I FINALLY finished sorting all of the old papers and pictures and other memorabilia that, together, tell the story of my life, thus far. It took weeks, to do this, and as it was something that I simply couldn't put off any longer, or avoid altogether, I kept at it, until it was done. I started to loathe this, tedious, time-consuming, chore. At times it was emotionally excruciating to have to handle and see every single item, that carried me back to a past that had been largely painful for me. By the time it was finished, I had organized it all into categories. I'm just beginning to write this blog post, at 8:00 in the evening, the day before the one that I have promised my readers that I will publish a post online. Doing what I tell people that I will do, is a very important thing to me. Because of the time crunch, I am limiting this post, to cover only the things about my marriages, that I set aside to share with you here.
In future posts, I will share some of my creative writing that I haven't included, in previous posts, and some things about my family of origin, as well as more things from my dancer days. For whatever reason I have not had a shortage of men who have tried their best to get into my life, and body, along the way, but I just sighed deeply, as I typed that, because it has been a matter of, quantity over quality, and I so deeply desired to know what a truly loving relationship would be like, because I have never had that in my life. Just poor substitutions that, more often than not, left me much worse off for having had them. It is not looking likely that I will ever experience that. My heart has never been an easy one to unlock. Even when I was growing up, and began 'going steady', in elementary school, I resisted boys trying to kiss me, because, even way back then, I felt that, such things should be saved, for someone special. I just sighed, deeply, again. From the time I was only 18 and my half-first-cousin, who was 9 years older than I was, sexually assaulted me and I married him then, because I felt that I was 'damaged goods', from that point on, and had no choice, my 'love life' has been anything but loving. It is a true tragedy for me. It is what it is. I know of women who have never even been asked out on a date, and have never been married, and honestly, I think they're better off, than me. I was shocked to come across a variety of men's 'love letters' to me, from the men that I did marry, as well as several that I could not even recall meeting! They just didn't capture my heart. Letters that I include in these posts will be verbatim. I set aside a few representative ones for this. There are, actually, alot more of the letters like that to me. I wondered, when I saw them, why I'd even saved them at all. I suppose it might have been because they were saying I was someone special to them, someone that they loved, or, thought that, they could love, and it left me feeling hopeful that, at some point, I would feel the same way about one of them; which never happened. The closest I ever came to finding 'true love' with any man was with my second husband, Jim-- the man that I wrote several blog posts about as being 'the one man that I will love forever'. Even so, his egoism was something that I couldn't compete with, either in, his affections, or his agenda, and was a big factor in my decision to divorce him, because of the behaviors that it drove him to do. The bottom line is that, he put himself first, above all else, almost all the time, as far as, his relationship with me, went. Our priorities in life were not compatible.
The blog posts that I wrote about my first marriage, to the first, of two Jims, are: https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/05/nothing-happens-in-vacuum-why-i-dropped_29.html and https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/06/my-first-marriage-i-grew-to-like-him-as.html
I don't have the letter that he wrote me our first Christmas together, after we had moved from North Carolina to Fresno, California, but he took this picture of me as I read it, on Christmas morning. I was only 18, and a bride, to a man who was so closely related to me by blood that some states wouldn't even allow our marriage legally. North Carolina, where we were, both, from, just barely did. I don't look at all happy or in love, in this photo, because I wasn't those things, although we had only been married on December 12, 1974; less than 2 weeks prior to this picture. I feel like my life went off course as far as me ever finding, and being with, a man that I could really love, and want to be with, because this cousin 'took me', as his own, when he never should have. Mutual relatives had asked him to look after me when I went away from home to college, in the much larger city that he lived in. I was still very naive at 18, and had not been properly prepared, by my parents, for things that I would encounter out in the world. My family was not communicative, or supportive, throughout my upbringing. I had no one there for me but this man. I was love-starved by the time I got there, and he took full advantage of that fact.
The second Jim, and my second husband, is described in, several, posts, on: June 26, 2019, July 11, 2019, July 25, 2019, August 8, 2019, August 15, 2019, April 3, 2019, and August 28, 2019. Our, romantic, relationship, while we were in the U.S. Air Force, was, to this day, the closest thing I've ever had to experiencing mutual love with a man. Even so, outside of the fact that, he was the best sexual partner I have EVER had, the relationship was never built on a solid foundation of mutual beliefs and priorities. Jim was ALWAYS out for himself, first and foremost (except for in the sack having sex, where he was, wonderfully, giving, and spoiled me for any other, because of that). We had alot of fun together, while we were stationed at Keesler Air Force Base, in Biloxi, Mississippi. But, Jim loved being the center of attention no matter who or what else was in the picture, and his values could not be discerned by his behaviors. He was driven to get other peoples' approval, and admiration, causing him to lose more and more of mine, until I did not even want to be around him anymore by the time I divorced him. We had opposing outlooks on life. We were insatiably hot for one another, in bed, but outside of that he was a turn off to me, and I wasn't what he wanted or felt he needed, in a wife, since I was annoyed at his focus on appearances above all else. I don't care what people think of me in the way that he was consumed by it. He did whatever it took to be well-liked and universally popular. I could care less if anyone likes me unless they like me for who I actually am. I am honest and sincere, and prefer to keep things real, in my relationships with people. The years that I was a dancer, I had to be a fantasy, for the men coming into the nightclubs. That is what we were paid to do. They didn't come in there, and pay alot of money for watered-down drinks, to see any woman that was not like their dreams, and desires. I ended up, losing myself, along the way, and compromising values, that meant alot to me. I had not looked through these old papers and pictures for a while, and didn't even remember, that Jim had actually written me, several, affectionate, cards and letters, in the course of our relationship. I don't know why it is, I didn't think of him that way (although when I do think about him it tends to be remembering how great he was in bed!), but he wrote me the following letter while we were, basically, living together, 99% of the time, in his apartment, off base. It was in an envelope that is yellowed with age. He wrote it to me in 1980 (42 years ago!) with "Debbie Sq[uadron] 11" on it.
Here is that letter of Jim's to me:
Hey honey,
I miss you! I just thought I'd drop you a line to tell you that I love you!! After we got cut off this afternoon, I went for a walk on the beach. I did alot of thinking and prayed for while. I asked God to help me decide what to do. He told me that the only way to make it is to be happy and enjoy the good times and struggle thru the hard times. If you love someone, He said, you will make it through. I told him this was a hard time, but that I loved you and wanted to work through it. He told me you love me. Anyway, I could go on but I believe that if we really do love each other, like we do, then we are depriving ourselves not to let us love each other.
When you leave this base, you may not be far away, and I can come see you. I know you are scared about being hurt when you leave and also, about getting married. You're not alone!! I'm also scared! But I know I love you and that I will be at your base when I leave here! (If you want me!) I also will not guarantee that we would get married but because I love you so much, I would want to take the chance! Maybe we would!
One of the main things I love about you are your way we communicate, the way we can understand each other, and most important the way you can accept me the way I am. I feel the same way! Although we might be away from each other for a little while, our personalities won't change. We will still share these 3 traits between us. With that, I think we could work out anything that comes between us. If you don't believe that, look at past history! We've done it on a number of occasions! Give it a chance, and it will happen again!
Well, that's what I've been thinking about! I'm going to come over and give this to you soon. Cross my fingers!!!! I love you so much!!
Jim
XXXX
OOOO
XXXX
[NOTE: If you haven't read the blog posts about him, we did get married, but it was after I ended up pregnant after telling him I was no longer on birth control because I had been away from him, for some time, at another Air Force base. I didn't have sex with anyone but him while I was in the Air Force. He wanted me though, and said, he would 'pull out', but didn't, and I ended up pregnant. I did not feel truly wanted, by him, because of that. We did not want the same things in life and our goals, and values, were pulling us in different directions. It would not have worked, with us, long term, because only one or the other would want whichever direction, we went in, together. I set him free, divorcing him, and he followed his path, that he had wanted for his life, had a very successful Air Force career, and married a wonderful woman, who became my son's, second, mother. He was a young 2nd Lieutenant not long out of college when he wrote the letter.]
I found a letter that I wrote to our son, Jay, on August 6, 1984, that I don't think I ever sent to him. It shows my heart, at that time, when he was not quite three:
Dear Jay, darling son,
I'm hoping this letter will reach you somehow-- I haven't intruded on Jim and Linnea's lives & whereabouts, but I don't think all of you would still be in Ohio by now. I just have wanted so much to reach out to you and tell you, hoping you'll believe me, how very much I love and adore you; how much I miss you. I'm crying as I write this because frankly this whole situation has been agony for me. Jim & Linnea are expecting a 2nd child in the family, and I pray all 4 of you will be healthy and close, Christian and loving, together. When that new child reaches 13 months, perhaps Linnea can imagine more fully for a moment what it was like for me to have you leave my life [at that age]. I love you so! I have been pleased for you, tho, feeling that they love you & take care of you. I believe I was a good and loving parent to you, too, son, only I didn't have the emotional, supportive, or financial resources to give you all I wanted you to have in life. I hope you never even contemplate "rejection" as a motive for my letting you go. I love no one as I love you, & never will.
Linnea was kind enough to send photos of you to your grandparents in Hickory, N.C. They were gratified, as was I, when one was forwarded to me. I've had to not cling to it because it is small and fragile, & I want it always. You are such an attractive, intelligent, happy, life-loving little boy, Jay! I hope life-- as you grow up and learn its realities-- does not destroy these assets you possess or wear you down or turn you from faith in God. I must proclaim to you that God has gotten me through the pain, heartache, & loss-- tho on a struggling, day-by-day basis. He has provided for me, protected me, loved me all these days that I feel no love. How I miss your active love for me! How close we once were, little one, & how sweet and strong the bond!
I give Jim & Linnea full credit for the fine job they seem to be doing with you. I pray for you all. I don't mean to lessen all they're doing for you as parents, but I don't think they'll mind me writing this just to say to you-- out of the bond I'll always feel with you as the child I wanted & carried & loved--
- Mommy loves you, Jay!
[NOTE: Linnea's child she was carrying resulted in a stillborn birth, although they adopted a girl, later on, so there still ended up being four of them in their home.]
I apologize for the poor quality of the photographs in this post. They're old photos that I had to photograph using my flip phone's (not a smart phone) camera, while holding them in my hand, because I do not have a way to scan them in, etc. Even though they are not perfectly clear, I think you will still be able to see the essence of them, for the purposes that they are included here. These are 'documentation'.
This photo was taken by me on the morning that I was leaving my baby boy, Jay, with his father, Jim, and soon-to-be-stepmother, Linnea, to raise together, in a 2-parent home, because it was, the best way, to give Jay the best life, that I could. He was only 13 months old. I taught him to call Linnea "Mommy" before I left, so he would be bonded to her and not traumatized by my sudden absence from him. It was one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things that I've ever had to do.
Jay was born in November, so not long before I transferred his custody to Jim and Linnea, I took him to the mall to see Santa, when he was one year old. But, while we waited, in the long line, Jay fell asleep. Rather than wake him, I gently laid my sleeping child on Santa's lap, and this picture captures that, precious, moment. It was far better than any picture I've seen of children smiling-- or shrieking-- there.
[NOTE: The pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted, but when I found out I was pregnant, I could not abort him, despite, my mother, and Jim, telling me, to do it. He was born out of the love that I felt for and with his father. He was us together.]
https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/04/if-you-love-someone-set-them-free.html and https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/08/my-sons-other-mother-was-heaven-sent.html are the two main blog posts about my son Jay, although he is spoken of in other posts, as well. He turned 41 years old, this month, so, my 'baby', is now, a middle-aged man! Time goes by so fast.
Linnea, my son's stepmother, who we never referred to that way but only as Jay's other mother, and then, as his primary "Mommy", was very good about letting me know how Jay was doing as he was growing up. She wrote me lots of letters, and sent me photos of Jay, and of their family-- which was a blessing, to see how well it was going for them, but also heartbreaking for me, because I never found that, for myself, in my life, to this day. I am sharing a letter from Linnea here, because it is a good representation of how she was, with me, Jay's birthmother, and if you can imagine putting yourself in my place in this situation, you may be able to see how hard it was on me, as I read some of what she said to me. I was good about staying out of their lives and out of their way, for the most part, and Linnea and I were on good, friendly, terms, the large majority (although, not all) of the time. I will type out exactly what she said to me, in the letter, but skip the parts that are not relevant, but are more general, such as, her observations about the weather:
Aug 29
Dear Deb,
Received your letter the other day and was sorry to hear about your pending divorce but I'm sure you have given it much thought and deliberation and found it to be the best solution. Now you must concentrate on you- putting your life back on a meaningful track.
We have been trying to find out where our next assignment will take us. So far the possibilities are Maxwell AFB Montgomery Alabama, Hanscom AFB Boston, MA and Mons, Belgium. I suppose we won't know anything for several months and knowing the Air Force it could be anywhere.
You asked how I felt about your relationship with Jay. I appreciate it is a difficult thing for you to settle in your heart and mind. Personally I appreciate your not playing an active role and allowing me to be the 'mother' to Jay. It is important for Jay to have the security of one mother and as we have discussed many times before as he becomes older and is able to understand love, marriage and divorce we will tell him about your relationship to him. Jay is a very sensitive child and becomes hurt easily. I would never suggest telling him before he is mature enough to think rationally and understand emotions. I know it must be hard to stand back- but it is for Jay's benefit that it must be that way.
Well I must close this letter now and get my children some breakfast and ready to go grocery shopping before the store is too crowded.
Love
Linnea, Jay,
Jim & Krista
Here is another letter from Linnea to me (again, just the relevant parts):
Jay goes to church school every Sunday. He is learning to sing "Jesus Loves Me". He must like church because he sometimes will ask if he can go to church. Jay's school is also a function of the Evangelical church and they tell them Bible stories and sing biblical songs, too.
Jay is really into "kiss" and "hug". He will tell Jim "Kiss Mommy" or "Hug Mommy". He also likes to do some of that himself, not only with Mommy and Daddy but Erika, Nichole, Kiki, & Jennifer from school. We have a 2 year old 'lover' on our hands.
Linnea, Jim & Jay
I write poetry, among other things (such as this blog), but I got that trait from my mother, whose own poetry I read, from the time I was just a little girl. She, was a school teacher, for much of my childhood, so teaching us to read at a young age, and providing us with plenty of books, caused me to become an avid reader, and, very, verbal. When, my son, Jay, was born, my mother surprised me, by writing a poem in Jay's honor. It is included in this post. I don't think my son ever knew his grandmother did that, for him. It will be memorialized, in this post, now, however.
A note from: Doris Robinson
Sunday, Nov 15, 1981
[Jay]
The thread of life has woven us together
head and heart-
Of everything that makes me Me, you have
become a part!
Not long ago- yet fifty years- I was the
size of you.
And soon- it seemed so rapidly- your Mom
was cradled too!
Today- a feeling so profound- through you
we're born again-
New hopes, new dreams, new happiness-
Some moments filled with pain.
Your busy hands, unfolding mind, your sharp
inquiring eye
Will strengthen and add to the threads we're
weaving, you and I.
[NOTE: My mother was 25, when she had me, and I was 25, when I had Jay, yet she refused to come to Omaha, following Jay's birth, while I recovered some, and her reason she gave me was that: I forced her to be a grandmother too soon and she did not want to come help me because, she really resented me, for that. She was serious, too. She did, finally, agree to come, but not before, totally, stressing me out, with all of the criticism about my pregnancy and back and forth about it.]
I found some handwritten pages from 1982 where I journaled some of what I was thinking and feeling, as I prepared to transfer Jay's custody to Jim, and to Linnea:
December 15, 1982
As we were leaving . . . a wind blew several dead, brown leaves in a circular whirlwind . . . around and around. Jay stared in delight and amazement . . .
I find myself savoring, and holding tightly to, these special little moments with my infant son. . . . I sat down beside Jay on the sofa. He was just awakening from napping there, & he crawled to me and hugged my knees, lying his head upon my lap. He lay there quietly, & still, & I stroked his long, blond curls. . . . when I'm employed, he will stay here with Jim and Linnea . . . to have a mother and a father, as well as the financial and emotional security I simply was not able to afford him. I will move out, and miss him so terribly (the tears in my eyes as I write this attest to that); yet I feel so much better about his overall lifestyle and future, now, tho I cannot guarantee his future with them anymore than I could have guaranteed him I would've married someone someday & been able to provide him with more. . . .
He's so young now-- God, he's exactly 13 months today-- he probably won't even really remember our year together. . . . Tonight, I held Jay so tight. . . . I just said to Jay, . . . "Mommy loves you, Jay. Jesus loves you, too. Mommy won't be with you alot longer now, but-- please, God-- know that Jesus will always be there to watch over you for Mommy. You are too young for me to explain everything, but I've tried to get you a better future." . . .
I'm trying to help him make the transition from having me to my not being there always, and from me to Linnea as his Mom. I'm trying to do it in a healthy psychological manner, to be clear and impartial enough about it not to cling to Jay or show him my hurt and despair as we part . . . . He has enough in his little life to cope with. I feel good about Jay's future, & frankly I'm relieved Jim's marrying such a nice & decent lady as Linnea so I can feel good about giving them custody of Jay. . . . Sometimes others think I'm shallow, or I don't care, because I don't show a reaction to a situation. I feel alot, and very deeply, but I don't always show it-- especially if for me it's a very private emotion.
Don't think for a minute I don't hurt, tho, over leaving Jay or any of this in my life. . . . I've hurt. ALOT. I've hurt so pervasively & for so long now that I don't even feel the pain anymore & yet I know it's there. In other words, I'm numb. It was a body-&-mind defense mechanism because I really couldn't take all that pain anymore. Damn! I'd hoped for a nervous breakdown from it all so I could escape from the realities awhile. I guess I'm stronger-- & more of a realist, more practical, more a survivor-- than even I thought.
Jan. 8, '83
I . . . have so many thoughts & feelings in me I haven't slept at all. . . . I'll sleep here at Jim's again tonight after work and move my things from here tomorrow. . . Hopefully my life will mellow out some now, tho, & I can begin to heal some hurts.
God willing.
Jan. 23, 1983
Jay came to visit me today. Since I moved out of Jim's, I'd only seen Jay one other time, over at Jim's (and Linnea's) for about an hour. . . . I wanted to . . . savor Jay to myself. We then "came home" to my apartment. . . . he felt strange in the new apartment, and I explained to him that this was Mommy's house but he couldn't live here with me, as he seemed to think it was his new house, too. . . . When Jim and Linnea came to pick Jay up, Jay did not laugh and get all happy & excited like he did when I was at their door. He saw them and made a little "panic" noise. . . . He looked up at me quickly like, "They're not here to take me away, are they?" Linnea picked Jay up & he tried to reach out to me & get to my arms. He wanted to stay with me . . . he didn't want to leave me. . . . It hurt so badly, too, as I wanted to keep him with me, & it's so obvious he doesn't understand what's happened to his world, why Mommy isn't with him and him with me, anymore. . . . I cried, in the parking lot . . . as they drove off with Jay, with my baby, my son . . . I had a bad night, tossing & turning & feeling like part of me dies each time . . . . God be with me, & with my precious son, Jay. May we always have our love for one another in a world that loves so little.
I wrote a blog post about a much older woman than I was named Vivian Gulleen, who was a godly woman, and missionary for much of her life, and never married, because she said, she never met a man who would love her, the way her parents had loved one another, and with that as her example she simply refused to settle for less. (I did settle for, much, less than I wanted, needed, and deserved when I married the men that I did, and alot of misery came from my doing that. Vivian's included in this post because of a note she wrote to me, regarding my son, Jay. I will share the words of that, here, but the link below is also to my post about her. https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2019/08/a-lesson-to-younger-woman-from-older.html
April 17, 1984
My dear Debbie:-
I just want you to know that my heart went out to you yesterday and I know your heart ached because you dearly love that son of yours. But I pray God will give you the necessary strength from day to day to continue to trust and follow your Savior and to be faithful in your work. I was so glad to hear you say you are doing your very best and determined to carry on. . . . I do daily pray for you and I do feel God is answering- we may think slowly but in His perfect timing. . . .
Much love,
Vivian
Tom, my third husband, wrote the most, and longest, letters to me. I am not sure why, but the two abusive husbands, my last two of the four, often expressed their love for me in writing, but regularly mistreated me, in between those declarations of undying love, for me. They, are also the two that I met in the nightclubs, that I worked in as a dancer. I met them both in the Backdoor Lounge. Here are some of the excerpts from letters that Tom wrote to me. He's the only one I married twice. https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2020/12/the-boy-from-brooklyn-that-i-married.html https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2021/12/i-married-my-third-husband-two-times.html
[NOTE: I went by my dancer name, Stevie, during my marriages to Tom and Mark even though, I quit dancing, when I got married. They had met me in the club, as Stevie, so it just felt natural to them to call me that. I signed any legal documents and such with my, legal, name, Deborah, though, so they both knew what it was.]
Stevie,
The last time I talked to you, I said I would write to you & tell you what's been happening to me. I'm not having a good time right now because all sorts of things have blown up in my face, and I'm having a very difficult time coping.
At one time you told me that I was trying to self-destruct. Because of my pride I refused to listen to you & chose to do things on my own, thinking that I can handle anything. Well, I was wrong. . . . I had some additional duties taken away from me at work because I was not performing those duties as well as I should. I've also had a little trouble performing my job. I increasingly find myself getting so frustrated that I feel like exploding. Things got so bad for me that I have lost my assignment to England. I don't blame anyone but myself. Because of all these things happening to me I am forced to accept the fact that I can not continue to follow this road that I have laid, so I have made an appointment at Mental Health to try to learn what is wrong with me. The only thing I can tell you right now is that for some unknown reason I'm afraid to be placed in a position of authority. . . It also explains why I would not take more of a leadership role in our marriage, & also why my work has suffered. . . .
Take care
Tom
This is part of another letter that he sent to me. These letters seem to be from his tour(s) of duty overseas. Tom was an Air Force sergeant and a weather forecaster.
Thank you ever so much for all the things that you have sent me, they mean so much to me. I want to take one of your dancer pictures (the large one you sent me) and put it in a frame to place on my dresser, next to the picture of the two of us, but I thought I should get your permission first. It's a wonderful picture because it shows just how truly beautiful you are. It also shows how talented you are, the costume looks great. . . . I wish that I could kiss you in person, that would be much more satisfying, but until that time comes, this will do.
This picture doesn't really convey what is actually going on here, unless you have the details: I was sitting, with Mark, in a restaurant booth, and all I could eat was little spoonfuls of liquid that I was, barely, able get into my mouth, by tipping the spoon and letting it slide in. My eyes are also showing the pain I was in from this. What caused me to be in this condition? Mark had struck me in the head, so hard that I could barely open my jaw for several days. The ER doctor told me if he had hit me JUST A QUARTER OF A INCH closer to my temple than he did that it would probably have killed me. I got chills, down my spine, when, I heard him say that.
If you scroll back up, to the photo of me, that was taken, just before, I met Mark, when I was going to the ministry event that Nora Lam invited me to as her guest,
and then scroll back down to the photo, just below here, you can, visibly, see, the effect, of an abusive man, on a woman, who just wanted to love, and be loved, in this life. It is a travesty and a tragedy. It comes from the pit of hell. >sigh< EVIL. How Mark could have no, real, or lasting, remorse, or repentance, for doing this, I cannot even comprehend. He took, a happy, confident, whole, woman, conned her into loving him, and rewarded her by doing his best to literally destroy her. He did his best to break me, and I was eventually shattered by him, into a million pieces, of heartbreak, and hopelessness. The picture, below, is me after he beat my smile off of me, and wore me down with distress until there was no more joy left in me. It's the photograph of a very unhappy person. It took me 5 years after this ended for me to simply smile again. That, is a huge reason why, my joyfulness, laughter, and smile are so important, to me, now, and I do all I can to protect those things, as well as protect myself, from anyone, and anything, that tries to bring me down, or feels abusive to me, in any way. I shut down in protective mode around anyone that threatens my peace or my happiness in any way, shape, or form. If I look like this photo to you then you have done something to mistreat me or disrespect me.
