'Mister Right' never found me. “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” . . . .

[NOTE: This post disproves the MYTH that 'MEN are NOT EMOTIONAL creatures'.]

In honor of Valentine's Day this month I am sharing some of the things that men have written to me over the years, which I had packed away, with all of my other memorabilia, that I sorted a few months ago. The emotions, men claimed to feel, for me, in these cards and letters, were saved as my reminder that I had at least gotten under their skin, if not in their hearts. It's so ironic that a woman who has had so many, superficial, chances at 'love' has still to this very day never had the deep, true, love, that I had simply expected, when I was younger, and even cried out to God for; apparently to no avail. Because of my being in the military, which is largely populated by males, and working as a dancer in nightclubs, for years, I have met and talked to and gotten to know thousands of men in my lifetime. Yet, out of all those men who have come through my life in some capacity there have only been two who have unlocked my very careful heart, and neither one of them wanted my heart. That is why I say that I have not found love. Being 'in love' has to be a two-way street for it to matter. The closest, I have ever come, to, mutual, love was with my second husband. The one I described in several of my posts as, 'the one man that I would love forever'. I honestly think that, our love was based on our intense, and incessant, sexual chemistry with one another, though; not on any, deeply shared, values, or goals. I view men as having been a quantity-over-quality let down for me throughout my life. I finally cut my losses and quit trying.

The following things are being transcribed here verbatim and the writer of each is identified, along with a little background on the person and/or on my relationship with them, although, I can't recall many of these men, who wrote these things to me. I've often felt that men say such things as are in these cards and letters just to try to 'sweet talk' a girl into bed with them. With that being my mindset about alot of what men say and do, causing all of it to be suspect, then, I probably just chalked up most of these statements they made to me to their being more horny than loving and let it go at that, as being something more superficial than special.

Even though it may be an ego trip that so many men made such a fuss over me I would gladly have traded all of it and more to have been truly loved, by one good man. I have NEVER known what THAT feels like; and knowing how my life's been, in that area, I fully expect to stay single for the rest of my life; using my vibrator, while, trying, to remember what laying there with another human being feels like. It has been decades since I have done that. Men. They have either been 'feast or famine' in my life, only the 'feast' seemed like JUNK FOOD that would have never satisfied my soul. Maybe I didn't give some of them enough of a chance with me. They seemed nice enough, on the surface. But 'chemistry' comes into play with a romantic connection, and clearly I just wasn't feeling that with ANY of these men.

The cards

Some of the notes that men wrote to me in the cards, pictured above, are below:

John responded to a personal ad that I placed

John and I dated very briefly. He was an Air Force officer. He responded to a personal ad that I placed in the local paper (how we met people before the internet and singles' dating websites, etc.) I had written that I wanted an intelligent man with an education, because I was tired of guys who couldn't discuss deeper issues in this world, and John told me that was what he really liked about my honest personal ad, and responded to. I just didn't feel 'safe' with him, alone, in person, and I don't know why. My spirit just felt disquieted within me, when I was around him, and I didn't continue to date him long enough to find out why. I just trusted my gut that he was not 'Mr. Right' for ME, and moved on.

My actual Personal Ad, from the local newspaper Bellevue Leader, was tucked inside this card from John and is yellowed with age. The date on the piece of newspaper says September 30, 1992. Under the "Personals" column in the paper, my ad read, "ATTRACTIVE WHITE female, slim, 5'9", blue eyed brunette that's outgoing, open, intelligent Christian with a spontaneous personality and a sense of humor SEEKS intelligent, college educated, non-smoking mature white male in 30s or 40s that's good company. Must be: communicative, not closed or moody, enthusiastic about life; honesty a must! NO GAMES! This lady enjoys stimulating verbal debates, eating out and has a wide range of interests including travel, music and reading. Photos appreciated. Write to: Box Holder, P.O. Box 1083, Bellevue, NE 68005-1083."

He sent me this card, during our very brief relationship, though. The printed card face read: Know what's special about you? Everything! In fact, it would really be impossible to single out one thing I like best about you. . . because everything about you is so great. Your smile, your way of talking, your way of understanding me . . . not to mention your great looks, and how fun you are to be with. It all adds up to one great person-- somebody I really like a lot! John added this note, "With great affection, your friend John". There's a gold gift card stamped "VICTORIA'S SECRET London" and a note inside it saying, "For Deborah The most special person in my life, and a good friend. John", but I have no memory of what gift he bought me from there. 

He enclosed a lengthy, handwritten, note, in the greeting card, also, which said:

John Adams

"Dear Debora[h]

         I feel, in such a short time I've grown very close to you. The affection I have for you is very real, and so intense I don't have words to properly describe it. I trust you and enjoy the time we spend together very much. 

        I'm not looking for a wife or a lover. I'm in search of a real friend to share my life with. I really think I've found her-- You!

        I can't help but wonder if in some small way we were brought together as an answer to some of our prayers. At least for me you are the answer to one of my prayers.     

        I hope in some way I can help answer some of your prayers. I will do anything I can for you. There really isn't any way I can repay the happiness you've already brought into my life, but I need to try.

        I'll always be here when you need me.

                                                               Your friend

                                                               John

[NOTE: John was ALL talk and VERY LITTLE substance. We didn't date long at all.]

Some of the cards, notes, and letters, from men during my dancer days

My main dancer alias, that I went by, for years, was 'Stevie'

I met Grant while I was working at Lipstix in Council Bluffs, Iowa. He was in sales and traveled his, multi-state, route, selling embalming supplies to funeral parlors, but he lived in Minnesota. He was married. We were never involved, romantically, or sexually, but it was clear, by the things, he said, and did, that he wanted to be. He reminded me of my father and even had the same last name, which deepened that perception I had of him. He had to stay in motels and eat out on his route so he asked me to eat dinner with him when his travels brought him back to Omaha again. All I ever did was eat out with him. He said he would appreciate having my company. One Sunday morning he called me, though, when he was home with his family, in Minnesota, for the weekend, and told me that he had stayed home, and sent them on to church, without him, because he wanted to call me. I realized he wanted more than a dinner companion, from me, then, and I didn't want to break his heart, or wreck his life, so I didn't encourage him in it. [The printed card face] "Getting to know you is really alot of fun for me.  No matter what we do or where we go, I know I'll have a good time. Maybe that's because we never have to work at it. When  we're  together,  good times just happen naturally.  Being with you is something I always look forward  to, and  the  times  we  spend  together  always leave me feeling in a happy mood.  You're a nice person.  I  like  you.  And I  just wanted to tell you so." [Part of the handwritten note, inside, from Grant]  ". . . . I needed to sen[d] this card to thank you for your friendship. I pray every day that I  won't  do  anything  that  will  scare you away. I am looking forward to hearing more chapters. . . ."

Another card from Grant was a birthday card to my cockatiel, CeeBee-- my bird baby-- but he added a note to it, which included "Give your mama a big kiss for me- She is a wonderful lady".

Tim, was one of my 'Call Girl' customers, when I was involved in that, for a very short span of time near the end of my dancing when I worked as an undercover informant, for the Omaha Police Department. Tim was a married man. I REALLY did not want to bring that up again, here in this post, as I have already covered that [https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2021/11/twin-franklins-price-of-prostitution.html] and it was a low point in my life in so many ways. A definite 'dark night of the soul' for me. I sat here, debating, whether to 'sanitize' who he, actually, was, in his relationship with me, in this post, but the truth is the truth. It is what it is. I decided to go ahead, and include it, again, in the context of this post's particular subject matter, because knowing this is very instructive for the average person, who is most likely very naive, as I used to be on this subject, of who the men are, who hire prostitutes; and will, therefore, be shocked, at the reality of the situation. Try to comprehend if you can, something that REALLY SHOCKED ME about the men who engage in this. They are sitting in the church pews, on Sunday mornings, next to their wives. In fact, the man who  is in the pulpit giving the sermon from God's Word, may be someone buying sex services. I honestly thought I could tell by looking at men, if they were the 'type' to seek such relationships, but there truly is no type, that someone can pinpoint. Men, are able to compartmentalize their lives, in a way women can't seem to do. That is the best way that I can explain how this happens, even with, 'good' men. 

My customers ALL appeared to be truly nice, 'salt of the earth', guys. You would have NEVER SUSPECTED that they paid for sex. Some of them, were single, but some were married. Only they know their reasons for doing this. Besides my not being able to tell just by looking at them, the other thing that shocked me came from my erroneous assumption that the married ones must be in bad marriages and hate their wives, but that was not at all true! They talked about their wives, and kids, openly, and even spoke, lovingly, of their spouses. It didn't even really sound like they were driven to it, out of any particular 'unmet need' they had. It just seemed more like they were simply curious and wanted 'different'. I recall a maintenance man, at an apartment that I lived in, decades later, starting to talk about how he loved his wife, but that he wondered to himself, when he was in a woman's apartment, fixing something on their Work Order, what it might be like  to just have sex with them because, as he put it himself, he just wanted to know  if somebody else 'did it different', than his wife did it with him. Simple 'curiosity'. He had a very attractive young wife, and was a devoted married man and father. 

Back to Tim, and the cards that he seemed to enjoy picking out and giving to me. One has nothing on the front but a sweet photo of a white Labrador puppy sitting in a tin pail that's hanging on a fencepost. The inside is printed with these words: Without you I'm a pail version of my usual self. Tim wrote "Miranda* Just wanted to let you know how much I look forward to  talking to you and seeing you again.  I truely enjoy your company  and I'm hopeful that I'll get to know you  in a more intimate way. You are an  incredibly lovely person, both inside  and out!  See you soon, Tim."  It appears to be one that he wrote to me when we were just getting to know one another, sitting and talking at the Backdoor Lounge, where I worked. 

Tim brought me another card for our first 'date'. Because there was NO REASON that he NEEDED to romance ME, in the situation, I found it to be both surprising, and touching, that he did.  Maybe men really aren't just looking for sex.  Maybe, like alot of women do, men miss the romance, too. He handed me this card, and the front of it read, "I think of you often  but sometimes forget  that the thought  doesn't  count  if you don't know it yet", and the printed inside said, "So here's a 'Hello' that's intended to say you've been on my mind, especially today!" Then he added, "ESPECIALLY Today!! Tim." and then, over to the side of that, "Miranda, I hope this  experience is as rewarding  and fulfilling for you as I am sure it will be for me. Tim." I added my own note to the card, later, that said, "6-4-98 $200.00  in this card for 1st 'pro' w/Tim 2 roses were w/card". He took me to dinner, first. 

Another card from Tim had a front that read: "When you're not here, I just can't seem to get on top of things." Inside it said, "you, for  example." Adding a note, inside, Tim wrote "Miranda, I saw this card and thought it somehow appropriate. I'm hoping you are looking forward to the 29th as much as I am, to remedy this situation. Thinking of you, Tim"

I'm sitting here feeling so sad, as I relived those memories from that dark time. I feel tears in my eyes. If you read my post about the prostitution (the link to it, is included, above) I referred to Tim as "Greg", in that post. I don't recall why, now, but I think it was because I honestly could not remember his name, until, I came across these old cards that he gave to me 25 years ago, as I was sorting through all my mementos, that document my life story. I haven't had sex with anyone, at all, since then. I had three TRULY AWFUL kisses, with a man, last summer, that I never should have kissed (and that was MY FAULT, for doing that, not his), which was the first, and only, time, I have kissed ANY man on the mouth, since my last marriage ended when I was in my 30s! It was also the only physical exchange of any sexual nature I've done in the last 25 YEARS of my life. Pathetic, I know, but true, nevertheless, whether you believe that or not. It seems that, if I stood right in front of Cupid, so his arrow would HAVE TO hit me, IT WOULD MISS somehow.

It may not seem like it, but I have been single, uninvolved, and celibate for most of my adult life including now. There REALLY is just not ANY man that is not more TROUBLE than THEY ARE WORTH. I literally THANK GOD on a regular basis that I am SINGLE! I have felt this way for decades. I enjoy laughing and having fun but  I don't want a man in my private life because I NEED PEACE and they disappoint, anger, and annoy me, so often. I don't have the energy or desire to deal with the CRAP, they bring, into MY life. It is TOO STRESSFUL, and not a good enough ROI.

Paper bar napkins were always handy to have around, as communication devices. Club customers, who left the bar with a dancer's coveted personal phone number, scribbled on a napkin they tucked away for safekeeping, in their wallet or pocket, 
were certainly grateful for those. Sometimes notes were written on them like this one to me from a, Jewish, club customer, whom I was using Yiddish phrases with throughout our chat, which I had learned from a gentleman who was a patient of mine in the hospital, when I was in nursing. Mel used the word "meshuga", and I am someone who has NEVER wanted to 'dull my shine', just to blend in, with the crowd, so I considered it a compliment! Mel and I had bantered back and forth in between my having to go up on stage to perform, and I know he meant it kindly!

Below, is a photo of some more old bar napkins. Tissue-like pieces of paper, that captured some of the moments, from my days working as a dancer, in the clubs. It's hard to see his faded signature, as Josh got right to the point, with me. I do not remember him at all out of the thousands of men that I met and talked to in these places, over the years, but I had an impact on him, that night at the bar. I likely saved it for someday when I was a gray-haired old lady, as I am now, just  to reassure myself that there was a time in my life when I was young, attractive, and desirable, enough that, a young man would write a note to me, on a napkin, that said, "I want you BAD!" The other 3 napkins are just lipstick 'kisses' of mine that I would do and give to the club customers, as 'souvenirs' of their visit to the club, and their conversation, with me; hoping, they would be reminded to return.

I got a one page, typewritten, letter, from a club customer who signed it "Gary". I wrote a note at the top of this thing to remind me of some of the unsavory side of dealing with club customers. It wasn't all glamour and gentlemen, although some of it was. It was written to me, as "Miranda", which means it was near the end of my dancer career, when I was working as an informant for the Omaha Police, and for the first time, in my entire dancing career,  I was doing some limited 'Call Girl' type of prostitution (NOT 'street walking'), specifically to sully my reputation, so I could get the criminals, and gang members and the dancers who hung with them to trust me enough to let me in on conversations and so forth. It worked but to a very limited extent and the price I paid for that, by grieving the Holy Spirit in me, was most definitely not worth it. This guy had sat with me on several occasions. I even had him coming up to me in the Old Market when I was off work. He tried to sit and talk with me there on my time off away from my job where I was required to talk to these men. I just walked away from him. He knew I wasn't into him. He was a 'sleazy, slimy' kind of just-really-gross guy. Other women, will know, what I mean, by that, but I don't know if men will know, what I mean. Maybe. Anyway, I wrote a note, to myself, at the top of this letter, that he typed, to me, which said:

"I got this from a (gross) club customer, that brought a plain, gray, ribbed turtleneck sweater into the Backdoor Lounge where I was a dancer, & then he thought for some sick reason he could actually sleep with me. I told him how health conscious I was (& safety, etc.), to put him off, & did; but, then, he gave me this & I kept it only as a reminder of how out-of-real[i]ty & gross & sick, etc., club customers can be. Ugh!"

Here is his letter to me as 'Miranda', in the bar where I worked as a dancer:

"Miranda,

          Thanks for hearty comments on Tuesday, December 23. How nice of you to be so kind to someone had given you something for Christmas and was kind enough to purchase your new costume. I will be sure to wear my gloves the next time I stop in as I wouldn't want you to pick up any strange viruses.

         I was touched to hear that you are pursuing other activities to earn a few extra dollars. I was thinking of giving you a picture of Grant just to help out during the holidays but I felt a little hurt as I walked out. [NOTE: I have blog readers in 62 countries now, not just the U.S., so for those of you who may not know, Grant is pictured on a $50.00 bill, and this jerk was trying to wave a 'lost' tip in my face because I refused to 'accommodate' him. As for his reference to my 'earning a few extra dollars' for my doing prostitution, I was paid $200.00-- twin Franklins, which are hundred dollar bills, plus taken out to eat, and sometimes drinks, as well, plus the men paid for a motel or a hotel room. Some even brought me flowers, and gifts! So, all-in-all, they spent at least several hundred dollars to be with me; each time. I also had repeat/regular customers, even though I only did this for a very short time, who KNEW the 'product' they were getting, after the first time with me, and were more than willing to spend all of that again, to be with me. So, this jerk that wrote me this is what my Twitter friends would call 'a whiny little bitch'. Plus, NONE of my customers that I slept with were GROSS like him. They were nice, clean, guys-- who even used CONDOMS, for me-- and STILL really liked it.]  
            I was thinking of asking you out on New Year's Day for a little fun. I would have picked you up around 3:30 PM. We would have gone out for something to eat then checked into to a motel for some mutual sex (your fee is appropriate and would have been in an envelope). I was thinking of giving you a lovely body massage -beginning with your back, down across your lovely little ass, down your legs, turn you over and finish with your legs, then start with your breasts and nipples which I would gently kiss and caress, down across your tummy to your sweet little pussy which I would have licked your clit while my fingers would have stroked your pussy. After you had a nice little orgasm, I would have laid down on the bed and you could have climbed on and rode my cock (with rubber) until I too had an orgasm. You would then lay down at my side and we would have just hugged and I would have continued to your nipples and breasts. After we had wound down, we could have gotten dressed and I would have taken you back to your apartment. I was even thinking of getting you some nice lingerie just for yourself. A nice long sheer gown to sit around in and enjoy. 

        But alas, you probably wouldn't want to touch me unless you had on rubber gloves and we were in a tent with alcohol mist since I am so covered with germs and I must be carrying all kinds of unhealthy sexual viruses."

                                                                  (it was signed, Gary)

[NOTE: I wouldn't have EVER wanted to touch HIM, or HIM to touch ME, even if he was THE VERY LAST MAN ON EARTH, and, HELL had just FINALLY FROZEN OVER.]

NOTHING about that misogynistic, thinly-veiled-hostility, toward me, was in ANY way TITILLATING, or ENTICING to me. I have that same cringeworthy, icky feel, that I felt, the first time, I read that thing, just from having to reread it, now, to transcribe it, verbatim, into this blog post. It leaves me feeling like, I need to go take a shower, to wash his grossness off of me. I was never with him, nor would that have EVER happened with him. I even found his letter to be frightening. He seemed like that type of guy that would hurt you or worse if you ever fell for his bullshit; which I never did-- which is why he stayed so angry at me. He couldn't have me, and he was furious about that. He reminded me of creeps that torture women just to hear them scream and beg for their lives. When men I don't like, or sometimes, don't even know, or even those like Mark, below, that I did know well but wasn't at all attracted to, EXPRESS these EXTREMELY DETAILED PLANS, which they want to achieve with ME, that THEY ALREADY KNOW, are NOTHING I WANT, it's concerning to me. Even troubling. I saved the letter as an example of the dark side, of working as a dancer, in nightclubs. It was, dangerous, at times.

   

Good times, on the Air Force base

I have NO idea exactly where or how I met this man, but I think it was during the year that I was divorcing Tom but I still had my dependent ID to access the base.  I was fed up, with trying to commit to a man, and continually being disappointed, by them, in marriage, so that year I had a blast, playing the field and dating ALOT of different men. That song, 'It's Raining Men' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5aZJBLAu1E), was MY LIFE for that one, super fun year! I didn't have to try. I just walked onto the base any time day or night, and within minutes I had met a man, or two, or three or . . . . I didn't take a lover although I easily could have. I just enjoyed being wined, and dined, danced with, and desired, by so many men, because my attempts at marriage had always ended in heartbreak for me so I did not want to 'settle down' again with any guy, anytime soon. The closest I came to a 'steady' relationship that year was with an Air Force intelligence officer that was part of the crew on the Looking Glass**-- Edgar. Just now, after all these years, I Googled him, and there he was on my computer screen. The same guy, but white-haired now. It says he is the President and CEO of an organization in Washington, DC. He had an 'air' about him in more ways than one. He had "III" after his name and his family was very prominent, including, in military circles. But, the reason I broke up with him was because he would NOT WEAR DEODERANT!  He would call me up, from some Top Secret location up in the Looking Glass which he could not divulge to me, to arrange a dinner date with me at the Officers Club, for when he returned to base. He did shower, and put on a suit, for those occasions. But when He came straight to see me, still, in his flight suit, and he removed it, to cuddle, I could not get past the fact that, alot of body odor was released, into the air, when he did that. I asked him to shower, at my place, and I tried to discuss it with him, but he did not want to wear deoderant, and that, really, stunk up our relationship, to the point that I stopped seeing him, because of it. My luck at love just STINKS.

Sometimes, even literally.

>sigh<

I digressed into the thing about Edgar. I do have mementos from my time dating him, but they are several photos of us dressed up for dinner at the Officers Club, and I did not include them in this post. Below, is an elegant cardstock Christmas card, from a man that was in Britain's Royal Air Force at the time that we met at Offutt. Allies do fly into U.S. air bases and dock at navy ports, at times. Again, I  do not remember exactly how we met. Although I did drink and party some that year, I was mostly quite sober, but simply cannot recall him, after 35 years have passed give or take, including because I was seeing several men then and wasn't spending alot of time with any particular one of them, so I was spreading myself thin, socially speaking. This card has a navy blue grosgrain ribbon attached to it, and is embossed in silver, on the front. Inside Bob's squadron address is printed, and he wrote the note "Debbie, (I wasn't a dancer at the time so I was using my real name) such a dreamy voice! Bob. T". I don't know, his last name, to Google him, now, but I could contact the squadron, and ask them, if they can determine who "Bob T" was back then. After all these years I doubt that I will do it, though.  I did pull this article up on Google just now, which at least talks about Bob's unit, among alot of other things. It has some photographs of its location, and so forth. (https://www.flying-tigers.co.uk/2021/raf-scampton-corgi-aviation-archive-and-hobbymaster-new-model-arrivals/) I had other saved correspondences from Bob so he tried to develop a relationship with me for awhile, mostly through letters. I likely would have thought that, the distance of him living 'across the pond' would be too much of an obstacle to overcome.It seems that I never encouraged him to have a relationship with me, for some reason, and eventually his letters stopped.  I feel strangely sad about that now, because Bob wrote to me so enthusiastically. On the other hand because space is so limited in my home, which is why I sorted my mementos a few months ago, to narrow it down, from how many there were,  I think I threw away the stack of letters from Bob, without even rereading them, because there seemed to realistically be no point in sitting here doing that, now.

In a torn and faded envelope, with the barely visible postmark of "1980" on it, I found a lengthy letter, written to me, on pink paper, from Mark [P.]. I was in the Air Force myself then, stationed at Offutt AFB. "Amn Debbie Gray PSC #2 Offutt AFB, Nebraska 68113". The return address was an APO, in "New York 09127". I  do remember Mark. He lived in the coed dorm, I was assigned to, when I got to Offutt. He was extremely tall and lanky, awkward, and geeky-seeming. I wasn't attracted to him at all. I actually hid from him, at times, because he sought me  out so much. I felt sorry for him, but that was about it. It's sad that my life has gone like that. I'm not attracted to men like Mark that would give me the world and all their love if I would just be in a romantic relationship with them. Yet the extremely limited times I've ever felt love for a man, those relationships NEVER COULD HAVE WORKED OUT. So, Mark, Bob, and many others, over my lifetime, have felt disappointment on their end, but so have I on mine. It has just NEVER MATCHED UP for me. It is so bad that, I don't even trust my heart, to know who really is worth loving, or who might, truly, love me, well, if I let them. For ME, I, REALLY, have to FEEL a GENUINE attraction and connection and that's SO RARE, for me. I am not in love with anybody, now, and I am so disgusted, at how men treat me, that I doubt I will even want to open myself up, to anyone, again. All things considered I am actually alot happier with NO man in my life. I am SURE that I NEVER found 'the one'. Or at least I THINK I'm sure. Maybe, Michael. . . ?

Here is Mark's handwritten letter to me, when I was a young woman in the USAF:

                                                                                         September 2, 1980

Dear Debbie

       The moment I met you I knew that you were special. No other woman I ever met won me over as quickly or as completely as you did in the first minute of our first conversation. Being with you was like walking through Paradise.

       Of course, everywhere there was Jim***. I saw no purpose in trying to fight against him over you for two reasons. First, because I am a coward in matters such as this and felt that there was simply no way I could win you from him. Secondly, I believed that you belong to him, as he belonged to you, and I had no right to try and steal what belonged to another man. I resigned myself to just being your friend.

      Then I was cast out of Paradise. Why, I still don't know, but I guess you had your reasons, and maybe they were good ones.

      I was hurt that you were avoiding me. I was angry at you, but I knew inside myself that the real blame lay with me, I had failed you somehow, and I was really angry with myself. Outwardly, though, I was determined to ignore you and have nothing to do with you ever again.

                                                                                                                  2

     Yet everywhere I went you seemed to pop up out of nowhere and everytime I saw you I would feel chills and trembling and a racing heart. I knew then that I had feelings for you which would withstand anything you could do to me.

     I kept hearing things about you. The dormitory is a small world, everyone knows one another and people talk. I heard, true or false, that you had broken up with Jim. The next day at breakfast I approached you and aske you how you were. I wanted to comfort you in any way I could. If my plunging the biggest knife they have in that dining hall kitchen into my heart would have brought Jim back to you and you and he would then live happily ever after, I would have done it. But instead I fumbled with your hat and fumbled with your CDC book and fumbled with my mouth and felt like a fumbling fool. You withdrew from me, so I left quickly.

    A week or so passed, and again I heard rumors. The stories said that you were stripping in front of men in the dormitory, and that you had entered some kind of strip tease contest at some joint. [NOTE: This is TRUE. My entering the contest, anyway. Some male Air Force buddies took me with them to a stripper bar- my first time in one of those clubs- and 'to let off steam' I did enter the contest at the end of the night, along with other women who were there.] They

                                                                                                                  3

said that you were sleeping with Frank [B]. [NOTE: This is FALSE. I definitely did NOT sleep with Frank, although he had 'started to grow on me' at this point, until I went to his dorm room one morning to tell him that-- because he had been chasing after me, for awhile-- and found him in bed with not one, I think, but two women. Frank was the complete opposite of Mark. He, was smart, too, but not geeky like Mark, and Frank was not 'buttoned up tight' like Mark. He was relaxed, fun-loving, and liked himself, none of which Mark seemed to be capable of doing, given his personality. Just as I saw them in bed, Frank saw me, and I turned and left. He had his dorm room door wide open, so anyone in the hallway could see this scene. Maybe for some sort of 'bragging rights', with the other guys? I'm glad I found out what Frank was really like, right before I made a mistake, with him.]

    This last story is the one that hurt me the most. It is also the story that prompted this letter and the question I am about to ask you. I should be asking it in person, but I am an ocean away from you right now-- in England-- so I will have to write it: Debbie, will you marry me? I love you.

   Maybe you are rolling on the floor with laughter right now. If so, I can handle that. My greatest fear is that my proposal will upset you and make your life more miserable. If that happened, I would walk in front of a truck. 

   I want to share your life, be your man and offer you strength and guidance when you need them, and take them from you when I need strength and guidance. I guess I should add, to be completely honest, that I desire you physically as well. You're beautiful.

   I would get out of he Air Force after one more hitch if you wanted me to, or even get out in November if that's what you truly wanted. I would dig ditches to support you, if that's the only job I could find. I would help you buy your house, and your department 

                                                                                                                 4

store furniture department, and help you raise your children: black, white, yellow, red and brown (perhaps a Puerto Rican, just to prove that they don't all turn out like George [H].

   I guess I know already what your answer is. Still, if there's the slightest chance for me, I had to ask. Maybe you love Frank Beale. [NOTE: Nope, and I was ANGRY about Mark writing me ALL THESE RUMORS that let me know how much GOSSIP was going on about me-- both true AND untrue-- that he was even hearing while over in ENGLAND! I disliked this letter as much as I did Mark himself. He was just ANNOYING.] Maybe you're back with Jim. Maybe there's someone else. Maybe there's nobody else but you just despise me. So be it. Whoever you go with or whatever you do, I want you to be happy. If my never seeing you again will help you achieve happiness, it is a price worth paying. I don't want to exert any pressure on you. Take care of yourself.  

                                                                         Sincerely,

                                                                                   Mark

. . . . I will be here until October 2, or thereabouts.

Michael, was a Lieutenant Colonel, in the Army, that I met when I remarried Tom and he was stationed at Fort Drum, in upstate New York, as an Air Force weather forecaster. Michael's unit was there, for training exercises, when I met him. They had to return home, to New York City, not long after that. We stayed in touch, by mail, and by phone, for many years, though. Michael wrote me alot of letters. He was tall and manly and bald; an officer and a gentleman, at all times, with me. I felt, very respected, and cared about, by him. He was wonderfully supportive, of me. I kept a few of his many letters to me, when I sorted my memorabilia. Here are some excerpts from those letters . . . . One last, but very important, thing, I am adding, to this paragraph, about Michael, as I near the completion of writing this post just prior to publishing it online: Of ALL the men I have EVER known in my life-- and there have been many thousands of men that I have encountered,  in some way, or other-- MICHAEL, is the ONLY one, who 'stood the test of time'. 

I told him when we met at Fort Drum and were first getting to know one another that I did not think we were compatible astrology signs, because he was a Virgo, and I am an Aquarius. That was 34 years ago. I always let that hold me back, in my mind, when I was interacting with him, over the years;  as silly, as that may sound, to some people, who don't put much credence, if any, into such things. I was talking to a Virgo friend recently who's happily involved with an Aquarius. I also knew of another couple that we both know, who are those two signs, and I told her about that fact regarding them. In rereading Michael's letters to me, he spoke of that in one of them-- my hesitancy, due to that fact-- and let me know that he didn't think it was an issue for us. But, I allowed it to be an elephant, in the room, between us, versus a, manageable, mouse. I gave it power over love.   

As I think about the men who have come through my life, to the present day, in writing this post, I see so clearly that, Michael, is the ONE, who ALWAYS SHONE ABOVE THE REST-- BY FAR-- in how he treated me, cared for me, and loved me.    I have tears in my eyes, as I'm typing this, because, NOW, it is likely TOO LATE. Due to the passing of, so much, time, it would be logical to assume he married, and moved on with his life, in New York City. I tried Googling him, while writing this post, because sometimes I can find out what happened to the people, from my past, that way. I tried several different ways to Search for him online, to no avail. There was an obituary, for a man with his name, and some of the facts in the write-up about that person indicated that it COULD be MY Michael. Even the photo COULD be him, if he gained alot of weight, over the years, and lost his fit physique that the military requires its service members to maintain. The man in the photo, which accompanied the obituary, was bald, but I could not be sure it was him; and if it WAS, then he is GONE off the face of the earth. I do have one other way to try to locate him, but I would have to go back into the memorabilia that I kept when I sorted all this stuff months ago and see if I saved a reference letter that he wrote for me for a job I applied for, that had his contact info on it.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

[NOTE: Today, Valentine's Day, 2023, I went upstairs to look through the things that I saved after sorting my memorabilia, and I found the reference letter that Michael wrote on my behalf. Using his Contact Information, on it, I tried to find him, but could not. I could see photos of his actual apartment address, in NYC,  online, and it was very clearly a man's apartment. But it went on the market in December 2020, and was rented again, in just 2 days. I have no idea if he was  the one living in it, just prior to that, either. The years we were communicating,  we used mail for correspondence, and landlines, for calls. Cell phones were not  yet available. Because this was a letter of reference for me he had put his work number on it. When I called that, I got, a recording, saying, "This number is not  in service". The obituary, that I found online when Googling his name, was from 2011, and the man was 69 when he died. The photo could, possibly, be Michael. Comparing that photo, with the one he had attached to his letter to me, I began  to cry, because the baldness and head shape were the same, the size and shape  of the ears, were the same, the eyebrows, and eyelids, were the same, and the, shape, of the nose was close to being the same, in both pictures, although I had  to imagine the age progression as well, after so many years. The biggest reason that I think it could be him though is because of what it said. It gave their name with the middle initial, and ALL of it MATCHED. Michael was a Virgo (August 23 - September 22), and the person in the obituary, lived from, September 16,1942-December 9,2011. Also, part of the obituary described the deceased in this way: 

"Michael served his country in the United States Army and Army National Guard, retiring as a Lt. Colonel in 2002. He was a member of Holy Family Parish, Knights of Columbus and Knights Templar. Michael is a graduate of Marquette University and worked in the communications and advertising field the majority of his career both in Milwaukee and New York City."]

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Michael's letters to me through the years were always so loving. As we discussed my troubled life, and misadventures, as I struggled to find my way in life through so much heartbreak, and loss, and abuse and such, he always gave me the grace to do whatever I thought was best for me, even if he wanted something different in the situation. He cared enough to want me to be happy. Isn't that what love is? I have tears in my eyes. It looks like, it is too late, to find out, what we might have been, with one another. Too much time has passed and life is so fast and so short! WHERE DID IT ALL GO? Michael, is, the ONLY man, that LOVED ME, WELL. Because of that, I trusted him, and I have never once felt disrespect toward him,  for any reason, including because of any disrespect FROM him, since, THAT never happened, with HIM. My PET PEEVE that gets me REALLY PISSED OFF has always been, someone treating me with disrespect. I become LIVID WITH RAGE (at least on the inside; while it takes, all, my strength, to hold my temper, and my tongue, toward them, then, for doing that, to me). ESPECIALLY, when they do that to me, IN FRONT OF other people, and expect me to just, let it go (especially, time, after time, once I 'let it slide' by an act of great grace on MY PART the previous time(s) they have pulled that, for their own, EGO, and/or AMUSEMENT). A man, who had earned alot of respect in my eyes, lost it all because of doing that to me. Multiple times and multiple ways. I feel seething anger due to that and doubt we will ever be friends again. He is not the man I gave him credit for. One thing, is for sure. I can think of no worse feeling, when I deal with other people, than realizing that I gave someone, far too much, credit and I have to reconsider the place they have in my life; if any, at all. When it comes to, who, people, really, are, time, will tell.  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                "August 10, 1989

Hi Stevie!

    I continually reread your letters sharing the wide spectrum of emotions and concerns you have dealt with since I met you. Like you, I have been very cautious in trying to understand the 'rocket engine burst of fire' that launched our friendship. . . . My fascination with you was further amplified by your candid openness about yourself, your problems, needs[,] hopes and dreams. I have never met a woman like you. . . . Ours might have been a passing event but I'm afraid we have linked minds, hearts and souls, as a minimum as friends as long as you wish. . . . In my mind neither you or I violated the trust you have with Tom. I respect that. He is luckier than he realizes. . . and I would tell him that to his face. But you must also accept that I met an intelligent, warm, open[,] attractive[,] beautiful woman. That new door of unbelievable candid communication and the emotions I felt can never be taken away. I will not forget your smile[,] your touch on my hand or your hug. . . . I am a healthy emotional man who is also physically attracted to you. I will always dream and fantasize even if we never exercise that feeling. . . . Love, Michael"

                                                                                 "September 19, 1989

Dear Stevie

        I'm sorry that such unpleasant events were the cause of your call [NOTE: Tom had struck me, and was arrested for it by the base security police. He was angry at me, that he was in jail; not angry with himself, for striking me] but in spite of that, I was thrilled to hear the sound of your voice. . . . As a friend, I guess I have to agree that you have tried and endured enough of Tom's behavior. Apparently he does not realize how lucky he is to have you. I'm sure he has also not thought about the effect losing you will have on his life. . . . Stevie, it is time to reawaken that special, open, happy, confident person that I know you are. It is time to think of yourself, Stevie and get on with your life. . . . It is important however that you also consider the power and charisma of your personality and your other interests. . . . There is no doubt you are beautiful and talented enough to dance again but that is tough . . . work. The Stevie I met has much to offer the world and it's time to get on with that. . . . I remember and still feel the touch of your lips, your hand and your body as we hugged. I think we are both cautious about that uncanny electricity that started with one look into your eyes that morning, and your smile so infectious as was your genuine enthusiasm for the entire event. You thoroughly energize a situation and the people around you. . . . Consider carefully where Stevie will be happiest, in a place she can be what she wants to be, on her own. The companionship and people to live love and play with will follow. . . . You are special . . . Love Michael"

                                                                                           "2 February 1990

Hi Stevie,

    I like that name too. It has a special meaning to me also, as I recall that incredible beautiful young girl in blue jeans and tank top shooting pictures of a band. [NOTE: That's how I met Michael. His unit had a marching band, and they were practicing on the road outside the temporary barracks that Tom and I were staying in at the time. I heard the music and lay on the road taking pictures of them as they marched in formation up and down the road, basically right on top of me. Because Michael was their commanding officer, he was watching the band, and saw me doing that.] I will never forget that moment when you smiled and said, "Hi! I'm Stevie! Isn't that band great" then the phone call in the office . . . Dinner, German wine (how prophetic that was) and your arms around me and that kiss. I'm stirring all over just remembering. You have pushed aside all other fantasies. We have been together often in my mind. You have danced for me many times in my mind and I have been in your arms and kissed your lips over and over feeling the warmth of your body on that chilly wet night. I would go on and on pages and pages about every inch of you that I have not seen or touched. You certainly tapped a well in me. . . . you have been through a lot . . . and I am continually impressed with how you handle yourself. . . . men will be after you. It's a magnetism and uniqueness that will always attract men and create jealousy in women. You are a very unique person, with a special gift and people do not like that. . . . I'm jealous of all who see you [dancing in the nightclubs], when I have not. . . .

             Love Michael XO"

THIS ONE, from Michael, makes me SMILE! The letter is tri-folded in the envelope, and when it is extricated from there, Michael wrote on the outside of the folded up pages, "TOP SECRET For your eyes only". As I open the letter it is dated 6 October 1989. Michael taped a small photo of himself inside of it, showing his manly build, bald head, and a 'poker face' expression, befitting, of a colonel, in the military. He drew a picture of me, on the first page, that showed he not only had, real, artistic talent, but that, he really had, thoroughly, fantasized about being with me. It is a sketch, of me, fully nude (which, I never posed for, so, it was done out of his own imagining of what I would look like unclothed-- and he got it right!), in high heels only, holding a bottle of wine in one hand, and a feather duster in my other hand, just outside of my vaginal area. The letter reads, "Stevie, It was nice to hear your soft sexy voice whispering those tantalizing words 'Kiss me'. As you can see I may never  have  seen  you  nude  but  my  pencil  and  imagination  try  to  fill in  the exquisitely beautiful details. . . . There can be no disappointment for me  because you enchanted my mind first. Anything else would be extra. Your voice is incredible to listen to. . . . you do get my juices flowing. . . . Love Michael"

I had blacked out most of Michael's picture, to protect his privacy, but it appears that he is deceased, based on my research, for this blog post. So, I replaced the altered version of the photo with the original one, showing his full face, that I so wish I could hold in my hands and kiss. His handwriting was the absolute worst I have ever seen, and is a real challenge to read! But, because, I read so many of  his letters to me, over the years, I can read it fairly well at this point. Only a few words, have, forever, remained, indiscernible! I was flattered, and honored, that he thought enough of me to SHOW me what HE saw in me. When someone puts themselves out there, like that, taking a real risk, to SHOW ME, what I mean, to them, through whatever efforts they make, on my behalf, it can cause me to see them as being very endearing, attractive, or sexy. Unless, or until, they show me disrespect, pissing me off then. You can BE SURE that someone DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU, if they do things like, throw you under the bus, to make themselves look better at your expense, show no regard for your reputation or your feelings, or falsely accuse you of things. Michael had too much class, and intelligence, and love in his heart, to ever treat me those ways. He stands tallest in my eyes, over any man that I have ever met. If I could pick, one, man to live my life with, from all the men I have known, it would be Michael. No doubt in my mind or hesitancy in my heart; only it's too late now. All indications are he's gone. He was the best!                                                                                                                                                                                                            "October 19, 1989

Dear Stevie

        I still have not gotten over the soft sexy sound of your voice when you answered the telephone, especially after you told me why [I used to masturbate using a feather pillow, by scrunching it up until I connected with that 'sweet spot']. Never thought I would be jealous of a big pillow with kiss marks and a sexual fragrance. . . . 

        If I did not say so very well I am very impressed with your strength and persistence in a very bad situation. Not only are you a beautiful woman but a very strong determined one -- a little bit of 'iron magnolia' maybe, in a nice way. . . . I enjoy our communications, you excite every time. . . . I must see you. Love Michael"

[NOTE: Michael and I met right after I remarried Tom, and then, stayed in touch, from then on, with most of the years being when I was divorced and single again. I did not have any illusions when I remarried Tom after seeing how he was in our first marriage to one another. He didn't want a wife. He needed a mother, as well as a military dependent, which would allow him to move out of the barracks into nice, new, family housing on base. I had two very short, and virtually nonsexual, marriages, to this boy, who refused, to become a man. Tom had pretended to be more responsible, to convince me to come back, to him, and then not long after, he reverted back to how he was, in our first marriage. I never slept with Michael, but we had a strong sexual chemistry, from the moment we met, and all I was to Tom was his 'ticket' to the benefits, he wanted, so he could make his life, as easy as possible, for himself; and a homemaker. Tom was, technically 'married', to me, twice, but was never, really, a husband to me, at all. He told me he had changed, and was finally more responsible in how he handled his finances and managed his life, but it was not true. Tom was also physically abusive to me, striking out at me because I expected basic things from him. He was arrested for that, once, while I was at Fort Drum, with him, in this remarriage. Michael, refers to some of this, in his letters to me. While, no physical abuse should ever go on, in a marriage, Tom was much 'milder' in doing that to me, than my final husband, Mark, who abused me, in every way, shape, and form that one could imagine, and did it continually, exhausting me, from that, until, I lost my will to live, at one point. So, if I do not sound like 'the devoted wife', to Tom, I wasn't, because we never really had what two adults would consider to be a marriage to one another. We had a boy and his babysitter. I have written blog posts, about Tom, in the past, if you want to learn more about this, ridiculous, relationship. I gave him a second chance. I shouldn't have. I learned my lesson, with that. If someone does not do what it takes to co-create, a happy, healthy, relationship, with you, all along, then, they, never will.]

                                              Miscellaneous Men                                                                                

I have no idea at all where I met Dennis, but he wrote me a very touching poem. On a small, torn, piece of paper that's now yellowed with age, he wrote: "Debbie

As I sit in this lonely room, thinking of the evening past;

a pencil I hold in my hand, my feelings I try to grasp.

How lucky a man would be, to feel a love such as yours;

To say I love you, I need you, I want you, to feel how outwardly it pours.

Oh, to feel a love, with so much passion, so much power;

would be to walk in Spring, to smell the freshly blossemed flower.

To feel that innacient love, so pure with always a surprise;

To be loved by the girl with the smile, and the Puppy dog eyes.

                                                                     Dennis"

I think it is so sweet, that he took the time, and put alot of thought into writing that, just for me! I transcribed it, exactly as he wrote it; spelling errors and all.

Another really caring guy named Chad wrote me a letter. He apparently lived in Ohio, but traveled to Omaha for his job in the insurance industry. Omaha is the location of the headquarters of some of the largest insurance companies in the U.S. It was written on Mutual of Omaha stationery. He wrote, "Dear Debbie, Im back in Toledo Ohio. I do want to say that I enjoyed the time we spent together.    I wish that there was more that I could have said or done to ease your pain. Im Hoping over the next month or so to get to know you better and Im really looking forward to being with you again in the spring. My week was a very boring one until that nite I met you, I just wished that I could have met you sooner. You are a very warm and understanding person, one I truely would like to get to know alot better. I kinda wished I could have been all those things you where looking for. I know you would be a very special person to be in love with. I'll be praying every nite hoping you'll find your someone but, until then remember you'll always have me. Always Chad"

I LOVE letters like that! I don't know where, or how, I met him, or if we did ever meet again. Some of these things, that these men wrote to me, to express their feelings about me, are several decades old, now. 

In an envelope postmarked APR 24 1989, addressed to me, as 'Stevie' (the alias I went by, for most of the time that I was a dancer in the nightclubs), in care of the Twenties Night Club, another man, that worked for a different insurance company, typed out a letter to me, on that company's letterhead:

"Dearest Stevie:

     I thought I'd better write you today just in case you might forget me in a few days (I'd hope you wouldn't).

     I was just logging some information into me computer and thought I'd just drop you a line to say hello.

     I really did enjoy talking to you saturday night and learning to know more about you. You are one classy and beautiful woman! I wish we could have had more time to talk, it seemed like the time flew when I was in there. I wish I could have standed until closing but I didn't want to bother you anymore that night. I couldn't get over how sincerly honest and warm you were . . . . . . . . . . the world would be much better off with more people like you in the world. 

     You mentioned how much you would like to be married and have a home life, so many women these days are so interested in ONLY a career and themselves it is refreshing to find a woman like you!

     I do hope this letter gets to you and that I spelled your name correctly.

     The last couple of days I was hoping that you believed what I told you and that I wasn't just ' another one of those guys who try to hit on you'. I was completely sober so I did know what I was saying and I do hope that you did and do believe me. That's why I wanted to write to you as soon as possible so you didn't think I was just like the rest. 

     Please do feel free to call me sometime, it would be very nice surprise.

     Take care Stevie, keep smilin and I'll be thinking of you!

     (he signed it in ink:)         A friend,

                                           Steve [U]" 

[NOTE: Based on his last name, which I withhold, to protect peoples' privacy, he owned the insurance company, because his name matches that of the agency.] I don't know if I ever got to talk with him again. I met and talked to so many men.

Here's a sweet-but-still-creepy letter, to me, in an envelope postmarked 22 MAR 1989. It's addressed to me at my home (apartment) address! It is handwritten:

                                                                                                     "3/21/89

Dear Deborah,

     Please don't think I'm some kind of nut (great opening line huh?). In fact I have never done anything like this before in my life. I remembered your address from your check, not really intentionally but because it is so close to mine. [NOTE: MY address was 2235 ST Marys at that time and his address on the envelope was 1001 Park Ave, so they are NOT AT ALL CLOSE TO MATCHING.] 

     After talking to you at the store [where apparently I paid by check and he took my personal information, from that check and wrote me this letter; which is all very inappropriate] and then coming to see you at the club, I've come to the conclusion that you are one of the most interesting people I've met in a very long time. But like I said, I'm more interested in the person I met in the store, The one you said was the 'real you'. She's the one I'd like to get to know.

     I guess I'm writing because I'm afraid I won't see you again in the store, and the atmosphere at the club doesn't really lend itself to sincerity. I mean you probably get 20 guys a week telling you 'You're the most interesting girl I've ever met'.

     There's a song I really like by the Smithereens called 'Behind The Wall Of Sleep'. The lyrics seem very appropriate, so I'll share them with you:

     Now I know I'm one of many

     who would like to be your friend

     But I've got to find a way

     to let you know I'm not like them

     By the way I should tell you, you really are a different person at the club. I believe and put much stock in vibes or auras or whatever you want to call it. And yours were very different Monday as compared to Tuesday. Monday you were very sweet, very open, Tuesday I could actually feel the defensive wall around you even though you were talking intimately with me. Also, Monday you seemed almost innocent and vulnerable, that why I found it hard to believe you were a dancer. I think your ability to change roles like that intrigues me even more.

     Well I guess I'll close now. My address is on the envelope,  my phone is listed with directory and you know where I work if you're interested. If you're not you may toss this away without concern, it was just something I felt compelled to do. And really ad truly I have never written to almost a complete stranger before. 

                                                                                Kyle [N]"

[NOTE: It was interesting to me to read a description from someone saying that they could really see the difference, between 'Deborah', and 'Stevie', my dancer alias/alter ego/stage persona. I've described in previous blog posts how I had to learn how to do that, drastic, change, in demeanor, to be able to do the job of a stage entertainer in a thong bikini, etc. I liked so many attributes of my 'Stevie' side that I have kept 'her' with me to this very day. On any given day, someone may be interacting with me as 'Deb', my sweet and gentler self, or they may be engaged with 'Stevie',  who 'takes no prisoners',  and holds her own, no matter who, she is dealing with. One, of the reasons, I would REALLY ENJOY, having, a romantic relationship (although, I have, ABSOLUTELY, NO DESIRE, to, EVER, be MARRIED again, in my life, at this point) is that, I like doing role play; morphing into a wide range of personas, each with unique attributes. That's so fun to me!] 

On a yellowed piece of notebook paper, Ron wrote me a letter. There's no date. I think it may be the friend of mine who was a hospital (patient) escort, that I met in the hospital we worked in, when I was in nursing. That Ron was a really sweet guy, but he had a crush on me, and would get really upset, with me, and moody, because I didn't like him back, romantically, which strained our friendship. A cute guy, Ron just wasn't what I wanted, in, an intimate, relationship. We would go do things together as friends at times, though. He had a sweet, sensitive, spirit, but he was far too fragile for me. He was more of a boy than a man. I wanted a man.

Ron wrote--

"Debby: 

I'm sorry I pissed you off. I hope your feelings were not hurt. I hope you realize that I didn't mean to make you mad. Sometimes I guess I get too wrapped up in my own head. Trying to figure out myself and my feelings for myself. Thats what I was doing today. Maybe I should pay more attention to the feelings of people close to me. Maybe I should express my feelings instead of keeping them hidden inside of me. I know I don't say it alot, but you really are the sweetest, warmest, most caring person I know. And you are a very pretty lady. I'm sorry I'm this way. It's something that has bothered me for a long time. I want to change, but don't quite know what to do. I hope you accept my apology. I thank you for all the things you have done for me, you have been a true inspiration. I will always have a special place in my heart for you.                                                                                          

                                                    Love. Ron 

P.S. - You're a very sexy woman also."

 

>sigh<

Valentine's Day is in two days, and just like, it seems to be, every year, for me, I have no one special in my life, to give that any real, romantic, meaning. As I pop candy hearts into my mouth as a very unhealthy comfort food, to console myself while there are no knocks at my door delivering flowers, and no candlelight meal,  I'll watch Hallmark movies, where love triumphs over all and culminates in a kiss.

At least Amazon sells vibrators.

We human beings are complicated creatures. Therefore, our feeling, or finding, love, can be quite complicated. My best, physical, relationship has been with a piece of plastic that I ordered online. It is both intimate and impersonal, at the same time. There are pros and cons to almost everything in life, and this is no exception.  I had to learn all about the eye-opening array of available sex toys. The 'lover' in my bed is a piece of plastic, that I turn on, but with the push of a button. It touches my body, but it doesn't come equipped to look into my eyes  and tell me that it loves me above all others on the earth. There are no mutual expressions of affection, verbally or physically. I can't lie there and listen to its heartbeat, because it doesn't have a heart. It just vibrates, at different speeds.  These helpful, and even gratifying, gadgets, are something that I am extremely pleased to have, however, as a, viable, alternative. Without them, it would be a very long, 'dry', spell, since, I remain celibate, and I have been so for 25 years.

It is what it is.

 

Happy Valentine's Day to all of my blog readers in 62 countries around the world!

                    

* 'Miranda' was a different dancer alias I was using at the time because I have a sense of humor and it was funny to me to introduce myself to club customers as "Miranda Wright" and have them say to me, "Wow! You might not KNOW this but that is like 'miranda rights' that the cops say to people they're arresting like, 'You have the right to remain silent.' and stuff." Specifically because I was working as an undercover informant, for the Omaha Police Department, which was a strange motivation behind my involving myself in prostitution in the first place, I went by that name, during that timeframe.

** Looking Glass - https://medium.com/exploring-history/operation-looking-glass-americas-terrifying-doomsday-plane-eca1bcb4765f and https://nuke.fas.org/guide/usa/c3i/ec-135.htm  

*** Jim was the 2nd Lieutenant that I was completely in love with, who was still stationed at Keesler AFB in Biloxi MS, when I got orders to report to Offutt AFB in Nebraska, where Mark met me. Jim became my second husband, is my son's father, and is the same man that I wrote several blog posts about being "the one man that I would love forever". Jim was also the ONLY man that I had sex with when I was in the service.

Memorabilia, From The Men I Married . . .

I FINALLY finished sorting all of the old papers and pictures and other memorabilia that, together, tell the story of my life, thus far. It took weeks, to do this, and as it was something that I simply couldn't put off any longer, or avoid altogether, I kept at it, until it was done. I started to loathe this, tedious, time-consuming, chore. At times it was emotionally excruciating to have to handle and see every single item, that carried me back to a past that had been largely painful for me. By the time it was finished, I had organized it all into categories. I'm just beginning to write this blog post, at 8:00 in the evening, the day before the one that I have promised my readers that I will publish a post online. Doing what I tell people that I will do, is a very important thing to me. Because of the time crunch, I am limiting this post, to cover only the things about my marriages, that I set aside to share with you here.

In future posts, I will share some of my creative writing that I haven't included, in previous posts, and some things about my family of origin, as well as more things from my dancer days. For whatever reason I have not had a shortage of men who have tried their best to get into my life, and body, along the way, but I just sighed deeply, as I typed that, because it has been a matter of, quantity over quality, and I so deeply desired to know what a truly loving relationship would be like, because I have never had that in my life. Just poor substitutions that, more often than not, left me much worse off for having had them. It is not looking likely that I will ever experience that. My heart has never been an easy one to unlock. Even when I was growing up, and began 'going steady', in elementary school, I resisted boys trying to kiss me, because, even way back then, I felt that, such things should be saved, for someone special. I just sighed, deeply, again. From the time I was only 18 and my half-first-cousin, who was 9 years older than I was, sexually assaulted me and I married him then, because I felt that I was 'damaged goods', from that point on, and had no choice, my 'love life' has been anything but loving. It is a true tragedy for me. It is what it is.  I know of women who have never even been asked out on a date, and have never been married, and honestly, I think they're better off, than me. I was shocked to come across a variety of men's 'love letters' to me, from the men that I did marry, as well as several that I could not even recall meeting! They just didn't capture my heart. Letters that I include in these posts will be verbatim. I set aside a few representative ones for this. There are, actually, alot more of the letters like that to me. I wondered, when I saw them, why I'd even saved them at all. I suppose it might have been because they were saying I was someone special to them, someone that they loved, or, thought that, they could love, and it left me feeling hopeful that, at some point, I would feel the same way about one of them; which never happened. The closest I ever came to finding 'true love' with any man was with my second husband, Jim-- the man that I wrote several blog posts about as being 'the one man that I will love forever'. Even so, his egoism was something that I couldn't compete with, either in, his affections, or his agenda, and was a big factor in my decision to divorce him, because of the behaviors that it drove him to do. The bottom line is that, he put himself first, above all else, almost all the time, as far as, his relationship with me, went. Our priorities in life were not compatible.

The blog posts that I wrote about my first marriage, to the first, of two Jims, are: https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/05/nothing-happens-in-vacuum-why-i-dropped_29.html and https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/06/my-first-marriage-i-grew-to-like-him-as.html

I don't have the letter that he wrote me our first Christmas together, after we had moved from North Carolina to Fresno, California, but he took this picture of me as I read it, on Christmas morning. I was only 18, and a bride, to a man who was so closely related to me by blood that some states wouldn't even allow our marriage legally. North Carolina, where we were, both, from, just barely did. I don't look at all happy or in love, in this photo, because I wasn't those things, although we had only been married on December 12, 1974; less than 2 weeks prior to this picture. I feel like my life went off course as far as me ever finding, and being with, a man that I could really love, and want to be with, because this cousin 'took me', as his own, when he never should have. Mutual relatives had asked him to look after me when I went away from home to college, in the much larger city that he lived in. I was still very naive at 18, and had not been properly prepared, by my parents, for things that I would encounter out in the world. My family was not communicative, or supportive, throughout my upbringing. I had no one there for me but this man. I was love-starved by the time I got there, and he took full advantage of that fact.

The second Jim, and my second husband, is described in, several, posts, on: June 26, 2019, July 11, 2019, July 25, 2019, August 8, 2019, August 15, 2019, April 3, 2019, and August 28, 2019. Our, romantic, relationship, while we were in the U.S. Air Force, was, to this day, the closest thing I've ever had to experiencing mutual love with a man. Even so, outside of the fact that, he was the best sexual partner  I have EVER had, the relationship was never built on a solid foundation of mutual beliefs and priorities. Jim was ALWAYS out for himself, first and foremost (except for in the sack having sex, where he was, wonderfully, giving, and spoiled me for any other, because of that). We had alot of fun together, while we were stationed at Keesler Air Force Base, in Biloxi, Mississippi. But, Jim loved being the center of attention no matter who or what else was in the picture, and his values could not be discerned by his behaviors. He was driven to get other peoples' approval, and admiration, causing him to lose more and more of mine, until I did not even want to be around him anymore by the time I divorced him. We had opposing outlooks on life. We were insatiably hot for one another, in bed, but outside of that he was  a turn off to me, and I wasn't what he wanted or felt he needed, in a wife, since I was annoyed at his focus on appearances above all else. I don't care what people think of me in the way that he was consumed by it. He did whatever it took to be  well-liked and universally popular. I could care less if anyone likes me unless they like me for who I actually am. I am honest and sincere, and prefer to keep things real, in my relationships with people. The years that I was a dancer, I had to be a fantasy, for the men coming into the nightclubs. That is what we were paid to do. They didn't come in there, and pay alot of money for watered-down drinks, to see any woman that was not like their dreams, and desires. I ended up, losing myself, along the way, and compromising values, that meant alot to me. I had not looked through these old papers and pictures for a while, and didn't even remember, that Jim had actually written me, several, affectionate, cards and letters, in the course of our relationship. I don't know why it is, I didn't think of him that way (although when I do think about him it tends to be remembering how great he was in bed!), but he wrote me the following letter while we were, basically, living together, 99% of the time, in his apartment, off base. It was in an envelope that is yellowed with age. He wrote it to me in 1980 (42 years ago!) with "Debbie Sq[uadron] 11" on it.

                                                     Here is that letter of Jim's to me:            

Hey honey,

      I miss you! I just thought I'd drop you a line to tell you that I love you!! After we got cut off this afternoon, I went for a walk on the beach. I did alot of thinking and prayed for while. I asked God to help me decide what to do. He told me that the only way to make it is to be happy and enjoy the good times and struggle thru the hard times. If you love someone, He said, you will make it through. I told him this was a hard time, but that I loved you and wanted to work through it. He told me you love me. Anyway, I could go on but I believe that if we really do love each other, like we do, then we are depriving ourselves not to let us love each other. 

     When you leave this base, you may not be far away, and I can come see you. I know you are scared about being hurt when you leave and also, about getting married. You're not alone!! I'm also scared! But I know I love you and that I will be at your base when I leave here! (If you want me!) I also will not guarantee that we would get married but because I love you so much, I would want to take the chance! Maybe we would!

     One of the main things I love about you are your way we communicate, the way we can understand each other, and most important the way you can accept me the way I am. I feel the same way! Although we might be away from each other for a little while, our personalities won't change. We will still share these 3 traits between us. With that, I think we could work out anything that comes between us. If you don't believe that, look at past history! We've done it on a number of occasions! Give it a chance, and it will happen again!

     Well, that's what I've been thinking about! I'm going to come over and give this to you soon. Cross my fingers!!!! I love you so much!!

                                                                          Jim

                                                                       XXXX

                                                                      OOOO

                                                                       XXXX

[NOTE: If you haven't read the blog posts about him, we did get married, but it was after I ended up pregnant after telling him I was no longer on birth control because I had been away from him, for some time, at another Air Force base. I didn't have sex with anyone but him while I was in the Air Force. He wanted me though, and said, he would 'pull out', but didn't, and I ended up pregnant. I did not feel truly wanted, by him, because of that. We did not want the same things  in life and our goals, and values, were pulling us in different directions. It would not have worked, with us, long term, because only one or the other would want whichever direction, we went in, together.  I set him free, divorcing him, and he followed his path, that he had wanted for his life, had a very successful Air Force career, and married a wonderful woman, who became my son's, second, mother. He was a young 2nd Lieutenant not long out of college when he wrote the letter.]

I found a letter that I wrote to our son, Jay, on August 6, 1984, that I don't think  I ever sent to him. It shows my heart, at that time, when he was not quite three:

Dear Jay, darling son,

      I'm hoping this letter will reach you somehow-- I haven't intruded on Jim and Linnea's lives & whereabouts, but I don't think all of you would still be in Ohio by now. I just have wanted so much to reach out to you and tell you, hoping you'll believe me, how very much I love and adore you; how much I miss you. I'm crying as I write this because frankly this whole situation has been agony for me. Jim & Linnea are expecting a 2nd child in the family, and I pray all 4 of you will be healthy and close, Christian and loving, together. When that new child reaches 13 months, perhaps Linnea can imagine more fully for a moment what it was like for me to have you leave my life [at that age]. I love you so! I have been pleased for you, tho, feeling that they love you & take care of you. I believe I was a good and loving parent to you, too, son, only I didn't have the emotional, supportive, or financial resources to give you all I wanted you to have in life. I hope you never even contemplate "rejection" as a motive for my letting you go. I love no one as I love you, & never will.

      Linnea was kind enough to send photos of you to your grandparents in Hickory, N.C. They were gratified, as was I, when one was forwarded to me. I've had to not cling to it because it is small and fragile, & I want it always. You are such an attractive, intelligent, happy, life-loving little boy, Jay! I hope life-- as you grow up and learn its realities-- does not destroy these assets you possess or wear you down or turn you from faith in God. I must proclaim to you that God has gotten me through the pain, heartache, & loss-- tho on a struggling, day-by-day basis. He has provided for me, protected me, loved me all these days that I feel no love. How I miss your active love for me! How close we once were, little one, & how sweet and strong the bond!

     I give Jim & Linnea full credit for the fine job they seem to be doing with you. I pray for you all. I don't mean to lessen all they're doing for you as parents, but I don't think they'll mind me writing this just to say to you-- out of the bond I'll always feel with you as the child I wanted & carried & loved-- 

                                                                              - Mommy loves you, Jay!

[NOTE: Linnea's child she was carrying resulted in a stillborn birth, although they adopted a girl, later on, so there still ended up being four of them in their home.]

I apologize for the poor quality of the photographs in this post. They're old photos that I had to photograph using my flip phone's (not a smart phone) camera, while holding them in my hand, because I do not have a way to scan them in, etc. Even though they are not perfectly clear, I think you will still be able to see the essence of them, for the purposes that they are included here. These are 'documentation'.

This photo was taken by me on the morning that I was leaving my baby boy, Jay, with his father, Jim, and soon-to-be-stepmother, Linnea, to raise together, in a 2-parent home, because it was, the best way, to give Jay the best life, that I could. He was only 13 months old. I taught him to call Linnea "Mommy" before I left, so he would be bonded to her and not traumatized by my sudden absence from him. It was one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things that I've ever had to do.

Jay was born in November, so not long before I transferred his custody to Jim and Linnea, I took him to the mall to see Santa, when he was one year old. But, while we waited, in the long line, Jay fell asleep. Rather than wake him, I gently laid my sleeping child on Santa's lap, and this picture captures that, precious, moment. It was far better than any picture I've seen of children smiling-- or shrieking-- there.

[NOTE: The pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted, but when I found out I was pregnant, I could not abort him, despite, my mother, and Jim, telling me, to do it. He was born out of the love that I felt for and with his father. He was us together.]

https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/04/if-you-love-someone-set-them-free.html and https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/08/my-sons-other-mother-was-heaven-sent.html are the two main blog posts about my son Jay, although he is spoken of in other posts, as well.  He turned 41 years old, this month, so, my 'baby', is now, a middle-aged man! Time goes by so fast.

Linnea, my son's stepmother, who we never referred to that way but only as Jay's other mother, and then, as his primary "Mommy", was very good about letting me know how Jay was doing as he was growing up. She wrote me lots of letters, and sent me photos of Jay, and of their family-- which was a blessing, to see how well it was going for them, but also heartbreaking for me, because I never found that, for myself, in my life, to this day. I am sharing a letter from Linnea here, because it is a good representation of how she was, with me, Jay's birthmother, and if you can imagine putting yourself in my place in this situation, you may be able to see how hard it was on me, as I read some of what she said to me. I was good about staying out of their lives and out of their way, for the most part, and Linnea and I were on good, friendly, terms, the large majority (although, not all) of the time. I will type out exactly what she said to me, in the letter, but skip the parts that are not relevant, but are more general, such as, her observations about the weather:

                                                                                                         Aug 29

Dear Deb,

       Received your letter the other day and was sorry to hear about your pending divorce but I'm sure you have given it much thought and deliberation and found it to be the best solution. Now you must concentrate on you- putting your life back on a meaningful track.

      We have been trying to find out where our next assignment will take us. So far the possibilities are Maxwell AFB Montgomery Alabama, Hanscom AFB Boston, MA and Mons, Belgium. I suppose we won't know anything for several months and knowing the Air Force it could be anywhere.

      You asked how I felt about your relationship with Jay. I appreciate it is a difficult thing for you to settle in your heart and mind. Personally I appreciate your not playing an active role and allowing me to be the 'mother' to Jay. It is important for Jay to have the security of one mother and as we have discussed many times before as he becomes older and is able to understand love, marriage and divorce we will tell him about your relationship to him. Jay is a very sensitive child and becomes hurt easily. I would never suggest telling him before he is mature enough to think rationally and understand emotions. I know it must be hard to stand back- but it is for Jay's benefit that it must be that way. 

      Well I must close this letter now and get my children some breakfast and ready to go grocery shopping before the store is too crowded.

                                                                            Love

                                                                            Linnea, Jay, 

                                                                            Jim & Krista

Here is another letter from Linnea to me (again, just the relevant parts):

Jay goes to church school every Sunday. He is learning to sing "Jesus Loves Me". He must like church because he sometimes will ask if he can go to church. Jay's school is also a function of the Evangelical church and they tell them Bible stories and sing biblical songs, too.

      Jay is really into "kiss" and "hug". He will tell Jim "Kiss Mommy" or "Hug Mommy". He also likes to do some of that himself, not only with Mommy and Daddy but Erika, Nichole, Kiki, & Jennifer from school. We have a 2 year old 'lover' on our hands. 

                                                                          Linnea, Jim & Jay

I write poetry, among other things (such as this blog), but I got that trait from my mother, whose own poetry I read, from the time I was just a little girl. She, was a school  teacher, for much of my childhood, so teaching us to read at a young age, and providing us with plenty of books, caused me to become an avid reader, and, very, verbal. When, my son, Jay, was born, my mother surprised me, by writing a poem in Jay's honor. It is included in this post. I don't think my son ever knew his grandmother did that, for him. It will be memorialized, in this post, now, however.

A note from: Doris Robinson

                                                                         Sunday, Nov 15, 1981

[Jay]

The thread of life has woven us together

head and heart-

Of everything that makes me Me, you have 

become a part!

Not long ago- yet fifty years- I was the

size of you.

And soon- it seemed so rapidly- your Mom

was cradled too!

Today- a feeling so profound- through you

we're born again-

New hopes, new dreams, new happiness-

Some moments filled with pain.

Your busy hands, unfolding mind, your sharp

inquiring eye

Will strengthen and add to the threads we're

weaving, you and I.

[NOTE:  My mother was 25, when she had me, and I was 25, when I had Jay, yet she refused to come to Omaha, following Jay's birth, while I recovered some, and her reason she gave me was that: I forced her to be a grandmother too soon and she did not want to come help me because, she really resented me, for that. She was serious, too. She did, finally, agree to come, but not before, totally, stressing me out, with all of the criticism about my pregnancy and back and forth about it.]

I found some handwritten pages from 1982 where I journaled some of what I was thinking and feeling, as I prepared to transfer Jay's custody to Jim, and to Linnea:

                                                                                       December 15, 1982

      As we were leaving . . . a wind blew several dead, brown leaves in a circular whirlwind . . . around and around. Jay stared in delight and amazement . . . 

      I find myself savoring, and holding tightly to, these special little moments with my infant son. . . . I sat down beside Jay on the sofa. He was just awakening from napping there, & he crawled to me and hugged my knees, lying his head upon my lap. He lay there quietly, & still, & I stroked his long, blond curls. . . . when I'm employed, he will stay here with Jim and Linnea . . . to have a mother and a father, as well as the financial and emotional security I simply was not able to afford him. I will move out, and miss him so terribly (the tears in my eyes as I write this attest to that); yet I feel so much better about his overall lifestyle and future, now, tho I cannot guarantee his future with them anymore than I could have guaranteed him I would've married someone someday & been able to provide him with more. . . .

     He's so young now-- God, he's exactly 13 months today-- he probably won't even really remember our year together. . . . Tonight, I held Jay so tight. . . . I just said to Jay, . . . "Mommy loves you, Jay. Jesus loves you, too. Mommy won't be with you alot longer now, but-- please, God-- know that Jesus will always be there to watch over you for Mommy. You are too young for me to explain everything, but I've tried to get you a better future." . . .

     I'm trying to help him make the transition from having me to my not being there always, and from me to Linnea as his Mom. I'm trying to do it in a healthy psychological manner, to be clear and impartial enough about it not to cling to Jay or show him my hurt and despair as we part . . . . He has enough in his little life to cope with. I feel good about Jay's future, & frankly I'm relieved Jim's marrying such a nice & decent lady as Linnea so I can feel good about giving them custody of Jay. . . . Sometimes others think I'm shallow, or I don't care, because I don't show a reaction to a situation. I feel alot, and very deeply, but I don't always show it-- especially if for me it's a very private emotion. 

     Don't think for a minute I don't hurt, tho, over leaving Jay or any of this in my life. . . . I've hurt. ALOT. I've hurt so pervasively & for so long now that I don't even feel the pain anymore & yet I know it's there. In other words, I'm numb. It was a body-&-mind defense mechanism because I really couldn't take all that pain anymore. Damn! I'd hoped for a nervous breakdown from it all so I could escape from the realities awhile. I guess I'm stronger-- & more of a realist, more practical, more a survivor-- than even I thought. 

                                                                                     Jan. 8, '83

I . . . have so many thoughts & feelings in me I haven't slept at all. . . . I'll sleep here at Jim's again tonight after work and move my things from here tomorrow. . . Hopefully my life will mellow out some now, tho, & I can begin to heal some hurts. 

God willing.

                                                                                    Jan. 23, 1983

Jay came to visit me today. Since I moved out of Jim's, I'd only seen Jay one other time, over at Jim's (and Linnea's) for about an hour. . . . I wanted to . . . savor Jay to myself. We then "came home" to my apartment. . . . he felt strange in the new apartment, and I explained to him that this was Mommy's house but he couldn't live here with me, as he seemed to think it was his new house, too. . . . When Jim and Linnea came to pick Jay up, Jay did not laugh and get all happy & excited like he did when I was at their door. He saw them and made a little "panic" noise. . . . He looked up at me quickly like, "They're not here to take me away, are they?" Linnea picked Jay up & he tried to reach out to me & get to my arms. He wanted to stay with me . . . he didn't want to leave me. . . . It hurt so badly, too, as I wanted to keep him with me, & it's so obvious he doesn't understand what's happened to his world, why Mommy isn't with him and him with me, anymore. . . . I cried, in the parking lot . . . as they drove off with Jay, with my baby, my son . . . I had a bad night, tossing & turning & feeling like part of me dies each time . . . . God be with me, & with my precious son, Jay. May we always have our love for one another in a world that loves so little.

I wrote a blog post about a much older woman than I was named Vivian Gulleen, who was a godly woman, and missionary for much of her life, and never married, because she said, she never met a man who would love her, the way her parents had loved one another, and with that as her example she simply refused to settle for less. (I did settle for, much, less than I wanted, needed, and deserved when I married the men that I did, and alot of misery came from my doing that. Vivian's included in this post because of a note she wrote to me, regarding my son, Jay. I will share the words of that, here, but the link below is also to my post about her.  https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/08/a-lesson-to-younger-woman-from-older.html 

                                                                                   April 17, 1984

My dear Debbie:-

     I just want you to know that my heart went out to you yesterday and I know your heart ached because you dearly love that son of yours. But I pray God will give you the necessary strength from day to day to continue to trust and follow your Savior and to be faithful in your work. I was so glad to hear you say you are doing your very best and determined to carry on. . . . I do daily pray for you and I do feel God is answering- we may think slowly but in His perfect timing. . . .

                                                                                 Much love,

                                                                                 Vivian

Tom, my third husband, wrote the most, and longest, letters to me. I am not sure why, but the two abusive husbands, my last two of the four, often expressed their love for me in writing, but regularly mistreated me, in between those declarations of undying love, for me. They, are also the two that I met in the nightclubs, that I worked in as a dancer. I met them both in the Backdoor Lounge. Here are some of the excerpts from letters that Tom wrote to me. He's the only one I married twice. https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2020/12/the-boy-from-brooklyn-that-i-married.html  https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2021/12/i-married-my-third-husband-two-times.html 

[NOTE: I went by my dancer name, Stevie, during my marriages to Tom and Mark even though, I quit dancing, when I got married. They had met me in the club, as Stevie, so it just felt natural to them to call me that. I signed any legal documents and such with my, legal, name, Deborah, though, so they both knew what it was.]

Stevie,

     The last time I talked to you, I said I would write to you & tell you what's been happening to me. I'm not having a good time right now because all sorts of things have blown up in my face, and I'm having a very difficult time coping.

     At one time you told me that I was trying to self-destruct. Because of my pride I refused to listen to you & chose to do things on my own, thinking that I can handle anything. Well, I was wrong. . . . I had some additional duties taken away from me at work because I was not performing those duties as well as I should. I've also had a little trouble performing my job. I increasingly find myself getting so frustrated that I feel like exploding. Things got so bad for me that I have lost my assignment to England. I don't blame anyone but myself. Because of all these things happening to me I am forced to accept the fact that I can not continue to follow this road that I have laid, so I have made an appointment at Mental Health to try to learn what is wrong with me. The only thing I can tell you right now is that for some unknown reason I'm afraid to be placed in a position of authority. . . It also explains why I would not take more of a leadership role in our marriage, & also why my work has suffered. . . .

                                                                                       Take care

                                                                                        Tom

This is part of another letter that he sent to me. These letters seem to be from his tour(s) of duty overseas. Tom was an Air Force sergeant and a weather forecaster.

     Thank you ever so much for all the things that you have sent me, they mean so much to me. I want to take one of your dancer pictures (the large one you sent me) and put it in a frame to place on my dresser, next to the picture of the two of us, but I thought I should get your permission first. It's a wonderful picture because it shows just how truly beautiful you are. It also shows how talented you are, the costume looks great. . . . I wish that I could kiss you in person, that would be much more satisfying, but until that time comes, this will do. 

    I miss you terribly right now. Tears come to my eyes now when I think of how much you love me, because I don't think I deserve your love after all the vicious things I've done to you. I pray that somehow I can make it up to you. Please, take very good care of yourself, your extremely precious to me. 

                                  

                                                      With all my deepest love and affection

                                                                                                                                                                              TJ

                                                                                                 3 July 87

[This is from Tom, too. It is excerpts from an extremely long letter he sent me.]

Dearest Stevie,

            The only drawback to this job is that you're not here with me. I miss you terribly. Some days I miss you so much, I hurt inside. Just last night, as I was saying a prayer for your safety, tears came to my eyes, and I was choked up for a little while. I even took out your picture which I keep with me in my wallet, and gave you a kiss. If you've recently felt something like a soft kiss on your cheek or lips, that was from me. 

            I sit back and watch how the GI's treat the girls and become very sad because it shows me just how badly I must have treated you at times. I wish there was some way I can correct all the atrocious things I've done to you. 

                                                                                                                      

Tom mistreated me at times, as he says himself, in the letters he sent to me, and that included some physical violence against me, despite saying how he loved me. My fourth, and final husband, Mark, was-- by far-- the worst of them all. I am not even tempted to marry again, after-- barely-- surviving that tormenting hell, that was our marriage. Two blog posts describe him. The one that is specifically about him is:  https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2022/04/the-devils-in-details-my-marriage-to.html and the second half of the following one is also about him; the scary story, not the first part that's a funny story about Tom. https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/03/two-memories-i-have-from-my-marriage.html                                                                                            

Mark also liked to leave me 'love notes' around the house for me to find, but his words, he put in writing, were the complete opposite, of the horrible and hateful things he regularly said, to my face. Because of that, abusive, relationship, with him, I have always said, to people, since then, that, you can tell, who has never been abused, and who has been, by how they react, when you say that, you are   a domestic abuse survivor. If they respond with, widened eyes, and say, aghast, "You mean, . . . he HIT you?!?", they have never been abused, because, anyone who has been, knows that, if you live through it, the casts come off and stitches come out, but it is the words, the, caustic, comments, that get down, deep, into your spirit, and lodge themselves there, to reverberate, within you, causing pain for a long time afterward; if one can even ever really completely recover from it, at all. I know that I've never fully recovered from going through that, literal, hell on earth, from somebody who was supposed to love me-- and, continually, said, that he did love me, in between, the ever-increasing cycles of verbal attack, and physical assault, that sent me to the Emergency Room at times. That is not love.

Here is just one example, of the many 'love letters' that Mark would write to me:

I covered the last name for privacy purposes. That is the white spot on the page.

Good day  Stevie  You have my heart totally But I'm making room for Jesus too

I love you so much! Your love for me gives me a feeling that I can not put into words. You are the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth. You are so intelligent, wise, trusting and loveable. You could have fallen in love with someone else, but I am thanking God, that he allowed you to fall in love with me. I am very blessed by God for that and thank him daily. I walked to pay the cable bill I'll be back soon. I love you Stevie [NOTE: I covered the last name]     Mark

I wrote a note to myself, at the top, of a copy, of this same letter (above) saying:

One day he says he loves me, & wants our marriage to work out; the next day he's cold and threatens divorce-- saying it's what I want (I haven't been to any lawyer!), & back & forth until I can't take it anymore-- there's no stability in that.

Once, while I was cowering down on the floor in a tight ball, to try to minimize his assault on me, while he stood over me, screaming at me, he said to me, "I can do whatever I want to you, because you don't want another divorce!" That, was one, of many, cruel things, he said-- and did-- to me, during that marriage-from-hell. I was a smiling, happy, person, before he came into my life. Here are some photos, from that-- living nightmare-- time of my life, that clearly show how 'beat down' a domestic violence abuse victim gets in the draining and dysfunctional relationship, with someone who conned their victim, and then does this hellish 'bait and switch' after they have lured in their prey, who just wanted to be loved, not, nearly killed, and in some ways is left damaged for life if they're lucky enough to live through it.

This was what I looked like just before I met Mark. I was still a dancer at the club but I was going out of town for a Nora Lam Ministry event that she instructed her staff to personally invite me to, because I had been leading dancers to Christ and had taken a group of them to see the movie about Nora's life when it came out. I was slain in the spirit, for the one and only time that has happened to me, so far, in that meeting in Fremont, Nebraska. Nora, who is a very small lady, touched my forehead with one little fingertip as she stood in front of me while I was in line for prayer, and down I went! I had often wondered, if being 'slain in the spirit', was a real thing, and because of how it happened for me, that night, I knew that it was.  She heard about me because 'Glitter', one of the dancers that I had witnessed to, 

and taken to see 'China Cry', was so moved by the movie, that she wrote to Nora Lam. Afraid she would get discouraged by getting a standard ministry response, I added my own cover letter to Glitter's letter, explaining Glitter's youth and fragile, new, faith, asking the ministry to encourage her, with at least a handwritten note. I was sent a ticket to the ministry event, because of it, which I had not expected.

This picture doesn't really convey what is actually going on here, unless you have the details: I was sitting, with Mark, in a restaurant booth, and all I could eat was little spoonfuls of liquid that I was, barely, able get into my mouth, by tipping the spoon and letting it slide in. My eyes are also showing the pain I was in from this. What caused me to be in this condition? Mark had struck me in the head, so hard that I could barely open my jaw for several days. The ER doctor told me if he had hit me JUST A QUARTER OF A INCH closer to my temple than he did that it would probably have killed me. I got chills, down my spine, when, I heard him say that.

                                                                                                     

When his abuse of me culminated in his punching my eyeglasses into my face as I was getting ready to go to church-- with him-- for a midweek service (and we had not been conversing or arguing or anything at all, before he terrified me by simply walking up to me in the hallway of the house, and punching me, that way, with no purpose or provocation), it was the last straw for me. He could have blinded me. I fled in the car, and went to the Emergency Room, at the Air Force base hospital. I told the ER doctor that those 'slips' and 'falls' and 'clumsiness-caused' injuries, I'd been treated for, were all, actually, domestic violence assaults, and that I was not covering for Mark anymore. Even my pastor had told me that I should continue to keep silent about it, to protect Mark's career, in the military! I left Mark, and, that church. My right eyebrow, still, to this day, does not fully grow in, above, my right eye, where I had to have several stitches. There is a shadow across the right side of my face in the photo, but there is a stream of bright red blood coming from my right eye that you should, still, be able to see. This photo, and the one beneath it, document a little of the domestic abuse, that I went through, in my last marriage. Mark was arrested for this assault on me, and I went into hiding after moving out, because he had violated the Protection Orders, that, I had taken out, against him.

   

The bruise on my arm is a defensive wound, that I got from trying to block more blows by Mark after he had punched my glasses into my face totally unprovoked. Another bruise on my arm from the attack's partially covered by my shirt sleeve.

If you scroll back up, to the photo of me, that was taken, just before, I met Mark, when I was going to the ministry event that Nora Lam invited me to as her guest,
and then scroll back down to the photo, just below here, you can, visibly, see, the effect, of an abusive man, on a woman, who just wanted to love, and be loved, in this life. It is a travesty and a tragedy. It comes from the pit of hell. >sigh< EVIL. How Mark could have no, real, or lasting, remorse, or repentance, for doing this, I cannot even comprehend. He took, a happy, confident, whole, woman, conned her into loving him, and rewarded her by doing his best to literally destroy her. He did his best to break me, and I was eventually shattered by him, into a million pieces, of heartbreak, and hopelessness. The picture, below, is me after he beat my smile off of me, and wore me down with distress until there was no more joy left in me. It's the photograph of a very unhappy person. It took me 5 years after this ended for me to simply smile again. That, is a huge reason why, my joyfulness, laughter, and smile are so important, to me, now, and I do all I can to protect those things, as well as protect myself, from anyone, and anything, that tries to bring me down, or feels abusive to me, in any way. I shut down in protective mode around anyone that threatens my peace or my happiness in any way, shape, or form. If I look like this photo to you then you have done something to mistreat me or disrespect me.

It is ironic, that a woman who has had, so many, men, say that, they LOVE me, is not in a loving relationship with anyone, and prefers staying single, to what it was like being married. I shared some photos and letters and such from my marriages in this post. In future posts, starting with the next one in December, God willing, I

will share other categories of memorabilia, that I came across, and set aside, as I did that sorting chore. I have lots more 'love letters' to share from other men who I never married, or even dated, in many cases, who declared their love, for me. It seems that TALK IS CHEAP, where men's affections are concerned. I am, truly, not even sure that I am lovable, because of all the apparent insincerity of men toward me. I can't even imagine how great it would have felt, to be loved in a loving way!