My Son's Other Mother Was Heaven-Sent

Sometimes God's answers to our prayers aren't at all what we thought---or even hoped--- they would be. When I had gone back to Biloxi, after my discharge from the Air Force, I had hoped that what Jim and I had originally had, together, was what I would find then, and even forever! But that didn't happen. I had never thought that I would become pregnant! But that did happen. I had never thought that ending up marrying the man that I loved, more than I have ever loved any human being on this earth, would be, right from the wedding day, such a miserable time in my life. It really resonated with that saying:  'Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!' I had hoped that our son would grow up in a loving, two-parent home. That prayer of mine was answered; but those parents, and that home, would not include me. Jim, and Linnea, would be providing this life for my son, and to give my son that better life I would have to let him go. So I did. I wanted what was best for him. Being raised by me, as a struggling single mother, wasn't ever going to give Jay the stability, financial security, or the role modeling from having his male parent, and also seeing the relationship between two loving parents who lived in harmony with one another, that he would have in their home. I wanted a better childhood for him than I'd had.

Linnea came into the picture while I was in the process of divorcing Jim. I was not aware of her relationship with Jim until after I moved back into his townhouse, with our baby, because of my failing to find a safe and secure housing situation for my son, while he was with me. However, I did not return to the marital relationship, with Jim (not that there was much of one, between us, to begin with). The first indication I had that something had changed for him was when he was suddenly acting really unusual when I needed to talk to him about something and had stepped into the bathroom, where he was just finishing his shower, to speak with him about it. He acted like some chaste male virgin, covering himself quickly, as I walked in, which both amused and annoyed me, since I had clearly already seen his penis, including being impregnated by it. His 'joystick' had been a real liability in my relationship with him, if anything! If he had something--- anything at all--- that I had still wanted, I would not have divorced him (or it). He told me that he had met Linnea, after he followed my advice and took an evening job teaching ballroom dance at a studio in Omaha. Those places were extremely popular back then, both during and on the heels of the disco era. I had told him about the job, thinking that it would be good for him, after seeing it in the Want Ads during my own job search. As it turned out, it was good for ALL of us. Jim, Jay, and me. Because of Jim meeting his second wife there, who would become the other mother to my son, we were all greatly blessed! Without the initial input from me, there is a high likelihood that Jim and Linnea would never have met one another. I believe it was God working in the situation, for everyone's good. She was the answer to all of my prayers, about my son. I knew it from the moment I met her. I just knew that she was Heaven-sent to become his mom.

Jim and I did not want the same things, or have the same goals, for our future. Our child was blameless, in this whole situation, and I was determined that Jay was not going to suffer from the consequences of Jim's and my mistakes (and our sins), if I could help it! I wanted our son to have the most solid foundation possible to be raised in. If that couldn't be with me, then so be it. I had tried my very best to care for him, but with no real support from Jim or anyone else during that time, except for the Child Support checks, and few resources, as well as my being unable to find a suitable, and safe, long-term, housing situation, for the two of us, I knew that keeping Jay with me was not going to be the best choice I could make, for him. My baby was growing up fast. Soon he would need much more than the basics I was able to provide for him now, in the situation of my having complete custody of him, due to his tender age. I didn't think that it would be wise to keep him with me longer than I had, knowing that the older he got, the more aware he would be, and the more memories he would have of me. I was already deeply concerned, as it was, with him now being a toddler rather than a newborn or an infant, that he could be emotionally traumatized, when the day finally came that I was no longer with him, in his daily life, when it had basically been just the two of us, up until this point. My son Jay and I.

I had to think of this child now. He needed a happy home life, and a good quality situation that he could thrive in. I would finally have that, for him, too, but, not with us able to be together, as we always had been, anymore, as mother and child. It would not be with his father, Jim, and I, together, with him, either. I would have to end up giving my child away, to Jim, and to his new girlfriend, Linnea, who became Jim's second wife shortly after this, for Jay to have that kind of home life, and I would never get to have that for myself or with him. What mattered most to me though was that my son would be brought up in a stable, loving, two-parent home with his own father, and a step-mother that he would soon see as his 'real' mother, as he should have, since I had only birthed him, and raised him until he was a toddler, while Linnea did all the rest of it, after that, bringing him up well, to be a good, grown, man. What Jim and I had together was a strong, magnetic, apparently primarily sexual, attraction, to one another, usually described as 'opposites attract'. The trouble with that is opposites do not really live well, together, and there was just never enough 'common ground', for us to build any kind of a solid, mutually desirable, foundation for our relationship with one another. Linnea came into the picture while I was living in the townhouse with Jim and our baby, although I had already started the legal divorce, from Jim. I will say, here, and have said, throughout all these years (my son is almost 38 years old, as I write this Blog post), that she is probably the best person I have ever known in my life! I'm so deeply grateful that she was, is, and forever will be such a big part of my son Jay's life! She was a God-given answer to my prayers! Because of Linnea's gracious and loving presence, in our lives, I was able to give my baby boy the very home life I so wanted him to have, by giving him up, to be raised by her and Jim. I loved my little boy with all my heart, and just got tears in my eyes, typing that now. As for how I felt about Jim, I had never stopped loving him, under all the hurt and anger I felt toward, and because of, him. But, I had lost all my belief that God had actually meant for us to end up together, although it had surely seemed that way to me at first.

I had no remaining illusions about Jim ever truly loving me, so, I wasn't letting go of anything I actually had, with him, due to that. I felt, long ago, that his behaviors demonstrated that he did not love me (or, not enough), for us to be able, or even want, to make it, together. He'd moved on; and then lived a happy life with Linnea which I am glad about, for him and for my son, Jay, who was brought up in the midst of their relationship with one another. It is what it is. My life is lived with the Lord as my Husband (Isaiah 54:5) now, so both Jim and I, in our own way, had a happy ending; just not together. Jim was always very good at focusing, laser-like, on his goals. He almost always got what he was after and more so, made his life become what he wanted it to be, with very few exceptions. I have been and done the total opposite of that, in my life. I've pretty much ended up 'stuffing' a lot of heartache from the crap that has come into my life from people. Even when that has made me miserable, I have mostly felt unable to change it, or stop it, or make it better somehow, except for leaving, and ending, the unhappy relationships, when there was not only no improvement, but they got worse, over time. Dr. Phil, Steve Harvey, and others say that people will treat us like we allow them to, or teach them to. To think my wanting to be loved somehow brought me the mistreatment and abuse that I have suffered in my life is a horrifying thought to me and very confusing, because I opened myself up to those people for love to flow between us; not their crap, I was subjected to instead, because of their own selfish intentions, agendas, and needs. It felt like they just pillaged my life and then departed; in Jim's case, taking my heart with him, as a souvenir. I resented them, but I blamed myself, because I had allowed these people into my life, in the first place, thinking they were bringing something good, fun, affirming, helpful, caring, nurturing, or loving to me, since I had thought that was the reason that we were on this planet with one another. My life has been lived largely in a form of Damage Control, with me being more deeply convinced, with every hurt and heartache I have suffered that I am unlovable, because of how people, that I have loved and cared about, have treated me, when I allowed them to be in my life. If it weren't for God's Love for me, I feel sure that I would not have survived all of this crap or be able to function, even as well as I (struggle to) manage to, with the frustrations, and challenges, that I face every day, such as from OCD, and anxiety, which have resulted from my stressful, and scary, relationships with other human beings going back to my very earliest childhood. I have had no choice but to become a strong woman, but I still have a tender, fragile, heart, that seems to cause people to want to victimize me, rather than respect me, for that gentleness, in me. I am proud of myself, for still standing, after all that I have been through; reasonably intact! I am still living, I am still loving, and I am still laughing, in spite of all these traumas to my soul; and I give God all of the glory for that!

After Jim told me about Linnea, I wanted to meet her, so he had her stop by the townhouse to do that. I wondered about alot of things, as I opened the door and saw this woman, smiling so benignly at me. I wondered what exactly Jim had told her, about our relationship together, and what it was or wasn't, to him. I felt that he must have either told her something which was very reassuring or else something that wasn't completely true, for her to seem so unthreatened that I was back, living with him, under any circumstances which he must have described to her. My realization that she probably had been told Jim's real thoughts and feelings about me, and our relationship together, which he had never shared with me, left me feeling uneasy. His refusal to really communicate with me had left me with only speculation about that important information. Linnea had a sweet spirit, and a gentle manner about her. I found her to be genuine, and good-hearted. She had to be a tough, and very secure, lady, as well, underneath all of that, for her to seem so completely at ease meeting and talking with me there in the townhouse, knowing that Jim's child and I were back under his roof, living with him again. She was plainer, and plumper than me, but she had something that I didn't have. She had whatever had caused Jim to fall in love with her, which I had either never really had, or he had changed his mind about, for some reason. If this awkward situation had been reversed, between Linnea and I, I do not think that I would have ever been able to handle our meeting one another so graciously, as she did. In so many ways, she just seemed to be a better person than I am; something which my grown son, Jay, laid out fairly clearly, as well, in one of his emails to me, earlier this year. Appreciating his honesty, and doing my very best to live that way myself, I emailed him back agreeing with him, because I completely understand why he loves her, as much as he does; as he should. I have absolutely no problem with that, at all! Hearing him express his love for his other mother--- the only one that he can remember ever raising him since he was still so young when I transferred his custody to them--- was proof positive (which I really never needed, because she is such a great person) that I did indeed make the right decision, the very best possible decision, for my son, all those years ago, given the circumstances. His praises of her made me feel even more grateful that she has been his mother; one that he has loved so deeply and dearly, and valued.

Linnea was literally a Godsend, for each of us, and for all of us! I had been a very loving, and extremely devoted, mother to my son, but it would take even more than I had to give, to meet all of his needs, and to do it well. This was the best option for my son. It was also excruciating for me to do this. It reminded me at the time of the Bible story (1 Kings 3:16-28) about the two mothers claiming the same baby boy as their own. They went before the King, with this issue, and he quickly ascertained which of these women was actually the boy's true birth mother, by suggesting that the baby be cut in two, with each woman getting half of him. When one of the two women begged the King to just give him to the other one instead who had not carried him in her womb or birthed him, who had actually agreed to the king's proposal to resolve this, the king knew, immediately, which one was his real mother, and gave her baby boy back to her. It was like our situation in that I was exactly like the mother in this Bible story, who was willing to completely let go of her own baby so that he could live, and have his best chance at life, given the situation that she faced. Only I placed my son, myself, into the hands, and the care, of the other mother knowing that it is the mother figure, in almost any home, that does the very great majority of the actual child raising, compared to what is usually the father's hands on input and involvement with the child. From the very beginning Linnea also wanted what was best for Jay, and she loved him, with a true mother's love! We were always of the same mind and heart, on this. Neither I nor Linnea ever wanted anything but the very best life, for Jay. We were both in complete agreement, on that, and on what that looked like, which was for she and Jim to take our son and raise him together in their own two-parent, loving, home, which Jim and I couldn't have, together. Too much had happened between Jim and I for the two of us to ever be able to want to make a life together. Our baby deserved much better, than what a home with Jim and I together was like. I had been so utterly unhappy, in it, that I knew I could not translate that into a happy scenario for my son. Sadly, it was what it was. My life had been deeply damaged, by that relationship with Jim. I didn't want my--- our!--- baby boy's to be the same. Jim didn't treat anyone else, that I ever saw, as poorly as he had treated me. So, I felt sure that, with him and Linnea, he would be the man, with her, that I had first known, and loved, so deeply; just as he was with anyone else, except for me. I think that Jim blamed me, for the negative impact that our relationship, and the results of it, had on his life, without really considering the damage it had done to mine. I would even say that I paid a much higher price for it than it ever cost him.   I didn't see my own son grow up. Linnea was definitely the bright spot, in all of this darkness.

I had tried my best to make sure that Jay's childhood would not be anything like mine was, and his was so much better than mine--- THANK GOD! He was also raised by two parents who had both had better childhoods than mine, which makes a huge difference, in both who we are and how we are, as people, and affects who we are and how we are as parents. Linnea grew up in a home where she was wanted, valued, and deeply loved, by a wonderful couple who adopted her. I had the pleasure and privilege of being invited to visit their home in Carter Lake, Iowa, on a few occasions, during and after my transferring custody of Jay, to Jim and Linnea. They were both truly 'salt of the Earth' people. I would have loved to have them as my parents! They were such good people. After meeting them, I felt very wistful that I had not had the blessing of such loving and supportive parents in my life. Jim had the identical upbringing Linnea had in several important and impactful ways, right down to his also being adopted by loving parents. So, they not only really understood one another, coming from similar backgrounds, they had both grown up very secure about being loved and wanted. That was something that I had never had, in my upbringing, during my formative years, or any time after that, despite being raised by my actual birth parents. As a result, I never had the confidence, or conviction, within me, that I was either loved, or lovable. This made every relationship alot harder, for me, than for either one of them.

The way that things had gone with Jim, and me, had only reinforced these hurtful beliefs, even more, about my not being wanted, or loved. So, seeing how in love Jim and Linnea seemed to be, with one another, I just figured that it hadn't happened for me, because I wasn't lovable, so I didn't deserve it. That message was so deeply driven home, to me, by things going so badly, between me and this man that I loved, more than I ever loved anyone in my life, that whatever my relationship choices were, in my life, from that point on, reflected what I now believed, with all my heart, was the truth about me. I am crying right now, as I am typing that. It's hard to say this, but it is honestly how I have felt, based on how I have been treated by the very ones who were supposed to want me and love me but didn't for whatever reasons. I've gone through life feeling like there's a mark on my forehead designating me as "Damaged Goods". Every time I have let a man into my life, and into my heart, they have behaved in ways that indicated that I wasn't worth treating well, or caring about. However, because of the 'Blessed Assurance'* that "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so . . . .", I have never remained in any bad relationship out of some desperation that this would be the best that I could have with anyone, or that this is what I deserve from anyone. I know at my core that those are lies from the pit of Hell. In fact, when I see, or even sense, that someone is trying to manipulate me, due to them perceiving my vulnerability, due to my painful emotions about risking relationships with others, including with them, and they bargain that I will take their shit, thinking I want them to love me at all costs, they end up very much surprised, that I simply, and quite unsentimentally, end the unhealthy relationship with them, instead, and don't allow them to treat me that way anymore.

This is where my strong faith in God, and in His Love for me, and care of me, really shines the brightest, which is where my strength comes from, and why I have been able to survive all that I have in my life, but still appear to many people as if I have lived a very sweet, sheltered, and simple life. I know, that they think that, because they have told me so! My final husband, Mark, once said to me, as he stood over me while I was down on the floor, cowering, to try to protect myself, after another one of his abusive fits of rage, that 'he could treat me any way that he felt like, because (his perception was that) I so badly did not want another divorce, that I would just put up with it'. What is wrong with these men that treat their women this way? Can you imagine someone you loved saying this is what they think that you deserve, and why? It is so extremely hurtful. After that relationship ended with him, which did not take very long, it is no wonder that I finally gave up, on my marital hopes, altogether, because they kept costing me so much more than the reality, of my having that in my life, ever gave to me. I am so very grateful every single day that God loves me! Without His love, I probably would not have survived, this life, this long.

I would directly, or indirectly, have self-destructed, in some way, at some point, due to all that I have been through because of other people and their behavioral choices which have impacted me, in some devastating ways. We are made to love, and to be loved, and I just wasn't finding that with other people in any healthy way. From parents to husbands these important, intimate, relationships, which most often form the very foundation of our lives, were troubling, and toxic, for me. Studies have shown that, even in animals (which I often think are so much more loving than people), there is 'a failure to thrive' **, or in some cases, to even continue to live, without palpable love being experienced in life. It is critically important to our health and happiness that we find and feel that in some way with someone. My older brother, Mike, committed suicide at age 40, by shooting himself, in the heart---  that very place where he was hurting so deeply---  from not finding love in his life. He had been raised by the same parents that I had, which had likely contributed to this deficiency of affirmation and affection, for him, to begin with, just as it had done, so destructively, with me. Very poignantly, he was on the phone with the most recent 'love interest' in his life, who was also rejecting his need to connect meaningfully with her. As a 40 year old virgin male, it was the last straw, for him. He simply could not take it, anymore, and was unable to go on, feeling that his life was not worth living, without love, despite all his other very impressive accomplishments. Love is what makes all the difference, in our lives. It is what the human heart is most hungry for. After pouring out his longing, which wasn't reciprocated by her, just as he had experienced throughout his life with all the females he had tried, and failed, to form a bond with, he quite literally died of a broken heart; killing himself. My relationship with God, and experience of His great love for me, has been very insulating, for me, as I have dealt with the disappointments and destruction, in my life, caused by people who claimed to love me but gave me so much grief, and harm, in place of that. I was left having to deal with dilemmas, like this, with nothing left to show for my settling for too little, from them, only to get even less.

In fact, I sat Jim down, after I had met Linnea, and gotten to know her more, and emphatically recommended, even requested, that he marry her! I told him that if he married her (because I really liked her, and thought she would make a wonderful mother for Jay) I would give custody of our baby boy to the two of them so that Jay could finally have the stable, loving, two-parent home that I so deeply wanted for him. I recall also telling Jim that I would not transfer custody, otherwise, because I feared that without Linnea, who was loving and stable, Jim would simply continue having a steady string of short-term women coming through his life, and I didn't want my son to live in a state of constant confusion about which, if any, of them was his mother, or develop an attachment disorder from his repeatedly forming bonds with some of those women who may not be permanent fixtures in Jim's, and therefore his, life. Not very long after Jim and I had that conversation, Linnea came by the townhouse, and showed me the engagement ring that Jim had gotten her. I gave her a big hug! I was happy for her. I was proud of Jim, for being willing to settle down, after his so recently not wanting to do that, at all, with me, and our baby. But, I was especially happy for my son, Jay. This would give him that stable, two-parent, loving home, and a much better future, than remaining with me, as a struggling single mom, who had given him her best but that just wasn't going to be enough to meet his all needs. God is good!

With Jim and Linnea now engaged to marry one another, and preparing to take full custody, of Jay, I began the very focused and deliberate process of helping Jay adjust to the transition, so that he would not be traumatized by this very different lifestyle which was about to happen, for him, after what he had been familiar with while he had been with me. While Jim's and Linnea's relationship was deepening and progressing now, I began to expose Jay to the two of them as much as possible, and especially Linnea, who was this completely new face, in my little boy's life. She and I would take Jay on walks, with just the two of us, at first taking turns pushing his stroller, with me eventually having her do that herself, as I walked along with them. After all, it was a transition for her, as well as for Jay, since she did not have any children, of her own, at the time, and was a successful career woman, before setting that aside, to focus more on her new family, after she and Jim married. I am a person that believes in Signs, and I took notice, after being quite surprised by this, at first, that when Linnea and I would encounter strangers, during our walks with Jay, they almost always said how much he looked like his mother, then, but indicated they thought it was her, and not me! While I loved my baby boy, with a mother's heart, and my love for Jim was the deepest, I have ever felt for someone, my love for Linnea was the purest form. In all these years that I have known her, there has been almost nothing I could have found fault with her for. That is saying a great deal, because no one is perfect, not even her. The Bible says that ". . . all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). She is, without a doubt, one of the most perfect-seeming people that I have ever known which is very high praise from me because my standards are high for human behavior, which I have even fallen quite short of, myself, at times. There are very few people, that I have known in my life, that personify God's Grace, for me, in this fallen world, and Linnea is one of those!

While the baby and I continued to live with Jim in the townhouse, which had been Jim's and my home, when we were married, and Jay's first home, after he was born, we had Linnea move in with us, also, toward the goal, we were all working toward, together, of continuing to familiarize Jay with what this new home life was going to look, and feel, like, for him, living with the two of them now. I would soon be out of the picture, of that. So, Linnea was now in the bedroom, that had been mine, with Jim, not very long before all this, and with only the bathroom between the two rooms, I slept across the hall, with the baby, in his nursery. Love gives, and there was alot of love, and giving, going on, in this situation, between us all, with the baby as our main focus, during this time of significant transition in all of our lives. While I would never portray myself as being a martyr, during all this, I do think it is fair to point out that I was the only one, of the four of us, not personally gaining anything for myself, from the situation, or from these relationships that were now being formed, and solidified, although I was having all of my prayers for my son answered, which was more than I could have hoped for not long before this. It was enough for me to be extremely grateful to God, and to Jim and Linnea. Since the baby was still too young to be able to verbalize any of what he was thinking, feeling, or needing, I was trying my best to help him with the transition, including by showing Linnea how I had been caring for him, in the context of his normal routine, such as bathing him and his other everyday needs. I felt that the more similar those routine experiences were for him, the less 'shock to his system' it would be. In the midst of my doing all this, though, with every step I took to help Linnea and Jay bond, I was simultaneously having to let go of my baby, that much more. It was hard. That is such an understatement, but there aren't words to really describe the depth of what I was feeling about that process, during all of this. I even recall a picture, that Linnea took, of me, standing beside Jay as he sat in his high chair, the day before I would finally be moving out, into an apartment of my own, at the end of all this, with me smiling. What is much harder to see, in that photo, is what I so clearly remember about that moment, which is that, because my heart was breaking over this goodbye, with my son, my eyes were filled to the brim with tears that I fought to hold back, and tried to cover with my big smile as best I could. I stood there in that moment, at age 26, with my brunette pigtails, hiding my heartbreak, while Linnea took that photo of Jay and I. Even then, I was thinking only about my son; that, if he ever saw that picture, I wanted him to see that I was happy for him, and for them, as a family. And I truly was. I was just terribly sad for me. But, as I reminded myself, through the whole process, this wasn't about me, but Jay.

One day, as I was showing Linnea the way that I had always bathed the baby, in the tub, I must have surely seemed, to her, to be micromanaging this method, because suddenly this normally very gracious woman got a little assertive toward me doing that with her, so I just left the room. I was not upset with her, though, as I sat outside the bathroom, then, while she finished up the baby's bath, as she saw fit to do. I was upset with me, for my not giving her more credit for her also loving Jay and having only his best interests at heart, as I struggled emotionally with each step of this, to hand over more and more of my mothering my baby to her, since he would soon be hers, to mother. I was doing the best I could, with all this. It wasn't lost on me, that day, as I sat there, just outside the bathroom, at the top of the stairs, that this was the exact spot, when I had been pregnant with Jay, that I had dropped down onto the floor, on all fours, with my baby belly hanging down, sobbing hysterically as I had said to Jim, that day, "WHY can't you LOVE ME?!? . . . WHY? WHY? . . . WHY?!?"  (Reference my August 7, 2019, Blog post, for this part of the story, in detail.) Again, now, in this moment, with Linnea and Jay bonding, as mother and child, I felt so alone, in my heartbreak. I felt loveless, and alone. Would anyone ever love me?

Jim offered, and paid for, a six-week Nursing Assistant certification course, for me, at the local community college, so that I would have a better, and a more secure, employment opportunity, going forward into my new life without Jay with me. Ada, the woman who lived next door to the house where I had worked, caring for the handicapped children, after starting the divorce from Jim, babysat Jay for me, while I was in school fulltime for those 6 weeks, which gave me great peace of mind.  As with Linnea, Ada was also a very special, and loving, woman, and I was so glad, and grateful, that they were both a part of my son's life! Meanwhile, I kept helping Jay, to bond more with Linnea, and less with me, for his own sake, but I also did not want him to ever feel that any of this was because I was in some way rejecting him. So, to demonstrate, to him, while also telling him (even though I was unsure how much of it he could comprehend, at such a young age), that 'He was very blessed, because HE had TWO mothers, that LOVED HIM', I began to be sure that Linnea was front and center, in his life. I had her go along with me, to his pediatrician, for his well baby checkup, knowing that it was also important that Doctor Maragos was aware of what was going on with this, and who Linnea was, in my baby's life, now. As you can imagine, this was an unusual situation, to be sure, which this older doctor had likely never encountered in all his years of medical practice, so it didn't surprise me that he was freaked out by it. Taking me out of the exam room to talk with me while Linnea stayed in there with Jay, this emotive Greek gentleman actually pulled me onto his lap, as a father might do, with a daughter that he was really concerned about, and he questioned me about this entire situation going on. After I explained it all to him, comprehension now came over his face where concern had once been, but, he still felt he had to ask me, one final time, because he knew how very diligent of a mother I was to my son, Jay, and how deeply I loved my baby boy, "ARE YOU SURE, that you want to do this?" When I nodded yes, looking him in the eyes, while there was tears, in both of ours, he sighed, with resignation, and acceptance, and then we went back into the exam room to finish Jay's check up. I was also aware of how Linnea might have been feeling during it, so I focused on this pediatrician and her also forming at least some connection together since I had no idea whether they would continue to bring the baby to this particular pediatrician, after I was out of the picture as far as his upbringing, but I wanted them all to feel comfortable, if they did.

Tangibly showing Jay all the love surrounding him, from all of us, seemed to connect more with his understanding and acceptance of the situation, than telling him, although I did both of them, trying to make it as pleasant, painless, and peaceful, as possible, for this precious little person. Linnea worked with me, on this. Bringing some fun into it, from his perspective, helped too. We took a ball outside, in the front yard, and lightly rolled, or tossed, it, not very far at all, for Jay to retrieve, and bring back to us, since he was walking, by this time. I would say, "Bring the ball to Mommy, Jay!" and, of course, he would bring the ball to me. I gave him a big, loving, hug, then said, "Mommy LOVES you, Jay!". Then I would roll the ball for him to get, again, and say, "Jay, take the ball to your OTHER MOTHER, this time. SHE loves you TOO!" Naturally, this being a new concept for him initially, he looked at me with a quizzical expression, hesitating as he held the ball, to bring back to 'Mommy', trying to understand what it was I was asking him to do with it. So, I pointed to Linnea, and said, again, in a very enthusiastic, and reassuring, voice, "Take the ball to Linnea, Jay. YOU are blessed to have TWO MOMMIES WHO LOVE YOU! Take the ball to your OTHER MOTHER, this time, Jay." We went back and forth, like this, several times, with Jay, the ball, and a big, loving, hug from whichever mother got the ball brought to them by him after each retrieval. Finally, when I said, "Bring the ball to your Mommy, Jay!", he got it, on his own, without me having to point her out, or explain anything else about it to him. This time, right after I said to him, "Bring the ball to your Mommy, Jay!", without even looking over at me, or seeming confused, or hesitating, at all, he toddled straight over to Linnea, and gave her the ball.  As she gave him a big hug, holding him in that embrace, her eyes met mine, which were brimming with tears. It was both painful and joyful, for me, because I knew at that moment my baby was going to be just fine with his new mother and his father, and without me. And, that it was time, now, for me to focus on moving out and moving on, with my life, so they could focus on being the family, together, that I had wanted my son to have, but couldn't give him, myself.

I moved out of the townhouse, not very long after that, and into an old apartment complex near downtown Omaha, where I could almost afford the cheap rent, on my Nurse's Aide salary from the nursing home in Papillion, where I had gotten my job, after graduating from the certification program. Although there was a high demand, for this new job skill that I now had, it did not pay well; basically minimum wage. My landlady, Myrna, was a late-middle-aged, husky-voiced, real character, with a heart of gold. She was so understanding, about how tight things were, for me, financially, since I also had to cover the car payments and the other expenses, for the compact Chevy which I still needed, to be able to get to work out in Papillion. More than once she let me keep some of my rent money, to catch up later, without charging me a late fee or other penalty, for that, simply because she knew it still left me with exactly $12.00 for groceries, for the entire week! This was in 1983 but, even back then, that wasn't alot of money. I remember that I was living on bologna and cheese sandwiches, with mustard, at that time. Jim and Linnea brought Jay over to visit me, for a few hours, on several occasions. It was going well with the four of us.

I was a little worried, at first, that things would take a turn for the worse, between us, after they called me on their wedding day, and rescinded my invitation to it, and to spend time with Jay. I always believed that they had only met because of me, in the first place, and, I had been very supportive of them, the entire way through, so it hurt, and actually angered me, at the time, to be shut out like that, now, on an occasion that also meant alot to me, too, on behalf of my son. However, as frustrated as I felt, I still did not blame them. They were probably trying to placate their parents, to keep the peace, on their special day. Jim's parents, who did not like me, were there for the wedding, and although Linnea's parents were always very gracious to me, when I visited their home during Jay's custody transition, they also began to seem a bit confused, and perhaps concerned, that I was, and wanted to be, still actively engaged with all of them, after I had moved out from living with Jim, and, by then, Linnea; and Jay. So, sensing that from them, I began to withdraw, much more, from my involvement in it, since it did not seem as if I was as welcome as I had been at first, while I was giving my son up, to them all. On Jim and Linnea's wedding day, since I wasn't allowed to be there, now, or to visit with Jay, I went to visit a monk, I believe he was, on the Columban Fathers property, in Old Towne, Bellevue, whom I had met previously when I was just walking the grounds there one day, seeking solitude for my troubled soul over all that was happening in my life then, that was so painful for me. He was allowed to have me stay and have a meal with him, in an isolated room where the two of us sat, together, away from the others in that monastic life. It felt a little odd, to be the only woman there, but he was more than gracious to me, and very compassionate, about the pain I was in, emotionally.

When Jay was brought to visit me, after I had transferred his custody, we always had a good time, just being together again. I did not have money, to do anything special with him, but he was content, with my company, and I entertained him, by my showing him things, around the apartment, which I thought would be interesting, for him. I had never had a gas stove, before that, and it did not appear that Jay had ever seen one, either, so I still remember holding him securely in my arms, and turning on one of the stove burners, and his reaction to that. As the neon-blue flame suddenly lit up, with a whoosh, in the dark kitchen, and began to flicker from the air currents, Jay's eyes grew huge with surprise and delight, and wriggling excitedly in my arms, he pointed his little finger toward it, and went "Ooooooohhh!" He was just so precious. I smiled, seeing his joy, from something so simple that I had shown him. A new experience! He had such a good time with me there, on that visit, that when Linnea came to the apartment to pick him up Jay pitched one of those falling-to-the-floor-in-a-fit tantrums that I had never seen him do before, except for when he was at my parents', in North Carolina, for awhile, with me, and my dad had manipulated his emotions like he had. As Jay lay there, sobbing, not wanting to leave, I suspected that it had more to do with the blue flame, being there, that he was now so captivated with, than it did with me, but it still broke my heart, to see him have to be pulled away from me, and crying. That was an exception not the norm but I recall going out to where Jim was, waiting for them, in the car, and standing there, helplessly, staring at the back of the car, as they all drove away, and out of my sight. It was not an easy time for me, by any means.

I moved to a slightly better apartment building, a couple of years later, after I landed a job as a Nurse's Aide in the hospital just up the street from there, which paid a little better but not much. I recall Linnea and Jay coming to visit me, there, and Jay's hyper moving about caused Linnea to bump into the sharp corner of a piece of furniture as we three sat close together on the floor in this tiny efficiency apartment. As Linnea admonished Jay, I realized I had gotten good at not micromanaging how he was to be raised, once I had left him in their care. Jay was responding to her the same way that any child does, to their mother, when they are being sharply scolded, in the moment; and I was at peace with it, now, as I witnessed this interaction between the two of them and recognized that this was, indeed, just as it should be . . . between Linnea and Jay. A mother and her child. Because Jim was in the Air Force they eventually left the Omaha area, moving away to other places, both around the country and the world. We did keep in touch, to some extent, during Jay's growing up years, but I stayed out of the situation much more than I involved myself, with it, so they could focus, on their busy family life, including bringing up Jay, and I could concentrate on making the best of mine, as it was, now. Linnea had always been very thoughtful, toward me, over the years, that Jay was growing up, sending me some of his poems and lyrics that he wrote, in his childhood scrawl, and calling me to tell me that he was trying to set one of my poems which I wrote, and sent him, to music, when he was a teenager. She sent me many of Jay's school pictures, and family photos, too. I think that the last photo I got, of Jay, was his high school graduation picture, which I believe was taken of him in 2000.

Although I had transferred Jay's custody to his own father, Jim, and Linnea, his 'other mother', I waited, to see how that would all go, before I made what I felt like was an even more important decision, on my son's behalf. Jim had shown such a wild side, after we were involved with one another, which had blindsided me, because the man, that I had fallen in love with, had seemed so shy, sweet, caring, and committed to our intimate, live-in, relationship, at first. That new part of his personality, that I was seeing, had shocked me, about him, and had not come across as being anything remotely monogamous or even heterosexual. Because of that revealing a much broader behavioral spectrum for him, I was not sure whether this would happen again with him, within their relationship, and derail it into divorce, as well. I was concerned that if the relentless restlessness, and animating appetites, of this seeming social butterfly whom Linnea now loved, caused problems for their marital bond with one another, my son would be caught in the middle of that, again. Things seemed to be going along well, for Jim and Linnea, as a couple, and, for the three of them, as a family, so I broached the subject with Linnea of giving her legal custody of Jay, now, by relinquishing my maternal rights, to her. She seemed to be very surprised that I was saying that to her, which surprised me, considering Jay had known her, as his mother, for awhile now. She explained to me that she had asked Jim about the possibility of my doing that, for them, with Jay, but that Jim had emphatically said to her that I would NEVER consider that, under any circumstances! I found that very curious, because Jim and I had never discussed it, even once, and this talk, that I was having, now, with Linnea, about it, was the very first time I had ever verbalized either my desire or my decision to do this, with anyone, at all. I wondered why Jim would tell her that, or assume that? But since he'd continued to be uncommunicative with me, directly, I had no idea what he was thinking, or why. I explained to Linnea that, since my son was in her care 24/7, I wanted to be certain that if there were ever an emergency, with him, or some problem at school, that she would have full legal authority to act on his behalf, in every situation which could arise. Sometimes Jim went TDY, in his Air Force job, and I wanted her to be able to always take care of anything that could come up, regarding Jay. Besides, she was already Jay's mother, now, in all the ways that mattered, in his day to day life. So, Linnea and I went together, just the two of us, to see a judge and ask that he handle this matter for us.

In this world of so much hostility among people in such a familial situation as ours, he was very favorably impressed with our relationship with one another, and our mutual concern for Jay, so he easily granted this for us. I asked Linnea not to say anything to anyone, not even to Jim, so that I could surprise her parents, and him, with what would, surely, be very good news to all of them. She agreed, and I had a copy of the legal document framed, and then wrapped up like a gift (which it was!), then I went to her parents home to present it to all of them, together. At first, her parents weren't too sure, or too comfortable, about why I, Jim's ex-wife, and Jay's mother, was coming by to see them. They were never ungracious to me, but I could tell they were a bit unsure about what was going on. Still, we all had dinner together there, and then went into the livingroom, where I presented the wrapped document to Jim, which now made his wife, Linnea, legally Jay's mother. I was wondering whether Linnea had managed to keep this very important secret, that only she and I had shared, before this, but I couldn't tell whether she had or not, by Jim's reaction, to it. He was sitting, in a chair, as I had handed it to him, to unwrap, and he just kept looking down at it, in his hands, with a serious espression on his face, and never said one word of any kind, about it, while I was there. So, again with him, I had absolutely NO idea what he was even thinking, or feeling, about this huge decision, that I had made, about our son. As he had opened the gift, from me, and sat staring at it, Linnea's parents kept saying, "Well, . . . what is it? What is going on . . . ?" When they finally saw what it said, they seemed to be very surprised, and overcome, with joy. Linnea's mother even gave me a grateful hug, before I left, so they could all celebrate, as a family, together. So, now, in the eyes of the law, I had no son. From Jay's point of view, he was already Linnea's little boy; only now, it was official. It was just something else I did, for him, to try to be sure that I had done all that I could do, to give him his best life. It is still hard for me to talk about any of this that I did, with him, and for him, though. I am crying, right now, as I am typing this, about it, and, to this day, I have NEVER been able to explain to people what this very difficult experience was like for me, of teaching my son to love another woman as his mother, and then let him go, to belong to her, so he could have his best chance for his best life with her and his father. Since all of this happened as a result of how Jim had behaved, toward me, I was always so relieved, that he did not seem to be treating Linnea badly, in any way, which could have destabilized my son's life, and disrupted his future. It hurt that I couldn't inspire my son's father to love me, so that we could have been a family together. I did not want us to be two parents who were miserable together, causing emotional upheaval for our child, like what my childhood had been like, for me, which was so extremely damaging. It hugely affected how I turned out, as a person. I would never have stayed with Jim, simply to be able to keep Jay with me. I was too unhappy. That would have affected my child, negatively.

I have always loved Linnea, from the moment I met her. I enjoyed our phone talks together and was genuinely excited whenever we got the chance to visit together, face to face, as well, even when Jay was not with her. I last saw Jay when he was around 9 years old, so that was almost 29 years ago, now. (The years fly by, so fast! My baby boy will soon be a middle-aged man! Of course, I am a senior citizen, now, myself.) Over the years, I had some nice phone chats, with Jay, but those were all while he was growing up. Once, on a phone call between us, when Jay was around 7 years old, or so, I started to cry, because I loved him, and missed him, so much. He heard that over the phone, and in such a loving and reassuring way, well beyond his years, he said, in order to comfort me, "Don't be sad, Debby (which I decided he should call me, after Linnea became his "Mom", to avoid emotional conflict within him). Some day we'll be together!" Our two hearts used to be so simpatico, during those early years, even after we were apart for quite a while. I think that the last time the two of us talked on the phone he was in high school, and he described to me what his very first kiss with a girl had been like, summing that up with a very enthusiastic "WOW!". I always loved his openness, and enthusiasm, but those seem to be the very things that, in college, he was advised to seriously tamp down, and that difference in him, when we reconnected earlier this year, for several emails, was disappointing, and sad, to me. I miss how he used to be, but it's his life and his choice. He's a grown man now. I can't remember when I last saw Jim. It was probably right after I moved out of the townhouse, after transferring Jay's custody to him and Linnea, which was 36 years ago. Jim would often be on the phone with Jay and I, as we talked together as Jay was growing up, but he was not really saying much of anything; mostly just listening to our discussions. I always wondered if he was monitoring our calls then, perhaps out of concern about what I might say to Jay, especially as he got older, since I know alot about Jim that I doubt Jay would have ever been told about, or probably Linnea either. Sometimes people have a stake in keeping their truth hidden, so they can behave however they want to during their life but (think that they will) not be accountable for it. But, God knows ALL of it, and, scripture says "For there is nothing hidden that shall not be disclosed, nor anything secret that shall not be known and come out into the open" (Luke 8:17). Linnea was the last one, of these three, that I saw in person, but that was many years ago. She was back in the Omaha area briefly and came by my loft-style apartment in the Old Market that evening, for a quick visit while she took me to dinner. That was sometime around 2001 making it around 18 years since I last saw her. I think that my relinquishment of them all surprised them. I have always wanted the best for them; but I don't want them in my life, now, unless that is best for me; and when they began to change, toward me, that changed, for me.

When she took me out to eat, in an almost empty restaurant which was not really busy at all (because it was late in the evening), that was on the same block as my apartment in the Old Market, Linnea actually snapped at me as I bantered back and forth with the waiter a bit. She chastised me for that which in every way was totally out of line for her to do to me! Right then and there, in front of our waiter. I was stunned! She had never spoken to me in that way, that harshly, not even all those years ago when she got frustrated with me for micromanaging how to bathe Jay as a baby. Although I 'stuffed it', at the time, out of shock, and my love for her, it made me really angry, because, I felt that she was not only showing me great disrespect, but chose to do so with the waiter standing there, seeing her treat me this way. I wasn't her child! Speaking of which, even worse to me, about this drastic change in her toward me, now, I had given this woman the most precious gift that anyone had likely ever given her in her life which was MY SON, and I felt that this at the very least should have inspired, or encouraged, her to treat me with respect and even deference, always, but especially out in public. I went back to speak to the waiter, after that happened with her, and neither of us felt there was anything, at all, going on between the two of us, that should have set her off, like that. She had even been acting very different, when she had first arrived, at my apartment, before we even went to the restaurant. While I was as excited to see her, and as loving toward her, as always, Linnea was aloof, and dour, which wasn't like her! I wondered what was going on with her, to cause such a big, and sudden, change in how she behaved, toward me. She'd always been gracious, before.

When she had arrived at my apartment, I hugged her, and was so happy to see her! She stood there stiffly not hugging me back, as if she were impatiently tolerating my genuine affection for her. She seemed moody, and irritable, and in deciding to go out to the restaurant she had said, very emphatically, "I NEED A DRINK!" This just wasn't like HER at all! It was concerning to me. She didn't apologize, or explain herself, so I had no idea what was going on with her. Because I felt she disrespected me, and that is a real relationship ruiner, for me, that I just don't tolerate, I really pulled away from her, after that, and we grew apart. I did wonder, at the time, though, if she was yet another one who had been tainted to turn toxic toward me, by interactions with my parents. I was aware, from photos my mother sent me, of Jay being sent to visit my parents, in North Carolina, at different times, although Linnea never really talked about his doing that, with me. My parents have a very subtle way of poisoning people's minds and hearts, toward me, to exonerate themselves, and to avoid accountability, and consequences, for what is actually their own bad behavior. It is a whole syndrome, with them. I stayed with an aunt once, and we had a lovely visit, until she called my mother, to let her know how happy she was, that I was with her! Following that phone call, my aunt totally changed toward me, which then caused me to freeze up, with her, as it was obvious that my mother had tainted her, toward me, somehow, to cause this drastic change, in her demeanor, toward me. Although I know that my mother does this, to sabotage my relationships with the people that I care about, to somehow make herself end up looking better to them in the process I don't know how to stop her from doing it or counteract it.

Even when I have been right there, seeing her do it, in the past, since she has done this to me throughout my life, she is so good at it that she gets people to fall right into this manipulation of hers. She is a narcissist. What she is doing is called 'smoke screening'. If she can keep people focused on me, in a negative way, which she does, very subtly, she can, and does, keep those same people from picking up on what she knows, in her heart, is really wrong with her. So, she keeps getting away with pulling this crap, and she gets people 'on her side' by causing them to become upset with me, on her behalf. She punishes me, by alienating these others toward me, that should not even be involved in it, but are so gullible. Because both my parents know that I will not take their crap, and that I reject them because of it, putting and keeping them out of my life, they try, and succeed, to turn people against me, in their favor. My mother, especially, likes to play the victim, but she is actually the vicitimizer, of me. This bad behavior, by them, though, is actually due to their own guilty conscience, which is underneath this facade, people seem to buy into. They are retaliating on me, for being honest, and for avoiding their toxic games being played on me, directly, anymore, by keeping them out of my life. A counselor could explain this dysfunctional crap, better than I have, but the bottom line is that these people have continually damaged my life, in this way, every time they get another innocent person to take them at face value, rather than notice how they themselves are having a change of heart toward me, under the influence of all this. They weren't feeling this way toward me, before they were emotionally manipulated by these people! In any case, I couldn't continue to keep Linnea closely involved, in my life, if she were going to be that way with my mother, who I need to keep completely out of my life. The same goes for my son, Jay. I don't pressure them in any way to not be involved closely with her, because they have a right to make their relationship choices just as much as I do. I simply back off, from them, now, as well, and leave them all to their relationships with one another. I choose to go on with my own life without those bonds, then, because it is better, and healthier, and happier, for me. I have had to leave all of it, in God's hands, knowing that what I have been describing, about my family, will all be exposed by the Lord, one day, and that both of my parents will be held accountable for all that they have done to make me their scapegoat.

Sometimes, my mother would tell me things that apparently Linnea had confided in her, such as her being concerned about Jim staying out late for "his regular card games". This was the first I had heard of that. I was very concerned, though, hearing this, although I never told her why, as I hoped that this was nothing, compared to what it had been, when I lived with Jim in Biloxi. What I immediately thought about was my own memory of Jim playing that card game with two other women, the night of his birthday, at his apartment, for condoms, as the prize. I had been napping in the adjoining room, in the bed that Jim and I shared, since I was his live-in girlfriend, and I woke to walk in on this going on. So, when I heard "card games", regarding Jim, I felt very anxious, on Linnea's behalf, right away. She was such a different woman, from me, that I thought surely she would bring out the better side of Jim's dual Gemini nature that I had also seen and loved, when we had first dated, but be able to keep that side of him in the forefront, which I hadn't been able to do, with him. After all, Jim had married me only because of our pregnancy, but he had married Linnea because he loved her, and had wanted to. I did not ever think that Jim had only married her in order to have Jay's custody transferred to him, with a ready caregiver available for his child, in Linnea. If I had any concerns at all about that, because I had made transferring Jay's custody to him conditional on him marrying this woman that he was involved with, those were put to rest, after I saw photos, online, of Jim and Linnea, on a beach, in Hawaii, I think it was, renewing their wedding vows, to one another, years later. What that said to me was that Jim loved her, wanted her, and gladly married her. Even twice!

My heart is broken, from what has happened to my life, due to the people that have brought so much crap into it, because of their selfishness (which is the very root, of sinfulness). I honestly cannot see how it could ever even be healed on this side of Heaven, but I know that Heaven is on the horizon, for me, at some point, and I am content to focus on what God is doing, in, and through, my life, now, in this present moment (which is the only one, that any of us can live in), and to wait patiently, and live with purposefulness. Even with my truly broken heart, my joy that people see is not fake by any means. "The joy of the Lord is my strength!" (God's Word is true, and I take God at His Word!) Every day, I start my day standing before God praising Him, and I end every day in this very same way. I talk to Him, all throughout the day, about anything, and everything, and ask Him about things, and listen, for His answers. I laugh, because He fills me with joy! I dance, and sing, around my apartment, because I am filled with gratitude that I have survived, all that I have been through, even as well as I have, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, after all the damage has been done. Some times it has been easier than others and some times it has been a Pilgrim's Progress*** that, for me, has been more like my taking two steps forward and one step back. Still, I am moving forward! I'm really not on this planet to be loved by others. I am here to bring glory to God, by bringing His Love to others, if and when I can. Some days, it is a show of my faith in Him that I am even willing to simply get out of bed, at all, to face the day, by just putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, because I know, and I trust, that no matter what has happened, or not happened, God is always with me.

People have often said to me, when they learn more about my life story, that it is amazing that I never committed suicide or became an alcoholic or drug addict, from what had to be enormous emotional pain that I felt from these things that I have been through. They always look shocked when they first find out what my life has been like, because, people do tell me all the time that I look like someone who has lived a very easy life, without having had any real problems to deal with, or weigh me down, to cause me to become a cynical, jaded, cold, or cruel, person. Once, a female co-worker who was raising two teenage boys, as a single mother, and worked in retail sales with me, at the mall, told me why she had taken an immediate dislike to me, and been so mean to me, from the very first day that I worked there, which I had always wondered about as I was suffering through it, from her. She explained that she was hurting, from her own life, and I came onto the scene, looking so happy, like I did not have any problems or had never suffered, like she had. I told her that I don't look like someone carrying around heavy emotional burdens because God's Word tells me that I am to "cast all my cares on Him" (1 Peter 5:7), and that I've had to do that, in order for them not to have completely broken me, as a person; because they have been too much for me. They very likely would have been the death of me in some form or fashion, if I had not given them to God. I gave her just a few examples of the things I have had to live through, in my life, and she was totally shocked! She had not thought that I, this happy-seeming lady that she worked with, had been through anything, like what I shared with her that day, especially not things as bad as those were, such as my being raped, by a stranger. As for drinking, my dating days with Jim included alot of that, although I did not stay constantly drunk, by any means. He had given me alcohol to drink, back then, mostly to help me relax, while he was working with me, through our lovemaking, to get me past my frigidity from my rape sexual trauma. Before that time, I had really only had those drinks that my cousin had given me, prior to rupturing my hymen, causing me to marry him because I was then 'damaged goods'. Except for a short span of time, when I was a nightclub dancer (out of all those years, considering that we were allowed to drink alcohol any time, in those clubs, and I had usually worked 6 nights a week), there wasn't really any other alcohol use or other escapist behaviors by me, throughout my lifetime. In fact, because I am so health conscious, I am aware of the health risks, from all those things, and avoid them. I don't even smoke cigarettes, which is a form of drug addiction, to nicotine. I even filter my water through a PUR pitcher! I will need to cover my short and very exclusive foray into prositution though, and the reasons behind that (none of which were good enough, because it so grieved the Holy Spirit, who lives within me), in a future post in this Blog.

* Blessed Assurance
   a hymn by Fanny Crosby

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine
Heir of salvation, purchase of God
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood
Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blessed
Watching and waiting, looking above
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long . . . .

** Failure To Thrive  (FTT)  ". . . factors that may lead to failure to thrive: Emotional deprivation as a result of parental withdrawal, rejection or hostility. . . . If psychosocial factors are involved, treatment should include improving the family dynamics and living conditions. Parental attitudes and behavior may contribute to a child's problems and need to be examined." (Source: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/failure-to-thrive )

*** The Pilgrim's Progress. (1678, 1684) A religious allegory by the seventeenth-century English author John Bunyan. Christian, the central character, journeys from the City of Destruction to the Celestial City. Along the way he faces many obstacles, including the Slough of Despond.