Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: November 2023

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12 ESV

God knows everything, including what I think or feel, and whether I wish that I did not think or feel some of those things. Like the psalmist in the Bible, I write alot of these things down. That's often the way I process them and how I try to get some of them out of my system, once and for all, if they're unwelcome or painful for me. Here's more of my creative writing (below) which I had told you some months ago I would share with you, from the haiku, lyrics, and poems, I have written over the years, and finally gathered together in one place, to be able to, finish some, tweak others, toss some out, altogether, and share some. PRIVATE thoughts and feelings are reflected in some of them. In fact I write them for that very reason in order to grapple with, the implications, and complications, of, whatever, 'this' is, in my life.

Haiku

The sweet sounds of birds,

Twittering up in the trees,

Soothe my stressed-out soul.

The fall leaves dress up,

and dance in their brightest clothes,

to celebrate life.

The leaves can teach us so much about life. They come into this world when the spring arrives with its season of hopefulness, ever attempting to reach their full potential. In the summer, they shelter and shade others from the sweltering sun and strong storms. When fall comes they dress up in festive colors and dance in the breeze before their departure, aware that their time on the earth is finite yet celebrating that, it was theirs, for a time. When the cold winter comes, they still provide memories for us of their blessing and beauty while creatures find comfort and warmth underneath their crunchy brown remains. The newly appearing buds on dead-looking tree limbs remind us that, the cycle of life, will start again, soon.

These lyrics are meant to be humorous and lighthearted but will probably 'offend' the 'religious' types, who usually turn out to be, the world's biggest hypocrites....

🎵 I Want To Be Sexy In Heaven 🎵

I want to be sexy in Heaven.

I still want men to look my way,

When my soul has departed

From its earthly shell of clay.

How could Heaven be happy,

If it isn't any fun?

If men stopped chasing me, in Heaven,

And all the 'flirty stuff' was done.

I wonder if Heaven's too holy,

For it to really be much fun?

I still want to go dancing,

When this life on earth is done!

God knows I'm only human.

I like music and blue jeans.

I want to laugh and sing in Heaven,

Without the 'religious' being mean.

There is nothing more fun! -- if it is mutual.

"I remember the jokes, laughs, smiles,... and I doubt you remember any of that.”

David and I used to tell each other that we made each other grin really big. It was a very good sign, that we enjoyed each other. I think that relationship really could have been something, but it got ruined, by us, both, needing something the other one either could not or would not give. We made getting our own way about those issues a personal priority, rather than, accommodate each other, and compromise, and it cost us both the relationship. I have thought of him so often, but I feel that maybe we just weren't meant to be, because love would have found a way. Right?

Love Does That

I stare off into space,

With a big grin on my face,

Whenever you cross my mind.

The butterflies I feel,

At the thought of you,

Make my knees weak every time.

You bring me so much joy,

And you make me laugh.

I hate to be apart.

No one in this world,

Matters more to me.

Love does that to a heart.

- Deborah Robinson

You Happened To My Heart

I didn't see it coming.

I didn't have a clue,

That you would catch my eye,

And I'd fall in love with you.

I should have had my guard up,

From the very start.

But I didn't do that, and

You happened to my heart.

You became my heaven,

And you became my hell.

I was in a freefall, and

I wasn't doing well.

I tried to keep from sliding

Down that slippery slope,

But I couldn't keep my footing,

And I couldn't seem to cope.

I tried to stop the feelings.

I swear I did my best.

I didn't want to feel them.

They made things such a mess.

I stay away from you now.

I'm trying to be smart.

I don't need the pain because

You happened to my heart.

- Deborah Robinson

God Didn't Make You For Me

I never meant to love you.

I wish I never had.

I didn't see it coming.

I wasn't feeling glad.

Because it's clear to see,

God didn't make you for me.

Memories I once cherished

Now look like tarnished gold.

The butterflies are gone now.

They don't stay where it's cold.

I had to set them free.

God didn't make you for me.

Your heart is something special.

A treasure to be sure.

The way you care for others

Is genuine and pure.

I never had the key.

God didn't make you for me.

No one ever touched me

Like you touched my soul.

The laughter felt so good and

The smiles made me feel whole.

But there never was a 'we'.

God didn't make you for me.

I want you to be happy,

When she's lying in your arms.

Her loving all your strengths,

You enjoying all her charms.

That's the way it should be.

God made you for her and not me.

- Deborah Robinson

“And something inside me just . . . broke. That’s the only way I could describe it.”

I have realized in recent months that in many ways I have dehumanized males in a very similar way to how we women complain that men do that to us. It is doing them a grave disservice, as the other half of humanity. I have been quick to label them, have made unflattering assumptions about them and not accepted them as the people that they are. My doing that cost me love, including in my relationship with David that was blooming so well up until the point that I did that to him. (He failed me too. Our relationship ended because of impactful mutual shortcomings.)

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, and I want to STOP, but I also need opportunities for an interactive relationship with a man that will make it possible for me to work on that, with them, and try to put that bad habit behind me. Because I have been let down and abused by men in so many ways in my life I don't give that gender alot of credit for having many other men that are not like that and would not treat me those ways. I am not making excuses for my poor behavior(s) of late, that I have been very disappointed to see in me and want to rid myself of, when I point out: I have been deeply affected by YEARS of ISOLATION FROM COVID (which continues

to this day...) and, other, respiratory viruses, etc., no healthy family relationships, celibacy for more than 25 years now and not being in a romantic relationship with anyone for more than half my life now (I'll be 68 next year), I don't have a car, to get out and explore or take a vacation. I feel burned out by the endless routine of each day, for years now, that feels like I'm stuck in a loop of living like that movie 'Groundhog Day' portrays. I am a flesh and blood human being, who has, several, deep, real, needs, that are not being met, AT ALL, for an extremely long period of time (if they EVER have), and it is all causing damage to my soul that is leading to my having fits of temper now because of my deep frustration and anger that even erupts into rage at times as I look Heavenward, in exasperation, and let God know how tired I am of living this way, when every day is closer to my last day on earth and real, hopeless, despair about, ever, having my needs or wants met, is settling on me like a very oppressive thick black fog, almost all the time, anymore. I NEED to SMILE and LAUGH and GET OUT ALOT MORE and TAKE A VACATION and GO TO THE BEACH, and HAVE SOME REAL FUN, and BE HUGGED, by people, and KISSED PASSIONATELY by a man, and be told "I LOVE YOU!" and so many things that just seem like they are NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN for ME. It just feels TOO HOPELESS and TOO LATE for the rest of my heart's desires to come true. I was 65 before the desire of my heart to have a home of my own finally happened and that happened ONLY because God did a MIRACLE for me to have this amazing blessing in my life.

“What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?”

Sometimes MY LIFE feels like some SICK JOKE. I have really been battling feeling very depressed lately. I almost never smile anymore, and I rarely laugh. I literally stand in front of a full-length mirror and GIVE MYSELF HUGS, so that, my physical body can experience SOME of the sensation of that very needed human nurturing. Needless to say, that doesn't have quite the healing impact that, being hugged by someone else-- someone special to me-- would have on both my body and soul. I feel SO SCARED inside, ALMOST ALL THE TIME, anymore. I feel like . . . it is JUST TOO LATE for ANY of MY DREAMS to COME TRUE. It is hard to motivate, when ALL HOPE SEEMS LOST. I keep trying to do my best with what I am handed to have to deal with, but I am NOT DOING WELL, right now, and I am, honestly, not sure, if I will MAKE IT THROUGH this. This year, I have felt FAR MORE FRAGILE than I EVER have IN MY ENTIRE LIFE-- and that is saying alot, because I have BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH in my life. I don't know what people see, when they look at me, now, or interact with me, but I am as fragile as a feather, now, which is terrifying, in itself, since so many people around me have dealt treacherously with me by eviscerating my reputation, which prevents people from wanting to have relationships with me, that could be the very ones that help pull me out of this dark place I am in now. It appears that those defaming me have wanted me to end up like I am now, so they have no motivation to stop 'trash talking' me to others, with lies and other crap. It is devastatingly cruel and evil, and even more mind-blowing to me is the fact that, the worst, of them, are quick to call themselves 'Christians', too. I am sitting here, shaking my head at the thought, of that claim of theirs. They have nearly 'finished me off' this year. I know now that, they CAN, destroy me, and they seem to WANT to do that. I could never imagine doing to anyone what they've done, to me, here. Do they NOT KNOW that THE LORD SEES THEM doing all these ugly things to me?

“I wish I could go back to a time when I could smile and it didn’t take everything in me to do it.”

'Sad' doesn't even BEGIN to describe how HEARTBROKEN these people have made me. Then, I get blamed for MY REACTION, to it. I get treated like my reaction to it is actually my having an 'attitude' about it, rather than, it actually being that, I AM TRULY TRAUMATIZED, by these types of ABUSES, of me. I just want to live my life in peace, and they have ROBBED ME OF THAT. I keep trying, my best, to FIND MY FOOTING again, but so far it has eluded me. I just try to stay focused on my goals and keep going, working on achieving those things, and looking forward to when I CAN HAVE A VACATION and RENEW MY SPIRIT, sometime in the future. >sigh!< I have 'propped myself up' emotionally by watching nonstop Christmas movies on 3 different networks (Hallmark, Great American Family, and Lifetime), but I also cry at some point in my watching them, out of wistfulness that I WANT THAT KIND OF LIFE, where there are supportive, caring people in my life and it culminates with a passionate kiss, between me and a very good man, who is totally in love with me. ALL I can do is LIVE VICARIOUSLY through these movies, and try to imagine what that might be like, as I have nothing in my real life to help me know, what it's like.

“And in the end, we were all just humans… drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness.”

EVERY DAY, THAT PASSES, is PRECIOUS, and IRREPLACEABLE, and WASTED in SO MANY WAYS. I look at this world, with all the wars, and terrorism, and hatred, and want, and need, and I have NEVER FELT SO HOPELESS in my ENTIRE LIFE as I DO NOW. HOW can I HOPE to EVER find MY happiness in a world GONE MAD? It ISN'T EQUIPPED to GIVE ME THAT HAPPINESS. IT COULD CARE LESS. NO ONE CARES, I find myself muttering under my breath, as I go about another day that seems just like all the ones before it, for the last few YEARS, now. So many of the very things that bring JOY to life seem OUT OF REACH for me. I was SO CLOSE to finding love with DAVID, until it suddenly collapsed under the accumulating weight of BOTH of our EXPECTATIONS of THE OTHER one. Alot, of our messages, to one another, are copy and pasted into the following blog post: Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: Is There ANY Man Who's RIGHT For ME? We seemed to be so close to finding real love with one another. If I can't have love I will settle for lust.

“Behind my smile is a breaking heart, behind my laugh I’m falling apart, behind my eyes are tears at night, behind my body is a soul trying to fight.”

I came across a guy online on Facebook who is my idea of the hottest guy on the planet-- for MY taste in men. (I have a friend who says, she doesn't see, the 'sex appeal' in him but I SURE DO!) So much so that I made his photo my lock screen background on my 27" computer monitor. He goes by 'Jdaddy74', on social media sites, but his actual name is John Noble. He's married and lives in Arizona, but he became my 'GO TO' FANTASY GUY, now, and I do not feel guilty about it, because his wife and grown daughters know he posts videos of him dancing sexy and they are occasionally in those videos, with him, as well as, some of his male friends or family members. I am so grateful to him, though, for BEING WHAT I NEED a MAN to BE, just so, I KNOW that, THEY ARE OUT THERE, if I should ever BE SO LUCKY. He loves country music, like I do, now, and he has a hairy chest-- but he recently waxed it or something, to remove that, which was a huge disappointment, to me, because I think that a hairy chest is so manly. He's about 50 years old, and refers to himself, on some of his videos, as being a 'grandpa'. He's ALOT of fun to watch because he LOVES to dance, just like I do, and he dances alot like the men in the 'Magic Mike' movies. He also TELLS OFF his HATERS (who are outnumbered by all of his Followers!) who put him down because of dancing like that when they don't HAVE TO watch. While the rest of us are smiling, because of the JOY he brings us, the haters accuse him of having a midlife crisis and other negative crap. He's just very kind, and masculine, and even silly-- which, I also love, about him. He's fun!

I could watch him ALL DAY! He just seems like A REALLY GOOD MAN, to ME!

Here are some of the Comments he gets from his Followers on Facebook . . . .

We all

you.

You make this senior smile, love from Culpeper Virginia

Awesome videos! You're great!

Love watching you dance. Keep it up.

I Support your courage to be authentically you. Woo Hooo

You look good in your jeans!!! Your moves are great!! Love watching you!!!

I love your videos!! Keep up the good vibes!!!!

Thanks for all the smiles you put on ppl faces

Good morning handsome!

The negative folks are just jealous, don't worry about those folk.

You and your beautiful family always has my family support

We get a kick out of your videos we are from Johnson City Tennessee God bless

Youre a nice man, ignore the haters! You put a smile on lots of faces...we need more joy in the world

Good morning. Never worry about what other people think. Live your life to the fullest..

You be you.

We enjoy your videos

Keep doing what you do forget the negative people. You create smiles and makes my day

Looking good

You look like ya'll are having fun. Thank you for all smiles you give us.

Nice handsome looking

fun loving man.

Awesome picture of a good man

. Just saying!!!! I call it like I see it!!!!

Sexy that's all in one word

I like all of your videos I don't like other people being mean u do this because you like to dance and have fun I will be watching for new dances keep it up Jdaddy74

I thought about getting a photo of him, to hang on the wall at the end of my bed, so I would see his, bare-chested, blue-jeaned, body, FIRST THING UPON WAKING UP EACH DAY. Just the sight of him MAKES ME SMILE. Because he is the photo on my computer lock screen now, I hate to put in my password on my PC, to go past his photo, when I turn my computer on each day (as HE TURNS ME ON, each day, now, too! LOL!). He has SO MANY ATTRIBUTES that I WANT in a man. Somebody, looking, and acting, like him, would MAKE ME SO HAPPY, and BE SO FUN FOR ME!

>sigh!< His photo, that is the one ON MY PC SCREEN now, is below. Um, um, um, um, UM!!! HE IS SOOOOO HOT to me! HE MAKES ME SMILE! Almost nothing does anymore-- but HE ALWAYS DOES! I have fantasies about WHAT I WOULD DO to a BODY like THAT on a MAN, and I won't even GO INTO THE DETAILS of THAT here, lest I be accused of 'WRITING PORN' in my blog now! He has a boyish charm, but HE IS ALL MAN. I am SITTING HERE SMILING now because I just added his photo here in this post for you to see and now I can't stop staring at it . . . . I can't even write any more on this blog, right now, because I can't think clearly after being so . . . DISTRACTED . . . by this man's hot body. Since I came across him online, I've saved so many of his dance videos on Facebook. So many that, the site sent me a notice that, I had 'recently saved over 200 videos', when I barely had ANY videos, saved, before. He posts ALOT of them, and his dancing looks much the same in all of them, but that it JUST FINE WITH ME. He certainly WEARS THE CHARGE DOWN on my vibrator, as my new, 'Go To' FANTASY MAN. Oh, man! I have to log off now, for the night. I can't keep a clear thought in my head after seeing his photo, to be able to write anymore, right now. >sigh!< I put links to some of his videos below.

He is the closest thing to HAPPINESS, for me, IN MY LIFE, now, so I'm grateful, to him and for him. There's an EPIDEMIC of FRUSTRATED and UNFULFILLED WOMEN like ME in this country. HE CHEERS US UP when NO ONE and NOTHING ELSE does, and he leaves us SMILING, at least. We NEED more men like HIM in THIS WORLD!

Hi, I'm John Noble. Jdaddy74 on social media sites.

OH, BABY!

YES, PLEASE!

Here are some videos of him . . . .

https://www.facebook.com/reel/972747617116733

https://www.facebook.com/reel/6862014977226837

https://www.facebook.com/reel/385461357159285

https://www.facebook.com/reel/841488077753953

Here's a short video clip from the 'Magic Mike' movie series, also, that is similar to how 'Jdaddy74' dances. I have these movies on DVD. I don't even know or care, if they actually have a plot line, to them. LOL! I just want to watch, all, of the dance scenes. Channing Tatum, has that very attractive ability to be so sincere and sexy at the same time. Not just one or the other. He's one of my fantasies, due to that.

Magic Mike Dance Clip - YouTube

I still have alot of other creative writing starts, and scribbles, on various pieces of paper, that I can share more of, at some point. I am going to hit "Publish" and get this November blog post online, though, because I am really exhausted right now. The cold weather, has caused me concern about the pipes, in my house, so for the last several nights, now (as well as facing another night of it, still, tonight), I have stayed up all night until well past dawn to monitor the situation and do what I can to prevent any issues from developing. I do not have money for contractors, to fix things that break. I'm so sleep deprived right now that I feel like a zombie. I don't know if this post even sounds coherent, because I was utterly exhausted as I was writing it. >sigh!< I ordered a full-size artificial Christmas tree to put up this year, because I haven't decorated at all since I moved here, aside from a yard sign, the year before last, that said 'Jesus is the reason for the season' or some such thing.

It is still in the box, and December is almost upon us, now, so I am wondering if I will even end up putting it up this year. I feel so burned out, by everything I have been through, and been put through, by people. Christmas is my favorite holiday! (I don't like the cold, though.) I just don't feel 'festive', right now. I feel like I am, still, just trying to SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD, that seems increasingly loveless and dark, to me. God is SO GOOD TO ME, and I DO have SO MUCH to be GRATEFUL to Him for! My GRATITUDE to God is what motivates me the most. (The sight of John Noble dancing, is what motivates me the second most! WHATEVER WORKS!) I am just feeling REALLY FRAGILE right now, so I'm trying to focus on taking care of me and hoping that things will 'fall into place' for me, in the new year, more than they have, for awhile now. I wish for you readers ALL the LIGHT and LOVE your life can hold! If YOU have someone special, in your life, please, realize, HOW MANY OF US DON'T, have that, and make sure to TELL them WHAT THEY MEAN TO YOU. I hope they tell YOU what YOU mean to them, too. I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE THAT FOR ME.

P.S. I saw this on social media, after I published this post, and it really resonated with me. It's the one thing that I really need that I feel like I've never had in life.

Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections

Wednesday, November 29, 2023

The thoughts and intentions of the heart....

Monday, November 20, 2023

A Message To My Readers