Nothing Happens In A Vacuum: Why I Dropped Out Of College And Got Married

In previous posts I described some of what I was feeling and going through as I went off to college. In my 4/24/19 post, titled "Why, For Me, My Mother Went From Dearest Mommy To 'Mommie Dearest'", I wrote "I tried hard to avoid being directly involved in the family dysfunction, as much as possible, keeping to myself all I could due to how unhealthy it always felt to me emotionally in that home. As soon as I reached an age to be able to escape it, I did, which was when I went away to college, attending both summer sessions right after my high school graduation. Once I was finally out of that house, I dreaded ever going back into all that misery there, again." In my post titled "More Of My Memories Of My Mother", dated 5/8/19, I wrote: "Of course, the issues I had with my mother weren't just limited to my not being properly protected from the illicit intentions of males, or her so openly playing favorites among her children, with me always being the Black Sheep. For example, before I went away to college, I shared my amazing news, with my mother, that I had received a Calling from God! Because of that, I told her, I was going to pursue some kind of Christian ministry position through my course of study. While she had always seemed quite impressed by pastors of the churches we had attended as a family, and was even very admiring of the female Director of Christian Education in our church, she simply looked at me with a very unhappy, unimpressed look, and said with some disgust in her voice, "Ministers don't make any money!" 

Once she dropped me off at college, my mother never called me, even just to see how I was adjusting to such a new lifestyle, or how I was doing, or what my classes were like. She didn't even approve of my career goal. I felt NO EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, actually, then or for the entire time that I was growing up. All these things were very daunting and confusing, for me, affecting everything in my life, large and small. It seemed that NOTHING I specifically did ever impressed her enough for her to be supportive toward me--- something every child greatly needs from their parents, as they are growing up and going out into this world, trying to find their place in it." Also, this post is fraught with examples of what I meant by what I said in my Blog post dated 4/3/19, titled "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free , , , ", which was that "We suffer from the pervasive consequences of Original Sin, the sins of others, and our own sin, and we must acknowledge all of that, at some point." This background information needs to be combined together, in this post, along with more about my family, but this time including more about my extended family, in order for me to describe the 'perfect storm' that would ultimately sink my college studies and launch me into being a bride at the age of 18.

While I was growing up, there were several family reunions that occurred, on my mother's side, which were attended by a fairly large number of relatives. (I even recall being led into a room to meet my great-grandmother, once, as she lay frail and old in her bed, at one of these gatherings.) These get-togethers were usually hosted at my grandmother's house, and always included an assortment of aunts and uncles with their children in tow. Almost all of us kids would gravitate toward one another and visit together, enjoying eating all the homemade goodies and playing games of tag between the two big trees in the front yard, despite the humidity and heat of the Carolina Summer. One family, though, always seemed to be, and to be treated like, the outcasts from the family tree. I was never completely clear as to why, but it seemed to me to be equally thrust upon and embraced by them. 

The mother, my aunt, was always smiling and very pleasant whenever I saw her, or briefly interacted with her at these family events. Unlike my mother, there didn't seem to be a mean bone in her body. Her boys seemed to be rascally mischief-makers, though, unlike the rest of the cousins who were all more social and civilized in their behavior. Her daughter was very pretty, quiet, and thoroughly antisocial, never having anything at all to do with anyone there, but keeping entirely to herself. I never really got to know this particular family very well, among all my relatives, as I grew up, as they were the only ones that my mother never had us visit, or vice versa. Except for the rest of us children running to the grown-ups, at times, at my grandmother's house, to urgently tell them things such as those boys were in the backyard shooting at things with their BB gun, and such, in order for there to be an adult intervention of what we saw as disturbingly violent acts on their part, none of us really had very much directly to do with them. I recall seeing the oldest of these boys wearing his white, U.S. Navy, sailor uniform, later on, one of the times that the extended family had assembled at grandmother's house as usual, but I never really paid much attention to these 'troublemaker' cousins. 

My mother never encouraged us to interact with any of them, either, which was a marked contrast to how she made sure that we knew all our other cousins very well. Over the years, as we would visit back and forth with all the aunts, and the associated cousins, except for this one (the mother of these rakish boys), I would ask my mother why this was the case. All she would say about it was that THIS aunt, one of her sisters, was a VERY DIRTY person, and that her house was never clean. (I always wondered how she knew that, since we literally NEVER visited there!) The only other thing mom ever said to me about her was that this aunt had gone on a train ride as a young woman, and had met a man there and gotten pregnant out of wedlock with her oldest son, Jim. Apparently she eventually met and married another man, who then became his stepfather, and she had her other children with him. I don't think that Jim's biological father was ever in the picture except for getting her pregnant on that train.

One year, when I was a sophomore in high school, one of the family reunions took place at a great-aunt's home, which was a long drive from the city we lived in. After we had all eaten and visited, my mother wanted to do some shopping while we were around a much larger city, before we headed back home, but was not familiar enough with it to be able to get around there on her own. As evening approached, she asked one of her nephews who lived in this larger city, who happened to be Jim, the oldest of my roguish cousins from this one family which she never seemed to approve of (or want us to get to know, or to be involved with in any real way), if he would lead her to the main shopping district in his car, with her following in hers. He helpfully obliged her, and then she told him that since he was doing her that favor, she didn't want him to be all by himself in his car, just leading us as we followed behind him. So, she offered ME up, to be his companion, alone in his car with him. I felt so strange and uneasy, as we drove along, while I did my best to make polite conversation.

I didn't really know him, or his own family, well at all, except for the bad impressions of them that my mother had taught me, from her own, and my observations of them being unnervingly unruly, as we grew up. He was 9 years older than I was, so I was 15 at the time and he was 24 years old. That was THE ONLY TIME that ANY member of my own family had EVER DIRECTLY VISITED with ANYONE in HIS family, the ENTIRE time I was growing up, except for whatever cursory chats took place very occasionally during the family reunions. Now, I was ALONE with him, in his car, driving through the dark streets of a large and unknown city, so that my mother could go shopping. After we got to the store that she wanted, my mother told Jim goodbye since she no longer needed him, then I rode home with my own family. Because of the mindset my mother had taught me about that family, as I grew up, and the fact that we NEVER even visited them AT ALL but DID with EVERYONE ELSE in our family tree, it was the furthest thing from my mind that I would ever in my lifetime have any other direct interactions with Jim besides that one very uncomfortable car ride which I endured because my mother gave me no choice.

A couple of years later, my high school graduation was taking place right on top of my starting college out of town. I had begun my freshman year in college before the typical starting point of the Fall semester. While most of my motivation was to finally be able to get out of that acutely uncomfortable home environment of my upbringing, some of it was due to that 'ALL IN' enthusiasm that young people have at that age as they go forth toward their goals and aspirations. Because of my recent Calling from God, I realized that I might have more years of study ahead of me than just the 4 years of college, to prepare for that. It must be said, though, that when God Called me, I had responded to Him with "What exactly does that MEAN, You are 'Calling' me?", and I wasn't at all sure what form that would actually take, for me, back then. Women weren't seen in pulpit ministries at that time, and with the various limitations on what women were allowed or enabled to do, I couldn't get any kind of a clear picture or sure direction as to where I was headed with this. I simply signed up for the classes which would or could be helpful toward this course of study, as foundational preparation, even though I was attending a state university and not a religiously-affiliated school. I took classes like New Testament Greek, Philosophy, and Public Speaking. 

Being Summer school, the campus was largely deserted, and very quiet. I went to classes, then back to my dorm room to study, and in between went to the dining hall for meals that turned out to be the same, unimpressive menu day in and day out, which could keep you alive but never satisfy you. It was very basic and fairly unpalatable grub. Besides being on a college student's budget, I couldn't go off campus to eat anything better due to freshmen not being allowed to keep a car on campus, and mine being parked so far away. The old car my dad gave me when I was 16 that I still drove now had to be parked in what was cynically referred to as 'the South Forty', which an online urban dictionary defines as "Way the hell out there; far away." To walk all the way there, including through isolated areas, to get to it, then walk back to campus from there, after parking it, was time-consuming and prohibitive, besides being discouraged simply by the Summer heat and humidity bearing down. The two Summer sessions I attended each covered a whole semester's course curriculum in a few weeks, rather than months, causing me to spend most of my time sitting at the desk in my dorm room, hunched over my books, studying. I had never had backaches before, but now I was almost constantly in real pain, in my neck and shoulders especially, as I sat there, once classes were over each day, reviewing my notes and reading.

The dorm provided a couple of phones at the end of each hall in a closet-like booth, for all the girls living on that floor, where you would go to receive incoming calls that were announced over the speaker system by a girl at the desk downstairs. Times were not like they are today, in many ways, including that there were only landlines then. There was no such thing as cell phones. I had stopped paying much attention to the speaker alerting various girls to their incoming phone calls, as I sat at my desk studying alone in my room, because none of them were ever for me, anyway. I had gotten used to the fact that no one in my family ever called me, and no one else knew I was there; or so I thought. One afternoon I vaguely heard the speaker announcing an incoming call for some girl. They kept announcing it rather persistently, so eventually it broke through my 'study fog' as I was sitting there in my room, and I suddenly realized that IT WAS FOR ME! I had to ask someone where to even go to answer it, because I had never had a call before this one for me to even know what to do! 

As I answered the call, some guy's voice that I didn't recognize kept telling me who he was, but even with that I still had NO IDEA AT ALL, almost finally hanging up on him in annoyance after I kept responding to him several times that "I think they paged the WRONG girl to the phone." I had interrupted my studying, for this 'wrong number' call, which now was also reinforcing my emotional let down that, sure enough, my own family STILL had never called me at all. I literally had the phone halfway down to being hung up, on this guy, finally, when I suddenly realized that this might actually be someone that DID know me! Putting the phone back to my ear, I told him that I had just now begun to even make the connection as to who this was. It was Jim. That cousin, that I really didn't know at all, whom I was forced to ride with in his car, by my mother, that one time years before this. The university that I was attending was in the same large city that he lived in. It would surely be due to my mother that he even knew that I was there. I wasn't sure why she would put me in this position, again, with him. SHE couldn't be bothered to call me even ONCE, or anything else, but she managed to interject this near-stranger-relative into my life, once again, at a time in my life when for so many reasons I was very vulnerable. WHY HIM?!? My mother created problems for me.

He invited me to go to a restaurant for dinner, and the food was way better than the campus chow, plus it was All You Can Eat of one of my favorite Southern meals: fish, fries, coleslaw, hush puppies, and sweet tea. The place was packed and lively, and the food was great! Because it was the Summer session at school, there wasn't a roommate in my dorm room with me, either, so I had essentially been alone for weeks at this point. It felt so good to be off campus for awhile, and to feel like I was 'out among the living' once again! I really perked up, having some of my various needs met, from the long list of those that had been ignored for too long. Jim treated me well, kind of like my Welcome Ambassador to the city, and we began to get to know one another finally. As time went on, I ate more meals off campus, in restaurants that he treated me to, and one weekend, we even ended up going to the beach for a few days, after I had expressed how much I missed having a Summer vacation that year, since my family usually went to the beach every Summer but I was in school now instead. 

He was always nice toward me, and rather protective it seemed, which was something I wasn't used to at all, since I had not had that type of treatment from my family. Eventually he invited me over to swim in the pool at the apartment complex where he lived with a friend of his named Harvey, in a 2 Bedroom unit they split the rent on. The pool was so refreshing and relaxing, and afterward Jim offered to give me a back massage after I mentioned to him how much constant back pain I had now, that seemed to come from my long hours of sitting at my desk studying. I had never had a massage in my life, and as I lay on my stomach on his living room floor, so he could rub the knots and the tension out of my sore back, I was lulled into a deep state of relaxation. It felt so good! When he finished, I rolled over onto my back and just sighed deeply and contentedly. That's when, suddenly, before I knew what was happening, he kissed me. Not like a cousin of mine. Like a guy kisses a girl--- that he really likes. Uh Oh! I realized he had crossed a line that we simply couldn't cross, and he suddenly didn't seem so much like the nice, fun, protective, 'big brotherly' cousin, to me.

I stopped being around him, doing anything with him. Yet I missed him, because I had grown attached to him by this time, and he had made my life feel so much better than it had before he came along. Still, I told him this was not happening, but he kept coming over to the lobby of my dorm, not taking 'NO!' for an answer. I kept telling the girl at the desk, who paged me about him showing up there, again and again and again, that I was not going to come down because I had already told him not to come around me anymore. She told me that he was sitting down there actually crying, refusing to leave the lobby, and that I would have to tell him, again, myself. He would not leave me alone! I didn't know what to do, and I didn't think I had anyone to turn to, about this. It was tainted, and embarrassing, because he was my cousin, and because I had thought of him that way; until this happened. I had long ago learned that my family was not there for me, so they were not an option. The Summer sessions ended, but then the Fall semester began. I had new problems to deal with then.

With all the students now back in school, I suddenly had a roommate, after getting very used to not sharing that small space with another person over the Summer. We were oil and water, from the start. She was really a jerk, this girl. I had gone shopping for things I needed for the semester, including some better food to keep handy in my dorm room, and had parked my car behind the dorm just long enough to go up and down all the stairs to unload this into my room. She was hanging out the window of our room, like a spotter, and she did let me know when Campus Security arrived back there to see my unauthorized freshman vehicle parked there on campus, briefly, but she didn't call down to tell them it would just be there long enough to unload, and she didn't call me over to the window so I could tell them myself. She waited until after they wrote me a ticket, and THEN she let me know they were there at my car, laughing about it as she told me. She insisted on continually playing the very same, distracting, music album over and over and over, which I hated, saying that she absolutely could not study without it on. Always. No compromise at all. I, however, was used to having total peace and quiet, which is how I needed it to be to really focus on what I was reading for my classes. So, I ended up walking clear across campus to the library to study, every single night, leaving her our dorm room as if she were living there without a roommate. >sigh!<  

I felt weary, frustrated, demoralized, and because I had not taken any real break between high school and this point, I felt pretty burned out by then. My studies started to suffer, my grades started to slump, and I felt myself slipping into despair. I didn't feel that anyone cared about me, or what my needs were, in my life. The way that Jim had been there for me started to look very appealing by contrast. As silly as it sounds, someone had also drawn a heart, in part of the concrete sidewalk when it was newly poured, with "Jim + Deb" written in the middle of it, which was right along my path as I walked between the dorm and my classes every day. There was no getting around it, and my seeing it became a constant reminder to me of how much better some things in my life had felt when Jim was around and I had someone there for me. I was sad and stressed out. His persistence, in trying to convince me not to shut him out of my life, on top of my not having any other real support system than him, eventually drove me back into being with him again. 

I still didn't want to be involved with him, or any guy, romantically at that point, though. I already had a lot in my life to deal with. And, he was my cousin. And, I was studying for the ministry. And, I was a virgin. I didn't really have any idea how to cope with all the things going on in my life, both my ongoing family problems and all the new experiences I was having now that I was away at school for the first time. I had one college friend confess she was gay, and come onto me in a very aggressive way, which was an entirely new thing for me to deal with, and shook me up, while another coed blithely told me that she had just gone to get an abortion, from her boyfriend getting her pregnant, which was a harsh reality, to me. She was upbeat, telling me about it just before she drove off in her green convertible with the top down, smiling as if the world was her oyster. This was the first time in my life that I had ever been exposed to either controversy, for me to try to deal directly with them. 

Because things weren't talked about or discussed, in my family, I remained an innocent in many ways. I still would often wonder what the pictures or words that I saw scrawled in bathroom stalls even meant! I had also been trained by my parents to feel that my own thoughts and emotions about things were not valid, were always to be subjugated to those of others in a deferential manner, and were not to be expressed by me openly, all causing me to feel that I had no right to be assertive at all, even and especially on my own behalf, such as with my selfish and inconsiderate roommate in the dorm. I. was. losing. it. now. I had nowhere to turn, and nobody to discuss these things with. Except for Jim, who was also one of my problems; and soon he would become an even bigger problem for me. One of the biggest of my life.

Jim had been a Machinist's Mate in the Navy, sailing around the world on the aircraft carrier USS Coral Sea, going to exotic ports of call during the ship's cruises. I had gone from my parent's house into the girl's dorm at college, and never been too many places more than the beach for summer vacations with my family. Jim also had 9 more years (nearly a full decade) of life experience over me. When I went off to college, I was still a teenager. I had ended up allowing Jim to be back in my life, especially since he made it so clear that he really wanted to be, and really cared about me, when it seemed that nobody else did.

With my dorm room being so unpleasant for me, now, because of my obnoxious roommate, I avoided it all I could, and began staying over at Jim's apartment more often than not. However, I was still a virgin, and we were not 'going there'. I thought he didn't want to cross a sexual line with me, again, like he had when he kissed me that time, and risk never being allowed back around me, again, after that. He wanted to be in my life, in whatever way that I would let him be.

Sometimes Harvey had a girl staying over with him at their apartment, from what seemed to be an assortment of them that he knew. He and Jim were such a contrast! Harvey was every inch the hard-partying playboy, while Jim lived a quiet, conservative lifestyle. I even asked Jim once if he was still a virgin, and he told me he wasn't, but only because he went so late in life, compared to his guy friends, without knowing a woman sexually, largely due to his shyness, that his buddies took it upon themselves to send him a woman, one night, to 'teach him the ropes'. I can't recall whether they paid her to have sex with him or just got her to do it with him for some reason, but he said that was his only sexual experience so far. Some nights Harvey didn't come home at all, apparently staying with one of his ladies. He had a full bar set up in their apartment, though, and copies of Playboy and Hustler sitting around for his . . . reading material. Jim wasn't really a drinker or a partier. I had virtually no experience with alcohol, and had never partied except birthday and church versions, growing up. The mother of one of my friend's in high school once gave me a small paper cup with a couple of sips of Cold Duck in it, to celebrate my friend's horseback riding event which I had been invited to watch.

One of the times that Harvey stayed out all night somewhere else, Jim started showing me all the variety of liquors that Harvey had in his bar. He was explaining about them all having different flavors and things, which I knew nothing at all about, and he began to give me tastes of them as I became curious about what he was telling me. There were quite a few of them.  After that, I could only vaguely remember lying naked in the tub shivering from cold water splashing down on me from the shower head, at some point that night, and I thought I recalled both leaning over the toilet and lying on the cold bathroom floor. That was about it.

When I woke up the next morning, feeling sick, I was laying next to Jim in his water bed, and all I had on then was my panties. I went to the bathroom, feeling really nauseous and queasy, and noticed that there was red blood stains inside the crotch of my panties, but it wasn't my period! I went back into Jim's room, and asked him about it. He told me that he had gotten me drunk the night before and had taken my clothes off me, putting me in his bed. He said that he then started to penetrate me, while I was passed out, but he stopped himself, he said, and didn't go all the way in. He told me that he likely tore the hymen before he stopped, though, since there was blood, which is the membrane covering the opening of the vagina--- the main thing proving a female's virginity.

I was hungover. I was devastated. I was ruined, to my way of thinking, because these were still times in America when things were MUCH more black and white! For example, almost no one was divorced, back then, and if they were, they were whispered about, but NO ONE EVER said the word "divorced" out LOUD. Back then, a girl had every right to expect love and marriage, and a future in that way, as long as she was a 'good girl'; a virgin. If she wasn't a virgin, her value was greatly diminished, and her chances of ever having wholesome happiness in a marital union was almost nil. She wouldn't be able to hide the fact that her hymen wasn't intact, to be broken on her wedding night by the groom, either. So, she would have to tell him up front, beforehand, to be fair, knowing that it would raise questions with him about what kind of a girl she was, and would put her at risk of being rejected by him altogether. Because my cousin had done this to me, whom I did not love in that way, I was left feeling that NO man would ever want me, NOW. I was damaged goods. Always. Jim was the ONLY man that would EVER know that I WAS in fact undisputedly a virgin, when HE first had me; or took me. No other man would be able to know that, now.

By this time it was late in the Fall semester. My grades had been decent in both Summer sessions, but now they were seriously dropping. I felt like my life was in free fall. I called home and told mom that I needed to come there NOW, to talk to her about something VERY IMPORTANT, which couldn't wait until Christmas break! Then, I drove hours to get there, and could barely get through dinner before seeking her out to try to have this very difficult conversation. She had gone into the den and was reading the newspaper, as I found her there and said again to her, "Mom, I NEED to TALK to you!" She held her paper up higher, then, fully opened, between us, totally blocking out any sight of me. I pleaded, "Mom! PLEASE TALK TO ME! I NEED to tell you something IMPORTANT!" She simply replied, from behind her paper, "I am reading the paper now." I reminded her that I had called ahead to tell her I would be driving home tonight because I had something urgent to discuss with her, but she just kept holding her newspaper high, shutting me out.

My frustration, rejection, and sadness finally exploded in me, then, and I slapped the paper right out of her hands with a sharp, sweeping gesture of my arm, saying to her, "I'm just going to go back to Greensboro tonight, then; but YOU WILL REGRET that you NEVER LISTENED TO ME, some day." I drove back, on the dark highway, tears running down my face. I just wasn't important to my mom. [A good reference resource link for this is here:  counselingoneanother.com/2011/07/21/25-ways-to-provoke-your-child-to-anger/  which you can copy and paste into your browser. The article is titled "25 Ways To Provoke Our Children To Anger", where Dr. Paul Tautges, a pastor, author, speaker, and blogger himself, cites this list as being from one of his Top 10 Recommended Counseling Resources and parenting book The Heart Of Anger, by biblical counselor, author, and speaker Lou Priolo. As a child, I experienced 20 of the 25 things on this list, from my parents, provoking me to anger.]

The next day, I told Jim that I needed to talk to him, and asked him to meet me at my dorm. When he arrived, I said to him, "You have always shown me that you care about me. I won't be able to have any other man have what you had with me, since I am no longer a virgin now. If you want to marry me, then, I will do that." He did want to, but as we began to talk to a minister, at a church in town, about marrying us, and prepared to get our Marriage License, we realized that in some states it was not even legal for us to marry at all, because of the close tie between us in our bloodline, as relatives of one another. It was LEGALLY considered to be INCEST, between us, in many states. We did end up discovering that there in North Carolina, we were JUST BARELY able to wed one another, because of us only being HALF first cousins, rather than FULL first cousins. It was this way because my/our grandmother had been married 3 times. Her first husband fathered Jim's mother, and her second husband fathered my mother, making our mother's half-sisters.

It was just Jim and I and the minister, at our simple wedding. Then, I left college, two weeks before the end of the semester, just before Christmas break, having to go to each one of my professors as a part of that process to explain that I was dropping out, and get their signature on a Withdrawal form. By the time I got the last signature from my last professor, after they all had something to say about it to me, I met up with Jim to tell him that it was done, and broke down and cried.

Then we left North Carolina, driving across the country to Fresno, California, where Jim's best friend from the Navy lived, whom he had called before we went out there. We drove as far as we could go from all that we were leaving behind us. We heard, from Jim's mom (my aunt), when he called her, en route, that my dad had come looking for us, to try to stop us, but it was too late; in more ways than one. I felt I had NOTHING to go back TO, as far as those people were concerned. They couldn't be bothered with me before now! I thought at the time, rather cynically, as I heard about it, that my dad had NEVER LEFT HIS TV shows for ANYTHING to do with ME before, going all the way back to when I was born, since he had bought the family's first TV while mom was in the hospital from having me. It had always clearly been placed above me, in my father's affections.

He would snap at me, if I were talking in the room when the TV was on (it was ALWAYS on!), as if my very existence was doing nothing but interrupting and interfering with what he truly wanted to spend his time on and be involved with--- his TV. He had never really gone out of his way to talk with me, or to get to know me, or affirm me, as I was growing up under his roof, causing it to feel really bizarre to me the FIRST AND ONLY TIME he had EVER come to my room, as I packed to leave that house for college, to actually say something to me, before mom drove me there and dropped me off. I don't even recall what he said to me then, because it wasn't anything particularly memorable, word wise, and by then it was really just 'crumbs' from him, anyway, to me. Too little, too late. I just remember looking at him standing in my room, strangely, and wondering who this man even was. I knew he was my father, but we had never really gotten to know one another, because he normally just didn't want to even be bothered with or about me.

During our drive across the country, Jim and I stopped to see some tourist attractions, and generally enjoyed the trip. One night, when we had stopped to sleep at a motel, I was lying in bed while Jim was taking his turn in the shower. I had my eyes shut, praying, and when I opened them, I saw above where I lay, but also kind of coming through the wall behind the bed itself, bending over toward me, a very tall angel in a blue velvet robe! He appeared to be at least 9 feet tall. It REALLY SCARED ME, causing me to quickly pull the covers over my head, saying "Lord! PLEASE don't SCARE me like that!" I have been able to see my Guardian Angel at other times in my life as well, and even interact with him sometimes. Eventually, after learning his name, I nicknamed him "Heebie", as in 'Heebie-Jeebies', because it reflected his actual name, Hebrium (not sure of that spelling), but also because he had scared me so, when he had materialized above me like he did that night in the motel. After I recovered from the fright, because it was unexpected, I realized that God was making sure that I knew I had my Guardian Angel diligently on duty with me, keeping me in his care, on my Father God's behalf. That angel and I have gone through a lot together, over the course of my lifetime!

The trip across the country was long and tiring, for Jim and I. Once we finally got to Fresno, and got an apartment and unpacked, we began our marriage together there. We put up a Christmas tree in our living room, and I cooked us a Holiday dinner. Now being settled in to a place of our own, alone at last, and no longer on the road driving long hours, we were finally having our first intimate night since we had gotten married and eloped. As Jim penetrated me, it hurt so badly that I thought I might pass out for a moment, literally seeing stars, from the vaginal blows I was feeling from his thrusts, but not in a good way. Suddenly, I felt something give way, and momentarily he was finished. I realized, all at once, that I had married a man, my cousin, that I didn't love, because I had felt that I had no choice. He had taken my virginity from me, it seemed to both of us, back in Greensboro, but apparently my hymen had NOT been FULLY torn by him then, meaning at THAT time I was still a virgin! Only now, he really HAD just taken my virginity. Hurting in my torn vagina, and in my broken heart, I turned my face away from him, to the wall, and wept. We were off to a bad start. It wouldn't get better for us, either.

There is too much to cover in this post, as it is, to also go into the details of what our actual marriage was like, so that will have to be another story for another time here. I felt cheated by him, though, and he grew bitter toward me, because the woman, the 18-year-old teenage girl, that he had so loved and wanted for himself, resented him, and could not love him in return. We remained civil to one another, for the most part, largely because we were, after all, still related to one another as cousins, sharing our complete family tree with one another, as well, which involved some other people that we each loved dearly and that cared about both of us. With OUR marriage, we never had to meet any in-laws, because ALL of our relatives were ALREADY each other's relatives!

Jim and I came to loathe one another, by the time our marriage ended, because neither one of us would ever be able to fulfill the other's needs in that marriage. For me, from the night in Fresno when I realized that I had married a man whom I didn't love that I hadn't actually had to marry, as it turns out, I was left with a marriage that I never would have chosen for myself, otherwise. For Jim, he got what he had wanted from me all along, except that my heart wasn't in it, with him, and would never be, therefore keeping it from ever really being what he had so dreamed about having with me. I was an 18-year-old girl married to a 27-year-old man that I didn't respect and didn't want. Even with all that, he STILL seemed to me to be a BETTER ALTERNATIVE than my family had ever been. He was, for me, the lesser of two evils; sad to say. And, at the time, I didn't feel that I had any better choices, or even any other choices, in my life. I wasn't happy with him, but I still wasn't as miserable, with him, as I had been with my family, either. That's how badly it felt, for me, to be with them.

Miscellany About Me

It is late afternoon on Wednesday, the day of the week that I try to post here on my Blog. This will be the thirteenth week in a row that I have managed that, although I am not certain, as I move forward with this, that I will always be able to keep that pace publishing these posts. There isn't nearly as much of a conflict in my time management when I am sitting here writing these posts during the weeks of Winter or early Spring, when the weather is cold and often dreary and Mother Nature is not yet beckoning me to come outside and dance for joy with her at the signs of new life bursting forth everywhere once again. As we move into late Spring now, and soon Summer, God Willing, there are many other time-and-energy-consuming activities for me to experience and explore, such as arts & crafts festivals, live music performances in the parks, outings to the zoo, and leisurely walks along the Missouri riverfront. I want to make homemade ice cream, once the luscious Summer fruits are ripe and juicy, and I have promised one of my homemade chocolate cakes to the neighbors here, at some point, which have been raved about before by neighbors and staff at other places I have lived who requested seconds, thirds, and even the recipe! (My own favorite cake I love to make and eat is my Orange cake, with fresh-squeezed orange juice in both the batter and the icing. Yum!) 

Time just seems to fly by so fast for me anymore, though, and there are even both spiritual and scientific theories as to why that is. Some say that God is hastening the End Times, based on verses in Matthew 24 and other scriptures. Some scientific theories state that technology in our lives is simply speeding up our perception of time, while others refer to Einstein's theory to explain that time itself is actually speeding up. Having a sense of humor, and holding my life with an open hand (because, after all, it is actually more in God's than in mine), I say that the older we get the faster time seems to fly, which therefore must also explain why senior citizens are more prone to dizzy spells as we age! LOL While my blogging is important to me, I also conscientiously try to maintain a well-balanced lifestyle as much as possible, which simply staying indoors typing away on my posts would not be. This. is. hard. work. No doubt about it. Preparing some of these posts has been seriously draining, for me, due to my having to bring to the forefront of my consciousness some extremely difficult subjects, to which emotions are attached, and then keep them there awhile, as in 'however long it takes' in order for me to be able to describe them here the best that I can. I have had to recuperate from reliving some things that I wrote about here in my Blog. Yet, at the same time, I have felt a release within my spirit once I have finished each post and published it, like a purging for my soul. That factor has encouraged me to continue with my blogging, even when it has felt emotionally overwhelming to me at times.

In the same way that God has given me poems to pen, songs to sing, and sermons and other teachings, many of which I have put in my Christian newsletters, it was also Him Who originally Led me to begin this Blog. I prayed about that when I first sensed it, because there are so many other things that I am trying to accomplish right now in my life which I am already focusing on. Then I waited on His counsel, to be sure about it, as I knew that a Blog would be both time consuming and emotionally taxing, for me, to say the least. God is all wise, so I have learned to fully trust, and even deeply appreciate, His Leading. Since this Blog was first begun, the Lord has always let me know in my spirit, usually at least several days in advance, what each current post is to be about, causing me to then ruminate, remember, and record exactly what I need to share here in order to fulfill that specific assignment. As I begin to type, His Holy Spirit also gives me the ability to deal directly with the subject matter, while strengthening me through the trials and tribulations which I have experienced as I do this, all of which has often been extremely difficult for me. With each post, I have simply followed His Lead, knowing that I could not cover some of these topics at all without the unction He has provided me to do so. 

This post is the only one, so far, that I still didn't know what its topic was to be even as I sat down here at my PC to prepare it, although I did feel that I was supposed to write one. This being very unusual, I wondered some about that, as the days passed, and then today arrived, without me having had any revelation or insight into what I was to share here. I wasn't unnerved by that at all, though, because I live and move and have my being within my relationship with my God. I knew that He knew, even when I didn't, and that 'in due time' He would let me know what I needed to know, even if it came down to 'the last minute', or beyond that! God knows EXACTLY what He is doing. He isn't worried. He isn't unsure. He isn't unprepared. So, in His hands as I am, neither am I! As is described in Matthew 10:19, when one finds oneself in a situation that requires effective communication in the moment, "do not worry about what you are going to say or how you will say it; when the time comes, you will be given what you will say." There are even times, in my doing this Blog, that I have said to the Holy Spirit, "I need You to write this, through me, as I cannot do this on my own ability."

So, earlier today, I took a shower, did three loads of laundry, had a conversation with a robin out on my patio, and waited on God to Lead me. When late afternoon arrived, I sat down here, turned on my PC, and simply asked Him, "Okay, Lord, what is it that You want me to write about today?" His reply, in my spirit, was equally simple. "I want you to write about you." So, I picked up some of my old poems, as they wait for their turn to hopefully be included in my Blog, but felt the Holy Spirit check me in my spirit, saying, 'This is not the day for those'. Then, I opened my Christian Newsletter/Sermon notebook, as I still have not felt Led to include even one of those here on my Blog, as yet, and thought this might finally be the time to do so; but again I felt the Lord saying, 'Not today', for that. So, searching my heart, I then recalled that yesterday I had a thought that I did feel moved to share here, and this time I also had peace about going in that direction with this Blog post, so I shall! Colossians 3:15 says "Let the peace of Christ [the inner calm of one who walks daily with Him] be the controlling factor in your hearts [deciding and settling questions that arise]. To this peace indeed you were Called . . . ." Another translation of that verse is one of my favorite ways of looking at this teaching: "And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts [deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds, in that peaceful state] to which as [member's of Christ's] one body you were also Called [to live]. And be thankful (appreciative), [giving praise to God always]." So, this is on my heart to say today:

As I watched the national newscast yesterday evening, which showed the areas currently having severe storms and tornadoes, I had a thought about this dangerous situation that so many people are currently facing. Regarding our time on Earth, with all its uncertainty and fragility, there is one thought that summarizes it in such a way as to bring it into perspective: For each of us, whatever it is that we are experiencing during our life on Earth is as BAD as it will EVER be, for us, IF we are going to spend Eternity with God! But for the non-believer, the life that they live on this Earth is a GOOD as it will EVER be, for them. My worst days, as a Christian, are still FAR better than the BEST days of someone that is living their life, and facing Eternity, without the Lord as their Savior. 

On today's newscast, it was reported that a woman, sound asleep in her bed overnight, was killed when one of the tornadoes ripped her home apart, ending her life on Earth in the process. As I saw the video of that devastation, my thought was, 'I pray that her soul was right with God'. As a believer, she would now have begun experiencing the rest of and the BEST of her (eternal) life! I have read and studied about many peoples' NDEs, and those who spent some time in Heaven (before returning to their bodies and this earthly life, to tell about it) most often say that, having been there and experienced that fullness of peace, health, vitality, and joy, they did not want to ever leave there or to return to their life on Earth, even if their life here had been a very good and enjoyable one by human standards. Unless one is included in the Rapture of the Church, in the End Times, it is simply a FACT that NO ONE gets out of THIS life ALIVE! We all, each, face Eternity. Life is as fragile as our next breath and heartbeat, needed to keep us here in our physical body. Moment by moment, that is ALL that stands between each one of us and whatever Eternity we have chosen, by our own Free Will, to experience. I have said it before and I will continue to say this: I don't know how ANYONE gets through THIS life, OR faces the NEXT, without the Lord! The ONLY guarantees about life are: we WILL die, and we WILL experience Eternity SOMEWHERE.

It comforts me, especially through my heartache and grief I have had in my Earthly life, and when there are tornadoes striking, to KNOW THAT I KNOW that the WORST of my life is ALL HERE ON EARTH, and that the BEST IS ALL AHEAD OF ME, which I will also experience FOREVER. Even my BEST days here on Earth will someday pale greatly in comparison to my life, as a believer, in Eternity. So, the best thing I can do for now is to take comfort in knowing that I am God's, and that He holds me lovingly in His care, as I focus on following His Lead, and undertaking, and hopefully completing, my course which He has set before me. I am on Earth for His purposes. [Reference 2 Timothy 4 and Romans 8]

For the remainder of this post I will share some of the various sayings that I have placed throughout my apartment, which encourage, inspire, remind, or warn me. These are on my refrigerator, on plaques on my walls, on shelves of my bookcase, and are even taped to the inside of my front door, because they have significance to ME, based on how my life on Earth has unfolded and impacted me and my development as a person. THIS person. For this post my assignment was to talk about me, which therefore should also include descriptions of those things in my life which resonate with and reflect me, revealing who I am, and what I feel, as 'ME'. Each one of these truly represents my values, my personality, and my heart, in some way or other. Their presence in my home demonstrates what is truly important to me about life.

From the front of my fridge:

[a magnet] "Jesus Loves You . . . but I'm His Favorite!" (while not biblically sound doctrine, in that God is no respecter of persons, there are nevertheless days when I have a little fun with myself reading this. Reference Romans 2:11 - 16 and Acts 10:25 - 37)

[a magnet] "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.- Anatole France" (God sent CeeBee, my cockatiel, into my life, and changed it for the better forever! Because of the deep, pure love that we shared together, I need to tell this beautiful story in one of my posts here, when the Lord tells me it is the time to do that. I still, and will, have pictures of CeeBee throughout my apartment, despite his leaving his Earthsuit the Summer of 2011. CeeBee, and my Aunt Gladys, are now the only family photos that I have displayed in my home. Looking at them always fills me with joy, warmth, and love! They also both represent God, and His Love shown me through them, as excellent ambassadors of the Lord. I am deeply blessed to have had them in my life on Earth! Also, when people visit, they inevitably ask questions about photos I have displayed in my apartment, which has led to my not being able to answer those questions, or in a positive way, at times, depending on the photos, so I eliminated that problem recently by putting all other photos away in a closet. I felt no joy viewing those photos, anymore, anyway, so why leave heartache staring me in the face, for no reason, and risk having to respond to inquiries that would only further stir up that sadness? I don't live that way. I like for my home to reflect all that is me and all that is true. My home reflects my love of God, and His for me, and is a safe and nurturing environment for me.)

[a magnet] "Meals in this kitchen seasoned with love." (Even when I order Schwan's home delivery foods, at times, to fill up my freezer and make my meal planning easy, instead of doing my home cooking which I also enjoy, I still add my own spices and flavorings, et cetera, to 'make it my own'.)

[a xeroxed cartoon, showing two dumbfounded Polar Bear parents looking at their cub, all standing in an arctic landscape, with their baby asserting his own feelings and identity which does not match theirs, despite their apparent efforts to influence this little one to conform] (The cub, standing his ground, saying to them) "I don't care what you say--- I'm cold!"

[a small scrap of paper torn from a magazine at some point in my past:] "It is important to act in your own self-interest, not based on negative self-critical thoughts. Taking action in your own self-interest can help combat these thoughts. Make a list of the activities and people who bring you joy. Then, make a list of those that bring negative emotions. Take your own side and spend the majority of your time with people and engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself."

[a small scrap of paper from some publication] "Green tea is a great antioxidant that is 200 times more powerful than vitamin E and 500 times more powerful than vitamin C. Instead of choosing coffee or regular tea, choose green tea."

[a small scrap of paper torn from some article in newsprint] "I think it's very critical that God's people hold to the standard of Scripture--- and that standard is pretty absolute. It doesn't give us alot of room for wiggle"

[a small scrap of paper from some magazine article] "Quindlen encourages her readers to lay down their backpacks full of bricks, forget the expectations of friends, family and society, and follow their hearts."

From the plaques on my walls:

"I saw that. - God" (LOL; so TRUE though. He DOES SEE and KNOW ALL!)

"TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART Prov 3:5"

From various papers I sat on my bookcase:

[An old daily calendar page that so resonated with me that I kept it all these years and placed it on my bookshelf along with my books] "Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money. - Anonymous"

[from a small, plain cardboard Christmas card, made by a young child for their church's food pantry, which was attached to a bag of food and necessities that I got at the Lutheran church pantry several years ago when I was destitute. Inside the card, the little child had drawn only a star, shaped more like a cross with 4 points, in yellow crayon. The back of the card had a printed sticker: "May God Bless you This Holiday Season! Kountze Memorial and St. Michael's Lutheran Food Pantry Volunteers." The front of the card is the reason it so touched me that I saved it and have kept it out in plain view in my apartment all the years since. The small child drew a smiling angel with a halo and wings in black crayon. Then, above that, in yellow crayon, the little one wrote] "Remember Gowd\gesus (or jesus;  : )  it's hard to tell) love you". I even photographed it and made that the screen background for a cell phone because it is probably THE MOST IMPORTANT THING that any person NEEDS to KNOW! And, like the little child said, "Remember"!

[from a small card] "Serenity Prayer God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr"

[from an old daily calendar page] "The Dilemma of Life Do we desire to be with Christ in the resurrection? It seems that most of us are not waiting for this new life but instead are doing everything possible to prolong our mortal lives. Still, as we grow more deeply into the spiritual life--- the life in communion with our risen Lord--- we gradually get in touch with our desire to move through the gate of death into eternal life with Christ. This is no death wish but a desire for the fulfillment of all desires. Paul strongly experienced that desire. He writes, 'Life to me, of course, is Christ, but then death would be a positive gain . . . I am caught in this dilemma: I want to be gone and to be with Christ, and this is by far the stronger desire--- and yet for your sake to stay alive in this body is a more urgent need' (Philippians 1:21-24). This is a dilemma that few of us have, but it lays bare the core of the spiritual struggle."

[I have two separate papers on my bookcase showing the various names of God. From one of them] "THE NAMES OF GOD REVEAL THE NATURE OF GOD . . . Jehovah El Shaddai God our supplier (= the God of More Than Enough!) Jehovah-Nissi God my Banner Elohim God our Creator Jehovah-Tsidkenu God my Righteousness Jehovah-Rapha God my Healer Jehovah-Jireh God my Provider Jehovah-Rohi God my Shepherd Jehovah Our Eternal God Jehovah-Shalom God my Peace Adonai Master, Lord Jehovah-M'kadesh God my Sanctifier Jehovah-Shammah God the Abiding Presence"

From various papers I taped on the inside of my front door:

"If people don't treat you well, they shouldn't be in your life in any way. - #METOO & Men/man on CBS news"

"The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Psalm 28:7"

[a copy of the Ani Lo teaching from my copy of Rabbi Jonathan Cahn's book "The Book Of Mysteries"] (Ani Lo means "I am His." I LOVE that I belong to God! He IS my life, my everything, and my all in all! 1 Corinthians 15:28)

I cannot find one of my favorites now, since my last move into this apartment, that I tore from a magazine many years ago because for me it is VERY TRUE, and explains well why I have chosen to remain single and uninvolved with any man: "Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." I hope to do at least one post sometime, if not more, to cover all the subject matter about my years working as an exotic dancer in nightclubs and what that was like, et cetera. This little saying, that I just quoted here, ALWAYS made me think of those days, especially, because, in the dressing room, the dancers were ALWAYS complaining about men being so STUPID, and, since sitting with the customers (between my dances on stage) was a job requirement (because it sells the drinks that paid my base salary, apart from the tips I was given), it became a funny kind of epidemic to hear ALMOST EVERY GUY describe their problems with women in their life as being because "SHE IS JUST CRAZY!!!" There's alot more to that, with these guys who say this, which is another story for another time here.

Still, I admit, as a woman, that I WAS THE STUPID ONE (partly because of my not knowing ALL that I know NOW) TO HAVE EVER LET ANY MAN INTO MY LIFE AT ALL, in any close or intimate way, when I was younger and had been sold that dangerous (and even almost deadly, for me) stereotype that 'Someday my Prince will come' and bring me a 'Happily Ever After'. Disney has been changing that stereotype somewhat in its newer movies, at least, and making more females the heroine of their own story, which is as it should be!

I honestly thought that the JOY of becoming a Senior Citizen would be that men wouldn't try to get in my life anymore (which really, for them, means my pants, as they keep making clear to me even now). But I have even had to SHUT DOWN my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR, here at this apartment, for coming on to me sexually, several times, despite my stopping that each time he has tried it, during the past month. Ugh. I AM NOT INTERESTED! Men COST me WAY MORE than they EVER gave me, and in so many ways, once they came into my life. If I had only known, I believe that I would have remained a virgin, staying celibate for my entire life!

I had a good friend and mentor, named Vivian Gulleen, when I was in my late twenties. She was a Senior Citizen at that time. We went to the same church, and were connected to one another by the pastor after I went to him for counseling once and he heard some of what I was going through back then. Vivian had been a missionary in a foreign country, until retiring and returning to the States where she had some family. She had lived an interesting, fulfilling life, and had died a virgin. She told me she never found any man that could love her like she saw her parents love one another, so she never married. I didn't have a positive parental example, including of a loving couple, as she did. I think that my situation in my upbringing had alot to do with why I sought 'love' in any form I felt I could find it, even if it was only 'crumbs' or was a really poor substitute for REAL love. I DID LEARN MY LESSON, finally, though, and have turned down EVERY man offering me an ongoing personal 'relationship' with them, ever since my last divorce in my thirties. I won't 'put out', for them, either! I got so used up by men that I have nothing left to offer them. Good thing, too; for ME.

I literally THANK GOD on a REGULAR BASIS that I am SINGLE and DONE with all that bull crap that men brought into my life with them! The Bible says that the Lord will be my Husband, and it is WONDERFUL to belong to, and with, someone that is ALWAYS TRUTHFUL, NEVER HURTS OR HARMS ME IN ANY WAY, CAN'T GIVE ME SOME STD, et cetera. Males have SO NOT BEEN WORTH IT, in MY life! But, for now, enough about ME. I fulfilled this week's post assignment, being myself as I am in truth, for better or worse. I don't attempt to be anything other than exactly who and what I am, because God knows every thing about me, and I live before Him. He knows even better than I do why I became as I am, and why I feel as I do about things. I hope to do a post, at some point, on all the 'straws placed on the camel's back' that led to my developing my very low opinion of men in general. I do have men friends, and enjoy that, unless or until they 'come on to' me, which happens more than it doesn't. Then, seeing what their end game is in our relationship, I shut it down. I am always very open and honest with them that I will ONLY be a FRIEND; NOTHING ELSE! The overall QUALITY of my life IMPROVED GREATLY once I did NOT allow ANY man to get into my PRIVATE life anymore! I just wish I had known to do this when I was younger! I would have CUT ALOT OF LOSSES in my life. Better late than never!

I have one additional item to share here, from a small piece of paper, that I really like and have kept over the years: "The Single Woman: Freedom comes when you realize that not everyone needs to like you! Insecurity asks "Do you like me?" Confidence asks "Do I like you?" The latter of these criteria is how I live my life. However, at times people MISTAKE my showing them a caring concern (which is solely based on my living my Faith before God and NOTHING MORE, because of my own burnout) as my personally being some kind of a 'chump' that they can either disrespect or take advantage of. Only a certain type of person thinks and responds this way, not even realizing what the truth even is about me or the situation between us, or that this reflects badly on them, rather than on me, because God knows all hearts (1 Samuel 16:7). So, they make a BIG MISTAKE! I don't even really LIKE human beings, in general, anymore, after ODing on their BULLCRAP. Genesis 6:5-7 even describes God Himself having similar feelings toward the human race, for the same reason that I feel as I do. Some I do still care for and about; primarily friends, and always based on the fact that I can respect and trust them. Also, they show me respect, and appreciate me for who I am, both seeing and acknowledging my good qualities. In general, though, I'm happier talking to my houseplants than to people!

I continue to feel the emotional 'tire tracks across my back' from those that have been in my life and run me down in some way or other. If God were not the very center, the very heart, of my life, or didn't matter enough to me to make a real difference in my choices, I am sure that my life's outcome would not even be as good as it is now. I HATE injustice, abuse, and lies. Because of those things, especially, I developed a bad temper due to my deep anger at this crap being done toward me throughout my life. People who think they know me, but don't (much to their own surprise), are genuinely shocked to find out this is even in me, because I do manage to genuinely lead with the Lord and His love in my interactions with others most of the time. Paul described this as 'becoming all things to all people' for the cause of Christ (1 Corinthians 9:22). If I personally lose respect for someone, or find that I can't trust them, it becomes death to any future relationship between us. I don't participate in relational interactions if trust and respect, either way between us, are missing. It just isn't healthy for me.
   

Some Thoughts On My Spring Cleaning

It's been a busy week for me. Every week has been, for awhile now, but this one has had added elements specific to what we commonly think of as Spring Cleaning. Weather-wise, we have entered into Spring, this year, with the tentative progression of 'two steps forward; one step back', which left it feeling to me like a definite lack of commitment on Mother Nature's part. That caused me to feel uncommitted to it, as well, remaining longer in my Winter hibernation mode. We did manage to get green grass and beautiful buds, and without them ending up buried beneath more snow! Progress. Progress indicates there is some kind of purpose at work behind the evolving events. Some kind of plan. Once Spring has sprung, as they say, it brings with its arrival a renewed enthusiasm for my better organizing my home. Having the benefit of Spring's hope, emotionally, and its inspiration, mentally, goes a long way toward leading me in that direction. Along with that is my realization that this moment, each moment, is really all that there is. The ground just behind us has already crumbled into only a memory in our mind, while the terra firma of our future, before us, is expected by us but not promised to us, in that it hasn't even appeared as yet for us to step onto, in our pilgrimage; until it's there, and we step (or until we step, and it's there!). I personally don't know how anyone lives on this Earth without Faith, especially for their next step, which is really always into the unknown. It is the most solid thing to cling to in this illusory life. MY faith is in God. He has been the sole Being I have put my faith in Who has proven Himself worthy of that, from me. He does not disappoint! To KNOW Him is to KNOW that . . . . He is also the One Who both designed and delivered Spring to me!

Knowing what to hold on to in my life has been easier, for me, than my knowing what to make room for and allow in, in the first place. Had I done a better job at that, I would have ultimately spared myself these other, more difficult, decisions later on, regarding what to let go of. Every thing in my life requires a certain amount of time and energy, both finite resources, to engage with, and to maintain. Because we are emotional creatures, making the decisions about what to part with in our lives is not always as simple as one might wish they were. Sometimes, circumstances happen which take the decision out of our own hands completely. Sometimes that causes us sorrow. Other times it is simply a relief. Regardless, it is what it is. 'Cleaning house', either literally or figuratively (even spiritually!), opens us up to new possibilities. It can be hard to do, going in, but feels so good, to me, on the other side of it.

Sometimes we acquire, and keep, things in our lives for the wrong reasons. We obtained them simply because, at the time, we could, even though they didn't deeply resonate with our 'heart of hearts'. Other times, we bring something, or someone, into our lives because they gave us every indication, to the point of being virtually a guarantee, that they would be a wonderful addition, and even bring amazing things to our lives, in effect making it better, easier, happier. Our holding onto those, especially long after we have discovered for ourselves firsthand that what they seemed to promise us was never really the case, nor would it ever be, wastes precious time, and pointlessly takes up space in our lives, as we delay the inevitable of getting rid of them! Perhaps they can still find real purpose, and even be a good thing, in someone else's situation; but not our own. It's simply never going to happen, keeping them with us. It's time to let go.

Still other things have never been a good fit for us from the start, but we accepted them and allowed them in to the sacred space that is our lives, while knowing that fact, about them, all along, somewhere inside ourselves. Then we kept them in our lives, longer than we ever should have, for their perceived 'sentimental value'. We do this for reasons that were never really anything more than a reason in themselves, which is obvious once we finally allow ourselves to dig down to get to the heart of the matter. Emotionally untangling ourselves from the 'should' and 'if only' and 'maybe someday' messages that we tell ourselves about these things has to finally be faced up to, to set both, us, and them, free. Neither, was gaining anything positive, simply remaining tied together, with no progress, or purpose. There was no point. Setting ourselves free from one another gives both a chance to find where we truly belong. It may feel sad, in some silly way, but it is also exciting because NOW there is HOPE. To remain, as it was, created a hopeless situation, and no one and nothing should ever (have to) remain in that! Creations always come with the thought, and the hope, of them fulfilling their potential.

I called a charity, this morning, to begin the process of arranging for them to pick up my donations. I admit, I cried, a little, as I described how I had always so well cared for these items, and that they were 'like new'. I still knew this was the right thing to do, though; better for me and for them. These items look unused because they have been! They have moved with me wherever I have gone, for many years, and been washed, dusted, stored, set aside, and sometimes tripped over, by me, while basically being ignored. For various reasons, they haven't met my needs. Because they weren't right for me, they were never fulfilling their purpose which they were created for in the first place--- a real tragedy in itself, in this world, whether it is a human being or a bicycle! If someone or something isn't fulfilling it's purpose, then what is it here for, and what is it doing? It is here being unfulfilled; it is here not being all that it can be! They are not fulfilling their potential, and as a result of that, their worth is being diminished by this current situation, even though their actual value has never decreased. I am not enjoying them being in my life, either, and they were created to be enjoyed, and utilized, and experienced, by someone (else) who can do that with them. I keep thinking of how they look so new, but only because they have never had the chance to be fully engaged in what they were created for. Active interaction with Life brings chips, scratches, and flat tires, among other signs of wear and tear, to those things that are experiencing more of the fullness of this life.

These things feel like old friends to me, in a way, simply by being alongside me, as they have, physically, been, through all the things that I have been through. It is time, though--- well past time, actually--- for me to put them out of my life. They need to be sent away from me, so they can be sent toward something, toward someone, who can, and hopefully will, give them the life that they were created to have! I have found some things that I really needed, and have used, in thrift stores, in past years; especially during those years when I was destitute and money to purchase anything was almost nonexistent in my life. I found some real bargains there! It became one form of Treasure Hunting, for me. Not just because these items were affordable, but because they were exactly what I needed in my life! They were used, and enjoyed, and appreciated, by me, because of that. These things that I am 'getting rid of', after my going through my entire apartment assessing the value of things to me, during my Spring Cleaning, will soon have their first real chance to be fulfilled in their purpose, by someone else who wants, and needs, exactly what they are, and have to offer. I am excited for their future. They will undoubtedly brighten someone's day, when they are discovered there! I pray that they will be "Just the thing that I need!" for the right people, that they should be with, and belong to.

Even if I might tear up, some, as I watch the Donations Pick-Up truck driving away with them.
     

More Of My Memories Of My Mother

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