As a little girl, growing up in the South, I recall noticing how gracious almost all of the grandmotherly women around me were, such as at the church picnics and our extended family gatherings. I admired that, about them; not realizing at the time, that it was a conscious choice, which took effort on their part to achieve. In fact, I went through most of my life, assuming that elderly women were going to be that way. That they were even 'supposed to be' that way as their own special, positive, contribution, to our society at large, either because, it was simply their nature, or, because, they had lived through so much, by then, and, they had gained so much knowledge and wisdom, about life, that they simply understood the importance of living life in such a serene and genteel fashion. As I got older, I realized, that their benign behavior wasn't something as simple to explain, as just being blessed with some God-given infusion of ethereal saintliness that took no effort on their part. I began to see them more as human beings, except they seemed to have perfected the skill of continually walking in grace. They were more than willing to muster all of the necessary self-discipline required to, always, carry themselves with dignity.
Making assumptions is always a slippery slope, about anyone or anything. For one thing, I also observed and encountered some elderly females, along the way, who were downright indifferent, as well as, those who were mean, cold, and hateful. A few were even malevolent rather than benevolent. All of this made me uneasy, as I suspected that their golden years were not shining with joy, peace, and love, for them. That, it was not 'a given' that, post-menopausal, females necessarily glided into their sunset years being gracious creatures, of sweetness, and light. Not only did it make me uncomfortable when I would encounter 'a sweet old lady' (judging by appearance; before, she opened her mouth, and interacted, with anyone) who turned out to be a real bitch, but I was well aware that my day would come--- if I lived that long--- to also, have to, pick up the mantle, of womanly elderhood, and take my place along with all those others that have gone before me, in the annals of time, to represent us all, myself. People will have expectations, OF ME, as well! Still, I always assumed (there's THAT WORD again) that whether it was because I am a Christian, feeling the influence, of Christ's nature, within me, to keep me on course, or because I am a keen observer of others, and already knew which of all those older women I ADMIRED, and, wanted to be like, that I would certainly NOT be one of the surly senior citizens, that I was personally taken aback by, myself. I felt like my self-discipline would be more than sufficient to deal with the onslaught of my latter years! I considered all the grouchier gals to simply be 'self-indulgent'.
Although I have been going gray for decades as well as dealing with some aches, pains, and varicose veins, that daunting day has, now, 'officially' arrived, for me, being that my 65th birthday was just a few days prior to my publishing this post.
So, I am a full-fledged senior citizen myself, now.
>sigh<
It's my turn. Whether I like it or not, or, am ready or not, I, too, am now a living, breathing, representative, of, 'elderly people'. Others are certain to make a lot of stereotypical assumptions about me, in relation to that; just as I had done, when I was younger, about older women, who were, then, my age, now. I, am the one, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually inhabiting that space, only I don't seem able to maintain that serene, smiling, self, that those older women whom I saw and so admired as I was growing up seemed able to do without alot of effort.
My struggle, to maintain positivity in my outlook and behavior, is understandable to some extent. They weren't in the middle of a deadly pandemic for over a year, as I am, at this point. They, weren't totally quarantined, as I am, now. Kept from having hugs, with friends, and being limited to, mostly, social media interactions, instead. They didn't have the added stress, of trying to live through these trying, terrifying, circumstances, that, I am experiencing; which feels, now, like a never-ending version, of the movie Groundhog Day*. I'm not someone who cries easily, but I have cried at least once if not more, every day this week, simply due to the added frustration from arctic air arriving, uninvited, and unwelcome, and sticking around, for a week or so, already, with more--- and EVEN COLDER--- frigid air in the forecast. I don't like to be cold, and when I am cold it exacerbates any aches and pains that I have, adding to that discomfort. As I type this, I have on 4 pairs of socks, 3 shirts, 2 pairs of long pants, . . . and, there is no, partridge, in a pear tree** at the end of that litany of my future laundry that will need to be washed. Sometimes I slip, and express my displeasure with the current circumstances by use of the word "damn". When this happens, I repent, of it, because of the Bible saying, in Jude 1:9: "But Michael the Archangel, when contending with the Devil and arguing with him about the body of Moses, did not dare to pronounce judgement on him in abusive terms, but simply said, "The Lord rebuke you." I don't have the right to damn (condemn) anyone, no matter how much they have pissed me off. That right, and responsibility, belongs to God, alone, as our Judge.
That was an archangel using verbal restraint, though; not, one of us, a flesh and blood human being. We are a Fallen creation, infected with, and besieged by, the sins of ourselves, and others. The psalmist, and king, David, who is described, in scripture, as a man after God's own heart, said, "I will watch my ways, and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth while in the presence of the wicked. So I remained utterly silent, not even saying anything good. But my anguish increased; my heart grew hot within me. While I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue . . . ." (Psalm 39:1-3 NIV) Life can surely get the better of us, with everything we are forced to deal with. Especially, those things which we would rather not have happening in our lives. They can upset us to the point that we are not 'shining our light' so much, anymore, as 'thundering our cloud'. Bible verses instruct and admonish us to be careful of our words, but, it can be easier said than done as the frustration, anger, hurt or impatience build up within us, until, like King David, we feel like we will explode, if we don't 'get it off our chest'. NOW. Holding our tongue can be hard. Sometimes, we could, if we disciplined ourselves more. However, exercising more self-discipline, in this case, doesn't seem to be very rewarding to us or even right, when we are upset about something, and wanting or needing to express that in no uncertain terms. People are very emotional beings. For better or for worse, we feel emotions very deeply.
I have learned from my own experience, though, the key to avoiding the start of my downfall, where I'll end up complaining, cussing and carrying on, is to switch my thoughts (and my words, following right behind that--- spoken out loud even though I am all alone except for God being with me, in Spirit) to focusing on the positives. The good things, about the day; or even, just that one moment, of my life, in which, I am still, abundantly blessed! Whenever I am caught between the two states of mind of feeling deprived, or feeling blessed, and I am struggling to get myself over into positive territory, mentally, sometimes, all that I can muster is the statement, "Thank You, Lord, that, it is not any worse, than it is." That's a start, in the right direction, since I am, at least, acknowledging, before the Lord, that, although I really dislike something about the situation (whatever it is, I am not feeling good about), I realize things could be even worse, than they are, and that I am so glad that they aren't that. I'm saying to God, that I understand that whatever is happening, however bad, I deem it to be, is not the worst that could happen, given the circumstances, and the possibilities. >sigh< When I miss that mark, usually from failing to practice and to express gratitude, I end up standing before God saying exactly what reflects those negative thoughts and feelings I'm otherwise giving in to, such as despair, desperation, or disgust. Not my best look.
During this time, of total quarantine, that I am living in, for well over a year now, I have taken to talking out loud, a good bit, if only to hear a human voice, in the void. It has given me some interesting insights, into the thoughts, and emotions, that have been a part of me, but were never really revealed to my consciousness as being, as present, and powerful, as they are, when only contained in the inner recesses of my soul. Like an erupting volcano, before it spews its lava, so heated that it has the power to destroy whatever it touches, I recognize those rumblings as my grumblings long before it ever pours out of my mouth. I first notice, that I am feeling generally annoyed, at everything and everyone, that crosses my path. I live in an apartment, with only inanimate objects, except for the houseplants. I apparently anthropomorphize them all as companions who are also held hostage by this endless-seeming pandemic. Speaking to everything from the toilet to the toaster, I find myself saying, "Stop annoying me!" with a very irritated inflection, for only doing what they have always done, in their functions, which, did not put me on edge in this way, before this most trying of times, that I am living in now. Granted, my emotions are significantly more negative as are far too many of my words, reflecting them, during this trial of endurance, where the Finish Line isn't even on the horizon, as yet, and I am, already, way past weary of it all. But God has said that I'm supposed to let my light shine, reflecting His, during dark days in this world, no matter what, including "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." (Psalm 118:24 ESV) I'm flagging terribly though.
As my frustration mounts--- having had more than enough time, for that, at this point, if I'm not careful, my prayers of gratitude disintegrate, into tirades toward God. Losing my composure, unable, or unwilling, to pull myself together, after all of these annoyances, anymore, I stand before Him, in spirit, waving my arms, in agitation, spitting my words of exasperation and despair. I lose sight of my being mindful that it could be so much worse. That, goes right out the window, into the Coronavirus crisis, which has me wishing away the, irreplaceable, days of my life, now, since, I have too often felt stuck, in this frustrating limbo, that prevents me from engaging with who and what I enjoy! This, is not fun. It is not fulfilling. It is stifling. It is scary. It is sad. There are days, that I really wonder, if this will EVER be OVER. Days when I worry, that I might not survive it; that, this invisible killer, which so easily infects people and takes lives, will take away the very future that I'm so hoping to have in my life. Sometimes I give in to panic. More often, I give in to anger. Covid-19 is affecting every, single, thing, about my life, right now. It is something that, I am forced, to consider, and to contend with, in various ways, every, waking, moment; although, I also have nightmares about it. I HATE THIS! It can be hard, to be grateful, for the fact that, I AM STILL ALIVE. These days, it feels to me more like I am simply 'existing' or 'surviving' rather than really living anymore. I end up, apologizing to God, after I drop an entire arsenal of F-bombs in His holy ears, as I pour out my caustic complaints that I must go through this. I end it, with the reminder, to my forgiving Heavenly Father, from Psalm 103:14: "For HE KNOWS how WEAK WE ARE; He remembers WE ARE ONLY DUST." (NLT)
I end up taking it out on God, because, for one thing, there is no one else, here, with me, BUT Him, and He is ALWAYS WITH ME in Spirit. For another thing, just like He did, with the plagues, of Egypt, in Bible accounts, He COULD, stop THIS, plague--- NOW. But He hasn't, for reasons that may be good ones but that I am unaware of, and probably would not understand, if I did know what they were. I know that He never goes back on His Word. Even when WE might think it would be BETTER, in some way, if HE DID. So, I am left with the situation, as it is, and continue conversing with the houseplants, and the inanimate objects around my apartment, just for somebody to talk to, as these days go into weeks, weeks go into months, and months have gone into years, now, causing me to feel cooped up, and scared. Scared because of the pandemic (my being a senior citizen now makes me even more vulnerable to serious illness, or death, if I catch Covid-19; which doesn't help my situation). I am also scared that America will not survive, as a democracy, as the world watches us in horror, now that CRAZY TIMES were UNLEASHED on our nation from Trumpism and its cult following, and a shocking number, of our leaders, and population, refuse, to condemn, and crush, it. I feel scared that I have no future, because in several ways the present is threatening that. Most, of my allotted lifespan, is clearly already behind me, at this point, so time is of the essence, now, for me to try to live the life that, I have, still, so far, only been dreaming of, before it is too late, for me. I have never felt so terrified, so much of the time, as I do right now. Although most days I push that aside by standing in Faith, on my favorite scripture verses, staying busy, and trying to be in a positive frame of mind, in my apartment, there are days that it all seems to pile up on me, like the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. That's the moment I am prone to launch into one of my testy tirades at God, saying things like, "HOW MUCH LONGER is this FUCKING PANDEMIC going to FUCKING LAST?" So much for my behaving like those older ladies that used to be my role models. They, are probably turning over in their graves, due to my tainted temperament.
Some people are shocked, when I describe, my 'conversational candor' with God; saying to me, with a look of concern, that indicates they think that I am going to be struck by lightning for doing that, "You said THAT, . . . to GOD?!?" My reply is that God ALREADY KNOWS EVERYTHING about me, including what I am thinking, even toward Him, and that, the relationship I have, with Him, is a very real, and deeply intimate, one, including, that we sometimes have 'heated disagreements', at least on my end of the conversation. If you read the Bible, God also gets mad, at us, at times. The prophet Isaiah describes God as being a Husband to us, who belong to Him. I don't know of anyone who does not sometimes find themselves feeling upset at their husband, for allowing something to happen that they could actually prevent, altogether, if they so chose. Something that is causing what we see as being a negative situation, in our lives. I love God, with all that I am; and realize alot of these things happen due to our having Free Will. Our collective sin has a real effect, on both the planet, and on one another, causing many of these problems that bring us suffering. Even if God is allowing something to go on that I view as being bad, He has greater Wisdom than I have; and I know, at the end of the day, that I just have to keep trusting Him, because, there are, most likely, things about the circumstances I can't or don't understand, from my perspective. I still remember, many years ago, I was upset with God, and I was ranting about something--- out loud--- to Him. I told Him that since, whatever it was, that was making me so upset, with Him, was undermining our close relationship, with one another, and that He is (per Isaiah) my "Husband" after all, that we should go to the pastor for 'marriage counseling', over this issue between us. (I was of course being sarcastic, because of my dark mood.) I finished, by saying, in an emphatic shout that, "Of course, we BOTH KNOW, that IF WE DID THAT, he would just say that it's ALL ME that's the problem and NOT YOU, because YOU'RE PERFECT!!!"
In the past, PRE-PANDEMIC (which FEELS like FOREVER ago, now), I usually had more outlets to relieve my stress. Going shopping; going to see a movie or a trip to the zoo. Eating out at a restaurant, with a friend; parting ways with a big hug, between us. I, actually, went into self-quarantine, at the end of November, 2019, simply because that was my usual 'hibernation' during the cold months, that also coincides with flu season. I stock up, on whatever I will need, for 4 months or so, and stay in, cooking and baking, watching movies, putting together a 1000-piece or 1500-piece jigsaw puzzle, which is very challenging. After being out and about all over the place, the rest of the year, doing that had felt like a welcome retreat, a respite, from so much socializing, and the stress-inducing issues that arise just from actively participating in society. Still, I would start to get 'antsy' in February and was 'straining at the bit' to be out doing things again by March, during those limited times of isolation. When I basically shut myself in, like Noah in the ark, in 2019, I could not have even imagined that I would still be in that self-quarantine, one year and three months later (and, still counting), and that now it isn't simply to avoid the seasonal flu, and have some 'ME' TIME. It has become something as serious as a LIFE or DEATH isolation, for me, now. That kind of weight brings me down, at times, into this place of darkness and despair. A place of frustration and futility. I see so many people still selfishly refusing to wear a mask at all, and the scientists, saying, they JUST DON'T KNOW, whether Covid-19 will be a ONE TIME ORDEAL, or whether it will, endlessly, continue to morph into various strains that keep on perpetuating it. They just do not know, if the vaccinations are temporary protection, or longer-lasting. They cannot say yet, whether the shots will work as effectively against the variations, of this virus. NO ONE REALLY KNOWS. But God. Only, He is not announcing anything, on the evening newscasts, letting any of us know, what future, we have; or, how dangerous, or, how long, this will be, for us.
>sigh!< My remaining days on this Earth are MUCH MORE WEIGHTED, because I am already a senior citizen. I don't have NEARLY as MANY days, LEFT, compared to those I have already lived. TV news stories tell us how incidents of depression have increased, even in school-aged kids, who feel, isolated, and alienated, from their friends and activities which define their identities to themselves and others, in many ways, and give their lives such meaning and purpose. They tell us about the frustration these young people feel as they've been unable to have in-person proms and graduations. Those are significant life events for that age group. I do not downplay that at all. But, for the most part they can anticipate that they will have many more years to live. I don't have the luxury of feeling that way, at my age now. I just have to remind myself that I am still here and try to make every day as purposeful and meaningful as possible, given all the limitations that I live under during this terrible time. I am not sure WHO TO BE MAD AT in all of this. I don't know WHO or WHAT is to BLAME for this global lock-down, to some degree or other. God? The market in Wuhan, China? World-travelers, that spread Covid? People that refuse, to wear masks, to stop the spread? Who risk OTHER people's health, and lives, because they, selfishly, do not want THEIR FREEDOM curtailed? I have felt angry at any, and all, of these, at times. But, it doesn't help anything. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make, any of this, any better. I am tired of feeling mad, and feeling sad. But, I'm also sure, that I will continue to feel those things, and even more, until, the world finally stops seeming so out of control, in so many ways, and starts, to feel like, it is some semblance of NORMAL, again. I NEVER thought I would EVER have a NEED to WISH and PRAY for a NORMAL life.
* Ground Hog Day: A weatherman is sent to do a story, on a 'weather forecasting' ground hog. While there he realizes that he is waking up every morning only to be stuck in that very same day over and over and over again, until he feels like there is NO END TO IT, and that, he will have to go on living this way, forever, with each 'new' day actually being another REPEAT of that same day! It does end eventually.
