My Life Reflections Through My Poetry

                  Fate

Fate undermines my foothold
Like a quake beneath the ground,
Wrecking all my best-laid plans
Without a single sound.
I fall, and watch it happening;
So tired of asking "Why?".
Feeling wretched, all the more,
For idly sitting by.
After years of standing up,
Once all was ruined there,
I sit, and holding back the tears,
Pretend that I don't care.
My whole plan seems so pointless,
Like castles built on sand.
You'd think that I could manage
Inspiring love in Man.

           - Deborah Robinson Gray
             October 13, 1980


               untitled

The breeze chills my body,
And these thoughts sting my soul---
I may never have answers;
I may never feel whole.
I may never be loved---
not feel lonely---
again.
(I may never hold to me
More than this damn pen!)
God must not have planted
His flowering seeds
In my life; there is nothing
That's growing but deep, unmet needs.
I prayerfully ponder,
A Spring evening in session,
With only a rhyme, and some time, and obsession.
The clay of my body
Calls out to the clay.
The night of my heartache 
Cries out for its day!
My halfness-of-wholeness
Has caused me to fall,
And still no one answers
My soul's piercing call.

     - Debby Robinson Carlin
       May 16, 1984


       When I Find Your Face

At another time, in another place,
I just might find your face,
And then I'll know what I'm searching for
Has been there after all!
If you'll love me back, like I need to be,
Your love will set me free!
And you and I can unite our lives
In two-part harmony.
I've got love to give,
I've stored up inside;
It's left no room for pride.
So when I know
I've found you at last,
I'll give you all my love.
Though a solo now,
I still sing my song
Of hope to keep me strong,
Until I find
Your sweet face at last,
And know I'm finally home!

   - Deborah Robinson Gray
     December 4, 1978


          untitled lyrics

In the quiet of the evening
I find myself into a mood;
So I put soft music on the stereo
And listen to its messages, and brood.

Chorus:
Love songs, peace songs, dream songs; sweet.
My heart knows that wanting, but knows not their feel.
Love, peace, and dreams are all such lovely things,
But seem a figment of my mind; unfindable, unreal.

I look for love among the crowds,
I search for peace between the wars,
I see my sweetest dreams come true-- through sleeping eyes.
Life offers me no keys that fit its doors.

I'll keep searching for life's joys;
'Tomorrow is another day';
'It's always darkest just before the dawn';
'Things must look up'; anyway, that's what 'they' say.

                                 - Deborah Robinson Gray
                                   August 1, 1976



     a section of an untitled poem

Drown my sorrows, get a headache;
Take a lover, lose my heart;
Guess I just can't stand the pain in
Either finishes or starts.
Without first healing, can't find loving;
Without the loving, I can't heal.
Having doubts deep down within me
There'll ever be a love that's real.

            - Debby Robinson Carlin            
              July 24, 1984


I'm Not Smart Enough . . . For THIS World

                   Free Verse

I'm not smart enough for THIS world . . . .
I'm not able to know where I stand
In relationships with people.
I can't seem to determine my worth
to others---
I don't know my value in this system
Of player haters, spin doctors, and 
Superficial socializers.
I don't know if I have anything to offer
That's of worth to the self-occupied
Occupants of this planet,
Who may not even allow my efforts
A passing thought.
Even if my attempt was to show them
God's Love, through me---
Fumbling and imperfect and marred
As I do that---
It's really all I have to give anyone . . . .
I'm smart enough to know that
That's all I've got.

                - Deborah Robinson
                  April 5, 2016


When I reconnected with my son online, I was thinking it would be really fun to collaborate together on a song, since I write lyrics sometimes, and he is a musician! He stays way too busy to have time for that, though, I think. . . . This is just the one verse of a lyric I had started to write, specifically with that hope, thinking that he and I could finish it together, by internet, and make it into something good!

                         That Love Was A Promise

Sometimes the journey leads our paths to different places;
We find ourselves apart and all we see are other faces.
Yet the bond that's ours alone can't be denied.
That love was a promise!
                                                - Deb Robinson 
                                                  February 2019


Most of these writings were transcribed here, for this post, from the various tattered pieces of paper on which I had originally created them years ago; some of these go back decades. I added this amateur anthology here on the Blog as part of the life reflections from my soul. They reveal what was in my heart over the course of time, throughout my journey so far, and certainly support the truth of what I have already been describing about my life in my previous Blog posts! There has been this singular thread running through the fabric of my life. This constant theme that, while "I have found the One Whom my soul loves" (Song Of Solomon 3:4), in my personal relationship with God (which is the single greatest blessing of my--- eternal--- life), as a human being living on this Earth I have been bedeviled by chronic lack of love from my fellow humans. Also very telling is the fact that the second greatest blessing for me, relationally, had been the nearly 20 wonderful, fun, loving years I had living life with my pet Cockatiel, CeeBee, who died in 2011. Third place is the highest ranking any human relationships have ever attained, for me. Those that have been included have largely been special friends and neighbors, rather than family members, throughout the years, although there is an aunt and uncle about whom I often said to God, wistfully, that I wished they had been my parents, because they were so godly, decent, loving, supportive, and honest--- all things which I value greatly, among the full range of possible human attributes.