The Pros And Cons Of Taking Advice From Others, Who Won't Bear The Results Of It

We all likely both get and give advice. Some of that--- hopefully!--- may be helpful, to us and to others, but it can also be harmful, including from unintended consequences resulting from that. Some things that come to mind about that, for me, are: doctors told their patients, who trusted them, and the medical soundness of this well-meaning advice, about their health care, to eat a low fat diet. The unintended consequence, resulting from that advice, it seems, is that studies are showing there is an alarming increase in the number of people developing Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia. It turns out that this leaner diet was starving the brain of fat, which is the main, though not the only, nutrient that it needs to function optimally. [For more information on this, reference this link: https://www.drperlmutter.com/eating-fat-fighting-alzheimers ] There are many such things as this strewn along the timeline of people seeking advice for their health and well being, including the ongoing debates about whether wine, coffee, and even unfiltered water, are helpful or harmful to our health. When I was having back trouble from lifting patients while I worked in the nursing field, years ago, the hospital, where I worked, gave me recurrent, and ineffective, physical therapy treatments along with strong pills which had undesirable side effects. They never (would have) suggested chiropractic, since the medical profession deemed that treatment to be both non medical and non curative, at the time. When a friend from church told me how much his chiropractor had helped him, with his back issues, though, and he even offered to take me to them, I was willing to try it to hopefully get some real relief from what had become chronic pain for me, by that point. In ONE chiropractic adjustment, which lasted all of five minutes, after the patient history, and initial x-rays, were taken, MY pain was ALL GONE! [Another, odd-seeming, ongoing, cure, that kept me free of further back pain, was my leaving that field of employment, with all the constant patient lifting, and my (medical) white uniforms (back then), with my stethoscope around my neck, for dancing on stage, in a sequined thong bikini, with a feather boa around my neck, in go go bars! All the body waves (body rolls) I did, as well as the other constant exercise from, and stretching during, my dance routines, helped my back, by strengthening my core, preventing any further back issues, for me! Those results were even with me working in high heels which are known for throwing the spine out of whack.]

A couple of summers ago, I started doing some indoor vegetable gardening, in my apartment, and made use of the so-called Master Gardeners at the County Extension office, calling them for advice with this new endeavor. They mostly seemed to just Google whatever I asked them about, and throughout the course of my calling there for their help, at various times during this experiment of mine, their advice often contradicted one another which became very frustrating and disheartening for me! During one phone call, the 'Master' Gardener, available on that day, would tell me there was NO WAY these veggies could grow inside without being pollinated by the outdoor insects (which I certainly wasn't about to invite in!). Others assured me they could. Some told me to take the plants outside, for sun, each day. Others of them told me that would put the plants into shock, because it wasn't their constant habitat. Some told me that my taking a Q-tip and doing the pollinating between the flowers on my vegetable plants myself would not work (although green peppers DID start to grow, doing this), and on and on. It got to the point, calling there for their 'Master' Gardener advice, that I dreaded asking them anything, anymore. I was buried under so much (contradictory, conflicting) advice---  ALL by 'MASTER' gardeners, supposedly, that I started to not even enjoy doing this project, then, regardless of the outcome. I eventually just lost my initial enthusiasm for it, from all this irreconcilable advice, and dreaded needing any more advice, from anyone, about it, anymore! The challenge had simply become too overwhelming, and the fun almost nonexistent, for me, because of all this advice, from all these people, about what I was doing (or, trying to do), growing vegetables on my windowsill.

I have enjoyed watching the new summer TV show, SONGLAND, about aspiring songwriters bringing their creations to be considered for recording by already well-known entertainers. It fascinates me, since I do creative writing myself, including some lyrics, to watch these various producers each come alongside one of these hopefuls and tweak their tune, in order to have it be the selected song. They give lots of advice, along the way, with this help. The thing is, they also have a  personal stake in the outcome, since they become part of this collaborative team with these songwriters, sharing all of their ideas together, in order to be the winning team that gets chosen for what can turn into instant success, if the recorded song goes to the top of the charts. So these producers, although already being highly successful in the field, aren't simply dishing out advice, to these aspiring songwriters. What they say affects outcomes in their own lives, as well, as they receive even more prestige, at the very least, if the song that they come alongside its writer to work on is picked, for the honor of being recorded, by the guest artist or group on that week's show. Simon Cowell gives the acts advice, on AGT, as well, to help them do even better on that show, but AGT also benefits from these people who become stars while appearing on this talent show. So, again, the recipient of the advice, the act in this competition, isn't the only one living with the consequences of that advice. To me, the safest advice to ever take is from someone who also 'has some skin in the game', so to speak, who will either reap the rewards, or suffer the consequences, of the advice that is being given by them, that, once incorporated into the situation can often affect the outcome in some way or other, good or bad.

The advice we are given by others, that we internalize and act on, can influence us profoundly, and impact us greatly, for better or for worse, in life changing ways. My son, Jay, told me about his being given some advice, during college, about measuring each of his responses to others, almost literally word by word, in order not to give any more input into the conversation than the other person was (thereby always giving them control of the narrative) in an attempt to be liked and accepted by them. He said that was some of the very best advice that he ever received in his life! My thinking is, if he had to alter who he was, to this extreme, to be accepted by others, then he wasn't truly being accepted by others as himself. But, who am I, being merely his own birth mother, to contradict what this trained counselor told him during their session together? I do not agree with their advice to my son, just based on the results. When he was younger, he was effervescently verbal, saying what was on his mind, and in his heart. His openness made me feel more open toward him, and we shared some good conversations, as he was growing up. I liked and admired him for his having a beautifully honest and loving heart, which he was bravely offering everyone, much like how Jesus loves everybody! His great and generous gift could only have made this planet a better place, for his being him. This world can't appreciate such tender treasures, though. The pain of its rejection understandably caused him to become demoralized and discouraged because someone so loving needs and deserves to be loved in return. Again, Jesus felt all these things, when He came to save this world and it rejected Him!

My son was following after the Lord, then, and that is a difficult, and often lonely, journey. The world cannot love what are God's gifts, to it, though. Jesus. Jay. Anyone loving, and living for, the Lord. While growing up, my son was 'out of the box', just being himself, and by no means someone only giving 'measured responses' meant to gain the world's acceptance or approval. Now that he tries to alter who he truly is, at heart, he looks on how he was, before, negatively, saying that he was wrongly 'wearing his heart on his sleeve' back then, and that, based on the results of his doing that (as he perceived those, from the perspective of his not getting what he wanted from people, in relationships), he is an 'improved' version of himself, now. However, he sounded alot happier before he took the advice, to become a 'measured' person, even with all of life's inevitable disappointments dotting the landscape of his youthful yearnings, then, which had to happen, because we live in a broken place that does its best to break us. He was much more open, and enthusiastic about his life, before he stuffed who he truly is at heart into a box, ironically, in order for him to be more accepted for WHO HE IS! He was such an impressive kid growing up, and I found him totally charming; even inspiring! Back then, he was just being who he was which IS the ONE AND ONLY person that each of us is CREATED and CALLED to BE! There's a quote, of e. e. cummings, which says "The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else." Through advice, usually.

He has goals with his songwriting, and he still dreams of a future with that, while he makes the best of what he has found, for expressing himself musically. I hope and pray that his dreams--- the desires of his heart--- do happen, for him. But I wonder, with some real concern, HOW he can write meaningful songs, with lyrics which really resonate with people, when he has stuffed his very communication skills into a 'measured' box, in order to be more accepted by people--- not for WHO HE IS, but for who he now only 'acts like' he is, to please people. He wrote ONE song that I FELT real, raw, emotion in, about what it was like to be a kid put on the drug Ritalin to be better 'controlled' (doped down), but he was then concerned that 'people didn't like it that he had said that', and 'weren't happy about' his gut-wrenchingly TRUE EMOTIONS expressed in those lyrics. There is another quote, that is unattributable to any specific originator: "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter". To me, I have no idea how he will ever be able to break through, in the music industry, with some chart-topping song(s), his dream that he has pursued and worked on his entire life, if he has taken advice to box himself in, shut himself down, and put pleasing other people ahead of being true to himself and being the ONE person that God created and Called him to be! I can't see that being able to happen, like that. How can he make someone feel goosebumps, or cry, or sing along, out of pure joy, from relating to what he is saying, in his songs, when he isn't even allowing himself to be free to BE HIMSELF and just EXPRESS HIMSELF? It is heartbreaking to me, but what do I know?

Well-meaning friends, who couldn't feel what my heart was feeling about it, advised me to stick with a very prestigious corporate job, despite my being totally miserable there, to the point that I became quite despondent, facing that as my future, and even being my present. I believe that is not the way to live our lives. When I was working as a nightclub dancer, pastors advised me to quit doing that, saying to me that I couldn't even be a 'real' Christian if I were working in that profession. God's Grace went with me, into those places, where these pastors would've never gone (so as to avoid their whitewashed 'holier-than-thou' getting tainted by the dirtiness of sin; forgetting, apparently, that Christians ARE ONLY SINNERS, SAVED BY GRACE; INCLUDING themselves!). All I know is that, God as my Witness, I had the Holy Spirit tell me, WHILE I was dancing ON stage, IN my thong bikini, one day, to go talk to a club customer, I had never seen before, which I didn't want to do (for reasons I will go into when I do the post(s) on my working as a dancer in the nightclubs) but I OBEYED HIM, ONLY BECAUSE OF MY LOVE FOR THE LORD, and it turned out that this man had planned to commit suicide, later that night, but I led him to the Cross instead, and God saved his life in every way, that night. I also prayed for, and with, several other dancers, in those clubs, who had been made to feel that they were nothing but 'worthless pieces of shit'. I KNOW because THEY TOLD ME this! Perhaps, even probably, no one else would have been in there to do that, with these hurting people that God loves with all He is, if I hadn't been there. I was glad I was there! Christians don't often go anywhere near such places, but THOSE SOULS, in those clubs, are JUST AS precious to God as ANY sitting, all scrubbed clean, by the blood of Jesus, in the pews of their churches, on Sunday mornings.

I have NEVER been sorry for NOT FOLLOWING the advice of others, whenever that did NOT resonate with my heart! NOT ONE TIME! Someone I barely knew advised me to marry a man, saying that he was the nicest guy they knew! If he was, I wondered to myself, later, then WHY didn't SHE want him? But it was too late. I followed her advice, and found myself married to a real life SON OF SATAN who ABUSED me, body, soul, and spirit in almost every way you can imagine! [Reference my Blog post "Two Memories I Have From My Marriages" from 3/6/19 for some on that FINAL marriage of mine] It took me FIVE YEARS to RECOVER from that trauma after the divorce, and broke me, so completely, when I went through that, that I chose to never marry, again, after that, staying single ever since then, although I was only in my thirties at the time. When God told me, in my spirit as I prayed about it, not to marry that same man, I should have taken HIS advice, not this girl's, because NO ONE has OUR BEST INTERESTS at heart like our loving Father God! If you learn to even see His "No" as being loving and for your good, you will have a much better life! He knows EVERYTHING, and LOVES US COMPLETELY, so His advice is what you should always go with. He wants to protect us not deprive or destroy us.

I believe that we must be true to ourselves, by being who we are created to be. But, more than that, I firmly believe that we can't be true to ourselves if we are not being true to God, and who it is that HE CREATED AND CALLED US TO BE. If we are not going to be OURSELVES, even in all of our pain, and our imperfectness, then WHO is going to BE that unique creation of God, in this world? We are each a thought, an idea, which God, Himself, decided that HE WANTED, on this planet, for His purposes. So, if we don't fulfill that, because we are sidetracked by some well-meaning advice, that can hurt more than it helps, at times, God's unique creation--- us!--- will never really be, because of our Free Will to disobey God. The main advice that I was worse off for NOT taking was GOD'S advice. Whether it's through His Word, or His Spirit, or whatever way that He has conveyed that to me, I suffered needless pain and grief every time I did not do what the Lord advised me to do. People's advice often told me to go do something that I hated, remain in a place where I was miserable, and be something that I was not, to obtain perceived prestige, or profit, or purpose, that had nothing to do with God's Will for me, or who I really am. Who I am Called to be! If I had always followed God's advice, I would have been alot better off, in my life! Having learned that, the hard way, many times, I really try diligently to hear and obey Him, now. Following peoples' advice, about  ANYTHING to do with my life, NEVER brought me fulfillment, or happiness, or joy, when it was contrary to God's Will, or against the truth of who I am. Sometimes people even give us advice that is based on their own agenda, which does not come from a pure motive then. Yet we are the ones that have to live with the consequences of following that advice and, usually, not them. An example of this would be a young man, talking a young woman into having unprotected sex, with him. Bad and self-seeking advice. Now, she is pregnant, with horrible decisions confronting her, or has an STD, or both perhaps. Someone tells you that you should go somewhere, or do something, that just does not feel right, for you, and you let them convince you to do it. I have not seen anything good come from such advice, that goes against my gut feeling, but I followed it, anyway. Advice is not ever a one-size-fits-all thing. Advice that worked great, for one person, might be a disaster for the next person! Being true to you, while always being true to God, is the best way that I have found to live life. There is that often quoted saying "Advice is cheap". So many times, in so many ways, that is so true!

Then there's the uninvited, and unwelcome, advice, especially when it's concerning something very personal or near and dear to your heart which has nothing whatsoever to do with the one giving you that advice. After I had gotten settled, into my new apartment, many years ago, the resident manager stopped by for some reason. After about a minute, and his briefly assessing my belongings, he criticized the way in which I had chosen to arrange my own artwork, on my own walls, saying that I hadn't grouped the themes properly, according to him. I bristled at this because I had collected those pieces through the years, from several art festivals, quite a few of which were original paintings, and now, I had just hung them, in this new home of mine, the way that brought me the greatest pleasure. My assessment of HIM, then, was that he was out of line. Not long, after this, he began calling me up, in the middle of the night, quite drunk, and obnoxious! Even when I REPEATEDLY hung up on him after telling him NOT to call me again, he would just call right back, causing me to leave the phone off the hook, finally, so that I could get back to sleep. (There were only landline phones back then.) Worse, he only had my phone number, in the first place, because it was required on my Lease Application, when I rented the apartment. I had not given it to him for any social connection, between us (which did not exist, anyway), nor would I have, because, to me, he was just a jerk whom I HAD to deal with as my apartment manager. That was one of my most favorite apartments, but he was one of my least favorite people. Because of his job position there, he also had master keys to every one of the tenants' apartments, so I was lucky that all he ended up doing to me was those drunken phone calls at 3 AM. I say this because HE ended up being on the local Breaking News, one evening, after he was arrested from his hiding in the back seat of a woman's car, whom he did not know, and holding her at knife point, trying to sexually assault her! Either drunk or sober, this asshole could have used his master keys, at any time, to enter my apartment, and possibly assault me, or worse! While I didn't know HOW bad of a human being this guy really was, his unprompted advice about my wall paintings, when I first moved in, had been enough for my instincts to tell me that he did not play by, or obey, the standard social rules of engagement, in his dealing so inappropriately with me, even in that seemingly small way. That had been enough, to sour me on interacting with him. My avoiding him after that may have prevented him from choosing me as his next sexual assault victim, since it turned out that this woman, on that news story, was one of several he had done this type of thing to! So not only did I not like, or follow, his advice about how I chose to decorate my home--- which is a very personal, even sacred, expression of oneself, in the most private of places--- it was enough for me to resent and dislike him as a person. If I had even just seemed to approve of, or follow, his advice, I think that it would have encouraged this man to then try to engage me in an even more personal, and dangerous, way, that I could not have foreseen! Let that be a cautionary tale, about trusting your own gut, even, and especially, in the face of someone else's advice, given about your own personal business.

I wrote a poem for a co-worker when I was working as a dancer in one of the nightclubs, that I found among my old writings. Because I felt that it matched the theme, of this Blog post,  I am including it here. Apparently, based on the words, of my poem, Robin, who was the DJ, for this club, was wondering if he should follow someone else's advice, to change himself, some way. I DO need to point out the irony, here, that I was giving him advice, in these words, of my poem, about NOT following the advice, of others, but following his own heart, for his own life, instead!

                                                             The Heart Of A DJ

Written April 16, 1997, for Robin, by Stevie (my dancer alias; used for personal safety reasons)

Don't cut your hair, Robin!
Just cut yourself loose---
Be who you are, inside,
And make no excuse.

Don't "fit the mold" for them---
Their System's not worth it.
They barely will pay you
To shovel their bullshit!

That "Success is a ladder
You climb, 9 to 5,
In a suit, shirt, and tie"
Is a big, stupid lie.

If your heart is a DJ's
Give that all that's inside!
Don't measure your worth
By opinion, or pride.

I love what you do,
And you do it quite well!
Let your heart guide you, Robin,
For it always will tell

You where you are now,
And where you should go,
So be true to yourself,
For your heart always knows.

Never let it be silenced---
The music you play---
'til your own heart will tell you
That it's had its day.

You'll regret other reasons
To put it to rest,
And in anything else
You won't feel your best.

It's good to please others,
But not at your expense;
To sell your own soul
Doesn't make any sense!

'Cause then you have nothing,
And neither will they;
So just be what you feel,
And let your music play!