. . . because I am still not sure what to say.
My December blog post is my hardest one to write, in some ways. Sometimes, as I pray and ponder what I should share, and not share, in it, I think I finally have the needed grasp of the words that would convey what I'm thinking and feeling only to have them slip away when I attempt to capture them with my keyboard. It is hard, because it will be my very last post on my blog, after almost 5 years of sharing my life here, with you, including its heartbreak, and hope. It will be posted here before year's end, though, God willing. I've learned not to bother, making any 'New Year's Resolutions', because "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41) I just know that I have to do much better about seizing the day every day to try to have more satisfying and fulfilling outcomes, than, what I have had happen, so far.
It isn't just that I am still not sure what to write, to bring some sense of closure to my blog. There are other reasons it is delayed, as well. I am sleep deprived due to staying up to do all that I can to help the pipes not burst, due to the cold weather. When I do lie down, to try to sleep, a fairly bad toothache (from eating treats that were not good for me) makes it very difficult. The holidays, and projects that I am working on, around my house, stretched the budget to the point that being able to see a dentist simply isn't possible, right now. I admit, to indulging my sweet tooth, but I also went ahead and ordered as many of the things as I could to finally finish all these projects because I am extremely burned out from it taking so long for me to do all these things. It has been nonstop, for years now, and it stopped being fun for me quite awhile ago. I just want it done so I can move on to some things that I still haven't had happen in my life but that I know I really need. More laughter and hugs, and friends that I feel 'safe' to let my guard down with, and even a romance.
Although, I did 'meet' David online, on a singles' dating website, last Spring, and I felt like I was starting to fall in love with him, before it fell apart altogether, due to both our faults [Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: Is There ANY Man Who's RIGHT For ME?], sitting here alone, inside my house, is not the best way for me to find the relational fulfillment that, I am lacking, and needing, in my life. I need to do something different, before it is just too late. Time, is a precious commodity. When it's gone, it's gone. There's no getting it back for any 'do overs'.
Besides sitting here exhausted and in pain and being so mentally burned out right now, I am emotionally drained also. Right before I started typing this to you I had watched another Hallmark holiday movie that struck such a chord with my longing that I finished off one box of tissues from crying about it and opened a new box. I always get a runny nose when I cry, so I've had alot of that this season as I watch these movies, which all have happy outcomes, that I can only imagine, as I watch.
Well, it is time for me to go care for the pipes again, to nurture them through this cold. I try to be extra careful when it's really cold like this, and not just leave it to hoping that some small trickle, ongoing overnight, will prevent their bursting. I do not have the money for such repairs, should it happen to my house. I am so tired.
I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season! My blog post should be here no later than New Year's Eve. Because of the encouragement of a friend who told me that it would bring me some hope (which it did!), I have managed to unbox my new 6' artificial Christmas tree, and set it up. But, there are still no lights or decorations, on it, because I have so much going on needing my time and attention right now, including that, I am currently trying to work on the most challenging space in my home to try to bring some, much-needed, organization, and order, to it. Progress is being made, slowly but surely. I will be SO GLAD when it is FINALLY all 'DONE'.
Love, Deb
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This Blog is more like a personal journal, with its very detailed, and honest, look at my various life experiences, and how those, and the people involved in them, have impacted me. In creating and sharing this Blog with you, it is my hope that each of us will fully appreciate the remarkable power that a word has, for us, and from us. My prayer is that we are all affected by that truth, for better. I appreciate your input, and interaction, here. [Please note that Comment Moderation is activated.]