things: What are YOU, personally, really laying on the line, of YOURself, to minister to this hurting world? Post some funny memes that are cute (and I appreciate them, when you do, because they make me laugh and I need that!), but not share your own, real and raw, testimony, because you'd rather judge than be judged? Why would it be a bad thing, in your OPINION of ME, if, in my amazement and excitement, that I DO have worldwide readers that get something out of what I have to say, I also felt a twinge of positive self-esteem, about that? That all my hard, and often heartbreaking, work is being recognized, and appreciated, 'out there somewhere'? DO NOT take someone's SELF-ESTEEM from them, because in your mind you take it as them having 'an EGO'.
I grew up in a home that didn't nurture, or even allow, positive self-esteem, and I have paid HUGE prices for that being 'the little voice in my head' my WHOLE life. So, I'm just letting you know that I REALLY don't need any little jabs about why YOU think I should 'hide my little light under a bushel barrel' now, because, if it shines, I might develop an ego. Please do NOT be CONCERNED that, if I actually am ALLOWED to FEEL that self-esteem, FINALLY, that it might somehow GO TO MY HEAD! It is way past time that I actually felt, experienced, and operated from some sense of self worth. Do NOT do what people have done to me MY WHOLE LIFE and (try to) make that out to be something that I am not ALLOWED to FEEL. I do NOT think that clinging to POOR self-esteem is scriptural, God's best for me, or what a friend would want me to feel about myself. Hopefully a friend would celebrate me, AND celebrate ME celebrating 'ME!'
[This is the final section of the Facebook post I wrote, that I Copy and Pasted here, for my blog readers to see. It has taken me three Comments, altogether, to fit it into this space, for you. It shows you, clearly that I AM WHO I AM, ALL the time:] I don't know if anyone will read this, but I at least had my say: I AM going to SHINE, CHEER MYSELF ON, and be EXCITED that I actually have VALUE; at this point, in my life! It's been a LONG time COMING, for me! I AM going to promote the heck out of my blog, too, as MUCH as I learn HOW to, along the way, because it is BLESSING SOMEONE OUT THERE--- including alot of people that I don't even know!--- ALL AROUND THIS HURTING WORLD; and aren't we supposed to be DOING that, in this life? If my doing that REALLY BOTHERS you, then I suggest you UNFRIEND ME. If you are my friend, on here, it is BECAUSE I LOVE YOU for YOU! If you can't or don't LOVE ME, FOR ME, then WHY are you MY friend?--- because I AM GOING TO BE ME! IMPERFECT, AMAZING ME! I am standing up and CHEERING MYSELF ON, right NOW! Join me, or don't; but DON'T STOP ME, or put me down for it, either. I don't need that! From anyone. Especially not from my friends. Just sayin'." - Deborah Gayle (Deb) Robinson [P.S. I have 2 Pinterest accounts: "Deborah Gayle Robinson" and "Deb Robinson", with some similarities and some differences in the Boards and Pins they have, that reveal more about who I am and what I think and feel, including a Board titled "So 'ME'!"]
ReplyDelete