"You will always have a lot of friends!" . . .

When I changed schools, in 7th grade, on the cusp of becoming a teenager, later on that year, I entered, the most self-conscious years, of my life. I started taking stock of my impact on the environment that I found myself in, at this junior high school. Realizing, I had to make a conscious choice to project myself to others in some favorable light, to have any chance of attaining the popularity, with people, that is so coveted, at that age, I disciplined myself to display a few very carefully chosen personality traits, and let everything else fall by the wayside as far as my self-expressiveness. This was the threshold of the awkward, teenage time of life, when others' perceptions, about us, were everything, to my age group; including me. I was, too cerebral, too much of a bookworm (even, wearing glasses, which, seemed to emphasize the point), to come anywhere near the orbit of the popular clique of kids. That was fine with me; but I knew I could do better than I was, as far as finding my place in the planetary placement of popularity with my peers. I was stuck somewhere in the middle of the peer-reviewed rankings, that are such  a crucial measuring stick, for our self-esteem, at that tender, and overly anxious, age. While I wasn't invisible to my age group, by any means, socially speaking, I just wasn't showing my best self, or shining my light in the situation, as they say.

Alot, of that, had to do with the uncertainty, I felt, from my upbringing. Standing out or speaking up, as I was growing up in my family, seemed to simply earn me  unwanted responses, that taught me, it was safer to hide myself in the shadows, as much as possible, than try to shine, and be censored, or even struck, for that. Instead of, being allowed, to grapple with my own identity, and in doing so, build better social skills, and gain more confidence in my ability to interact with others, my struggles to grow into my self often got me criticism, chastisement, and even corporal punishment. I was taught that, I was to be seen and not heard; that my opinions or ideas had no place and no value, and expressing them was not worth risking the swift, and harsh, response, from my dad, in particular. I lived much of my home life as a child trying to shrink into the shadows, in order to avoid, even, accidentally, encountering, my father's critical, disapproving, scowl; and his ire. I was definitely not raised to show up and shine. In all those 18 formative years of  my childhood I was very rarely praised for any positive attributes, or skills, that I possessed. I wasn't really interacted with much at all, by my father, unless it was to scold or spank me for something. I was not a bad child so it seeded a seething anger in me that the only attention my father took time, and trouble, to give me, was to drive home his point that I was somehow a disappointment, to him, which deserved only his discipline and never his affirmation. I learned that, as long as I simply suffered silently, so that, I did not interrupt, his, constant, TV watching, or intrude, on his naps, that he took on the couch, while his TV shows droned on, in the background, that I was, allowed, to exist; but that was about all. He spanked me once for daring to change the channel, on the TV, to watch something else, as  he lay there asleep. As soon as I had switched it over he woke and expressed not just annoyance, but extreme anger, and hostility, at me, for my doing that, 'in his house'. Apparently, I was only an intruder, in that place; an obviously unwelcome guest, he was, resentfully, hosting. I spent my entire childhood, walking on eggs, around this terrifying tyrant. There was no way to flourish, while shrinking myself down, desperately trying to survive what was my everyday existence in his house.

Mothers have the larger load to carry, in the vast majority of homes, it seems. My mother was a wife, a schoolteacher (for most of my childhood) and the mother of 4 kids. To make communication, with her, even more difficult, for me, aside from, her busyness, my mother, who had once been, 'my hero', in our home life, whom  I adored, and had even emulated, as a very little girl, became, what I would only understand decades later as being, increasingly, narcissistic, as the years passed; to the point that she eventually became so treacherous, and toxic, toward me, as her scapegoat, that I finally had to go No Contact with her and maintain that very painful decision, instead of backtracking, any more than the, several, times that I had already risked that, over the years, in the hopes that we could find some way to have a mutually enjoyable, and healthy, relationship, with one another. >sigh<

As a girl on the brink of my womanhood with all the bewildering things happening to me, at that age, I tried to talk to her, at times, about things I was thinking and feeling, in this particular year of my life, when I stood a head taller than the boys in my class, and was taking alot of teasing for that, from other kids. But, if, in my normal, understandable, teenage angst, I sounded remotely, frustrated, or upset, about what I was struggling to say, to her, to try to get her to understand, and to feel what I was feeling, at that very vulnerable age, my dad would swoop into the scene and spank me. He did that up until this very age, that I am describing now, when he finally stopped hitting me at least, when he so took me by surprise, with that last physical assault on my behind, that I peed on his hand as he hit me, and fled the room, in humiliation, leaving a puddle of my urine, on the floor. It's also a really bad message to receive as a child, about your worth in this world, when the only time your father even acknowledges you, or ever touches you, at all, is when he scolds you or strikes you. My crime, that he felt, warranted that last assault? I had been sharing my frustrations, with my mom, about the fact that I didn't have any outfits that were on trend like the other girls were wearing, and as a result of them reacting to that unfavorably, by 'judging a book by its cover', which this age group is particularly known for doing, toward one another, I was experiencing alot of trouble being accepted and fitting in, because that made me stand out as being too different, from them. In other words, I had been expressing something that is a, very typical, teenage, emotion. I was struggling, to express these things, to my mother, when my father physically attacked me for it. Instead of being empathetic or supportive or helpful, he had chosen to punish me, for expressing these things. It was not something that, I deserved to be struck for feeling, by my father. Being a teenager, it was, difficult, enough, to feel positive about my self-image, to begin with, as my body began changing, so rapidly, blooming, into womanhood, without my emotional compass for navigating all these increasing complexities of life, as a female, on this planet, being further, and erroneously, skewed by my father acting as if I were a terrible human being, for expressing, normal, fear, and frustration. I wasn't doing well, with all the changes, and demands, life, was giving me, to have to deal with, and I didn't have anyone in the family, being a, sympathetic, support system to help me get through it and come out on the other side feeling confident about my identity, as 'me'. The unique individual God created and called me to be.

I was on the cusp of my teenage years, then. Recently, I just turned 66 years old. These experiences, and the memories they leave behind, in our psyche, stay with us, for our lifetime. Below is a post I put on Facebook, this year (just last month), where I am sharing, some of the results of this, that I, still, live with, to this day:

Some of these things are still a real challenge for me. I was raised to not have or speak with a voice of my own. So, it does not come naturally, or comfortably, for me, and my success at speaking up and speaking out varies widely. It doesn't help that most people aren't comfortable hearing the truth, or even anything else, that they don't want to hear, and it can leave me feeling the brunt of their hostility toward me, for saying what I do, when I do, even if it was warranted, proper, and healthy, given the situation or conversation between us. >sigh!< Humans are MY HARDEST THING to DEAL with. I often wonder if it is really alot easier for OTHER people; and if THEY feel SAFE, ACCEPTED, RESPECTED, and LOVED, by other humans. Honestly, I rarely do. It is SCARY for me and HARD for me. I truly TRY MY BEST, but humans are often so stressful for me to try to interact with that I usually avoid doing it, at all costs, about 99% of the time. Social media masks that, for me, in that I can post things that resonate with me, in some way, that still aren't exactly the same as me PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE. My family of origin wasn't a safe place for me, mentally or emotionally, and sometimes, physically. So, I wasn't taught that people are SAFE for me to interact with and engage in relationships with. It is just so hard, for me. I just know that I want REAL, TRUE, CARING, connections, with people, and can just be myself, and feel like that's alright; that's enough; that's ACCEPTABLE. That's all I can really bring to the table, anyway, is myself. But, we live in a world, now, that can be so superficial. It's like JUNK FOOD for THE SOUL, in alot of ways. I don't come away feeling truly seen, or heard, or cared about. I just accept that, because the way I see it, at least I didn't get DAMAGED MORE BY PEOPLE. (Hopefully, anyway.) We should be such a source of joy and support, for one another. Loving our neighbor as we love ourselves. But, that thing they teach us-- TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED-- NEVER REALLY WORKS WELL for me. At all! I must be MISSING something. . . . I really don't know. I just know that human relationships OFTEN DON'T FEEL 'SAFE' for me. It is REALLY HARD. - Deborah

Alot of introspection, alone in my room, along with an old library book that I read, on how to be considered charming, was what, did help me, all those years ago, to develop some 'survival' strategies, for how to get through that pivotal year, in my life, in a much more successful way than I was doing by simply staying helplessly adrift as I was, always at the mercy of others, and their, sometimes, cold or cruel comments about one another, of which I was one of the targets. I wanted to stop whatever waves of others' opinions had been buffeting me about, in these murky waters of peer popularity. I wouldn't have known how to express this, then, but I wanted to develop some proactive personal power, to secure a higher standing in the pecking order, of peer popularity.  Since, I was spending the large majority of my childhood hidden away behind the closed door to my bedroom, which brought me more peace and protection, for my soul, all alone, in my room, away from the rest of my family, who weren't, accepting, affirming, or affectionate, toward me, I didn't try out any of my new traits, on them, that I was, consciously developing. I remained the same person I had been, at home, in order to continue hiding in the shadows as much as I possibly could. I had learned, along the way, that my dad's attention would only be harsh, critical, or punitive, if I was the recipient, of it, so I did all I could to avoid him, at all costs, My mother's hostile narcissism caused me to avoid interactions with her, all I could, also. I didn't know that her behavior had a name, and that it was that, at the time. I didn't know anything about narcissists selecting a scapegoat, to target, either-- someone that they resented, because, in a sick way, they, actually, admired, that person, for some of their qualities-- which the narcissist doesn't have; and feeling insecure in comparison to them, they seek to bring that, targeted, person down to their own level, if not, totally destroy, that person (which, was me, in my mom's case). I only knew that, I was being singled out, and victimized, by her, and it left me feeling, sad, and scared. I needed to be affirmed, by my mother, not undermined. Especially, during those most vulnerable years I was growing up, when being deprived of healthy relationships and positive interactions can scar someone, for life, damaging, them, irrevocably; as it did me.

 

I began to be laser-focused, on my new personality, I was consciously cultivating, when I was away from home, such as at school, or on church youth retreats, and so forth. My mother dropped me off, at the junior high school, on her way to the, elementary, school, that she taught at, and in between getting out of the car and reaching the entrance door of the school I quickly shed my 'home self', switching to my 'school self'. No longer, being, the introverted, stay-under-the-radar, self, I emerged, in a split second, on the other side of that door, as an outgoing, upbeat and confident girl. It was a case of 'fake it 'til you make it' as I began, trying out, the advice, and strategies, that I had learned, from the library book I read. I was surprised, and gratified, by how well those teachings worked, for me! Virtually all my classmates began to respond to me positively, and affirmatively. I did not get into the 'popular kids' clique (to be honest, I never even wanted to be with those highly superficial, snobby, people) but, even they began to give me their respect, however grudging, it may have been. Teachers consistently called on me in class, and I became known as one of the smartest kids in the class. I excelled, in many areas, and my confidence grew. I was still myself but I had found a way to be my best self and the results of that were rewarding. Guys in my class asked me to go steady with them-- even though I still stood a head taller than almost all of them. I approached everything, and everyone, with a positive outlook, when I was away from my family; where staying alone in my room in as much obscurity as possible seemed like my only hope for survival, in that, very-loveless-feeling, environment.

I was finally getting the acceptance and affirmation from others I was starving for but that I wasn't ever getting from anyone at home. In gym class, the girls would grumble, about having to exercise, or play volleyball, and then be sweaty, for the rest of the day. I stood there, and stood out, as being the one that had a smile on my face though, no matter what was asked of us by our gym teacher, and to do it with, enthusiasm, and supportiveness, of the teacher, and the other students. We had a student teacher that year, as well, who was working on his teaching degree under the training of the school's coach who was, also, our 'Phys Ed' teacher. One day in gym class, as this young man looked out at the lines of girls standing there in formation in the gym, waiting to begin to exercise under his direction, he called out my 'good attitude', in front of, all of those assembled peers, of mine. He could clearly see each of our faces, as he stood before us, and apparently, mine was the only one that appeared anywhere near reflecting positivity about our having to do calisthenics. His, making an example out of me, and me alone, to this entire class caused one of my best friends to get so mad at me, for what she perceived as me making them all look bad, that she actually slapped me in the face, when we went to the locker room, to retrieve our books, for our next class. It shocked me, that I had raised her insecurities that much, when my only intent was simply to alleviate my own, by new behaviors. She was constantly teased, more than most girls, so I sympathized with her, chose to just turn the other cheek (as I hoped she wouldn't slap that one, too), and I let it go, because she had never done anything like that, to me, before, and as I expected, especially when, I was 'the bigger person' about it, in front of our peers, she never did it again. She had developed early, and fully, into a very-grown-woman's body shape, and was not only, tall, but, 'a big girl', as well. She had red hair that drew even more attention to her body, and earned her the nickname, 'Big Red'. It was not the most flattering nickname, to be given to a young girl, that was barely into her teens; by her peers. It had to be hard for her, getting through childhood, when she was still just a very insecure child trapped in a voluptuously developed body that she didn't know how to receive, this early on.

I felt better than I had, toward myself, at least, at school, while she still felt badly about herself, so she suddenly felt very threatened by me. My trying to become a better 'me', wasn't about 'showing her up', by my 'showing off', though, or things like that. I wasn't trying to be egotistical, at all; I was, aiming for, confident. I left the locker room, before she did, without causing any scene, about her hitting me, or, snitching, to the student teacher/coach-in-training. Some other girl apparently told him about it, when she left the gym, though, so, he asked me, about it. I told him, things were okay, that it was no big deal; that she was a friend of mine, who was just having a bad day apparently. He looked at me with such an expression of glowing affirmation, even admiration, due to my always having a positive attitude, and he said something, to me, that day, before I left the gym, which I have never forgotten-- both, because it was the very affirmation that I was starving for, in my life, and because, as life went on, and I grew up, and went out into this world, as, an adult, his words would come back to me, many times, over the years, to haunt me, and to taunt me, even, to this very day. He said, to me, "You will always have alot of friends!" He wasn't, consoling me, about the, literal, slap in the face by 'Big Red'. He was, telling me that, my positive, confident, personality, attributes, that I had worked, so hard, on developing, that year, to make my life, and relationships, happier, would, in themselves, assure me of having alot of favor with other people in my life, who would, also, admire, these attributes. Clearly, as I would learn, the hard way, after becoming an adult female, on this planet, this young man was not aware of the way that this would really play itself out, for me, as a grown woman.

Carolyn's slap in the face in junior high school, was going to prove to be my, first, experience of, the reality, of how resentful, other women would be, of my, bubbly, confident, personality traits. I would later learn that, men, would react differently to it, in ways, that were, almost always, sexual. Including, married men. It was a very frustrating situation, for me, to deal with, at times! To this day, I have never found the way to allow myself the freedom of expression to, just, be my best self, without my doing so, attracting frequently problematic thoughts and behaviors of both women and men. Even though, those are, very different ones, depending on the gender, they make my life, more difficult, and distressing, for me, either way. Just to clarify this, on a deeper level, I do also retain those 'social skills', shall we say, that I developed for my alter ego, persona, 'Stevie' when I became a dancer, but those are a set of extremely extroverted traits, along with, the flirty tone, but it includes lots of sexual innuendo, interspersed in all that; which, was necessary, for me to be able to do my job, well, while working in those nightclubs. Frankly, I was flexing those attributes again, only a couple of days ago, as I interacted with some guys on a social media site on Valentine's Day. I don't personally know any of these guys, that I was 'shamelessly' flirting with. It was just, fun! For all of us, it seemed. The day, specifically celebrating romantic love bonds between couples, can get alot of people down. I LOVE being single, but the mood, online, from alot of other people, led me to believe that, I could lift some spirits, by showing them, the compliment of flirting with them; so I did. It was lighthearted sexually-tinged playtime, for us! I even had one guy, who I only know from this website, but who has become very dear to me, over the years we've interacted on this site, tell me at the end of our typed out torrent of tweets, that, my flirting, had made his day!

Below, are some of these posts, that were flying back and forth, between me and him and other responders to it. It is how I am when I am being much more of my 'Stevie' self, than my 'Deborah' self. Although, I haven't worked in a nightclub, for 25 years or so, now, I still, do some of my 'Stevie' dance moves, dancing around, my home, for an exercise session, after, I've been sitting, for too long, or frankly, to let off some of my pent up sexual steam. I may be older, but I'm not dead yet! These, are examples, of my, adult, adapted, personality traits that I enjoy flexing when I'm given the freedom to do so, in an interaction with another adult. I enjoy it, as harmless fun, but, I have to shut it down, if it causes misunderstandings, of my intentions, in the relationship. Some people say, there is no such thing as just a little harmless flirting. I don't agree, but maybe, that is because, I KNOW that I am, extremely, happy, being SINGLE, after too many HUGE disappointments, with men, and I am, also, CELIBATE, for decades, now, in fact, so, I am not looking for any serious or sexual relationship with anyone. [I just ordered myself some, new, sex toys, as well, which, I hope, will help to address the lack of circulation, that is contributing to my vaginal atrophy, which is a medically diagnosed condition, that  I have had, for the, last few years. My gynecologist (a female), was the one, who told me that this condition would get worse if I did not stimulate blood flow in the vaginal walls. During my pelvic exam, she said that, it looked, very pale, in there, showing the lack of, oxygenated blood, circulating in this area of my body. I take, all of my health issues, very seriously. As a celibate, I needed, to order the toys.] My going to great lengths to help meet my body's, normal, needs, is more proof, that I DO NOT WANT and AM NOT LOOKING FOR a MAN, to be in my life! That is, therefore, also proof that my fun-loving side is showing because I am HAPPY, not because I am HORNY, for a man. These, therapy, toys, that I have gotten, have a twofold health benefit for me. They stimulate blood flow, and sometimes give me an orgasm, as well. My vaginal atrophy is often painful so, alot of the time, it just hurts, and I have to, get through it, for the sake of, stimulating, blood circulation.

 

I, currently, have, only, 5 friends, on one social media site that I don't feel free to really fully express myself on, as the, multi-faceted, woman that I, actually, am. I feel, anxious, boxed in, careful, cautious, reigned in, tense, when I'm posting and interacting on this site. These 5 friends are also people that I actually know in my life. They know me as Deborah; as a neighbor, a Christian, and former co-worker, in a mall retail setting. They're, real-life friends, some old, and some new. I know that I can't, really, ever be, ALL THAT I AM, around them. So, I feel frustrated, at times, and constricted, which is not fun, or freeing, for me. I'm not relaxed, like I would like to be in all of my personal relationships. I'm not being fake, with them. They DO KNOW a VERY REAL PART of ME. I just can't show or share ALL of who I am, with them, for various reasons. It would shock the 'Christian' friends and my former, retail sales, co-worker, because they ONLY know me as a woman of Faith, and a decent human being, who is very caring, and has conservative values (like,  I don't smoke, or do drugs, and I haven't been a drinker for decades now). Those female neighbors, might rethink allowing me into their lives, if they started to see me as a threat (although, I don't want, who, and what, they have!), and the male neighbor is someone I just recently met, whom I have gone WAY OUT OF MY WAY WITH, as I do with ALL of the new men, that I meet, to BE SURE that HE KNOWS, without, any, doubt, that I am, VERY HAPPILY SINGLE, and am NOT looking for, or wanting, ANY man, in my life. I even go to extremes, with making SURE that they KNOW that, when we first meet, because I have learned, in my life, that men only hear what they want to hear, and take that as simply being a challenge, that I am giving them, to overcome, rather than JUST ACCEPT IT, because I am, TRULY NOT INTERESTED, in that, with them. The male ego, just can't seem to accept the fact that, a female, has, every right, to NOT, have them, in her life, or, her bed, or, her body. I have found that, I have to pound that into their brains, before they accept it, to the point that, it really turns them off, toward me (THANK YOU! That's WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN!). I have also learned that I can't really show my flirty side to, many, men, even, at my age, because EVEN WHEN I EXPLAIN TO THEM, that I DON'T WANT THEM, that it's just a FUN SIDE OF ME, flexing, they take it to heart, too much, and it, undermines, the actual, friendship, which, is what, I truly value, with them. So, in real life, I usually can't have too much fun, for too long, before I have to SHUT IT DOWN, because, it starts to undermine the actual relationship, in problematic ways. >sigh!< Bummer. It prevents me from enjoying my freedom to be myself, fully, with the very people that, I often, feel the most comfortable with.

Here's those tweets, I was talking about, earlier, that I didn't put here sooner due to digressing; although that was still on the subject at hand which is: Why it is so complicated, so much of the time, for me to have fun, and fulfilling, relationships? Interestingly, I currently have 521 followers, on this, social media site, versus the website where I only have 5, right now, and that I can't stand being on, because I feel like, I'm stuffed down into a, very tight, box, of who I am allowed to, actually, be, on that site, even though, my friends, DO CARE ABOUT ME, that are on there. The difference? I don't, personally, know ANY of the people on the site that I have alot more followers, so I am not, intimidated, by any of them, or their opinions, of me, which could cause me to decide to hide, a part of, my, multi-dimensional, self. I am FREE TO BE ME, whatever that is moment to moment. I'm extremely eclectic so even though I am expressing my true self at any given time, it is only one part of me. I cannot possibly display all aspects of me, at all times, because I am such a diversified personality! I live with me, so I understand me, but I can often seem like an enigma to others, especially when they feel a need to pigeonhole me, or to put me in some, simple, straightforward box, that, they feel, can contain all that I am. Quite simply, that would be impossible, in my case. It can be a real challenge for me to accomplish! I am struggling, to explain that, about me, even writing this post! I am so simple, yet completely complicated. I am, often, not what I seem to be, WHATEVER THAT IS, at the time, even though, I am still, being me. I am very spiritual, but I also openly express myself in sexual terms; even though I am both a celibate and a Christian; who loved being an exotic dancer in the nightclubs and who often tells God, that, if I had not, finally, aged out of, that profession, I would love to still be doing it, because, I enjoyed it so much. The freedom of expression! I wear glasses, and love to read books, but, I learned to dance hip-hop moves, by watching YouTube videos-- in, my mid-60s! I'm somewhat shy, and very outgoing.

I'm fairly funny, and deadly serious. Charming, and cold. Always, I am, just, 'me'. 

On that thought: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLurue51jfQ Oh, Hell, yeah! THIS, is, my, theme song, now.-- my rallying cry! This song, really does it for me.

              Some of my Valentine's Day tweets (recipients names removed)

I think of you often. I send you tweets to try to console you and bring you a smile or laugh. I love you! For whatever it's worth I get to go through a 2/13 birthday and 2/14 Valentine's Day double whammy every year that always tells me alot about where I stand with people 

[NOTE: That female friend was sad that people weren't showing their love for her on this poignantly important, special day, that so emphasizes, romantic, love. People, who don't have that, in their lives, or are single because they escaped abusive and narcissistic partners, like this lady, and I, can feel deprived and excluded and unlovable, if we let ourselves go there. She allowed the sadness to overtake her, and I have too, other times. This time, I chose to ENJOY Valentine's Day, by letting my sensuality AND sense of humor out to play, online, just to let off some sexual steam that's been pent up in me, ALOT, lately, and CELEBRATE the truth-- for ME-- that, all things considered, I am GLAD EVERY SINGLE DAY that I do NOT HAVE A MAN IN MY LIFE! I'M MUCH HAPPIER THIS WAY!]  

I liked it. I've learned some hip-hop dance moves from YouTube and used them to dance to the songs in the [2/13/22 Super Bowl] Halftime Show, in my livingroom, plus picked up a few new moves from the performers in the show! Kicked off my warm-but-awkward scuffy slippers, and got down!

LOL! Sounds like LOVE IS IN THE AIR, Vegas style, mingled with some other assorted scents.

Aw, THANK YOU! My kidding around and laughing is my BEST form of STRESS RELIEF through all this CRAP that I can't control in the micro and macro of my life. But, I TRULY DO NEED a HUG-- DESPERATELY-- but am too terrified of the pandemic (tho vaxed) to RISK GETTING ONE HUG.

Maybe it's just me, or my mood, tonight, but I started laughing so hard when I saw this! Who KNEW the Rapture would take place via a pizza delivery vehicle? At LEAST you got FOREWARNED. I always heard that WOULDN'T HAPPEN, with the Rapture!

LOL!!! When I saw this from you, I just started laughing so hard my shoulders were shaking up and down. I hate to say it, but based on everything you have told me . . . THIS IS SO 'YOU'! I am SMILING SO BIG right now! I REALLY needed a GOOD LAUGH like THIS today! THANK YOU!

I'm blue-eyed too, just no longer brunette-- all gray now (after a 'Do blonds have more fun?' phase-- which they don't! LOL) I have been so hungry since your pic: Did you make bruschetta for your sourdough bread? I WANT IT SO MUCH!!! Being single, I can eat ALL the GARLIC I want!

There is nothing better in this world than homemade, fresh-baked bread! I'm sitting here trying to imagine the smell of your artisan bread baking. Ummm! Not just Charcuterie, but CHEF! I'm impressed! (And HUNGRY now-- THANKS ALOT!)

So, on Valentine's Day, you can honestly say, now, that you showed me your stuff, and made my mouth water. You left me feeling hungry, and wanting it so bad! LOL! Way to go!

Perhaps his LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG table-- MUCH LONGER than ANYONE ELSE'S-- is his way of doing PENILE PROJECTION, rather than "poison projection". Just sayin'. The whole, I'm BIGGER and LONGER than YOU, thing, MAN TO MAN.

You KNOW the VERY 1ST THING I ADORED about you when we met here was your sense of humor! We both had SO MUCH FUN with our back and forth banter the first day our Tweets somehow connected us here and we started kidding back and forth. I didn't know u r Aquarius 2 'til my bday tho.

HEY! We MAY BE old by the world's standards but we BOTH know we're STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE! Oh yeah, we are! I NEVER KNEW 'TIL I got to be this age (since it's ALL NEW TO ME), I REALLY AM the SAME woman I was 20-30 YRS AGO in EVERY way except for BAD KNEES and VAGINAL ATROPHY! LOL!

I swear, I have WAY MORE FUN on Twitter than I ever have around here, so far. >sigh!< I MISS JUST HAVING SOME REAL FUN! Kidding, laughing, NO PANDEMIC, so I can FINALLY JUST GET ONE HUMAN HUG after more than 2 YEARS! >sigh!<

The HUG you sent me through cyberspace landed well and REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART! It made me STOP smiling, because it almost made me CRY-- but in a GOOD WAY. THANK YOU again! It means ALOT. I'm going through SO MUCH right now. I feel kind of LOST, and STRESSED, and SAD, alot.

I am sending you a GREAT BIG HUG right back! It'll linger awhile, while I cry on your shoulder. Hope you don't mind that. YOU TOUCHED MY HEART!

Please stay connected to me, because you are such a bright light of love that showed up in my life, and I am so blessed by your presence! Thank you for being you! I appreciate you ALOT!

I am SHARING this BIG, WONDERFUL, HUG that [he] kindly sent ME with ALL OF YOU who SEE this Tweet! [He] was SO KIND to SEND IT to ME, and I KNOW that ALOT of my friends are brokenhearted (AS AM I, in ways) and Valentine's Day RUBS IT IN for alot of people. WE ALL NEED SOME LOVE!

I wish I could give you a great big hug in person! You are dear to me! I just wanted to tell you that, for whatever it's worth. I LOVE BEING SINGLE and I always say that up front. But, that doesn't mean that I don't love some people, and you are a very special one of those!

I have ALOT of THOSE DAYS myself. Life SURE IS MORE FUN with some lightheartedness and laughter, though; when others ALLOW US THE PRIVILEGE to EXPRESS OURSELVES THAT WAY. GEEZ! People often feel threatened when I'm actually acting HAPPY! My blog post for February will be ON THIS!

YOU ARE JUST MEAN! LOL! My mouth started watering the SECOND I SAW THIS picture! You are SO CRUEL! LOL! I just ate some LEFTOVER tomato soup, and a CARROT, and YOU SEND ME THIS gorgeous spread. I swear, you are TRYING TO SEDUCE ME! LOL! LOVE YOU, DEAR! Working on blog.

I'm SMILING SO BIG NOW! THANK YOU, dear [man], for this wonderful Valentine's Day date we've had through our tweets and our shared humor. I would have changed out of my baggy t-shirt and jeans if I'd known! What a nice surprise this was. I gotta go. Blog post to finish writing now

                        and some Tweets replying to me on Valentine's Day

                 (as we all know, most people aren't nearly as wordy as me)

For you

Awwww you're so welcome

Will do Deborah and if you contact me believe me I will always respond as long as I am here

You’re just teasing me now!

Be still my heart ❤️

At my advanced age it brings a smile to my face that I can still do that. 😄 

Now you got me laughing 😂

ya I’m the same guy too …. Except for the thinning grey hair, expanded waist line, arthritic hands, high blood pressure and there’s parts of me that wouldn’t work if they were soaked overnight in WD-40….other than that, my baby blue eyes are still blue.

The persona, that I put forth, on Twitter, which these posts, above, are from, was much more of my 'Stevie' self, from my dancer days. So, I HAD A REAL BLAST as  I flexed that part of me, again, for awhile. I tend to only let that side of me show now with people that, I really feel 'safe' with, or accepted or befriended by. I shut down alot more around people who I know are, gossiping about me, are trying to undermine, or discredit, or backstab, me, or are fake with me. PLAYER HATERS. I still have, the personality traits, that I taught myself, back in junior high, too, but  I have grown alot tireder of other peoples' crap as the years have gone by and so many peoples' bad behaviors have taken such a huge toll, on me, and, on my life. I'm at the point now of feeling like I am on BULLSHIT OVERLOAD, from all of this. There's not alot of people living by The Golden Rule anymore. Not even me, all of the time. The  Bible  says, "because of the increase of evildoing, the love of many will grow cold."(Matthew 24:12 New American Bible) I've really seen this happen, over the course of my lifetime. Around me, and in me. Not, in everyone, all of the time, or, always, in me. There are still moments where I see or experience caring, and compassion, love, and redemption, that lift my spirit and my hopes out of the mire, of dejection, and despair, and inspire me, to embrace life, and others, again.

I want to engage and enjoy life, fully! I want to be free to be 'me'. I don't want to have to 'keep my light under a bushel basket', hidden from the world because my shining self makes other women insecure, and men attracted to me, in ways that, can become extremely problematic, for me to navigate, and still feel relaxed, and safe, staying, in the relationship, with them, as my friend, or my neighbor. I am a freedom loving, outgoing, spontaneous, fun-loving, upbeat, person normally, with a sense of humor, that I enjoy using, at every possible moment. Instead of, being this, truest, me, though, I often feel like I have to be deadly serious and subdued in situations, to try to avoid drawing the resentment, rejection, and retaliation, of other women, who seem to take my allowing myself to shine as my best self as a threat to them personally, or the men acting attracted to me, even when they are married men, causing me to shut down, my self expression, from feeling, it is my responsibility to NOT SHINE, or BE HAPPY, because their seeing me like that turns them on sexually, sometimes. >sigh< IT IS SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING! I want to SHINE, as who I am, because I am living my ONLY life, and I WANT to ENJOY it! I don't want guys drawing my attention to their adulterous thought, though-- a real downer, for me, that I don't want, or need, in my life. I have been single for OVER THREE DECADES NOW! I have had 5 marriages to 4 men and turned down quite a few other offers to be married. I DON'T LIKE MARRIAGE. There are alot of things I don't like about MEN (although, I am not gay). If I WANTED a man I could HAVE a man-- even at my age, now, but I DON'T WANT ONE! I even, TELL THEM THAT, UP FRONT-- and I am a very direct and honest person! Even so, women literally try to stand between me and their husbands if I am approaching them, as if I want their man, when, there is, NOTHING ABOUT HIM, that I would EVER even WANT. GEEZ!

I am being, my happiest self, when I am, smiling, giggling, being funny, even silly, having fun. But, whenever I DO THAT, men accuse me of "flirting" with them, and women act really dubious of, hostile toward, and resentful of, me. When I am 'me' around other women-- doing, the very same behaviors, as I did around the men-- the women will ask me if I'm drunk, to be acting so relaxed and express myself so freely and happily, which is truly insulting (especially since, I don't drink anymore, and haven't for a long time now). If they aren't asking me, if my behavior is from, some 'substance abuse', then they accuse me of trying to take their man, and get in little gossipy groups and talk about me, in a bad way. Apparently, a woman like me, being fully herself, and being happy, with her life, makes, alot of women, feel extremely threatened, and unhappy, so I end up avoiding them. The men and the women, since I can't JUST BE 'ME', without getting all these CRAPPY reactions, to that, and I get tired of defending, or explaining, myself, to the men (No, I am not trying to BE WITH YOU!) and the women (No, I do not want to take your man!). I end up just shutting down (which is not fun for me, since I ENJOY BEING ME) and staying to myself, away from, the insecurity, and the resentment, the accusations, and the attractions. GEEZ! Why, can't I JUST BE ME? THEY, are being THEMselves!

I have even tried to preemptively discuss this with people, before it ever happens, in order to explain where I am coming from and to reassure them that, I am NOT, trying to take their man, if they are a woman, or have an intimate encounter with them, if they are a man. Plus, there's a pandemic going on, that I'm truly terrified of! I haven't even gotten close enough, to any human being, to even be HUGGED, for OVER TWO YEARS, now! I DON'T TAKE ANY CHANCES! I recently backed away from a friendship with a married man when he started saying I'm flirting with him. The thing is, he doesn't see me around others, when I'm being myself, in the very same way, as I was, with him, whether, they are, men, women, children, or PETS; when I am not shut down, which would 'dull my light', socially speaking. I am THE VERY SAME WAY with others, I interact with, even online on social media sites, as I documented, above, by copy and pasting, some, of my tweets, and some of, the responses, I got from people to those. I shut down, and pulled back from it, when he said that, because if that is his perception and his focus, when we interact that way, with one another, then, I can't, comfortably, continue, to kid, back and forth, with him, anymore, like we both used to enjoy doing. I wouldn't feel right about it knowing that, he, thought of it that way. As, something wrong, or that was meant as something more, than it really was. Whenever I feel unsure and self-conscious, with people, I shut down, and freeze up, around them. All I feel is, uncomfortable! In the midst of, ALL this STRESS, with the pandemic, being more contagious, than ever, and the issues with my house being, largely, still unresolved, after 6 months, here, his friendship, with me, was the bright spot, because, he was able to get me to smile even with tears in my eyes, or in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack, when I was struggling to even be able to breathe. He was comforting. Reassuring. When so MUCH of what is going on in my life, and situation, is anything BUT that. I felt it was a supportive friendship, from someone with a really good heart. Until, he made me so self-conscious, by using the "f"-word (flirting) to describe my way of expressing my buoyant personality as I forced myself to focus on the happiness I feel, in being here, despite the obstacles that I have to overcome that came with it. Hard things, which I hadn't expected, to have to deal with, when I moved here.

So, the ONE person that I had really felt WAS a REAL FRIEND, to me, I don't have that feeling with, anymore. All I can think of, when I interact with him, now, which I try to limit doing, as much as possible, is how anxious I feel, about not doing, or saying, anything, anymore, that will have too much weight given to it, by him, if I should, smile, or laugh, or do, anything, at all, "joyful", around him, now. The sad thing is, he, actually, really had it right, about me, when he described me as being a joyful person. I REALLY AM, when people aren't causing me to shut down, who I am, so I don't make them feel threatened, by that, in me, in some way, shape, or form; depending on, who they are, and what 'threat', they think, I am, to them. I regularly, raise my arms, up high, standing in my livingroom, and praise God, and love on Him, and sing songs to Him! I regularly kick off my slippers, and dance on my kitchen rug-- line dances, hip-hop, even some of my old, dancer, moves. I AM TRULY a "joyful" person, when I AM ALLOWED TO BE! So many people don't allow me to be, for their own, various, reasons. >sigh!< I FEEL like I am SUFFOCATING, sometimes, just because I feel like I have spent MOST OF MY LIFE, stuffing myself down, to minimize, who I am, negate, who I am, force myself, TO BE, LESS THAN, who I AM, just so, OTHER PEOPLE, won't have, a PROBLEM, with, MY JUST BEING WHO I AM, and BEING HAPPY-- because God GAVE ME LIFE on this Earth, to LIVE! Fully! Joyfully! Being, ALL that, I CAN be! EXPRESSING, all that I AM! Having FUN!

                                           

I HATE that it seems like I HAVE to be MISERABLE to keep OTHER people happy! I have GONE THROUGH SO MUCH, that was, horrible, and heartbreaking, in my life. It has been a VERY DIFFICULT road, for me to walk, in this world. Now is my LAST CHANCE, to really ENJOY my life. I am, a senior citizen, now. It's NOW OR NEVER, for me. Yet, here I am, hiding myself away, from, other people, again, like I have, for MOST OF MY LIFE, so that, MY being HAPPY, won't disturb THEM, in some way. It is SO SAD! It is SO WRONG. I FEEL like, I have NO choice. I feel, an underlying anger, too, though, at NOT BEING ALLOWED to just BE WHO I AM in my life, now! God created me to be ME, and I feel like I have rarely been able, to BE, who I am. Sure, I can choose to be myself, in spite of, others' objections, but so often, I end up being made to pay a price for it. The 'punishment', often doesn't fit the 'crime'. It's also still extremely hard for me to accept the fact that, as a grown adult, I am free now to choose to express myself, genuinely, and authentically, after I was not allowed, to do that, at all, when I was growing up. That became an, indoctrinated, objection, in my soul, that is very difficult to overcome; even after all these years.

I already know, that, if I ever DO, give myself, permission, to be all that I can be, anyway, in spite of all the apparent opposition, to that, I will feel MORE, negative, reactions, from people. I want to wear my, nicer, clothes! I have not worn ANY, of them, since I came here, because when I moved here and brought it up to one of the women that is part of the little clique that gossips about me, she said that NO ONE HERE EVER DRESSES UP, because, it DOESN'T SUIT LIVING HERE. I want to get my hair styled. I haven't done these things yet because of the pandemic, and now, the, financial, strain, because of, the problems, with my new house, holding me back, from it. I want to rent a car, and go to the beach! It's been pushed way down on my To Do List, because I have to get the house repaired before anything else, now, though; which the pandemic is still holding up my making progress on, as well as, my lack of funds, that I will need for this, unanticipated, problem. The ONE person here, that I came to believe was a REAL FRIEND to me, isn't now. All because of, my 'flirtiness', being, problematic, for him, despite, him, doing things toward me that I would say ALSO FIT THAT CATEGORY, only I considered it to be that we were sharing our MUTUAL SENSE OF HUMOR, for the most part, that had brightened each other's day, in the midst of stress. After all, NEITHER of us, ever actually PROPOSITIONED the other. It wasn't like that with us. We JUST KIDDED, with one another. Or so I had THOUGHT, we were doing. The friendship is not the same, now. I emotionally distanced myself from him, after he started harping on the 'flirting' thing, making me self-conscious, about it, and unsure about, all of it.  After that, I deliberately told him off, for things, he does, that have, annoyed me,  to put up a wall, between us, so it won't even be possible, to have that, problem, now. Because he is my friend, in my heart, though, I really care about him. So, I really hurt, when his response, showed me that he was hurt, by my doing that to him. But I made myself let it stand, so it would burn that bridge between us now.  I feel sad, about it. He felt like, my ONLY REAL FRIEND, here, so far! I will, make other friends, eventually, though, and he won't feel conflicted, now, from kidding with me. I have talked to him, once, since then, and I could tell it isn't the same.

                                                       

I don't think the 'flirting' thing would have been such an issue, as he made it out to be, if he had known, that, I am that way, with all kinds of people and animals, when I am JUST BEING HAPPY IN MY LIFE. My Twitter tweets show that. I have a young, male, neighbor, who is only 25 years old, that I like, very much. When he moved in, next door, to me, he wasn't married, yet, and when I would see him, I would talk with him, and laugh, and kid around, and be very lively and animated.  I made him smile, and laugh, every time we visited, and those interactions made me happy, too! I looked forward to seeing him, and talking with him. We enjoyed it, but I don't think he EVER took it as me FLIRTING with him, although, by some peoples', strict, definition of it, I probably would be. I am 66 years old, now! It is SILLY, to EVER think that I would REALLY 'FLIRT', in ANY SERIOUS WAY, that was MORE THAN just being, this harmless, and fun, upbeat, interaction, between us. I could be this young man's GRANDMOTHER! Still, I laughed, and kidded, with him, much more so, than I, ever, did, with the man, who was, my friend, that, made a big deal, out of, my 'flirting', to me; causing me to avoid interacting with him now unless it is necessary, and unavoidable. When I moved here, I was ALSO this way with the WOMEN, until, they acted, SO HOSTILE, TOWARD ME, for doing it, that I stopped. I was in my mood to be fun-loving and silly as I talked to a woman here who lives at the end of my street. After all, I had just moved, into my new house, and despite the problems, that presented me, I was trying my best (while, crying, alot, about it, on the side) to BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. As she and I talked outside, for a bit, I was making jokes and being upbeat. I laughed, as I said to her, "My sense of humor is showing!", while striking a silly pose, as if it were, my slip, showing. I was just, feeling free, to be me. She, looked me up and down, when I struck that, animated, pose, with NO SMILE, on HER FACE, as if she thought I was from Mars!

Not long after, a small clique developed here that made me their main target. She was in that group. She acts otherwise, when the property manager is around, but she definitely has been a main instigator in the gossip about, and criticism of, me. That gossipy group talks crap about me, with things like, "Who does she think she is? Why does she act like that? I don't like her. I don't trust her." I know it goes on and I just let them be. All the while, as these, precious, latter, days, of my life ebb away-- days that I cannot get back, to try to live more happily-- I want to DANCE, through my life, and be SILLY, if I want to, and LAUGH, deeply, and wear, some of my pretty clothes, including skirts, and dresses, without, having to, SHUT MYSELF DOWN because somebody SAW me dancing (out of sheer joy of living my life) and says I am doing that because I am flirting, or I am after their husband, or being a troublemaker, or a problem. WHY is my JUST BEING WHO I AM such a THREAT, to people? Honestly, it seems like, so many, people-- especially, women-- are just so miserable with their own lives, underneath, that they are a 'Misery loves company' group! I have lived through MORE THAN ENOUGH MISERY, in my life, and I WANT TO BE HAPPY, NOW! I want to be, ALLOWED, to be happy now! Apparently, I need peoples' PERMISSION, and ALSO, apparently, they mostly, DO NOT GIVE ME THAT permission. I would FEEL SO MUCH HAPPIER and be SO MUCH MORE RELAXED, in my life, if people would JUST LET ME BE (ME!)! It reminds me of the Bobby Brown song, 'My Prerogative'. Below, is the link, to the video, of the song, and the lyrics.

All those years ago, in junior high, my vivacious and enthusiastic personality, that I had cultivated so that I could finally find affirmation, appreciation, and affection, while, I was at school, at least, gave me a way, to find happiness, apart from, my miserable, dysfunctional, home life. When, it was, commented on, complimented, by the student teacher, during gym class, with him, assuring me, that, because of it, I would always have alot of friends, neither he nor I realized, how mistaken, he was. Clearly we both had alot to learn about that. Carolyn, AKA 'Big Red', was the one that showed me what it was actually going to be like, for me, when she heard him say that, and slapped me, to 'put me in my place', because of it, on that very day. It seems like, my WHOLE LIFE, people have, resented me, punished me, and ostracized me, in various ways, because my being "joyful" has been, problematic, for people, for various reasons. Women think, I'm competing, when I'm NOT. Men think, I want them, when I DON'T. Honestly, I MEANT NO HARM, to anyone! I just want, the chance, to be (ALLOWED, to be) HAPPY! Lighthearted. Silly. Giggly. Fun-Loving. WHY, is THAT such a THREAT, to people? I, REALLY, don't understand that.

What I DO understand, is that, my LIFE is NOW! I have to LIVE it, or WASTE it by 'dimming my light', and trying NOT to SHINE, so that, the brightness of my being, won't cause me to incur peoples' disapproval. I DON'T LIVE FOR THEM! I LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME! They already turned on me, anyway, each in their own way, and for their own reasons. There IS going to come a day, God Willing, when I will, finally, be able, to get my hair done (because, it NEEDS it; not to, IMPRESS, anyone, but ME), and I will wear my cute clothes here, because this is where I live, and this is where I am, and my clothes are all just hanging here, filling 2 racks and a closet, waiting to get some use. I paid for them, and I have every right to ENJOY them. I can't spend the rest of my life in baggy clothes and old sweatsuits, just because a woman, here, that isn't nice to me, anyway, and doesn't seem to like me, already told me that, NO ONE ELSE HERE EVER DRESSES UP, so I shouldn't either. I want to FOR ME! But, God forbid, HER husband looks twice at me when I do, some day, because I WILL BE BLAMED for 'flirting' with him, and trying to steal him from her when NEITHER of those things would be TRUE. My being at my best is for myself!

I have downplayed myself terribly, since moving here, and being the object of the gossip clique, and such, but I can't win, with people, NO MATTER WHAT I DO, so I shouldn't continue to allow them to intimidate me or control what I am allowed to be. Apparently, my, effervescent, personality, WON'T assure me, that I will always have alot of friends. But, the way I see it, I'd rather have a few, real, friends, that ACCEPT ME for WHO I AM, than a whole lot of them, that just want to slap me, for seeming like a threat, to them, anyway. I really miss, the friendship, with the one guy here, that I thought was a real friendship. But, it's probably better that it was ruined, if he even thought for one minute that I meant it to be anything else. Now I find myself, wondering, if the 25-year-old, that lives next to me, ever, thought, I 'wanted' him, because I 'flirted' alot more openly with him than anyone else here; so far. I definitely don't! Sometimes, for me, the easiest ones to be flirty with, are the ones that I would especially not want. What they KEEP calling, "flirting", I see as me just ENJOYING LIFE, and BEING, FUN-LOVING. I resent them, relabeling it, into something problematic, when it is something superficial and harmless; to me. When, I'm THIS VERY SAME WAY, with women, that I interact with (that, I like, as people; not, the bitches, that give me a hard time), I wonder, now, if THEY think I am acting like that because I am 'flirting', with THEM; which would make me gay? I AM NOT, IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, GAY! NONE of my wildest fantasies are EVER about WOMEN. One, of my sexual fantasies-- since, those, don't have to be, anything realistic, since, it will never, actually, be acted on, in real life, involves, a dog, though; and another one of my fantasies is about an alien from outer space; so, if you want to make something out of, 'who', I 'flirt' with, if only in my wildest fantasies, then chew on THOSE TWO THINGS about me. THAT ought to KEEP YOU BUSY, talking about me, for awhile. In the meantime, I will go 'flirt', with MYSELF! I ENJOY, MY SENSE OF HUMOR, and ability to be, light-hearted, in the midst of all this STRESS! (I once, told my husband, about the dog fantasy, so he used to walk around behind me when he was horny, barking at me. I was NOT amused by that. Although, it, really, was, kind of funny!) Anyway, not only, did I NOT, end up with, ALOT, of friends, there aren't ALOT of people, anymore, that I, REALLY want to BE FRIENDS WITH! I always kind of smile, to myself, when there are people rejecting me who seem to assume that it matters to me; as if I haven't, also rejected them.

"I try to live in a little bit of my own joy and not let people steal it or take it." - Hoda Kotb

Here's one last Tweet, that I just saw, on Twitter, as I was checking on, whether a friend (that I 'FLIRT' with, ALOT, on Twitter!) got his birthday Tweet from me, yet:

Jacklena Bentley @JacklenaB 

Delete people from your life that take your joy away from you.

That Tweet seems to go with this blog post, of mine, very nicely! So, I included it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cDLZqe735k

THIS COULD, ALSO, BE MY, THEME SONG, FOR MY LIFE-- and, JUST BEING 'ME'!

Here are the lyrics:

Get busy
Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Now now)
Why don't they just let me live (Oh oh oh)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (Oh)
That's my prerogative

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Gettin' girls is how I live
Some ask me questions
Why am I so real
But they don't understand me
I really don't know the deal
About a brother
Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago
Before I win this fight
Sing!

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (Oh)
That's my prerogative
It's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)

It's the way that I wanna live (It's my prerogative)
I can do just what I feel (It's my prerogative)
No one can tell me what to do (It's my prerogative)
Cause what I'm doin'
I'm doin' for you now

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not zooped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships
Really gets me down
I see nothin' wrong
With spreadin' myself around
Sing!

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (yeah)
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission (I don't need)
Make my own decisions (My own decisions)
That's my prerogative
It's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)

I can do what I wanna do (It's my prerogative)
Truly live my life (It's my prerogative)
I'm doin' it just for you (It's my prerogative)
Tell me, tell me

Why can't I live my life (Live my life)
Without all of the things that people say (Oh Oh)

Yo tell it, kick it like this
Oh no no

I can do what I wanna do
Me and you
Together, together, together, together, together

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Everybody's talkin')
Why don't they just let me live (Why)
(Why don't they just let me live girl)
I don't need permission (I don't need permission)
Make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Everybody's talkin')
Why don't they just let me live
I don't need permission (I don't need)
Make my own decisions (My own decisions)
That's my prerogative

What is this a bizzit that I can't have money in my pocket
And people not talk about me
This world is a trip, I don't know what's going on these days
Got this person over here talking about me, this person
Hey, listen, lemme tell you something
This is my prerogative, I can do what I want to do

I made this money, you didn't
Right Ted?
We outta here

It's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my
my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my

It's my prerogativeWriter/s: BOBBY BROWN, GENE GRIFFIN, TEDDY RILEY
Publisher: BMG Rights Management, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind 

'Bossy Bitch' is NOT a LOVE LANGUAGE.

Sigh.

Where to start, with this one.

This is about the last family member that I haven't specifically blogged about. My youngest sister, Pam. She has been mentioned, in other posts, about my family. I never felt that, I had, enough, understanding, of where our relationship was, with one another, or was going, to be able to begin to describe my experience, of that, here. Until now. Mostly due to, my deciding, to, permanently, go No Contact, with my dysfunctional family members, in an effort to protect myself, from any further mental and emotional abuse from them, we had been out of touch completely, for about 15 years before Pam emailed me out-of-the-blue on June 30, 2020. (Which also shows that she had my email all that time but had not felt any reason to use it, prior to this, to reach out to me-- on her own behalf-- for any reason; until she needed me, now, to help settle our mother's Estate.) She did acknowledge, in her first email, after all this time, that she knew, I had, in fact, chosen to go fully and lastingly No Contact with my family of origin (NOTE: and, with some, other family members, who had not bothered to learn my side of the story or care about what  I have gone through because of all this crap but had simply taken their side; also making me, the scapegoat, to them, then). She told me that our mother was in a care facility, due to declining health issues. Soon, after that email, came, another, one, saying our mother had closed her eyes there after staff had been in to brush her hair, and died. One of my main tormentors, in my life, my narcissistic mother, had died, peacefully, when that moment came. I had loved my mother, but, I also had to distance myself, to protect myself, from her. She had this ability to destroy me, and she had attempted to, in ways that only a narcissist will try to do, since I was a very little girl. Narcissists never really 'win', because, they cost themselves, so much, in the process of trying to discredit and dim the light of their scapegoat. My last husband was also a narcissist, and I am sure that he realized what he had cost himself, by treating me as horribly as he did, so much of the time, destroying our relationship with one another irreparably, in the process of all that. Narcissists are compelled, to do these things to their victims. However, that is certainly never an excuse for it. It's something that has very nearly annihilated me and destroyed what they could have had, for themselves, with our relationship, in the process of scapegoating me. Someone who loved them, and did not deserve any of this hell-on-earth from them. Narcissism is an extremely destructive force in relationships. 

I couldn't even feel relieved. Relieved that Mom was now in Heaven and therefore finally healed of her toxic ways, toward me. Or, relieved that she would not be on this earth, to do those things to me ever again. It isn't that simple. She managed to turn my son against me, while she was alive, as well as other family members, such as his stepmother, and perhaps, his father (the one man I will love forever); all of whom I love deeply. It stung when I had reached out to my son many years after I had realized that, with no explanation or good-bye he had chosen to leave me behind in his life, and he harshly admonished me-- told me off, by email-- for 'making (my mother) cry'. I only WISH, that was ALL, that SHE had done, to ME! Her spreading that bias, that toxic manipulation, into the hearts and minds of my other loved ones, poisoning these, precious, sacred, family relationships, because they 'drank the kool-aid'* and believed her version, meant her legacy will live on, in my life, for all the rest of my days on this earth. These people became more of her Flying Monkeys** for her narcissistic abuse of me, punishing me by proxy, by blaming me, turning on me, rejecting me, adding insult to injury. Imprisoning me in their, unfair, and untrue, judgement, that I did this, TO the family, and I AM TO BLAME for this dysfunction; especially because I went No Contact (and 'made her cry'). No one who understands the insidiousness of Narcissistic Abuse would ever agree with, or condone, this scapegoating, of me, that my family has done! They can understand how much I have endured and lost, because of it. I would NEVER have WISHED it to be THIS way. It is the very thing, I was praying my son would not succumb to. The thing I was most trying to get him out of and to protect him from, when I realized, I could not stay with my family, to raise this precious baby boy, of mine; but because I was out of options to keep him with me, then, it also meant that I had to give up custody of him, to his father and his new stepmother. I simply couldn't meet all of his needs well enough, without some, family support. 

 

You may be wondering, why, I seemingly digressed, into descriptions of others, in my family, when this post is, specifically, about Pam. It is background information, about the dysfunction in my family of origin, because, NONE of us have escaped it unscathed. It tainted, every single one of us, that it has touched, with the toxicity, that my mother was always at the core of. When Pam physically reentered my life on August 20, when I moved back to the Carolinas, and she and her husband met me at my new house, to help me move in, I wondered whether she had become a narcissist, taking up our mother's unholy mantle. After all, she had been born and raised by the same set of parents, and had the same siblings, as me. I knew that, the environment had to have affected her, in some way. What was modeled for us as acceptable family behavior was definitely dysfunctional; which was neither, her fault, nor mine. We were both impressionable, vulnerable, children learning about family and home life as it was presented to us. I came to the conclusion, after my initial concern, that Pam might also be a narcissist, that she most definitely is not. (Thank God, because, there is, sadly, really no cure, for that, due to, what causes someone to adapt that, relational, behavioral strategy in the first place.) However, Pam's coping choices were toxic to me, traumatizing, me, as we were now around one another again after my being away from having to deal with these things with my family of origin. Especially, face-to-face, like this. Rarely, is anything, as clear-cut, as being, either black or white. Especially, not in regard to people. People are complex, complicated, creatures. Still, there are, identifiable characteristics, of an individual's personality, that seem, to be, virtually, set in stone. How they tend to, act, and react, in the world. That, is how, I am able to say, "I am what I am", and know what I mean, by that, despite, the fact, that I am ALOT of things, that cover a wide spectrum, of beliefs, and behaviors. There's a certain set of traits, inherent in every individual, that are woven into the very fabric of who this, or that, person is. That's largely how and why people tend to label one another. "She's so sweet!" (Maybe to THEM; but NOT to ME!) "He's so outgoing." (But, he also likes his alone time, too.) "They are so talkative." (Although, everyone is quiet, at some point, as well.) We, each, have certain characteristics, which enable others to pigeonhole us with some degree of accuracy if describing us to someone else. Yet, there are also some deviations, from that 'standard operating procedure' that we usually employ in dealing with most others in our lives, that are only relevant in regard to specific relationships. One example, would be, that of a drill sergeant, in the military, who can strike pure fear in the hearts of the recruits, they are yelling at, as they try to make military members of them, but, is a veritable 'purring pussycat' at home, as he or she holds their little children in their arms, and tenderly kisses their spouse. 

Through prayer and pondering, I was able to come up with some conclusions, that are based on my observations of, and interactions with, my sister, Pam. These are specific to her, especially as far as my relationship with her. She is very willful and has a tendency to be bossy, but I truly believe she does not go to the lengths that she does in her relationship with me to be as domineering of others. For her sake, and theirs, I HOPE this is true, anyway! I cannot fathom the depths of her soul, to know, exactly, what has caused her to be as she is. I researched the things, that I have been 'bitten by', from her, simply to try to better understand, where she was coming from, before I even began to prepare for writing this post; which included, my taking things into account like her astrology sign which is Scorpio. That helped alot, actually. I was on the verge of believing that she had succumbed to the toxic attribute of being a narcissist, as I said, before I read alot about Scorpios online. I saw, so much, of her, in those descriptions. So, in that sense, there is much hope, for her, whereas there really is none for a narcissist. That was a huge relief to me! However, I also researched the compatibility, of our two signs (Scorpio happens to be my son Jay's sign, as well.) Some sites said that the two signs could get along, quite well, but more often than not it was said that they are not really compatible. (My beloved cockatiel, CeeBee, who had am extremely close relationship with me, was, also, a Scorpio, but, maybe astrology doesn't apply to nonhuman creatures.)

From The 3 Zodiac Signs You’re Most Likely To Have A Toxic Relationship With (bustle.com): "When two signs come together that don't fit, it can be toxic," Jaye, an astrologer with Gifted Astrology, tells Bustle. "Your Sun sign attributes will play strongly into how you get along with other signs . . . ."

The 10 Scorpio Personality Traits to Know (prepscholar.com) says that "The Scorpio personality is often misunderstood due to their intensity and their tendency to be harsh. . . . They have . . . demanding personalities . . . . Scorpios have a tendency to lay in wait, collecting information and trust until their time to strike. Scorpios need to be aware of some of their harsher qualities, and so do those who have Scorpios in their lives. Scorpios feel everything intensely, including jealousy. They are quick to be jealous since they think their determination and intelligence entitle them to get what they want. They have a hard time not comparing other people's achievements with their own, and think everything is a competition. When someone else gets something the Scorpio desires, we know they can be jealous. But on top of that, no one holds a grudge like a Scorpio does. They take betrayals personally and setbacks seriously, and may often find themselves resenting others for perceived slights. Scorpios like to be in control. Their fierceness and intensity means that they think they know what's best, and the people in their lives will often find themselves under the Scorpio's thumb. Scorpios also hate being controlled by others, and need control over all situations. . . . don't like compromise. They are set in what they think and like, and are not easily convinced to try new things. . . . sharp tongue . . . .  . . . The Scorpio in your life may come across as harsh or critical, and this is an inevitable part of the Scorpio personality. Learn to understand where this behavior comes from; it's very likely that it stems from their own insecurities about themselves or about your relationship. [To Scorpios:] Work on forgiveness. . . . Learn to let go of small infractions. This will help you maintain relationships, and also teach you not to be so hard on yourself."

There are two expressions that come to bear here, as I describe my sister and my relationship with her: "Actions speak louder than words" whether good or bad and

In the case of, our relationship with one another, this is a double-edged sword. In both of her visits, to my new home, when I moved here (within 'striking distance' of my family members, again, which is stressful enough, for me to try to handle), Pam's lack of acceptance of me, just being who I am, came through, clearly. This was traumatic, for me, when we were around one another, in person, again. I felt like she was gripping the entirety of the situation so tightly in order to control the narrative, and therefore to an enormous extent ME, that I did not feel free to say what I needed, or wanted, if it differed in any way from her overarching takeover. While I did my best to make it as pleasant an experience as possible, for us both, this situation kept me from feeling mentally relaxed, or emotionally safe, enough, to express my own thoughts and emotions inside MY OWN HOME! THAT is a REAL PROBLEM, and is something that I cannot allow to be done to me; by anyone. My HOME should-- and MUST-- ALWAYS be MY SAFE SPACE, where, I can be MYSELF. There is no point, to HAVING a home of MY OWN, FINALLY, if I am TRAUMATIZED here, by such SCENES***, as Pam pulled-- BOTH, times-- that she came to visit.

 

The second and last visit was-- appropriately enough (since, it FELT like a type of TERRORIST ATTACK, on me)-- on 9/11. It took me, at least, a full month before I felt like I was over enough of the emotional trauma that her words and behaviors caused me, to not feel that I was still stuck in a traumatized emotional state from that being inflicted on my soul by her. It was deeply distressing, and damaging to me. It is complicated by the fact that I also saw when we were together here that we, genuinely, do love one another. However, she seems to act as if that BOND of LOVE ALLOWS HER to TREAT ME THIS WAY. That, BECAUSE she KNOWS for SURE that I LOVE HER, she USES, my love, for her, as a weapon, against me, by acting like a bully toward me, but expecting that, because of my love, I will simply allow that from her. She is VERY WRONG ABOUT THAT, though. Which, I PLAINLY TOLD HER, when she suddenly pulled this crap on me when she was here the first time. Taking advantage of someone's love, they have for you, by using it against them, in an effort to try to control them, is a form of abuse, I believe, and I won't allow ANYONE to EVER abuse me, in ANY way, EVER AGAIN, in my life. NOR SHOULD I!

On Twitter, my Pinned Tweet, which is my 'signature' expression of MYSELF, says: 

That, sums up, WHO I am, WHERE I'm coming from, and WHAT my priorities are!

This post is difficult to do, for the same reason that I put off writing it when I was getting the blog posts about my family members done, much earlier on, than this. I didn't feel, then, and I, still, don't feel, now, that my relationship with this sister is at its end. I feel, in my spirit, that there is more to come in our story with each other. I say that, because it seems to be true; not because I have any motivation, or plan, of my own, either way, to cause it to be one way or another, as far as the outcome. I love Pam more than any other person on the planet, besides my son's father, Jim, who is the one man that I will love forever, my son Jay, and Jim's wife and Jay's stepmother, Linnea. There are no other human beings, in my heart, that even come close to the love that I feel for each one of them. (However, I did, and do, still, love my cockatiel, CeeBee, more than anyone, and everyone; except, for God. CeeBee is the ONLY one on Earth who's loved me unconditionally. God is my life, my everything, and my ALL-IN-ALL! Ref. 1 Corinthians 15:28 Amplified Bible) However, even if speaking only in astrological terms, for generalization purposes, this relationship with Pam has a mountain of challenges to climb if we are both to be able to enjoy interacting, with one another, and having each other in our lives. It is not at all easy-- especially, since 'the fallout', from our visits here, in August, and September, deepened the divide between us once again, and has left us both wary. I am not smiling, about the, overall, situation, as it stands right now; and I am concerned that I won't be up to taking more risks, going forward, by allowing her back. Whether, that is, into my home, or my, actual, everyday life, here, now.

Her recent behaviors have left me extremely 'gun shy', about exposing myself, to her, and being 'rewarded', for that HUGE RISK, with MORE OF THE SAME. I CAN'T HAVE THAT. I told her, the first time she was here, I won't allow disrespect of me. Yet, she behaved even worse, toward me, the second time she was here. Clearly, she is testing me, pushing the limits, like a child who's pitching a tantrum; which is actually what she did, during the September visit. It was mouth-dropping stuff! So, as of now, we are, at an impasse, and I am perfectly able to leave it this way, because I will NOT be treated like that-- EVER-- but ESPECIALLY, not in MY HOME. I am fully prepared to return to No Contact, which is basically what we're back to, anyway, at this point, and, a real relief, to me; if she doesn't reevaluate priorities. There is no middle ground with this crap. She WILL treat me with RESPECT or we are back to permanent No Contact, with one another. She must decide which one matters more to her. I was not 'pining away' for family, at all, during the previous 15 years of No Contact, because these people made it SO NOT WORTH IT to have them in my life-- making me MISERABLE. That's not something that I need NOW!

 

When Pam first contacted me after about 15 years in June of 2020 to tell me that Mom was in poor health, she soon needed my cooperation and supportiveness, to accomplish all that she had to, as the Executor, of Mom's Estate, when Mom died, soon afterward, on August 10. I am sure that Pam would have to, honestly, say, I was there for her in every way that I could be, during the somewhat lengthy legal process, that she was now responsible to fulfill, on our mother's behalf. All of this was new to both of us, as far as dealing with a Will of a deceased relative of ours. I was in Omaha throughout all of this, and Pam was in North Carolina. There was also the Covid-19 pandemic and I was in quarantine trying to stay safe, alive and well, during this dangerous situation (which is still going on, with no end in sight, as I am writing this blog post). I prayed for Pam's safety as she traveled not only for her job, but also to the city that Mom had lived in before she passed away, to take care of all that. She made several trips there, as she obtained a lawyer, and  a realtor; learning to navigate the legal process which was required of her, to sell Mom's house, as well as, sort through, and decide, what to do with, our mother's belongings. I did not envy my sister, having to do all that. I felt helpless, living in Omaha, during all of that, but I sent her emails and texts, letting her know that I was supporting all of her efforts during this difficult time. Some had cartoons that  I hoped would bless her, with a smile, or a laugh. Others, were often messages of encouragement, to let her know that, I 'was there for her', as much as I could be.

Below are some of the emails and texts I sent Pam; setting aside, my preference, for No Contact with family members, because it was obvious-- even if only due to all the legal papers that I, also, had to sign, for this to be resolved for everyone's sake-- that, for this to go as smoothly as possible, for her, I needed to be helpful.

I went beyond the basics, of that, to be, supportive, affirming, and loving, to her. 

Mon, Aug 10, 2020 at 11:21 PM

I appreciate that you are taking care of business on her behalf. Let anything about me involving that be the very least of your concerns. I have had to learn how to rest in God’s Grace, through a lot of things, in this life. Occasionally I have a lapse, in that, but overall I have learned to trust God well enough that patience isn’t my own virtue, by any means, but a reflection of my absolute trust in the Lord, His Will, and His Timing, “so that [I] may prove [for myself] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for me].” (Romans 12:2)

Deb

P.S. If you come across any photos of my son, Jay, and his wife, (Eliza)Beth, at all, and they are not designated for someone else, or to be returned to him, or his Dad and (step)Mom, I would like to have those, if that is alright.

Mon, Aug 24, 2020 at 4:45 AM

Hi Pam, You have been in my thoughts a lot lately, because I know you are shouldering all this. God bless you for that.

My reluctance to provide an address becomes a moot point, if the attorney or clerk of court will put it on paperwork they THEN provide you copies of! If that is what will happen, then I’d may as well just give it to you, anyway, and PRAY YOU DON’T BETRAY ME, too. When I was just coming into this apartment, I started attending a spirit-filled church with a prophetic prayer team, none of who knew me at all. I went to a private prayer session with them, silently praying that God would speak to me through them. One of the things they said, in my private prayer session, was that I have suffered greatly from BETRAYAL in my life. Boy, is THAT an UNDERSTATEMENT. I already struggle EVERY day with OCD, and an anxiety disorder, as a result of such things. I AM TRYING MY BEST TO HEAL! I cannot TAKE ANY MORE BETRAYAL, or ABUSE, from ANYONE. I. JUST. CAN’T. . . . I CAN’T.

Please let me know if they can handle my address privately, or if they are only going to give you copies of the documents anyway, with my address on those, because at that point, I will have to put my trust, in your hands, along with my address. I THINK I CAN do that, but you are ALSO FAMILY, and that is a FEARsome WORD, for ME. I see, in your emails, that you are TRYING TO UNDERSTAND where I am coming from. I TRULY APPRECIATE THAT, from you. Thanks. – Deborah

Mon, Aug 24, 2020 at 1:36 PM

As I read that--- all that you are going through, yourself, with all this, and your need to get back to your own home, tears filled my eyes, for you, and all that you are having to deal with! As I have never been involved in any such legal matters--- only divorce(s)--- I had no idea about all the hassles involved, in this stuff. Here is my address for you. I pray that you make the appointments, that you need, ASAP, also, and return safely to your home, in time, as well. I have been concerned about you being out, and about, through the pandemic, as well, as you take care of these things.

None of this estate stuff will matter, if you get sick or worse, while doing all these things. I hope you are taking ALL the necessary precautions to protect yourself!

Mon, Aug 24, 2020 at 3:29 PM

Saw this just now in one of my Facebook Group’s postings, which I turn to for smiles and laughs (which are very healing). As it was about children selling their older parent’s house, I thought I would send it to you, as you are in the midst of that very thing right now--- and might need a laugh, too, right about now. – Deb

Wed, Aug 26, 2020 at 5:17 PM

With all of this on your shoulders, I have wanted to be supportive, and have been. Even just sending the 'smile' from one of my Facebook Groups, because I imagine that you have needed one, lately. But, reconnecting has meant that I have had to go way beyond my own comfort zone, with these (family) interactions, especially because of my providing my very personal information, including my actual address. This has left me enormously stressed, and jumpy, to the point that I find myself unable to relax and feel trusting, about it, on top of what I am trying to deal with already, as far as the pandemic, health issues of my own, landlord frustrations, politics with the crucial upcoming election, fast approaching, (I HATE TRUMP) etc. >sigh!<

It is a hard thing, for me, my whole life, that, for me to try to be compassionate, and helpful, toward others, has meant, more often than not, that I am forced to make the decision to 'go beyond' what feels safe, and less stressful, for me. I have often sacrificed for the good of the other person. When I have gone ahead, and done that, for others, despite the cost to my own personal safety, or peace of mind, I have been left with much regret, more often than not, for doing that, for them, due to the added stressors to my life, from that, that I have found to be extremely difficult for me, to process, and deal with. I am feeling alot of apprehension, right now, because of these 'family' contacts, between us. My anxiety level has become extremely high, because of it, too, when it has already been quite elevated, anyway, because of the pandemic, and politics, especially.

Even though I have several, holistic, approaches, to my trying to manage all that, because I am NOT a person that prefers living life medicated, in any way, any more than I can help, it is nevertheless a very oppressive feeling, for me, to be trying to deal with these things that almost feel overwhelming to my mind and heart! I am DOING MY VERY BEST, with all this, and am TRULY HOPING IT HELPS you to get this situation completed and behind you, as soon as possible, because it is ALOT ADDED ONTO YOU, that I am sure you don't need, or particularly want, in YOUR life, EITHER.

Thu, Aug 27, 2020 at 11:48 PM

Pam, Thank you for the info. I haven’t prayed, at all, about the estate amount to me. I have only prayed TWO things, regarding ALL this, so far: That God helps me to DEAL WITH THE HEARTACHE, and emotional conflict, I am experiencing, with the NO CONTACT/NEED CONTACT thing, that will go on awhile, now. And, I was VERY CONCERNED that YOU get home ASAP, and safely, because often hurricanes end up bringing a lot of rain and even wind to NC after they make landfall in the east and/or south, and I did not want you traveling in those conditions; especially as vehicles can be blown over on the highway and especially if your car would be around 18-wheelers--- they blow over easily; as do RVs. When you emailed me you were FINALLY HOME, I felt A GREAT SENSE OF RELIEF AND GRATITUDE TO GOD for THAT. I also SMILED when I read that, because there IS ‘NO PLACE LIKE HOME’, and you were finally THERE--- which you had REALLY been NEEDING and WANTING.

You have always been a person of great personal integrity, so I don’t doubt your character or intentions AT ALL. Just as it sounds like YOU are doing, I often will put others ahead of myself, in things; whether or not I--- or YOU--- NEED to, or even SHOULD.

As I read this more detailed email, from you, I could see much more about all that you are dealing with, with this--- which I ALREADY THOUGHT WAS A LOT, ANYWAY. I have NEVER DEALT WITH anybody’s Will, before, or any of this you are having to learn, and deal with, now.

For whatever it is worth, I am VERY PROUD OF YOU. You are juggling A LOT, and handling some very DIFFICULT things WELL, on TOP OF ALL THAT.

You are an AMAZING PERSON, Pam, and I am SO PROUD OF YOU! - Deb

Mon, Sep 14, 2020 at 2:49 AM
Hi Pam,
I didn't even think you took 'a long time to answer' me, at all! I realize that you are working, have a husband, home, and family, and are in the same pandemic I am in, plus you are trying to settle Mom's Estate. I was actually shocked that you got back to me as FAST as you did! You are kind of like SUPERWOMAN, to me, right now. I looked over the 7-page letter you received as guidelines, about being the Executor, and I was overwhelmed--- FOR YOU!!!--- as I looked at it. I was too tired, just LOOKING at it all, to even actually READ THROUGH IT, tonight. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU! GEEZ! It is OVERWHELMING. GOD BLESS YOU as you DEAL WITH THAT.

Tue, Dec 29, 2020 at 9:19 PM

My dearly beloved, precious Pam (and this is NOT said in SARCASM--- it merely REFLECTS HOW MUCH I DEEPLY LOVE YOU!), I realized after I sent that email, about notarized items, that it was somewhat unfair of me to state it like I did, as it spread some of MY stress, about Laura’s coming here and suffering her health conditions, in the cold, to YOU when you DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG to CAUSE that one straggler Notary item. I apologize for that coming across to you in that way--- as a criticism of you. I didn’t mean it to be, but I agree it likely sounded that way. I was really just expressing concern for Laura, but in doing that, I SEEMED to show LESS concern about YOU. Laura is my FRIEND, but YOU are my PRECIOUS PAM---- that I rather ‘adopted’ as my OWN special one, from the time you were born. (When the Lord finally Leads me to do the blog post about YOU, since you are the only family member I haven’t yet done the post on, that will have to be included. That YOU are the ONE I have ALWAYS LOVED THE MOST--- BY FAR!) I failed you by making it sound that LAURA was perhaps MORE IMPORTANT TO ME than YOU are, which is IN NO WAY TRUE. You are RIGHT TO ASSERT that this whole process, that got dumped on YOUR shoulders, to have to deal with, is something that you had NO PRIOR EXPERIENCE DOING. I have ALWAYS TOLD YOU HONESTLY that I am VERY PROUD OF YOU! But, NOT JUST FOR how you have dealt with all this--- with SUCH GRACE AND PERSEVERANCE!!!--- but BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON! I don't KNOW ANY PERSON that is a BETTER HUMAN BEING than YOU are! Please forgive me for seeming to say that you in ANY way CREATED A PROBLEM for me. The SITUATION has, only because Laura isn’t even supposed to COME and DO THIS notary stuff AWAY from the bank, she initially told me. So, I worry about getting her in trouble, etc. But, if she indicates she can’t/won’t come the second time, I can find another notary who can come to my apartment. It can still get done . . . .

REST ASSURED that I will not be ‘mad’ at YOU, or be critical of you IF another form needing NOTARIZATION DOES COME UP, with this or anything else in the future. I KNOW that you are ABSOLUTELY HANDING ALL THIS to the BEST OF YOUR ABILITY, and . . .

You have done a MUCH BETTER JOB with it all than I EVER COULD HAVE DONE. I can state that for a FACT!

I TRULY AM ENORMOUSLY PROUD OF YOU--- with NO reservations about that!

But, MORE than THAT, I think you are TERRIFIC!

And, I am SO BLESSED that YOU ARE ‘MY’ PRECIOUS PAM!

Love, Deb

P.S. WHATEVER COMES UP; whatever you need, regarding settling this Estate or ETC., due to it all, PLEASE KNOW that I DO ‘HAVE YOUR BACK’, and AM, and WILL BE, THERE FOR YOU! 

Sun, Mar 14 at 3:08 PM

Do NOT feel pressured or obligated, in ANY way, to RESPOND, just because I email you, though.

I want you to be getting some MUCH NEEDED 'ME' time, especially after all that you have had on your shoulders these last many months (longer, really). I MUST have MY 'me' time, so I KNOW how VITAL it is, to living a happy, healthy, life.

Besides, I am ALWAYS thinking about you; so, if you tried to match that much energy, that I send your way, on a daily basis, you would almost have no time for anything else!

I hope you have a great week!
You are always in my thoughts and prayers!
I love you lots!
Deb

(This is another one of the cartoons I sent her with my email:)

When the sale of Mom's house was about to go through, and my sister, Pam, was really agonizing over, whether the buyer's offer was, as good, as we could get, or she should wait, and hope for a better one to come along, I knew that she was in need of someone-- who had something at stake, in all this, too-- to let her know, that she was doing her best, for all of us, and that this was all that could ever be expected of her with this situation. So, I texted some affirming words in a simple sentence, to her, which were just like those in the emails above; and she replied:

Thanks. I needed that right now. (Tuesday November 17, 2020 1:15 PM)

Now, I honestly had NO idea whether the actual sale price WAS the BEST that we could get for Mom's house, but I knew that Pam had done THE BEST SHE COULD, with it, and that HAD TO be GOOD ENOUGH, for all concerned, as NO ONE can do any MORE than THAT. So, I SUPPORTED HER, during this very trying time for her. 

Even after, Mom's Estate was settled, and I had left Omaha, to move back to the Carolinas, on August 20, 2021, I texted this, to Pam, on August 26, 2021 (which was almost a week after seeing one another face-to-face, following a decade and  a half of No Contact. She and her husband, my brother-in-law, had met me here, at my new home, to unload the truck, that I had rented, and driven from Omaha. It was also texted to her after she had pulled the first scene here around my new neighbors; totally unprovoked, and uncalled for! I had trusted that she had taken to heart my telling her-- on the day that she did that-- that I will not allow her to disrespect me, and clearly, I believed that it would not happen again. (But it did.)

I said, in MY text to HER:  

You are an amazing person! I think that all the time. I seriously don't know how you do it- or when you sleep! I love you for who you are tho- not [for] what [you] do- but both aspects of you [are] impressive. . . . Love you lots! Deb 

Now, part of the reason, that I worded it that way, was because, during the many months that Pam and I were, emailing, texting, and calling, back and forth, which was because, we were in one another's lives, again, due to Mom's Will and Estate, I was very honest with her, about the mental and emotional struggles which were causing me such stress, on my end. Still, I complied, with every request, that she made of me, dealt with all of the legal documents that I had to, which sometimes compromised my safety because of the Covid-19 pandemic, and my having to get some of those notarized, by other people, and all, of that-- an real act of courage, and care, on my part, since, what I NEEDED was to be No Contact with the family for MY sake. Yet, during ALL that time, and ALL those things, something that Pam did toward me, once, told me ALOT, about her mindset, in regard to relationships. It worried me, and made me sad. For her, and for me. While, no two people think exactly alike, I knew that this was something that was so foreign, to my mindset, as far as how I evaluate (the worth of) people, in my life, and interact with them, that it could derail our relationship. When it happened, it stopped me, cold. I also felt a bit manipulated or used. I had 'loved on' Pam by affirming her for WHO she WAS as a human being. BEFORE she had accomplished anything, and ASIDE from all that, AFTERWARD. I didn't praise or affirm HER for ACHIEVEMENTS or 'reward' her for those things. So, it REALLY STOOD OUT TO ME, when, the ONE time, that SHE told ME, I was "awesome", was RIGHT AFTER, I DocuSigned the FINAL legal papers, to COMPLETE the process of settling Mom's Estate. She also called me to simply chat, that evening, which, wasn't something she normally did, with me, or for me. When we did talk on the phone, it would be combined with her also doing something else at the same time, which I could usually hear over the phone. She IS a VERY busy person, with a FULL life. But, I also never felt that, our talks were something that she wanted to do; enough, to make THAT her priority, sometimes.

Focusing on one another, opening up to one another, being loved for who we ARE, instead of tolerated as long as we, kept quiet, didn't want a deep connection, and didn't interrupt the TV shows, that were always on and apparently a priority, over any of those 'close connections', have always been severely lacking, in our family, and something that I was STARVING FOR, as a little girl, growing up, in that type of family culture. I barely got ANY affirmation for ACHIEVEMENTS from my family members (which was the ONE fleeting 'crumb' Pam was giving me now), but way worse for ME, was NEVER feeling LOVED or AFFIRMED simply for being who I AM.  I felt like a dog getting a quick pat on the head for fetching something my master wanted me to bring them. It was very disheartening, for me. Pam never gave me any such compliment, before, or after that, in my entire life. Which, is also why it stood out, so starkly, to me, when it did happen, that once, that day, and for that reason it was said. I wondered to myself whether she could find any real value, in knowing-- or loving-- me, for WHO I AM. The, toxic, family patterns made it seem doubtful and I felt apprehensive about my not returning to the protection of being No Contact, with these people. I had expressed the truth of my love for my sister, and she said that she loved me too (which I truly believe she does), so, I took the big risk of staying in contact with her, despite still being No Contact with everyone else; to this day. I have been a sucker, for the "Love Conquers All" ideology, and I should STOP that, once and for all, based on, the MANY times I've APPLIED THAT, to various types of relationships in my life, and it HASN'T WORKED OUT that way.

As stressful as this was, for me, I also knew, it really was now or never to try to have, a, healthy, relationship, with a family member and Pam was the best of the bunch. She was the only one that, I considered, risking, this, with. I've, had to have counseling, due to the damage done, to me, from these, toxic, family patterns and I was living my life in No Contact,  with this family for very real reasons. I, am 65, now. There is less of my life left, now, as well as, less energy, to spare, for me to also have to spend more time recovering from this go-round with Pam, if it should not go well (which, I already saw some Red Flags for). It was a huge compliment to her-- this risk for ME-- and she had to know that I had not only love for her, but faith in her, due to my willingness, to deal with something so difficult, for me. It took ALL that I had!

One of my Twitter friends shared the link to this article online. I agree with all that it says: 5 Things Childhood Trauma Survivors Need in Order to Heal | The Mighty . I also completely comprehend what people said, after reading it, in the Comments (Conversations) that follow it, on their website. Vicki Peterson did an excellent job of describing what deeply traumatized victims of these dysfunctional relationships need-- including ME. Where, this has fallen apart, again, with Pam, now, I believe is caused by her lack of understanding or awareness of, or indifference to, how all this has deeply affected me, and her lack of compassion toward me, as who I am, now, largely as a result of all this crap my family members have done toward me. It appears that, Pam's never educated herself, in understanding how to deal with, and interact with, a trauma survivor, which I am, not only due to being victimized by, being made the scapegoat for, our childhood family of origin, from the time, I was, a very little girl, but because, I have, also, been raped, terrified by domestic abuse, sexually assaulted (not just while in the military), and other heartbreaking horrors. She expects me to be able to handle, toxic types of behavior, that I went, No Contact, BECAUSE OF! In Vicki Peterson's article, I identified two, main, things I HAVE TO HAVE, in any relationship, with anyone, to even be able, to REMAIN, in the relationship. Once I moved back in close proximity to Pam-- starting, the very first visit together, in fact, when I was, at my MOST vulnerable, for victimization-- her, respectfulness, toward me, and the understanding, that, she had been, giving me, when I was still in Omaha, vanished suddenly, and with a vengeance that was alarming, to me, because, that came, suddenly, out of nowhere! She showed such hostility, toward me, that I think it sprang from some kind of resentful jealousy, of me; although, I have no idea WHY that would be. The FACT that Pam WAS able to NOT treat me in that way when I was still half a country away, from her presence, clearly demonstrated that, she was MAKING A CHOICE, to do this, to me, whether consciously, or subconsciously, once I had completed the physical commitment, to move back, within driving distance of where she lives. It HURT, ALOT, to SEE, and FEEL, her BETRAYAL-- which, this WAS, because with all the stress she was under, in a sustained way, during the many months of settling Mom's Estate, she NEVER, ONCE, treated me this way. I am sure that is because, she knew, at some level of awareness, that I would never have stayed in contact with her, or moved back, at all, to this part of the country (or else, I would have moved back, but not allowed her to be a part of it), if she had even HINTED at the POSSIBILITY that she would do this to me. Just by how everything has played out, and the timing she chose to pull this, on me, is proof that SHE KNOWS THIS IS WRONG, to do to me! She just cares MORE about feeling like she is 'winning the battle' than stopping to consider that she is LOSING THE WAR. And, what she is BATTLING for, is CONTROL. Of ME.

I will ALWAYS, opt to go, No Contact, if being treated badly is the only alternative!        

These are excerpts from Vicki Peterson's article, that are specific to this problem, with Pam [the italics, are mine, to draw attention to things Pam is doing, to me]: "First and foremost, survivors of trauma  need to get  far away from anyone who creates stress  and disharmony  in their  present  environment. No other healing  can take place until and unless the current environment  is free from people who lie, cheat, manipulate, blame,  rage  or show poor impulse control. . . . It is extremely important for[trauma survivor]to not feel controlled or manipulated by anyone in her immediate environment. Child trauma survivors do not respond well to authoritarian, 'my way or the highway'. . . . Abusers are by definition controlling,  manipulative people  who twist facts  around  to  suit  them. Survivors of abuse need to be supported in reclaiming their own power." The last sentence sums up why, Pam's excessive need to control everything and everyone around her, is so bad for me! She is so, overbearingly, strong-willed! She is, very blessed, to be given the husband that she has, who is more-than-willing to, allow her, to tell him what to do. I have no idea if he's just a true saint-of-a-man or has been so pussy-whipped for so long that he GOES ALONG TO GET ALONG with her, JUST TO KEEP THE PEACE between the two of them. She did mention that one of her son's hasn't been speaking to them for awhile, and won't open up to them as to why. The first thing that I thought of when she told me that is that if he simply wants the autonomy, and atmosphere in his life, to think for himself and do as he thinks is best, in his life, then it's entirely possible that he has to avoid Pam to be ABLE (as in ALLOWED, by her incessantly domineering personality) to actually do that; at least, without impunity. You see, it isn't just that, Pam very-nearly-insists on CALLING ALL THE SHOTS, that she thinks she can get away with doing. She is EXTREMELY QUICK to BECOME PUNITIVE-- in a VERY HOSTILE way, which comes without warning as her temper explodes in your face and leaves you reeling from the rapidity, and shocked by the sting. She is quintessentially Scorpio, to be sure.

Her longsuffering spouse, who is too nice and forbearing toward her, to ever even call himself that, in regard to her, offers explanations, despite her horrendous and harmful outbursts, that are actually (unapologetic) excuses, for her; which left me marveling at whatever his motivation might be, to enable her to carry on this way toward himself and others; which unfortunately has included me. I see alot, that I don't say anything about (at least, at the time) and I watched her posturing to be seen as, always, being the loving, caring, nurturing, wife to him, and sister to me, which her actions would normally attest to, as well, due to that generosity, toward us. The trouble, with that is, that she also UNDOES HER OWN REPUTATION, in the moment after all that gracious-seeming generosity, when I voice my own thought, or opinion, preference, or (dare I say it?) need, and whatever it is doesn't happen to be 'Pam-approved', setting off, a resounding retaliation, that MAKES ITS MARK, and LEAVES ONE, too-- on MY SOUL! It is a sight to behold as she ups the ante in her behavior, in a 'no holds barred' display of temperament, that is clearly coming from a control freak who is determined to not allow a word, or a thought, that she is not okay with. Yes, indeed, SHE WILL MAKE SURE, that YOU ARE SO SO SORRY for EVER saying or doing ANYTHING that SHE is not HAPPY with. Avoid her wrath! It was pure 'SHOCK AND AWE', for ME, as I watched the one-woman-FIREWORKS display go off in MY NEW HOME, which is SUPPOSED to be MY SAFE SPACE, in life.

So what EXACTLY happened? I will share those details, now. This ISN'T a black or white situation. Pam, is a WONDERFUL WOMAN, in MANY WAYS-- very selfless, in the sense that, she is, almost always, 'doing for others'. Including me! She made my lifelong Heart's Desire-- to have a HOME OF MY OWN (and a brand new home too!)-- HAPPEN, FOR ME. Not only, through her diligence, in settling our mother's Estate, and making sure that I got what Mom's Will had allotted, for me, but, she contributed to the cost of the house, so that, between all that, and the thousands  I had also saved, on my own, over time, I was able to pay cash and move in debt free. At 65, and living on a small, limited, income, I would likely never have been able to afford my dream-come-true, without, Pam's help and input. God bless her for that! I have begun to suspect, though, that her constant busyness might have some ties to her self-esteem issues that she battles as her own personal demons. If she is always thinking about others, and staying busy-busy-busy with that, she can avoid, thinking about herself, almost, entirely, But, introspection is necessary, to come to terms with oneself. To accept oneself. No one's perfect nor can be. But it seems that, for my sister, she somehow thinks that if she can, just keep a, tight enough, grip, on the people, and the situations, in her life, in order to control, the narrative, and the outcome, as she so wishes it to be, and desperately wants it to be, then she will be loved and adored by everyone for being so wonderful (which, SHE TRULY IS!), and she can protect-- not only, herself, but those of us that SHE DEEPLY AND FIERCELY LOVES (including ME). It feels like an emotional 'embrace' that chokes the life out of me, though. In that tight grip of hers on my soul, I am NOT FREE-- to BE ME!-- to say and do and think and act on WHAT I NEED TO, for ME. There is as much self-protection in her behavior, however, if not more, that is masked as concern or care for others. Nurturing others outwardly can actually be  a sign of latent hostility if she cannot also allow the 'targets' of her care the grace to BE WHO THEY ARE, THINK FOR THEMSELVES, and EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONS! Pam tries to bend everyone around her to her will, that she thinks that she can. I, am a very independent person, who has lived alone, for decades, and apart, from the, pressure, or influence, of family. I am also intelligent, compassionate, caring, and not only prefer, but insist, that I live my life authentically. Thinking for myself and expressing myself as the-- unique-- individual-- that God, created me, to be!

The following, is from an article [https://soulsalt.com/how-to-be-your-authentic-self/] on living life authentically, which is very important to me. BEING who I AM.

"Authenticity means having a keen awareness of who you are and what you stand for, and expressing yourself honestly and consistently to the world. . . . Because it’s those seemingly small moments, the things you say, your decisions, your actions, that add up to who you are. . . . If your time is dominated by other people’s priorities, of course you will feel you are not living your truth. . . . you may need to walk away from those unhealthy relationships and toxic situations if you want to live a more authentic life.

Authenticity Means:

Speaking your opinions honestly in a healthy way

Making decisions that align with your values and beliefs
Pursuing your passions
Listening to the inner voice guiding you forward
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open-hearted
Setting boundaries and walking away from toxic situations"

That means, expressing my own ideas, and feelings; which my sister seems to be very threatened by, since, she constantly strives to keep me under her control, by coercion, to stifle my FREEDOM to simply express myself, as who I am. It DENIES me a, basic, human right! I think that this is, a two-sided coin, with her. That Pam does this to completely enclose those that she loves with a fiercely protective love that is, also a tightly run prison where the loved one is denied access to their own freedom of speech or preferences and the ability to decide, or do, what feels right for them as who they are, and what they need. When someone, such as my sister, is, outwardly, supportive, and nurturing, but, that becomes a basis for their being, hostile, and controlling, it is a cruel relational Bait and Switch. That, duress, is not something that I want, need, or signed onto, when I gave her the big compliment of my not returning to No Contact with her so that the two of us could continue to be actively engaged in one another's lives, in a relationship, together, after Mom's Estate business was completed; when, it was no longer a necessity, requiring that.

I learned, growing up, to be, very wary, of the family pattern, of giving, monetary gifts that seemed to be some extension of showing care or concern but came with strings attached. What I had experienced of that, left a bad taste in my mouth, to where the first thing I felt whenever that happened was, "What's the catch? What is the, unspoken but implied, expectation of me as you give this supposed gift, of financial support?" So, when Pam, mailed me money, toward the purchase of this new house, I felt shocked at receiving that, but even moreso, I felt apprehensive. The message, of such things, from family, seems to be, 'This has strings attached so you are expected to show your gratitude by allowing us to behave however we like toward you irregardless of how that treatment, by us, makes you feel'. It has been something at the very core of the family pattern, of scapegoating me, which is something that I have sought to escape from out from under, for my whole life. Pam could afford to give that gift; but I cannot afford, to endure, being the object of irrational hostility, or being blamed for the sins of these other family member's, so they can avoid facing up to them, for themselves, and accepting accountability for them. This is precisely what had driven me to the desperate decision to finally go-- and stay!-- No Contact. Family members putting me into, and keeping me in, a position of, my being cast as unloving, or ungrateful, in their narrative, about it, for my fleeing (from being made to be the family scapegoat for them) even in the face of, their (outward appearance) being loving, and supportive, toward me. Pam will be 60 years old, next month, so I had, fully expected her, to have spent some time (especially, over the last 15 years, when, I was No Contact with anyone from my family of origin) evaluating these family patterns, herself; and whether having a relationship with me was worth it, to her. Enough, to decide, not to continue the toxic interactions, but to make the relationship a safe place for, both, of us, where we were each free to interact, in an honest, and healthy, way, and also, as equals.

For me, there was no way that it would ever work otherwise. I wasn't agreeing to engage in dysfunctional family patterns, again, when moving forward with Pam in our relationship, with one another. There IS NO 'middle ground'; only 'either', 'or'. It was, an ominous sign, of trouble brewing, when Pam began to try to cancel out and override my, honest, healthy, valid, expressions of who I am, her first visit to my new home on August 20th. I have learned, over the years, including, through getting counseling, that my relational instincts are both sound and quite accurate the large majority of the time; no one being perfect. So, I TRUST my reactions in interactions with others. That is an extremely important skill to have, for anyone. But for a former victim of domestic abuse which nearly killed me, it is also a very necessary, mental, emotional, and, physical, survival tool. It is, essential, for me, to advocate for myself, and to protect myself, from all forms of harm from others. A seemingly small Red Flag, can be perched atop an enormous relational iceberg! So, I stay diligently attuned to such things, in a protective posture; to proactively protect myself, from anything, from anyone, getting out of hand, toward me, and causing me harm. One thing the family also did to me was deny that, what I said, or felt, had any validity. Even more frustrating and painful if that is even possible, was their 'correcting me', both for expressing my emotion about something at all, and for the content of it. Admonishing me, for articulating my true feelings, while making it clear, that-- whatever, those (EVER!) were-- they were not 'acceptable'.

Yes, Pam had, generously, given me money, toward my new home. She had come to unload the truck, which, was a, very, difficult task, to be sure! She had brought groceries, and things, to make it a smooth start; THAT WAY. Things to show LOVE as she chooses to demonstrate that, which does not necessarily resonate with me in the same way, because, other, factors, can, greatly, affect, my perception, of it. For example, my family, has NEVER SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND that, ALL, of those THINGS, do not-- EVER!-- make up for the DAMAGE DONE when they TAKE AWAY my ability to, honestly, express my own thoughts, and emotions, in healthy ways; and, they withhold, offering me, any, affirmation or affection, or comfort. Instead, chastising, and silencing, me, by criticism, and harsh reactions, to minimal things. The usual chilly or over-the-top family reactions, are done precisely to squash my freedom to live authentically, because, for whatever reason, that is so threatening to them. This is a family that not only walks around the elephant in the room, but they do all they can to try to force me to navigate around an entire herd of them!

The person that Pam would need to get to know and be around, if she were going to be integrated into my actual life now, was who I was being. But it became clear very quickly that she was not accepting of me AS ME. THAT was NOT going to cut it. While, I was going out of my way, to be accommodating, I expected to be able to also express my own needs and wants, as well, in a respectful interaction. Pam did not give me that. She wasn't accepting me being ME. She was 'correcting' me to BE someone, something, OTHER THAN THAT, that SHE APPROVED OF. That was unfair, and unacceptable, to me. It was clear, to me, that the, only, reason, that it did not happen to fall apart within minutes of our coming together, after 15 years, was because I was benignly allowing Pam to take control, from the first moments, in order to make this big day, for me, of my finally owning my very own home, go as, smoothly, as possible (but, for HER. >sigh<). I was, going along, to get along. That became a big mistake though, because there was no place to turn around on this relational highway, and I found myself 'stuffing it' alot, of the time, to be sure that Pam felt comfortable; at my expense. This was MY new home. MY safe place. Only, it already didn't FEEL like EITHER, of those, precious, and necessary, things.

      

I had never been to this town before the night that I finally arrived here driving a 26' rented, diesel, moving truck, that I had to climb up, to get into; from Omaha, Nebraska, halfway across the United States, with, all, that I owned, in this world, inside it. While I was 'existing' in the apartment that I lived in for the last 4 years prior to coming here (which was written about in last month's blog post about my landlord there, and was a miserable place for me to be in physically, mentally and emotionally), I searched the internet-- the world wide web-- for, a better, answer, for these latter days of my life. Somewhere, happier, healthier, and more hopeful, for me. At 65 years old, I saw my strength, and stamina, were noticeably waning, now, and that I would therefore become less and less able to do such a major life change, the longer that I waited, if I were ever going to do this at all. Desperately needing a better, brighter, future, I brought my needs before God and cried out to Him for His Leading. I am pleased to say that, He brought me here; confirming it, again, and again, to this present day (which, has helped me, to know that, during the disappointments that have also been here, for me to have to deal with, which are inevitable, since nothing is ever perfect). God, is Who brought me here, using people, and circumstances, to accomplish His Will for me. More than my mother's Estate settlement from her Will and Pam's assistance, or anything or anyone else, this was GOD'S ANSWER for my heart cry, to Him. I pray it will be a safe, healing, place, for me, but it did get off to a very rocky start that I wasn't at all sure that I could deal with, including because of the genuine trauma that Pam inflicted on my soul. Some people (including her) try to bully me, because I choose to lead with a tender, loving, heart (in spite of the fact that, if unleashed, I have a TRULY SCARY TEMPER, when, I am PUSHED TO MY LIMIT, with peoples' pure BULLCRAP). I have been MISTAKEN for someone who is WEAK, or lacks INTELLIGENCE-- NEITHER, of which, is TRUE, ABOUT ME, AT ALL. I do my best to treat people with great grace, as I did with Linnea when I entrusted my beloved baby boy to her arms, to be his mother, going forward, to give him a better life (at my expense, since that price I 

paid was SO HIGH FOR ME!). I gave Pam the great gift of grace from the moment we saw one another here, to my standing silently (like Jesus before Pilate) as she berated me, in an angry outburst, before simply storming out and taking any way for me to have my say, in the conversation, out the door, with her; before sniping at me with a text message, after that, which I also couldn't deal directly with in a two-way talk, furthering rendering me unable to have equal say in any exchange.

Lana Horowitz @HorowitzLana
They say life is too short to hold grudges... I say life is too long to be letting people get away with the same shit...  ~Unknown~

Pam had demonstrated over many months that were very stressful for her as she settled Mom's Estate, that, she was fully capable of behaving respectfully, toward me and, allowing, me, to have, as well as voice, my own emotions, and thoughts, about things. So, when she almost immediately started to NOT treat me that way now that I was back around family (her and her husband) again, I KNEW that she knew better than to do that, toward me; she was simply indulging her own selfish agenda, to GET, in control, BE, in control, and STAY, in control, of the situation, of our relationship, with one another. Stifling, MY having ANY say, in the matter, ALL, that she could. She had come into this reunion thoroughly assured and convinced of my deep love for her and how she responded, to the great gift of that, was that she, unabashedly, took every advantage of that, by BULLYING me, to comply with doing things HER way, or be sure, be VERY sure, that there WOULD be a PRICE to pay. I arrived here feeling more vulnerable, in many ways, all at once, than I had ever felt in my life. I had been worn down to the point that I despaired of life and was struggling, to have, any motivation, to go on, during the 4 years immediately preceding my arrival here. My only hope had been coming across this place on my computer-- which was an IMPOSSIBLE DREAM, for me, before God began to move in the situation, making it possible for me. It was the new home of my very own I had always wanted, since I was just a little girl. This, was, the desire of my heart!

I had found it online, researched it online, ordered it online, and moved to it sight unseen, on August 20th-- the same day Pam's presence, physically, reentered my life. I had delayed, leaving Omaha, by a couple more days, after the truck was all loaded up, for the long drive, because of pure physical and emotional exhaustion! There was highway construction all along the way, causing me to sit still on these highways, as if, they were parking lots, due to, how backed up, and slow-moving, the traffic was, because of all that. It was my first time reentering the world from my living secluded in total quarantine, in my apartment, as much as I could, as I tried to survive the, truly terrifying, Covid-19 pandemic. With my age, and health conditions, I am at much more risk of serious illness or death, if I should catch it.  I felt like, I was risking my life, every time, I had to stop for gas for the truck, go to the bathroom, or get something more substantial to eat, than the snacks I had brought with me. I was determined to get here, to have a better life for myself. It was harrowing, for me, however. I slept, just, a few hours, in the truck, without a way to get comfortable doing that, because the passenger seat was filled with my houseplants, which wouldn't survive in August heat, in the back of the truck, from 9 AM, or so, on Thursday morning, to 10:30 PM, or so, on Friday night, which was when I finally got here. I had just come through all of THAT when I first saw Pam.

Since, I had never been to this place, in my entire life, I had Googled a list of the various highways, that I needed to get on, to find it, and got on the road, toward my future destination, that God was Leading me to. I did pretty well, all in all. I'd thought I had missed one road change, so I briefly doubled back, to realize that I hadn't; and once I had actually gotten all the way to this town, where I live, now,  I had so much trouble seeing well in the dark of late night and due to my fatigue, that I came within just a few blocks of it, without realizing, how very close I was, to my new home, so I had turned around to go to a gas station I had just passed, parked, and called Pam's cell phone, to tell her I had finally arrived after so many different delays. She and Steve had left their home to meet me here, after I kept them posted, on where I was, along the way, each time I stopped to get gas, and such. Within a few minutes their car pulled up alongside the big truck I was in, in the darkness, and Pam and I set eyes on each other for the first time in 15 years. They led me to the place, and the drive was so narrow, that, coming in, the truck had nearly tipped over, onto its side (which was, VERY scary, with me INSIDE it!), when the tires went off the dirt drive into a ditch, which ran alongside the road. I was tired, and disoriented due to the newness of this place and the darkness, but this new chapter was about to unfold, for me, ready or not, so, weary as I was, I smiled, and did as I was told. Not only, was the man who was selling me the new house, meeting us there, that late at night, for me to sign all the paperwork, so I could get the key and move in, but from that very first moment, of the sale, Pam was thoughtfully and exuberantly having me pose for photographs holding up the sale document, and so forth. The man that sold me the house took pictures of us as well. Then, because I couldn't see well, at all, in the darkness, and had caused the truck to start tipping over on its side, when I drove into that ditch, beside the road, the man that met us drove the truck over to the house and parked it where it would be safe, and out of the way, of traffic. Had I not been, so very tired, with overloaded emotions, within me, for so many reasons, I would have done, at that moment, what I-- Deborah-- would have, just NATURALLY DONE, if left to myself.

As the man walked with us up to the front porch of the house, I would have been sure to do a walk-through-inspection with him while it was empty and easy to see all of it. I, actually, would have done that, if I had been by myself when I arrived, BEFORE I handed him the Cashier's Check paying in full for the house! I am used to living in apartments, and the FIRST thing, a landlord always does, when a new lease is signed, and the key is given, to the tenant, is hand the tenant a, Move-In Inspection Sheet, to go through the dwelling and carefully inspect it, making note of anything that, is damaged, or not in good condition. At the time, he seemed to look a bit surprised, after escorting us right over to it and I didn't ask that of him. I realized that, later-- like, THE NEXT DAY. But, at the time, Pam had been telling me, as soon, as we got to the porch, with this man, with us, to, 'Stand in FRONT!' 'Now, STEP INSIDE, so you're the FIRST ONE!', etc. I was so TIRED, and she was so happy FOR ME, that I just went with it; whereas, if I were, on my own, then, I would never have let that man, that sold me the house, get the money first thing or get away before we had walked through the house, together, and assessed the condition of the dwelling. That would prove to be a big mistake-- not doing it that way-- when, I went to the bathroom, that first night, closing the door, because of my brother-in-law being here, and saw MOLD, along the bottom, of the bathroom door-- of my BRAND NEW HOUSE that I had JUST PAID FOR IN FULL and OWNED now. >Sigh!< I have lived here for 8 1/2 weeks, now, and I STILL cannot, finish, unpacking, or settling in, because of that issue not being, fully, remedied, yet. He had said, there is a warranty, with this house, but, the people sent, to honor that, did the bare minimum, at best, and now I have to come up with $1,700.00 of my own money for contractors I finally hired to do a much more thorough job with it, after I had life-threatening respiratory issues, living here; which risks, voiding the (apparently, fairly useless) warranty, as well. I don't want to get sidetracked, with all that, here, in this blog post, which is about my sister, Pam. However, had I not been focusing on, following all her directives, for how I came into this, on the day that I arrived, I most likely would have automatically defaulted to my much more serious and careful way of moving into a new place-- proactively getting on top of any issues, from the very start. I feel like I would have had a better outcome, if I had done that, when I moved in here. I also KNOW that Pam ONLY did that out of HER DEEP LOVE FOR ME, and I am deeply honored and touched, by that. God will take care of the rest, of this. Since He DID Lead me to move here, it will work out with this house and its issues; somehow; sometime. I have absolute faith in GOD!

Pam, Steve, and I, ate some very late supper, while sitting on the floor of the new house, and we went to bed, also on the floor. I had thought for sure that Pam told me, they were coming up 'for the weekend', which, I believed to be Saturday, and part of Sunday, before they headed back home. But Saturday morning, before we began dealing with the contents of the truck, which, took, the greater part, of the day, Pam told me that they were going back home that evening. That meant that, we didn't ever have a chance to really visit, with one another, because we were in different places, most of the time, after Pam told me to begin putting things away while they brought in my belongings, from the truck. (I KNEW, what a 'challenge', that truck was going to be, since, I had to PACK ALL OF THAT UP, myself, and had dealt with it, getting loaded up, in Omaha, by a moving crew, that I had hired. I'd told Pam that, I really thought, I should also hire a moving crew, on this end, too, to unload it all, but, she wouldn't hear of it; so, we didn't. As she and Steve came and went with loads from the truck-- a, TRULY, Herculean task, in the August heat and humidity, I struggled to get things put away as quickly as I could, to get them out of the way, for more, coming in. However, there was two, of them, and one, of me. So, by the time they got the truck emptied, they wanted to take me to turn it back in, to the company that I rented it from, right then, so they could go home. I did not feel comfortable, leaving the remaining boxes, out on the porch, though. I felt rushed; but, had been accommodating their changes in plans, though, as best I could. Until this moment. I was not upset; I was concerned, so, I voiced that, to Pam. I said, to her, in a, very, quiet, conversational, way, that I just did not feel it was a good idea, to leave these things, out on the porch. I knew there was such a thing as 'Porch Pirates', in general, and I'd learned from the website for this place, that, strangers often drove through this development, just to see what it might be like, who did not live here. As, I stood my ground, on, this ONE decision, that was made by ME, since, Pam, had arrived, and joined me, here, I opened each box, as quickly, as I could, to see what was in them, and most of them were irreplaceable things, that meant alot, to me, that I wasn't willing to put at risk of getting stolen, or harmed, in some way, by being left outside, as we drove off to return the truck.

For MY own sense of safety and security, I NEEDED to put those boxes INSIDE the house, before we left, to do that. They, were the ones, that had let me know, out-of-the-blue, that they were only staying the one day, not two, and I accepted that they needed to do what was best for them. My response to it had basically been a very loving statement of disappointment at this unexpected news, of, "Oh! I won't get to spend much time with you, then, since we'll be busy unloading the truck all day, and then you will be gone!" THEIR, change in plans, was the reason, we were all, so rushed, and tired, now. I had RESPECTED, and DONE MY BEST to adjust to, their needs, ever since they got here. Everything they suggested, directed, asked.

Now, I asked for this ONE thing, which was to get these last boxes INSIDE, of the house, before driving off, out of the area (which was A BRAND NEW TOWN to me) and Pam's immediate, reaction, and response, was to put her hands on one of the boxes, and with a SHOVING motion of it, toward me, and her eyes flashing with a very sudden, and intense, anger, at me, she raised her voice, at me, sharply, and said, very forcefully, "FINE! BUT, I WON'T HELP YOU!" and she walked off, to wait for me to finish doing that. The rest of that 'visit', if you could even call it that, as we went to turn the truck back in to the dealer, leaving it in the lot because it was after business hours, and, they drove me back, to the house, before leaving town, Steve interacted with me, but Pam pouted. She had little to nothing to say to me, as a show of (and a punishment for) her displeasure, with me, for taking the time to meet a NEED THAT I HAD, after jumping through ALL THE OTHER HOOPS she'd DIRECTED ME TO DO since she had arrived. I LOVED her. I was TRULY GRATEFUL, for all their help. I had told them, these things. (I also gave them some things, to take with them, to keep, or give away, both times, they were here. Not junk; nice things. So, it wasn't just a one-way street, with them doing all the giving to me. I was very generous, with what I had, to offer them, as well.) But, all that does not excuse how Pam was treating me now. After pulling that at the house-- where my new neighbors hadn't even MET me yet, and ALREADY, they might WONDER, what I was bringing, to their neighborhood-- my sister pulled a bigger scene, too, as we stopped at the dumpster on the way out to throw some trash away that was in the rental truck. Sound, REALLY CARRIES, CLEARLY, and FAR, in this, often-very-quiet area. The only sound, when Pam was doing this, was HER, DOING THIS. This was selfish of her to put my reputation, as a brand new member of this community, at risk, because of people hearing her, making a scene, and connecting her with me. 

She had gotten madder, at me, when, she pulled the scene, about not helping me get the boxes inside, and, because we were obviously making my first MEMORIES in my NEW HOME, I had looked at her, so sadly, when she'd defiantly shoved that box toward me and said she wouldn't help me, and said, as a reality check to her, "I will always remember, your doing this, to me, now." It was not, a statement of, my intending to hold onto a grudge, of any kind, about her bad behavior, that was breaking my heart, right now. It was simply a fact. The truth. ANY memories we'd made together, of ANY kind, would, naturally, ALWAYS STAY WITH ME, because of the SIGNIFICANCE of this day. Being around family, again, which was SUCH a BIG risk, for ME, and-- SURE ENOUGH-- was ALREADY NOT GOING WELL. Moving into a BRAND NEW HOME-- of my very own!-- after WANTING THAT, for my whole life, and not having ANY way to EVER have that; until GOD, began to make it possible; even through Pam. My statement, was simply, the recognition, that, how, she was treating me, would, certainly, now, always, be, woven into the memories, of these first HOURS in MY NEW HOME. Instead of sharing that sadness, with me, about it, Pam had only gotten even angrier-- at ME-- for stating, this OBVIOUS TRUTH (my family has NEVER been fans of the TRUTH, but spend alot of, time, and energy, to circumvent it, deny it, manipulate it, and as Pam was doing now, RAGE against it).

When we went over by the dumpster, she had raised her voice at me again, in the otherwise quiet evening, furious with me for saying that I would always remember these moments with her. I felt so much love for her, even then, but I also couldn't ALLOW her to even THINK that THIS IS OKAY, to TREAT ME THIS WAY. I said, in a hushed tone, "Pam! THIS is my new HOME, and SOUND REALLY CARRIES A LONG WAY HERE! DO NOT DISRESPECT ME! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!" Then, she made an excuse to 'go help her husband' (who I had observed her basically bossing around while they were here-- and him seeming to act very used to that), and she walked off from me, as I said, to her, with a suddenly full awareness that THIS is going to be how she THINKS that she can TREAT ME, "THIS conversation, is NOT finished!" She said little, to me, after that, when I had to ride back to my house in their car. Steve's phone rang, and he seemed very uncertain, as if he did not know what to do, about that, until Pam, said, to him, very curtly, "Just ANSWER it!", and he did. While, he was on that call, I said something to Pam, from where I sat, in the back seat directly behind her, about something that I just saw as I was seeing this new town, that I had just moved to, for the very first time. Her RESPONSE, as she sat right beside Steve, who was driving, was louder than the one sentence statement that, I made; which was, a, strict-sounding, admonishment-intended, "SHHHH!"

There was no love in that. It was harsh, and haughty. It seems to me that, Pam's, self-esteem, issues, cause her, to be, more than willing, to demean someone, that she is, in some way, jealous, or resentful, of; which, for whatever reason, appears to be ME. I was not some 3-year-old child strapped into a carrier, in the back seat, of this car; and it was a very disrespectful affront, to my dignity, and worth, to be, HISSED AT, in that way, by her, as if she were, some type of, venomous, reptile. I am also, very well aware, that she would never have tolerated my doing it to her!

I didn't contemplate going back to 'No Contact', after that first visit, from them. I DID, however, EXPECT, Pam, to have TAKEN TO HEART, my TELLING HER-- in, NO UNCERTAIN TERMS-- calmly, and clearly, that, I would NOT ALLOW HER to TREAT ME this way. She will be, a SIXTY-YEAR-OLD, SENIOR CITIZEN, in a MONTH, from now; so I am certain that this is a concept that she SHOULD be ABLE to GRASP. I was TRULY FLOORED then, when they came back for their second visit-- on 9/11, appropriately enough-- and, she behaved EVEN WORSE, than she had, the FIRST time, they were here! It LITERALLY, left me, SPEECHLESS-- although, THAT didn't even MATTER, since, when, she BLEW UP AT ME-- YET AGAIN!-- she ALSO walked out-- in a HUFF, AGAIN-- making, ANY response, from me, IMPOSSIBLE TO DO at the time (which, as I was now learning, was apparently her standard pattern that she employed as a, very effective, part of her tactics, that were meant to, control me; which, she seemed-- desperately-- intent, on achieving, with me). I realized, that I was dealing with a CHILD throwing TANTRUMS, instead of a rational, ADULT human being! I am STILL SHAKING MY HEAD, at what, she was, so willing, to put me through; knowing FULL WELL, that, I spent YEARS, going No Contact with this family BECAUSE OF SUCH BULLSHIT as THIS, that SHE was doing to me now (but ONLY after I had LEFT Omaha, and become more VULNERABLE to it, again, by my MOVING close enough, to be in physical STRIKING DISTANCE, of this dysfunction.

When they came for their first visit, a woman, who lives a couple of houses away from me, had told Pam and Steve, that they could park the moving truck over at the driveway of the house, which was not where the man who sold me the house had thought was best, to park it, when, he had that, as one, of the options. They explained to her that it was fine where it was, and they kept unloading the truck.  I was, inside the house, unpacking, and minding my own business. When, I went out on the porch, for a few minutes, though, at one point, this same woman, saw me, and she told me the same thing (and Pam told me they had already had this conversation, with her, and assured her they were fine unloading it from where it was-- which, again, was where the owner, of this development, had thought best to park it, for reasons that he would know best; due to a better understanding of the needs of traffic, through here, and other considerations that likely played into his decision, for that). So, now I also responded to her that it was okay as it was. But, she-- right away-- repeated it to me, a second time! To which, I answered a second time, that we were fine with where it was. When, she THEN said it, to ME, AGAIN, I said to her, more loudly and emphatically, with an actual explanation as  I sought to satisfy her nosey intrusion into my business (which was none of hers) in order to stop this cycle of her saying this repeatedly, by telling her that IT WAS PARKED THERE, BY THE OWNER OF THIS DEVELOPMENT, and HE, had felt, it was BEST to PARK IT THERE; AND that HE had done so after I had nearly TIPPED THE TRUCK OVER, into a DITCH, with me IN it, just the night before, and did NOT feel comfortable, therefore, MOVING IT from WHERE IT WAS, for THAT REASON, also.

With her, still, staring at me, with an unhappy look on her face, because, I wasn't doing what she KEPT SUGGESTING TO US, I turned and walked back inside, to do what I needed to be doing, on this day that I was moving into a brand new home. This woman had, already, told Pam and Steve this, and they had politely declined. Then, she had told ME, SEVERAL more times, and I had declined; each time, a bit more emphatically, in order to get her to JUST DROP IT ALREADY. Telling us once, was offering a possibly helpful suggestion. Telling us twice, might have been to be sure we understood, what she was saying to us; as clarification. Beyond that, this was an attempt, by this woman, to interject her CONTROL, into the situation, and  it had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER! The truck was on the other side, of my house, from the side that her house was on (diagonally down the street from mine), so it wasn't like it was blocking her driveway, or doing anything, in any way, to HER, or HER HOUSE, that she should be THIS CONCERNED ABOUT IT. Yet, as annoying as she was being, about this, it, of course, turned out, to be, just a foretaste, of her, constantly trying to interject herself into my personal business and even boss me around! Actually, telling me, what I could and couldn't do, when what I was doing was fine, and had, nothing at all, to do with her. She made my first week here, so miserable, that I cried, and actually asked God if I made a MISTAKE moving here. I had sensed that she was a problem person, from her browbeating me about the truck not being parked where, SHE THOUGHT, it SHOULD BE, and I turned out to be RIGHT ABOUT HER. I WASN'T IN HER BUSINESS. SHE, WAS IN MINE. I wasn't the one, being a PROBLEM; SHE was! HOWEVER, true to, the, family, dynamic, of scapegoating ME, no matter WHO, is ACTUALLY in the wrong, when I was back in the house, out of her hearing distance, just after that, and Pam was also in there, right beside me, I muttered under my breath, with, what was, an understandable annoyance, at that point, about this, controlling, woman, down the street, getting in my business and hounding me with her REPEATED 'suggestion', "I only told her THREE times!", to which Pam immediately admonished me, "Now, YOU don't want to start out on the WRONG FOOT, here, Deborah." I did not say anything, to Pam, when she said that, but it was NOT supportive of me or showing understanding of why that was annoying to me. My family has always done that to me to invalidate my thoughts and feelings about things. No consolation, or affirmation. CRITICISM. I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS. That woman WAS NOT. I wasn't the one that was OUT OF LINE, in the situation. The woman was. My reaction to it was normal.

When Pam and Steve came for their second, and last, visit, on September 11th, I did what any normal person would do when talking to a close family member or a loved one; which doesn't work with my family, but I tried, anyway, because it is a part of any close, and honest, relationship, and we would need to establish that if we were going to survive, and thrive, with this experiment of me being out of the protection, of No Contact, with them. I have NO desire, to participate in, toxic, or dysfunctional, relationships. With ANYONE. I WON'T DO IT. That has already, cost me, WAY TOO MUCH, in my life; and I'm TOO TIRED, now, to engage in that crap. My 'sin', that set Pam off, AGAIN, and even WORSE, than the FIRST visit, was my sharing with her how things had been going for me since I moved here. It was an honest account, of the joys and frustrations, that I was experiencing, and I spoke of that same neighbor woman, interjecting herself into my business so much that  I had cried, due to thinking that, I would be unable to have any peace, or privacy, or, freedom of movement, to do, and come, and go, as I pleased, and needed, as  a grown, 65-year-old, woman, who just bought her first home; to be able to have all those things be a part of living my life, as I always hoped and dreamed I could.

I had even picked up a stack of sticks-- fallen tree limbs-- from the lot, to clean it up, and was taking them to the dumpster, myself, when, this woman, had literally stood there, scolding me-- and in front of other residents; one of which called it a 'standoff'. She had a problem, with, my 'making work for the staff', by my picking up the limbs from the ground; saying, there was a 'special place' to put them that I couldn't go to, et cetera. She browbeat me about it, until I left them lying where SHE TOLD ME TO, by my driveway, just to GET AWAY FROM HER. A half hour later, the property manager happened to be going by, and I was out on my porch. I told him that I had picked that stack of limbs up and that I wanted to take them to the dumpster; asking his permission for me to finish that chore, that I had started, on my lot. He said, without hesitation, or problem with it, that I, absolutely, could do that. SO I DID. The woman, that neighbor, had gone to the, owner's, office, in the meantime, though, and, scolded me, AGAIN, when, she got back, from there, and saw that, I was, in fact, dragging those limbs over to the dumpster. As, I spoke of, my annoyance, about this nosey, intrusive, bossy, 70-year-old neighbor woman, I got no understanding or consolation or any such thing, from Pam, such as a good friend would give, in this kind of, honest, description of how life was going for me, in this new place. Pam simply looked annoyed, that I even wanted to tell her this.

Being used to sharing, life stories, and sympathy, with friends, of mine, as we are supporting one another, in our trials and tribulations, this was disappointing to me enough; that Pam offered me none of that comfort and consolation, for this stress I was going through with all these, major life changes, and adjustments, plus, the nosey neighbor, as 'the cherry on top' of all of that. As I said, my family has made me the Scapegoat, in our family, and made me the villain, the problem, the one to blame, even for things that, I was nowhere around, to have anything to do with. I began to talk about this, with Pam, as Steve sat there listening. I described how I needed to not always be the 'Go To' person to blame, for any situation, and I also asserted that I was not the one in the wrong, but the neighbor, clearly, was being a problem FOR ME, while I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS. I explained this, to Pam-- what I WASN'T getting, from her, that I NEEDED, in our relationship-- after her reaction to what I was sharing with her (which was very vulnerable for me, to start with) was to say to me, 'Wasn't it nice of this neighbor woman, that she had admitted she was doing this, to you, one day?', although it didn't CHANGE IT, and she CONTINUED, to DO it to me; making me feel like I was living under her nose, as she watched my every move, and felt, far too free, to interject her critique into ANY, and ALL, of it. It was daunting, to me, to hear Pam, give, the ONLY, positive, comment-- the only CREDIT, that, she gave, to anyone, between the TWO of us-- to this NOSEY NEIGHBOR for confessing to me that, she was apparently unable to control her impulse, to get in MY business, and STAY there! I got NO credit, at all, from Pam, for my managing to not tell this woman off, or tell her where she could STICK her NOSE, BESIDES in MY BUSINESS! If my friends treated me this way, or me, them, I guarantee we would not be friends anymore. People need the support and understanding, from friends, and family! If not, from THERE, then, WHERE?!?

Everything I was saying to Pam was in a calm-but-firm conversational tone but as I criticized the, bossy, neighbor, to my sister, and she defended the neighbor (who was not even THERE, to WANT, or NEED, that from her, LIKE I WAS), it struck me, that-- of course, Pam, would feel an affinity for this, extremely controlling, woman who was desperately trying to micromanage me and my life, and openly criticizing my actions; even when, there was NOTHING wrong with them; because SHE WAS THE SAME WAY TOWARD ME! As soon, as I used, my training, from my counseling sessions, over the years, to stand up for myself, and describe what I needed from her, that I was not getting (which was, to acknowledge, or accept, the worth, and validity, of my own thoughts and emotions about things, especially in my own life) and pointed out (shedding light, directly on) the dysfunctional family pattern, that she was still, operating in, with me, Pam blew up, at me, and told me off, and left. I had given her great grace-- lots of it!-- and I was asking her for that same grace toward me. Being an extremely controlling person, herself, though, her sympathy, lay with, the, very difficult, neighbor, and Pam went off on me, just after I pointed out that this neighbor woman had an extreme issue with CONTROL. It had clearly, HIT A NERVE with my sister, that I was UNHAPPY WITH and COMPLAINING ABOUT the very thing, that, she KNOWS, in her heart, She ALSO, has a real problem with.

With this youngest sister of mine, I had CLEARLY STATED that, I would NOT allow HER to TREAT ME THIS WAY. I WAS ON THE RECORD, with her, about it, from the start. So, the line had been drawn in the sand, and she had time to think back on her bad behavior, and decide what was most important to her-- the bullying me or the relationship with me-- because she was NOT going to be able to have BOTH of those things, in a relationship with me. When she stood up, crying, and telling me off, when I had calmly and conversationally stood up for myself, and asked her for what I needed that I wasn't getting from her, it truly traumatized me, and left me wondering if she was actually a narcissist! I don't think so, but the reason that I'd wondered was because of a narcissistic trait that causes them to blame the victim for actions, and behaviors, that THEY are actually perpetrating, ON THEIR VICTIM. Pam, did this, to me, that day of their second visit to my home. That so disturbed me, that, because of, all the bad memories-- emotionally, and mentally, ABUSIVE, memories-- that, she had, already, inflicted on my SOUL, here, in MY NEW HOME, (that is, SUPPOSED to be, my SAFE place; my HAPPY place in this world) I began, to think about, SELLING my new house, and just MOVING BACK to OMAHA. I was upset, for WEEKS, after Pam pulled this crap, on me. I wasn't smiling. As I looked around the house, flashbacks, of her bad behaviors, were causing me anxiety and agitation. My peace was gone. She'd ruined my, very first, memories of this place.

                                                                

I had TRUSTED her with my new home, enough to allow her into it to share WITH 

ME. I felt so VIOLATED, by her mistreatment of me. It was only about a week ago that I began to smile again, here, and come out of my protective shell, I withdrew into, because of being traumatized, by the bad memories, I have of Pam, that are in every room, in my new little house. I realize now, that I HAVE to go No Contact with her, again. It isn't that I WANT to. I HAVE TO. She was given a very valuable chance, for a real relationship, with me, but it needed to be, HEALTHY, and HAPPY for ME, too-- not just, HER GETTING HER WAY, and me 'stuffing it'; not allowed to speak my own mind, or express my true feelings, without her SNIPING AT ME in a BITCHFEST and then LEAVING to DENY ME the OPPORTUNITY to RESPOND or talk it through, with her, to reach a mutually satisfactory conclusion, about the path to go forward, together. She VERY CLEARLY SHOWED ME, what HER preferences and priorities are, and they have nothing to do with, making me feel affirmed, safe, or heard, in a relationship, with her. My family members always 'love bomb' me, with 'stuff', like the groceries, that she and Steve bought me, for here. My family gives me everything but WHAT I NEED THE MOST, from them, which is, acceptance, and affirmation, of WHO I AM, as ME! I can get, MY OWN GROCERIES! I had them, all, delivered, in Omaha, and I am doing that, again, here, now. Proverbs 17:1, says, 

"Better is a morsel with pleasure in peace, than a house full of many good things and unjust sacrifices, with strife." (Brenton Septuagint Translation) It is SO TRUE!

After Pam made a scene, and was accusing me of, and blaming me for, everything that, SHE was ACTUALLY DOING, TO ME-- by projecting, to deflect, accountability, from herself, and to, try, to put me on the defensive, to shut me down, so I would comply, with her (bullying)-- she, sent me, a text message, from her phone. (It is included in this post. I copy & pasted it below, just as she wrote it.) All of this that she was doing, sent a VERY CLEAR MESSAGE, to me, that it was CONTROL, of me, that she wanted, not RELATIONSHIP, WITH ME. She made sure that, after she had her say-- in a, very overbearing, and intense, way, each time, this happened, with her (which was ALOT, for TWO SHORT visits)-- she would remove herself from my presence, denying me, the chance, to respond, and get the facts on record; which told me, all, that I needed to know, about her willingness, or desire, to make, and maintain, a healthy relationship with me. Clearly, she did not want that. What she wanted, was what SHE wanted; especially, at my expense. And, MOSTLY, that was CONTROL. TOTAL. CONTROL. OF ME. OR ELSE! Or else she PUNISHED me. Or else she TRAUMATIZED me. Or else she made a scene, both, inside my new home, and outside, in earshot, of my new neighbors, to traumatize and, try to, intimidate me. Or else she blamed me for the exact things that she was doing, to me. Or else she would sulk and pout. Pam tries her hardest to 'rule and reign', in her relationships, with the, calculating, mindset of a strict disciplinarian who doles out either reward or punishment, to teach people, to comply, with her wishes-- through, the double-edged sword, that, she wields, of the, 'treats', or 'threats', they receive, based on, whether, or not, she is being given, her way, by them. I'd rather, just, do without! The treats, the threats, the dysfunction, the distress, the relationship, WITH HER.  I do not have any desire to put up with someone, treating me like, I'm ungrateful, simply because they chose to offer help or assistance, but I don't let them control me because of it, either. Guys tend to have that same mentality when they date a woman, which is why I don't date. I know that, after they've taken me to dinner a couple of times, and bought me flowers or candy, that they begin acting like-- and even telling me outright!-- that I 'owe' them my compliance with their wishes now because they did those things FOR ME. They, really, did them FOR THEMSELVES! I don't sell my soul, to anyone, for anything, at any time. It pisses some people off. 

One of the things, Pam wailed about, when she started telling me off, was that, I had said, in a conversation we had when I was still living in Omaha, that she had  a 'Pollyana'****-like way of characterizing things which was not something that I do. For myself, I prefer to be, realistic, and honest, about things; seeing them as they are. Not as I wish them to be, or through 'rose-colored glasses'. Seeing and accepting that there is, usually, both, good, and bad, involved, in situations. I am as affected, by my astrological sign, as Pam. I'm an Aquarius. We're independent and don't like being bossed around (which is Pam's strongest inclination = oil and water, with that difference), I need to express my individuality; and don't want to be in relationships with people who can't, or won't, allow me to be me, and might criticize me for just, being myself; or try to change my method of self-expression. Pam, did, those things, to me. Which, left me, frustrated, unhappy, and, stressed! If someone, can't accept you, for who you are, and are always trying to cancel, or correct, you, for being yourself, then it stands to reason, that they can't love YOU.

There is another name, for the 'Pollyana' mindset that Pam embraces. It is a term used by psychologists, which is, 'Toxic Positivity'. It is considered a negative term because, the person using that coping tactic, is so overly committed to seeing the good, that they don't pay proper attention to processing the bad, which is also an inevitable part of life on this planet. It is an, unhealthy, form of denial, masked, in the facade, of being a positive attribute, of one's personality, while it's, actually, a problem, in itself. Not just for the one doing it, but for those that it is thrust upon, as well. It censors what can be shared about what is actually going on in life, and prevents, full, honest, and open, communication, from taking place, for, both, the perpetrator of toxic positivity and the one(s) that they are pseudo-communicating with, by using, that method, of interacting. Toxic positivity, can be harmful. [From What Is Toxic Positivity? | Right as Rain (uwmedicine.org) :] “Toxic positivity  is  a way of responding to your own or someone else’s suffering that comes across as a lack of empathy. It dismisses emotions  instead of affirming them  and could come from a place of discomfort. . . . it’s important to pay attention to how you respond to someone’s  attempts to  confide in you. 'With toxic positivity,  we want to make someone  feel  better,  but it doesn’t typically  have the desired effect; it shuts the other person up,' says Kirkland. Shutting someone down — whether intentional or not— when they’re trying to share something difficult with you creates disconnect. You can’t bond   with someone   if you’re unwilling   to sit in their grief, sadness or anger with them. It can also  misrepresent you  to others,  making you seem hard to connect with or even a bit fake. If you have children, toxic positivity can impact your relationship with them, too. [Also,] if you keep  ghosting your own emotions, they’ll  keep  coming   back,  to  haunt   you,  until,  you finally  deal with  them.”

[From What Is Toxic Positivity? (verywellmind.com) :] "WHY IT'S HARMFUL- Toxic positivity can actually harm people who  are going through  difficult times. Rather than being able to share genuine human emotions and gain unconditional support people find their feelings dismissed, ignored, or outright invalidated." This is what Pam did to me, and this is how it made me feel. It was alienating, and not helpful. "It's shaming: When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid, but that  they can find  relief and love  in their friends  and family. Toxic positivity  tells  people  that  the   emotions  they are  feeling are   unacceptable."

[Below is the text message that Pam sent me, when she was here, for the second, and last, visit, on 9/11. She sent it, from, somewhere, outside, of my home, here, because, she did not come back to the house, to, allow, me to confront her, about her bad behavior, or mistreatment, of me, after, she pulled that, excessive, scene, and then, stalked out. My notes, about, what was, actually, going on, behind, the scenes, are included, below, as well; within the text. Those are in these brackets.]

"9/11/2021 4:27 PM Steve is on his way to take you to Walgreens. [Both Pam and Steve had gone, bike riding, together, after, Pam had told me off, in hysterics, and walked out, but I stayed behind in the house, because she had traumatized me so deeply, doing that to me, that I was too upset to even pretend to enjoy a bike ride in my new town with a volatile sister that snipes at me and then withdraws before I have any chance to respond, and a brother-in-law who then tells me that I have to HEAR THE WORDS, that SHE DOESN'T SAY, and IGNORE THE WORDS that SHE DOES SAY! Also, I was going to, get my second Pfizer shot, while, they were here, for emotional support, because, I'm so phobic about needles; but once Pam upset me so much, I was not in any shape to, also, try to deal with that injection too, so I didn't go that day, and still have not gotten that 2nd vaccine, as of now.] I won't be coming. I am really hurt and need time to sit before the Lord with all the hurts. I can't control  the filters  you take things  through, and it hurts  to be  accused of things of the heart that was not the meaning behind what I said.  I feel damned if I speak and damned if I don't  which doesn't leave me any space  to just be me. I feel like you want grace from me but there is none towards me. [These things she is listing as, what I did to HER, is ACTUALLY the EXACT things that SHE was doing to ME! Seeing her, flip that, around, on me, this way, in her text message, is what made ME wonder if she is a narcissist, because, that is a classic narcissistic tactic. I could make this post, EASILY, TWICE AS LONG, by giving many, clear, examples of what she is describing here being in truth what she was doing to me. I am also the one that stayed, in the conversations, to try, to work through them, together, and it is her that walked away every time, to deny me the chance to have my say or, to try, to reach some, FAIR, middle-ground, between us, where, I'm not afraid to say anything in my own home, like she caused me to constantly feel with her.]

Thank you for all the work you have done to get the upstairs ready for us, but we won't be staying tonight.   I need space.   I have taken so many hurts to the Lord over things  you have said  these past months  because I didn't think  you meant them  to be hurtful, so I take them  to the Lord. But the pile is big  right now and will take time. We get too many eggs, we bent a cord, i don't stay long enough, i say too much, not enough, i don't respond  to texts, i don't help  enough, I didn't come during the week to help with DMV...I love you, but I am not where I can try to figure out your filters and what I can and can't say or do or not do. I think it is unfair to look  to my words  and actions ,today  to heal past  hurts from  others." [I was speaking to her about, her, behaviors, toward me, in the conversation, we were having that day, while pointing out to her, that it was the same, toxic family pattern, I had to deal with my whole life, and that I would not allow it to happen.]

There is, SO MUCH, TO, UNPACK, about all this, that, she DUMPED ON ME, in this text; rather than, SIT, STAY, and, TALK THROUGH IT, WITH, ME. Which, I think, is because she doesn't want to BE FAIR TO ME, or acknowledge that there is TRUTH and VALIDITY, to what I am saying, to her. This is the kind of family member that, if you invited them to sit down with your mental health counselor whom you go to BECAUSE OF the FAMILY DYSFUNCTION and BEING MADE THE SCAPEGOAT (being blamed for what THEY ARE ACTUALLY DOING, etc.) that THEY WOULD NEVER GO! Their own BEHAVIORS, and TACTICS, show clearly that, somewhere, inside them, they KNOW, what they are DOING, and HOW they are treating ME, and they have NO DESIRE to BE HONEST or BE FAIR or RESOLVE IT together or STOP DOING IT. I didn't say MOST of what I thought or felt, because Pam made it clear she would not tolerate that honest communication, from me. I 'stuffed', ALOT more, leaving it unsaid, than I ever said to her-- by far-- but there also can't be RELATIONSHIP without communication! She, HAS to know, she hurt me, deeply, with things, she, said and did, but, there is NO MENTION, OR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, ABOUT THAT. I was, horrified, to see, how MANY, LITTLE, and LOVING, things, from ME, she was, HOLDING ONTO by HOLDING THEM AGAINST ME! It showed me, more than even her outbursts when I stood up for myself, and asserted my thoughts about things, that this experiment was DOOMED TO FAIL. Her LIST of PETTY GRIEVANCES is an indication of who was, actually, being unfair, to whom. By the way, it is listed as a Scorpio trait that this astrological sign nurses the smallest slights and sulks about such things, to their own detriment. She could be, the 'Poster Child', for this Sign!

Clearly she was extremely busy focusing on any negativities she could find with a microscope, about me, while, apparently, thinking that, MY leaving the protection of 'No Contact', for HER, was a simple, painless, thing for ME to DO! GEEZ! I will, say, that, TRUTH, is VERY IMPORTANT, to ME, and it seems to, TERRIFY her. So, I can see why what I say is so threatening to, or difficult for, her, and why she goes to such great lengths to stifle and/or silence my communications, with her-- since I AM SO HONEST. She liked my honesty, when, I was saying, she was AWESOME, but, she DIDN'T like my honesty, when I asked if they could bring some electrical tape with them, so I could mend my TV cord, after they left something sharp, and heavy, sitting on that cord, and dented, but not severed it, that way. (I wanted to put a covering over that wound on the cord, so that it wouldn't break through and become an electrical or fire hazard.) This is how FAR Pam would REACH to BLAME and DISCREDIT ME: the EGGS, she mentioned, in the text, refers to Steve buying me a carton of 18 eggs, the day I moved in, along with some other groceries they graciously gave me. Because they were really just getting to know me they didn't know that I don't eat eggs as eggs-- like for breakfast. I only use eggs to bake or make waffles or pancakes, etc. With me so busy, moving in, and getting settled, I had NO TIME, OR INCLINATION, to bake, though, so ALL 18 eggs were still sitting unused in the fridge. I am someone who hates to waste food, if at all possible, so  I felt sad, about that. Anyway, when they were preparing to return for the second visit, I was on the phone with Pam about that as SHE ASKED ME if I needed them to bring, any, this or that; like milk, or eggs. I SWEAR-- we were JUST CHATTING, AMICABLY, as far as I knew, in a conversation, about, 'Did I need anything?'. As I held the phone, with one hand, and opened the fridge with the other, I-- SIMPLY-- SAID, in ANSWER, to HER question. "I don't need any eggs!  I still have all 18, of the ones that Steve bought me, last time, you were here." THAT, was, a HELPFUL bit of INFORMATION, that she was ASKING ME FOR. It was NOT-- IN ANY WAY-- a CRITICISM-- and I KNOW that SHE KNOWS THAT! (Even for an easily slighted and sulking Scorpio; she KNOWS THAT!) I believe, this CRAP, is INTENDED, by her, to put me ON THE DEFENSIVE. I ALSO think, because she DOES THAT TO ME, that-- for SOME reason, that I can't fathom, given that she has a good life, and a much smoother one, than mine has been, by far-- SHE IS JEALOUS OF ME. Maybe, her OWN INSECURITIES leave her feeling vulnerable and she PROJECTS IT ONTO ME; making ME pay the price  for her misery, about herself, that has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME and IS NOT COMING FROM ME. "MISERY LOVES COMPANY" as they say. Her list of ACCUSATIONS AGAINST ME is LARGELY BULLCRAP. It's really pathetic, to go to THIS length to ATTACK and try to DISCREDIT someone that you SAY you LOVE. To ME, THIS is, just, another, ABUSIVE TACTIC. THIS ONE, for example: "i don't stay long enough" she LISTED in the text message as me CRITICIZING HER! Can you imagine being THAT UNFAIR and REACHING TO THAT LENGTH to lash out at me?!? When, they said, on Saturday morning, that, they were, only going to be here long enough to unload the truck, and then leave, after I thought, they would be staying, another day, so we could, really, VISIT WITH ONE ANOTHER, I looked at Pam with a sad expression, hearing this from her, and responded with a wistful comment that I was hoping they could stay longer! HOW the HELL can she count SWEET SENTIMENT as a COMPLAINT?!? HOW do you DO that to a sister that, left the personal safety, of her 'No Contact' lifestyle, for a, real relationship, with you, and you REWARD HER FOR THAT by TREATING HER SO UNFAIRLY?!? It is beyond me, how dysfunctional, Pam is, yet SEEMS to think, that SHE ISN'T AT ALL. Geez! 

It's late, and I'm tired, so I'm going to end this blog post, as soon, as I can, now, and eat a VERY LATE supper. There is always more to say, about the topics that I cover here, and Pam, may very well warrant another post, to delve into the email she sent me that was equally as damning of me as this text that she sent me; as well as equally A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT. I won't waste time with it, here, and now. All things, taken together, though, I know, that Pam will play the, Godly Christian martyr, sister to what she will portray as the complaining, ungrateful Deborah but  I think that I documented enough, in detail, in this blog post, to clearly show you, what a load of CRAP, that is. >sigh!< We are BOTH, Christian. We BOTH, love the Lord. We BOTH have, QUALITIES, and FAULTS. But, I VALUE and EMBRACE Truth, and it THREATENS her; and she wants to KEEP ME IN THE ROLE OF 'SCAPEGOAT', which my dysfunctional family has put me in, and kept me in, since I was a child! I'm NOT doing that anymore for them. Meaning, I won't make myself available to them, for them to do that to me, IN PERSON, DIRECTLY, like PAM is doing, to me. They WILL continue to cast me as that, to the day that each one of them dies; no doubt. But, I am, going back, to No Contact, with Pam (because, that, is the best decision-- given how she is treating me-- that I can do, for me) and therefore, by his association with her, Steve; who I DO also fault, for his ASTOUNDING defense of her, which, ENABLES, HER, to BE, this bitchy, to people (INCLUDING, TO HIM.) This last week, here, I was glad to see that I can, FINALLY, smile, again, after she had so traumatized me that I seriously contemplated moving back to Omaha, and selling this house. I know that, to KEEP my smile, I CANNOT BE AROUND FAMILY. 

One last thing, before I go, to eat, my hamburgers, at 2:30, in the morning!-- A VERY LATE, supper, indeed! I referred to, "a Love Language", in the title, for this post. Below are two websites about the '5 Love Languages'. I took that free test, that their website offers. It was very helpful, in identifying what people can do to help me feel their love, for me, if in fact they're trying to be loving, to me, but in  ways that don't register, or resonate, with me. I recommend that, everyone take this test, as gaining more self-knowledge benefits both us, and our relationships.  My Primary Love Language is, "Quality Time", the test revealed, to me; with 2nd and 3rd place Love Languages tied at the same percentage. Those are "Words Of Affirmation", and "Physical Touch". "Acts Of Service", is ranked 4th, for me, as it refers to someone doing things like that to show me their love. The, 4th and 5th ones, TIE IN to THIS blog post, because those 2 are what Pam, and other family members, 'Love Bomb', me, with, unsuccessfully (meaning, it does not, in itself, make me feel loved and it doesn't BUY ME or coerce or guilt-trip me into staying  in unhappy, unhealthy, relationships with them, when they do that with me). 5th is, "Receiving Gifts", from people. That, scored, ONLY 7%, for me-- a VERY LOW, SINGLE DIGIT, SCORE. It shows part of why I feel 'bought' by family and I resist and refuse that feeling, when I am, otherwise, UNHAPPY IN THE RELATIONSHIP, enough to NOT WANT TO REMAIN IN IT. Also, even if you look at the two visits I had, here, from Pam, and Steve, they unloaded the truck, the first visit, and left, after that. So, we didn't have ANY "Quality Time" together; and the same for the 2nd visit from them. They went, and rode bikes, together, for quality time, after, Pam told me off, and stormed out, traumatizing me, when, I was trying to share, what life was like for me-- good and bad-- in this brand new place because THAT  is EXACTLY what I do with my friends-- and THEY do, with ME-- that FORMS, the STRONG AND LOVING BOND, that we share together, and each enjoy, as friends. 

I don't know how any good relationship, can exist, between two people, without, affirmation, emotional supportiveness, and honesty. And, a sense of humor, too! NONE, of those things, are things that, my FAMILY MEMBERS, have provided me much-- if ANY!-- of. They, almost always-- 99%, of the time-- give/send MONEY. That leaves me feeling 'bought off' somehow, but still feeling unloved because of the emotional isolation, I feel, when dealing with people that are, terrified of the truth, rarely show a sense of humor, won't engage in, vulnerable, or meaningful, conversations, and, really, refuse to discuss anything deep, or, of real substance, or significance, avoid emotional closeness, are quick to admonish, and judge, etc. Because I am better off without that I am better off without them, including Pam.

  

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

https://www.verywellmind.com/can-the-five-love-languages-help-your-relationship-4783538

* 'drink the kool-aid': To blindly follow, or believe something or someone without even questioning the facts. Refusing to acknowledge the real truth. Referring to an inability or unwillingness of someone to be persuaded out of believing obvious nonsense -- even when confronted with the facts -- often times out of a sense of loyalty to a group identity. Generally implies the complicity of an individual or a group of people in their own deception irregardless of whether or not they realize it.

** Flying Monkeys: When the narcissist wants to evoke some punishment on a target they dispatch their henchmen (aka flying monkeys) to do their bidding. Unfortunately, this can and often does include abusive behavior such as guilt-tripping, twisting the truth, gaslighting, assaults, threats, and violence.

*** Scenes: a public display of emotion or anger.

**** Pollyana: A person regarded as being excessively, foolishly, or blindly optimistic. The term is typically used in a negative way, to describe someone who cannot, or will not, consider or take into account the more serious ramifications of various situations.