Silence, When There's TOO MUCH To Say

I don't know, about you, but, sometimes, when, I have, so many, thoughts, going through my mind, and/or emotions, that I am feeling, in my heart, I simply, don't say anything, at all. There are many reasons for that, when it happens with me. I may be feeling completely overwhelmed, by some strong emotion at the time. Or whatever I could say, about the situation, as it is, won't help, anything, or change anything; or be welcomed, wanted, valued or even believed. There are times that something may be happening that I can't even process, in the moment, what it is that I actually feel about it, to be able to articulate whatever that is. My mind and my heart can be flooded with so much, including conflicting thoughts or emotions, as I try to grapple with the effects, of the situation, on me. No two people live the very same life with all of the same experiences, imprinting them, and contributing to who they become. Even when, we have alot in common with someone, there is never going to be complete compatibility of any two individuals, in everything. We see the world through our own lens. While, for some, that may be the, proverbial, 'rose-colored glasses' there are others who have a much darker view of things; or perhaps a more nuanced, and even variable, outlook on life. Moments in our lives that are emotionally charged (such as, after we've just had, what we know, is our very last conversation, with someone, that we love, very deeply, before we go our separate ways in life, from that point on) can find us, sitting in silence, along with the tears that are flowing down our cheeks or the clenched jaw as we determined not to speak, out of our hurt or anger. It feels, within me, during those times, like I can't express even one thing. That's, often, when I listen to songs that resonate.

If I'm feeling impassioned, I may write poems or lyrics to process those emotions. Writing is my way of working through it, and/or sublimating the things I'm feeling. I may have thoughts or emotions that I need to deal with, but not, always, act on. Things such as, lust, rage, betrayal, disgust, longing, wistfulness, grief or despair. 

I, also, will start pinning Pins, on my Pinterest boards. I never knew, until I finally began using that site, how much I would enjoy it! I can very easily sit and Pin, for hours, losing track, of time, completely, as the website presents me with a never-ending supply of quotes, images, and touching sentiments that speak to my soul! Those Boards, are a, visual, composite, of so much, of who I am, and what I feel. [My Pinterest profiles are: @deborahgaylerobinson and @robinsondeborahg2280]

My July post for this blog is due to be published online in just a couple of days, as I sit typing this now. This month has presented me with many challenges, leaving me so drained, by my present circumstances, that I can't possibly go back, to the past, to dredge that up, and write about it, here, right now! That will simply have to wait, for me, to catch my breath, recover, some, at least, from everything that is going on, in my life, and world, right now, that is making me feel overwhelmed, and, for me to feel that, I can deal with making more of my journey back into my, often painful, past. So, I'm going to share some of my social media posts, poems, and Pins, here, instead, for this month. Things that I have already spoken, or that have spoken to me. It will be healing, for me, as, I try, to renew, my spirit, which, feels depleted. These things, are all, something that I have, already, expressed in written form, in other places, and, at other times, but, they will also reveal, more, about who I am, and what I think and feel, about things. I am a serious person. I also have a sense of humor. I can be caring or cold largely depending on how you treat me. I'm passionate about politics because I believe that freedom is precious and our democracy is at stake. I am not a fan of, organized, religion, for the most part, but, I am very spiritual. I LOVE GOD, praising Him and praying to Him daily!

So, the following things, shared here from various places, will show a spectrum of at least some, of the many, facets, of who I am as a person. I'm both, a complex, and complicated, creature! Those people who try to 'put me in a box' so to speak, inevitably, get it wrong, because I am light, and dark, fire, and ice, prayerful, and profane. I am not-- and never will be!-- everything that someone 'sizes me up' to be, nor, do I have, any, desire, to be, that prescribed, or predictable; constrained, or captive! I rapturously belong to God, out of love. I belong to me, by birthright. But I have realized, over the course of my life, that I am not capable of ever truly belonging to another person. Or, perhaps, even, with, another human being. Not, completely. I hear my own muse calling my soul, to become even freer, still, than  I am. I'm wary of chains in any form holding me back, keeping me from pursuing my own vision, for my own life, at any moment, that it beckons me, to come; to, follow, MY dreams, as far, as I can, for as long, as I can. I am, already, 65, NOW! Where, did, the years go? I'm filled, to overflowing, with daydreams, and desires, about living more fully than I ever have, before the clock stops and the hourglass is empty. My only consolation, this late in life, is my faith in the reality of eternity with God. I have realized, in recent years, as I long to take up, more of, my ever-expanding interests, and increase, my learning, about everything, under the sun, that there's simply not EVER, going to be, enough, time, in this life, to delve into, all that, now. I'll surely need the span of endless days, to continue my wandering and my wondering about all God's Creation. I'm destined to bloom forever. Amen.

     

The following, are some of my Tweets, I posted, on Twitter [@DeborahGayleRo1]:

THIS is what I would have told my younger self, if I could have, to create better outcomes in my life that I didn't have due to NOT DOING THIS: Don't compromise yourself, or your values, for anyone that you, think, you love. If the relationship is really right, you won't have to.

In families . . . in marriages . . . in churches . . . in schools . . . in virtually every social environment . . . the VERY THINGS that we REALLY NEED to TALK ABOUT, LEARN ABOUT, QUESTION, COMPREHEND, UNDERSTAND, are, ALMOST ALWAYS, the 'taboo' subjects that NO ONE WILL DISCUSS.

I think it's because the abuses we suffered make us into deeper souls, even empaths, and we REALIZE the TRUTH: that we're NOT (as MOST people seem to think, and operate from the belief of) BODIES with a soul but rather WE'RE SOULS that HAVE a BODY. The physical seems superficial.

My mother cost me ALOT in my life, including turning other loved ones of mine against me by manipulating their opinion of me, casting me as villain, etc. I realized a couple of years ago that she'd turned my son on me too. I had protected him from this crap when he was a baby.

It would have NEVER BEEN DIFFERENT, with her, for me. She was DESTROYING ME. I STILL live with the DAMAGE DONE to me from it that started when I was a very little girl. My mother had ONCE been MY ROLE MODEL but she got VERY TOXIC TOWARD ME as years passed, becoming my TORMENTOR.

The narcissists don't give us a CHOICE but to get as FAR AWAY from THEM as we CAN. It SUCKS that insult is added to injury because OTHERS either won't SEE, or ADMIT, the narc's TOXIC, but BLAME US Scapegoats for having the sense to know WE CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS, and GETTING OUT.

SO TRUE! They'll PUSH YOU and PUSH YOU and PUSH YOU til they FINALLY COMPLETELY PUSH YOU AWAY (FOR GOOD if you're smart). NARCISSISTS NEVER STOP. They're DRIVEN TO BE DESTRUCTIVE. So much so that they'll even COST THEMSELVES ALOT in the process. Even SEEING THAT, they WON'T STOP.

MUSIC is often thought of, by us, as BEING SO 'HEALING'; yet, ironically, SO MANY TALENTED MUSICIANS--- some of the BEST, that PUT OUT the GREATEST MUSIC--- SELF-DESTRUCTED while their lives were ENGULFED IN THEIR MUSIC. Janis Joplin, Prince, Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse. SO MANY.

This is just one of my quirky observations: There are some expressions we use that we should HOPE never get taken LITERALLY, such as : "Be still, my heart!" (Which is otherwise known as cardiac arrest.)

(Somebody else's Tweet:) Write a sad story using only 5 words.

(My response Tweet:) He didn't really love me. -or- If I had only known. -or- It's too late now, though. -or- It just broke my heart. -or- I can't believe he died. -or- I will always miss him. 

(@LadyOaklandFan's Tweet, that, I thought, was really clever, and funny:)

They should just put the vaccine in hot dogs, no one seems to care what's in those

When, Bezos, went into space, on July 20, 2021:

@JohnCollins_KP Tweeted: It would be easier to take this seriously if the rocket didn't look like a sex toy.

My response Tweet: I would say that, any object designed with that shape-- regardless, of the 'space', that they are striving to invade, occupy, experience, and make their presence known in-- was created specifically to conquer new territory. The, never-ending, quest, of men, the world over . . . . 

@garyhgoodridge Tweeted: Don't be afraid to lose people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.

My response Tweet: EXACTLY.

@SipCourage Tweeted: Living your passion! Every time you choose whether or not to fulfill your passion--which is your function, you are really choosing whether or not to be happy.  

@LIVEpositivity Tweeted: What are 3 things that make a relationship work?

My response Tweet: To some extent it depends on WHAT TYPE of relationship: marriage, family, employment, etc. My top 3 would be: Keeping trust between one another (not violating that); truly enjoying one another's company (because it's caring, supportive, fulfilling, even fun); having shared goals.

@LisaBritton Tweeted: This poem made me smile @atticuspoetry

[When, I saw this post, I just thought to myself, I am so glad that I don't have to downplay or minimize my own strengths and abilities, anymore, in the apparently socially assigned, feminine, role, to make less, of ourselves, so that men can feel better, about being, less, than they can be, as well, in a relationship. Women are taught to sacrifice our own self-esteem on the alter of the insatiable, ever-needy, fragile, MALE EGO, out of some, desperate, 'need' to have, and hold onto, a man. The ONE person that I NEED in this life is MYSELF; whole, and intact. I LOVE ME!] 

Deborah Gayle Robinson @DeborahGayleRo1
The SECRET to a baby's JOY: They ONLY KNOW HOW to LIVE IN THE MOMENT. As soon as we can RECALL enough PAST to go back and DWELL ON IT in our thoughts and emotions and are CONSCIOUS of FUTURE events, good or bad, that we anticipate with uncertainty and anxiety, we often lose that.

Deborah Gayle Robinson @DeborahGayleRo1
THIS IS SO TRUE. It even led to me DIVORCING the ONE MAN that I will always love (but not want back). I felt so unsupported, by him, even back when we were dating. His career, and other peoples' opinion of him, ALWAYS MATTERED MORE TO HIM. He 'UTILIZED' me, for his own enjoyment. 
@garyhgoodridge Tweeted: Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can pretty much change your life forever.
You RetweetedCombatstress.vet Saving Our Soldiers @combatstressvet · Jul 16 I was in a tactical store & vets were there, I asked where they're going after, nowhere. Well follow me we're gonna go look for homeless vets. Hell yeah let's go. We found five. One said I asked for a sign, you guys are it, I was ready to end it all. #SuicidePrevention #Veterans 

You Retweeted@Canuck123451Jul 17I need to rant. I just took my wife to the hospital for her evening shift. She cried on the way. A place she used to love working at, she now dreads. I said she should call in sick but she wouldn't. We are so short she said, I can't. Tears in her eyes, shaking. I held her.
https://twitter.com/dodo/status/1416216083434905604 (I LOVE THIS VIDEO!)
@BgpbearsHawkins
When I hear of an animal dying, especially if a bear (and circumstances), I cry hard.  The feeling is one of being gutted.  Thinking of the animals.  You are so loved.
My response Tweet: Yes. I agree. There is a purity, to animals, a straightforwardness about who and what they are, that I only wish the human race, as a whole, also had! TBH, I can't even watch the TV shows that show any animal suffering. I can't bear it (no pun intended). I pray for animals daily.
These are some of my Facebook posts (Deb Robinson):

Deb Robinson

July 8 at 5:20 PM
My CeeBee Marie, my precious 'angel bird', from God! He flew home to Heaven in 2011. I miss him every day.

These are some poems, and snippets of songs, that I have been writing, recently:

[I have vaginal atrophy (which is sometimes painful) because I have been celibate for over 3 decades, now. So, when I was simply conversing with a guy that I have known (just socially, for several years now), recently, about completely nonsexual subjects, I was both completely surprised and really amused, at myself, to realize that, with no provocation whatsoever, I was suddenly spontaneously experiencing a sexual fantasy involving him. So I decided to sit and write something about that feeling-- which, I did not act on, in, any, way, and which, so took me by surprise.]

Man, Oh Man! (what a hot flash)

While we just talked, I looked in your eyes,

The compassion I saw took me by surprise.

I had been, saying, I was, so stressed.

Now, I was longing, to be undressed!

Nice guys can think they're not the best,

But they don't mistreat me, like the rest.

While we were talking, I saw your skin,

Tan, from the sun, looking masculine.

Just like, couples dancing tango, do,

I pictured, standing close, to you.

Thinking such things, I start to blush.

I lowered my eyes, then felt this rush.

Seeing, your length and girth, show through,

I was, distracted, as I talked with you;

And, I felt hot, as people do,

Who want, what Nature tells us to.

As we were parting, with goodbyes,

I didn't think you realized.

There was, no way, that I would dare,

To say, "I wish you'd touch me, there."

We finished talking, and walked away,

Not knowing, what we could have done, that day.

- written by Deborah Robinson, July 2021

The Secret, Is In Giving!

The future used to look so bright,

Through my young and starry eyes.

I was sure I'd get my fairytale; 

So, I was quite surprised,

When things 'went south',

And troubles, started happening, instead.

They seem to never really stop--

Piling higher than my head.

I could just sit, and let dreams die,

But I've got to keep on living.

I may not have some things I want,

But, the secret, is in giving!

God put us here, for others,

That need the things, in us.

We may feel like we're empty, but

We simply have to trust,

That we can make a difference,

With what we each can do;

And that, someday, something wonderful

Will, finally, find us, too!

They say, we reap the harvest

From what it is we've sown;

That we, get back, what we give away;

And are, never, all alone.

We're in this life, together,

To do the best we can,

And help, each other's, dreams come true,

According to God's Plan.

The singer, needs the stage, that's built.

The builders, need the song.

The racecar driver needs the track,

While that speedway needs the throng.

The dreamer, needs some others,

To help their dreams come true.

No one, makes it, all alone.

We're simply, not meant to.

So, while we wait, and work toward,

Those things, that we desire.

The best thing, we can do, is help,

Someone else, climb higher.

God, will not, forget that,

When, the time arrives,

For us, to get the blessings,

That, we've prayed for, through our lives.

- written by Deborah Robinson, July 2021

Sit down, and shut up.

Stand up, and speak out!

Do you need, someone else's permission,

To be, what you're all about?

- written by Deborah Robinson, March 2021

It's very hard to move forward

When I'm curled up in a ball on the floor.

- written by Deborah Robinson, March 2021

It's gonna work out.

It'll be okay.

- written by Deborah Robinson, April 2021

I'm stuck in the sadness.

- written by Deborah Robinson, July 2021

The words,

Like little birds,

That fly away.

- written by Deborah Robinson, May 2021

It's gotta be, now, or never.

Make a choice; stop sayin' "Whatever."

Are you going to put some skin in the game?

Or, know you lost out. That'll drive you insane!

- written by Deborah Robinson, May 2021

It's the eleventh hour.

All our bridges are burned.

Can't go back where we were.

There's no way to return.

Why'd we end up like this?

I don't really know.

But I've always heard that

We reap what we sow.

- written by Deborah Robinson, March 2021

Lord, did You give us, this life, to be happy?

Or, just to be pawns, in a game?

Why, do You, let, the devil, devour,

When, 'the buck stops' with You, and Your Name?

- written by Deborah Robinson, March 2021

These are Pins that I really liked on Pinterest and Pinned to my "So 'Me'!" Boards:

[When I was a young woman, that's exactly what I did do, and it nearly destroyed me. It also wasn't worth it. Nothing good ever came of my doing that. I will not do that for anyone now. I'm happily single. I prefer being single! Frankly, I was bored, stifled, and held back, by relationships with men. I always lost more than I gained, in those relationships. The price, I paid, was always too high--- especially, for what I got, from them, in return.]