I've never met my 'Mr. Right', since, it has never, really, worked out, with anyone.
At this point, I seriously wonder if God even made a man that is meant to love me.
Almost all of the ones who have wanted me have been men I am not interested in.
The, extremely limited, times that I have felt love, or lust, for a man, it ultimately just could not become anything viable, given the particular circumstances as they were. Life has been really cruel like that, for me. The heartache crushes my hope.
There's only been a couple of men who have gotten my heart to fully open up, to them, and I regretted that, because, once they got inside of it, they started to be disdainful toward me, after being attentive, and caring, up until then; breaking it. Why, do I seem to only meet men who mentally, emotionally, or physically, abuse me? Is that all there is, in the male population, or am I somehow being a magnet for these men? It is almost impossible for me to trust any man now. The last one that I loved I fell for without even meaning to, because he was fun and funny and attentive and caring once I got to know him, but now I view him as being another abuser and it's really taken a toll on me. As I struggle to get myself free of all the emotional turmoil that this sad situation has brought into my life I have called the Veterans Crisis Line so many times about it, as I try to cope with the aftermath of it, that I have become a regular caller. I am so glad they are there for me, but I'd so much rather not be in crisis over a clown who seems clueless about the effect, this has had, on me. I'm devastated for so many reasons, because this happened to my heart. This is not something that I expected or wanted to have to deal with at this point in my life. There is nothing worse than getting, publicly, browbeaten, several times, now, over feeling something that, I did not want, or expect to feel, in the first place. I feel so fragile right now and not at all up to dealing with more blows about it, which I shouldn't have to be subjected to, because I am not doing anything, at all, to deserve to be called out and chastised for it. I just use all that to fuel the anger, that smolders in my soul, which has been eroding the emotions, I had toward this man, so that it will kill it off in me, once and for all! I want that. The more, I am angry, about it, the more it destroys my positive feelings, toward this person. Seeing the treatment of me as emotional and mental abuse helps me. It would be much more difficult to get over them if they weren't being such a jerk.
Mutual love just never seems to align, for me. Because of my experiences dealing with men, I have been-- and I still am!-- extremely happy being single. Men have been a huge disappointment in my life. A woman's heart wants her man to be her hero, but the reality is that men can really be far from that, in everyday life. We-- or at least me-- give up wishing they were all that we long for them to be, and at least get off their ass which is parked in front of their video game or sports show, and take the trash out; or put the toilet seat down, or stop snoring! I've also had enough men in bed with me to know, due to this 'representative sampling', of the male population, that the majority are only average as lovers, some are seriously lacking in skill, and very few are the stuff romance novels and the Fifty Shades of Grey movies allude to, as leaving us breathless, and, totally, tamed into a blissful submission by their seductive skillset. While, I much prefer staying single, due to my experiences as a married woman being so very disappointing and distressing, I'd like to have a lover in my life now even though a vibrator admittedly beats out every man that I have ever had sex with, except for one. My second husband Jim. I remember, thinking that, if I died and went to Heaven, it could not possibly feel any better than my being, under the spell of, his tantalizing talent at lovemaking!
That man became the standard that I set, for having sex, in my off-and-on-again search for a man who could get me to that same point, of pure pleasure. My first husband (who was also named Jim), was not at all good in bed. Since he was my very first experience of sex, I was bewildered, that THIS was the glorified human experience that people constantly clamored for. I avoided having sex with him all that I could, because it was so unsatisfying. THAT is an understatement. It didn't help that he was very unimpressive, both in and out of bed. There was NOTHING that attracted me to him. It was not until I was with my second husband Jim that I finally knew what all the fuss was about, regarding sex, love, and what it is that a man and a woman can do for one another. I remain grateful to him, to this day, for giving me my sex education. He turned me on in a way I can still access after all these years. I smolder and sizzle from the sheer sensuality of it, although it is my vibrators that take me over the finish line now because as I said at the outset I have never been blessed to find 'Mr. Right'; or him, find me. It's the ONE thing I still want to have in my life that's been missing from my fulfillment factor. It's not looking at all likely at this point, though, which bums me out bigtime. In this post I'm sharing something I wrote to my first husband and something that I wrote to my 'Mr. Right', whom I've clearly never encountered. I have such a deep capacity for passion, with the right person, that I feel it is a true tragedy I have no human outlet to express it. God bless, the merciful person who invented vibrators! If not for them, I would have lost my mind from all the pent-up passion I have no other outlet for. While it has its limitations, doing that, always, puts a smile on my face!
The Bible Belt*, which both my first husband, Jim, and I were raised in seems set on strangling many, normal, human desires out of a person in its quest to impose a strict (and often very hypocritical) piety on the adherents. This tightly buttoned up** behavior was reflected in Jim's approach to me, which I really resented. We never had sex any other way than in the 'Missionary Position'***. Even the name of it is so puritanical! There was no spontaneity, no adventure, no exploration, no fun, having sex with him. I didn't know that he was bad in bed, because I had no one else to compare it to, but when I met, my second, Jim he not only turned me on but he set me free to fully embrace my female sexuality without judgement or inhibition. The bed was our playground, and we spent most of our hours together there, reveling in the joy of our mutual and well-matched passion. To this day, he is unforgettable, for me, over 40 years later, because of his skill, in lovemaking. I did not know what was wrong, in my relationship with my first husband, Jim, that caused me to avoid sex with him, for the majority of our marriage. I only knew, it didn't feel good, and I didn't enjoy doing it with him, so I tried to get out of it. His mentality didn't only affect us in bed though. His rigid mindset stifled me at every turn. It felt like my very soul was kept under House Arrest, as he constantly tried to hold me back, and keep me down, so that I was unable to blossom into myself. It was such a relief, to me, when that marriage finally ended. I had gone from my parents' house into this marriage with him and had never been on my own before that. As I moved into my very first apartment, I felt lost, at first. I was totally out of touch with my own, unique, identity, because I'd never been allowed to have it, either by my parents or by Jim. It took me years to really find my own voice, and speak my mind, with the assurance that I had the absolute right to do so. I smile, as I think about that now, because once I finally found my voice, to speak up and speak out, anybody that knows me can tell you that, I NEVER STOP using it! Even this blog attests to that. I wrote this to my first husband, 45 or so years ago now:
Jim:
You've made me ashamed of my human need,
You've made me afraid to act upon my inner voids**** and urges.
You've imprisoned me & chained me to you alone with your jealousy-- which destroys everything beautiful in life, frightens or hastens it all away.
You've destroyed my dreams; made me feel wrong, hopeless, sinful to dream; put price tags on all my worldly aspirations or talked of why my dreams are impractical or impossible. It is no wonder I am dead & despondent inside; one cannot live without one's dreams.
My inner self seeks fulfillment of its needs, tries to act upon its needs to define itself, to come to know itself & find peace in realizing gratification of its needs. Yet in fear & jealousy, that I need more than you are & you offer, to fulfill my human voids, you try to brainwash me, dictate to me, your rules that apply to me (but not yourself) so that I am bound too tight with them to step from your rule, your domination of my life. You keep me from sunlight; I am withering. You try to water me alone, but I need the sunlight from outside too.
You don't inspire growth within me, or any maturing. [NOTE: He married me when I was only 18 years old. Just a teenager! He, was 27.] I am convinced you are the worst thing possible for me in my life. I don't need you.
Four years of my life were tied up in that loveless marriage. I do not want to EVER be MARRIED again-- legally chained to someone by a piece of paper, that a lawyer needs hundreds of dollars to undo, if it's bad. I AM monogamous though, and I do want to find, one, special man, to be with! I also don't want to live with anyone at this point in my life, though. I LIKE being SINGLE! I PREFER living ALONE! In alot of ways, I am just not a 'typical' female, including because I am very cerebral but also sexually hot-blooded. Besides all that, I am not religious, but I am extremely spiritual. There's always ALOT going on with me, both inside and out, but, despite all that, God has always been at the core of who I am and He's the reason for my existence. He decided that Deb (me) was a good thing to put on the earth, at this particular time in human history, and so here I am; still trying to connect with my purpose for being on the planet. >sigh!< At this point, I don't know if I EVER will, given the way life has been going for me, so far. Lately, I am just proud of myself for not giving up on life altogether. My brother killed himself (I wrote a blog post, about him, and about that, previously). I was told that my father attempted to do that too, at some point, when I was just a child. I have chosen to survive, alot, in my life, and it's all taken a huge toll, on me. Hence, my blog being titled, "Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections". What helps me to keep going is being grateful. Gratitude for God's goodness to me gets me through most of the tempest and the turmoil. When even that does not lift my spirits, music will almost always elevate my mood. My other, 'Go To', coping mechanism is using my vibrator. Puts me right to sleep, grinning like a possum, and giggling with glee like a schoolgirl, EVERY TIME. There is nothing like 'NO FAIL' ORGASMS. With men, it's never a sure thing. Having dark chocolate around to nibble on doesn't hurt either!
I really am not sure if God made a man meant for me. I have had more men want me than most women ever do, and several even married me. But I still don't think that I have EVER been 'LOVED WELL'. My second husband (the second Jim) was a great LOVER, but he did NOT love me the way that I have needed to be loved, out of bed. That has alot to do with why I divorced him even though he was GREAT in bed. When I was sorting through all my old, saved, mementos last Autumn, I saw a, lengthy, letter that I had written on some notebook paper. Apparently I poured my heart out in it to someone, somewhere, that I still have never met to this day. I wrote this letter sometime in 2008, so I was 52. My beloved cockatiel, CeeBee, was still in my life, at the time that I wrote this, but he died almost a dozen years ago, now. I'm transcribing the letter word for word exactly as I wrote it. Here it is:
Open Letter To My Man From God
(who hasn't found me yet, or vice versa)
The two most significant relationships in my life are with my God and with my bird. Because of their unconditional, never-failing love for me, they have my undying gratitude/loyalty. With people it's harder-- way harder-- both to be loved unconditionally & to love unconditionally. In fact, the high divorce rate & other social indicators show that really, with humans, that's either very, very rare or just totally impossible. Knowing that my God is the One I have asked to send 'the' man He designed for me gives me courage and peace & when I feel dubious there even IS anyone like you. I remind myself that God gives us the desires within our heart, & that my feelings about you are part of His GPS (Godly Positioning System) that will help me to 'recognize' you as you when you finally manifest physically in my life.
I often tell CeeBee, my bird boy, that one of the very BEST reasons I KNOW HOW MUCH God Loves ME is that out of ALL the 'mommies' that have ever lived on this Earth, He let me be HIS 'mommy'! The other night, as I prayed asking God to bring 'you' into my life to be a family with God, CeeBee, and I, I thought to myself that I would know it is 'you' finally here in my life when I can say that I can tell God Loves me because out of ALL the women in the world God created 'you' to love ME. When some things feel 'right', you know-- just as you feel when something is not right. . . . I have told God often that as much as I am intimate, passionate, & 'in love' with Him, I am incapable of loving ANY man unless I REALLY can SEE that He (God) is living in him and looking at me through Jesus' (eyes of) love living in him. There is NO other way it can or will happen. I haven't dated now for several years-- I could have; I just didn't WANT to. I don't EVER want 'a' man just to have 'a' man. Actually, MUCH of my life NOW has been better NOT having one (compared to having a WRONG one, for me). There is ONLY ONE man that I EVER want. He is unique. He is special. He is a God-designed one-of-a-kind, complementary to (how God designed) me. Except for 'you' I will otherwise remain single, humanly speaking, as God is my Husband now already, as the Bible declares, & I just wouldn't make a place in my life or heart for anyone less than my true 'soulmate' because I've been-there-done-that, & it was NOT worth it. I am actually really happy being celibate and single. I have been both those things for years now, and the man God would design for me would find that to be important to us both. I am not about just having sex with someone else while waiting for the 'right' mate because you bring all that to the table . . . and the bedroom.
I'm VERY different from 'most' women in MANY SIGNIFICANT ways. . . . I am NOT 'business as usual' for the most part, although I AM a woman so I DO possess 'female' traits and attributes.
When I was a little girl in NC I grew up going to school with the Lt. Governor's twin girls. By the time we were pre-teens, their father was elected Governor of the state, & we slid down the big banisters in the Governor's Mansion and played pranks on the security detail and house staff. As a young woman I turned down Nanny jobs with famous and rich employers based on weighing ALL factors of the situation. I don't get the clamoring to be around them nor am I ever deeply impressed with the high profile of their public lives or positions. They get headaches, diarrhea, gas, bad breath, and are imperfect just like ALL the REST of us. I was a Nanny for a Washington power player & his wife once. Photos of this man at oval tables at the U.S. president's side were in their home office. I flew with them from East to West coast just for them to go to a wedding they were invited to. When you're a live-in Nanny you REALLY KNOW people during their REAL life 'Down Time' and it is NOT glamorous even if it takes place within the walls of a mansion. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE! Truly!
I am a regular-looking woman-- middle-aged now, at that. I 'fix up well' (a guy once told me!) to 'attractive' but I am NOT (physically) 'beautiful'! I would never WANT a Brad Pitt or some such guy that women are idiots over because he would ALWAYS-- committed or not, to me & our relationship-- have Angelina Jolies that ARE (physically) beautiful WORKING to wedge in between us, & I don't want to ALWAYS have to wonder . . . on a 'weak' day-- when we've had a disagreement or can't be together-- whether he will give in to her or initiate such a betrayal himself. There is too much at stake. Diseases can kill now. And I DON'T need another man in my life just to have MY heart broken and my life and home turned upside down again. . . .
So with ME-- as we're talking about MY man here-- it won't be held FOR you or AGAINST you if you have power, fame, or money. All that's an EQUAL playing field, to me, because of who I am, my life experiences; all that I have done & seen in my own life. I don't WANT a 'Pretty Boy' OR an UGLY boy. I want a regular-to-attractive-enough looking man, physically, who is healthy & fit & does NOT have EITHER bulging 'jock' muscles OR a 9-months-pregnant 'gut' hanging over his belt.
It would not 'work' with a sports nut who has to park in front of a TV for every game. I want someone I can grow a backyard vegetable garden with, side-by-side in the soil, and go on a picnic with where the bread is fresh home-baked & the tomatoes & lettuce on the sandwiches we grew ourselves. Squire Rushnell and his wife wrote on couples praying together-- you must do that with me. My little bird boy MUST be a 'little one' you will interact with, protect, and enjoy-- telling me he's drowned because you left the toilet seat up, knowing he was out of the cage & has full flight, & you fell asleep on the sofa WON'T CUT IT and IS A DEAL BREAKER FOR SURE! 'Little ones' MUST be considered, cared for, & PROTECTED, and I DO NOT WANT a STUPID man! I've met far too MANY 'stupid' men, & I will NOT suffer another STUPID man in my life. Example: If you think it's FUNNY that other men risk death, & leaving their wives widowed & children fatherless, because some IDIOT hang glides into a narrow gorge and gets STUCK halfway down its rock wall-- JUST FOR KICKS AND GIGGLES-- which the financially-strapped local citizens have to PAY THOUSANDS FOR a massive rescue effort involving a dozen people for hours so this IDIOT can be safely rescued to then just walk away & laugh, planning his NEXT attempt-- MOVE ON!!! NOW!!! You are STUCK ON STUPID and are NOT ANY MAN I would E-V-E-R have in MY life, even if we were the LAST two people on OUR PLANET! There are TOO MANY STUPID GUYS! GEEZ! They DISGUST ME! Truly!
Whether you live in the canyons of NYC (I love NYC!) or just a LITTLE farm where the crickets are the symphony after dark is IRRELEVANT to me. I can dress up or dress down, clean up or get dirty. If you want to go green & live simply along the lines of Henry David Thoreau at Walden's Pond or Ed Begley, Hollywood actor, I'm game to adapt. I DON'T like being in very TALL buildings. A few floors height is about all I'm comfortable with. I have slept on a floor covered by a piece of carpet to keep warm, [and] in luxurious mansions, and most levels in between. I have lived with the rich in their lifestyle to a shared extent. I have lived middle class and I have been poor enough to eat ketchup on a spoon because there WAS nothing else. I have had my own experience of 'fame', 'glamor', [having a] 'following', limos, when dancing on stage in nightclubs, for the entire spectrum of the male population. . . . I have lain face down on my livingroom floor, alone with my tears, pouring out myself before God because I am so HUNGRY to GO DEEPER with Him in our relationship and my heart ACHES to GET there!
If you are so in love with Jesus that you would give me UP if you KNEW 'we' were NOT God's Will for one another, then YOUR priority matches MINE. If you are GENUINELY KIND, GROUNDED, appreciate SIMPLE things, no matter WHAT your lifestyle or economic level, and ARE NOT LIKE MOST MEN, and you KNOW it and are GLAD about it, you MIGHT be MY man from God.
There's more I could write to you, but CeeBee needs me now to cook him some lunch, and LIVING THINGS (in our care) CAN'T WAIT! I've asked God to bring you NOW, and I've been turning away ALL others (even this week) because YOU are MY man from God and the ONLY one I want in my private, personal, life. And, I will KNOW you when you find me, through God's GPS, just as I 'recognized' CeeBee as mine when I FIRST MET HIM-- and we're 17 years, sharing goofy, passionate, intense LOVE now!
Yours in Christ our Lord,
me.
I wrote that 15 years ago, and I still have not ever met this man, so I don't know whether he exists or not, but the odds, of that, are not in my favor. Therefore, all things considered, I am going to focus on finding a man that's good company and makes me laugh, who makes me feel safe with him, and never abuses me, in any way, shape, or form. THAT is going to be hard enough, for me, to find. That is the only thing I don't have in my life that I feel like I need, to be as happy as possible in my remaining years on the planet. I still have so much passion in me, and such a capacity to laugh, and play, and have fun, that it would be a waste, not to share those things, about me, with someone special. The smile's been wiped off my face by being mistreated, and I don't laugh nearly enough anymore. I miss 'me', and I want to get back to feeling like my happy self, again. To get there, I need to have better relationships in my life, and not just with a man that will become my lover. I have been shocked at how many people-- almost all, of whom, claim to be good Christians-- have treated me so very badly, rather than be compassionate, loving, or merciful toward me. I have no desire to be anything like them or to have them in my life. Alot of people on social media sites talk about this often, saying that it turns them off, to anything to do with God, seeing how, these 'religious' folk treat others. I am to the point that, I would be much more comfortable standing before God in my sinful state than being in the presence of the so-called 'Christians' with their piety. Their behavior, and treatment of me, has alot to do with my becoming how I am, now. I could care less, about their holier-than-thou judgements, of me. I think they really ought to be more concerned about God's Judgement of them. I have to stand before Him for my sins someday and they're accountable for theirs.
All I know, right now, is that, my 'Mr. Right' never showed up, in my life, and my heart is so broken, now, that anyone, I can find, who will just treat me well, and make me laugh, would be a great improvement, in my life. So, that is my goal. I know it would help squelch the rumors, too, that are rampant, because of people gossiping about me. Isn't it funny, that Christians don't seem to ever think about the fact that, THEIR, GOSSIP, is ALSO a SIN, in God's eyes? I am just focused on living my life and their opinions of me really don't matter to me. If anything, that just pisses me off more, and makes me want to avoid having anything to do with any of them. I just don't need it. There's that saying, "If not now, when?" I need to focus on being as happy as I can, with what life IS giving me, and stop feeling sad about the things that it is not giving me. It really is 'Now or never' to live my life, and that's what I intend to do. I think, I've lost all hope, that 'Mr. Right' even exists, or is ever going to come into my life. So, I just need to make the best out of what possibilities there are, for me. It is what it is. Maybe I am just unlovable.
Dare I hope?
Maybe Tina Turner was right . . . .
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
What's love but a second hand emotion?
What's love got to do, got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
*The Bible Belt is a region of the Southern United States in which socially conservative Protestant Christianity plays a strong role in society. Church attendance across the denominations is generally higher than the nation's average.
** buttoned up: reserved or inhibited
*** Missionary Position: The Random House Unabridged Dictionary (second edition) explains that it was “so-called because it was allegedly favored by Christian missionaries working among indigenous peoples, in preference to positions in which the man approaches the woman from behind.”
**** void: an unfilled space in a wall, building, or other structure.
an emptiness caused by the loss or lack of something.
