My Son's Other Mother Was Heaven-Sent

Sometimes God's answers to our prayers aren't at all what we thought---or even hoped--- they would be. When I had gone back to Biloxi, after my discharge from the Air Force, I had hoped that what Jim and I had originally had, together, was what I would find then, and even forever! But that didn't happen. I had never thought that I would become pregnant! But that did happen. I had never thought that ending up marrying the man that I loved, more than I have ever loved any human being on this earth, would be, right from the wedding day, such a miserable time in my life. It really resonated with that saying:  'Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it!' I had hoped that our son would grow up in a loving, two-parent home. That prayer of mine was answered; but those parents, and that home, would not include me. Jim, and Linnea, would be providing this life for my son, and to give my son that better life I would have to let him go. So I did. I wanted what was best for him. Being raised by me, as a struggling single mother, wasn't ever going to give Jay the stability, financial security, or the role modeling from having his male parent, and also seeing the relationship between two loving parents who lived in harmony with one another, that he would have in their home. I wanted a better childhood for him than I'd had.

Linnea came into the picture while I was in the process of divorcing Jim. I was not aware of her relationship with Jim until after I moved back into his townhouse, with our baby, because of my failing to find a safe and secure housing situation for my son, while he was with me. However, I did not return to the marital relationship, with Jim (not that there was much of one, between us, to begin with). The first indication I had that something had changed for him was when he was suddenly acting really unusual when I needed to talk to him about something and had stepped into the bathroom, where he was just finishing his shower, to speak with him about it. He acted like some chaste male virgin, covering himself quickly, as I walked in, which both amused and annoyed me, since I had clearly already seen his penis, including being impregnated by it. His 'joystick' had been a real liability in my relationship with him, if anything! If he had something--- anything at all--- that I had still wanted, I would not have divorced him (or it). He told me that he had met Linnea, after he followed my advice and took an evening job teaching ballroom dance at a studio in Omaha. Those places were extremely popular back then, both during and on the heels of the disco era. I had told him about the job, thinking that it would be good for him, after seeing it in the Want Ads during my own job search. As it turned out, it was good for ALL of us. Jim, Jay, and me. Because of Jim meeting his second wife there, who would become the other mother to my son, we were all greatly blessed! Without the initial input from me, there is a high likelihood that Jim and Linnea would never have met one another. I believe it was God working in the situation, for everyone's good. She was the answer to all of my prayers, about my son. I knew it from the moment I met her. I just knew that she was Heaven-sent to become his mom.

Jim and I did not want the same things, or have the same goals, for our future. Our child was blameless, in this whole situation, and I was determined that Jay was not going to suffer from the consequences of Jim's and my mistakes (and our sins), if I could help it! I wanted our son to have the most solid foundation possible to be raised in. If that couldn't be with me, then so be it. I had tried my very best to care for him, but with no real support from Jim or anyone else during that time, except for the Child Support checks, and few resources, as well as my being unable to find a suitable, and safe, long-term, housing situation, for the two of us, I knew that keeping Jay with me was not going to be the best choice I could make, for him. My baby was growing up fast. Soon he would need much more than the basics I was able to provide for him now, in the situation of my having complete custody of him, due to his tender age. I didn't think that it would be wise to keep him with me longer than I had, knowing that the older he got, the more aware he would be, and the more memories he would have of me. I was already deeply concerned, as it was, with him now being a toddler rather than a newborn or an infant, that he could be emotionally traumatized, when the day finally came that I was no longer with him, in his daily life, when it had basically been just the two of us, up until this point. My son Jay and I.

I had to think of this child now. He needed a happy home life, and a good quality situation that he could thrive in. I would finally have that, for him, too, but, not with us able to be together, as we always had been, anymore, as mother and child. It would not be with his father, Jim, and I, together, with him, either. I would have to end up giving my child away, to Jim, and to his new girlfriend, Linnea, who became Jim's second wife shortly after this, for Jay to have that kind of home life, and I would never get to have that for myself or with him. What mattered most to me though was that my son would be brought up in a stable, loving, two-parent home with his own father, and a step-mother that he would soon see as his 'real' mother, as he should have, since I had only birthed him, and raised him until he was a toddler, while Linnea did all the rest of it, after that, bringing him up well, to be a good, grown, man. What Jim and I had together was a strong, magnetic, apparently primarily sexual, attraction, to one another, usually described as 'opposites attract'. The trouble with that is opposites do not really live well, together, and there was just never enough 'common ground', for us to build any kind of a solid, mutually desirable, foundation for our relationship with one another. Linnea came into the picture while I was living in the townhouse with Jim and our baby, although I had already started the legal divorce, from Jim. I will say, here, and have said, throughout all these years (my son is almost 38 years old, as I write this Blog post), that she is probably the best person I have ever known in my life! I'm so deeply grateful that she was, is, and forever will be such a big part of my son Jay's life! She was a God-given answer to my prayers! Because of Linnea's gracious and loving presence, in our lives, I was able to give my baby boy the very home life I so wanted him to have, by giving him up, to be raised by her and Jim. I loved my little boy with all my heart, and just got tears in my eyes, typing that now. As for how I felt about Jim, I had never stopped loving him, under all the hurt and anger I felt toward, and because of, him. But, I had lost all my belief that God had actually meant for us to end up together, although it had surely seemed that way to me at first.

I had no remaining illusions about Jim ever truly loving me, so, I wasn't letting go of anything I actually had, with him, due to that. I felt, long ago, that his behaviors demonstrated that he did not love me (or, not enough), for us to be able, or even want, to make it, together. He'd moved on; and then lived a happy life with Linnea which I am glad about, for him and for my son, Jay, who was brought up in the midst of their relationship with one another. It is what it is. My life is lived with the Lord as my Husband (Isaiah 54:5) now, so both Jim and I, in our own way, had a happy ending; just not together. Jim was always very good at focusing, laser-like, on his goals. He almost always got what he was after and more so, made his life become what he wanted it to be, with very few exceptions. I have been and done the total opposite of that, in my life. I've pretty much ended up 'stuffing' a lot of heartache from the crap that has come into my life from people. Even when that has made me miserable, I have mostly felt unable to change it, or stop it, or make it better somehow, except for leaving, and ending, the unhappy relationships, when there was not only no improvement, but they got worse, over time. Dr. Phil, Steve Harvey, and others say that people will treat us like we allow them to, or teach them to. To think my wanting to be loved somehow brought me the mistreatment and abuse that I have suffered in my life is a horrifying thought to me and very confusing, because I opened myself up to those people for love to flow between us; not their crap, I was subjected to instead, because of their own selfish intentions, agendas, and needs. It felt like they just pillaged my life and then departed; in Jim's case, taking my heart with him, as a souvenir. I resented them, but I blamed myself, because I had allowed these people into my life, in the first place, thinking they were bringing something good, fun, affirming, helpful, caring, nurturing, or loving to me, since I had thought that was the reason that we were on this planet with one another. My life has been lived largely in a form of Damage Control, with me being more deeply convinced, with every hurt and heartache I have suffered that I am unlovable, because of how people, that I have loved and cared about, have treated me, when I allowed them to be in my life. If it weren't for God's Love for me, I feel sure that I would not have survived all of this crap or be able to function, even as well as I (struggle to) manage to, with the frustrations, and challenges, that I face every day, such as from OCD, and anxiety, which have resulted from my stressful, and scary, relationships with other human beings going back to my very earliest childhood. I have had no choice but to become a strong woman, but I still have a tender, fragile, heart, that seems to cause people to want to victimize me, rather than respect me, for that gentleness, in me. I am proud of myself, for still standing, after all that I have been through; reasonably intact! I am still living, I am still loving, and I am still laughing, in spite of all these traumas to my soul; and I give God all of the glory for that!

After Jim told me about Linnea, I wanted to meet her, so he had her stop by the townhouse to do that. I wondered about alot of things, as I opened the door and saw this woman, smiling so benignly at me. I wondered what exactly Jim had told her, about our relationship together, and what it was or wasn't, to him. I felt that he must have either told her something which was very reassuring or else something that wasn't completely true, for her to seem so unthreatened that I was back, living with him, under any circumstances which he must have described to her. My realization that she probably had been told Jim's real thoughts and feelings about me, and our relationship together, which he had never shared with me, left me feeling uneasy. His refusal to really communicate with me had left me with only speculation about that important information. Linnea had a sweet spirit, and a gentle manner about her. I found her to be genuine, and good-hearted. She had to be a tough, and very secure, lady, as well, underneath all of that, for her to seem so completely at ease meeting and talking with me there in the townhouse, knowing that Jim's child and I were back under his roof, living with him again. She was plainer, and plumper than me, but she had something that I didn't have. She had whatever had caused Jim to fall in love with her, which I had either never really had, or he had changed his mind about, for some reason. If this awkward situation had been reversed, between Linnea and I, I do not think that I would have ever been able to handle our meeting one another so graciously, as she did. In so many ways, she just seemed to be a better person than I am; something which my grown son, Jay, laid out fairly clearly, as well, in one of his emails to me, earlier this year. Appreciating his honesty, and doing my very best to live that way myself, I emailed him back agreeing with him, because I completely understand why he loves her, as much as he does; as he should. I have absolutely no problem with that, at all! Hearing him express his love for his other mother--- the only one that he can remember ever raising him since he was still so young when I transferred his custody to them--- was proof positive (which I really never needed, because she is such a great person) that I did indeed make the right decision, the very best possible decision, for my son, all those years ago, given the circumstances. His praises of her made me feel even more grateful that she has been his mother; one that he has loved so deeply and dearly, and valued.

Linnea was literally a Godsend, for each of us, and for all of us! I had been a very loving, and extremely devoted, mother to my son, but it would take even more than I had to give, to meet all of his needs, and to do it well. This was the best option for my son. It was also excruciating for me to do this. It reminded me at the time of the Bible story (1 Kings 3:16-28) about the two mothers claiming the same baby boy as their own. They went before the King, with this issue, and he quickly ascertained which of these women was actually the boy's true birth mother, by suggesting that the baby be cut in two, with each woman getting half of him. When one of the two women begged the King to just give him to the other one instead who had not carried him in her womb or birthed him, who had actually agreed to the king's proposal to resolve this, the king knew, immediately, which one was his real mother, and gave her baby boy back to her. It was like our situation in that I was exactly like the mother in this Bible story, who was willing to completely let go of her own baby so that he could live, and have his best chance at life, given the situation that she faced. Only I placed my son, myself, into the hands, and the care, of the other mother knowing that it is the mother figure, in almost any home, that does the very great majority of the actual child raising, compared to what is usually the father's hands on input and involvement with the child. From the very beginning Linnea also wanted what was best for Jay, and she loved him, with a true mother's love! We were always of the same mind and heart, on this. Neither I nor Linnea ever wanted anything but the very best life, for Jay. We were both in complete agreement, on that, and on what that looked like, which was for she and Jim to take our son and raise him together in their own two-parent, loving, home, which Jim and I couldn't have, together. Too much had happened between Jim and I for the two of us to ever be able to want to make a life together. Our baby deserved much better, than what a home with Jim and I together was like. I had been so utterly unhappy, in it, that I knew I could not translate that into a happy scenario for my son. Sadly, it was what it was. My life had been deeply damaged, by that relationship with Jim. I didn't want my--- our!--- baby boy's to be the same. Jim didn't treat anyone else, that I ever saw, as poorly as he had treated me. So, I felt sure that, with him and Linnea, he would be the man, with her, that I had first known, and loved, so deeply; just as he was with anyone else, except for me. I think that Jim blamed me, for the negative impact that our relationship, and the results of it, had on his life, without really considering the damage it had done to mine. I would even say that I paid a much higher price for it than it ever cost him.   I didn't see my own son grow up. Linnea was definitely the bright spot, in all of this darkness.

I had tried my best to make sure that Jay's childhood would not be anything like mine was, and his was so much better than mine--- THANK GOD! He was also raised by two parents who had both had better childhoods than mine, which makes a huge difference, in both who we are and how we are, as people, and affects who we are and how we are as parents. Linnea grew up in a home where she was wanted, valued, and deeply loved, by a wonderful couple who adopted her. I had the pleasure and privilege of being invited to visit their home in Carter Lake, Iowa, on a few occasions, during and after my transferring custody of Jay, to Jim and Linnea. They were both truly 'salt of the Earth' people. I would have loved to have them as my parents! They were such good people. After meeting them, I felt very wistful that I had not had the blessing of such loving and supportive parents in my life. Jim had the identical upbringing Linnea had in several important and impactful ways, right down to his also being adopted by loving parents. So, they not only really understood one another, coming from similar backgrounds, they had both grown up very secure about being loved and wanted. That was something that I had never had, in my upbringing, during my formative years, or any time after that, despite being raised by my actual birth parents. As a result, I never had the confidence, or conviction, within me, that I was either loved, or lovable. This made every relationship alot harder, for me, than for either one of them.

The way that things had gone with Jim, and me, had only reinforced these hurtful beliefs, even more, about my not being wanted, or loved. So, seeing how in love Jim and Linnea seemed to be, with one another, I just figured that it hadn't happened for me, because I wasn't lovable, so I didn't deserve it. That message was so deeply driven home, to me, by things going so badly, between me and this man that I loved, more than I ever loved anyone in my life, that whatever my relationship choices were, in my life, from that point on, reflected what I now believed, with all my heart, was the truth about me. I am crying right now, as I am typing that. It's hard to say this, but it is honestly how I have felt, based on how I have been treated by the very ones who were supposed to want me and love me but didn't for whatever reasons. I've gone through life feeling like there's a mark on my forehead designating me as "Damaged Goods". Every time I have let a man into my life, and into my heart, they have behaved in ways that indicated that I wasn't worth treating well, or caring about. However, because of the 'Blessed Assurance'* that "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so . . . .", I have never remained in any bad relationship out of some desperation that this would be the best that I could have with anyone, or that this is what I deserve from anyone. I know at my core that those are lies from the pit of Hell. In fact, when I see, or even sense, that someone is trying to manipulate me, due to them perceiving my vulnerability, due to my painful emotions about risking relationships with others, including with them, and they bargain that I will take their shit, thinking I want them to love me at all costs, they end up very much surprised, that I simply, and quite unsentimentally, end the unhealthy relationship with them, instead, and don't allow them to treat me that way anymore.

This is where my strong faith in God, and in His Love for me, and care of me, really shines the brightest, which is where my strength comes from, and why I have been able to survive all that I have in my life, but still appear to many people as if I have lived a very sweet, sheltered, and simple life. I know, that they think that, because they have told me so! My final husband, Mark, once said to me, as he stood over me while I was down on the floor, cowering, to try to protect myself, after another one of his abusive fits of rage, that 'he could treat me any way that he felt like, because (his perception was that) I so badly did not want another divorce, that I would just put up with it'. What is wrong with these men that treat their women this way? Can you imagine someone you loved saying this is what they think that you deserve, and why? It is so extremely hurtful. After that relationship ended with him, which did not take very long, it is no wonder that I finally gave up, on my marital hopes, altogether, because they kept costing me so much more than the reality, of my having that in my life, ever gave to me. I am so very grateful every single day that God loves me! Without His love, I probably would not have survived, this life, this long.

I would directly, or indirectly, have self-destructed, in some way, at some point, due to all that I have been through because of other people and their behavioral choices which have impacted me, in some devastating ways. We are made to love, and to be loved, and I just wasn't finding that with other people in any healthy way. From parents to husbands these important, intimate, relationships, which most often form the very foundation of our lives, were troubling, and toxic, for me. Studies have shown that, even in animals (which I often think are so much more loving than people), there is 'a failure to thrive' **, or in some cases, to even continue to live, without palpable love being experienced in life. It is critically important to our health and happiness that we find and feel that in some way with someone. My older brother, Mike, committed suicide at age 40, by shooting himself, in the heart---  that very place where he was hurting so deeply---  from not finding love in his life. He had been raised by the same parents that I had, which had likely contributed to this deficiency of affirmation and affection, for him, to begin with, just as it had done, so destructively, with me. Very poignantly, he was on the phone with the most recent 'love interest' in his life, who was also rejecting his need to connect meaningfully with her. As a 40 year old virgin male, it was the last straw, for him. He simply could not take it, anymore, and was unable to go on, feeling that his life was not worth living, without love, despite all his other very impressive accomplishments. Love is what makes all the difference, in our lives. It is what the human heart is most hungry for. After pouring out his longing, which wasn't reciprocated by her, just as he had experienced throughout his life with all the females he had tried, and failed, to form a bond with, he quite literally died of a broken heart; killing himself. My relationship with God, and experience of His great love for me, has been very insulating, for me, as I have dealt with the disappointments and destruction, in my life, caused by people who claimed to love me but gave me so much grief, and harm, in place of that. I was left having to deal with dilemmas, like this, with nothing left to show for my settling for too little, from them, only to get even less.

In fact, I sat Jim down, after I had met Linnea, and gotten to know her more, and emphatically recommended, even requested, that he marry her! I told him that if he married her (because I really liked her, and thought she would make a wonderful mother for Jay) I would give custody of our baby boy to the two of them so that Jay could finally have the stable, loving, two-parent home that I so deeply wanted for him. I recall also telling Jim that I would not transfer custody, otherwise, because I feared that without Linnea, who was loving and stable, Jim would simply continue having a steady string of short-term women coming through his life, and I didn't want my son to live in a state of constant confusion about which, if any, of them was his mother, or develop an attachment disorder from his repeatedly forming bonds with some of those women who may not be permanent fixtures in Jim's, and therefore his, life. Not very long after Jim and I had that conversation, Linnea came by the townhouse, and showed me the engagement ring that Jim had gotten her. I gave her a big hug! I was happy for her. I was proud of Jim, for being willing to settle down, after his so recently not wanting to do that, at all, with me, and our baby. But, I was especially happy for my son, Jay. This would give him that stable, two-parent, loving home, and a much better future, than remaining with me, as a struggling single mom, who had given him her best but that just wasn't going to be enough to meet his all needs. God is good!

With Jim and Linnea now engaged to marry one another, and preparing to take full custody, of Jay, I began the very focused and deliberate process of helping Jay adjust to the transition, so that he would not be traumatized by this very different lifestyle which was about to happen, for him, after what he had been familiar with while he had been with me. While Jim's and Linnea's relationship was deepening and progressing now, I began to expose Jay to the two of them as much as possible, and especially Linnea, who was this completely new face, in my little boy's life. She and I would take Jay on walks, with just the two of us, at first taking turns pushing his stroller, with me eventually having her do that herself, as I walked along with them. After all, it was a transition for her, as well as for Jay, since she did not have any children, of her own, at the time, and was a successful career woman, before setting that aside, to focus more on her new family, after she and Jim married. I am a person that believes in Signs, and I took notice, after being quite surprised by this, at first, that when Linnea and I would encounter strangers, during our walks with Jay, they almost always said how much he looked like his mother, then, but indicated they thought it was her, and not me! While I loved my baby boy, with a mother's heart, and my love for Jim was the deepest, I have ever felt for someone, my love for Linnea was the purest form. In all these years that I have known her, there has been almost nothing I could have found fault with her for. That is saying a great deal, because no one is perfect, not even her. The Bible says that ". . . all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). She is, without a doubt, one of the most perfect-seeming people that I have ever known which is very high praise from me because my standards are high for human behavior, which I have even fallen quite short of, myself, at times. There are very few people, that I have known in my life, that personify God's Grace, for me, in this fallen world, and Linnea is one of those!

While the baby and I continued to live with Jim in the townhouse, which had been Jim's and my home, when we were married, and Jay's first home, after he was born, we had Linnea move in with us, also, toward the goal, we were all working toward, together, of continuing to familiarize Jay with what this new home life was going to look, and feel, like, for him, living with the two of them now. I would soon be out of the picture, of that. So, Linnea was now in the bedroom, that had been mine, with Jim, not very long before all this, and with only the bathroom between the two rooms, I slept across the hall, with the baby, in his nursery. Love gives, and there was alot of love, and giving, going on, in this situation, between us all, with the baby as our main focus, during this time of significant transition in all of our lives. While I would never portray myself as being a martyr, during all this, I do think it is fair to point out that I was the only one, of the four of us, not personally gaining anything for myself, from the situation, or from these relationships that were now being formed, and solidified, although I was having all of my prayers for my son answered, which was more than I could have hoped for not long before this. It was enough for me to be extremely grateful to God, and to Jim and Linnea. Since the baby was still too young to be able to verbalize any of what he was thinking, feeling, or needing, I was trying my best to help him with the transition, including by showing Linnea how I had been caring for him, in the context of his normal routine, such as bathing him and his other everyday needs. I felt that the more similar those routine experiences were for him, the less 'shock to his system' it would be. In the midst of my doing all this, though, with every step I took to help Linnea and Jay bond, I was simultaneously having to let go of my baby, that much more. It was hard. That is such an understatement, but there aren't words to really describe the depth of what I was feeling about that process, during all of this. I even recall a picture, that Linnea took, of me, standing beside Jay as he sat in his high chair, the day before I would finally be moving out, into an apartment of my own, at the end of all this, with me smiling. What is much harder to see, in that photo, is what I so clearly remember about that moment, which is that, because my heart was breaking over this goodbye, with my son, my eyes were filled to the brim with tears that I fought to hold back, and tried to cover with my big smile as best I could. I stood there in that moment, at age 26, with my brunette pigtails, hiding my heartbreak, while Linnea took that photo of Jay and I. Even then, I was thinking only about my son; that, if he ever saw that picture, I wanted him to see that I was happy for him, and for them, as a family. And I truly was. I was just terribly sad for me. But, as I reminded myself, through the whole process, this wasn't about me, but Jay.

One day, as I was showing Linnea the way that I had always bathed the baby, in the tub, I must have surely seemed, to her, to be micromanaging this method, because suddenly this normally very gracious woman got a little assertive toward me doing that with her, so I just left the room. I was not upset with her, though, as I sat outside the bathroom, then, while she finished up the baby's bath, as she saw fit to do. I was upset with me, for my not giving her more credit for her also loving Jay and having only his best interests at heart, as I struggled emotionally with each step of this, to hand over more and more of my mothering my baby to her, since he would soon be hers, to mother. I was doing the best I could, with all this. It wasn't lost on me, that day, as I sat there, just outside the bathroom, at the top of the stairs, that this was the exact spot, when I had been pregnant with Jay, that I had dropped down onto the floor, on all fours, with my baby belly hanging down, sobbing hysterically as I had said to Jim, that day, "WHY can't you LOVE ME?!? . . . WHY? WHY? . . . WHY?!?"  (Reference my August 7, 2019, Blog post, for this part of the story, in detail.) Again, now, in this moment, with Linnea and Jay bonding, as mother and child, I felt so alone, in my heartbreak. I felt loveless, and alone. Would anyone ever love me?

Jim offered, and paid for, a six-week Nursing Assistant certification course, for me, at the local community college, so that I would have a better, and a more secure, employment opportunity, going forward into my new life without Jay with me. Ada, the woman who lived next door to the house where I had worked, caring for the handicapped children, after starting the divorce from Jim, babysat Jay for me, while I was in school fulltime for those 6 weeks, which gave me great peace of mind.  As with Linnea, Ada was also a very special, and loving, woman, and I was so glad, and grateful, that they were both a part of my son's life! Meanwhile, I kept helping Jay, to bond more with Linnea, and less with me, for his own sake, but I also did not want him to ever feel that any of this was because I was in some way rejecting him. So, to demonstrate, to him, while also telling him (even though I was unsure how much of it he could comprehend, at such a young age), that 'He was very blessed, because HE had TWO mothers, that LOVED HIM', I began to be sure that Linnea was front and center, in his life. I had her go along with me, to his pediatrician, for his well baby checkup, knowing that it was also important that Doctor Maragos was aware of what was going on with this, and who Linnea was, in my baby's life, now. As you can imagine, this was an unusual situation, to be sure, which this older doctor had likely never encountered in all his years of medical practice, so it didn't surprise me that he was freaked out by it. Taking me out of the exam room to talk with me while Linnea stayed in there with Jay, this emotive Greek gentleman actually pulled me onto his lap, as a father might do, with a daughter that he was really concerned about, and he questioned me about this entire situation going on. After I explained it all to him, comprehension now came over his face where concern had once been, but, he still felt he had to ask me, one final time, because he knew how very diligent of a mother I was to my son, Jay, and how deeply I loved my baby boy, "ARE YOU SURE, that you want to do this?" When I nodded yes, looking him in the eyes, while there was tears, in both of ours, he sighed, with resignation, and acceptance, and then we went back into the exam room to finish Jay's check up. I was also aware of how Linnea might have been feeling during it, so I focused on this pediatrician and her also forming at least some connection together since I had no idea whether they would continue to bring the baby to this particular pediatrician, after I was out of the picture as far as his upbringing, but I wanted them all to feel comfortable, if they did.

Tangibly showing Jay all the love surrounding him, from all of us, seemed to connect more with his understanding and acceptance of the situation, than telling him, although I did both of them, trying to make it as pleasant, painless, and peaceful, as possible, for this precious little person. Linnea worked with me, on this. Bringing some fun into it, from his perspective, helped too. We took a ball outside, in the front yard, and lightly rolled, or tossed, it, not very far at all, for Jay to retrieve, and bring back to us, since he was walking, by this time. I would say, "Bring the ball to Mommy, Jay!" and, of course, he would bring the ball to me. I gave him a big, loving, hug, then said, "Mommy LOVES you, Jay!". Then I would roll the ball for him to get, again, and say, "Jay, take the ball to your OTHER MOTHER, this time. SHE loves you TOO!" Naturally, this being a new concept for him initially, he looked at me with a quizzical expression, hesitating as he held the ball, to bring back to 'Mommy', trying to understand what it was I was asking him to do with it. So, I pointed to Linnea, and said, again, in a very enthusiastic, and reassuring, voice, "Take the ball to Linnea, Jay. YOU are blessed to have TWO MOMMIES WHO LOVE YOU! Take the ball to your OTHER MOTHER, this time, Jay." We went back and forth, like this, several times, with Jay, the ball, and a big, loving, hug from whichever mother got the ball brought to them by him after each retrieval. Finally, when I said, "Bring the ball to your Mommy, Jay!", he got it, on his own, without me having to point her out, or explain anything else about it to him. This time, right after I said to him, "Bring the ball to your Mommy, Jay!", without even looking over at me, or seeming confused, or hesitating, at all, he toddled straight over to Linnea, and gave her the ball.  As she gave him a big hug, holding him in that embrace, her eyes met mine, which were brimming with tears. It was both painful and joyful, for me, because I knew at that moment my baby was going to be just fine with his new mother and his father, and without me. And, that it was time, now, for me to focus on moving out and moving on, with my life, so they could focus on being the family, together, that I had wanted my son to have, but couldn't give him, myself.

I moved out of the townhouse, not very long after that, and into an old apartment complex near downtown Omaha, where I could almost afford the cheap rent, on my Nurse's Aide salary from the nursing home in Papillion, where I had gotten my job, after graduating from the certification program. Although there was a high demand, for this new job skill that I now had, it did not pay well; basically minimum wage. My landlady, Myrna, was a late-middle-aged, husky-voiced, real character, with a heart of gold. She was so understanding, about how tight things were, for me, financially, since I also had to cover the car payments and the other expenses, for the compact Chevy which I still needed, to be able to get to work out in Papillion. More than once she let me keep some of my rent money, to catch up later, without charging me a late fee or other penalty, for that, simply because she knew it still left me with exactly $12.00 for groceries, for the entire week! This was in 1983 but, even back then, that wasn't alot of money. I remember that I was living on bologna and cheese sandwiches, with mustard, at that time. Jim and Linnea brought Jay over to visit me, for a few hours, on several occasions. It was going well with the four of us.

I was a little worried, at first, that things would take a turn for the worse, between us, after they called me on their wedding day, and rescinded my invitation to it, and to spend time with Jay. I always believed that they had only met because of me, in the first place, and, I had been very supportive of them, the entire way through, so it hurt, and actually angered me, at the time, to be shut out like that, now, on an occasion that also meant alot to me, too, on behalf of my son. However, as frustrated as I felt, I still did not blame them. They were probably trying to placate their parents, to keep the peace, on their special day. Jim's parents, who did not like me, were there for the wedding, and although Linnea's parents were always very gracious to me, when I visited their home during Jay's custody transition, they also began to seem a bit confused, and perhaps concerned, that I was, and wanted to be, still actively engaged with all of them, after I had moved out from living with Jim, and, by then, Linnea; and Jay. So, sensing that from them, I began to withdraw, much more, from my involvement in it, since it did not seem as if I was as welcome as I had been at first, while I was giving my son up, to them all. On Jim and Linnea's wedding day, since I wasn't allowed to be there, now, or to visit with Jay, I went to visit a monk, I believe he was, on the Columban Fathers property, in Old Towne, Bellevue, whom I had met previously when I was just walking the grounds there one day, seeking solitude for my troubled soul over all that was happening in my life then, that was so painful for me. He was allowed to have me stay and have a meal with him, in an isolated room where the two of us sat, together, away from the others in that monastic life. It felt a little odd, to be the only woman there, but he was more than gracious to me, and very compassionate, about the pain I was in, emotionally.

When Jay was brought to visit me, after I had transferred his custody, we always had a good time, just being together again. I did not have money, to do anything special with him, but he was content, with my company, and I entertained him, by my showing him things, around the apartment, which I thought would be interesting, for him. I had never had a gas stove, before that, and it did not appear that Jay had ever seen one, either, so I still remember holding him securely in my arms, and turning on one of the stove burners, and his reaction to that. As the neon-blue flame suddenly lit up, with a whoosh, in the dark kitchen, and began to flicker from the air currents, Jay's eyes grew huge with surprise and delight, and wriggling excitedly in my arms, he pointed his little finger toward it, and went "Ooooooohhh!" He was just so precious. I smiled, seeing his joy, from something so simple that I had shown him. A new experience! He had such a good time with me there, on that visit, that when Linnea came to the apartment to pick him up Jay pitched one of those falling-to-the-floor-in-a-fit tantrums that I had never seen him do before, except for when he was at my parents', in North Carolina, for awhile, with me, and my dad had manipulated his emotions like he had. As Jay lay there, sobbing, not wanting to leave, I suspected that it had more to do with the blue flame, being there, that he was now so captivated with, than it did with me, but it still broke my heart, to see him have to be pulled away from me, and crying. That was an exception not the norm but I recall going out to where Jim was, waiting for them, in the car, and standing there, helplessly, staring at the back of the car, as they all drove away, and out of my sight. It was not an easy time for me, by any means.

I moved to a slightly better apartment building, a couple of years later, after I landed a job as a Nurse's Aide in the hospital just up the street from there, which paid a little better but not much. I recall Linnea and Jay coming to visit me, there, and Jay's hyper moving about caused Linnea to bump into the sharp corner of a piece of furniture as we three sat close together on the floor in this tiny efficiency apartment. As Linnea admonished Jay, I realized I had gotten good at not micromanaging how he was to be raised, once I had left him in their care. Jay was responding to her the same way that any child does, to their mother, when they are being sharply scolded, in the moment; and I was at peace with it, now, as I witnessed this interaction between the two of them and recognized that this was, indeed, just as it should be . . . between Linnea and Jay. A mother and her child. Because Jim was in the Air Force they eventually left the Omaha area, moving away to other places, both around the country and the world. We did keep in touch, to some extent, during Jay's growing up years, but I stayed out of the situation much more than I involved myself, with it, so they could focus, on their busy family life, including bringing up Jay, and I could concentrate on making the best of mine, as it was, now. Linnea had always been very thoughtful, toward me, over the years, that Jay was growing up, sending me some of his poems and lyrics that he wrote, in his childhood scrawl, and calling me to tell me that he was trying to set one of my poems which I wrote, and sent him, to music, when he was a teenager. She sent me many of Jay's school pictures, and family photos, too. I think that the last photo I got, of Jay, was his high school graduation picture, which I believe was taken of him in 2000.

Although I had transferred Jay's custody to his own father, Jim, and Linnea, his 'other mother', I waited, to see how that would all go, before I made what I felt like was an even more important decision, on my son's behalf. Jim had shown such a wild side, after we were involved with one another, which had blindsided me, because the man, that I had fallen in love with, had seemed so shy, sweet, caring, and committed to our intimate, live-in, relationship, at first. That new part of his personality, that I was seeing, had shocked me, about him, and had not come across as being anything remotely monogamous or even heterosexual. Because of that revealing a much broader behavioral spectrum for him, I was not sure whether this would happen again with him, within their relationship, and derail it into divorce, as well. I was concerned that if the relentless restlessness, and animating appetites, of this seeming social butterfly whom Linnea now loved, caused problems for their marital bond with one another, my son would be caught in the middle of that, again. Things seemed to be going along well, for Jim and Linnea, as a couple, and, for the three of them, as a family, so I broached the subject with Linnea of giving her legal custody of Jay, now, by relinquishing my maternal rights, to her. She seemed to be very surprised that I was saying that to her, which surprised me, considering Jay had known her, as his mother, for awhile now. She explained to me that she had asked Jim about the possibility of my doing that, for them, with Jay, but that Jim had emphatically said to her that I would NEVER consider that, under any circumstances! I found that very curious, because Jim and I had never discussed it, even once, and this talk, that I was having, now, with Linnea, about it, was the very first time I had ever verbalized either my desire or my decision to do this, with anyone, at all. I wondered why Jim would tell her that, or assume that? But since he'd continued to be uncommunicative with me, directly, I had no idea what he was thinking, or why. I explained to Linnea that, since my son was in her care 24/7, I wanted to be certain that if there were ever an emergency, with him, or some problem at school, that she would have full legal authority to act on his behalf, in every situation which could arise. Sometimes Jim went TDY, in his Air Force job, and I wanted her to be able to always take care of anything that could come up, regarding Jay. Besides, she was already Jay's mother, now, in all the ways that mattered, in his day to day life. So, Linnea and I went together, just the two of us, to see a judge and ask that he handle this matter for us.

In this world of so much hostility among people in such a familial situation as ours, he was very favorably impressed with our relationship with one another, and our mutual concern for Jay, so he easily granted this for us. I asked Linnea not to say anything to anyone, not even to Jim, so that I could surprise her parents, and him, with what would, surely, be very good news to all of them. She agreed, and I had a copy of the legal document framed, and then wrapped up like a gift (which it was!), then I went to her parents home to present it to all of them, together. At first, her parents weren't too sure, or too comfortable, about why I, Jim's ex-wife, and Jay's mother, was coming by to see them. They were never ungracious to me, but I could tell they were a bit unsure about what was going on. Still, we all had dinner together there, and then went into the livingroom, where I presented the wrapped document to Jim, which now made his wife, Linnea, legally Jay's mother. I was wondering whether Linnea had managed to keep this very important secret, that only she and I had shared, before this, but I couldn't tell whether she had or not, by Jim's reaction, to it. He was sitting, in a chair, as I had handed it to him, to unwrap, and he just kept looking down at it, in his hands, with a serious espression on his face, and never said one word of any kind, about it, while I was there. So, again with him, I had absolutely NO idea what he was even thinking, or feeling, about this huge decision, that I had made, about our son. As he had opened the gift, from me, and sat staring at it, Linnea's parents kept saying, "Well, . . . what is it? What is going on . . . ?" When they finally saw what it said, they seemed to be very surprised, and overcome, with joy. Linnea's mother even gave me a grateful hug, before I left, so they could all celebrate, as a family, together. So, now, in the eyes of the law, I had no son. From Jay's point of view, he was already Linnea's little boy; only now, it was official. It was just something else I did, for him, to try to be sure that I had done all that I could do, to give him his best life. It is still hard for me to talk about any of this that I did, with him, and for him, though. I am crying, right now, as I am typing this, about it, and, to this day, I have NEVER been able to explain to people what this very difficult experience was like for me, of teaching my son to love another woman as his mother, and then let him go, to belong to her, so he could have his best chance for his best life with her and his father. Since all of this happened as a result of how Jim had behaved, toward me, I was always so relieved, that he did not seem to be treating Linnea badly, in any way, which could have destabilized my son's life, and disrupted his future. It hurt that I couldn't inspire my son's father to love me, so that we could have been a family together. I did not want us to be two parents who were miserable together, causing emotional upheaval for our child, like what my childhood had been like, for me, which was so extremely damaging. It hugely affected how I turned out, as a person. I would never have stayed with Jim, simply to be able to keep Jay with me. I was too unhappy. That would have affected my child, negatively.

I have always loved Linnea, from the moment I met her. I enjoyed our phone talks together and was genuinely excited whenever we got the chance to visit together, face to face, as well, even when Jay was not with her. I last saw Jay when he was around 9 years old, so that was almost 29 years ago, now. (The years fly by, so fast! My baby boy will soon be a middle-aged man! Of course, I am a senior citizen, now, myself.) Over the years, I had some nice phone chats, with Jay, but those were all while he was growing up. Once, on a phone call between us, when Jay was around 7 years old, or so, I started to cry, because I loved him, and missed him, so much. He heard that over the phone, and in such a loving and reassuring way, well beyond his years, he said, in order to comfort me, "Don't be sad, Debby (which I decided he should call me, after Linnea became his "Mom", to avoid emotional conflict within him). Some day we'll be together!" Our two hearts used to be so simpatico, during those early years, even after we were apart for quite a while. I think that the last time the two of us talked on the phone he was in high school, and he described to me what his very first kiss with a girl had been like, summing that up with a very enthusiastic "WOW!". I always loved his openness, and enthusiasm, but those seem to be the very things that, in college, he was advised to seriously tamp down, and that difference in him, when we reconnected earlier this year, for several emails, was disappointing, and sad, to me. I miss how he used to be, but it's his life and his choice. He's a grown man now. I can't remember when I last saw Jim. It was probably right after I moved out of the townhouse, after transferring Jay's custody to him and Linnea, which was 36 years ago. Jim would often be on the phone with Jay and I, as we talked together as Jay was growing up, but he was not really saying much of anything; mostly just listening to our discussions. I always wondered if he was monitoring our calls then, perhaps out of concern about what I might say to Jay, especially as he got older, since I know alot about Jim that I doubt Jay would have ever been told about, or probably Linnea either. Sometimes people have a stake in keeping their truth hidden, so they can behave however they want to during their life but (think that they will) not be accountable for it. But, God knows ALL of it, and, scripture says "For there is nothing hidden that shall not be disclosed, nor anything secret that shall not be known and come out into the open" (Luke 8:17). Linnea was the last one, of these three, that I saw in person, but that was many years ago. She was back in the Omaha area briefly and came by my loft-style apartment in the Old Market that evening, for a quick visit while she took me to dinner. That was sometime around 2001 making it around 18 years since I last saw her. I think that my relinquishment of them all surprised them. I have always wanted the best for them; but I don't want them in my life, now, unless that is best for me; and when they began to change, toward me, that changed, for me.

When she took me out to eat, in an almost empty restaurant which was not really busy at all (because it was late in the evening), that was on the same block as my apartment in the Old Market, Linnea actually snapped at me as I bantered back and forth with the waiter a bit. She chastised me for that which in every way was totally out of line for her to do to me! Right then and there, in front of our waiter. I was stunned! She had never spoken to me in that way, that harshly, not even all those years ago when she got frustrated with me for micromanaging how to bathe Jay as a baby. Although I 'stuffed it', at the time, out of shock, and my love for her, it made me really angry, because, I felt that she was not only showing me great disrespect, but chose to do so with the waiter standing there, seeing her treat me this way. I wasn't her child! Speaking of which, even worse to me, about this drastic change in her toward me, now, I had given this woman the most precious gift that anyone had likely ever given her in her life which was MY SON, and I felt that this at the very least should have inspired, or encouraged, her to treat me with respect and even deference, always, but especially out in public. I went back to speak to the waiter, after that happened with her, and neither of us felt there was anything, at all, going on between the two of us, that should have set her off, like that. She had even been acting very different, when she had first arrived, at my apartment, before we even went to the restaurant. While I was as excited to see her, and as loving toward her, as always, Linnea was aloof, and dour, which wasn't like her! I wondered what was going on with her, to cause such a big, and sudden, change in how she behaved, toward me. She'd always been gracious, before.

When she had arrived at my apartment, I hugged her, and was so happy to see her! She stood there stiffly not hugging me back, as if she were impatiently tolerating my genuine affection for her. She seemed moody, and irritable, and in deciding to go out to the restaurant she had said, very emphatically, "I NEED A DRINK!" This just wasn't like HER at all! It was concerning to me. She didn't apologize, or explain herself, so I had no idea what was going on with her. Because I felt she disrespected me, and that is a real relationship ruiner, for me, that I just don't tolerate, I really pulled away from her, after that, and we grew apart. I did wonder, at the time, though, if she was yet another one who had been tainted to turn toxic toward me, by interactions with my parents. I was aware, from photos my mother sent me, of Jay being sent to visit my parents, in North Carolina, at different times, although Linnea never really talked about his doing that, with me. My parents have a very subtle way of poisoning people's minds and hearts, toward me, to exonerate themselves, and to avoid accountability, and consequences, for what is actually their own bad behavior. It is a whole syndrome, with them. I stayed with an aunt once, and we had a lovely visit, until she called my mother, to let her know how happy she was, that I was with her! Following that phone call, my aunt totally changed toward me, which then caused me to freeze up, with her, as it was obvious that my mother had tainted her, toward me, somehow, to cause this drastic change, in her demeanor, toward me. Although I know that my mother does this, to sabotage my relationships with the people that I care about, to somehow make herself end up looking better to them in the process I don't know how to stop her from doing it or counteract it.

Even when I have been right there, seeing her do it, in the past, since she has done this to me throughout my life, she is so good at it that she gets people to fall right into this manipulation of hers. She is a narcissist. What she is doing is called 'smoke screening'. If she can keep people focused on me, in a negative way, which she does, very subtly, she can, and does, keep those same people from picking up on what she knows, in her heart, is really wrong with her. So, she keeps getting away with pulling this crap, and she gets people 'on her side' by causing them to become upset with me, on her behalf. She punishes me, by alienating these others toward me, that should not even be involved in it, but are so gullible. Because both my parents know that I will not take their crap, and that I reject them because of it, putting and keeping them out of my life, they try, and succeed, to turn people against me, in their favor. My mother, especially, likes to play the victim, but she is actually the vicitimizer, of me. This bad behavior, by them, though, is actually due to their own guilty conscience, which is underneath this facade, people seem to buy into. They are retaliating on me, for being honest, and for avoiding their toxic games being played on me, directly, anymore, by keeping them out of my life. A counselor could explain this dysfunctional crap, better than I have, but the bottom line is that these people have continually damaged my life, in this way, every time they get another innocent person to take them at face value, rather than notice how they themselves are having a change of heart toward me, under the influence of all this. They weren't feeling this way toward me, before they were emotionally manipulated by these people! In any case, I couldn't continue to keep Linnea closely involved, in my life, if she were going to be that way with my mother, who I need to keep completely out of my life. The same goes for my son, Jay. I don't pressure them in any way to not be involved closely with her, because they have a right to make their relationship choices just as much as I do. I simply back off, from them, now, as well, and leave them all to their relationships with one another. I choose to go on with my own life without those bonds, then, because it is better, and healthier, and happier, for me. I have had to leave all of it, in God's hands, knowing that what I have been describing, about my family, will all be exposed by the Lord, one day, and that both of my parents will be held accountable for all that they have done to make me their scapegoat.

Sometimes, my mother would tell me things that apparently Linnea had confided in her, such as her being concerned about Jim staying out late for "his regular card games". This was the first I had heard of that. I was very concerned, though, hearing this, although I never told her why, as I hoped that this was nothing, compared to what it had been, when I lived with Jim in Biloxi. What I immediately thought about was my own memory of Jim playing that card game with two other women, the night of his birthday, at his apartment, for condoms, as the prize. I had been napping in the adjoining room, in the bed that Jim and I shared, since I was his live-in girlfriend, and I woke to walk in on this going on. So, when I heard "card games", regarding Jim, I felt very anxious, on Linnea's behalf, right away. She was such a different woman, from me, that I thought surely she would bring out the better side of Jim's dual Gemini nature that I had also seen and loved, when we had first dated, but be able to keep that side of him in the forefront, which I hadn't been able to do, with him. After all, Jim had married me only because of our pregnancy, but he had married Linnea because he loved her, and had wanted to. I did not ever think that Jim had only married her in order to have Jay's custody transferred to him, with a ready caregiver available for his child, in Linnea. If I had any concerns at all about that, because I had made transferring Jay's custody to him conditional on him marrying this woman that he was involved with, those were put to rest, after I saw photos, online, of Jim and Linnea, on a beach, in Hawaii, I think it was, renewing their wedding vows, to one another, years later. What that said to me was that Jim loved her, wanted her, and gladly married her. Even twice!

My heart is broken, from what has happened to my life, due to the people that have brought so much crap into it, because of their selfishness (which is the very root, of sinfulness). I honestly cannot see how it could ever even be healed on this side of Heaven, but I know that Heaven is on the horizon, for me, at some point, and I am content to focus on what God is doing, in, and through, my life, now, in this present moment (which is the only one, that any of us can live in), and to wait patiently, and live with purposefulness. Even with my truly broken heart, my joy that people see is not fake by any means. "The joy of the Lord is my strength!" (God's Word is true, and I take God at His Word!) Every day, I start my day standing before God praising Him, and I end every day in this very same way. I talk to Him, all throughout the day, about anything, and everything, and ask Him about things, and listen, for His answers. I laugh, because He fills me with joy! I dance, and sing, around my apartment, because I am filled with gratitude that I have survived, all that I have been through, even as well as I have, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, after all the damage has been done. Some times it has been easier than others and some times it has been a Pilgrim's Progress*** that, for me, has been more like my taking two steps forward and one step back. Still, I am moving forward! I'm really not on this planet to be loved by others. I am here to bring glory to God, by bringing His Love to others, if and when I can. Some days, it is a show of my faith in Him that I am even willing to simply get out of bed, at all, to face the day, by just putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, because I know, and I trust, that no matter what has happened, or not happened, God is always with me.

People have often said to me, when they learn more about my life story, that it is amazing that I never committed suicide or became an alcoholic or drug addict, from what had to be enormous emotional pain that I felt from these things that I have been through. They always look shocked when they first find out what my life has been like, because, people do tell me all the time that I look like someone who has lived a very easy life, without having had any real problems to deal with, or weigh me down, to cause me to become a cynical, jaded, cold, or cruel, person. Once, a female co-worker who was raising two teenage boys, as a single mother, and worked in retail sales with me, at the mall, told me why she had taken an immediate dislike to me, and been so mean to me, from the very first day that I worked there, which I had always wondered about as I was suffering through it, from her. She explained that she was hurting, from her own life, and I came onto the scene, looking so happy, like I did not have any problems or had never suffered, like she had. I told her that I don't look like someone carrying around heavy emotional burdens because God's Word tells me that I am to "cast all my cares on Him" (1 Peter 5:7), and that I've had to do that, in order for them not to have completely broken me, as a person; because they have been too much for me. They very likely would have been the death of me in some form or fashion, if I had not given them to God. I gave her just a few examples of the things I have had to live through, in my life, and she was totally shocked! She had not thought that I, this happy-seeming lady that she worked with, had been through anything, like what I shared with her that day, especially not things as bad as those were, such as my being raped, by a stranger. As for drinking, my dating days with Jim included alot of that, although I did not stay constantly drunk, by any means. He had given me alcohol to drink, back then, mostly to help me relax, while he was working with me, through our lovemaking, to get me past my frigidity from my rape sexual trauma. Before that time, I had really only had those drinks that my cousin had given me, prior to rupturing my hymen, causing me to marry him because I was then 'damaged goods'. Except for a short span of time, when I was a nightclub dancer (out of all those years, considering that we were allowed to drink alcohol any time, in those clubs, and I had usually worked 6 nights a week), there wasn't really any other alcohol use or other escapist behaviors by me, throughout my lifetime. In fact, because I am so health conscious, I am aware of the health risks, from all those things, and avoid them. I don't even smoke cigarettes, which is a form of drug addiction, to nicotine. I even filter my water through a PUR pitcher! I will need to cover my short and very exclusive foray into prositution though, and the reasons behind that (none of which were good enough, because it so grieved the Holy Spirit, who lives within me), in a future post in this Blog.

* Blessed Assurance
   a hymn by Fanny Crosby

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine
Heir of salvation, purchase of God
Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood
Perfect submission, all is at rest
I in my Savior am happy and blessed
Watching and waiting, looking above
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long . . . .

** Failure To Thrive  (FTT)  ". . . factors that may lead to failure to thrive: Emotional deprivation as a result of parental withdrawal, rejection or hostility. . . . If psychosocial factors are involved, treatment should include improving the family dynamics and living conditions. Parental attitudes and behavior may contribute to a child's problems and need to be examined." (Source: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/failure-to-thrive )

*** The Pilgrim's Progress. (1678, 1684) A religious allegory by the seventeenth-century English author John Bunyan. Christian, the central character, journeys from the City of Destruction to the Celestial City. Along the way he faces many obstacles, including the Slough of Despond.

'A Lesson To A Younger Woman, From An Older Woman': A Devotional That I Wrote

[This is dedicated to Vivian Gulleen, the older woman who taught me so much, when I was in my late twenties. She was retired from the mission field overseas, by then, but still ministered here in Omaha to many people, including me, right up until she went to be with the Lord. She  is also mentioned in my Blog post titled "Miscellany About Me", on 5/22/19. I am truly blessed to have known her. Vivian was so humble. She had told me that she had been a principal at a missionary school, in Africa, which was impressive enough, but I never knew the extent of her influence, there, until I began doing the online research, in preparation, for this post. She was absolutely an amazing woman, and a very dear friend, to me. Vivian was one of those special people, that comes into your life, and changes it---   and you---   forever, in a good way. I am a better person from my knowing her than I ever would have been without her Godly example in my life. For more information on what she accomplished in Africa, as a missionary, before she returned stateside, please see the following links that are about this wonderful woman of God:

https://stpeterofgrimesintanzania.wordpress.com/2019/01/30/archive-photos/
https://mountoliverochester.blogspot.com/2011/11/kijota-vivian-guleen-girls-school.html
https://stpeterofgrimesintanzania.wordpress.com/2019/01/28/monday-at-hull-high-school-vivian-gulleen-institute/ ]

Many years ago, when I was the young woman, an older woman in my life kept trying to tell me that these Disney-movie-infused happily-ever-after hopes that I had, with the be-all-end-all love from the young prince, taking me away, to a blissful future, was not a worthy life goal for me, in itself. I was so love-starved, due to my affirmation-deprived childhood, and my already two bad marriages, which had both ended in divorce, that I was like dry kindling wood, waiting for some (relational) match to set my heart ablaze with the passion I dreamed that real, true, love, would bring into my life, some day. For me, that day never came; just poor substitutes.  At that time, I had truly believed that this mystery man, somewhere 'out there' in my future, would be the one person who would finally heal my broken heart. Vivian told me how she had never married, but had instead spent her life as a missionary in Africa, as the principal of a school there. She told me that she had decided, early in her life, that she would never settle for love, with any man, of an intimate (and, therefore, marital nature), that she saw as being anything less than the deep, abiding, mutual love that her own parents had found with one another and so openly displayed during her childhood. Hearing this, from where I was emotionally, at the time, left me feeling as unempathetic as my romantic fantasizing frustrated her. I was sure she just really didn't get it. Life. True life. Still, her love for the Lord, and for me, as her heartbroken and struggling young friend, touched my life deeply, and had a lasting impact on me. That was thirty-five years ago!

Years passed, and she left, for Eternal life with her beloved Lord, but I continued to struggle in my search to fulfill myself with " . . . and she lived Happily Ever After. THE END."  A life event which continued to elude me. I even remarried although God had answered my prayers about that not with a "Yes" but a "NO". In all my starry-eyed naivete, and unrecognized arrogance, I TOLD HIM that 'Love would conquer all'. MY love. Well, God--- Who is Love--- absolute, pure, never ending  love, told me "No" to protect me from the things He foreknew, that I was blind to. And all my human efforts to love a man were reciprocated with all types and degrees of abuse of me, causing instability, fear, sadness, and more emotional and physical damage, for me, in my life. In the end, I felt used up, worn down, and deeply disillusioned. I still didn't feel loved.

Sometime later, but still in those young woman years of mine, I did actually find 'The Love Of My Life', though, which surprised me, because I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED that such a thing as this would, or could, happen to me! Exactly like my older woman friend had tried so often to tell me, some years before that, I found that the true, deep, faithful, lasting love, which I had imagined, and so deeply desired, WAS with God Himself! When I saw, and experienced, the sweet, precious, purity of His Love, FOR ME (in spite of my constantly pushing Him aside, rejecting Him, ignoring Him, thinking of His Love as being less than the love that I was seeking for myself, snubbing His offer of one-on-one intimacy with Him), I knew He was THE ONE! He saw me TOTALLY AS I WAS, inside and out, 24/7, and STILL LOVED ME, as deeply as Love can love! 'Without shadow or turning'.*  Without unfaithfulness or lies. Without threat or abuse. That list of attributes, in someone I wanted to find, in my life, and totally give my heart to, was fulfilled in Him! No one else even came close. "I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine." **

My older, and wiser, friend had been right, all along. How could I have doubted her? Or, Him!

*James 1:17 (GNT)  Every good gift and every perfect present comes from heaven; it comes down from God, the Creator of the heavenly lights, who does not change or cause darkness by turning.

**Song of Solomon 6:3 (NKJV)  I am my beloved’s, And my beloved is mine. He feeds his flock among the lilies.
  

Even More On The One Man That I Would Love Forever: Giving Up, And Getting Out

[This is the sixth Blog post either about or directly referencing this man. All of this coverage is important in my documenting the scope of this relationship that I had with him, because of his significance in my life. Not only is he the human being that I have loved more than any other in my life, but Jim is the only person that I am related to by blood because of our having our child, a son, together. Jay was created from the two of us, and from whatever this thing was between us, all those years ago. He is living in this world, now, only because of this relationship, of ours. These two things, and more, give Jim a very special meaning, and place, in my life, and heart. Those other posts, which provide alot of other information about this relationship between Jim and I, our dating, our son, & our marriage, are dated 4/3/19, 6/26/19, 7/10/19, 7/24/19, 8/7/19.]

I was already dealing with so much, as an expectant mother, in a bad marriage, with very little emotional support from Jim. On top of all the stress that I was already feeling from all of these things, Jim's father came to visit us. By this time, my disdain for both him and his son, for how each of them was treating me, was bubbling up from beneath the superficial sociability which I struggled to maintain with each of these men. His coming there made this situation even more awkward for me. It already felt like this place wasn't really my home, with Jim, because of how upset and unwanted his behaviors caused me to feel, as his wife. This visit was a straw on an already broken camel's back for me! Jim's dad stayed downstairs in the guest room, which we had created in the lower level of this 3-story townhouse since there was only our bedroom and the baby's nursery on the upper floor, with the livingroom, kitchen, and front entry being on the middle floor. (We had originally created that guest room downstairs to have somewhere for my mother to sleep, when she came to visit for about a week, after the baby was born, to help me while I recovered some from the difficult delivery, and to get better adjusted to the demands of caring for a breastfeeding newborn.) When I say that Jim's dad stayed in the guest room, that is exactly what I mean, too. This man stayed down in that room, all day long, for the most part, while Jim was at work. Being acutely, and uncomfortably, aware of our having this guest, down there, wanted by me or not, I would try to talk with him, calling to him from the stairs, so as not to simply walk in and invade his privacy. He would barely even respond to me, then, and when I invited him to come upstairs, to at least eat lunch, he would refuse. His actions caused me to feel even more uncomfortable about having him there than I had already felt, if that were even possible, and I resented that. Although it was obvious that we didn't like each other much at all, he never really tried to at least make an effort with me, there, in this situation. His behavior only underscored how unwanted I was, by both Jim and his family. I had tried not to let this rejection of me, by Jim's dad, hurt me. It was certainly nothing new to me, that he acted this way toward me. Still, it really did hurt alot! I was family now. Jim's and my having a baby together was now linking us by our bloodline! Jim's parents had adopted him, so they were not actually related to him. The only time Jim's dad was warm or friendly to me during the day, while Jim was at work, was when he would go out for a walk and he wanted me to agree for him to take Butterbar with him, which I did. Those walks seemed to be something that they both enjoyed doing, and I was relieved there was something that brought each of them some happiness, during those days.

Jim and his dad went out together in the evenings after Jim got home from work. Then the two of them would return to the townhouse talking jovially together as they came in, with me feeling so shut out, and left out, by them both. When I tried to be gracious to Jim's dad, he never really responded to my efforts to do that toward him. So, by the end of his visit, I really did not go out of my way to try to be that way toward him, anymore. He could see the strain between Jim and me. I am sure that he completely blamed me for that, also. I knew that this really conservative-seeming, very judgmental man, who had chastised me for holding hands in public with his son, when we dated (which Jim had initiated, with me!), had no idea of the type of things that I knew his son had done, and was capable of doing. Jim's dad looked down on me, as a person, and he coldly made that clear to me. But he had NO idea who his son truly was! He only knew his facade; so really, their relationship was based on a lie in that sense. Jim was very good at and very comfortable with deception; but I was neither. Clearly, family loyalties are based on many things, but the truth is not always one of them! I knew that this man would never believe those things of Jim, even if he had been told about them which, of course, I didn't do, while seething with frustration, anger, and hurt inside about all this crap. Jim lovingly, enthusiastically, brought bags of his father's favorite foods home, from their shopping trips, so that his father would feel welcome, and wanted in Jim's home. It was understandably special for him that his father was visiting. But my front row seat to the obvious contrast, between how Jim treated his father, and even our dog, and he treated me, was painful for me to witness, because it demonstrated that Jim was still completely capable of being the caring, communicative, person he had also been with me, when we first became involved with one another in Biloxi, but that he chose not to be that way with me now. The exact reasons for this change in him, toward me, were never clear to me. When Jim had taken me out to eat or gotten me groceries, during our marriage, he had done so apathetically, and unenthusiastically, without this obvious, loving, look of pleasure on his face he had from having brought all this into our home for his father. This difference was so glaring that it hurt me to see it. His father came into OUR home, but wouldn't even be social, or civil, with me, all day long. Then, in the evenings, those two were so warm and open with one another, that it just felt like another hostile, unaccepting, slap in the face, to me, by them, as I carried Jim's and my son, and this man's grandson, during this behavior of theirs, toward me.

Throughout the course of our relationship, once that hedonistic side of his dual, Gemini, nature reared (what I saw as) its ugly head, and overshadowed the shy, sweet, staunch side of him he had first showed me (which was the person I had fallen in love with), Jim did certain things that either frightened me or angered me. To add insult to injury, with that, he was both unrepentant and unapologetic about all of those things. This definite down side, to my relationship with him, caused me to feel violated by and uncertain of him. These were an affront to what I saw as the sanctity of our very involved and intimate relationship, especially since I was living with him, as his girlfriend, when these things began, with him, and was later married to him, which he chose to do with me (since we could have had the baby without actually marrying one another, as we had originally planned on doing when I first told him I was pregnant). These behaviors, by him, left me with, first, lingering, and then, lasting, safety concerns, for my physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Physically, I did not want to risk some STD, due to what appeared to be his far-flung sexual escapades, at times. I was monogamous, when sexually active, primarily due to this very concern, because my health has always been very important to me. My sentiment about it was that "No lay in the world is worth dying over!" Despite how good our sex life was, together, that is also how I felt toward Jim, and my physical vulnerability from being with him if he weren't going to also be monogamous, which he had seemed to be, in the beginning of our relationship; up until I fell in love with him. Emotionally, I felt continually hurt, and confused, by this change in him, especially since I was, in fact, his live-in girlfriend while we were stationed at Keesler Air Force Base together. Due to these things I was deprived of any possibility of my having peace of mind about our relationship ever again, at all. I never recovered from the loss and lack of feeling trust in my relationship with Jim which absolutely constitutes all the reasons that, even though I was still completely in love with him, I did divorce him, and, I was fine with him moving on, to marry Linnea. I knew that I would not ever want him back, because, for me, there was no way to ever be able to trust him, again, with my heart, my body, or anything else.

These were the reasons why I became so hurt and angry that for decades I didn't even KNOW that I even still cared about him, AT ALL, at least consciously. Looking back NOW, I can finally see clearly that many, if not most, of my decisions in life, after I divorced him, to set him free of me and our marriage, were various forms of my 'acting out' due to my profound grief over, and deep love for, Jim. I felt I had, or rather, was left (by him) with, no other choice, but to divorce him, though, because it had gotten to the point that, all things considered, about his past and present behaviors toward me, I truly didn't know what he was capable of, even going beyond these already troubling things. Once, near the end of my pregnancy, I told Jim how I could no longer even see my own feet, when I was standing, or walking, because of my big belly, and how that was causing me to become quite clumsy. I told him how I had almost tripped, on the long sidewalk of various steps, leading down to the street where our mailbox was, just the day before! As Jim left for work, he went out the front, instead of the back door, to the garage, but as I noticed him in the front yard for a few minutes, I didn't think anything of it. When I went to get the mail, a little later that morning, I DID TRIP AND FALL, because the autumn leaves had somehow covered our entire set of steps, from the front door all the way down to the mailbox! After I struggled to stand up again, from my going down, belly first, to the ground, fearing this fall had possibly hurt the baby, I FROZE IN FEAR, as I saw that the ONLY set of steps which had ANY leaves on them, out of all those from the half dozen or so townhomes attached side by side, was OUR STEPS! Our townhome was not even on the end of the row, but NONE of the others had ANY leaves covering their steps! It LOOKED like EVERY leaf had, somehow, either blown ONLY onto OUR steps, or were arranged that way, to cover our steps! Then, as I went back inside, in some pain from the fall I just had, and realizing I could have lost the baby if my tripping had been any worse, I remembered seeing Jim, lingering in the front yard, for a few minutes, that morning, for some reason. Later, I never asked him what he had been doing out there, earlier, because frankly, with all the other strange changes in his behavior, after we were married, I WAS AFRAID TO FIND OUT what might be going on, even if I had been able to get him to communicate with me, or be honest with me, which were already difficult, in this relationship with him, as it was. This happening REALLY SHOOK ME UP, though! I can't say for sure that he did anything with the way the leaves were, although I can say that their ONLY COVERING MY ROUTE TO THE MAILBOX, on the very day that I had told Jim that I ALMOST fell outside, looked suspicious, to say the least! [Reference a street level photo of 3806 Gayle Avenue Bellevue, Nebraska 68123, where we were living then, to see exactly how this looked: https://www.redfin.com/NE/Bellevue/3806-Gayle-Ave-68123/home/63942380 ]

If you watch much local, or national, news, or ever see TV shows like Dateline, and 20/20, this may not sound to you like I am somehow being 'paranoid' or overly suspicious, at all. Statistics sadly show that, for a woman, the most dangerous, potentially deadly, place that she can ever be is at her very own home, and within her most intimate relationship with her significant other (husband, etc.). There is no shortage of such stories about women who are severely injured or even murdered, in various ways, by either their boyfriend or husband. When those stories are first reported, I almost always assume that the woman's man is the culprit, which proves to be the fact, in almost every case like this. These TV reports vividly portray how these men coldly seek to get rid of the woman in their life, to get them out of their way, so that they can pursue another love interest, et cetera, without pain or penalty to themselves. They think that they can avoid the time and expense involved in the divorce process, and/or possibly having to part with their money by being ordered by the court to pay alimony, child support, or both. All these men, doing these things to their women, are thinking or caring about then is getting themselves free, to pursue their own goals and interests unencumbered by these women they once loved, more often than not and, sometimes, child(ren), who just seem like a burden that they want off their back. If you are aware of this truly terrifying trend, you will understand why this next thing that happened shook me up so much, prompting me to start the divorce from Jim soon afterward!

I was breastfeeding our son, in the beginning. I had learned that it was important, for the baby, because it provided alot more health benefits to the child than my not doing this; and from the start, I had always wanted for our son, Jay, to have a happy, healthy, life! Because I needed to be completely accessible to the baby, to meet his needs for nutrition, this way, I was still in the townhouse, in the marriage, with Jim. In the meantime, I continued trying to gauge the situation between Jim and I, the best that I could, given his ongoing lack of communication with me. He wasn't saying 'Go', but he wasn't saying 'Stay', either; and I really had no idea at all how he felt about me, the marriage between us, or the baby. I was told what a mother ingests gets into her breast milk and, depending on what it is, can potentially harm the baby. Because of that, I was not back on The Pill, for birth control, for the duration of these many weeks. I had allowed Jim, who was always a person that was curious about trying, and experiencing, NEW things, in his life, to suckle some of my breast milk, to see what it tasted like, when he asked me if he could. It was nice to see him taking, at least some, interest in the process of how I was caring for our child. However, when he suddenly reached over to try to fondle my breast in a sexual manner, one morning, without even one word said to me beforehand, or any 'romancing me' at all, after his being almost totally uncommunicative with me through everything that I was going through with, and because of, him, I abruptly pushed his hand away from me, in disgust and disbelief. I couldn't imagine him even THINKING that I would be STUPID enough to risk getting pregnant by him AGAIN, after what I had just gone through, because of that happening to me! He didn't have HIS body TAKEN OVER by the baby, for nine full months, or experience all the Morning Sickness, or get the genital warts, and have to be celibate because of them, and all the other discomforts I had endured, while feeling so alone because of how he had treated me through all that. He hadn't been LOVING toward me, throughout the marriage, and even really before that, and had never done anything to indicate that he was emotionally, or in any OTHER way, invested in having our marriage continue on, or work out between us. It just felt literally like a 'cheap shot' by him, leaving me both shocked and disgusted that it was the BEST HE COULD DO, toward me, as his WIFE. I told him, then, that I was not having ANY SEX AT ALL, unless or until I was BACK ON BIRTH CONTROL, and that wouldn't be happening as long as I was breastfeeding our son, due to my concerns, at the time, that it would get into my breast milk.

One evening, Jim prepared to go somewhere after work, for the entire evening, AGAIN. I was indifferent to this, by this time. Tired of having my hopes up, and my heart broken, over him, I had already shut down toward him emotionally, now, too, and felt mostly pervasive resentment toward him, anymore. I saw that he was looking in the fridge, bent down behind its door, right before he left, and he asked me if I was planning to eat the leftover Sweet 'N Sour Asian meal, which I had cooked, and we'd both eaten for our dinner the night before, for my supper tonight. Thinking that perhaps he wanted to have that, I responded that if he didn't want it, then I would be eating it. As I headed upstairs to change the baby's diaper in the nursery, he told me he had left that food for me to eat, and he left for yet another unknown (to me!) destination. Sometime during that evening, soon after I had eaten that food, I suddenly started having hallucinations, which was VERY SCARY TO ME! NOTHING like that had EVER happened to me, before, and I was home all alone, with our baby! I was both trying to figure out what was going on, with me, and function, as colorful images flashed across my mind, or my eyes, appearing like fireworks, and things. The baby started crying, to be breast fed, sometime during this, after I had put him to bed, for his own safety, whenever this had started happening to me. I stumbled to make him a bottle, from the kitchen, instead, to try to quiet him, but would not even pick him up, because of whatever was happening to me now. I think I had reasoned that I couldn't call an ambulance, because I thought they would assume I had just been some irresponsible mother, doing drugs, of some kind, with my baby in the house, when that was not the case at all; and take my baby away from me. Of course, Jim had already gone out, to some unknown destination, and I had no way to contact him. As I have said in previous posts, there were no cell phones back then.

So, I went in our bedroom, to lay down, myself, trying my best to cope with this hallucinogenic experience I was having; feeling very frightened, and unsure what was going on! My breasts began to hurt a lot, very quickly, with an agonizing soreness caused by them being so full of milk, after my having suddenly stopped breastfeeding, Cold Turkey, the way I had, to protect my son. I started to shiver, from either the pain I was in from that, an associated fever perhaps, or even whatever was causing me to see these weird lights, trailing, and exploding, before my eyes which my closing them didn't stop. At some point, I heard Jim's voice, as he stood by the bed, in the dark room, saying, "WHAT HAPPENED?" I froze, in fear, hearing him saying that, because he had LEFT our townhouse JUST AFTER ASKING what I would be EATING for my supper that night. Also, it would be normal for both me and the baby to be in bed, even asleep, this time of night, now. So, since he had been GONE all evening, HOW would he even KNOW that ANYTHING AT ALL had "happened"? Because of this, all I could believe was HE had put SOMETHING in MY FOOD; perhaps to CAUSE me to stop breastfeeding Jay, finally, so that I would get on birth control and could, or would, have sex with him again, now. For WHATEVER reason he might have done that, to me, and I could see NO OTHER EXPLANATION, for this, I was left feeling REALLY AFRAID OF HIM, and what ELSE he MIGHT do, after that, prompting me to want to divorce him, and very soon, for my, and the baby's, own SAFETY. There's never been enough time passing for me to forget these strange things that happened, however they happened, which caused me to feel very distrustful of, and even frightened by, my husband!

I do not recall ever going onto The Pill then, though, during the remainder of our time together. Or us ever having sex, with one another, again, after all these things I had gone through, with and because of him. Because our sex life used to be so very good, I would remember, then, if we had that very enjoyable experience together, again, after the baby came. Especially due to my being so much in love with Jim, I don't think I could have forgotten the emotional impact on me, if we had ever become intimate with one another again. Or the added heartbreak, if I had, that would surely have come my way, after that. At this point, in the situation, I think that I was so disgusted by, and distrustful of, him, that I just didn't want him anymore! I had wondered if this reaction toward him, by me, when he knew I had found him completely irresistible, before, was part of the reason that I would soon discover that he had questioned whether our son was even his! Because of what that said about how he thought of ME, it even further added insult to injury, in my relationship with him, turning me off toward him even more. Jim always seemed to think that he could 'write his own rules' in our relationship, often doing very one-sided acts that I don't think for one minute he would have wanted me to have done to him. He behaved in any way he wanted, at any time, without expecting any consequences to come from that, as far as how I would naturally react to being treated in those ways. Even though my feeling attracted to him ran extremely deep in me, these negative emotions, which had been accumulating in me, toward him, from all of his selfish, and sinful, behaviors, which impacted me, ran even deeper through me. I honestly can't recall one single time, at any point, while living at the townhouse together, that Jim and I ever became romantically or sexually involved with one another again.

For me, he had trashed himself, and in the process of that, our relationship with one another. His never acknowledging any of this, or apologizing, put a strain on the already torn fabric of what had held us together, at all, in the first place, ultimately ripping it-- and 'us'-- apart. With  no repentance from him, for all this, toward me, there was no way to turn back, or even try to repair the damage he had caused by all of this. It was over; because it had to be. If Jim had  not wanted this outcome, then he wouldn't have behaved as he did. I didn't want it this way at all, but knew that I could never be happy, living with so little from this man. Yes, we had great sex, together, back when we used to do that, but, it seemed he was giving his cock too much credit. There is alot more, to a relationship, than what happens in bed. And now, there was a baby to think about too, as far as what quality of life we should have in this home, and in our new family. What Jim offered me, in total, was way less than what I was willing to accept, for this. I decided that taking the baby and going our way would at least give us hope for a better situation, some way, at some point. I didn't see ANY HOPE of it EVER getting better, with Jim and I, together, because it had started going downhill, with his behaviors, when we dated, and lived together, and it had never swung back, to him being the sweet, shy, supportive man I had fallen in love with. It was like some awful 'BAIT AND SWITCH', he had pulled on me! I loved, and missed, THAT guy! THIS GUY was (at least ACTING LIKE) a REAL JERK, to me! If we were 'meant to be', together, which certainly seemed doubtful, I would think that either, or both, of us would have known that, and acted accordingly. But, we BOTH just let go, of 'us', each in our own way, and we BOTH moved on. Our story had no 'Happily Ever After'. Just 'The End'.

Butterbar, our teacup poodle, was also in the mix of all this. Eventually, the vet discovered that she had a heart condition, from a valve which wasn't closing properly, causing a heart murmur, I believe. She had to go to Kansas State University Veterinary Hospital, to have heart surgery, which Jim drove her down there for, because I was in the hospital, after having our son, at the same time this was scheduled for her. When Jim brought her back home, just after we brought our son home from the hospital, as well, I didn't recognize Butterbar, at first, because she was completely shaved, and looked nothing at all like her usual, curly-haired, self, for awhile. Even though it was clear that she and Jim had a real love connection, going on between them, Jim wasn't home much of the time, to help me with her needs, and I also had the baby to take care of, now. Very small dogs need frequent walks because they have tiny bladders. Butterbar also needed to get outside to exercise more, for her heart health. I couldn't always meet her needs, though, and the baby's, at the same time. I felt bad when she needed more than I could do for her, at times, because she was my first 'baby', before Jay arrived, with all his needs, from me, now. The little poodle became despondent, after seeing how much time and attention Jay got from me (with breastfeeding him, and so forth), instead of her, now; except for when Jim was around, spending his time with her when he was home, teaching her tricks, and sweet-talking her. I knew that she needed more time and attention than she was getting, from us, however, and I had been wondering what to do about it, to improve the situation, and her quality of life.

It was only growing more apparent that things were not, and would not, be improving between Jim and I, in order to make this marriage work between the two of us. As the mother of a baby boy, and with Jim being busy with his Air Force career, including going out of town at times for that, I would need to be the one, at least for now, who continued caring for the constant needs of our small son even though I was no longer breastfeeding him. Knowing this was already an extremely difficult situation, to have to deal with, I needed to find a better solution for meeting Butterbar's needs, also. So, knowing that a divorce was imminent, between Jim and I, during one of those times that Jim (supposedly) went TDY, for a few days, leaving me alone again, to think about all this, I put an ad in the paper (there wouldn't be any publicly available Internet for another decade), and I sold Butterbar. That was a very hard decision, for me, but I knew that it had to be done, because Jim would not have been able to take care of her, since he was gone much of the time, including out of town, on occasion, as well. Even though I cried, while doing it, I was also greatly comforted that she was going home with a very loving young couple, who adored her, from the moment they saw her, just as I had. They lived out in the country, versus where we lived, in a townhouse, with the street and all the traffic so close by. Butterbar would be able to run free, without the constraints of a leash, and get plenty of fresh air, and exercise!

One of the things Jim had taught her was to tuck in her Mickey Mouse doll (which I believe Jim had bought her on one of his 'TDY' trips) by laying this rubber baby doll down, in her little dog bed where it would be next to her at night, and then pulling the blanket over her 'baby' with her mouth, for 'Nite Nite'. It was so precious! I taught the couple all about this ritual, and all of her other normal habits and routines, so they could help her adjust more smoothly to this transition in her home life. Then, with tears in my eyes, I packed up her bed, her doll, and all of her other things, so she would have as many familiar things with her, as possible. They kindly sent me a few letters, telling me how much Butterbar was enjoying the freedoms she had now, out in the country, with them, and how happy and healthy she was! I was so glad to hear that! I had truly loved that little dog, in spite of my being jealous that she inspired Jim to love her, when I never seemed able to do that, myself, with him. Ironically, since I was a homemaker with no income, or access to money, it was the payment for my selling Butterbar that I used to obtain a divorce lawyer, who filed for my divorce from Jim, and had those papers served on him, on base. If he had wanted his associates to see me as the one breaking up our home, he got that, then. All Jim said to me, when he got home that day, since the baby and I STILL LIVED WITH HIM as I started the divorce from him, was "I didn't think that you were going to do that so soon." That statement said to me that he was expecting it, and that likely he knew that his behaviors had prompted my decision, which I really think he had intended for them to do. He didn't even look sad, or say anything to me, about us getting the divorce now; only about Butterbar being gone.

Jim also obtained an attorney once I started the divorce from him, and due to their legal advice this next thing happened, since judges expect a father to pay child support for their dependent. Jim and I had to take our baby boy, Jay, to the hospital, where he was then strapped down, in a papoose-like body restraint, to keep him still long enough for a larger than normal amount of blood to be drawn, from where they had pricked his heel, because Jim wanted a paternity test! I stood there helplessly watching my baby scream from his fear and pain due to that, while Jim just stood there, opposite me, stone faced, seemingly just hoping that he would be off the hook for any money, if this child wasn't his. This was traumatic for the baby, and completely insulting to me! As the blood was being drawn out of this tiny boy, who had done nothing to deserve any of this, my eyes locked with Jim's, at one point, and I am sure, in that moment, ALL he saw, in my eyes, was pure hatred of him! For him to come back at me, now, with his original sentiment of 'How do I even know this baby is mine?', after everything we had just gone through together, the marriage, the pregnancy, the delivery, and everyone saying our baby looked like 'mini-Jim', was completely despicable to me! This was due to the relatively small amount of child support that he was ordered to pay for Jay. Jim didn't even give me any spousal support; financially or emotionally! He put me through SO MUCH CRAP! It all REALLY took a toll on me, by the end.

There was no fighting between Jim and I, by then. Just a cool, firm, resolve to go our separate ways. We discussed the business at hand, but Jim remained very closed off toward me, as far as our direct communication. Knowing I would need a car to help me to move on and move out with the baby, I asked Jim about our getting one for me, which we did, and after the first couple of payments were made by him, I was employed, and gone, and making the payments on this compact car myself, then. I got hired as a live-in residential associate, for an agency that cared for handicapped children, which provided both an income and a place to live for my baby and I. I fixed up this apartment, down in the basement, as well as I could, for the two of us, to make it as pleasant as possible for the baby. This was a full time job for me, so much of the time I was upstairs in the main part of the house, caring for the two boys that lived there in this residential care facility. One was a young boy, who had cerebral palsy, and the other was a teenager, with hydrocephalus, who were not relatives of one another. Back then, job ads were primarily listed in the newspaper, so that is where I had been looking, to find my job. While reading those Help Wanted ads, I had also seen one for a dance studio seeking Ballroom Dance Instructors. I was still living at the townhouse, then, while I was job hunting, even though I had already begun the legal divorce from Jim. He called home, when he was out somewhere, one evening, for some reason, and I recall scolding him, in a very irritated manner; probably because he wasn't home, again, but was out somewhere, again, when he could at least have helped me more, with our baby, or just wanted to spend some time with his son, while we were still living there. I told him about the job ad, for the dance studio, and told him that he should go do that, since he was a good ballroom dancer, and stop simply "catting around" all the time. He took my advice, and he took that job, in the evenings, when he was off duty from his job at the Air Force base. This is significant to mention here, because it was through that job that he MET Linnea, who was to become his second wife! Had I not seen this job ad, and 'strongly suggested' to him that he go do that, those two would more than likely never have met one another, at all. So, from the very beginning, I was the one that led to the circumstances which brought Jim and Linnea together.

Meanwhile, the baby and I were both adjusting to our own, very different, circumstances, then. Jay was able to use a walker, to wheel around, now, but he wasn't old enough to walk yet. Ada, who lived in the house next door, along with her husband and 3 kids, introduced herself to me, and we became good friends. Jay seemed to like being around all these children, after such an isolated start to his life in the townhouse, mostly alone with me all day. Even as a baby, he was captivated by technology, music, and enjoyed 'looking cool' in his sunglasses! He was a happy baby, but very demanding of me, which I always went the extra mile to keep up with, for him, to be sure all of his needs were met, and well. The two of us were very close. I was an extremely devoted and conscientious mother. I was paid a small salary (on top of our being provided this basement apartment, rent free), but alot of that money went toward the car payments, and its expenses, since having a car was an absolute necessity for us, now. Jim's child support went totally to Jay's needs, whether that was his formula, clothing, all the well baby checkups at his pediatrician, toys, and everything else for him to be as healthy and happy as possible. I stayed so busy, taking care of both Jay and the client children in the residential facility, and I struggled so much to make ends meet financially, after giving Jay all that he needed, that I became sick.

The doctor thought that it might be from my living down in the basement, which worried me, for Jay's health, then. I wasn't focused on me. I was trying my very best to do what I needed to do to try to give my son a good life; so my own needs often went unnoticed, and unmet, by me, as I concentrated on him, day in and day out. Jay was a very healthy baby, with a good weight, at his checkups, because of my very conscientious care of him. So, I was really surprised, after I got sick, when I was weighed at the doctor's office, and was told there that I weighed only 112 pounds! At 5'9" I have always been tall and slender, averaging around 128 pounds as an adult. After I had the baby, I was maintaining 125 pounds (because I was so actively caring for him), while I was still at the townhouse, which was already thin, for my height. But now, because of the extreme busyness, and financial struggles, I was even 13 pounds less than that! Surprised that I hadn't even noticed, since that meant that I wasn't getting enough to eat, while the baby was thriving, thank God, I went home and looked in the mirror without my clothes, something I hadn't even taken the time to do for awhile now. I stood there shocked at what I saw! I looked like nothing but skin and bones; like those photos of anorexic girls, only I wasn't one of them. I realized that this was a serious problem, for the baby, because, if I was slowly starving, which I appeared to be, if I stayed on this course I was on, I would become too unhealthy and weak to be able to care for him properly. I could even die from this, if it weren't turned around, and if it continued, because clearly my body was finding so little fuel to run itself on that it had already burned up almost anything in me that it could use, leaving me already looking like little more than a frail skeleton with clothes hanging on it. As I saw myself looking this way, in the mirror, I burst into tears, because I didn't know what to do about it! There just wasn't any more money for us, and I would never skimp on anything that Jay needed, for him to be healthy! Jim always paid his child support on time, but aside from that, I had not seen him or heard from him, at all, since I had moved out with the baby. Not a call, not a word; not a visit to his son. Just checks. I did not even hear about any food pantries, back then. No one, not even the doctor's office, said anything about such a thing. Since I didn't know of any, then, and no one said anything to me, I wonder if those were even available, all those years ago. If they were, I was not aware of any. There were alot of things I did not know about, when I was young. I learned alot the hard way.

Because I had not really heard from Jim, after I moved out with our baby, I was surprised, and annoyed, that it took him so long, to even seem to care, when Jim came to visit the baby, one weekend. As it happened, the house was empty of clients then, because those children were visiting with their families in their homes then; something that didn't always happen. It seemed that God Himself had caused Jim to come over at a rare opportunity to have some privacy and to talk. While he did seem to be making an effort, there still wasn't alot of real communication from him, as far as substance, even as the two of us talked together. It turned out to be a very underwhelming visit from him, all around, probably for both of us. He did bring a red 'Nebraska Cornhusker' sweat suit, for our little boy, who was asleep, in our basement living quarters, for the entire visit from his father, which lasted maybe an hour. While he usually didn't nap a very long time, and I had expected to hear him crying, for me to come get him out of his crib, any time now, oddly he never woke up, while Jim was there to visit us. It almost felt to me like God was clearing the way for Jim to have a chance to say some things to me, about the two of us, but he never did. I was in a difficult position, in that house, trying to provide for Jay 24/7, and meet the needs of the client children with their various special needs. None of it was easy for me, and I felt weary, and vulnerable. Still, if Jim had even thought, to himself, that his coming around me, and our baby, again, just this one time, out of the blue, after he had basically left us on our own, only paying a minimal amount of child support for Jay, and doing nothing more to help me in any way with the situation I was in, was going to prompt me, through either desire or desperation, to tell him that I loved him or wanted him back, I assure you that didn't happen.

If anyone had needed to take that opportunity, to speak up on behalf of our relationship, with one another, it would have had to have been Jim, not me. He had not communicated with me about how he felt about me, and about us, since back in Biloxi, and after all that he had put me through, if he thought that I would grovel for any reason, asking to get back together with him, I could not, nor would not, have done that then. I was much too hurt, by him, to even realize that I still loved him, both then, and for decades to come. I was also very angry, and sad, and a lot of other emotions that weren't pretty or pleasant for me, toward him. If he showed up to put his relational feelers out, trying to determine where I was, about us, he got nothing from me, that way, that day, or any other time, once I started the divorce from him. I have a very tender, and fragile, heart. But also, underneath it all, I am basically a pragmatist, that tries to deal with the facts of a situation, as they are. The way I saw it, Jim was the one that would have to do some communicating, explaining, and a whole lot more for me to ever even think that we could make a real go of it together. And he didn't do anything of the kind. So, I don't think he was there for that; for me, or anything like loving or wanting me, or the three of us to become a family again.

He chatted with me, as we sat together in the living room of the house, in very general, basic conversation; not really about anything much at all. And he let it go at that, just leaving me to suppose, then, that this was all there was, in his emotions toward me, or our marriage to one another. Because he had not been calling me, or asking me anything at all about our son, Jim had no idea how Jay was even doing, what the pediatrician had said at his regular check ups, or what he even weighed, now, and so forth. As a result of that, sadly, the little outfit, which he had brought for Jay, did not fit him. I was able to put it on him once, but it was already so tight and uncomfortable for him that it was unusable. That day was the only time that he brought a gift of any kind to our baby while I had custody of him. I was too tired and busy, trying to raise our little boy, to have either the desire or the energy to try to figure out where Jim was coming from, since communicating directly and clearly, to me, about what he was actually thinking, or feeling, wasn't his strong suit. I could have used some help from him, with our child! Jim had not even once offered to babysit Jay so that I could have a break, however brief, from the 24/7 cycle, that I was in, of meeting all his needs, or for me to experience the pure luxury of having some time to myself. His own social life seemed to be his focus and what drove the choices he made. I was so disappointed in him and even disgusted with him, by this point. Because I was so turned off now, by how badly he had been behaving toward me, throughout our relationship, I would not have even been able to feel my attraction to or love for him on any conscious level. Jim hurt me so deeply and failed me so many ways that I just felt angry, even cold, toward him.

During my time off, I took Jay to do fun things together, but money was so tight. So, we went to the mall, and walked around, alot. Jay saw a helium balloon there, and was fascinated by that, so I bought it for him. It floated around his room for a couple of days, entertaining him, which helped because he would get lonely down in the basement when I wasn't there because I was on duty upstairs in the main house, required to do feeding, bathing, medical care, and social activities with the client children, during those hours. I kept the door cracked, in the kitchen of the house, so that I could hear Jay downstairs if he cried to be fed or have his diaper changed. Then, I would have to rush downstairs, as soon as I could get away, to help him. This particular day, I heard him start to cry, and since it was only about 15 minutes until my shift ended, when I could devote myself fully to him, for the rest of the day, I decided to wait, and I didn't go down there, then. When I did get there, I was shocked, scared, and sad, because he was standing in his crib, whimpering now, with tears on his cheeks, and the long paper string cord of the helium balloon wrapped around his neck--- a few times! It must have floated over by or above the crib, close enough for him to grab the string, and somehow, while he was apparently playing with it, this had happened! I realized that he might have been strangled by this string, down there, and could have died. Also, when he had cried several minutes earlier, it had never occurred to me that it was for any other reason than his usual needs he cried for: he was hungry, he was wet, or he was lonely. The helium had been slowly dissipating from the balloon, over that couple of days since I bought it for him, and had finally floated low enough for him to grab it as it floated near him. I hadn't known it could or would do that. Being a mother was a constant challenge, while I learned as I went, and tried for that not to be at Jay's expense! I told the girls upstairs about it, who came to the house to work with the client children, since I was not on duty 24/7. We all agreed that Jay would be better off being upstairs with us, where he could be watched more closely, and enjoy more time with the other children. He was able to do that by sitting in his walker, wheeling around behind me, as I performed my duties upstairs. Not long after I had started doing this, with him, though, the teenage boy with hydrocephalus, who often appeared moody and sullen, flew into a fit of rage, for some unknown reason, and picking up a chair, he threw it across the room, with it flying right over Jay's head, as he was sitting in his walker. It very nearly hit him! It would have definitely injured him, if it had, and could have possibly even killed him. Seeing that this house was not going to be the right environment, for me to live in, with my son, for reasons of his safety and well-being, I quit my job there, and moved us out.

I then took a live-in babysitting job taking care of an infant girl, around Jay's age. The parents were both army sergeants that were stationed in the Omaha area. They were a brash, coarse, foul-mouthed couple, though. They seemed to be caring people, but were just both very rough around the edges. One night, they insisted that I go out somewhere, for a change! All that I did was stay with, and focus on, my son. So I accepted their offer to babysit Jay for the evening. I had full, 24/7, custody of Jay, while it was just the two of us on our own, after we moved out of the townhouse, since Jim had never even one time offered to take care of him for awhile, at all, after that, even for a day, or an evening, so that I could have a break. Jim had also only visited Jay the once, at the house I had worked in before this. It seemed that Jim was off living his life, free of us being in it, now, on any real, or regular, basis. Jay was a happy baby but he was also an extremely demanding one, to care for. This child needed, and wanted, absolutely everything that I had to give; and then some, at times! There came a point for me, with all that, when I felt really worn out. Jay had only been babysat twice, so that I could have a break, and some time to myself, while he was with me. The first time was when I had lived in the children's residential facility, and Ada had kept Jay for me, next door at her house, for a few hours, while I went on a scenic drive, down to Lincoln, and back to Omaha. It had felt so strange, going anywhere at all, for any length of time, without Jay with me! It just felt really odd because I was always such an extremely devoted mother. That went fine, though, since Ada was a loving, wonderful woman!

This was the second, and final time, that I allowed someone else to babysit my son, while I was on my own with him, because he was much more important to me, even if I did feel a bit burned out, than anything I could do, or anywhere I could go, out and away from him. I deeply, dearly, loved my son, and I was very devoted to him! His safety and well-being were my main concern. I went and listened to some music, in a nightspot, alone, and then came back, after being gone just a couple of hours, because I really wasn't having any fun. I just couldn't relax, or enjoy myself, at all, away from my son, feeling a bit guilty for even being gone for that short amount of time, that I was not the one there for him. I returned to find a strange, sudden, and very obvious red chafing, all along my baby's penis, which had not been there when I had last changed his diaper, right before I left, just a couple of hours before. His penis had never looked that way, at any time, previous to this! There appeared to be abrasions all along the shaft of his penis, and I couldn't imagine what on earth could have caused those! It just didn't add up, as anything normal, to me, and he had never had that happen before, at any time, for any reason. In my gut, I just felt alarmed, by this! I wasn't sure if this was from some type of neglect or even worse, sexual abuse, of some kind, because Jay didn't seem at all traumatized, and there was no change in his happy demeanor. Something about this just didn't add up, though, leaving me on High Alert, now, about our current living situation! I asked them about it, too, but they really had no explanation, saying they didn't think that had just suddenly appeared, although I knew for a fact that it had. Regardless, I didn't trust them around my baby, anymore, and I got us out of there, as quickly as I could, right after that. Live-in jobs were my best option, for being with, and taking care of, my son, Jay, but they weren't going well, and they weren't paying well, so I needed to find a better alternative. But what? I was out of ideas, but I needed to figure it out.

Needing a place to go, where I could safely take care of my baby boy, who at that very young age still needed constant care by me, I ended up going to my parents house in Hickory, North Carolina. (Jim seemed to be fine with whatever I decided to do, giving me no real input about the best way to handle this situation, which he had placed me in, to begin with.) For myself, I DEEPLY disliked EVER being under my parents' roof, the reasons for which are well covered in this Blog, in my posts dated 4/24/19, 5/8/19, 5/29/19, and 6/5/19. So, it demonstrates how deeply I was willing to sacrifice everything to try to give my baby his best chance for a happy life, for himself, that I placed myself back in this house which had brought me so much misery in my own upbringing. This tells you how much I wanted to find some way--- a way that was good for Jay, if not for me--- to keep my son with me, so that I knew that he was being loved and well cared for; by me! Stuffing my own emotions, about it, I was grateful that at least my parents weren't treating my baby badly, like they continued to do to me. However, Jay and I were not only very close, together, by then, but he had been taught by me to listen to what I told him, and to mind me. It wasn't a power trip for me, but a safety feature, for him, which also gave him a sense of security, and stability, as he learned more about the world. He knew that there were solid, fixed, aspects, to our interactions with one another, that grounded him in their reality, and were for his own good. When I said, "No, Jay!" to something, he knew, at that age, that it was not open for discussion, and he rested in what I was telling him, not acting out or pitching a tantrum, in any way. He just accepted it. I think he could sense, from everything about me, toward him, that even my "No!" was out of my deep love for him. He trusted me!

While there, I was trying to figure out how I was going to care for the baby, with any job that I could possibly get, which would likely not pay very well. I knew it wouldn't work, long term, for me to stay with my parents, because of the relationship between us being so toxic for me. In fact, after a few weeks there, Dad got in the habit of bringing home alot of very sugary treats to Jay, every single day after work. He wouldn't ask me if that was okay. He just decided that he was going to do that, and did it. I would come into the room and find the baby's face smeared with melted chocolate, or sticky from some other candy, day after day. This was causing Jay to be so hyped up that he was unable to sleep at night at all, which of course meant that I was totally sleep deprived, as well, since he slept in the room with me so that I could take care of his needs, such as diaper changes. He was waking up-- I counted them-- 13 TIMES A NIGHT! Anyone can see that this would mean his quality of sleep had to be poor if it even existed at all, which, over time, would undermine his health. This was already harming his sense of stability. I began telling my dad to please not do this, with Jay, but, right in front of me, Dad would simply offer Jay another treat, again, the next day, and I would then be left to be the villain to my son, when I said, "No, Jay!" with my dad sitting there smirking about this, holding it out to him. Jay began to look at me, and whimper, and look at my dad, with the candy in his hand, and wheel over to my dad in his walker, and take it. My dad avoided any eye contact with me, when he did this. I think he knew he was being an outright asshole, to do this to my baby, because he never hesitated to invalidate my feelings about things. When I had to intervene, then, and pry the treat away from the baby, he would cry, and pitch tantrums, which he had never acted like.

It got to where he didn't listen to me AT ALL, about ANYTHING, anymore, greatly undermining our relationship, together, since he was being taught by my father that what I had taught him was something he could simply ignore. Dad seemed delighted to be teaching my son, in spite of my direct protests to him about it, day after day, to disrespect me, and I knew that the long term ramifications of that, for the quality of Jay's and my relationship, would not be good. One day, out of desperation, I finally spoke to my mother about it, asking her to please talk to Dad, and get him to STOP, because neither Jay nor I were sleeping at night, anymore, and Jay had turned into a tantrum-throwing brat, under the harmful influence of my father. My parents were relational game players, to be sure. So, my mother said to me, then, "Deborah, I am sure that he already just heard you asking me to talk to him about it, so I won't even have to, now." Like some BRAT himself, because I had finally 'gone over his head' to my mother about it, since he wouldn't respect my wishes, or address my concerns, about this, when I had repeatedly asked him, to his face, to PLEASE STOP DOING THIS, my father now started punishing my son, by completely ignoring him. He had trained my son to come to him, like some trained dog, to get the treats each day, so as soon as Jay saw him, he would wheel over to him in his walker, or else crawl over to him, and pull himself up on my dad's pants leg. So, my dad had set up this expectation, in my son. NOW, he wouldn't even look at Jay, talk to Jay, play with, or interact with Jay, AT ALL. My father, who was always sitting in front of the TV-- his entire life!-- would simply stare straight ahead, at the TV, totally shutting Jay out. Jay, being a baby, especially, could not understand how he was apparently someone who was suddenly completely invisible to my father. He looked very confused, looking back and forth between Dad and me, then. He tugged urgently on my dad's pant leg, but was still totally ignored by my dad. My jaw got tight from my anger over what my dad had done, and was doing, now, to mess up my son, by his jerking around my son's emotions, when Jay had always been such a sweet and happy boy before we arrived at my parents' house. My parents had ruined me, from their pulling this kind of crap, and I was not about to stand by, even in my desperate situation, and allow them to do this stuff to Jay. When this precious baby boy couldn't get any response at all, or treats, from my dad, he got so frustrated and upset that he finally burst into tears! THAT WAS IT, for me! I packed us up, right then, and headed back to Omaha. I was simply going to have to stay at the townhouse with Jim-- who was, after all, his father (although he hadn't even called us, at all, or been very involved, in general, since Jay was born), until I could find a more viable solution. I needed to solve this in a way that was in Jay's best interests because I wanted the best quality of life possible for him. I just couldn't imagine, at the time, WHAT that way could or would BE.

Arriving with our baby, back at what was now simply Jim's townhouse, I discovered that he had already rented out Jay's former nursery to another military officer. This man did not even seem to know who I was, standing there at the door, holding the baby, when I arrived there, causing me to think that Jim hadn't mentioned me or his baby. Grateful, to have some place to be with our son, I wasn't trying to make any trouble for Jim. When he was gone one day, after we had been back at the townhouse, for a couple of days, this other man began to ask me questions, which I answered honestly, while assuring him that his living there was fine, because Jim and I were in a divorce anyway. Still, seeing the situation, he did what any really decent man would have done. He moved out, saying that we needed our privacy, to get this situation worked out, ESPECIALLY WITH A LITTLE BABY IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, and that he had told Jim that he should try to work this thing out with me, because of our having this child between us. As noble as that gesture was, though, that this man made on our behalf, that was not to be. I moved into the baby's old nursery, along with him, after that man moved out, whom Jim had been splitting the rent with. Jim was still sleeping in what used to be our bedroom together, and nothing was going on between the two of us. Also, he had met a woman at the dance studio that I had told him he should work at, in the evenings, rather than "catting around" like it had been so heavily rumored that he was doing while I was pregnant and we were together. Her name was Linnea. So, wasting no time, as soon as I had cut him loose, by filing for the divorce from him, Jim had already gotten himself a steady girlfriend. He never was one to lose any time finding female, or other, companionship, socially speaking! And I had not come back thinking that he and I could ever work out, together. I had seen more than enough from him, by now, when we were dating and married, to know that it would never, could never, work out between us. So, I had already done what I had learned, over my lifetime, to do, in order to survive the hurt and harm caused me by the human relationships I had, which was for me to simply 'stuff' what I felt, deep down within me. Because of that, I was not even aware of my still loving Jim, or my heartache, and heartbreak, over the fact that this person whom I loved more than anyone on Earth had likely NEVER even LOVED ME, at all. I think that this was a subconscious coping mechanism, for me, because I love so deeply, and so truly, when I love someone that if I had allowed the full brunt of this grief to have been felt in my heart, I think, in some form or other, I would not have survived it. 'Stuffing it' can be a better alternative, than self-destructing, although this can only be a temporary solution because of the pressure from holding that in which causes it to come out some way at some point. Giving it to God is the best thing to do. And that is exactly what I have done, NOW, with ALL of these things I have been through in my life. God's Will be done!