Words fail me.
Normally, that statement, would make even me laugh, as I am, almost never, at a loss for words. That, is a good thing, for a writer; although, sometimes, the words fill up my head until I feel like I'll drown, in them, before I can transfer them, onto the page that I'm writing. Thoughts, descriptions, observations, revelations, . . . a snippet, of a poem, or song lyric. They come into my consciousness quickly, and if not seized there, can simply vanish into the universal consciousness, where I may, or may not, ever encounter them, again. I believe that creativity, in any form, has to be, captured, as much as, channeled. We often, hear songwriters say, that they don't feel they wrote the lyrics to their song, themselves, because it felt more like they were, being gifted with the words-- like a download, into their consciousness, from, something, beyond themselves. Today, is not, that day, where that happens, for me, though, with, my, writing. Right now, as I sit here, staring at this screen, I am thinking . . .
I GOT NOTHIN'.
Oh, there's still a LOT to say about my life and what I have somehow managed to live through-- so far, anyway. But, I just can't 'go there', right now. I've definitely been through some bad stuff, in my life, but even the worst of it doesn't compare to the sheer terror that, Ukrainians, are being exposed to, every single second, of every day, since the evil-intentioned intruders entered their homeland and began to kill civilians, including, little, children, and destroy structures, like, homes, and hospitals. I'm sitting here, shaking my head. I can't even fathom their fatigue. Or truly know, what this level, of trauma, is like, for them. Or, wipe their tears. I just keep shaking my head, in disgust that they are being put through this, and that-- sure enough-- despite, ALL, the, historical, and, hysterical, outcries, of, "NEVER AGAIN!" that go back for decades, since World War 2 ended, history is repeating itself, in plain sight, right before the anxious eyes of the whole world. Scary stuff!
I am not minimizing my own problems, in this post, by any means. Some of them have left me traumatized for life and definitely living life as a damaged soul. Even so, there is just no comparison, to the PURE HORROR of what is going on, now, in Ukraine. I honestly had to MAKE MYSELF sit here to write, today, because I would normally be watching the news, now, and, almost, nonstop, since this, nightmare, started. I even have literal NIGHTMARES about it, when I finally have to give in to sleep, which I try to put off, long enough, to feel as sure as I can be, that Ukraine will make it through the night as the free country that it is, and is fighting to stay.
I am starting to cry, typing that. EVERYTHING, IS AT STAKE, for them. NO part of their lives is UNTOUCHED, by this TRAGEDY. There are not words, which can even convey, how, despicable, and inhumane, I think Putin is. When, I hear people say, may someone ROT IN HELL, I always think it sounds so extreme, because every human being supposedly has a soul. I say supposedly because I just find it nearly impossible to believe that Putin HAS one. I, fantasize, now, about HIM, having to, endure, POISONING, and TERROR, and TORMENT, the very likes of which, HE has so, cynically, and callously, and coldly, bid Russians to do in his name. Even when some of them haven't wanted to, but did so under duress. He cares about no one. Not even, his own people. He has moved up, on my list, of people that I LOATHE.
For weeks now, I have spent most of my waking hours 'watching and praying', as the Christian religion teaches us to do. I've been watching the news, tracking the war in Ukraine, and also praying, that their, charismatic, and inspirational, leader, President Zelenskyy, stays alive, as well as praying for the safety of the Ukrainian people, praying that God sends a Heavenly host, of His angels, to surround them, and do miraculous intervention on their behalf, praying that God puts a righteous 'fear of God' in the attackers, and sends them running away, out of this, free, and once, peaceful, country, that they have invaded, for no good reason, praying that God does, for the Ukrainians, what, He did, for David, when, he stood up, against Goliath, and even praying that God KILL PUTIN. Wouldn't, the WHOLE WORLD, be better off, without, despots, dictators, and dicks? Unless someone as bad, as him, or worse, took his place, the Russian people would be much better off with a new leader, also. Someone that told them the truth, hopefully, instead of lies, like now.
I also know enough eschatology, to be, highly concerned, about, what is going on, right now. Yes, as a, Christian, believer, I look forward to, Eternity, with, the Lord. But, it doesn't mean, that, I'm in a hurry, to get there, either. Eternity, after all, is forever, and I still have some things that I hope to accomplish and achieve, in this Earthly life, before, my time comes. I know, my life, is in God's Hands, and that is fine, with me! It's also comforting. But, even the Apostle Paul spoke of 'nourishing and cherishing' our own flesh (Ephesians 5:29) which leads to being healthier and increasing our lifespan, normally. He also spoke of his feeling 'torn between' living longer in this life on Earth, and going Home to be with the Lord (Philippians 1:23). Because the nuclear capability is present to potentially destroy the planet, that we are all currently on, Biblical prophecies, of the End Times, come into greater focus as well. After, learning this, the hard way, in years past, I refuse to get into any of the, pointless, debates, however, about pre-, mid-, or post-Tribulation theories, as far as the Rapture and Jesus' return to Earth, because the bottom line is, NO ONE REALLY KNOWS the day or the hour (Matthew 24), EXCEPT God Himself. The Bible CLEARLY STATES that. NOT EVEN JESUS KNOWS! He simply, waits, in, continuing, obedience, to His Father, for when the time comes that He is sent to Earth, again.
As, a Christian, I was taught that 'the clock', for the END OF THE WORLD, started ticking as soon as Israel became a nation, which was May 14, 1948; and that, the generation, living, when this happened, would be the same one, to see the return of Christ. That, would be those of us, on the planet, right now, although the word "generation", has a varied number, of years, attached to it, depending on, who, is defining, that. If you, simply, Google that, you will see that almost every entry on the page has, decided on, a different number, of years, constituting that, from the others. Everyone, will try, to convince everyone else, why, THEIR, theory, or, their MATH, is correct; ad nauseam. It is no wonder, people, tire of, or avoid, 'religion'.
I could be cynical, at this point in my life, and say that, just based on the results of my life, so far, there's probably a high likelihood that it won't be long before, I will have to 'bend over and kiss my ass good-bye', as they say about what would most likely occur if nuclear war happens. A-- worldwide-- 'dark night of the soul'. One of the most utilized 'coping' traits, human beings use, is 'burying our head in the sand'; simply not dealing with something unpleasant, to us, through refusing to acknowledge, either, its presence, or, its possibility. Pure denial! People put on blinders, to avoid having to deal with something scary, far into the scenarios that led to World War 2. Not only did, doing that, not prevent that war, it allowed it to develop in the early stages, gain strength, then begin, outright, and continue, for years. I actually had well-meaning Christians say to me that I wouldn't get Covid just because I am a Christian and pray. There is a list of top tier Christian pastors and evangelists that got Covid and died from it by thinking that way. Foolish men. Jesus told us in Matthew 4:7, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” Although, I do pray, too, I believe that the reason I haven't caught this potentially deadly virus is because of wearing masks, avoiding crowds and indoor spaces, social distancing anytime I'm around other people and getting vaccinated. I have heard that, God won't do for us what we can do, for ourselves. His Word is also Truth, and it's our responsibility, to know what it says, and "rightly divide it". (2 Timothy 2:15) This means to correctly teach the Word of Truth. The Ukrainians are praying, and alot of us the world over are also praying, for them, but they are fighting for their country, often in cold, and snowy conditions, with every ounce of their strength and courage, with every drop of their blood and sweat, and with all available weapons, they can get their hands on. A real, David and Goliath, battle!
I, still, remember, the day at school, in ninth grade I believe it was, that we were ushered into this classroom that had a projector set up to show a film. At first we were really happy, because films were, usually, something upbeat. A nice change, from staring at the blackboard. When they weren't that, such as being something boring, to us, we snuck notes, across the room, to the person we currently had a crush on, because the lights were darkened in the classroom in order to show the film. The teacher, did not tell us, what the film was about. We took our seats. The lights went down, the film began and we sat there in silent shock at what we saw. News footage-- meaning that, what we were seeing-- with our own eyes-- for the first time, in our, young, unworldly, lives, was something-- REAL! THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! It was footage of the atomic bombs which were dropped on Japan by our country. Teenagers, are boisterous, and giggly, at that age, normally. None of us said anything, as we watched this horror. We couldn't look away. Suddenly the world that was little more to us, at that age, than going steady and getting asked to the homecoming game, by our current crush, became, very, large, very, scary, and, very, threatening. The teacher said nothing, for that entire class. As the film ended, and the lights came up, and the bell rang, to change classes, we filed out, silently, and sadly, still in shock. Our young brains, were trying to, grasp the idea, that human beings could-- and DID!-- DO THIS . . . to ONE ANOTHER! But, WHY? We, could not imagine, human beings being angry enough to annihilate someone. This world suddenly became a very sad, and sobering, place, to carefree children.
One of the 'lesser' results, of being nuked
A child's tricycle, after a nuclear bomb was dropped
This precarious planet has pulsated with wars ever since the Garden of Eden, but somehow, humanity is still here. God's AMAZING Grace, is the ONLY explanation. Even so the Bible does say that there will come a day when this world WILL pass away (Matthew 24:35). What the actual tipping point will be could vary from the continuing global warming making it uninhabitable to a mutually destructive war.
Can you imagine, heading to the kitchen, for a cup of coffee, and this happens?I have been through some truly traumatizing events in my life, that have damaged me and made me hard to deal with in ways, and therefore, less 'lovable' as well. It is what it is. I am a, living, breathing, testimony of God's Grace, that I'm even still WANTING to LIVE. Many people including those who have been through less than I have, in their lives, did not survive, through either circumstance or choice. My own brother killed himself-- shooting himself in the heart with a gun while on the phone with a young woman, that was a friend of his, but, had a boyfriend, that she loved. Unable to handle his heartache anymore, after 40 years of 'Friend Zone' rejections, by females, my brother took his own life but made her listen. I hate to think of the emotional trauma, that this, poor woman, was left with, for the rest of her life, and possible guilt, although, it was, in no way, her fault. Human emotions are often not rational; though as a species, we try to pretend they have their basis in fact, more than they do. We humans are such silly creatures! We are far more emotional than logical. The Ukrainians are, admirably, channeling, their emotions, into the defense of their homeland. Many of the videos, coming out of this country, have moved me to tears. A child, singing, "Let It Go", in an underground bunker. Citizens, standing in front of Russian tanks, trying to push them back, out of their besieged city, with their bare hands-- and getting the tanks to GO! The, grandmother, in her, kerchief, holding, her beloved cat, protectively, against her maternal bosom, with one hand, while 'giving the finger', with her other hand, symbolically 'flipping him off', as she says "FUCK PUTIN!" The courage and defiance of these people is inspiring, to me.
A young, Ukrainian, girl, in pigtails, with a lollipop in her mouth, as she stands guard over her city, holding a real weapon of war; not the toy she would be, in times of peace and safety for her homeland. Putin has robbed her of her home and her childhood. She is perched in a bombed out window, seeming, unafraid.
109 baby strollers in Lviv, placed in the central square of the city, as a symbol of the 109 innocent children's lives lost, in the first 3 weeks of the invasion of their homeland. Thousands more children have been heavily injured and traumatized.
This young mother, breastfeeding her child, in a hospital room, after being badly injured, by Russian shelling, threw her own body over her newborn's, when they were attacked, to protect her infant. The innocent child, completely helpless and dependent, could have been killed. Russian troops, continue, attacking, civilians.
Self explanatory; and all too true. Russians are largely not believing this, though, because, back at home in their own country, they are being fed propaganda, lies. When their relatives or friends in Ukraine tell them what is happening, they don't believe them much of the time-- even when they are sent photos, and videos, by these loved ones-- of theirs! They say, it has been 'staged', and simply isn't true!
Sadly, this is all too true.
A mural of a Ukrainian child, hiding from the war, with her toys to comfort her.
Many people have carried their pets in their own arms, for days, for many miles, to try to get to safety. Some have had to leave their animals behind. You can be sure that innocent animals are being bombed, injured or killed, and are starving. Loving and loyal, fur babies, of these families, should, never, have to suffer, in such ways!
Someone did this artwork to honor the pets of Ukraine, expressing a PLEA!
Even though, Europe, especially, said, after World War 2, "Never again!" and, "We will not forget", because they were deeply, directly, affected, it's impossible not to compare what Putin is doing, now, to Hitler just decades ago. There are still many people living, including in Ukraine, who lived through that then, and now this, too.
Many Americans have a, soothing, belief that nothing bad, like this war in Ukraine, can happen here, on American soil. They are sadly mistaken. When I look at maps I see how large Russia is, compared to the U.S., and China is also much larger. We look quite small geographically, by comparison to these two other nuclear nations. In our minds, they can seem so far away, also, but, look at the map, above. Many Americans are unaware that Russia once had colonies here, in North America, and that includes, in places that are now part of the United States. Putin was lining up much of his troops and equipment along the Ukrainian border, while lying, that he was not going to invade (of course, he is calling it "liberating", but that is a lie). I said to myself, as I saw him with his friend Xi, at his Olympics opening ceremony, that Putin was only waiting until his buddy's hosting of the world, for this sporting event, was done, before invading, so that he didn't distract from his friends show. Just after the Olympics ended, the invasion began. I personally believe that Putin told Xi what was coming, and I think that Xi is prepared to join with Putin, and be a big help to him, in some ways, if NATO gets involved or some other pre-decided 'trigger' occurs, in the course of this war and/or Putin's aggression, in the region, expands. Xi made a very chilling, ominous, statement, very recently, by declaring that his FRIENDSHIP with Putin has "no limits." Think about the implications of it.
Most Bible scholars say that, China, and Russia, will join forces, in the End Times. Scripture says that 'men's hearts will fail them for fear' in these latter days (Luke 21:26). It is hard to imagine what is coming to this Earth, and to all mankind, in the last days of planet Earth. It is beyond sobering. It is truly scary; and sad. All this suffering, and terror, and pain, and death, because, people, cannot do, the 2 things, that God asked of us: to love Him, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. Russia and Ukraine are neighboring countries. There's NOTHING loving about the atrocities and war crimes being done openly to innocent Ukrainians, by Russians, at the orders of Putin, who keeps the world at bay, by bullying us all, because of, the threat, that he could use nuclear weapons. To the Ukrainians, at the heart of this matter is the belief that, some things are worse than death. That's why they fight so bravely, to the death, for their country. They would, rather, die free, if it, comes to that, than live under Putin's regime of lies and violence and oppression.
We Americans are spoiled by being a free and prosperous nation. We are soft, and act entitled. That is how the whole Karen* thing got started here. There's so much dissatisfaction and division in this country. It threatens our very democracy at this point! Too many people have forgotten how to be grateful. We cannot take all this for granted. We can't assume, we will always have what we have, now-- including peace on OUR soil. In OUR homeland. We must realize and remind ourselves that, NONE of this, IS OUR DUE, in this life. We have all that we have, because, we are BLESSED. I always say that I have learned to not ever say NEVER, because it is a magnet, for attracting the very thing that I said "Never!" about. We are at tipping points, on this planet. In the climate crisis, in politics, in world events, in dealing with new and deadly viruses that seem to just keep coming in wave after wave of variants, now. I sit here shaking my head. Will life, EVER, just be 'normal', again?
All these things affect my life like they do everyone else's to some extent or other.
But, they're the macro, that I have to deal with, simply because I am a person on this planet. The micro, of my own unique life, which is what I normally blog about, is things like, the frustrations, I feel, with other human beings, in my life, wanting me to be like they are, and socialize alot more, than I do, because I am still in my pandemic protective mode of living for one thing, and I have been traumatized by my life experiences to the point I have a subconscious aversion to the huge risk of interacting with other people which continually informs my reactions to people and significantly affects my social behaviors. It is actually an act of courage, for me, to open myself up to-- ANY!-- human being, at this point in my life. Even when I like them. Starting from being in my bassinet as a newborn, when my brother pushed it, and said, he didn't want me, there, joining the family, and dividing our parents' time and energy; taking some of that away from him, when he had it all, before I showed up, it seems like I have never really been-- or felt-- SAFE with PEOPLE. It overwhelms me, stresses me out, is often more than I can deal with, comfortably, comes at me-- however well-intentioned-- when I'm just not prepared, to have to interact, with someone else. Then, when I don't deal well with that, I get quizzical looks, critical frowns, cold shoulders, snarky gossip, and behaviors that, reinforce, my belief, that other human beings are simply not 'safe' creatures, for me to open up to, or venture toward, physically or emotionally. So, I either shut down or shoo them away, and withdraw into my shell again, hiding, in my house, where there is much more peace and safety from my point of view as a multiple-trauma survivor. This, is a war, in my SOUL, that I live, in the midst of, every single day, of my life!
Still, it is a small thing, however hard it is, for me, to deal with, compared to, the life of ANY Ukrainian, at this very moment. Those that live through the hell of this war, will sadly be, deeply, traumatized, for the rest of their lives, as are all people by such wars. My trauma was caused by, terrifying, domestic abuse, between my parents, when I was only 8 years old, narcissistic parental abuse toward me, and scapegoating, sexual assault, by several men, including my being molested by an uncle and marrying my half-first cousin after it seemed he took my virginity when I didn't consent, and was not even conscious, rape by a stranger, losing my USAF career, when I finally, turned in, my own commander, for sexual harassment, and for touching me, after, ordering, me, into his car as he also TOLD me, we WOULD have sex as if I had NO SAY IN THAT when I was never going to do that with him. My trauma came from transferring custody, of my toddler son, so he could have a better life, than with a, single, newly-divorced, young, mother, which nearly killed me to do, but I couldn't be selfish when I knew he needed more than I could give him. My trauma came from domestic abuse in my marriage, with the worst being that, he nearly killed me, and that he taught me such a, harsh, lesson, that I can never trust a man, again, in that kind of relationship. I've remained single, for 33 years, since that ended in divorce, and I do not EVER want to be MARRIED, again. My trauma comes from being homeless. My trauma comes from being hospitalized when I made the mistake of telling my VA counselor about a Vision, of Jesus, that He blessed me with, following another trauma, to me, of my being, talked into, an abortion, which I NEVER GOT OVER, doing, to this day, and she didn't believe me. She therefore wrongly assumed it had to be some sort of a 'mental delusion', and had me locked away in the hospital, for awhile; against my will. Very scary to me! If it had not been for, my SENSE OF HUMOR, and my philosophical view, of life, at this point, that, WHATEVER 'it' is, "IT IS WHAT IT IS", I would not have been able to deal with that situation as well as I did. (Is it any wonder, then, that I LONG to LAUGH, all that I can, and try to interact most often with people that feel SAFE to me, and that MAKE ME LAUGH? Those, are the TWO THINGS that I NEED MOST!) There have been more traumas in my life than these but these are the main ones.
Russian bombing leaves Kharkiv in ruins - photo from Al Jazeera.com
Even with all that I have been through in my life, it is as nothing compared to the weeks of incessant bombings, and sirens, and death, and destruction of their lives in every way, that every, single, Ukrainian is dealing with, right now. I just choked up and got tears in my eyes, typing that. My soul sometimes FEELS like the photo above looks, but my life-- my existential, outer, everyday, life, is nowhere near it. These people are losing EVERYTHING, that WAS THEIR LIFE, in many cases: their loved ones, their home, their pets, their jobs, their vehicles, their schools, stores, hospitals, their country, if they have had to flee, becoming a refugee, somewhere else. NOTHING, will EVER be, AS IT WAS, before this INAVASION of their country. It will never LOOK the same. It will never FEEL the same. If anyone survives this evil onslaught, there will be burying, and building, after dealing with, decimation, and despair. If chemical weapons are used, or nukes unleashed, there will be the health hazards that come with such things that can render a place uninhabitable. Putin MUST be STOPPED, though. If he ISN'T stopped, HE WILL NOT STOP, and if it isn't World War 3 now, it will be then, because this cannot continue, unchecked.
As I write this post, I have a home that I love, and birds singing sweet springtime songs right outside my window. I was able to take a hot shower, today, and I put on clean clothes. I have TV, telephone, and internet. I have fresh, clean, water to drink and good, healthy, food to eat. The weather is beautiful and the sky is blue. Even though the forecast is calling for rain, the fragile flowers are blooming and I see tree buds starting to leaf. I can play music, go for a walk in nature, in safety, and ride my bike, if I like. There are no, sirens sounding, bombs bursting, sounds of shots fired, screams, of fear, and agony, or cries, of dejection, and despair. The structures around me are solid, and sound. The landscape, my eyes look at, here, is beautiful and serene. I came here, by the Leading of God, hoping, and praying, that the, external, environment, would bring, first, peace, to my life, and at some point-- please, God!-- PEACE TO MY SOUL. I will sleep in a comfortable bed under a cozy blanket, tonight. Even though I have nightmares, of war, now, in my sleep, I do not wake up to see that, it is so, all around me, like, the Ukrainians, do. They are LIVING THEIR WORST NIGHTMARE. Yet, they persevere. They are my heroes! There will be more, to come, in my, future, blog posts, about my life, God Willing. In THIS moment, at THIS time, EVERYTHING that I have EVER experienced, even what has so deeply traumatized me, and even if it's all taken together, as one big mass of pain, tormenting, my soul, day in, and day out, to some extent, or other, STILL does not come anywhere close to what every Ukrainian is dealing with now.
This is from an online news story dated August 4, 2010, and updated on April 25, 2005, credited to the The Associated Press: Russian President Vladimir Putin told the nation Monday that the collapse of the Soviet empire “was the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century” and had fostered separatist movements inside Russia. In his annual state of the nation address to parliament and the country’s top political leaders Putin said the Soviet collapse also was a tragedy for Russians. “First and foremost it is worth acknowledging that the demise of the Soviet Union was the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century,” Putin said. “As for the Russian people, it became a genuine tragedy. Tens of millions of our fellow citizens and countrymen found themselves beyond the fringes of Russian territory." Perhaps, due to his maudlin sentimentality about this he has convinced himself, that, this, "liberation", of Ukraine, is what he is trying to accomplish. The Ukrainians, have NO desire to be brought back under, Soviet, domination, and the oppression of the people, that comes with that. They, have experienced, freedom!They are, willing to die, for their freedom, rather than, live under, Putin's, regime. Take note that, Putin called the dissolution of the USSR, "the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century", and "a genuine tragedy". I am certain that he has seen video, and photographs, and even statistics, on his own military's casualties, from his invasion, of this independent, neighboring, country, Ukraine; but he calls this a "liberation", held a large rally to celebrate it, lies to his own people about it, and continues on, despite, the consequences, and carnage, to civilians. How does he sleep at night? What can he tell himself when he looks in the mirror each day?
The Ukrainians are compassionate, determined, and resourceful people. A child, in this hospital bed, for reasons that are unclear but, most likely, have to do with the attack on this country, lies here helpless, connected to machines to try to save her while sandbags and pieces of cardboard have been placed to cover the window, so that if it explodes from the bombing the shattered glass will, hopefully, not hit her. [NOTE: I saw this same photo on CNN, on 3/24/22, and they told what happened, to her. She was in a vehicle with her family, when Russian soldiers shot at the car, striking her with a bullet, that grazed her face and neck, dangerously close to her carotid artery. She is lucky to be alive, at all, after that. She is only 11 years old.]
It is clear that, one way, or the other, this has to be stopped. Right now, innocent citizens of Ukraine, from very young, to very old, are paying the price, for Putin's aggression, against their land. Only God knows, how many, of the world's people, will, also, be paying a price, for this situation, before it is all said and done. From higher gas prices, to the possibility of nuclear war, it is already affecting everyone everywhere, to some extent. One man, is managing to, effectively, hold the world hostage, as leaders the world over try to figure out how best to solve this, to end this, without, provoking, Putin, to use far worse weapons than he is already using on these Ukrainians that have done NOTHING to DESERVE ANY OF THIS. Even so, he MUST be STOPPED. Not just, for Ukraine's sake, although, morally, that should be reason enough. There is that saying, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Putin, must be stopped, because he will not stop on his own, if left unchecked to do as he wills and wishes. His ultimate dream is the full restoration of the Soviet "empire", as he has called it. He denies this but he lies, and actions, speak louder, than words. I believe, he has some prearranged plans with and assurances from, China's Xi, also, in this matter, which will become known to the world when they think it is advantageous for them to, finally, reveal, and execute, it. If they do join forces, either militarily or economically, that will be very bad for the world. The world, as we know it, would likely cease to exist, then.
My personal trauma has been pervasive. Even so, I have NEVER had to face what the Ukrainians are, right this moment, and with such courage and class. They are demonstrating the very best, of human nature, while, at war, with those, showing the very worst of human nature. I have gone through alot of my traumatic events because there were not heroes in my life along the way, to protect me from those things. From, my father, to my brother, to my uncle, to my half-first cousin, to my husbands, to the pastor of my church (whom I sought out for counseling, until he said, during one session, that he thought, he was in love, with me, causing me to leave the support system, of my church, because he was married, with a baby on the way with his wife, when he made that shocking claim to me, out of nowhere), the very men, in MY life, who SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY HEROES were, instead, the ones that traumatized me. They failed me. They harmed me. They DAMAGED me. (Is it any wonder that I am STARVED, for a HERO, in my life? I admire Zelenskyy, so much, and pray for him, diligently. I, NEED him to LIVE! I can't be deprived of, another, hero, when THEY are SO FEW, and FAR BETWEEN, and so HARD to FIND, on this Earth, anymore. I NEED to feel SAFE! I NEED to LAUGH much more than I do! I NEED a HERO in my life!) I have had to be, MY OWN hero, for so long. Make MYSELF feel SAFE, Make MYSELF laugh. I can, do it. I am, doing it. But, I need to find those, seemingly, rare, people that are GOOD FOR ME, that are SAFE for me, that bring me LAUGHTER, and JOY, to help me get through this life, in something more than the 'survival' mode, that I am usually in. The Ukrainians, are currently trying to SURVIVE, this attack, on their country, yet, THEY ALSO ALREADY KNOW how to LIVE. I am 66 years old, now, and, STILL, DON'T KNOW, HOW to do THAT. If I can ever become HALF the human being that a Ukrainian is, I'll be something!
As I publish this post on my blog, President Biden has just arrived in Brussels, to meet with other world leaders who are our allies, to try to determine what to do.
Slava Ukraine!
* "Karen is a pejorative slang term for an obnoxious, angry, entitled, and often racist middle-aged white woman who uses her privilege to get her way or police other people's behaviors." - dictionary.com
