Sigh.
Where to start, with this one.
This is about the last family member that I haven't specifically blogged about. My youngest sister, Pam. She has been mentioned, in other posts, about my family. I never felt that, I had, enough, understanding, of where our relationship was, with one another, or was going, to be able to begin to describe my experience, of that, here. Until now. Mostly due to, my deciding, to, permanently, go No Contact, with my dysfunctional family members, in an effort to protect myself, from any further mental and emotional abuse from them, we had been out of touch completely, for about 15 years before Pam emailed me out-of-the-blue on June 30, 2020. (Which also shows that she had my email all that time but had not felt any reason to use it, prior to this, to reach out to me-- on her own behalf-- for any reason; until she needed me, now, to help settle our mother's Estate.) She did acknowledge, in her first email, after all this time, that she knew, I had, in fact, chosen to go fully and lastingly No Contact with my family of origin (NOTE: and, with some, other family members, who had not bothered to learn my side of the story or care about what I have gone through because of all this crap but had simply taken their side; also making me, the scapegoat, to them, then). She told me that our mother was in a care facility, due to declining health issues. Soon, after that email, came, another, one, saying our mother had closed her eyes there after staff had been in to brush her hair, and died. One of my main tormentors, in my life, my narcissistic mother, had died, peacefully, when that moment came. I had loved my mother, but, I also had to distance myself, to protect myself, from her. She had this ability to destroy me, and she had attempted to, in ways that only a narcissist will try to do, since I was a very little girl. Narcissists never really 'win', because, they cost themselves, so much, in the process of trying to discredit and dim the light of their scapegoat. My last husband was also a narcissist, and I am sure that he realized what he had cost himself, by treating me as horribly as he did, so much of the time, destroying our relationship with one another irreparably, in the process of all that. Narcissists are compelled, to do these things to their victims. However, that is certainly never an excuse for it. It's something that has very nearly annihilated me and destroyed what they could have had, for themselves, with our relationship, in the process of scapegoating me. Someone who loved them, and did not deserve any of this hell-on-earth from them. Narcissism is an extremely destructive force in relationships.
I couldn't even feel relieved. Relieved that Mom was now in Heaven and therefore finally healed of her toxic ways, toward me. Or, relieved that she would not be on this earth, to do those things to me ever again. It isn't that simple. She managed to turn my son against me, while she was alive, as well as other family members, such as his stepmother, and perhaps, his father (the one man I will love forever); all of whom I love deeply. It stung when I had reached out to my son many years after I had realized that, with no explanation or good-bye he had chosen to leave me behind in his life, and he harshly admonished me-- told me off, by email-- for 'making (my mother) cry'. I only WISH, that was ALL, that SHE had done, to ME! Her spreading that bias, that toxic manipulation, into the hearts and minds of my other loved ones, poisoning these, precious, sacred, family relationships, because they 'drank the kool-aid'* and believed her version, meant her legacy will live on, in my life, for all the rest of my days on this earth. These people became more of her Flying Monkeys** for her narcissistic abuse of me, punishing me by proxy, by blaming me, turning on me, rejecting me, adding insult to injury. Imprisoning me in their, unfair, and untrue, judgement, that I did this, TO the family, and I AM TO BLAME for this dysfunction; especially because I went No Contact (and 'made her cry'). No one who understands the insidiousness of Narcissistic Abuse would ever agree with, or condone, this scapegoating, of me, that my family has done! They can understand how much I have endured and lost, because of it. I would NEVER have WISHED it to be THIS way. It is the very thing, I was praying my son would not succumb to. The thing I was most trying to get him out of and to protect him from, when I realized, I could not stay with my family, to raise this precious baby boy, of mine; but because I was out of options to keep him with me, then, it also meant that I had to give up custody of him, to his father and his new stepmother. I simply couldn't meet all of his needs well enough, without some, family support.
You may be wondering, why, I seemingly digressed, into descriptions of others, in my family, when this post is, specifically, about Pam. It is background information, about the dysfunction in my family of origin, because, NONE of us have escaped it unscathed. It tainted, every single one of us, that it has touched, with the toxicity, that my mother was always at the core of. When Pam physically reentered my life on August 20, when I moved back to the Carolinas, and she and her husband met me at my new house, to help me move in, I wondered whether she had become a narcissist, taking up our mother's unholy mantle. After all, she had been born and raised by the same set of parents, and had the same siblings, as me. I knew that, the environment had to have affected her, in some way. What was modeled for us as acceptable family behavior was definitely dysfunctional; which was neither, her fault, nor mine. We were both impressionable, vulnerable, children learning about family and home life as it was presented to us. I came to the conclusion, after my initial concern, that Pam might also be a narcissist, that she most definitely is not. (Thank God, because, there is, sadly, really no cure, for that, due to, what causes someone to adapt that, relational, behavioral strategy in the first place.) However, Pam's coping choices were toxic to me, traumatizing, me, as we were now around one another again after my being away from having to deal with these things with my family of origin. Especially, face-to-face, like this. Rarely, is anything, as clear-cut, as being, either black or white. Especially, not in regard to people. People are complex, complicated, creatures. Still, there are, identifiable characteristics, of an individual's personality, that seem, to be, virtually, set in stone. How they tend to, act, and react, in the world. That, is how, I am able to say, "I am what I am", and know what I mean, by that, despite, the fact, that I am ALOT of things, that cover a wide spectrum, of beliefs, and behaviors. There's a certain set of traits, inherent in every individual, that are woven into the very fabric of who this, or that, person is. That's largely how and why people tend to label one another. "She's so sweet!" (Maybe to THEM; but NOT to ME!) "He's so outgoing." (But, he also likes his alone time, too.) "They are so talkative." (Although, everyone is quiet, at some point, as well.) We, each, have certain characteristics, which enable others to pigeonhole us with some degree of accuracy if describing us to someone else. Yet, there are also some deviations, from that 'standard operating procedure' that we usually employ in dealing with most others in our lives, that are only relevant in regard to specific relationships. One example, would be, that of a drill sergeant, in the military, who can strike pure fear in the hearts of the recruits, they are yelling at, as they try to make military members of them, but, is a veritable 'purring pussycat' at home, as he or she holds their little children in their arms, and tenderly kisses their spouse.
Through prayer and pondering, I was able to come up with some conclusions, that are based on my observations of, and interactions with, my sister, Pam. These are specific to her, especially as far as my relationship with her. She is very willful and has a tendency to be bossy, but I truly believe she does not go to the lengths that she does in her relationship with me to be as domineering of others. For her sake, and theirs, I HOPE this is true, anyway! I cannot fathom the depths of her soul, to know, exactly, what has caused her to be as she is. I researched the things, that I have been 'bitten by', from her, simply to try to better understand, where she was coming from, before I even began to prepare for writing this post; which included, my taking things into account like her astrology sign which is Scorpio. That helped alot, actually. I was on the verge of believing that she had succumbed to the toxic attribute of being a narcissist, as I said, before I read alot about Scorpios online. I saw, so much, of her, in those descriptions. So, in that sense, there is much hope, for her, whereas there really is none for a narcissist. That was a huge relief to me! However, I also researched the compatibility, of our two signs (Scorpio happens to be my son Jay's sign, as well.) Some sites said that the two signs could get along, quite well, but more often than not it was said that they are not really compatible. (My beloved cockatiel, CeeBee, who had am extremely close relationship with me, was, also, a Scorpio, but, maybe astrology doesn't apply to nonhuman creatures.)
From The 3 Zodiac Signs You’re Most Likely To Have A Toxic Relationship With (bustle.com): "When two signs come together that don't fit, it can be toxic," Jaye, an astrologer with Gifted Astrology, tells Bustle. "Your Sun sign attributes will play strongly into how you get along with other signs . . . ."
The 10 Scorpio Personality Traits to Know (prepscholar.com) says that "The Scorpio personality is often misunderstood due to their intensity and their tendency to be harsh. . . . They have . . . demanding personalities . . . . Scorpios have a tendency to lay in wait, collecting information and trust until their time to strike. Scorpios need to be aware of some of their harsher qualities, and so do those who have Scorpios in their lives. Scorpios feel everything intensely, including jealousy. They are quick to be jealous since they think their determination and intelligence entitle them to get what they want. They have a hard time not comparing other people's achievements with their own, and think everything is a competition. When someone else gets something the Scorpio desires, we know they can be jealous. But on top of that, no one holds a grudge like a Scorpio does. They take betrayals personally and setbacks seriously, and may often find themselves resenting others for perceived slights. Scorpios like to be in control. Their fierceness and intensity means that they think they know what's best, and the people in their lives will often find themselves under the Scorpio's thumb. Scorpios also hate being controlled by others, and need control over all situations. . . . don't like compromise. They are set in what they think and like, and are not easily convinced to try new things. . . . sharp tongue . . . . . . . The Scorpio in your life may come across as harsh or critical, and this is an inevitable part of the Scorpio personality. Learn to understand where this behavior comes from; it's very likely that it stems from their own insecurities about themselves or about your relationship. [To Scorpios:] Work on forgiveness. . . . Learn to let go of small infractions. This will help you maintain relationships, and also teach you not to be so hard on yourself."There are two expressions that come to bear here, as I describe my sister and my relationship with her: "Actions speak louder than words" whether good or bad and
In the case of, our relationship with one another, this is a double-edged sword. In both of her visits, to my new home, when I moved here (within 'striking distance' of my family members, again, which is stressful enough, for me to try to handle), Pam's lack of acceptance of me, just being who I am, came through, clearly. This was traumatic, for me, when we were around one another, in person, again. I felt like she was gripping the entirety of the situation so tightly in order to control the narrative, and therefore to an enormous extent ME, that I did not feel free to say what I needed, or wanted, if it differed in any way from her overarching takeover. While I did my best to make it as pleasant an experience as possible, for us both, this situation kept me from feeling mentally relaxed, or emotionally safe, enough, to express my own thoughts and emotions inside MY OWN HOME! THAT is a REAL PROBLEM, and is something that I cannot allow to be done to me; by anyone. My HOME should-- and MUST-- ALWAYS be MY SAFE SPACE, where, I can be MYSELF. There is no point, to HAVING a home of MY OWN, FINALLY, if I am TRAUMATIZED here, by such SCENES***, as Pam pulled-- BOTH, times-- that she came to visit.
The second and last visit was-- appropriately enough (since, it FELT like a type of TERRORIST ATTACK, on me)-- on 9/11. It took me, at least, a full month before I felt like I was over enough of the emotional trauma that her words and behaviors caused me, to not feel that I was still stuck in a traumatized emotional state from that being inflicted on my soul by her. It was deeply distressing, and damaging to me. It is complicated by the fact that I also saw when we were together here that we, genuinely, do love one another. However, she seems to act as if that BOND of LOVE ALLOWS HER to TREAT ME THIS WAY. That, BECAUSE she KNOWS for SURE that I LOVE HER, she USES, my love, for her, as a weapon, against me, by acting like a bully toward me, but expecting that, because of my love, I will simply allow that from her. She is VERY WRONG ABOUT THAT, though. Which, I PLAINLY TOLD HER, when she suddenly pulled this crap on me when she was here the first time. Taking advantage of someone's love, they have for you, by using it against them, in an effort to try to control them, is a form of abuse, I believe, and I won't allow ANYONE to EVER abuse me, in ANY way, EVER AGAIN, in my life. NOR SHOULD I!
On Twitter, my Pinned Tweet, which is my 'signature' expression of MYSELF, says:
That, sums up, WHO I am, WHERE I'm coming from, and WHAT my priorities are!
This post is difficult to do, for the same reason that I put off writing it when I was getting the blog posts about my family members done, much earlier on, than this. I didn't feel, then, and I, still, don't feel, now, that my relationship with this sister is at its end. I feel, in my spirit, that there is more to come in our story with each other. I say that, because it seems to be true; not because I have any motivation, or plan, of my own, either way, to cause it to be one way or another, as far as the outcome. I love Pam more than any other person on the planet, besides my son's father, Jim, who is the one man that I will love forever, my son Jay, and Jim's wife and Jay's stepmother, Linnea. There are no other human beings, in my heart, that even come close to the love that I feel for each one of them. (However, I did, and do, still, love my cockatiel, CeeBee, more than anyone, and everyone; except, for God. CeeBee is the ONLY one on Earth who's loved me unconditionally. God is my life, my everything, and my ALL-IN-ALL! Ref. 1 Corinthians 15:28 Amplified Bible) However, even if speaking only in astrological terms, for generalization purposes, this relationship with Pam has a mountain of challenges to climb if we are both to be able to enjoy interacting, with one another, and having each other in our lives. It is not at all easy-- especially, since 'the fallout', from our visits here, in August, and September, deepened the divide between us once again, and has left us both wary. I am not smiling, about the, overall, situation, as it stands right now; and I am concerned that I won't be up to taking more risks, going forward, by allowing her back. Whether, that is, into my home, or my, actual, everyday life, here, now.
Her recent behaviors have left me extremely 'gun shy', about exposing myself, to her, and being 'rewarded', for that HUGE RISK, with MORE OF THE SAME. I CAN'T HAVE THAT. I told her, the first time she was here, I won't allow disrespect of me. Yet, she behaved even worse, toward me, the second time she was here. Clearly, she is testing me, pushing the limits, like a child who's pitching a tantrum; which is actually what she did, during the September visit. It was mouth-dropping stuff! So, as of now, we are, at an impasse, and I am perfectly able to leave it this way, because I will NOT be treated like that-- EVER-- but ESPECIALLY, not in MY HOME. I am fully prepared to return to No Contact, which is basically what we're back to, anyway, at this point, and, a real relief, to me; if she doesn't reevaluate priorities. There is no middle ground with this crap. She WILL treat me with RESPECT or we are back to permanent No Contact, with one another. She must decide which one matters more to her. I was not 'pining away' for family, at all, during the previous 15 years of No Contact, because these people made it SO NOT WORTH IT to have them in my life-- making me MISERABLE. That's not something that I need NOW!
When Pam first contacted me after about 15 years in June of 2020 to tell me that Mom was in poor health, she soon needed my cooperation and supportiveness, to accomplish all that she had to, as the Executor, of Mom's Estate, when Mom died, soon afterward, on August 10. I am sure that Pam would have to, honestly, say, I was there for her in every way that I could be, during the somewhat lengthy legal process, that she was now responsible to fulfill, on our mother's behalf. All of this was new to both of us, as far as dealing with a Will of a deceased relative of ours. I was in Omaha throughout all of this, and Pam was in North Carolina. There was also the Covid-19 pandemic and I was in quarantine trying to stay safe, alive and well, during this dangerous situation (which is still going on, with no end in sight, as I am writing this blog post). I prayed for Pam's safety as she traveled not only for her job, but also to the city that Mom had lived in before she passed away, to take care of all that. She made several trips there, as she obtained a lawyer, and a realtor; learning to navigate the legal process which was required of her, to sell Mom's house, as well as, sort through, and decide, what to do with, our mother's belongings. I did not envy my sister, having to do all that. I felt helpless, living in Omaha, during all of that, but I sent her emails and texts, letting her know that I was supporting all of her efforts during this difficult time. Some had cartoons that I hoped would bless her, with a smile, or a laugh. Others, were often messages of encouragement, to let her know that, I 'was there for her', as much as I could be.
Below are some of the emails and texts I sent Pam; setting aside, my preference, for No Contact with family members, because it was obvious-- even if only due to all the legal papers that I, also, had to sign, for this to be resolved for everyone's sake-- that, for this to go as smoothly as possible, for her, I needed to be helpful.
I went beyond the basics, of that, to be, supportive, affirming, and loving, to her.
I appreciate that you are taking care of business on her behalf. Let anything about me involving that be the very least of your concerns. I have had to learn how to rest in God’s Grace, through a lot of things, in this life. Occasionally I have a lapse, in that, but overall I have learned to trust God well enough that patience isn’t my own virtue, by any means, but a reflection of my absolute trust in the Lord, His Will, and His Timing, “so that [I] may prove [for myself] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for me].” (Romans 12:2)
Deb
P.S. If you come across any photos of my son, Jay, and his wife, (Eliza)Beth, at all, and they are not designated for someone else, or to be returned to him, or his Dad and (step)Mom, I would like to have those, if that is alright.
Mon, Aug 24, 2020 at 4:45 AM
Hi Pam, You have been in my thoughts a lot lately, because I know you are shouldering all this. God bless you for that.
My reluctance to provide an address becomes a moot point, if the attorney or clerk of court will put it on paperwork they THEN provide you copies of! If that is what will happen, then I’d may as well just give it to you, anyway, and PRAY YOU DON’T BETRAY ME, too. When I was just coming into this apartment, I started attending a spirit-filled church with a prophetic prayer team, none of who knew me at all. I went to a private prayer session with them, silently praying that God would speak to me through them. One of the things they said, in my private prayer session, was that I have suffered greatly from BETRAYAL in my life. Boy, is THAT an UNDERSTATEMENT. I already struggle EVERY day with OCD, and an anxiety disorder, as a result of such things. I AM TRYING MY BEST TO HEAL! I cannot TAKE ANY MORE BETRAYAL, or ABUSE, from ANYONE. I. JUST. CAN’T. . . . I CAN’T.
Please let me know if they can handle my address privately, or if they are only going to give you copies of the documents anyway, with my address on those, because at that point, I will have to put my trust, in your hands, along with my address. I THINK I CAN do that, but you are ALSO FAMILY, and that is a FEARsome WORD, for ME. I see, in your emails, that you are TRYING TO UNDERSTAND where I am coming from. I TRULY APPRECIATE THAT, from you. Thanks. – Deborah
Mon, Aug 24, 2020 at 1:36 PM
As I read that--- all that you are going through, yourself, with all this, and your need to get back to your own home, tears filled my eyes, for you, and all that you are having to deal with! As I have never been involved in any such legal matters--- only divorce(s)--- I had no idea about all the hassles involved, in this stuff. Here is my address for you. I pray that you make the appointments, that you need, ASAP, also, and return safely to your home, in time, as well. I have been concerned about you being out, and about, through the pandemic, as well, as you take care of these things.
None of this estate stuff will matter, if you get sick or worse, while doing all these things. I hope you are taking ALL the necessary precautions to protect yourself!
Mon, Aug 24, 2020 at 3:29 PM
Saw this just now in one of my Facebook Group’s postings, which I turn to for smiles and laughs (which are very healing). As it was about children selling their older parent’s house, I thought I would send it to you, as you are in the midst of that very thing right now--- and might need a laugh, too, right about now. – Deb
Wed, Aug 26, 2020 at 5:17 PM
With all of this on your shoulders, I have wanted to be supportive, and have been. Even just sending the 'smile' from one of my Facebook Groups, because I imagine that you have needed one, lately. But, reconnecting has meant that I have had to go way beyond my own comfort zone, with these (family) interactions, especially because of my providing my very personal information, including my actual address. This has left me enormously stressed, and jumpy, to the point that I find myself unable to relax and feel trusting, about it, on top of what I am trying to deal with already, as far as the pandemic, health issues of my own, landlord frustrations, politics with the crucial upcoming election, fast approaching, (I HATE TRUMP) etc. >sigh!<
It is a hard thing, for me, my whole life, that, for me to try to be compassionate, and helpful, toward others, has meant, more often than not, that I am forced to make the decision to 'go beyond' what feels safe, and less stressful, for me. I have often sacrificed for the good of the other person. When I have gone ahead, and done that, for others, despite the cost to my own personal safety, or peace of mind, I have been left with much regret, more often than not, for doing that, for them, due to the added stressors to my life, from that, that I have found to be extremely difficult for me, to process, and deal with. I am feeling alot of apprehension, right now, because of these 'family' contacts, between us. My anxiety level has become extremely high, because of it, too, when it has already been quite elevated, anyway, because of the pandemic, and politics, especially.
Even though I have several, holistic, approaches, to my trying to manage all that, because I am NOT a person that prefers living life medicated, in any way, any more than I can help, it is nevertheless a very oppressive feeling, for me, to be trying to deal with these things that almost feel overwhelming to my mind and heart! I am DOING MY VERY BEST, with all this, and am TRULY HOPING IT HELPS you to get this situation completed and behind you, as soon as possible, because it is ALOT ADDED ONTO YOU, that I am sure you don't need, or particularly want, in YOUR life, EITHER.
Thu, Aug 27, 2020 at 11:48 PM
Pam, Thank you for the info. I haven’t prayed, at all, about the estate amount to me. I have only prayed TWO things, regarding ALL this, so far: That God helps me to DEAL WITH THE HEARTACHE, and emotional conflict, I am experiencing, with the NO CONTACT/NEED CONTACT thing, that will go on awhile, now. And, I was VERY CONCERNED that YOU get home ASAP, and safely, because often hurricanes end up bringing a lot of rain and even wind to NC after they make landfall in the east and/or south, and I did not want you traveling in those conditions; especially as vehicles can be blown over on the highway and especially if your car would be around 18-wheelers--- they blow over easily; as do RVs. When you emailed me you were FINALLY HOME, I felt A GREAT SENSE OF RELIEF AND GRATITUDE TO GOD for THAT. I also SMILED when I read that, because there IS ‘NO PLACE LIKE HOME’, and you were finally THERE--- which you had REALLY been NEEDING and WANTING.
You have always been a person of great personal integrity, so I don’t doubt your character or intentions AT ALL. Just as it sounds like YOU are doing, I often will put others ahead of myself, in things; whether or not I--- or YOU--- NEED to, or even SHOULD.
As I read this more detailed email, from you, I could see much more about all that you are dealing with, with this--- which I ALREADY THOUGHT WAS A LOT, ANYWAY. I have NEVER DEALT WITH anybody’s Will, before, or any of this you are having to learn, and deal with, now.
For whatever it is worth, I am VERY PROUD OF YOU. You are juggling A LOT, and handling some very DIFFICULT things WELL, on TOP OF ALL THAT.
You are an AMAZING PERSON, Pam, and I am SO PROUD OF YOU! - Deb
Mon, Sep 14, 2020 at 2:49 AM
Hi Pam,
I didn't even think you took 'a long time to answer' me, at all! I realize that you are working, have a husband, home, and family, and are in the same pandemic I am in, plus you are trying to settle Mom's Estate. I was actually shocked that you got back to me as FAST as you did! You are kind of like SUPERWOMAN, to me, right now. I looked over the 7-page letter you received as guidelines, about being the Executor, and I was overwhelmed--- FOR YOU!!!--- as I looked at it. I was too tired, just LOOKING at it all, to even actually READ THROUGH IT, tonight. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU! GEEZ! It is OVERWHELMING. GOD BLESS YOU as you DEAL WITH THAT.
Tue, Dec 29, 2020 at 9:19 PM
My dearly beloved, precious Pam (and this is NOT said in SARCASM--- it merely REFLECTS HOW MUCH I DEEPLY LOVE YOU!), I realized after I sent that email, about notarized items, that it was somewhat unfair of me to state it like I did, as it spread some of MY stress, about Laura’s coming here and suffering her health conditions, in the cold, to YOU when you DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG to CAUSE that one straggler Notary item. I apologize for that coming across to you in that way--- as a criticism of you. I didn’t mean it to be, but I agree it likely sounded that way. I was really just expressing concern for Laura, but in doing that, I SEEMED to show LESS concern about YOU. Laura is my FRIEND, but YOU are my PRECIOUS PAM---- that I rather ‘adopted’ as my OWN special one, from the time you were born. (When the Lord finally Leads me to do the blog post about YOU, since you are the only family member I haven’t yet done the post on, that will have to be included. That YOU are the ONE I have ALWAYS LOVED THE MOST--- BY FAR!) I failed you by making it sound that LAURA was perhaps MORE IMPORTANT TO ME than YOU are, which is IN NO WAY TRUE. You are RIGHT TO ASSERT that this whole process, that got dumped on YOUR shoulders, to have to deal with, is something that you had NO PRIOR EXPERIENCE DOING. I have ALWAYS TOLD YOU HONESTLY that I am VERY PROUD OF YOU! But, NOT JUST FOR how you have dealt with all this--- with SUCH GRACE AND PERSEVERANCE!!!--- but BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON! I don't KNOW ANY PERSON that is a BETTER HUMAN BEING than YOU are! Please forgive me for seeming to say that you in ANY way CREATED A PROBLEM for me. The SITUATION has, only because Laura isn’t even supposed to COME and DO THIS notary stuff AWAY from the bank, she initially told me. So, I worry about getting her in trouble, etc. But, if she indicates she can’t/won’t come the second time, I can find another notary who can come to my apartment. It can still get done . . . .
REST ASSURED that I will not be ‘mad’ at YOU, or be critical of you IF another form needing NOTARIZATION DOES COME UP, with this or anything else in the future. I KNOW that you are ABSOLUTELY HANDING ALL THIS to the BEST OF YOUR ABILITY, and . . .
You have done a MUCH BETTER JOB with it all than I EVER COULD HAVE DONE. I can state that for a FACT!
I TRULY AM ENORMOUSLY PROUD OF YOU--- with NO reservations about that!
But, MORE than THAT, I think you are TERRIFIC!
And, I am SO BLESSED that YOU ARE ‘MY’ PRECIOUS PAM!
Love, Deb
P.S. WHATEVER COMES UP; whatever you need, regarding settling this Estate or ETC., due to it all, PLEASE KNOW that I DO ‘HAVE YOUR BACK’, and AM, and WILL BE, THERE FOR YOU!
With all of this on your shoulders, I have wanted to be supportive, and have been. Even just sending the 'smile' from one of my Facebook Groups, because I imagine that you have needed one, lately. But, reconnecting has meant that I have had to go way beyond my own comfort zone, with these (family) interactions, especially because of my providing my very personal information, including my actual address. This has left me enormously stressed, and jumpy, to the point that I find myself unable to relax and feel trusting, about it, on top of what I am trying to deal with already, as far as the pandemic, health issues of my own, landlord frustrations, politics with the crucial upcoming election, fast approaching, (I HATE TRUMP) etc. >sigh!<
It is a hard thing, for me, my whole life, that, for me to try to be compassionate, and helpful, toward others, has meant, more often than not, that I am forced to make the decision to 'go beyond' what feels safe, and less stressful, for me. I have often sacrificed for the good of the other person. When I have gone ahead, and done that, for others, despite the cost to my own personal safety, or peace of mind, I have been left with much regret, more often than not, for doing that, for them, due to the added stressors to my life, from that, that I have found to be extremely difficult for me, to process, and deal with. I am feeling alot of apprehension, right now, because of these 'family' contacts, between us. My anxiety level has become extremely high, because of it, too, when it has already been quite elevated, anyway, because of the pandemic, and politics, especially.
Even though I have several, holistic, approaches, to my trying to manage all that, because I am NOT a person that prefers living life medicated, in any way, any more than I can help, it is nevertheless a very oppressive feeling, for me, to be trying to deal with these things that almost feel overwhelming to my mind and heart! I am DOING MY VERY BEST, with all this, and am TRULY HOPING IT HELPS you to get this situation completed and behind you, as soon as possible, because it is ALOT ADDED ONTO YOU, that I am sure you don't need, or particularly want, in YOUR life, EITHER.
Thu, Aug 27, 2020 at 11:48 PM
Pam, Thank you for the info. I haven’t prayed, at all, about the estate amount to me. I have only prayed TWO things, regarding ALL this, so far: That God helps me to DEAL WITH THE HEARTACHE, and emotional conflict, I am experiencing, with the NO CONTACT/NEED CONTACT thing, that will go on awhile, now. And, I was VERY CONCERNED that YOU get home ASAP, and safely, because often hurricanes end up bringing a lot of rain and even wind to NC after they make landfall in the east and/or south, and I did not want you traveling in those conditions; especially as vehicles can be blown over on the highway and especially if your car would be around 18-wheelers--- they blow over easily; as do RVs. When you emailed me you were FINALLY HOME, I felt A GREAT SENSE OF RELIEF AND GRATITUDE TO GOD for THAT. I also SMILED when I read that, because there IS ‘NO PLACE LIKE HOME’, and you were finally THERE--- which you had REALLY been NEEDING and WANTING.
You have always been a person of great personal integrity, so I don’t doubt your character or intentions AT ALL. Just as it sounds like YOU are doing, I often will put others ahead of myself, in things; whether or not I--- or YOU--- NEED to, or even SHOULD.
As I read this more detailed email, from you, I could see much more about all that you are dealing with, with this--- which I ALREADY THOUGHT WAS A LOT, ANYWAY. I have NEVER DEALT WITH anybody’s Will, before, or any of this you are having to learn, and deal with, now.
For whatever it is worth, I am VERY PROUD OF YOU. You are juggling A LOT, and handling some very DIFFICULT things WELL, on TOP OF ALL THAT.
You are an AMAZING PERSON, Pam, and I am SO PROUD OF YOU! - Deb
Mon, Sep 14, 2020 at 2:49 AM
Hi Pam,
I didn't even think you took 'a long time to answer' me, at all! I realize that you are working, have a husband, home, and family, and are in the same pandemic I am in, plus you are trying to settle Mom's Estate. I was actually shocked that you got back to me as FAST as you did! You are kind of like SUPERWOMAN, to me, right now. I looked over the 7-page letter you received as guidelines, about being the Executor, and I was overwhelmed--- FOR YOU!!!--- as I looked at it. I was too tired, just LOOKING at it all, to even actually READ THROUGH IT, tonight. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU! GEEZ! It is OVERWHELMING. GOD BLESS YOU as you DEAL WITH THAT.
Tue, Dec 29, 2020 at 9:19 PM
My dearly beloved, precious Pam (and this is NOT said in SARCASM--- it merely REFLECTS HOW MUCH I DEEPLY LOVE YOU!), I realized after I sent that email, about notarized items, that it was somewhat unfair of me to state it like I did, as it spread some of MY stress, about Laura’s coming here and suffering her health conditions, in the cold, to YOU when you DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG to CAUSE that one straggler Notary item. I apologize for that coming across to you in that way--- as a criticism of you. I didn’t mean it to be, but I agree it likely sounded that way. I was really just expressing concern for Laura, but in doing that, I SEEMED to show LESS concern about YOU. Laura is my FRIEND, but YOU are my PRECIOUS PAM---- that I rather ‘adopted’ as my OWN special one, from the time you were born. (When the Lord finally Leads me to do the blog post about YOU, since you are the only family member I haven’t yet done the post on, that will have to be included. That YOU are the ONE I have ALWAYS LOVED THE MOST--- BY FAR!) I failed you by making it sound that LAURA was perhaps MORE IMPORTANT TO ME than YOU are, which is IN NO WAY TRUE. You are RIGHT TO ASSERT that this whole process, that got dumped on YOUR shoulders, to have to deal with, is something that you had NO PRIOR EXPERIENCE DOING. I have ALWAYS TOLD YOU HONESTLY that I am VERY PROUD OF YOU! But, NOT JUST FOR how you have dealt with all this--- with SUCH GRACE AND PERSEVERANCE!!!--- but BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON! I don't KNOW ANY PERSON that is a BETTER HUMAN BEING than YOU are! Please forgive me for seeming to say that you in ANY way CREATED A PROBLEM for me. The SITUATION has, only because Laura isn’t even supposed to COME and DO THIS notary stuff AWAY from the bank, she initially told me. So, I worry about getting her in trouble, etc. But, if she indicates she can’t/won’t come the second time, I can find another notary who can come to my apartment. It can still get done . . . .
REST ASSURED that I will not be ‘mad’ at YOU, or be critical of you IF another form needing NOTARIZATION DOES COME UP, with this or anything else in the future. I KNOW that you are ABSOLUTELY HANDING ALL THIS to the BEST OF YOUR ABILITY, and . . .
You have done a MUCH BETTER JOB with it all than I EVER COULD HAVE DONE. I can state that for a FACT!
I TRULY AM ENORMOUSLY PROUD OF YOU--- with NO reservations about that!
But, MORE than THAT, I think you are TERRIFIC!
And, I am SO BLESSED that YOU ARE ‘MY’ PRECIOUS PAM!
Love, Deb
P.S. WHATEVER COMES UP; whatever you need, regarding settling this Estate or ETC., due to it all, PLEASE KNOW that I DO ‘HAVE YOUR BACK’, and AM, and WILL BE, THERE FOR YOU!
Sun, Mar 14 at 3:08 PM
Do NOT feel pressured or obligated, in ANY way, to RESPOND, just because I email you, though.
I want you to be getting some MUCH NEEDED 'ME' time, especially after all that you have had on your shoulders these last many months (longer, really). I MUST have MY 'me' time, so I KNOW how VITAL it is, to living a happy, healthy, life.
Besides, I am ALWAYS thinking about you; so, if you tried to match that much energy, that I send your way, on a daily basis, you would almost have no time for anything else!
I hope you have a great week!
You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
I love you lots!
Deb
(This is another one of the cartoons I sent her with my email:)
When the sale of Mom's house was about to go through, and my sister, Pam, was really agonizing over, whether the buyer's offer was, as good, as we could get, or she should wait, and hope for a better one to come along, I knew that she was in need of someone-- who had something at stake, in all this, too-- to let her know, that she was doing her best, for all of us, and that this was all that could ever be expected of her with this situation. So, I texted some affirming words in a simple sentence, to her, which were just like those in the emails above; and she replied:
Thanks. I needed that right now. (Tuesday November 17, 2020 1:15 PM)
Now, I honestly had NO idea whether the actual sale price WAS the BEST that we could get for Mom's house, but I knew that Pam had done THE BEST SHE COULD, with it, and that HAD TO be GOOD ENOUGH, for all concerned, as NO ONE can do any MORE than THAT. So, I SUPPORTED HER, during this very trying time for her.
Even after, Mom's Estate was settled, and I had left Omaha, to move back to the Carolinas, on August 20, 2021, I texted this, to Pam, on August 26, 2021 (which was almost a week after seeing one another face-to-face, following a decade and a half of No Contact. She and her husband, my brother-in-law, had met me here, at my new home, to unload the truck, that I had rented, and driven from Omaha. It was also texted to her after she had pulled the first scene here around my new neighbors; totally unprovoked, and uncalled for! I had trusted that she had taken to heart my telling her-- on the day that she did that-- that I will not allow her to disrespect me, and clearly, I believed that it would not happen again. (But it did.)
I said, in MY text to HER:
You are an amazing person! I think that all the time. I seriously don't know how you do it- or when you sleep! I love you for who you are tho- not [for] what [you] do- but both aspects of you [are] impressive. . . . Love you lots! Deb
Now, part of the reason, that I worded it that way, was because, during the many months that Pam and I were, emailing, texting, and calling, back and forth, which was because, we were in one another's lives, again, due to Mom's Will and Estate, I was very honest with her, about the mental and emotional struggles which were causing me such stress, on my end. Still, I complied, with every request, that she made of me, dealt with all of the legal documents that I had to, which sometimes compromised my safety because of the Covid-19 pandemic, and my having to get some of those notarized, by other people, and all, of that-- an real act of courage, and care, on my part, since, what I NEEDED was to be No Contact with the family for MY sake. Yet, during ALL that time, and ALL those things, something that Pam did toward me, once, told me ALOT, about her mindset, in regard to relationships. It worried me, and made me sad. For her, and for me. While, no two people think exactly alike, I knew that this was something that was so foreign, to my mindset, as far as how I evaluate (the worth of) people, in my life, and interact with them, that it could derail our relationship. When it happened, it stopped me, cold. I also felt a bit manipulated or used. I had 'loved on' Pam by affirming her for WHO she WAS as a human being. BEFORE she had accomplished anything, and ASIDE from all that, AFTERWARD. I didn't praise or affirm HER for ACHIEVEMENTS or 'reward' her for those things. So, it REALLY STOOD OUT TO ME, when, the ONE time, that SHE told ME, I was "awesome", was RIGHT AFTER, I DocuSigned the FINAL legal papers, to COMPLETE the process of settling Mom's Estate. She also called me to simply chat, that evening, which, wasn't something she normally did, with me, or for me. When we did talk on the phone, it would be combined with her also doing something else at the same time, which I could usually hear over the phone. She IS a VERY busy person, with a FULL life. But, I also never felt that, our talks were something that she wanted to do; enough, to make THAT her priority, sometimes.
Focusing on one another, opening up to one another, being loved for who we ARE, instead of tolerated as long as we, kept quiet, didn't want a deep connection, and didn't interrupt the TV shows, that were always on and apparently a priority, over any of those 'close connections', have always been severely lacking, in our family, and something that I was STARVING FOR, as a little girl, growing up, in that type of family culture. I barely got ANY affirmation for ACHIEVEMENTS from my family members (which was the ONE fleeting 'crumb' Pam was giving me now), but way worse for ME, was NEVER feeling LOVED or AFFIRMED simply for being who I AM. I felt like a dog getting a quick pat on the head for fetching something my master wanted me to bring them. It was very disheartening, for me. Pam never gave me any such compliment, before, or after that, in my entire life. Which, is also why it stood out, so starkly, to me, when it did happen, that once, that day, and for that reason it was said. I wondered to myself whether she could find any real value, in knowing-- or loving-- me, for WHO I AM. The, toxic, family patterns made it seem doubtful and I felt apprehensive about my not returning to the protection of being No Contact, with these people. I had expressed the truth of my love for my sister, and she said that she loved me too (which I truly believe she does), so, I took the big risk of staying in contact with her, despite still being No Contact with everyone else; to this day. I have been a sucker, for the "Love Conquers All" ideology, and I should STOP that, once and for all, based on, the MANY times I've APPLIED THAT, to various types of relationships in my life, and it HASN'T WORKED OUT that way.
As stressful as this was, for me, I also knew, it really was now or never to try to have, a, healthy, relationship, with a family member and Pam was the best of the bunch. She was the only one that, I considered, risking, this, with. I've, had to have counseling, due to the damage done, to me, from these, toxic, family patterns and I was living my life in No Contact, with this family for very real reasons. I, am 65, now. There is less of my life left, now, as well as, less energy, to spare, for me to also have to spend more time recovering from this go-round with Pam, if it should not go well (which, I already saw some Red Flags for). It was a huge compliment to her-- this risk for ME-- and she had to know that I had not only love for her, but faith in her, due to my willingness, to deal with something so difficult, for me. It took ALL that I had!I will ALWAYS, opt to go, No Contact, if being treated badly is the only alternative!
These are excerpts from Vicki Peterson's article, that are specific to this problem, with Pam [the italics, are mine, to draw attention to things Pam is doing, to me]: "First and foremost, survivors of trauma need to get far away from anyone who creates stress and disharmony in their present environment. No other healing can take place until and unless the current environment is free from people who lie, cheat, manipulate, blame, rage or show poor impulse control. . . . It is extremely important for[trauma survivor]to not feel controlled or manipulated by anyone in her immediate environment. Child trauma survivors do not respond well to authoritarian, 'my way or the highway'. . . . Abusers are by definition controlling, manipulative people who twist facts around to suit them. Survivors of abuse need to be supported in reclaiming their own power." The last sentence sums up why, Pam's excessive need to control everything and everyone around her, is so bad for me! She is so, overbearingly, strong-willed! She is, very blessed, to be given the husband that she has, who is more-than-willing to, allow her, to tell him what to do. I have no idea if he's just a true saint-of-a-man or has been so pussy-whipped for so long that he GOES ALONG TO GET ALONG with her, JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE between the two of them. She did mention that one of her son's hasn't been speaking to them for awhile, and won't open up to them as to why. The first thing that I thought of when she told me that is that if he simply wants the autonomy, and atmosphere in his life, to think for himself and do as he thinks is best, in his life, then it's entirely possible that he has to avoid Pam to be ABLE (as in ALLOWED, by her incessantly domineering personality) to actually do that; at least, without impunity. You see, it isn't just that, Pam very-nearly-insists on CALLING ALL THE SHOTS, that she thinks she can get away with doing. She is EXTREMELY QUICK to BECOME PUNITIVE-- in a VERY HOSTILE way, which comes without warning as her temper explodes in your face and leaves you reeling from the rapidity, and shocked by the sting. She is quintessentially Scorpio, to be sure.
Her longsuffering spouse, who is too nice and forbearing toward her, to ever even call himself that, in regard to her, offers explanations, despite her horrendous and harmful outbursts, that are actually (unapologetic) excuses, for her; which left me marveling at whatever his motivation might be, to enable her to carry on this way toward himself and others; which unfortunately has included me. I see alot, that I don't say anything about (at least, at the time) and I watched her posturing to be seen as, always, being the loving, caring, nurturing, wife to him, and sister to me, which her actions would normally attest to, as well, due to that generosity, toward us. The trouble, with that is, that she also UNDOES HER OWN REPUTATION, in the moment after all that gracious-seeming generosity, when I voice my own thought, or opinion, preference, or (dare I say it?) need, and whatever it is doesn't happen to be 'Pam-approved', setting off, a resounding retaliation, that MAKES ITS MARK, and LEAVES ONE, too-- on MY SOUL! It is a sight to behold as she ups the ante in her behavior, in a 'no holds barred' display of temperament, that is clearly coming from a control freak who is determined to not allow a word, or a thought, that she is not okay with. Yes, indeed, SHE WILL MAKE SURE, that YOU ARE SO SO SORRY for EVER saying or doing ANYTHING that SHE is not HAPPY with. Avoid her wrath! It was pure 'SHOCK AND AWE', for ME, as I watched the one-woman-FIREWORKS display go off in MY NEW HOME, which is SUPPOSED to be MY SAFE SPACE, in life.
So what EXACTLY happened? I will share those details, now. This ISN'T a black or white situation. Pam, is a WONDERFUL WOMAN, in MANY WAYS-- very selfless, in the sense that, she is, almost always, 'doing for others'. Including me! She made my lifelong Heart's Desire-- to have a HOME OF MY OWN (and a brand new home too!)-- HAPPEN, FOR ME. Not only, through her diligence, in settling our mother's Estate, and making sure that I got what Mom's Will had allotted, for me, but, she contributed to the cost of the house, so that, between all that, and the thousands I had also saved, on my own, over time, I was able to pay cash and move in debt free. At 65, and living on a small, limited, income, I would likely never have been able to afford my dream-come-true, without, Pam's help and input. God bless her for that! I have begun to suspect, though, that her constant busyness might have some ties to her self-esteem issues that she battles as her own personal demons. If she is always thinking about others, and staying busy-busy-busy with that, she can avoid, thinking about herself, almost, entirely, But, introspection is necessary, to come to terms with oneself. To accept oneself. No one's perfect nor can be. But it seems that, for my sister, she somehow thinks that if she can, just keep a, tight enough, grip, on the people, and the situations, in her life, in order to control, the narrative, and the outcome, as she so wishes it to be, and desperately wants it to be, then she will be loved and adored by everyone for being so wonderful (which, SHE TRULY IS!), and she can protect-- not only, herself, but those of us that SHE DEEPLY AND FIERCELY LOVES (including ME). It feels like an emotional 'embrace' that chokes the life out of me, though. In that tight grip of hers on my soul, I am NOT FREE-- to BE ME!-- to say and do and think and act on WHAT I NEED TO, for ME. There is as much self-protection in her behavior, however, if not more, that is masked as concern or care for others. Nurturing others outwardly can actually be a sign of latent hostility if she cannot also allow the 'targets' of her care the grace to BE WHO THEY ARE, THINK FOR THEMSELVES, and EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONS! Pam tries to bend everyone around her to her will, that she thinks that she can. I, am a very independent person, who has lived alone, for decades, and apart, from the, pressure, or influence, of family. I am also intelligent, compassionate, caring, and not only prefer, but insist, that I live my life authentically. Thinking for myself and expressing myself as the-- unique-- individual-- that God, created me, to be!
The following, is from an article [https://soulsalt.com/how-to-be-your-authentic-self/] on living life authentically, which is very important to me. BEING who I AM.
Authenticity Means:
Speaking your opinions honestly in a healthy way
Making decisions that align with your values and beliefs
Pursuing your passions
Listening to the inner voice guiding you forward
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open-hearted
Setting boundaries and walking away from toxic situations"
Pursuing your passions
Listening to the inner voice guiding you forward
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open-hearted
Setting boundaries and walking away from toxic situations"
That means, expressing my own ideas, and feelings; which my sister seems to be very threatened by, since, she constantly strives to keep me under her control, by coercion, to stifle my FREEDOM to simply express myself, as who I am. It DENIES me a, basic, human right! I think that this is, a two-sided coin, with her. That Pam does this to completely enclose those that she loves with a fiercely protective love that is, also a tightly run prison where the loved one is denied access to their own freedom of speech or preferences and the ability to decide, or do, what feels right for them as who they are, and what they need. When someone, such as my sister, is, outwardly, supportive, and nurturing, but, that becomes a basis for their being, hostile, and controlling, it is a cruel relational Bait and Switch. That, duress, is not something that I want, need, or signed onto, when I gave her the big compliment of my not returning to No Contact with her so that the two of us could continue to be actively engaged in one another's lives, in a relationship, together, after Mom's Estate business was completed; when, it was no longer a necessity, requiring that.
For me, there was no way that it would ever work otherwise. I wasn't agreeing to engage in dysfunctional family patterns, again, when moving forward with Pam in our relationship, with one another. There IS NO 'middle ground'; only 'either', 'or'. It was, an ominous sign, of trouble brewing, when Pam began to try to cancel out and override my, honest, healthy, valid, expressions of who I am, her first visit to my new home on August 20th. I have learned, over the years, including, through getting counseling, that my relational instincts are both sound and quite accurate the large majority of the time; no one being perfect. So, I TRUST my reactions in interactions with others. That is an extremely important skill to have, for anyone. But for a former victim of domestic abuse which nearly killed me, it is also a very necessary, mental, emotional, and, physical, survival tool. It is, essential, for me, to advocate for myself, and to protect myself, from all forms of harm from others. A seemingly small Red Flag, can be perched atop an enormous relational iceberg! So, I stay diligently attuned to such things, in a protective posture; to proactively protect myself, from anything, from anyone, getting out of hand, toward me, and causing me harm. One thing the family also did to me was deny that, what I said, or felt, had any validity. Even more frustrating and painful if that is even possible, was their 'correcting me', both for expressing my emotion about something at all, and for the content of it. Admonishing me, for articulating my true feelings, while making it clear, that-- whatever, those (EVER!) were-- they were not 'acceptable'.
Yes, Pam had, generously, given me money, toward my new home. She had come to unload the truck, which, was a, very, difficult task, to be sure! She had brought groceries, and things, to make it a smooth start; THAT WAY. Things to show LOVE as she chooses to demonstrate that, which does not necessarily resonate with me in the same way, because, other, factors, can, greatly, affect, my perception, of it. For example, my family, has NEVER SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND that, ALL, of those THINGS, do not-- EVER!-- make up for the DAMAGE DONE when they TAKE AWAY my ability to, honestly, express my own thoughts, and emotions, in healthy ways; and, they withhold, offering me, any, affirmation or affection, or comfort. Instead, chastising, and silencing, me, by criticism, and harsh reactions, to minimal things. The usual chilly or over-the-top family reactions, are done precisely to squash my freedom to live authentically, because, for whatever reason, that is so threatening to them. This is a family that not only walks around the elephant in the room, but they do all they can to try to force me to navigate around an entire herd of them!
The person that Pam would need to get to know and be around, if she were going to be integrated into my actual life now, was who I was being. But it became clear very quickly that she was not accepting of me AS ME. THAT was NOT going to cut it. While, I was going out of my way, to be accommodating, I expected to be able to also express my own needs and wants, as well, in a respectful interaction. Pam did not give me that. She wasn't accepting me being ME. She was 'correcting' me to BE someone, something, OTHER THAN THAT, that SHE APPROVED OF. That was unfair, and unacceptable, to me. It was clear, to me, that the, only, reason, that it did not happen to fall apart within minutes of our coming together, after 15 years, was because I was benignly allowing Pam to take control, from the first moments, in order to make this big day, for me, of my finally owning my very own home, go as, smoothly, as possible (but, for HER. >sigh<). I was, going along, to get along. That became a big mistake though, because there was no place to turn around on this relational highway, and I found myself 'stuffing it' alot, of the time, to be sure that Pam felt comfortable; at my expense. This was MY new home. MY safe place. Only, it already didn't FEEL like EITHER, of those, precious, and necessary, things.
I had never been to this town before the night that I finally arrived here driving a 26' rented, diesel, moving truck, that I had to climb up, to get into; from Omaha, Nebraska, halfway across the United States, with, all, that I owned, in this world, inside it. While I was 'existing' in the apartment that I lived in for the last 4 years prior to coming here (which was written about in last month's blog post about my landlord there, and was a miserable place for me to be in physically, mentally and emotionally), I searched the internet-- the world wide web-- for, a better, answer, for these latter days of my life. Somewhere, happier, healthier, and more hopeful, for me. At 65 years old, I saw my strength, and stamina, were noticeably waning, now, and that I would therefore become less and less able to do such a major life change, the longer that I waited, if I were ever going to do this at all. Desperately needing a better, brighter, future, I brought my needs before God and cried out to Him for His Leading. I am pleased to say that, He brought me here; confirming it, again, and again, to this present day (which, has helped me, to know that, during the disappointments that have also been here, for me to have to deal with, which are inevitable, since nothing is ever perfect). God, is Who brought me here, using people, and circumstances, to accomplish His Will for me. More than my mother's Estate settlement from her Will and Pam's assistance, or anything or anyone else, this was GOD'S ANSWER for my heart cry, to Him. I pray it will be a safe, healing, place, for me, but it did get off to a very rocky start that I wasn't at all sure that I could deal with, including because of the genuine trauma that Pam inflicted on my soul. Some people (including her) try to bully me, because I choose to lead with a tender, loving, heart (in spite of the fact that, if unleashed, I have a TRULY SCARY TEMPER, when, I am PUSHED TO MY LIMIT, with peoples' pure BULLCRAP). I have been MISTAKEN for someone who is WEAK, or lacks INTELLIGENCE-- NEITHER, of which, is TRUE, ABOUT ME, AT ALL. I do my best to treat people with great grace, as I did with Linnea when I entrusted my beloved baby boy to her arms, to be his mother, going forward, to give him a better life (at my expense, since that price I
paid was SO HIGH FOR ME!). I gave Pam the great gift of grace from the moment we saw one another here, to my standing silently (like Jesus before Pilate) as she berated me, in an angry outburst, before simply storming out and taking any way for me to have my say, in the conversation, out the door, with her; before sniping at me with a text message, after that, which I also couldn't deal directly with in a two-way talk, furthering rendering me unable to have equal say in any exchange.
They say life is too short to hold grudges... I say life is too long to be letting people get away with the same shit... ~Unknown~
Pam had demonstrated over many months that were very stressful for her as she settled Mom's Estate, that, she was fully capable of behaving respectfully, toward me and, allowing, me, to have, as well as voice, my own emotions, and thoughts, about things. So, when she almost immediately started to NOT treat me that way now that I was back around family (her and her husband) again, I KNEW that she knew better than to do that, toward me; she was simply indulging her own selfish agenda, to GET, in control, BE, in control, and STAY, in control, of the situation, of our relationship, with one another. Stifling, MY having ANY say, in the matter, ALL, that she could. She had come into this reunion thoroughly assured and convinced of my deep love for her and how she responded, to the great gift of that, was that she, unabashedly, took every advantage of that, by BULLYING me, to comply with doing things HER way, or be sure, be VERY sure, that there WOULD be a PRICE to pay. I arrived here feeling more vulnerable, in many ways, all at once, than I had ever felt in my life. I had been worn down to the point that I despaired of life and was struggling, to have, any motivation, to go on, during the 4 years immediately preceding my arrival here. My only hope had been coming across this place on my computer-- which was an IMPOSSIBLE DREAM, for me, before God began to move in the situation, making it possible for me. It was the new home of my very own I had always wanted, since I was just a little girl. This, was, the desire of my heart!
I had found it online, researched it online, ordered it online, and moved to it sight unseen, on August 20th-- the same day Pam's presence, physically, reentered my life. I had delayed, leaving Omaha, by a couple more days, after the truck was all loaded up, for the long drive, because of pure physical and emotional exhaustion! There was highway construction all along the way, causing me to sit still on these highways, as if, they were parking lots, due to, how backed up, and slow-moving, the traffic was, because of all that. It was my first time reentering the world from my living secluded in total quarantine, in my apartment, as much as I could, as I tried to survive the, truly terrifying, Covid-19 pandemic. With my age, and health conditions, I am at much more risk of serious illness or death, if I should catch it. I felt like, I was risking my life, every time, I had to stop for gas for the truck, go to the bathroom, or get something more substantial to eat, than the snacks I had brought with me. I was determined to get here, to have a better life for myself. It was harrowing, for me, however. I slept, just, a few hours, in the truck, without a way to get comfortable doing that, because the passenger seat was filled with my houseplants, which wouldn't survive in August heat, in the back of the truck, from 9 AM, or so, on Thursday morning, to 10:30 PM, or so, on Friday night, which was when I finally got here. I had just come through all of THAT when I first saw Pam.
Since, I had never been to this place, in my entire life, I had Googled a list of the various highways, that I needed to get on, to find it, and got on the road, toward my future destination, that God was Leading me to. I did pretty well, all in all. I'd thought I had missed one road change, so I briefly doubled back, to realize that I hadn't; and once I had actually gotten all the way to this town, where I live, now, I had so much trouble seeing well in the dark of late night and due to my fatigue, that I came within just a few blocks of it, without realizing, how very close I was, to my new home, so I had turned around to go to a gas station I had just passed, parked, and called Pam's cell phone, to tell her I had finally arrived after so many different delays. She and Steve had left their home to meet me here, after I kept them posted, on where I was, along the way, each time I stopped to get gas, and such. Within a few minutes their car pulled up alongside the big truck I was in, in the darkness, and Pam and I set eyes on each other for the first time in 15 years. They led me to the place, and the drive was so narrow, that, coming in, the truck had nearly tipped over, onto its side (which was, VERY scary, with me INSIDE it!), when the tires went off the dirt drive into a ditch, which ran alongside the road. I was tired, and disoriented due to the newness of this place and the darkness, but this new chapter was about to unfold, for me, ready or not, so, weary as I was, I smiled, and did as I was told. Not only, was the man who was selling me the new house, meeting us there, that late at night, for me to sign all the paperwork, so I could get the key and move in, but from that very first moment, of the sale, Pam was thoughtfully and exuberantly having me pose for photographs holding up the sale document, and so forth. The man that sold me the house took pictures of us as well. Then, because I couldn't see well, at all, in the darkness, and had caused the truck to start tipping over on its side, when I drove into that ditch, beside the road, the man that met us drove the truck over to the house and parked it where it would be safe, and out of the way, of traffic. Had I not been, so very tired, with overloaded emotions, within me, for so many reasons, I would have done, at that moment, what I-- Deborah-- would have, just NATURALLY DONE, if left to myself.
As the man walked with us up to the front porch of the house, I would have been sure to do a walk-through-inspection with him while it was empty and easy to see all of it. I, actually, would have done that, if I had been by myself when I arrived, BEFORE I handed him the Cashier's Check paying in full for the house! I am used to living in apartments, and the FIRST thing, a landlord always does, when a new lease is signed, and the key is given, to the tenant, is hand the tenant a, Move-In Inspection Sheet, to go through the dwelling and carefully inspect it, making note of anything that, is damaged, or not in good condition. At the time, he seemed to look a bit surprised, after escorting us right over to it and I didn't ask that of him. I realized that, later-- like, THE NEXT DAY. But, at the time, Pam had been telling me, as soon, as we got to the porch, with this man, with us, to, 'Stand in FRONT!' 'Now, STEP INSIDE, so you're the FIRST ONE!', etc. I was so TIRED, and she was so happy FOR ME, that I just went with it; whereas, if I were, on my own, then, I would never have let that man, that sold me the house, get the money first thing or get away before we had walked through the house, together, and assessed the condition of the dwelling. That would prove to be a big mistake-- not doing it that way-- when, I went to the bathroom, that first night, closing the door, because of my brother-in-law being here, and saw MOLD, along the bottom, of the bathroom door-- of my BRAND NEW HOUSE that I had JUST PAID FOR IN FULL and OWNED now. >Sigh!< I have lived here for 8 1/2 weeks, now, and I STILL cannot, finish, unpacking, or settling in, because of that issue not being, fully, remedied, yet. He had said, there is a warranty, with this house, but, the people sent, to honor that, did the bare minimum, at best, and now I have to come up with $1,700.00 of my own money for contractors I finally hired to do a much more thorough job with it, after I had life-threatening respiratory issues, living here; which risks, voiding the (apparently, fairly useless) warranty, as well. I don't want to get sidetracked, with all that, here, in this blog post, which is about my sister, Pam. However, had I not been focusing on, following all her directives, for how I came into this, on the day that I arrived, I most likely would have automatically defaulted to my much more serious and careful way of moving into a new place-- proactively getting on top of any issues, from the very start. I feel like I would have had a better outcome, if I had done that, when I moved in here. I also KNOW that Pam ONLY did that out of HER DEEP LOVE FOR ME, and I am deeply honored and touched, by that. God will take care of the rest, of this. Since He DID Lead me to move here, it will work out with this house and its issues; somehow; sometime. I have absolute faith in GOD!
Pam, Steve, and I, ate some very late supper, while sitting on the floor of the new house, and we went to bed, also on the floor. I had thought for sure that Pam told me, they were coming up 'for the weekend', which, I believed to be Saturday, and part of Sunday, before they headed back home. But Saturday morning, before we began dealing with the contents of the truck, which, took, the greater part, of the day, Pam told me that they were going back home that evening. That meant that, we didn't ever have a chance to really visit, with one another, because we were in different places, most of the time, after Pam told me to begin putting things away while they brought in my belongings, from the truck. (I KNEW, what a 'challenge', that truck was going to be, since, I had to PACK ALL OF THAT UP, myself, and had dealt with it, getting loaded up, in Omaha, by a moving crew, that I had hired. I'd told Pam that, I really thought, I should also hire a moving crew, on this end, too, to unload it all, but, she wouldn't hear of it; so, we didn't. As she and Steve came and went with loads from the truck-- a, TRULY, Herculean task, in the August heat and humidity, I struggled to get things put away as quickly as I could, to get them out of the way, for more, coming in. However, there was two, of them, and one, of me. So, by the time they got the truck emptied, they wanted to take me to turn it back in, to the company that I rented it from, right then, so they could go home. I did not feel comfortable, leaving the remaining boxes, out on the porch, though. I felt rushed; but, had been accommodating their changes in plans, though, as best I could. Until this moment. I was not upset; I was concerned, so, I voiced that, to Pam. I said, to her, in a, very, quiet, conversational, way, that I just did not feel it was a good idea, to leave these things, out on the porch. I knew there was such a thing as 'Porch Pirates', in general, and I'd learned from the website for this place, that, strangers often drove through this development, just to see what it might be like, who did not live here. As, I stood my ground, on, this ONE decision, that was made by ME, since, Pam, had arrived, and joined me, here, I opened each box, as quickly, as I could, to see what was in them, and most of them were irreplaceable things, that meant alot, to me, that I wasn't willing to put at risk of getting stolen, or harmed, in some way, by being left outside, as we drove off to return the truck.
For MY own sense of safety and security, I NEEDED to put those boxes INSIDE the house, before we left, to do that. They, were the ones, that had let me know, out-of-the-blue, that they were only staying the one day, not two, and I accepted that they needed to do what was best for them. My response to it had basically been a very loving statement of disappointment at this unexpected news, of, "Oh! I won't get to spend much time with you, then, since we'll be busy unloading the truck all day, and then you will be gone!" THEIR, change in plans, was the reason, we were all, so rushed, and tired, now. I had RESPECTED, and DONE MY BEST to adjust to, their needs, ever since they got here. Everything they suggested, directed, asked.
Now, I asked for this ONE thing, which was to get these last boxes INSIDE, of the house, before driving off, out of the area (which was A BRAND NEW TOWN to me) and Pam's immediate, reaction, and response, was to put her hands on one of the boxes, and with a SHOVING motion of it, toward me, and her eyes flashing with a very sudden, and intense, anger, at me, she raised her voice, at me, sharply, and said, very forcefully, "FINE! BUT, I WON'T HELP YOU!" and she walked off, to wait for me to finish doing that. The rest of that 'visit', if you could even call it that, as we went to turn the truck back in to the dealer, leaving it in the lot because it was after business hours, and, they drove me back, to the house, before leaving town, Steve interacted with me, but Pam pouted. She had little to nothing to say to me, as a show of (and a punishment for) her displeasure, with me, for taking the time to meet a NEED THAT I HAD, after jumping through ALL THE OTHER HOOPS she'd DIRECTED ME TO DO since she had arrived. I LOVED her. I was TRULY GRATEFUL, for all their help. I had told them, these things. (I also gave them some things, to take with them, to keep, or give away, both times, they were here. Not junk; nice things. So, it wasn't just a one-way street, with them doing all the giving to me. I was very generous, with what I had, to offer them, as well.) But, all that does not excuse how Pam was treating me now. After pulling that at the house-- where my new neighbors hadn't even MET me yet, and ALREADY, they might WONDER, what I was bringing, to their neighborhood-- my sister pulled a bigger scene, too, as we stopped at the dumpster on the way out to throw some trash away that was in the rental truck. Sound, REALLY CARRIES, CLEARLY, and FAR, in this, often-very-quiet area. The only sound, when Pam was doing this, was HER, DOING THIS. This was selfish of her to put my reputation, as a brand new member of this community, at risk, because of people hearing her, making a scene, and connecting her with me.
She had gotten madder, at me, when, she pulled the scene, about not helping me get the boxes inside, and, because we were obviously making my first MEMORIES in my NEW HOME, I had looked at her, so sadly, when she'd defiantly shoved that box toward me and said she wouldn't help me, and said, as a reality check to her, "I will always remember, your doing this, to me, now." It was not, a statement of, my intending to hold onto a grudge, of any kind, about her bad behavior, that was breaking my heart, right now. It was simply a fact. The truth. ANY memories we'd made together, of ANY kind, would, naturally, ALWAYS STAY WITH ME, because of the SIGNIFICANCE of this day. Being around family, again, which was SUCH a BIG risk, for ME, and-- SURE ENOUGH-- was ALREADY NOT GOING WELL. Moving into a BRAND NEW HOME-- of my very own!-- after WANTING THAT, for my whole life, and not having ANY way to EVER have that; until GOD, began to make it possible; even through Pam. My statement, was simply, the recognition, that, how, she was treating me, would, certainly, now, always, be, woven into the memories, of these first HOURS in MY NEW HOME. Instead of sharing that sadness, with me, about it, Pam had only gotten even angrier-- at ME-- for stating, this OBVIOUS TRUTH (my family has NEVER been fans of the TRUTH, but spend alot of, time, and energy, to circumvent it, deny it, manipulate it, and as Pam was doing now, RAGE against it).
When we went over by the dumpster, she had raised her voice at me again, in the otherwise quiet evening, furious with me for saying that I would always remember these moments with her. I felt so much love for her, even then, but I also couldn't ALLOW her to even THINK that THIS IS OKAY, to TREAT ME THIS WAY. I said, in a hushed tone, "Pam! THIS is my new HOME, and SOUND REALLY CARRIES A LONG WAY HERE! DO NOT DISRESPECT ME! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!" Then, she made an excuse to 'go help her husband' (who I had observed her basically bossing around while they were here-- and him seeming to act very used to that), and she walked off from me, as I said, to her, with a suddenly full awareness that THIS is going to be how she THINKS that she can TREAT ME, "THIS conversation, is NOT finished!" She said little, to me, after that, when I had to ride back to my house in their car. Steve's phone rang, and he seemed very uncertain, as if he did not know what to do, about that, until Pam, said, to him, very curtly, "Just ANSWER it!", and he did. While, he was on that call, I said something to Pam, from where I sat, in the back seat directly behind her, about something that I just saw as I was seeing this new town, that I had just moved to, for the very first time. Her RESPONSE, as she sat right beside Steve, who was driving, was louder than the one sentence statement that, I made; which was, a, strict-sounding, admonishment-intended, "SHHHH!"
There was no love in that. It was harsh, and haughty. It seems to me that, Pam's, self-esteem, issues, cause her, to be, more than willing, to demean someone, that she is, in some way, jealous, or resentful, of; which, for whatever reason, appears to be ME. I was not some 3-year-old child strapped into a carrier, in the back seat, of this car; and it was a very disrespectful affront, to my dignity, and worth, to be, HISSED AT, in that way, by her, as if she were, some type of, venomous, reptile. I am also, very well aware, that she would never have tolerated my doing it to her!
I didn't contemplate going back to 'No Contact', after that first visit, from them. I DID, however, EXPECT, Pam, to have TAKEN TO HEART, my TELLING HER-- in, NO UNCERTAIN TERMS-- calmly, and clearly, that, I would NOT ALLOW HER to TREAT ME this way. She will be, a SIXTY-YEAR-OLD, SENIOR CITIZEN, in a MONTH, from now; so I am certain that this is a concept that she SHOULD be ABLE to GRASP. I was TRULY FLOORED then, when they came back for their second visit-- on 9/11, appropriately enough-- and, she behaved EVEN WORSE, than she had, the FIRST time, they were here! It LITERALLY, left me, SPEECHLESS-- although, THAT didn't even MATTER, since, when, she BLEW UP AT ME-- YET AGAIN!-- she ALSO walked out-- in a HUFF, AGAIN-- making, ANY response, from me, IMPOSSIBLE TO DO at the time (which, as I was now learning, was apparently her standard pattern that she employed as a, very effective, part of her tactics, that were meant to, control me; which, she seemed-- desperately-- intent, on achieving, with me). I realized, that I was dealing with a CHILD throwing TANTRUMS, instead of a rational, ADULT human being! I am STILL SHAKING MY HEAD, at what, she was, so willing, to put me through; knowing FULL WELL, that, I spent YEARS, going No Contact with this family BECAUSE OF SUCH BULLSHIT as THIS, that SHE was doing to me now (but ONLY after I had LEFT Omaha, and become more VULNERABLE to it, again, by my MOVING close enough, to be in physical STRIKING DISTANCE, of this dysfunction.
When they came for their first visit, a woman, who lives a couple of houses away from me, had told Pam and Steve, that they could park the moving truck over at the driveway of the house, which was not where the man who sold me the house had thought was best, to park it, when, he had that, as one, of the options. They explained to her that it was fine where it was, and they kept unloading the truck. I was, inside the house, unpacking, and minding my own business. When, I went out on the porch, for a few minutes, though, at one point, this same woman, saw me, and she told me the same thing (and Pam told me they had already had this conversation, with her, and assured her they were fine unloading it from where it was-- which, again, was where the owner, of this development, had thought best to park it, for reasons that he would know best; due to a better understanding of the needs of traffic, through here, and other considerations that likely played into his decision, for that). So, now I also responded to her that it was okay as it was. But, she-- right away-- repeated it to me, a second time! To which, I answered a second time, that we were fine with where it was. When, she THEN said it, to ME, AGAIN, I said to her, more loudly and emphatically, with an actual explanation as I sought to satisfy her nosey intrusion into my business (which was none of hers) in order to stop this cycle of her saying this repeatedly, by telling her that IT WAS PARKED THERE, BY THE OWNER OF THIS DEVELOPMENT, and HE, had felt, it was BEST to PARK IT THERE; AND that HE had done so after I had nearly TIPPED THE TRUCK OVER, into a DITCH, with me IN it, just the night before, and did NOT feel comfortable, therefore, MOVING IT from WHERE IT WAS, for THAT REASON, also.
With her, still, staring at me, with an unhappy look on her face, because, I wasn't doing what she KEPT SUGGESTING TO US, I turned and walked back inside, to do what I needed to be doing, on this day that I was moving into a brand new home. This woman had, already, told Pam and Steve this, and they had politely declined. Then, she had told ME, SEVERAL more times, and I had declined; each time, a bit more emphatically, in order to get her to JUST DROP IT ALREADY. Telling us once, was offering a possibly helpful suggestion. Telling us twice, might have been to be sure we understood, what she was saying to us; as clarification. Beyond that, this was an attempt, by this woman, to interject her CONTROL, into the situation, and it had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER! The truck was on the other side, of my house, from the side that her house was on (diagonally down the street from mine), so it wasn't like it was blocking her driveway, or doing anything, in any way, to HER, or HER HOUSE, that she should be THIS CONCERNED ABOUT IT. Yet, as annoying as she was being, about this, it, of course, turned out, to be, just a foretaste, of her, constantly trying to interject herself into my personal business and even boss me around! Actually, telling me, what I could and couldn't do, when what I was doing was fine, and had, nothing at all, to do with her. She made my first week here, so miserable, that I cried, and actually asked God if I made a MISTAKE moving here. I had sensed that she was a problem person, from her browbeating me about the truck not being parked where, SHE THOUGHT, it SHOULD BE, and I turned out to be RIGHT ABOUT HER. I WASN'T IN HER BUSINESS. SHE, WAS IN MINE. I wasn't the one, being a PROBLEM; SHE was! HOWEVER, true to, the, family, dynamic, of scapegoating ME, no matter WHO, is ACTUALLY in the wrong, when I was back in the house, out of her hearing distance, just after that, and Pam was also in there, right beside me, I muttered under my breath, with, what was, an understandable annoyance, at that point, about this, controlling, woman, down the street, getting in my business and hounding me with her REPEATED 'suggestion', "I only told her THREE times!", to which Pam immediately admonished me, "Now, YOU don't want to start out on the WRONG FOOT, here, Deborah." I did not say anything, to Pam, when she said that, but it was NOT supportive of me or showing understanding of why that was annoying to me. My family has always done that to me to invalidate my thoughts and feelings about things. No consolation, or affirmation. CRITICISM. I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS. That woman WAS NOT. I wasn't the one that was OUT OF LINE, in the situation. The woman was. My reaction to it was normal.
When Pam and Steve came for their second, and last, visit, on September 11th, I did what any normal person would do when talking to a close family member or a loved one; which doesn't work with my family, but I tried, anyway, because it is a part of any close, and honest, relationship, and we would need to establish that if we were going to survive, and thrive, with this experiment of me being out of the protection, of No Contact, with them. I have NO desire, to participate in, toxic, or dysfunctional, relationships. With ANYONE. I WON'T DO IT. That has already, cost me, WAY TOO MUCH, in my life; and I'm TOO TIRED, now, to engage in that crap. My 'sin', that set Pam off, AGAIN, and even WORSE, than the FIRST visit, was my sharing with her how things had been going for me since I moved here. It was an honest account, of the joys and frustrations, that I was experiencing, and I spoke of that same neighbor woman, interjecting herself into my business so much that I had cried, due to thinking that, I would be unable to have any peace, or privacy, or, freedom of movement, to do, and come, and go, as I pleased, and needed, as a grown, 65-year-old, woman, who just bought her first home; to be able to have all those things be a part of living my life, as I always hoped and dreamed I could.
I had even picked up a stack of sticks-- fallen tree limbs-- from the lot, to clean it up, and was taking them to the dumpster, myself, when, this woman, had literally stood there, scolding me-- and in front of other residents; one of which called it a 'standoff'. She had a problem, with, my 'making work for the staff', by my picking up the limbs from the ground; saying, there was a 'special place' to put them that I couldn't go to, et cetera. She browbeat me about it, until I left them lying where SHE TOLD ME TO, by my driveway, just to GET AWAY FROM HER. A half hour later, the property manager happened to be going by, and I was out on my porch. I told him that I had picked that stack of limbs up and that I wanted to take them to the dumpster; asking his permission for me to finish that chore, that I had started, on my lot. He said, without hesitation, or problem with it, that I, absolutely, could do that. SO I DID. The woman, that neighbor, had gone to the, owner's, office, in the meantime, though, and, scolded me, AGAIN, when, she got back, from there, and saw that, I was, in fact, dragging those limbs over to the dumpster. As, I spoke of, my annoyance, about this nosey, intrusive, bossy, 70-year-old neighbor woman, I got no understanding or consolation or any such thing, from Pam, such as a good friend would give, in this kind of, honest, description of how life was going for me, in this new place. Pam simply looked annoyed, that I even wanted to tell her this.
Being used to sharing, life stories, and sympathy, with friends, of mine, as we are supporting one another, in our trials and tribulations, this was disappointing to me enough; that Pam offered me none of that comfort and consolation, for this stress I was going through with all these, major life changes, and adjustments, plus, the nosey neighbor, as 'the cherry on top' of all of that. As I said, my family has made me the Scapegoat, in our family, and made me the villain, the problem, the one to blame, even for things that, I was nowhere around, to have anything to do with. I began to talk about this, with Pam, as Steve sat there listening. I described how I needed to not always be the 'Go To' person to blame, for any situation, and I also asserted that I was not the one in the wrong, but the neighbor, clearly, was being a problem FOR ME, while I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS. I explained this, to Pam-- what I WASN'T getting, from her, that I NEEDED, in our relationship-- after her reaction to what I was sharing with her (which was very vulnerable for me, to start with) was to say to me, 'Wasn't it nice of this neighbor woman, that she had admitted she was doing this, to you, one day?', although it didn't CHANGE IT, and she CONTINUED, to DO it to me; making me feel like I was living under her nose, as she watched my every move, and felt, far too free, to interject her critique into ANY, and ALL, of it. It was daunting, to me, to hear Pam, give, the ONLY, positive, comment-- the only CREDIT, that, she gave, to anyone, between the TWO of us-- to this NOSEY NEIGHBOR for confessing to me that, she was apparently unable to control her impulse, to get in MY business, and STAY there! I got NO credit, at all, from Pam, for my managing to not tell this woman off, or tell her where she could STICK her NOSE, BESIDES in MY BUSINESS! If my friends treated me this way, or me, them, I guarantee we would not be friends anymore. People need the support and understanding, from friends, and family! If not, from THERE, then, WHERE?!?
Everything I was saying to Pam was in a calm-but-firm conversational tone but as I criticized the, bossy, neighbor, to my sister, and she defended the neighbor (who was not even THERE, to WANT, or NEED, that from her, LIKE I WAS), it struck me, that-- of course, Pam, would feel an affinity for this, extremely controlling, woman who was desperately trying to micromanage me and my life, and openly criticizing my actions; even when, there was NOTHING wrong with them; because SHE WAS THE SAME WAY TOWARD ME! As soon, as I used, my training, from my counseling sessions, over the years, to stand up for myself, and describe what I needed from her, that I was not getting (which was, to acknowledge, or accept, the worth, and validity, of my own thoughts and emotions about things, especially in my own life) and pointed out (shedding light, directly on) the dysfunctional family pattern, that she was still, operating in, with me, Pam blew up, at me, and told me off, and left. I had given her great grace-- lots of it!-- and I was asking her for that same grace toward me. Being an extremely controlling person, herself, though, her sympathy, lay with, the, very difficult, neighbor, and Pam went off on me, just after I pointed out that this neighbor woman had an extreme issue with CONTROL. It had clearly, HIT A NERVE with my sister, that I was UNHAPPY WITH and COMPLAINING ABOUT the very thing, that, she KNOWS, in her heart, She ALSO, has a real problem with.
With this youngest sister of mine, I had CLEARLY STATED that, I would NOT allow HER to TREAT ME THIS WAY. I WAS ON THE RECORD, with her, about it, from the start. So, the line had been drawn in the sand, and she had time to think back on her bad behavior, and decide what was most important to her-- the bullying me or the relationship with me-- because she was NOT going to be able to have BOTH of those things, in a relationship with me. When she stood up, crying, and telling me off, when I had calmly and conversationally stood up for myself, and asked her for what I needed that I wasn't getting from her, it truly traumatized me, and left me wondering if she was actually a narcissist! I don't think so, but the reason that I'd wondered was because of a narcissistic trait that causes them to blame the victim for actions, and behaviors, that THEY are actually perpetrating, ON THEIR VICTIM. Pam, did this, to me, that day of their second visit to my home. That so disturbed me, that, because of, all the bad memories-- emotionally, and mentally, ABUSIVE, memories-- that, she had, already, inflicted on my SOUL, here, in MY NEW HOME, (that is, SUPPOSED to be, my SAFE place; my HAPPY place in this world) I began, to think about, SELLING my new house, and just MOVING BACK to OMAHA. I was upset, for WEEKS, after Pam pulled this crap, on me. I wasn't smiling. As I looked around the house, flashbacks, of her bad behaviors, were causing me anxiety and agitation. My peace was gone. She'd ruined my, very first, memories of this place.
I had TRUSTED her with my new home, enough to allow her into it to share WITH
ME. I felt so VIOLATED, by her mistreatment of me. It was only about a week ago that I began to smile again, here, and come out of my protective shell, I withdrew into, because of being traumatized, by the bad memories, I have of Pam, that are in every room, in my new little house. I realize now, that I HAVE to go No Contact with her, again. It isn't that I WANT to. I HAVE TO. She was given a very valuable chance, for a real relationship, with me, but it needed to be, HEALTHY, and HAPPY for ME, too-- not just, HER GETTING HER WAY, and me 'stuffing it'; not allowed to speak my own mind, or express my true feelings, without her SNIPING AT ME in a BITCHFEST and then LEAVING to DENY ME the OPPORTUNITY to RESPOND or talk it through, with her, to reach a mutually satisfactory conclusion, about the path to go forward, together. She VERY CLEARLY SHOWED ME, what HER preferences and priorities are, and they have nothing to do with, making me feel affirmed, safe, or heard, in a relationship, with her. My family members always 'love bomb' me, with 'stuff', like the groceries, that she and Steve bought me, for here. My family gives me everything but WHAT I NEED THE MOST, from them, which is, acceptance, and affirmation, of WHO I AM, as ME! I can get, MY OWN GROCERIES! I had them, all, delivered, in Omaha, and I am doing that, again, here, now. Proverbs 17:1, says,
"Better is a morsel with pleasure in peace, than a house full of many good things and unjust sacrifices, with strife." (Brenton Septuagint Translation) It is SO TRUE!After Pam made a scene, and was accusing me of, and blaming me for, everything that, SHE was ACTUALLY DOING, TO ME-- by projecting, to deflect, accountability, from herself, and to, try, to put me on the defensive, to shut me down, so I would comply, with her (bullying)-- she, sent me, a text message, from her phone. (It is included in this post. I copy & pasted it below, just as she wrote it.) All of this that she was doing, sent a VERY CLEAR MESSAGE, to me, that it was CONTROL, of me, that she wanted, not RELATIONSHIP, WITH ME. She made sure that, after she had her say-- in a, very overbearing, and intense, way, each time, this happened, with her (which was ALOT, for TWO SHORT visits)-- she would remove herself from my presence, denying me, the chance, to respond, and get the facts on record; which told me, all, that I needed to know, about her willingness, or desire, to make, and maintain, a healthy relationship with me. Clearly, she did not want that. What she wanted, was what SHE wanted; especially, at my expense. And, MOSTLY, that was CONTROL. TOTAL. CONTROL. OF ME. OR ELSE! Or else she PUNISHED me. Or else she TRAUMATIZED me. Or else she made a scene, both, inside my new home, and outside, in earshot, of my new neighbors, to traumatize and, try to, intimidate me. Or else she blamed me for the exact things that she was doing, to me. Or else she would sulk and pout. Pam tries her hardest to 'rule and reign', in her relationships, with the, calculating, mindset of a strict disciplinarian who doles out either reward or punishment, to teach people, to comply, with her wishes-- through, the double-edged sword, that, she wields, of the, 'treats', or 'threats', they receive, based on, whether, or not, she is being given, her way, by them. I'd rather, just, do without! The treats, the threats, the dysfunction, the distress, the relationship, WITH HER. I do not have any desire to put up with someone, treating me like, I'm ungrateful, simply because they chose to offer help or assistance, but I don't let them control me because of it, either. Guys tend to have that same mentality when they date a woman, which is why I don't date. I know that, after they've taken me to dinner a couple of times, and bought me flowers or candy, that they begin acting like-- and even telling me outright!-- that I 'owe' them my compliance with their wishes now because they did those things FOR ME. They, really, did them FOR THEMSELVES! I don't sell my soul, to anyone, for anything, at any time. It pisses some people off.
One of the things, Pam wailed about, when she started telling me off, was that, I had said, in a conversation we had when I was still living in Omaha, that she had a 'Pollyana'****-like way of characterizing things which was not something that I do. For myself, I prefer to be, realistic, and honest, about things; seeing them as they are. Not as I wish them to be, or through 'rose-colored glasses'. Seeing and accepting that there is, usually, both, good, and bad, involved, in situations. I am as affected, by my astrological sign, as Pam. I'm an Aquarius. We're independent and don't like being bossed around (which is Pam's strongest inclination = oil and water, with that difference), I need to express my individuality; and don't want to be in relationships with people who can't, or won't, allow me to be me, and might criticize me for just, being myself; or try to change my method of self-expression. Pam, did, those things, to me. Which, left me, frustrated, unhappy, and, stressed! If someone, can't accept you, for who you are, and are always trying to cancel, or correct, you, for being yourself, then it stands to reason, that they can't love YOU.
[From What Is Toxic Positivity? (verywellmind.com) :] "WHY IT'S HARMFUL- Toxic positivity can actually harm people who are going through difficult times. Rather than being able to share genuine human emotions and gain unconditional support people find their feelings dismissed, ignored, or outright invalidated." This is what Pam did to me, and this is how it made me feel. It was alienating, and not helpful. "It's shaming: When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid, but that they can find relief and love in their friends and family. Toxic positivity tells people that the emotions they are feeling are unacceptable."
[Below is the text message that Pam sent me, when she was here, for the second, and last, visit, on 9/11. She sent it, from, somewhere, outside, of my home, here, because, she did not come back to the house, to, allow, me to confront her, about her bad behavior, or mistreatment, of me, after, she pulled that, excessive, scene, and then, stalked out. My notes, about, what was, actually, going on, behind, the scenes, are included, below, as well; within the text. Those are in these brackets.]
"9/11/2021 4:27 PM Steve is on his way to take you to Walgreens. [Both Pam and Steve had gone, bike riding, together, after, Pam had told me off, in hysterics, and walked out, but I stayed behind in the house, because she had traumatized me so deeply, doing that to me, that I was too upset to even pretend to enjoy a bike ride in my new town with a volatile sister that snipes at me and then withdraws before I have any chance to respond, and a brother-in-law who then tells me that I have to HEAR THE WORDS, that SHE DOESN'T SAY, and IGNORE THE WORDS that SHE DOES SAY! Also, I was going to, get my second Pfizer shot, while, they were here, for emotional support, because, I'm so phobic about needles; but once Pam upset me so much, I was not in any shape to, also, try to deal with that injection too, so I didn't go that day, and still have not gotten that 2nd vaccine, as of now.] I won't be coming. I am really hurt and need time to sit before the Lord with all the hurts. I can't control the filters you take things through, and it hurts to be accused of things of the heart that was not the meaning behind what I said. I feel damned if I speak and damned if I don't which doesn't leave me any space to just be me. I feel like you want grace from me but there is none towards me. [These things she is listing as, what I did to HER, is ACTUALLY the EXACT things that SHE was doing to ME! Seeing her, flip that, around, on me, this way, in her text message, is what made ME wonder if she is a narcissist, because, that is a classic narcissistic tactic. I could make this post, EASILY, TWICE AS LONG, by giving many, clear, examples of what she is describing here being in truth what she was doing to me. I am also the one that stayed, in the conversations, to try, to work through them, together, and it is her that walked away every time, to deny me the chance to have my say or, to try, to reach some, FAIR, middle-ground, between us, where, I'm not afraid to say anything in my own home, like she caused me to constantly feel with her.]
Thank you for all the work you have done to get the upstairs ready for us, but we won't be staying tonight. I need space. I have taken so many hurts to the Lord over things you have said these past months because I didn't think you meant them to be hurtful, so I take them to the Lord. But the pile is big right now and will take time. We get too many eggs, we bent a cord, i don't stay long enough, i say too much, not enough, i don't respond to texts, i don't help enough, I didn't come during the week to help with DMV...I love you, but I am not where I can try to figure out your filters and what I can and can't say or do or not do. I think it is unfair to look to my words and actions ,today to heal past hurts from others." [I was speaking to her about, her, behaviors, toward me, in the conversation, we were having that day, while pointing out to her, that it was the same, toxic family pattern, I had to deal with my whole life, and that I would not allow it to happen.]
Clearly she was extremely busy focusing on any negativities she could find with a microscope, about me, while, apparently, thinking that, MY leaving the protection of 'No Contact', for HER, was a simple, painless, thing for ME to DO! GEEZ! I will, say, that, TRUTH, is VERY IMPORTANT, to ME, and it seems to, TERRIFY her. So, I can see why what I say is so threatening to, or difficult for, her, and why she goes to such great lengths to stifle and/or silence my communications, with her-- since I AM SO HONEST. She liked my honesty, when, I was saying, she was AWESOME, but, she DIDN'T like my honesty, when I asked if they could bring some electrical tape with them, so I could mend my TV cord, after they left something sharp, and heavy, sitting on that cord, and dented, but not severed it, that way. (I wanted to put a covering over that wound on the cord, so that it wouldn't break through and become an electrical or fire hazard.) This is how FAR Pam would REACH to BLAME and DISCREDIT ME: the EGGS, she mentioned, in the text, refers to Steve buying me a carton of 18 eggs, the day I moved in, along with some other groceries they graciously gave me. Because they were really just getting to know me they didn't know that I don't eat eggs as eggs-- like for breakfast. I only use eggs to bake or make waffles or pancakes, etc. With me so busy, moving in, and getting settled, I had NO TIME, OR INCLINATION, to bake, though, so ALL 18 eggs were still sitting unused in the fridge. I am someone who hates to waste food, if at all possible, so I felt sad, about that. Anyway, when they were preparing to return for the second visit, I was on the phone with Pam about that as SHE ASKED ME if I needed them to bring, any, this or that; like milk, or eggs. I SWEAR-- we were JUST CHATTING, AMICABLY, as far as I knew, in a conversation, about, 'Did I need anything?'. As I held the phone, with one hand, and opened the fridge with the other, I-- SIMPLY-- SAID, in ANSWER, to HER question. "I don't need any eggs! I still have all 18, of the ones that Steve bought me, last time, you were here." THAT, was, a HELPFUL bit of INFORMATION, that she was ASKING ME FOR. It was NOT-- IN ANY WAY-- a CRITICISM-- and I KNOW that SHE KNOWS THAT! (Even for an easily slighted and sulking Scorpio; she KNOWS THAT!) I believe, this CRAP, is INTENDED, by her, to put me ON THE DEFENSIVE. I ALSO think, because she DOES THAT TO ME, that-- for SOME reason, that I can't fathom, given that she has a good life, and a much smoother one, than mine has been, by far-- SHE IS JEALOUS OF ME. Maybe, her OWN INSECURITIES leave her feeling vulnerable and she PROJECTS IT ONTO ME; making ME pay the price for her misery, about herself, that has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME and IS NOT COMING FROM ME. "MISERY LOVES COMPANY" as they say. Her list of ACCUSATIONS AGAINST ME is LARGELY BULLCRAP. It's really pathetic, to go to THIS length to ATTACK and try to DISCREDIT someone that you SAY you LOVE. To ME, THIS is, just, another, ABUSIVE TACTIC. THIS ONE, for example: "i don't stay long enough" she LISTED in the text message as me CRITICIZING HER! Can you imagine being THAT UNFAIR and REACHING TO THAT LENGTH to lash out at me?!? When, they said, on Saturday morning, that, they were, only going to be here long enough to unload the truck, and then leave, after I thought, they would be staying, another day, so we could, really, VISIT WITH ONE ANOTHER, I looked at Pam with a sad expression, hearing this from her, and responded with a wistful comment that I was hoping they could stay longer! HOW the HELL can she count SWEET SENTIMENT as a COMPLAINT?!? HOW do you DO that to a sister that, left the personal safety, of her 'No Contact' lifestyle, for a, real relationship, with you, and you REWARD HER FOR THAT by TREATING HER SO UNFAIRLY?!? It is beyond me, how dysfunctional, Pam is, yet SEEMS to think, that SHE ISN'T AT ALL. Geez!
It's late, and I'm tired, so I'm going to end this blog post, as soon, as I can, now, and eat a VERY LATE supper. There is always more to say, about the topics that I cover here, and Pam, may very well warrant another post, to delve into the email she sent me that was equally as damning of me as this text that she sent me; as well as equally A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. I won't waste time with it, here, and now. All things, taken together, though, I know, that Pam will play the, Godly Christian martyr, sister to what she will portray as the complaining, ungrateful Deborah but I think that I documented enough, in detail, in this blog post, to clearly show you, what a load of CRAP, that is. >sigh!< We are BOTH, Christian. We BOTH, love the Lord. We BOTH have, QUALITIES, and FAULTS. But, I VALUE and EMBRACE Truth, and it THREATENS her; and she wants to KEEP ME IN THE ROLE OF 'SCAPEGOAT', which my dysfunctional family has put me in, and kept me in, since I was a child! I'm NOT doing that anymore for them. Meaning, I won't make myself available to them, for them to do that to me, IN PERSON, DIRECTLY, like PAM is doing, to me. They WILL continue to cast me as that, to the day that each one of them dies; no doubt. But, I am, going back, to No Contact, with Pam (because, that, is the best decision-- given how she is treating me-- that I can do, for me) and therefore, by his association with her, Steve; who I DO also fault, for his ASTOUNDING defense of her, which, ENABLES, HER, to BE, this bitchy, to people (INCLUDING, TO HIM.) This last week, here, I was glad to see that I can, FINALLY, smile, again, after she had so traumatized me that I seriously contemplated moving back to Omaha, and selling this house. I know that, to KEEP my smile, I CANNOT BE AROUND FAMILY.
One last thing, before I go, to eat, my hamburgers, at 2:30, in the morning!-- A VERY LATE, supper, indeed! I referred to, "a Love Language", in the title, for this post. Below are two websites about the '5 Love Languages'. I took that free test, that their website offers. It was very helpful, in identifying what people can do to help me feel their love, for me, if in fact they're trying to be loving, to me, but in ways that don't register, or resonate, with me. I recommend that, everyone take this test, as gaining more self-knowledge benefits both us, and our relationships. My Primary Love Language is, "Quality Time", the test revealed, to me; with 2nd and 3rd place Love Languages tied at the same percentage. Those are "Words Of Affirmation", and "Physical Touch". "Acts Of Service", is ranked 4th, for me, as it refers to someone doing things like that to show me their love. The, 4th and 5th ones, TIE IN to THIS blog post, because those 2 are what Pam, and other family members, 'Love Bomb', me, with, unsuccessfully (meaning, it does not, in itself, make me feel loved and it doesn't BUY ME or coerce or guilt-trip me into staying in unhappy, unhealthy, relationships with them, when they do that with me). 5th is, "Receiving Gifts", from people. That, scored, ONLY 7%, for me-- a VERY LOW, SINGLE DIGIT, SCORE. It shows part of why I feel 'bought' by family and I resist and refuse that feeling, when I am, otherwise, UNHAPPY IN THE RELATIONSHIP, enough to NOT WANT TO REMAIN IN IT. Also, even if you look at the two visits I had, here, from Pam, and Steve, they unloaded the truck, the first visit, and left, after that. So, we didn't have ANY "Quality Time" together; and the same for the 2nd visit from them. They went, and rode bikes, together, for quality time, after, Pam told me off, and stormed out, traumatizing me, when, I was trying to share, what life was like for me-- good and bad-- in this brand new place because THAT is EXACTLY what I do with my friends-- and THEY do, with ME-- that FORMS, the STRONG AND LOVING BOND, that we share together, and each enjoy, as friends.
I don't know how any good relationship, can exist, between two people, without, affirmation, emotional supportiveness, and honesty. And, a sense of humor, too! NONE, of those things, are things that, my FAMILY MEMBERS, have provided me much-- if ANY!-- of. They, almost always-- 99%, of the time-- give/send MONEY. That leaves me feeling 'bought off' somehow, but still feeling unloved because of the emotional isolation, I feel, when dealing with people that are, terrified of the truth, rarely show a sense of humor, won't engage in, vulnerable, or meaningful, conversations, and, really, refuse to discuss anything deep, or, of real substance, or significance, avoid emotional closeness, are quick to admonish, and judge, etc. Because I am better off without that I am better off without them, including Pam.
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538
* 'drink the kool-aid': To blindly follow, or believe something or someone without even questioning the facts. Refusing to acknowledge the real truth. Referring to an inability or unwillingness of someone to be persuaded out of believing obvious nonsense -- even when confronted with the facts -- often times out of a sense of loyalty to a group identity. Generally implies the complicity of an individual or a group of people in their own deception irregardless of whether or not they realize it.
*** Scenes: a public display of emotion or anger.
**** Pollyana: A person regarded as being excessively, foolishly, or blindly optimistic. The term is typically used in a negative way, to describe someone who cannot, or will not, consider or take into account the more serious ramifications of various situations.
https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538
** Flying Monkeys: When the narcissist wants to evoke some punishment on a target they dispatch their henchmen (aka flying monkeys) to do their bidding. Unfortunately, this can and often does include abusive behavior such as guilt-tripping, twisting the truth, gaslighting, assaults, threats, and violence.
