Is There ANY Man Who's RIGHT For ME?

[A special note before starting this post: "Portugal" was in my blog Stats recently! I don't know if that's the same reader that was with me from the beginning of my blogging, but just seeing that again after quite a while, brought tears of joy to my eyes, and a sense of hope that this person survived the Covid pandemic after all.]

Recently I have begun seeing the number 110 quite often. That is encouraging to me because of its significance regarding, romantic, relationships. This is from the website https://numerologynation.com/angel-number-110 and is exactly where I am now as far as my being completely open to finding real love with a good man:

What does number 110 mean in love?

"Single people can rejoice at the sight of angel number 110 as this number signals new beginnings of a love life. It appears that you’re ready to jump into a relationship. You need to make room for the special someone in your life and to do that, you need to let go of previous, hurtful experiences."

My love life has largely been a matter of quantity over quality. For some reason, I have had ALOT of guys feel attracted to me and an amazing number of those men have professed love for me. Even though some seemed to be sincere while others were superficial about it, I still have to say that, I have NEVER been loved 'WELL'. There must be ONE man on this earth who can do that, before it's JUST TOO LATE for me to ever experience that in my lifetime. While younger women have anxiety about their 'biological clock' ticking as far as being able to have children, MY clock is ALOT more DIRE than theirs, at this point. I am in my latter 60s, now. (WHERE HAS TIME GONE?!?) It is a cold, hard, fact that for ME it REALLY IS 'now or never' to find, and experience, the overwhelming joys of a romantic connection with one special person, before my, entire, life span, comes to an END. At a time in my life when the face in the mirror, shockingly, belongs to a senior citizen (AKA 'little old lady') but the heart within my chest still beats strongly to the drum of pure primal passion, I try to make an accurate assessment of my value, in what is called, 'the meat market'*. After choosing to remain celibate for 25 years and counting now I don't even know for certain that the body parts which are necessary to engage in  a sexual relationship with another human being will even still function. I regularly turn to my vibrator for the wonderful stress relief and ensuing endorphins of very fulfilling orgasms that these mechanical devices provide me. I haven't had a man inside my body for a very long time now. During this considerable time of celibacy I also went through menopause, the combination of which led to my gynecologist telling me, several years ago now, that I have developed vaginal atrophy. With all these, additional, potential obstacles, to my finding romance in my latter years of life, I am torn between the courage to try and the temptation to give up for good.

I have no idea at this point what I actually have to offer a man as far as 'the total package' that is the sum of all parts of what constitutes 'me', as a woman. Alot of women dye their hair to try to look younger. I did that for many years myself, but eventually decided to let it go gray, which is its true color now. Despite my efforts (and prayers), to avoid it, I have developed the most noticeable of all signs that a woman's body is withering with the passage of time. The turkey neck.** >sigh!< When I watch TV, and the only thing, on a woman, that my eye is drawn to, is the loose skin hanging from their neck, what hope is there for me to think that it isn't just as noticeable on me? There are scars on my body from injuries and bug bites, over the years, and my skin overall is drier and thinner now. Some spider veins on my legs, and a couple of, thicker, discolored, toenails add to my dismay, as I 'take inventory', of what a man would be getting, with me, as far as the physical part of who I am, as a human being, that can't be photoshopped*** in real life. I wonder to myself, 'Is it ENOUGH?' Enough, for me to attract them. Enough, to keep them. It is unsettling, to a woman, to be sure, because, societies-- the world over-- and probably as far back as when Adam first set eyes on Eve, MAKE IT VERY CLEAR to females from the time we are born that our GREATEST value comes, SOLELY, from how we LOOK on the OUTSIDE. An 'ugly' woman may have the most beautiful and caring heart but she will often get trampled, and left in the dust face down, by the men in hot pursuit of the 'pretty girl', however shallow, or superficial, she may be.

As women, we learn, from the time we are a young child, what our 'market value' is, according to members of the opposite sex. They drive the point home, in ways that are crystal clear, and at times even cruel. (Girls, do it to boys, too, but this is my blog, and I am writing about my life experiences, here.) I have lived my whole life never being called "beautiful". (Strangely, because that has been the case, my entire life, I got tears in my eyes, just typing that fact, 'out in the open', here.) In circumstances where I was as perfectly groomed, and made up, as possible, along with clothing that enhanced my attributes, I have been told that, I am 'attractive'. The tone, that this is spoken, by men, always comes across as, some 'benevolent' concession to me, being made by them, though. There's always that little tinge of 'disgust' or perhaps merely just disappointment, in their voice, that comes from a sense of 'male entitlement', in which, they consider themselves to be 'settling' for me since I don't look like the perfect (and airbrushed) Pin Up Girl centerfolds they ogle in their, men's, magazines. The women that they look at while masturbating. Both handsome men and ugly men (maybe even more so) chase beautiful women and it is a male 'bragging right' if they manage to make one or more of them their own. It is actually a 'status symbol', for them. So, given my age and deteriorating body, what hope do I have of ever finding what I was never able to find before, in my entire life, with a man? If it eluded me when I was young, how the hell is that going to land in my life now? The way I see it, I can 'help it along' some, possibly, but it is going to take a literal MIRACLE OF GOD for ME to EVER have that happen.

That is why I have a single's profile on two internet dating sites, right now. I have tried this route several times in years past without ever finding my 'Mr. Right' that way. It really is kind of a CRAPSHOOT (or, at least, CRAP). Because I, continue to, stay as isolated as possible, due to Covid (that fucking virus is RUINING my social life), I don't really know of any other way to go about seeking someone, for 'love'. I order everything online to be delivered to me-- groceries, furnishings, make up, and toilet paper-- so WHY NOT A LOVER? (I don't want to ever be married again-- been there done that; didn't like it. I really just want a lover that I can laugh with, although, hopefully, not DURING the lovemaking, all things considered.) I have no idea why, but this time around, with this internet search, for a man, for me, every one of the men that I was at the point of meeting, suddenly, showed a completely different side of themselves as we began to plan for that, causing it not to happen at all then. That 'bait and switch' shit was something I was not going to accept, in my search for a real relationship. There have been 7 men so far, that I was willing to meet from these sites, before it took a downward turn with them, as they each showed me, just how much, they had acted like what, they thought, would attract me (which worked, briefly) rather than simply show me who they honestly were. I don't know, if it is because, I am more of a 'hot commodity' in my age group, now (because, most of my peers are either, married, or dead, at this point!), or what it is, but this time when I posted my profiles on these two singles' sites, I have been inundated, with HUNDREDS OF MEN, 'Liking' me, and an overwhelming number of those, actually messaging me. Because I have not ever had any real luck, seeking love on internet sites, in the past, I'm feeling cynical enough, about it, now, that I didn't sign up for the paid site services that supposedly give you more of a chance at success in this venture. I only have free subscriptions on both sites which limits how I can contact, or interact with, the men. Most of them have the free one, too.

Especially because I am in my 60s now, it was a real ego boost to have such a big response to my profile on these sites! That being said, I am not spending my time on this search to be lusted after or longed for by hundreds of old men. I am doing this, to try, to find, ONE GOOD MAN, for ME. Period. Even as I feel tentative about what I have to offer, in such a relationship, now, I also, have doubts and concerns about what the men bring to the table (or more accurately, to the bed). After all, I ALREADY get GREAT ORGASMS almost anytime I want, without having to please a partner as well, because of my toybox full of vibrators and dildos. Those, 'take me to the moon and back', orgasmically, speaking, BETTER than, ANY man, I've EVER been with, but ONE-- and they TIE his performance in the sack. Men, including on these sites, complain that women just want them for marriage or money, or both. I don't want marriage at all and although I live on a modest monthly income now, and have to make sacrifices for that to work, well enough, for me, there isn't ANY amount of money a man could EVER provide me for me to want him in my life if I don't really love HIM for WHO HE IS. For ME, THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT. What a man can OFFER, that I WANT, is his COMPANIONSHIP. I DON'T NEED a man but I WANT a MAN. Someone to make me smile-- even better, make me laugh; hard. I miss the feeling, of running my fingers through a man's chest hair, and laying my head on his chest after sex to listen to his heart thumping hard because it was so fulfilling for him. Things that marriage can't guarantee and money can't buy. That being said, I do worry, that the man-- if, I can even FIND HIM!-- will have erectile dysfunction, or lack stamina or the basic physical ability to make love to me. I am even concerned that if the sex IS REALLY GOOD for us, it might cause one or both of us to have a heart attack, now that we are in the age range where that is more of a possibility than when we were younger, and our health conditions may put us at more risk of unwanted or unintended consequences. Even something as simple as having a bad back or bad knees, due to wear and tear over time, can render a man unable to 'do the deed'. I don't want a man to need a pill or a pump for sex.

[Note: As I am writing this post on the day it will go online on my blog I woke up feeling very weak and faint-- like someone feels who is coming down with the flu, but this isn't, the flu, or Covid, because I have been living in complete isolation. I have learned to recognize these symptoms as coming from my heart issues that I have, which crop up occasionally. High blood pressure, and AFib. So, I got out my pulse oximeter, and my pulse was very high, although my oxygen level was good. Then I wrapped my blood pressure cuff around my arm, and saw, very bad news.  I currently have, the HIGHEST blood pressure reading that I have EVER had, that  I am aware of. I had to try to treat that and lie down for awhile before continuing on this post. I don't want to 'burden' a man with my health issues, or vice versa.] 

The only man, out of the 6, that I agreed to meet for the face-to-face 'chemistry' test (which ended up falling through with them all, just before it was to happen), that I honestly felt like I was already starting to fall in love with, was David. This  is also my very favorite name for a man! He is 6'6", so very tall-- which was one  of the things on my 'Wish List' for a man since I am tall for a woman at 5'9", and  I LIKE feeling SAFE and PROTECTED by a big man. One thing that WASN'T on my list, though, was a long-distance relationship. David lives over 100 miles away in an adjoining state-- about a two hour drive, one way. NOT, SOMETHING, I WANT TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH, IDEALLY. But life has NEVER BEEN 'IDEAL'-- at least for me. He seemed fairly handsome in his photos. He told me he doesn't really have much of a hairy chest though, and that's my BIGGEST TURN ON when I look at a man's body, so I have to say, I was disappointed hearing that. He is bilingual too so I was able to practice speaking Spanish with him as we messaged each other. That was an added bonus, since it fits with my goal to use the skill more often so  I don't become so rusty at it. So, there were trade-offs I was willing to deal with. David's messages almost always MADE ME SMILE-- a VERY GOOD SIGN-- but he NEVER really made me LAUGH, and THAT, is the KEY TO MY HEART. The last man  I fell in love with was someone that made me laugh ALOT. That, and his being so attentive and supportive. I fell out of love with him for SEVERAL REASONS, and I don't even like thinking about him, anymore, because there are VERY FEW GOOD THOUGHTS left in me about him. I give him full credit for the good things he did, but the more I was disrespected, and mistreated, by him, ESPECIALLY in front of others, and the more I found out, the ways that HE LIED TO ME, both by actions and words, the more my ANGER smoldered deep within me, and I felt disgusted. It's ALL GOOD, though. I DIDN'T WANT to fall in love with him when it happened to me, and I tried everything I knew to STOP IT, but that, took awhile. Not being able to TRUST HIM and BEING DISRESPECTED BY HIM were what killed it for me.  I am HAPPY IT'S GONE. I DIDN'T WANT IT IN ME, IN THE FIRST PLACE. It's over.                                                                                                                                                                        

Back to David: He and I had 'a bump in the road', when he would specifically say something in his messages to me that, set up an expectation, of an action on his part, and then HE WOULDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH. Because I am open and honest and direct, in a romantic relationship, I addressed it as soon as it happened. The way, I look at things like that is, we teach people how they can treat us, by what we tolerate or accept from them. It's VERY IMPORTANT to SET BOUNDARIES and let people know that THOSE are NON-NEGOTIABLE. If the person CONTINUES to violate those SET EXPECTATIONS by how they are treating you, that may just be to 'TEST' you or it may indicate that they are not equipped or willing to treat you right, and you need to CUT YOUR LOSSES and END IT before you get even more involved with them. It could even be BOTH those things. If you set a boundary in  a relationship, whether romantic or any other kind, and then you ALLOW them to VIOLATE that, you can be sure that, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN, and most likely, will devolve into them having some, very sloppy, ways of treating you, as opposed to TREATING YOU WITH CARE. You will end up, having to choose between, your self respect, or the relationship. NOT A GOOD SITUATION. I was already feeling like I was falling in love with David, when this began to happen with him, but I made it crystal clear to him that HE HAD A CHOICE. He needed to DO WHAT HE TOLD ME HE WOULD DO or JUST NOT SET EXPECTATIONS with me that he didn't intend to FOLLOW THROUGH ON, for whatever reason (tired, busy, etc.). OTHER OPTIONS, were NOT AVAILABLE TO HIM, if he WANTED the relationship-- with ME. I STOOD MY GROUND, fully ready to LET GO OF THIS RELATIONSHIP, however promising it seemed, otherwise, because I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE, OF ANY KIND, IF THE 'PRICE' THEY EXPECT ME TO PAY FOR IT, IS MY SELF RESPECT. This was going to let me know, not only how serious he was about wanting it, but the measure of the man that he is, as well. He rose to the occasion and was very careful NOT TO DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. A VERY GOOD SIGN. He also apologized. ANOTHER VERY GOOD SIGN. I was excited, that we were about to finally meet in person, because I could tell by how I was feeling toward him, at this point, that I was already falling in love with this man, and if we had physical attraction/sexual chemistry, when we met, it would ignite, into the full-fledged love affair I wanted.

Below is a Copy and Paste of the actual profile that I have on one of the sites. It's the one that David saw and read. I just decided to be EXACTLY who I AM and SAY EXACTLY WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR, because otherwise HOW WILL I FIND WHAT I WANT? There is NO GUARANTEE that I will, EVER, find it, but I am really trying to.

ABOUT ME

My self-summary

Baby, Baby! I am looking for someone to HAVE SOME FUN WITH and SHARE SOME PASSION WITH (if I LIKE YOU ENOUGH to 'GO THERE' WITH YOU-- I am VERY PICKY about who I LET IN to my LIFE, and my BODY, and IT WON'T HAPPEN with us if there isn't a STRONG SEXUAL CHEMISTRY and I TRUST YOU). I am NOT looking for marriage (been there, done that, DID NOT LIKE IT), and I DON'T even want to live with someone. I am NOT your 'typical' woman, in ALOT of ways. I am VERY independent, I like living alone, and I have been celibate for 25 YEARS NOW (and counting-- sigh!) BY CHOICE, but I have a VERY STRONG SEX DRIVE (and the ONLY reason I haven't COMPLETELY LOST MY MIND is because of VIBRATORS that work REALLY WELL!). I have a sense of humor, and I L-O-V-E to LAUGH! So, if YOU can MAKE ME LAUGH you will REALLY IMPRESS ME ALOT. I don't have many current photos right now (a friend is going to take some for me, and when she does, I will update the photos here) so I included some from my previous 'incarnations' when I was ORIGINALLY a BRUNETTE and after that wanted to see if BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN for awhile, and then I just let it grow out gray because THAT IS 'ME' NOW. I do not want someone with alot of health problems that doesn't take care of themselves. If you're overweight or smoke do not even contact me. I drink on occasion, when it suits me, and I'm becoming more open to the possibility of pot smoking but I haven't gone there yet and I'm not interested in ANY harder drugs. If I drink with you and I REALLY LIKE YOU something passionate WILL MOST LIKELY HAPPEN, but I decide when and if I make myself that vulnerable around a man. I have 25 YEARS of PENT UP SEXUAL ENERGY straining at the bit to be LET LOOSE TO PLAY, and I am READY FOR IT NOW. I just need to find a man I think is HOT that TURNS ME ON. I want a PLAYMATE more than anything else. DO NOT CONTACT ME if you have E-V-E-R in ANY way ABUSED A WOMAN. I'M NOT HAVING THAT. DO NOT try to 'own' me as 'your woman' or try to control me with your attitudes or agenda. I BELONG TO ME. ALWAYS. I can SHARE THAT WITH YOU if YOU TREAT ME RIGHT, and I think we would BOTH REALLY ENJOY THAT. What turns me on in a man: Taller than me so I feel 'safe' and 'protected' with you, and in your arms. I am 5'9" and 128 pounds, size 6. You GOTTA have A HAIRY CHEST-- that's a MANDATORY TURN ON for ME! The 2 men I loved the most in my life were BOTH balding/bald and THEY WERE SO HOT to me, so THAT'S A PLUS TOO, but I also won't say no to a full head of hair or any amount in between. I DON'T like facial hair, so NO moustaches or beards. I won't kiss you if you have that. I want to learn country line dancing. I want to go to the beach. I enjoy live music. Because of COVID CRAMPING MY STYLE for a few years now, I LIKE to GO OUT but prefer something OUTDOORS in the fresh air. (I stopped getting vaxed for it because they didn't last, made me feel sick, I hate needles, and weren't a guarantee of not catching it.) I am mostly a Loner and keep to myself alot though by choice and I do still wear a mask sometimes if I am somewhere closed in that I feel increases my risk. So, I like picnics, beach walks, outdoor dining, fresh air concerts, etc. I'm open to sports venues too, sober boating, etc. I love to get and give massages. Ummm! I LOVE to BE TOUCHED when it's from someone I LIKE. I LOVE MUSIC, and DANCING, and have fallen in love with country music (which SURPRISED ME-- HOW GOOD IT IS!) which I never gave a chance to, before listening to it because a friend I admired at the time liked it. Treat me well and I COULD FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. Be a jerk to me and I'm moving on. Like now. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN, if we HAVE SOME CHEMISTRY TOGETHER! I am READY for it-- and for YOU!

ASPIRATIONS

Current goal

To meet a guy-- or more than one guy-- to date right now, to see if you appeal to me, in person, and can make me laugh, and we can have fun together, and chemistry together, with the goal of narrowing it down (after getting to know several on a non-sexual level) to ONE GUY that I REALLY LIKE and am TURNED ON BY to become my 'partner in passion' and share a monogamous sexual relationship with, at that point.

TALENT

I could probably beat you at

being a woman! (At least, I SURE HOPE SO, anyway, since I am a WOMAN who is looking for a MAN!)

MY TRAITS

My golden rule

DO NOT MISTREAT ME and expect me to REMAIN IN A RELATIONSHIP with YOU. There IS no second chance after ANY TYPE OF ABUSE of me. No, "Sorry, it won't happen again." BULLCRAP. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

NEEDS

I value

HEALTH, INDEPENDANCE, LAUGHTER, MONOGAMY, SEXUAL FULFILLMENT, NATURE, LIFELONG LEARNING, AND MORE.

MOMENTS

A perfect day

would be a beach day, alone with you, with a lot of laughter as we walk and talk together, and hug tight, and eat well, followed by some lovemaking that hopefully leaves me breathless and you well satisfied, if we have become a monogamous couple at that point who are sexually involved with one another.

SECRETS

The most private thing I'm willing to admit

I am 'RUNNING HOT', ALL THE TIME, no matter how I look on the outside; but if we don't have chemistry together, and you DON'T TURN ME ON, it is NOT HAPPENING BETWEEN US, because I always have my vibrators charged up and ready to relieve me, and they are 'NO FAIL' ORGASMS for ME.

DATING

What I'm actually looking for

A TALENTED LOVER, who MAKES ME LAUGH-- ALOT!-- and will LET ME BE ME, even when that is sometimes me being FREE SPIRITED and RATHER WILD. Someone who isn't POSSESSIVE of me, but is PROTECTIVE of me. I NEED to FEEL 'SAFE', in EVERY way, with you. Someone who understands that GRATITUDE IS SO IMPORTANT in life!

Performing Arts

My most traumatizing moment on stage was

when I was in the middle of performing as a dancer in a nightclub, years ago, and I thought a black paint chip fell from the ceiling down into the bra top of my costume . . . until that black 'paint chip' down inside my bra STARTED WRIGGLING AROUND in there! I reached in with my finger-- on stage, with all eyes on me-- and flipped it out onto the stage floor, and STOMPED IT DEAD, with my high-heeled foot. It was a VERY LARGE BLACK COCKROACH!

Woman | Straight | Monogamous (Single)

5 ft 9 in | Thin

White | English | Retired | Aquarius

Doesn’t smoke cigarettes | Drinks sometimes

David did have facial hair, and that was the ONLY thing about his appearance that actually TURNED ME OFF, when I looked at his profile photos, because the way he had it encircling his mouth, and nowhere else, on his face, made it look to me like he had 'gone down on a woman' and her vaginal area had become IMPRINTED ON HIS FACE. Ugh. In ALL OTHER WAYS he looked VERY MANLY, but THAT did NOT, to ME. Although facial hair is a masculine trait, that 'vulva' on his face looked female. David was also an astrological sign that is not my best match. The websites say it CAN work, and even WORK VERY WELL, but it takes ALOT, of communication, and compromise, to get it to that, really good place, between the two. It does not just happen naturally. I am an Aquarius female and David is a Taurus male. I have not had good experiences with men of that sign, so my view of Taurus men is they're 'all schmooze, and no sincerity'. Because David, CHARMED ME SO, I was HOPING he would be the EXCEPTION to the rule and be the Taurus 'Bull' without the 'shit'.

                                

  

I was very honest with him up front, and all through our interactions, and we had talked about my big dislike of facial hair on men, SO HE WAS WELL AWARE OF IT. He added a couple of photos, to his profile, of him without the goatee; for me, he said; and he DID LOOK ALOT BETTER with JUST THE MOUSTACHE. I considered it to be a fair compromise, and since he specified that, he did it FOR ME, due to my strong aversion to his facial hair configuration, I took it to mean that he would do that for me when we met in person. WHY ELSE WOULD HE ADD THOSE PHOTOS, AS AN OPTION, and SAY, it was FOR ME? Anything less after that would be a bait and switch, because, if he HAD NO INTENTION, of even being WILLING, to shave  off the goatee but keep his moustache, then WHY SHOW ME he had LOOKED like that BEFORE, making it an OPTION he has OBVIOUSLY DONE even before he met me? His doing this, BECAUSE OF, our discussion about ME NOT LIKING IT, said to ME that HE KNEW FULL WELL WHAT WAS AT STAKE, as FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE EVERYTHING, when meeting someone, and the IMPACT of that weighty, MAKE OR BREAK, moment CAN'T EVER BE UNDONE; and that he was THEREFORE WILLING TO COMPROMISE-- which I WAS, ALSO, DOING, BY ACCEPTING the MOUSTACHE. SURELY, he was not implying that, he would just tell me to, 'picture' him, without, the goatee, whenever he would want me to kiss him, KNOWING it turned me off? Yet that seems to be exactly what he was doing as we started arranging to meet.

           

                              

In the end, it fell apart, leaving me thinking of him for the past few weeks since I called it off, just before we were going to finally meet in person; after he did that curious and confusing 'bait & switch' that EVERY MAN HAS DONE SO FAR that I've messaged on these websites. We were actually in the process of planning for him to come here, when the 'Bull's' SHIT hit the fan. >sigh!< David and I enjoyed our VERY OPEN AND DIRECT conversations, about all types of subjects, including sex. I WANTED to be ABLE to be, FULLY RESPONSIVE, to him, though, if we DID have sexual chemistry when we met in person, and ONE SMALL but SIGNIFICANT word that HE KEPT USING was REALLY PUTTING ME OFF, so I TOLD HIM ABOUT IT, and asked him to just use ANY and ALL OTHER SEXUAL TERMS, except, for THAT one.

I explained to him, I associated this particular word with the stranger rape, that I went through, and it therefore traumatized me, to hear it-- especially, as often as David said it. His response to that, was to tell me that, my rape was IN THE PAST, so I should, JUST GET OVER IT, and that he DID NOT WANT to STOP USING THAT WORD, because that would cramp his style (sexually speaking), by being a verbal constraint on him. That is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of how he had EVER BEEN, to me, and it shocked me, but, more than that, IT REALLY PISSED ME OFF! I wanted to be able to NOT HAVE FLASHBACKS about my RAPE so I could FULLY FUNCTION with HIM, and THIS was HIS REACTION, to my request?!? Once I went BALLISTIC on him in my reply to that, saying EXACTLY how I felt about his selfish position on this, and he read HOW UPSET I WAS, he DID try-- to his credit-- to, PLACATE ME, to CALM ME DOWN. But, I was BEYOND consoling or calming, after he showed me THAT SIDE OF HIM. I told him, WE WERE DONE, then and there, and for him NOT TO MESSAGE ME ANYMORE. Despite that, he continued, sending me several more messages, and I told him to STOP or I would BLOCK HIM. He honestly thought he could SALVAGE IT, WITH ME, at that point, so HE KEPT TRYING, but he COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG. He had JUST TOLD ME who he REALLY was, and THAT was NOT FOR ME. I got EVEN MORE ANGRY, with each message, he KEPT sending me, after I TOLD HIM TO STOP-- that, IT WAS OVER. Finally, because, I was JUST SO MAD, I-- COMPLETELY-- BLEW MY TOP, and messaged him back saying, "FUCK OFF, VAGINA FACE!" After that, he stopped, messaging me, and it was OVER. I've thought about him many times since then, remembering all the times that he had CHARMED ME and MADE ME SMILE. But, 'in my heart of hearts' I knew that I had done the right thing; although, my PARTING WORDS to him WERE REGRETTABLE. I don't know how anyone achieves a nice, polite, breakup, when the 'shit' hits the fan. Especially not where passion was involved. I was very attracted to David. He wasn't my FIRST choice (JOE was; from the OTHER singles site I put a profile on) but I had thought, had hoped, we could create something REALLY GOOD together.

 

David said a couple of other things in those last messages to me, when it became clear to him that HE HAD BLOWN IT WITH ME, which further showed me I'd made the right decision, to END IT with him. They were things that CONTRADICTED his earlier statements to me regarding what he was physically attracted to in women, showing me that he had more than likely just been fake with me in things he said in order to try to get together with me. That deepened my distrust of him. TRUST and RESPECT are essential ingredients in a relationship. I don't take being lied to well, at all. There is NOTHING he could have SAID or DONE to win me back then.

                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Those very last messages between us aren't here, because I was so angry I didn't save them. Here are some, of the messages between us, though. I wrote to David first, after reading his profile on the website. Because of the distance, and the fact that neither one of us wanted a long-distance relationship, which we stated, in our profiles, I simply sent him this note of support, wishing him luck in his search. I'm on these sites to find my own romantic relationship, but I also message others, at times, just to encourage them in this often frustrating and futile-seeming venture, making it clear that they are not my type, for romance, so as not to lead them on.

[Note: My messages to David are in the gray boxes, below, and David's messages to me are in the blue boxes. These are just some of them and parts of these have been deleted, by me, here, because they were, too personal, or sexually explicit.]

Hi! I really like your profile alot and wish I were 'local' to hopefully meet you. I think you deserve a great woman because you have your head on straight and seem like a good man. I hope you meet her. I have only had my profile on here for a couple of days and am still trying to get used to the site and such. I would like to meet a man something like you. Good luck in your search!

Hi there. I really enjoyed reading your message. Thank you so much. I know I would enjoy the chance to meet you. It would be so nice to meet a real person instead of a scammer.

Hi, I read your profile again today and you seem like exactly the kind of man that I am looking for- hoping for- holding out for. If I could have written the description of the man that I HAVE NEVER HAD BUT WANT IN MY LIFE, your profile here would be it. That being said, we have BOTH SPECIFIED in our profiles that we want a LOCAL connection for a REAL-LIFE RELATIONSHIP, and we live 100 miles apart. What are your thoughts on that? Do we pass up the chance to meet because of that obstacle? It could become a real issue, opening me up to heartache that I DON'T NEED IN MY LIFE. I like being single, as in, I never liked being married, and I am not at all interested in marrying anyone again. I have been divorced for half my life now-- by choice. I also like living alone. I am the very opposite of the kinds of women that you have had to tell to leave you alone, in your profile. I don't want anything from you or any other man but to be treated well, be good company, be someone I can trust, and make me laugh. Tambien, yo estudia Espanol in la escuela para tres anos, muchos anos atras ahora, y necesita a practicar mas en Espanol porque no me recuerdo muchas palabras ahora.

Hi there. I have to say I really enjoyed reading your message. You are definitely

Someone I would like to get to know. You make me feel you are comfortable in that you read my profile. Haven't had that for a long time. Well I do have to agree with you in that we both would like someone local. It would be so much nicer. But if you are willing to keep interacting and communicating, being that neither one of us are in a rush and we are looking for the right person, I would like to know more.

I have to say I just finished reading your profile.. I had not read it all the way through. I just liked how you communicated with me. We do have a lot in common and I will say you had me laughing through a lot of your profile. But I would have to say I'd be in trouble with you. I have a mustache and goatee and I have had it since I was 21 . But I will say I think we could share a lot of laughter together.

I like your honesty. I am very open and honest myself, and I don't think any relationship can come of people not telling the truth. I liked it when you said my profile even made you laugh! I have a good sense of humor and I LOVE TO LAUGH! I can't imagine falling in love with any man that can't make me laugh. That one thing is the way to my heart! Yeah, I have to keep it real and admit that I don't like the facial hair, and I don't like kissing that kind of thing on a man's face, so maybe we will just never kiss! To me, it looks like you have a woman's pubic area on your face. MAYBE I could GET PAST IT? I never have liked that, my whole life, though, so truthfully, it may keep me from finding the relationship with you that I am actually looking for here. The distance between us isn't fun either. Those are the ONLY TWO THINGS that I see UP FRONT that I don't like, regarding you and I. The rest of it is AMAZINGLY AGREEABLE, based on what we each shared in our profiles here. So, 95% seems like a GOOD MATCH! [Note: the site's algorithm rated us at that percent of compatibility with one another based on our personal information and answers to specific questions that the site provides as a matching tool.] It MIGHT BE WORTH MEETING at least, due to that, to see if we have any IN-PERSON CHEMISTRY TOGETHER. Even if we just became friends, while we each CONTINUE LOOKING FOR LOVE on these sites, we could have fun doing things together just as friends. It beats just staying home until or unless we find our 'soulmates'.... I am not like alot of women, so men say I am refreshing and unique, that I am NOT BORING, etc.! So, if you are up to it, let's message some more here with the goal of meeting in person, sooner than later, to see if we get along face-to-face. You said you want to know more about me. Just ask. Hopefully you can understand why I ALSO HAVE QUESTIONS for YOU before we would ever agree to meet. I am READY TO HAVE SOME FUN! DO some fun things. Enjoy the summer, etc. I am still concerned about Covid though (that virus has REALLY CRAMPED MY STYLE, socially speaking!!! UGH!!!), so OUTDOOR activities would be my first choice, to start with. Walks. Outdoor seating at restaurants. Parks. Picnics. Live Music venues outdoors. Etc. Let me know what you think. This relationship is only going to be what we make it. Si posible, digame en Espanol tambien, para practicar mas! No todo. Solamente un pequeno cuando tu escribe a me aqui. Gracias! Hasta luego.

By the way, you did have ONE photo of yourself WITHOUT THE FACIAL HAIR on your profile, and THAT is the ONLY ONE that I REALLY FELT TURNED ON BY! I think you looked BETTER WITHOUT THE HAIR.

Hola como fue su dia? Aun me estas haciendo sonreir cuando vi su mensaje. Yo tambien tengo que practicar escribir espanol. No lo hecho mucho en los ultimos 30 anos. Puro hablar. Well that should give a bit of practice. But I will say your Spanish is very good for only learning mostly in school. Well I will say I did not have a goatee till I moved here.. But the mustache since I moved to the US when I was 21. Well you know that hair doesn't grow on the lips. Just above. Lol You are very open and I am pretty sure you are open to joking around. I'm still laughing about the vibrator😅 but that only doubles the fun with a good partner. I agree with you about Covid. It was a real pain. That's one thing I enjoy about my job. I don't interact much with people. But I had enough of that nonsense then and refuse to let it control me any more than it did when it first came out. Insane!!!! I do love the outdoors although I've done very little of that once I moved here. Just no fun by myself. So have kept busy with work. I used to go camping a lot and I do a lot of nature photography. If I see a pretty flower anywhere I'm taking a picture. Wildlife yup. Well I have to agree with you about what we make of the relationship. Regretfully we are not as close as we would like, but we can make the best of what we can in any way we can. Neither one of us is possessive but looking for that companion to make us laugh and smile. Well I don't mind answering questions you might have. One thing I liked is the question and answer section. It can really help you see if that person matches you since they have no idea what the other is looking for. I did read all your answers. I so enjoy how candid you are. So refreshing. If I have answered a question, the answers are up for interpretation or comments. I might surprise you. 🤣 So what kind of questions do you have. Any topic is open. I agree we can have fun both on line and in person. Especially if we continue to learn what makes us grin, smile and laugh. I'm open if you are. Hope you have a great day tomorrow. Look forward to seeing your next message. PS I Do love kissing. I'll bet we could figure something out

I added a few more pictures for you. But was younger and had more hair. I won't say I have a lot of hair on my chest but enough for you to run your fingers through. LOL

Gracias para un pequeno Espanol a practicar. I only had 3 years of Spanish class-- back in high school! Your most recent message made me laugh out loud-- more than once!-- which is a good sign. It made me smile. That is what I need more of in my life-- more laughing and smiling! Never can get too much of that. Yes I am very open and love to joke around. The only kind of 'humor' that I DO NOT LIKE is PRANKS-- squirting me with spray or having something cave in on me, etc. I HATE THAT STUFF and DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY-- AT ALL. Pranks can also physically injure people or damage or destroy someone's property. Many years ago a guy grabbed me against my will and threw me into a swimming pool fully dressed with my glasses on. He didn't even KNOW ME or if I could even SWIM at all-- a VERY STUPID and DANGEROUS 'prank' to do to someone. He damaged my eyeglasses (which I had to pay for), etc. I considered him a COMPLETE JERK and avoided him after that. I had SCREAMED for him to NOT DO THAT to me but he did it anyway--thinking that was 'funny'. IT WASN'T TO ME! I love the photos you added-- for me-- THAT WAS SO SWEET! Yes, I DO really like your face without the hair ..... sigh! I will try to keep an open mind. Yes, I do love to run my fingers through the hairs on a man's chest-- although I have been celibate for a loooong time now, so I am sure it will be special, for me, when that time finally comes again. What is your work schedule like, if we decide to meet? Can you drive here to meet me, if we decide to do that? Internet dating is a risk for everyone but typically it IS MUCH MORE DANGEROUS for the WOMAN, so I prefer to stay on my 'home turf' as much as possible, especially at first. We are strangers, after all. Some people are truthful on these sites and some aren't, so I have questions I would ask ANYONE-- not just you-- because I take nothing for granted in how people present themselves. These questions might feel strange to you, or even offend you, but they are standard for me to ask any man here because of the risks involved. So, if you don't mind, we can get some 'serious' things out of the way: Are you married or separated from a spouse? Do you live with anybody? Are you romantically or sexually involved with anybody? If single, how long have you been single? Are you a registered sex offender? (believe it or not, there is an increase in them being on these sites preying on women who they clearly deceive into meeting them, & these sites DO NOT DO BACKGROUND CHECKS on people using the sites). Are you in good health? What is your worst habit? what is your best personality trait? . . . . By the way, giving and getting massages IS ON MY LIST of things that I AM LOOKING FOR. I LOVE holding hands, hugging, touching, and I like (passionate!) kissing-- but NOT French (tongue in my mouth) kissing. YUK! That has NEVER FELT GOOD to ME. NOT EVEN ONE TIME. A TOTAL TURN OFF. . . . . I LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY too. If you come to meet me you should bring a camera (or use your phone camera) because we have a geese family here, and other wildlife, etc. I am SURROUNDED BY NATURE HERE. I love listening to the birds singing in the trees. Bringing binoculars for birding is also a good idea, here. . . . DO YOU LIKE TO GO FOR WALKS? What types of food do you like? (You know I am very open so feel free to ask ME anything as well!)

Hey there. I am like you in that I don't like pranks. I don't like stupid actions. I own my own Home Repair business so my hours vary, but I am the one who decides what I do.. And yes I would drive there. I have never been in that area before. You have made me laugh with your questions. Not that I mind, but what mugger, thief, rapist is going to say what he is? You take the same chances with someone you meet at a party, store or even a church. You just have to be careful. One way I have to verify a person is I ask for a photo of them holding 2 or 3 fingers up, or a picture of paper with a note or letter. That shuts down most anybody who are using someone else's pictures.. I was separated from my wife when she went back to her kids and they stole a bunch of my stuff. She passed away last April. And yes I do live with somebody. My oldest boy and his wife and 2 kids moved here from Chicago when he lost his job due to Covid cutbacks. We just figured out it was cheaper to merge the expenses. Everything has got so expensive. Insane. I have dated on and off for last several years but nothing serious. Just haven't found the woman who likes basic things in life. Doesn't expect things from me. I do them because I enjoy simple things in life. Like your walks or just watching a good tv show with a partner next to me. I love sitting around a fire joking and just relaxing and looking for shooting stars. And no to having a relationship in at least 2 years. I have not been celibate as long as you but it has been too long. I'm like you I have or better said used to have a high sex drive. But have been one to have quick flings. In my opinion it takes time to [Explicit Sexual Content]. It only gets better each time. [Explicit Sexual Content]. No fun then.

Well I can't say I'm in good health at the moment. They are trying to get my a fib controlled again. Worst Habit hmmmm! Probably being on time. Because I never know how long a job will take, even if it is easy. Lol. Best personality trait. I'm very caring and supportive. I so enjoy helping people. It has been over 20 years since I had a massage. I do love making a woman melt as I give one. But that has been awhile. Warm oil full body massage. Ohh so good. And makes good foreplay. Grin I had one lady I gave one too. And I told her I would not take advantage of her. And I didn't. She fell asleep and I covered her up and left. The next day she was really mad at me because I hadn't. Win some lose some. She gave me no clues 🤔 Now with all the things you don't like, you need to remember that everyone does things different. Sometimes its fun to find out what you thought was no fun changed with a different person. Sex is that way. Size matters. Some like it small others large and some don't care. As long as it fulfills the others desires. My old boss said he didn't need more than 10 min. I gave him hell for that. I asked him about her. He didn't care. I told him he was missing out of the best thing. [Explicit Sexual Content] He moved to Florida and then wrote and said I was right. He is still learning. But long ways to go.

I use my phone camera all the time but my Nikon cam reach out. So I love that with nature. I do enjoy walks even if a bit slow now. [Deleted] My job has been hard on me. As far as food, I love home cooked meals. I'm a simple man. And my mom could sure make food taste good. I do like Chinese. Mexican not so much because I was raised on the real thing. We had 2 restaurants in Mexico City. They were for the working class. Nothing fancy but ohh so good. Well this should give you a little more insight. I may have to ask you about your passionate side. Grin. You have me intrigued. Take care

I LOVED YOUR LAST MESSAGE TO ME! It was PERFECT! WISE. INSIGHTFUL. THOUGHTFUL. OPEN. HONEST, SIMPLE. REAL. I just had to tell you that much right up front.

SO MUCH of what you said REALLY RESONATES WITH ME. I like life's SIMPLER things, too! I am NOT a 'roses' girl-- PLAIN DAISIES are MY FAVORITE FLOWER! A symphony to ME is listening to the birds singing in the trees, or listening to the crickets at twilight. Walking on the beach collecting seashells is my favorite thing to do, in Nature. GRATITUDE for WHAT I HAVE is a KEY THING WITH ME. I LOVE TO LAUGH! If you make me SMILE and LAUGH it OPENS MY HEART, more than any other thing. I know that 'axe murderers' and such likely won't admit that is what they actually are, as far as my questions. BUT these questions STILL TELL ME ALOT about the men on these sites that I ask about them. Most often, men simply want the romance with a woman, and could care less about her as a HUMAN BEING. Being asked ?s pertaining to MY PHYSICAL SAFETY is not 'SEXY' to most men here, and their TOTAL LACK OF ANY RESPONSE shows me how INDIFFERENT THEY ARE to MY VALID FEMALE CONCERNS for MY SAFETY (since women ARE generally much smaller and weaker than men, etc.). If they act INSULTED that I EVEN ASKED THEM THESE THINGS, it tells me that they DON'T CARE to EVEN BOTHER to HELP ME FEEL SAFE with them. A couple of men DISAPPEARED here after I asked them, which-- regardless of WHY that is-- tells ME that I DID THE RIGHT THING to ASK THEM about it. If they can't or won't HANG IN THERE with the TOUGHER things that are NOT so 'sexy', they won't MAKE A GOOD PARTNER for ME in a REAL RELATIONSHIP. So, I DO learn ALOT about men from what they do when I ask and how they answer or don't respond. YOU DID VERY WELL with this 'test'! Better than ANYONE ELSE has, SO FAR. (I DO need to tell you, though, that I WAS a STRANGER RAPE victim, when I was 21, and it left me with some LASTING TRAUMA in ways. So, FEELING PROTECTED AND SAFE with a man is SOOOOOOO IMPORTANT TO ME. I WANT a BIGGER MAN THAN ME, to PROTECT ME, and HOLD ME, and MAKE ME FEEL SAFE WITH HIM. Someone like YOU LOOK. I also went through domestic abuse when I was married, and after divorcing in my 30s, I CHOSE TO STAY SINGLE ever since then.) Opening myself up to LOVE with a man has brought me some VERY UNPLEASANT 'SURPRISES' in my life-- some REAL 'BAIT & SWITCH' BULLCRAP, that I NEVER want to be subjected to EVER AGAIN-- especially not THIS LATE IN LIFE. You are right that perverts are even in churches-- frequently on the news they show an arrested Youth Pastor or such caught doing something awful to females in their care in that church setting. IT IS REALLY SAD. One of my best friends lives in Memphis TN and she has had her young relatives come on hard times and live with her, like you are doing. I think that is VERY LOVING of BOTH HER AND YOU! As for ME, I LOVE LIVING ALONE, because I have been a 'loner' my whole life, and it brings me solitude and peace that I need to 'refuel' my soul and heal from the 'bumps and bruises' that my trying to interact with other people cause me at times. Because I AM SO 'REAL', I TAKE ALOT OF FLACK FOR THAT from people, who are JEALOUS OF or THREATENED BY my vivacious personality and FREE SPIRITEDNESS as I JUST ENJOY LIVING LIFE! The "basic things" in life are EXACTLY WHAT I CHERISH THE MOST! The taste of a cheeseburger or a chili dog. The sound of waves on the sandy shore. The awesome colors of a sunset. The way someone feels in your arms-- or how you feel in their arms. The joyful release of a deep belly laugh. Sharing popcorn watching a movie or a TV show together on the couch. I don't like or need 'fancy'. I am DOWN TO EARTH. GUESS WHAT?!? I also have bouts of A-FIB! Mine are NOT CONSTANT-- THANK GOD!-- but I get them-- even moreso when the weather gets hot and humid, taxing my body system much more then. The very kind of weather we are JUST ABOUT TO HAVE now. I haven't given anyone a massage for a very long time, but it's one of the things I KNOW I WANT TO DO for and with 'my guy' when we find each other (which only time will tell if that is you, or someone else). Because I have lived as a 'bachelor(ette)' for decades now, I tend to eat like one-- because I am by myself. I eat in front of a TV show or movie, and often right out of the pan I cooked it in. There's no one to impress, so I just keep it really simple, because I am alone. You can ask me about my "passionate" side or anything else you want to ask me. I would use my vibrator EVERY NIGHT if I COULD because NOTHING ELSE puts me RIGHT TO SLEEP with a POSSUM GRIN on my face like those ENDORPHINS I get from a BIG orgasm. Over the years, I have learned how to use these things on my own body to get a really good reaction, so I have a GUARANTEED ORGASM 98% of the time. THE BRAIN is the MOST IMPORTANT sex organ though because even though the vibrator FEELS GOOD TOUCHING ME, I HAVE TO HAVE some SEXUAL fantasy concocted IN MY BRAIN that I am 'living' IN MY MIND in order to get a BIG ORGASM. I am NOISY when I am aroused and REALLY NOISY if I COME HARD, so there's NO WONDERING WITH ME if it FEELS GOOD OR NOT. YOU ARE RIGHT that SEX is WAY MORE FUN for the MAN TOO if he TAKES THE TIME to get the WOMAN REALLY EXCITED FIRST! THAT IS SO TRUE! Especially since women take longer to reach that point of arousal than a man, usually, and can also come more than once in a 'session'. I guess that's all for now.... So far, since making my singles sites profiles, I get alot of response, for some reason, so I have come close to meeting 5 men, so far. But, when I had to decide about them, none of them seemed like they could really be 'the one'-- and I am ONLY LOOKING FOR ONE because I am VERY MONOGAMOUS and HAVE BEEN CELIBATE OTHERWISE-- for A LONG TIME NOW. You sound like you COULD maybe be 'my man' I am looking for, but I honestly wonder if I will be able to get past my aversion to facial hair because THAT IS SO DEEP IN ME. I am just being honest about it. YOU NEED TO KNOW that it is A REAL OBSTACLE for ME. IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN. I promise I will DO MY VERY BEST to DEAL WITH IT if WE GET THAT FAR and MEET ONE ANOTHER, though. I will REALLY TRY. I don't want to miss 'really good' because of 'not perfect', when I AM NOT PERFECT BY ANY MEANS EITHER.

I'm just sending you a short message saying how much I enjoy you being candid about your sexuality. That is fun to learn about. Sometimes in real life you have walk on egg shells because you don't know how to deal with it and you don't want to scare off potential partner. Question for you. Have you ever tried [Explicit Sexual Content]. It just builds things more intense. Its funny how some guys feel threatened if she wants [Explicit Sexual Content]. All a lack of confidence if you ask me. Hey I will write you a more detailed letter tonight when I sit down to relax. Thank you for making me grin😊

Hi! I like your openly communicating with me as much as you are enjoying my openly communicating with you! I definitely don't want you to ever feel you have to 'walk on eggs' with me-- just be YOU, be REAL, be HONEST, and TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING. Intimacy is about ALOT MORE THAN SEX, which I can tell that YOU already KNOW. . . . [I deleted alot, here, because it's extremely private between THIS man and ME.] The toys don't really feel the same as a man, so men that think it's a competition with her toys don't realize that SHE ALREADY HAS THE TOYS (like I DO) so she may not technically NEED the man for sex, but SHE WANTS THE MAN. Her vibrator can't kiss her, hold her, necessarily caress her, etc. NOTHING ELSE compares to an actual MAN with a woman-- for better or for worse. How long does it take to drive here from where you live? If we decide to meet, are you open to doing Covid Home Tests for each other, to try to keep each other safe and well, etc.? I used to be vaxed, but even so I caught Covid last June for 8 scary days. Because I felt 'poisoned' throughout my body after the 2nd Pfizer vax, I stopped getting vaxed. They weren't PREVENTING me GETTING Covid, and they did make me feel like they had SOME SIDE EFFECTS that I DIDN'T LIKE FEELING IN MY BODY. But they are supposed to prevent 'serious illness or death' if someone catches Covid and I am HIGH RISK for issues IF I GET IT because I am in my 60s now, I have allergies and asthma, and occasional high blood pressure and A-Fib. I have just been STAYING ISOLATED-- for the last several years now, and that is taking a toll on me and I think it's not good for my health, either. What are your thoughts?

Hey there. I'm sorry. I thought my name was on my profile. I'm David. Pleased to meet you. I haven't heard that in so many years. You started my evening with a big smile. Well I guess I had better go back to earlier message. I like to make sure I answer all your questions or comments. Well I will say we like the same things. Nature and walking in the sand at the beach is always so peaceful. Always fun to find a nice shell. I have a metal detector to help find those treasures. Lol I definitely want the romance and I want the love that can grow from it. I will say it sounds like you have not known too many men like me. My woman always comes first, even in sex. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with a rape. I know when I was back in college I was surprised by how girls had that to deal with. And I did not need to have a relationship with them. They just trusted me enough to talk to me. Lol I am bigger than you huh? Grin I will say I enjoyed being alone in some ways, like if I came out of the shower I could walk around nude and not worry. Hard to do that now. Even my bedroom is not safe from kids that forget. Lol But my life really enjoys the companionship of a good partner. I did have a girlfriend who would sit with on the sofa and we would just have a sheet over us. Led for some fun times. I have enjoyed so much of the few conversations we have had. You have made me laugh and smile more than I have done in a long time. One day I'll make you the best hamburger you have ever eaten. Mouth watering. If I ever won the lottery I would buy 2 houses. One on the beach or close and one in the mountains looking over meadows and valleys. I so love that feel of touching my partner. If I walk by you would always get a kiss or be touched somehow. I enjoy old fashion movies. Like Old Yeller, Shaggy dog, just good family movies. That make a person laugh and smile.

I used to have a fib all the time but they stopped that. Now just off and on. We are the same about hot and humid. I'm not fond of summer. Favorite seasons are spring and fall. I agree with the massages. Been too long in giving or receiving. And so fun when it gets sensual. Fun to torture a partner with a feather or kisses, and say they can't move. I have not sat at a dinner table in over 40 years. I can tell you have not been with a man like me. Grin. I love to snuggle after making love. More intimacy. I have never liked it when a partner gets up and does something else. Felt used and discarded. And by the way 20 min is just a warm up. [Note: I deleted alot here, due to its sexually explicit content.]

Haven't looked at time frame to drive. Still learning about the woman. If you wanted Covid test that's fine. I had Covid with pneumonia in June also, so I remember it well. I now have the natural antibodies in me. I never took the shots. I heard too many negative reports and the government was pushing too hard. I don't trust them. I have learned of a lot that the government does and doesn't tell people. I refuse to let my fears control me. People can get crazy sometimes. Did you know when they wanted everyone to get shots and even the military, all politicians were exempt? And a good part of federal workers too. Well I hope I have fired up your imagination like you have done mine. So fun to learn what gives the other pleasure. Have a great day. David

We make each other smile! Only meeting in person will tell us if we actually have physical/sexual/romantic 'chemistry' together, but so far so good as far as our getting to know one another. I enjoy our talks together here, too! David happens to be my FAVORITE name for a man-- truth, not flattery! So why did you choose your Profile Name here on this site?

I did know a man ONCE in my life that was a GREAT LOVER who ALWAYS pleasured me in bed. We were married for awhile, in our 20s, but we wanted different things for our lives and I set him free to go after his dreams because I knew I DIDN'T want those things for MY future, so I couldn't have been the SUPPORTIVE WIFE that HE NEEDED. He found HER-- his RIGHT one-- when I started the divorce, and they have spent a long, happy, life together. He is the father of my son-- my only child-- who considers his stepmother (that TRULY WONDERFUL WOMAN) to BE his MOTHER because I transferred his custody to THEM so he could learn to be a man from his dad and have a two parent home. Jim was this man's name-- an Air Force officer when I knew him-- and he was BY FAR the BEST LOVER I have EVER HAD in MY LIFE-- and UNFORGETTABLE, to ME, for that reason. His birthday happens to be June 2nd. He was GREAT IN BED, but JUST NOT 'right' for or with ME in a relationship OUTSIDE OF THE SACK. Our whole relationship was nonstop sex-- GREAT but NOT ENOUGH to BUILD a MARRIAGE on JUST THAT.

I was FRIGID for awhile after the stranger rape, and JIM is the man that was like my own private SEX THERAPIST, slowly, lovingly, carefully, BRINGING ME BACK from the TRAUMA that LEFT ME FRIGID to becoming MORE OF A NYMPHOMANIAC, with HIM. HE SET ME FREE to HAVE MY SEXUALITY BACK, after the rape, so I am FOREVER GRATEFUL TO HIM. MANY women REMAIN frigid after a rape, for the REST OF THEIR LIVES. I was ONLY 21 when I was raped, so that was ROBBING ME of MY FUTURE chances for love, sex, and happiness with a man. JIM GAVE THAT ALL BACK TO ME.

What became of your girlfriend you describe? It sounds like you two were compatible! How long has it been since you have been in a romantic relationship? It has been DECADES for ME now. I kind of JUST GAVE UP TRYING, plus I AM a LONER by nature (ALWAYS HAVE BEEN-- and a NIGHT PERSON-- I am NOT a MORNING PERSON AT ALL, either), and I LIKE LIVING ALONE for PRIVACY and PEACE.

As for the hamburger (CHEESEBURGER, please!) I must tell you that I DO like my meat WELL DONE and MANY people (ESPECIALLY chefs) HATE THAT ABOUT ME! LOL! I am the one eating it though and I WON'T EAT 'PINK' MEAT. It HAS TO BE WELL DONE for ME! I always kid that ONE of the MANY advantages of being SINGLE and having NO ONE TO KISS is that I can eat ALL the RAW ONIONS or GARLC etc that I WANT! LOL!

COVID is CRAMPING MY STYLE. I TRULY HATE COVID!!! It's EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD and IT'S DANGEROUS FOR ME if I catch it! The ONCE, last June, was SCARY enough. You had the pneumonia too so YOU KNOW you were on the CUSP of DANGEROUS DEVELOPMENTS with it when YOU had it. I still do wear my masks in places, etc. I DON'T CARE what ANYONE thinks about that-- it is MY LIFE AND HEALTH that I AM PROTECTING, so someone's OPINION of that DOESN'T MATTER TO ME. I am High Risk for 'serious illness or death'.

You spoke of buying houses if you won the lottery-- would you ever MOVE from where you live NOW? Your BUSINESS CONTACTS are likely in the area where you live now-- your customers, etc.

Old Yeller is a great movie but I CANNOT WATCH THAT because since I was a little girl it TRULY TRAUMATIZES ME that the dog got rabies etc. I can't watch things like that-- I even turn from Nature shows when they start showing one creature hunting and killing another creature. I understand the cycle of life and the food chain etc., but I CAN'T WATCH IT. I LOVE movies that make me smile and ESPECIALLY make me LAUGH. 'Book Club' is one of the FUNNIEST movies I have EVER seen-- but the women are like 'peers' to me so I totally get where the movie was coming from, as a 'senior' woman now. Someday I'll see the sequel to it, that I think is in theatres now. I just watched the original one on TV, streamed on my large screen desktop pc-- which I am on NOW typing this to you.

The summer heat but especially the humidity REALLY EXACERBATES my AFIB and I HAVE PASSED OUT a couple of times including once in front of one of the maintenance men here, when I was talking to him about some repairs I needed, and he said he had to catch me before I hit the floor where we were speaking. I just VERY SUDDENLY GOT FAINT and BOOM-- I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER FAINTING. It was EMBARASSING for ME-- to PASS OUT and BE UNCONSCIOUS in front of someone like that. I have told most people here about my AFib now etc so they know I have more issues with my heart than my active, energetic, self may make me appear, People often comment on how quickly I move about and walk etc.!

You mentioned the feather thing-- Just FYI: I HATE TO BE 'TICKLED'-- absolutely hate it. But, I LOVE to be STROKED and TOUCHED and CARESSED, with just enough pressure amounts to NOT 'tickle' or even enough pressure to be MASSAGING. Truly hate tickling though.

I am reading your message to me and responding to it as I type this.... 

How long have you been divorced?

I may nickname you 'G man', with a smile, [Explicit Sexual Content] (which I KNOW just what you are talking about, with that description, because I have one SAVED FOR LATER in my Cart online).

I didn't want to get the Covid shots AT ALL but felt I HAD TO.

(Warren Buffett lives in Omaha, College World Series baseball is in Omaha, etc.-- a great city to live in actually.) 

Eluding me so far, is finding someone I consider my Soul Mate for a romantic relationship.

Because I felt POISONED by the 2nd Pfizer vax, and they STILL DON'T KNOW if those shots give people LONG TERM HEALTH ISSUES, themselves, I STOPPED getting them. So I have NEVER BEEN BOOSTED, and any protection from the 2 initial shots series I DID get has worn off-- PLUS I GOT COVID when those shots were IN me supposedly PROTECTING me, anyway. IT IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.

I THINK that's all the responses I have to your last Message here to me.... I need to go back to bed. It is 5 AM. Sometimes morning comes when I am STILL UP from being a NIGHT PERSON. LOL! Because the hot weather is hitting us NOW finally, I just stocked up on ice cream to cool off, and Gatorade, because I STILL HAVE TO go for WALKS for CARDIO and general exercise even though it's hot. I don't walk too early (including because I don't DO 'early', being a Night Person my whole life) or too late, because the MOSQUITOS are AWFUL here! I have scars on my legs now from mosquitos! Last summer a wasp colony built a hive under my chair outside and stung me. The middle of the day, is the best time to be outside due to the bugs-- but the hottest part of the day, too. I got Breyer's Strawberry ice cream and a MANGO flavor they make now, to try.

I have stayed a slender size 6 my whole adult life. I am very energetic normally, and have a high metabolism.

I love how you are JUST BEING YOU with me and how we just TALK OPENLY AND HONESTLY about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I am just 'me' because THAT is the ONLY person I CAN BE, and YOU NEED TO KNOW who that IS, for better and for worse. I have qualities and faults just like everyone else. Some insecurities too, although I generally am very self-accepting and affirming.

ONE thing I have SOME concerns about is the fact that I have been celibate for 25 YEARS! So, NO MAN has BEEN INSIDE ME for a LOOOOOONNG time now! In the meantime, I am NOW post-menopausal, and I have NO IDEA AT ALL if that will AFFECT my vaginal area, or HOW, or WHEN, if I become sexually active again now. I do know, from using my vibrators SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK, usually, that my SEX DRIVE IS STRONG as ever! But, I JUST DON'T KNOW what the changes in my body due to menopause may MEAN for my sexual function INTERNALLY. I know that women DO STAY SEXUALLY ACTIVE though, their whole lives, if they so desire, and I DEFINITELY have NO LESSENING AT ALL of DESIRE. I also don't know if I can even REMEMBER HOW TO KISS at this point. Although I haven't been with a man for DECADES, I HAVE stayed sexually active using my toys-- but I DON'T KISS them, etc.

I so enjoyed waking up to your message. I was thinking it would be nice to hear from you in the morning. And guess what? I got my wish. I'm going to read it now. I'll answer it after reading it. Grin. Thanks sweetie you made my morning

My day got busy and I was talking with one of my girl friends here, that is a neighbor, about some community issues, etc. You must have gotten busy too I take it, since you messaged me this morning that 'you would respond after reading my last message to you'? I have to make supper now. I am really tired today, so I may or may not be back on here later tonight. I hope you are well and safe etc. I only say that because you have always been so reliable at following through and communicating, and your message to me this morning rather set the expectation that I would be hearing from you again today. Have a nice night!

Hey there.. I'm so sorry. I had to work a bit in the heat today and it forced me down to relax. It sounds like it is doing the same to you . Well I have to say we are the same in that we both are night hawks. Have been all my life. I usually stay awake till 2 or 3 every night, unless I have appointments. Well I'll send this so you know I'm working on replying to your letter.

I'm so glad you like the name David. Good for me lol. My favorite thing is spending time with a supportive partner, and I've not had a lot of luck there. [Deleted] I'm glad that he was able to get you out of the rape situation. So sad what guys will do and say the girl wanted it. You do make me smile every time. My girlfriend decided she wanted to go do her thing. She had just inherited $500,000 and I didn't want her thinking I wanted her for her money. So we went our own ways. It has been several years since I had a relationship. I just don't get out and bars are not my thing. That one girlfriend I had met online. But I stopped using the site for a long time after it was bought out by another dating site. It just wasn't as good. And I got a lot of phony likes and scams. You are the only one who has caught my attention. Like you I just gave up trying.

Well your hamburger can be cooked any way you like. Mine are so juicy and not pink inside. The meat I use is the secret. I only use sweet onions. It has been 3 years since I went to the beach. Covid ruined that for me and besides I don't like to do that by myself. Too boring. Most mask have been proven not to be effective against Covid. But I'm sure they help a bit. Oh you ask if I would move and the answer is yes. I'm not fond of where I live now. I like small towns. My business contacts can be acquired anywhere. People always need help with houses.. I remember that old Yeller did the same to me. But meaning I enjoy family movies. Lol you have it easy with your computer. I just use my phone. You and I are so much alike in what we like and health. And not too many woman I know are night hawks. I smiled when you said you had passed out. I think I've done that 4 times. But mine was caused by seizure. I had a swimming accident when I was 21. And I was not aware I had a problem till I did. Then several years later I had stopped taking my meds when I moved here. I had forgotten I needed them. Oops!!! But no accidents for a long time. Thank goodness. You do the same as I do. I read your message and respond to all comments. I separated from my wife 13 years ago. She moved back to Utah to be with her kids. And I stayed here. They had stolen all my guns and most of my stuff. They also had issues with drugs. She passed away in April two years ago. [Explicit Sexual Content] As far as early I am the same. I would rather sleep in and cuddle and whatever and make love if both in the mood. I love to have my partner lay in my arms and snuggle. And better yet if she has wandering hands. And nude is even better.

You do know there are electronic mosquito repellers? I think they extend around 15 to 20 yards. You have good taste in ice cream. Good brand. I was raised on mangos. So good. Size 6 huh? I have always wanted to make love to a woman that size. Well as far as how old you are a lot depends on your desire I think. Like you said it has a lot to do with your mind. Well if you can get past my 'pussy face'. Lol I bet kissing would come back quick. People all kiss different and I think it has to do with the passion in ones mind. So I have to ask since you so up front with your desires and what you like. Did you have a favorite position you enjoy more? [Explicit Sexual Content] Have you ever had a fantasy that you wanted to try but never got the nerve to? I have to ask. grin. Hope you are resting good if you crashed early. Maybe this message will be like the one you sent this morning. I had a grin on all day.

Good morning I hope you slept good last night.

Question for you. Do you like bowling? I used to like that but haven't done that in many years. But I enjoyed it because you have time to laugh. And you can hear each other.

So what are you doing today?

Do you have google chat or

Whatsapp, or telegram? They all are better for communication and sending pictures and such

LOL! I just read your comment "I had a grin on all day" and I smiled so big because usually a man would say to a woman that he had a HARD ON all day! Your 'GRIN ON' is A FIRST FOR ME! You asked: "Did you have a favorite position you enjoy more?" YES! It's been a LONG TIME since I have had ANY SEX other than (FREQUENTLY!!!) with my toys, but I definitely liked [Explicit Sexual Content] So ... HOW ARE YOUR KNEES???

I am on a desktop computer-- it has the keyboard separate and mouse on the mouse pad separate and the CPU separate and a 27" flatscreen monitor-- all sitting on top of my 60" long desk that I assembled myself.

I am going to address the way your message to me yesterday was handled, because I think there's room for improvement there. It was the first time you ever let me down and I need to let you know that affected me, and how/why it did. You sent me "I'm going to read it now. I'll answer it after reading it." THAT IS VERY SPECIFIC. You used the word "now" and then stated "I'll answer it after reading it." Those words were telling me what you were going to do, and therefore for me to expect that from you. When THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN, I became concerned and even worried as the HOURS PASSED because I KNEW it didn't take THAT long to READ and REPLY as you had SAID YOU WERE DOING. Were you injured? Sick? Shot in some random violence that is EVERYWHERE IN AMERICA NOW? I DID NOT KNOW. YOU LEFT ME HANGING. Just try to THINK FOR A MOMENT how YOU would have felt if I had sent YOU the SAME EXACT MESSAGE and then ... NOTHING FROM ME, basically THE REST OF THE DAY. (You sent that in the MORNING. You FINALLY messaged me fairly late at night.) Then, your first message/explanation for your leaving me hanging ALL DAY LIKE THAT simply said the heat "forced me down to relax." ?!?!?! I'm reading that thinking, "REALLY?!? That's it?" You stated what you would be doing, then didn't do it (creating a problem that way, when THERE WAS NONE before, because YOU SET UP AN EXPECTATION that you COULD HAVE JUST NOT DONE AT ALL by your being THAT PRECISE in YOUR WORDING to me). And, your ONLY explanation (although the APOLOGY was certainly the RIGHT THING to do, at least) was to say that RELAXING was the PRIORITY for you after NOT FOLLOWING THRU with ME. .... Just TRY to imagine this BEING REVERSED and I DID THAT TO YOU. How YOU would FEEL. I tell you something I will do with you. I DON'T. I DO apologize but go on to say that after NOT DOING IT I JUST NEEDED TO RELAX. All day you wondered WAS I ALRIGHT? SICK? INJURED? IN TROUBLE? because I didn't DO what I had TOLD YOU I WOULD. .... It is the ONLY time you LET ME DOWN so far, but BECAUSE of that it REALLY AFFECTED ME. I don't trust you as much now. I can't count on you as much now. People make mistakes and aren't perfect, including me. But just think HOW YOU WOULD FEEL if I did THAT to YOU. That is ALSO why I TOOK MY TIME logging on today, to even see if you had finally even messaged me or not. I decided to hold this potential relationship with ALOT MORE OPEN HAND than I had been doing. Keeping my options open, more than I was. In fact, there is ONE other man on another site that I am currently messaging. I narrowed it down to the both of you (both from the same city, by the way), from many men that have messaged me on these two sites, and I have been messaging both of you, trying to figure out which I like better because you both offer me different things, and both offer me the potential for sex. Yesterday, I was tired and upset being left hanging by YOU, but I STILL made a point to message HIM yesterday so I WOULDN'T LEAVE HIM HANGING as HE messages me every day, too, like you have been doing with me. Here is a copy & paste of what I sent HIM to AT LEAST LET HIM KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH ME because I didn't want to JUST LEAVE HIM HANGING (like you did with me): "Hi Joe! It has been a busy week, getting more stuff done [Deleted] little by little, and right now I feel like I need to get off this computer and just relax some, eat supper, pick out a movie to watch as I eat, etc. So this message to you isn't going to sound too 'energetic' at the moment as I feel kinda tired tonight." At least I LET HIM KNOW. He read it but didn't answer it, likely because it was far from my usual interaction with him. But, AT LEAST I didn't just LEAVE HIM HANGING, and responded that much because he had Messaged me and deserved a reply since we have been messaging almost every day; like you and I do. So, I just need to keep things open and honest with you, David, and tell you that I am a MONOGAMOUS person by nature and I CAN'T HANDLE (NOR DO I WANT) TWO MEN in my life. So, at some point I need to BE ABLE to PICK ONE. You two are the ONLY two I am messaging right now. Prior to YOU TWO, I messaged 5 other guys, between the two sites, that I came close to MEETING IN PERSON-- but then I DIDN'T, because JUST AS IT GOT TO THAT POINT, and they SAW that I LIKED them enough to AT LEAST MEET THEM IN PERSON, they started acting like I WAS A SURE THING because I 'liked' them, that much, and they thought they could start sliding, in how they treated me. Not only did I CANCEL MEETING every one of them, BECAUSE OF THAT DISRESPECT THEY SHOWED ME, but I BLOCKED THEM so they could NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN in THEIR search for WHATEVER THEY SEEK HERE. I am on these sites to find WHAT I WANT in a MAN and IDEALLY that will MATCH with a man who is WANTING SOMEONE LIKE ME. But I TURN OFF PRETTY QUICKLY to being shown any kind of disrespect, and I just need you to know that and then decide if you are IN THIS WITH ME or not. YOU DECIDE. But, ACTIONS ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and I can't believe that you couldn't TAKE THE TIME yesterday to message me QUICKLY to say, "Hey, I know I just said I was going to read and reply to your message to me, but I got called out on a job and it will be longer than I thought before I get back to you. I might be kinda tired after that too with this heat." Something. ANYTHING, to LET ME KNOW. NOT LEAVE ME HANGING. ... Just think if YOU would like ME to DO THAT TO YOU. That's all. A relationship is only as good as BOTH PEOPLE MAKE IT. I am NOT SETTLING FOR LESS with ANY man than BEING TREATED WELL.

I haven't bowled for years but I did enjoy it.

[NOTE: A friend of mine wasn't sure that I should have said what I did to David, about my being left hanging, after he told me, HE WOULD DO SOMETHING, and then HE DID NOT DO IT, or even send me a quick sentence, just to let me know  he was alright. This is what I said to her; followed by, David's response, to me.]                                                 

                                    

                                    I have ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS telling David-- or ANYONE ELSE in MY LIFE-- EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. Healthy relationships do that. Openly and honestly. Counselors taught me about the IMPORTANCE of BOUNDARIES and SETTING CLEAR EXPECTATIONS in relationships. I DO those things because the relationships MATTER ENOUGH TO ME TO RISK IT-- so they survive and thrive. If a relationship doesn't include honest communication, it is really just posturing, pretending, and placating. There's ALOT of UNHEALTHY relational patterns HERE, in this community, that I have observed, and tried hard to extricate myself from participating in, and those enabling and superficial behaviors of people here contribute greatly to how TOXIC and DYSFUNCTIONAL relationships are here. . . . As a matter of fact, David totally got where I was coming from, and acknowledged HE wouldn't want ME treating him that way. All I really explained to him was the problem developed between us only because he set up specific expectations and then didn't meet those expectations that he set up. He explained what happened, and apologized, and that is the end of that. It happened. We talked about it. We grew closer, solving it, together, because IT MATTERS to US BOTH. Then, we moved on .. together ... no hard feelings at all between us ... talking all night, until just now, because HE IS A NIGHT PERSON, LIKE ME, TOO! Messaging back and forth with one another for hours tonight. As a matter of fact, the HONESTY I BRING to our relationship has HELPED US to TRUST EACH OTHER and to GROW EVEN CLOSER. Honesty and openness make a FIRM FOUNDATION to BUILD ON. Clear communication helps us to understand one another's needs in a relationship, and to build trust, because if someone really cares about someone, they WANT to TRY THEIR BEST to MEET THOSE NEEDS for ONE ANOTHER. But, they HAVE TO KNOW what those ARE to be ABLE to TRY to DO THAT!                                                                                                                                                                           

                                                       

I am so sorry I left you hanging. Since I only use my phone it takes longer for me to write the messages I like to send to you. I promise I won't do that again. I did miss you all day. What happened was that my client called and needed to get in their rental. And the lock was not working. So I had to run out. I had to pick the lock then go buy new ones and install. And problem was the property was on 3rd floor. It was making my a fib kick in hard. After that I had to meet another client and they made me wait for them to get there. It was just a hard day. They have me trying a new a fib med so it is taking a bit to regulate. I did ask you if you had another chat method. I would so enjoy replying at a faster pace. You do deserve that. I'm very glad you let me know how you felt. Communication is crucial in what ever a partner needs. That's why we have been trying to learn about each other.

Well I will say your favorite position is fun. I do love [Explicit Sexual Content]. The advantage of being tall. grin. Do you have [Explicit Sexual Content]. Some women don't. So I want to ask.

And I'm glad you were worried about me.. that means a lot. Not used to that.

Hi there! Are you still upset with me?

I think [Explicit Sexual Content] depends on my level of arousal, the guy's touch, and other things. Reading your messages to me, I need to ask you to leave JUST ONE THING OUT-- especially if we do meet in person and become lovers. When I was raped, I instinctively put my hand over my vaginal opening right after he finished raping me, and I felt his semen on my hand. After that, for a couple of years, I couldn't even be touched AT ALL by A MAN in ANY WAY-- not even hand holding. Any attempt to be sexual caused me to start violently wretching like dry heaves when vomiting, I WAS SO TRAUMATIZED. I was like THAT when JIM met me. At first he thought I was just reserved like alot of women are at first with a man. When I couldn't even hold his hand though, after dating awhile, and I had a nightmare one night (about the rape) and bolted from the bed in PURE TERROR (we had not had sex but I stayed over at his place to sleep then because we had been out really late and I couldn't go back to the barracks-- I was USAF-- that late without disturbing my roommate there). I was SO SCARED by dreaming about the rape that night that I sprang from the bed and across the room and couldn't even speak for awhile I was so terrified and traumatized. Jim HAD NO IDEA what was WRONG but he instinctively was patient and eventually I was able to slowly get the words out, "I... was... raped." He set his hand out and sat still waiting for me to take it and trust him and that took a couple of hours that night for me to cross the room back to his bed and slowly sit next to this man and slowly put my hand in his hand. From there, he took it slow but he eventually brought me from trauma and frigidity to being a nympho who could not get enough sex with him-- because he made sure IT FELT GOOD to ME, too; not just himself. Anyway, EVER SINCE THE RAPE, there is STILL ONE THING that SHUTS ME DOWN sexually and I need to NOT ACTUALLY HEAR ABOUT IT OR SEE IT IF POSSIBLE. [Explicit Sexual Content] and he was MAKING ME FRIGID AGAIN, doing that, so I CUT HIM LOOSE for MY OWN MENTAL HEALTH. I can deal with everything else sexual in nature pretty darn well! But if a guy [Explicit Sexual Content] IT SHUTS ME DOWN. [Explicit Sexual Content] TRAUMATIZING to me. [Explicit Sexual Content] It is the ONE lasting SCAR from the stranger rape when I was 21. I am sorry to have to tell you IT STILL AFFECTS ME, but ONLY IN THAT ONE WAY. As I said before, MANY WOMEN REMAIN FRIGID the REST OF THEIR LIVES after a rape. I am ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES, due to JIM'S PATIENT 'sex therapy' with me, when he was my boyfriend at Keesler AFB where we were both stationed. He DID A GREAT THING by BRINGING ME BACK TO FULL SEXUAL FUNCTION-- and PAST THAT to REALLY BEING TURNED ON BY SEX. But THERE IS THIS ONE THING, that I realize as you say that to me, is RISKING SHUTTING ME DOWN. So, I thought I'd better just TELL YOU that finally than let it GO ON and SHUT ME DOWN toward SEX with YOU, if we get that far together.

No, I am not still upset with you. I just saw that message to me, that indicates you saw me come onto this site but I hadn't messaged you yet, leaving you wondering. No, I had my say about it to keep the air clear between us-- I communicated to you how I felt, you acknowledged it and apologized and are mindful not to do it to me, and we are ALL GOOD THAT WAY! I was on the site but just typing a LONG message to YOU which I JUST SENT YOU-- and stopping to snack on some biscuits in the kitchen that I baked earlier this evening! So, I was HERE but JUST typing to YOU, and I had to pause as I wrote it to think HOW TO SAY IT to you, etc.... It was about the rape and that is hard to put into words sometimes.

Sorry for the typos. I make more typos as I type longer.

I'm still reading your letter. [Note: he is referring to my messages on the dating site.] I had the site up to see if you were on it tonight. I so enjoy your letters. Anyway I'm going to finish reading your letter and reply when I finish it.

Since you are here on the site while I am, and you reached out to me here in real time, a few minutes ago, will you please let me know your thoughts about what I was typing tonight to share with you, because it was hard for me to say and I want to know how you are handling that information from me.

I am smiling because I just read your note to me in real time here, reassuring me that you are still reading my message to you and that you will respond after reading it. I smiled seeing that because if you are feeling what I am feeling, we are actually finding and creating a real romantic relationship together here, that I hope can eventually translate in real life face-to-face times together. Time will tell. I will SEND this to you and then message you about the other stuff....

So, as a little background, since you mentioned Joe, both Joe and you live in the same city, and you are both quite tall, are a couple of years apart in age, and you have similar jobs-- he is in construction.

I just finished reading your letter. I'm so glad that Jim was able to help you out of your shell. As far as the [Note: my request I made of him to leave one thing out of the conversations with me] I don't mind that at all.

It sure made me smile when I saw you had messaged me. I've missed that special connection we are building as we get to know each other. So sexy.

I HAVE been LOVED by men in my life, but I feel like I have STILL never been loved WELL-- and THERE'S A REAL DIFFERENCE. [I deleted alot here.]

You and I have been REALLY PROGRESSING in our RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER, here, and we can and do talk about anything and everything openly and honestly-- ALL VERY IMPORTANT AND HEALTHY SIGNS of our building a REAL RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER! Even though I finally had to tell you that I just 'shut down' if [Explicit Sexual Content], due to the rape, we are able to discuss it and solve it, as a necessary subject, so it doesn't undermine OUR relationship WITH ONE ANOTHER. So, we are doing GOOD so far, David! I thought I had better tell you about it, now, especially since you [Explicit Sexual Content] in messages to me because YOU DIDN'T KNOW, so that if we do get as far as meeting one another and such, it won't be an issue, getting in our way, when we want to start being intimate with one another, if we have that chemistry in person.

It will be something I will have to work out. But I know we can.

[I deleted my messages to him here.]

I did too. Both my exes got mine. So I have to try again. I was in the real estate business for over 15 years. I dealt with all the foreclosures of the banks. At one time I had 60 I was taking care of. And I saw so many go so cheap. But then banks started selling them in lumps to investors. So the little guys got knocked out of the loop.

I need a bathroom break.. and another biscuit to munch on as I pass thru the kitchen back to here.... I'll be away a few minutes

I'm ready too. [Explicit Sexual Content] Lol. I want to make up for lost time too. Grin🤣

That's ok.

Don't let me keep you up if you want to give your hands a break. Question for you. Are you at ease [Explicit Sexual Content]?

I'm back.

I am reading your messages to me to reply so hang on while I respond to you...

You are a work in progress to learn. Grin

I'm not sure WHAT to THINK ABOUT THAT comment! LOL!

We STILL DON'T EVEN KNOW if WE have actual PHYSICAL, SEXUAL, CHEMISTRY TOGETHER-- and the ONLY way to truly KNOW FOR SURE is to COME TOGETHER FACE-TO-FACE.

You know I am already nervous about my reaction to the facial hair. Your clean-shaven picture is the only one that I THINK is SEXY to ME. Looks-wise.... I need to answer your question now about being comfortable [Explicit Sexual Content].

LOL! I am trying to think HOW TO SAY THIS....

Oh I fully agree. Like I've told people. We may both love sports but opposite teams. I will tell you up front. No matter how much intimate things we share. I will never expect anything more than a smile when we meet. Maybe a hug lol

I am VERY COMFORTABLE with [Explicit Sexual Content] and with [Explicit Sexual Content] and I DEFINITELY like [Explicit Sexual Content] and [Explicit Sexual Content] and [Explicit Sexual Content]! ONE of the things I want to do for 'my man' is [Explicit Sexual Content]....

I just want to know you as much as I can.

sorry about my typos tired fingers do typos

Wow. Never had that before. I might have to [Explicit Sexual Content]

[Deleted my messages to him here]

You can quit saying if we have chemistry. That has always been a question till we meet

DID you EVEN KNOW that I ALSO have a REAL SENSE OF HUMOR?!? I LOVE TO LAUGH!

I hope so. I love real laughter but hate comedians.

I have the [Explicit Sexual Content] for you [Explicit Sexual Content]. Lol

Not only do I NOT prefer [Explicit Sexual Content]....

I like to BELLY LAUGH-- so hard I can barely breathe! If someone CAN MAKE ME LAUGH-- THAT is the KEY to MY HEART!

I'm glad you do. I love seeing [Explicit Sexual Content].

I am [Explicit Sexual Content].

At least I would not have to [Explicit Sexual Content]

I hopefully get to see that. So sexy

LOL! There would be NO DOUBT [Explicit Sexual Content]! You would NEVER HAVE TO WONDER.

LOL! If I start watching a TV show in the middle of your touching me, THAT is A BAD SIGN...

Do you have STRONG TIES to STAYING THERE? It has alot to offer....

LOL! I considered [Explicit Sexual Content]

No I have no ties here except my oldest boy and his family.

Mmmm sounds good.[Explicit Sexual Content]

There's actually WORK HERE like what YOU do and such but I won't really get into all that now....

It is everywhere for my talent. Have you ever wanted to [Explicit Sexual Content]

Are you tired? Should we 'disconnect' for the night? I have a delivery tomorrow. Another couple of them coming Wednesday .... the saga continues. LOL!

Have you ever had a fantasy you wanted to do, but did or didn't get the courage up to do it?

Yup we do. I have to be up at 8. But I hope you [Explicit Sexual Content]. Sweet dreams

Didn't. Lol

[Explicit Sexual Content] I learned in the past, and it CAN be a 'buzz kill' instead of a help....

Sometimes things [Explicit Sexual Content]... Just sayin'...

Very true.

I just have to answer the FANTASY fulfillment ? you asked me before we sign off

The fantasies [Explicit Sexual Content] that turn me on sexually [Explicit Sexual Content] to [Explicit Sexual Content] to even [Explicit Sexual Content] and ALOT of even KINKY things that I would MOSTLY NEVER DO IN REAL LIFE. I let my FANTASY LIFE GO FREE to some REALLY WILD PLACES like what I just described.

I have a fantasy about [Explicit Sexual Content].... In real life, I am not sure if I still OWN any [Explicit Sexual Content]...? I would have to look (I have ALOT of [Explicit Sexual Content] in my bedroom).... and I RARELY drink. So, WHEN I DO DRINK, IT AFFECTS ME ALOT MORE than a large man so I get drunker easier and faster. It causes me to lose any inhibitions, too, so it has been DECADES since I drank around ANY MAN AT ALL-- maybe 25 YEARS now!!! and I RARELY DRINK AT ALL now or since.

Lol crazy ideas. Now I'm getting ideas. I like no inhibitions. Never had that. Get some rest and will catch you tomorrow.

I even think of JIM sometimes because to this day HE was the BEST LOVER that I EVER had and we have been divorced for over several decades. I DIVORCED HIM because I wasn't the RIGHT WOMAN FOR HIM AND HIS LIFE GOALS. I still loved him when I divorced him though. He is the ONE man I NEVER GOT OVER. Yet, I can CLEARLY SEE that WE WEREN'T RIGHT FOR ONE ANOTHER. So, I don't even know where he is now but he IS happily married since then to a WONDERFUL LADY and I WISH THEM WELL. I don't miss my RELATIONSHIP with him but I DO miss the HOT HOT HOT SEX with him. It was the BEST I EVER HAD!

I haven't [Explicit Sexual Content]... Maybe it's the NOT KNOWING about our CHEMISTRY together yet? Or maybe it's the facial hair thing? I don't know....

Oh well i tried😁

When I [Explicit Sexual Content] I need [Explicit Sexual Content].

[Explicit Sexual Content] my fantasies [Explicit Sexual Content] are NOT anything I would ACTUALLY DO in REAL LIFE..... SO FAR...

Well all I can say is I hope we keep things on a positive note. Grin. Silly woman

Open up your imagination about me

"Open up your imagination about me" ... Shave your face and I might.....

I bought the CUTEST little [Explicit Sexual Content] to wear when I [Explicit Sexual Content] too.... I am NOT QUITE READY [Explicit Sexual Content], but I am REAL CLOSE to BEING READY now which is WHY I ran my two singles site profiles. Have a nice night. Sweet dreams!

I ENJOY BEING A WOMAN! Can you TELL, that I LIKE being a GIRL?!?

Hopefully, YOU like me BEING A FEMALE....

I am FLIRTING WITH YOU NOW!

I do for sure. I think you are amazing . And I would only want a female. KEEP FLIRTING 🤗

Oops! I am very truthful and I just realized I forgot about ONE time drinking around a man in the last 25 years-- a neighbor invited me over to his porch ONCE last summer for a few drinks. NOT A GOOD TIME. Would NEVER GO THERE AGAIN. Didn't count THAT because IT WAS SO AWFUL. Just sat on his porch.

TRY to SLEEP now... LOL! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT-- after our VERY STIMULATING CONVERSATION HERE! *smiling so big*

Hey there. Good morning. Hope you did some tossing and turning lol I did. My mind kept wandering.

LOL! I DID TOO! I was thinking and feeling SO MUCH that I barely got ANY sleep at all! I feel like a ZOMBIE today! Because of that-- us BOTH BEING SLEEP DEPRIVED-- I am not going to be on here late tonight. I REALLY NEED to be WELL-RESTED for tomorrow because I am in the middle of a project that has ALOT of PARTS to it and I have neglected it the last several days due to stress and fatigue, etc. and it's just sitting there IN MY WAY, UNDER FOOT, until I GET BACK TO IT, after starting it, and GET IT FINISHED. TOMORROW'S GOAL for me is to GET BACK TO THAT and DO IT.

Lol Well I'm glad that you're gonna get some rest tonight. And those 'Jigsaw Puzzles' can be a real pain. Anyway what were you feeling?

I wanted to say something about your facial hair-- that I realized during the long sleepless hours of my tossing and turning last night. (So, the SLEEPLESSNESS-- as I THOUGHT MORE about US, then-- actually HELPED ME WITH THIS, in ONE WAY anyway, to THINK OF AN ALTERNATIVE about it.) It is TRUE that sexual attraction just 'IS'-- we feel what we feel, attracted to, and IT IS WHAT IT IS, and that is largely out of our control. I mean, why do some people crave Strawberry ice cream and someone else not like that at all but love Chocolate ice cream, when they BOTH LIKE ICE CREAM? Sexual preferences are like that. They JUST ARE. It is SCARY in a way to KNOW that, even as 'close', relationally, as we are becoming here, now, ALL THAT could just VANISH in a FAST SECOND, like a wisp of smoke blown by the wind, THE MOMENT WE MEET one another. Because we BOTH are already CLEARLY EMOTIONALLY INVESTED in this relationship, so IT MATTERS TO US, and what we are building here together seems to hold such promise of being the very thing we are on this site searching for, there is ALOT AT STAKE when we finally MEET. So, because of that, I FEAR, my reaction, to the facial hair, because, if it does turn me off in person, like it does in the pictures, we are doomed to fail. I will always have THAT 'first impression' in my mind. (YOU could ALSO find ME unappealing, in ANY NUMBER OF WAYS, when we meet face-to-face, as well! It cuts both ways!) Anyway, I realized, during the LONG, SLEEPLESS, HOURS all last night, that I actually DO feel that FACIAL HAIR on a MAN is VERY MANLY(!), and therefore POTENTIALLY 'sexy' to me. But, I have NOT enjoyed ANY of my actual past interactions with men's facial hair-- food on their moustache when they kiss me, not being able to 'connect' with their lips on mine because of the bristly hairs blocking that skin-to-skin connection of the kiss, the bristles against my soft lips not feeling pleasant to me, the snot from their nose hanging on their facial hair after they sneeze. Etc Etc Etc. YUK!!! THOSE IMAGES, of my past experiences, with men having facial hair, TOTALLY TURNED ME OFF to those men (AND to facial hair on men), and once THAT sight got STUCK IN MY MIND about them, IT KILLED ANY DESIRE in me to have them EVER touch me IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. So, it actually, single-handedly, DOOMED those relationships-- EVERY SINGLE TIME. So, I have ALWAYS BEEN HONEST with you about that-- from the VERY START-- so YOU KNOW that you are taking a HUGE RISK coming to meet me with that on your face. YOU RISK our WHOLE RELATIONSHIP on that ONE issue. It is THAT IMPACTFUL. Only YOU can decide which matters most to you. [Deleted] However, THAT BEING SAID, I think that MY MAIN OBJECTION (TOTAL 'TURN OFF') to YOUR facial hair, specifically, is how it TRULY reminds ME of a WOMAN'S VAGINAL AREA, the way you have it grown/styled, so it doesn't seem MANLY to me, AT ALL, when I see it-- it looks like a grown-- otherwise manly-- man PUBLICLY decorating himself with a WOMAN'S PRIVATE PARTS ON HIS FACE-- which looks VERY 'EFFEMINATE' TO ME. I have NO lesbian tendencies, so I have NO DESIRE to put MY lips on a WOMAN'S PRIVATE PARTS. So, we DO have a REAL ISSUE between us, with this. That being clearly said (because I need for you to know that IT BOTHERS ME ALOT), if you just HAD to have facial hair, for some reason, is there SOME OTHER WAY you can GROW that, by design, OTHER THAN looking like the EXACT REPLICA of a WOMAN'S 'PUSSY' ON YOUR FACE (which TURNS ME TOTALLY OFF)? If it wasn't in an oval, circling your mouth, like it is, but was maybe some kinda short but sexy shadow-like bearding along the jawbone line, farther away from the mouth, etc., that would look VERY HOT AND MANLY to ME, and I think I could REACT VERY WELL to THAT then, as in, FEEL A STRONG FEMALE ATTRACTION TO YOUR MANLINESS, THAT WAY, THEN. As always, as we openly discuss things with one another, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS? We are creating this relationship TOGETHER, and we can make it something wonderful together, I think. If I didn't think so, I wouldn't even discuss it with you, at all-- I would just end our interactions, altogether, as chalked up to a LOST CAUSE.

You asked me about fantasies last night, and I didn't fully answer. I fantasize about finding [Explicit Sexual Content]... Last night, as I tossed and turned over the facial hair dilemma, I began having a fantasy that [Explicit Sexual Content]! I have fantasies about [Explicit Sexual Content]. I have fantasies about [Explicit Sexual Content]. I have lots of fantasies.... These are just some that I have had. I didn't [Explicit Sexual Content]. I just lay there unable to sleep much at all, thinking, and feeling, and wondering, and wishing, and trying not to freak out from all the unknown about it all.... If it is MEANT to BE, surely it will FIND A WAY. Maybe, our meeting here is PART OF OUR DESTINY... We shall see, soon ....

Oh, I also realized something else-- about you-- last night. I said that MAKING ME LAUGH is the doorway to my heart-- and it is. But, MAKING ME SMILE has THE SAME EFFECT-- if you DON'T make me laugh, so much. . . . YOU MAKE ME SMILE, David! . . . . I think of you SO OFTEN NOW and I just START TO SMILE. .... YOU MAKE ME SMILE-- ALOT!

I actually finally told Joe about you today too. It seemed only fair since I finally told YOU about HIM. I told him that I met another man on these 2 sites (you are on one and he is on the other) and that (you) and I had become quite close now, by sharing so much, so openly and honestly, with each other, and that although I met him about the same time, this other guy (you) was leaving him in (your) dust at this point; and so I need to know if (Joe) is really invested in our relationship progressing, in any way, or just wants to keep it superficial, like it has mostly been, so far, because I am looking for a real-life relationship here. I have no idea what Joe will reply. I just needed to let him know, because he SAYS, all along, that he is looking for his right woman and is attracted to me. He isn't 'investing himself' in it like you are, though, David, so the two relationships can't even be compared equally anymore, because you have outshone him relationally speaking.

You ASKED ME, 'What was I feeling' last night, and I told you, honestly. Now I would like to know what YOU thought about, and were/are feeling?

So, YOU ASKED ME what I thought/felt and I TOLD YOU, and you switch photos on your profile and GO SILENT ON ME? This is just a courtesy message to you to tell you that I am deleting or disabling my account on here tonight. I wish you luck in your search for the right girl for you.

David, I hope you are just 'leaving me hanging', AGAIN, like you have already done to me, before, and are not, sick, or injured, or something like that. You made me cry, ghosting me, which is why I disabled my profile yesterday. The site asked me WHY I was DISABLING my account, and I said, 'Because I AM CRYING. This is JUST SO HARD.' I came back today though to continue looking for a man for me that won't just throw it all away so easily, because I came on this (and the other) site to hopefully find the man for me. I didn't get the chance to say the rest of what I was thinking and feeling, yesterday, after you asked me to tell you, before I saw that you had just ABRUPTLY LEFT THE CONVERSATION WITH NO EXPLANATION TO ME AT ALL. I had more to tell you, and it was something like what I told other guys on these sites about YOU. This is what I told Kevin about you, a new guy messaging me on the other site who lives locally in my area: "I am RIGHT ON THE EDGE of falling completely in love with this man I already told you about, though. That was also why I cut the other one, of the two I told you about, loose. I explained that to him. I didn't want to LEAD HIM ON once I knew I was getting some REAL, DEEP, FEEINGS for the OTHER GUY of the TWO. The only reason I can't say for sure right now if I WILL fall the rest of the way in love with this man is because UNTIL WE MEET FACE-TO-FACE we just CAN'T KNOW if we HAVE the NEEDED physical/sexual attraction to make a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP work. Hopefully, WE CAN MEET SOON. THAT IS WHERE I AM, RIGHT NOW." The other man, that I cut loose, that I told Kevin about, was Joe. This is what I told Joe, about YOU: "He is really CONNECTING with me and 'putting in the work' to GET TO KNOW ME better, faster. He and I talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in a VERY HONEST AND OPEN WAY, building connection and trust by doing that. Because of that, even though I 'met' him on that singles site pretty much the same time I 'met' you on this singles' site, he and I have advanced ALOT FARTHER down the road toward preparing to meet one another in person, soon, for the much-needed and very-telling 'chemistry' test, that CAN ONLY BE GAUGED by MEETING IN PERSON. I am ENCOURAGED by HOW WELL things are REALLY DEVELOPING with HIM (his name is David), and I must say he & I are just now finally starting to already feel like we are IN a REAL relationship with one another. HE is doing an IMPRESSIVE AMOUNT of BEING IN THIS to REALLY KNOW ME, and IT HAS PAID OFF, as I've developed a REAL CLOSENESS with him now. We just need to FIND OUT if we have IN-PERSON CHEMISTRY. AT THIS POINT, David stands alot better chance of ENDING UP WITH ME, if we DO find that we ALSO have CHEMISTRY when we meet sometime soon." Those two quotes were Copy & Pasted onto here, word for word. THAT, is WHERE I WAS, and WHAT I WAS FEELING, when YOU JUST WALKED AWAY, after ALL your INVESTMENT in OUR RELATIONSHIP. I do hope you find the woman that you will stay in it with, to work out the inevitable issues, that happen, in real relationships, and not just ghost her, especially after asking her to communicate with you, just because she is honest with you (please don't punish honesty) and tells you something that you don't want to work out with her. LOVE is HARD TO FIND. If you DO FIND IT, FEEL IT, for someone, someday, David, DON'T LET IT GO SO EASILY like you did with me. It's far too precious, in this world to just be tossed away. I hope you are safe and well, and find who you are looking for! I TRUSTED YOU, which was REALLY HARD FOR ME after what men have put me through in my life. But you destroyed that ABSOLUTE TRUST I FELT for you the two times you JUST LEFT ME HANGING, like THAT is WHAT I DESERVED, FROM YOU. My TRUST IN YOU was SUCH A HUGE COMPLIMENT to YOU, but YOU 'rewarded' that risky fragile trust by LEAVING ME HANGING-- TWICE. After the first time, I explained how that hurt my trust in you, and asked you not to do that to me again. WE DID SO WELL, REALLY BONDING, BECAUSE, WE COMMUNICATED HONESTLY. Then, apparently, you PUNISHED ME by GHOSTING ME, for MY BEING HONEST. You worked really hard, to build something beautiful, with me, that you then, just tossed away, like it was trash. You showed me what you really thought of what we were building together-- and what you thought of me. I figure if it was MEANT TO BE with us that you would NOT HAVE DONE THAT, so I am trying to accept this as HOW IT HAD TO BE. But, for awhile, YOU REALLY CONVINCED ME that YOU were going to be MY MAN from God. The one I pray for. The one I am looking for. Since you apparently DIDN'T BELIEVE that YOU were THAT man, couldn't you have AT LEAST given ME the COURTESY of SAYING THAT TO ME here? I thought we were BOTH BEING HONEST with one another. But, it seems that NEITHER ONE of us felt RESPECTED by the other. I HAVE TO HAVE RESPECT. That is why I DON'T WANT YOU BACK, and I know that YOU DON'T WANT ME either now. I just WANTED YOU TO KNOW, for WHATEVER IT IS WORTH to you, that I was already actually FALLING IN LOVE with you. If we had met and had chemistry I would have been yours. NOW I DON'T TRUST YOU WITH MY HEART. It is RUINED between us now. Because we BOTH share BLAME though I wanted to tell you the REST of 'WHAT I WAS FEELING' that YOU ASKED ME TO TELL YOU, before you JUST LEFT ME HANGING IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING YOUR QUESTION ABOUT THAT-- ONE DAY AFTER you told me that I am "amazing"-- which is REALLY CONFUSING TO ME. You don't treat "amazing" like much, I guess. At least NOW you have THE REST of my ANSWER about what I was feeling that night we BOTH TOSSED AND TURNED. I CUT JOE LOOSE because of how I FELT ABOUT YOU. I truly hope you find someone you will think enough of to treat better than you did me at the end. YOU DESERVE a GOOD WOMAN! And, I deserve better from a man, than JUST LEFT HANGING. I gave YOU closure here, now, so you have that from me, for whatever it's worth to you. NOW you KNOW.

Hi. Hey I'm glad to see you again. Hey you seem to think I bailed on you because I didn't answer right away. I text you first thing when I woke up. I checked a few times to see if you had replied. I had to work all day remodeling a kitchen. Then came home and did some yard work. I got overworked and had to lay down. When I woke up at 9:30 and went to check to see if you had replied, you had already shut your profile down. You left me no way to reach you. I had asked you for a better way to reach you so we wouldn't have that problem. We have had an excellent interaction with each other so far. Now this message is just to let you know I will respond to your letter this evening. Not sure of time. BUT I WILL . I'm off to work right now and not had time to read your message. I do enjoy getting them as we make each other smile. Please do not shut me down till I have time to read and respond. Try to have a good day.

Hi. I hope you have had a good day. Anyway here I go to start a reply to your message. If you recall after we had been chatting for some 2 hours and having a lot of fun while we did YOU TOLD ME that we needed to get some rest. You had to get some deliveries so you had people coming by. I agreed because I had an early morning. But I really had not wanted to, because of our positive communication. But we both did. In the morning the first thing before I even got out of bed was to send you a message letting you know I was thinking of you. I then went to work, and I pushed myself too hard. Around 6:30 I could not stay awake anymore and my back was killing me. When I woke the first thing I tried to do was reach out to you. I saw the time you said were upset at me again and you were terminating us and your profile. I had even ask for a way to reach you other than this website because I wanted to try to answer when you replied. When I'm working I usually have the radio on and don't hear rings. But I was trying. Needless to say I did not sleep good that night either. I did try to find you on the other website and I did see your profile but it would not let me send you a message. We both have enjoyed being ourselves with each other. So why would you think I would just throw something away that had been so special to me. I still want to hear more about you and see if we couldn't build something, but we do still need the chemistry. But we can still continue to build on what we feel. WHY WOULD I WALK AWAY FROM SOMETHING THAT FELT SO GOOD, AND MADE MY MIND BEGIN TO FANTASIZE. SO FUN even if you have issues. It hurts when I enjoy sharing [Explicit Sexual Content] but can't talk about it because of your past issues. I am a different man than any others, just as you are to me. I used to think [Explicit Sexual Content]. I found out when I was around 35 that I had been missing out. It is all about making the effort with who you are with. THE PAST IS GONE. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO LEARN FROM IT OR LET IT HINDER YOU.

No matter what happens in our future I will ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW MUCH I ENJOYED HOW MUCH WE WERE ABLE TO INTERACT. I have never had that before, and I doubt I ever will again.. Well I will say that whatever happens it is in your hands. You HAVE NO IDEA HOW SPECIAL YOU MADE ME FEEL. AND I WAS TRYING TO DO THE SAME. You always think the worst of me. You should have talked to me instead of assuming you thought you knew what I was thinking. I so enjoyed the thought of you [Explicit Sexual Content]. We would [Explicit Sexual Content]. We are both so [Explicit Sexual Content]. Anyway I wish you the best. I'm still here anytime you want to reach out. We shared so much in the little time we had. THANK YOU SO MUCH😊😋

And by the way my facial hair never covers my lips. I hate when men do that and I don't blame you.

When we communicate it seems like we both enjoyed that and were actually good about that-- open and honest with each other. But I am not a psychic, to know what is going on if you don't tell me. When we are in a conversation and you have to go to sleep or to work, it seems to me you could send even ONE QUICK SENTENCE SAYING THAT so I don't just feel left hanging. I am sharing VERY HONEST THINGS with you, here, and when YOU DON'T RESPOND or REACT to those things, and on top of THAT you just SUDDENLY GO SILENT HERE (for WHATEVER reason) I have no way of knowing if I said something you are having a problem with, and trouble hearing from me, to see if we can discuss it and try to work it out, or if you just DISAPPEARED AGAIN leaving me having NO IDEA -- IF or WHEN-- our conversation will even continue.

I am in my 60s now and I have ALOT OF LIVING behind me-- things that have DEEPLY AFFECTED ME and SCARRED ME for life in some cases. Many if not most women that are raped cannot even FUNCTION AT ALL SEXUALLY. They spend their lives FRIGID and TOTALLY SHUT DOWN. I have COME A LONG WAY-- thanks to Jim's patience, compassion, understanding, and skill sexually, but there ARE some things I have trouble with, and you can't just say 'it is in the past' as if I should just somehow 'get over it' completely. IT WAS AND IS A TRAUMA in my psyche and will be for my entire lifetime. When I told you about the ONE lingering effect of the rape on my being able to have sex with a man, I GAVE YOU SEVERAL OTHER ALTERNATIVES other than [NOTE: the ONE thing that RETRAUMATIZES me]. I suggested [Explicit Sexual Content] without that ONE term that TRAUMATIZES ME because of the rape. In what you wrote tonight, I am glad you brought it up, to show me that it bothers you that I am a TRAUMA SURVIVOR and HAVE THESE SCARS to DEAL with, and it is clear that you aren't happy about my asking you to just help me with that so I could function sexually every other way. I not only have anxiety about that but after 25 years of no man in my vagina and me in my 60s now I don't even know how my vagina will do being reintroduced to penile penetration, when I am finally with a man again. UNDERSTANDING would have BEEN NICE but it seems you just want me to not have ANY issues for YOU to have to accommodate sexually with me. I cannot be PERFECT in EVERY way and NEITHER are YOU. I am flawed. So are you. I am scarred. So are you. It just seems like we can't get on the same page anymore, which is sad because I REALLY THOUGHT we had actually FOUND a REALLY SPECIAL CHANCE at SOMETHING GREAT TOGETHER here. Now, I feel like the air has leaked out of that balloon. Based on what you wrote to me tonight, you CLEARLY don't think I am "amazing" after all, although you told me that ... once. I don't know what to say. My feeling like I was RIGHT ON THE EDGE of actually FALLING IN LOVE with you seems to be gone, and I just sit here feeling kind of hurt, sad, disappointed, and torn. I really don't know what else to say.... Maybe you have something to say that can help this not go down the drain, but at this point I AM COMPLETELY DISCOURAGED.

That morning that you asked me what I was thinking and feeling when I couldn't sleep, I TOLD YOU. But I ALSO ASKED YOU what YOU were thinking and feeling when YOU ALSO COULDN'T SLEEP that night, and YOU NEVER ANSWERED THAT. You JUST LEFT ME HANGING again after PROMISING ME that YOU WOULDN'T.

One thing I know for sure, because men tell me this all the time, all throughout my life-- I am not like 'most women'. I am unique and they say it is a fresh air to them. They say I am more interesting and intriguing than most other women ever are. Men messaging me on these 2 sites now, even today, also say those things to me. So, my only comfort in the middle of this let-down and heartache, I feel, about us seeming to 'fall apart', now, is that you can meet other women-- hopefully one that isn't RAPE TRAUMATIZED like YOU PREFER for YOUR WOMAN to be-- but I guarantee you WON'T EVER find a woman LIKE ME. As for how I see YOU as a MAN, I have NEVER thought 'the worst of you'. I came right up to the VERY EDGE of FALLING IN LOVE with YOU, and I AM VERY PICKY so THAT is a HUGE COMPLIMENT TO YOU. I have just lost faith that you REALLY WANT THIS with ME. I think you have MORE MISGIVINGS about 'us' now than you have ever even expressed to me. Yes, I thought you were enjoying our interactions together as much as I was. I have had MANY FANTASIES about YOU & I being PASSIONATE together, and making each other smile alot, and doing things together, etc. NOW though, I feel like, because I AM a TRAUMA VICTIM, that YOU would NEVER BE HAPPY with what I CAN DO, sexually, and would always be frustrated or upset with me for the little bit that I CAN'T DO.

I NEVER SAID you CAN'T TALK ABOUT [Explicit Sexual Content], so YOU are the one putting words in MY mouth, which you accuse me of doing to you. I gave you several suggestions how to talk about that and asked you just please not to use ONE term. I HAVE TO BLOCK THAT PART OUT to be ABLE to FUNCTION (especially on a HOT level) and NOT GET FRIGID AGAIN. I ASKED you to HELP ME because HELPING ME with that would HELP US BOTH to be ABLE to have PASSIONATE SEX if we have chemistry together. I LOVE IT when you tell me I am "amazing"! (I AM actually, so you should tell me that ALOT MORE OFTEN, ACTUALLY - LOL!) I love it when you are [Explicit Sexual Content] and EXPRESS THAT. I LOVE THOSE THINGS FROM YOU AND WITH YOU! You don't understand the impact the rape HAS on a WOMAN because if you DID you wouldn't say to me that YOU consider it to be, my just 'NOT MAKING THE EFFORT', to 'JUST GET OVER' THE PAST, to do EVERYTHING you may WANT me to, or WISH I could, for you. I am 99% more sexual than almost every other RAPED WOMAN, but based on what you say to me, THAT IS STILL JUST NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU! It strikes me as selfish and insensitive in a way, but IF YOU MUST HAVE THOSE THINGS that I CAN'T GIVE YOU, then it's GOOD that WE FOUND OUT NOW that we CANNOT be SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE TOGETHER. Jim and I-- 40 years ago-- had sex ALL THE TIME. We couldn't GET ENOUGH or keep our hands (and everything else) Off each other. One morning as we left his apartment to go on base, his downstairs neighbors stood just inside their front door in bathrobes and looked so bleary-eyed as they said to Jim & I "DON'T YOU TWO E-V-E-R SLEEP?!?!?" I blushed, and got a faint smile on my face, and Jim and I JUST KEPT GOING OUT THE DOOR of the building, because WHAT COULD WE SAY?!? WE were like TWO GERBILS IN HEAT! That was the first sexual relationship I had after my rape. JIM MADE THAT POSSIBLE. Bringing me along back into my sexuality, as I was able to get there, slowly but surely. He DID have to use ALCOHOL to GET ME THROUGH THAT time period, though-- moreso at first than later on. He even told me he was GETTING CONCERNED about getting me drunk so often, before our 'sessions', because that helped me deal with the trauma. Eventually, I was fully able to be sexual, with him, all the time, sober. But, just like rape victims would be prescribed anxiety medication by a dr., Jim-- my own private 'sex therapist' boyfriend/lover-- prescribed the drinks to help relax me and loosen my inhibitions so I could FUNCTION FULLY SEXUALLY AGAIN without the brunt force of the trauma from my being raped. It would have taken MUCH LONGER to ACHIEVE (if I could have even EVER gotten there, to that point, at all), had I been FULLY SOBER AND INHIBITED by the TRAUMA in me that was making me frigid for a couple of years.

Regarding putting words in your mouth-- TWICE in these messages to me tonight YOU have done that to ME, also. I NEVER said you totally destroyed my trust but I tried to describe that IT WAS BEING DAMAGED (again) by your NOT COMMUNICATING WITH ME. I ALWAYS ANSWER YOU! Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship and OPENED THE DOOR for US to get so enamored with one another here through our sharing SO OPENLY AND HONESTLY with one another. You say you HAVE NEVER HAD THIS BEFORE with ANY woman, like you have with ME. What is that worth to you? To work on, move towards, even fight for, if need be? Or just SHUT DOWN and WALK AWAY, not even thinking I deserve for you to answer my questions, just like I always have answered yours. You say you doubt you will ever find this connection with a woman again like you have with me, and I suspect that is TRUE-- including because alot of older women lose interest in sex and I still CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT most nights UNLESS I GET A GOOD ORGASM from my vibrator to PUT ME RIGHT TO SLEEP. I am a HORNY little lady-- for sure! LOL! I am GLAD I made YOU feel special, because THAT IS HOW I SEE YOU! As being, a GREAT GUY that I think I would be PROUD to belong to (if you CHERISH the GIFT of me being your woman, and protect me and treat me like I AM a priority to you, as the woman who MAKES YOU FEEL THAT WAY, etc.).

You said here tonight that I should have talked to you about it, BUT I SENT MESSAGES, and YOU DIDN'T RESPOND-- even just to TELL ME that YOU WERE TIRED and RESTING or were WORKING and BUSY (but that you look forward to OUR Messages to ONE ANOTHER after that!) I have new guys messaging me pretty much every day on these 2 sites, but it is ONLY YOU that I have felt attracted to enough to think about being with you, dancing for you, being hot passionate with you, etc. JUST YOU. Because I DON'T PLAY GAMES with GUYS ON THESE SITES and I am a VERY HONEST AND OPEN PERSON, I told ANOTHER (new) man messaging me this evening that I thanked him for his message to me, but that RIGHT NOW there is ONE MAN I am FULLY INTERESTED IN enough to think that I MAY ACTUALLY BE FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM (YOU!) and that currently OUR COMMUNICATION has BROKEN DOWN between us, but that I am trying to find out now if we just END IT, or WORK ON IT because WE BOTH WANT IT. I told that guy because I didn't want to lead him on, but I also wanted him to know that IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT with (YOU!) that I will consider getting to know him, then, in the future. I am not on here looking for ALOT of MEN-- I put these 2 profiles online and am going through all this because I WANT to FIND ONE GOOD MAN for ME to have fun with and romance/sex with and walk on the beach with..... ALL I want is ONE man, that will CHERISH ME and KNOW I AM SPECIAL and BE GLAD HE HAS ME as HIS WOMAN. ONE MAN. I am still wondering if it is you-- that feeling of being almost in love has been tamped down by the sadness I feel right now. I am looking to have YOU TELL ME what YOU think about us together now, because WE BOTH HAVE TO MAKE THE EFFORT EQUALLY or it JUST WON'T WORK. Open and honest communication GOT US THIS FAR, but NOW it SEEMS to be FAILING US when WE NEED IT MOST. I just want a relationship I CAN BE IN and ENJOY IT. I DON'T LIKE distrust and tears and hurt feelings and frustrations. I am DRAINED by DRAMA and DON'T WANT that kind of ROCKY RELATIONSHIP. I NEED STABILITY AND PEACE-- being able to TRUST and COUNT ON MY MAN to BE THERE FOR ME. SOLID. MANLY. PROTECTIVE. HONEST. PASSIONATE. Drama WEARS ME OUT, and if this becomes DRAMA, I don't want it. I want SOLID STABILITY in a relationship. KNOWING WHERE WE STAND with one another.

When I started to cry the other night, I almost BLOCKED you but disabled my profile instead. If you BLOCK someone on this site, they CAN'T SEE YOU ON THE SITE ANYMORE OR EVER CONTACT YOU ON THE SITE AGAIN. Even disabling my account, THE WHOLE TIME I felt the Holy Spirit, or something like it, in my gut, telling me, "DON'T DO THAT! IT WILL BE ALRIGHT! DON'T DISABLE YOUR PROFILE. DAVID WILL REACH OUT TO YOU AND YOU WON'T BE THERE," But I was so hurt that I DIDN'T do the BLOCK but I DID disable my account here, until the next day. Because WHATEVER THAT WAS INSIDE me was actually CONSTANTLY TELLING ME NOT TO STOP COMMUNICATION ABILITY BETWEEN US, it made me really wonder if WE are somehow in each other's future or destiny, etc. I JUST DON'T KNOW. WE NEED TO KNOW, or we will ALWAYS WONDER ABOUT 'US' together.

THERE ARE NO 'PERFECT' RELATIONSHIPS.

So, now I have poured my heart out replying to you tonight but I don't see any responses from you. YOU DID RESPOND AND REPLY AFTER WORK TODAY-- just as you SAID you WOULD-- KEEPING YOUR WORD to me like a GOOD MAN would do! THAT WAS SO HOT! Your CARING ABOUT ME ENOUGH to KEEP YOUR WORD TO ME LIKE THAT-- NO MATTER WHAT. Now, I'm sitting here wondering why you haven't responded tonight, to any of these messages of MINE replying to YOUR messages tonight. I have POURED MY HEART OUT. I need to know WHAT YOU THINK. I miss us just sitting here talking to each other and smiling about it alot and making each other SO TURNED ON, etc. The FUN stuff! I WANT THE FUN STUFF-- NOT the DRAMA! When you message me with tender, considerate, messages I FEEL SO CARED ABOUT by you, and like YOU ARE HONORING ME as only a man can honor his woman, and I REALLY LIKE THAT! IT IS SO HOT to me. I have said ALL I HAVE to SAY now. I will wait to see what you have to say now.

As I said before, the last series of messages between David and I were not saved, by me, and there is no way to retrieve those now. David said some things, to me, that he had never said before, when he did finally answer me after JUST LEAVING ME HANGING again, that showed me he really hadn't been as honest with me as I thought he was being. (That seems to be a particular trait of a Taurus man, based on my experiences with them.) Not only, had he LEFT ME HANGING, AGAIN, after he had PROMISED me he WOULDN'T, while I ALWAYS ANSWERED HIS MESSAGES TO ME, OPENLY AND HONESTLY AND FULLY, but he actually said to me that having to do even a small accommodation, because of my rape trauma, was cramping his style, sexually speaking, and he resented it. He said that the stranger rape was IN THE PAST, and therefore I just shouldn't, ALLOW it, to affect the present. I cannot simply SHRUG OFF deeply embedded TRAUMA! He said he would not compromise, on his facial hair AT ALL, despite my profile saying right up front that I do not like facial hair on a man, and MY willingness to COMPROMISE on that issue, by asking him to keep the moustache, but shave off the goatee, that caused it to look like a woman's vaginal area on his face, which I plainly told him, really TURNED ME OFF.

 

He said that he would only get a haircut on the hair on his head which was not at issue, and therefore not a solution, and he didn't even say THAT to me until I was actually arranging to meet him in person. In all the times, that I brought it up, he NEVER indicated that he WOULDN'T even CONSIDER it, AT ALL, even for me, until then. But, thinking he would meet me AT LEAST halfway I HAD COMPROMISED on things FOR HIM. He waited, until we were planning to meet one another, to let me know that, HE had NO intention of COMPROMISING on ANYTHING, except for, the ONE, grudging, thing, he HAD agreed to; to not use the ONE sexual term because of my associating that ONE term with the rape, I was terrorized by going through.

He actually COMPLAINED, NOW, that asking that of him was TOO MUCH for him. I was censoring his free sexual expressiveness, he told me. As if all this wasn't bad enough, in this bait and switch he was doing to me now, he threw something else into the mix that he had NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT before, while he dumped all this on me, right after, we began planning for him to COME TO MY HOME. As, I became more upset with him pulling this on me, NOW, when I THOUGHT we were BEING COMMUNICATIVE AND OPEN ABOUT EVERYTHING AND SINCERE the whole time, with one another, he ADDED that he REALLY preferred HIS women with BIG BREASTS (which a Size 6 CLEARLY ISN'T, that I TOLD HIM, I AM; PLUS, it is ALSO STATED ON MY PROFILE). At that point, I was SO SHOCKED and SO ANGRY that I told him NOT TO MESSAGE ME ANYMORE. That, IT WAS OVER, between us. I told him, he could KEEP his facial hair, and DO WITHOUT ME, since, he would not even compromise about it, even though, HE KNEW, from the VERY BEGINNING, that, it was enough of an issue for me that I actually put in my profile: NO FACIAL HAIR, ON THE MAN, and I had ALREADY COMPROMISED on that to MEET HIM HALFWAY. 

I told him, since he PREFERS a BUSTY woman, to GO FIND HIMSELF ONE, then. I wasn't having another bait and switch with a man on these sites! ESPECIALLY not from one that told me I was "amazing", and how he had never known any woman like me, and how he just knew that he would never find another one, like me, yet EVEN WITH ALL THAT, HE WON'T COMPROMISE on ANYTHING, EXCEPT for him to grudgingly agree not to use ONE sexual term, while COMPLAINING that having to DO THIS, FOR ME, stifles his FREELY EXPRESSING HIMSELF SEXUALLY, WHICH HE THEREFORE RESENTS. I told him to STOP MESSAGING ME. But, even so, HE KEPT DOING IT, SEVERAL more times, until I said that if he did it again, I would BLOCK him. I was SO MAD about the bait and switch being pulled on me by him that in a fit of fury, I finally said to him, "FUCK OFF, VAGINA FACE!" It took THAT before he STOPPED, and then, probably because he knew I WOULD BLOCK HIM, HE blocked ME. I think he did, anyway. I DID NOT TRY to message HIM anymore. I was done.

But, his messages had sat in my Inbox, since we first contacted one another, as a Thread, between us, and they weren't there anymore, the next time I accessed it, to answer other men's messages to me. He had given me his phone number but I never called him. I do think about him, ALOT, actually, in the weeks since. When I read through the messages of his that I DID include in this post just to give you a general idea of our relationship with one another it was hard, remembering all the times that HE MADE ME SMILE, and how I had ALREADY started FALLING IN LOVE with HIM. Even so, with the attitudes that he suddenly showed me right before we were to meet in person, I don't see how it could have gone any other way than to end. I can see MISTAKES I MADE due to MY faults and mistakes DAVID made due to his selfishness and so forth, but HE DIDN'T LIKE to COMPROMISE, for ME. One way, or the other, THAT, fact, would have caused us to END our relationship. So, I suppose, it was better to have it happen sooner than later, since it was inevitable.

     

How can any man tell a woman that, she just needs to get over her rape, because it is IN THE PAST? Do they truly NOT KNOW that the trauma is a LIFELONG SCAR, for the woman to-- HAVE TO-- DEAL WITH? The man who raped me drove me into the woods and ASSAULTED ME, while saying to me that he just wanted to know IF I COULD 'LOVE'! I thought he was GOING TO KILL ME, too. Needless to say it was TERRIBLY TRAUMATIC. I DID ALL I COULD to try to fight him off, but men are way stronger than me physically and often much bigger. I am also a DOMESTIC ABUSE victim, from when I was married-- and the ER doctor told me, after one assault by my husband-- the man who CLAIMED to LOVE me-- that if he had hit me, another QUARTER OF AN INCH, closer to my temple, he would very likely have KILLED ME. I also have had MORE THAN ONE STALKER in my life-- the longest and worst, was by an OMAHA POLICE OFFICER, believe it or not, and that lasted about 11 YEARS!

I have had EXTENSIVE experience with men because of having to talk to so many when I worked as a dancer in the nightclubs. Men generally target women for sex at the very least, and due to their animal instincts/sex drive/neediness, they will, and almost always DO, tell women WHATEVER they THINK will get us to let them in our lives so they can get between our legs. Sorry if that sounds cynical but it's true. Whether I had openly said I want sex in my (1st) profile or said nothing like that in my (2nd) profile-- BOTH of which are online now, the behavior of the men would be the same, because sex is (also) THEIR goal, REGARDLESS of what I say in my profile(s). In fact, only 2 guys even mentioned sex to me responding to my profile that says I WANT THAT, too, out of DOZENS who messaged me, and those comments were only to say they respected my honesty about saying I have those real human needs/wants myself since most women never say that out loud (even though THEY DO WANT SEX, too). I have had SEVERAL husbands, many 'suitors', and boyfriends, and COUNTLESS DATES, in my life, and one thing I LEARNED THE HARD WAY, is that, the tiny little Red Flags-- that almost seem too insignificant to even notice, or be very concerned about, sit atop what WILL BE a HUGE ICEBERG hidden underneath the surface, if/when the man gets into my life. I know that NO MAN is PERFECT, so I'm searching for one that MAKES ME LAUGH, is PROTECTIVE toward me, that WOULD NEVER ABUSE me (or, sexually assault me), who CARES ABOUT ME, AS A PERSON, is HONEST with me, and RESPECTS MY BOUNDARIES. 

                                                     

Anyway, I LIKE BEING SINGLE, so I CAN go, the REST OF MY LIFE, with NO MAN. I've already gone HALF MY LIFE without one, in my private life. My vibrators take EXCELLENT CARE of my SEXUAL NEEDS, as far as GIVING ME RELIEF, from being 'horny'-- since I DO have a STRONG SEX DRIVE, despite my being CELIBATE, for OVER 25 YEARS NOW, and counting. I DON'T 'NEED' a man; I would just LIKE to, have a man, to date and do things with, IF they are a GOOD MAN and MATCH MY CRITERIA-- which ISN'T ASKING FOR TOO MUCH, FROM THEM-- or from ANYONE ELSE in MY LIFE. Being ALLOWED into my PRIVATE life is a PRIVILEGE that MOST PEOPLE are NOT GIVEN-- whether that is, MEN, FRIENDS, or even NEIGHBORS. I am VERY PICKY, AND CAREFUL, about WHO I LET IN, in ANY type of relationship, INCLUDING men I meet on the internet. Sadly, it ISN'T too DRAMATIC to say that if ONE man FOOLS ME, about WHO and WHAT they are, they could be THE DEATH OF ME, in some way or another. I AM, MY ONLY DEFENSE, to TRY, to AVOID, THAT DANGER. Internet dating is INTIMIDATING and somewhat DANGEROUS under the BEST of conditions, and the sites I am on specifically warn users that THEY DON'T do CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECKS or ANY OTHER VETTING of ANYONE on their sites that I use. So THIS STUFF, that I describe here, is WHY, I WRITE GUYS OFF, as seemingly 'easily' as I do, in internet dating. Especially, after all, I've ALREADY BEEN PUT THROUGH, which has left me with, DEEP TRAUMA, and even PHYSICAL SCARS, I REALLY can't BE 'TOO CAREFUL'. Maybe, there just ISN'T a MAN for ME.

                             

I AM a COMPLICATED creature. There is no doubt about that. So, I own that fact, about myself. I, also, acknowledge that it makes my finding a 'match' with a man tantamount to a MIRACLE from God. >sigh!< I have asked God about it, over the years-- whether He even MADE a man that is MEANT FOR ME. There are so many obstacles to it ever working out with me and any man really. I am a loner. I am a very independent person. I did not like marriage, AT ALL, every, time, I tried it (5 times, with 4 men). I like living alone. I don't even want a pet, at this point in my life. I want to nurture myself, for a change, and nourish my soul, because people have drained me dry while disrupting and destroying my peace of mind. Peace, is something that I DO need in my life now. I have never figured out how to have it,  or how to hold onto it, when I allow people into my private space, whether that is physical, or mental, or emotional, space, of mine. Maybe, I'm not cut out for love.

                                                                     

                                                                                                                                            
David, on one site, and Joe, on the other one, have been my two favorite men, so far, that I have felt attracted to in such a way that, I knew, I could fall in love with them. I had cut Joe loose, letting him know how things had developed with David, so as not to lead Joe on once I began to lean toward this other man. Joe is on the site searching for someone special just like David and I are and Joe messaged me every single day just like David did. Joe is actually way hotter, to me, than David, too. He stopped messaging me when I told him about David, though, which under the circumstances was the right thing to do. After a couple of weeks had passed, I messaged Joe and told him what happened with David and I. I waited to see if Joe would even reply to me at all, because he had seemed to REALLY LIKE ME, but I'd seemed to him to have chosen another man over him, which had to have affected how he felt toward me now. Joe himself actually had a hand in why it happened. I was ALWAYS far more physically attracted to Joe. More than ANY man I have ever seen in my life, actually! So, JOE is actually MY FAVORITE MAN, on these sites, by far. He sent me SEXY messages that I admit I just ATE UP, and COOED over like a lovesick dove. Joe TOTALLY CAPTIVATED MY ATTENTION. Except for one thing. He didn't seem to ever, 'have time', to MEET me; and WITHOUT THAT HAPPENING, in person, we were really just WASTING OUR TIME, continuing to message back and forth with one another. I have LEARNED THE HARD WAY, by doing these searches, for love, on the internet, that there is simply NO other way to gauge compatibility than to MEET FACE-TO-FACE. Even phone calls cannot accurately assess this. Joe just doesn't seem to want to MOVE FORWARD in A REAL RELATIONSHIP, with me. I find that both strange and troubling since he is ON A DATING SITE, and HE sent ME the first message between us, and frequent messages after that, until I said I was getting much more emotionally involved with David, because David WANTED to MEET and GO FORWARD with a REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. I wasn't saying that to play games with Joe. I TOLD him that because IT WAS THE TRUTH and HE NEEDED TO KNOW. For ME, the bottom line, ISN'T, WHICH MAN, I LIKE BEST. I'm ON these sites to find a REAL-LIFE RELATIONSHIP with a MAN; NOT to sit ALONE, in front of my computer, messaging back and forth, with a guy that I, really, have NO idea if I am a good match with, unless, and until, we meet one another. I had recently begun questioning Joe to try to get him to JUST TELL ME WHY he doesn't seem to EVER WANT TO MEET ME IN PERSON. I mean, ISN'T THAT THE POINT?!?

These are, some, of the messages between Joe and I, from the site that he is on:

[NOTE: Joe is an Aries]

Joe:

Good morning. I just found and viewed your profile and pictures and was attracted by both. But by far your amazingly magnetically attractive smile was what guided me to send you a message I truly understand your reasoning behind emphasizing about being local. I live [an hour away from you]. Enjoy your day and share that wonderful smile every chance you get Joe.

Me:

Hi Joe! I am SO GLAD that YOU messaged me! If you have read my profile, you know that I say it like I feel it, VERY OPEN AND REAL, and I have to tell you something that I have NOT said to ANY OTHER MAN on these singles' sites-- JUST YOU: I think you are SO HOT in your pictures! Your photos REALLY TURN ME ON! I am NOT KIDDING and that is NOT some 'line of bull' from me. I HAVE NO IDEA if you and I will have actual 'chemistry', when we meet in person, though, but I would LOVE TO FIND OUT. Since nothing is 'perfect', and no one is 'perfect' (including me), I just want to let you know that the only thing I saw on your profile that put me off, at all, is that you said you 'smoke sometimes'. I don't like the smell of smoke, or the taste of smoke, so hopefully you don't have to smoke, around me, because that would be a turn off to me, when OTHERWISE you turn me on. I LOVE TO LAUGH, and the way to my heart is by making me laugh. I would really like to know more about you! What kind of music do you like? How long is the drive from where you live to where I live?

Joe:

Wow !!! Very impressive response. I am honored to be the guy that turned you completely on baby. I had the same feeling when I saw your profile. You are very attractive in a kinda mysterious way but also just seem to have that very sultry sexy smile. I enjoy all kinds of music and really enjoy it live. Not the rap or violent type heavy Metal. I’m not smoking cigarettes anymore but I do vape a little. But I would respect your dislikes and not do it around you. I’m about an hour and 15 minutes away from where you live. Again thanks for letting me know how you truly thought of my pictures and I’m excited that they excited you !!! Joe

Me:

Hi Joe! What is your favorite music, if you had to pick? I used to prefer 'dance music' most (R & B, soul, funk, etc.) because I love to dance. But I started listening to Country music on the internet and I REALLY LIKE IT ALOT now! It is almost my favorite music now! I want to learn to do Country line dancing. I don't know how to do ANY Country dances, although alot of year's ago someone taught me a little Cotton-Eyed Joe. Listening to live music is the best! Because of the continuing issue of trying not to catch Covid (again-- I had it once, last June, for 8 days), I prefer to do things outdoors as much as possible. I was vaxed early on but the second shot made me feel like my body was 'poisoned' so I stopped vaxing, leaving me totally vulnerable right now. What are your thoughts on staying safe from Covid while dating, etc.? I could get vaxed again, but I would prefer just taking a home Covid test before being around someone, and hopefully they care enough to keep me safe and healthy to take a home Covid test for me. I HATE this VIRUS being everywhere, complicating things that would normally be simple and straightforward between a man and a woman. I really have no idea how to navigate that with my wanting to start dating again, and hopefully find one special guy to be romantically involved with. I smile because I would like that to be with someone like you! We will only know if we have 'sexual chemistry' together by meeting face-to-face. There's just no other way to really know if we are compatible that way. If you came here to meet me, what types of things would you like to do for a first date? Which day(s) of the week would you be free to come meet me if we decide to do that? Please tell me your thoughts on these things, and anything else you want to say or ask me about!

Joe:

Well you just keep getting better and better girl !!! I lean towards liking the newer style of today’s country music more and more myself. I was thinking about maybe trying to get to the country music festival this month with a guy I’m old friends with but my work schedule is pretty dang crazy right now. I’ve been vaccinated and boosted and caught it last spring and from my experience and educating myself I have come to believe between the vax boosters and getting through the Covid that I think I have built my own immune system up better than any of the existing boosters available, but I truly understand and don’t mind testing before meeting if that makes you comfortable. Because I want you to be absolutely comfortable and excited when we first share smiles and experience that first magical meeting of eye contact. I’m in total agreement with you about the unique and undeniable power of mutual connection of and the unspoken desire to share each other mentally spiritually and physically. I yearn for that. It’s a mind altering feeling that makes you forget about everything but getting to know that person. Dang baby!! Wishing I could come meet you right now!!! My work schedule is really hectic this week but as soon as I can. We will make a decision on a time and place to verify that we are mutually attracted and begin to get to know each other. Enjoy your evening baby. Joe

Me:

Joe, HOW do you articulate these things you say to me as well as you do? I am smiling about you! Because I am used to being an 'independent' woman, I usually don't let any man call me 'baby'. But YOU are a WHOLE DIFFERENT THING-- for ME-- and YOU are the FIRST MAN EVER that can call ME 'baby' ALL YOU WANT TO! I'll just cuddle up, real close, against you, and listen to you say that in my ear, before I whisper some things in YOUR ear! Me being UNVAXED AT THIS POINT is adding ALOT to my anxiety about trying to meet someone special, this way, now, but HOPEFULLY taking the Home Tests will keep me safe from taking too much of a risk with someone. I just had Covid once, so far, last June, but it was when I was still vaxed, and now I am not vaxed at all. I may have to rethink the vax thing, and do that again now...? In 2021, when I DID get the 2 Pfizer vaxes, that 2nd Pfizer shot TRULY MADE ME FEEL POISONED, in MY WHOLE BODY, though. It was a REALLY SCARY feeling! Landing in the hospital would feel WORSE THAN THAT, though. The one time I had it was a moderate-level case, and a couple of those days were a little scary, but I was able to stay home. .... I HATE COVID SO MUCH!!!! It is cramping my style and curbing my freedom to express myself.

Joe:

Good morning “baby“ I guess I might have called you baby a little premature but that’s just me being me. Somehow I just feel that we share a mutual connection with each other so that’s probably why I want to and like to address you with baby. I definitely despise what the coronavirus has done to humanity but I’m not going to worry about depriving myself from enjoying life anymore but also being cautious and alert when it seems to be spreading around again. And the thought of being next to you and gently whispering “baby you feel sooo good“ is truly breathtaking. So… I gotta know just what kinda words would you think you would like to say to me if that situation was to ever arise ? Enjoy yourself and your day today !!! Joe

Me:

I LOVE YOUR CALLING ME 'Baby', Joe! Please don't stop! I just told you about how I usually don't 'allow' it so you would KNOW that YOU get 'special privileges' with me because I enjoy you, and how you communicate with me, and think YOU ARE SO HOT! I FELT that sentence you wrote to me . . . "being next to you and gently whispering 'baby you feel sooo good' ", in some VERY PRIVATE PLACES. *I am smiling right now* It is not the "situation" exactly, that I am thinking about 'arising' . . . but something about YOU. . . . Did I tell you that a hairy chest on a man TOTALLY TURNS ME ON? By the way, I noticed you wear hats in all your photos, so maybe you are one of many men who are losing their head hair or are bald. If you are, there's something I want you to KNOW about THAT, FROM ME. . . . I read a scientific article once that said that bald men tested out at HIGHER LEVELS OF TESTOSTERONE than men who had hair. ALSO, the man in my past that JUST THE SIGHT OF made me SO HOT had lost his hair, shaved the rest off, and was totally bald. I think that looks VERY MANLY in a 'tough', TESTOSTERONE, kind of way that MAKES MY KNEES WEAK. I LOVE YOUR EYES in your photos, Joe, and your smile. You are JUST SO CUTE, to me. I just think YOU ARE HOT! I didn't want to make you feel self-conscious about calling me 'Baby'-- I wanted to tell you that YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE of that, when I haven't let any other man ever do that, because of HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL by JUST BEING YOU. Just being YOURSELF. I WANT YOU to JUST BE REAL with me. COMMUNICATE. Be HONEST. TELL me things. ASK me things. Intimacy is about ALOT more than SEX. I am VERY OPEN and COMMUNICATIVE. There is NOTHING that you CAN'T ASK ME! I want us to be 'safe spaces' for each other to be REAL, to be BARE with one another, and NOT JUST PHYSICALLY (if we meet and that happens at some point). I want our SOULS to BE NAKED with one another. BARE. THERE. I have to go for now. Being a 'Bachelorette' I like to watch a movie on TV (internet actually on my desktop PC screen) while I eat supper and I have leftover Chinese food for supper tonight. General Tso's Chicken over rice. The movie comes on in 5 minutes so I gotta settle in.

Joe:

Wow !!! Wonderful message baby !!! And yes I’ve lost some hair over the years. I usually wear a hat or mostly a bandanna because I have to wear a hard hat at work and those damn things just don’t feel comfortable without something underneath it. As far as the testosterone I was blessed with having a very ample supply in me for use as needed. Actually you have had the [Explicit Sexual Content]. Intimacy is a natural process of communication that two have common needs and wants be it by a physical need a mental need or the strongest type which is from them both together. I’m feeling a mixture of them both about you. You are very very desirable to me the more we get to know each other. And baby your body is very sexy!!! You have everything in all the right places that I enjoy. Mmmmm mmmmm. And I love some dang Chinese food !!!!!

                                                       

Me:

Hi Joe! I love how you word things! You make me smile! Your photo ALWAYS makes me SMILE! Everything about you so far is just HOT to me. I enjoy your manliness and find myself picturing you with your hard . . . hat . . . on . . . . Sexy stuff TO ME! Because you live about 100 miles from me I wonder if we'll ever even meet. I really want a 'real life romantic relationship'. Alot of laughter. Alot of lovin'. I look at your picture and I just want to hug you tight and then nibble on you all over. Because YOU ARE SO CUTE I suppose that you get ALOT of OFFERS from women, on this site and in real life. I am a small-bodied 128 pounds, size 6, woman, but 'tall' for a female at 5'9". I'm only 32B breasts-- small but perky. I have a cute butt-- probably just the right size to grab with two manly hands. Nice legs. My eyes are my best feature-- very expressive. My arms are too skinny though. I slouch and I need to fix that but it comes from sitting in front of this computer so much especially due to the Covid isolation. I didn't like being married so for half my life now I have stayed single by choice. I am celibate now-- for a long time (but my vibrators keep me from losing my mind, because I do have a strong sex drive to deal with). When I am in a romantic/sexual relationship I am monogamous-- including for health reasons. I just want ONE GOOD MAN to FULLY OPEN MYSELF UP TO. One that won't ever abuse me in any way, but will protect me as a man should do with his woman. The ONE thing I have never found with a man is to be loved WELL. I have been loved by men, but NEVER loved WELL, and there is SUCH A DIFFERENCE. I want a protector, a man that will BE the MAN FOR ME so I can BE his WOMAN as I should be. Communication is so important, and you do that SO WELL HERE with me! I don't want to be married or live with anybody at this point in my life. But I DO need a relationship with a man that I CAN TRUST. Men GET BETTER LOVE from a WOMAN if the woman can feel SAFE to REALLY OPEN UP and GIVE ALL SHE IS to the man. I have many qualities and my share of faults. There are ALOT of sides to me! I have a sort of TRUE INNOCENCE to me but may do a naughty STRIP DANCE for you later!

Joe:

Hello there baby !!! I completely understand your feeling yesterday about a long busy week and or day yesterday. We all definitely need more relaxation. I’m only 80 miles or so from where you live and like I told you before I have an overwhelming desire “ urge” to meet you and truly share with each other who we are. There is no denying one’s true feelings when you make eye contact and express our natural truthfulness and desire about feelings. Our initial contacts so far feel as if there is more than ample evidence that so far we feel a mutual connection. I’m attracted to you and it started with your pictures. It’s been way too long for me too since I’ve been intimate with a woman. I’m like you about [Explicit Sexual Content]. I was thinking of how [Explicit Sexual Content] Mmmm mmmm. Wow. [Explicit Sexual Content] Got a few things to do. Enjoy your day baby !!!!

Me:

[NOTE: AT THIS POINT I WAS GETTING CONCERNED THAT JOE WAS ALL FLIRT AND NO SUBSTANCE, and since David and I were quickly growing closer, I was concerned that, Joe was being left in David's dust, relationally, speaking. I love
to flirt, myself, but the BOTTOM LINE is that I want a romantic RELATIONSHIP.]

Joe, can you help me get to know you better in our messages to one another here? Because I feel so physically attracted to you that has been what I have been expressing to you, but now I find myself wondering if we have more to share than that. I absolutely admit that I started this search because I have been celibate for way too long now and I want to find a lover to have physical fun with. I have a strong sex drive, that I have been taking care of with some really effective toys, but nothing tops a real man for a woman-- that's what we were made for. I feel like my interactions with you have all only been emphasizing how truly hot you are to me. Physically you are a total turn on to me. But I want a romantic relationship. That includes (I hope!) lots of laughter and open conversations and good times that are not just sexual to the exclusion of everything else. We seem to share a strong sexual attraction, and it excites me alot, and we seem to get along and have some things in common, but we haven't gone much deeper than that, in alot of ways. Do you mind if I ask you some questions to hopefully get to know you better? Also, is there anything about me you are curious about? Anything at all. I am very open and there is no subject that I won't talk about with you. I am curious about your Profile here.... Have you just wanted to find hookups here and if so has there been alot of different sexual partners? I am protective of my health. I DO NOT want to be MARRIED again as I did not like it and have chosen to stay single about half my life now. But I AM celibate now (for a long time!) and when I AM sexually active again I want that to be WITH JUST ONE MAN because I am VERY MONOGAMOUS by nature. I am a ONE MAN woman! I want to give all of myself to JUST ONE GUY. You seem to stay really busy, so I wonder if you will have the time available for a real relationship with me or if you just want to stay 'sexual' with me and you don't want romantic love involved. I don't mind, if it's just sexual, between us, but is that all you want to find, here?

Joe:

Good morning Baby. I am a true gentleman. I can’t just have random sex with someone without the mental connection. I tried that many many years ago and it’s just not me. The [profile name for him] is a nickname I was called years ago because someone said I looked like a wrestler on TV that was called that. I’ve been divorced over 10 years and have not been very sexually active Actually I haven’t been with a woman in over 2 years. I just don’t want sex but a connection of physical and mental relations. I’m like you about marriage. Not interested in that in my life right now. I have my job that I travel with sometimes and I just can’t fully commit to anything else right now. I take pride in myself for not bull shittin about who I am and what I think is the best way to live my life. Again I can’t fully commit to anything right now but I won’t trade my dignity for just some hot sex. I really am connecting to you more and more. Mentally and most definitely physically. And I’m all about some nice perky breast and a cute little grabbable sexy ass !!!

Me:

Hi Joe! Thanks for sharing more about yourself. I have REALLY NEEDED THAT PART! I have been concerned that since I am SO HONEST and therefore TOLD YOU right up front that when I saw your photos my reaction was 'YOU'RE SO HOT' to me, that I got our whole relationship off on such a 'sexualized' start by my doing that, that you may feel like I am ONLY INTERESTED IN SEX with you and like you are just 'some piece of meat'. If I HAVE made you feel that way, I am truly sorry, because while YOU ARE HOT TO ME I have liked how YOU ARE TOWARD ME too. Just being 'you'-- WHO YOU ARE-- and telling it like it is, for you. I do the same thing. I don't like it when people do the 'bait & switch' stuff to attract someone by acting in insincere ways to lure the person in, that they will completely change after they get into a real relationship with them. Men do this for their reasons-- usually just to get sex, or to hide that they are actually abusive and dangerous to the woman, that they reveal when they 'get her'. Women often do it to dangle sex in front of a man when they really want marriage or to live with a man, or just want a man to take care of them, like financially or such. I AM VERY DIFFERENT from MOST PEOPLE in that I AM HONEST UP FRONT, with NO APOLOGIES for that, and I don't bait & switch. Some people tell me I SHOULD, and I always reply, "I am JUST GOING TO BE ME-- WHO I ACTUALLY AM-- for better and for worse, because THAT is the person that someone NEEDS to MEET and NEEDS to KNOW if they can LOVE or not. If I am 'phony' and they fall in love with that, I would either be TRAPPED into having to CONTINUE that FAKE FACADE, or always know that IT ISN'T EVEN-- REALLY-- 'ME' that they LOVE when they SAY 'I love you' because THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW ME as 'ME'." So, I am ALWAYS just 'ME'-- VERY REAL and VERY HONEST. I MEAN it when I say that I DON'T like marriage (I tried it MORE THAN ONCE and generally, and specifically, NEVER LIKED BEING MARRIED). I ALSO don't want to live with someone...

... I have always basically been a loner, and I need alot more alone time than the average person because people/socializing constantly really wears me down after awhile and I just need to 'be' to find some peace and re-center my SOUL again. I am NOT religious but I am very spiritual. The only 'commitment' I am seeking with a man is a MUTUAL one to have a MONOGAMOUS relationship with JUST EACH OTHER because of my being careful with my health etc and not wanting some STD etc. I have been celibate now for decades because I GAVE UP LOOKING for the ONE MAN to LOVE ME, for many years-- and am just now finally trying to find 'him' again by these new singles site profiles (I have 1 on 2 sites). When I AM sexually active I am strictly monogamous and expect the same from the man I am with. TRUST IS REALLY IMPORTANT. .... I haven't told you this, until now, because I have wanted to just interact with YOU without ANY outside forces or pressures involved, to gauge how you & I 'naturally' get along etc. But now I think I need to tell you this: YOU are the ONE guy on THIS site that I am messaging regularly now, and am TRULY interested in a potential relationship with. That IS A BIG DEAL to me. I started both singles profiles on the 2 sites about the same time. So, there is YOU on THIS site but on the OTHER site I have also narrowed down to ONE man on THERE that I am interested in. [Please know that I am NOT telling you this to PLAY GAMES or CREATE JEALOUSY or any type of STUPID GAMES LIKE THAT.] You two men are my sole focus on these 2 sites right now because I am TRULY INTERESTED in you both and I think there is some real potential for a real-life love connection there somewhere. You and he are VERY SIMILAR in several ways (but YOU are way HOTTER to me, I do have to say-- sorry but it's just true-- you are my 'ideal' for a man, looks wise, and are just ALOT SEXIER to ME than the other guy is, looks-wise). You are both quite tall, both about the same age, both in similar fields in your work, both live in the same city-- as it turned out. He is open to relocating to live closer to me if we become a real life relationship, because ...

... SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. I am POURING MY HEART OUT to you here because I fear that OUR opportunity to EVER know if WE could BE a real-life-romantic relationship is slipping away from us. ... in his line of work he knows he can easily find work doing that ANYWHERE he lives. I am not sure how attached you are to your particular construction work, but I know for a fact there is work here that DESPERATELY NEEDS PEOPLE in YOUR field, too.... The thing is, he messages me pretty much every day-- even several times a day. (8 Messages to me Sunday!) He is really CONNECTING with me and 'putting in the work' to GET TO KNOW ME better, faster. He and I talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in a VERY HONEST AND OPEN WAY, building connection and trust by doing that. Because of that, even though I 'met' him on that singles site pretty much the same time I 'met' you on this singles' site, he and I have advanced ALOT FARTHER down the road toward preparing to meet one another in person, soon, for the much-needed and very-telling 'chemistry' test, that CAN ONLY BE GAUGED by MEETING IN PERSON. I am ENCOURAGED by HOW WELL things are REALLY DEVELOPING with HIM (his name is David), and I must say he & I are just now finally starting to already feel like we are IN a REAL relationship with one another-- although if we DON'T HAVE CHEMISTRY for SEXUAL ATTRACTION etc when we MEET IN PERSON, then NO AMOUNT of COMPATIBILITY OTHERWISE will KEEP IT AFLOAT, because SEX is ONE of the MAIN THINGS we are ALL seeking here with a romantic relationship connection! You send me upbeat, affirmative messages but I can see that it is not a high priority with you like IT IS TO HIM. You and I HAVEN'T REALLY PROGRESSED much at all in getting to REALLY KNOW EACH OTHER-- like he and I HAVE. So, I need to tell you that THIS is HAPPENING and that I FEEL FRUSTRATED AND SAD that it may just not be 'meant to be' with YOU, although I WANTED the CHANCE to REALLY KNOW FOR SURE with you. YOU ARE MY FAVORITE of the two, but HE is doing an IMPRESSIVE AMOUNT of BEING IN THIS to REALLY KNOW ME, and IT HAS PAID OFF, as I've developed a REAL CLOSENESS with him now. We just need to FIND OUT if we have IN-PERSON CHEMISTRY.

So, I wrote you FOUR long Messages, here, today (THIS being the 4th), in an ongoing, connected, Thread, POURING MY HEART OUT to you, because I need for you to know what is going on, on my end of this search, that we are all doing on these sites. I feel like you just are content to let it stay on the same step for a long time, back at the Starting Gate, but this other man IS NOT DOING THAT, and you are being left in his dust, that way, getting so far behind him now in that way that I almost can't see you in his dust anymore. It is frustrating me, and saddening me. All I can do is tell you what has happened, where I am with it, and wait to hear what your thoughts are, about it, because MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU matters JUST AS MUCH to ME as my relationship with him. It honestly just feels like it could be months or even a year before you would even advance down this path with me enough to get to the point of finally meeting me. I am in my 60s now, and most of my life is already behind me, naturally. I do not want to PUT OFF FINDING LOVE anymore, especially if I have a REAL CHANCE to finally HAVE THAT in my life. I have been loved by men in my life-- but I have NEVER been loved 'WELL', and THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE. You seem like you are in no hurry, and have no urgent need to really want to get yourself into a relationship. That is where you and I differ greatly. I DO only want a REAL relationship that is FUN and FUNNY and SEXY and MONOGAMOUS and FULFILLING and ENJOYABLE-- NOW! I DON'T WANT things to DRAG OUT SO LONG with NO REAL FUN OR FULFILLMENT. So, if you are 'just being nice' with your sunny messages to me, but don't really have ANY plans to TRULY GET TO KNOW ME, or MEET ME, or ENTER INTO a MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP with me, then PLEASE just LET ME KNOW. Because, truly, AT THIS POINT, David stands alot better chance of ENDING UP WITH ME, if we DO find that we ALSO have CHEMISTRY when we meet sometime soon. I won't be meeting him THIS week, and MAYBE NOT even NEXT week. But, HE REALLY WANTS THIS WITH ME--if we DO have chemistry-- and HE is IN IT NOW, with me-- REALLY MAKING THE EFFORT. So, I know that he will WANT to MEET ME SOON. HE'S SUGGESTING IDEAS NOW.

                                                         

  
Joe:

Thank you baby again for your inner most feelings and desires. I’m sure your decisions in life have made who you are to this day. One can only follow their heart and soul through life decisions and no doubt you will make the right choices for yourself. I wish I could come right now to wine you dine you [Explicit Sexual Content]. Unfortunately I can only promise you that the first available day I have to offer myself to you for any thing and everything I will make it happen because I truly believe we would magnetically be attracted in an undeniable way. I don’t really know what friends with benefits can offer but I think a relationship like “more than just friends with hot sexual benefits “ seems like what maybe we could start with. But go with your heart baby and give it a shot. Joe

Me:

I hate having my heart torn between two guys like this, as I AM very monogamous by nature, so I know that I will have to go one way or the other. I hope that Destiny will guide me through what feels like uncharted waters for me right now. You are SO ADORABLE in EVERY WAY. Based on your reply to my pouring my heart out here about the situation I am in, you truly don't seem to have either the ROOM or the TIME in your life to fit me in. As much as I am SOOOOOO DRAWN TO YOU, Joe, I just can't see you ever REALLY MOVING FORWARD to start any REAL relationship between us. THAT is what I am LOOKING FOR here. An ONGOING relationship where the man is IN MY REAL LIFE, and SHARING LIFE WITH ME on a regular basis. I DON'T want marriage, or to live with someone, and I MUST have GREAT SEX to WANT TO BE in a relationship. But, I seem to want MORE THAN WHAT YOU WANT, or MORE THAN YOU OFFER me. You haven't even moved toward MEETING me. It's TOO LITTLE for me. Too SLOW for me. So, I'm moving on now. David offers me more! Luv ya, tho, Joe! YOU are the HOTTEST GUY I KNOW!

That was the last message I sent Joe, until a couple of weeks after the thing with David fell apart, just before we were to meet one another. Then, I messaged Joe:

Hi Joe, I don't know what connection(s) if any you have made with other women, but I wanted you to know what has been going on with me, and also, that I have always been very honest and straightforward with you. So, what I am saying now is also the truth. For some reason, that I truly don't understand, the men that I have gotten to know on these singles sites well enough to decide that I needed to meet them in person, for the all-important 'chemistry' test, to gauge our physical attraction to one another, have done a 'Bait & Switch' RIGHT AT THAT POINT-- EVERY single time!-- suddenly showing me a whole other side of themselves that was not who they seemed to be in their previous messages to me. There have been 6 men that I almost met, before that happened with them, but the only one of those that I honestly thought I could have a real, romantic, relationship with was David. (I just planned to meet them in person to see if it had any potential to become a physical, sexual, relationship, since that is what I am looking for, because there was really no point in continuing to get to know these men unless we were mutually sexually attracted to one another.) But, it fell apart, every time, right at that point, so I never ended up meeting any of them-- not even David. He went from really working on a real relationship with me, by his notable efforts in his messages to me, to suddenly insulting me by his insensitivity, and distressing me by his complaints about my asking him not to use one particular sexual term that turns me off, so that I could and would stay fully open to sexual things with him-- if we had true physical attraction for one another when we met (which we ended up NOT DOING AT ALL when he DID THAT). Out of ALL the available 'sexual' language I had only asked him not to use ONE of them with ME, but he complained that I asked him to compromise on that, saying it hindered his sexual freedom. He didn't show any deference to my needs about that, and I told him that term upset me because it was the only one tied to my emotional reaction to my being raped by a stranger when I was 21. He said that the rape was 'in the past, so I should just get over it'....

Joe:

Hey there. So sorry to hear that your efforts in searching for a relationship that fits your needs has not worked out for you and has been a terrible experience. I haven’t been corresponding with any one that suits my taste. I do agree that you have definitely been honest in your messages and thoughts with me as I have with you. There’s also the same feeling of sexual attraction. I can definitely relate to the belief that when I meet someone for the first time that there has to be that overwhelming urge to want to be with them mentally and sexually. It’s just the cold hard truth baby I think once that is mutually acceptable and the natural force of erotic passion has taken over then there’s no doubt that both sides will find a way towards a relationship that suits. Like I told you before that my schedule with work is hectic at the least sometimes. But I do need something more in my life and just can’t seem to find it yet. Joe.

Joe was clearly not the same toward me, and after a couple more 'cool' messages from him, as responses, to my messages, to him, I sincerely wished him the very best in his search for, whatever it is, he is actually looking for, and told him, there didn't seem to be any reason for us to continue to message one another. It didn't make sense to me that he didn't want to simply meet one another in person once to see if we actually had real chemistry, together, to be able to build on, toward a real relationship. He seemed content to continue merely messaging, yet we were not seeming to be going any 'deeper' with our written words to one another so it felt like a waste of time and energy, to me. For some reason that Joe never came clean about, he resisted going beyond the fairly superficial messages he sent me. That wasn't enough for me, and it was not taking me where I wanted to go when  I created my profiles on the two singles sites to find a real-life, love, relationship.

So, currently I have nothing to show for my efforts except what I had with David. 

                                                                                                                                                                                      

Many other men have messaged me, on these 2 websites, besides the half dozen or so that I had planned to meet in person, before it fell through. The following is something that I wrote to one of them that I messaged some, just to be sociable, and supportive, but I wasn't interested in, for myself. It describes some of what I am feeling about how things are going in my search for romance, on the internet:

[This, was about David, when it was beginning to fall apart, after starting so well.]

"He and I were messaging again tonight, but we used to have such rapport together, from the start really, but something isn't feeling right, with it, with us, now, and I am not sure what direction to go in with it, with him. WHY is finding, and having, a romantic relationship so often so hard-- or is that just MY experience as 'unlucky in love'? In getting to know one another, some of the initial HOPE and FANTASY wears off-- seeing each other as more human, with real faults, etc. The compromises have to kick in, too-- real life gives the fairytale a cold shower. We have had this issue between us, just in the last few days, where he just goes silent and leaves me hanging. Then I say, should we end it now, then, but he makes the effort again, but then he is MIA again, and my only link to him has been the singles site and this keyboard. I don't give out my phone number before I meet someone for the chemistry/compatibility test because I learned there's no way to gauge that without coming face-to-face, and I have had to go through the hassle of changing my phone number and then calling all my friends and businesses that HAVE TO HAVE IT to GIVE IT TO THEM. I go from THIS step to MEETING IN PERSON. No person is flawless and no relationship is perfect. So, I DON'T KNOW if what SEEMED SO SPECIAL AND PROMISING with him will just fizzle out now, or if we can make it into something beautiful for both of us. I AM REALLY TORN. Men and women have so much potential to bring bliss to one another, but it too often seems to bring heartache and tears and misery instead. The BEST this life has to offer is the MAGICAL feeling of BEING IN LOVE. But it's SO FRAGILE AND FICKLE. I just don't know.... The LAST thing I NEED is another HEARTBREAK in my life. This stuff is SO RISKY AND SCARY-- and COVID doesn't HELP any at all with my concerns about closeness and intimacy. I have stayed single so long. I don't want to marry but I do want ONE monogamous relationship that brings me some joy. I want butterflies and weak knees and passion and carnal delights. I want belly laughs and walks on the beach."

                                                                                                                      

                                           

                                                                                                                    

*meat market: a depersonalizing environment in which people are treated as sexual or economic resources

**turkey neck: Loose, sagging, wrinkled skin under the jawline is commonly called turkey neck. When the neck skin sags and wrinkles, it can look similar to a turkey wattle. It's a common side effect of aging that can happen to anyone.

***photoshopped: Digitally edited or altered, of an image or its part.