I found photographs from my dancer days

Recently, I started sorting through 3 old trunks I had, and came across alot of old photos, from the various chapters of my life. SO MANY MEMORIES, came flooding back, as I looked at each picture, including, a few I found from my dancer days. I don't have a scanner to scan them in. All I can do for right now is photograph the pictures using my cellphone camera, send them to my email, and then save them to my computer, to share here, in my blog post. They can provide a photographic account of this significant chapter of my life (with, more, still to cover, on this era of my life, at some point). They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. My pictures document things that I have been describing in my blog posts, about my dancer days. There are people who have heard my life story but find it difficult to believe, as I describe, ALL the TWISTS, AND TURNS, that my life has taken. I am, a VERY HONEST person, though. TRUTH, MATTERS, ALOT, TO ME. These pictures, clearly corroborate what I have been describing in my blog posts about becoming a nightclub dancer. They show the progression from the new girl to seasoned pro.

The first 3 photos, were taken at Mickey's 'Razzle Dazzle', in Council Bluffs, Iowa, when I first started dancing. In photo 1 and 2 I'm wearing the very first costume that I ever had, which was the fake fur one, that the other dancers had given me so that I could start working. It didn't have elastic in it at all. It was just strips of fake fur, cut into the shape of a bikini. Although, it doesn't show, I was wearing a pair of pantyhose, pinned in, to the costume bottom, which was required, by law, there, at the time. They were nude-colored, so they were, almost, invisible to the eye. They made the bikini bottom slide to the side, though, when I did leg raises, as I danced on stage. I HAD NO IDEA that was even happening, until a customer, who was seated by the stage, told me about it, as I lifted my leg over his head. I also, heard the, slang, expression, 'Shooting beaver', for the first time, from him. He had to tell me, what that even meant! I was so naive, coming into that career. In photo 3 I was still working at the Razzle as a brand new dancer, when this was taken, of me, but I finally had a costume made of fabric, with elastic to help keep it in place on my body. Those costumes were not that big to start with! As for my body shape, I have never been big in the breast area, but, I have great legs, and  a 'bubble' butt. Both, of which, were assets in dancing on stage. In photo 4 I was no longer working at the Razzle, nor was I, so new, and naive, anymore, which is evident, in the picture, based on my makeup, hairstyle, costume, and expression. This picture, of me, was taken during one of the times I worked at, the 'Backdoor Lounge', in Omaha, Nebraska. That, and 'The Twenties', were my 2 favorite clubs.

                                                        Photo 1 

  Photo 2

                                                                        Photo 3

                                                                         Photo 4

As I continued, sorting through that old trunk, I found, this photo, of me, at 'The Twenties' nightclub in Omaha, Nebraska, where I live. I was going in for my work shift, that was normally 4 PM to 1 AM, there, in those days. (I have skinny arms.) At that time, 'The Twenties' (one of Mickey's clubs) had a live band playing in the main room, for couples to dance, and in the back, the smaller, but more intimate-feeling 'Show Girl' room, where I danced. I LOVE TO DANCE! I would occasionally take a night off, and inevitably I would show up at the club, to go dancing, to the live band music. When I went to a flea market in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn with my, third, husband, Tom, who was from Brooklyn, New York, I got a black t-shirt, with my (dancer) name "STEVIE" on it, that had little lights, that blinked, off and on (like the lights in the Go Go bars that I worked in did), around my name, that ran off a battery pack that was hidden underneath the t-shirt, when I wore it. I'd wear that, with jeans, when I went to the main room, at 'The Twenties', to let off steam, and dance, WITH guys, instead of, FOR guys back in the 'Showgirl Room'. That shirt was a big hit with people! Eventually, the nightclub stopped having live bands play in the main room and made the entire place into one large Go Go bar. 

[NOTE: I found the business card, for the place that I got the t-shirt, as I kept on sorting through all of the papers, pictures, and mementos, in my trunk. Here is a photo of the card. I wasn't able to find a photo of me wearing the t-shirt though.]

I had enjoyed getting to know all the guys in the bands. I would listen in on their rehearsals some days, when I was getting dressed to dance on stage, that night, instead of, being out front, to see them perform, when we opened, to the public, that evening. I have never felt like I ever get ENOUGH of listening to, dancing to, and, singing to, MUSIC! There was one crazy night that I was dancing with a guy out front, to the band's last song, of the night, when I got this idea, to throw my BRA up onto the stage while they were playing. I reached underneath my t-shirt, unhooked it, and slipped it off, under there, one strap at a time. Then, I tossed it up on the stage, from where I was, still, dancing on the crowded dance floor. The band members looked stunned, but kept singing, and playing their instruments. I don't think that anything like that had EVER happened to THEM, before, based on their surprised looks. One, of the guitar players, picked up my bra, from, where it had landed by his feet, on the stage floor, and he hung it on the end of his guitar, while he played the rest of the song! But then, it was MY turn to be shocked now!

Something, that I did NOT expect, happened. Suddenly, several women, from the crowd on the dance floor, started taking off their bras and tossing them up on the stage along with mine. The band just kept playing the whole time and EVERYONE was REALLY ENJOYING JOINING IN, on this youthful fun! I bet that band ALWAYS REMEMBERED THAT NIGHT, at 'The Twenties'. A funny note, about that, though. I wasn't shy about taking my clothes off, at that point, because I was a trained and seasoned, professional, nightclub, entertainer. But, the 'regular' women, were not as outgoing or brave, about taking their bras off, that night, though. How would I know? I was THE ONLY WOMAN, who walked right up, to the stage, after that last song, as the crowd started to leave, the club, at closing, and CLAIMED MY BRA! I told that guitar player, "That's MY bra, hanging on your guitar. May I have it back, please?" (I think he wanted to keep it, as a 'souvenir', of a, memorable, night!) It was a very nice bra, so I wasn't willing to permanently part with it yet. He gave it  back to me, with a grin on his face! NONE of the OTHER women came forward, to claim their bras, though. Every one of them, as I recall, were too shy to ask for it. You HAVE to learn to be OUTGOING, to be a dancer, and I had learned that WELL.

That trunk, seemed like it was a bottomless pit, of photos, and old but significant papers. >sigh!< I kept working on sorting it, bit by bit, day by day, hoping to get this 'project' finished. I tossed out alot of things, that don't have any meaning for me anymore, as I went. I also found some that reminded me of times and things that I had forgotten about. Some were better forgotten, but some were precious, and bittersweet, memories for me. Especially, letters and cards I had gotten from my second husband, Jim, from, back when, we dated, then, lived together, during our tech schools at Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Mississippi, and before we got married (he really stopped, communicating, with me, after we got married, which was heartbreaking, for me, and, of course, distanced me, from him, emotionally). Even though, he IS, the ONE man that, I know, I will love forever, we just weren't right for each other, as it turned out. He showed me, again and again, going back to when we dated, actually (although, I was too much in love, with him, to take it as seriously as I should have), that his top priorities in his life were (1) his career and climbing his, ambitious, ladder to success in that area, and (2) other peoples' opinions of him--- and therefore (by extension, as his woman) ME. I wasn't EVER even in his Top Three things, that he cherished in his life, because he also put the preferences of his parents over anything that I thought, or felt, about any of that. He showed me, that he, really, didn't even care, about that! My son, Jay, retorted to me, once, in an email to me, that I made him feel bad, by telling him the truth about Jim and I becoming pregnant, with him, and getting married, because of it.

He, also, responded to my telling him some, painful, things that I went through in my own life, as me "complaining", rather than sharing, to help him know me, and better understand things about the family dynamic. He said, I was telling him, he was "a mistake", and I never said that. People, the world over, find themselves in the situation of dealing with unplanned pregnancies, every day. Jay resulted from one of those. But, to ME, besides the fact that I LOVED MY BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY,  I chose to have him--- when, everyone else was saying for me to get an abortion, at first--- BECAUSE, he resulted from, my DEEP LOVE FOR JIM, who was, the love of my life, to this day. THAT, MAKES JAY SOMEONE EXTREMELY PRECIOUS TO ME; so, I was hurt, by his response about it. I can't get him to see through my eyes. I tried, but it was obvious he just wanted to, distance, himself, from me, by all that he did and said, in our email exchanges over a couple of months. So I let him go, again, as it felt to me, like that was, really, what he wanted. I had only contacted him, in the first place (after he had already blown me off completely, starting two decades before; leaving me hanging, all that time), to see if he wanted to use the energy, angst, and conflicting feelings, involved in his relationship with me, as his actual (birth!) mother, to write some songs together. His goal had always been to 'make it big', as an entertainer, and I was THE family member, with experience in that field, as well as, THE family member, that WROTE SONGS--- like, HE does--- ever since I was a little girl (some, of which, I found, in the trunks that I sorted).

I figured, we could collaborate, online, etc., and see what we could come up with. After all, he would not be any worse off, for our efforts, and I wanted to, and was willing to, do my very best to help him, anyway I could, to reach his desired goal.

'No harm, no foul', as they say, if nothing good came out of it. But, because he is turning 40, this year (which, is middle-aged), and still hasn't obtained his biggest dream in life, Jay's accessing, such 'emotionally charged', thoughts, and feelings,  could, lead to some songs, that could spark something, to happen, for him, in his music career goals. My first outreach, to him, on YouTube, challenged him to first write some lyrics or a song, with me, through the internet. I was well aware that, for whatever his reasons, he had chosen in his twenties to cut all communication, with me, after we had been close before and able to talk about anything with one another, through the years. So he had, already, rejected me, which hurt me, alot, and confused me. So, IT TOOK ALOT for me to reach out to him at all! I sincerely wanted to HELP HIM IF I COULD, though! THAT was my ONLY purpose, in getting in touch with him, after being blown off, by him, so long ago. I had kept track, of his career trajectory, online, and read his thoughts and posts about it, on various sites over the years. So, I knew, that he was nowhere near where he dreamed of being, with his music career. I thought that, my input certainly couldn't hurt, and could even help jumpstart something for him. So I TRIED. Right away though his reaction left me feeling uncomfortable; so I regretted it. Because I LOVE MY SON though, and sincerely HOPED I COULD HELP, I tried, to reestablish some rapport, with him, then, to see if I could get him to open up, to me, so I could, again, ask him, to try, to write some songs, with me, for his use. It never went well, though.

He kept me at a distance, emotionally; was polite--- at first--- but kept me out of his, personal, life now, and ended up, telling me, that, 'respect is earned', as in, I haven't EARNED HIS, by implication, besides telling me, that what I shared made him FEEL bad. THOSE were the EMOTIONS that I was TRYING to TAP INTO, as do all successful musicians, to use them in their songwriting, so listeners can FEEL it and RESONATE with it. Those carry the stuff of SONGS! I also noticed, though, in our emails, that Jay 'inherited' his father's, and stepmother's, penchant for, being generally pleasant, to everyone, at all times, even when superficiality is required, to do that, which doesn't serve songwriting well, at all; and Jay was allowing that to cause him to 'self-censor' the much more real and raw emotions and thoughts, that he had. None, of this, makes for good songwriting; which is why, I wanted to be real, with him, and try, to set his, emotional, communication free, finally. I got that, but AIMED AT ME. >sigh!< They say, the pathway to hell is paved with good intentions. His father found the wife he needed, to support his life goals, because they, strongly, prefer maintaining a likeable image, at all times, over raw and real substance, like I tend toward, which I think is a LARGE PART of THE REASON that my son's music isn't anywhere close to hitting the Billboard Top 40. I have always loved Jay's father above all others; BY FAR. But, I was miserable when he wanted me to join in to his, social, superficiality, and I just didn't want to live my life that way. Sometimes, whether with a man, a woman will always love, or a child that a mother has given birth to and loves, LOVE JUST ISN'T ENOUGH to CONQUER ALL.

I am 65 now, and officially a 'little old lady', complete with gray hair that is often in a bun atop my head and an expression on my face that appears tired from my journey through this life. My bearing the brunt, and the blows, of my life, left me broken, in many ways, and has had a, noticeable, draining-me-dry, effect, on my vitality, and peace of mind. It's, all, taken its toll, on me, to be sure! I am TIRED. My profile photo, for my blog, is from 'my blond era' during my fifties. I have not wanted to update it to my gray-haired self yet, because I am too miserable in my current living situation, in this apartment that I have 'existed' in, for the last four years, to even, be able, to take a, happy, or, upbeat, photograph, of myself. I am hoping, that I will be able to get to a better place, in my life, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and hopefully rejuvenate MY SOUL, from its extremely unhappy life here. I want to recover and recuperate, from my horribly stressful time here, and then take a current photo that reflects me feeling better, than I do now. The September blog post will be expounding on what I am referring to in more detail. But, these photographs of me with dark brunette hair show my original hair color.

The photo, below, is of me, at the Backdoor Lounge, before the lights went down, and the 'magic' happened with the darkness glistening with mirror ball reflections and the sexy music pulsating through everyone's body. It is fluffy, white, fake fur.  I made the pink costume, in the picture following this one. I did all the beadwork, on it, myself, too-- one bead at a time-- so that it had movement when I danced!  I was standing at the, unglamorous, dressing room door, at the Backdoor Lounge, as I was about to go out into the club, to start my 7-hour shift there for the night. I LOVED the 80s! The big hair, the dance music, the party-feel to the decade. . . . It was such a fun time to be alive and young! I really liked the Disco days. It was all the perfect backdrop, for my living much more 'superficially', as, my alter ego, 'Stevie'. I wasn't my, usually, more spiritual self, during those years. I was trying to distract myself from alot of heartbreak, and deep, genuine, grief, that I had in my life. This, was a lighthearted decade, which helped me feel alot more upbeat! 

    

If you compare, one of my very first dancer photos (such as, the first one, below) to photographs taken of me later on in my dancer career, you can really see what  I have been describing in my posts about being my alter ego 'Stevie', when I was a dancer in the nightclubs, and how I gradually grew into that persona, by either, evolving, or devolving, into that, depending on your perspective about it. I LIVED IT, so, I would have to say that, honestly, it was, A BIT OF BOTH, of those things.

  

I made this green costume. At first I didn't know how to really dance this way, or make my own costumes (although I knew how to sew). Then I began to improve as a nightclub entertainer, as I learned the ropes, dancing, on stage, as the LIVE ENTERTAINMENT, that people came to see (mostly men, but not always men--- I had a couple of female customers that came to see me dance, too!). Eventually I began sewing many of my costumes myself, as part of my creative expression of what I wanted 'Stevie' to look like, up on stage. As I made more in tips I had the seamstress, Lee, make my costumes. She had started out in the business--- but, making costumes--- at the same time that I started in the business, as a dancer, at the Razzle Dazzle, years before. Just as I had progressed as a dancer, Lee had become an excellent seamstress. Her costume creations sold for alot of money. I simply told her I wanted a certain style or color of costume, and she made it, for me. Once I called her up and asked her to make me costumes in all of the colors that I didn't yet have, in my collection. I had the money, to pay her for her skills. 

The following two pictures were taken of me at 'The Twenties' nightclub on one of my nights off, when I still went out, to the very nightclub that I worked in-- in the 'Show Girl' room-- to go dancing in the main room where the live bands played. I had a good friend, Neil, who was the sound man for one of the bands. When they played there, he would set the sound controls, and come out onto the dance floor to dance with me. I have a photograph of Neil, dancing with me, and my bouncer boyfriend (for a short while), Tim, dancing with me while I was wearing the outfit in the picture below. But, I didn't include them here, because the photos seemed too dark, to show up well enough. I might decide to try, to add them, later on, to this post, though. Dancing was my job but also my passion! I really enjoyed it! It was great, to have a job that, felt like play, and paid well, too! I think that Denny, the club manager, at 'The Twenties', took these two photos of me. He didn't mind, a bit, if I, partied, there, on my nights off-- I was good for business, either way. I kept their customers happy! Dancing, FOR guys, in the 'Show Girl' room, or WITH them, in the main ballroom, they were enjoying themselves. I had alot of fun too! 

The photo above was taken during my Riunite period, when I was drinking at the club. For, most, of my dancer career, I did not drink, any alcohol, though. I drank juice, or coffee. I just knew that it would be bad for my health and age me faster. It would also make me more vulnerable, and subject me to potential danger also. As I have described, in previous posts, about dancing in these nightclubs, it could be a very dangerous place to allow yourself to be vulnerable, or to let your guard down. Being drunk certainly causes both those conditions. At least it did with me.