My Caring For Others, & Killing Someone

My ex-husband, my son's father, paid for me to take a course, which would help me to make a living, for myself, since I was a homemaker and a mother, prior to our divorce. The course was taught at the local community college. The RN who was my instructor wrote  "Strives to do her best" on my student evaluation, and "Final Grade   96%   A".  So, I became a Certified Nursing Assistant which, like my being a mother had been, was also a caregiver, immediately following my transferring custody of my baby boy, to his father and step-mother, in order for him to have his best chance in life. [Reference my post "My Son's Other Mother Was Heaven-Sent", dated 8/28/19] Despite my very best efforts, to care for my son, 24/7, as a struggling single mother, I simply couldn't meet all his needs as well as they would be met in this two-parent home which included more stability and income. As heartbreaking as that decision, and the relinquishment, was for me, I simply had to do what was best for my child. It also says alot about me that, right in the middle of the process of transferring the custody of my precious toddler, Jay, to Jim and Linnea, I graduated from the CNA program; and as the class Honor Graduate, with a 4.0 GPA.

I think that speaks to my always trying to do the very best that I can, in a situation, even though the outcomes, many of which are out of my control, can often make it seem as though I am not doing that, in some way or other. I still have my student assessment from the instructor and my job references from nurses I worked with in the hospital, which reflect my striving to do my best and, to provide the best quality care, for the patients, that I could. I had also given my baby the best quality care I could, as well, but it didn't help me to be able to keep him, with me, since he needed much more than that. Both through, and because of, such situations as this was, in my life, I have come to feel that, no matter how hard I have tried, my best is just not good enough, somehow, for me to end up with happier endings to the chapters of my life. Because trying my best, and doing my best, are very important to me, it's been both frustrating and disheartening that I have not ended up with more to show for all of my effort, in my own life. At a time when I personally could not have been more burned out and brokenhearted, I had to step into the role of giving excellent, direct, hands on patient care. By God's Grace, and my self-discipline, I was able to do that, and well. Underneath, though, my own needs were still there like a thorn in my side (Reference 2 Corinthians 12:7-9), throbbing, but silenced by others' indifference, to them.

To add insult to injury, when I did reach out, to others, for help with my heartbreak, they did not understand where I was coming from, at all, with all this pain and loneliness inside me. When I confided, to two of the nurses that I worked with, my very recent, and raw, custody decision for my son, Jay, they seemed sympathetic, to my face. Not long after, though, I was in a bathroom stall, in the ladies room, on our hospital floor, when the two of them came in, together, and, not knowing that I was in there, they began to discuss what I had told them, concluding that I could not possibly have really loved my son to have done that with him and that the only reason they could think of, for my doing that, was for me to simply want to 'free myself up', to be some kind of party goer (which I didn't do, and actually have never even been comfortable doing because that just seems so superficial, to me). That told me what they really thought . . . of me. I wasn't partying, by any means! I was making a little above minimum wage, and, was barely surviving, financially, or emotionally. I was living in an old, low rent, apartment, that I walked to work from because I had to let my car go back to the dealership after I could not keep up with making the payments, because I was barely even eating, as it was, due to a lack of money. I lay awake, at night, listening to mice, scurrying around my apartment, and chewing on my belongings. Even eating my loaf of bread, that I needed, myself, to survive. The maintenance man set traps, but then I lay in the dark hearing them SNAP, and then, often, the mouse screaming in pain before it finally died, while I lay there as horrified for it as I was for me. Once, a mother mouse died in the trap, and when it did not return to its nest of helpless babies, which were living underneath my kitchen sink apparently, the panicked babies all began to cry out for their mother. Just what I didn't need; their real heartbreak added to my own, which it already felt like I was drowning in.

I went to see the pastor, of the church I attended at the time, for one counseling session, about all this that I was going through. I described my unmet needs, my loneliness, and the challenge of my pouring myself out, for others, day in and day out, all while feeling that there was no one pouring anything helpful or healing into me on a personal level, causing me to feel dangerously depleted, in my spirit. His only response to all of this, during our one time, one hour, scheduled session, together, was to keep looking at his watch, indicating to me that he would much rather be doing something else, than discussing my heartache, and then, he summed up our session, by simply saying to me "I don't know how God stands any of us!" implying that I was just being selfish, for wanting, even needing, my very human needs to be met. People had come through my life, with their needs, and then trashed it, while getting their own needs met by me, often at my expense. When was it my turn? My needs were just as real, and as valid, as anyone else's, though it certainly hadn't seemed that they were treated that way by others, very often. Feeling further wounded, by his characterization, of my intense pain, and longing, I felt as though I was suffocating from lack of love, during the next couple of Sundays that I attended church, and sat listening to this man preach. I finally fled from there, during the service, and I never returned. I didn't feel that my soul was being fed, what it desperately needed, there, and I didn't feel loved there, either, except for my friendship with Vivian Gulleen, whom I had met there, and I went to a play, and on other social outings, with. [Reference my 8/21/19 post, "A Lesson To A Younger Woman, From An Older Woman . . . ."]  I had felt like I was just being told to shut up and 'stuff it', by that pastor, which was how my parents had treated me, my whole life, in their attempt to control me by robbing me, of my voice, to speak out about what was going on, and how I felt it.

Since I was so squeamish, about all medical procedures, it was an odd career choice for me to become a CNA, working first in nursing homes and then in a hospital. However, my being such a devoted nurturer, to others, made me an excellent nurse's aide. The nursing staff all had high praise for my work with the patients, but for me the most important thing of all was the fact that the patients themselves frequently told me that I was their favorite nurse! I was able to make a positive difference in the lives of so many people, in that job, and I loved doing that! I was in an interesting career field, which was ever challenging, and ever changing, also. As I took his vital signs, the older Jewish gentleman would teach me Yiddish, calling me a shayne maydl. When I was making the bed with clean linen, in a middle-aged woman's room, I listened to some of the audio tape, that she was playing, on 'Jesus Counseling', which explained how to go to a place, spiritually, using your imagination, and have talks with Jesus there, so to speak, which took on an interactive energy, with Him, then. [Reference Romans 12:2, Ephesians 3:20, and Matthew 13:34]. It so fascinated me that she told me to take the cassette home, to listen to all of it, and bring it back, which I did. The concept it taught me helped me, then, and for the rest of my life!

Very rarely did any patient not want me to be directly caring for them. One, that did not, was a diabetic man, who was admitted to the hospital, to have both of his legs amputated. His nurse told me that he requested I not be assigned to him, because I was too cheerful for him, to deal with in his despair. Once a female patient was admitted who was seriously ill. The doctors and staff were trying to figure out what was wrong with her. I also had to chart on the patients that I cared for so, in her case, I ended up being the one that put them all quickly on the right trail for her diagnosis. I charted that she was very jaundiced which is an extremely important symptom. The nursing staff challenged me, about that, before the doctor saw it, saying that the lighting in the patient rooms caused skin to have a more yellow appearance. I responded that, while that was true, when I was standing beside her, at the mirror or by the window, and she appeared to be alot yellower than I was in the very same lighting, that she is very jaundiced. The nurse then went in to check, between her skin and the patient's, and came out saying, in a quite surprised way, that I was right about this, and that she had overlooked it earlier, because she assumed it was simply due to the lighting in the room. They let the doctor know that I was the one who had observed, and charted, it originally, greatly helping with the accurate diagnosis of her condition. I felt like I was doing important, meaningful work, as a Nursing Assistant, which also helped me adjust, to not having my son, with me, since I gave that conscientious care to my patients, now.

The Assistant Head Nurse, whom I had worked for at the hospital, wrote this reference for me:

                                                                                                        "June 11, 1985
                                                                                                         Omaha, Nebraska

To Whom It May Concern:

     Debbie Carlin was a nurse's aide under my direct supervision . . . . During this time I observed her giving direct patient care at Lutheran Medical Center. Debbie likes working with people. This is reflected by her caring attitude and the kindness with which she carries out her assigned duties. She is very conscientious and strives to meet the needs of those people she works with.
     Debbie is an excellent employee and would be an asset to any employer.

                                                                                                        Sincerely Yours,
                                                                                                        Martha Binkard
                                                                                                        Assistant Head Nurse"

There is both good and bad to everything, in life, however. At my first CNA job that I had, which was in a nursing home, a co-worker stole my paycheck, when I already could not keep up, with my rent, and could barely afford any groceries, after she had offered me a ride, somewhere, to seemingly be helpful to me! I got the check back, after alot of hassle, and stress, and lies, from her, about that, but the camaraderie evaporated for me there, from that incident, and others. At the second job that I had, as a Nursing Assistant, in another nursing home, I slipped, and fell--- hard!--- on a wet floor, which had simply appeared to be shiny clean, to me, because there was no CAUTION: WET FLOOR sign on it, at all, as a safety warning. I was lucky, that I did not get any permanent back damage, or other serious or lasting injuries, from that fall, but the chaplain for the nursing home, who was part of the managerial staff, but also a personal friend, of mine, was privy to a conversation between the Head Nurse and HR, in which they planned to run me off after, and because of, my fall, because they wanted to avoid a Workman's Comp claim, or a potential lawsuit, if my consequential injury from that proved to be a serious or a lingering one, although I never sought to do either one of those things. They had also put the required sign in that hallway, after I fell there, claiming that it was there, all along, when it wasn't, to try to cover their own negligence, which had caused my fall, and injury. I applied at the hospital as soon as the chaplain told me about their plan, to get rid of me, now, and was quickly hired there. I liked this third, and final, nursing job environment, the best of all, which also seemed to be the most honest and ethical, of them, as well, as far as the people that I was now working with, and for!

Still, cleaning colostomies, shampooing away peoples' head lice, and dealing directly with the patients who had tuberculosis, and other potentially contagious illnesses (this was before HIV came onto the scene), were not pleasant tasks for me to do, nor was helping the patients who were uncooperative, overly demanding, and irritable for no real reason. One of them even cost me my career in this field, by injuring my lower back due to her selfish and hysterical obstinacy in such a way that my back then began to continually be a problem for me, following that initial incident, until I was finally forced to leave this type job, altogether. This was a woman who was a chronic alcoholic, and was continually in and out of the hospital because of all the damage to her body, from that. She had ruined her liver, and her abdomen was very distended. I was told to take her for a procedure, downstairs, on one of her (many) re-admissions to the hospital. At the most vulnerable point (for my own body to be put at risk of injury) during the transfer of her from the bed to the wheelchair, as I was supporting much of her weight with my slender frame, without warning or reason, she suddenly lunged back toward the bed, in the opposite direction than I was in the midst of taking her. As she did that I had to bear all of her weight with my own body to keep her from hitting the floor with hers, and as I got her back onto the bed, then, I felt a tearing sensation, across my lower back, and was then barely able to stand, because of that.

After making sure that she was safely settled, back onto her bed, where she had begun taking herself (and me, with her) after suddenly screaming out that she did not want to go, during the transfer to the wheelchair, I limped toward the Nurses Station in alot of pain and let them know what had just happened. After several (unsuccessful) rounds of Physical Therapy, for this back injury, which she had caused, along with prescriptions for muscle relaxers and pain pills, which did not seem to help me, very much, and had undesirable side effects, I became despondent. I was dealing with several serious, and sad, things in my life, all at the same time, including now watching my career 'go down the toilet' because of this patient's behavior, who did not seem to care about herself, or her own health, and had badly damaged me, and mine, due to that. One evening, out of despair, I drank alcohol, along with taking some pills, and after reaching out, to my mother, by phone, in my intense physical, and emotional, pain, only for her to simply hang up on me, I managed to call an ambulance, to take me to the ER, which was in the very same hospital that I worked in. [Reference my 5/8/19 post "More Of My Memories Of My Mother" for more on this] My career, in nursing, where people had needed my nurturing, and I could make such a difference, with that, had been very therapeutic for me, especially as I was just learning how to live my life without my son, Jay, being with me. So, losing that career was a huge blow, adding to my distress, and discouragement, at the time, which I already had way too much of.

During this time in my life, while I was working at the second of the two nursing homes, I met a neighbor, at the apartment complex, where I lived. We never dated. We never even had a real relationship. Certainly not a romance. I was not even attracted to him, or impressed by him, in any way. I was just really lonely, and he was there, just to talk to some. One day he invited me over, to his apartment. It was the only time that I ever went over there. When I arrived, he just sat on the floor with his back against the furniture reading the newspaper. I was so grateful for any company, at all, to distract me, for a while, from my heartache, that I sat on the floor, near him, and watched him read the newspaper. It reminded me of how my mother had always held the newspaper up, like a barrier, to communication, between us, as I was growing up, shutting me out and causing me to feel that, whatever was in its pages, must be far more important, or interesting, than me, since that was the situation, in first that, and now this, attempt of mine at interaction with this other person. As I describe this interaction with this guy to you, now, it will likely sound as if I MUST be leaving out some details about all this, but I assure you that I am not. So, this IS as pathetic as it sounds. After I had simply sat there, in silence, for some time, watching him read the paper, just to have the crumbs of this human contact in my own life, he finally finished reading and sitting the paper down, he came over to me and began to undress me. I simply sat there and let him, because by then it was deeply drummed into my soul that I wasn't worth any more than this; by my parents, my husbands, my employers and co-workers, the pastor . . . . There seemed to be abundant evidence that I was not of any more value than this, to other people. There is also an extremely strong message sent to females, even from a young age, both subliminally and overtly, that we must bargain, with our sexual desirability, to have any hope at all of our ever having any of the love that we so need in our hearts and lives.

Here is one of my free verse poems, which reflects these things in my thinking, from my social conditioning, that was written during this period, of my life, on September 1, 1984, and is very revealing, as far as how I was feeling, and what I was struggling with, as a young woman then:

                                                             September Saturday

Evening.
               Late summer.
A warm wind whips the trees and teases my body,
            my hair, with its caresses.
                                                       Soon it will rain.
Dare I acknowledge--   tho I cannot acquiesce to--
these emotions within me?
                                      I long to lie naked
with my feet raised against a tree trunk,
letting the rain beat down upon my vulva and run into
                                                                    my vagina
and down      over my breasts.
                                                 I ache to be caressed,
explored,
               appreciated for my being a woman.
Such a lovely creature to be, in a man's grasp!
Ummmmm . . . I close my eyes & fantasize.

Curled up now instead among pillows on my bed,
                                                                               alone,
with the latest copy of Cosmo,
stroking my thighs as I read an erotic story and
feeling my nerve endings                   tingle!
How lovely to be a woman!
How lonely to be a woman,                alone,
on a stormy, sensuous, Saturday night.
How inexplicably, inescapably marvelous and torturous,
                                     simultaneously.

The rain begins, softly, in perfect harmony with
the romantic songs I have on the stereo.   Sin?
Don't tell me about it, tonight.
TONIGHT . . .
I'm sure the biggest sin           is      that I lie here alone
with no one to give my love to.
My cuddly, caressing, warm, wet, musky, moaning
love . . .

With all the social rules, regulations, restrictions--
                                           & incompatible
astrological signs--
                                 it's a miracle any two people
ever find each other & get past it, all, into the
  beauty of sharing . . . the love, the joy, the peace.

(I wonder if I have anyone out there? Somewhere?
 I long to sail away, on a wave of sensuality, but there's no one to
                                                                                     man my vessel,
 swim my     ocean,
                                     taste my salty spray on their lips.)

Only fantasy keeps this September Saturday night
from being a total waste of me as a woman.

I sail into a reverie on a wave of longing . . . .

                                       ----D.C. [Note: for Debby Carlin]     9/1/84

He had not conversed with me at all, while I was there, nor had he even tried to 'sweet talk', or romance, me. He had barely acknowledged that I was even there in the room with him, and he wasn't saying anything to me now, either, as he took my clothes off of me, while I just sat there, silently, and let him do that to me. I simply sat there like a statue, rather than a human being, a person with a will, of their own, while he undressed me. Then, once he had my pants off of me, he put his penis inside of me, still saying nothing at all to me, and for less time than a minute, I simply sat there and let him, because by then I believed that this was the best that I could ever have, of human interaction, or anything close to companionship, affection, or even love, since I WAS DAMAGED GOODS. I felt that, for this guy to also be treating me this way, now, he must have sensed that 'invisible sign', which I now felt was, apparently, permanently tattooed across my forehead, which people seemed to, somehow, know was there, and treated me accordingly, when they came into my life; which informed them that I was nothing but 'DAMAGED GOODS', that they could therefore treat casually and carelessly, due to that depreciation. I wasn't on any birth control, because I was not having sex, with anyone, and I was not trying to have sex, with anyone. I was trying--- hoping--- to be, and to feel, loved at some point, by someone. That was what I wanted, and needed, which is the deepest longing of the human heart; but what this guy (and I don't even recall his name, because we never really had any type of real relationship, at all, and I was only around him this one time) was doing was not 'lovemaking', by any means. It was sex. He was sitting on the floor and after taking my pants off had pulled me onto his penis, in an upright, straddling, position. As I realized what he was doing, to me, I still let it happen. I didn't try to stop it. I sat like a zombie, dying inside, all over again, for so many reasons, in that moment. Then, somehow, as if I woke from a bad dream (instead of the actual nightmare, that was really going on, at the time) I simply said to him, "I can't do this" and I stood up, put on my pants, and went back to my apartment. The entire thing was no more than one minute of time.

[Note: By this point in my life, I had already experienced my uncle Jim touching me with sexual intent, when I was an adolescent, and, rape, by a virtual stranger, and, several other, assorted, sexual assaults, and attempted sexual assaults, along with what I would certainly characterize as emotional abuse, by my parents, throughout my relationship with them, and in my marriage to my son's father, which had led to the break down of that relationship, and ultimately then my giving up custody of my son, all of which I was still suffering from, as I was struggling to adjust to what was left of my life, now, after all of this had happened to, and taken a huge toll on, me. Reference my posts on my parents, my first two marriages, and my Air Force career, for more on all these things that I went through. So much of that backgound, on me, dovetails into why this moment happened, in my life, that I am speaking of in this post, now. Additionally, this link is for an extremely enlightening, and informative, article, by Farahnaz Mohammed, titled "The Repetition Compulsion: Why Rape Victims Are More Likely To Be Assaulted Again", that really does an excellent job of explaining exactly why I felt, and therefore acted, like I did, now. I saw myself, very clearly, in what she was saying, here: https://www.girlsglobe.org/2015/08/04/the-repetition-compulsion-why-rape-victims-are-more-likely-to-be-assaulted-again/  Please read it!]

It wasn't surprising that I felt upset, and was emotional, with me going through so much. At the second nursing home where I worked then, I had fallen on the freshly mopped floor and gotten injured, in that fall. I was having to job hunt, again, because of my employer's position, toward me, after my injury made them legally liable, although I never threatened any action about that, and it healed up well, after some time. I was experiencing extreme poverty issues, since I was making close to minimum wage, which were causing me to be unable to fully cover my rent, at times, putting my residing in my apartment at risk. With so little money I hardly had anything to eat. I had to turn my car back into the dealership, because they told me that they were about to repossess it, from me, anyway, since I was already a couple of payments behind, on it, with no way to catch up. Last but not least, I was still trying to deal with missing my son, so badly, after transferring his custody, from me, to his father and step-mother, for his sake, which had felt like it nearly killed me, as a very loving mother, who had so conscientiously cared for her child. So, with all of that going on, in my life, which was more than enough to make my stomach feel like it was in a knot, it wasn't until the ER doctor, at the hospital that I had applied to, was doing my pelvic exam during the pre-hire physical, and said to me as he palpated my abdomen "Did you realize that you are pregnant?", that I even really confronted that possibility. It was hard for me to believe that was possible, from so little contact between me and that guy, the one time! All I can say is, apparently, I got pregnant very easily, both with my son, and this time; and, I was a woman that never wanted to ever be pregnant, in my life, for reasons that I've already covered in other Blog posts, here. In fact, after, and because of, this happening to me twice, now, I had my OB/GYN 'tie my tubes' (and to "burn or scar the ends of them, so they can't somehow heal back together!") by a Laparoscopic Tubal Ligation, which he did for me when I was still a much younger age than this was usually agreed to, by a woman's doctor, because he knew well that I remained a woman that had not ever wanted, or intended, to be pregnant in my life. I was 28 years old when I asked to be, and got, sterilized, on January 7, 1985. Even after that, I had an underlying fear, since I had gotten pregnant so extremely easily, both times that I had, that my body might heal itself, from the sterilization procedure, and I could still end up pregnant, again, then, which I had heard had happened to some patients, on occasion. Being concerned about protecting myself, from STDs, as well, I have gone through the rest of my life having very little sex, anyway, and the few times that I did outside of marriage, I also used condoms, for added protection. I have been very risk averse, to any, and all, complications which could come from my having sex, making me extremely (pun intended) 'gun shy'. I've lived celibate for decades.

I was absolutely flabbergasted, that the (one minute, or less) physical connection with that guy had gotten me pregnant! It did not seem that he had even had time to ejaculate, at all, before I had mustered the last little bit of self-respect, that I still had, and pulled myself away, from him, that day. He and I never were even around one another, except for that one time, nor had any type of real relationship, together. It was confusing, and horrifying, to me, and, became part of my employment physical for my brand new job, that I had to have, since the nursing home was trying to get rid of me after I was injured there from their negligence. It felt like the bridges were being burned, in my life, not just behind me, but ahead of me. I had to have this job, to survive! I was alone. My being able to make a living was all I had. I remembered from when I had been pregnant with my son that once the Morning Sickness kicked in, I was rendered literally unable to hold down a job because that was so severe for me. I came home from the job physical and called my mother. She gave me the 'You are shaming the family' speech, again, only this time, she also said that she was sending me money, for me to get an abortion, although I didn't ask for, or want, that from her. What I did need from her I never got, in my life, which had alot to do with how I ended up in these situations, to start with, due to extreme emotional deprivation, in me. [Reference my Blog posts on my mother, for a better understanding of (the effects of) this]

I called my close friend, Ada, and told her I was pregnant. I knew that she cared about me, and I trusted her. This time, however, she agreed with my mother, saying that my only option, in the dire situation that I was currently in, financially, physically, and emotionally was for me to get an abortion. I balked at that, even though I could see why she would say that, given my desperate situation. She advised me to exercise really hard, saying that she had heard some women had miscarried their babies, that way, so, since this was still extremely early on, in the pregnancy, I did that, but I didn't do it much, or long, because it made me so sad. In the meantime, my Start Date, for the new job, was approaching, and I knew that I could not hold down a job, when the Morning Sickness started, for me. Also, I had very little food to eat. My mother's check came in the mail, for the abortion, and I showed it to Ada, but I still didn't want to do that. However, Ada, seeming rational, in a world where everything was either upside down, or falling apart, for me, continued to calmly but urgently tell me that I had no other choice, at all, in my situation, but to get an abortion. So, she drove me to one of the abortion clinics, and went in, with me. I'd been told to bring a robe, and the check, from my mother, over the phone, when I had called, to ask about an abortion. As I sat there, answering the intake questions of the lady behind the desk, I suddenly got up and ran out, leaving my mother's check sitting there, and tossed my robe onto a fence, a ways down the street, as I fled, from there, so I could run faster. I heard Ada behind me, calling to me, but I didn't stop. Eventually, she got her car, and coming alongside me, after she finally caught up with me, she said "Debby, just get in the car!" Getting in, I said, "Ada, I'm NOT going BACK there! I CAN'T DO THIS! I don't KNOW what I am going to do but I can't DO this!" She said she would take me home, and that she had retrieved the check after I left there, and also my robe from off the fence, as I fled, and she was trying to catch up to me on foot, at first. Once we'd gone back to my apartment though, she logically, and lovingly, went back over the dire straits of my current life situation, again, while continuing to say that, this time, at least, my mother was right, and I HAD NO CHOICE but to get an abortion. With the new job looming closer and closer, and my situation seeming darker and darker, I acquiesced, once again, and on a Saturday morning, Ada drove me to another abortion clinic, and this time, that happened.

There was the intake with the woman behind the desk, again, asking me the questions, which I can't even recall now, because I was so overcome by horror at this whole situation. The check, from my mother, to pay for this, was signed over to this clinic, and Ada was there, with me, for emotional support. I went through my life having almost no emotional support from anyone, for anything, but I had it now, from her, for this. There was no advocate for the baby there, though; not even me, it's mother, now, which I assure you, to this day, I have never forgiven myself for. I have been crying even as I am writing this post, but I am hoping that my sharing this will lead other women to choose life, for their babies. Just choose life, and let God work out the details, whether a childless couple adopts the child, or some other viable solution presents itself. I am telling you, truthfully, that, in your heart of hearts, you will never be able to get over doing this, to this helpless being in your belly, if you have the abortion. We are made to love our offspring, not to kill them. I was shocked by how full this waiting room was, with other young women like myself, all silently sitting there, looking down at our feet, no one talking, to one another, at all. I daresay that all of us would rather not have been there. Something else striking, to me, about this scene, at that abortion clinic, that I strongly feel needs to be pointed out, was the absolute absence of any of the males involved in this. Every one of these babies, that were about to be aborted, came from their fathers, who had impregnated each one of us. While our society rails at the women getting these murderous procedures, WHERE ARE THE MEN WHO CREATED THESE LIVES? Why are THEY never in this picture, it seems? They were most certainly right there, present and accounted for, when these women, including myself, got pregnant by them. THEY should NOT be ignored, in this equation. THEY DO share the responsibility, and blame, for the death of these purely innocent beings. We women pay such huge prices for these men that see the extent of THEIR sexual responsibility going no farther than getting themselves off. I did see that guy, who'd impregnated me, in the parking lot of the apartment complex one day as he was coming home, and I told him that I was pregnant by him, then. His reaction seemed to be the standard, male, one, of complete unaccountability, and selfishness, as he said to me those two all-too-common comments, "How do I know it is mine?" and, "Just get an abortion!", and that was the end of that, as far as he was concerned. To him, this just wasn't his problem.

As the intake was done, on each one of us, they led us into a large room, where steel gurneys were lined up in a long row, and IVs were started on each of us in turn. Starting with the young woman at the farthest end of this row, of us, we were each wheeled in to a much smaller room, one at a time, one after another. I was somewhere in the middle, of this row, of gurneys, laying there, listening, to some vacuum noise, in the otherwise solemn quiet, start, and then stop, not long after, which began shortly after each woman was wheeled, out of sight, into that adjoining room. I don't know, now, what was in that IV or if I ever knew, even back then. It might've been a sedative, or even something to start the death of the baby (Yes, 'the BABY'; NOT 'a speck of tissue', or a non-person, but a CHILD, there inside of me. We are talking about MURDER here, whether you acknowledge that, or agree with that, or not, and I AM A MURDERER, because of this moment in my life. It IS what IT IS!). When the nurse came, and wheeled me in, to the little room, she folded my arms, across my chest, then pulled up the lower half of my hospital gown, wrapping them tightly inside it until it looked, and felt, like I was in a strait-jacket. I attempted to sit up, but I couldn't, while I immediately started saying to the doctor and to her, "I don't want to do this! I have changed my mind! You can just keep the check! STOP! STOP! STOP! . . ." until it just went black, for me, as I heard that vacuum noise begin. The next thing that I recall, I was still saying "STOP!  STOP!  STOP!" only, I groggily heard the nurse, saying to me, now, "It's all over, honey" and realized then that I was back out in the larger room again now. Someone told me, later, that, with the open IV, in my arm, they had simply pushed a button, to release a drug into it and had knocked me right out. But I had told them, before the vacuum noise began, that I had changed my mind. So, was that too late, to do that? They hadn't listened to me! Did they want the money, that much? Or the baby dead, that badly . . . . Or, both? I didn't know. They'd put a big menstrual-type absorbent pad, on me, because I was bleeding heavily, now, Helping me get dressed, they relinquished me to Ada's care, and she drove me home to my apartment.

On the way there, I turned my face toward the passenger side window, away from Ada. By the time we got back to my apartment I was bleeding so heavily that it had leaked through the pad. Ada said that she would go, and get me some more pads, but I told her to please just go away, and leave me alone now, so she did. With that blood leaking out and down my legs, I lay down on my bed and turned my face to the wall, with tears just streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to, and started to, reach out to the Lord in my deep pain and distress, because all my life I had turned to Him, about anything and everything. But I stopped myself, this time, saying to myself, silently, through my tears, "I CAN'T do that NOW! I can't do THAT, anymore, EVER AGAIN. I'm a murderer, and He KNOWS it! I can't EVER go to Him, again, about anything, now . . . ." [This is how our sin makes us feel, toward God! Reference Genesis 3, especially verse 8, to see the very first time that this ever happened, between people and God.] As I lay there, more alone in that moment that I ever felt in my entire life, feeling the sticky blood underneath the pad and on my legs, feeling certain that I could never come to God about anything, ever again, because of this BIG sin, I just took in the stillness, and the aloneness, and the hopelessness, I was feeling, while also realizing that my back was hurting alot, because of being on the steel gurney, for the murder of my child. My subconscious thought, in that moment, was a longing, to have my back rubbed, to rid it of that awful aching, which was reminding me of the reality, of this tragedy, that had just occurred. No sooner had I had that unspoken thought, than I had that feeling, that one gets, when you are in a room, alone, but then, sense someone else has entered; and you look up, and see them, there, after feeling their presence, before you ever saw them. For a moment I thought that perhaps Ada had come back, after all, bringing more pads, as she had wanted to do, for me, because my face was to the wall, and my back was to the door, of my apartment. I turned slightly to look over my shoulder, intending to tell her again to just go away, because all I wanted was to be alone, right now, in my grief. I was shocked, to see that this was NOT Ada.

It was the Lord, Jesus! He is so completely pure, righteous, and sinless, and I could FEEL that, emanating from Him. By contrast, all I could feel, oozing FROM ME, then, along with the blood flow, from the abortion, was that I was now a MURDERER. I was feeling mortified, by that, so I quickly turned my face back to the wall. I just could not look at Him. I was so ashamed. I didn't say anything to Him, at all, because I didn't feel that I could, now. He was so holy, and I was so sinful. I couldn't fathom WHY He was even willing, or wanting, to be with me, there, then, at all. He didn't say anything, to me, but HE began to rub my back, which was hurting BECAUSE OF the gurney that I had lain on while my baby was killed! It felt so good, to feel the pain leave my back, from this warmth, and motion, of HIS loving hands. I KNEW that I deserved to be hurting instead, and, even worse than that, after what had just happened, rather than feeling the relief, and the healing, that He was providing me, now. I also knew why He was not saying anything, to me, at all, about it. Since He is TRUTH, and SPEAKS only truth, He couldn't comfort me, in my deep distress, by telling me anything like "It's okay" or "It's alright", because BOTH OF US knew that those things were NOT TRUE. His pronouncements are always righteous; but He is always loving. What I had just done was NOT okay, and was NOT alright, in His Book; literally. What He was demonstrating, to me, that day, though, as He lovingly rubbed all of that pain out of my back, which was due to the abortion, was HIS GRACE! That memory, of HIM, doing that FOR ME, on that awful day, became the very picture, to me, of what HIS Grace IS, and what it DOES. By definition, Grace is UNMERITED FAVOR. He offers that to each of us, because "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). "Grace" had always been more of an abstract, and a religious, concept FOR ME, until that day, in my life. Ever since then, this memory has been the defining moment, that has allowed and enabled me to comprehend and experience God's Grace, in my life. It is personal, and relational. It truly is AMAZING GRACE!

Romans 5:12 ESV “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—"

John 3:16-17 ESV “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."

1 Corinthians 2:9 ESV “But, as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him'—"

More On The One Man That I Would Love Forever: Ending Up In Omaha, & Married

In full disclosure, this has been such a difficult post for me to write that, if you are reading this now, that must mean that I FINALLY got THROUGH this process and published it on my Blog. >sigh!< At the moment, it is 1:30 PM on Saturday afternoon, 7/20/19, and as I sat down here to try, YET AGAIN, to get this post FINISHED, I realized that I have already been working on it FOR A FULL MONTH, now, and I am still a long way from being done with it! I actually started it when I began the previous post about this man, published 6/26/19, splitting off some of that for this post, seeing that there was no way that I could cover this specific subject matter in just one post (even though I have written some very LONG posts in this Blog!). I had begun writing that previous post, about him, on June 19th. As I started dealing with this second post, now, which covers more of our relationship, I have struggled so much with writing it that I have felt, most of the time, like any progress, I have made on it, has been two steps forward, then one step backward, which has been extremely frustrating for me! AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaagh!

This process, of my Blogging about my life, is internally similar to slowly but steadily releasing a series of sky lanterns, with me first bringing to light the subject matter, of each post, one at a time, for both me and you, the reader, to observe, and contemplate, for this moment, and then releasing it, to finally settle in its ultimate, often unknown, destination. I work extremely hard on these posts, living with each one both intimately and intensely as it is being prepared, which is often very difficult, painful, even anxiety-producing, for me to do! There is a real feeling of relief when I finally hit "Publish", and liberate it, to simply be what it is, in truth and in fact. When I am struggling to get a post to that place, it can often become extremely frustrating for me, just as it is now. I WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT, but I simply HAVE TO get THROUGH it, first! It's hard. (I just got tears in my eyes, typing those last two words, because it REALLY, TRULY IS HARD!) 

Now, as I ADD THIS PART, of this Blog post, during one of the many times that I edit the text, as I go, it is almost noon on Wednesday, July 24th, which is the day of the week that I have always published every post (except when I mistakenly deleted my 7/3 post, when I went in to post-edit it, as I also usually do, on 7/4, and had to re-publish it, then, on that date). I am sitting here having an anxiety attack right now. Knowing I simply couldn't complete this post in time to publish it, last week, I inserted one of my devotionals instead, which are, in themselves, both an important read and reminder, for us all! 

As I do my blogging, it is always prayerfully. In beseeching God, all through the process, as to what I am to DO ABOUT THIS POST, I strongly feel that He is Leading me to just go ahead and put this post out there, TODAY; even though I SEE IT as (STILL) being a VERY INCONGRUENT, IRRECONCILABLE, MESS, of emotions! Just as I am having to confront this shocking and frustrating reality, in me, now, as I reread my work on this post, again and again, eventually recognizing this reality, as a result of that, YOU will now also CLEARLY BE ABLE to SEE my CONFLICTING THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS, about this person whom this post is about. I have been unable to EDIT THAT (FACT!) OUT, because it is proving to be simply INSEPARABLE from the subject matter, which is this man.

While struggling mightily to produce this post, I FINALLY realized that the underlying difficulty, in my writing this one, has been that, even after 40 years, I apparently STILL lack a certain level of CLARITY about this relationship! This is precisely one of the reasons that my writing this Blog has been so important, and ultimately freeing, for me. As I address each topic, and prepare the post, or the posts, to describe it, I have to RELIVE all these things, from my past, exploring those emotions all over again, and examining my memories, to TRY to sort it all out in a coherent way, here. Those things can be messy to deal with. 

Writing this Blog has really helped me to focus on, and work through, each of these topics I am covering here, which will include almost everything about me, and about my life, somewhere along the way. Writing these posts can be difficult, and draining, for me to do, for a number of reasons. THIS ONE is proving to feel ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE for me to write, because I DIDN'T KNOW how MUCH of what I felt about this person had simply been stuffed, deep down, within me, FOR THE LAST 40 YEARS! Or, HOW CONFLICTED I HAVE BEEN ABOUT THIS MAN. 

This Blog is a VERY HONEST LOOK at my life, by me. I HAVE TO KNOW exactly what it IS, that I think and feel about these things, which I write about, in order to share here what those are! I HAD NO IDEA, UNTIL I began working on the posts about this man, that I had NEVER come to terms with SO MUCH of what I felt about this relationship. It was frankly SHOCKING to me! This was a VERY IMPORTANT revelation. 

Also, I think that the reason God is Leading me to simply publish it, in all the discordant messiness that it is, and reads like, as a result of that, is because apparently THAT IS THE POINT. THIS IS WHERE I ACTUALLY AM, regarding the relationship I had with this one man. It OBVIOUSLY (to me, now) ISN'T a relationship that I have been ABLE to come to terms with, or resolve within me, no matter HOW LONG IT'S BEEN, even trying AS HARD AS I CAN, to GET to that place. While I HAVE been able to do that, with ALL the other difficult subjects I have covered here, about my life, so far, I have been UNABLE to do so, with THIS.

I believe what God has been showing me is, first, that I AM EXTREMELY CONFLICTED about this person, and who, and what, they have been, in my life, and secondly, that I am NOT at a place NOW, or perhaps EVER, where THIS is no longer that way, for me. IT IS WHAT IT IS, in ALL its MESSINESS, and PAIN, and SADNESS, and HEARTBREAK . . . . it. is. what. it. is. 

I teared up, typing that, because I DON'T WANT to FEEL, or to BE hurt, the way I AM as I have been reliving this relationship, again, to write about it here, now; but there doesn't SEEM to BE anything more that I can DO about that, than to do what I am ALREADY DOING, and hope for clarity, and closure, about it, about HIM, at some point . . . . >sigh!<  

SO, I will KEEP TRYING to make sense of my conflicting emotions, and bring this post to a place of coherence, as best I can, today, to publish it, by the end of the day, now, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, because I TRULY BELIEVE that God is Leading me to just GO AHEAD, and PUT THIS (MESS!) OUT THERE, and I "WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT" (2 Corinthians 5:7). Perhaps His POINT, to us ALL, with this, is that, in living our lives, on this fallen planet, we CAN'T ALWAYS get to the place that the EVENTS of our lives, or our EMOTIONS about them, CAN BE "nice and neat (or, rather, whitewashed and sweet) in order to make them more palatable, or easier to cope with, for anyone reading them" as the Header to my Blog says. 

This problem that I am having, DEALING WITH, and DOING, this post, about this man, touches on something, about me, AT MY VERY CORE, which is RAW AND REAL, and that is particularly painful to me. This is that I have lived my life, largely because of what I have been through, feeling the FUTILITY, at times, that "I TRIED!", from the FRUSTRATION that "MY BEST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH!". However, as rough as it has been for me, sometimes, I remain a very grateful person, that sees clearly, and knows for sure, that it could have been ALOT worse, than it HAS been, FOR ME (and IS, for some people), and that I AM TRULY A REALLY GOOD PERSON, that contributes ALOT OF IMPORTANT THINGS, on this planet, by both how I manage, and manifest, my presence here. 

I DAILY GIVE GOD ALL THE PRAISE, GLORY, AND THANKS FOR THAT! Nobody does EVERYTHING right, in this life, OR has ALL the ANSWERS, about it.  But, I am 'hanging in there'; with a grateful heart; and there's ALOT to be SAID, for BOTH THOSE THINGS, to me!

This post HAS BEEN HELPING ME to see SOME things MORE CLEARLY, already, about my life, too! NOW, I can LOOK BACK and SEE WHY I MADE some of the CHOICES that I DID, including AFTER this was over with him, such as my KNOWINGLY marrying a boy-man, next, that I KNEW only NEEDED me as a MOTHER figure to him, and not a wife, et cetera. Since I was not ever OVER this man, emotionally, whom this post is about (though I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT, at the time, due to HOW ANGRY AND HURT I was, with and because of him), I MUST have SUBCONSCIOUSLY decided that I wouldn't really be ABLE to FIND ANY MAN that could REPLACE HIM, in my life, because, apparently, I felt DEEP DOWN that NOBODY COULD! As a VERY RECENT REVELATION, to myself, in working on these Blog posts, this could REALLY HELP ME to FINALLY MOVE FORWARD, with my life, and relationships, which have seemed 'stuck' in NEUTRAL for DECADES now! I NEVER KNEW WHY that WAS, until I HAD TO stare THIS part of my past in the face, and finally DEAL WITH IT, to cover it here. 

It is daunting, for me to do this; especially SUCH A LONG TIME after the relationship ENDED, between us! It is HUMILIATING, and DISTRESSING. I feel like SO MUCH of MY LIFE has been WASTED, by my loving this man, whom I truly believe NEVER ACTUALLY LOVED ME AT ALL! Our emotions greatly affect our decisions in life, even when we aren't actually AWARE of what those are! If I can get 'unstuck', though, at least emotionally, putting myself through this will be worth the pain of it, now. 

I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE, regarding this man! I am HOPING that, as I am gaining this much-needed and long-neglected clarity about this relationship, that I will finally be freed of it, and perhaps even be able to say, some day, that he is NO LONGER 'The One Man That I Would Love Forever'! FOR NOW, I CONTINUE, coming to terms with this story, of US:   

I had been staying at my parents' house in Hickory, North Carolina, for a short time. They were pressing me for what I was going to do with my life, now, and I really wasn't sure; so that simply felt like more pressure on me, coming at me right on the heels of the deeply traumatic experience of my very recent Discharge from the Air Force [Reference my July 10, 2019, Blog post]. I was still very drained, and deeply depressed, from all that I had just been through. I desperately needed to find, and feel, some happiness in my life, again! I did know one thing for sure, though. I wasn't ever going to find that at my parents' place.

So, having saved some of my pay while I was in the service, I left there, and went back to Biloxi, Mississippi, to try to shake off my blues, and move forward with my future. At the time, I wasn't at all sure where, or what, 'forward' actually was, for me, though! It was just a-shot-in-the-dark decision, that young people especially, like myself at that time, can be prone to making, as a spontaneous reaction to the circumstances of life. Although it was now winter, on the calendar, I was headed back to the sunshine of the Gulf Coast, and the consolation of the beach, seeking some place that my soul could start to heal! 

There was another magnetic attraction to me, there, as well. I was still in love with Jim, the lieutenant whom I had basically lived with during my time stationed at Keesler Air Force Base, who was still in his Tech School there. I wondered if he felt any of the things, for me, that I felt for him; and because he mattered so much to me, I needed to find out.

I wasn't very optimistic about it, though, because he hadn't stayed in touch with me while I was at Offutt, and when I had come back to visit him, once, while I was stationed there, it was abundantly apparent to me that he was in no way hurting for companionship of any possible kind! Because I love someone with my whole heart, when I love them, it was very difficult for me to comprehend how he could enjoy what seemed, to me, like quantity over quality in his relationships.

The one-on-one intimacy, of (heterosexual) monogamy and fidelity, was the value that I always personally held as the Gold Standard for a true love relationship. As deeply as I loved Jim, though, I knew that was ultimately a decision that he simply had to make for himself. Just like Bonnie Raitt sings about in her song "I Can't Make You Love Me", my loving him was in no way any guarantee that he had once truly loved me, now loved me, or would ever love me at all! Because he meant more to me than any man I ever knew, and ever loved, though, I needed to find out exactly where things stood between the two of us. He hadn't stopped me, from coming to see him, and stay with him, with our having nonstop, hot, passionate sex together the entire time, during that one 3-day weekend, when I had flown back from Offutt, while I was still in the Air Force; and he wasn't stopping me, now, from staying with him at his place, either, while I figured out what to do now. 

To me, that said something about the relationship between us. Also, it didn't seem that any other woman had ever been living with him there, as I had basically been doing, previously, throughout my time stationed at Keesler, although I can't say for sure, since I hadn't been around for most of the time between then and now. Even so, I wasn't going to be emotionally equipped to deal with what the answers would actually turn out to be, to these questions that I had about us. Rather than the happiness I was seeking, for me, now, I would only find more heartbreak, especially regarding our relationship.

He had told me, a time or two, that his classmates at Tech School, with whom we socialized together, at times, had said to him that they didn't feel that we were right for one another [Reference my June 26, 2019 Blog post, "The One Man That I Would Love Forever"]. It seemed to me that, more than anything, he was allowing others to decide the matter for him, rather than his own heart and head, regarding our relationship. However, along the way, both he and I had both become ambivalent about one another, which seemed to be primarily due to us wanting two very different lifestyles, coming from what was apparently very different value systems, when all was said and done. I also wondered which side of him these other people, whose opinions he sought about us, were actually shown. Both of his Gemini sides were something that I had encountered, in my relationship with him, but he seemed well able to strategically control which part of his personality he would show to others, and when, and it was always clearly whichever one was to his benefit socially. 

This was not only the case when he was around his friends, but especially so when he was with his father, who had come to visit Jim in Biloxi, at least a couple of times, while he was in his Tech School there. I have always believed that the clincher, that caused me to be rejected by Jim, came when his father was there to stay with him for a visit while I was still stationed at Keesler. Jim had initially introduced me to his dad in a way that encouraged me, about the two of us together, by seeming enthusiastic about me, and acting proud that we were a couple. His dad was a very plainspoken Scotsman, who was brusque with his comments, including about me, so we ended up not hitting it off very well, at all. Jim was caught in the middle of that, but was also contributing to that problem some himself, by not speaking up. Was that from his own doubts?

When I was stationed at Keesler, Jim and his dad had taken me along with them to eat out at a restaurant, so that his father and I could get acquainted with one another. I could feel from Jim's behaviors that he had wanted his dad to like me, to see the good things in me, and it was also obvious that it was extremely important to Jim what his father's opinion of me would end up being. I felt confident about who I was as a person, and what Jim and I had together, then, though, so I wasn't worried about any potential pressure from all this, going into it. 

Sitting in the booth, as we ate, with Jim and I on one side of the table and his dad on the other, opposite the two of us so that he could see us together and talk with us both, there came a point that, as his dad talked with us, just about general topics, Jim had taken my hand in his, holding it there on the tabletop. That had always made me feel like I was special to him, going back to the very first day we met, when he had held my hand as we sat talking together in the Fish Bowl, on base! Not long after Jim had done this sweet gesture toward me, his dad stunned me, and galled me, though I 'stuffed' that so as not to make things more difficult for Jim, with this, by his commenting very assertively about "what kind of a girl holds a guy's hand in public" and how inappropriate and unbecoming THAT WAS-- OF ME! 

His SON had taken MY hand, which I am sure that he SAW, with his own eyes; and regardless, I couldn't imagine anyone thinking that this small, slight, display of affection was improper, or out of place, at all! It wasn't even militarily-frowned-upon PDA, because we were not wearing our uniforms at the time. I could sense Jim tensing up, with him quickly letting go of my hand, as he also realized that I was not going to be deemed 'acceptable' for a relationship with him, by his father, which we were already well into, by this time. 

In politeness to his dad, and to not make this any harder for Jim than it already had to be, since he had initially been so excited about my meeting his father, I managed to hold my tongue, remain courteous to his dad, and wished him a wonderful visit with his son, as they dropped me off at my barracks, since Jim's dad was going to be staying with him at his apartment for awhile. As they drove off, I headed into the building, to sleep in my room there for the duration of his dad's stay at Jim's apartment, where I normally was.

My reaction to what had just happened was that: (1) I didn't care much at all for this man, Jim's father, because of how unfairly he had twisted, and then categorized, the hand holding that HIS SON HAD DONE, WITH ME, and (2) with that kind of writing on the wall, regarding our relationship, I would be SMART to simply 'cut my losses' and be DONE with dating Jim. It was obvious that he highly valued, even coveted, his father's approval, and we would never be able to have his blessing, as a couple together. 

But, I was in love with this young man! I wasn't able to get myself free of the strong, deep, feelings I had for him, even though I was the one, never Jim, who had tried to break it off, between us, on several different occasions, while I was also stationed at Keesler. We always just ended up getting back together again, sometimes only being able to stay apart from one another, after one of these 'Final' breakups, for a matter of a few hours at most! It was awful, and sweet, and awful, and sweet, and awful . . . . 

I did think that we were DOOMED, as a couple, though, in my heart of hearts, at that point, because of the bottom line being that his father meant the world to him, and that man did not approve of us being together, at all. He, also, didn't think that I was right for Jim. As I have said here before, in my previous Blog post that was specifically about Jim, this was very difficult, and frustrating, for me, because of the fact that Jim and I seemed so happy, when we were alone together, without any of the 'outside interference' of others affecting that. How could we barely keep apart from one another, and each feel so fulfilled within our relationship together, if it was really as wrong for us as these others were saying?

I was both hurt and confused by that. It also had a real chilling effect on our relationship, as this began to undermine it more and more. Jim began to pull back from me, after seeing that the opinion of others, which he valued so greatly, would never align in our favor, just as I also began to pull back from him, due to my trying to save myself from the inevitable heartbreak of this situation. Even as we both tried to disengage from one another, for whatever reasons, there was something so strong between the two of us that we always ended up together again, though! Still, it steadily devolved into a relationship of Jim always having it both ways, which was neither healthy nor happy for me.

One of the ways you can know that I was completely in love with this man was by the fact that his father, whom I did not like very much at all, was also back in Biloxi, to visit Jim again, when I moved back there as a civilian; and I didn't avoid the situation. Neither did Jim! In fact, amazingly to me, Jim even allowed me to stay with him, then, as well. In his apartment. With them both! I did end up getting an apartment there, once I had obtained employment; but initially I was staying there at Jim's apartment, and was even all alone with his father while Jim was in school during the day. Out of love for Jim, I was courteous and kind to this man, who had disrespected me and my relationship with his son, when he was there previously. 

One day, as Jim's father asked me some personal things about my family background, and my life, I answered him honestly, but they were difficult things for me to talk about, which clearly showed on my face. Jim was on base at school, at the time. At one point, his father left the couch where he had been sitting and sat beside me on the living room floor, where I had been sitting near him, with my back against the couch, while we were talking there. He actually put an arm around me, and acted comforting to me, but there had never been anything at all like that, from him, toward me, before! So, I have to admit that, even if just for a moment, I wondered if this man was coming on to me! His face got so close to mine, feeling to me like he was moving in toward me a bit too close, so I looked down, then, as we kept talking more, just in case. It was confusing, and scary, to me, because he had to know that I was very much in love with his son, Jim, whom he and his wife had adopted as an infant. He had also previously made it very clear to me, going back to the hand holding criticism, during his previous visit, that he didn't think I was even actually much of 'a LADY', in his opinion, as if he even had the right to define who I should be, in the first place! It only added insult, to the injury, that the opinions of Jim's friends already held so much sway, over his own thinking, that their expressed doubts about us, being together, had now become a self-fulfilling prophecy, being as much a cause as an assessment.

I don't recall, now, the name of the strip joint, in Biloxi, that I got a job in, or exactly how that happened. Psychologists say that when a young woman has gone through traumatic sexual abuse(s), which I certainly had, in several significant ways, by this time, that this can actually cause her to become hypersexual in her behaviors, 'acting out' as a way of dealing with or compensating for those events in her life. I had also grown up watching TV showings of an autobiographical movie, from 1962, called "Gypsy", about the famous stripper, Gypsy Rose Lee, starring Natalie Wood. I was enamored with the story line, and fascinated by her stripper stylings. This place wasn't even as glamorous as those old burlesque theaters that she performed in, though. It was dark, dingy, sparsely decorated, and in no way had any appealing ambience to it at all. 

I had to bring my own 45 RPM records to play for my stripper sets, and go off stage, in between my 3 required songs, to change them out, on the old record player they had there. The first song was supposed to be 'dressed', in a sexy type of lingerie outfit; the second song was to be topless, and the third one was to be completely nude, except for the high heels on our feet, and, the pasties on our nipples. Thankfully, neither Jim nor his father came in there, to see my 'show', although they clearly knew that I worked there now. Being brand new to it, there wasn't a lot of stage 'show', by me, to be seen at the time! My 'performance' was more my walking around the big stage, on slippery, black satin, slide-style, high heels, with a black feather boa; both things I had bought in New Orleans, along with some quite sheer, and very small, lingerie, for it, after I got hired. 

I was feeling hurt by Jim's rejection of me, and his father's dislike of me, on top of all the trauma I had just gone through in the Air Force. Although, outwardly, I was acting upbeat about this new job, I was silently SCREAMING inside, for Jim to CARE ABOUT ME, enough to say that HE didn't want ME to be IN THERE! Sadly, though, that did not happen, as I kept trying to gauge, through the situation, as it was, where Jim, especially, stood with his feelings about me. Since men primarily see women as sexual objects, they would rarely ever think of the fact that this type of behavior by a girl may actually be her 'acting out', as a cry for help, or love, or both. Jim and his dad had even taken me out to dinner, FOR MY BIRTHDAY, in mid-February, but afterward they just dropped me off at the strip club for my shift. I didn't last very long at that job, though, despite the fact that these two men did not seem to care about me being in there. 

I was so completely naive, when I started working there, that I wasn't sure why the darkest, most secluded, area of the room was called 'The Passion Pit'! As I learned more about that place of business, I figured out it was mostly a front for prostitution they had the girls doing, and I quit before they could try to coerce me into that! I was there for such a very short time that they didn't even have any chance to try to 'groom' me to become one of their sex workers for them. Jim drove me over, one night, so that I could pick up the only paycheck that I had earned there, from my stripping.

[In an email from my now nearly-middle-aged son, which he sent me on April 22, 2019, he made a comment about what the relationship had actually been between his father and I, whom this post is about, by saying something to me which he seemed to believe was fact; apparently coming from his being misled by someone. Our son was only repeating what he had to have been told, but I would not ever have characterized it, to him, in such an extremely distorted way, as this CRAP was! It was imprecise and unsubstantial enough as to be rendered untruthful, in its summation of the relationship. I was extremely taken aback by that, since it had to mean that he was told that version by someone else, at some point in his life, which both demeaned and diminished the true nature and scope of my relationship with his father. 

My son stated to me in the email, which was (both to and about me): "No one 'Deserves' anyone else's respect; respect is earned. I can recognize and appreciate that you made an incredible sacrifice to give me the life that you knew I couldn't have, and I'm grateful for that. Not having kids of my own, I can't even imagine how difficult that would be. At the same time, despite how fortunate I am to have my life turn out the way it has -- for better or worse -- no one seems to stop and think how it feels to be the "mistake" of an exotic dancer and a young military guy." (I underlined the part of the comment he made, to me, that is most pertinent to this post, because I had N-E-V-E-R BEEN an "exotic dancer", during my entire relationship with his father, with everything that encompassed and involved, except for this few days to perhaps a week or so at most, that I stripped in this nightclub in Biloxi!) 

While I was used to being regularly discredited by my own mother, throughout my life, in such ways, and Jay had visited her in North Carolina, and he had also been to Elmira, to visit Jim's parents, who didn't like me, perhaps this had just been the version that Jim had told Linnea, since she had begun being involved with him while he and I were actually still legally married, and he probably felt like he had to cast himself in the best possible light, with her. I have to believe that this was probably the way Jim himself described the relationship he had with me, though, to our son, since I can't imagine that Jay would never have asked him about (his relationship with) his birth mother. 

It was so aggravating to me, when I read that, in my son's email to me, realizing Jim had to have been behind that LIE basically, since that stripper job was the ONLY thing that he COULD have referred to, then, since I didn't work as a dancer AT ALL, AGAIN, until after Jim and I were divorced, and I had transferred custody of Jay to him and Linnea, and had even worked as a CNA, for a couple of years, prior to dancing! Whoever told Jay that BULLCRAP, which I imagine was likely Jim, was being so self-protective and self-serving, and was really so disrespectful, doing that, toward not only me, and my relationship with him, but to our son too.

THE FACT IS that I only lasted around a WEEK or so, at that "exotic dancer" job, out of all the time that Jim and I were involved with one another; throughout the entire course of our relationship! I lost even more respect for Jim, after my reading Jay's email that summed up our relationship in that ridiculous way! I was very angry, seeing that in this email, since it characterized his father's behavior as being something so innocuous, which was unfair to me, and EXTREMELY MISLEADING (besides the fact that Jim was such a 'social butterfly' that, the entire time I knew him, LONELINESS-- from lack of human companionship, OF ANY KIND-- was never something that he suffered from!).

Out of my hurt, frustration, and extreme anger, over that, I responded to Jay by saying "If you could channel some of what you said in your email to me into song lyrics, you might finally be more able to write a song where the emotions were felt enough to make someone cry, making it A POWERFUL STATEMENT THEN. I cried. You are good with words, Jay! Much better in emails than in lyrics, though, it seems. Take this stuff between us and spit out a song from it all; MAKE IT COUNT FOR SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE! USE IT! USE ME! There's GOT to be SOME value for you, at least artistically, in having a . . . (oh, yeah . . . ) "exotic dancer" mother and all the drama that has come from that. . . . I'll TAKE THAT BOX, Jay, and live in it HAPPILY, as THAT box was one of the truly FUN and HAPPY ones, for ME, in life! I LOVED it, and STILL kid with God about that, all the time, as I dance around the apartment to Bruno Mars music, saying I still WOULD if I still COULD! LOL "Exotic dancer." Stripper. Whatever.] TRY to get SOMETHING GOOD from these emails FOR YOUR MUSIC. God knows it could use some emotional elevation. . . ." Angry or not, I MEANT EVERY WORD.

While I DO kid with God about the fact that, due to the fun of that job, I would probably be a nightclub dancer again, if I could, now, that statement does NOT refer to that WEEK or so that I was an actual STRIPPER, in Biloxi. THAT lament, by me, refers to my years as a Go Go dancer, in the required thong bikini costumes, in the Omaha area, NOT TOPLESS OR NUDE; none of which took place at any time during my involvement with Jim, in any way, shape, or form! It disgusts me, that it seems that this very misleading version of 'us' is what Jim whittled it down to, or watered it down to, for our son, Jay! My cheeks are burning, right now, just typing about it! 

One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with, about Jim, has been that I loved, and still love, him---  because of the depth of MY capacity to love someone, which, even though I would like to be completely over him, and hope that I will be, in time, is to my credit, as a human being. BUT. There is that stubborn refusal, of my heart, to accept the fact that, from the very beginning, in the Fish Bowl at Keesler, where we met, Jim was likely hunting convenient enlisted prey, to serve his needs while he was in Tech School there, and then simply be dumped by him, which is, behaviorally, what basically did happen, with us. 

In other words, the ONE HUMAN BEING that I have loved more than ANY other, in my entire life, is most likely just a REAL JERK, that was NEVER WORTH, or WORTHY OF, the depth of love that I have felt for, and gave to, him. THAT also says something about ME, which has perhaps been the reason that I haven't been able to ever let go of the love that I have for him. I have had a GREAT DEAL of trouble ACKNOWLEDGING that I could even ever GIVE my heart to someone SO UNWORTHY OF IT. The opinions of Jim's father, and friends, aside, I believe that I WAS, AND AM, ACTUALLY TOO GOOD FOR HIM!

While Jim's father was visiting there, he slept in the bedroom, in the same bed where Jim and I had so much great sex, back when I was in the Air Force. One day, when his dad was out of the living room for a while, probably taking a shower, Jim wanted to have sex with me. One thing that the two of us NEVER had any problem with was OUR CHEMISTRY TOGETHER, sexually! I told him that I was not on birth control anymore, though. I had still been on the pill, when I had flown back to see him from Offutt, for that one 3-day weekend, the year before this, in 1980, after leaving Keesler to PCS to that other base. There are certain side effects, though, to taking birth control pills; and since it didn't make any sense for me to remain on them, when I was back to being celibate, after that one weekend with Jim, I went off of them. 

I hadn't had any sex, with any man, the entire time that I was in the Air Force, despite all the tremendous pressure on me to 'put out'; except for Jim, whom I was in love with. So, although I wanted him, just as much as he wanted me, now, sexually, I told him I didn't see how we could, because he didn't seem to have any rubbers handy, and I wasn't on the pill now! He pulled the cushions off the couch, onto the living room floor, and he said, "I will just pull out, then, before I come." I was nervous about it, but I trusted him, to do that. 

As soon as we were finished, however, I immediately sat up, in a panic, trying to drain my vagina of any semen. This is the only way I can describe what had happened to me, just before my doing that, because I was told that there is no way that I could possibly have been, then, or have known, as quickly as this, but it had FELT LIKE some 'fairy wand', with some kind of a STATIC SHOCK to it, had TOUCHED me, just as we finished, and having NEVER felt THAT STRANGE SENSATION, before this, I said to Jim, "I JUST GOT PREGNANT!"

I just knew that I knew that I knew, somehow, and I felt very apprehensive about that! I had never wanted to have kids, largely because of all the crap I went through in my own upbringing, and my concerns that it would negatively affect my raising a child, in some way or other, as well as the fact that I was extremely medically squeamish, also due to things I was put through as a child. Jim assured me he had pulled out, though, and told me I was worrying about nothing, basically. I DEEPLY hoped that he was right, about that!

Jim helped me get a better job, learning how to become a ballroom dance instructor at a studio where he had been involved in ballroom dance, while he was in this area. The owners taught me, and a few others also hired to train as teachers, the dance steps just ahead of our having to teach these same steps to paying students! I also got a morning job, at a restaurant, pouring coffee for breakfast customers and such. With more viable employment, I was then able to rent an apartment, close to the beach, in Gulfport, which was just down coastal Highway 90 from Biloxi. 

Jim's father had left, already, to return home to Elmira, New York, just before Jim's Tech School at Keesler finally came to an end, with Jim also just about to leave the area, AND ME, behind. He vacated his apartment, where we had so many of our memories together; staying with me, for a very short time, at my apartment, before he left for his next duty station. It felt strange, for us both, being there, instead of at his place. His apartment had been furnished, but mine was not, so we slept on the floor together, which was not particularly comfortable. There was NOTHING 'comfortable', about this ENTIRE situation! 

Jim seemed very subdued, for that brief time he stayed with me, before he had to report to his next base. I wasn't smiling, either. It wasn't a 'fun' time, for me. He seemed set, in his decision, to LEAVE ME behind, probably then FOR GOOD. I couldn't fault him, for not feeling something he didn't seem to feel for me, now; if in fact he had ever really loved me. I was still just SICK about it, though, because I was left to wonder if MAYBE he DID love me, in his own heart; perhaps buried underneath the layers of others' opinions about our relationship, which he seemed to let be THE DECIDING FACTOR, about us being together. Rather than be supportive of me, he always seemed to turn on me, in those cases. He very clearly conveyed to me that the opinions of outsiders, and onlookers, and others, was far more important to him, in his life, than what the two of us had together, which was exactly the opposite of how I felt about all that. HE mattered to me; far more than ALL of those people, put together! I came to feel that I mattered LEAST to him, of anyone, in his life.

I was so sad, as I lay on the floor next to Jim, knowing that in the morning he would be gone, to drive to his next base. WITHOUT ME! It felt like my stomach was in KNOTS. I was feeling so emotional, and was so deeply upset by his leaving my life, that on the last morning that he was there, with me, I woke up, looked over at him, and wanted to cry, but I hurried to the bathroom instead, feeling so stressed out that I felt like I was actually going to throw up! At the time, I just thought that I felt this queasy from my extreme grief, which in itself was certainly deep enough to cause me to feel as I was then. I WAS SO UPSET! I was about to say GOOD-BYE, probably FOREVER, to the man that I LOVED more than ANY PERSON I HAD EVER LOVED---  in my entire life! THAT was ALOT for me to TRY to DEAL with. 

It was in NO way a romantic, or sexy, goodbye, between the two of us. I was crying. His jaw was set. It seemed to me that he must have already assured his father, and also his friends, that he wasn't moving forward with this relationship with me. It was what it was. That very last night I spent with him, there, in 1981, I felt EXACTLY like the lyrics to the following song, although it would not even be released until a decade later than that. When I first heard it, though, and every time since then, I always think back to how horrible I felt, at that time, knowing that Jim, if he had ever, truly, loved me, at all, had decided to let it--- to let me--- go. I wasn't sure if HE felt, HIMSELF, that I wasn't 'right' for him, or 'good enough' for him, or if he had simply let others decide FOR him, what he should feel, about me. All I WAS SURE ABOUT was that he was precious to me! This was the man that I deeply loved, with all that I was; none of which he apparently wanted, anymore . . . . 

I Can't Make You Love Me

Bonnie Raitt

Bonnie Raitt - I Can't Make You Love Me - YouTube

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
You won't, no you won't
No you won't, I can't make you love me, if you don't
If you don't, no, no, no
No, no cause I can't make you love me

After he left the area, I just tried to focus on my two new jobs. Some of Jim's friends, who were still around there, while talking with me soon after he had gone, just chastised me for what they saw as me making myself sick over it, since I was grieving so deeply. I was crying easily, and was extremely emotional, now. I felt that queasiness one feels, in their stomach, from extreme stress, almost all the time, anymore! My stomach felt hard, and tight, like it was in a permanent knot, now. One of the women scolded me, saying "There is no point BEING BITTER about it! Yes, you LOVE him, but he MADE his CHOICE, and HE'S GONE! You just have to accept that, now." But I just couldn't seem to get a grip on my emotions! Although I knew that I HAD to, and was doing my best, I was still literally just sick about it. I had to quit my morning restaurant job; just smelling the coffee sent me off to the ladies room feeling nauseated. 

At least I still had the dance instructor paid job training. That was the job that Jim had gotten me, using his nonstop charm on the people there; on my behalf, that time. They asked me if I had heard from him, or if I knew how it was going for him, but I hadn't, and I didn't; nor did I believe that I would, now, either. Clearly he had meant it, when he had said good-bye to me. One day, as I answered the wife, of the couple that owned the dance studio, about whether I had heard from Jim, since he left, I just started sobbing. She sat looking at me and said, "Are you PREGNANT? Whenever I acted like YOU are, now, I WAS PREGNANT!" I said, "NO! I'm NOT! At least, I THINK THAT I'M NOT!" and I cried even harder. All I knew was that I was a wreck, I cried all the time, I never felt well anymore, including feeling sick to my stomach almost all the time now. I had chalked all that up to the deep grief, and intense longing, I felt, for Jim; especially since he had assured me, when we had sex that time, on the living room floor, on the couch cushions that he had put down there, for us, that he had pulled out 'in time'. 

Now, this woman, that I worked for, told me that I needed to get checked for pregnancy, so I did, and the test came back 'positive'! I WAS PREGNANT! She must have told her husband, then, because he 'let me go' from my job, there at the dance studio, saying that any clumsy customer, learning how to dance, could easily trip me, causing me and/or the baby inside me to be hurt. I was now about 6 weeks pregnant, with NO job, of the TWO that I'd had there. Because I was queasy all the time, I was also vomiting frequently now, so I could not get, or hold down, ANY job, at this point. I was also ALL ALONE, except for the new human being growing inside of me now. I was going to have to tell Jim that we were having a baby! I didn't think that he would be any happier about it than I was. Still, he had to know. And I really needed some help with this situation! I really needed Jim's help, now.

I called my mother about it, first, sitting in my empty apartment on the floor because I still had no furniture. When I told her, her reaction, after her usual 'guilt trip' speech that I was "bringing shame on the family", was simply to tell me to get an abortion, and then she hung up on me. HER response was really not unexpected, by me [Reference my two Blog posts specifically about my mother].

But NOW, I needed to tell JIM, and I had no idea what HIS reaction to the news would be. I called him, at his next base he had gone to, just a few weeks before this. His initial reaction was disappointing to me, and painful. He just acted annoyed by my call to him, about this, and told me, flat out, that he questioned if the baby was even his. OUCH! Then, he ALSO told me to get an abortion, and HE hung up on me. >sigh!< 

I sat there, on the floor, after those two phone calls I had made, looking down at my stomach, and I said to the little life there inside me, "I don't know what we're going to do, but I believe that you are SUPPOSED TO BE here, and that this happening is God's Will; and I will do whatever it takes to help you be born!" I can't recall now whether I called Jim, again, or he called me back, later, but we talked more, about it, because I told him how I had just lost both of my jobs, and that my extreme Morning Sickness (which actually lasted ALL DAY, for me, for several months of my pregnancy), was making it difficult, if not impossible, to work, now. I also told him that I would NOT abort this baby. 

Since I was rendered unable to hold down a job, due to the effects of this pregnancy on me, I asked him if he would allow me to come there, where he was, so I would at least have his help with the needed medical care to birth this baby, since he had a job. I assured him that I wouldn't ask anything else of him, then, because I should be able to work again, after that, and I would take the baby then, and go my own way. There was not any talk of marriage, between us, at that time. Because of my believing he didn't love me, anymore, if he EVER had, hurting me, and how he had reacted to his baby, growing within me, now, I didn't WANT to marry him.

Even though I loved Jim, his behaviors were really starting to turn me off toward him, now. I think it is fair to say that we were BOTH disenchanted with one another, at this point. I was really starting to question, now, what I had ever seen in him! While he showed MOST people ONLY his CHARMING side which, I knew from my own firsthand experience with that part of him, was indeed completely convincing, captivating, and compelling, as well as good at getting him what he wanted from others, in his relationships, I had seen the FLIP SIDE of that, TOO, though, which was NOT NEARLY AS IMPRESSIVE, regarding who, and what, 'else' he truly was, underneath it all. 

He may have, originally at least, been my 'Prince Charming', when we had first met at Keesler, but who this man was turning out to be, underneath all that, was not someone who was going to EVER be MY HERO, or even my BEST FRIEND! He had already rejected me, leaving me behind in Mississippi, as if I had just been some disposable 'thing' that he had used up, and tossed aside afterward. He also hadn't kept in touch, at all, AGAIN. So, since someone's 'actions speak louder than words', I KNEW that he really wasn't interested in marrying me. Since I was beginning to REALLY QUESTION what I had even EVER REALLY SEEN IN HIM, the 'SPELL' he had seemed to put on me, in the beginning, using his irresistible charm, was dissipating, now. I was seeing past the facade, to see him more for who he truly seemed to be, on the inside, which was a shock to me, at first, and then, a real let down. 

Underneath that 'shiny' veneer, of his, was no one that I would be proud of belonging to, or being with, based on the vast differences between what each of our default value systems seemed to be. He cared about what the WORLD thought of him; and, as an extension of him, OF ME, as well. I cared about what I thought of me, and of him; and my CORE values were Christian ones. He thrived on, and even fed off of, his socializing with lots of people, and being out and about! I cared about having quality, over quantity, in my relationships, and a happy home life. 

Right now, I just had to be practical, though, and hope for the best. I was pregnant, with a child on the way! HIS child. And I needed some HELP from him, to get through this pregnancy, anyway. He agreed that I could come there, to stay with him for now, where his orders had sent him after his Tech School at Keesler had finally ended. I had discovered what base that was, after I arrived back in Biloxi as a civilian, following my Discharge from the Air Force. As it turned out, Jim had also gotten orders to report to Offutt! This was the VERY SAME BASE that I was just Discharged from, only a few months before; and, that I now also had the Letter of Barment from. That wasn't an issue, to me, though, as I was moving back to the Omaha area, now, due to the pregnancy. Since I wasn't going back there intending to marry Jim, I wouldn't have any right or reason to access the base. I had no illusions left, about him loving me enough to want to marry me. I just needed help to get this baby born. HIS baby.

As I arrived back in Omaha, remembering what God had previously spoken prophetically to me as I was praying in Capehart Chapel, while I was still there at Offutt as an enlisted airman [Reference my post on my Air Force career, dated 07/10/2019], I watched to see what would unfold between Jim and I, now. Because I was forbidden, due to the Letter of Barment, to go onto Offutt Air Force Base for any reason, Jim asked a chaplain from the base, whom he had apparently been speaking with regarding our situation, to come meet with the two of us, at his small, furnished, studio apartment in Bellevue, just after I arrived. 

It was rather surreal, for me. This chaplain literally sang some strange-sounding song, OVER ME, while I sat nervously on Jim's couch, as he did so, wondering what that was about! Also, both he and Jim seemed to be trying to convince me that I should marry Jim, now, but THAT WASN'T the agreement Jim had reached with me, when we had very recently spoken on the phone about my coming here, to help the baby be born!?! This was a complete 180, on Jim's part, causing me to wonder now, distrustfully, what exactly had caused this SEEMING SHIFT in his thinking about it. Perhaps this was really just the chaplain's opinion, as a 'man of God', with Jim just going along with it, at least while the chaplain was there with the two of us. 

As strange as it sounds, since I loved Jim with all my heart, I DID NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM, now, under these circumstances. I didn't want to marry him THIS way--- because of a BABY--- because I was convinced that he didn't want ME; and no one wants to be married to someone that doesn't really love or want them. At least, I didn't! I had not expected this 'change of heart' (or WHATEVER THIS WAS!) from Jim, and I wasn't sure AT ALL that it was even a GOOD idea, given the situation. He had just LEFT ME BEHIND, in Biloxi, which had convinced me that he knew what he was doing, and what he wanted, and that it DIDN'T INCLUDE ME!

Now, I was wondering if this change in plans was perhaps only due to his wanting to have the military health coverage, CHAMPUS, to pay for all the expenses involved in the pregnancy and delivery, especially since things CAN go WRONG, at times, with having a baby, which would then cause the total cost involved to escalate higher still. Without that Military Dependent health coverage, all of it would likely have to come directly out of his paycheck. Or, I wondered it he felt something for the baby, who (at THAT time) would now be the ONLY blood relative that Jim had EVER KNOWN, in his life, because he had been adopted as a baby, himself, and was an only child to that couple. (Factually, though, Jim and I were ALSO about to become RELATED BY BLOOD, because of this baby of ours, together, making us actual relatives of one another, then, for the rest of our lives, despite being divorced, not very long after the baby was born. While this man didn't seem destined to be my husband, from God's prophetic Word to me about Omaha, he WAS still about to be RELATED TO ME!)

After the chaplain's input, and knowing that I needed the medical coverage, I agreed to marry Jim, even though I was actually feeling very reluctant about it. He maintained that it wasn't just because of the chaplain, but because he thought it was the better way to go, with this situation. I wondered if he just didn't want his child to be born as a 'bastard', by not having his last name. I wondered if this 'change of heart', in him, was due to concerns he may have had that, being at his first permanent duty station, now, his Chain of Command might have disapproved of his being any less responsible toward his actions, than this, and he didn't want to get into trouble, or lose face, somehow. I even wondered, since the opinions of outsiders had always meant more to him than anything that I thought or felt, if he simply didn't want to be seen as just some jerk, by his having a woman, whom he had impregnated, on his hands which he wasn't going to 'do right by', socially speaking. I wondered ALOT of things. >sigh!< 

I didn't ever know WHAT had motivated him to change his mind. I only knew we had agreed, before I came there, that we would NOT marry, because of this, but that he WOULD just help me to HAVE THE BABY, and then I would try to figure it out on my own, going forward from there. I definitely didn't feel LOVED by him, though. My illusions about that, with him, were all gone by this time, because ACTIONS DO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. 

He wasn't aware of what God had told me, in the base chapel, as far as I recall, now. That had simply seemed like it was 'CRAZY' IMPOSSIBLE, to me, at the time God had spoken in my spirit, so clearly, that very SHOCKING STATEMENT, that 'I would be married in Omaha, Nebraska!' I don't think that I told Jim about it, because I wanted to SEE if this situation, with HIM, was God's Will, for me, or not; so, I didn't want to interfere with the course of events, as they played out. I felt that the ONLY HOPE that this could all turn out to be the right thing, and a blessing, for us, was if it was what God Willed for us. God had told me what CITY I would marry in, but what MAN was NEVER made clear to me; TO THIS DAY. However, God Himself became my Husband (Isaiah 54:5)!

Because Jim chose the courthouse in PAPILLION for our wedding, I wondered, even while we were saying our vows to one another, there, whether that could even count, as fulfilling that Word from God that He had given me while I was still enlisted at Offutt. Since, following my Discharge, I had left Nebraska, for good, it had certainly seemed to me, and returned to North Carolina, before moving to Mississippi, this development was still startling, though, in itself! I HAD NO IDEA, when that had occurred in the chapel, that day, as I sat alone, praying in the sanctuary there, asking God what my future would be, now, that JIM would ALSO get orders for THAT SAME BASE, out of ALL the bases around the WORLD! Or, that I would become PREGNANT, of all things, in spite of my never wanting to, and, as a result of that, actually end up back in the Omaha metro area, MARRYING JIM, due to these things! 

The Bible says that "God's Ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts than our thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9). It also says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are Called according to His Purpose" (Romans 8:28). I NEVER would have believed that ANY of these things, which WERE HAPPENING NOW, with Jim and I, EVER COULD HAVE! Because of knowing him as well as I did, though, I was still afraid to get my hopes up, about either his feelings for me or our future together, even after I reluctantly agreed to go ahead and marry him. 

I'd even been wondering how he had told his parents about marrying me, and the news of the baby on the way, since their opinion mattered much more to him that I ever did. I figured that he must have handled it some way, with them, by the time I arrived, although he had never spoken of his doing that, with me. At the time, I just thought that was likely because their reaction to this news wouldn't have been very good, and he knew that there was nothing I could do to change it, until after the baby was born, and I would take it and go on my way, out of their lives. 

Even having married me, Jim wasn't saying or doing anything that really gave me any reason to think that he loved me or that he wanted our 'marriage of convenience', because of the baby, to turn into a lasting relationship, or a lifelong bond, between us. He did have sex with me after I arrived; but he never avoided that opportunity! Nor did I, with him! However, it wasn't much fun for me anymore, now, as I didn't feel very well, much of the time, my changing hormones made me feel very emotional, and I wasn't feeling 'sexy' anymore, now that my body was hosting this other person, within me, which I had to be careful of. 

This was no longer MY vagina, Jim was inside of; it was now the baby's BIRTH CANAL. My body felt hijacked, and my thoughts shifted from being a girlfriend and lover to being an unwanted wife and mother-to-be. None of these changes were conducive to us having the hot sex that we had always enjoyed together, before all this had happened. It simply wasn't the same, now! BABY makes THREE.

After our simple courthouse wedding, we went to a restaurant, with a themed atmosphere, for dinner, but I was so nauseous that I was unable to eat it, and had to ask the wait staff to put my chicken dinner in a 'To Go' container. Even then, just the smell of it, in the car, caused me to be on the verge of vomiting again, with me trying to hold it in, as we drove back from there to the tiny, one-room, apartment, of Jim's, which was quite a distance from there. 

ADDING to THESE wedding day memories, the car broke down, as well, as we headed home on the highway, and we just sat there, in it, on the side of the road, in the dark of night, wondering what to do. There were no cell phones back then. When an officer on patrol saw us, from the opposite side of the highway, and hand signaled to us 'Did we need help?', Jim used a hand gesture that indicated, 'No, just go on your way', which I couldn't understand him doing, since we were stranded, and I was trying my best not to throw up! I was feeling AWFUL, from this 'Morning Sickness' actually being more of an ALL-DAY-LONG Sickness. The patrol officer came upon us, again, but now on our side of the road, this time. Seeing that we were still sitting there, he stopped to help us. Eventually, we got the needed part to fix the engine, but it was a very unpleasant wedding day, for me, and very likely was for Jim, as well. 

IT CERTAINLY DIDN'T SEEM TO ME to be 'THE PERFECT WILL OF GOD', for MY MARRYING IN OMAHA, as GOD HAD PROPHESIED, to me. THIS didn't seem to be anything that could fulfill THAT, at all! I am describing all this to say that there was NOTHING sweet, loving, romantic, or enjoyable about our wedding day. It was actually a pretty miserable experience, for me, and I think for Jim, as well. This gave me even MORE doubt that OUR marriage was the one that was to fulfill God's Prophetic Word to me. I suppose it COULD be argued that ALL OF THIS was ACTUALLY just AN ATTACK OF SATAN, whom the Bible teaches us "comes only to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10). IT DIDN'T seem to BE BLESSED, though. First this relationship, and now this marriage, between Jim and I. Everything about it either looked or felt WRONG, somehow. Could ANYTHING go RIGHT?

Besides all that, I had never been pregnant before, which caused me to feel alot of stress! I was having to deal with a huge amount of changes in my body, now, most of which were very uncomfortable and unpleasant. It was NOT a HAPPY, FUN time, in my life. Jim and I BOTH seemed caught up in how we were each feeling, about the situation we found ourselves in, for the most part, rather than our being either willing or able to truly be there for one another. He would come home for lunch, from the base, sometimes. I was never really sure WHY. I was always glad to SEE him, because I LOVED HIM, but I was convinced that he didn't WANT me, at all; even to come home to SEE me! 

One day, the phone rang near lunch time, and I thought he might be calling me. He had lived there alone, until I came there, and this call was coming in during the middle of his workday. So, I answered it, but it wasn't Jim calling me. It was his mother, who never met me, although I am sure her husband filled her in on his dislike of me, after being around me during his two visits to Jim back in Biloxi, when he usually wasn't very nice to me. At first, she was simply startled into silence, clearly not expecting to hear MY voice answer Jim's phone. Slowly it dawned on her who this must be, since I spoke with a Southern accent, and this was Nebraska, where Jim was, now. Then, she started screaming at me over the phone, "NO! YOU LEAVE OUR SON ALONE!" 

Startled myself, that she wasn't Jim calling, and horrified by her reaction to me there, I think that I managed to explain why I was there, and couldn't comply with her comment, by saying, "I am pregnant", before I hung up on her, in my fear and panic. So, Jim had apparently NOT told them, about any of this, with me, and it fell on me to do! When he got home, I let him know that she had called, and what had happened. He didn't say a word, but his face showed that he knew this wasn't good. The WHOLE situation. I wasn't feeling positive toward any of this, myself. It was NOT a HAPPY time, for ME, either!

There is good and bad to everything, in life, it seems; light and dark; yin and yang.  Absolute perfection and everlasting bliss are not possible, on this planet. So, that being said, there was a troubling side to Jim's behaviors, once we were married; new things, with that, which I had never seen in him, before; some of which were even frightening to me, at times. Starting at the studio apartment, shortly after we wed, he broke the coffee table, 'acting out', from some of his frustration with the situation! I had NEVER seen him be destructive toward property, before OR after, that incident. He was amiable and mild-mannered, in his personality, most of the time. 

After an argument between us, he left the apartment, for awhile, and when he returned later he looked disheveled. When I asked him about that, he told me that he had gone to sit in a nearby bar, and that a bouncer or someone had forcibly removed him from the premises when he wasn't purchasing anything from that establishment. He described to me his having a very irrational conversation with this person, prior to being ejected, which Jim was NEVER known for doing, with him contentiously challenging the employee's opinion that if he weren't a paying customer, he had to leave. I was very concerned about this; that he had gone somewhere and seemed to pick a fight with a stranger, like that! This wasn't like him AT ALL! This sent a scary signal to me, that Jim was in some kind of emotional free fall, now, from all the stress of the situation we were in, with the 'shotgun wedding' from the baby on the way. I was also having a lot of difficulty dealing with all this, for my own reasons, which I am describing throughout this post, as well as in previous posts that are either about, or touch on, this relationship with him. 

One day, a young woman came to the studio apartment, not long after Jim and I were married, and said she was selling something like insurance, or some such thing. Jim basically just sat and watched me interact with her, not really saying anything. As she began to be there for a lengthy amount of time, and I didn't see any point to our continuing on with this conversation, besides the fact that I was not feeling very well, I finally took matters into my own hands and asked her to leave, AND SHE REFUSED! She kept looking sideways at Jim, and he wasn't saying anything, AND she kept REFUSING to LEAVE, what was NOW also MY home, when I KEPT telling her to DO SO. 

It was SO STRANGE, for an actual 'salesperson' to act that way, especially since she stopped trying to 'sell' anything, after I started, repeatedly, telling her to leave now, YET SHE WOULDN'T LEAVE!?! Because of this, I began to think that she might actually be a woman that somehow knew, or was involved with, Jim, in some way, since he wasn't backing me up on having her GO, at all, and they kept exchanging glances with one another. I felt VERY UNEASY when these strange things started happening; unsure of what they meant OR where I stood with Jim, in this marriage, which we had gone through with due to HIS (and the chaplain's) convictions that it was the RIGHT THING to do. I felt scared now.

Seeing someone as emotionally stable as Jim had originally seemed to me to be, starting to exhibit some new, and disconcerting, behaviors was suddenly sending me signals that I didn't even know how to understand, from him, or process. He rarely communicated with me directly, anymore, about whatever he was feeling. This is one of the reasons that I am an advocate of open honesty, including with myself; painful or not. As I have said, before, our emotions DO AFFECT OUR LIVES in ALOT of ways, including some which we may not even be aware of, ourselves, while that is happening! Emotions that are 'stuffed' down within us, for any reason, for any amount of time, produce a pressure, on us, to be expressed, dealt with, and integrated into the situation(s) at hand. You can be SURE that these feelings WILL MAKE THEMSELVES KNOWN, one way or the other, if they are held inside you, and unexpressed, for any amount of time. Communicating, clearly, who you are, and what you are feeling, is a VERY IMPORTANT thing in relationships with others. Otherwise, we just aren't being true to who we are, we are living a lie to some extent, and our needs cannot be met, as well, if at all. 

It is not fair to others, or reasonable of us, if we expect them to just guess, somehow 'read our mind', or to remain in an ongoing personal relationship, with us, if we aren't communicating clearly with them about who we are and what we need from the relationship between us. Whenever there begins to be a communication breakdown, or just the absence of it, for any reason, it leads to unnecessary stress, lingering resentment, deep distrust, and even 'acting out' behaviors can begin to occur, undermining the health and happiness of this relationship, and those involved in it. It will even destroy it altogether, from the emotional stranglehold this puts on the people involved. Without communication, there really cannot be relationship. I needed Jim to SPEAK OUT; not ACT OUT!