Since Adam blamed Eve for his own sin, in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:6-13), when God confronted them both about their sin, the name of the game has been blame. However, to muddy the waters even more, on the issue of who is actually at fault, there are also some assertions that are bandied about as truisms, which clearly state otherwise, such as: "People blame their environment. There is only one person to blame — and only one — themselves." - Robert Collier; "No one is to blame. It is neither their fault nor ours. It's the misfortune of being born when a whole world is dying." - Alexander Herzen; "No one is a failure until they blame somebody else." - Charles Jones "Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one is to blame." - Erica Jong, and so on. It is very easy to blame others; but don't those people who come through our lives, in any way, whether, they are, tiptoeing, traipsing, or trampling, bear the responsibility, for what they said or did that had an impact and an effect on us for good or bad? As someone who has spent my lifetime bearing the brunt, and paying high prices for, being made the scapegoat and a villain, after I have been being victimized by others, I'm more than tired, of people putting their sin and guilt off onto me. It is theirs! I have my own flaws, and failings, to deal with, and take responsibility for. Penalizing me for their shortcomings and sins too, is both unfair and unrighteous.
Alli summed it up well in a recent Tweet and gave me permission to share it here:
Alli R @alli_redmond · 3h
I get really tired of people holding me responsible for the situation when I’m not the one who abused someone or covered-up that abuse.
I’m tired of the gaslighting - The fact that I’ve been made out to be the problem, when I didn’t create the problem.
They would love to convince others, and even us, as their victims, that it's all our fault. Biblically speaking, a scapegoat* is to bear the burdens of others' sins cast upon them. This indoctrination affects the course of our life and our relationships especially if, or when, we become so beaten down from this continual disavowing we get from others, who refuse to acknowledge or accept the truth, that, despite our knowing better, somewhere deep inside we begin to believe that, we actually do deserve this treatment, somehow, even though neither us or the others doing their best to make us feel this way, can ever come up with any real reason for it. Even society itself can treat us in ways that reinforce that it is our 'deserved' lot, making it difficult, if not impossible, to be successful, or achieve our goals in life.
This, is one of my pet peeves. That, people try to insinuate, or instigate, such an outrageous injustice in order to deflect, their own, responsibility, in the matter, if they were involved; or if they're a bystander in some sense, they merely absolve their preferred person in some sort of dysfunctional, and dishonest, 'loyalty test'.
On Pinterest ("Deborah Gayle Robinson"), I have a Board, titled, "I Call Bullshit!" The Pins are all supposedly sage sayings, I come across, that I disagree with the premise of, that is put forth, so I Pin them to this Board. Here are three of them:
I was, completely, shattered, as a human being, by my last husband, who was a narcissist. They get into the lives of their victims by telling us what we need and want to hear. The fact that they can hide how evil they are, so successfully, until they 'have' us, and then, slowly reveal how destructive they are, shows just how insidious this abuse is. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally decimated, by this monster that I was married to. I had loved him. I was harmed by him. I was not responsible for the terror that I came to feel because of this man. His actions caused those feelings in me. I could, and do still, definitely blame him for what I have felt about being treated so horribly. Our reactions, are not always a choice. Referencing the two Pins, that follow, I also can't think of one single time, in my life, that I gave someone permission to hurt me in the ways that they did! And I didn't have a family whether growing up or when married that I experienced the joy of, really, feeling loved, in return. The "no matter what" from the second Pin, below, refers to an unconditional love. Besides God, and my cockatiel, CeeBee, I never ever experienced unconditional love. Only tentative and transactional love.
I find it hard to imagine, that I would have, ever, chosen the hurtful family I grew up in, for any reason, at all, including, a noble one, were that conjecture, about a contract, with God, found to be true. I believe that for His own reasons, He made me to be, a white female, and placed me in the family I was born into, as well as making me an American citizen. He knows all the days of our lives, before we are even born, the Bible says, in Psalm 139:16, because of His omniscience. Life, has sometimes left me feeling like His placing me on this planet was not a very "good idea", based on outcomes, but I am nevertheless, a "God idea"! I take comfort in the fact that God is a God of truth; and even though it makes my life alot harder, I believe that the truth is so important in my relationships. Especially, in the long run. Regardless of where it ends up, with these relationships, I always appreciate knowing exactly where I stand with someone. It is the wondering, that wears me down. That, never being sure, if they are, being slick, or, being straight, with me.
Because, I am honest, I am a threat, in the eyes of, family members, and some others, simply because, I say what is true, however unpleasant, or, unpalatable, that may be, to them; and, they don't want to address that, or deal with that, if they can possibly avoid it. This, is one of the biggest reasons, that I become the scapegoat. Since they can't alter what is, actually, the truth they want to simply shut me up, about it, so, I don't speak the truth; and, when, they can't, do that, they do their best to discredit me, to anyone who will listen and believe the crap they say, about me, in order to, try to, prevent the real truth from, ever, coming out, taking hold, and making them accountable, and possibly ashamed, for their own misdeeds. Jesus was crucified, for His truth-telling. Being honest makes me 'a real and present danger' to those who have dark secrets, and sins, to hide; so running me off, by mistreatment, leaves these people without my presence, and truth telling, to do their dirty deeds with hands that are not clean but have been whitewashed, as they count on no one being the wiser. Unfortunately for victims of these people, that is, most often, exactly, how it all plays out. It has been the story of my life, and has dispossessed me of plenty which has driven me to pure despair, despondency, and at times, depression. So many people behave as if no Judgment Day is coming. Since, I have to stand before my Maker, and Judge, on that day, and He already knows everything, I see no reason, not to be honest, in my dealings here on Earth. I am who and what I am. So many people hate truth. "No blame should attach to telling the truth. But it does, it does."-Anita Brookner.
I didn't even realize until I began dredging up, and processing, my thoughts and emotions over things from my past, in order to write my post for this blog, there were some powerful things, inside me, that were causing me to decide to do the things that I did. Only, in writing about my life, here, did I begin to really realize some, of the reasons, behind my poor choices, at times. For example, I divorced my son's father because he really gave me no choice, or love, or encouragement to do otherwise, with us; and I believe, to this day, that it was the only, possible, decision I could have made. But when I wrote several long blog posts, about the relationship with him, things came into clearer focus, for me, and I realized, that, I never should have agreed, to marry him, at all, when, I found myself pregnant, with our son, Jay. I remember feeling very torn, about that decision, at the time.
I told myself, it was the best thing to do, for our baby, and I did deeply love Jim. But, it never could have worked, with Jim and I. I truly think I would have never wanted the lifestyle that he wanted, for himself. Or, to live with the ambitions he had, with the emphasis he placed on prestige, power and achievement, meant to gain him worldly approval, admiration and likely adoration. My personal priorities and my deepest desires had been much more, inward-focused, on the quality, of the personal relationship itself, and my longing to share a deep, loving bond. We were just not focused on the same things, at all. I think back, to our dating days, now, and see that we were never really compatible in our visions for the future. I was gloriously happy, most of the time, while, we were, alone, together, when we were dating, and living together, while both stationed at Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Mississippi. But, he used that time, of accessing all of my affection for him to recharge his 'social butterfly' battery, to, let off steam, in order to better focus on his, real, goals, which all existed outside, of 'us'; out in the whole, wide, world and among the throngs of other people on the planet. Conquering me, was just a hobby. A diversion for him. Something (and, in my case, someone) that he did in his spare time, to use up excess energy, that, he couldn't use all of, in his pursuit of popularity. His channeling such drive, made him great in bed. But, not great to fall in love with, or be married to. I was so in love with him, that I could not, or I chose not, to see, at the time, that we could never have worked out, as a couple.
I had wanted to believe in the Disney 'Happily Ever After' ending, back then, but, it wasn't that, with us. I had still, naively, thought, that love would conquer all. I did love him beyond a doubt; more than any human being I've ever loved. But it was one-sided. What he wanted was an extension of himself ambitions and all; a worthy representative, of himself, that could, also, charm his associates and help boost him up the Ladder Of Success that he was so driven to climb to its heights. I was not that girl. I would never have been able to be that girl. It was not who I was. Then, or now. Jim considered me to be, a hindrance. His goals, left me cold. Clearly, I knew who I was, and what I needed, somewhere deep inside me, but I never could have put that into words to say to him, back then. I didn't know how to consciously get in touch with my own voice, and goals, and desires until years later. Now that I have become my own advocate, I won't stop speaking my mind. This strength of 'self' has led to, my deciding, that men, and marriage, are, most definitely, NOT for ME, and I have been living much more happily being single for decades now than any fleeting, fickle happiness I found in romantic relationships.
I see it, clearly, now, and yet there is a part of me that will love him forever! The only man I feel that way about. That, partly, explains, why I made 'bottom of the barrel' marital choices, when I got married after that. Deep down, I knew I could never replace him, or love anyone else, the way that I loved him. But, I also had the disapproval of his parents, coming against me. They treated me like I wasn't good enough for him; and when we got married because I turned up pregnant, I feel that both them and Jim felt that I did that to trap him, when I didn't at all. I never wanted to have kids because I was too afraid of my upbringing channeling through me and damaging an innocent child the way that I was damaged when I went through it. I also told Jim that I was no longer on birth control, because we had been apart for a good while before this happened and I didn't sleep with any one else, during all that time, because, I was totally in love with him. He said he would pull out but apparently he didn't. When he and my mother both told me to get an abortion, I didn't, because this was OUR child, and I believed God allowed this to happen for a reason. Of course, I was blamed, for ALL of this, by Jim AND HIS family, and MY family, although, HE, obviously, had a hand in this (or, rather, another, body part, of his, involved). Because of my years of indoctrination, from my own family, that asserted there is a reason, that I DESERVE to be treated like I am the PROBLEM or the INSTIGATOR (even of things that I had NOTHING to do with!), I took on the SMELL OF GUILT, whether something was actually MY FAULT OR NOT; and MOST of the time WHATEVER it WAS, WAS NOT actually my fault. I found myself BEHAVING as if I WERE guilty and worthy of blame, when rationally I knew that it wasn't true, of me. This is just SOME, of the awful legacy, of being blamed for things I didn't even do, or that were not my fault, throughout my life. To add to my pain, my 'loved ones' simply left me struggling, in the quicksand of the guilt that they poured all over and around me while they moved on with their lives, unencumbered, by guilt, shame, or responsibility; exonerating themselves. One species, that will, never, become extinct, in this world, is family scapegoats.
There were other things, too, that, broke my heart, and made me feel that, I did not HAVE better, in my life, because somehow or other I did not DESERVE better. ONLY my relationship with God has taught me that, this is a LIE. Throughout, my life, to this very day, circumstances continue, to try to convince me, that I do not deserve to have the desires of my heart. I know God's Word well though, and He says in scripture "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)." While, my desires, now, are, no longer, to have a man, or romantic love, in my life, I have other deep desires that I hope will happen for me! Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we just cannot seem to have things go as we wish that they would. I'm usually fairly accepting of this, because of my deep faith in God. He created me, and I figure that He is well able to bring about HIS Will, for my life, regardless, of what I do, or don't do, or want, or don't want. Nevertheless, I am only human, and the damage done, to my soul, by being, the scapegoat, for other peoples' sins, throughout my life, hinders me, and holds me back, in many ways. >sigh< I seem to not only have to pay the price for things I do wrong, but for the wrongdoing of others, as well; and that is AFTER they have first sinned against me, in some way, doing some type of harm, to me, or my life. I remain incredulous, that people can wrong me and walk away unscathed by the situation, while, I have to, pick up the pieces, and try, yet again, to recover, from whatever they did to me. When things unravel, this way, I try, to comfort myself, by saying that, if, whatever, fell through, was God's Will, for me, He would surely have brought it to pass. Even so I do try to hold people accountable for how they treat me, just as God holds each of us accountable, to Him, for how we treat one another in this life. I take comfort that everybody who's wronged me will face the judgment seat of God. They might get away with it now but only in the short run. God KNOWS who is to blame and for what. There's just no GASLIGHTING** God!
There are unfortunately many other examples of my being blamed, and punished for the indiscretions of others, by not only family members, spouses, and in-laws, but the military, civilian employers, and potential employers, as well. I have been made to take the fall*** for things, after I have already been victimized, in these situations. Righteousness, does not, always reign, on this fallen planet. That's for sure! Here is just one example: During the years, I worked as a nightclub dancer, I was well aware, that, it was only a matter of time, until I would, inevitably, 'age out' of being able to make my living that way. As much as I loved being a dancer, there would come a day, that the party was over, for me, just as it did, for all the other girls, who got into the business for whatever reasons. So, there were times that I left dancing, at least for awhile, to explore other possibilities; trying to find the best answer for me. The very first career aspiration that I ever had, as a pre-schooler, was that I had wanted to be a homemaker, when I grew up! I loved my dollhouse and my Easy Bake Oven. Something about homemaking captivated me and I just felt happy doing domestic types of things. So, I would get married, but it never worked out, for very long, because, I made those choices much too soon in those relationships, and ended up with 'buyer's remorse' after buying the 'bull', my last two husbands handed me, and waking up, from a dream, to a nightmare, complete with a legally binding Marriage Certificate, that had to be undone with a divorce, each time. (After 4 husbands, and 5 marriages, it is NO WONDER, that I, FINALLY came to my senses, and 'swore off' going that route, for over 3 decades, now.) I also tried other things I thought I might be good at or that interested me, along the way. One of those, was that, I applied, with the City of Omaha, Human Resources department, for a job, as a, 911 Operator. With my, previous, Certified Nursing Assistant schooling, and experience, and clerical skills (which were partly developed while I was in the Air Force, and was assigned to clerical duties), I felt that I had strong enough skills to do well in this job. So, I went through the steps.
As the series of written tests, interviews, and tours of the 911 facility started, we were told, that this process was such that, candidates for the job would either be advanced, to the next step, at each stage of the process, or not be going forward at all because they had been deemed to not be a good match for this position. In other words, you either made it, to the hire, one step, at a time, or you were out, of the running, to be a 911 Operator. The City of Omaha HR department, and 911 managers, were very specific, about that. I am a fairly intelligent person, so I did very well with the initial written testing that we were given and I advanced to the next step, because of that. This process continued, over a period of weeks, and I was, beyond, excited, to finally be invited to the Operations Center for a final job interview with the new 911 Director, Mark Conry. (This was many years ago, and Omaha, and Douglas County, Dispatch Operations, had not been combined, yet.) There were, some 'red flags', that happened, during my time there, for this, very important, interview, but I couldn't be sure what was behind these odd behaviors by Director Conry, and the supervisor that worked just under him. All I knew was that I'd successfully completed each and every step to be hired for this job, and I had, earned, this opportunity, to be hired, for this good paying position, that also, had benefits. However, as this last day in the lengthy, involved process transpired I began to be increasingly uneasy as to what the 'benefits' were considered to be.
It is difficult to not be reactive when things in our present circumstances begin to remind us of, unpleasant, or, frightening, experiences, from our past. We all have baggage, from things, we have been through. Especially, things that traumatized, us. While, I continued, to put on my, smiling, pleasant, 'job interview' face, I was confused, and concerned, by what was happening. When, the supervisor ushered me into Director Conry's office, he seemed to be unusually agitated, although we had just had a congenial conversation as I waited for my turn to go in to this last step in the hiring process. It just didn't seem right that this man who had worked for decades in the highly stressful 911 Call Center environment would be 'jumpy'; especially to this extent! Then, as Mark Conry began to ask me questions, during our one-on-one, final, interview, before hires were made, this supervisor kept on coming back into his office, time and time and time and time again. It seemed as if he was trying to keep watch, of some sort, on the situation, but, I was not sure why. Mr. Conry finally lost patience with this behavior of his, and snapped at him, to get out of his office, and stop coming in, on our interview, together. Because I had passed every single step, with flying colors, earning my right to be hired, by their own statements, I knew, that this interview was actually merely a formality. Mr. Conry finished the interview by grinning at me, ear to ear, and saying that he would be making the calls the next day to those he was hiring. Finally, a real job! I loved being a dancer, but this was a real career opportunity, as a 911 Operator.
When I went back to my apartment I was so excited that I couldn't sit still! Since he had said that he wasn't going to call anyone he was hiring until the next day I walked to the Old Market from my downtown apartment and got a few groceries. We did not have cell phones or personal computers back then, but my phone had an answering machine. So, I felt, dismayed, when I got home, and saw the light, blinking, on the machine, alerting me, to a missed call. Sure enough, Mark Conry had called--- and I wasn't home to take that call! All his message really said was, to call him back, and he left the number. I was very apprehensive, about it, since he had specifically said that he was going to call the new hires the next day and I had just left his office, after the final interview, a couple of hours earlier! It didn't seem possible that he was calling me today, instead, because he wasn't planning to hire me! . . . I didn't know WHAT to think, as I dialed the number, he left, with my hands shaking from the stress. It only rang once or twice before he answered and the first thing out of his mouth caused me to think, "UH OH!" My heart sank, not because, he wasn't hiring me, because, HE WAS HIRING ME, as it turned out. But, this is how the call with him went, which ruined it all, for me, and left me, in a quandary, as to what I should do next. He, turned my dream, into a nightmare.
As soon, as he answered the phone, he said, thanks for calling him back; that it was his home phone number, and that 'he was a bachelor', and was just making himself a sandwich. (Please remember that my ONLY association and interaction with this man was in a professional, employer-employee, capacity, and ours was not, in any way, a personal relationship.) He described his new 'bachelor pad' to me, where he lived now, explaining that his wife was divorcing him, and that he had taken Terminal Leave, from the Air Force (with some, higher, enlisted, rank), so he could move to Omaha, to start this new job, as 911 Director. He described how lonely he felt. My heart JUST SANK, as this man said all these things, which were not appropriate to the way in which we knew one another nor the fact that the ONLY reason this, unattractive, man, even HAD my home telephone number, was because it was on my JOB APPLICATION. I hadn't met this guy in a bar and given him my home phone number, to call me up sometime, to chat, or to come on to me, which, he, surely, seemed, to me, to be doing. Then, he gave me, the ULTIMATE INSULT, to MY ACHIEVEMENTS during the HIRING PROCESS (which, I was so PROUD OF!). I had EARNED this job hire, and he said, he WAS hiring me, but he PUT it THIS way--- in such a way, that tried, from the outset, to frame it, as a, benevolent, gesture, by him, toward me; like he was 'doing me a big favor' that would, therefore, ingratiate me to him, during my entire employment there.
He said that, HE was PERSONALLY going to take me 'under his wing', and, MAKE SURE, that I SUCCEEDED, at this job. He said that, I was to come into his office, and SHUT THE DOOR, and that, he would MAKE SURE, that I had JOB SECURITY. Devastated, I thought back to wondering why the supervisor had kept nervously coming in during my interview with him, only hours earlier, and I felt like, it was becoming clear, to me, that he had been trying to keep Mark Conry from making moves on me then and there. That behavior had seemed so strange, at the time. During this phone call, when Mr. Conry had told me to call him back at his home, he also, said to me, that, although, he was still calling, other, hires the next day, as he had told us, all, that he was going to do, I was THE ONLY ONE that he had called THE SAME DAY, with the 'good news', and that it was another favor he did JUST FOR ME and NO ONE ELSE because he didn't want me to have to wait for it.
As SOON as I HUNG UP from that call, I KNEW the job--- that I HAD EARNED by my OWN SKILLS AND CAPABILITIES--- was tainted in a very bad way by how he framed it like he was doing me this BIG 'FAVOR', and I HAD to COME TO HIM, on a REGULAR BASIS, he said, and COME TO HIS OFFICE AND CLOSE THE DOOR in order to 'SUCCEED' at it. I had already been through rape, and lost my Air Force career over sexual harassment. I couldn't work under this kind of understanding with, my boss, on a new job, and he was MAKING IT CLEAR, from the OUTSET, I had to work there UNDER HIS TERMS, to be ALLOWED to SUCCEED in this job. I knew, that he had just made it a non-starter, for me; UNLESS I could get City of Omaha Human Resources to do something, about it. Because, of how, the world works, I knew, that was a long shot. After all, they had JUST HIRED HIM, as the NEW 911 Director. But, I also knew that I could NOT start that JOB, under these terms, that he had laid out, for me, so clearly. So, I had really already LOST the job, as soon as he DID THIS to me; unless HR would HELP ME. HR had a female head of the department, named Michelle Frost. She was also an attorney, I think. I went to see her, and she sat there, stone-faced, as I described, these troubling things, to her. She said she would look into it, and give me a call in a day or two. At the time, I had become friends with the receptionist, for HR, and she told me, that Ms. Frost had called Mark Conry into her office, and asked him, about these things I told her, and that HE ADMITTED TO IT! I was SHOCKED, that he told her that, what I said, was true! But, when, Michelle Frost called me, herself, with her findings, she told me, that I had NEVER BEEN OFFERED THE JOB, at all, and that, I WOULDN'T have EVER been offered the job; and, that I'd IMAGINED a job offer.
I was SO UPSET BY THIS. I KNEW that SHE knew, that THIS WASN'T TRUE. (She didn't know that my receptionist friend, in HR, who was privy to the office gossip, had kept me in the loop, on what was REALLY HAPPENING, behind the scenes.) I reminded her, with anger in my voice, that BOTH HR, and 911 management, had SPECIFICALLY told us, SEVERAL times, in NO uncertain terms, that all of the 911 job candidates could only advance toward the hire one step at a time and not by some cumulative, overall, scoring, at the end of all the steps, combined. I said, I was just at my final interview and tour of the facility, and I could NOT have BEEN there, had I not successfully passed EVERY SINGLE STEP, up until that point. She refused to acknowledge any of the facts, so I knew that, no matter what, the job could NEVER be MINE, NOW, because of Conry, and HR; and, I had EARNED, and DESERVED, that job, based on, MY OWN MERIT. I was so mad. It was so unfair. I ended up getting an attorney, to fight it, but as it turned out, he was in the same cocktail party circuit as Michelle Frost, and decided to "settle for something quick, and cheap", another attorney who was watching my case against the city told me that he had confided, to her; which ALSO made me really mad. It dragged on, for months, and, the longer it did, the madder, I got, about it. It was insult, added to injury, for me. Also, although the City of Omaha would admit NO wrongdoing, OF COURSE, they had STILL drawn up a NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENT, and, a GAG ORDER, which they were going to require me to sign before I would even get the check for a mere $5,000.00. By that point, I had planned to MOVE AWAY, and go somewhere OTHER than this city, that I loved, that had wronged me in all of this. I had just been waiting for the check to fund my move. I was going to the beach! When the female attorney told me, that my male attorney, had simply settled for "something quick, and cheap", I was so incensed, and felt so disrespected, that I called his office and FIRED HIM, then called City of Omaha HR, asked for Michelle Frost, and told her, to put that check somewhere that would give her a paper cut.
So, because I never got the check, or signed the Nondisclosure or Gag Order, I'm able to talk about it, to this day, if I so choose. My faith in God stayed strong and in fact, His Holy Spirit was really moving, on me, and through me, alot, during all this. I had Visions, and God gave me A VERY SPECIFIC Word Of Knowledge, for a lady at a church that I had never met in person but had talked to over the phone. She'd been praying with ME, over the phone, during this ordeal, but I didn't know ANYTHING about HER personal life. When God gave me this, very personal, Word to tell her, I OBEYED, and she told me, that it was EXACTLY, what her family, was dealing with, and it helped them, to KNOW, God's Will in the situation! I was able to move to the beach, also, because some Catholic sisters that I also prayed with over the phone showed up unannounced, at my apartment, with a sizeable check, made out to me, saying that God had suddenly told them to bring me this money. They had no idea, that I had canceled the financial settlement with the city. They were simply obeying God, who knows all things. Mark Conry, went on to work for many years as the 911 Director, while I lost MY 911 job opportunity BECAUSE OF HIM. The City, continued its business, without penalty, although it overlooked his wrongs, and MADE ME PAY THE PRICE for HIM, and THEM, by NOT DOING RIGHT by me. I DID NOTHING WRONG (aside from, when I called Michelle Frost up, and told her NO DEAL that she could put that measly $5,000.00 CHECK UP HER ASS). This, is just one more example, for this blog post, about me being blamed for the sins of others, when, it was NOT MY FAULT. I wrote this poem, during that ordeal:
No Milk Of Human Kindness
Woke, after barely sleeping,
To the sound of gentle rain--
The tears of God from Heaven--
Does He care about my pain?
My attorney left a message:
My case is winding down,
But we've still not seen the money
That could help me leave this town . . . .
Sixteen years here, trying to live,
Has very nearly killed me!
There is no milk of human kindness
In any face or heart that I see.
Oh, well, maybe there is some, here and there,
And some weak substitutions
That give a civil overtone
To this town's social institutions.
I walked in the rain to the Post Office--
The guy there snickered in my face
When I asked a simple question
Like I should've learned my place.
I walked back to my apartment building,
No umbrella, in light rain.
Wondering, pondering seriously
Just who is true insane!
Am I the crazy person, here,
Because I seek sweet human touch?
When did caring, sharing, trusting
Become expecting too damn much?
What changed in people's hearts and minds
That made me seem silly, sick, or scared
Over years, through changing times,
For my belief that humans should have cared?
I saw the mailman in the hallway;
He turned to me to say,
"Don't check your box; it's empty--
I have nothing for you today."
"You, and the rest of the world," I replied.
To hide my tears, I turned and was gone
Back into my apartment then,
Cold, damp, needy, and alone.
Someone also said to me today
"Don't do what you don't wanna do . . ."
But, really, what difference does it make,
When what you do want is not an option for you.
Next week I start back as a dancer . . .
Which I swore I would never do . . .
But at least in a bar I can justify
Why I'll show my body, but not heart, to you--
You-- other folks in this town, on this planet
That just wouldn't spare me a drink
Of the milk of human kindness--
It's okay, 'cause yours soured and stinks!
Keep your non-nourishing substitutions
To yourself, 'cause I'll be drinking wine.
I won't thirst for the milk of your kindness again
'Cause it's just been a waste of my time.
- This ode to Omaha
written in its entirety
on May 3, 1996, by
Deborah Gayle Robinson
Scapegoating is the practice of singling out a person or group for unmerited blame and consequent negative treatment.
"A scapegoat is defined as a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings and faults of others. The origin of the word is an ancient Jewish tradition in which a goat was symbolically sent into the wilderness to atone for the people's sins." https://www.regain.us/advice/family/are-you-the-family-scapegoat-signs-you-may-be-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/
"Incredible as it might seem, there are families that scapegoat a loved one even into and including adulthood. For a variety of reasons we will explore one member becomes the target of accusations, blame, criticism and ostracism. While it’s happening, family members are totally unaware of what they are doing and would deny it if confronted with their behavior. Often, scapegoating begins in childhood and continues into and throughout adulthood.
Why would a family choose a loved one to bully and scapegoat? The answer has a lot to do with the concept of scapegoating and the purpose it serves. Scapegoating is often a way for families to hide problems that they cannot face." https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/toxic-families-who-scapegoat/
Why would a family choose a loved one to bully and scapegoat? The answer has a lot to do with the concept of scapegoating and the purpose it serves. Scapegoating is often a way for families to hide problems that they cannot face." https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/toxic-families-who-scapegoat/
If you look at the research regarding the fate of individuals who have been relentlessly bullied, you can draw conclusions about what happens to scapegoated family members, for scapegoating is bullying with focused and long-term intensity. Some bullied children go on to become bullies themselves. Some develop social skills to divert and challenge bullying, though the scars of having been bullied may insert themselves into their lives in many ways for many years to come. Others, however, do not survive, driven to suicide." https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/blameless-burden-scapegoating-in-dysfunctional-families-0130174
"Narcissists often look charming on the outside but cause great pain and trauma for their victims."
https://mindandbodyworks.com/survivors-and-thrivers-of-narcissistic-abuse/"People doubt the abuse took place - Narcissistic abuse is often subtle. When it happens in public, it might be so well disguised that others hear or see the same behaviors and fail to recognize them as abuse. You might not even fully understand what’s happening. You only know you feel confused, upset, or even guilty for your 'mistakes.' . . . A narcissistic parent might gently say, . . . 'You’re so clumsy. You just can’t help yourself, can you?' They laugh with everyone in the room while patting your shoulder to make the insult seem well intentioned." https://www.healthline.com/health/narcissistic-victim-syndrome#doubt-from-others
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The following, two, items, are helpful articles, related to the themes, of this post:
". . . repeating the mantra: 'I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you' . . . he healed himself first. . . . It is by making the unconscious conscious that you come to develop healthy relationships that originate from your authentic self."
https://medium.com/the-mission/why-people-always-treat-you-according-to-the-way-you-unconsciously-treat-yourself-c4f0e1ae21d
"To encourage positive and discourage offensive behavior:
"To encourage positive and discourage offensive behavior:
Do not reward behaviors in others that you wish to eliminate.
Follow actor Alan Alda's advice: 'Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they're fair with you.'
Learn to speak up assertively.
Do not reward unkind behavior from others.
If someone treats you badly, say so—do not smile and pretend it's okay."
